Desiree WSBB Part 11: In Which All of This Viewer's Dreams Come True

Well babies, it is the Finale Extravaganza that we have all been waiting for, before a Live Viewing Audience whose overall composite resembles rejected candidates for the show.  They are all white or mildly brown, thin, long-leggedy, and with long flowey hair.  One even is wearing a Gerber daisy in said flowey hair, which This Viewer finds Completely Unacceptable because the viewing audience member is neither getting married nor 6 years old.

As we begin to watch "Desiree's story unfold," our first image is of a cannon, staring forlornly out to sea. 

"It's just so . .  . impotent," whispers This Viewer to KMu. 

Desiree is still crying, which she has apparently been doing for a week. Oh, with Brooks gone, it's "really hard." She doesn't know if she can continue!  So, Chris Harrison comes to convince her: 

CH: "If Brooks Brothers was not part of the equation, can you see yourself with the others?"

Desiree WSBB: "I don't know. . ."

CH: " Come on, I bet you will light up a little when you see them." 

Desiree WSBB:  "Oh, I will.  My heart may be broken, BUT MY SOUL IS NOT."

This Viewer Spits out her Wine. Oh Desiree WSBB, every night, in my dreams, I see you, I feeeeeel you.  That is how I know you. . . Go On.  Near, Far, whereeeeeever you are. .  .

And also, wherever she is, We secretly wish that she would never wear that dress again, because it is like an orange and silken rucksack.  

So Desiree decides to soldier on with the remaining guys, and to head towards the rose ceremony, which weirdly appears in the first hour of the show. Drew and Chris soon appear in pencil suits, to stand in front of a large and garish "Aztec Rug" that -- no joke -- looks like something This Viewer made in Weaving Class at day camp as a child.  Chris Harrison ominously tells them that "There is a lot you don't know, but it's not my place to tell you, so . . . here's Des!"

And then we get uncomfortable.  

For the last 1 1/2 episodes, all we have been hearing is that Brooks Brothers is "the one" and that Desiree "loved" him and couldn't love Drew or Chris as much.  And yet this is all she says to Drew and Chris: "Brooks Brothers chose to go home yesterday.  It turned my world upside down because of the point we are at.  But love is unpredictable, a two way street, blahdy blah, so please, don't f*cking mess with me.  If I ask you to accept this rose and you don't want it, for the love of god don't take it." 

And then she bursts into tears. 

On the one hand, we get it:  don't mess with her and keep taking roses if you aren't sure. On the other hand, boy howdy did Desiree WSBB play down the whole Brooks Brothers thing. 

Of course, both men take the roses, and then we return to "Bachelor Nation," a/k/a the Live Viewing Audience to get some reactions. 

Did Brooks Brothers ruin the other mens' chances?  Not so, says a woman in a nondescript white pinafore.  Maybe he will come back!  A second woman wearing a tablecloth for a skirt is a fan of Chris ("ALL the Chrises" she says to Chris Harrison -- eek).  We don't hear what a third woman has to say because she is wearing too much blush and also, a dress that looks like a button-down top meshed with culots and held together with a brown wicker belt.   And then we don't hear what a 4th viewing audience member said because we were mesmerized by her slightly unfocused eyes and duck-mouth peeping out from behind Chris Harrison and did not realize that she had gotten up to speak.  Sorry, we suck this evening, babies. 

At last, we return to the show.  Gentle Readers, This Viewer looks like Kramer when we wake up.  It is Impressive.  But not so for Desiree, who is shown popping out of bed in full make-up and in extremely tight, and possibly bedazzled, shorts and tanktop. 

"If I slept in a top like that, I would wake up with sequins in creases I didn't even know I had," says KMu.

Desiree WSBB is getting on a horse today, to hang out with Drew for a last date.  And this is what we don't understand:  Every shirt this woman wears, whether ugly or pretty, is cut to bare her midriff.  This shirt is no different.  It is Ugly (Impressively so, with giant beads and terribleness), and then stops at her ribcage. Which only makes it worse. 

We receive a text from ABe, across the miles, containing dark mutterings of about "horse top" and "death." 

But all is not well, for Desiree is "not feeling the way I should be" about Drew.  So after making him clod his horse down to the beach, she promptly dumps him.  After he has spent the last 20 minutes saying that he loves her and plans to propose and has never been so sure about anything in his life. 

"That awkward moment when the woman you totally want to marry, says she doesn't Like You Like That" says KMu.

And then the strangest thing happens:  We start to really like Drew because he has about the most graceful and gracious a goodbye that we have ever seen.  He tells her "well, I didn't see that coming.  But you don't have to apologize for not being in love with me.  This hurts.  It hurts a lot.  But I guess this is goodbye."   And then he doesn't wait around or cry or plead -- he just leaves, and tells her that he hopes she "finds her happiness."  Oh!!!!

He tells the camera that he didn't see himself coming out of this show without her, and that he really loves her, AND that she is amazing.  

We feel bad for him.  And also, admire his coping skills. 

As we return to the Viewing Audience, we are left wondering ...  Will Chris suffer the same fate? 

As soon as Chris pops out from the trees for his date, we know he will not.  Lo, for they have a goofy teamwork that translates across the television cables.   And also, Desiree WSBB is taking him out on a catamaran, so she can't very well dump him without throwing him overboard.  

They board the boat, and Chris is telling her how hard it was to watch her cry at the rose ceremony, because he would have preferred to comfort her, but didn't wish to do it in front of Drew, out of respect for Drew.  But that he will always be there for her.  And she acknowledges that, and says, "yup, you always have been."  Oh!! And then they go to dinner and even though she is wearing an impossibly ugly dress and weirdly matching lipgloss, he is unphased.  And as she kisses him and then apologizes for getting lip gloss all over him, he says: 

"That's okay, I didn't put any on today."  Double Oh!!!!

And THEN, he makes a toast at dinner and tells her that he isn't worried about Their Future because he feels like every time they are together, they take a Step Forward.  Which is true and how it should normally be.  

This Viewer Has Melted Into the Sofa. 

So Chris has gotten Desiree WSBB a gift, which is a journal.  We cringe a little bit, thinking about the journal that Abs also got for her.  He shows her his inscription at the beginning, and a perfectly lovely quote, and then flips to the back to show that he has put poems at the end.  But KMu and This Viewer don't care because there is a card in the middle which ABC Does Not Let Us See. 

"What is it, fantasy suite card?" says KMu. " Applebees Gift Card??" 

"Nudey pic," whispers this Viewer. 

But as Desiree says goodnight, she is crying and we are crying because she has "Never felt like someone has loved me as much as I love them," which is why it is so hard to accept that Chris loves her so much.   Sigh.  

But Chris Harrison has to drag this thing out, so he goes BACK to the Viewing Audience and pulls some of Desiree's Besties up to speak:  Jackie, Le Democrat, and The General's Daughter from Season Pringles.  

As we gaze at Le Democrat's weird bra-as-a-top sundress, KMu speaks for All of Us: "Why does such a pretty woman insist on wearing such ugly dresses?"

Blahdy Blah, then Hillshire and Pringles come out and try to convince us all that they are in love and getting married.  We are Unmoved. 

At last, we go BACK to Antigua, to meet Desiree's family.  We are dreading this a little because of Brother Nate.  But, Chris actually handles him well, answering all of his questions candidly and without taking umbrage (even the obnoxious and random ones like "Are you a jealous guy?"  to which Chris says "No, I don't believe so." ).   We even kind of admire Brother Nate in subsequent 1:1 time with Desiree (damn you, ABC, for Playing Us Like A Fiddle).  

Brother Nate tells Desiree "Well, I've got some things to say. . ."

"I slept with Drew," whispers ABe's sister-in-law, KZb, across the miles. 

KZb, For The Win.

But alas, No.  Brother Nate proceeds to grill Desiree about the Brooks Brothers thing, and whether she is ready for something with someone else, in light of how much she cared about Brooks.  Well, good to know he will still do his sibling duty to Good Cop/Bad Cop all crazy life decisions of his sister. 

Finally, finally, it is the rose ceremony. And let's face it, we are all a little bit in love with Chris by now.  So, we forgive Neil Lane for being present and having only a selection of Enormous and Terrifying Rings for Chris to choose from.  And we forgive Desiree's Nod to Figure Skating in the form of a giant sequin thingy on the side of her dress.  We forgive all of these things because ABC lets us watch Chris get dressed for the rose ceremony, and It Is All Good. 

And here is the thing.  What follows is, surprisingly to all of us, the most romantic proposal of all time.  Even A Bitter Old Cat like this Viewer is swooning into her sofa as Chris tells Desiree:  "I don't want to make decisions for myself any more.  I want to make decisions with you, for us."  

And then he attempts to get down on one knee, and she pulls him up and tells him that she was blinded by the whole Brooks thing, and lost the ability to see that everything she wanted and needed was right in front of her!  And that she loves him!  

And THEN he says something along the lines of:  

"I have something to say, something to ask you, and there is a lot behind it.  Do you want to grow old together.  Do you want to share experiences, and let me share my experiences with you. Do you want to have a family?  And children?"  And THEN, after ALL OF US HAVE PASSED OUT BECAUSE THIS LEVEL OF ROMANCE NEVER HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE, he asks her to marry him. 

KMu and this Viewer watch the proposal three times.  Which has never happened in BNU history.  Ever. 

Then we must go to the "After The Final Rose" bonus hour-long episode, which is long, and in which we see Brooks Brothers, and Drew, and blahy blay.  But here, HERE, are the only important aspects: 

1.  Desiree and Chris are still going strong, and say that the relationship has only deepened since the show stopped filming, and we actually believe them. 

2.  JUAN TON IS THE NEXT BACHELOR. 

Omg, this has been the most perfect. night. ever.  

We shall see you next season, Gentle Readers, for This Viewer would not Miss It For The World. 

- KLo