Big Daddy Part 8: Due Diligence

Well, we are back from Dubai and India, babies, and we have to say that 1) the whacked out group of missionaries discussing god's blessings at the top of their lungs, 2) the old lady singing along to her ipod, and ; 3) the man pulling out his own hair and eating it for 8 hours of a flight were all more interesting as travel companions than was The Women Tell All at the end of our journey. But lo, red wine and sushi were a great comfort during this Trying Time of Jet Lag, so we really can't complain. And also, we got to ride an elephant.

So The Women Tell All begins with a summary of the two ladies left. Molly is all proud to be the "first girl to have a walk of shame on the Bachelor." Um, we are pretty sure that is not true but hey - congrats Molly you are the first girl to talk about it, and also how you "opened yourself" to Big Daddy. Now we KNOW you aren't the first candidate to do that. As for Melissa, she is still wearing her dreamcatcher earrings. What WE find most interesting is the chia pet with a lolita rose in her puffity hair sitting behind Chris Harrison as he talks. Somebody got a big pile of hair clippings for Xmas and decided to wear it as a hat to TWTA without taking the bow off first. We cannot look away.

But before any of the women actually get to "tell all," we have to sit down with Big Daddy. Big D apparently "never saw" the controversy with Our Mother Megan. But this does not prevent ABC from forcing us to watch her eat his tonsils again during the General Hospital date. Then we recap the Trail of Tears. Followed by HC picking her nose and then wanting a kiss. Oh and let's not forget his date with Stephanie on her daughter's birthday, during which "all the clouds aligned" according to Big D. Yes, to cloud the stars, sayeth KMu. Here is our thing: We love Stephanie, but Chris Harrison says that watching Big Daddy on the Bachelorette the first go-around helped her cope with the loss of her husband. Oh Oh Oh Stephanie, aim higher than that. ABe, KMu and I decide to start a drinking game next season for every "touched my life," "amazing journey," "intimate moment" and "most dramatic rose ceremony." And then: the kiss of death. Big Daddy just says that Jillian would be "the ultimate friend" and that they did not have enough "heat" to sustain a marriage while simultaneously crowing about how we viewers "saw what we saw" on their last date in the hot tub. Meanwhile, his camping trip with Molly was "completely innocent" and allegedly involved "first base only." Fucktard. We know she caught your fly ball.

So.....off we go to "never before seen footage." We see Big Daddy's horse try to buck him off the back (good move), Molly wear his pants because she lost a golf course bet, a creepy nonsense improve at the General Hospital set in which "somebody has to die and somebody has to be kissed," and Jason's rap for Molly "Dr. Seuss style:"
You know Moll, with you I have a ball;
Your eyes are amazing; when we talk it's like star-gazing [Him: "That's a rhyme, right?"]
Tonight we eat our own fast food;
I hope it works with the mood;
Sayeth PMu: In the nude.

And THEN still because the women cannot tell all, we have to see Successful Couples Through the Ages. So first we have Trista and Ryan, the "one" (and only) couple to make it work. Oh, here they are all cute with baby Max. And surprise, she is pregnant again with a little girl. Then here come Charlie and Sarah B. Sarah, gentle readers, dumped his ass after two years of dating because "um, he was drinking a lot." We are sure being liquored up for two months on the Bachelor totally helped with that. But apparently he then quit drinking cold turkey, and so they got back together a year ago when she saw him at a Holloween party dressed as Garfield. Maybe sometime they might sort of discuss getting married in the future when pressed. Noticeably absent are Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots. Her probation for two instances of assault on Lord B after getting drunk at a seedy bar probably don't allow her to leave Texas, so this is understandable.

And now, what happens when the cast off candidates get together? Apparently a lot of hook-ups. Paul the Canadian and somebody named Amy are now dating. Holly from season Rocky and Pinkie le Chef from Season Double D dated, but now she is dating Jesse-who-was-dumped-by-Double D. Chelsea from season Rocky allegedly posed for playboy. Fred Da Bears and Noelle from season Rocky (wft is up with season Rocky?) are completely in love with each other. Yay because they are nice. But oh oh oh, here is our beloved, Richard the Science Teacher (R.I.P.) from season Double D. We, um, don't hear what he has to say because of the rushing in our ears. Le Sigh.

Finally, the Women Tell All. Raquel "he shall love me until I am dead" is wearing some sort of shirt with angel wings for sleeves. Always be prepared, eagle scout. So Stephanie has got about 800 rings on. Lauren/The Teacher's girls are halfway out of her top. Shannon/HC is wearing the Worst Weave Ever. And really, these are the most interesting bits of the remaining hour. Jersey Erica says she "hurt herself" trying to be funny with the other women and then gets in various yelling matches with Our Mother Megan, who is shown calling the rest of the ladies "ingrates" but tells Chris Harrison that she doesn't like confrontations. Danutalie is obsessed with clothes and shoes. Oh, and Jersey Erica and The Teacher go all Marshana on each other, which we sort of tune out.

Here comes Danutalie, who apparently cannot move her head independently from her neck. Danutalie, gentle readers, has never been on a date in which the man hasn't fallen "madly in love" with her. I mean, this whole Bachelor show was really hard for her. She is really the victim here. Danutalie was "taken out of her life" and put in a "foreign environment" where she didn't even have her blackberry. And she runs 4 or 5 miles every day, but didn't have her ipod to keep her company either. And then they were in this horrible mansion, and couldn't leave, and so really we should all be sympathetic because her life was Really Hard. She's "never actually been stereotyped before in her real life; only on this show" as a shallow person. And also, she totally did NOT get in a fight with the other women during the first episode because she was splashed at the pool, and to prove it, Danutalie is going to argue about whether she was in a fight for five minutes at TWTA. We secretly love that Danutalie is totally upstaged during her entire speech by the audience woman laughing her ass off behind the D.

We have a dream, dear readers. And that dream is to create a new The View with Danutalie, the other Sara from Season Charlie, and Danushka. We think that would be awesome.

Jillian is the last to take the "hot seat" and talk about her "amazing journey" with Big D (everybody take a drink). Chris Harrison wants to know how J felt that day that Big Daddy dumped her butt. Poor Jillian, who didn't know where she stood that day. She is all elegant in her question answering, and cannot even be upstaged by The Teacher's apples, on prominent display over J's right shoulder. Chris Harrison asks if she would like to be the next bachelorette, and she says yes! "You have to slay a couple dragons if you are going to get to the prince." We think that Jillian and I were given the same children's books during our formative years.

Here comes big Daddy. They discuss The Friend Card and getting to "know each other better" during the overnight dates/the infamous hot tub scene. The St. James version of the Bible calls it "Due Diligence," baby. True story.

Blah blah Friendly Skies' mother is crazy. Blah blah he has a lot of respect for Stephanie. Blah he is "extremely happy" with his choice and now we must take a "closer look" at both Melissa and Molly which is really no more than a montage of previously seen footage.

And we are done. See, I told you it was awful. But rest assured, we will actually be on time with the BNU for next week, in which we have The Finale (ooo, oooo!), After the Final Rose, and After After the Final Rose before we can at last escape to a more worthy season Jillian.

Thanks for hanging with me through my travels, babies.
KLo

Big Daddy Part 7: All the Women with Independence (Throw Your Hands Up At Me)

Sweet masala-flavored banana chips, babies, we apologize for the delay. ABC has apparently blocked downloads from India, so our friend KZi had to get Big Daddy from itunes....which took THREE DAYS and much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But lo, though it may be Friday in certain parts of the world, the BNU is better late than never (this is what we tell ourselves). So let's get to it.

Oh oh oh, tonight it is the romantic overnight dates in Middle Earth/New Zealand!! Is Jillian more than just a friend? Is Molly a total tard for wearing a side ponytail in every shot? Can Melissa continue her Quest for the Ring even though her parents refused to meet Big D? And why oh why is all of this set to stripper music? We delay the resolution of these mysteries for a shot of Big D at his Seattle house boat. Sayeth KZi, who is new to the Bachelor and all rentals associated therewith, "Is that his house? It's kinda crappy." Homegirl should have seen my $200 houseboat dream. And also, aren't we in India?

But anyway, Big Daddy says that Jillian is "unique, wonderful, funny and easy to talk to. But I'm worried that she is too independent to be in my life." WHAT?!" Stop the presses. Big Daddy is officially On Our List (all of us). You know, the "sensitive new age guys with skeevy dreams of marrying the babysitter" list. Booo. Run Jillian! Don't put that ring on your finger!!! We almost don't hear that Big Daddy likes Molly's eye (you know, the big beady red one keeping watch for him) or that Melissa reminds Big D of both Double D AND his ex wife. Okay, so she could dump his ass for a snowboarder and then play for the other team? We do not see the compliment in this comparison, but whatever.

Date #1 is with Jillian. Says Mr. Self Confident, "I am picking her up in a helicopter. When she sees me, she will be blown away." Never mind that the helicopter canoodle has featured prominently in dates with both Danutalie and Melissa, or that Friendly Skies probably told everyone that the water plane on her 1:1 date was a helicopter. We can TOTALLY see how this would be very surprising to Jillian, who is waiting for Big D on the edge of a cliff with no road in sight. We sort of like the flannel shirts Big D and Jillian are wearing, even if they are matchy match, as they remind us of our own junior high clothing choices (sweat pants and flannel shirts. we were h.o.t.). Blah blah he's with the "perfect girl" for this date. Blah blah she can't take her eyes of him. And then: OMG, it is the Return Of The Kitty. Big Daddy lays Jillian down on this white and fluffity pelt in remembrance of Stephanie as they drink white wine and Jillian talks about wanting to marry her best friend. Sayeth the D: "Everything is great with Jill. We could be FRIENDS for the rest of our lives." Oh no. Girl, your days are numbered (which is probably okay because you don't want to be with this wing-clipping fuckwit anyway). Suitably, she goes to the very edge of the cliff before they leave for dinner. Big D holds his arms out and wants to play Titanic, and we secretly wish she would help him . . . you know, with the end part where everyone falls in the ocean. Did we mention that he is On The List?

But then WTF is Jillian wearing to dinner? We cast the hairy eyeball at this sequined ace bandage with outlying zipper. And also is that a plastic bra strap we see? Whatever braniac came up with the "clear" bra strap as supposedly more "subtle" than an opaque one clearly forgot about the reflective qualities of light and the attraction of men to "ooo, shiny!" But anyway, Big D wants to unwind Jillian's dress, as he can't emphasize enough that "spending the night together is a really important part of the relationship." We just bet it is, Big D. So Jillian does a big confession of faith about how in love she is, asks him to spend the night without even waiting for the "Forgo Your Individual Rooms" card, and off they go to spend a steamy steamy night in the hot tub.
Big D is feeling "it."
Jillian is "ready to feel really close with him."
KZi wants to know "wtf is up with all these euphemisms."
Big D makes a toast: "Here's to. . " sayeth KZi: "all the hot sex we're going to be having."
And sure enough. We hear Eye of the Tiger segue into Flamenco Passions and let me tell you, if we had an afghan we would be looking at the computer through it, so mortified are we to be watching Skinemax come to ABC. Big D "hadn't seen that side of" Jillian before. He could "feel her hands" on him. It was "steaming in there . . . because of us!!" Ew. Just ew.

Date #2 is bungee jumping with Molly. And let me tell you, we are SO glad she remembered to wear silver eyeshadow and heavy mascara on her tractor beam eyeballs. Regardless, we know that the romance would end right here when we twiddled our britches on national television during this jump, but Molly just says they are taking a "leap of faith" and that the moment will be "groundbreaking." haha, nice choice of words. Anyway, all we see is the boom/microphone thingy hanging down as they jump. Afterwards, over a lovely meal of fruit and coffee (oh, the acid) we suffer through her list of questions for Big D, as she "could never marry a man without knowing the answers" to things like what his favorite flavor of ice cream is (peanut butter & chocolate) or his favorite food (hamburger). What's his morning routine, dear readers? Oh, he can get ready in 20 minutes. She takes a mere 45, but is happy to know she can be ready in 5 minutes with "a little chapstick" and a ponytail. You know, because he likes the "relaxed, easy going look." Um, yeah. Which is why your date wore a burberry scarf and can barely lift her lids so heavy are they with with le shadow. "Her eyebrows really freak me out," says KZi.

Off we go to dinner, in officially The Worst Dress Molly Has Ever Worn. It is a silkity tuxedo in the front. . . with criss crossy straps in the back. AND a side pony. When this viewer was in 8th grade, she wore a yellow and red polka dot shirt, red overalls, and a side pony for her school pictures. After our friend Kimmie's older sister told us we looked "mature," we cried in the bathroom for an hour. And gentle readers, it was that kind of outfit, updated to the year 2009, with which Molly accosted us. And yes, she looked "mature." But scarcely do we recover from our shock before omg, they are sitting on the Kitty too !!!!! Only the kitty has spawned, and now it is both under their dinner table and also on their chairs. We hear you in your shout out to Stephanie, oh ABC, but we really do not need to see that again.

Conversation at dinner is truly painful. "Tell me why New Zealand is your favorite place," says Big D. "Oh, um... it's pretty. . . .um, I will take away some great memories here (and also, I know nothing about this country)." Big D comments that both her parents and her sister & bro in law sat apart from each other during the visit with her folks, and Molly confirms that they are "not very mushy gushy family" *coughfrigidcough*. But of course, she behaves "differently" with people she dates and "just wants to kiss" Big D "all day every day." Essentially, the girl feeds Big D seeds all the way up the plank and into the big big barrel of water so he can drown like the good little chipmunk that he is. He eats it up, saying "everything changed" upon her acknowledgment of "love." Blech. She asks him to spend the night, and "at that moment," Big D "knew it would be a great night." She was "pushing herself to the limit" with him, and he was loving it. We are just annoyed, so let's move on to date #3.

We love the foreshadowing as ABC pans a little lamb frolicking on the hillside at the beginning of date #3. Melissa flings herself at Big D as she does every damn time they meet, but confesses that she went from being "excited and happy" to "completely scared" because he didn't get to meet her parents. She apparently thinks it's mardi gras here in New Zealand with all the beads she is wearing, but girl is in for disappointment as she and Big D are scheduled to take Winston Churchill's old boat out for a spin. Big D is impressed that she knows who Winston Churchill is, and we light a candle for the state of American education today. We light another one when Melissa says that she "over analyzes things" and that this is the "finance part" of her personality. Seriously? Finance?

Melissa worries outloud about whether not meeting her parents has blown her chances, but completely coddles him by sitting on his lap and making him feel "loved, needed, cared about." Dude, this is not coming from a healthy place. This is because Melissa has no self esteem. But in fairness, maybe what these two really needy people need is each other. "Oh Romeo," says Melissa, "my parents are laid back 'in a sense.' The would love you if only they could see how loved you make me feel." "Juliet, fair Juliet," says he, "there's nothing your parents can do or say that would make me feel different about you." We vomit a little into our mouths. Anyway, off they go to Queenstown for dinner, for more awkward coversation about her parents, yet another confession of "wuv, twue wuv," and -- showing the submissive side he loves so well -- the acceptance of a "Forgo your Individual Rooms" invitation after she allows him to make the offer before making it herself. She is not merely falling in love," babies. Nor is she in "heavy like." She is in love. And he already feels "loved by her." Oh, we all know where this is headed.

That's right, a quail crossing the road. Which is not nearly as awesome as Big D's purple tie for the rose ceremony. "This is like the shirt your middle school date wore to the dance, only turned into a tie," says KZi, and we know it to be true. Of course, by the time we see Big D again, said offensive piece of clothing has miraculously turned into a grey, marginally (though not by much) better tie. Thank god there is a stylist somewhere on the budget for this show.

Of course, we get the last minute videos to Big D to help him "make up his mind," which he supposedly has not done. Jillian calls him "babe," which we don't like. Everyone sounds like they're reading off of cue cards. And then. . . OMG Melissa has escaped her limo. Somewhere, an American Girl Doll circa Cotillion is crying out for her clothes. Melissa looks like a squaredancer eating at the Toasty Shop after a late night of swingin. It is teel blue and strapless. It has little ruffles in a figure 8 across the bosoms, pinned together with a loop of white sequins. The same ruffles go in great waves around the skirt, followed by white and teel loopy sequins...attached with BOWS to her dress. Yo Bo Peep, 'sup with your sheep? That girl deserves to get the axe for a get-up like that.

But he picks. . .
1. Melissa (WTF)
2. Molly

Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! While we are secretly happy for Jillian because she deserves better, we still feel horrible as he tells her that he concluded their lives were "just too different." She's like, "dude, I was single so what did I do? Lived my life to the fullest." This apparently threatened him, so he dumped her. What a colossal tard. Anyway, we shed big tears for her as she drives off in the limo and says matter of factly that her life has not been easy, so it would be nice to have a happy ending sometime. We heart you, J. Go be free and fabulous.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All!! We will, um, be a little late on that blog too because we secretly don't want to go home and not-so-secretly extended our trip. Let's face it: we really want to ride an elephant. Anyhow, blog will be out on Thursday morning, babies. And on the up side, we now have no more vacation to take for the rest of the billable year, so we should have no more BNU time delays hereinafter.

Namaste.
KLo

BNU Part Time Delay: Vacacciones

Babies, her visa having arrived at the 11th hour (literally), this viewer is now off to the East, where she fully intends to unplug from the world and all crackberries associated therewith. We will attempt to find a computer sometime around Tuesday (which is really Monday in the US) and a small corner in which to watch Big Daddy courtesy of ABC online, but can really make no promises other than that the 10 lbs of gummy bears for our dear friend KZi will make it to India in one big gelatenous glory, if it is the Last Thing We Do. Anyway, apologies but we really must go travel a bit.

Big Daddy Part 6: When Doves Cry

So Episode 6 begins with Big Daddy in his "save some" t-shirt as he packs for trips to visit the remaining four womens' families. Only we now realize ths shirt says "for later" across the backside. Please please Big D we do not want you preserving anything on, from, or attached to your backside for later.

Blah blah we recap the women.
Bachelorette #1: Jillian is "active, fun." She is the "strongest person here," but will she rely upon him? (because he needs that, dear readers).
Bachelorette #2: Molly is a slumper but has pretty eyes and a "secret talent" for kissing. She "pushes and challenges" him. They would have the "perfect life" together. And also, we do not think she will age well.
Bachelorette #3: Friendly Skies is very serious and is looking more and more like Paula Abdul circa "Rush Rush" every day. Here's her story, and her story goes: Oh baby, baby please don't pick this girl.
Bachelorette #4: Big Daddy can't "find any faults" with Melissa. *CoughSnake dresscough*.

Off we go to Kelowna, B.C. (to be distinguished from Kelona, IA) to visit Jillian's family. Oh, they run towards each other! Oh, Jillian is wearing cute pink gloves and a scarf the exact color of everything in the Victoria's Secret store! Our sister once lost her exactly-matching-the-interior-of-V.S.-hat in a VS store. It was a very stressful 20 minutes until one of us found the offending hat sunning itself like a little lizzard on the edge of the pink pink table cloth beside a plastic tub of underwear. But anyway, Jillian tells the story of standing on "OgoPogo" the loch ness monster of Lake Okanagan while tubing or something as a child, and then suddenly we are at Mount Boucherie sipping wine by the fire as Jill reveals her mother's struggle with depression. Oh! We heart you, Jillian. Person made prematurely strong by the ravages of time!!

We meet Jillian's mom and dad, Glen and Peggy, as well as her cousin Torrie and her boyfriend Charles. "Hey there guy, how are ya?!?" says Glen as he drapes Big Daddy in a Canadian flag. We do not register this much, as we are asking God why why can't we have perfect hair like Jillian and Torrie??? And also, a boyfriend who cooks like Charles? And while we are asking for things, could you please please bring us some All Dressed Potato Chips because those things are magical goodness and we can't get them over here (our backside thanks thee, oh grocery store importer, but our taste buds cry out).

But our reverie is suspended by Peggy's poem/toast to Jillian:
In your heart, I hope you find love.
You certainly deserve to fly like a dove (foreshadowing, babies!!!!!)
You handled all of the pain and joy just like an angel sent from above.
Pressure makes diamonds and you shine like one.
You bring happiness to us all as bright as the sun.
You are as precious to us as flowers need the rain.
We'll always be there for you again and again.
Life is a dance and it's just like you to take this chance.

The rain in spain falls mainly on the plain. And also, everyone on the bachelor should take sophomore poetry again. Or publish a "greatest hits."

But we forgive Peggy her bad poem stylings because she's blessedly normal and asks Jason all manner of questions about how he views marriage and handles conflict. He's not "a fighter," dear readers. He views marriage as, "You choose to be there." Translation: "Peggy, I really need a person who, you know, doesn't dig chicks this time around." But here is our thing: If we hear one more comment about how life is "a dance," we are going to throw a moldy point shoe at someone. And then...Granny Marjorie shows up!! We love Marjorie with her crazy black sequin 1850s midwest tie thingy, Canadian boxers for Big Daddy, running commentary on how he is "very very beautiful. A gorgeous guy." and threats to marry Jillian off to a Ukranian. We secretly hope that we will see lots more of Granny. Like maybe at the Final Rose Ceremony, giving Big Daddy the hairy eyeball if he even THINKS about offering for some other woman.

But suddenly we are on Hometown Date #2 with Molly at the "Country Club" in Grand Rapids, MI. Molly is channeling Pinkie Le Chef from Season Double D with her Izod collar standing to attention and argyle Banana Republic sweater with matchy golf shorts. "We are preppy, so it's sexy that he golfs," says she. We take your argyle, Molly, and raise you one tennis bracelet. We are growing increasingly alarmed, as Molly takes Big Daddy home to meet her family and we realize that she calls her parents by their first names. There is something sort of brittle and foolish about a twenty-four year old person saying "Oh, Maryann brought out the hats" about her mother even if Maryann DID bring out the hats and make Jason wear a "Indian headdress" not unlike my high school mascot. And did I mention that golf is a big part of the family's life? Just in case we missed that.

But here is our thing: Big Daddy is also a huge golf person. And now we are wondering if he is, in fact, as preppy as Molly and we somehow just missed that. While we pegged him as a lover of the sport, we did not think he would be sipping mint julips and talking to Chauncy about the best steakhouse while riding around on the Links in linen pants. Boo.

Anyway, Maryann makes Big D draw a picture of "his favorite memory of Molly's face." WTF. Maryann announces that "Molly is our special baby," as the Dad tells Molly she's going to be the last one standing because "she's a winner." She's good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like her. Except us. ALL of us. So Big Daddy comes up with a drawing that looks like The Joker with roses and a rainbow, but we like that he had to put long hair on it because otherwise the drawing would "look like a boy."

Finally, FINALLY this ends except that Big D can't "get enough of" Molly and had a wonderful time. Nooooooo. But okay, if that is really what you want then please release Jillian so she can find someone fabulous and artsy yet emotionally stable.

We hide under our afghan for Hometown Date #3 with Friendly Skies in California. She meets Big Daddy on a dead lawn and makes a toast to her "potential future husband" and meeting the family. We are not listening, as we cannot look away from the giant black marble fashion ring she is wearing. We hope they try to hold hands. But soon we are on our way to meet mother Joann, Dad Hector, and an assortment of skreetchity nieces, nephews, and half siblings. "My family is probably as crazy as it gets," says FS. We are realizing that no shizz, this is the understatement of the year as Joann busts out the hula hoops. "Be one with the hula hoop" she says as everyone struggles to chisel their hips loose and Jason starts to get a painted-on smile.

Undeterred, Joann retrieves the dove she hit with her car while driving home from work the other day. The dove, "Rosie" has been preserved in the family refrigerator awaiting this special moment where it can be buried by Big D. Our childhood friend RMi once left a little chunk of finger in the door of our friend LGi's dad's car during carpool. LGi's dad saved the chunk in a little bag on ice in the fridge, just in case RMi needed it, where LGi found it after school. It looked just like a little piece of hot dog. LGi didn't eat meat for 10 years after that. True story.

Anyway, Big Daddy has to eulogize the dead dove, after which the nephew says something like "Let's kill it's head" and starts jamming a stick into the little gravesite Joann made in the backyard. We are a little scared of the nephew, but even more scared of Hector, who is no longer with Joann but is very very much with Jesus, his Lord and Savior. He starts prostletizing to Big Daddy about the One True God and what Jesus saying in the Bible about marriage as the most important thing as he asks about Jason's relationship with Christ. We secretly wonder what Hector would say about Jesus and the three Vegas slot machines sitting in the background during this little chat.

Regardless, we now know why Hector and Joann are no longer together, as Joann's 1:1 time with Big Daddy involves Joann's "premonitions" and the announcement that Friendly Skies is "very strong psychically." She is an "Indigo" babies, as is Joann, whose passion is reincarnation. Joann thinks Friendly Skies "comes from a better world, or maybe the future." Ok, so Wikipedia says that Indigo children apparently represent a higher state of human evolution. All we know is that if Paula Abdul is our better future, we are going to be Really Pissed Off.

Blah Blah Hector talks to Friendly Skies about her strong "Judeo-Christian background" and Friendly Skies tells Hector that she wants to have a family that is in one place, and not multiple places. And we suddenly realize what is going on here. Having managed to escape high school without getting pregnant so that she can have "someone to love," Friendly Skies is now channeling all of that teenage angst into an ill-planned television-fueled marriage to someone who is clearly panicked at the thought of marrying into this family. Oh, we love this show.

Finally, it is Date #4 with Melissa in Dallas, Texas. But crisis: Her parents are not comfortable being on television, so Big Daddy is going to meet some of her "best friends" instead, including one that looks like Tom Petty's half brother. This is all perfectly understandable, except that then we learn that Melissa's real brother is also not coming because it is 5 pm on a Friday and he lives 1 1/2 hours away (?). And also, that her parents never went to a single Cowboys game when she was a Cheerleader. And that her best friends don't think they have ever met Melissa's parents except oh yeah, one time in college maybe if they remember right. This is just weird. Melissa has also been the dumpee in most of her relationships, and she has generally dated people more interested in hanging out in a bar with their buddies instead of with her, according to her friends.

We feel bad for Melissa and hope that she can aim a little higher than just dating fucktards for the next 10 years of her life. But we are not so sure this tv type thing is the best thing for her, although she did make Ty a nice tooth fairy box for his "monies" when he loses his teeth. Anyway, this date is odd with lots of weepy time between Melissa and her girlfriends and lots of pool playing with the boys. Melissa is apparently "110% in love with Jason" afterwards, and hm. we don't know what to think.

Oh Oh Oh but the rose ceremony is upon us! Chris Harrison and Big Daddy sit on the porch and debate. We try to forgive Big Daddy's purple tie on purple shirt ensemble. He has "a connection" with Jillian, but is it enough? (yes, YES!!). Is Molly really ready for marriage? Is Friendly Skies? Wasn't it odd not to meet Melissa's family? We do not really care because we know ABC is just messing with us. And then we see Friendly Skies.

Dear Achilles:
If you are looking for your magic running shoes (you know, the awesome gold ones that lace up to my knees), I borrowed them for the rose ceremony. I'm sure you totally won't miss them in that battle.
Love,
Friendly Skies.

For those, she deserves to go home. And sure enough, Big D picks:
1. Molly, in a fuschia satin nightie tied with a belt
2. Jillian (yay!!)
3. Melissa (meh).

Bye bye, Friendly Skies. Maybe I will see you on a flight someday and you can put airplane tap water in my drink.

Stay tuned for next week, when Big Daddy takes the women to New Zealand for the next installment of the Quest for the Ring and Double D returns to either fight for Big D's love or look really bad in a tapestry jacket.

But babies, this is our confession: we will be in India next week (assuming we get our tourist visa in time because we are rockstars and forgot to get one), so there might be just a teensy little, um, time delay here at the BNU.

The BNU trusts you to stay true in our absence.

Peace.

Big Daddy Part 5: Hello Kitty

This viewer once contemplated buying a 12x12 houseboat for $200 on an offshoot of the St. Joseph River (how did I know it cost that much? Because it was spraypainted on the side.), where we could live out our days like a water hermit. So we were super pumped when Chris Harrison announced to the women one chilly morning on Episode 5 that woo hoo we were going to Seattle and oo o o oo Big Daddy lives in a houseboat!! Except was it really necessary for Melissa the Cheerleader to T.P her neck? Seattle may be the land of grunge and granola, but a ginormous white scarf isn't going to make your teensy tank top more "earthy," Melissa.

As Big Daddy shows the women the suite in which they we will be staying in Seattle, we whisper "hurry hurry!" Friendly Skies, in some horrible fedora, has only got 4 minutes to save the world!!! How fortunate that her parachute is readibly available, having been wrapped around her neck a la Melissa. I mean seriously. We are fans of the knittery, but there is a limit.

Anyway, Melissa the cheerleader gets the first 1:1 date. Oooo, Friendly Skies is going to cut her like my neighbor Dennis, as she has never had more than a group date. "Let's hit the town in style," says the date card, somehow justifying a dress held together by a weird metal snake on Melissa's bosoms. While we like the idea of this dress, from the wrong angle Melissa's "girls" look like two mini-pancakes on a plate. And also, a METAL SNAKE?!? This is like some weird clothing manifestation of a dieter's nightmare: Thou shalt see the pancakes but go no further.

Oh no, Ty doesn't want his daddy to leave for the date with Melissa, so Big Daddy invites Melissa home for a quiet date on le houseboat. "Can I wear my stretchy pants?" she says. Except we all know that she is going to wear her snake charmer dress to his house because she wants him to see her in it. So we are unsurprised when she hobbles down his stairs in her silver high heels and then secretly happy that she has to clean up pizza and drink wine on the sofa by herself as Big Daddy puts Ty to bed.

After achieving a "wow, you look amazing" from the Big D, Melissa changes into her "stretchy pants." Gentle readers, this viewer has also changed into pants of a similar description. And while we are comfortable fannying around in our capris yoga pants with today's work top and hosiery sticking out on either end, Melissa the cheerleader has changed into Dallas Cowboys Shos. We understand that Melissa "loves the little things," but damn. We are pretty sure we see ladybits and half a biscuit as she folds her legs over Big D on the sofa. And also, she has a tramp stamp. Is it a star? Tony Romo's face? Blah blah she and Jason eat ice cream and talk about children, reminding us forcibly of our favorite radio advertisement in college: "He bought me ice cre-eam! We laughed, we talked. It was the best date I ever had!"

Back at the suite, Molly is like, super-jealous because Melissa's "real date is realer than my real date." While she gains points for her Hoosier's sweatshirt, we have to take them all back for that comment. And also, Mol is looking a little rought. Stephanie - of course - is wearing a Renoir and crazy makeup. Jillian looks blessedly normal, but Friendly Skies thinks that she is a welding stripper with dreams of a legit dance career but who, in the meantime, spends her days cutting the necks out of all of her sweatshirts so that she can be sexy yet warm.

Oh! Here comes the group date card, for Stephanie, Jillian, and Molly. They are going on some sort of "the date planner at ABC went on vacation so her underassistant just went through the 'Best of Seattle' brochure" date including a boat tour, radio station, and random hotel foyer for dinner. The romance!....except OMG, Stephanie is wearing a kitty. We do not like this fur sleeveless hoodie, even if it does look soft and touchable and very very white. We also do not understand the blush and glitter combination, either. Of course, Big Daddy is all stroking the kitty while Stephanie "drives" the boat and they talk about their children. We don't see much else of the boat ride, other than our beloved Jillian wearing that damn oversized neck scarf all of the women seem to love. Boooo, Jillian.

And now to "random segment 2" of the group date: some radio show while Jason gets to go on the air while the women sit around and wait for him in a soundproof booth. Sounds like "fun." But Steph is all sunshine: "I loved watchin' him talk. He's so confident. He is one good lookin' man." She could watch him talk or not talk all day. They have lots of things in common. Talking or not talking. Soup.

Anyway, we officially do not like the male part of this radio hosting duo. "You have to kiss the tire before you buy the car, eh?" says he as they talk about kissing all of the women. Boo hiss. Big Daddy says that Molly is the best kisser, which makes sense, since she got to practice ALL NIGHT IN THE TENT. Then comes a "kiss test" with the three women on the group date. Big Daddy is blindfolded with a fuscia boa (KMu wants to know if that was borrowed from Stephanie) and then Molly "grabs his face because I always grab his face when we kiss." And Stephanie "thought he would recognzie tenderness and softness and that is what he would remember in me" with her kiss. Southern, much? Jillian just jokes about touching his tonsils. We heart Jillian. Of course it is not difficult for Big D to figure out who is who. But our favorite part is Friendly Skies and Melissa listening at home. Having just sucked face with Big D, Melissa is all, "maybe he forgot about me...."

Oh, but this radio interview never ends. Blah blah the women love his eyes and smile. In le bedroom, Molly is a "lingerie kind a girl. Even though it's a little pointless and comes off right away." Jillian likes to be "fun...and then intimate." Stephanie wants to "make a man feel taken care of, even if she has to kiss every inch of him" after making a pot roast, ironing his shirts, mixing his martini, and bringing his slippers. We love Stephanie, but the 50s wife bit are scaring us a little.

Finally, we have random segment #3: The Weird Dinner Inerspersed With Lots of 1:1 Time. So for dinner, the "group" shares a bunch of crazy dishes on a sofa in the middle of a hotel while Big Daddy rotates the women out for 1:1 time. We are huge fans of Jillian, who says she came looking for an adventure but that it has turned serious, and she is not looking for perfection but a person she can spend her life with. We realize that this is said every season by somebody, but we somehow believe it coming from her. Then comes a walk around Seattle wtih Molly, who we do not like because she has stolen Michael Jackson's military jacket and paired it with a tank-top fringed with a cloth lei. And also, she sells herself too much. We suppose Steph did not have more 1:1 time because he already got to pet the kitty.

The last date is with Friendly Skies. Big Daddy needs to know if she is "ready for his life." Sister Mary, we hope not. We simply do not understand why she would wear a ponytail if she forgot the front half of her hair. We do not like fashionable ponys, with their puffityness and weird stylings. And also, we do not like it when people are tanner than their frosty lipstick. But Big Daddy is undeterred, taking Friendly Skies on a water plane to go rock climbing at REI to share an "extreme kiss" at the top of some 60 foot wall. Blech. "Like, omg, Seattle is so great. Like, with its trees. It is so pretty." Double Blech. KMu opines that a date with baby Sophia would achieve similar depth.

Anyway, this date ends with fondu on the floor. Gentle readers, you know a girl is young and sprightly and did not play any high school sports or otherwise grind her body down to dust if she can eat fondu on the floor and then GET UP AFTERWARDS. We realize that this date would end with us crawling towards the door, only to end in an outstanding impression of the feet-to-knees-to-stooping-to-standing "early man" display at the museum while saying "no we're fine, really." But back to Friendly Skies, who reveals that she felt abandoned when her mother, who married at 19, fell out of love with her dad and left the family. "Today," says she, "I climbed a wall and walls are coming down." Noooooooo.

Back at the ranch, Jillian and Melissa take a bubble bath in their swimsuits as all four women discuss their concerns. Will he think Molly is too young (yes. YES.). Will Stephanie be too settled? Will Jillian....make a beard out of the bubbles? We love Jillian. All of us. And then...crisis. Big Daddy needs more time with our girl to figure out if she's in it for the right reasons. "If anyone here could break my heart, it would be Jillian." No!! He surprises the women and steals Jillian away for yet more 1:1 at a pastry shop. She again bares her soul (what more do you want, Big D? Jeez) and we decide that they would be a good match because she talks about needing to stay strong for the other women and he talks about taking care of herself. See, they can just boss each other around as to who is nurturing whom.

And then the rose ceremony is upon us. Big Daddy goes through all the women for Chris Harrison: oh, Melissa is a homebody like me. Stephanie fits in 'lots of different ways.' Jillian is "here for adventure" (nooo!!!). And Friendly Skies "does not have a perfect past, but who does?" Yeah Big D, we all know your wife is playing for a different team now. And then: Oh. My. God. Friendly Skies thinks she's a lava lamp. She is all blue and tied up at the neck and billowy down to a hipster tube thingy. We HATE this top. And also, why is Molly wearing a prom dress from 1986 in the color of yellow phoey? And why is Melissa the chearleader wearing a prom dress from 1995? And why WHY has Stephanie forgot her top AGAIN but remembered to drape her bottom in a huge pinstripe ruffle?!?

Oh no! Emergency 1:1 time is required with Friendly Skies. He sits on her about whether she's reeeeeaaaaally ready, but she baby whispers that she "wants that life. She is 'over' the single life (at 25!!!)." And all we can think is don't fall for it and how could she possibly have gotten any tanner and we hate that top. But he picks:

1. Jillian (whoot!)
2. Melissa the cheerleader
3. Molly, and
4. omg omg omg omg omg omg FRIENDLY SKIES. nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

R.I.P. Stephanie. And we witness the most graceful, classy bachelorette departure in history. Big Daddy says in front of all the women: "you are the most caring person I have ever met, and we all better people because of having you here. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and I am so glad to have met you." She says she was glad to be a part and that if her story could reach someone, she was glad it did. He's an incredible man and she wishes him the best.

All of the women are crying.

WE are crying in our stretchy pants.

And then as he says goodbye, she says she could see in his eyes that he wasn't feeling taken with her, and that it's ok. If it's meant to be, it will be, and that she's developed happiness with her little girl and just wants to find someone to share that with. At some point she will go to heaven and see her Steven again. Ohhh!!!!

Stay tuned for next week, when Big Daddy goes home to meet the families, Jillian's grandmother wants to marry her to a Ukranian, and Friendly Skies' mother welcomes Big D with a dead dove in a bag.

-Peace, babies.