McConaughey Part 9: McConaughey And the Temple Of Doom

McConaughey Part 9 finds us in Bali on overnight dates as “Asian music plays” in our closed captioning.  Oh! McConaughey needs to know about “intimacy” on these overnight dates.  What better place to do it than Denpasar?

KZi, who we have dragged half way across the world (literally) to watch the Bachelor, injects a bit of realism into our Monday night: “I’ve been there.  It is super touristy.”
But McConaughey loves it: “They are so friendly and welcoming!”
KZi:  “Again, that is because all of their income comes from tourism.”

So Date #1 is with Misty.  She is forced to wear a sarong over her extremely short salmon shorts of rage and another sarong covering her shoulders as they enter into a temple.  Suddenly, temple women are teaching them to balance baskets on their heads, and they are doing some kind of lotus flower prayer.  We conclude that this HAS to be staged because when this Viewer has visited temples in Various Foreign Lands, no one gave two shits about teaching us how to wear a basket or pray with flowers.

Misty is awed as they “really went into a spiritual moment,” but she is concerned about her relationship with McConaughey because SHE thinks HE thinks that she has her guard up.   This Viewer begins to eat her feelings with an entire sleeve of girl scout cookies. For Misty, walking around the streets of Bali is “Like, the most natural thing.”

KZi:  “It’s a whole entire island, dipshit.”

Rounding out our day trip to Bali, Misty and McConaughey visit some kind of monkey farm, where the monkeys will climb up a person and eat a banana off their head.  Ok, Shit Just Got Real.  KZi does not like monkeys ever since she saw a tsunami of them jump over a wall and swarm a police station in Another Country before moving away like a sea of fire ants.  Drawing from our completely parallel life experience, this Viewer does not like monkeys particularly since The Hunger Games.  And so now we both think that the monkeys are going to EAT THEM ALIVE AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE.

But they don’t.  Instead, a monkey pees all over McConaughey and then he (McConaughey, not the monkey) escorts Misty to dinner.   She is wearing a Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Sarong and a Bra Top.  We hate this outfit. 

We actually like Misty, and we feel a little bad for her as they talk about how each other feels, and also, about how she is allegedly holding back her feelings and has her guard up because of a “past relationship.”
“No,” says KZi, “It’s because there are 2 other ladies.”

Then Misty says she is at her best when she is vulnerable, forever marking her distinction from this Viewer.  When This Viewer feels vulnerable, we sleep a lot and then bite everyone around us like an old cat.   But whatever, blah blah Misty gets the fantasy suite card from McConaughey, who is “EXTREMELY excited for this night not to end,” and suddenly Misty is full of confidence and not shaking anymore.

“Oh! Everything is where it is supposed to be!” declares Misty.
“That’s because you’re 23.  Wait until you’re 40” says KZi.
“Yes, then everything will be 10 inches lower.” Concludes this Viewer.

This date ends with a cop out, as Misty declares that she is “falling in love with you.”
Everyone at the BNU agrees that this is not the same as “I.Love.You.”
McConaughey, of course, likes that she said she is falling in love.  Meh.

Off we go to Date #2 with the Crow.  Full disclosure:   The BNU staff had extreme difficulty paying attention during this date, where McConaughey was “looking deeply” into their relationship and not sure if he could see himself with her, and we were looking deeply into our wine glass and the girl scout cookie box. 

Blah blah McConaughey and the Crow meet in the harbor, where they climb onto a boat to sail the Indian Ocean.  This Viewer loves a boat, except we now get such vertigo on them that we cling to walls and also, the floor, for 2 months after any manner of boat trip.  We become depressed by our disability, which gets us through listening to the Crow chirp cheerfully about love, and All The Feelings, and how she could see this as their life together.   

Then this happens, which causes us to stop listening to the Crow forever and ever amen:  “My dad left when I was six months old, and then my mom was forced to work full time.”

We at the BNU firmly believe that everyone should have the life that they want.  But at the same time, no one ever says about a man, “Oh, his wife left/died and he was forced to work full time.”  We bare our teeth at The Crow and the pile of assumptions built into her statement.   

Oblivious to our growl, the Crow feels reassured and “confident that I am going to marry McConaughey.”  They celebrate by jumping into the ocean off the side of the boat, and then going to dinner, at which she wears a horrible lime green towel dress with strings on top and a leg slit on the bottom.

McConaughey thinks it’s absolutely crazy that The Crow would think of giving up the career she has built for herself in Chicago and moving to Arlington.   The Crow, for her part, talks about the hardship of being apart from McConaughey.

“It just gets harder and harder,” says The Crow.
“That’s what she said,” whispers KMu.
“I think the one thing that is a disadvantage is that I haven’t seen it yet,” says The Crow.
“Its… it’s small,” says McConaughey.

Cackles erupt from the BNU Peanut Gallery.

McConaughey continues to question The Crow about Arlington.  Lo, for he spends “a lot of time by myself.”  To which The Crow responds that would she want to look on a map and say “I want to be here with 400 other people?  Probably not.  But I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mom, and I am not fully happy in my career.” She then says that if she moves to Arlington, she would just have babies and that would be her career.  

But what if it doesn’t happen that way, Crow?   Life does not always work the way you plan. 

We feel bad for her, as McConaughey gives her the overnight card.

Last up is Hemingway for Date #3.  She emerges from the Forest “Like Dolly Pemily on an elephant,” concludes KMu.  As she walks across a bridge towards McConaughey, she is consumed with worry because “I am a virgin and this is going to come up.” Yes, in so many ways.

So this is the date where they tour the local rice paddies, pretend to play with children in the street so that she can see what a good father McConaughey will make, and then visit a village medium.  Good Grief.

As they sit across from the medium, McConaughey solemnly asks, “Are we meant to be together?”
An interpreter tells him: “You are a ‘very good couple.’”
“THE MEDIUM JUST USED AIR QUOTES.” Declares KMu. 

McConaughey then asks the medium what Hemingway’s “biggest weakness” is, to which he responds that Hemingway is “hard to control.”  We have no words.   As the medium advises them to “make love facing west” this evening, Hemingway laughs nervously. 

So off we go to dinner, and Hemingway is wearing two skirts as a dress. 

We don’t know what is going on here. It is like a lampshade.  There is a lot of ruching going on… in a circle.  We at the BNU want to know where one even finds a dress like that, a question which inexorably leads us back to the only viable conclusion:  That it is, again, two skirts.

Blah blah, they talk about Hemingway’s visit to Arlington:
“I got out of the car and was thinking, this is Real Small….” Says Hemingway. 
Then, when the fantasy suite card comes, Hemingway finally has The Virginity Talk with McConaughey.
“This is a big day for us.  A big day.  A big deal.” He says.
“Trust me, it’s big,” says KMu.
“She is at a distinct disadvantage,” observes KZi.

Hemingway tells him that she thinks she is falling in love, and we sigh again that another bachelorette is hedging her bets.  But we think McConaughey is really taken with her, so she’ll probably make it to the next round.   As this date fades into the fantasy suite, we gear ourselves up for the rose ceremony.

And suddenly, the rose ceremony day is upon us.  We see Hemingway walking along the beach in a “hugely improved” dress, observes KZi. 
“That’s because it’s actually a dress,” says KMu.

But McConaughey is troubled.  He doesn’t know what to do, and he starts to cry about the prospect of these three women meeting his family (whom we love).  He also has deep anxiety about sending a woman home that he is in love with.  Thank God for Chris Harrison, who has a completely pointless 1:1 interview with McConaughey, in which he offers no advice but concludes that McConaughey is heading in the right direction.  For McConaughey’s part, he could see himself marrying “all three of them.”

“in the next episode of Sister Wives…” says KMu.

Now we are at the rose ceremony proper, and everyone is wearing traditional Balinese attire, which makes McConaughey look like he just got his orange belt in karate.  Chris Harrison lectures him about how they are on “hallowed ground” and have various rules governing the rose ceremony this evening because of it, and we are slightly offended that a film crew is coming in to Said Ground if that is true. 

The women stand nervously.  Misty is ready to move forward with McConaughey.  The Crow is confident that the relationship will lead towards marriage.  And Hemingway is just “emotionally drained” from some conversation they apparently had the morning of their overnight date.

McConaughey suddenly stops the rose ceremony and pulls Hemingway aside.  We don’t know exactly what happens here but essentially, Hemingway clears the air from their prior secret conversation, and tells him that she believes her feelings are genuine, and not merely because of the show, which she would merely credit with introducing them to each other.  And this is Our Thing (All of Us):  We think Hemingway is sincere, and being reasonably thoughtful and cautious about the whole process, in stark contrast to The Crow, who has decided that McConaughey fits her fairytale.   

As they are talking, the Crow and Misty are hopeful that McConaughey is saying goodbye.   But NO!  They come back holding hands, and Hemingway resumes her position in the lineup. 

And he picks:

1.  The Crow
2.  Hemingway.

We feel terrible for Misty, who we really like.  She is shocked, and graceful about leaving, and heartbroken, and cries in the limo about it being the most humiliating moment of her life.  It probably isn’t, which we hope she sees down the road. 

Stay tuned for next week, when The Women Tell All.

We are almost to the end, babies!

KLo.

McConaughey Part 8: Soldier Boy

We are back in Iowa for McConaughey Part 8, and a John Tesh version of Highway to Heaven is playing in the background.  Just like that, we jump into a 1:1 date with Hemingway, who is wearing one of those horrible peplum shirts that everyone will cringe about 10 years from now.  

McConaughey begins the date by “taking her back to his place,” a/k/a ginormous loft, where they talk on the sofa and his hand is so far up her thigh we cannot look away.

Hemingway freaks McConaughey out a little when she explains that she was not in love with her prior, four year on-and-off boyfriend and has in fact, never been with anyone.  We think that’s perfectly fine.  We also appreciate that she tells him if he proposed right now, she probably wouldn’t say yes at this very moment in the process, but that things are going in the right direction.  Go, Hemingway!  We are A Fan until McConaughey takes her up to the roof to makeout as the sun sets. 

There was a period of this Viewer’s life where a variety of her married friends received air brushed tropical island love scene t-shirts from the “T Shirt Man” at the mall upon the joyous occasion of their union.  McConaughey and Hemingway’s attempt at a recreation of this iconic scene, does not float our island parasol.

Speaking of airbrushing, Jade has had some kind of accident back at the hotel:

We do not know what is going on here, with the tiny tiny legs.  She may have sat on a little leaguer.  

In any event, Jade, the Crow and Carly are talking about Britt’s meltdown of the prior night when Britt walks in and announces that she has packed her things.  Gentle readers, she is tearful when she recounts how she opened her heart to him and was all prepared for him to meet her family, except then he didn’t give her the group date rose and her whole world shattered. 

Carly, for All Of Us, says: “It seems really petty that not getting a single rose would change your feelings.”

But no, Britt is going home.  And nothing will change her feelings on that.  Although she will let McConaughey explain himself.  Which might change things.  But really, no, it probably won’t. But she’s open to reconsidering.  

Dear Britta Filters, we need brinksmanship neither in our government nor our Bachelor.  Love, KLo.

 Later in the evening, we have a summary of where each woman is in this process.  The Crow, in a pale pink skort creation displaying her Purity, is ready for McConaughey to meet her family.  Jade, on the other hand, says “I am worried because I have yet to tell him about my nude modeling.”   

Meanwhile, Britt, dressed like a red cupcake wearing a bolo tie, is planning a Big Moment In Which She May Say Goodbye.  This is not going to go well for any of them.

But apparently, least of all for Britt.  Chris Harrison announces that there will be no cocktail party, and Britt begins deep breathing.  McConaughey begins his “I am about to hand out roses” speech and she interrupts, pulling him aside for yet another private talk.  Misty calls it like a pro, saying that Britt either wants validation that she should still be here, or the first word on her way out.  The Crow snaps, noting that Britt keeps acting like she is the only one feeling vulnerable, but they all are and none of the rest of them are acting like twits about it.  Preach, Crow.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?!?

In any event, Britt adopts her worldy, gentle, I-went-back-to-school-to-study-poetry-and-date-a-yogi persona, and we get very tired.  But we can count on the Farm Boy to cut through it.  As Britta Filters begins with her whole “is there something you want to tell me?” (instead of, you know, saying she wants to leave), she is suddenly faced with the Farm Boy instead of the Six Fingered Man.  He says he doesn’t want the way she acted in his life, and as she starts to brink it up again about how maybe she SHOULD leave, he essentially says “As You Wish” and walks her out.  

And soon, she is doing the ugly cry in her little valentine’s day dress on the curb outside the rose ceremony.  As she sobs about being a victim, we can only say that Life is Pain, Highness.  Anyone who says differently, is selling something.

 We are temporarily relieved, until McConaughey begins giving out roses.  Joining Misty in the first championship round is:
1. The Crow
2.  Hemingway
3.  Jade.

Noooooooo.  CARLY GOES HOME.  We are sad for her, as she slides back into fatalism:  “I always end up in the exact same place.”  Sigh. 

Just like that, we head to Shreveport, LA to see Hemingway on her home town date.  She does the whole monkey clip hug thingy as they meet in a park, and we are unimpressed.  Lo, for she is wearing an entire red shower curtain as a top, hanging by the rod across her shoulders.  In a non-sequitor, she says “this is going to be interesting, because me being a virgin, my family has never seen me like this!” which apparently is meant to mean excited about a relationship.  Which really has nothing to do with the state of her downtown, but whatever.

Anyway, after a walk and quick canoe ride (“sha la la la la kiss de girl,” whispers KMu via text), we go home to meet the family:  Dad Chris, Mom Nancy, older sister Katie and her husband Jacob.

KMu and ABe still cannot get over the shirt:
“I mean, her outfit looks like pirate meets flamenco meets a curtain…,” says KMu.
“Meets Puffy Shirt,” interjects ABe.
“Never have I been more grateful for spaghetti straps,” concludes KMu.

So the family basically does what we in the Midwest call The Cock Block.
Wow, we’ve never seen Hemingway bring a guy home, and it’s so weird!!” says sister Katie. “It was a complete surprise when you had your hand on her knee.  She would have ripped it off before. She’s just not an intimate person.  She’s NEVER been.” Mother Nancy continues, “Hemingway’s never had a serious relationship before….”

And then THIS happens in 1:1 time between Hemingway and Katie:
“What happens when you go to the fantasy suite?   Even if you do decide to ‘order room service,’ are you going to say, “look, let’s have a good night, but this sugar donut is going to be the excitement for the evening?”

Which only has the effect of This Viewer both wanting a sugar donut, and also, feeling disturbed for her desire for the same.

McConaughey says he is “enlightened” by this visit, but not put off.   The date ends with him whisking Hemingway away to a closed state fair to ride the ferris wheel.   While This Is How People Die, we think it’s sweet that Hemingway says (to the camera) that she is hesitant to call it love because she’s never said that before, but if it IS love, it would be traced back to this moment.

Next up is Chicago with The Crow.  OOooo, it is The Big City.  We note that the Crow is wearing a complicated coat and also, little booties.  We hate the little booties but cannot disparage the Coat.  Lo, for This Viewer made a tactical error and forgot to Masquerade As A Big City Lawyer when we came to The Big City a few days ago.  Consequently, we may or may not now be seen wearing an ear flap hat with tassles, complementing a white pashmina and purple puffy coat which May Or May Not Match one or both of the following: (1) our glasses, and (2) our hair, as we scuttle to and from work like the biggest tragedy that ever came from Big Law.  

This date makes us nervous.  The Crow has decided to show McConaughey her world, instead of just Chicago, as his sisters live in the town already and he is familiar with it.   So she says:

“Let’s go make a baby!”

Dead. Silence.  And then we all sort of recover as The Crow actually takes McConaughey to work and makes him change into scrubs.  Blah blah, he and The Crow talk about how “hot” the other is in their scrubs, because that is apparently what they think instead of “bless it, expandable pants!!!” like this Viewer.

The Crow takes McConaughey into the “room where all the magic happens,” (ABe nearly chokes on her wine, across the interwebs), and encourages him to “put his male specimen in the cup.”  The only, ONLY thing that could be more awkward about this moment is if he were to open one of the many adult magazines laying around, and see a picture of Jade.

McConaughey is “pretty confident my soldiers are marching,” and we are just glad it all appears to be a joke.  THIS TIME.

Off we go to meet The Crow’s sister Kimberly, brother in law Matt, Uncle Johnny, and Grandma.  We love love love Uncle Johnny, who tells McConaughey that The Crow is just like one of his kids, because she’s the age of my son.”  They bond over how The Crow is “vulnerable, yet strong.” 

But soon, Kimberly is ready to Cut A Bitch.  In private time with The Crow, she says “look, I know this is perfect to you and all, but could you really, REALLY live there in that small town?” And then also, to McConaughey, “I’ll give you my blessing to marry my sister when she’s the only one standing, and not one of four.”   The Crow is rattled, and we feel bad for her, except grateful for her sister at the same time.  It is always the siblings that pull one back into reality when one begins dating the man with the ferret in his bathroom, or the one who just can’t decide between you and the secret girlfriend back at home.

After this somewhat awkward dinner, The Crow makes a grand announcement.  In private time with McConaughey, she tells him that she bought some wine years ago thinking that she would share it with the person she was going to marry.  And now she wants to share it with him, because she is sure that this is true.  His response? “Boy that feels great to hear The Crow say she loves me.” 

Oh Dear.  The Crow better save some of that wine back.

Soon we are at Date #3, which begins in a back alley beside a pile of trash.  Misty walks out from behind a dumpster to tell him, “Yo, you took me to Costco, so I’m like ‘dumpsters and a back alley for you!’”  Ha ha, we love her a little bit.

Misty takes McConaughey to a recording studio, where we see a POC and cannot contain our excitement.  Except that they then write a rap, and he is legitimately terrible:

“I’m going down the rapids. 
My heart is beatin’ fast.
I hope I don’t fall out.
So I can make love last.”

His comment that he is a farmer, not a rapper, is like the world’s biggest understatement. 

But Misty is nice about it, and takes him home to an environment in his comfort zone:  A table with a giant FIRE IN THE MIDDLE. 
“You can roast wieners at that table,” says SHa, beside me.
SHa and I decide to crack one open and celebrate with Misty’s family:

So here we are with Misty’s parents and their respective new spouses, as well as her sister Haley.  We don’t see much of this dinner, except that in 1:1 time between Misty and her Mom, the Mom is so lovely and loving towards her daughter.  We heart parents everywhere.  Except crisis:  Misty’s mom is worried that Misty will be “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” like it did in Misty’s past relationship, and she doesn’t want her to get hurt.

We also don’t want anyone getting hurt, which is a distinct possibility when Misty ends their date by taking McConaughey to an abandoned dark alley in the warehouse district…. To see an electronic billboard that says “Misty hearts Chris.”  We are pretty sure this is a stripper billboard, but ok, A for effort.

Our last stop is Gering, Nebraska, with Jade.  Jade is nervous because, in case we missed it, she did some NUDE MODELING and HAS NOT TOLD CHRIS. 

“This is entirely new information!” says This Viewer.
“Wait, Jake is a Pilot?” says ABe, in a salute to seasons past.

So we meet Jade’s dad, his fiancé, her two brothers, and her mom.  And you know what, we love this family too.  Dad wins big points as he tells McConaughey that Jade lives from her heart, “and there is nothing wrong with that. But for a lot of her boyfriends, that’s hard for them.”  And he tells Jade  so fiercely that she deserves the best, and that she should never feel bad to be who she is, and also, that she should be with someone who loves her as she is.

This Viewer is going to wear her purple coat-pashmina-earmuff hat combo with pride, today, Babies.  We Are Who We Are, With All Our Disabilities.

But back to the date.  Oh oh oh, Gentle Readers, this is so awkward.  Jade finally tells him that she has posed for Play Boy, and asks him if he wants to SEE THE PHOTOS.  And so, for a very long and awkward moment, we watch them watching Jade.  McConaughey is like, “I did not know where to look, or what to say.”   But then he says the right thing – that this does not make him feel differently about her, and that she should not feel bad about doing this.  She is a beautiful woman, etc, and he is looking to fall in love with the woman, not with her past.  We do not know if this is true, but it is nice.

For the win, he concludes, “I was waiting for Jade to come out of her shell, and then I saw her, … completely out of her shell…”

As this date ends and we fade into the Rose Ceremony, THE PRESSES STOP.   Babies, the final rose ceremony is in Dubuque, IA.  Where we have been for Work Items repeatedly, including but not limited to While Blogging This Show.  And also, we have EATEN AT THE RESTAURANT WHERE THE CEREMONY IS TAKING PLACE.  TWICE.  And it was DELICIOUS.  

This Viewer’s worlds have just collided, and we are having difficulty forming words.  As we sit, speechless, McConaughey picks:

1. The Crow, with the worst horsey hair in history
2. Misty
3. Hemingway

Jade goes home, which we secretly think is because she is wearing a dress that has exactly one lacy full length sleeve.   But he tells her instead that she was a “gift” in his life, and that relationships with other women were progressing faster.   Well done, McConaughey. 

As Jade cries in the limo, we fast forward to next week, when we all go to Bali for the fantasy suite dates.  

We are looking forward to sleeping between now and then. 

-KLo 

McConaughey Part 7: Where Heels And Prairie Meet

Gentle readers, this Viewer was in SHa’s kitchen, rummaging around for cheeses when PHa, the only winged member of SHa’s family, dive-bombed us screaming “I’M A MOTHER F*ING BIRD!!”  This Viewer nearly dropped her cheeses, and also a deuce, on the linoleum floor.  And so it began:  the THREE HOUR Bachelor Part 7.   

First up is 1:1 with Kelsey, wearing a Turkish towel as a sundress.  She is shocked to have been so “controversial” and, after a pregnant pause, insists that she did not believe she was smarter than the other girls.  But oh, the panic attack!  It was only because she was so “flooded” with “all the emotions,” babies.  We do not know if she is going to come to the Women Tell All, as she is afraid it will be a “crucifixion.”  

SHa, our extremely reluctant viewing partner, interrupts:   “Now she’s making herself a Christ figure?   I don’t know if I can make it through this… I feel like I’m already crawling in the desert.”

But next up in the interviews is McConaughey, going on about all the women that he has either eliminated or with whom he has had various Moments.  Which would be all of them.  Blah blah, we walk through Crazy Eyes, Kei$ha and Jordan’s drunkenness, and the only diversity on this season past episode 3, a/k/a the black bar across the backside of Britney, Bitch.  We begin to drink ourselves. 

 But wait, we are not done with the pre-show, because now we have a moment with The Prosecutrix, talking about “what went wrong” with Everyman.  Which is that neither felt loved and supported by the other, and now there is so much hurt that they cannot talk.  Sigh.  “KLo, this is the prettiest cry I have ever seen,” says SHa.  We marvel that the snot gently glistens, instead of swinging low and wide like on this Viewer when she has The Ugly Cry, usually under her desk.

Now the actual episode begins:  McConaughey is getting ready in his 50 shades of grey tie as the women scream during a carriage ride through town towards the rose ceremony.  Oh dear, McConaughey is having a hard time because the next stop is Iowa, and Will He Be Worthy of the womens’ love once they see his Humble Abode?  We don’t know, as the only interesting bit of the rose ceremony is when No Child Left Behind says she doesn’t feel like their relationship is advancing, and takes herself out.  We are surprised by her sudden display of grace, and raise our glass to her.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison has come in to say “one more of you…. Will be going home tonight.” Suddenly the remaining ladies begin freaking out, including but not limited to Carly, who “is going to puke.  Or maybe cry.”  Which is exactly how this Viewer felt upon learning that this episode was three hours long.  But McConaughey saves the day when he says he has reconsidered axing another woman this evening, and so the six remaining contestants are now ALL going to “a place that is very near and dear to me.  Some might call it ‘God’s Country.’”
SHa.  “Ah, his fertile tracts of land.” 
          “To Plow his Field.”
         “To hoe them potatoes.”
“YES! YES! YES!” says Carly.

Off we go to Iowa.  Where Carly is amazed that it contains The Nature: “Wow, I did not expect Iowa to be so pretty.  There are like, trees.  And they are, like, changing colors!”  We love her, but Judas.

So the first date card comes for Jade:  “Join me in my hometown.”  Ooooo.  Jade skips out of the hotel in her little anklet boots, and we wonder how this is going to go.   But soon we see a country road, and then a dirt road, and then corn everywhere, and then this Viewer becomes jealous of Jade because we legit love the Iowa. 

Although Jade is also from a small town, she is surprised by how seriously small Arlington is, and also, that the few businesses that speckle the downtown, are now all closed.  This is only marginally better than our own hometown, in which most of the downtown had closed and then reopened as a church before we got a Hacienda, a movie theater, and the yuppies moved in with their stone wheat bread, bicycle carriages, and earth-sustainable craft beers.  We are therefore unmoved, and choose to focus on the fact that McConaughey named his cows Jessica and Bennett, which we call that a “win.”

McConaughey takes Jade to a high school football game, where the entire town is currently located, and we catch a glimpse of his mother.  STOP THE PRESSES.  We love McConaughey’s mother, who is glorious in her ball cap and good common sense, swinging a cow bell over her head in support of the home team. We remember her from Season Prosecutrix, and wish she would get her own show.

At any rate, high school football was of course a passion of Our Hero, which we learn as McConaughey swings Jade against the lockers outside his old English class for a smooch.
“Clearly, they need more places to make out in this town.” Says SHa.

Blah blah, they kiss in the middle of the football field and she tells him not to be ashamed of his town, for All Of Us.

Meanwhile, a date card has come for The Crow:  “Let’s look for love in Des Moines.” We hope that this is a visual, instead of oral, exercise.  Our hopes rise still further when we learn that the first part of the date will be visiting an art gallery, where they presumably do not have to talk.  Except DAMMIT, she goes skreetchity when McConaughey announces that they are going to go “document their life” together by taking photos around town.  In which they kiss in Every. Single. One.  

So McConaughey takes The Crow to a bar, presumably to drown her out, and we discover two things: (1) she has killed the state puff marshmallow man and strung his bones around her neck, and (2) McConaughey likes “a lot of things about” her, including that she “speaks with her heart.”

“In the most f*ing annoying voice ever,” says KMu, over the interwebs.

But then a strange thing happens.   After we get through some incredibly awkward questioning by three of McConaughey’s friends who just “happen” to be at the bar, we learn that The Crow lost her mother when she was about 19 years old to a routine medical procedure that went wrong, and that she never knew her dad, and so she has no family whatsoever. Which is why she is looking for someone with a strong family life to marry.  And, in a demonstration that she’s actually come to terms with it all, she says this without losing her shit, in a very matter of fact way. 

In spite of ourselves, our grinchy, grinchy heart grows two sizes for The Crow until this happens:

McConaughey: I can’t wait for her to see what I still have in store for her today.”
SHa:  “That didn’t come out right.”

And then we see a mural on the wall which looks NOTHING like them but which causes The Crow to reach a pitch that is only heard by dogs and also, little babies:   “SHUT UP!  NO WAY!  ARE YOU SERIOUS!  AH’M GONNA CRY!!” AH STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THEY PAINTED US! ON THE WALL!”

This naturally causes her to fall in love in the moment.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Jade is telling the other women about her date, and Britt spontaneously breaks into tears because she is so overcome with the emotion of whatever Jade is describing.  Carly says, for all of us:  “Britt thinks this is the Bachelorette, and she wants to be #1.” 

Except she says it like this:

When all the women all express disappointment that Jade is the only one to see Arlington, Carly hatches a scheme to go on a road trip.  Britt initially balks because she thinks Chris would want to be the one to unveil that treasure for the first time to the women, but then reverses course when Carly tells her she can just stay home then.  Carly, FOR THE WIN. 

Soon, they are all driving to Arlington in a giant black SUV and “wooooo”ing out the window. 
“Someone needs to like, flash their boobs or something.  This was a missed opportunity,” says SHa.

Eventually, the women find a Methodist church, which deeply moves Carly because there is a picture of Jesus inside, which is the same picture of Jesus on the wall of her grandparents’ house.  We suspect that this is the same Jesus which this Viewer also received circa 1982 on a little flashcard from her own church:  White male, nose of a roman god, flowing brown hair, soulful expression off to stage right in his long-lashed, endlessly hazel eyes.  In other words, the same picture which caused many a Midwestern, Protestant teenage girl to fall in love with the first long-haired Birkenstock wearing college boy with which they crossed paths because he Just Seemed Like Home.  Talk about Daddy issues, babies.

In any event, Carly is predictably moved: Now that she has seen Jesus, she knows she can raise her children here.   As we drive out of town, we see confirmation of this simple truth in a roadside sign:  “Arlington, Where Heels and Prairie Meet.” 

We have no words, so rapidly are the unprintable jokes springing to mind.

In short order, Date Card #3 comes, for Britt, Carly, and Misty:  “I Ce Our Future Together” it says.  Someone figures out that this means skating. But trouble is brewing because while Britt acts like she is thrilled to be going on this date, she revealed An Ugly Truth while visiting Arlington:  That she could never, ever, ever, ever get back together with that place.  However, she earned the mistrust of the remaining women forever when she then told them all, while back at the hotel, that she had some kind of spiritual experience while looking at the sunset on the way out of dodge. 

Carly expresses herself via handpuppet: “Tomorrow, Britt is going down and Carly will RIIIIIIISE.”

But we are all soon distracted because another fact has come out into the open, for which we are very grateful, on many levels, that Carly does not act out via puppet.  To wit, Jade reveals to Carly that she once did some nude modeling for Playboy, which was a pretty bad decision that harmfully impacted her family.  And we feel bad for Jade in that moment, and angry at the permanency in the media’s exploitation of women who make stupid mistakes without fully realizing their consequences.  As 

Carly says, for all of us, “It’s one thing to be a guy and be like, ‘cool, yeah, and another to be like ‘hey mom, don’t google my wife.’”

We feel tired, and ready for the group date to be over.   Britt, who seems to have increased the amount of makeup on her face in homage to Fran Kardashian, is anxious about her interactions with McConaughey.  She wisely chooses to wear a midriff bearing top to the ice rink, where everyone falls a great deal and pretends to have fun with each other shooting goals with hockey sticks.

In short order, Britt finds time to steal McConaughey away to express how “rough” the week was for her because she felt special to get a rose before, but now is uncertain.  Oh, and she saw fairies, rainbows, and a life together when they visited his hometown.  When Carly spends her own 1:1 time telling McConaughey what ‘really happened’ with Britt when she visited Arlington the prior day, he is shattered. 

As soon as the group goes back to a bar for the end of their date, Britt steals McConaughey for some 1:1.   We are distracted by the fact that she is wearing leggings as pants, together with exactly one half of a long-sleeved aerobics leotard with the shoulders cut out.   Already dressed to dance for her life, Britt insists that she is excited to bring McConaughey back to meet her family, where they eat off each other’s paper plates.

McConaughey fishes:  “So, what was your first impression of Arlington?”
Britt: “Well, I like to reinvent myself, and I’ve been SO MANY THINGS in my life, and so Iowa seems like a good thing to try.”
This Viewer cringes.
McConaughey tries again:  “Um, was there ever a moment when you were like, ‘no way!’” ?
Britt says no, and we are a little heartbroken for McConaughey but also relieved.

At the end of this date, McConaughey gives Misty the rose after an amazing moment of talking past each other, as Misty keeps telling him that she needs more time with him, and he keeps telling her that all she needs to know is how he feels.  Rage.  In any event, we like Misty more and more, but the fact that McConaughey gives her the rose, sends Britt into a rage.

Britt licks her lips, rolls her eyes, and does the “oh no you didn’t” head shake.  We become a little nervous for McConaughey, who is trying to stumble through an explanation to everyone as to why he gave Misty the rose, when Britt interrupts.  “Kaitlyn, I love you.  And I get why you got the rose. But I ENVISION MYSELF AS YOUR WIFE AND WILL NOT COME IN SECOND.”  Ok, this Viewer is editorializing a little, but Britt does manage to throw a tantrum for not getting the group date rose, and it is exhausting.

Misty tells Britt that her comments made Misty feel awful, and Carly is just happy that McConaughey could see Britt’s implosion.  As Britt cries about being “perceived” as selfish, we learn that we must wait until tomorrow to learn who gets kicked off the island.

So stay tuned, Gentle Readers.  

We will be back on Tuesday with the continuation of this trauma.

KLo

McConaughey Part 6: Save the Horse, Full Stop.

We rip the bandaid off McConaughey Part 6 with a Carmenere and sugar cookies.  We at the BNU need every.single.cookie. to get through Kelsey’s fake panic attack that ABC began slow-playing last week.  Here she is again, Babies, laying delicately on the floor and begging for McConaughey so that she can then miraculously recover enough to issue a scolding to him for disclosing the fact of their private conversation to the other women last week.   Meanwhile, the other women sit in stony silence except for Jade, who concludes that she “can’t hear any more of this” and picks her way delicately over Kelsey’s body on her way out.

Kelsey eventually returns to the main room, draped in The Kitty.   Oh, her “emotional burden, and all the feelings!” caused her to faint. We cry bullshittery, but are more interested in the fact that now all of the women are sitting underneath the Kitty, which has expanded its infested reach across the sofa.

The Crow holds back:  “I don’t see him giving Kelsey a rose just for this.”
ABe: “You need to learn to underestimate the men on this show.”

As Kelsey declares that she is THE WOMAN with whom Our Hero will end, the Rose Ceremony begins.  Joining Carly, The Crow, and Britt with roses from last week, six more women live to fight another day:

1. Jade

2. Misty (Fran Kardashian begins working her way up to a sob)

3.  No child Left Behind (Fran Kardashian now in full sob mode)

4. Hemingway

5. Frank Kardashian (dammit)

6. Kelsey

The Alleged Samantha and 1994 go home, with no exit interviews whatsoever.

The next morning, McConaughey is shirtless and shaving. ABe acknowledges that objectively speaking, he is Not Terrible To Look At.    Our Sugar Cookie Salute, however, quickly turns to screams when McConaughey reveals that the next stop is Deadwood, South Dakota, where he is shown taking a series of Old Timey Photos including but not limited to naked in a wash tub.

Blah blah Britt interrogates Kelsey about her relationship with McConaughey (“so now that you’ve told him about your story, you can move past it, right….?) and Kelsey declares To We The Viewing Audience that she deserves the next individual date.

So of course when the date card arrives, it is for Hemingway:  “Let’s Give Love a shot.” 

Kelsey is furious because if she is going to “commit herself more” she “needs reassurance” apparently beyond the two lengthy private conversations of the day before.  This Viewer is so tired of Kelsey that we just want to say “blah blah Kelsey blah” as a representation of all of her thoughts and feelings in McConaughey Part 6.

At any rate, this date with Hemingway is fairly normal, aside from the fact that it begins with McConaughey walking through amber waves of grain towards horses, which he and Hemingway then ride in “like, a really romantic setting,” to another field, where they picnic.  We actually like Hemingway, and appreciate that she does not act as though she just saved babies from Ebola when describing the significance of her past, apparently one-sided (her side) relationship.  They discover that they both are from large families and want large families, and also, that Hemingway is relatively normal.  They also laugh, and it is not awkward.  Hemingway gets the rose and her first kiss.  We at the BNU decide to throw our support behind Hemingway for at least one more episode.

Back at the ranch, trouble is brewing.  Carly has been vocal about her dislike of Kelsey, but the Crow decides to be more open about it.   Except that as she is talking, The Crow appears to be missing an appendage, as well as her vocal cords and possibly, her soul.

She looks like she has no arm,” says ABe.” “Oh wait, that was in a prior season.”
Oh no she didn’t.

 The Crow is frustrated with Kelsey because she said she better get a rose for her fainting fit.  Blah blah Kelsey Blah laughs nervously  and then explains that she hadn’t given herself time to “emotionally process it all” and that McConaughey’s “gesture” of walking off from the rose ceremony last week “made me feel very unsafe.”

To this little speech, The Crow gives Resting Bitch Face:

But Carly picks up with The Crow left off, explaining to Kelsey that they sometimes see a person that is “not very nice.”  Oh Carly, this Viewer once went to a sixth grade slumber party in which all of the girls decided to say what they really thought about the others. It did not turn out well.  And neither will this.

Kelsey is En Fuego to the camera:  “I get it.  I am blessed with eloquence [peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, bitches].  I am articulate and I use a lot of big words [like ‘discern,’ and ‘self-reflection,’ yo].  That’s because I am smart [like a FOX ladies].   And I didn’t go through all of this, the death of a spouse [the famous Sanderson Poe, ladies.  SANDERSON. POE.], loss in numerous, numerous ways [including but not limited to my job teaching children], to be ganged up on by girls in the house…”

But to Carly she says “I will be mindful, [bitch].”

Thank God a date card comes to cut the awkward.  It is for … The Crow, Jade, Britt, Misty, Carly, and No Child Left Behind (to whom the group must explain slowly that the card means she is going on a date).  Fran Kardashian and Kelsey are excited, because this means they have the 2:1 date, and both of them are convinced that the other is Going Down.

The date card reads: “Let’s make sweet sweet music.”

When this Viewer lived in Michigan, our roommate AFa kept chickens in a bunny hutch behind our trailer.  These were not Urban Chickens, babies.  These chickens were Of The Country, and also, one egg short of a dozen.  AFa also had this old, old car with the bumper chained on, which is the kind of car one has in their 20s.  It was the kind of car that would kill you with the Poison Gases if you sat in the back seat.  In any event, when it came time to butcher the Chickens, AFa put each one in a pillowcase and put them in the backseat of that car for transport.  And she drove six pooping, squalking, pillow-cased birds to meet their maker because She Is A Badass.  She was likely listening to country music at the time, because that is what we did in The Michigan.

We know that this date is Going To Be Those Chickens, and we fortify ourselves with some wine.

 So sure enough, the women must write their own country songs with the help of Big & Rich.  Yes, save a horse, ride a cowboy, babies, because the Shit Show is about to begin.

The Crow is “falling over dead” because she loves the Big & Rich.  But Jade is having a crisis because she doesn’t like performing by herself.  The person we think is “Big” makes her run outside while telling her to “speak your song.”  We sort of love him for that, and confess that Big & Rich are much more entertaining than Britt, who has plastered herself to McConaughey and is making the rest of the women feel completely uninspired to write a love song.  Says Misty, for All of Us:  “Chris’s connection with Britt is So, So Awkward.”

When the songs begin, we gasp at the accompaniment:

“One banjo to rule them all,” whispers KMu.

The songs are terrible:

McConaughey:  “It’s up here in the prairie.  That I’m trying to find a woman to marry.”
ABe: “Please don’t sing any more.”
Brit:  “I can hear that sweet sweet music. Playing in my ear whenever you’re around.”
This Viewer:  “That was not bad.”
KMu: “Except what is she wearing?  A tube top, converse sneakers, and are those jeans ripped at the thighs, or shorts with socks?”
The Crow:  “Let’s have some fun, no whining.  That’s what my date card said.”
At least this viewer thinks that is what she sang, because all we heard was a chicken in a pillowcase.

Blah blah, Misty raps about whiskey, and Carly sings a reasonably decent song because she is a cruise ship singer so of course she did.  Finally, Jade sings about gambles on love, and it is pretty terrible but we give her an A for effort.

After a series of 1:1 times that are basically a non-event, McConaughey begins his first of many Dick Moves on McConaughey Part 6 by pulling Britt aside for 1:1 time and then taking her to a Big & Rich concert while the rest of the women are left to wonder where they are for over an hour.   We at the BNU hiss in McConaughey’s direction as he then compounds his errors by giving Britt the group date rose while on stage.   Hissing turns to spitting as Big & Rich sing “save a horse, ride a FARM BOY.”  

And then McConaughey brings Britt back to the group date and the following happens: “Um, obviously you can see that I gave Britt a rose….. well I’m going to let you girls have the rest of the evening to yourselves… bye….” AND THEN HE FLEES THE SCENE.

This is too much even for Misty, who is royally pissed that they all sat around forever while Britt essentially had a 1:1 date.  She walks off crying, as the Crow rightfully expresses her annoyance that Britt gets to go do this thing that she doesn’t even care about, when there are many other women on that date, including herself, that would have been over the moon to see a Big & Rich concert. 

This date ends awkwardly, as we brace ourselves for the 2:1 date.  “Two girls, one rose.  One stays, one goes” says the Card, as it does ever season.  We barely listen, because we are distracted by the fact that Fran Kardashian is wearing a fake golden laurels headband and a cruise-ship towel animal as a shirt.  We wonder if it is meant to be a swan.

As Kelsey and Fran Kardashian get ready, KMu says for all of us: “I call this chapter mutually assured destruction.”

When this Viewer was a very young child, we were part of a mensch gymnastic duo with our sister, SHa.  I was Angel, she was Goldie, and together we sang “[KLo:] I’m angel!” [SHa:] “And I’m goldie! [Together:] Oh, I am a bouncing baby, a bouncing, a bong, Oh, I am a bouncing baby, a bouncing a booooong, oh a boooooong” while performing many varied and athletic gymnastic feats that usually ended up with someone getting injured.   

We suspect that we are now about to see Angel & Goldie played out on the Big Screen, and whisper “Papa can you hear me?”  But even Yentl cannot save us as it begins:

We all take an awkward helicopter ride to the badlands, to sit on a weird bed in the middle of a desert.  Fran Kardashian is again, so contoured that she looks like she has sideburns.  And also, she is wearing half of a leotard on this date.  Soon, she drags McConaughey away for some 1:1 time, which she spends criticizing Kelsey: “Oh, we all get along in the house awesomely.  There is zero drama.  Except for Kelsey, who is super strategic…”  Followed by awkward and forced kisses between Frannie and McConaughey.

Next up:  Kelsey.  As Fran Kardashian crows to the camera that “I’m real and she’s fake!  I’m a virgin but I’m sexy, and she is not” we grow tired.  But Kelsey is faring no better, as she lectures McConaughey about how she’s prepared to be a wife because she’s been one, so he has to decide if she’s the kind of wife he wants.

Rounding on Dick Move #500 for this episode, McConaughey tells Kelsey point blank that Fran Kardashian says she was fake.   Ok, truthfully, this Viewer is  not sure if this is A Dick Move or just awesome cluelessness paying itself forward for the BNU’s viewing pleasure.

 Kelsey bristles.  She tells McConaughey that she doesn’t want him to let go of the “potential between us because of girl talk” and then goes back to the bed-in-the-desert to stare Fran Kardashian down for like, 15 minutes.  She finally yells at Fran Kardashian, who then explodes:“You think I’m stupid just because I don’t use big words?  You and I both have our masters. And mine is from a GOOD place.” 

KMu:  “It’s not necessarily accredited, but it’s pretty good.”

Fran Kardashian then ruins whatever potentially good point she could have made by exploding in a fountain of tears and then dragging McConaughey off to talk.  Meanwhile, Kelsey is declaring her a “Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date” and this Viewer is traumatized because Kelsey is thinking of Fran Kardashian Just As This Viewer and that is Not Ok. 

Blah blah Fran Kardashian sobs to McConaughey “HOW COULD YOU TELL HER” and then McConaughey continues to put his foot in his mouth by reciting that Kelsey just thought it was a difference in maturity.  Fran Kardashian proceeds to cry even harder as McConaughey gives her a perfunctory pat on the back and looks bored.  And then he dumps her. 

Back at the house, a staff person removes Fran Kardashian’s luggage and the other women are devastated. “I didn’t see that coming,” says No Child Left Behind.  Really?   And also, of course you didn’t, sweetheart.

But then, THEN, McConaughey turns to Kelsey and also dumps HER.  McConaughey, FOR THE WIN.  Kelsey then says, one more time for the road, that her story is “tragic, and inspiring, and I am immeasurably blessed.”

As this episode draws to a close, McConaughey is seen abandoning the two women in the desert, crying in their separate corners of the sky, while he flies off in a helicopter. When the staff person again comes back to remove Kelsey’s luggage, the women scream with joy and high five.  

“Chris is soooo smart!” says someone.
“Let’s get drunk!!” says Misty.
And, as Carly pours six glasses of champagne at once, one brilliant woman says FOR THE WIN:
“We are all immeasurably blessed.”

Stay tuned for next week, when ABC forces us to watch two, TWO episodes back to back (Sunday, and Monday) because Happy Valentine’s Day.

KLo.

McConaughey Part 5: And in Conclusion, My Back Is Strong

McConaughey Part 5 begins with a trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico.  No Child Left Behind is extremely excited:  She wonders if New Mexicans wear sombreros.  She also hears New Mexico is like a beach.  She has never been out of the country before, gentle readers. 

Fran Kardashian, on the other hand, is still stuck in her virgin diaries.  She concludes that she needs to “recover from the whole virgin thing” as soon as possible this week.  ABe and This Viewer immediately start screaming.  We are ready for Fran Kardashian to exit.

Date card #1 arrives, and it is for Carly:  “Let’s come together, love Chris.”  While Carly is excited, we at the BNU are extremely confused by her sweater.  “I don’t think it’s pink enough,” says ABe.” “. . . wait, it’s not a sweater.  It’ s a pink dickey with armholes.”

But suddenly she is meeting McConaughey at an abandoned house in Santa Fe, and then our world Literally Stops.  Lo, for there is a woman meditating on pillows by the pool, and that woman introduces herself as a LOVE AND INTIMACY MENTOR, a/k/a Smoove B from The Onion.   

Babies, when this Viewer was about 14 years old, we went to a Sacred Dance Guild weekend retreat.  Why?  Because when you are 14 years old, you go wherever anyone’s parent decides to drive you, and my friends’ parent was particularly into liturgical dance.  The weekend was filled with middle aged men writhing on the floor in black turtle necks and old chinos, women chanting in pinafore frocks, and also, a particularly awkward improve session where a woman acted out the ENTIRE Easter resurrection from the perspective of both Mary and Jesus.  

So it is with terror, but odd familiarity, when Smoove B makes Carly and McConaughey don karate outfits and sit back to back while breathing into each other and saying “aaaaaaaaH.”  

“Hey-hey-heyheyhey-ungoo-wah, ”  whispers this Viewer, as our feet do a little Sacred Dance Guild circle dance. 

But now Smoove B is making Carly blindfold McConaughey, and This Viewer has pulled her entire sweatshirt hood closed for protection.
We receive a text from BMa: “Holy Fifty Shades.”
“I wish I was drunk right now.  IwishIwasdrunkrightnow.  WhyamIsober????” says ABe.

And then, THEN, gentle readers, Carly must use “her breath and various fruits and chocolates” to make her way around McConaughey’s body.  “Don’t get stuck in one place, but exploooooooore everything” says Smoove B.  We are dying. Carly is dying.  Everyone at the BNU is screaming.
“Holy Shit” says ABe.
“Silly ABe, I can hear her all the way up here!” says KMu’s four year old, as KMu is putting her to bed.

But Smoove B continues:  “Pretend like it’s the first time you ever touched a body.  Smell him.  Touch and taste him.  So Carly picks up a chocolate covered strawberry and does this:

This Viewer already has extremely strong feelings about the inappropriateness of chocolate covered strawberries (They, Like Jujy Fruits, are Not A Date Food).  So at this point, we just throw up.

But now Smoove B is making Carly do the downward dog while McConaughey massages her thighs, and then, THEN she forces them to practice a “de-robing” so that they can be “transparent to their partner” because, you know, we all wear “so many masks.”

“This is the literally the worst date of my life,” says Carly, for ALL OF US.

After Carly refuses to comply with the de-robing, Smoove B tells them to “keep their pants on and just…. Speak.”  So Carly talks about the fear of not being worthy, which makes us sad for her, and then she straddles McConaughey so that as she breathes out, he can breathe in, and we can all watch it in horror from the comfort of our own homes.  And then they KISS IN FRONT OF SMOOV B. 

Babies, imagine the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you.  And then double it.   That is the mental state in which this part of the date leaves the BNU.  

We are still not recovered when McConaughey takes Carly back to some lodge, where she tells him that she dated a person for 1.5 years who wouldn’t touch her, and it made her feel bad about herself.  That happened to this Viewer once.  He was in Narnia, which we should have known the instant he started talking about the new shampoo that brought out the bronze undertones in his hair.  But for the love of god Carly, that relationship was a matter of weeks, not 1.5 years.

At any rate, we do not hear the rest of what she is saying because Carly is wearing THE KITTY.  We wondered where that went to. If only it could speak….

In the end, McConaughey gives her the rose.   We like Carly, but we worry about her when she concludes that with the rose, she might finally have the opportunity to be in a “reciprocated relationship.”

We are still shaking when the next date card arrives for the group date:  “I’m rapidly falling in love.”  It’s for Jade, No Child Left Behind, The Crow, 1994, Hemingway, the Alleged Samantha, Fran Kardashian, and Kelsey (who is pouting because she “does not feel special.”)   They are going white water rafting in the Rio Grande River, an exercise for which all of the women felt it appropriate to wear leggings, instead of pants.

As “Cisco” the River Guide gives a safety talk, No Child Left Behind worries about alligators and also, dead bodies, which may be in the water.  Fran Kardashian is just excited because she’s in McConaughey’s boat.  If she was in the other boat without him, then she’d just be nervous.  Headdesk.

As they are rafting, Jade goes overboard, earning the black box over her bottom as MCConaughey hauls her to safety.  But crisis!  Jade apparently has a “special condition” where her body goes into hypothermia at normal temperatures.  Homegirl canNOT move to Iowa.  At any rate, she is completely calm and matter of fact about this as she tries to get warm while McConaughey rubs her feet, but 1994 and Kelsey are mad at Jade for stealing McConaughey’s attention.  “I would like, have the same strategy if I had her condition,” says 1994.  Seriously??   Kelsey begins to terrify all of us:  “I’m fine! FINE!  I’m not going to get any attention because I am FINE.  HA. HA. HA. HA.” Her cackle echoes across the canyon.

At the hotel later that night, drunk Jordan – who was kicked off the island in McConaughey Part 2 – springs herself on McConaughey after driving all night from Colorado and dances for her life.  The remainder of the date is consumed with the fact that McConaughey takes her back, even after he tells her that her drinking was a little much and she admits that it “still gets the best of me sometimes.”
“Did she just tell him she’s an alcoholic?” queries ABe.

Regardless, Jordan is painfully sober, like this Viewer, as the rest of the women complain to McConaughey about her presence.   Fran Kardashian, wearing a Kleenex romper and dinosaur teeth, tells him that Jordan just isn’t “wife material” like “so many of the others” left in the group.  She then tells all the other women that they should be mean to Jordan, because they don’t want her there.  The Crow throws down, telling her that she can disagree with McConaughey’s decision to keep Jordan, but it’s completely wrong to be mean to Jordan because of it.  Even as her words make our eardrums bleed, she has a point.  

In the end, the Crow gets the group date rose after a big speech about how she makes McConaughey feel special, and how he is excited for their potential (noooooooo).  McConaughey makes the decision to eliminate Jordan AGAIN because that is making a decision “like a man,” or as this viewer likes to call it, “just making a decision.” Fran Kardashian runs from the room crying with 1994 on her heels.  As Frannie cries about how “fake” The Crow is and how hurtful it was for The Crow to encourage Fran to be a reasonable human being, 1994 gently points out: “I don’t think there is anything wrong with the Crow.  You just don’t like her.”  There may be some hope for 1994 yet.

At last, at last, it is date #3 for Britt.  “Sky’s the Limit” it says, which immediately makes Britt start to cry because she is allegedly “terrified” of heights.   Carly, ever more practical, tells her that she MUST get ready for this date, including but not limited to (a) showering, (b) shaving her legs, and (c) washing her hair.  Because apparently, Britt has not done any of the above in weeks.   

Fortunately, Britt sleeps in her makeup that night “just in case,” because McConaughey drags her out of bed to go hot air ballooning.  He is just amazed, gentle readers, at how beautiful Britt looks in the morning!!!  We still like Carly, perhaps because she is the only one left to like other than maybe Jade, but we worry about how seriously upset she gets when she hears McConaughey kiss Britt awake. 

Suddenly Britt is thrilled and excited to go up in the air. 

Says KMu: “ok, so maybe she’s not DEATHLY afraid of heights.”

McConaughey thinks it’s “cute” to see how excited Britt is to ride in a hot air balloon.  She feels “safe in’ his arms and wonders at the “little animals running around” down below.

“Those are not little animals,” says KMu.  “They are actually big animals which look tiny.  Because you are in a balloon.”

McConaughey takes her back to his apartment, where she swears she wants to have 100 children some day (this is juxtaposed with Fran Kardashian informing the group “remember when ALL OF US were talking about how we just wanted to get married and have kids, and she was all ‘I just love being single?!?).  He then takes her to bed.

“Maybe it’s just heavy petting  . . .  Does anyone say that anymore?” asks KMu.

That afternoon, Britt waltzes back into the hotel to gush about her date.  “Oh, we went on a hot air balloon and then we went back to his room where we had dessert and coffee!!!!....” and this is the reaction of the women, as interpreted through the face of Hemingway:

….”And then we took a nap together!!!”

Kelsey feels like this “nap” has caused her own relationship to take a nose dive with McConaughey, and so she stalks down the hall to his room and demands an audience.   Because, gentle readers, she doesn’t think she should be sent home before she tells him she is a widow.  Really. 

As they cozy on the sofa, she begins:

“I don’t have bad news to share with you.  I’m not going anywhere.”  And then:  “I met my husband when I was 19.  We dated for three months before we knew we would get married.  He was amazing but he died in May 2013.  His name was Sanderson Poe.” We think it’s odd that she would say his full name, and then realize it is because he was an accomplished musician and so we are all supposed to be impressed because somehow that is supposed to make it more heart-wrenching that he died, and also, make HER something to be associated with such a great man.  She then springs herself on McConaughey for a first kiss.  

And then this happens, to the camera:

Kelsey:  “I’m just, AH!  Isn’t my story just amazing!  It’s so tragic, and amazing! I LOVE my story!  This is Chris’s story.  But it’s also a story about me.  This is the unfolding of someone who went through something so tragic, and now you’re all getting to watch this woman pick up the pieces of her life and grow into another person and another relationship as the love story unfolds at 8 pm on Mondays!”

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, Kelsey? 
“What did he die of, hemlock?” says KMu. 

This is our conclusion about Kelsey:  She doesn’t know how to define herself except in relation to something or someone she identifies as “great,” and so now she’s playing out the threads of a meta-narrative about her quest for love, in order to avoid having to go home and be just a school counselor in texas that married really young.  And that makes us sad for her.  And terrified for McConaughey.

 At any rate, it moves McConaughey.  As the cocktail party begins that night, McConaughey begins to make a speech but then gets choked up as he reveals his conversation with Kelsey that afternoon, and runs from the room.   The other women circle around to Kelsey, who swears that she had “every intention of telling you all at the cocktail party that I had talked to McConaughey.  I just needed to tell my story somewhere that it couldn’t be interrupted.  You know, to HONOR Sanderson.” 

The Crow has sucked in both sides of her cheeks.

Kelsey continues, all false wisdom and solicitude:  “It is very difficult for McConaughey to make a decision, but he knows what he needs to do.  Every day is a gift.  And our time is precious.  And we should never take it for granted.  It means that this is a man that respects us so much that he’s not going to waste our time.  It will be hard to say goodbye to people …. I mean, I’m not going to say goodbye, or maybe I will, I really don’t know, ….

Says ABe:  “She is really starting to freak me out right now.”
KMu:  “Just now?”

And then all hell breaks loose.  Fran Kardashian is crying again because Kelsey got to talk to McConaughey and Kelsey’s story was way WORSE than anything Fran Kardashian could have come up with, and Kelsey storms out of the room…. And is found hysterically crying on the floor of the hallway, claiming that she is having a panic attack.

This Viewer cries bullshit, as no one having a panic attack delicately lies on their back with their legs discretely closed and knees together.

And then ABC says “To be continued.”

DAMMIT.