BW Part After the Final (wait, there WASN'T ONE) Rose

Chris Harrison is coming, and he is PISSED. He is so pissed that we are not even distracted by the one dude randomly appearing in the audience, likely as a Mother's Day gift to his wife and daughter. And this is why: Nobody has talked since that fateful Saturday 2 1/2 months ago when BW dumped both Jenni and Deanna. It looks like not even Chris has, and it is Going to Be a Bloodbath, Babies.

But first, ABC must do some serious triage by carting out the two happy couples from this show. Trista and Ryan truck out their baby Max, who is very cute, and discuss how they feel bad for all involved. And then Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots appear. We are pleased to report that LB is still sporting the same long greasy hair. But Mary. Oh oh Mary. In the words of KMu, Mary has taken every piece of turquois from the local tribe. And she has fashioned it into Betty Rubble's necklace. She has also fallen in love with LB's fishing so much that she is now fishing professionally as well. Oh, and they are getting married "in November," which we are guessing to be 2008. We are pretty sure that if we had the time to go back through Previous Bachelor News Updates, we would discover that she has said they were getting married "in November" for more than one year now.

And then it is time for Jenni, who comes out in her signature green empire-waisted babydoll dress of cotton t-shirt material. If we were 18 again, we would wear a bikini every day as we would now know that It Ain't Gonna Ever Be Better. We applaud that Jenni has figured that out in her 20s and is taking full advantage of the ability to wear entire t-shirt material clothing without revealing the hail-damaged ravages so frequently highlighted by the stirrup pants of one's later years. We note that she has also dyed her hair black, probably in mourning. We would too.

Jenni with an "i" lays it on the line. After a very sad tribute to her grandma (who died two weeks ago), in which we determine that Grandma B KNEW that BW was a weasel from day one, Jenni tells us that she feel misled , and (check this), THOUGHT HE WAS WITH DEANNA UNTIL THE SHOW AIRED LAST NIGHT. That is just pure evil. And she criticizes Brad for assuming that love can only happen one way, and for not even attempting to see how it would go in real life with either herself or Deanna. "Love doesn't just come sliding out from under the bed," says she.

We give her a pass on that one.

And then Double Dee comes out. She is also in black, with black nails (which might be a Little Much, but are also cute. And if we had painted our nails like that, maybe we wouldn't have bitten two of them off yesterday). She reveals that she still has feelings for BW, and that part of her hopes that he will come out on set today and ask her out, while simultaneously being pissed and feeling like he has some serious issues. "Anyone would be lucky to have me or Jenni in their lives. Did he think something better was going to come along? Most men get only one! He had two! Hell yeah, something is wrong with him." ok, so that last part we might have editorialized, but she did pretty much say it.

And then BW enters, to a smattering of "boos." And Chris Harrison gets his Miss Thang on. BW starts out saying he's more disappointed than anyone and has a broken heart too, but CH is like, "DUDE, you flew Deanna's dad out. You ASKED for Deanna's dad to come out. You were going to propose [you crap weasel]." And Chris is all "yes I did, Chris. I had a bad feeling in my gut when I looked at rings, but I wanted to give it every chance." And Chris comes back, "So did you feel like a [lying crapweasel tard] jerk?"

Finally, the women come out to face him individually, and right then, we decide that Jenni and Deanna must become the next Bachelorettes and Find Love in Tandem because they do not give him an inch. Jenni tells him she's lost some respect for him, and asks why on earth, if he had such "strong feelings" for either one of the women, he would let them both just walk away. And BW is all "I showed both of you the utmost respect BY walking away because I couldn't commit to one when I had feelings for both [even though my feelings for Deanna were stronger and I think of her every day] [as we later discover]."

And then Deanna is like, "you led me on [creep]." She's all, "Throughout the whole process, you didn't give me any indication. You told me Saturday [the day of dumping] was going to be a good day! For who? Was it a good day for you Brad, because it sure wasn't for me." And then he makes it worse by saying he wanted to give "our love" every chance of happening, but it just wasn't 100%.

Chris Harrison jumps in the ring: "Were you looking for ways out? The whole 100% is just an excuse." To which he responds that there are "absolutely" still feelings on his side for Double Dee and that he thinks about her every day. AND THEN he tells Deanna that, with respect to letting her walk out of his life and never see her again: "I am very confident in my decision, yes." BUT THEN AGAIN during the fade to credits and after she has told him he has made a serious mistake, he tells her "I'll miss you more than you'll ever know" and DD is all "please don't say that to me right now."

This dude is an emotionally irresponsible brick.

WE are pissed. Chris Harrison, you better find a nice one next time around, because we don't Want Anymore Scrubs.

Until the Spring, Babies (unless we retire from blogging based on our inability to write in a timely manner).

-Peace.

BW Part Finale: Oh no he DIDN'T.

"Today is the most important and exciting day" BW says to kick of the finale episode. He is drinking coffee on his porch from a weird ribby-like-a-tube-sock coffee cup that we are pretty sure has to go through the dishwasher a few times to get clean.

Suddenly here we are with his mom Pam, Bro Chad, and what we think at first is the young dude Mrs. Robinson picked up and is now calling Brad's dad but who later turns out to be another brother Wes (oops). Anyhow, Double Dee rolls up wearing her signature orange. We tell our viewing companion KMu that we could go back through the episodes and point out that Big Dee has worn the same shade of orange for weeks upon weeks. "That's to prove she's a hot Latina," says Kmu. "Yes, because she's Greek," says I.

As they eat dinner, BW reveals that Double Dee is not just a realtor, but also a bartender! "We would not only gain a sister in law, but an employee as well," says somebody. We are kind of creeped out by this. But not as creeped as by Pammy asking Deanna if she is in love with BW. Pam is wearing too much foundation, which this viewer will call pancake even if that is oldfashioned because it looks like it, all glisteny and "flesh"-color Crayola crayon-like. Double Dee loves him with all her heart, would be crushed if they never saw each other, etc etc.

The next BW-Family date is with Jenni, in green. AGAIN. How is it possible that she woke up one morning and decided to fill an entire closet with George Michael circa 1989 "Gotta Have Faith" electric green? About as likely as Deanna standing at a road construction site with a stop/slow sign, we conclude (which we totally saw this morning on our way to work).

This date progresses along much the same lines as with Double Dee. They eat. Pam asks her if she has told BW she loves him yet. She chokes. Mom says "You're not marrying BW, you're marrying all of us. Do you get that?" She yes yes, she loves him, and then they play football. Mom concludes that "sweetheart, you've got your work cut out for you," in deciding between the two women. According to Pam, "white is white and black is black to Brad. There is no gray in his life." And right then and there, this viewer KNOWS (or really, confirms) that BW is not for her, as we are really a Whiter Shade of Pale. I mean seriously, how do you get to your 30s still thinking that way?

But now, here come the final dates. Oh oh oh, Double Dee has cooked something and it involves greenery. We discover this is lasagne. As our only lasagne-making attempt ended in shameful tragedy (we will not go there), we cannot throw stones. Particularly since she baked. At any rate, the question here becomes, "Are you there Brad? It's me, Deanna." as we are treated to the following soliloquey:
Scene One: (following Brad's declaration that she is everything he looks for in a wife.)
Double Dee (to be delivered in a monotone):
"I have a certain way that dishes should be done, and that laundry should be done. I am falling in love with you, and I want to be the person that makes you happy and smile. I know the things that we share, and I can't imagine you sharing those thoughts and feelings with anyone else."

Ok, SERIOUSLY. I heart you, Big D, but this is freaking me out with the monotone and the rapid blinking. And also, what is up with the dishes/laundry/I love you nonsequitor?

We will never know, as we jump forward to BW's last date with Jenni. BW is wearing this linen shirt and right away we know that he does not do his own ironing. We once had a pair of linen pants that we thought were pretty until we sat at dinner too long and ended up looking like an elderly asian tourist of america with our socks clearly showing below capris-length jeans. All of this reminds us that there ARE people like us, as on our way over to KMu's house last night a man stopped us (in our full bucket hat, sweatpants, dress socks, and sandals with crackberry and mailbox key Total Hotness) and mistook us for his wife. We might live in what might be referred to locally as A Retirement Community, but we Felt like we belonged, you know?

Anyway, Jenni doesn't cook, since she got them sushi. But we heart the sushi, so we give her a Pass. We also give her a Pass because for the first time, we have seen her tattoo up close, as she is wearing our college sundress that we decided we were too old to wear and now wish we had back. Said tattoo is two smiley faces (one colored in) with a heart between them. We can only conclude that this means "don't worry, be racially-and-culturally-sensitive-and-everybody-get-along-as-it-is-a-small-world." We decide we kind of want a tattoo like that, even though it will sag with age to take on the appearance of two breasts on her back.

But Jenni gives an even longer soliloquey than Double Dee, which we will not write here except to note that she has not memorized it. She unfolds her paper and begins:
"Brad, I love everything about you and I want you in my life.
I do believe everything happens for a reason and that people you meet mean something.
I am falling in love with you (phew) and I want to share my life with you.
I respect you with everything I have and I know this is really hard for you.
I stand by you no matter who you choose.
But please know that if you take a chance on me (crying now), and want to go through life with me, I would be so good to you."

KMu describes Brad's thoughts as she talks:
"Oh My God, should I tell her that I can't read?"

And then it is a new day. Brad wakes up on some stripey sheets that look sort of waxy and uncomfortable to go shopping for engagement rings at Chopard. Everybody else is getting ready in their foxy short dresses. Deanna has dressed like The Oscar (seriously, check it out). Jenni has opted for a more flowing Blue Goddess in a Short Skirt option. And then Brad stands before us in a garden of small trees cut by Mr. Miagi, on a pedestal of stone, waiting for the ladies.

And out steps Jenni from the limo. NOOOOOOO. And he takes the big Dump: "From the moment I saw you, I was taken aback by your beautiful smile. But I want something more than I have with you, so I am saying goodbye." *gasp* And we heart Jenni and we stand up with her in Fierceness as she tells him that this is why she didn't want to tell him how she felt because now she did and she's embarrassed. And we decide Jenni must be the next Bachelorette, and that we will put up with her 8th grade boy giggle if only she can Find Love Next Time Around. As she rides away in the limo, she says her dad told her there is one person out there for her and that she will find him. We heart Jenni's dad.

And now it is Double Dee's turn. He tells her she looks beautiful, strong, and independent (uh oh). He says "I think about that night I first kissed you, and it's been a long time if ever that I felt this way. And I just said goodbye to Jenni." AND THEN HE WALKS OFF THE PEDESTAL and we are all "WTF," and DD is all "WTF" and standing awkwardly two feet above him on some stone step as he wanders around the garden before climbing back up to her. "We always said we would be perfectly honest with each other, and that is why I can't tell you that I love you. I have to say goodbye."

Ohhhhh.... SNAP. On the one hand, we admire his honesty, and Double Dee's "oh no, bitch, you didn't" response to him. But on the other, this dude SERIOUSLY needs to work on his dumping skills. "I love you and you are fabulous, but I'm just not that into you" really does not help with the ladies. As she rides away in the limo, Double Dee says "I am sick of being that girl that makes the guy perfect for the next one." And then we LOVE Double Dee as a Woman After Our Own Heart.

We go to credits with a picture of BW on the pedestal, crying and holding a ring.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when Jenni and Double Dee confront BW in After the Final Rose. We are not quite sure bloodletting won't be involved.

k

YES I KNOW!!!!

The Bachelor News Update shall be with you shortly. But we really did have a good excuse this time....truly.

BW Part 7: I've Got Something in My Pants

In keeping with the late theme of this season's bachelor blogging, we apologize for the delay caused by, though we won't mention names (KMu), a decided preference for DVR'd Dancing with the Stars combining with this viewer's inability to stay up past 11 pm. A perfect storm, if you will. But as the anonymous (KMu) viewer and her husband have saved us numerous times from the Pitfalls of 1982 Television Ownership through the Technological Wonder of the Record Button, we at the Bachelor News Update do not hold a grudge.

But more importantly, It has finally happened!!! Yea, gentle readers, this Viewer is now one Kevin Bacon removed from the best show EVER, and that Kevin Bacon is none other than Cabo San Lucas. No longer must we claim bachassociation via this one reader who was roommates with a contestant one season, or this other reader whose parents play golf with the parents of another bachelor on ocassion. No no, but not only have we BEEN TO cabo san lucas, but to one of the very resorts FILMED in said episode. We bask in the glory.

Speaking of, it is lady bits galore as Jenni runs towards BW in a mini-mumu of red. And it only goes down (ha ha, we crack ourselves up) from there as they swim with the dolphins. We cannot look away from the entire foot of Jenni's ice cream shelf spanning downward before we are mercifully saved from the eternal "did she Sphynx it" inquiry of all male readers by the "ini" part of the leopard print bikini. Oh sweet Jesus. If not felled by the ini, we are blinded by the hot pink lhasa apso bows holding the entire ensemble together.

Befittingly, BW cannot wait to "spend the night with her and get to know her in that way." We are confident that the only "way" of which he means is under cover of darkness, and not in his own archeological dig for said Sphynx. We are assured of our correct assumption by Jenni's statement that it is very hard to say how she is feeling, and easier for her to show it. To Jenni, we say "know theyself:"
J: " I am pretty sure you has something special in your pocket, and I would like to see it."
J again: "Or are you just happy to see me?"
BW: "Why don't you just grab it."

And there it is: Bachelor First part deux: in which the Lady Requests the Fantasy Suite Key.
J: "When a man and a woman are extremely attracted to each other, you never know what might happen." Did she miss 8th grade sex ed? We sincerely pray no, as they shut the bedroom door against our eyes.

Date 2 is with Bettina Newton John, and we are COMPLETELY CREEPED OUT. We understand that muffin-top-showing fashion is popular these days, but one should not show MT when the T has been entirely dieted off. If BW thinks he's going to see the "true woman" in her as he hopes, we must express our doubt as that girl don't weight enough to be a woman any time soon. In any event, they raise the main sail of the boat they are frolicking in. "Brad and I got to operate a boat, and he looked really hot."

We hope this sentence never crosses our lips.

Nor this: "This time on the beach is a perfect time to be intimate and physical with him."

We do not care because for the love of god, we must get her a sandwich before her french cut bikini bottoms give up the ghost also known as "traction" and slide up her skinny arse like the wedgie of evil torturer of this viewer in jr. high, EM, so massive and highlighted by EM's white shorts that our own mother felt bad for her on Track and Field day from 1/4 mile away the stands. And apparently, BW feels the same, as he suggests that they eat. And then, of course, sleep together. But she, too, is falling in love with BW, so that makes it all ok. We later learn that they ate to the caterwauling strains of "con la cama roja" (like the red bed, babies).

And then it is DeAnna's turn. We applaud Double Dee for not wearing any ice-cream-shelf-or-arse-revealing fashions for their spin in dune buggies. She, of course, kicks his ass: "I am a very good driver, and when you want to learn, I will teach you." And our personal favorite: "If I drove like that, I'd be lonely too." Though we secretly wonder if our own singlish state is caused by our driving skills. booo.

Soon it is time for dinner. We conclude that ABC has gotten it Wrong this time, as we focus in on the Day of the Dead skeletons most assuredly intended for Bettina Newton John's dinner date (give the girl a sandwich/she is toast/eat some toast). Double Dee and BW firmly establish that neither has the opportunity to meet people like the other very often. And then, the soliloquey (ayayayaya Spanish guitar):
Double Dee: "I knew. I just knew. I always knew you had my heart. I am falling in love with you."
Only like, 300 words longer. He is speechless, and BW gives her the room key because he "wants to get physical. To Kiss, and touch, and hug." He sees her as a soulmate, and that he could spend his life with her. ew.

We all know it is a ploy to make us think someone else has a chance. But we are not fooled; we know that Jenni is really going to win. Nice try, ABC.

And soon it is the Rose Ceremony, in which all have apparently gotten the memo to wear blue (except Jenni, because she is Different and will be Picked in the End). Jenni, of course, has her bits on display. But Bettina NJ has stolen our Six Single Sisters frock from the Follies, died it blue, and added a some silky underlay thingy for good measure. We are all confused by the straps and sleeves and other strappy thingies and know that she could not Undress Gracefully.

Surprise, surprise, Brad picks:
1. Jenni, and
2. Double "you look amazing" Dee.

And with similar shock, we learn that BW STILL has not learned the Art of Cut and Run. "I have been thinking of you all day," he tells Bettina NJ. "This decision is going to haunt me. There are real feelings." Even though he DOESN'T KNOW WHO SHE IS, which is the reason why he gave her the axe.

But suddenly, we are not caring anymore, because for the first time ever in bachelor history, two bona fide brunettes stand at the final gate. Way to represent.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All.