Dolly Pemily Part Finale & ATFR: The Man Who Will Fight For Her Honor Is . . .

"Let's get it started, HA." Says ABe.I.Am.  "Let's get it started In Here." 

And off we go to begin DP Part Finale. Except, Crisis: We missed the first 20 minutes of the episode.  Typically, this would not concern us because it would just be recaps and Chris Harrison giggling behind  his  hand.  But ABC has decided to Mix Things Up, and so as we turn on the television, and the date in which Jef(f) has met Dolly's family has ended!  And we are half way through the Date with Hot Wheels and the family!  Nooo!!.  

Relax, this is likely what happened in the first 20 minutes:  Jef(f) wore skinny jeans and his  hipster bouffant.  He was charming.  We liked him in spite of ourselves.  We met Mom, Dad, brother Ernie, who probably got beaten up in school with that name, and his wife/girlfriend/significant other.  All of whom were charming.  Jef(f) asked for permission to marry DP, and it was given.

See, now you are caught up.

So here we are still in Curacao, and now Hot Wheels is talking to DP's brother, Ernie, about the LAST TIME  he dated a single mom. We are not sure this is a good move.   Next up is Dad, who looks like J.R. from Dallas circa Our Childhood, listening to Hot Wheels profess his love of The Dolly.  But after Hot Wheels asks for Dad's blessing to marry Dolly Pemily, there is  . . . radio silence from Dad.  Hot Wheels' face completely falls, our heart breaks for him, and then we all breathe a sigh of relief when Dad says: "Well, you seem like a good guy. 'Specially whe you say you will work hard not to lose her.  That's a doggon' good place to start. So I will give you my blessing."

"I did not see that Dolly Pemily was a 'West Virginia Hood Rat' until this very moment," says KMu.

Suddenly, Dolly Pemily is kissing Hot Wheels goodbye.  Except we really aren't focusing anymore, because we are blinded by the dayglow crochet sundress that DP is wearing. ABe does not think it is that bad, but this viewer Objects.  Crochet does not belong On the Body, babies, unless it is a sweater. 

So, DP is confused and a little upset that her family is not telling her who to pick, as both gentlemen Are So Fabulous.  We secretly applaud this reserve, as one's family should not be deciding who a person marries. Then Mom, who has smoked more than a few cigarettes in her lifetime, takes Dolly aside for a fireside chat.  We love mom because she is wearing a red mumu, and therefore can be considered to Put Comfort First.  "I would suggest that you not get engaged. Just see how things work with Ricki first."  The Dolly starts to cry.

One hard edit later, and we are foist into a "live" viewing audience.  WTF?!? We fear that we are suddenly back at the Men Tell All until Chris Harrison says something about last dates with Jef(f) and Hot Wheels coming up.  Sweet Jesus in the Desert.  We are watching a taped show of a live studio audience watching a taped show of what once happened live.  We search the table for some wine.

But now DP is with Ricki, asking her whether she wants to help her mother get ready for her date or play some more.  "Play some more" says Ricki.   We wish she would have picked the former, because when we first see Dolly Pemily walking towards Jef(f) on their final date, we see some sort of black stringy top in the back, and thick black waistband, and neon lime green mini-towel covered in a long slit of neon lime green World of No.

"Oh. My. God." says ABe.  "I thought that was some sort of S&M thing at first."

Jef(f) and the Dolly sit on the beach and have an awkward conversation:
Jef(f):  What are you thinking about?
DP: "Oh, how I don't want to hurt anybody . . . This is stressful" [and I like talking and not talking, soup]
Jef(f):  Well, I am not stressed.  I am very clear in my mind about this. But you  know, I have not met Ricki. 

Once again, Jef(f) for the win.  He encourages her to let him meet Ricki, as that is important to him to make sure this is all going to work. She incoherently stumbles about not having planned to introduce Ricki to either of the final guys.  Finally, Jef(f) gently points out that, if their positions were reversed, wouldn't she feel weird about meeting someone so important and perfect for her, and thinking about marrying that person, never having met his daughter?  We at the BNU love that Jef(f) does not simply assume Ricki will be cool with whatever her mother decides to do.

Dolly Pemily concedes, puts a denim shirt over the heinous neon & black contraption, and they go to the house where DP and Ricki have been staying.   Oh, to be the unsuspecting babysitter sitting by the pool as Ricki plays, not realizing that they are both being furtively watched through the slats of the blind.

"So, is she going to let him meet her, or just look at her through the blinds?' asks KMu.  We turn to KMu and gasp.  Gentle readers, we have a WOMAN DOWN.   Lo, for she is holding All Manner of Washcloth to her nose, and has informed the remainder of the BNU staff that EMu likely broke KMu's nose as she was putting EMu down to sleep.  That's right: The #1 baby-related injury occurring to parents of toddlers just happened at the BNU.  But fortified with ice cubes, KMu is determined to Soldier On.  The remainder of the evening will be spent casting furtive worried looks across the sofa.

Ricki has a "who the f*ck are you" look on her face as Dolly Pemily introduces Ricki to "her friend Jef(f)."  Our heart breaks for the little girl, as we see a fleeting look of "uh oh what does this mean" cross her eyes.  But then things improve, as Jef(f) convinces Ricki to let Jef(f) wear her pink goggles and they goof off together in the pool.  In the end, Ricki is giggling about her stuffed animals, one of which has eaten too many cheetos, and they are letting hermit crabs loose in the sand.  Ricki is wondering if Jef(f) will come back the next day to play, and Dolly Pemily is positively glowing, as Jef(f) walks away to get ready for dinner.

"There's is a calm love," states KMu sagely from behind her icepack.  Well, one doesn't want it to be like "Oh, HEEEAAAATHCLIFFF!!!" thinks this Viewer.

At dinner, Dolly Pemily is wearing a rosary with a Star of David dangling off the end of it around her neck.  Way to walk the line, Dolly.  As DP and Jef(f) laugh and talk on the sofa, he says "I have a gift for you."
"Book of Mormon?" wonders ABe.
No no, it is a book about Curacao.  "Meh," thinks this Viewer, until Jef(f) shows Dolly Pemily that he has drawn them, stick-figure style, into all sorts of the pictures:  snorkeling, sitting on a sofa, at the beach. 

Okay, this is the Best. Gift. Ever.  This Viewer gives up and falls a little in love with Jef(f).

Suddenly, here is Chris Harris again.  And now he is asking some woman named "Paisley" from the viewing audience what she thinks about Jef(f).  "Oh, Jeff is very genuine, natural, blah blah" says she.  We wonder where her brother, Plaid, is.   But Chris Harrison is not done with time-filling interviews from the taped live audience, because now a second woman is telling him how she can relate to DP, and there's no faster way to a woman's heart than a man who will love both her and her children. And then finally, Madonna circa Desperately Seeking Susan is tittering about how she hopes DP picks Hot Wheels, so that Jef(f) can be left for the rest of America.  

At this, two thoughts jumble together in this viewer's brain:  (1) Who told this woman that a black bra would not show through a yellow linen shirt, and (2) WHY IN TEN YEARS HAS THIS VIEWER NOT MANAGED TO FINAGLE HER WAY INTO A LIVE VIEWING AUDIENCE.  Babies, one day, the entire BNU staff is going to Go On A Fieldtrip. You know, for research.

And then:  we are faced with an Iguana.  WTF.  But Chris Harrison has made his way from our live viewing audience into the taped version of the live show that said audience is presenty watching. Dolly Pemily wants to see him because She Is Torn.  Last week, she didn't know what she was going to do, but seeing Jef(f) play with Ricki made it click in her mind:  She wants to be with him. . . but she has a date with Hot Wheels coming up. What ever will she do?  We feel bad for her and understand the horrible nature of the break up that is about to ensue . . and then. . .

We see Hot Wheels, cheerfully making a Love Potion with the help of a P.O.C. named "Dinah" at "Dinah's Botanical Garden" as he talks about how he will propose the following day.  ABe just threw up her wine.  We want to scream through the television, "No, Hot Wheels! Don't do it!" for as soon as he touches that "thing guaranteed to symbolize love" he will join the ranks of Joe VanDerBeek, Travis w/o the egg, Data, and all the other castaways whose dates involve locks/notes/clocks/gates of love, and so forth.  

But he doesn't listen to us.  Or, at first, Dolly Pemily.  When he sees her, he says, "that's a lovely necklace.  Is it a penis?"  We rewind.  Phoenix, PHOENIX.  Well, that makes a world of difference.

But DP is crying already, and leads him over to a strategically placed love seat for a talk. "I always thought it was going to be you, from our first date, but. . " And he's all "you don't have to say anything more."  And he gives her a kiss on the cheek, and starts to walk away. Dolly Pemily chases after him with a lame "wait. . . " and he shows a little more snap, saying "what do you want from me? I can't give you the goodbye you are looking for.  Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of tomorrow."  He gives her a hug, and gets in the car.

Considering that his heart is obviously shattered, we think he handled that pretty well.  We at the BNU salute you, Hot Wheels.  As he flees the scene, Hot Wheels says that DP is the love of his life, and that he is confused and feels like he misjudged the situation.  We feel bad for Hot Wheels -- truly bad -- as apparently does the live/taped viewing audience, who is silently stricken and crying.

And because this is the Worst Possible Moment Ever, Chris Harrison decides to interrupt our sadness for Hot Wheels with some pointless interviews with some former cast members about how they think Dolly Pemily and Hot Wheels must be Feeling Right Now:  The Dentist, J.P. , Double D, Michael Stagliano, and the Nanny from season Wombat, wearing a white and terrible bandaid of a dress.  We do not care what these people have to say.  And also, we hate the Nanny's dress.

Thank God for Neil Lane to bring us back from this nightmare.  We have returned to Curacao, and Dolly Pemily is preparing for the final rose ceremony, while recapping her relationship with Jef(f). 
"Oh, the dumb f*cking puppets," says ABe. 
Meanwhile, Neil Lane is advising Jef(f) that a ring "really cements the deal."  After Jef(f) picks out a giant and impractical ring, he is seen wandering the beach in pegged pants before preparing for The Event by draping himself in his special Skinny Tie.  Dolly Pemily, meanwhile, is putting on a gladiator chest piece a/k/a pink dress.  We at the BNU really do not like this dress.  It is fine, or at least better than the neon S&M monstrosity.  But ABe keeps wondering if The Dolly is preparing for battle.

Blah blah, Jef(f) walks the Green Mile to the platform where DP is standing.  Blah blah, she says she loves him (during ongoing voice overs of her saying "I don't know if i will accept if he proposes, if I'm ready for that step).  Blah blah, he describes her as "my everything," asks if she will allow him to be a part of her and Ricki's lives, proposes, and . .. she says yes.   The live taped viewing audience is clapping.  Except WE are not, because this is happening;

"Tonight it's very clear. . . .as we're both standing here. . there's so many things I want to say.  I will always love you. . . I will never leave you . . alone. . . I AM A MAN. WHO WOULD FIGHT. FOR YOUR HONOR. . I'LL BE THE HERO.  YOU'RE DREAMING OF. "

We LOVE us some Peter Cetera.  We sing.  ABe sings.  KMu sings through her ice pack, as she eases two aspirin down her throat with a swig directly from the wine bottle.  Stay classy, BNU.

Bur now we are at the After the Final Rose Bonus Third Hour of the show where we want to stab our eyes out.   So we are going to make this short:

(1) Hot Wheels comes on stage, having now adopted his own skinny-tie look, and is all worlds of gracious.  He was heart broken, needed closure, and so took a plane to see DP in Charlotte before thinking the better of it.  He never ended up seeing her, because he realized that would be a mistake and respected everyone else involved too much. But, he did end up speaking with Jef(f) on the phone (who happened to be Hot Wheels best friend in the house), and that helped.  Hot Wheels also left his journal for DP to read, so that she might understand his love for her.

Gentle readers, if this viewer kicks the bucket, she has instructed her husband to BURN her journals.  We do not know what Hot Wheels is thinking.

(2) Dolly Pemily takes the stage in stripper heels.  She has not read Hot Wheels' journal, as that is personal to Hot Wheels.  He is a little hurt, but handles it reasonably well.  They have some sort of closure .

(3) Jef(f) comes out, and he and DP look stupid happy together.  We secretly think this is probably one of the happiest, most comfortable-looking couple we have seen come on AFTFR.  Babies, Jef(f) is moving to Charlotte so that Ricki can remain in school with her friends and around her family.  He is getting a separate place down there, and they are planning a wedding. We are a little impressed by him, as he is the only male contestant that this Viewer can recall ever moving for the woman to whom he has become engaged.

And with that, we at the BNU will rest our fingers until next season.  And god help us, if the next Bachelor is Sean, we will Take No Prisoners.

-KLo

Dolly Pemily Part Men Tell All

Babies, we despise the Tell All Episode, whether it be Men or Women doing the telling.  And were it not for running into our friend AHeNi in the grocery store parking lot minutes before the start, bottle of cheap wine in one fist and cheap sushi in the other, we are not entirely certain we would have Made It to the BNU headquarters without doing a U-turn and heading back home.  But she said "go, go!!" and so we did. 

Predictably, the beginning of this episode is a pre-taped interview with Dolly Pemily as we relive some of  the "characters" with whom she/we have been forced to put up.  Here is Hulk and his comments about not gaining weight after marriage, Colon with his helicopters and dramatic exit, Dong and his lack of kissuition.  We drain our first glass of wine and look bleakly out at the audience.  Or we would, if "GuessWhatANewCarDealershipJustOpenedandYouMustComeHereRight
Now!!!" stationary spot lights were not blinding us from behind Chris Harrison.  "Next year, they're going to have one of those blow up gumby things," mutters KMu.  We secretly think that would be *awesome.*

Our mind wanders and we force it back for some "Unseen Moments" that we are supposed to cherish.  Did you know, gentle readers, that Dolly Pemily dropped champagne on her If-I-was-a-princess-my-name-would-be-RosePetal-LadyFlower dress during her date with Joe VanDerBeek?  No?  We all breathe a sigh of relief when whe says that the stain dried and her relationship [with the dress] continued.  But soon, we are drinking again because she is singing "Twinkle Twinkle" to Travis' egg, in an Unseen Moment of them putting the egg to bed.  We are rapidly concluding that these are Unseen Moments Which Can Be Left Unseen, until we learn that Hot Wheels' teenage twin brothers spied on them kissing during DP's meet the family date.  "She's a beauty," said one. Ahaaaa, we love Hot Wheels' brothers.  And then this happens:
"I can do the running man," says DP.
STOP THE PRESSES.  This viewer LOVES a Running Man.  And in fact can make said Man run down the hallway, across the street, and all manner of Other Distances.  It is our only useful skill.  As Dolly Pemily promises to do the Running Man on After the Final Rose, we think things might be picking up.

And then:  No, no they are not.  For we must suffer through an extended Promotional for a show which we (All of Us) boycott:  Bachelor Pad.  And we do not care if this "fun filled, sexy" new season includes (a) Ed Swiderski, (b) Le Ca, (c) Ross from Friends, and (d) Hugh Hefner's girlfriends.  In addition, and for good measure, we do not care that CorpChris is shown to be hooking up with not one, but THREE women in this particular promo, and comparing acquiring a  new "girl" to "that new car smell."  We at the BNU always knew you to be a scumbag, CorpChris.

Finally, we are meeting the Men Who Are About to Tell All:  Some dude named Randy, Joe VanDerBeek, Charlie, Ducky, Latin, Travis without the Egg, Pretty Michael, Other Latin, some dude named Nate, Hulk, Data, Mr. Wood, Dong, Colon, CorpChris, Sean, and probably some others that we are seeing for the first time. 

"This is the worst show ever," says ABe. 

It really is.  Because now we  have to hear each of their experiences exiting the limo on the first night because "when there are 25 guys and one hot blonde, it's a recipe for" drama, jealousy, and crazy.  That's right, babies;  The "manclaws" come out.  And now we see flashbacks of Dong being upset, and of Data concluding (about Colon):  "I have a rule.  If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you are a dude, you're an asshole." But CorpChris, from the peanut gallery, is now declaring that he "cared about that girl so much.  I admit I was childish, but it's only because I wanted to take her home and show her my family, who I am."  And what better way to show your total devastation at getting the axe, then taking three new cars for a test drive, so to speak. 

Colon takes the "Hot Seat."  During this interview, we learn that he had determined that he did not want to be a stepfather but came on the show/chose to stay anyway because he felt it would be less gentlemanly to drop out than to repeatedly insult DP on national television.  Oh, and also, his comments about baggage and general asshatery were simply a reflection of his "humor" and the strains of the "environment."  Because, "unlike other people in America," he "doesn't sugarcoat."  He really is a vile, smallminded little coin purse of a man.

Next up:  Hulk.  Who is orange, babies, ORANGE.  And here we are, flashing back to his relationship, and the International Male tank top, and the comments about wanting to be the next bachelor.  As we watch DP cut him again, CorpChris heckles "see ya" from the stage.  Really, CorpChris??? Hulk is now talking about his "many worldly gifts" and how he "found his journal the other day, and recalled how excited he was to meet Emily.  But it never was about Emily for me.  It was about finding my wife." 
This viewer pretty much stopped listening after learning Hulk kept a journal.  Oh, if pens could talk.

But suddenly, CorpChris is heckling again:
Hulk: I am looking. . .
CorpChris:  I just want to say. . .
Hulk: What do you. .
CorpChris: I'm trying to
Hulk: What are you
CorpChris. . I'm trying to say
Hulk: Go ahead and talk then
CorpChris:  I just want to say that BEYONCE HAD THE BEST MUSIC VIDEO OF ALL TIME, PEOPLE.  ALL TIME.

Ok, that last part was KMu, but you get the picture. 

But we are not done with CorpChris, because now HE takes the ridiculous "Hot Seat."  We instantly drain glass No. 2.    We are so sick of CorpChris right now and his bad attitude and rude departure that we actually appreciate The Harrison for asking: "So. . . do you anger easily?" Which, of course, he does not because, babies, he is really not an Angry Man, but a Misunderstood One.  Everything he does, he does for a reason. 

Finally, Sean is in the Hot Seat.  We don't hear the first part of this interview as (a) ABe is excited to have finally identified the lone P.O.C. in the audience, and (b) closed captioning is saying "EZ.  EZ. WOWEEZZ." Which we do not feel at all, because we are being forced to watch Sean & DP's special moments and to hear how much he learned from her and how he is "now open to finding love.  Hopefully, it will come around sooner rather than later."  Babies, he wants to be the next Bachelor and is campaigning hard.  And if that happens, this viewer will stab her eyes out.

At last, Dolly Pemily takes the stage in a hot pink bandaid.  If this viewer wore that dress, we would look like a poison berry.  But DP can carry it off because she did not make the unwise choice to become a lawyer, and has therefore not turned into a Fat White Albino.

But you know, we really like DP anyway.  She is admitting to doing the "ugly cry" when she saw the episode with Sean, and laughing about awkward moments on the show, and then fileting Colon.  While this is All Manner of Awesome, we select only the following to report here:
DP, regarding the disclosure, by Dong, of the baggage comment: "I could be engaged to Colon right now, and thank God for Dong."
The Harrison:  "Do you really think that would have happened?"
DP:  "No."

For the Win. 

Finally, and after our ears have almost bled dry, we are treated to some bloopers which include the disclosure that Dolly Pemily "likes guys who are tattoed, maybe a little homeless looking."  So basically, DP is like this viewer in college, before we learned that Presence and Cleanliness are much better basic requirements.

Stay tuned for next week, when, in a special Sunday night finale, we must sit through three hours of tears and emotional drainage before learning whether Neil Lane will put a ring on it, once again.

-Til then, Babies.

KLo.

Dolly Pemily Part 9: Intimate Time

As we think about Dolly Pemily Part 9, we can only conclude: "meh." We begin with an overt plug for American Airlines, as The Dolly touches down in Curacao for the Week of Overnight Shame.  She soon wanders aimlessly in the sand with sundress trailing behind, woriting over the "three greatest guys" ("except Sean," whispers ABe) remaining, and whether or not they will be interested in her.  Seriously.  Suddenly, she is perched on the rocks, and recapping her relationships with all three.  Except we don't care anymore because we are wondering if she wants to be where the people are, and if she wants to, wants to see them dancing. 

After said Recaps (which we at the BNU abhor and thus do not report), we bear witness to one of the more ridiculous moments of beachwriting Heretofore Seen on the Bachelor.  Lo, for DP has written "Emily plus ?" in the sand  . . soon to simply say "Erm" as the waves wash it away.  We share a moment of silence in honor of Ephemeral Romance. 

Suddenly, Good God.  Sean has presented himself, waxed chest on display in a V-neck down to his navel and coral shorts.  KMu chokes.  We would choke too, if we were not so desperately bored already, and unable to summon the effort.  Surprise! They are going to explore Curacao via helicopter.  Sean says quite a lot of things during this trip, generally along the lines of "we are floating. Over Curacao.  Taking in a. beautiful sight.  What better way to do that than.  with a. beautiful woman." Sigh.  And then:  double surprise! They are going to a private island, Just For Them.

This viewer is having flashbacks to Season Wombat, and All Private Islands Associated Therewith.  Surely, surely The Dolly cannot think this is date a good idea, having already shared stilted conversation with a neanderthal on a private island previously.  But, apparently, she does.  And for the next 5 minutes, we bear witness to a conversation along the following lines:

Dolly Pemily:  "So, why did your family say you tend to treat girls you date like buddies?" [RUN, Dolly, RUN.]
Sean:  " I think I mainly did that with my one three year relationship.  Because I knew I didn't want to marry her.  She would bring up marriage all the time, and I would just deviate."
DP: "So, how do you feel about me?"
Sean:  "Let's go snorkeling."
All of this occurs in conjunction with a steady stream of television confessional from Sean: "I want. So desperately to.  Open up to her and tell her how I am feeling."

Soon we are at dinner, and she is saying that he is perfection, and he is saying no no, he's not perfect and oh, by the way, "no one I have ever dated has 'measured up' the way you have." That's because you are chasing the Wild Asparagus, f*ckwit. 
And then this happens: " I wrote Ricki a letter." 
Yeeesssss.  We at the BNU *love* a heartfelt note. 

Sean reads something along the lines of: "Dear Ricki.  I wrote this note before meeting you. . I will never try to replace your father.  But you will be a daughter to me. I hope to shower you with the unconditional love that my father has shown me by loving your mother" or something.  ABe and this viewer sit quietely on the sofa, taking it all in.  "He has 4th grade girl handwriting," she says finally.  And that about sums it up.

So the date ends with a Sean and the DP lounging on a candlelit beach, as he tries Every High School Way to Express Feelings Known to Man: He is "crazy about" her, babies.  He is "ready to take the next step."  Oh, and did he mention that he "doesn't see love any differently than proposing" (Dear Sean, one is a feeling, one is an action that results in 50% divorce). But Sean "can't stop thinking" about DP.  He "can't picture  himself without" her. And the Piece de Resistance: "never in a million years did I think I would have these feelings." 

Finally, FINALLY, Sean confesses that he has "fallen in love with" her.  Yet only his arm moves to awkwardly paw her thigh, as they kiss in the moonlight before heading to a hot tub.  Gentle readers, he "wants to open up to her and for her to open up to me and to have that Intimate Time"  We silently thank god for DP's morals, as she sends him home from the overnight suite without letting him stay the night. 

Here is our thing about Sean (All of Us):  He is trying to pretend to be the man he hasn't yet grown into. Cut Him Loose.

As we prepare for Round Two with Jef(f), PMu comes from the kitchen with a welcome sight: "Here's some wine for the winos," says he.  "Some girls have a book club.  Some have the Bachelor."  No truer words have ever been spoken. 

Thus fortified, we turn our attention back to the Twin Horrors that are the hair of Dolly Pemily and Jef(f).  We already know that Jef(f) cuts his hair with a Flowbee.  But in preparation for their date, gentle viewers, Dolly has chosen to french braid 1/3 of her head.  And while this is intended to be a Subtle Nod to Beauty, nothing quite works out that way when one is At the Beach.  In sum, homegirl looks like she's got her wig on backwards.

But this date is already thousands of miles advanced from that with Sean. As they prepare to board a private sailboat, Jef(f) notes that he wants to meet Ricki in order to determine whether they would work, as a family. For, he "feels like this is coming together like a crazy painting that I didn't understand at first.  I was just seeing the beginnings of it.  But as I've seen it develop and take a step back, it's a masterpiece."
Ahahaaaa.  Jef(f) better damn well hope he's not stepped into the land of cubism.

In the end, we hold These Truths To Be Self Evident about the Jef(f) - DP overnight date:
1.  We don't like DP's bikini bottoms, which look suspiciously like "Oops I Crapped My Pants" pants.
2.  DP's dress at dinner is going to give us a seizure, so heavy, beaded, and complicated it is.
3.  Jef(f).  FOR THE WIN. 
 For Jef(f) is actually asking DP questions.  Serious questions about where she would want them to live, why her prior relationships have not worked out, and whether she believes he would be a good father to Ricki, and WHY.  We are speechless.  This has never before happened on The Bachelor.  We rail against womens' general willingness to uproot for a man when The Dolly breathlessly says she would be happy to live wherever Jef(f) lives.  Nonetheless, we at the BNU have never seen a male contestant pay more than lipservice to these issues, and certainly never to follow up with a "why."

Damn Jef(f) and his hipster jeans for winning us over.

And when the overnight card comes, Jef(f) actually TURNS IT DOWN because both of their families are watching, and he knows she is wanting to be a role model to Ricki.  "I plan to spend every night with you, in our own fantasy suite," says he.  "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's time for us to bridle these passions." 
Sayeth KMu:  "I can't believe he just said 'bridle.'
But the DP wants to ride her some sidesaddle, as she convinces Jef(f) to go to a bedroom full of dead animal skins to "talk" at least for awhile, before shoving him out the door.  We look in vain for The Kitty, but alas, ABC apparently does not use Stock Pieces when it can decorate with the Real Thing.

Finally, we are on Date #3 with Hot Wheels, who has managed to make at least two driving analogies in the first five second of this date:  his heart is "racing," and he's excited to see "the finish line."  We don't really know what to say about this date.  Dolly Pemily has the hots for Hot Wheels, and spends almost all of the date kissing him.  Even she admits that when they are not talking, they are kissing.  Secretly, this viewer doesn't think that's such a bad way to go.

However, we do understand DP's desire to inject some Real Life into their date, and what better way to do that than taking a catamaran to swim with the dolphins!  The Dolly is terrified of said dolphins, and takes it as a good sign that Hot Wheels is so 'protective' of her because he is "not afraid of anything." 
"THEY ARE DOLPHINS," says KMu.  Still, this viewer can't but feel that DP has a point, as we are also afraid of All Animals Most Likely to Be Depicted in Tattoo Form.

At dinner, The Dolly struggles with whether or not there is more than just Crazy Chemistry between them. Thus, she asks him what a typical day is like, when he is not racing.  Gentle readers, he gets up at 9.  He might go to the shop before coming home from work approximately 6 p.m., and then he goes out for dinner almost every night with friends.   We immediately think "damn Europeans/why do they have to have such a healthy approach to life," while also thinking of our own new resolve to wake up at 4:50 a.m. in order to Stave Off the Ravages of Time through a sedate walk before work, which has thus far been  Wholly Unsuccessful in Staving Off Said Ravages. 

Dolly Pemily is so overcome with her attraction to Hot Wheels that she does not even offer Hot Wheels the fantasy suite card, at risk that it would lead to improprieties.   Thus, this date mercifully ends with a steamy kiss.

So, the remainder of this episode -- and we are talking full on 45 minutes, babies -- is about Dolly Pemily's angst in sending one suitor home.  We are at the rose ceremony, and DP is wearing boudoir fringe on a fish tail masquerading as a skirt, topped with a cotton tank top and candy necklace.  We actually feel bad for her, as Chris Harrison tries his best to make her cry:  "You know this is almost over. Like, we are HERE. There is no more rose ceremony after tonight. Hopefully, there will be a proposal coming out of this in a week." 

We are sad for DP, and trying to pay attention to her deliberation, and feeling like she is a truly classy lady.  Except we have a problem.  And that problem is the Vagina Chairs into which ABC has placed DP and The Harrison for this discussion.  We. Cannot. Look. Away.

Thank god that The Dolly finally gets up from said chair to watch Video Messages from the three remaining Knights:  Sean again saying that "never in a million years" did he expect to feel this way, and that he cannot see life without her.  Jef(f), proclaiming that when he was on the ferris wheel in London, he never wanted to come down.  And when he was on the floor in Dubrovnik (you know, with the puppets), he never wanted to come up.  Oh, how he wants to defend, protect, and make DP laugh, and to be a family with Ricki.  And finally Hot Wheels, who claims to have "known we would be in for a wild ride" when he "looked into her big brown eyes."

At last, she walks out to the rose ceremony.  And, as John Tesh plays in the background, she picks:
1.  Jef(f)
2.  Hot Wheels.

We are not surprised at this at all.  Sean, however, is.  And for the first time, we at the BNU believe he actually displays his real emotions, rather than the emotions he is trying to emulate, as he rides off in the limo: For lo, when DP walked out tonight, he thought to himself "that's my wife," and never anticipated that this would be coming.  We feel bad for him, but figure he will bounce back just fine as he concludes his exit interview with the generic "I want to love someone. . . "

Stay tuned for next week, and the dreaded "Men Tell All" Parade of Horribles.   We will be drinking heavily for that one, babies.

-KLo.

Dolly Pemily Part 8: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

We at the BNU *love* home town date week for a variety of reasons, chief among them that ABC spends so much time "looking back" at the relationships DP has had with her four remaining swains (you know, in case we forget their rich history together) that we can have a comfortable gossip with our fellow voting members.   So we passed the first 20 minutes or so of DP Season 8 not really paying attention, except to note the Truly Heinous Skull Shirt worn by DP, as she Little Ricky welcomes her back home from her adventures in Prague.

But now we are in Chicago with CorpChris! He is "in his element" in Chicago, gentle readers, and in his Members Only Windbreaker.  "Boo!" says DP as she "sneaks up" on CorpChris from behind to meet him.
Sayeth ABe: "Well, that was staged."
They spend the day wandering around Chicago, before ducking into a Completely Empty Bar to awkwardly drink beer and talk about what happened on their last date.  We suspect that CorpChris is doomed, as one should not, on one's fourth date with a Future Spouse, fill the empty space where conversation is supposed to be by recapping what happened on one's last date.  "Remember that time you danced for your life and I gave you that rose?  Yeah, yeah that was fun."

Turns out CorpChris is first generation Polish American, and everyone is biligual in their family.  Upon hearing this news, We Are Torn.  On the one hand, we are impressed with this unanticipated cultural depth of a man who can only otherwise be described as Captain Cardboard.  On the other hand, and having lived and dated in "The Region," we know that if Dolly Pemily marries this man, she will be Entering a Cloistered World of Sandwich Meats and Pickled Herring. 

Nonetheless, we try to keep an open mind as we meet Dad John, Mom Rose, and sisters Renee and Theresa.  ABe and This Viewer conclude that the Dad is Hot, in a strange way and despite the gold chain.  KMu is horrified: "What is wrong with you??? You can like Dad, but Dad is Not Hot."   But Dad has endeared us in his 1:1 time with The Dolly, noting that CorpChris calls or texts him every day to check in, and that he would do his level best to love and support DP.  Meanwhile, in 1:1 time between CorpChris and Mama, Rose tells him that The Dolly is his type, and to "kick ass." 

We favor the advice of another Mama Rose to a colleague upon the eve of his marriage:  "Separate bank accounts and separate bathrooms."  

So blah blah 1:1 time with Corp's sisters, which aptly may be summed up by the following:
KMu:  "Cut 'im loose, says sister Renee."
But CorpChris is in for the long haul, saying to DP as they kiss goodbye that she "makes him feel good.  Crazy good.". .. and that he Loves Her!  Somehow this segues into dancing with people dressed in Polish costumes on a backyard deck, as this particular date fades to black.

Our next stop is in Utah, for a date in which we are much more interested.   As with all hipsters who studiously mimic the "Poor But Still Fashionable Student" set while secretly having a roll of wadded bills in their bedroom, we are wholly unshocked to find that Jef(f) meets Dolly Pemily at the "Holmstead Ranch," his family's fancy and ginormous compound abutting a national preserve.  She is wearing what ABe can only describe as a CupCake Cup.  He is wearing jeans that are so skinny that they have ZIPPERS at the ankles.  We hate these jeans.  

Jef(f) trundles The Dolly into a Jurassic Park Mobile to explore the property, off-road style.  But not before he gives her a lovely kiss.  Lord help us all, we still like Jef(f).  We like him even more when he takes DP shooting, skeet and then targets. 

So, this Viewer has had exactly two shooting experiences.  Firstly, we tried All Manner of Guns and shot All Manner of Skeet at the FBI Steak Fry.  And here is Our Thing (All of Us):  The thought of Shooting All Manner of Target for the first time while being surrounded by Federal Agents Trained to Kill at an absurdly named cook-out still elicites a high pitched nervous giggle from this Viewer.  The second time this viewer shot a gun, it was appropriately in the backwoods of Ohio at empty soda bottles which had once Doubled As a Spitoon in their chequered past.

But The Dolly, bless her, is an excellent shot.  Like a true southern lady, she takes lessons at home. We secretly wonder if she also subscribes to "Garden & Gun," the next magazine which will Totally Be Coming To This Viewer's House after our subscription to Town & Country ends. 

Jef(f), as we predicted, is still having to climb out of the hole he dug for himself by announcing that he once dumped a woman solely because his family didn't like her.  This understandably makes DP nervous, as she is about to meet his brothers and sisters, Steve, Mike Melissa, and Julie, and a passel of their children.  Jef(f)'s parents are allegedly doing "charity work" *coughMormonEvangelismcough* in another state.  His youngest sister is on her obligatory mission trip oversees.   With the remaining family members, The Dolly hopes she will "do good today."  Dear Dolly, you do WELL, and you look GOOD. We wonder if  we could get hired by ABC as the Grammar Police.

None of the family 1:1 time is that exciting.  With the parents being gone, oldest brother Steve feels the need to assume that role.  He and DP talk about the importance of a life being built on solid principles, and the fact that staying in love means that you may not always like each other, but always love each other. And then Steve says this:  "Love is not an investment, it's an adventure."  We at the BNU are not entirely sure that these two things are mutually exclusive, but whatever.  In the end, Steve believes that DP and Jef(f) complement each other well, though we are a little concerned when, in subsequent 1:1 time, Steve carefully tells Jef(f) that he could see Jef(f) throwing himself into a family "if it were the RIGHT woman . . . . " but that he otherwise has never seen Jef(f) so inclined.

The women pounce on DP in their own 1:1 time.  We don't take much away from this except for the following facts:
(1) every one of them is wearing false eyelashes, and
(2) they suggest she should move to Utah. 
Welcome to the Borg, Dolly.

But then Jef(f) and DP are having their own 1:1 time, and he has written her possibly the sweetest letter ever, all about how he loves her and wants to do all of these things as a family with Ricky. And we don't even care if he Reads It To Her Instead of Allowing her to Read the Damn Thing Herself.  The Dolly is touched.  WE are touched.  As this date ends, they awkwardly makeout on an unzipped sleeping bag overlooking a quarry, because that is naturally What One Does when receiving such a lovely note, Verbally Recited or Otherwise.

At this point, we are losing track of how many men and dates we must go through to cross the finish line in DP Part 8. .. but we muscle through to date #3 in Scottsdale, AZ with Hot Wheels.  Everything we do, Babies, we do it All For You.

Naturally, DP meets Hot Wheels at the racetrack, where he is zooming around in an Indy car.  Dolly Pemily feels that he is "Stupid Hot," but We at the BNU agree with KMu's conclusion that Hot Wheels' hair annoys us more than Jef(f)'s. 

We hate the predictability of this segment, as Hot Wheels has Dolly "suit up," which really means a teeny tank top and unzipped racing suit, in order to drive with him around the track.  We still like DP, but at this point we are getting a little sick of her totally-devoid-of-all-emotion-delivery.:
"That was a lot of fun."
Sigh. And then: double Sigh, for Hot Wheels has taken the Dolly somewhere for her third picnic this week, where he narrowmindedly warns her that she might not get along with his parents because "you are all american, and my parents are European.  Your values might not be the same."  Dear Hot Wheels:  if you are seriously so ashamed/worried about bringing an american woman home because of what she represents/her education level/her values, why the hell are you doing it?

We don't see much on the rest of this date.  We meet Dad Arie, Mom Mika, twin brother s Luca and Alec, and sister Mida.  They rudely talk in Dutch to each other without translating to the Dolly for some time.  Mom is wearing a sequined bra under a bath towel, and takes the Dolly to a bedroom for 1:1 time.  "This is where the magic happens," whispers ABe. 

But even though we didn't think we would like this family much, in the end they all seem to warm up.  We even like Mom, and forgive her top.   As Hot Wheels and the Dolly kiss goodbye, Hot Wheels is thrilled that "Emily and I's relationship" is going strong.  RAGE.

Finally, we are at The Main Event:  Our date with Sean.  We had forgotten about Sean, but now we feel the Burning Rage as ABC forces us all to view him, in all his tight t-shirted glory, posing with his dogs (a/k/a his 'little girls') in a Field Redolent of Wild Flower, waiting for the DP.  And DP does not disappoint.  As she steps out of a car in wedge heels and a Scarf Cut Up to Her Chamber of Secrets, we hold our breath and pray for no wind.

After picking flowers and playing with Sean's Little Girls, Sean and DP settle down for a fireside chat about his dating history.  Gentle readers, Sean once dated a "girl" for three years, and she was the "sweetest thing." However, he found he "could not reciprocate."  That's right, babies.  And after this three-year long relationship of "non-reciprocation," he "made a promise to himself" that he would not "allow" a "girl" to "give herself to him" if he could "not reciprocate."  So, you know, the "next time that happens," (translation: the "giving of" himself), she will know that he will "love her for eternity."

So, what this Viewer is getting is the following:
1) After three years of "non-reciprocation" with his girlfriend, Sean felt pressure to consumate the deal, so to speak.
2) After said consummation, he fled.
3) Hence forth, Sean has explained his singleness by claiming to be in Search of a Rare and Perfect Love with a Mythical Woman while his real motivation is the fear having to "reciprocate" ever again.

In the words of our friend MBe, Sean is so far in the closet, he's in Narnia.

Dolly Pemily does not take the hint.  She blissfully concludes that he has no skeletons, and allows him to lead her away to meet Mom Sherry, Dad Jay, sister Shay, and brother Andrew, along with more children.  Most of the remaining family interaction on this date involves Sean "pranking" Dolly Pemily that he lives at home with his parents still.  As this is so annoying, We at the BNU enact a boycott.  

But we are compelled to report that in 1:1 time with Dad Jay, Sean explains that "what most attracted him" to DP is that she is a "sweet sweet woman."  He doesn't "normally give himself" to "girls,' but with Dolly Pemily, it's different.  Says Sean to Dad: "I've learned so much about myself on this journey.  Dad is overjoyed, and believes there to be magic in the air.  Yes, and when Sean conjures the White Queen out of the back of his bureau, don't say this Viewer Did Not Tell You so.  In the words of Sean's mother during their own 1:1 time, " You like her! I'm sort of surprised!"

At last, we are at the rose ceremony.  Dolly Pemily is lovely in royal blue, despite the "tennis bracelet" that ABe dislikes around her midsection.  As Chris Harrison recaps the weeks' dates, Dolly tearfully admits that she does not know what she is going to do this evening.   The betting book is going Fast and Furious at the BNU, with the majority agreeing that DP will axe either CorpChris or Sean.

She picks:
1) Hot Wheels
2) Jef(f), and . . ..
3) Sean!

Confirming the correctness of this decision, CorpChris does not take his exit in good grace.  He demands and explanation, indignantly states "I told you I loved you!" and demands "how much faster could it go?" when she explains that their relationship was not progressing as the others.  "I'm 10x the man those other dudes are" he declares sulkily as the limo drives him away.  We are bored.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to the Caribbean on Magical Overnight Dates!  Oooooo.

-KLo