Miss J, Eh Part 7: The Love Bomb

Proving that we Eat. Live. Breathe. the Bachelorette for you babies, Miss J Eh Part 7 begins with a confession: "I had a dream about Ed," ABe admits on the sofa "Intervention"- style. "I just remember I was 'with' him. Nothing racy happened but, like . . . we were together." Just not in the Biblical sense, or so she says.

Anyhow, we begin in Banff Springs with Jillian wandering the streets with coffee, Champs (Elysees) Crotch, and a yellow ginormous scarf. "One of these guys could potentially be proposing" shortly she says. Hm, Jillian how many hedge words can you jam in a sentence? But more importantly, why are you not wandering the streets with a bag of All Dressed Chips? If we were Canadian, we would be eating that ambrosia for breakfast, particularly if we were faced with the prospect of going to meet the families of Five Shades of No.

But as Miss J is unstoppable, we are suddenly in Philadelphia with Reid AND his glasses (ha cha cha). Except that Reid seems very uptight as he picks Jillian up in a park that we ought to recognize but do not because our geography is That Bad. We become more nervous when they fill the awkward silence with a kiss that falls somewhere between thanking grandma and mad marionette love. She turns to him. He turns to her. She touches her face somewhere left of his mouth. He bounces his lips off hers sans pucker. She stares at him. He blinks. "I'm a real boy!" says he. Okay not really but please make it stop.

Soon we are with his family, Mom Ronda, Dad Larry, and, explaining a LOT about Reid, his older brothers Brent and Jeff. Okay, so we heart Larry, but damn Ronda's skin is like pleather tinged with frosty lipstick. Let us help you Ronda, help help you, Ronda. Anyway, Reid is apparently a realtor in the family's estate business. "We would just love to have a designer in our house" says Ronda. "We could be a team." OMG, it is JuanyOnly part 2. Of course, now that Reid has reached the ripe old age of almost 30, he has eclipsed his useful life and must now be taken out back and shot: "We always thought Reid would have a family and kids, BUT . . . whatever." Says Ronda. We hiss in Ronda's direction.

But we have Really Had It when Brent and Jeff, a/k/a Dumb and Dumber, take the wheel.
Jeff: "So Jillian, why do you think Reid is STILL single at this point?" (wtf).
Brent (who has not aged well): "Yeah he doesn't have any trouble finding women. He's just a commitment phobe."
Jeff: "Yeah, he just has to get everyone's approval."
Brent: "And then the woman just sort of . . . disappears."
Okay, these two fools are officially retired as Reid's Wing Men. If Miss J has not run screaming at this point, we have no use for her. And also, wtf is up with this family's obsession with having a family by age 30? We may be of an age at which romance novels no longer cast the heroine unless she is on her Second Time Around due to the untimely demise of her husband by bee sting or piracy (therefore, preserving her status forever in the community as mature, wise, and still lovely despite all her years in mourning), but dammit.

Dad Larry does some damage control, advising Reid to jump into the relationship with both feet if Reid thinks Jillian is a good match because "that's when great things happen," but this is quickly harpooned by Grandma and the sisters-in-law showing up for a "surprise" 30th birthday party for Reid. After another kiss so awkward that Miss J actually has to force Reid's face to hers . . . followed by deafening silence from the family . . . Brent's Totally Sensitive Wife announces "Well, we usually don't see Reid being very affectionate with . . . people."

We just. Wow. Fortunately, Reid proves he can plant a good one at the door before Jillian leaves to see b boy.

Next stop: Astoria, NY for a visit with b boy and his mom Lynn, Dad Frank, and identical twin brother, Steve. Sadly, sister Jenna is in Australia and cannot be with them. Shoo be do bop b boy runs up to the house and screamingly greet his family and then tells them that he saw Miss J in her pajamas and almost fainted, she looked so beautiful. Okay, McFly, you can come down from the tree. Of course, when b boy opens the door to see Jillian standing there, he screams again and runs away. Dude.

But this is our thing (all of us): we LOVE this family. Mom Lynn is all fabulous and full of life and tells Jillian that b boy adores her. Steve encourages b boy to "dude, drop the love bomb" as b boy is shaving his scruff so that he and Steve can switch places and "trick" Miss J (which totally backfires). Dad Frank tells b boy that Jillian is "the real deal. You're falling pretty hard for this girl." And b boy admits that he could "get his heart flattened" (oh!). But then: crisis. In 1:1 time with Steve, he asks Miss J if b boy's age (25) is a factor for her. Miss J admits that yes it is, to which b boy responds: "Mike and I always wanted to be married younger to grow as a couple before having children. We want to be good husbands, be good fathers." Forget b boy, Miss J. Run off with Steve.

Over dinner, Dad Frank continues the tradition (now going for 8 years in this family) of asking a "Question for the Table," in which the family asks 3 questions to get to know guests better. We love this! Okay, so at our stage in life (mature, wise, still lovely after bee sting/piracy etc etc) our three questions would be:
1. Are you present?
2. Are you clean?
3. Do you have a tendency to wear midriff-bearing mesh shirts, share the name of a popular conservative talk show host, or incessantly sing Smoke Gets In Your Eyes karaoke-style?
But instead, Frank asks Miss J to name 3 things of which she is most proud, and she says her ability to laugh, to see the good in everyone, and have energy. Okay, Miss J, you may continue in your online dating quest for love.

And then . . .sister Jenna appears from Australia! And THEN (because it could not get any better), the whole family starts dancing!! We love this family!!! And they send her home with a plate of food! Could b boy be the dark horse in this competition? He has become so sweet even WE are falling a little in love with him, despite his age. "I think until the day I die, there will always be something that I won't be able to describe about Jillian that hooks me." OH!!!

Coo coo ca choo, Mrs. Robinson, just like that we must leave b boy (whom we now love) for San Diego and Kiptyn. WTF is up with Miss J's sundress? It is a World of Peariwinkle Searsucker, covered in a sweater bathed in roses. KMu points out that if we were Kiptyn's mind (and assuming also that said mind had thoughts), we would say:
Kiptyn (handing Miss J wine): "A toast to you coming to San Diego. . . "
[Kiptyn's mind (giving Miss J the once over): "Fuck. This is where I'm supposed to pay her a compliment."]
Kiptyn: " . . . and coming to meet my family."
[Kiptyn's mind: "You are a weak, weak man."]

Anyway, Kiptyn has two daddies, or so he informs Miss J. We are disappointed to learn this really means a dad and stepdad and secretly wish ABC would be more progressive, but of course that would mean at least casting a POC (person of color) that makes it past episode 3. Oh well.

But then, sweet jesus on a subway wall, we meet Stepdad Earl and his Magnum P.I. moustache. "Hi, my name is Earl," says he. We also meet mom Eve, who is one facelift away from Joan Collins. And, we meet sister Davia, who is trying VERY hard to be sophisticated with the dyed black hair and black nails, and brother Bryce + girlfriend Nancy.

Earl shows Miss J the house, which, as ABe notes, is decorated just like people with lots of money but no taste think a house must be decorated. And then Eve does a little double blind taste test for Miss J on the granite island outside by the hot tub. "We love to eat and drink fine wine in this family," she announces. (who says that?) Moreover, "Earl is famous for his lasagne." So now Miss J must pick the best lasagne and best wine to accompany it. We would be so screwed, with our love of $2 Chuck. How fortunate that, by picking "the dark red wine" with whatever lasagne, Miss J "passes."

Miss J is all wowed because Kiptyn's family is so "educated, refined, well-traveled" and can speak lots of languages. No, Miss J, they aren't. Because truly refined people don't make you FEEL it, and these people are tittering about an inside joke in french at the dinner table.

Anyway, our distaste grows as Eve, whom it is really all about, pulls Miss J away for some 1:1 time:
Eve: "You were talking about unconditional love. Stand by your man [which she sings to the wrong tune] and all that. Well, then you lose yourself. So yeah, I don't know if I believe that."
Eve 2 seconds later: "If there was something you could change about YOURSELF, that would make Kiptyn happier, but also you, what would that be?"
WTF kind of question is that? And also, those two statements are internally inconsistent.
But Eve is not done. Says Jillian "I am used to having to work for my happiness."
Eve (looking like she smelled a skunk, as much as one could for having her face pulled past her scalp): "What does that mean, 'work for your happiness.' You shouldn't have to 'work' for your happiness."
More honestly, Eve wants to know how Miss J would deal with an overbearing mother in law. She is pleased to discover Miss J's "willingness to have the family involved" in her relationship with Kiptyn. Run. Away. Anyway, blah blah Davia is all excited to know that Kiptyn would be unlikely to propose if he had to do it in 3 weeks, and we are done here.

Even though, god GOD this episode is long due to the introduction of 5 men, we must now go to Jesse's home, the Sully Winery, in CarMEL, Ca. He is apparently hoping she thinks his tractor's sexy, as he has her hop up for a little 1:1 before they meet the family.
Jesse: "What are you most worried about with me?"
Jillian: "That you're ready for this commitment."
Jesse: "Hmmm."
Way to dispell those concerns, Jesse.

But we love Jesse's parents, Dad Joseph a/k/a Kenny Rogers and mom Betty. Brother Jacob is batshit however, and also thinks he is a poet and/or wildebeest/yetti with the long hair and beard. Showing what a well-loved house should look like, Jesse's home is full of nicknacky corners with pictures and joy on the walls. Unfortunately, that joy does not extend to Jacob:
"Girls are expensive," he announces as Jesse shoots him daggars over the dinner table. And then later on: "So, you love this chick? Does she want to have babies?" he asks. And then, "she's a cutie," followed by Jesse's response, "Yeah, a honey boo bear." We cast the hairy eyeball at that name and are thankful for small things, like not dating Jesse.

Joining Reid's brothers for the title of Worst Wingmen Ever, Jacob asks Miss J: "Have you two been naked together?" And then "Yeah, Jesse's a late bloomer. He moves slower, etc. He's like a little emotional ice cube. I haven't seen anyone yet that could break his shell. But you're a lot better than the other girlfriends he's brought home." We just don't even know what to say.

Jesse attempts to save himself by telling her that "every time I see you, I want to take a step forward," which is just a lovely thing to say. And also, his family rocks out as a band with Jesse on the drums, Jacob on guitar, Dad playing the tambourine, and mom dancing. While these things are plusses, we are pretty sure he is toast.

Finally, FINALLY, we get to the last hometown date with Wes. In a hard edit, we cut straight to Wes introducing Miss J to his band . . . Sexual Chocolate!!! Okay, not really, but ABe cannot stop thinking about Coming to America and we would rather think about that than Wes, so there you go. "Blah blah, you give me a feelin like you gave me way back when," he sings. And we know that feeling (all of us), and that feeling is of an ant between our toes. But he's still not done: "They s-a-a-ay, they say that love, it don't come e-e-e-e-a-a-a--sy." RAGENOGAHPHILIPGLASS STOP IT.

We are so annoyed with Wes that we don't want to spend any time on him. Basically, he is a bully. And here at the BNU, we Hate Bullies.
Miss J worries to him "what if I pick you and all this takes off?"
He says "It's already takin' off, baby. You gotta get on the train, because it's already rollin.'"
Miss J: "Do you think I'm your type?"
Wes: "Yeah I do, but this is the deal. I have to, um, have you to myself. I don't want to have to keep answering this question. You know how I feel. I am not a good liar. So I might as well tell you the truth."

Wes is a manipulative fuckwit.

Like a K-night in shining armor, we cut to Jacques el Piloto flying in to Texas to save Miss J from herself. Oh, ha cha cha we love the nod to Top Gun. El Piloto reveals to the camera that Wes confided in him several times that he has a girlfriend and that her name is Lauren. So he has come to Tell Miss J the Truth. But when he appears at her hotel room door as she is waiting to be picked up by Wes for their time with his family, all Miss J can think is "oh no, he's come back to ask for a second chance."

Except this is the thing. As wooden as El Piloto has been of late, he is still a very nice boy. He struggles as he tells Miss J about the girlfriend and warns her that if Miss J asks Wes, he will tell her that Wes and said girlfriend used to date, but no longer do and are just "really good friends." He then watches as her face falls, and tells her he's staying in the same hotel if she needs him to come up. AND, he cries in the hallway about how she is "just an innocent girl looking for love and Wes is in the way." Okay, "innocent girl" may be doing it too brown, but he's right that Miss J needs someone to save her from herself. And also, way to set Jake up as the next Bachelor, ABC.

But then. . . Wes comes to pick her up. Miss J confronts Wes, calls Jake to the rescue, Jake confronts Wes, Wes cannot look Jake in the eye when insisting that he doesn't have a girlfriend, Wes tells Miss J that he HAD a girlfriend names Lauren but they broke up and are now good friends (ooo, El Piloto called it), Jake leaves, and Wes tries to get out of things with Miss J by bullying: "Well, you're going to have to figure this out," and "I don't want to drag this out if it isn't going to amount to anything," and my favorite, "It will either have to end here or you are going to meet my family, but you decide." So, *shocker,* Miss J caves and goes to meet his family.

But suddenly, we understand why Wes is the way he is. He is surrounded by women (mom and three sisters) who kiss his ass. When Jillian and Wes raises the "we were late for dinner because I was accused of having a girlfriend," the women all agree that "Guys are always jealous of you, Wes." Boooo.

Por fin, it is the day of the Rose Ceremony. As Miss J wanders her hotel room, she hears a knock on her door. She opens it to find . . . . ED!!! ABe just peed a little. Ed has come to plead his case. Oh, he made the wrong decision in prioritizing work over her. Oh, he apologizes for hurting her like that! Oh, he had a little break down when he came home and realized that he had been an utter fool and please please please give him another chance.

While we have mixed feelings about the "I have changed my ways" speech, which this effectively is, we really like Ed (and ABE REALLY likes Ed), and so we are not surprised when Miss J says ok, he's back in the saddle and can come to the rose ceremony. But: Miss J must now send TWO men home instead of one, since she can only bring 4 men on the overnight dates (and also because this season seems to never end).

And at last, the moment of truth. We should like Miss J's yellow dress, except that she clomps in instead of gliding, and this dress is for gliding. She announces the resurrection of Ed, the other guys get all worried (except Wes. Tool.), and she picks:
1. Reid
2. Kipytn,
3. Ed, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand . . . ..
4. WES.

NO!!!! B boy and Jesse go home. Jesse leaves with no words. But b boy, for whom our heart breaks, says that "for a girl that just broke my heart, I could not say a bad thing. Wow, I started to love that girl, didn't I? I have no doubt that the next time I had seen her, I would have told her that I loved her and been down on one knee pretty quick. If there are three things I could say to her now, it would be 1. She's beautiful, 2. I'm going to miss her, and 3. Be happy."

Okay, we officially rescind all disparaging remarks about b boy. This guy is a gem and we are sad for him.

And yet, we soldier on until next week, when Wes tells Miss J: "My girlfriend. I mean, my ex girlfriend." $10 says she still keeps him.

-- Peace.
KLo

Miss J, Eh Part 6: Come on Ride the Train (Choo Choo Ride It).

That's right, Miss J Eh Part 6 starts off with the announcement that the boys and Miss J are taking a little train sojourn across British Columbia and parts of Alberta! B boy's goal is to get a "private car and some smoochy smochiness." Tannest has never been to Canada OR ridden on a train. But Miss J has taken it to heart that she is a lumberjack and she's okay: because what better to go with blue stretch pants and ginormous earings than a brown-belted red flannel shirt. But suddenly, we don't care about Miss J's ability to a saw a log because good lord, what is that awful noise?

"WEl. Come. To ThE. RoCky. MountanEer. En. Joy. the RIde," says a disembodied voice from nowhere. Wait a minute, that is Alex Trebek! Only, "it's like if ALex Trebek and a Speak-N-Spell had a child," says KMu.

And licketysplit we are off to date #1, which happens ON the train with Rosmo. He tries to teach her bartending tricks. His motto for tonight is "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can get a rose." She takes him to the caboose, where he says he is "on the right track." Rage. RAGE. Although eating dinner on their laps, Miss J is concerned that he is only ready for a serious relationship and not all the things that come with it. Is he, in short, the little engine that can? (see we can do it too).

Gentle readers, Rosmo is "kinda inbetween jobs right now" (which is really bad if the dude is a bartender). But don't worry, for:
"Love has no age."
"Love has no job."
"Love can certainly happen at any time."
Jillian is like "um, let's go downstairs." KMu secretly out-loud wishes that ABC would send two of the bachelors up to the roof of the train where they can duel for a rose as a bridge fast approaches, a la James Bond. There can BE only one survivor. The other one . . . not so much. But alas, going "downstairs" only means going to Miss J's boudoir, which includes a horrifying day bed all wrapped in red mosquito netting and OMG IT'S THE KITTY.

The Kitty from Season Big Daddy has been draped over the bed and covered in chinese checkers-like pillows. Rosmo lays J down upon said Kitty and worries out loud about how nervous he gets around her. And then: uh oh. There is a poor helpless little chipmunk in the track of the immediately approaching train. Is this foreshadowing? We think yes. As Rosmo and Miss J drink ice wine, she rushes through her prepared speech: "IfeelsoYoungAroundYoubutareYouReadyforMore?" And that's right, babies: Rosmo gets the Axe. As he is dumped unceremoniously in the Canadian wilderness for being under 30 (and therefore undateable. Good girl, Jilly), the remaining boys/hens all teeter to the window to watch. B boy, in his Members Only leather jacket, starts to CRY: "this is where it gets real. The dam has broke. The floods are coming." Did B boy have a bromance with Rosmo?

We will never know, as West the Tool is now sneaking up on Miss J while she sleeps with her face perilously close to the Kitty and all Big Daddy/Molly nastiness associated therewith. Says Wes to the camera: "Right now, at this stage of the game, if there's anyone here with a hidden agenda, it's probably me. Because I've been workin' on an album for over a year. I've worked really hard in my life to get to where I am. I've got nothin to lose, and everything to gain. I just slip right back into Jillian Mode." Ew EW and no no nooooo!

But Miss J is all glad that Wes the T. came to visit her, as she was feeling rough about informing Rosmo that his ticket had expired. She sighs of safe and happiness around Wes, and laments that there aren't enough jerks (so it's harder than she thought to let boys go). "I dunno," says Wes. "You might want to stick around longer. There's a few." And then: "I just want more time with you."

Of COURSE you do, fucknut. Because then you get more on-air time too. Reading this viewer's mind, Wes crapweasel ratfink tool says to the camera: "The fame I get from this [he starts touching himself. ew.] . . . it's almost like I taste it. I eat it. It comes inside of me and becomes a part of me. No doubt this is gonna help me. I'm gettin' excited. I got records to sell. I'm a [bleep] hidden agenda [bleep] here. I'll always have Jillian wrapped around my little finger."

You know, we feel the indignation, except not so much. Because if Miss J is dumb enough to keep this toolbox around, then really, she deserves him.

In any event, as the boys are eating breakfast with Miss J, she explains that letting Rosmo go "broke a little piece of my heart." Okay, Janis, so what was last night: Me and Bobby McGee? Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose, babies. But what better way to assuage the pain of Rosmo's demise than . . a group date with B boy, Tannest, Jesse the winemaker, Jacques el Piloto, and Kiptyn! "Next stop, Rocky mountain romance!" says the date card. We don't really care anymore, as this means that Reid gets the last 1:1 date, rah rah rah!

"NExt. StoP. EmEralD laKe." says Speak-N-Spell Trebek as the boys all pile out for some snowshoeing adventures. Tannest, my babies, grabs snowshoes to match Jillian's little red hoody and helps her put them on because he "just wants to get closer to those feet. Unfortunately, they were in boots, but anything I can do . . . " Damn, Tannest.

Oh! They decide to play hide-n-seek in the woods. "Hey, let's dig a foxhole and pretend we're getting bombed by the Nazis" says KMu. While we are not at all excited about hide and seek, Jake finds Miss J and "slips in a little cuddle" [insert wooden chuckle]. Okay, we are starting to feel very put off by El Piloto, which is confusing as he is so very yummy if only he would not open his mouth. As for her take on their little "cuddle," Miss J opines that "snow is forgiving. You can do ANYTHING in the snow." We wonder what they did, exactly.

As the boys play, Reid wanders the train alone, asking the staff what he should wear and say on his pending date with Miss J. We heart Reid. And also, we disagree with the woman who said no glasses on the date because we think your glasses are h.o.t. That is all.

Finally done with the snowshoes, the group date people all go to The Lodge. Oh oh oh, Jake is "really falling for this girl." So he tells her what every woman wants to hear: "You remind me of my mother. I think that's why I'm so comfortable around you. You are just so nurturing." Ahahhahahaa, and the Darwin Award goes to Jake.

Blah blah we have some more 1:1 times and then B boy wants to know what Miss J wears when she sleeps. "He is SO that guy from Jr. High," says ABe. Next, we're all going to play spin the bottle, followed by Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board, and then ABe is going to put KMu's hand in warm water so that she pees her sleeping bag. But the boys all twitter when Miss J says her underwear and/or tanktop, depending on how much she's had to drink. In response, B boy admits that he always must have an article of clothing on, even if it's just his shorts on one leg.

Wait a minute, is b boy a NeverNude?

And then: Tannest announces that he "could show" Miss J what she sleeps in. This, my dears, is the Point of No Return (no pun intended). Tannest drops trou to display what he describes as "panties" and then does a fair imitation of paddle ball, with the ricocheting flip-floppityness of a heated battle between bits vs. pelvic region. Miss J doesn't know where to look. WE cannot look away. "I'm not ready to see the package, even though it was huge," says Miss J.

So of course Tannest gets 1:1 time on THE KITTY and its biracial friend, Kitty #2. Okay, seriously, does ABC have a Kitty Handler? Like, "we lost all the pillars and drapery in a wild votive fire, but don't worry, because Otis (the handler) has the Kitty in his room?" We debate the merits of this theory, the presence of the Mixed Kitty, and sing Ebony and Ivory until ABe says "Listen, we just have to get through this." We all take a drink and then:

Tannest opens up a tube of lotion and starts massaging Jillian's feet on The Kitty. "Her feet are ridiculous. They are the closest thing to perfection I have seen, and I have critiqued a LOT of feet. "
Miss J: "And then, I really am looking for a partn. . . "
Tannest: "Your feet are softer than shit." (let's think about this).
Says Tannest to the camera: "High arches. Painted toenails. No awkward shaped toes. I've rated The Feet at a 9 to 9 1/2. If she painted them Mango Mango, they would be a 10." Yes, babies, he knows the names of nail polishes. And then:
"Now that I've felt how soft her feet are, I am ready for her to meet my family."

We are Walking It Off as Jesse the Winemaker and Miss J have another date on The Kitty & Kitty #2 (why WHY?). We don't really remember what is said here except that he appears normal in comparison and states that he would really like to take her to Carmel. "Wait," say we, "is he from Indiana?" And we are instantly corrected that Jesse the W is from CarMEL, Ca, and not Carmel, IN. Oh. That's fancity. Blah blah 1:1 time with b boy goes much the same. We don't really hear what they are saying, however, because we are too busy salivating with ABe over the s'mores that Miss J and b boy are making.

As this little tete-a-tete is transpiring, Tannest reveals to the boys in the Lodge that HE was the one to tell Miss J that someone has a girlfriend. Wes goes all defensive: "I can't stand a tattle tale. I can't STAND it. I keep other people's names out of my mouth." blahdy blah. Of course, he then admits "I don't give a fuck. I already made it 6 shows already. I've already sung my song that I wrote for Jillian. Frickin' serenaded her with it. I got what I wanted. If I can get a little publicity, I can haul ass. Or I can stay on the show a little longer and try to get the girl."

"He is an awful human," says Tannest. We secretly think the last laugh is on Wes: While it is true that he has gotten exposure, it is also true that everyone now knows his songs suck.

Okay, so Jake tries to confess his love to Miss J by starting out with "there are a couple of things he hasn't been honest about," (dude, save yourself), and then everyone jumps in the hot-tub for 5 minutes so that Kiptyn can get the Safety Rose, for reasons we are not really sure. Then off we go to the last 1:1 date with Reid, sans glasses (boo) at Lake Louise.

We are excited that our auntie has a lake named after her, and also feeling somewhat complacent at this point, so we don't think much about this date. Reid snowboards with Miss J to her everlasting delight, because he is apparently a good skiier but novice snowboarder. They have drinks in an ice-sculpted lounge, which would be deadly for this viewer as she would want to lick the table. And, they eat meat fondue (ooo! We just did that for the first time too!) ON THE KITTY as Reid freaks out about the raw meat touching raw meat and the length of time said meat has been standing. Between this viewer and yourselves, we would be more freaked about the Kitty. But regardless, germophobes need love too. Joyously, he gets the rose.

At last we come to our final destination: Banff. Looking very rough around the edges, Chris Harrison meets the group and hauls Miss J away for a little analysis: Oh, she doesn't even think Wes knows how to lie, so genuine is he! Oh, Jake is so perfect! Oh, Tannest focuses too much on the other guys and not enough on them when they talk! Oh, b boy is so young.

We try to care except what we really want is the rose ceremony, which seems to be taking place in the middle of the day. But when it happens, we cannot decide if we like Miss J's dress, which is short and black and satiny on top but then all sequins on the bottom. And also, has a outlying zipper down the back "like a wetsuit" says PMu (who has resurfaced from hiding outside). In any event, Miss J is not ready! She stands before the men, hesitates, and then pulls b boy into the hall. Is he really ready, she questions him? And he Dances For His Life: "I am not a guy who needs to know a lot of girls. I have not had a 1 night stand. I don't do that. I don't need that to find the woman I love. I always wanted to be a young dad." Okay, 10,000 points for using the W word, and also, that was kind of sweet.

And it saves the day!! To join Kiptyn and Reid with roses, she picks:
1. Jesse. You know, we are going to climb into the television and shave that damn scrotee.
2. WES. (NOOOOO). And,
3. B boy.

omg omg OMG, Tannest and Jake the Pilot go home! Poor Tannest "knows she would have not let him rub her feet" if she was put off by his fetish. And Jake, in probably the most unguarded moment he has had to date, says that "golly," he cannot believe how many times he has seen this happen. That Miss J has a dangerous guy. A young guy. A flimsy guy in there. And that if she is not careful, she will Get Hurt. He is Tired of Always Finishing Last. Oh!

Stay tuned for next week, babies, when the boys take Miss J home to meet their families (except Wes, who takes her to meet his band).

KLo

Miss J, Eh Part 5: Touched For the Very First Time

Tonight, tonight, Miss J "takes the boys to wonderland." That's right: Welcome to Whistler. As she is packing in the fuzzy slippers and robeyness, she is all "but who can I trust? Who has a girlfriend?" and also "I am so excited to hit the slopes with a bunch of 'great guys.'"
Whatever happens, "Keep Ed," sayeth ABe.
"That's right, even if only for your internet connectivity issues," sayeth KMu.
As the boys pile out of their travel trailer and into the hotel, we are secretly coveting Miss J's fingerless gloves (although we do not understand why she wears them inside the hotel). However, we are annoyed with Jesse's standards speech: "blah blah its getting real. . . blah blah." More disturbing is Rosmo's striped fedora. And yet, we are still unprepared for the first date card to go to b boy: "Come fly with me. Love, Jill." Ow!!! B boy is wearing a leather jacket that SNAPS AT THE NECK like my windbreaker from 4th grade. He prances around the room " I've had dates with 7, 9, and 10 other guys and didn't really get any 1:1 time with Jill!!"
"Time to blow it," says KMu.

And then: dude. B boy appears for his date with Champs (Elysees) Crotch. You know the type: his pants are so tight, and his legs so skinny, that he's got the sunlight streaming through his Arc de Triomphe, if you know what I'm saying. He is also wearing his towel-with-a-hood sweatshirt again. This is not a good look.

Off we go to "Zip Trek Encounters," where Jillian goes zipping down the trek upside down, followed shortly by b boy: "1. 2. 3. Hit it." Oh oh oh b boy is deep: "zipping could be directly related to love. You know, you kind of get out there on the edge. You gotta commit to it. And you jump." Jump. Jump. Kris Kross'll make you. Jump Jump. The Mac Dad will make you. Jump Jump. But Miss J is loving it, as she "wants to feel like she is 19 again" in her relationships. Yes, let's take a poll! How many of us want to FEEL 19 again? I mean, we would wear a bikini every day if we LOOKED 19 again, but we are pretty sure we don't want to be working the summer job or have a crush on that Boy With A Girlfriend and a Tendency to Wear Sports Socks with Dress Shoes ever again.

But we are trying valiently to be interested in this date. B boy is saying something offensive about "trying this in the bedroom later" as they zip down in tandem, and then he incessantly fiddles with his nose as Jillian talks about how this is "more fun" than skydiving because she is actually strapped to a guy she likes. B boy makes some sort of white guy gang symbol that would probably get him killed in some neighborhoods and then cheers to the "tandem hook up." Wow, is this ever awful. . . . .

And then, because it can't end yet, we get to do a wine/champagne tasting with "Andre:" "Burgundy makes you think of silly things; Bordeax makes you talk of them; Champagne makes you do them. Have a wonderful date," says he as he teaches Miss J to pop the cork with a machete. This is the prelude to Miss J "getting real" with b boy: He is ready to settle down because he is a "cheesyass, like, helpless romantic who falls in love if, like, the woman kisses me on the mouth kind of guy," says he. How fortunate that Miss J "doesn't need to be a trophy wife" or a "nice house" or "tip toe through fields of tulips every day" because he's a BREAK DANCE INSTRUCTOR Jillian. Really, she just wants to "stay up late drinking wine and talking about the day."

We look at ourselves, sandwiched between KMu and ABe with the vino and the stretchy pants, and we have to agree that it's a pretty great life.

But then, b boy disparages us. "Why did you sign up for this?" asks J. "Well, I broke up up 8 months ago and have not been on a date with a girl. Or a boy (he clarifies). Since then. I just closed up that part of my life." (babies, he is twenty-five). "Besides, girls in the midwest. They don't put their hair down, pull their skirts up, kick off the heels, or dance around . . . " "Or take of their pants, or run naked through the chapel . . . " says ABe. That's right, b boy. The Buck Run is alive and well in the midwest, and if you don't think women know how to air their bits, then well you went to the wrong college. And also: 10 points deducted for calling us "girls."

But blah blah he gets the Safety Rose on this date for being a "lot of fun." But it's followed by the Friendly Hug instead of a passionate kiss, so we know he's toast in another week or so.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the next date card comes for Wes the Tool, Rosmo, Kiptyn, Ed, Mark the pizza guy, Tannest, Jaques el piloto, and Reid. "Let's call it a snow day." Which apparently means a group date in "Callaghan Country," snowmobiling two by two into the wilderness for a little random 1:1 time with Miss J on the back of said snowmobile. Rosmo goes first. We think he's kind of sweet, and definately the 25-year-old opposite of b boy as he looks her in the eye and talks about not having a girlfriend (so . . . this is apparently where Jillian grills all the guys in an effort to find out Who Is The Cheater). But he is followed by Tannest, who still doesn't actually admit which guy allegedly has a girlfriend but spends his entire 1:1 time alluding to that possibility. We are tired of Tannest.

Yet Crapweasel Wes takes the cake: "Wassup, baby? I'm havin' a blast," says he as they lounge in the snow. Oh, he got "pretty pissed" alright with the events of the last rose ceremony. "Of course, the other guys think I'm here for the wrong reason. I mean, I'm the one with a new CD coming out [it drops on July 15. Downloads for free on itunes under my stage name Big Giant Tool] . . . but that ain't it. I mean, I've been workin' on this CD [tentatively titled, Love Don't Come Easy, But I Do] for 1 1/2 years. My sister signed me up for this show. I mean, whatever happens, happens. That's how I live my life." As he says to the Camera Confessional later on: "There's no doubt this would help my publicity, but that's not why I'm here."

Rage. RAGE. Of course, Miss J eats it up. "He's such a sweetie." Yes, like ant poison.

But now Jillian is dancing on the ice-bar, and falling into Ed to "catch her." Yay Ed! Oh wait, except we have to get through 1:1 time with Kiptyn back at the lodge first, who is wearing a Morton Salt Girl hat or something. Yet somehow, Miss J "cannot process what he is saying because he is so cute." Of course, they make out and we are totally uncomfortable as we are 12 inches away, so close is the camera angle. mmm, salty.

And then: 1:1 with Reid. This viewer loves Reid. We would Wet That Whistle.

Right. ANYWAY, Reid says she smells good, like snow and flowers, and once again gracefully sidesteps Miss J's pointed question about who has the girlfriend by telling her he has several, and also two wives (oh, Reid, let me be a part of that polygamist sect). We will forgive you, Reid, for having tucked your t-shirt into your jeans in a weird way because we heart you almost as much as Richard the Science Teacher from Season Double D (R.I.P. Richard).

But crisis: in her 1:1 time with Ed, he announces that he has gotten a call from his boss. Said boss issued an ultimatum about Ed getting his butt home because things are going to hell in a handbasket. He doesn't know what to do: "If Jillian gave me the indicators, I could walk away from my career here." We are In A Tizzy. Though Miss J gives him the Safety Rose, which he can then "decide to keep or give back" over the next few days, we are on the (soft, comfortable) edge of the Mus sofa. Jacques el Piloto, whom we believe knows Ed best, says "In this economy, sometimes the right decision is to bow out. I am confident that he will not be here" at the next rose ceremony. Nooooooooo.

And with that cliffhanger, we must suffer through the final date with Jesse the winemaker. This date apparently means taking a plane to a glacier, where they may frolick like children. Except there is something ickity about Jesse's mouth. (Oh wait, KMu reminds me that I am actually confusing Jesse with the boy who asked this viewer out recently. You know, the one with NO TEETH). Anyway, Jesse is excited to go where "everything is white and smooth and never been touched before." Sing with me: "Like a virgin, Hey!" He and Miss J run around for awhile as we are forced to look over and over again at his reflective aviator glasses and terrible homemade puce knit cap. "You have the body of a gymnist," says he. We vomit a little.

At dinner (you mean this date is not over yet?), Miss J grills Jesse about his past relationship and wants to know if it's too soon to start dating again. No, he reassures her that it's totally fine because in his last relationship, he kept thinking, 'how am I gonna get out of this?" Wow, we bet his ex is loving that. But Jillian is already dictating Chapter 2 in her Feminist Manifesto: "I'd really just like to put my life in a guy's hands for a while, move to where he is and start my career there." Suddenly, we feel tired. As does Jesse, apparently, as he tells Miss J that her "sexy, raspy voice" could put him to sleep. Miss J says that "it sounds like I've been drinking whisky since I was born," which, if true, would explain why she feels 19 years old.

This date concludes in the hot tub, where Jesse is "ready to take it to the next level" but cannot stop cleaning his teeth with his tongue long enough to do so. And yet somehow, gets a Safety Rose.

Then: OH NO. ABe's beloved Ed has called Jillian to him the day of the rose ceremony. He must say goodbye because of his job! If he leaves, he realizes he is letting her down, but if he stays, then he is letting 6 or 7 people down. He wipes her tears. He doesn't want to give the rose back, however. He wants to keep it. She warns him not to let his work come between him and his True Love, if ever he finds her. Miss J is devastated! WE are devastated, both for ourselves and also for Miss J, as Ed is one of the only Normal People on the show. As Miss J says goodbye, she wanders blindly through the snow in her clydesdale fringy boots. Thank god she has a ginormous Anukshuk to point the way home!

If this viewer were ever lost, we would leave little anukshuks so that the Mus could find us before we were eaten by wild dogs. In fact, perhaps this viewer will start leaving anukshuks around the neighborhood now, just in case we are Cut by our Neighbor Dennis and then eaten by his two batshit schnauzers.

Anyway, the rose ceremony is upon us. Miss J is wearing another one of her boob-flap dresses, except this one looks like a fancy fan napkin on top -- which, for some reason, is more acceptable than the Free Makeover Dress, even if accompanied by a giant rhinestone cumberbund. Oh! She cries to Chris Harrison, who smiles with glee, as she describes the devastation that was Ed the I.T. guy's departure. How fortunate that "Ed was not the only guy I was falling for." (Congrats Ed, you probably made the right decision to save your job).

And, as a Woman Who Knows Her Mind, Miss J also doesn't need a rose ceremony to decide who she is going to give the boot tonight. We wonder if it will be Tannest, with his white v-neck t-shirt and sports jacket combo, or b boy (pretty in pink), or Wes the Tool in our mother's tweed suit coat.

But joining b boy and Jesse (and Ed, R.I.P.) with the roses, Miss J picks:
1. Reid!! I would soak that . . .
2. Kiptyn
3. Rosmo
4. Jacques el piloto
5. Tannest (ohhhhhhhhhhh the air just left our viewing area, so great were the gasps)
6. We all knew this was coming . . . . Wes. Who of course says "sorry about Ed" when he gets his rose. He is SO That Guy. Tool.

Mark the pizza guy goes home. Poor dude says he has been cheated on 4 times, so he has this big wall up. Oh! Though we were never that into you, we hope you find a Nice Girl.

Stay tuned for next week, when Tannest jiggles his bits around in his tighty whiteys for Miss J because "that's what daddy wants," Wes announces that he's also "gotten what he wants" with the publicity and now must figure out a way to bow out, and Reid (we think. And if so: crisis) experiences a "problem in the bedroom" due to the stress of it all.

KLo

Miss J, Eh Part 4: T & A (You've got em, hey, Top to Bottom, hey)

Part 4 begins with exciting news: The boys are leaving the bunkhouse for . . . Vancouver! Somebody will have to help Wes with his shoes, since it looks like he's wearing a Snuggie. At any rate, though there will be one group date, one 2:1 date, and one 1:1 date (and a partridge in a pear tree), this news cannot mask the excitement. B boy, wrapped up in a hooded towel, says he is "not hungover anymore" due to the promise of his cross-boarder escape. David RR Trucker still looks drunk, in his open shirt and nastiness. We keep expecting foam at the mouth.

But then here we are in Vancouver at the Fairmont hotel (oo la la). First, we heart Jillian's dress, despite the belt and likely stealth shoulderpads. Second, the boys are all excited that they have a bathroom inside the hotel, and we realize the poor babies must not have traveled much. At any rate, Rosmo is all stressed about time with the J. But JuanyOnly, that sly dog, is hoping for a 1:1 because he thinks he can really "shine" and "come out of his skin and show her what I'm about." Okay, if JuanyOnly unzips himself to deposit an alien baby on Jillian's feet, we are done here.

Alas for JuanyOnly, date card #1 is for Kiptyn the business developer: "Let's cook up a little love, Vancouver-style." Jake, who has returned to our screen after a brief hiatus (damn you, ABC) is happy: "Finally, a girl that likes the nice guy. I don't know why girls go for the edgy bad guy." Jake gets a point for being excited about another dude's opportunity, but that point must be taken away for calling us "girls."

As Kiptyn and Jillian run towards each other on date #1, we think "this could work" and then "oh hell no" with the babydoll jacket she has foist upon us. We did not spend three years in high school trying to make the babydoll Work For Us only to see its return 15 years later. But soon we are in kayaks racing towards a bridge on the way to the market and omg omg omg OMG Kiptyn look out for that boat! We are stressed as Kiptyn nearly gets Taken Out by the ferry before Miss J can make her signature "peahsta sauce."

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, a bird is roosting on top of a pink tree on Tannest's shirt, and we just do not know what to think. Surely he would have gotten this from his 'tween sister, straight from the pages of Delia's magazine and sized 16x just for him. Untroubled by his ensemble, he is looking forward to there being only "top notch guys" left. Jacques el Piloto concurs: "She doesn't want a leach. She wants a man." Yes, unfortunately, those can be the two alternatives.

Unfortunately, Tannest's shirt proves to be foreshadowing, Kiptyn and Jillian continue their date with talk of charities and "giving back" and feed dirty nasty birds by hand before rubbing the same hands all up and down each others' faces in a kiss. They then go to the market, which we covet, and then back to her place to COOK with those hands: pasta, homemade sauce, and a touch of bird. Both of them are in her apron as she plates the food.

This, babies, is "every girl's dream. For her to be in the kichen and sort of hot and flustered because she's SO worried if the meal will turn out right or wrong and her guy comes and kisses her on the neck."

Right, Miss J, that's MY dream too. Only it starts with him in the kitchen.

But Kiptyn and Jillian, gentle readers, are filling out their online dating profiles as we speak. His biggest turn on? Spontanaity. What she looks for in a guy? A big heart, loving, sense of humor, and "physically, go look in the mirror." As they look like they are about to start the lamaze classes, so close together they are in their cross-leggedness, he confides that one of his flaws is that he doesn't tend to pursue people, and so he's generally been stuck dating only those people who have come to him. We think that's sort of interesting of him.

And then . . oh oh oh, she has the biggest papasan chair for two ever!! Though we are now in the paleofuton era, we heart this chair and think fondly of our days in which le papasan was the only furniture we owned. As they cuddle up and look out at the stars, Miss J gives another incredibly long speech and hands him the safety rose. He will live to fight another day! KMu, however, cannot get past his "hungry hungry hippo tongue" with its darting marble-searchingness as he gives her a Kiss of Thankfulness. And now we cannot get past that image, either.

So . . . we trot off to date #2 with Jesse the winemaker (who, unlike his beverage, will not age well), Tannest, Jake the Pilot, Rosmo, Wes the Tool, Ed the IT guy, B boy, Reid, JuanyOnly, and David RR Trucker. "Who can sweep me off my feet?" quoth the card. They are going CURLING, babies. We are so excited for this date, as we have wanted to curl since obtaining a Canadian quarter with a person curling in a wheelchair (which is completely badass). The boys are divided into the blue team and the red team, with a Shocking Twist: Only the winning team gets to continue on this date! Game on, babies. GAME ON.

JuanyOnly is confident: "Curling is about flexibility, balance, and touch, and I got all three." We suspect he is one pas de bourree away from proving it and are glad for whomever asks Reid if his "husband curls too." LOL. Jake the Pilot, however, can't trash talk to save his life: "I look forward to saying goodbye to the guys on our way out the door to hang out with Jillian." But we are getting really tired of b boy, who yelled the names of everyone going on this date after they were announced, piggybacked into the ice rink on the back of some dude, and is all "Yo Blue Team COHME ON" like a yorkie. According to him: "Jillian looked so hot today. Sweatshirt. Spandex. Whoa. WHOA." Tonight, on a very special episode of Blossom, Joey will learn to breakdance. At least b boy manages to "keep J warm" with the hugs during this sporting moment, thereby being the smartest person on part 1 of this date.

In the end, Jesse the winemaker totally wins the day for the red team: "I put my head into it and I put the stone in the circle."

That's what she said.

As blue team goes home to lick their wounds, red team goes on the Yellowfin fishing boat to eat some lobster and hang out. KMu and this viewer gasp . . . and then rewind to see the brown sweater molded onto Jake the Pilot. Oh, he is a cheese tartlet of yum. All too soon we are treated to a giant bucket of lobster being served by a boat person, Mr. Nips, followed shortly by some 1:1 times.

Yay! Jake gets 1:1 time first! Only, crisis. They go all Captain and Tennille at the steering thingy, as Miss J dons a hat and Jake tells her that their date "made his year, his life." But will love, love keep them together? He tells Miss J that he has got a lot of flaws, but a "lot" of his exes think that he's "too perfect." He's been labeled as "too perfect his whole life." Hm, doctor's kid, anyone? She informs him that he can be himself, and he suddenly "doesn't know what she is looking for anymore" and admits to taking a big mental step back. Jake don't be a weenie-tot.

1:1 goes better with Jesse the winemaker (who will not age well). Except that he kisses like a suction cup/guppy/deatheater. Meanwhile, Jacques is asking DAVID RR TRUCKER "Do you think I'm too perfect?" And we are glad we are sitting down, as David says something lucid: "Girls (boo) like to be challenged a little. And I think that when you are so perfect, it may seem like you can't challenge them."

But predictably, David lives up to his toolish self in his 1:1 time. Ooooo, he "feels like there is a good connection" with Jillian. He thinks there is attraction between them, but "when J wears her hair like that" there is a "lot more." Especially in the spandex. Which is the "perfect outfit." Because her "ass is phenomenal." And lest she didn't hear it the first time, her "ass is hot." And also, Miss J should, and "probably does," "look at her ass all the time in the mirror." And also, he is content to just walk behind her and look at her "ass in the spandex." He loves that's she's so comfortable . . . look at her, with her "tit hanging out" of her shirt. And, after all of this, he THEN goes in for the kiss. Followed by the biggest dodge on Season Miss J.
David RR T: "I don't get a kiss?"
Miss J: "Not after the word 'tit.'"
David RR T: " Everybody's got a kiss so I want one. All of the guys I've talked to in the house have told me they've gotten to kiss you multiple times. If I don't get a kiss, I feel like I'm not going to get a rose. Now I'm in a weird spot because I've never been turned down for a kiss before. Why wouldn't you want a kiss after the word 'tit?' If the roles were reversed, I would have totally kissed you."

Let's see, how many ways could Mr. Veruca "I want a golden egg and I want one now!" possibly insult Miss J in the span of three minutes?
1. My attraction to you depends on how you wear your hair.
2. You should totally be pleased that I would rather walk behind you and look at your "ass" and talk about your "tits" in one of our first 1:1 times together than actually learn about you.
3. You are loose, kissing everyone.
4. You are a prude, refusing to kiss me.
Oh wait . . . .he just pulled on the neckline of her blouse. That's right:
5. I think I'll grope you now.

Big D thinks that Miss J "set him up and then turned the cheek" and that really all she is doing is "challenging him" instead of telling him he is a GIANT TOOL. He "loves it." Love it no longer, Big D, because you just bought your ticket home.

Jesse the winemaker gets the safety rose on date #2, and soon we are off to date #3 with Mark the Pizza Guy and Mike the Baller. We don't really understand how this could even be a close choice, but apparently Miss J is at a draw. We like Mike the Baller's attitude (even if he is 28 and therefore undateable): "I am on a 1:1 date with Jillian and Mark is just a curve." They ride off in the helicopter together, with Mike sitting between Jillian and Mark, and then reappear for dinner at a mountain top ski resort, where Mike toasts and describes all of the reasons why he is attracted to Miss J, as Mark sits awkwardly. Except we're not really sure he is listening to her, as Miss J says she would not be okay if she didn't find a partner, followed by "You seem so confident, like you don't need anyone" from The Baller.

Of course, Mark's contribution to the conversation is "I would be content by myself and almost didn't do this whole thing. Really, there's a 50/50 chance on me going to Alaska with my dog right this very second." Poor Mark, he feels as guarded on this date as "a quarterback behind a whole line of defensive men." Um, Mark, that would mean you're about to get sacked.

The Baller continues his assault on the gates of Miss J. To the tune of EZ listening, Mike wants a wife. If he ended up with Miss J, he knows he could make her happy, care for her, provide for her. "So," sayeth KMu, "he is a hunter/gatherer." "Him and me have a lot more in common than I thought," ponders Miss J. What, like bad grammar?

The 1:1 with Mark the pizza guy is a Tale of Woe. He has had a couple relationships that have made it hard for him to do this, one that was long-term and "though not confirmed," believes involved cheating on the woman's end. But he talks of feeling in love and getting his heart broken, so we all know that that Miss J is going to Eat That Up.

And . . . she does. In a huge twist, Miss J sends Mike the Baller down from the mountaintop in a gondola, giving Mark the pizza guy the safety rose in his place! He tells her she deserves to be happy and says all the right things, but we are distracted by the gondola and the ricketiness and wonder how ABC is going to send the next boy home? Rickshaw? Camel? Moped? Back at the ranch, b boy is all "WHOA" (shocker) when The Baller's luggage is picked up for his flight home. We are more distracted by the dickey he is wearing. We once wore those, in Jr. High, until we realized that changing for gym class might be awkward. True Story.

And we have come once again full circle to the Rose Ceremony, my viewing companions. We love Miss J's dress, which is all spangly with mesh trimmings. We have all manner of 1:1 times here, first with Reid who we are liking more and more (in part because it takes a bold and blind man to wear glasses on this show). Reid admits to cliqueyness in the house and states that she would have a different view of the guys if she had a candid camera of them into the house, but neatly sidesteps her question as to whether she would like Wes or him more by wanting to kiss her. Oh, she will not bestow a kiss until he asks her something "random." "Who was your first crush?" Apparently, a boy named Vincent who wrote a song for her. Let us guess: "You sa - - -a-y. You say, that love, it don't come e- e-e-a-say."

Our first crush was a boy named GHu, who was the Main Target of this viewer's affection in the BCC (Boy Chasing Club), headquarted in this viewer's closet after the cardboard spaceship in our room became too cramped.

ANYWAY, we project rage back in time to Vincent, the likely source of Wes sticking around today. For Wes the Tool is laying it on thick with the "I have a whole lotta love to give" and the "I've only had three girlfriends in my entire life and have never cheated" and "I'm ready to relax, be at home with you and the kids" even if he makes the "Big Time." We are so skeezed right now that we do not mind the heckling boys from inside the house.

Speaking of, the boys are becoming frantic in their desire to Tell Jillian The Truth. In this, we heart Ed for persistently telling them that Jillian can figure out her own mind. And also Jacques el piloto, for telling her basically that he's a good guy, and that if she's looking for something else she needs to let him know, as there is also a "room full of boys" for her to choose from. But Tannest, o o o Tannest tells Miss J that there is someone with a Dark Secret in their midst. And that someone has a girlfriend (*cough*Wes*cough).

Miss J is traumatized. And, because this part annoys us, we are going to make it brief: Miss J refuses to have a cocktail party. She wants to know who has a girlfriend so that they can just go home and stop playing her affections. She will Turn This Car Around, Misters. Except she doesn't. So then we have an eon of everyone denying it and no one saying anything except that they are "pissed" at the person who has "ruined it for all" -- except David, who is pissed at whomever broke the Man Code by "snitching" on the other men. Wow, hizza Goth. Hizza Visigoth. Finally, Chris Harrison pops up with a "thanks for your honesty, men," and "so that we're clear, you are all here for Jillian," and they begin the rose ceremony. ARGH. There was no honesty to be had, and also WTF.

And she picks, to join Kiptyn, Jesse, and Mark:
1. Reid (yay).
2. Rosmo
3. Ed the IT guy
4. B boy
5. Wes (JuanyOnly starts to cry but masks it well behind 'oh my eyeball is really itchy')
6. Jacques el piloto
7. Tannest!

JuanyOnly and David are going home! Well, we all knew the later was coming. JuanyOnly wishes Miss J well, but David wants to know "Why?" Seriously, dude? Miss J delicately says that she "didn't think it was right," which he hears as "she couldn't tell me why."

And finally, we are done. Stay tuned for next week, when the group becomes a bit more manageable.

KLo

Miss J, Eh Part 3: The Mythical Unicorn

We prepare for Miss J Part 3 with flowers, and beveled glasses of vino in a dimly lit room. As KMu lights the Tea Lights of Embience, we settle into the sofa in excited twitterpation and think of one of our favorite Romance Novel lines: "He lay her down on her mother's sofa." Because, babies, we know that this very scene will be set by JuanyOnly if he makes it past Round 3. Oh oh oh, we feel so Close to the Action.


We are down to 16, babies, and this week there will be only two individual dates and one group date, still with not everyone getting a chance to shine. However, the boys who get roses on these dates get to move to the mansion with le J. But briefly, we don't care because we have flashed to Jaques el Piloto and his electric blue ball cap and yumminess. Sigh.

And then: bonus! Date #1 is with Ed the IT guy! "Love can be dangerous," says the date card. Okay, we heart Ed, but he is totally losing his pants until he changes for this date. We too have a healthy aversion to belts, but we are not on National Television. Anyway, we are glad he changes, because Magnum P.I. has given T.C. the day off to helicopter Ed and Miss J around LA. Oh, it's so natural! Oh, he has The Chemistry with Miss J! (Yes, yes he does. With all of us, actually.) Oh! they are going to rapel down the side of a building and into a pool . . . or actually be rapelled, inch by painful inch of a snail's pace, while screaming "whoo hoo! This is so fun!!!" for like half an hour. As they jump into the pool at the end, KMu is affronted: "are those JORTS?!?"

It's true, babies. He is wearing Jorts. Which are never okay for any occassion unless they are homemade, unhemmed, and also hugging Legs of Beauty. These are not those Jorts. Ed. Ed. Ed. Of course, as he kisses J in his jorts, she feels all like he "little Jillian, and this big guy is going to take care of me." Unless his jorts get stuck in the pool filter. But he apparently makes it because suddenly we are at dinner on top of another building, and Miss J has a total off-the armpit dress that we cannot figure out. We are a little stressed that she is One Slouch Away from clearing up those questions started with the Free MakeOver Dress once and foreall.

As they eat dinner, J determines that Ed has no bad qualities, though he does work a lot, including on the weekends sometimes. "I've been there before," says she, "and that's why I'm still single." Crisis. We wonder whether this is the reason we are still single and not our love of the Bachelor and dance shows and failure to wear a belt. We feel sad inside. As, apparently, does Miss J because she loses her train of thought here and opts to make out. We also see the warning signs because J has to ask Ed if he has any questions for her, which means that he must have given her the dreaded but woefully popular Interview Date. You know the kind (all of you): woman is forced to keep asking question after question and feels exhausted by the end but man thinks "Wow, that was really great. We had such a connection." The Interview Date is almost always followed by the "Buy Off," in which the woman pays for the date so as to not feel guilty about not going out again. But after the longest speech in individual-date-rose-giving history, Miss J gives Ed the safety rose. Whew.

Ooooo, back at the house, the next date card has arrived for Reid (whom we like, all of us), Wes the Tool, Mike the Baller, b boy, Tanner #1, Mark the pizza guy, Brad of the Coldsore, Rosmo, Kiptyn, JuanyOnly, and Tannest. "Show me the good, the bad, and the ugly." We secretly think that would be Jake, Wes, and David RR trucker, and why do we need a date for that (except to see Jaques, who is suspiciously absent this episode, dammit). But whatever.


The boys drive up in a stretch limo to this date, out in the middle of nowhere with a midwestern set from Days of Yore. Okay, there is a STRIPPER MIRROR on the ceiling of this thing, and blinkity lights, and we are convinced that the budgetary cuts that led to ABC giving Big Daddy and Molly a tent for their congratulatory gift have led ABC to ask P.Hilt if they could borrow her wheels and remove the pole. Wtf. But more random still is the dude fake-punching the other dude on said midwestern set, and then walking away with a "see you later, hoss."

It appears that Miss J "loves westerns." So all the boys must dress up and do little scenes with her. . . . most of which involve kissing Jillian, except for a scene between b boy and Mike the baller, in which they play "straight up gay dudes," according to b boy. Let's think about that one. "Oooo, I have breathmints!" breathes JuanyOnly. David RR Trucker is too interested in his shreaded leather tassel jacket, which he would apparently "wear in real life" (what, to an Airstreamers convention?), to care.

So scene #1 is in some bar with Brad Coldsore finance dude kicking ass and taking names. Followed by the worse kiss in history, even by Jr. High behind-the-bikerack standards. Dude just stands there with his arms at his sides, all ponchoed up, and stretches his neck forward like a baby bird. After what we are pretty sure was Brad's first kiss, he summarizes the Levels of Ick: "there's Bad Ass. And Super Bad Ass. And then there's me: Ultra Bad Ass." JuanyOnly is all "what the f*ck was that?!" B boy is shocked because Brad "didn't move his lips or anything." And Tannest concludes that this is the "worst kiss since 1988." What's your kiss going to be like, Tannest? "Take off your boots?" "Show me the little piggy that went to market?"

Scene 2 starts in a jail with a predictable "You boys have been bad. Real bad." from Miss J. OMG, we want to write for this show. We think she kisses Wes or something here. But Scene 3 is with Rosmo the Hobo: "I'm gonna get that gold and gonna get back to you as soon as possible." Rosmo isn't going to have to look very far, as the gold is hanging in ginormous plates from J's ears. He does a big twirly kiss at the end of the scene, for which we give him props, but we must remember that he is 25 and therefore undateable.

Anyway, Wes pulls Miss J away right under JuanyOnly's nose. Of course, JuanyOnly is too preoccupied with holding his prop signet ring up to the light and trying it on like the newly engaged person to care. Meanwhile, on the faux back porch of some building, Wes is all "I don't want you to be datin' these other guys, darlin. Not like you're cheatin' or anything [sidebar: that is the second time he has brought up cheating. wtf.], 'cause you're not, but let's just start weedin' out the other guys." We do not like Wes. We do not like his "handling" ways. Says Miss J, "because we've spent so much time together, I think Wes thinks I belong to him (you know, like chattel) . . . . which I think is really sweet." Boo.

And then we are at scene 4, with b boy and Mike the baller professing their love for one another. "We coulda had a good life, me and you. . . . I just can't quit you, Amos." Mike the Baller rises in our estimation for completely having fun with this scene, but we do think that Jillian missed a great opportunity to clear some things up by casting David RR Trucker and JuanyOnly.

Finally, Jillian takes the boys to a wrap party in some downtown loft, where they toast with lemonaid and Reid steals J away for some 1:1 time. We sort of like Reid, who has only been in love "1 1/2 times," but as Reid goes for the kiss . . . JuanyOnly comes out. Booo, we heart Reid for handling this gracefully, and also for teaching us a helpful tip: If a boy states "I don't kiss and tell" in response to the question "did you kiss her," it means "no." Anyway, JuanyOnly wants to 'clear the air and make sure we are on the same page." He wants to "first of all, thank J for the other night. For defending me and keeping me here." Yes, Juan, she will be your protector. And maybe, just maybe, let you move into the house where you can like, totally help her pick out her outfits and advise her on how to maintain her mani/pedi.

As much as we wish JuanyOnly would edge towards the front of the closet, we are totally terrified of David RR Trucker, who wants to "kill" Juan and informs everyone that if J were not there, he would have already "beaten his ass and gotten him out of the limelight" in a speech so full of bleeped epithets that we barely understand it. Eek.

But more interesting is Tannest, who is Taking It To a Whole New Level: "In the hot tub, Jillian's feet looked so good, I just wanted to put them in my mouth.. . . Daddy was 'this close' eee eee eee eee" as he acts out roping them in or downing a sandwich or whatever totally gross thing. ABe is wailing in horror and KMu is forced to walk it off. We suddenly realize that Tannest will probably die of dysentary from licking the feet of some be-sandled chick who has been walking around the streets of a third-world country.

Speaking of dysentary, Rosbo has stolen Miss J for some 1:1 time in a covered wagon/chair to ask the burning question we have all been wondering: "Whose kiss was the best?" Rosbo, you tool. You get 5 minutes with Miss J and THIS is what you ask? Of course, he is gratified because she says him, and then later gives him the safety rose. Blech.

And though this is long and you may be weary, we are only on Date #3, for Captain America. Captain America, my little pumpkins, applauds Jillian for doing a "good job picking him because he's well-rounded." Says ABe: "Oh, so he knows about oil AND gas." He likens the other men to "sheep," whereas he is a "wolf," looking for his "mythical unicorn."

We feel we have cursed this date by hearing C. Am. say "mythical uniform," because suddenly Jillian appears in a FORMAL SHORTS DENIM ROMPER. Somebody get JuanyOnly, stat. We have a fashion emergencia. Miss J takes the Captain to a car museum because she likes "anything with a motor." Ha ha mind = gutter. Anyway, he takes all manner of pictures of her and then lets her squeal through a ride in a Ferrari around town (of course, they let the guy drive the hot car). But, gentle readers, "there comes a point when holdling hands is not enough." Captain America yearns for more, tells Miss J the impassioned story of flipping his truck at 18, which shattered his pelvis and landed him in the hospital for a long time. We are impressed with C.Am., but then, he takes the Fatal Misstep: He tells Miss J he's told a couple people he loves them, but he's still looking for his "mythical unicorn/uniform." She's like, "Oh yeah, the unicorn!"

Wait, we're going to have a conversation on this point?

But in the end, the Captain doesn't get the rose. Jillian worries that she can't live up to his ideals, and that he needs more living, because he hasn't really had his heart broken. I mean, if she were going to have a "fling for a couple of years" (years?), that would be one thing, but she is here for the seriousness, babies. Dammit Jillian, C.Am. may not be the guy for you but you just totally ditched him based on your own insecurities, not his issues. And you kept Wes the Tool and b boy and David RR Trucker. Way to shoot yourself in the foot (and we all know how Tannest is gonna feel about that). As Captain America drives off, he laments that he arrived at the date in a limo, drove a ferrari, and went home on a bus. It has been "humbling." Oh!

Back at the house, Wes is singing : "You say, you sa - a- a-y, that love. It don't come e-e-e-a-s-a-y." Rage. RAGE. The boys are bored (we heart Mike the Baller for yawning) and Tannest lets the camera know that he's "got other skills," which this viewer hears as he's "got other heels." What is happening to us?!?! So Wes sneaks up to the house to serenade Jillian: "You say, you s-a-a-a-y that love, it don't come e-e-e-e-asay." stop it stopit philip glass RAGE. So Miss J invites him into the house to finish his seranade:
"You sa-a-a-y, you sa-a-a-y, that love. It don't come e-e-e-e-say." (RAGE. RAAAAAGE.)
"But I've got a feelin.' And I'm believing."
That lovin' you won't take that long."

What, like 2 minutes? Well that explains a lot.

Okay so finally the rose ceremony is upon us. We think we like Miss J's dress but upon closer inspection, it appears to be gold lame. Boo hiss. Ed is feeling confident. Reid finally gets his kiss, and David RR Trucker feels he is in the "Top 3 of people who have spent the least time with Jillian." He is used to being "top dog, and getting attention," babies. And he TELLS HER THIS. Yet she still admits that he was a "huge frontrunner" at the beginning. Jillian, pull with me. This viewer cannot save you by yourself. We are pretty sure we cannot save JuanyOnly either, who makes an ill-timed steal of Jillian during David RR Trucker's speech about how he's jealous of the other men. Well, that says a lot.

JuanyOnly wants Jillian to know that she "looks so pretty tonight. I see you in your little outfits and your boots, and your hoody sweatshirts and sweats. I've never seen you look bad." And we see the look of confusion on J's face and we want to soothe that troubled brow and assure her that yes honey, JuanyOnly is en fuego. But KMu is listing all of this viewer's little outfits ("And your law review sweatshirt. And your stretchy pants.") and we realize our friends know us really well and also, maybe we should step up the outfits a notch.

But David RR Trucker is going mad, MAD I tell you. He toasts to "real guys," and orders a group of would-be suitors to "drink this toast like a man." Meanwhile, Tannest is over in the corner admitting to the camera that he "doesn't have an agenda. He's here to "suck on some toes and meet some Jillian." Well thank god Captain America is gone, so Tannest doesn't get hair in his mouth. Tannest is here to "make a connection with Jillian's feet," dear readers. He wants to "kiss em, touch em, suck em, rub em, tweeze em." AUGH KMu and ABe do another walk off and this viewer shakes it out. Jillian is not sure she "gets" Tannest's obsession, as he tells her that his biggest turnoff is "ugly feet." Wwant to know what defines ugly. Por ejemplo, pretty but sweaty? Unsweaty but unpolished?

We never do learn the answer to these burning questions, as David RR Trucker is yelling at Ed to stop interrupting him and doing the drunk-man blink where the eyelids are going in relay instead of in tandem. Ed observes that David seems "a little" unstable and we heart Ed a little more. But David is yelling at the boys in the kitchen to "keep away from" him as he slams ice into his glass. He rages at a pack of boys about "JuanyOnly acting like he's too good for us and he doesn't hang out with the rest of us." Oh, well THAT is revealing. He orders JuanyOnly to get back inside when he comes out. David RR Trucker reiterates that he wants to "kill" JuanyOnly and orders him to stop being a "cheeseass."

We have determined that David wants to Tap That Cheeseass.

But the biggest surprise is Rosbo, who tells JuanyOnly that he "agrees with everything" that David has said. Dude, wtf.

And then . . . OMG OMG OMG there is a Person of Color on the set!! ABe has spotted her, like a wild giselle, stuck in the door in her ABC film gear and backpack like "oh hell these men are all batshit and oops here I am standing in the set during filming." That makes two, two POCs (ah ah ah): the limo driver and the soon-to-be-fired film crew person.

At last Miss J picks to go with Ed and Rosbo:
1. Jake (ooo, loopty loopty loop).
2. Reid!
3. Mark the pizza dude.
4. Jesse the winemaker.
5. Tannest (seriously?).
6. Wes the Tool (NOOO).
7. JuanyOnly.
8. b boy ("Bam!" says he).
9. Kiptyn.
10. Mike the Baller, and . . . . .
11. David RR Trucker (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO). Who stumbles to the front and nearly loses his balance getting his rose, and then hugs Miss J a little too long in the end.

Brad and Tanner #1 get the boot. Though we don't like Brad Coldsore Finance, we admit that he has a point when he says that guys like Tannest and Wes (and some other dude) have got nothing to offer. As for Brad, he will be a "drifter." He will roam the world, never settling down. Whatever.

Stay tuned for next week, when talk of secret girlfriends comes to a boil and David RR Trucker gets denied for a kiss. (oooo).

KLo

And also,