Pringles Part 9: Wild Abandon

As we blaze into Pringles Part 9 (read: bitterly drink wine and wish we were asleep), we are treated to a view of southern Thailand.  Pringles is proudly standing at the bow of a little boat, sailing to shore.   We simultaneously are grateful to see that he has ditched the pink shorts, and also wonder whether he will turn around to discovery a tiger, leading to an Uneasy Friendship That Will Become Part of His Spiritual Journey.  

Oh! But he is Conflicted! He is looking forward to spending time with the three remaining women because he  Just. Doesn't. Know. Who. To. Pick!!  Could it be Hillshire, with whom he shares "the same morals AND values?" We see a video montage of their various dates, which basically consist of throwing fish at each other, frolicking in the snow, and The Kitty.

Or, could it be "AshLee, not to be confused with Oscar Winner, Ang Lee?"  wonders KMu. And here she is, giving the performance of a lifetime with a general discussion of brokenness and abandonment, and crying in her soup about how she never dealt with any of that until Just Now.
"There is always that critical point where the woman could either go to a licensed therapist, or go on reality television," notes KMu.  We all share a moment of not-so-quiet reflection on Season Wombat and his made for television "therapist," Jamie Green (a/k/a Jaime Verde, a/k/a the drummer from Go West).  We wonder how the King of Wishful Thinking is doing these days, and secretly wish he was counseling the PK.

Finally, could it be the General's Daughter?  Who is TWENTY FOUR.

And speak of the devil, off we are to date #1 with the General's Daughter.  They are admittedly in a fancity hotel, but they do plan to go out into the streets of Thailand, which is why we cannot understand why the General's Daughter is wearing sky high platform heels with her little short skirt and tank top.  This is going to be a painful date for her.

As they climb into a very pink motor rickshaw, This Viewer thinks back on her brief visit to the United Arab Emirates.  In which we saw a "Ladies Taxi" that was also painted over with pink.  This Viewer would LOVE a Ladies Taxi.  It could be driven by women for women only, and would therefore be an escape from scuzzballs like the one this Viewer encountered on our last business trip at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning, with whom this Viewer reluctantly shared an airport cab only to listen to 10 minutes of "Kel-O, Kiddy Kel, you are One Smart Cookie, Give me a Hug!!" after 20 minutes of telling This Viewer how Fabulous he was.   So yes, Ladies Taxi = Good Idea.

 But the General's Daughter is less convinced than this Viewer: "Ooo, will we fit in there?" she wonders.
"Ever ridden in a golf cart?" asks ABe.
And then even more inexplicably, they go to the St. Kao Market, to eat some street food.

Okay, rule #1 of generally third-world and most other-world international travel is Thou Shalt Not Eat Food Cooked On the Street.  And so we look on with mild curiosity as to the level of revenge Montezuma will be seeking later on, as Pringles and the General's Daughter eat fried bugs, things wrapped in leaves, and things on a stick from this street market.  As they devour what can only be described as skewered maggot, we wonder how much fun they are actually having on this date.

Mercifully, it's time to get naked.  One hard edit later, and Pringles and the General's Daughter have stripped down to their very small (well, for her) bathing suits and are now at "Monkey Beach."

So, when this viewer was last in Canada, we made the mistake of feeding a pigeon the last of our french fry at the CN Tower.  We vividly remember the moment of extending our hand with said fry, while a "noooooooooo" emitted from our friend KDe.   Two seconds later, we were surrounded by pigeons.  We secretly think they flew in from all sides of the North American Continent. We literally ended up fleeing from the pigeons.   And so, as Pringles and the General's Daughter feed monkey after monkey as more monkeys look on, we get a little skittish.  But nothing untoward happens beyond the General's Daughter experiencing wilting hair and melting makeup as they talk about how well their lives would fit together and the sun sets on them kissing in the water.

But we are not done! Oh no, we must now go to dinner at what appears to be an outdoor Thai version of a Las Vegas casino.  And now, the General's Daughter is wearing a white jeans dress.  We All Remember (All Of Us) that time that Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits to some awards show, and are secretly think it was unnecessary for the General's Daughter to steal Britney's dress, bleach it, and add sequins.  Of course she would move to Dallas if they were to get engaged!  Was there every any question?? Of course she would love to marry him in a heartbeat!!  As Thai dancers surround them, the General's Daughter accepts the "Fantasy Suite" card, confesses her love to him, and we fade to black as they make out.

Oh goody, we are only at date #2, with the PK.  She shows up in tiny cut-off shorts and a midriff baring crocheted fishnet top.
"I know you love that shirt," says KMu to This Viewer.
Except we DO love it because suddenly this show makes sense:   Pringles thinks the PK is hot because she is dressed exactly like a male participant in a Gay Pride parade.

But we are now distracted by the wordy necklace around PK's neck. We freeze frame the television, and then freeze frame again:
"Tempest? Tampon? Compost?" wonders KMu.
"I think it says "Abandoned," says ABe.
KMu goes on the interwebs, triumphantly displaying the PK's "Gypset" necklace 10 minutes later, educating all of us at the BNU that "gypset" is in fact a Real Word that is a combination of "Gypsy" and "Jet Set," and then threatening to purchase a Gypset necklace for All Of Us at the BNU.  As the word "Gypset" brings in mind the wealthy person who thinks its cool to look like she lives in the trailer out back, we respectfully decline. And also, it is ugly as shit.

So while this treasure hunt is occurring, Pringles has taken PK into a cave to challenge her and test her ability to "let go."  As they swim through the cave holding onto nothing more than a little floaty, PK talks about how freaked out this is making her and how it "all goes back to being abandoned as a child."
"Wait, what's all this about abandonment?" wonders ABe. "And also, did you know that Jake is a Pilot?'

Soon they make it through alive and to the other side, which is a secluded beach that can apparently ONLY be reached by swimming through the cave.  KMu feels bad for the poor production assistant who likely had to swim through that cave with their little picnic on her head to set up for this date to be filmed.  But the PK is having a Deep and Meaningful Epiphany:  "It's like when you are with the person that you love, and you are going through A Dark Alley.  It's Like Taking a Risk and Not Knowing It's Outcome."
"Wait, isn't that the very definition of risk?" says KMu.
"Aren't they just swimming in a cave? Can someone please explain the challenge to me?" asks ABe.
 But Pringles gets a big charge out of it because he likes that the PK trusts him, since it's important for a woman to trust her husband.  We get annoyed.

Blah blah they kiss on the beach in their tiny tiny swimsuits. We are a little thrown off because the PK appears to have gotten, er, larger on her top half since the beginning of this season and we are wondering How That Works.  And then just like that, we are at dinner. And then the fantasy suite.  And pretty much all you need to know is the following;
1.  Their interests are in alignment.
2.  The PK "Loves This Man."  Oh, and in case we didn't hear it, she "Loves This Man and wants to Marry This Man."
3.  Her ring finger is a size 6 1/2.

Finally, we are at Date #3 with Hillshire.  As she runs up to Pringles, we gasp because she is wearing a Holly Hobby dress.
" I was once Holly Hobby for Holloween," says KMu.  
This Viewer was once Neefa Feefa the Eyeball Dancer, which we suspect explains a lot.

So Hillshire and Pringles go sailing into the wilds. As they drink wine and sweat in the heat, we are having a difficult time paying attention.  Pringles notes that Hillshire "fits him perfectly," but wonders if she would be willing to "settle down in Dallas."   He asks her, and she either says that she is "pretty inspired by" Seattle (where she currently lives), or "pretty expired by" Seattle.  No one asks for a clarification, and so we Are Left Unknowning.

Blah blah they talk about her family, and she confesses that she was angry at her sisters because they threw her under the bus, and don't actually have any idea where she is with respect to her preparedness to commit to a relationship.  For that, she talks to her married friend, because with her sisters it is all jealousy and backbiting.  And then they do backflips off the boat into the water, kiss a whole bunch, and head to dinner.

At dinner, we continue along the same vein.  Pringles feels like Hillshire "gets him" more than any other woman (uh oh).   In five years, she sees them married with a child.  She likes that he is a stable man, and she is "very traditional."  But when the fantasy suite card comes out, she says she wants to be treated as a "lady," while looking forward to some "intimate time" [everybody drink] with him.  She admits to having issues with food and body image (uh oh), he reassures her that she is "smokin," she tells him that he is also "such a hunk," they kiss in the pool of the Fantasy Suite, and we are done.

After a shameless plug for the movie Oz by Chris Harrison from the Ladies' Mansion back in LA (and in which Michelle Williams looks pissed to be sitting there interrupting her Watching of the Bachelor and Reading of this Blog [we wish]), we are again back in Thailand at the rose ceremony.

Soon the women are arriving.  The General's Daughter looks pretty and normal.   Hillshire is wearing a poppy-colored octopus for a dress.  We hate this dress, but not as much as [GASP] wtf is the PK wearing.

Babies, it is often that This Viewer draws dresses when writing for the BNU, to help us remember because it is so goddamn late.  We have never put a picture on the BNU before because we are just too lazy, but we now offer to you our humble sketch from last night:

It is purple.  There is tangible jubbly hanging out.  And also, we don't even know what to say about this necklace, which is as if the PK bedazzled a serving platter, and secured it to her throat with two tea-cup sized matching orbs.  We HATE this outfit.

We know we are supposed to be listening to the video messages that the ladies are leaving for Pringles, but we Cannot. Get. Over. This Dress.  As the PK rambles on in her message, thanking Pringles because "I know that you know that I'm not broken, and I ultimately thank you for that and will love you forever," we start to sweat over the fear of a broken strap on this dress.

And then, while our eyes are still having a seizure, Pringles picks;
1. the General's Daughter, and
2.  Hillshire.

WHOA.  The PK is going home.  Instantly, her face becomes a mask, and she walks directly past Pringles to the limo.  Pringles begs to let him explain himself to her:
"I thought you were the one from the very beginning. I hope you know where I'm coming from.'  Um, maybe This Viewer has had one too may glasses, but We seriously are not seeing how this is an explanation.

The PK gets into the limo, continues to be stony faced, says that it wasn't a joke to her, and then starts to cry.  We feel bad for her, and wish she would just wash her face, put on a top, and just move forward with her life.

Stay tuned for next week, when The Women Tell All.

- KLo

Pringles Part: Pringles Tells It All

When this Viewer was in college, we decided to be a Secret Admirer.  Not because we had the Unrequited Hots for the target of our admiration, but because we genuinely liked and admired him, and thought maybe having a Secret Admirer would brighten his day. And people like that deserve Secret Admirers as much as others.  So This Viewer embarked on an elaborate cut and paste Secret Admirehood, where we would smuggle art projects through campus mail every couple weeks for about a semester.  And the most gratifying part of it was when a mutual friend went over to his house, and he showed our friend all the art projects and talked about which one he liked best.

So when we watched Pringles Part: Pringles Tells it All last night, we felt a little like we were watching a Secret Admirehood gone tragically wrong.  Okay, so we didn't see the first 15 minutes of the show, but the last 45 went something like this:

1) Squints:  Let's pick her up and examine her.  She is so sweet.  Her strengths are in rising above adversity, such as but not limited to ziplining in Vegas and roller derby.  Sending her home was tough, but Pringles knew that there was nothing there when he kissed her the last time.  She was Not the one he liked best.

2) Selma:  Princess Jasmine was attractive from all sorts of angles.  Pringles had "amazing sexual chemistry" with this particular object, and explored all the various ways to interact with it including but not limited to eskimo kisses and eyelash kisses.  While he appreciated the message attempted to be relayed by Princess Jasmine, but that message did not speak meaningfully to Pringles.  She was also Not the one he liked best.

3) The Democrat:  While this one made an initial strong impression, Pringles' attraction to her faded as she did not continue to open up and tell him that she loved him.  Had she done this, perhaps he would have moved her one step further towards the top of the pile.  But she did not, and so he did not.  And once again, she was Not the one he liked best.

4) Tierra Firma:  Similar to the Democrat, Tierra Firma first skidded into Pringles' life in a riot of sparkle glitter and feathers.  But this particular bachelorette was in poor taste, and never should have been offered up to Pringles.  He feels ashamed to have once counted her among his favorites. Badly done, ABC.  She was, in the end, Not the one he liked best.

Then we heard about a few random "projects" too homely and tragic to deserve their own segment:  50 Shades, who got drunk and told Pringles repeatedly about her mother, and Drunk Daniella.  And we also learned more about Hillshire's own project of sending Pringles random notes, which is not dissimilar to Secret Admirehood.  Our personal favorite was the following:   "I have a major crush on you and your arms are hairless." We don't really think Pringles is probably right for Hillshire, but we like her style.

Stay tuned for next week, as we continue on our Dramatic and Emotional Journey.

-KLo

Pringles Part 8: [Crazy For You] Touch Me Once And You'll Know Its True

Pringles Part 8 begins with a glass of wine being handed to us by PMu as he utters words of wisdom:  "Pull that bandaid off."  And just like that, we are tumbled into Houston, Texas by ABC.  And there is the PK, walking her little Yorky in like the skinniest jeans ever, with some sort of button-down shirt that has managed to be tight as well.

"How do women exist whose legs don't touch in the middle?" asks ABe.  This Viewer would really like to know, as our own legs are more similar to two Chicken Drumsticks than a Wishbone.

But the PK whispers on and on about how she "had no clue" what loving another person outside of her family was until she met Pringles.  All of her worries and fears of being "broken" fade away around him.  Oh dear.  This is only going to end badly if PK continues to look to some dude for healing.   And also, WTF are they doing laying around in a meadow? We wonder if a vampire will pop out from the bushes and sparkle for them.   As they awkwardly sip champagne amidst the wildflowers,  we discover that Pringles' grandfather is a pastor, and his dad is also "technically a reverend."  We are not sure what that means, but it makes the PK happy.  Soon she is yammering on about her marriage at age 17 AGAIN, and in response to said yammering, this happens:

"Wow, that is the exact answer my dad would have given me."
and in case we didn't hear it the first time:
"That's so awesome, you answered that just like my dad would have."

We are a little uncomfortable. And then a little more when the "you're amazing," . ."No, YOU'RE Amazing!!!" begins to happen.

At last they get up and head home to meet dad Bruce and mom Deborah.
"Ooo, now we know what the PK is going to look like when she's older!!" says ABe.
"Um .... she's adopted," says KMu and This Viewer.
'OMG, don't put that in the blog," says ABe.

So we like these parents, who sit everyone down to eat outside.  Except it continues to be awkward, at least for this viewer, because Bruce asks what she has been doing the last few weeks, and the PK says:
"Oh, we took the polar bear plunge.  And it was just this deep and meaningful thing where I got into a bikini and then went into 34 degree water and left all of my fear of abandonment and baggage behind in the water. . . And then we went to St. Croix, and there was a lot of romance and we rolled around in the sand a lot."

We never realized how much this show is like an extended Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoot until this very moment.  And also, we appreciate Deborah's face when the PK talks about rolling in the sand and romance.

Soon, we are onto 1:1 times between Pringles and the parents.  We continue not to see why Pringles is valuating PK for his potential wife, as the first question out of his mouth for Deborah is:  "I assume her control issues are related to her abandonment?" But then Bruce asks Pringles if he is in "love with my daughter," and after an awkward pause, Pringles says, "I am crazy about her [everybody drink], and I see love on the horizon."  Feh. Yet somehow, Pringles still asks for Bruce's blessing to propose, and Bruce says yes.  Then Bruce makes us all cry by telling us about his first date with his daughter, when he met her at age four and adopted her.

But as the PK leads Pringles out of her parents house, ABe is in a fury: "ABC keeps using dumb quotes instead of smart quotes on its captions, and that is annoying as shit."
"Next season on the Bachelor: Comic Sans," says KMu.

We want to climb the walls by the end of this date, because everything is a Deep and Meaningful Journey to the Center of the Earth with the PK, instead of just dinner and a nice time.  "Today was a beginning," says she.  "I want to marry this man right now because I need him to be the one that I love and take care of.  Today has been magical." Yes, throw some fairy dust on top and stick a fork in it, PK.

Just like that, we are off to meet family #2, visiting Hillshire in Seattle.  And suddenly, we aren't listening anymore because as Hillshire runs to meet Pringles, we discover that Pringles is wearing a jacket with elbow patches.  This Viewer LOVES a jacket with elbow patches.  It is our Secret Man Weakness.  We stare at Pringles' elbows and feel a general sense of well-being towards him, which is only slightly unsteadied when he states he feels like he is with his wife when hanging out with Hillshire.  Whoa, we didn't see that coming.  And also, we at the BNU are a little worried, as Pringles seems more into Hillshire than Hillshire seems into him, notwithstanding her stated love for his "smell and big beefy arms."

So Pringles and Hillshire run around Seattle catching fish at the fishmarket (so much for smelling good), putting gum on a wall (ew), and then eating out before heading home to meet mom, grandma Lola (a/k/a "Gramcracker."  ahahaha, we love Hillshire for that nickname), Mom whose name we missed, and sisters Monica and India.  And we are bit conflicted, because we love this house.  If Pringles had to pick a partner based on her home alone, Hillshire would win hands down In This Viewer's Mind because she has a cozy house, with wall hangings and color and a nice lived-in feeling about it.

Except sisters and mom are way skeptical.  The sisters corner Hillshire in a bedroom and tell her that they feel like she generally makes awesome decisions, but here she is "trying to convince" them.  And then to Pringles, they tell him that they don't see Hillshire having kids right now at all, and that she has lots of dreams and ambitions, and it is great if Pringles wants to support that, but if not . . . . Oh and also, she needs a man who can handle the fact that she is messy and moody, wavering between very happy and very focused.  Then with Mom, he asks for her blessing, and she very nicely says that well, there are a number of other women left, and let's just keep our pants on and see where this goes.

Personally, we like Mom's approach.  We are a little annoyed at the sisters for throwing Hillshire under the bus, but we see where they are coming from too.  However, all this is too much for Pringles, who clearly has visions of immediately settling down and having children with his intended.  As he says goodbye to Hillshire, he tells the camera that he really doesn't see how things can go from here with her.  Oh!!

Off we go to date #3, at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri with the General's Daughter. It is at this point that we really begin to get bored.  Babies, the General's Daughter is 24.  TWENTY.  FOUR.  And as KMu correctly observed, if she would wash all the makeup off her face and put her hair in a ponytail, she would look about 12.  So we feel a little ridiculous as the General's Daughter walks Pringles around her small town, stopping for a beer and then going into the "Sugar on Top Bake Shoppe," (which would be an *awesome* name for a strip club).

Before meeting her parents, the General's Daughter makes Pringles change into army clothes and do a bunch of exercises while she yells at him, boot camp style.  As this mainly comes across as a grown man humoring a teenager's giddy plan for "fun" and "romance," we are simply annoyed.  But Pringles takes it all, because his main concern is that the General's Daughter's dad is, well, a two-star General.  And also, his "business is making men."  So Pringles is a little worried that his ass is going to be toasted and tossed out the door.  That would be interesting.

But soon we are at home with Mom and Dad, and we are a little swept away. "Wow, her mom has a bit of a plate fetish," notes KMu.  And it is so true. There are decorative plates of Every Color and Variety in every corner of this house.  With just three easy payments, this entire set could be yours, babies.   But once again, it is the Parents for the Win!  We love the parents of the General's Daughter.  In 1:1 time with Mom, she tells Pringles that her daughter is definitely ready to settle down, and that Mom just wants someone who will love her as much as they do.  In 1:1 with Dad, Pringles says he is "crazy about" the General's Daughter [everybody drink].  But the General himself talks about needing to enable Pringles and His Daughter to make a decision, and gives his blessing because he feels like that clears the way for a Decision To Be Made.  And also, he gives Pringles some dog tags (ok, that part was a little cheesy).

As Pringles says goodbye, the General's Daughter whispers that she loves him.  We are not sure how this is going to play out, but we suspect that she will at least Live to Fight Another Day.

Finally, we are on date #4 with Desiree Who Should Be Black, in Los Angeles.  And she is wearing the neon yellow vest that this viewer wears when she doesn't want to get hit by a bus walking at night.  Except Pringles as just One-Upped, her, as he is wearing the SALMON SHORTS OF RAGE.   We hate these shorts!!!  As Desiree WSBB announces that they are going to start their day with a hike, we secretly hope that a bear will run out of the wilderness and claw these shorts into a million pieces.  

Blah blah they hike, they kiss, they go back to her house for dinner.  And then suddenly, there is a knock on the door!  And it is Desiree WSBB's boyfriend, who wants to talk to her!!  Pringles puffs up into his Most Manly "Don't Put Your Hand on Me" self, and then just like that, it is over.  Ha ha, the "boyfriend" was an actor that Desiree WSBB hired to prank Pringles.  And that actor should not quit his day job because he was terrible.  But we stopped listening long ago because Desiree WSBB has turned around and shown us the back of her shirt.  What we *thought* was a silk button down blouse, is actually a silk button down blouse with the back hanging open.  We understand the concept, but it doesn't work.  At. All.  Mullet shirts have no business in real life.

Soon, Mom Roxanne, Dad Tony, and brother Nate show up for dinner.  These parents are ridiculously cute.     But we barely see them because this entire part of Pringles Part 8 may be characterized as:  "And Then Nate was a Dick."  Brother Nate tells Desiree WSBB that there is "no way this will work out."  As Nate then pulls Pringles away for 1:1, the whole rest of the family tenses up.   So apparently this family dynamic is Not Unknown.

Pringles tells Nate that he is "crazy about" Des [everybody drink], and Nate responds that he's probably "crazy about a lot of girls" (ha ha, and also, oh dear).  Pringles talks about how it hasn't been 'laid on his heart' which woman he will pick, which is language that makes This Viewer Want to Saw Off Her Arm.  But then Nate throws down, informing Pringles that he is "Really just a playboy, I think you just get what you can from one person, and then you go over to the next one to see what you can get."
Sayeth KMu: "Wow, he really just summed up this show that we watch every week."

In the end, Desiree WSBB's parents tell Nate he is off base, Des is in tears, and Pringles is unhappy.  As Nate cackles and tells Desiree WSBB that Pringles is "Not. The. One." we feel bad for her.  While this may be true, no one needs a brother that is that much of a bully.

At last we are at the rose ceremony.  Well actually, Pringles is getting his bottom halfs dressed for the rose ceremony, while his top halfs are nekkid. We are soon relieved that he has donned a shirt, even if only to speak with Chris Harrison about how he is conflicted about whether to send Desiree WSBB and Hillshire home.  Yes, Desiree has a crazy brother that Pringles Can Not Stand, but Hillshire has the ultimate kiss of death:  Lofty goals for herself, and ambition.  Whatever will he do????

As he stumbles into the room to hand out roses, he looks worried.. .  But the first rose goes to PK now problem.  Her dress is would benefit from sizing up a little, but we can see how the person in it would be attractive to PK's desire to help wounded animals.   So, one rose down, two more to go.

But then, as Pringles stands ready to give the next rose. .. Desiree WSBB pulls him aside!!!  She apologizes for her brother!!  She hopes no harm has been done!!!  He reassures her, they return to the rose ceremony, and he gives rose #2 to . .  .the General's Daughter!  Oh no!! Desiree WSBB and Hillshire are now sweating bullets.

Suddenly, Pringles flees the room!!  This is getting stupid.  He wanders back to the deliberation room, looks at the pictures of the women, struggles with his decision, and then picks for rose #3 . .. Hillshire!!!

Whoa, Desiree WSBB is going home.  And this is not a Decision of Clarity for Pringles.  He unhelpfully tells her that "you have every quality I look for in a wife, which is why I may wake up tomorrow morning and realize that i made a huge mistake."  Way to make it worse, Idiot.  Desiree WSBB informs him that he IS making a huge mistake, and that he WILL regret it, and begs for him to keep her.  But he doesn't.  And she gets in the limo and cries about how she doesn't know what she's going to do with her life.  We feel bad for her.  But as KMu puts it all in perspective, Pringles was struggling over what woman came in THIRD place.  Does Desiree WSBB really want to be upset about that?

At any rate, tomorrow night is a special "Sean Tell All" episode.  This Viewer is PISSED about another double feature, and May Go On The Revolt and Boycott It In Favor of Sleep.  But if not, we can be found here tomorrow, in all our Bitter Glory.

-KLo

Pringles Part 7: Tierra Sparkle

Babies, we begin Pringles Part 7 on a sea plane to St. Croix.  Or, as Pringles likes to say:  "It's been a long journey to get to this beautiful, tropical place."  Pringles, you have NO idea.  While the "drama" with Tierra was previously getting to him, his salmon shorts are getting to This Viewer.  Apparently This Viewer is speaking to a wall when we say that we hate these shorts.

But suddenly, we are distracted by the Buccaneer Hotel, which looks *exactly* like the Dirty Dancing set.  Join hands and hearts and voices, babies, voices, hearts and hands. At the BNU all friendships last long, as the mountain stands.  And also, this is apparently where the ladies will be staying.  The PK is all up in her head:  "This 1:1 time is so crucial. I want to be in my swimsuit and see him in his."  Meanwhile, Tierra decides that she doesn't want to play nice with any of the other women, so she drags a cot into the living room to make her bedroom.

Date Card #1 is for the PK!! "Let's get carried away . . ." She thinks this is perfect, as every time she is with Pringles, she gets "carried away, if not physically than emotionally!"  The PK exhausts us.  Except suddenly, we all rally around her because Tierra is saying that the "Cougar is back in town" and that by the time she is 32, she wants to be married and have her family "all set."  Darling, This Viewer wanted that too, but rather than trade life with a peninsular-thinking bonehead in exchange for marriage and family, we chose life.  And it all worked out in the end.  And also, this "Cougar" speaks for all of us when we say that Tierra will no doubt look as Haggity as she perceives the PK to be by the time she is 32, for she is Haggity In. Her. Soul.

So blah blah Pringles picks up the PK for their date, and *surprise* it is on a catamaran that they must swim to!  "Ever since [PK] allowed me to lead her blindfolded in Canada, I've seen a different side of her," declares Pringles.

This viewer just choked on her wine.

But this is Deep and Meaningful.  Pringles and PK do the whole "love will go on" Titanic thingy, and she expresses that she must "open up and trust this foundation" they are building.  Oh, but could all relationships be built upon an excellent foundation of all-expenses paid trips to fabulous locations with a person one only sees once a week!  And also, because this is real life.  But the PK is sounding the death knell for herself, as Pringles asks her about the drama at the house, and she openly discusses Tierra (a/k/a "Pouty Pants").  Pringles is concerned, but not enough to stop from kissing the PK in the sand as the surf rolls in.

KMu:  "Who would want all that sand up in their hooha?"  Not. This. Viewer.

Now we are at dinner, and the PK is having a hard time expressing her Big Dramatic Thing that Will Cause Pringles to Reconsider Everything. . .

Pringes:  "Is there anything else I should know?"
PK: "I do have something to tell you, and it's really hard for me to say . . "
KMu: "Third nipple?"
PK"  Oh gosh, I don't want you to think differently about me . .."
This Viewer: "Secret love child.  Tattoo.  Not really a PK"
ABe: "She's a man."
KMu:  "She's not into dudes."
PK:  "15 years ago, me and my mom were having a difficult time, and I had a boyfriend. . "
This Viewer: "SECRET LOVE CHILD.  and also GRAMMAR RAGE."
PK: "And I got married my junior year of high school.  We broke up by my senior year."

And here is the beauty of being 32.   By the time one is 32, that whole "oops I got married for a nanosecond in high school" should just kind of fade into the category of past embarrassments that happened one time at band camp, which have long since been surpassed by watching one's body slide down the Ravages of Time and onto the Icy Cliffs of Hail Damage, the game of whether one can convince the eye doctor not to prescribe bifocals for *another two years*, and realizing that we wasted  10 years on an unfulfilling career that causes us to have a Secret Love Affair with cheese.

But the PK has not moved past high school. She cries, and doesn't want to be that "broken girl" to him, for she wants to come to Pringles "as whole as she can."  And once again, we are exhausted.  Pringles, on the other hand, is relieved:  "I thought you were going to tell me something terrible," says he.  But now that she has Confessed All, he has "no questions."
KMu:  "This woman just told you that she got married at 17 because she was fighting with her mom, and you have no questions?
ABe:  "The defense rests, your honor."

This date ends with Pringles and PK Oh-Captain-My-Captain-ing it on their dinner chairs, screaming "I love St Croix" and then her screaming in her feathery voice: "I love Sean!!!" Meh.

So while this has been happening, Date Card #2 has arrived, and it is for Tierra.  "Let's explore our love on the streets of St. Croix" says the card.  "I'm excited, but I'm not looking forward to being attacked by bugs, or the sweatiness, or my makeup dripping off.  This is not cool.  I was really hoping for a boating date," says she.

The Democrat, for all of us:  "Tierra is one of the most miserable people I have ever met.  I hate that bitch."

And now here we are, on the street.  Pringles is all "you look so cute today!!" and wonders to the camera if he will see the "sweet girl" he knows and loves, or the "girl that everyone else sees."  Pringles, if you even have to ask yourself that question, you should be running away.

As Tierra twinkles up at Pringles, we are trying to listen, but having such a hard time because it is a STEEL DRUM.  This Viewer cannot abide by a steel drum.  It is worse than the Ultimate Abomination of Music Kind:  the Jazz Flute.  We secretly wish that jazz concerts were advertised with such disclaimers as: "No Jazz Flute Was Used In the Making Up This Set" or "Xylophone Free at 3 pm."  But back to the steel drum:  it will not stop.  And it is seriously distracting all of us at the BNU from Tierra's commentary on how much she "loves shopping" and Pringles knows "just where to take her" -- which is apparently to a stand that sells dried shrimp on a string, masquerading as shell necklaces.

Tierra is all pleased because Pringles buys her an "eternity bracelet" symbolizing eternal love.  We are not pleased because we see a bunch of P.O.Cs, and they are of course either a) street vendors, or b) dressed up in all manner of feather and stilt to dance in a street parade.
"Those crazy black people," mutters ABe.
This Viewer secretly wonders if Cee Lo Green is going to pop out from behind a bush.

Tierra and Pringles munch on snow cones [voice over to how Tierra is miserably hot but not showing it].  Then, Pringles does something stupid:  he mentions that the "other girls" have talked to him about her.  Really, Pringles?  REALLY?  Tierra Firma talks quickly about how she would not present herself any differently if she had this whole experience to do over, and the other "girls" won't be here for long anyway, while not-so-silently also making a list of who she will Cut First.

At dinner, Tierra continues her campaign, noting that "there was a little distant from you" [KMu:  "What?  Distant?"] on their date, and that she feels she is "behind the game."  As she puts the screws to Pringles with a smile on her face and then seals the deal with a whispered "I'm falling for you," KMu speaks for us all:
"While I am disappointed that this apparently still works on Pringles at his age, Tierra is really That Girl from high school."
In the end, Pringles concludes that he has misjudged her, and had an amazing date.  Headdesk.

Back at Kellerman's lodge, date card #3 has now arrived for Hillshire, Desiree Who Should Be Black, and the Genera's Daughter.  "Love is on the horizon" it says.  The Democrat is all happy because this means she has the final 1:1 date.  This viewer is upset because we didn't realize there were four dates on this episode, which will NEVER END.

Pringles begins date #3 by waking the women up at 4:42 a.m. with a camera because he wants to see what they look like without makeup.   Pringles would be in for a sad disappointment with this Viewer, as the last time we wore makeup for any length of time was sophomore year of high school.  That two weeks was just too strenuous to continue such efforts.  But these women are horrified:  they hide their faces, they worry over what Pringles will think.  We secretly think good for him, except bringing a camera was a little shitty.

So Pringles is taking his three lucky ladies on a road trip from coast to coast of St. Croix.   They first watch the sun come up at Point Udall, which is the eastern most point of the US, thereby making them the first four people to watch the sun rise that day.  "It's not every day you get to be the first person to watch the sun rise!"  says Pringles.
Yeah, unless you are a lawyer.  Or writing this damn blog.

Soon, they are cavorting from a stone building at "Sugar Mill" to playing with a donkey at "Cafe" in St. Croix,  and swinging around a giant tree house in . . "Treehouse."  Okay, we secretly wanted to be a member of Swiss Family Robinson as a child, and so it is at this point that This Viewer would bag the Bachelor and just move in.  But the women have other plans, and also, are feeling crotchety that Desiree WSBB keeps stealing all of Pringles' attention.

At last we are on a beach, and we think that the date will soon end because Pringles is now siphoning the women off individually for 1:1 time.  First up is the General's Daughter, who he is "crazy about." [ everybody drink].  Next up is Hillshire, who states that if he is going to meet her family, he should know that her father will not be present because he lives in China now, has struggled with depression, and attempted suicide in front of her at age 14.   We feel bad for Hillshire, who has clearly had a rather tough few years age 12-14, and also appreciate that she was matter-of-fact and not dramatic about it.   Pringles, on the other hand, only thinks of himself:

"Hillshire must have been worried because she sees how strong my relationship is with my father, and was worried that I wouldn't like it if she wasn't close with hers."

Asshat.

After a final 1:1 time with Desiree WSBB, Pringles gives the General's Daughter the one and only rose that will be handed out in this episode prior to the rose ceremony.  His stated reason?  Because she has been "consistent."  Sexy.

We are at last on Pringles' date #4 with the Democrat.  "I hope our love stands the test of time," says the date card.  And just like that, we know she is doomed.  And this is our thing:  We really like the Democrat. Each week, our stock in her soars a little higher, except now she is wearing a white tank top with a salmon micro-mini covered in salmon-colored mullet chiffon.  "You look like a movie star" says Pringles.  We secretly wish they were wearing their salmon bottoms together, because that would be *awesome.*

We don't really know what to say about this date, which is basically picking some avocados and then sitting under a tarp to talk.  Pringles says that their relationship isn't advancing as fast as the others, which is why he wanted this date.  The Democrat, on the other hand, feels things getting stronger between them every date.  We worry for her, and are convinced that she will get The Axe when Pringles states that she still seems nervous to talk to him and won't look him in the eye when they are talking.  Uh oh.  We would fully support The Democrat's run for Bachelorette later in 2013.

And just like that, we are once again at the main event, or what is supposed to be the main event except we are too annoyed/tired to write about it.  Pringles' sister, Shay, comes to visit.  And like our sister Shay-Shay (a/k/a SHa) is wont to do, Shay brings a dose of reality with her.  But not before this happens:

Pringles:  "Shay has a husband and children, which is what I want too."
ABe:  "This show suddenly makes more sense."

So Shay asks Pringles if there is anyone he sees himself with, and he says all six of them.  Which, as KMu sagely puts it, means that none of the remaining women are the right ones for him.  But Shay brings us all back to the task at hand:  "I don't want to be watching this show later on and be like 'don't pick That One,' Sean. . . . only to see you pick That One," otherwise known as The Girl that Everyone Dislikes.  "Good point," says Pringles. "Let me go get Tierra for you to talk to."

As Pringles goes back to the house to pick up Tierra, there is an Epic Battle brewing between PK and Tierra, who feels that PK has sabotaged her.   We don't even know why PK tries, as it will only Bring Down The Pain.  But she does, and soon they are skreetching like two feral racoons, and Tierra is offering Words of Wisdom and Truth Such As But Not Limited To the Following;
1) "Women are just jealous of me.  Men love me."
2) "I know in my own skin that I am not rude."
3) "I cannot control my face."
4) And the winner:  "My parents told me that I have a SPARKLE.  And they told me not to let this take my sparkle away."

To quote on of this viewer's favorite movies, Pam Shore's broken both her legs and Sean wants to dance with you, Tierra.

Pringles walks into the aftermath of this, as the women are all sitting in the living room as Tierra forces fake sobs out of herself from the cot in the corner.  Pringles is at once all concerned: "I don't understand why this is happening."
Tierra:  " This is so hard for me.  I'm so sensitive, and I have such a big heart.  I don't know how to take this whole process.  My date with you was weighing heavily on my heart because I felt that there was a person sabotaging my connection, and that person was PK, who is out to get me."

Give the lady a mike.

But finally, Pringles has had enough.  He says that he is "crazy about her" [everybody drink], and this is why it's time for her to go home now.  Tierra again flips her switch, informing him that she is NOT okay, and that he obviously didn't think enough of her, since he isn't keeping her around.  She cries in the limo about how "they did this to me" and she hopes the "girls got what they wanted."

As Pringles makes it back to Shay to explain how he just let Tierra go, we are simply thankful not to have to watch that brand of crazy for at least the remainder of this season.

At last we are at the rose ceremony.  The PK is wearing an off-the-shoulder yellow dress from about 1985, and Desiree WSBB is wearing a kelly green tablecloth.  Undeterred, and because we could completely see this coming he picks to join the General's daughter with roses:

1.  Desiree WSBB
2.  Hillshire
3.  PK.

Whoa, the Democrat goes home.  But the odd thing is that Hillshire is shattered, saying that if he is sending The Democrat home, who has tons in common with him, what possibly could Pringles want?  We suspect that she is terrified that he may actually want her.

Stay tuned for next week, when we get to meet the families of these fine young ladies.

-KLo

Pringles Part Six: Double Feature

Gentle readers, This Viewer is broken.  Bro.Ken.  And there is no earthly reason why ABC must force us to watch 4 hours of Bachelor in one week whilst also pretending to be an ass-kicking grown-up during the daylight hours.   It is "torture, seriously torture," in the words of Tierra.  But at any rate, at 9 pm last night (because god forbid ABC even have this double feature at its standard time), we found ourselves in Alberta, Canada, at Lake Louise.  Wine-check.  Pajamas-check.  Let's do this shit.  

 Pringles is wandering among the rocks and shale, moodily brooding over whether his Wife Is Here because the week in Montana went so badly.  We admire the beauty of Banff National Park.  We wonder if Pringles got all of his clothes for this episode from Land's End.  We like the End, but sometimes the men's sweaters remind This Viewer of her old gym teacher, who was a former chip-n-dale dancer before the Midwest swallowed him.

Blah blah the PK is talking about tension in the house, and if we have to hear one more word about Tierra This Viewer Is Going To Start Throwing Things.   Blessedly, the first date card arrives, and it is for Hillshire: "Let's find our fairy tale."  Great.

We next see Hillshire standing on a frozen tundra by herself, inadequately dressed as ice and snow starts to blow in off the mountains.   A few years ago (and babies, we are mean four years), this viewer bought a ski mask.  And we really didn't care if said masks are only intended for boys under the age of 5 or Thugs Too Cheap to Spring for Pantyhose.  We wore that mask with abandon to work, to the grocery, and unashamedly pulled that shit down over our face when we could not find our car in the parking lot because 45 minutes is Too Long To Be Expected to Remember Such Items.  We did this because it was 20 below zero with windchill. But here is Hillshire, in little boots and jeggings and a fashion coat.

"That girl looks 12 years old," says KMu.  "Her mother should have told her not to go out without mittens. Probably with those clippy thingies on them that attach to the coat."
"I need clippy thingies," says This Viewer.
"That is a different discussion," says KMu.

Soon Pringles pulls up in a giant tour bus.  They are going Into the Wilds, Jurassic-Park style!!  Suddenly, Hillshire is in an orange jumpsuit, and we cannot quite adequately describe how miserable these two human beings look. By this point, it is raining ice and snow sideways. Pringles' hair is white with ice.  His face is the color of Hillshire's jumpsuit.  Hillshire's face is bright pink.  And yet they are doing cartwheels, snow angels, sledding, walking on their hands, and then . . . drinking hot chocolate in an outdoor picnic.  In a blizzard.  "I haven't had hot chocolate since I was 4 years old!" says Hillshire.  Nine years goes by fast, Hillshire.  And also, this looks horrible and not fun.

But Pringles has more *fun* in store for Hillshire.  One hard edit later, and we are watching Hillshire descend the staircase at Chateau Lake Louise in (wait for it). . a tank top, chiffon white skirt, and summer sweater.  "Let's go back outside into the freezing cold!" says Pringles.  Hillshire is game, and the two soon climb into a waiting horse-drawn carriage.  Hillshire is swept away with The Romance, but all this viewer can think about is a few unfortunate days on Mackinac Island, a land without cars, surrounded by horse crap and fudge.  Babies, you do not want to ride a bicycle after a rain over there, unless you have a good bumper on your back tire, or the back of your shirt will look like a horse shit sideways.

Pringles leads Hillshire to an Ice Castle In the Ice for drinks and canoodling.  The brain of this Viewer, which still has not gotten over how inadequately dressed Hillshire is, sputters to a halt.  And then, we see it:  THE KITTY.  But not just any kitty, for it is, in the words of KMu:
"A kitty couch."
"A Kitty on ice."
"A Kitty in her lap through the window."

Let's just sit with that for a minute.  And Hillshire is game for sitting, as she nestles into The Kitty and tells a sad story about this one time, at summer camp at age 12 (so yesterday), a girl in front of her was killed by a falling tree on a hike.  This is legitimately awful, and we feel bad for her.  This experience apparently chrystalized her desire to have a family and not take things for granted in life, and she wants to be with Pringles because he appears to have the same goals.  We think Hillshire is well-spoken.  Or as Pringles sees it:  "sexy, intelligent, funny" and he is "crazy about her" (because we haven't heard that before).   She gets the rose.

Back at the ranch, date card #2 has arrived: "Let's bare ourselves."  And it is for:   Tierra, Squints, the PK, the General's Daughter, Princess Jasmine, the Democrat, and Drunk Daniella (who is upset because she's never gotten a 1:1 date).

Pringles is hoping to avoid drama on this date, which is about the stupidest thing this viewer has ever heard.  And we realize that this is the date that is supposed to be the Big Dramatic Thing That is Forcing Us All To Watch Two More Hours of the Bachelor, but we are unmoved.  This is what happens:

Pringles has the fun idea of making the women canoe across Lake Louise.   Because that worked well yesterday.  As there are six women, they end up three to a canoe plus The Democrat in Pringles' canoe.  After a while, Pringles lets Dems stop canoeing -- she can just "sit back and let him be a man."  Really?  We don't really want to see Pringles stretch out in his underpants and refuse to ask for directions to cross the lake.  But the Democrat is thrilled with this turn of events.  The others are, naturally, annoyed.

When they get to the other side (there is a joke in here somewhere), Pringles announces that they are going to have a once-in-a-lifetime experience:  taking the Polar Bear Plunge by jumping into Lake Louise.  A sour-faced 18 year old lifeguard and an EMT are on site in case anyone has a problem.  A few of the women are excited, but This Viewer personally enjoys Princess Jasmine's reaction the best:
Pringles:  "You don't have to do this, but its a once in a life time opportunity!!"
PJ:  "No it's not.  I can come back here and do this any time.  I just don't want to."
Princess Jasmine, for the win.

The next 15 minutes is blacked out by skreetching.  The last words we hear are from Drunk Daniella: "Sean is hot.  I'm hot.  Let's go be hot and cold together."  And then "IEIEISIIIIEIEIEIEIEI!!!!!" until suddenly, and we know this is a Completely Unexpected Turn of Events, Tierra pretends to have hypothermia.  Oh!  She is dying!!! Oh!! Her mascara is running !!  She is carried into a wheelchair!! She is wheeled back to the ranch!!  She makes the EMT put socks on her feet while she eats a sandwich and then helps herself to an oxygen tube.  

Desiree Who Should Be Black and Hillshire, watching this all go down from the balcony of their suite, wonder who this possibly could be, and if one woman is down, how are the others?  They are perfectly fine. And also, Hillshire just spent an entire afternoon literally wearing no pants in the snow and ice, and she is fine.  We are so tired of this.  But Pringles is not, as he comes to visit Tierra in her bed before leaving for the rest of the group date.

At this point, we feel as though this group date is 800 years long.  We sit through a variety of 1:1 times, as Pringles tells The Democrat how much he "appreciates" her and Squints tells Pringles all about her family.  The General's Daughter tries to have an actual conversation with Pringles instead of just kissing him all the time, the women all seem to be getting along, and then. . . Tierra puts her allegedly frozen feet into heels, cakes on the slap, sprays herself with perfume, and waltzes in.  Crickets.   Pringles is happy to see her, but Thank God Almighty, The Democrat gets the rose on this date.

Finally, we are at date #3, with Desiree WSBB.  The date card?  "Don't be scared . . . to fall in love."   Except before this date, Pringles dumps Squints!!!  And for the first time, we think Squints handles this gracefully.  She has the Ugly Cry and admits that she feels embarrassed after Pringles leaves her, but she says all the right things and wishes him the best before doing so.  Squints, we hope you find love somewhere Not on reality tv that always edits you to make you sound like you're obsessed with having one arm.

Back we go to the date with Desiree WSBB.  They are hiking in the wilderness, and DWSBB feels like they are the "only two people in the world," and then Pringles promptly tries to annihilate them both by rapeling down a 400 foot cliff to a picnic down below.

 "What is up with the Fear Factor dating on this season?" wonders KMu for All Of Us.

The only interesting thing we learn during this date, is that Pringles was a male cheerleader in high school.  And also, he feels like their little adventure was "rewarding for" Desiree WSBB.
ABe:  "Rewarding because she got to spend time with him? "
KMu:  "I just want to say, this has been a really rewarding two hours for everyone."
We drink more wine.

This date continues in a teepee.  Pringles is wearing the Ugliest Sweater Known to HumanKind.  We don't even know how to describe this sweater, which looks like Pringles hung giant candy canes around his neck from far away, but looks like he got mud on it up close.  And we are sorry, gentle readers, but we truly stopped listening for the rest of this date, because we were That Tired.  All we caught was something about Desiree living in a tent and then a trailer as a kid because her parents didn't have money.
"Looking back, do you think your dad felt pressure?" asks Pringles.
We are mad at this question.  We are mad at the exclusion of Desiree's mother.  We are mad at Pringles for even ASKING if a parent felt pressure after this woman just told him that it was not a lifestyle decision.  We hope the dreamcatchers hanging behind Pringles hit him in the head.

Desiree WSBB gets the rose on this date.

And finally, we are at the rose ceremony.   Tierra is wearing a mullet dress with a kitty loosely hanging around her neck.  This fur piece seriously looks like something that belongs in This Viewer's shoe polish kit.  But the real story is that Princess Jasmine pulls Pringles aside, announces that kissing on national television will bring "shame upon my culture" . . and then does it anyway.   We think this is only going to end badly fro PJ.   But it also cannot possibly end well for the PK, who brings out a gray silk blindfold and begs Pringles to lead her anywhere in a jacked-up Trust Exercise.  Dammit.  We though 50 Shades was eliminated.  And also, we are having difficulty appreciating PK's Big Life Journey Towards Letting Go.
"All of these women need therapy," says KMu.

And in the end, to join Desiree WSBB, Hillshire, and the Democrat with roses, Pringles picks;
1.  General's Daughter
2.  PK, and . .
3. Tierra.

We think Princess Jasmine probably feels like a damn fool.  As she and Drunken Daniella go home, we wonder who will be eliminated next week . . .  in St. Croix.

Stay with me, babies.  We're heading towards the finish line.

-KLo.

Pringles Part 5: Soul Connection

When this viewer was in Junior High, our sister, SHa had this *amazing* shirt that looked like Mr. Peanuts' long tails.  It was button down.  It was cut to the midriff in the front, but with long tails in the back.  And the best part was that SHa would wear this shirt, which was something like dark green with black squishy polka dots, with a brooch and jeans jacket.  We can't really mock this shirt further because of some of the things This Viewer wore in the '80s, but the point of this story is that when Chris Harrison comes out to greet "the ladies" at the beginning of Pringles Part 5, and he is all "I'm an untucked button down!  Look how hip I am!" we whisper "darling, you have NO idea what hip is, for We Have Seen." 

Surprise!! The Harrison informs us that this week will be a 1:1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2:1 date in . . .. Montana!!! As the chicklets pack their bags, we are treated to an expansive view of mountains and rushing water.  This is all fine, except we wonder why ABC is playing Scottish folk music.  We think of Liam Neeson and wish he was the Bachelor.  ABe doesn't care:  "This is better than African Music from an African Choir," she mutters. 

First there are women on a plane.  Then there are women on a bus.  And finally, the women are at a lodge overlooking both sea plane and bus.  Princess Jasmine "wants to thank Sean for this," and for making all her dreams come true, because this is real life.  

Soon, date card #1 arrives, and it is for the General's Daughter!! "Let Love Soar," says it. "Ooooo," says the women. When Pringles comes to pick the Gen Dau up for this date, we are distracted by the huge plate hanging on an outside wall of the lodge, which makes it look like the women are living in a giant version of a miniature house because No One Would Do That To Their House Unless It Was A Dollhouse. And, when Pringles and the General's Daughter fly off into the woods on a helicopter, we think of the movie Outbreak.  We secretly hope they are taking a helicopter because Our National Safety Depends Upon their ability to shoot darts into the neck of an infected monkey in slow-motion. 

This date is nice, but meh. Pringles and the General's Daughter picnic in the wilderness, and she tells him that "its so crazy that I feel like I know you so well already."  [everybody drink].  They kiss.  He then asks what it was like growing up as an army brat, and she talks about how her father missed her whole adolescence because he was at war.  We feel bad for her.  And also, we suspect that our own father WISHED he missed   our whole adolescence.   

Back at dinner, we are distracted by a discovery:  The General's Daughter has a ginormous tattoo on the inside of her wrist.  We go cross-eyed trying to see what this is, so big and apparently ugly it is.  A dolphin? Bric-a-brac?  We cannot determine, and soon, we can no longer see because the General's Daughter has her leg slung entirely across Pringles and they are once again kissing.  She, of course, gets the rose but there is one more surprise that Whitefish, Montana has to offer!! And it is country singer Sarah Darling, in an impromptu concert in the middle of an abandoned street where a platform just happens to be placed for Pringles and the Gen Dau to dance!! 

". . .you have a heart like Indiana, a laugh like Louisiana . . " Ms. Darling croons. 

"This is why I hate country music," says ABe. 

Except this viewer doesn't, because she lived like, in Michigan.  And no one can live in the sticks of Michigan without developing a fondness for country music.  We suddenly recall caterwauling "Strawberry Wine" as our car barreled past farm fields.  We resolve not to quit our day job. 

But then, Ms. Darling starts singing about how "I wanna be your cigarette . ..I wanna linger on your breath," and this is our thing:  Some comparisons should not be made.   Por ejemplo, when This Viewer was in college, we won 5th place in some suspect national poetry competition.  And though we were published for free, we subsequently learned that others who had entered the competition could be published if they paid to enter.  And the consequent book of poetry that resulted, contained the following poem: 

SHE

had become, over the years, 

much like an old worn-out bra. 

Her white hair and white face and smile

resembled a faded eyelet whose flowers, though scattered, 

were still intact

save a few rubber-like whiskers. 

She was a woman capable of great strength

who carried firmly her own milky breasts

and gave an even firmer hug when she wrapped her arms

underneath my own and clasped her hands.

She was my grandmother,

and I had loved her for so long,

she had been my truest support for so long,

I could not part with her. 

But eventually, her metallic stronghold and elasticity

were loosed, and she was sucked into a natural freedom. 

Even though she is now gone,

she still suspends upon my shoulders,

and when I sag

she presses upon my back.

                                      [author's name redacted to protect the innocent]. 

Babies, Some. Comparisons. Should. NOT. BE. MADE.

And with that, we are off to date #2, which is the group date!! We lose track of the women on this date, but we think they are (red team): Princess Jasmine, Desiree WSBB, Squints, and the First Lady, and (blue team): the PK, the Democrat, Drunken Daniella, and Hillshire.  As the women arrive near a crick, and are handed red and blue "lumberjack" shirts, the following occurs: 

Squints:  "Is that a dog?"

Gentle viewers, there are four goats.  GOATS.  In little wooden kennels. Because guess what: we are doing a lumberjack competition!!  First we canoe!  Then we carry hay bales!  Then we saw through a log!  And then we milk the goat/dog!! And then, THEN, we drink the glass of goat milk and the first team to do so wins the rest of the date with Pringles!!! 

"I don't think that having one arm is going to hold me back today," offers Squints.  "Sister," we tell her, "you have bigger problems."

As the women race through each challenge, ABe speaks for us all:

"This is embarrassing.  As a human." 

And then, as Desiree WSBB chugs a glass of goat milk after (crisis!) the goat initially kicked it over, KMu echoes the refrain:  "I prefer my goat milk NOT straight from the teet." 

At last it is over, and the red team wins.  Blue team is "pissed," and red team doesn't care as they trot off to the rooftop bar.  The rest of this date Annoys Those Of Us at the BNU.  Firstly, there are all manner of Animal Backlit-By-Jekyll-And-Hyde lighting.  Look!  An indescript animal head with a splash of neon blue behind it!  Behold!  A tusk with a neon hot pink glow!  We try not to have a seizure. 

But more importantly, this part of the date may be summed up by:  A bunch of women try to "warn" Pringles about Women Who Are Not Here for the Right Reasons (*cough*Tierra*cough).  He gets annoyed because everyone is being so vague.  He decides to invite the blue team to come join the red team, even though blue team lost the challenge.  Blue team is excited, red team is in tears.  The Democrat wears a Polka-Dot Abomination.  The First Lady is going to cutta bitch.  Tierra Firma, who is NOT on this date, sneaks into it in order to remind Pringles that she is "sensitive" and wants to "follow her heart" with him.  The PK tells Pringles they have a "soooooooouuuuuulllll connection."   And in 1:1 time with Desiree WSBB, This Viewer hears Desiree WSBB tell Pringles that "A fairy told me"  something.  WTF.  ABe clarifies that she in fact said, "a fairy tale to me."  Oh.  Fairy Tale. 

 . . . AND . . . Drunken Daniella gets the rose, which we cannot but feel is the wrong move because she is wearing a puce dress and a sweater with giant ruffles. 

Off we are to date #3, which is the dreaded 2:1 date for Tierra Firma and Jackie the Makeup Lady. "Love is a Wild Ride!!" says the card.  And it is accompanied by another card from Chris Harrison:  "Two women, one rose. One stays, one goes.'" Jackie is toast. 

Tierra Firma, with the evil laugh we are all becoming tired of, crows that Jackie 'has no idea" that Tierra basically secured the rose on this date by sneaking into the last group date.  As they canter off on horses, Jackie's horse trails behind Tierra and Pringles, and Tierra vows to "ignore her."  And then, breaking ABe's Cardinal Rule (Though Shalt Not Tattle On the Other Women), Jackie wastes her 1:1 time on this date complaining about, and warning Pringles about, Tierra after initially stating that she does not gossip.  

At this point, This Viewer believes that none of these women should be getting roses.  If Pringles likes Tierra, that's his own Ox to gore.  If he likes someone else, he will pick that person.  MOVE ON, ladies. 

Tierra, as we anticipated, pulls it out in the end by telling a story about how she was with the same man for five years until he died in 2009 (so, she was with him through high school? Tierra Firma is only 24).  He was in an out of rehab, but she stuck with him.  Pringles is moved by this story, and feels like it explains why she is so vulnerable.  We secretly think it explains why Tierra is addicted to drama.   But in the end, Pringles gives Tierra the rose, and Jackie goes home with ANOTHER warning to "be careful" about the other women. 

At last, it is the rose ceremony.   As we survey the battle field, we think only two things; 

1) If stuffed turkeys could talk, the one in the corner would have a mouthful. 

2) Tierra Firma is going to show us ladybit any minute.  We wish she would utter the affirmation declared by baby EMu just this evening, so that we could all rest easy:  "I have underwear in my pants!!!"

We are exhausted by this rose ceremony.  There are more pitched battles between Tierra and the other women.  The First Lady, Democrat, and Hillshire all confront Tierra, which is unbelievably pointless as Tierra already has a rose and none of the three others do.  Tierra goes apeshit.  Other women warn Pringles about Tierra.  We just stop listening after awhile until Pringles tells Chris Harrison that the entire week in Montana did nothing to help him clarify whether His Wife Is Here Or Not.  

And in the end, with doubt weighing Heavily Upon Him, Pringles picks to join the General's Daughter, Drunken Daniella, and Tierra with roses: 

1.  Princess Jasmine

2.  Hillshire

3.  The Democrat

4.  The PK

5. Squints, aaaaand

6.  Desiree WSBB

It was a wild ride, First Lady, but you already lasted one episode longer than any other POC.  

Stay tuned for tonight, when we relive the torture again. 

-KLo