Dolly Pemily Part 7: He's a REAL boy

Babies, we apologize for the time delay.  But, we are not as young as we once were and therefore feel noncommital about early wakeups to blog our stream-of-consciousness before our own Self Edit (such that it exists) kicks in.  So, we are properly chastised for our second late-morning start.  And now let's get started.

DP Part 7 begins in Prague.  The Dolly, apparently feels "back in olden days."  Oh yes, that must be before Yore, and after the Years Of Our Lord.   DP is once again stalking through the streets without her inner thighs touching.  Homeslice looks like she is balancing on two toenail clippings.  We cast a hairy eyeball at DP's twiglets and eat a cookie. 

Here is Chris Harrison, welcoming the men who have not Cast Up Their Accounts on this particular Love Boat:  "Congratulations, you are the six men that Emily definitely sees her future with." 
Says KMu: "How can this be?  She definitely sees herself with six?"
Yes, please step this way towards next season's show: Brother-Husbands, a new twist on Sister Wives.  But not if they don't survive the Sudden Death Round, for on this episode we shall be faced with three 1:1 dates and a group date.  No roses shall be handed out except on the group date, but you could go home . . . .
As the men settle into their hotel suite, which looks suspiciously like a drawing room a la Dangerous Liaisons, date card #1 arrives for Hot Wheels:  "Let's Czech out Prague," it reads.  Hot Wheels Prauge-ably thinks this sounds like fun.  [you are welcome, gentle readers].  

We are slightly skeeved as we watch Hot Wheels shave with his shirt gratuitously unbuttoned.  Wear it or don't wear it, Hot Wheels. But don't be all "I shall protect a narrow strip of my chest from water and soap by negligent wearage of this fancy shirt."   KMu feels there is something "off" about him, yet We at the BNU can't quite decide what.  But CorpChris can -- he is En Fuego that Hot Wheels got another date, whereas CorpChris has been cooling his heels since North Carolina.  As we suspect that CorpChris is Going to Become Unhinged on this episode, we ignore him at this time.

And then, DP shows up with another guidebook (shit shit shit), which we canNOT understand how she remembers as she has wholly Forgotten Her Pants.  We squint at the television, trying to figure out what DP is wearing. We see cowboy boots, and a shirt cut down to . . well, past the television screen, and . .. FORMAL SHORTS.  wtf.  We HATE a formal short.  But it does not get any better, as the date progresses generally along the following lines:

DP: "It's wild to just stand right here, right in this spot, and look at that clock, and think about all the people who have looked at that same spot.  Isn't that cool?"
Hot Wheels: "English?  English?  Anyone, speak English??"
We are ashamed to be an American tourist and wonder if we could pass for Canadian on our next travel adventures. 

And then the camera focuses on Hot Wheels and DP holding hands and we momentarily forget our culture shame.  For lo, our Fair Maiden is NOT wearing Formal Shorts, but SEQUINED TAP PANTS.   Decorated like a doily. With, did this viewer mention sequins?  And beads? A high pitch giggle escapes from the direction of KMu.   And before we can recover from the right hook that is The Pants, we are leveled by Hot Wheels unhinging his jaw and entirely swallowing DP's face in some form of strange mating ritual.

But there is Trouble Brewing in Hot Wheelsville, as DP knows Something About Him That He Has Not Confessed.   And it is that he *briefly* dated a producer on this show 10 years ago. But DP is bothered by this, and sets Hot Wheels up by taking him to "rub a dog that means loyalty" on some door, while talking all about "opening up" and being "completely honest" with "no secrets" and whether or not Hot Wheels feels he is "completely trustworthy."  

This is Our Thing about Dolly Pemily (All of Us):  Rather than confront an issue head-on, Dolly Pemily asks all around the edges of the perceived problem in some passive aggressive attempt to trip the guy up and make everyone feel like a fool.  She has done this at least three times on Season Dolly Pemily alone, and we are heartily sick of it.  Dear Aspiring Bachelorettes Everywhere,  please use "I statements"  to directly express your feelings like we all learned in 6th grade Quest, rather than trying to smokebomb out the groundhog you believe to be cutting up your peace.  This PSA has been brought to you by the BNU.

Chris Harrison tries to make things better with a series of stilted pre-taped sessions in which he says "in the interest of full disclosure" that various conversations were had off and/or on camera by Dolly Pemily, the producer (Cassie) and Hot Wheels about the two dates Hot Wheels and Cassie had, 10 years ago. According to DP, had anyone told her about the alleged relationship, she would have said, "Cassie, who's that?  He's a great kisser!" (because that would also be This Viewer's Chief Observation if ABC had kept said relationship secret from her.)  And also, from the mouth of DP:  "I'm bothered by this, because this is not a production.  It's a Real Life Thing." 

Our stock in The Dolly just went down, possibly past the edges of her Tap Pants of Death.

Fortunately, Hot Wheels and DP are able to Overcome This Obstacle and are soon seen at dinner while piano jazz plays.  As they talk about DP coming to visit Hot Wheels' family, she expresses a need to "plan her outfit."  We secretly suspect that Dolly Pemily's version of planning outfits plays along somewhat different lines than this viewers' general daily thought proces:  (1) Is it clean? (2) Does it not involve a belt? (3) If it DOES involve a belt can this viewer ignore the belt without Surprise Flashage? (4) smothered with a healthy dose of : if this viewer wears jeans under a mumu today, will anyone notice if we Stay In Our Office?

As we are analyzing the Pitfalls of Outfit Planning, we almost miss that Hot Wheels has told DP that he loves her.  DP is thrilled and offers him a "surprise" (already shown several times this season):  Fireworks.  Okay, so this viewer once went to a 4th of July bbq at the same property from which fireworks were being discharged later this evening.  And as we lay back to watch the explosions directly above us, we were suddenly aware of Burning Chunks of Debris falling within six inches of our chair and thought "surely, surely this is not the way in which I am going to Die."  Fortunately, we did not (we know you are glad), but our enthusiasm for fireworks, both on and off the screen, has been somewhat tempered ever since.

So while this is going on, Date Card #2 arrives for Data:  "In Prague, all you need is love."  Just great. A date we completely don't care about.  So we are going to make this quick:  Data does not move from the waste down, or the shoulders up.  As they take an architectural boat tour, Data wants to tell DP why he is a "hard shell" like his father and why he's been so quiet.  We at the BNU are compelled to offer a second PSA for the day: Dear male readers: Please do not expect your date to pry into Why You Are a Deep and Silent Brooding Man, because if she is worth her salt, she will artfully maintain a steady stream of questions while secretly thinking the following thoughts:
(1) god, I feel like a talk show host.
(2) this guy needs to get his shit together.
Which leads us full circle back to PSA #1, babies, and the importance of directness. The End.

 Off Data and DP go to the Lennon walk, to paint on the wall.  DP offers the only bit of levity here:  "I don't know what kind of artist I am.  Actually, I do.  I am a terrible one."  Though the Dolly has not recovered in our estimation quite past the pre-Tap Pant Horror, she gains a few points for this ready admission.  After painting (which, for Dat, means writing "All we need is love" on the wall), Dp and Data try their hand at putting a lock on some metal grate to symbolize good luck in love. 

At this point, Data should run away, as every single contestant who has tried his hand at (1) writing wishes to place in a love clock, (2) walking through doorways which symbolize love's journey, and (3) standing on a stone to bring luck in love thus far on Season Dolly Pemily have been a Sad Sack of Failurage, generally not Making It Past the end of the date.  Yet the very fact that Data is NOT running seems to guarantee a similar fate.  This date soon progresses even more rapidly into misery, as Data feels like he dates more people like him as he ages, and tells a sad tale of being cheated on by the last woman he ever loved, who ran off with a doctor for three days and left him calling hospitals and prisons in search of her. 

We are amazed that Data comes home from this date/therapy session, but he does.  And also, he feels confident that he Knocked It Out of the Park.  Well played, Dolly.  We bow to your Superior Interviewing Skills. 

Upon learning that DP walked Data home, Sean takes off running.  He "Must See Her," babies. He "Has To See Her." emily . . .EMily. . .. STELLA..... STTEEEEEEEELLLLLLAAAAA" he screams as he runs through the streets.  "If I run around the city of Prague and don't find her, I would be devastated" says he. Seriously?  the entire city of Prague?  We are very sad when he actually finds her, and our heart sinks even further when he utters the following: "What are YOU doing here?!?"  Running away from you, you Noids Addled Super Christian.  Dolly Pemily is, of course, overjoyed.  Blah blah they kiss in a pub and up against a wall, she thinks he will be a good husband, and we all take a drink.

CorpChris is now in a fine fettle, and works himself into a Lather of Pissitude becuse date Card #3 has arrived for himself, Dong, nd Sean:  "Let's find Our Happy Ever After."  Sean is all resplendant:
"Why does he always wear coral?," wonders KMu. "That's like, the Golden Girls color."

Off we go on some horses to a 13th century castle. Dong is thrilled:  "I've never in 1 million years thought I'd run around in a 13th century castly in the Czech republic."  Why so specific, Dong?  This viewer never in a million years thought the elastic in her underpants would give out halfway across campus while wearing a skirt , but that happened too.  It's all about perspective and reflexes, Dong.

CorpChris is generally Captain Butthole for this date, but it is Dong who suffers most severely.  As Dolly Pemily carts him off for some 1:1 time, he sits as far away from her as possible in a tiny window sill, crosses his arms, and apologizes for brushing his hand against hers. When she says its okay because she "likes touching," he tells the camera that he wishes she would "give him a sign" that she wants to be kissed.  And as she starts to DUMP HIM on the way back from the Window Sill Tragedy and All Lack of Touchng Associated Therewith, he actually DOES kiss her - in the middle of the dumpage.  "Thank you for that," says Dolly Pemily, and also "I am sending you home."  Dong is sad and cries in the car on the way home, and we are a little sad for him too, for it must be terrible to be that clueless.

Soon it is dinner, and Dolly Pemily is wearing what KMu likes to call "a bassinet for her tits."  It is white, and netty at the top.  And tied around the neck in some way that we cannot like.  Moreover, now that she is left alone with Sean and CorpChris, she has given them two keys -- one of which opens the door to the first 1:1 spot.  In a prison cell "or wood fire oven," says KMu.  Sean is thrilled to get the first key -- a Big Key ..  a Man's Key," says he.   We wonder if he is a Promise Keeper.  We take a drink.  CorpChris is an asshat in his 1:1 time, complaining that he is "upset with DP" for not giving him a 1:1 date since North Carolina.  We take another drink.  We aer not surprised when Sean gets the rose on this date.

Finally, date card #4 has arrived, for Jef(f) :  "This is your chance to pull on my heart strings."  We cannot understand why we like this guy so much, with that awful awful hipster hair.  But suddenly we see what she might see in him, as we see that DP has festooned herself in gay pride parade boots, complete with fringe.  We rewind, only to watch her walk several times.  And then:

OMG.  They are looking at puppets, including a moonwalking Michael Jackson, a moostachioed prince, and a princess with pippy longstocking braids.  They buy the prince and princess, plus tiny puppet for Ricky because Jef(f) "can't leave her hangin.'"  Ok, that is creepy on so many levels. This viewer, who thinks Puppets are Akin to Clowns and therefore Not To Be Trusted, can hardly stand to be in this shop with DP and Jef(f), even acros the miles.   But it gets worse. 

Dolly Pemily and Jef(f) spend their entire date in a library, where they act out their relationship with puppets. 
"Is this really happening?" says KMu.
We are too traumatized to speak, as Jef(f) is now explaining that "the puppets make it easier to express some big feelings." Like that he is "100% in love with her" and "wants to get a dog with her." 

Abandoning the puppets (thank god), they lay down on a tiny blanket in the middle of the library to talk about family, how his family is private and how his parents won't be able to meet her because they are otherwise engaged in another state for a few years, and the fact that he has broken up with women whom his family doesn't like, pretty much for that reason.  But she should be at ease, gentle readers, because they are soon planning how many children they will have, and he is expressing that he wants to "date you so hard and marry the f*ck out of you."

Okay, and here is our confession:  We still like this guy. Even after puppets, veiled acknowledgments of mormonism, skinny jeans, and perfectly awful hair.  We do not know what is happening.  Oh dear.

So here we are in the rose ceremony, and I am late for a lunch thing so I have to make this quick.  Dolly Pemily is wearing a blue tin foil dress.  She does not want a rose ceremony.  CorpChris is horrified, as he has acted like a child all week and was hoping to Dance For His Life at the rose ceremony.  But we go forward anyway, and she picks . . to join Sean with roses:

(1) Jef(f)
(2) Hot Wheels
*** Wait a minute:  Corp Chris is convulsing.  He asks to interupt the rose ceremony and make his plea with Dolly Pemily.  He does so.  They come back, and . . .

(3) CorpChris gets the final rose.

We don't really think that CorpChris' last minute safety dance had anything to do with Dolly Pemily's choices, but we know Data will think so as he takes the long road home. 

Stay tuned for next week, when we get to meet the boys' families!!!

-KLo

Dolly Pemily Part 6: Hulk's Last Stand

Babies, we are in Dubrovnik, Croatia. Okay, WE are not in Croatia (we, specifically, are on our sofa with ABe, KMu's dog, our husband (reading the news), and some bad wine.  Mazel tov.), but DOLLY PEMILY is.  And Sister is dragging her little suitcase up a huge flight of stairs.  We cry "bullshit" that DP would only pack one turquoise little bag, as it is exactly one half the size of the makeup caboodle we at the BNU witnessed in DP Part One, but we understand ABC's desire to make her look Low Maintenance.  This week, for The Dolly, is about figuring out the relationships which she "has no clue about."  And what better way to do that than two 1:1 dates and a group date!!  YAY!!

But suddenly, there is a bagpipe playing an Irish tune as the camera sweeps over the walls of Dubrovnik.  So, this viewer once went on a date with a bagpiper.  We went for Chinese food and did not talk. Which was almost as confusing and awkward as Irish music in Croatia.  Nonetheless, this viewer carries a tendre for a bagpipe.  ABe, unfortunately, is not similarly moved:  "Better than an African childrens' choir singing African childrens' choir music," mutters Abe into her cups. 

Blah blah here comes DP in some silver spangled off the shoulder "top" thingy to meet the men and deliver the first date card.  It's for Travis w/o the egg! "Let's look for love beyond these walls."   

So we don't like Travis.  He reminds us forcibly of the Original Crush Boy for this Viewer, not by looks (for the OCB looked like the white Jesus and wore a red silk scrunchy in his flowing locks), but by voice.  Specifically, when this viewer was 18 we Saw Him:  the OCB, walking his gangly self across our college campus and, quite simply, We Fell In Love.  This continued for some time, undaunted by the OCB's apparent (from a distance) unwashed state and his nickname, which we subsequently learned to be "Krispy Kreme."   

One day, this viewer rounded the corner to remove laundry from the quad and There He Was, our OCB.  In the flesh.  Sitting right there.  Outside the washer and dryer tuning his guitar.  We pressed our fevered brow and calmly tried not to swoon.. . . And then he spoke, and our beloved, our very first OCB, sounded like GOMER PYLE:  "Goooolly, what'r these people puttin' on the MTV!!"  And just like that, It Was Over.

So here we are with Travis, in his pink shirt and voice that continually sounds like it is on the verge of cracking and/or that he is swallowing a baby chicken whole, and we are Not Happy.   We are even less happy when we learn that their date will be "walking around" with a guidebook and buying cheap and ugly crap from street vendors that look suspiciously like Chris Harrison in a fake beard and spraytan.  Which only means that we have to hear Travis talk more and more and more.

But it gets worse, for DP has led Travis to the "balancing stone."  Legend has it, according to DP, that if you can stand on the stone AND remove a jacket or shirt, you will be "lucky in love."  After about 20 attempts, Travis manages to balance on the rock, but never strips. DP is disappointed, but we are secretly releaved.  Here is our thing (All of Us):  there is no chemistry between DP and the Trav. And no amount of being led into Secret Chambers with 1,000 Burning Candles and a Dinner Table Dressed Up Like a Church Offertory is going to change this fact.  As Travis unburdens his soul to D of the P about how he was "scared to never feel this way again" since breaking off his engagement 2 years ago, and how she is "amazing," we see the look on DP's face and know she is Not Feeling It either.  "I could be making out with Hot Wheels right now," projects ABe.  And just like that, Travis does NOT get the rose.

During this epically uninteresting date, Date Card #2 arrives for John, Dong, Sean, Jef(f), CorpChris, and Hot Wheels. "Lasting Love requires Bravery," it says. Ooo, fight to the death!!!!  Hulk is peacocking about the suite, as this means he gets the last 1:1 date this week.  We almost don't hear him over ABE:  "Is that shirt from International Male??!?!?!?!?" she screams.

And gentle readers, It Is True. Hulk has festooned himself with one of those tanktops most popularly worn by male dancers, and most prolifically worn by the mailing list for International Male catalog.  We love us some International Male, which is possibly the best source of cut-and-paste material In The Universe.  Hulk queens that he can "jump into a romantic relationship with me" any time, as he is "so confident."  If Hulk would jump into a dance belt instead, our rapture would be complete. 

But no, we don't get any more of Hulk because here is Dolly Pemily, waiting for her group date people in a necklace suspiciously like a bolo tie. And not in a cool way.  After a shameless plug for the Pixar movie "Brave," (which this viewer is totally going to watch, let's be clear), DP announces that the men will be changing into muscle tank tops, kilts, knee socks, and hospital shoes, in order to compete in. . . gaaaames.  Jef(f) should be right at home. 

As the men are changing clothes and beginning their Walk of Shame to the donkies they must ride through Dubrovnik, the following thoughts go through this viewer's head:  "Wow, look at DP's legs.  She has the skinniest legs ever.  They do not touch in the middle.  Bitch.  I wish my legs did not touch in the middle, as it is Excessively Uncomfortable. Wait a minute, my pants are on backwards."  Yes, babies, this viewer's pants had been on backwards for exactly 4 hours at this point, of which possibly all of our neighbors were now aware from our Very Public Walk with KMu's Dog this evening.  Sigh.

Ok, so we have an archery competition in which CorpChris swears he only "shot a boner once in my life."  (and that is what ABe and MCo heard also, so we are Not Making This Up).   Then the men throw a log in the air, during which Sean actually BREAKS his wood (hahahah) because he is "so strong."  According to DP, this is "super hot."  We are utterly unmoved. ABe giggles softly into her glass.   Finally, the men have to sit across from each other and pull on a log they are both holding until one of them topples over. Sean wins this because he is a big blonde muscle, and also flexible. 

But according to DP, she doesn't care about such things.  Rather, she cares about how *awesome* CorpChris' attitude was even though he was an Epic Fail at everything . .. and so, babies, he gets a silver cup for being the "bravest man in the land" and a puckered up little kiss from DP.

"We call that a chicken ass in french," says this viewer's husband.  We cannot WAIT to learn the frenches.

At the post-group date after-party on a rooftop, we hate Dolly Pemily's dress. it is black, full on sequins, with a little tie across the otherwise entirely open back.  All she needs is a top hat and she would be a dancing peanut.  Various 1:1 times ensue, including with Sean, who swears like Travis that he hasn't had these feelings in a "really long time."  We wish that people under the age of 30 would not utter such Stuff.  1:1 time with Hot Wheels includes him mashing her up against a wall for passionate kisses, which we are thankful Do Not Suck.  And finally, 1:1 time with Jef(f) who is his usual sweet, slightly analytical and entirely too passive for DP's taste's.  Confusingly, CorpChris gets the rose on this date, which makes no sense to those of us at the BNU, but whatever.

What we are more interested in is Hulk prepping for his date with Dolly Pemily.  Babies, this man shaves his legs and PLUCKS HIS FINGER HAIRS.  The very thought makes this viewers hands hurt.  We do not understand the Popular Obsession with Hairlessness, which can only lead to all manner of Ingrown and Scratchy Trauma.  We *think* his card said something about the world being an oaster, because when DP comes to pick him up, he goes on for about 15 minutes about how "the world's our oaster and you are the pearl." We are not surprised that the rest of our fair contestants were gripping their chairs trying not to laugh.

Ok, so the Hulk drives their little rental car like a grandmother (or also, like this Viewer), confidently telling DP that he is a "very safe driver.  You may not feel safe, but I do not get into accidents" as other drivers stream past honking their horns.   He then proceeds to rub his nose in it by talking about the "beautiful view" while looking at DP, and devoutly noting that he loves just "her and I hanging out" and that "this may be the woman that god has. You know.  Chosen for me."  He was hoping they could make good "companions" to each other.  He knows he wants a good woman, and so he has tried his very best to be a "good man."  He hopes to feel that his wife will be a "trophy" to him.   Finally, babies, he wore his turquoise shoes just for DP, because he knows how much she likes the color.

There is only one man in this world to whom turquoise shoes are linked.  And that man is Elvis Presley.

Ooooh, tears would be streaming down this viewers face if we were in DP's shoes, but she handles it with far more grace than we will ever possess.  We heart DP for pointing out that "trophys don't talk back" and for spitting out an oaster with the conclusion  "this ain't exactly gettin' me in the mood."

Finally, it is dinner.  We hate, for perhaps the 10th time, Dolly Pemily's outfit which is a World of One-Shoulder No, consisting of gold and less-gold ribbons poorly sewn together into an ill-fitting and starchy toga.  But what we hate more is the Hulk's List of Qualities He is Hoping for in a wife, which include:
1. Loyal.
2.  Logical - not overly emotional.
3.  Encourager -- always lifting him up, never criticising him.
4.  Faithful.
5. Nurturer.
6. Someone people are drawn to.
7. Unselfish.
8.  Beautiful.
9.  Sexy personality.

Okay, so basically the Hulk just described a dog.  Dolly Pemily is not impressed.  And. . . after deliberation, does not give him the rose!!!! We are out of our seats!! We are high fiving!!! ABe, momentarily diverted by our mutual love of Nelson circa 1990s, has stopped singing 'I can'tlive without your, love and affection. . . .I can't spend another night on my own!!!" 

But the Hulk is not done.  Oh no.  He sniffs and, in this viewers mind, says "oh HELL no, b*tch," and then says somewhat masterfully: "That was very shocking.  I did not feel it coming.  The potential for growth is there, and YOU're making a bit of a wrong choice because I probably am right for you. . . " But, after he interrupts her trying to speak multiple times to continue leveling pressure on her shoulders, she finally says no, this is final, and go home.  We did not think she Had the Ovaries to stand firm, but are very glad to see that she did.

As Hulk goes away in his limo and ugly ugly shoes,  he notes that the thing about Great Men is that when Something causes them to Break Down, the Get Back Up.  He only hopes that he is "portrated as he really is" on this show and in his departure, and not as an "arrogant ass."  Oh darling, YOU will never see it, but we do.

After DP goes home and the remaining men celebrate Hulk's departure, Hot Wheels sneaks over to Dolly Pemily's house to check on her.  We don't like it when people don't play by the rules of the game, and especially because DP gives Hot Wheels the rose that was meant for Hulk telling her that "no one is ever going to know you were here." Yes yes, Hot Wheels, these were NOT the droids you were looking for.

At last, we are at the rose ceremony, and only mildly surprised that Jef(f) is wearing pants. But what we don't like -- even more than all Previous Outfits, is the stucco dress that Dolly Pemily is weraing, with shoulder pads and shiny bits.  We do not know what happened to The Dolly this episode, but she has really gone off the reservation into a world of glitter and Christmas Tree Tinsel.  And also, did we mention that this particular dress has a GIANT BAR across the back in order to hide a bra?  ABe speaks for all of us:  "That is an awful, awful dress."

So after some 1:1 times in which DP bonds with Data over the fact that they both keep the funeral cards for various people in their wallets while wrapped in THE KITTY, making its first appearance on season DP, and after still more 1:1 time with Dong, who still does not kiss The Dolly, she picks:

(joining CorpChris with a rose):
1.  Sean,
2.  Jef(f)
3. Hot Wheels

aaaaand. . .. instead of giving the last rose to either Dong or Data, she asks Chris Harrison for an extra rose and doesn't send anyone home!!  

Stay tuned for next week, when DP is en fuego because she learns Hot Wheels used to date a producer.

-KLo

Dolly Pemily Part 5: West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods

Sis-boom-bah!  We are finally caught up on our bachelorette viewing!  And what better way to celebrate than to share a double decker bus with Dolly Pemily and Little Ricky in London before spiriting off to meet the remaining mathletes in this Competition of Skill.  As we scan the crowd, our eyes fall onto the Hulk, resplendant in a neon salmon pink V-neck shirt and blue blazer. Why hello, Miami Vice. "Some of these guys are such D-bags," says KMu.  "Like, all of them," we say together.  Wonder Twin Powers, Unite!

Though we aren't really listening, we gather that DP Part 5 will contain two 1:1 dates and one group date.  Date #1 goes to Sean, and we grip the sofa, preparing to be bored.  "Love takes no prisoners," says the card.  This is going to be a long night, for Sean has decided that DP is his "ideal woman."  And while we DO covet The Dolly's fabulous coat, we cannot but feel that Sean has a problem if his ideal woman is a tour guide.  Sings DP:  "This is Big Ben. . . This is the cathedral where Princess Diana got married ..  This is Buckingham Palace, where Queen Elizabeth lives, and where Will and Kate shared their first kiss." 

Unfortunately for us, Sean decides to Make Like Will & Kate.  We drown our muffled protests to the WORST KISS EVER in our wine glass.  Everybody drink.  Coming up for air, Dolly Pemily speaks through the television to us, saying, "Look KLo [ok, we made that part up, but she DOES say], I like my kisses with Sean.  Hopefully, they will get better over time."  Ahhhaaaa, and also, no, no they won't because he is TERRIBLE, The End.

So blah blah Sean tells DP that he was on a date 4-5 months ago, and then before that, not for a long time because he is "selective." DP tells him that usually guys who look like him are "boring," but that he is not. We take another drink, vertigo be damned. But it only gets worse, for Sean has leapt onto a podium at Speaker's Corner and is blathering on and on about Love: "To love someone is like giving yourself completely to them.  Like an eternal kind of love.  A bond so strong that MOST PEOPLE cannot comprehend.  Though I have never experienced such love, my parents have shown me great love, as did my grandparents. . . "

As our sister SHa might say, love is not about diamond shitting unicorns, Sean. 

But Sean and DP have the last laugh, as they get to eat dinner at the Tower of London.  Damn you, ABC, for scheduling one of the most insipid dates of season DP at the Greatest Place on Earth for this viewer.  We even forgive the Tower Guard for uttering the following:  "Please enjoy your short internment."  Sweetheart, you have NO idea. 

But now we are jealous of DP and Tweedle Dee, for whom The Dolly is rapidly falling.  She swears she cannot imagine better Marriage Material than Sean, who is "humble," yet does not advertise it. She peppers him about children, asking whether he wants 3 or 4, and he nervously says that he hasn't given it much thought but 2 is a nice number.   Dolly, this man is not right for you, and if he is, he is not right for Us (All of Us), so please let him go so that we can all stop hearing about his selectivity and how only his family has taught him about love.  Because that is just asinine, and/or he is blind to all the other loves in the world.

He gets the rose.

Back at the hotel, Colon is well, being himself.
Colon, regarding the group date: "Pretty much any day is a group date with Emily, since it's going to be you, her, and Ricky." [insert high pitched giggle].
Colon, when he learns he is going to be on the group date:  "This day is going to smell like shit."
We are not surprised by these comments.  But we are surprised in Jef(f) for confronting him about them, as Colon was apparently raised by a single mother and so the irony is rather deep.  We like Jef(f), despite his haircut and skinny jeans, and despite ourselves.  Oh dear.  

Yes, so by the way, the group Date Card has arrived, and it is for Corporate Chris, Hot Wheels, Hulk, Dong, Other Latin, Travis, Data Destruction, and Colon.  "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," it says.  "Is that Shakespeare?" says some unnamed person.  Our heart breaks for English teachers everywhere. But it gets worse.

Babies, they are in Stratford-on-Avon, where, DP informs them, "Shakespeare lived."  And about to enact scenes from Romeo & Juliet with the help of three Shakespeare Experts who have perjured their souls by being on reality television for the sake of promoting The Bard.   After a brief audition, our Romeos are:  Other Latin, Data Destruction, Colon, and Hulk.  Our nurses:  Hot Wheels and Dong.   To Colon, gentle readers, this performance is "Extremely Important."  It is his Moment To Shine.  Which is why, when The Dolly comes over to see how rehearsals are going, he tells her to "Run Along" because he and the Hulk need to get back to it. 

Unsurprisingly, Colon is terrible, and Hulk steels a big kiss, in their respective scenes.  But we like Dong's spirit, as he concludes that he is going to be the "best damn woman he can be" as nurse, and procedes to give Data Destruction a hearty kiss during their scene (which DD says was scratchy, but "warm, and moist -- two out of three ain't bad."  GAH). 

However, our heart really suffers a blow when Hot Wheels says he doesn't understand a word he is saying, including the word "poultice."  We fully recognize that not every person in America devours trashy Period Romances as does This Viewer, and therefore might not frequently read variations on the following theme: "Jessamy, put a poultice on my horse's hock, as it is badly strained."   Nonetheless, it is with a broken heart that we learn Hot Wheels' vocabulary skills are so limited.

After thoroughly turning Shakespeare in his grave, the boys head to the aptly named pub, "Cox's Yard."  Indeed. Various 1:1 times ensue, including Hulk presenting a necklace to DP after sweeping her behind some curtains, for, as he sagely concludes: "If a woman says you are trouble with a smile on her face, she probably wants to get IN trouble."  We wonder how many girls Hulk has taken behind the middle school.  DP is caught off guard by the unexpected "thoughtfulness."  Noooo.

But the main story here is that Colon, the night before, called Ricky "baggage." This starts as a rumor -- Corporate Chris wheedles to Hot Wheels that Colon supposedly said this, and the news spreads.  We are annoyed and wonder if it actually happened.  But then, our appreciation for Dong increases as he clarifies the rumor with Colon himself.  Colon's response: " Yeah, I said it, and I'm not going to apologize or retract it.   'Baggage' has a negative conotation, but really what I meant was great responsibility . . . "  We are so very surprised that this man is single. 

Dong tells Dolly Pemily, thus guaranteeing the Best Moment in Dolly Pemily History, in which our fair maiden strongly desires to take out her earings and go "West Virginia Hood Rat Backwoods On His Ass," but instead utters the following: "Ricky is a huge blessing that is my heart and soul.  [Colon attempts to talk]. . No, I love to hear you talk, but not until I'm done.  I learned that line from you.  Ricky is not baggage. Anyone with the tiniest heart can see that.  Your mother was a single mother.  She was in my position.  And that's what makes this so very disappointing, on so many levels. Now get the f*ck out. "

Dolly Pemily, FOR THE WIN.  After eliminating Colon, she walks off for some alone time, and then comes back to cooly inform the remaining boys that she will not be giving out a rose on this date.  And this is our thing (All Of Us):  We understand where she is coming from.  Because it's not that she can't handle herself or fight her own battles, but it would have been nice for one of these men to pull Colon's lungs through his nose on DP's behalf.  And no one did (though Jef(f) did get pissy with Colon in his own quiet way, and Dong brought the matter to DP's attention).  And in that moment, DP felt terribly alone.  And we understand that, and feel bad for her. 

We also regret the inevitable aftermath of this episode, in which all of the men will now stumble over eachother to tattle on the slightest offence, on the thinnest rumor, to Dolly Pemily so as not to be accused of being The Passive One.

Finally, we are moving towards Date #3, with Jef(f).  We know that Dolly Pemily is getting ready for this date, and we are supposed to be able to see her doing so, except we are blinded by the Sea of Pink tumbling forth from her hotel room.  There is no way on God's Green Earth that any London hotel voluntarily decorated its top suite in shades of Florida trailer park. 

But soon we are with Jef(f), liking him unaccountably, as he and Dolly Pemily suffer through an etiquette lesson during afternoon tea at Chiswick House.  Jef(f) takes it in stride, but finds it frustrating that all he really wants to do is hold DP's hand, and yet here is Jean, the etiquette battle axe, droning on and on in his ear.  We like DP when, during a brief absence by Jean, she says "I thought this was a good idea, but I'm ready to get the hell out of here."  Jef(f) jumps at the chance, and they go for fish and chips at a pub.  They talk about the "Baggage Incident," and Jef(f) says that if Ricky is baggage, then she is a vintage Louis Vuitton.  We don't know whether to appreciate the attempt, or to be concerned that Jef(f) came up with that analogy on his own.

Yet as this date progresses, we can no longer hear over the buzzing in our ears: "There, you see her, sitting there across the way.  She don't have that much to say, but there's something about her. . . Kiss de girl, la LA la la la." And then louder "KISS THE GIRL DAMMIT OR I AM GOING TO JUMP THROUGH THAT TELEVISION AND KICK YOU."  And finally, after fish and chips, dinner, hugs, and Countless Other Perfect Moments including over a dessert of Whipitude capped with Potato Chip which makes this Viewer vomit a little in her mouth, Jef(f) makes his move.  KMu does a rain dance, for Jef(f) -- despite all his stalling -- is actually GOOD at it.  Yay!! We don't know whether to be happy we can watch a kiss on this show without hiding behind our afghan, or whether we should be telling Sean to take notes.  He gets the rose.

At last, the rose ceremony is upon us.  But Dolly Pemily has lost her mind, as she is wearing a one-shoulder blue velvet spandex ribbon with one entire arm covered in the offending material, capped with a bedazzled bracelet.  While this color looks good on The Dolly, we hate this dress, if not for the cuff alone.  And, after various 1:1 times in which Dolly Pemily grills each man on whether he would Have Her Back, as the Colon incident has shaken her To The Very Core, she picks (to join Jef(f) and Sean with roses):

1.  Dong
2.  Hulk
3.  Corporate Chris
4.  Data
5.  Travis w/o the egg
6.  Hot Wheels. 

Other Latin is gone, babies, gone!  It was only a matter of time, as he is a 24 year old mushroom farmer, and it is not clear what Dolly Pemily would do with that.  But, we still feel bad for him. 

Stay tuned for next week, when the Electric Eight go to Dubrovnik, Croatia, and more controversy ensues.

Dolly Pemily Part 4: High on a Hill was a Lonely Goatherd

One day, this viewer was relaxing in the window of her ballet school dorm, blasting Jane's Addiction off the mix tape sent to us by our dear friend LGi, feeling like the veriest badass that our 16 year old self could muster.  "Hello, men of Boston!" we sang to ourselves.  "We are magical and mysterious and you will See Us In This Window and Never Forget Us."  And then this happened: "I got caught stealing when I was five . . . The HILLS are ALIVE, with the sound of MUSIC. .  la la la la .. "  For LGi had sent us, masquerading as Jane's Addiction, the entire Greatest Hits of The Sound of Music. 

And really, babies, that's what Dolly Pemily Part 4 is all about:  The Liederhosen Effect.  Pretty good on top, if not downright attractive in an off-beat kinda way... but Cullote's Revenge down below.  And what better place to experience this all than in Bermuda!!  But the stakes are  high, for on this week's dates (which actually happened last week, but we are still catching up), there will be one 1:1 date, one group date, and a dreaded 2:1 date.  And not everyone gets a date this week.  Oooooo. 

So let's get started.  Oh, here is DP and her daughter Ricky frolicking in the sand, for the Dolly has brought Ricky along on this world-wide adventure!  Oh, here are the men folded up like grasshoppers as they ride teensy scooters towards their hotel!  As this reminds us of some of the more terrifying moments in Italy, we shall ignore it.  So. .. soon we are in the hotel, and the first Date card has arrived. For Dong!  "Let our senses lead the way," it says.  This invitation is dearly needed, as common sense seems to have evacuated the building.

Dong is super nervous for this date, allegedly.  He wigs out as Hot Wheels is teasing him about it, at the very moment DP comes to pick Dong up.  As we see DP's floor length sundress, we wish that we were the sort of woman who could wear such dresses without looking like a support column for a small squat house.  Sigh. At any rate, The Dolly senses the tension, but tactfully ignores it.   Instead, she takes Dong shopping.  And shopping.  And shopping -- for rum cake, for little glass animals, and for perfume. And we KNOW that Dong is lying through his teeth when he declares himself to love shopping on islands. 

But trouble is brewing, as Dong seems to be giving answers that are "too perfect," to DP.  What was the biggest criticism his ex-girlfriend would probably level at him?  That he spent too much time with his son.  Their last fight?  Over the fact that Dong didn't wash her car enough. Oh, and did we mention that he started a charity to help his son understand how one person really can change the world?  And also, that he will cherish and forever hold dear the fact that DP wanted to write a postcard to his son from Bermuda?

We are beginning to get suspicious of Dong. To whit:  This viewer's last fight with her husband was over the food processor, which this viewer SWORE to be a Vile and Evil Machine which Did Not Work and Had Never Worked even after she had sent it in to be Serviced and it had unaccountably Been Sent Back with the accompanying check Not Cashed.. . .only to be shown (by said husband), that when the doohicky on the container is lined up with the pin thingy on the base, it works.  RAGE.  This standoff, following on the heels of The Blender Incident, has resulted in a tacit agreement between All Parties Involved that this viewer will not be present in the kitchen when appliances are being operated.  And that, gentle readers, is a real relationship. 

Yet we still like Dong, unaccountably. We do not, however, like DP's dress when they sit down to dinner.  It has rhinestone wings.  Across the midsection.  In front.  WTF.  At any rate, over dinner, Dolly Pemily admits to never exercising, for which we feel there can be No Justice in the World, until we remember that she has at least another 4 years before the Twinkie Hits the Thigh.  Yet even after this declaration of depressingly good genetics, Dong does not kiss the Dolly when she gives him a rose.  "If DP wants to kiss Dong, DP will give Dong a sign," says he, in third person. 

We don't care about Dong anymore, however, because Date Card #2 has arrived, for Charlie, Hulk, Jef(f), Sean, Hot Wheels, Travis w/o the Egg, Colon, and probably some others we have missed.  "Let's set sail on a sea of love," it says.    

Yes, gentle readers, the men are dividing up into "red" and "yellow" teams, to engage in a sailing competition with the winning group getting to spend the evening with Dolly Pemily, while the losers go home.  Colon is excited because he is "in his element."  We secretly think DP summed up that "element" most accurately when she says "a booze cruise does not a sailor make."  And, while this part of the episode is weirdly exciting, we have to close our eyes because the vertigo Has Not Gotten Better yet.

Suffice to say, yellow team wins, causing Hulk to toast Emily as his "beautiful trophy possibly wife."  Babies, Hulk thinks he knows "exactly what he's doing." And that is to make Dolly Pemily feel like she has let him down if she pursues her own interests.  For, she has been given a "great responsibility, being the bachelorette," says he to her.  And "I want to see you do a lot with it."  For "tons of women will be watching you, and how you behave yourself, and comport yourself." And, for THIS REASON, darlings, Hulk had concerns when he saw DP kissing Hot Wheels at the Rose Ceremony the preceeding week. 

Oh HELL no.  When this viewer was in her first year of college, we were summarily dumped by a boyfriend in order for him to pursue his high school flame.. . only for him to return a week later with a proposition to get back together.  When this viewer said no, not good enough, the following speech was uttered:  "Wow, I have just been hurt a lot in the last week.  First, [insert flame] told me she didn't want to date me, and now YOU are telling me goodbye too. I had thought you were a better person than to hurt me like that."  And so, forgive this viewer for snorting her lemonade with Hulk's latest speech.

But Hulk is not done.  When Dolly Pemily brings up his commentary regarding maintaining her weight, Hulk dances around the question, finally saying " God made you a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman. "  Ugh.  In the end, Hot Wheels is impassioned about Time Standing Still when They Are Together during 1:1 time with Dolly Pemily on this date, and Jef(f) -- while not making the least amount of push to fix his interests with DP -- manages to convince her that he has a crush on her, in a very analytical hipster way, during their own 1:1 time.  And the safety rose goes to Jef(f) on this date, which Hulk thinks is a very "safe" choice.  For once, we agree with Hulk.

Finally, we are on date #3.  "Let's Explore this Bermuda Love Triangle," says the card, for Data Destruction and Nate.  We don't know what to say here, other than that a 3-person date in which all 3 people sit side-by-side in a dank and dripping cave and attempt to eat a mystery meal, has got to be the most Awkward Thing Ever.  And also, we are utterly uninterested in either of these two men.   The rose goes to Data Destruction here. 

We suppose that the more interesting thing about the 2:1 date is the fact that while it is happening, Dong has managed to infuriate Corporate Chris back at the hotel, by commenting that a man of 35 is more mature than a man of 25, generally speaking.  We don't find this to be that surprising of a concept, and cannot help but feel that the fact that Corporate Chris takes this benign comment as a Personal Attack which Requires Him to Declare Swords or Pistols at Dawn rather supports Dong's point, than refutes it.  We are not much interested in this fight. 

And last, it is the Rose Ceremony.  And we See Him:  Jef(f) in a jacket, tie, and . . . LIEDERHOSEN.  WITH PASTEL BLUE KNEE SOCKS and brown shoes.  Just for a second, but it is Burned In Our Brains and we cannot now Unsee It.  Suddenly, and again after Colon flashes a hairy cankle between his suit pant and sockless loafer, we are hit with a suspicion that there is a Very Good Reason why ABC is only filming this particular rose ceremony from the waist up.   It always comes back to the Cullott, babies, lurking underneath all that surface polish.

And here to prove our theory is the Hulk, all dressed up in his requisite goodlookingness, and advising us that he feels like he has been blessed by God and is a Veritable Tulip of a Catch.  He is athletic.  He is romantic.  He is really evaluating Emily because he doesn't want to "fall in love with the wrong person" and, you know, waste himself that way.  But rest assured -  if this doesn't work out with Dolly Pemily, he is "involved with the Media back at home.  Let's do Bachelor Ryan.  Emily is a very special person, but I feel called to something higher.  If I was the bachelor, I would be ready to open my heart, and wouldn't that be a neat for everyone to see."

Not as neat as it would be to watch Dolly Pemily filet you nape to navel, asshat.

Blah blah there is a big confrontation between Dong and Corporate Chris regarding Dong's ageist comments.  Blah blah 1:1 with Sean, in which we learn that while he may like to "lead" whatever woman he is with, he is a Perfectly Awful Kisser.  Blah Blah Emily reveals to Chris Harrison that she has got Hulk's number, and yet in the end, she picks, to join Dong, Jef(f), and Data Destruction with roses:

1.  Sean
2.  Hot Wheels
3. Travis without the egg
4.  Corporate Chris
5.  Hulk
6.  Colon (what???)
7.  Other Latin!!

Wow, Charlie and Pretty Michael are sent home.  We feel bad for them both, even though Pretty Michael totally had it coming with his yellow headbands and long flowing locks, and Charlie seemed all wrong for The Dolly also.

Stay tuned for TONIGHT, when everyone goes to London and DP unloads the F bomb on who we strongly suspect to be Colon.

- KLo.

Dolly Pemily Part 3: Makes our Speakers go Boom Boom

Babies, we are Back From Italy. And, as we lay feebly on our sofa, leaning to the left like the tower of Pisa from a little bit of boat-induced vertigo (long story), we canNOT think of a better way to spend our Sunday than catching up with the last two weeks of Season Dolly Pemily.  We are sure you agree.

Just last week, we were in the Vatican Museum, looking at a statue of Artemis surrounded by bull balls.  Now, this viewer does not presently choose to drape herself a la testicle as a symbol of her fertility. Nonetheless, we see the cosmic righteousness of ABC replicating the ball-y portion of Artemis, turning it into a fountain, and positioning said statue in all its glory in the middle of the mens' courtyard while they learn about the dates on which they will be going this week (or, two weeks ago).  Two group dates and one individual date.  Our Cup runneth over, so to speak.

Card #1 comes, and it is for Corporate Chris: "Love is a steady climb."  Piffle.  Regardless, one hard edit later, and The Dolly and Corporate Chris are wandering around North Carolina at night, talking about whether or not they would approach each other in a bar.  She's so comfortable with him, gentle readers, that all they talk about is (a) how "lucky" and "excited" they are, (b) how "unbelievable" this whole experience is, and (c) how "cute" each other is.  

We personally think that Corporate Chris looks like our high school classmate, DDan.  The last time this viewer saw DDan, he was shirtless, in tube socks and shorts, on the back of a dirt bike riding down main street with a rifle slung over his shoulder.  We think he is probably in jail  now. And also, this viewer would start drinking Right Now if she would not fall off the sofa.  But we digress.

So two ropes descend from the top of a building, and we are not at all surprised to learn that they will be climbing to dinner that evening.  "She looks unbelievable in a harness," marvels Corporate Chris of DP.  We have no words.

Naturally, Dolly Pemily and CorpChris make it to the top of the building, and, after she thanks him for "not abandoning me," (query:  where would he have gone?), they share a romantical high five.  The biggest trauma on this date is that DP learns that Corporate Chris is only 25 years old. We confess to being a little shocked ourselves, yet are unclear as to how 25 is somehow younger than DP, who alleges to have had her 6 year old daughter at age 19.  Oh, but he masterfully asserts that while young in years, he is nontheless "A Man."  Color us Reassured.  This date ends with the two of them dancing to a country music song that includes the following:  "Girl, you make my speakers go Boom Boom."  This is why we love country music (all of us).   He gets the rose.

Meanwhile, back at Chez Artemis bull balls, date card #2  has arrived for Charlie, Latin, Other Latin, Ducky, Hulk, Mr. Wood, Dong, Data Destruction, Travis, Sean, and probably some others that we don't know.  We are fiendishly happy that Colon is not on this date, having been Cut Out from all dates this week.  "Let's play," says the card.

As the group hoofs it to the park to meet DP and allegedly play some football, the Hulk is feeling confident because he feels like he and Pemily have Something Special.  We do not like the Hulk, as he is A Masterful Ass.  Nor do we like the machievellian facial hair he has carved into his stony countenance -- which only gets weirder throughout the episode.  If we were fancity on this blog, we would do a time lapse. But we are not. 

We secretly look forward to his interview with Dolly Pemily's friends, who are hiding just around the corner on some benches to determine whether any of the men are Husband Material for their buddy.  Sadly, when the guys see these women (one of whom is Indian), some unidentified one of them says, "ooo, are we getting manicures?"  Again, no words.

While we don't see much of these interviews, we see enough to conclude that We Love DP's friends, particularly Wendy:
Wendy of Sean: "Sean is like a genetic gift to the world."
Wendy TO Sean:  "You'd look good in a cape.  Or some spandex."
Wendy to the Hulk: "Well, you're put together in a very pretty way, for a man."  Of course, you could blow up like a tick after you get married, you never know."  

And then:  Time Stands Still.  For the Hulk, forever cemeting himself as the Biggest Closet Ass on Season Dolly Pemily, declares that he would expect DP to maintain her physique at its "very best" after marriage for, if she were to stray in poundage, he would "still love her, but not love up on her so much."  And he says this not only to DP, but also to her friends.  He is Dead To Us (All of Us).

But we almost don't have time to select a circle of hell into which to consign the Hulk, as the friends are recommending that DP go for Sean or Dong. Ok, so Dong is our favorite, even though his life story makes us feel horribly ashamed about ever complaining about anything, ever.  Lo, for Dong's father had epilepsy, hooked up with a bad woman with whom he had two children (including Dong) before she deserted him and the kids, then Dong's father subsequently died when chosing to pay for groceries for the children instead of taking himself to a hospital for his condition, and Dong and his sister were split up and placed in foster care, but, according to Dong, "You only have bad days to appreciate the good ones."  OH.   Then Dong takes time out on the date to counsel Mr. Wood, who is having a hard time coping with missing his son.  He doesn't even make fun of Mr. Wood's sweater, which has a popped collar, buckles, AND snaps.  Double OH.  We might have a little crush on Dong, who is probably a better person than we will ever be.

Conversely, we just can't get that excited about Sean, who informs DP's friends that "family and faith" are what is most important, and informs DP that he is looking for someone "who is confident, but also who I can lead." GAH.  Babies, Sean, though only 28, is confident that he will be a Perfect Husband and Dad because his father has shown him how to do that for 28 years.  We sigh, and once again wish we could drink.

In the end, and after playing with some children and then going to an me outdoor rooftop bar for the standard "end of group date" drinking session, Dolly Pemily sends Mr. Wood home to be with his son, and gives the rose to Sean.  Nooooo.

But yay!! For Date Card #3 has arrived! Colon, thus far cut out from all dates, hopes that "Emily has planned something really over the top for our date," but the card is NOT for Colon. . but for Hot Wheels.  Yay! Hot Wheels, for the win!! We like Hot Wheels because he's one of the least dandified of all of the men, and appears to be allowing himself to go gray. "Love is a wild ride," says the card.

So for about the last 20 years, this viewer has wanted to go to Dollyworld. Because, come on, it is DOLLYWORLD.   And also, Dolly Parton is one cool lady. "I love me some Dolly Parton," says Dolly Pemily, and we like her even more, despite the fact that she is wearing jean shorts and cowboy boots.  We do not care how many fashionable women wear boots and shorts -- that combination will forever be the World Of No that is socks with sandals and one-armed dresses to this viewer.  The End.

Anyway, we feel Dolly Pemily's pain when she says that, despite going to Dollyworld all the time as a kid, she "doesn't do rollercoasters."  This viewer will never, voluntarily, go on a roller coaster.  Yet Hot Wheels gets DP onto one, AND keeps her from peeing herself during the ride.  But soon all is forgotten, as Hot Wheels and DP sit down to write their own love song in a darkened theater (oh dear god) before . . the REAL Dolly Parton comes out on a stage to sing to them!!  DP is shaking and "about to die."  WE are shaking and about to die, being both excited and grateful that we do not have to hear any DP-penned love songs.  Hot Wheels does not seem similarly stricken, but is very sweet with DP, thereby earning several points in this viewer's esteem.

In the end, Hot Wheels gets the rose.  We are happy for him, as he just seems like a normal guy despite being a fancity racecar driver. 

And then here we are at the rose ceremony.  We are not quite sure what made DP wear cowboy boots with her floorlength dress, but we applaud her decision on comfort.  So, the highlights:

(a) Colon, wearing fashion glasses, and no socks with his loafers and suit, tells DP "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish," after talking over her about 20 times during a conversation, told her that he always thought his "first" child would be his own, and that he's "never had to share much in my life, and to share you with others is difficult."  We canNOT understand why she does not eliminate him on the spot.
(b) Travis, the dude that has been carrying around an egg since episode 1, allowed DP to smash it finally, and
(c) Latin gets summarily eliminated during 1:1 time with DP, when he describes becoming a husband and father as a "compromise" that would take him away from work. And really, this is the moment where we conclude that Hot Wheels and DP could actually make a go of it, as they both check in with eachother after DP gives Latin the axe.  We do not give the same credit to Sean, who supposedly restores Dolly Pemily's faith by swearing again that he would be a Perfect Father to Ricky.

In the end, DP picks, to join Corporate Chris, Sean, and Hot Wheels:
1.  Jef(f)
2.  Charlie
3. Dong (YAY)
4.  Pretty Michael
5.  Travis (now egg-less)
6.  Other Latin
7.  Hulk (boooo)
8.  Data Destruction
9.  Colon (NOOOO)
10.  Some guy named Nate.

Ducky gets the axe.   But beware, for the Hulk has been enraged.  He saw DP and Hot Wheels kissing after Latin got the Axe, and is going to Rain Down the Pain.  For, Hot Wheels (at probably 6' 3" and 225 lbs) is "dainty" but the Hulk is more "physical," and ready for a fight. Ooooo.

KLo.