Pringles Part 10: Moon Shadow

Babies, we lost the beginning of our blog in a fit of burning rage this very early morning.  And so, suffice to say that Chris Harrison thought it was a good idea to make us all watch three hours of the Bachelor in front of a live viewing audience that we get to watch on tape, and so that is why we are all here today, feeling bitter and eating ABe's nachos.

But suddenly, we are in Thailand, where Pringles is "so ready" for his family to be there to help him make a decision.  Dad Jay, mom Sherry, sister Shay, and her Hot Husband plus children run out of the mini-van and straight into Pringles' arms.   While the children are cute, we get a little annoyed when Shay asks one of them: 'Are we going to help him pick out a girl?!?" Yes, check her teeth and hips.  And also, that is *exactly* how you want to teach your baby son how dating works!  Fortunately, mom Sherry gives everyone a dose of good sense when she says that if he's going to be proposing at the end of this, he better have a very clear idea of who he's going to pick already, as the decision is 48 hours away.  chirp chirp.

Soon Hillshire comes to visit the family for apparently, 20 minutes.  We don't hate her dress, exactly, but it needs a belt (though perhaps she is like This Viewer and refuses to wear a belt at Any Cost).  And also, she is limping in her high heels.

We learn that Hillshire played football in 6th grade on an all boys team.  We find it interesting that Pringles has now picked two women who competed  in male sports involving all manner of tight pant and buttock touching (the General's Daughter was a wrestler).   Blah blah Hillshire confesses falling in love with Pringles to mom Sherry, Dad Jay tells her that if she is picked, he will be her biggest fan, and Pringles says she is "consumed by" Pringles.  That last part is a little creepy, but we like the parents.  We wonder if, when they were dating, Jay every asked Sheeeeeeeeerrrry, baby (Sherry baby), Sheeeeerrrry, will you come out tonight?

And just like that, Hillshire is gone and the General's Daughter is stepping out of a van. Hey - fun fact:  The General's Daughter was about 12 years old when this show began being aired! Let's all think about that and be a little uncomfortable.

 But the General's Daughter's extreme youth is soon forgotten (temporarily) when Shay stands up to greet her.  For the love of all that is holy, why oh WHY is this family so enamored with dayglo colors?  Lo, for Shay is wearing electric lime green shorts and an electric orange/red shirt so bright We Cannot Quite Look It Straight On.  We hate this outfit.

And then, we are reminded of GD's youth again.  So, when this viewer was a First Year in High School, we took a Spanish class, which was divided down the middle with rows of of desks facing each other.  And babies, for an entire year, this Viewer had to watch A Popular Girl, Whose Name Has Been Forgotten, literally toss all of her very long hair from one side of her head, over the top of her head and entirely to the other side, and back again.  And giggle.  And generally speak spanish badly but in a very fashionable rugby shirt (it was the early 1990s).  To this day, this Viewer has never see such extreme hair tossage again In Real Life.

The GD is, essentially doing a mental Hair Toss as she is giggles and clinging to the Pringles' hand and we feel like we are sitting in the bleachers at a football game behind the Junior High section.  Oh! Her favorite part was feeding the monkeys at the beach!  Oh! It took a lot of champagne for her to show up in a wedding dress on the first day of the show!  And then in 1:1 times with the parents, she confesses that Pringles is *everything* she's ever wanted, and that he makes her feel beautiful!!

But then this happens:   In 1:1 time with Jay, he reveals that "when Sean was born, Sherry and I began praying every day for his wife."
"Please baby Jesus, don't let our son be gay." whispers This Viewer.
But the General's Daughter is Touched by this announcement, and confesses that she has been waiting Her Whole Life (all 24 years) for this very moment.  Lo, for she has always, ALWAYS wanted to be married.

We suddenly feel very tired.  We want to buy the General's Daughter a cup of coffee and explain that at age 24, it is typical for a woman to think she has always wanted to get married and have five children because "everyone" is doing it, and if it doesn't happen to her, she has to stop being a substitute teacher and look for a full-time teaching position because she will Need To Eat and no man will be there to do it for her.  And that is terrifying. Then by about age 28 or 29, she will realize that no man has, in fact, been discovered to magically "provide," but that she is doing okay on her own, and maybe that will inform her choice of partner in the future.  And then at age 35, she will realize that she really likes herself, can "provide" for herself just fine, and that if she is going to get married, it is going to be to someone who respects that.  And this Viewer is sad for the General's Daughter, who seems to be stuck at "oh my god if I don't get married THEN what will I do with my life???"   And we think that she will grow to be stronger than that.

ANYWAY, all feelings of female solidarity immediately flee when the General's Daughter shows up for her Overnight Date wearing the female version of the Salmon Shorts of Rage.  But more on that later.

 First we must watch Sherry have a minor melt down after the General's Daughter has left, for which we love Sherry even more.  Pringles is going on about how he thinks both women are fabulous, and so special and blahdy blah, and Sherry says, "Yes darling, we know they are fabulous.  But you have to CHOOSE. And that decision should be clear to you, or you have no business marrying either one."  This dose of wisdom does not sit well with Pringles, who then gets defensive and says he just wants mom's support.  Mom, once again for the win, reminds him that he should be excited about getting engaged and clear in his head about it, not anxious or having difficulty deciding.

"I can totally understand how difficult it is for Pringles to pick the right woman," says KMu.  "When PMu and I were dating, he was also seriously dating this other woman at the same time, and it was a real toss-up, but then he figured that 'KMu' was easier to say than the other woman's name, so he picked me.  Makes sense."

While we are digesting this bit of satire, Pringles shows up for his Last Dance Date with the General's Daughter.  KMu pauses the television to let This Viewer Drink It All In.  Babies, he is wearing neon red board shorts.  And a neon turquoise tank top.  And a WHITE. SWATCH. WATCH.  Yet somehow, the General's Daughter is dressed even worse. Lo for, the tiniest little Salmon Shorts of Rage are covering her little sushi roll than ever existed.  And also, she has tied her tank top in a knot to the side of her waist.

The climb into a wicker gondola type boaty thing, and this poor Thai guy has to pole them down the river as they whisper to each other and play with each others' hands.  "Old Man River, . .. " we sing.  But the GD is caught up in the moment, for they are "exactly the same!"  They can be "goofy AND serious!" She feels like she "knows him so well!!"  Pringles tells her she will be a "hot old chick," which elicits an "I love you" from her.
"Maybe we're just incredulous about this because we, too, are Hot Old Chicks," says KMu.

Now it is evening, and the General's Daughter has put on a red dress and done something horsey to her hair. And she is preparing to pour wine.
"Wow, she has wine glasses just like us! And she is doing what we are doing right now!!" says KMu, herself frozen in the act of pouring.  Yes, celebrities are Just Like Us!!   Pringles comes over in another salmon-colored v-neck t-shirt, and the GD confesses that he has everything she's been looking for in a husband and she doesn't know what she would possibly do if she "lost him."  And then this happens:
The General's Daughter; "I've got something really special for you."
KMu:  "Great, she got him a shadowbox."
This Viewer:  "That gives new meaning to the song 'Dick in a Box'"
ABe: [Falls off the sofa].

But no, it's a bunch of floaty candle-driven balloon thingies with words like "happiness" and "family" on them.  We know that Pringles is disappointed that the GD did not present her shadowbox to him, and also wonder if they started a fire one property over.   But oh! Pringles sees a life with her!!

After a useless cut back to the viewing audience and Chris Harrison, it is now time for the Last Dance date with Hillshire.  Coincidentally, they are both wearing purple shirts.  They have so much in common!

Hillshire is rambling on about how awesome it is that there are elephants *everywhere,* when suddenly an elephant shows up For Them!  "How awesome would that be if Dolly Pemily was on the back of it?" asks KMu.
"Hey every-bah-dy" says ABe, channeling her best DP.
So Hillshire and the Pring put on some special pants to go ride an elephant around.  He lets her drive, which we can tell is difficult for him, and eventually they end up in a treehouse surrounded by elephants.  They eat and talk about their future together "a few months from now."

Suddenly it is evening, and once again they are matchy-match, him in a black v-neck t-shirt, and her in a black lace dress.   Hillshire is extremely anxious because it's difficult for her to open up to him when she doesn't even know how he feels.  Pringles confesses that "today was awesome, no lie." She says she is freaked out by emotions because she has wanted to be in love so much in the past, and has always ruined it by saying "I love you" first.   This Viewer is pretty sure that relationships not meant to be ruined, are not ruined by one person confessing love first, but whatever.  So finally, finally, as they are saying goodbye, she confesses that she loves him anyway.
And he responds:  "Thank you for the day."

Ouch.  SO he leaves, she cries, she chases after him crying, he asks her what's wrong, she says nothing, and then she goes back to her villa and cries on the bed about how she needs more from him.  Then open your mouth, darling, and Tell Him.

Let's hear from the viewing audience:  Lady in a gauze lime green shirt feels that after this particular display, the General's Daughter is a Lock for the Final Rose.  Woman in animal print also feels that Pringles will take his Mom's Advice to Heart.

We return to the show, just in time to see Neil Lane drop in because he happened to be vacationing in Thailand with a whole box of Really Giant and Ugly Rings!  And then Pringles is dressing for the main event, and it is All Going To Fast for This Viewer.  And we don't understand why the General's Daughter and Hillshire have picked out the same dress to wear, except in different colors (Hillshire = gold, General's Daughter = silver).  And it is a World of No either way, and Pringles is walking to the platform, and and and . .

Chris Harrison interrupts us once again to ask the opinions of Le Democrat, PK, Squints, and Jackie as to who they would pick.  All of them pick the General's Daughter for Pringles except Le Democrat, who picks Hillshire. . .

And back we go to Thailand.  Oh the drama!  Oh the tension!  And the first person out of the limo is. . .

THE GENERAL'S DAUGHTER.  The Big Dump begins: "You are beautiful.  When I am around you, it is such a surprise.  I didn't see this relationship coming. You have such depth, you are so special, you blew me away, and that is why I am dumping you."

The General's Daughter, god bless her, takes it like a champ.  She tells him to "please stop," takes off her heels, and walks away.  We see her age before our eyes.  And we are proud of her.   Go get yourself a good job, General's Daughter, and Come Into Your Own because Pringles just Delivered Unto You the biggest favor ever, however painful.  Or in the words of ABe, "Run, Lindsay, RUN."

Now it is Hillshire's turn.  But there is a note!  We are temporarily concerned that Hillshire has dumped Pringles in a letter and secretly think that would be awesome.  Except that the music is swelling in ABC's version of dramatic romance, so we know that it is something "good."  Sure enough, Hillshire is confessing her love By Written Word, which leaves nothing left really to say when she arrives at the platform.  And . . .using the very same speech that he gave the General's Daughter but with a different ending, Pringles proposes.

They ride off into a sunset.  On an elephant.

We give it 2 months.  ABe says 6 months.  KMu did not vote.

Last but not least, it is the After the Final Rose episode, in which Chris Harrison manages to make an entire hour out of the following pieces of information:
1.  Hillshire & Pringles are still together.
2.  They will be getting married on television, since "their entire relationship was on television." oh, the romance.
3.  The General's Daughter is still heartbroken but classy about it.
4.  The next bachelorette is . . .Desiree Who Should Be Black.

And just like that, ABC has done it again:  If not actually hiring a P.O.C. to be the next contestant, they have hired someone who Should Be One.

We shall see you next season.
-KLo.

Pringles Part Women Tell All: Hide Your Crazy

Welcome to the Women Tell All, Babies.  Also known as The Most Boring Episode Ever. So, when this Viewer was dancing (like 100 years ago), our partner for a particular piece once told us that he Could Not Rehearse because he had Stabbed Himself In the Hand With a Graphite Pencil.  Yes, Gentle Readers.  He was That Specific.  And we think about that from time to time, particularly last night when we felt the pain of the graphite pencil in our eyeball listening to Chris Harrison.

As the curtains come up on the screaming, crying fans in the audience (and one dude), we don't quite know what to think about this set.  ABe observes that the chairs on which the "ladies" are perched, look like suction cups.  This viewer personally thinks that ABC got their set from either Fox News or a campaign garage sale, as it is all manner of red, white, and blue.   As are the women, inexplicably dressed in Our Lady the Patriot colors, with the exception of a few outlying pinks and purples.  We secretly hope that they start kicking their legs and break into a chorus from the Will Rogers Follies when Pringles comes on stage later on: "Hurray for our favorite son!!!"

So Chris Harrison comes out and talks about visiting Bachelor viewing parties with Pringles in the "Bachelor Party Van."  And suddenly, we are traveling with Pringles and The Harrison to all manner of household and sorority as he "surprises" bachelor viewers everywhere and Pringles takes off his shirt for them. Okay, STOP THE PRESSES.   This Viewer has been having her very own Bachelor Viewing Party since this show's inception.  And admittedly, we may not be as fun as the Gamma Delta sorority or a bunch of teenage girls in the suburbs (ABe is eating sushi with one hairy eyeball on the television, KMu and this viewer are drowning our boredom in vino as GMu the dog snores gently on the sofa), but the BNU staff Still Are Awesome and also, it would be the Best Story Ever if Pringles showed up on our doorstep, Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes Style.

We once again feel sad that we have not accomplished any of our BNU Life Goals:  (1) being the person that fills water glasses or whatever during a rose ceremony, (2) being an audience member on the Women Tell All, and now (3) getting a hilariously awesome visit from Chris Harrison.  We feel sadness that when this show started, we were within the proper age range and fitness level to sneak on this show and Blog It From Within, and now are more closely approaching That Age When One's Skin Starts to Do Weird Shit.   Oh well.

We return to the women perched uncomfortably and the audience in front of them.
"I spy a POC," says KMu.
"No," says this viewer. "That is just an overly aggressive bottle tan."

Blah blah, there are play backs featuring various women:  50 Shades falling on her drunken butt, A. Knox being crazy, and so forth.  And then, The Harrison finally gets started:  "Hey Desiree WSBB, did you anticipate the drama?"
"Do you ever watch this show?" asks ABe.
But apparently Desiree WSBB did not, for she was not prepared for the fireworks.  Unlike The Democrat, who says that she "knew what was about to ensue, but was hoping to remain in the background."  We love the Democrat and wish she were the next Bachelorette.  Although we do wish she would stop wearing bright red lipstick.

Except then we have to talk about Tierra Firma.  A whole bunch.  Chris Harrison wants to know "what was it about Tierra?" Michelle Obama, who has gotten her hair cut and is now looking even more Michelle Obama-y, says something like "cutta bitch."  And Princess Jasmine explains that you "need to hide your crazy" when going on this show. We love Princess Jasmine.  But Chris Harrison will not stop:  "Did Tierra get in the way of all of you?"  "Was it "real or fake with her?"  "What was going on there?"

"He's like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer," observes KMu.  We interrupt the BNU to watch old SNL clips and giggle.

But surprise!  Tierra is backstage, and now gets to sit for what can only be described as Too Long On Stage.  But as she walks out, ABe gasps:  "What is going on with that dress?  There is a PEEKHOLE."  We rewind.  Babies, this dress is like Pebbles Flintstone grew up to be a stripper.  And also, it has an Under-Jubbly Peekhole, which KMu aptly points out is a "sternum reveal."  This dress makes no sense. And also, it is ugly.

Tierra does a whole bunch of Tierra:  It was so difficult for her on this show because she "lights up a room."  But when people don't give her a chance, her "light doesn't shine."   The girls judged her for what she looks like instead of her "light inside, and also, her morals."   This viewer secretly thinks Tierra must have hidden her light by leaning over it, as that can be the Only Explanation for the Under-Jubbly Sternum Reveal going on here.  But blah blah, she felt a victim of bullying.  She has nothing to regret or apologize for because she didn't say one bad thing about anyone, she has no memory of any of the nastiness that she supposedly instigated, the fight with the PK was all PK's fault, everyone was twisting her words, and she was focusing on "Sean and I's connection."

Okay,even in the world of bad grammar, who says that?  This Viewer is going to go get another cup of I's tea before continuing to sit on I's sofa to write this blog.

And last but not least, Tierra got engaged in January to some other dude and clearly doesn't want to talk about it.  And also, she was Little Miss Nevada as a girl, and that's why she has a "sparkle."  We are exhausted just thinking about this.

Up next is Squints.  An audience members mouths "She was my favorite." We relive Squints' breakup with Pringles. She cries again.  She feels that men secretly don't want to date her because she has one arm.  We think she is likely dating the wrong men.

Next comes Desiree:  Nothing new here, except that we have to re-see that hideous candy-cane sweater Pringles wore on one of their dates.  Did her brother destroy her relationship with Pringles?  Maybe.  Is she at peace with everything?  Yes, now she is.

But then here comes PK, who is clearly NOT at peace.  And also, "she is basically wearing breasts," says ABe.  This dress is a band-aid.  And turquoise.  With some sort of white band at the bottom and black band at the top.  If a Real Human were to wear this dress, there would be All Manner of Spanx involved.   We wonder if PK is wearing spanx or just genetically blessed.  But it really doesn't matter because now she's going on and on about being broken, and how she is really a very "reserved person" who opened up more to Pringles than to anyone.  " I would just like to juxtapose that statement with her dress," says KMu.

So Pringles comes out, and there is awkwardness which may be summed up as:  PK claims he told her that he had no feelings for the other women.  Pringles said he never would have told her that.  PK claims he just doesn't remember.  They have a tense exchange both on and off the camera (which ABC is now leaving on during breaks, apparently to bring viewers Closer To The Show).  In other words:  He said something three months ago that she either misheard or misinterpreted. and now here we are.   We assess Pringles during this moment, and conclude that as much as we hate to admit it, he is actually one of the "least yucky bachelors" we have had in some time, in the words of ABe.

Blah blah, we watch some bloopers, which only cause us once again to wish Le Democrat will be the next Bachelorette.  And then, The Harrison is talking about Pringles "Amazing Journey with Two Women" (everybody drink).  But ominously, he encourages us to tune in next week for the THREE HOUR finale (gasp), so we can "see how this all turns out for Sean."

With that ringing endorsement, we bid adieu until next week.

KLo.