Desiree WSBB Part 1: #LetTheGamesBegin

We may be in a sugar coma from a molotov cocktail of red velvet cupcake, chocolate cake, and wine (the BNU *might* have had a little celebration), but we are pretty sure that Desiree Who Should Be Black just said she wanted to be a Disney Princess.  As images of castles, boats, and the Cliffs of Despair flash across our vision in Part 1 of her season, Desiree WSBB invites us to "Picture the Best Dream Ever, then times it by ten, and then live in it."  mmmmm. . .  cheese for dinner . . . not a lawyer. . . living in Siena, Italy. . .. nope, This Viewer still does not see how our Best Dream Ever has anything to do with babysitting 25 juvenile men. 

But here is Desiree, moving into a house which is Awesome and also would be a Source of Broken Legs for this Viewer, as it has a pool, directly followed by a hot tub, directly outside the front door.  It is like a Landmine for the Clumsy.  And also, we can't decide if we like her dress.  It is red and cotton, yet sort of flapperish.  

"How much weight did they make her lose for this season?" ABe wonders. 

As we are forced to endure a truly ridiculous scene of roller skating on a boardwalk in jean shorts and a bikini top, we conclude: A Lot.  

We mentally offer Desiree WSBB a cupcake. We also wish that we could correct her posture, as her swayback is going to Make This Viewer Nuts now that she has no skin on her bones to soften it. 

 Desiree WSBB gets out of her 15 year old Honda (Real Life), only to drive down the road in a powder blue Bentley (Magic Princess Fairy Land!!).  It hits us that the next few Mondays are going to be horrible. HORRIBLE. A song plays in the background:  "She's got big brown eyes and long brown hair, vogue-ing in her underwear. . . Isn't she cray crazy beautiful, isn't she strange, strangely wonderful.. ." 

Whispers KMu:  "wow, that is my new favorite song." 

Blah blah we flash back through her time with Pringles.  In a phrase: Salmon Short of Rage. 

Lo, she tells Chris Harrison that post-Pringles, she is ready to meet her Prince.  She wants "a man" but refers to herself as a girl, she tears up several times, and we wonder what the hell happened to Desiree WSBB, whom we liked pretty well during Pringles' season. Maybe she's just hungry?  As she begins to get dressed for the evening, we meet a few of the guys: 

1.  Bryden, a 26 year old Iraq War Veteran.  He signed up for the military after a girl broke his heart.  So basically, he's emotionally stable.   

2.  Will, a 28 year old banker most well known for a penchant to high five strangers, addiction to Bikram Yoga, and his new title of Super White Black Man.  This Viewer had thought ABC photo-shopped the pigment out of his face in his promo picture, but dude is seriously the whitest black man ever, which is fitting for Desiree Who Should Be Black.  Way to stay "diverse," ABC.

3.  Drew.  Divorced "relatively young."  handicapped sister.  Dad's an alcoholic.  This is not going to work out well. 

4.  Nick - a 26 year old magician and tailor from Chicago.  Who wears a purple suit and tie.   We mentally nickname him Gob. 

5.  Zak, a 31 year old "drilling fluid engineer" from Texas.  He is naked on the porch, drinking coffee.  We admire his abs but wonder if that's all there is to him.  

6.  Robert, a 30 year old entrepreneur of some kind.  ABe cannot get past his eyebrows. 

7.  Mike, a 27 year old dental student/model who is also from England (but has no accent) and also was in the military.  He wants to find a relationship because the "happiest you can be is in love."  Idiot.

8.  Brandon, a 26 year old painting contractor who is an "adrenaline junkie" (oh! the wakeboarding!  Oh!  the motorcycles!")  Dad left, mom was an addict, but grandparents raised him.  Despite our misgivings, we decide to like him because (a) he called Desiree a woman, when she won't even refer to herself that way (and neither did any of the previous 7 guys), and (b) he is wearing a henley. This Viewer Likes a Man in a  Henley.

 So just when we thought we were done making lists, Desiree WSBB gets out of the limo and we have to meet all 25 of the men.  In general, we like her dress.  It is sleeveless, floor length, silver with tinsel strubles, and a high neck.  We secretly wish she would rip off the skirt and ice skate away from here. 

But now the first limo is pulling up and it is: 

1.  Drew

2.  Brooks Brothers, a 28 year old somewhat mashy faced long haired something or other.  He's probably in advertising, since everyone else this season seems to be.  As long as He's Got His Suit and Tie, This Viewer is sure he will Leave It All On the Floor Tonight, and in the process Show Her a Few Things. 

3.  Brad, an accountant from Denver.  Aaaaaand, he brought a wishbone with him.  They break it, and Desiree wins The Big Bone.  But ABe has fallen off the sofa because KMu is now translating what just occurred: 

"Oh, you're the guy who gave me a bone, and I broke it.  I hope your wish comes true." 

 Let's just sit with that for a minute.

4.  Bryden

5.  Michael the federal prosecutor, a/k/a/ "Hot Fuzz."  He goes into a long winded thing about pennies and wishes, and we are reminded once again why attorneys never make it past the early rounds in this show.

6.  Kasey - a 29 year old "advertising executive' in "social media."  Creepily, he did some market research on her, and "came up with some hash tags" to describe her.  This Viewer is going to spell out  each and every one of them so that You Gentle Readers can understand how Annoying As Shit this man is: 

Desiree is "hashtagmarriagematerial,"  "hashtagbeautiful" "hashtagbachelorette"

We hope Kasey gets voted off the island tonight.

 

7.  Super White Black Man!  Will!  He gives Desiree a high five. 

8.  "Mikey T," a plumbing contractor.  Blah blah he comes from a close family, family is everything. . .

9.  Jonathan, a lawyer.  Oh, damn, another one.  He's not going to last. 

Sure enough, Jonathan tries to give Desiree a "fantasy suite card" complete with room key, and then doggedly persists in attempting to convince Desiree to forgo all of the men in lieu of spending the evening in the fantasy suite with him.  Great, a Tone Deaf Lawyer. This is Not a Surprise.  Equally unsurprising, Desiree WSBB says no.

10.  Abs, the fluid drilling engineer.  Who is shirtless, hairless, and heavily spray tanned.  "This is officially when all the guys become girls," says KMu, as the prior 9 guys begin to cluck from their vantage point inside the house.

11. James, yet another 27 year old "ad executive."  He gives some sort of pitch about loyalty.  

12. Larry, an ER Doctor.  He attempts to teach Desiree a dance move, fails in the dip when she catches a heel, and swears about it as he walks into the house.  We conclude he is Not A Nice Man. 

13.  Gob.  He turns a piece of paper into a rose by lighting in on fire.  

14.    Another Zack, this time a book publisher, who looks exactly like Ed from season Jillian. 

"This is the worst crop of men ever," mutters KMu.

15.  Diego, . . .in a suit of armor.  "You look beautiful, like a princess" he tells her.  "Welcome to Medieval Times!" yells some dude from inside the house.

As limo #2 drives up, We at the BNU have already thrown in the towel.   Desiree WSBB tries to reassure us.  She is "loving this!"  Oh, what a great group of guys!!  FEH.  And the Parade of Horribles continues with: 

16.  Chris, a Mortgage Broker.  Why hello, sailor.   He meets her, gets down on one knee, and asks her for permission to tie his shoe.  Then explains that he wants to get off on the right foot.  Yay, we have a relatively normal, bad-joke making man!  We are a fan of Chris.

17.  Mike the Dental student/model.  Wearing a lab coat to remind everyone that he is a Medical Professional.  Shoot us now.

18.  Robert of the hairy eyeballs. 

19.  Juan Pablo, a former pro soccer player.  This little Juan Ton is muy caliente, but a little slick.  He brings her chocolate. 

20.  Brandon, who pulls up on a motorcycle with music blaring, and then proceeds to take off his helmet to reveal a bandana tied around his face.  

"What is he, in a gang?" asks KMu.

"Boy, boy, crazy boy, stay coooooool, boy!!" sings This Viewer.

21.  Brian, another financial adviser.  Blessedly normal. 

22. Micah, a Law Student.  WTF.  There are THREE lawyer/lawyer wannabees on this season?  And he, also, Is a Tool: He has designed his own suit out of about 20 mismatching thrift-store suits, because Desiree designs clothes.  He looks like the Riddler.  

So basically, ABC has given us the Holy Trinity of Lawyer Stereotypes:  Gimmick, Myopia, and Windbaggedry.  Thank you, Micah, Jonathan, and Hot Fuzz, respectively.   

23.  Nick, an investment banker from somewhere.  He reads a cue card with a little speech to her.

24. Dan, a "Beverage Sales Director." We secretly think he drives a beer truck. 

25. And last but not least, John-Boy Walton. We don't care what his real name is because he's already said goodnight to Pa on the mountain top in our minds.  As his maybe 3 year old son advances from the limo first,  we admit that the kid is seriously cute, but we are a little bothered by John-Boy's use of him as a prop. 

Mercifully, Roll Call is now done for the evening.  As we head inside the mansion, we wonder What Terrors Await.  Kasey sums it up as "#Iwantarose"  and This Viewer thinks "#notonyourlife."  

 KMu giggles into her wine about competition being very "stiff," and soon Gob has whisked Desiree WSBB away for the first 1:1 time.  Babies, he is "creating an illusion. . . to make Desiree disappear for five minutes." This is both awesome and awesomely bad, but Larry the ER Doctor is pissed.  Meanwhile, Gob isn't faring so well himself: "So, do you do magic . . . full time?" tentatively asks Desiree.  

Soon Brandon of the Henley has stolen Desiree away.  We actually like him, as he explains that his mom is 7 years sober, and he gives Desiree his mom's 7 year coin with the promise that she will give it back to him  on hometown dates.  But he says "you went through that too," and suddenly we don't quite know whether Desiree WSBB was an alcoholic, or whether someone close to her struggled with it.  We hope it is not her, as she appears to be drinking wine.  Babies, can one of you Fill Us In?

Anyway, Desiree makes the rounds to Brooks Brothers and then to John-Boy Walton, who once again uses his child as a prop to get conversation started.  We are charmed by him and he gets the first rose, but we are a bit puzzled by his explanation that he and his son's mom were really just friends who decided to have a baby.  That's a bit of an odd thing to "decide" between friends at a young age, but whatever. 

But now, Abs is taking his nakedness to another level.  Since John-Boy Walton got a rose, Abs also wants to show her that he is Serious About This Process.  "What better way to do that than to show up topless?" mutters KMu.  But he is taking it to a whole new level, stripping down and jumping in the pool.  

As everyone admires the stunt and then quickly leaves, we feel sad for Abs:   We are pretty sure that the only "Thing" he thinks he has going for him is his physique.  Maybe that's true, but Desiree does some negative reinforcement when she gives him a rose for jumping in the water.  Oh well.  

blah blah Larry the ER Doctor is still fixated on his failed "dip," and HashTag has stolen Desiree away for more hashtagerry.  #asshat.   And then We Are Getting Dizzy because Bryden the Iraq Veteran is telling Desiree about his dog, and Juan Ton is playing soccer with her, and then Larry the ER Doctor approaches Desiree to: 

1. Apologize about the Dip 

2.  Take his glasses on and off. 

She asks him if he is sleepy.  ahahahaaaaaa. 

And then this happens:  

Jonathan the lawyer, A/k/a Myopia, Has A Plan.  And that Plan, Babies, is to "Get Desiree Alone and then Kiss Her On the Mouth."  To that end, he has created his own fantasy suite in some back bedroom of the house, has lit a few candles, and has waited for her patiently.  Yet she does not come, and so Myopia seeks her out:  

Desiree: "I am not going to go anywhere with you, but I will sit beside you here." 

Myopia:  [sitting outside]:  "I am not like your last boyfriend. . . "

Desiree:  nervously: "Who. .  Sean?"

She soon makes her excuses and leaves before anyone else steals her away, and then Myopia comes back for more:  

As Myopia tries to drag Desiree off to his "Fantasy Suite" yet a third time, he explains to the camera: 

"I think I"m a good catch.  My mom says I'm good looking.  And my Love Tank has not been depleted for years. . . .So we are looking at a Very Large Love Tank." 

"Is he talking about blue balls?" asks KMu.

We don't know because we have now hidden behind our glass of wine, so mortified are we for All Lawyers Everywhere.  

At last, at last, Desiree makes Myopia leave the house because he has made her uncomfortable.  

"hashtagfantasyfail," says HashTag.

"#f*ing annoying" we whisper. 

So we have lost track of all of the men Desiree has given roses to tonight, which include at least John Boy and Abs, but at last it is the rose ceremony and she picks; 

1.  Brandon

2.  Zack

3.  Super White Black Man

4.  Brooks Brothers

5.  Juan Ton

6.  Wishbone

7.  HashTag (nooooooooooooo)

8.  James.  (There's a james??)

9.  Robert.

10.  Brian - yay. Blessedly normal (or so we think)

11.  Dan - also normal?

12.  Chris - YAY.

13.  Mikey T the plumber.  

It looks like Larry the ER doctor, Diego, and Gob are going home.  We also think (hope) that Micah the Law Student didn't get a rose, because Honeybadger Don't Need That Shit.  But we are also a little scared for this season, which appears to involve about a thousand fist fights, secret girlfriends, bad hair, and lots of tears.  

Stay tuned, Babies!