Big Daddy Part 4: In Which He Pitches a Tent

One thing is clear as we start Episode 4: Shannon/HC would like nothing more than to boil Big Daddy's bunny, become the single white female in his life, and tell him how well she can predict his every movement while possibly covering his mouth with some manner of moth. We cannot escape her teeth. Teeth and a worried/territorial expression. Particularly when we learn that in order to win the 1:1 date with Jason this week, the women have 30 minutes to write an original song for him. "I watched every single episode of the Bachelorette," says she. "I know he did a rap song for Deanna, so I'm going to do one too." Oh dear is she channeling Drew Barrymore a la the awkward poem moment in Never Been Kissed? "Does he know I like him? Does he know I care?"

How could HC be so foolish? She couldn't POSSIBLY win this challenge because Lauren "has a good ear for music. And also, I know about song structure. So my song is going to be more melodic. Like something professional, that you might hear on the radio." We saw Miss America, babies. We know of the slightly flat sounding mediocrity that is "I took six weeks of singing lessons as an alternative to gym class when I was 14 and now I think I'm Mariah Carey." We grit our teeth and take another sip of wine. We do not like Lauren. But speaking of beauty queens and wine, we suggest that Nikki also self-medicate. She is so tightly wound that she comes completely unhinged at the thought of singing. She's a crying, frozen mess. She's "way too much of a control freak to do this." She hates singing and would rather have a tarantula crawl up our arm. The Mus want to know if this is Fear Factor Bachelor: You can either sing or eat this bucket of worms.


Big Daddy comes in for the competition, and it is GAME ON. Stephanie is wearing her war paint. We love that girl, but damn. She needs to step away from the blush-matching-hot-pink-shirtstripes-matching-earrings situation. It's called an accent, Steph. Not a flare. Anyway, Sweet Mary and Joseph, we have never seen a more unskilled group of people since the swing dancing Amish. First we have Melody singing about Jason and her going together like . . . fast food. HC sings her rap song under the guise of her "street name:" Shanaynay. Melissa the cheerleader rhymes the word "blimp" and not with pimp or limp or anything else awesome. We think she says "sip" or something. Jillian is terrible but we love her and her cowboy boots. Stephanie warbles all over the living room. Friendly Skies sounds reasonably decent. And then there is Our Mother Megan: "There might be baby makin.' I'm sure I won't be fakin.'" Oh OMM, we are going to enroll you in some manner of Brett Michaels/Tila Tiquila Charm School that we are sure is around the corner. But all hail the chief, as Lauren is About to Sing Her Totally Original And Not Ripped Off From Any Major Pop Song At All Song:

"Lying here all alone;
Wonderin' if I should go home.
But when I see your face.
It all falls into place."

....and I see your true colors, shining through. True colors, and that's why I loooooove you. Of course, Nikki starts to CRY again as she frantically fans herself to "stop" from crying. And then she sings some song for her unborn child. You know, "I hope your dreams are full of fun," because I am too uptight to have any and so that's the only place you're gonna get it.

In the end, the rose goes to Molly for the 1:1 date. Lauren bares her teeth: "It was supposed to go to the best song. But I had the best song and I didn't get it." I want a golden goose and I want one now!!! Nikki has bigger concerns: "the 2:1 date would be DEATH."

Molly is all excited about her 1:1 date as we are frantically trying to remember who she is. Oh yes, the 24 year old "department store buyer" or something. We flash to her at work: "Dammit, Ricky, the roll back stickers go on the left." They get to stay home on this date, having a romantic picnic of burgers and fries while awkwardly reclining on the Suite of Sultan pillows that ABC arranged on Big Daddy's porch. We mentally review the "choking hazards" portion of our first aid training and really wish they would sit up to eat. She gives some some impassioned speech about how she's "done a lot in her life" (what, like graduate college?) but is now "ready for a serious, committed relationship." He is totally not listening, as he is "lost in her eyes" and swoops in for a kiss.

But the date doesn't end there, gentle readers. She dons his clothing and they turn campfire s'mores into flaming balls of marshmallow. He humbly asks her if she's up for dating a guy who was divorced and now has a child. She gives another impassioned speech about how seeing Big Daddy with Ty is like having a "crystal ball" to see how he is with children. She wants a husband just like him. (she is 24. TWENTY FOUR). And while we acknowledge that Molly is more articulate than the rest of the "girls," relatively speaking, we are unprepared for what happens next. "So. . . wanna camp out for the night." She's all "sure!" as they climb in the conveniently awaiting tent. Smack slobber gasp sigh 'oh-your-skin-is-so-smooth' pant smack slobber.

Poor HC, who has resolved to "stay up and wait for Molly" (read: measure how long Molly is out with Big D so HC can totally stress about it later as she calculates how bad she has to cut the b*tch to make sure it doesn't happen again). Of course, Molly comes home in his clothes at like, 8 am. Melissa the cheerleader is mad: "I don't like that she smells like him and is wearing his pants!!!" We don't really care as we are wondering where all the matching blue polka dot bathrobes suddenly came from.

Time for the group date!! Jillian, Lauren, Shannon, Megan, Melissa and Friendly Skies get to "play doctor" omg omg omg on the set of General Hospital!!! Ok we are not actually that excited, but we ARE interested in HC's determination to kiss him because "last time he saw me, I was crying and vomiting." And also, why does Big Daddy's t-shirt say "save some?" Was this his message to Molly last night? Is ABC pinning a note to his shirt to remind him that he has to keep a couple of these women around or there won't be a show? HC is ready. Wielding a fake army knife, she tells we viewers: "I have SUCH a crush on Jason." She gets to demonstrate a stage kiss. ew.

So we have a whole bunch of little vignettes, all of which involve copious amounts of kissing because we all know that this is really about Jason auditioning the women to see who kisses like a fish. So Friendly Skies is a french maid and Lauren gets to slap people around (so fitting) and Jillian has this fabulous miss piggy wig that looks horrible on her but that she also wears all day long. We heart Jillian. And then. . . Our Mother Megan, in some gauzy thing, unhinges her jaw and swallows Big Daddy whole. He is completely terrified, but she gets all misty because "it's been a really long time" since she was "kissed." I mean, at least 14 months, as that is how old her INFANT SON IS.

Back at the ranch, Nikki is once again stressed out. She wants to "be a mom sooooooo bad. It's not fair. I should have married my ex boyfriend. I should have a kid by now." Nikki is coming unhinged. No more wire hangers!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!

But still on the date, Friendly Skies totally plays the Big Dumb Man card, as she sits poetically in the corner, looking sad, while all the other women talk to Big Daddy in a group at the post-General Hospital wrap party. Big Daddy yields to the yank on his tether and wanders over to her, "what's going on? let's go talk, lay it on me." Friendly Skies tearfully tells him in her whispery baby voice that tonight is rough for her, that she sees a connection between him and other people, and it's hard. He reassures her and then my god, we are suddenly on the Trail of Tears. Melissa the cheerleader is crying to him. . .followed by making out. Our Mother Megan is crying to him (after telling the viewers to "man up.") She wants to tell him how "perfect" they would be, but that would be "straight crazy," ya'll. Speaking of...HC cries all over Big Daddy too. "You can't let me go. I have so much to offer you. Ja. Son. I'm not letting you let me go. I am putting my heart on my shoulder (wtf?). I want to be a mother. I want you to come home with me." And then she eats a napkin. After picking her nose with it. She tries to kiss Big Daddy, but he is more interested in picking the napkin off her tongue. ew.

We are most interested in Lauren, who has morphed into her dominatrix alter-ego: The Teacher. "Some people LIKE to be dominated," she says. "I need a little bit more from you, Jason. You didn't do what I said before, did you? You didn't give me the rose on the last group date, did you? If anyone else gets it on this date, I will be pissed." The Teacher likes order in her classroom, Big Daddy. The Teacher is not happy. The Teacher will Make You Pay.

This date ends with everyone drinking Boone's Farm (nothing in nature is that color) and Friendly Skies getting the rose. Lauren is mad.

And at last, we have the final 2:1 date, for Stephanie and Nikki. "Let's dance the night away," says the card. Stephanie, a former dance teacher, is all excited. Nikki is, of course, worried. You know, because "Stephanie had her chance. She had her man. She got a child with him. And then he tragically died. I want my turn now." WHAT?!? But oooo, at least they get to wear pretty gowns . . . which Molly has ruined by sharing the same shot, in her 1) black headband, 2) white oversized t-shirt, 3) black belt over said t-shirt, 4) black over-sized wrestling capris, and 5) black ballet shoes. We are dizzy. And terrified of Nikki.

So..."Deborah" the dance teacher gets to teach Steph, Nikki, and Big Daddy how to waltz. Nikki is panicked/worried/starts to cry again. "I'm not the best dancer. Maybe if I had choreography. Or weeks or months to prepare." Girl, you were Miss Illinois. You say you have no talent. You can't dance. You can't sing. WTF did you do up there? Organize a closet? Anyway, the women are cutting in on each other dancing left and right, but Stephanie gracefully bows out as Nikki asks for the last dance with Big D. Nikki only gets more brittle and chipper over dinner:

Big D: How difficult would it be to move to seattle?

Nikki: It'snotdifficultatall. TheonlypersonIhavetocareforisme. Ihavenochildren. Ihavenodog. Iwasinarelationshipfor11years. ItendedayearagosoIam TOTALLYoveritandreadytomoveon.

Big Daddy: Stop the press.

So he has this crazy 1:1 time with Nikki, which is necessarily limited by the ginormous chandaliers hanging from her ears, as she can only wear them for a few minutes at a time before her lobes are sliced open and we have a Medical Event. Gentle readers, she was "with the same person from 17 to 28." He woke up one morning and said he loved her but didn't want to marry her. She's only dated a few people since. But she's fine. She's really FINE people and GOD if SHE COuld JUst get Married it would ALL BE FINE.

Damn.

Stephanie is much more graceful with her 1:1, thanking Big D for this opportunity, for a door opening for her to walk through. Of course she gets the rose. Nikki goes home stunned. "I never saw this coming. This is such a shock. I don't know how much smarter I could have been. Or how much prettier." Honey, this is not a pageant. How about how much more RELAXED? We sort of feel bad for her.

And the rose ceremony is upon us. HC has chosen to wear various hanging baskets of tomatos, all tied together with macrame. Molly is wearing a side ponytail. As is Our Mother Megan, who is worried because she feels like she is "not competent right now because I didn't have a 1:1 date." Yes, we rewound it 3 times and that is in fact what she said. We are not clear on how an incompetent person gets to waltz with Big D. We would think he would be much more interested in Stephanie, who both 1) learned how to waltz and 2) forgot her top. AGAIN. And while we are a little scared of Jillian's dress (backless, strapless, tied somehow together), we love her for telling Big Daddy, when he asks if she is cold: "I'm from Canada. We're used to extreme weather. I'm never hot or cold." Go Jillian!!!

The Teacher, in the ugliest purple bejeweled flapper-meets-pillow-cover dress ever, tells Big Daddy that she will "give him a real slap if he doesn't follow orders" and give her a rose. Of course she will. "I want the other girls to go home because we're getting married!!!" she says.

We no longer know who is more unstable, as he picks (to accompany Friendly Skies, Stephanie, and Molly):

1. Melissa the Cheerleader.
2. Jillian.

This is a crisis! "I'm sorry, I can't do this," sayeth Big Daddy as The Teacher, HC, and Our Mother Megan stand there in shock. He has refused to hand out the last rose! Oooopa!!! As she says goodbye, HC whispers "your life is out there," to Big Daddy and tells us all how excited she is to use her electric toothbrush and french kiss her dog. Yes, french kiss. Her dog.

Stay tuned for next week, when Big Daddy takes the remaining 5 women to Seattle and it is the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever.

KLo.

Big Daddy Part 3: She's So Vain, She Probably Thinks this Blog Is About Her

Shoo bee doo zha zha zha episode three begins with department store jazz and a glistening rose in the morning light as Chris Harrison wakes the women up with the big announcement that, like last week, there will be one group date and two individual dates . . . but not everyone will get a date! Except we don't care because DAMN, Friendly Skies is wearing some sort of knit hat over one eye and it is ug.ly.

But the first date is for Stephanie!!! Ok, so while we are still having issues with the botox and the receding eyebrows, we hope she makes it to the Bitter End because she is Fabulous and deserves someone great. Even if her scarf is like "Mrs. Snuffleupagus got a Hot Pink Weave."

It is, naturally, a date on the eve of 4 year old Sophia's birthday. And while Stephanie has never been away from her for this long, she is hoping that it pays out in the end for both of them. Looking bad for her prospects, Jason says, "no matter what happens, Stephanie will always have this date." Because we all want a Bachelor who is modest.

But one cartwheel on the sand later, Sophia comes running out of the rocks and smashes into Stephanie. Both bite the dust, with Sophia's hat falling off and neck snapping back. We worry that this date was ABC's idea more than Big Daddy's. We also hurt for baby Sophia and thank god that children are resilient. And then we realize that we don't have the energy for said children as we see Big Daddy, Stephanie, and Sophia running. . . and running. . . and running through the sand. And through the park. And to the car. And on and on and good lord we are tired just watching. We resolve to say to our imaginary children: "no you go ahead, we'll catch up." But wait, even though Sophia is now in a princess outfit for her birthday, we are totally jealous because they take her to LegoLand!!!! Talk about the best date ever!

We have to hand it to Stephanie, as Sophia seems to be a totally well-behaved kid despite the scotty-dog outfits and the princess dresses. Big Daddy notices Sophia's zest for life, and concludes that she would get alone with Ty well. Sayeth Kmu, "Stay tuned for next week, on 'The Little Bachelor....'"

Somewhere around the 100th Jerry McGuire swing-the-kid thing, Stephanie gets the Lego Rose. Oh, what memories of Richard the Science Teacher and his origami rose (R.I.P., Richard) from Season Double D. We like Stephanie. "Where one family is broken, one family can be made" says she. Oh!

Meanwhile back at Chez LadyBits, the next date card arrives for Shannon/HC, Friendly Skies, Melissa the cheerleader, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Jersey Erica, and Megan. "Let's get busted for a good cause." oh dear. Big Daddy is all pumped to spend the day with "eight beautiful women for something different" after his "family-oriented date" with Stephanie. We get sort of huffy on Stephanie's behalf . . . until sweet jesus: everyone apparently got the memo to air their bits to the wind. Melissa's ovaries are jubilant ("Free at last!! Free at last!! Go towards the light!!!") as she minces out in quite possibly the shortest dress ever. It is purple. It is silkity. It is cinched at the waist . . oh wait, I mean hooha. Megan decided to wrap hers up in Victoria's Secret gift tissue and put a giant bow on it. Kari, whom we still can't remember, has gone amock with a bedazzler. We feel a bit dirty and like we've just witnessed the Next Big Craze: Grillz for Your Hillz.

Anyway, "surprise," they will be making papier mache busts for a Save The TaTas campaign. Blah blah the women are all giddy about rubbing baby oil all over Jason for his bust. Shannon/HC "likes to stare at him." " Yeah," says Kmu, "with binoculars from behind a bush." Of course, the undressing of the women happens behind some sort of transparent backlit screen. Can Big Daddy come back there? Sure! Everything is covered and Melissa is "having a good boob day." What? But Jillian is content in her own skin. And Our Mother Megan of I'llCutHer says she would "stand in the middle of the street naked and be casted if it would help someone else." We wonder if Big Daddy gets to take the busts into the Deliberation Room with him for the rose ceremony.

And then come the decorations. Kari, whom we STILL don't remember, wants to bedazzle hers in rhinestones (how fitting). But Our Mother Megan. Oh oh oh Megan. "I kinda wanta put a fetus on the breast because fetuses feed off the breast, right?" We pity the poor Save the TaTas supervisor. "Can you breast feed after a mastectomy?," Megan asks. "Um, no." says this supervisor as she slowly back away. We now know how Megan got pregnant: She failed 8th grade health. But OMM is on a role: "I don't think people understand my depth or where it comes from. Yes I am an artistic person, but really I just have depth. If everyone's gonna have breast cancer and our children can't be breastfed, then our future is screwed." Is she drunk?

So we suffer through a montage of 1:1 time with various women, who are now back in their bits-baring dresses. Melissa precariously perches with her legs over his legs and reveals that she had a breast reduction at age 17 because she was a 20FF (good god). Shannon is all stressed because the other women are better "conversationists," so she settles for a creepy "hiiiii" and big clingy hug with Big D in the middle of the crowd. But Our Mother Megan is now unstoppable:

Big Daddy: "What were you thinking of when you were decorating your bust?"
OMM: "I was thinking of other people. I live my life to serve other people. I am a role model to other girls. I don't mind doing it. I love it. It's the most rewarding thing. But going a week or 10 days where I've not helped people, and without anyone thanking me or appreciating me or praising god that I'm in their lives is driving me crazy."

Let's just let that one sink in.

Anyway, so 1:1 time with Nikki is terrifying. Only confirming that he has kept her around for her "assets," -- which have now been memorialized in plaster so he can send her home already -- she completely runs out of things to talk to Big D about because she's so concerned about being "perfect." Jillian's time is much more normal, as they talk about their thoughts on marriage. Somewhere in here, Friendly Skies complains about her bust because "my boobs are a little lopsided and my waist is a little thick." And the final rose goes to....Jillian!!! Yay!!! Nikki is all upset: "I know I'm pretty. I know I'm smart. But pretty and smart is not enough. You have to be funny AND natural. I've never cried so much in all my life." We have a pot/kettle moment with Nikki and her high-stress, over-scheduled ways, even if she does say really stupid things.

But get ready to rumble, babies, because Danutalie got the last date!! "Wear your best dress and I'll do the rest." Oh NO. When Big D arrives to pick Danutalie up, she is STILL getting ready. She can't decide on shoes to match her little strapless number. She has to spray some weird stuff on her legs. She is still packing. But who cares!! A scary looking man walks in with a suitcase chained to his wrist and surprise! It's $1 M in jewels for her to wear!! Big Daddy is all excited that Danutalie is rocking the jewelry, but is she ready for more of a life commitment or is she still into being single and fun in Chicago? Only time will tell, babies.

Off they go in a huge SUV to . . . to catch a private Jet . . . to get in a helicopter ride of Las Vegas. "What is the carbon footprint of this date?" wonders PMu. Danutalie is playing with her hair a LOT. Big D has "already fulfilled her first fantasy date: letting me go shopping and try on whatever I wanted." But now: "Ooo, look at the reflection of the diamonds in the window of the helicopter!" Danutalie decides they should elope in Vegas. Shoot me now.

Except Jason is not giving up. Oh, he's all jazzed to be going into the restaurant with her and knowing that she's the girl every guy wishes he had on his arm. Oh, he's so attracted to her, but he keeps "hoping there is more." Guess what, babe, there ain't:
Big D: "Tell me about yourself."
Danutalie: "Oh, I'm just a sporty, flash girl who likes new clothes."
Big D: "But what else?"
Danutalie: "well, I am really into bears. I once had a bear named Fuzzy when I was a kid and my whole family was depressed when I lost it at the store because I was so depressed. It even made the news and stuff [read: I threw such a tantrum that it made the news]. "
. . . And then later: "The most surreal moment of this date for me was seeing all the things created by nature."

Ok, we will not judge a girl who has stuffed animals because we still hold the hand of our Ewok to go to sleep when we are upset. Except daaaaaamn, Danutalie, at least throw in something about "the Iraq." We suffer through a private performance by some person named Kate Vogel who we secretly wish was Amy Winehouse because wouldn't THAT just add flavor as Danutalie and Big Daddy dance (having given up talking) and Danutalie strokes his head with the palm (not fingers) of her hand. Creepy. And then... he dumps her!!! "I really wish I could give you this rose, but I just don't think we have enough commonalities/you are ready/etc etc etc."

Danutalie goes APE. "I'm sick of being stereotyped because of my appearance."
Big D: "You're appearance is what makes it impossible not to be attracted to you."
Danutalie: "I know that too."

But she is just warming up--she has "explored herself," gentle readers, and is ready to "settle down and have children." She doesn't understand what possible commonalities she and Big D could not share. She is furious that she has to take off the jewels (news flash: they weren't yours to begin with, Danutalie). I mean, frankly, Danutalie: "doesn't mean to sound conceited, but I has a lot going on. I'm super-attractive. If you didn't feel a connection with me, like, who do you think you are, God?" And/or any sane man that any of the rest of us would want to date.

Thank god that Danutalie is gone, even if we must suffer through the women squeeling as her bags leave the house.

At last, it is Le Rose Ceremony. We are all annoyed at Big Daddy because Danutalie trashed the other women on her Return to the Gates of Hell, and now Big D is all freaked that there are mean people in the house. So what does he do? He asks the other women who is "good" and "bad." Dear boy readers: Don't (a) take anything that a woman like Danutalie says with a grain of salt when you just dumped her boney ass, and (b) don't ask the other women competing for your heart for advice on "who is there for the right reasons." I mean, just don't. But we are pleasantly surprised by Friendly Skies, who sidesteps the question by saying Danutalie was just angry and can't they talk about their own relationship instead of the other women? Molly, wearing dream catchers for earrings, reveals after HER conversation with Big Daddy that Danutalie "did a lot of name dropping," which instantly makes Our Mother Megan think it's her. But then there's Lauren. We decide we don't like Lauren at all because she says really mean things with a brittle smile pasted on her teeth. And also, she is wearing every candle accent stone in Pier One as a necklace. Lauren confirms that the drama-makers are Our Mother Megan and Jersey Erica, which of course OMM gets upset about because she snuck into the bushes to overhear. OOOO.

Blah blah Nikki has half her bosoms hanging out and says again that she is super-organized with back up plans to back up plans to back up plans . . . which scares the crap out of Big Daddy, though we know he'll keep her on because he thinks she's pretty. Blah blah Shannon/HC tells Big Daddy through her tears that "last season, when I saw you with Deanna, I just wanted to jump through the television and, like, BE with you." Somehow Big Daddy thinks this is sweet rather than a Red Flag, and we again understand how he ended up on this show. Blah Blah Stephanie thanks him for the wonderful date. We decide that we are on Team Stephanie/Jillian. May the best one of these two win!!! But WTF, is Melissa wearing formal shorts??? We don't like her anymore. You are one satiny coulot over the line, sister.

Still in the deliberation room, Big Daddy is in crisis about women being there for "the wrong reasons." When he emerges, Chris Harrison gives the "ladies" an opportunity to vent their spleens about this issue, which is just too boring and painful to recap EXCEPT that Shannon/HC gets very upset by all of these meanness and vomits all over (hmm, sounds like this viewer's work Christmas party, because there really isn't a better time to get the flu other than in front of one's coworkers at a fancy event). Which we have to hear (but not see). On stereo.

And he picks to join Jillian and Stephanie:
1. Molly
2. Lauren (noooooooo)
3. Melissa of the formal shorts
4. Friendly Skies
5. Shannon/HC who KISSES Big D (ew ew ew ew )
6. Nikki
7. Our Mother Megan of I'llCutHer, who is all "Stop it right now!" Yes, please do, Big D.

Jersey Erica and Kari get the axe! We understand Kari, who takes it like a champ because she really didn't put herself out there and so is not surprised. But of course, Jersey Erica blames it all on OMM.

Stay tuned for next week, when we are pretty sure Stephanie blows her chances by singing and Big Daddy takes the women to the set of General Hospital, where he "can't wait to play doctor." Ew.

K

Big Daddy Part 2: 'Til Death Do Us Part

The season of Big Daddy is majorly sucking wind as we head into Part 2. Blah blah, BD in the shower. Blah blah Nikki really stood out (pan of the "girls" waiving hello out of some dress). 15 women move into the house and encourage Jason to "take it off." Oh Oh, rubbing sun tan lotion into his "bare shoulders and chest was a gift." We are so unimpressed.

As Big D is packing Ty up to go visit his mother, the women prepare to move into the Bachelorette pad. It's the same house that bachelorettes from seasons of yore have used. "I hope they changed the sheets," sayeth KMu. True dat. But WTF is up with the white Christmas tree wearing boots? And also, why is Melissa the cheerleader wearing mini-gongs for earrings? We hurt for her lobes. Fortunately, Stephanie of the "tragically killed husband" is looking less severe .....even when TA DA!! Chris Harrison reveals that not all of the women will be going on a date every week!! Naomi the 24 year old flight attendant is stressed: "It definately sucks for, like, those who don't get to go out on dates!" We secretly hope that is Naomi.

But then, Shannon aka "Hello Clarice" obsessed dental hygenist strikes back. Ok, so once upon a time we had to fanny around as a bird for this show. It was a dark time, filled with many school auditoriums and punctuated by pain whenever the errant "I'm a bird -- you can tell by my sparkles" glitteratti encroached upon eyeball territory. Yet here we were again, blinded by a thousand points of light that was Shannon's glittery swimsuit. Like two styrofoam balls dipped in glue and cheap silver shavings was this swimsuit. Like homemade silver pasties at a midwestern gentleman's club fits this swimsuit. We are nervous.

Sloooowly, to the tune of last season's "big proposal of the final episode" music, Big Daddy takes off his shirt (he has 'surprised' everyone at the pool -- even though -crisis- some of them "weren't wearing makeup."). Time. Stands. Still. Until PMu says, "holy boney asses." And it's so true, with the tramp stamps and the bizarre strappity swimsuits that make muffin-top into little pigs in blankets and the lady with the Star of David "pointing the way" on the bottom half of her bikini. The water volleyball game isn't pretty.

But soon, the "women" are pulling BD away for 1:1 time. Shannon/HC wants to "rub Big Daddy down," and pronounces that she is "ready to be a mom because all of my friends are pregnant." We suddenly feel like we have failed a logic test. Lauren, the government teacher, expresses her "inner anxiety"to le Daddy in a pink polka dot bikini as he rubs her leg. Ok so this is a bit creepy. A brief glimpse of Jillian the restaurant designer eating like a real person and talking about her hot dog theory is not sufficient for us to recover. She thought Big Daddy was a ketchup guy, gentle readers. A momma's boy. Fortunately, he was mustard, and not saurkraut. Because "if you're kraut, you're out."

And then: surprise, Jason *must* hand out a rose. "Please give this rose to the woman you want to share a romantic evening with," directs the card. But Big Daddy is surrounded by women, necks bobbling the Finding Nemo birds "mine mine mine mine." Jason panicks and places the rose 'as far away as possible," 'lest he be pecked to death. Except now Naomi/Friendly Skies is only more determined to have alone time. She is "drawn to" Big Daddy's "charity work" and announces that she "works with orphans." We are pretty sure this means that she helped an orphan find the correct gate once. HC throws an ice cube at Naomi and Jason to break up the couple, and we decide that we really like Nikki because she advises Stephanie how to gracefully interrupt Big Daddy's 1:1 time with Natalie (who we don't like. none of us.) by bringing him a drink. Unfortunately, Stephanie bombs this particular challenge and is left to drink both drinks in the corner. We wonder if this is because she is wearing a doily, but we appreciate her good humor.

The rose goes to Jillian!! Hurrah!!! Kari, who we still know nothing about, says something we don't notice because we are staring at her horsey hair, all straight up and poofity (booo). Natalie, who was "sure" she was going to get the rose, runs crying into the bathroom. Raquel, the Brazilian medical student, goes chasing after her like, "dude, don't let little things get to you." Sayeth Natalie: "That could have been me, but WHATEVER." But the prize goes to Lauren, who is "a little disappointed because I'm a competitive girl. I've done pageants. I like to win things." But then she is all happy NOT to have gone on the date because: "Oh my god, I wouldn't have known what to do with so little time to get ready. I would have had to wear my hair curly. That would have totally sucked. Or I would have had to wear it in a ponytail. I'm glad it wasn't me." Lauren is a tard.

So the date with Jillian is fabulous -- a private dinner and dance at the Disney Center, which Jillian is all jazzed about because she's interested in architecture. Except that Big Daddy feeds her chocolate covered strawberries. Ew ew ew and down with chocolate-covered strawberries, the high class version of the Jujy Fruit, harbinger of dating death. We are vaguely horrified, waiting for the smeary chocolate seedlings to take root in J-dawg's teeth. Fortunately, she sidesteps this disaster by catching a chunk of berry as it falls towards her dress and smoothly commenting, "I really didn't think you'd be this cool." Love it. This date seems to progress well, despite the horror that is Robin Thicke crooning "I got it, you got it, we got it baby" and "sweet sweeettttt sweeet sweeeeetttt you are my swweweweeeet delight" as they dance awkwardly and kiss. We are so glad we are not on that date, as we would be laughing helplessly in the corner, having chucked every last strawberry at Mr. Thicke.

Back at Chez Bachelorette, Melissa the former cheerleader gets the next date card to "take our relationship to new heights." Megan the lacrosse coach, wearing a Pittsburg Steelers t-shirt (ahahaha) sends "I will cut you" vibes as Melissa sweats her preparation. But Mleader rolls her pants down 3 more times and stomps off when Jillian says that kissing Big Daddy really "took their relationship to a new level." Crackberrying furiously from home, viewer SArt says "of course it did, dipstick. You went from day 1 to day 2." We feel your pain, SArt, and it will only get worse, as we learn that Melissa "does not know how to date" because she was "in a relationship from AGE 15 TO AGE 22."

Ah, so this is ABC's formula: Perpetuating the myth of the sheltered (yet hot) maiden searching for life's purpose taking care of the child of an unlucky-in-love older man who will also unlock her womanly secrets and Teach her To Love. This all sounds like the The Greek Tycon's Secret Love Child and other Quality Fiction we *might* have read over Christmas break.

Anyway, Melissa is "like other women that Big D is attracted to": cute, fun, the life of the party, but not ready to settle down? Can she hack it, gentle readers? Only time will tell. Melissa chokes down oysters for this guy. She wants to be a 1st grade teacher and then "play with her kids" during the summer. She has always "danced," from wearing a tutu at age 3 to "dancing" for Dallas. Ok, Melissa you are peppy etc but if you equate being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader to the art that is dancing one more time WE are going to ice Megan and cut you ourselves. In your innermost heart, you know that athletic team dancing is really leaping around in stirrup pants with a flag/rifle/pom-pom/farm implement, so just back off sister.

But this date seems to be going well. As Big Daddy and Mleader are sitting on the beach, the GoodYear blimp wanders by saying "h e l l o M e l i s s a." Oh, it's like a Magic 8 ball!!

MLeader: "Will I get a rose, Mr. Blimp?"
Blimp: "T o o e a r l y t o t e l l."
MLeader: "Will I get a kiss?"
Blimp: "S i g n s p o i n t t o y e s."
*smack slobber*

Big Daddy takes Mleader on a ride in the blimp. Ooo, she says she is so happy to "see LA in a way that no one has ever seen LA." Except for everyone else in a blimp/small air craft/helicopter tour.

Finally, it is the last date, for Natalie (booo), Erica, Friendly Skies, Nikki, Lauren, Kari, Sharon, and Molly. "Let's put the glam in Hollywood glamour." We silently add: "And see which of you ditches me for the camera." It is probably better that we don't write for ABC. But this is where we really REALLY don't like Natalie. We have determined that she is the new Danushka from Season Charlie. "Taking me to the store and telling me to go crazy is like taking me to the mothership," says Natalie. Maybe the mothership could tell her to wear a shirt, as her black bra is hanging out of her white top. We don't care if this is supposed to be high fashion. It looks like a Long Johns Silver patron in middle-america.

So Big Daddy is wearing a vest over a t-shirt (damn you, George Michael) as he leads the now-gussied-up women to a little boutique hotel to "talk." Erica is like True Life: I'm a Jersey Girl as she sizes up the competition. Every woman is a threat to Erica because her ex left her for a 52 year old woman. What?!? We wonder if this is "The Greek Tycon's Secret Love Child Part 2: In Which He Realizes He Really Ought to Be with Someone His Own Age." Anyway, Big Daddy decides to have a talent competition, which is really a good idea, frankly. According to Danutalie, "Jason does this 'thing' called 'break dancing.'" Obviously Danutalie never loved the movie "Breakin'" as passionately as this viewer. Blah blah various women do a synchronized swim until Molly, a total sleeper, steals Big Daddy away to show him her "talent:" kissing. We are taken aback, that is so forward. And also, we applaud Jason for not laughing.

But trouble is brewing at the pool. Nikki is all mad at Danutalie because Danutalie is commenting on the fact that Big Daddy is sucking face with Molly 10 feet away. "We made a pact not to talk about somebody's intimate private moment!" says Nikki. Ok, so apparently Nikki has been in only one relationship for 11 YEARS. She is 29 years old. See, eg. Greek Tycon, supra. Big Daddy pacifies Nikki later on by reassuring her that he knows she is ready to be a mother. This is getting creepier and creepier. . . especially when Friendly Skies grabs Big Daddy for a kiss later on, which he totally attempts to duck, and then crows about how her kiss was "longer" than Molly's after the fact.

Mercifully, this date ends shortly thereafter, with Molly getting the rose...except that Raquel, who did not go on any dates, sneaks into the car in which Big D is supposed to flee the house after dropping off the women. She reminds him that she's really in to him, and then confesses to ABC:

"I want somebody to love me, um, to death. Meaning, if I do die, he would be so in love with me that it would be very rare for him to remarry."

OMG. Raquel is off my list.

So here we are at the final rose ceremony, and Jersey Erica is all hustling the competition. She agrees with the other women that it's not cool for Molly to be stealing Big Daddy away from Megan's 1:1 time . . . and then flip flops and tells Molly she's "got her back" and that you "gotta do what you gotta do" later on. Megan calls her on it, and Erica goes all apeshit on the crowd about Megan: "Maybe we shoulda listened to ourselves. You haven't been real. You're just wastin' my time." blah blah this is a huge fight but we don't care so we aren't going to waste the e-ink.

Beyond the fight, HC gives another creepy "I know all about you Jason" speech, peppered with "you're so cute. Oh my gosh, like, you're so cute! Look at your cute little lips!" and how she could imagine them as a family, and "Ty could totally run out of the house with my little puppy, key lime!" when she gets home. Megan asks stephanie about her Tragically Killed Husband. Everyone cries. Lisa, whom we didn't know anything about, tells Big D that she has decided to leave the house because her grandmother is sick (props to Lisa, we heart you). Lauren says "as long as I get a rose, I don't really care" about other people's tragedies that take them away from the show. Big Daddy tells Nikki that she has "amazing.....qualities" as the camera pans her chest again. And finally, Big Daddy picks:

(to accompany Jillian, Mleader, and Molly):

1. Megan
2. Nikki (in a zebra print dress ha cha cha)
3. Lauren
4. Friendly Skies
5. Stephanie
6. Kari (oh dear we still don't remember her)
7. Danutalie (ew)
8. HC
9. Jersey Erica. Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Stay tuned for next week, when everybody papier maches their bits for charity. True story.

KLo

Big Daddy Part 1: Vision of Love

Babies, Big Daddy is back. Jason Mesnik, sensitive single dad from Seattle. Shirtless runner and push-upperer and, "omg, like, the hottest dad EVER!!!!" according to one of his 25 potential suitorettes. We will try to be excited about this, we really will for the sake of our viewership, but this is our issue. Though you wanted Big Daddy, we now know what the Big Daddy wants. And our friend RMil grew them in the 4th grade before any other girl in our class. Then she turned all popular, began wearing zebra print pants, and practiced kissing boys behind the Jr. High bike racks.

But first we must meet Big D: Oh, he fell in love with Double D (NOW we get it) last season, but "her and I" (gah!) just didn't click. Oh, he loves his 3 year old son Ty, who has come to live with him and his brother Larry in the big Bachelor Pad for the pendency of the show. Oh, he is shirtless. Often. We believe that sums him up.

But the ladies, oh oh the ladies jumping on beds and practicing their golf swings and doing sit-ups and so excited to meet Big Daddy but OH MY GOD NO ONE HAS ANY EYEBROWS. And in addition, we know that we are in an Economic Decline and everyone must be Creative, but we are pretty sure that chimney soot was never intended to be eyeshadow. And finally, step away from the tanning beds, Future Sea Hags of America. That is all.

So anyway, there's Jillian, a Vancouver, BC restaurant designer who is a "polished hick" with a hot dog theory about men. We will forgive that because anyone who can embrace the inner batshit is probably a little okay. We also like Stacie, a single mom of two kids. And Melissa, just because she was a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader for two seasons and we secretly like that show about making the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleading squad, even if CMT plays the same season over and over so we have to watch the same girl get in trouble for eating with the wrong fork at etiquette boot camp.

But we do not like Dominique, who is all dewy like a bassett hound. Nor do we like Nikki, the former Miss Illinois, who dusts a table wearing her pageant sash and then mashes her ginormous breasts into a mesh-from-nape-to-navel dress while proclaiming her readiness to have children because she wanted to steal her sister's baby as soon as it was born. Stay tuned for Nikki in the Lifetime Channel Original Movie: "Beauty Queen Baby Snatchers." Jackie the wedding planner also freaks us out, in part because we are pretty sure she used to be a man. But Stephanie. Oh, Stephanie. Single mother to 4 year old Sophia. In love with Jason because he "reminds me of my dead husband," whose tombstone is IN THE BACK YARD. And while this is a moving story, we wonder whether grief or the strain of massive bosoms caused her eyebrows to flee upward, where they gradually weakened and were picked off one by one until one day, Stephanie redrew that particular street plan entirely with L'Oreal Tawny Brown.

Anyhow, so then we have Lauren the 7th grade government teacher, Shelby the something or other, and the rest of the hockey team: Naomi (flight attendant) who "can handle those bitches" and Megan the LaCrosse coach who "doesn't give a f*ck about them."

But wait wait wait, the women haven't even come out of their Limos yet!!!! Blah blah Big Daddy rolls up in his limo for the big Meet, blah blah he hasn't been lucky in love, and then....

Limo#1 : "WHOOOOOO!!!! " oh no. we have woo girls.
1. Lauren the teacher, in a leopard print dress that pretty much starts at the waist.
2. Karri. We don't know what she does and we don't care because she is wearing a hot pink mini-dress and ankle monitors. You know the shoes, gentle readers. Stilettos with a giant cuff. Because probation is totally *hot.*
3. Melissa the cheerleader/"sales rep" in classic black.
4. Sharon, an NY teacher who minces up to Big Daddy in tragic salsa stylings.
5. Natalie, a blonde tanorexic wearing Lorraine McFly's Back to the Future Prom Dress and those damn ankle monitors.
6. Naomi, a flight attendant with a tatt and ill-fitting dress she has to hoist from the armpits every 30 seconds.
7. Megan of the LaCrosse. We think she may have spit when she got out of the car.
8. Stacie from Utah, covered in sequins a la snake and with heaving bosoms blazing.
9. Jackie, whom we don't remember at all except that we wrote "Mother Goose" beside her name and that can't mean good things.

Limo #2
10. Olive Oil, aka Lisa of Boise.
11. Stephanie. OMG, KMu thinks she just saw areola.
12. A nurse practioner called......Treasure. Which immediately makes us think that my god, why would anyone give their sweet baby a porn star name and "Why yes, the doctor is in" and also "gee, 40 years from now will she end up being interviewed about the Bachelor like that 75 year old woman in the Follies Bergere t-shirt on the Travel Channel's show about Las Vegas? You know, the one named Fluff LeCoque?"
13. Raquel de la Brazil.
14. Shelby de la blonde helmet hair.
15. Nicki from Chicago. Okay, that is absolutely it. We know that we could manage to introduce more bump shimmy into our lives, but this woman is going to sashay Stephanie into the ground. Nikki's dress is so um, open, that WE -- trepid hack blogger, Bachelor guerrilla, and person who deals with her own ladybits on a daily basis -- don't know where to look.
16. Molly, a department store buyer, golfer, and slumper with a horsey hairdo.
17. Erica. We don't remember her.
18. Nicole, who wears orange AND orange blush because it is Ty's favorite color.

Limo # 3
19. Renee, a 36 year old jewelry designer. Renee has taught us two things this evening. First, we are still not too old to be on the Bachelor. Second, it really is possible for a woman to look like a T-Rex, with the little arms.
20. Jillian. So Jillian is our girl, but she has made a pinafore out of gold lame. And then soused herself in glitter paint. And she's talking about hot dogs again.
21. Dominique the bassett hound.
22. Emily from Seattle. We know nothing about her.
23. Julie from Ohio. Oh dear, still nothing (we are really shirking our attention-paying responsibilities, but red wine is oh so good).
24. Ann from Phoenix. Yet another flight attendant. Yet more sequins. Yet another display of bosom, framed in sequins.
25. Shannon the dental hygenist. A self-proclaimed "tooth nazi" who comes out of the limo wearing fake teeth. We don't like shannon.

Oh thank god we are done with the listing, only to be ever-so-much easier when 10 get the axe at the end of the night. But wait, the women are now in the house, haggling and screetching. Naomi wants Big Daddy "all over my body." Karri thinks he's "adorable." Big Daddy says that "all of the women are reacting great, and it doesn't bother them at all that I have a son." Ah, Early Man.

And so, the 1:1 times begin. Shannon has been looking at Big D's myspace page, tells him that his birthday is July 5, that he has two brothers, and that she isn't a stalker but gee, he really has beautiful teeth. Dominique Basset Hound is a medical sales rep that sells toe implants for bunions or hammer toes (I SO gotta get out of this law business). But Karri wrote a "poem" called "Is there such thing as Love at First Sight?"

Ahem.

Have you ever heard of love at first sight?
When your heart is pounding that very first night? (wow, that rhyme's really tight)
Jason - a radiant smile, worthwhile
our first meeting
all of us competing (I think my ears are bleeding)
We don't have years or even months to decide on love
It's your devotion to your son, your kindness I think the world of.
Something Something the chiefs team.
I love sushi and cookie dough ice cream. (this poem sucks rotten cheese; yes I rhyme as I please)
Let's hope that Kerri, Jason and Ty
believe it's a connection. (or at least that this poem doesn't kill your erect...).

Ok, so we might have taken liberties with Kerri's poem. But really, we had to, because now Jillian is straining our nerves because she is cooking hot dogs in the kitchen. "You can tell a lot about a man by what he puts on his hot dog" she claims. We don't really pay any attention to her explanation because her theory is based upon an erroneous single-condiment-per-dog presumption that would lead to false positives in this viewer's household. As the dog is but a vessle for all condiments, the most important of which being relish (omitted by Jillian), we are unimpressed that Jason selects mustard. Even if, to Jillian, mustard = a good catch.

And also, she makes us suffer through hot-dog allusions such as: "If a weiner gets overcooked, it does not function properly." Bad date, Jillian?

Meanwhile, Nikki is wooing Big Daddy. "I am an open book," she says and which we verify, as we can see her lungs, entire ribcage, and all flesh associated therewith. But Renee the T-Rex takes the cake. She makes "vision boards" babies. You know, where you cut out words and images of things that you want for your life, glue them to a board, and then they come true. "The universe is listening." And it is listening to her, as Renee's vision board has a Vision of Love with Big Daddy. We make a note to start a vision board tomorrow, and that board will say:
1. Laundry finished.
2. Xmas muffin top replaced by sleek hardbody without gym.
3. Eight hours of sleep.

So then Raquel steals Jason to teach him to dance, Molly steals him from Raquel, . . .Raquel steals him back. Stephanie is a low talker. Lauren tests Big Daddy's basic government enducation ("what are the three branches of the government?"). And then, OMG OMG, a NEW TWIST!!!!

A waitress slinks in with a box, and we suddenly know how we are going to Infiltrate This Show!!! We can be the waitress!!! And no, this is not just because we realize that our pants are on backwards and that is why they are fitting so uncomfortably. Rather, it is because this waitress, venus, is the only normal looking woman in the entire joint. We can BE THAT WOMAN, readers!! hurrah!!!!

Oh, so the whole idea is to put the name of a woman that you want to leave the house that night into the box. Every woman votes, and the woman with the most votes goes home. Jackie the wedding planner is now drunk and talking about how she broke off her engagement by laying the ring on the guy's bedroom pillow...married another guy shortly thereafter, and then divorced him. Looks like a couple votes for Jackie. But wait, Megan the LaCrosse coach is talking about leaving her 14 month old baby behind for the show, and some women think that's not cool. Oh, but then there's another chick knocking back the vodka. Oh, that's the Erica we couldn't remember. Tough call.

Anyhow, in the end, Megan gets the most votes and has to leave....with a rose!!! "You a**holes" she says to the women as retrieves her rose from Big Daddy. Nearly vomiting into her champagne glass, she confides to the camera that she doesn't know why she has this rose -- does Big Daddy want her around?

Oh yes, and somewhere in here, Nikki gets the "First Impression Rose," probably because he was able to inspect all of the goods, so to speak.

And in the end, Nikki and Megan are joined by:
1. Lauren of the leopard print.
2. Kerri of the poem.
3. Naomi. WTF.
4. Natalie McFly ankle monitor.
5. Molly.
6. Raquel.
7. Stephanie bump shimmy.
8. Melissa of the cheerleaders
9. Jillian.
10. Shannon the dental hygenist.
11. Olive Oil/Lisa.
12. Sharon. WHAT????
13. Erica.

In the words of ABe, "well, he gets what he deserves from this point out." I mean, no wonder the man is still single.

Stay tuned for the upcoming season, in which we have many uncomfortably-closely-filmed kissing scenes to suffer through, as well as "cat fights" and ... the surprise return of Double D. Lo, the road will be steep, but we shall climb it together. One rose at a time.