Other Becca Part 5: Talking and Not Talking. Soup.

Well babies, here we are in Vegas, which is the “perfect place to roll the dice on love,” claims Other Becca.  We secretly think it is the Perfect Place to Get a Scabie, but whatever.  DC Mike is jazzed: “It’s my kind of city, my kind of scene.”  We hate him.

The first date card comes for Colton: “Let’s ride off into the sunset together.”   Colton summarizes what is happening, for those of us who don’t understand:  “I’m going on an 1:1 date!  In vegas!  Whoo!!”

We are so tired of Colton and his complete lack of snap. .  As he drives into a desert talking about “not having taken a lot of risks” in his relationships, we are treated to the following visual from ABC:

Don’t pollute, babies!

Other Becca meets Colton in overall shorts and a ridiculous little bandana tied uselessly around her neck.  When this author was in college behaving like a hippie, our sister ERo was attending a college at which 99% of the study body was Greek.  Upon visiting her one day, we discovered to our horror that she was wearing little scarves tied in a jaunty knot at her neck, so strong was her Prep.  WTF ERo.  We vowed never thereafter to wear a jaunty scarf and are now sad that Other Becca is somewhere in between committing to the Jaunty Scarf and not committing. 

Anyway, they are riding camels.   Who are basically feeling the way This Author feels about this date and mornings in general:

This has to be the most awkward of activities.  Each camel is being led by some dude, so this is like a 3:1 instead of a 1.1.  The camels refuse to be side by side, so they can’t hold hands (The Tragedy) or Talk (Worse Still).   Yet the conversation is nonetheless flowing:

Other Becca:  “Don’t camels spit when they feel threatened?”
Colton: “That’s so attractive.” 

Because of course they do, the camels take Other Becca and Colton to a hot tub in the middle of the desert.   Once again, a camel channels exactly how this Author would feel engaging in such activity in the middle of a hot hot day:

In any event, they kiss and she feels relaxed blah blah so C for Continue at dinner.  Colton reveals that he’s “so happy” she said they were “on the same page” during the hot tub makeout moment because his past relationship ended a year ago when he got dumped after saying he loved her.  Then he talks about the significance of saying the L word, so we all know he’s going to say it to her at some point in the future. Meh.  He gets the rose.  Double Meh.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has come for Garrett, The Cowboy, John, Connor, Kenny G, Lincoln, Jason, and DC Mike.  “I’m looking for Mr. Las Vegas,” reads the card.    Oooooo this means that Puddy and Chicken Man are going on a 2:1 date.  We are sick of them already:

Chix Man:  “walk us through how that must have felt to get the last rose in the ceremony last week.”
Puddy:  “It felt a few seconds behind you, who got the second to last rose.”  Ha ha.

 Off we go to a group date.  They head to a tacky gilded fence behind a fake pony, all of which looks exactly like the entrance to a cemetery for the rich and famous this Author once visited in Texas.  Which opens, revealing a massive estate with peacocks and horses and Other Becca in a tank top without a bra.  She introduces . . . .Wayne Newton, who comes thundering out from behind a hedgerow on a horse. 

We only wish it were white. 

The News wants to “show them around the cabin,” as he says.  Which includes a microphone used by Sinatra and other curios that would not make a cozy home. 

Jason:  “It’s Wayne Freakin Newton!”

We are not sure, as this does not appear to be found in nature:

Basically, Wayne tries to make some point about singing to the love of your life by singing a few lines of “Danke Schoen” to the men, then summoning his wife Kathleen out of the woodwork to sing a few bars to her.  And he reveals that therefore, the challenge on this date will be to WRITE LYRICS OF WHAT THESE MEN WOULD LIKE TO SING TO OTHER BECCA.   Who is feeling exactly as we feel this Very Moment:

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUTON.”

For the next however long, the men wander around Wayne Newton’s estate trying to figure out how to write their own lyrics to Danke Schoen.  Mainly, we need to talk to Wills about this;

It is a onesie.

That is a confident man.

The Newt is impressed by the men’s ability to use “other languages” and “rhyme.” So basically he tells them they are better than Cats. Which is fortunate, because they are all going to be singing their songs at one of his concerts in Las Vegas.   DC Mike becomes pumped because this is essentially like his own 1:1 date (see cats and trash cans, supra). 

Soon we are treated to the following (to the tune of Danke Schoen):

John:  “Becca dear.  Hoooney, Becca Dear. Thank you for lending me your ear. . . “
Garrett:  “Danke Schoen, Becca Danke Schoen.  Thank you for the roses, kisses, and champagne.”
Lincoln:  Sings something in his native language.
Connor: “I went just a little insane.  Bending the picture frame.  Danke Schoen.”
Wills: “Thank you for.  The spa day manicure.”
The Cowboy:  “Breaking glass.  With baseball bats.”
Kenny G. “Becca Jill. Darling Becca Jill. Oh the group date thrills.”
DC Mike:  “Muy bonita.  Baby.  Muy bonita. Thank you for, being a beautiful seniorita.  I recall when Ari dropped the ball.  You bounced back with grace, and I’m here to take his place.”

Other Becca:  ‘He was very sexy.  I was attracted to him.”  WHAT?

 Mercifully, we are off to the cocktail party that ends this date, at which we discover that Other Becca is wearing one of Miss Piggy’s gloves.  This does not throw Garrett, who has a laughing 1:1 time with Oher Becca.  We grow worried.

But the big story here is not Garrett, but the Cowboy.  Who takes Other Becca out on the street, tells her he is falling in love with her (with apparently real emotion), and kisses her in a manner that is only a little gross.  We start to root for the Cowboy a little.

Meanwhile, DC Mike is flaming out.  Basically, he has been so confident that he knocked it out of the park with his performance etc that he has not bothered to have any 1:1 time with her, or attempt to pursue it. But then Other Becca comes back with The Cowboy, thanks the men for coming on the date, and ends it after giving the Cowboy the rose.   At which point DC Mike blames her for his failure to lift the tiniest finger:

DC Mike:  “I am baffled and shocked.  I thought I would get the rose.”
DC Mike:  “I feel rejected.  There clearly is no interest there [on Other Becca’s part].”
DC Mike;  “you know, if you want something, you take time for it.  So by Other Becca not taking any time for me, this just shows I’m going home.”

Let’s just all sit with that last one a tick.

Wills, For All of Us:  “Well, that’s pretty drastic.  If you want to believe you are going to go home, then believe it. But I don’t have a rose on my chest either, and I don’t think that.” 

Finally, we are at the 2:1 with Puddy and Chicken man.  At this point, we are heavily sick of the back and forth between them, and so is Colton (who has had to play babysitter during the group date).  Colton tells them if they keep picking at each other, both of them are going home.   We hope so.

This Author becomes excited when we learn that they will be going to the Valley of Fire state park, which is on this Author’s bucket list. 

Puddy:  “Chicken man cannot handle my realness.  My ability to be open is unparalleled.”
Puddy:  “Other Becca looks so good in her daisy dukes and boots.  She looks like a snack.”

This only becomes more awkward when the three of them arrive at the park, at which the only seating is a bed, complete with canopy. 

Other Becca:  “I love the silence here. It’s so nice to just sit and take it in.”
Puddy: [taking in the silence].
Chicken man: “This is awesome.  It’s so nice to get away.  I’m so happy to be here. To be with you. Absorbing the silence.”

This Author would bludgeon him.

This date is just exactly as we all expect.  In 1:1 with Chicken Man, he spends the entire time talking about how Puddy is not there for the right reasons, Puddy supposedly told the other guys he was “settling” with Other Becca, and Puddy wants to hook up with “other girls” at the casino.  Other Becca becomes upset because this sounds like shades of Arie. 

Chicken Man is thrilled:  “I couldn’t feel better now!  I exposed him for who he is and now Other Becca can see who he is.”  Really??  Not only is Chicken Man a pot-stirring turd nugget, but his continued promotion of mansplaining his views as a legitimate mode of communication is enraging.   

Puddy goes ape.  In fairness to Puddy, he has basically neutralized every jab from Chicken man during this episode.  But what Chicken Man said was apparently not true, and Puddy is beside himself.   We also learn that he has Hidden Depths.  Lo, for he tells Other Becca that the reason he can be a loyal partner and love unconditionally is because he has watched his father care for his mother, who has multiple mental illnesses, his entire life. He says, “I come from NOTHING. there are times when I didn’t even have electricity.  I have unapologetically trying to be myself and the other guys just don’t like it.”

Puddy is terrible for Other Becca, but we feel bad for him.   He confronts Chicken Man, saying that “the idea that I would be settling with Becca is f-ing  nuts.”   And further, freaking out because, “You just said THE WORST thing you could say to a girl, the most hurtful thing.  And you are saying I said it? WTF. ”

Then Puddy goes a little off script: “Being me is my super power.  Being you is not.  That’s why god talks about ME.” Ok, that’s a little creepy.  But we get his rage.

Blah blah Other Becca calls Chicken man out (“did the word ‘settling’ actually come out of anyone’s mouth?”), Chicken Man back peddles, Other Becca says she feels like she’s in sixth grade, and she sends Chicken Man’s butt home.   HURRAH.

But Other Becca also reveals that she is not ready to give the rose to Puddy, who must now dance for his life over dinner. He blows it:

Puddy:  How do you spend your weekend?
Other Becca: “I go to church and brunch with my girlfriends, then hang out, read.”
Puddy: “Well, the gym is big deal.  Zoolander is EXTREMELY ACCURATE. It’s like the slightest differences can make a difference.  See, my left eyebrow is up.  Now my right eyebrow.  I can move every part of my face!  I wish I could get my portfolio out!” 
Other Beccca:  “Puddy is talking a lot about Puddy.”

So other Becca dumps him.  He is completely gracious about it.  And also, very Puddy:
“It doesn’t feel great going home.  I’m unique.  I’m smart.  I can walk.  I can speak.”

Meanwhile, fireworks go off in Vegas, and Other Becca stands awkwardly waiting for them to be over.

Back at the house, the other men are celebrating the elimination of Puddy and Chicken Man.  Kenny G is celebrating in his underpants:

At last we are at the rose ceremony/cocktail thingy.  Wills is back in our fashion favor with an awesome plaid suit.   Other Becca less so, as her dress looks fine close up but like a carpet far away. 

This is just exhausting.  DC Mike continues his spiral out of control during 1:1 time with Other Becca.  He tries to claim he didn’t really MEAN it when he said he wanted to go home, fails at explaining away why he didn’t attempt to come find Other Becca, and basically frustrates her with his Peter Panning.  She walks away rather than get more upset, and he freaks out further.

Other Guys, for All of Us: “Seriously, this guy is freaking out because he didn’t get time at a cocktail party? This is not a good scene.”

So DC Mike makes it worse by trying to go back and talk to her.  While she is having 1:1 time with Wills.  Who does not back down and we love him for it.

DC Mike:  “I really need to talk to you.”
Other Becca:  “we just sat down.”
DC Mike:  “Seriously.  It’s important.  Can I just talk to you?” (this goes on for three minutes).
Wills:  “So, I’m going to give you 2 minutes, and then I’m coming back, if that’s alright with you [to Other Becca.].”

TEAM WILLS.

DC Mike only succeeds at demonstrating that he is a hot mess during this bonus 1:1 time that Wills graciously gave him.   Wills comes back.  And yet DC Mike won’t leave.

Wills:  “Do me a favor: respect me. You’ve had your time with her. You’re now taking mine.” 

DC Mike:  “Please, can’t I get a few more minutes.” 
Wills: “I’m going to ask you, politely, to please get up.” 

And yet DC Mike still does not. Finally, FINALLY, Other Becca is like “DC Mike, I will come find you,” and that pries his butt off the sofa.

After Wills has and comes back from his 1:1 time, DC Mike then tries to pick a fight with Wills, who shuts him down LIKE A BOSS.

Wills: “I handled it the best way I could.  I am not attacking you.  I am not saying you disrespected me. I had only just sat down with Other Becca when you approached.”
DC Mike:  “It sounds like you guys are trying to get all defensive and now everyone is acting like a victim and” . . .  OMG. 
Wills, god love him, just gets up and walks away.  TEAM WILLS FOREVER. 

As promised, Other Becca grabs DC Mike for 1:1 time #3.  During which time he talks about the “old me” who “would have left” and the “new me” who “doesn’t want to.  We wonder when this sea change happened.  Other Becca is clearly unimpressed. But DC Mike is passionate that it will be her massive loss if she sends him home.   Garrett makes the comment that DC Mike is “spiraling out of control,” and we agree, even though we are deeply suspicious of Garrett still.

In any event, the rose ceremony finally happens.  Joining Colton and The Cowboy with roses are:

1. Garrett

 2. Jason YAY.

3. Wills.  YAYYAYAY.

4. Lincoln. 

5.  Kenny G.

6.  Connor.  Really?  Aaaand.

7.  DC Mike.  COME ON.

John goes home.  He cries and we feel bad for him.  

Stay tuned for next week, when DC Mike apparently says some terrible things and a bunch of men tell Other Becca that they love her.  In Richmond, Va.

- KLo

Other Becca Part 4: Return of the Kitty

Babies, we are in The Big City for work, and thus introduced our younger sister, ERo, to the Bachelorette last night.  Lo, for she has managed to avoid these 17 years.  Also, Other Becca feels like her journey to love is back on track.

We, however, feel stuck in a time warp because we are still at the same rose ceremony that began las week.  OB is having 1:1 time with the Cowboy, Blake.  Who tells her that he wants 3 to FIVE kids.  Run, Forest.  They feel that I is an amazing coincidence that they both like “boy’s” names for “girls.”  He asked her, out of the 3-5 kids, what she wants to name “the” girl and we laugh.  Also, the answer is “Stevie.”

Meanwhile, Puddy is continuing to be a gift to All and Sundry:
Puddy A:  “I talk to god every day, and people who go against me just end up hurt sometimes.” (re: Chicken Man).
Puddy B: “The thing is that I don’t need all the time in the world.  I could spend 5 minutes with Becca this evening and make the biggest impact I’ve made with her yet.”
Puddy C:  “I’m wearing a shirt without a tie, yet the collar is angled for a tie, but I’m not wearing a tie.  So it really shows Becca that I could go either way here.”

For God knows what reason, Other Becca gives Puddy some gold shorts from the local Rocky Horror store.
Puddy:  “I think Other Becca may have my groin on her mind, and maybe she thinks it’s worth gold.”

Suddenly, Chicken Man appears from the hospital.   He still has his little wrist band on under his suit, which is ridiculous.  Dear Chicken Man, you did not go to the state fair or a rave, nor are you Living Strong.  Take the damn thing off.   But he doesn’t.  Instead he proceeds to leverage his banged up face for sympathy points with Other Becca.  Puddy is unimpressed:

Puddy:  “I am one of the best looking guys in the house.  Some of the guys think I am the BEST looking guy in the house.   I mean, Chicken Man looks like a Picasso.  The clock’s over here, and the beach is over there.”

ERo:  “He was doing so well until he got the wrong artist.”

Other Becca ultimately gives Chicken Man a rose during 1:1 time so that he does not have to stand through the ceremony.  Puddy looks like Darla from This Author’s middle school right before she came into  This Author’s sixth grade classroom to fight SLampley, ripping the feathered earring out of SLampley’s ear and smattering blood across a group of wide eyed six graders:  

Finally, it is the rose ceremony that did not happen last week.  Puddy is “pretty confident in my ability to get a rose.  I beat out male models all the time for jobs.  And hey, if I can do that, I can beat these guys.”

Other Becca does a little speech, which includes some statement about “riding the wave,” and we don’t hear the rest because ERo has started laughing.  Joining Chicken Man and  DC Mike (who got a rose last week) to continue our “journey” will be:

1. Jason
2. Carlisle Cullen, who appears on screen for the first time this episode.

“WHAT” – ERo.
“HOLY JESUS.”  - KLo.

ERo: “Does he wax his chest?” [we pause to scrutinize] followed by, “Let me get you a Fat Tire.”

Carlisle:  “Going into the rose ceremony with a track suit on is a bit of a risk but you know, it’s time to lay it all on the line.” 

WHAT WHAT WHAT does a track suit put on the line that is not otherwise on the line, German exchange student circa 1995?

As this Author is now being comforted by An Adult Beverage, Other Becca continues:
Wills
3. Carlisle Cullen (Who says the “only thing that will make this track suit look better is a rose”).  OR A BONFIRE.
4. The Globe Trotter
5. Lincoln
6. he Cowboy.
7. Garrett
8. Kenny G
9. John
       Puddy:  “The guys she is picking are so different from me.”  And yet, somehow, this makes him confident that he will be picked.  So confident, in fact, that he will “not even look at the skillet” when making his scrambled eggs in the morning.
10. Conner

11. Puddy.   THE F --

12. Jean Blanc

WOW.  Manbun mike goes home, as does Ryan the banjo player who we loved and was our only hope.  While we knew he would get the axe because they never gave him air time, we are still sad.

Other Becca toasts and says that the rest of the episode will be spent in “America’s most exclusive wonder land:  Park City, Utah.”  And BAM just like that, here we are in Utah and she is telling us that some of the guys left standing “exude qualities” she wants in a partner.

First up?  A 1:1 date with Garrett.  She jumps onto him like a monkey and announces that they are going to do some shopping on this date.  So basically this date is This Author’s Version of Hell.

Blah blah they go to an Alpaca shop to try on hats, bear slippers, night shirts, and pretend like they have more energy than this Author ever had in a store at age 27.  Other Becca announces that she has “butterflies” around Garrett.  They drink some weird juice stuff at some other coffee shop, and other Becca tells Garrett that Park City reminds her of home.  He agrees that it reminds him of home as well and we are confused because we thought he was from Las Vegas.

Other Becca feels that Garrett makes her ‘heart warm’ and we start to worry. We also start to worry when she takes him on a ski lift to go bobsledding.  This Author would literally Ship Our Pants if we had to go bobsledding.  Like, there would be a skid mark all the way down that track.

In any event, we meet 2006 US Olympians Valerie and Shawna, who are also married and also have kids. This feels a little awkward on a show that basically fuels itself on gender norms and stereotypes, but perhaps next season will feature an LGBTQ scenario.  Love is love.

More interestingly:
Other Becca:  “What happens if we don’t obey your instructions.”
Shawna:  “Death.”
Shawna is now Our Favorite Person.

As Other Becca and Garrett take off down the track to the Russian variation from the Nutcracker.  We start having ballet flashbacks.

ERo:  “This is unnecessary Tchaikovsky”
Other Becca:  “Bobsledding is just like this journey!”
This Author:  [Takes a Drink]

But now Other Becca and Garrett are kissing on a mountain ON THE KITTY.

ERo:  “That’s one bedraggled lookin’ cat.”

Yet the date is STILL not over because we have to go to the “Big Moose” for dinner.  We learn that Other Becca feels “secure with” Garrett and can “trust him completely.”  And she says “you remind me of my dad.”  OMG.   Because he is “so into the outdoors and nature.” 

Author:  “55 more minutes of this show.”
ERo:  “But not 55 minutes of this guy, so it’s got to get better.”
Author:  “Better is a big word.”
ERo:  So the free fall off the cliff will continue.
Garrett: I was in love once.  I was 23 YEARS OLD.  We had adventures.  I got married.  And divorced.  I fell in love with the WRONG PERSON. 

Babies, when this author was 23, we were dating a drummer who lived in his parents’ basement.  Just . . . No.

So we get bits of this conversation, in which Other Becca concludes that it Garrett’s continued years long relationship with his (now) ex-wife despite alleged verbal abuse from her is a GOOD THING because it showed that he is “loyal and committed.”

ERo:  “What? Sweetie, NO.”                                                                                                                                          

He gets the rose, and the date ends with them kissing and dancing in front of a screaming crowd at a concert by some dude named Granger Smith who looks exactly like Manbun Mike with a hat on.
Garrett, formerly married man: “this is the FIRST TIME I’ve felt this kind of love between two people.”   

While all of this is happening, we learn that Lincoln thinks the world is flat.   For real.  Also, people sail around it without falling off because of “friction and gravity.”  When the men push him on this, Lincoln suggests that if anyone knows an astrophysicist who can give him a call, he would be happy to talk it over with them.

ERo (knitting):  ‘if this show makes me mess up my pattern where all I have to do is count to 3, I’m going to be really mad.”

Also, This Author, god help her, hangs out with a literal gaggle of astrophysicists and wonders which one ABC is going to trot out on their Men Tell All to explain science to Lincoln.

The next date card comes and it is for 1,000 people.  Ok, maybe just 13:  Puddy.  DC Mike, Blake, Carlisle Cullens, John, Lincoln, Kenny G, who built this city on Rock And Roll:

Also coming are Chicken Man, Connor, the Globe Trotter, Colton, and Jean Blanc.  

OOOOOO Wills is going on a 1:1 date.

But first, off we go to this enormous group.  Kenny G: “13 guys on one date?  We are all ready for WAR.”   We secretly hope so because it is a LUMBERJACK COMPETITION.

We (All of Us) LOVE a lumberjack competition, which we used to obsessively watch on television when we were younger. As did, apparently, Other Becca.  Midwestern Ladies, Unite.

Blah blah we see them practice splitting logs, some more successfully than others.    And then there is an axe throwing competition, in which Other Becca somehow hits the bulls eye.   We secretly love Jason, who makes a comment about all the “juiced up guys” in the house walking around all top-heavy and announces that he is “scared shitless” to do this competition.  And then it begins.

 Kenny G:  “I’ve been hoping for the men to be separated from the boys for a long time in this house, and now finally it may happen.”

Ero & This Author:  HAHAHHA

This competition goes by quickly because we were drinking A Fat Tire and not typing.  The Blue Team Wins.  At the cocktail party that follows, Other Becca is wearing a dress cut down to her navel.  We see her take 1:1 time with Jason, who tells Other Becca that he is nervous because he cares about her, and also, that she is stunning.  Jason, you are now our only hope.  

ERo:  “WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.”

“ERo:  “It’s like the where’s waldo of this show.”

But before we can dwell, we are off to 1:1 time with Colton.  Meh.  And then 1:1 time with Puddy, during which he takes off his pants to show the gold underpants, kisses her, and dances his way into the other room.  Colton, proving he is a dead bore, gets his own shorts in a twist and tries to “confront” Puddy about being there for the wrong reasons. They squabble and we are tired.

Then this weird thing happens with Jean Blanc.  First, he gives Other Becca a fragrance that he made especially for her, called “Becca Blanc,” and gives her a kiss.  But Other Becca, to the camera, is questioning whether Jean Blanc is doing this because he’s actually interested, or because he feels like it’s time to kiss her, etc.   So then Jean Blanc gets interrupted by Kenny G, but he comes back a few minutes later and gives her this big speech that he is falling in love with her.

What?

Other Becca, Rightfully: “This is very intense and a lot to take in, and I don’t know if I ‘m on the same page.  I don’t think it’s fair to keep you around if we are on different wave lengths, so let me walk you out.”
Jean Blanc:   “So, what about the gift?”
Other Becca: “Um, do you want it back?”
Jean Blanc:  “No.  I mean, when I told you all that stuff, it’s not exactly where I’m AT.  I thought it was just what you wanted to hear.”
Other Becca:  “Wait, so what you just said isn’t true?  You thought I just wanted to hear it?”
Him:  “Absolutely not.”
Her:  “This feels really off.”

Um, YEAH. 

So she kicks him to the curb, and comes back to tell the men that if anyone else wants to waste her time with insincerity, they should just go home now.  And also, she is not handing out a rose tonight.  Ooo.

Off we go to the final date, with Wills.  She feels teary and emotionally exhausted.  ERo opines that if Wills is smart, he will just let her enjoy whatever they do, and not press his suit too much.

 And basically that is exactly what Wills does and WE LOVE HIM.  Also, he is a graphic designer so maybe he could fix this show in ways that make ABe less crazy.

Other Becca and Wills snowmobile up a mountain.  He is all protective and kind, and he lets her talk.  He comments that some people just lose sight of why they are here, she tells him that he is a stand up guy, and all of a sudden we are at dinner.  We are mad at the Garrett date for taking up so much time on this episode that we don’t get to see much Wills.

But at dinner, we learn that he had his heart broken by his girlfriend of three years, who wanted a hall pass to sleep with anyone she wanted, and then who he discovered with another man at their anniversary place. Other Becca talks about Ari, and asks about Wills’ fears.  He says he has a fear of “not being enough,” and that it won’t be reciprocated.

HE GETS THE ROSE.  They kiss up against a fake stone wall.

And now it is Rose Ceremony Day #2 in this episode, except Other Becca does not want a cocktail party, so we are going straight to the ceremony. Thus, joining Wills and Garrett with roses are:

1. Kenny G
2. Colton
3.  The Cowboy
4. Jason
5. Conner
6. Lincoln
7. John
8. DC Mike
9. Chicken Man, aaaand
10. Puddy.

Puddy’s mind is “blown” because he was “last place” and he is “like a sponge.  And you can get everything out of me.  But not know how hard you tried to do it.”  What?

Globe Trotter and Carlisle Cullen Go Home.  We all knew it was time for the lawyer to leave. 

Next week:  VEGAS, BABIES.

-KLo

Other Becca Part 3: Clay Forever.

Babies, this is the Most. Boring. Episode.  Ever.  Basically ABC has no interest in Any Items except for the ongoing fight between Chicken Man, who doesn’t like Puddy, and Puddy, who likes picking out clothes more than anything else.  Also, it is apparently raining in LA, which no one knows what to do with because Rain Is A Foreign Substance.  Oh, and Colton is stressed about the whole Tia thing because . . . aew wjaipwh.  Sorry, this Author just fell asleep.

The first date card arrives when Dazed and Confused Mike is washing all of clothing and therefore cannot wear any:

“It’s time to relax,” says the card, and it is for Wills, Jason, Puddy, Chicken Man, Jean Blanc, and Colton.   But we will not be having any relaxation because Other Becca has opened the door of her suite and it is the women from Season Ari:  Our Heroine Young Bekah, Tia, Carolyn, Sienne, and Kendall.

They have a mimosa.  WE want a mimosa but we had emergency chocolate this evening so no mimosa for us.

Other Becca does a Big Reveal about Colton coming on this date and his relationship with Tia.  Tia’s face is a mask.  Young Bekah, gets straight to the point with Tia and should be in law school This Very Moment:  “So, he told you he was going on the show, correct? And then you ended it at that point?” The other women are less helpful:
Sienne: “Can you move past it?”
Other woman:  “Ooo, how do you FEEL?”

All of the women put on swimming suits and bathrobes at some place called The Spa, as Other Becca says, in the first of many identical voice overs, that she is feeling conflicted about Colton. Snore.

So here is the thing:  This date involves the men putting on Spa Staff outfits and then the entire group of men and women sitting together in a tiny room painting each other’s nails and the men giving foot, head, and shoulder massages.  While this happens:

Colton: “Shit shit shit shit shit it’s Tia.”
Tia: “Hi Colton.”
Jason: “Dude, you need to confront the elephant in the room in some private way, when appropriate.”
Other Becca to Jason:  “What’s your name again?”

Our only take-away here is that Jason, who is a 29 year old corporate banker, is behaving like an adult and we accept him despite his tragically slicked back hair.  

We had a friend in law school with fabulous curls, which suddenly started greasing back in our final semester, apparently because he was going to be a Grown Up in Chicago and that’s what Grown Ups in Chicago do.   It was terrible.  Don’t do that, men.  Let the curls roam free.

Meanwhile, Puddy is in Fine Form:
Puddy:  “I’m definitely going to stand out today.  I’m out here like a surgeon, doing my thing.”
Other Becca:  “You are in your element!”
Pudddy:  “I am always in my element.”  HAHAAHAHHA.

Other Becca whisks Tia off to talk.
Tia:  “The most we ever did was kiss.  And he told me he applied for this show within days of us meeting.”
OB:  “Do you think he was hoping it was you?” 
Tia: “Probab… I mean, possibly.”

OB to the camera (for the 400th time):  “Did he come here for me or Tia??”

But because this date will NEVER end, the Ari group leaves and the men continue on to their cocktail party with Other Becca, who is wearing a Taco Dress.

It is red, but we didn't have a crayon handy.

The men huddle up:   

 Jason:  “I think we kept it light, fun.  We should continue.”
Jean Blanc:  “We acted like men of integrity.  Let’s continue that trend.”

Chicken Man:

Jason, to all of our delight, expresses his happiness at the opportunity to know more about Other Becca as he sees her interact with her friends.   We put a toe in the Team Jason camp.  

Meanwhile, Jean Blanc tells Other Becca that her nails are beautiful, and then won’t let go of the hand he’s holding, suggesting instead some 1:1 time.  As he steals her away, Puddy strokes out.  Again.

Except Jean Blanc does not really make the most of his time.  Instead, he reveals that he PACKED HIS OWN egg beater head massage thingy with him because he “likes to be prepared.”  Let’s all sit with this a moment.  So Jean Blanc, who did not know he was going to be on a spa date prior to this season, packs a head massager because he is hoping for an appropriate time to use it with Other Becca.  We feel vaguely uncomfortable.

At any rate, Puddy is feeling good because he rubbed Other Becca’s feet. “It was awesome to feel her dissolve in her chair.  It was truly epic.” 

More interestingly, Other Becca confesses that she has a crush on Jason and is nervous around him.  “But it’s a good nervous.”  AAAAAND they kiss and it is not gross.  TEAM JASON. 

And then we go off the rails, because Colton asks about Puddy’s Tinder, and Puddy reveals he had 4,000 MATCHES in calendar year 2017 with a 100% success rate. 
Wills:  Wait, how many swipes a day is that?”
Puddy:  “I am not on it every day. I am very selective.”
Wills:  “My dude, you had to be on it a certain amount of time, b/c 4,000 MATCHES.” 

Then Chicken Man basically becomes the most irritating man alive, trying to goad Puddy into snapping.  He also takes his 1:1 time with Other Becca to complain about Puddy, which he calls “putting Other Becca’s mind in the right direction,” and we feel such a powerful rage at his patronizing ways that he is Dead To Us Forever.  Meanwhile:

Puddy: “That guy has an agenda.  And I don’t have to answer my competitor’s questions.  If I answer my competitor’s questions, then I am taking him seriously.”

Wills:

  

After Other Becca says, “Hey Puddy, 4,000 matches?  That’s a good streak!” Things get more boring/I mean worse:  

P

uddy to the Chicken:  “That was a bitch move.  You are a bitch.”
Puddy Again:   “If you think you’re sending me home, you’re not.  You are the skeleton of a man, David.”

Wills, who is now Our Best Friend:

Puddy to the camera: “Having a 100% match rate is desirable.  Women like something that is worth catching.”
Puddy to Becca:  “I know it’s hard with me being a model.  I am looking for someone that matches the intensity, the fun.  That’s wholesome. Not someone that’s pretty, but smart.  With a bright smile.  You have a bright smile.”
Becca: “How are you in a relationship?”
Puddy:  “I will literally do everything.  I cook. I clean. I’m a golden retriever.   So I am just like, loyal and dependable.  I can be a boyfriend and have a total girls’ day.  I’m always going to be in my element because THIS is my element, dating Becca.  You are the goal.”

Wills and Jason, For All Of US:

Then, after some more goading from The Chicken, Puddy finally snaps:  “I am a Wilhelmina Model. I have an image.  And if you’re trying to tear down my image and my 3 year contract with them, you are failing because guess what, attached to me is my PROFESSIONALITY.  It’s my FACE.  It’s the WAY I WALK, AND THE WAY I TALK.  My image is me.” 

Somehow in the midst of all this, Colton gets the Group Date Rose.  Let’s all agree this makes no sense. 

Next up, a 1:1 date card arrives.  Carlisle Cullen reads it:  “Let’s make your heart sing.”  Aaaaaand it is for Dazed and Confused Mike. 

We fell asleep during this date, which was document review level boring.  Other Becca takes DC Mike to Capitol Records, where they meet RICHARD MARX, who is twiddling on the piano. 

Richard Marx:  “Wherever you go, whatever you do.  . . .  I’ll be right here waiting for you (except This Author did not hear the last half because Other Becca sang it and all we heard were cats and trash cans).

Richard Marx again:  “I’m going to help you kids write your love song.”
Richard Marx the third: “You gotta be vulnerable, man.”

DC Mike:  “You mean this show is about opening up?” [serious look of panic]

At this point, we learn that DC Mike’s dad walked out on his family when he was a child and has refused to have a relationship with Mike and therefore, he is unable to open up.  We are mainly preoccupied with getting a photo of Other Becca’s boots, which are open toe and Very Confusing.   

We finally succeed in taking said photo when they give their rhymes to Richard Marx:

Just from a practical standpoint, how long would it take to get a stone out of said boots? We are fascinated.

Blah blah they read their Truth to each other:  “DC Mike, you brought out my smile on this rainy day, now I want to hear more of what you have to say.” “Other Becca, seeing who you were made me take a risk.  The first time out of the limo, different emotions in the mix.  Something Something breaking down walls, her in the end,” etc and we are done.

This date proceeds to dinner, which is equally, mind-numbingly boring, followed by poor poor Richard Marx singing his greatest hits while the couple dance and kiss on a Movie Theater Carpet:

DC Mike gets the rose.  Meh.

Meanwhile, date card #3 has come for:  Clay, Kenny G, The Globe Trotter, Our Beloved Ryan (who we still see nothing of), John, Derek (who?), Manbun Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake.  “We can tackle anything together.” 

Clay, calmly:  “II think we may be up to some football.”
Other men:  “Fuuuuuuuuuuu*k.  Clay plays pro ball.”

Ok, but before we get to this, we learn that Chicken Man fell out of the top bunk of a bunk bed and landed on his face.  This caused such serious injuries that he was in intensive care at the hospital, blood was everywhere, and Blake (who found Chicken Man) was genuinely traumatized.  Of course, Chris Harrison tries to mislead Other Becca about this:

CH: “One of your guys is in intensive care.”
CH”  “He got hurt.”
CH:  “He has a busted nose, busted face.”
Other Becca:  “WHO DID THAT TO HIM?”
CH: [dramatic pause]:  “He fell out of bed.”

So they call Chicken Man together at the hospital, and Chicken Man says that he’s just “so used to sleeping on a king sized bed” that he rolled and fell.  Somehow, Chicken Man has just managed to reiterate that he is a D-bag even in the midst of serious injury.

In any event, off we go to the football date, where a couple of women from the “Legends Football League,” are there to put the men through their drills. 

“ARE YOU READY?!?” Screams one.
“No.” Says the Globe Trotter and we love him forever.

Also, we may not survive this date because this is happening:
Kenny J:  “Manbun mike looks like a lovely blonde woman.  I caught myself checking him out.”

But then everything changes because we fall in love with Clay.  He goes through the drills like one would expect a pro athlete to do:  spectacularly.  But he’s not really making a big deal of it.  Then, the guys divide up into teams and play against each other.  Clay is sort of gently letting the other guys be a mess of things, until his team is down by 14 points.  And then decides screw it, I’m going to be a pro now. And he single handedly ties the game.

But on the last tackle he hurts himself.  STILL CALMLY, he says to the medic:  “I broke my wrist.”  This is legitimately terrible because he is a grown up with a real profession and people that depend on him.  We feel sick for Clay.

 As Clay goes to the hospital for x-rays, Other Becca takes the men to an antique shop and she is wearing a smoking jacket with nothing else on and what is happening.  Garrett wastes no time manufacturing a reason to pick her up and get a big handful of backside.  We hate him.

Meanwhile, Blake struggles with feelings of jealousy, but we don’t care because Clay has shown up.  TEAM CLAY.  He smiles gently and says, “I got hurt playing football on the bachelorette.  That’s pretty funny!”

In 1:1 time with Other Becca, Clay basically has the same conversation This Author has with our husband every time we hurt ourselves:

Husband: “Are you in pain?”
Author:  “It’s a little uncomfortable” [hand falls off].
Husband:  “SERIOUSLY?”

Clay and Other Becca kiss under a blanket, it is NOT GROSS, and he GETS THE ROSE!  YAYAY.

Finally, it is the rose ceremony. By now, full disclosure, this Author is not paying any attention.  We hear Jason say he smiles so much with Other Becca that his face hurts, and someone makes her run bases, and then we snap to attention because Clay is advising us all that his wrist is more serious than anticipated, and that he basically must have an operation to fix it right now.

Clay:  “I love football, but it is also a way to make a good living to provide for the people I love.  At the same time, let’s say I have 3 more years at this job, and then I retire, and I still have no love in my life.  Do I just pass up this opportunity? I’ve been looking for this woman my whole life.”

Tears.

Clay again: “I know that the right thing to do is to leave.  Being an adult is about making tough decisions, and living with them.” 

And he gives back his rose and walks away.   Other Becca and All of Us cry because we have misunderstood Clay and he a class act and this is terrible.

But then, da da DUM, the show ends without a resolution of the rose ceremony. 

Oooo. 

-KLo