Dolly Pemily Part 2: Let's Hit It

So DP Part 2 begins with Ricky and friends playing in the park, as the Pemily receives sage advice from the friends' mothers to just "be yourself."  We don't really hear this, as we are so excited that Dolly Pemily has an Indian friend.  We thank her for being subversive of ABC in her own quiet way.  Spoiler:  we start to like Dolly Pemily more by the end of this episode.

Meanwhile, back at the Chez Abs, our host is explaining the rules of the game to the men.  Blah blah 1:1 Sudden Death dates, blah blah group dates.  As we scan the crowd, we realize that if Dolly Pemily has a Type, that Type includes ridiculous hair.  At any rate, Chris Harrison deposits date card #1 on a table and scuttles into the shrubs.  "This just got real," says one dude.  COME ON. (everybody drink).  Corporate Chris hopes the card is for him, but alas, the card is for Ryan with all his mossy mossy hair.  We secretly think Ryan looks like the Incredible Hulk, except taupe.  

Oh, this is going to be good, for Taupe Hulk has just uttered the words "pastor" and "queen."  That's right, babies.  The date card says " Be my king in Queen City." Yay, we are all going to Boys Town!!!!   And T. Hulk is pumped, for he "likens this to a football game in which he never expects to lose." Lo, for his "pastor always said that if you treat a woman like a Queen, she will treat you like a King."  So basically, what this viewer is hearing is that Hulk is going to feed Dolly Pemily jello shots from his bellybutton while she performs Culture Club's rendition of "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" in a wig and high heels. We just had a seizure. 

As Hulk changes from a thin black t-shirt to a thin blue one, the boys play at the pool.  We are not exactly sure what manflesh belongs to what man, as ABC has chosen to film only from the neck down. . .  Until DP shows up in jeans and a top mercifully covering BOTH of her shoulders to pick up the Hulk.  He asks if he can take her hand, and we give him points for gentlemanlyness. 

So Our Taupeness dreams of jumping out of helicopters and is somewhat deflated to learn that they are going ot DP's house to make cookies for a bunch of soccer girls, including Little Ricky.  As she tells him that he will be helping her get groceries out of the car, his face freezes.  As she puts him in an apron, he expresses concern for his manliness.  And while all of this is lighthearted, we conclude that We Don't Like The Hulk (all of us).  He generally says everything right, except that we can't help but feel that if she Challenge His Authority down the road, he will go off about how God appointed man the head of the family.  And if that is one's Thing, then okay, but we don't really think it's Dolly Pemily's.  Exhibit A:  The Wombat.

After concluding that making cookies is "romantic," Dolly Pemily makes the Hulk sit in the car as she brings the cookies to Little Ricky.  Basically, she doesn't want Hulk to meet Ricky, but she will allow him to stalk her from a car parked a discrete distance away.  [Back at the ranch, Dong speculates that DP will not allow anyone to meet Ricky until the very end.  We heart Dong, despite that sounding dirty.].

We love Dolly Pemily for saying Hulk's next task will be to wrangle a bunch of 6 year olds cracked out on sugar at Chuckie Cheese, but unfortunately, it is actually to go to dinner.  She, in a red lace minidress with one arm, and he driving the fancy car while chewing gum with his mouth open.  Gentle readers, he tells DP over wine that he has had two girlfriends who "meant something," yet he likes the chase.  DP asks what happens when he's caught her, and he changes the topic to whether she will allow a man into her life.  Dolly Pemily's deposition skills are seriously rusty as she allows him to lead her off-topic.  Blah blah she's most beautiful in the kitchen (yeah, he said it), blah blah they end the evening dancing on a pedestal in front of a raging crowd to a song that has "kissssss" as every second word.  "Let's Hit It," she says.  Remarkably, they don't.  Even more remarkably, he can dance. 

The Hulk earns another point for the dancing.  This viewer actually had a dream last night about doing improv dance again, which we clearly Could Not Do as we could not get off the floor if we were to sit on it.  Yet our dream partner was the second place winner from American Ninja Warrior (West Coast Division) (Season Four) and not the Hulk.  True Story.

Anyway, Hulk gets the rose.  Somewhere along the way, DP says he reminds her of the Wombat. RUN, Dolly, RUN.

So the second date card arrives, for, we think, thirteen men, including Charlie, Latin (Alejannndro) and Other Latin (Alessandro), Nate, Tony the lumber trader (a/k/a Mr. Wood), Pretty Michael, Jef(f), Corporate Chris, John, Kyle, Eric, Kalon, and Ducky from Pretty in Pink (a/k/a/ Steve).  "Let's set the stage for life" it reads.  "J'adore le stage," murmurs Kalon/Colon.  We think he looks like a banana pancake.  And not in a good way.

Turns out, this group is going to be doing a little Muppets Take Charlotte to support Dolly's dead husband's charity at the local hospital.  So when this viewer was little, we did a variety show every summer with our cousins, appropriately called "The Show."  And, we have very fond memories of our sister, ERo, age 4, in a hooded sweater and tutu playing the part of The Chicken to our very own Swedish Chef.  So we are somewhat dismayed to see that Miss Piggy and Kermit have Destroyed All Our Happiness by appearing on the Bachelorette.  Smut and puppets don't mix in healthy ways, babies.  Just ask Japan.

Suddenly we are sidetracked.  There is a woman teaching a group how to dance.  WE COULD BE THAT WOMAN.  We restart our campaign to appear on the Bachelor frachise in some Menial Role. Otherwise, the main thing that we get out of this date is that Dolly Pemily's mother, who is sitting in the audience with Ricky, looks like she is 35 years old.  That woman must bathe in blood.  As we ponder how some people can be so Well Preserved, Charlie is terrified about speaking in public because he is still recovering his speech after falling 15 stories, Ducky dances with Miss Piggy while Dolly Pemily tepidly shakes one hip, Jef(f) charmingly proposes to Miss Piggy, there is some Mercifully Brief stand-up comedy, and then . . . Chris Harrison destroys ALL OUR HAPPINESS once again by becoming Statler to the real life Waldorf, making bad jokes from the stage.  We are distraught.  Babies, they even ruined The Rainbow Connection.

We are extremely upset by the end of this date, and barely pay attention to it's "Now We're On a RoofTop Bar So We All Can Drink" conclusion.  Dolly is wearing another black lace see-through ensemble (which Mr. Wood loves), Corporate Chris feels he has meaningful 1:1 time with DP (meh), Jef(f) has better 1:1 time with her (meh meh), and Ducky takes Dolly into the world of middle school dances during his 1:1 time.  Yes, babies, in the words of Tracy Jordan, he loves the Bachelorette so much he wants to take her back behind the middle school and get her pregnant.  Meanwhile, Colon uses his brief conversation with Dolly to talk about how, back home in Texas, things are "great with" the ladies and we vomit a little in our mouths. Ducky also takes umbrage, picking a little verbal fight with the Colon. 

In the end, Jef(f) gets the rose.  While he has truly horrible hipster  hair, we think this is reasonable.

The final date is with Joe Van Der Beek at Somewhere In Time Hotel.  We know he is going home when he receives the date card  ("Come close to my heart") wearing a turquoise and pink plaid shirt.  This viewer once inherited pink and turquoise argyle socks from our other sister, SHa, who had deemed them Too Ugly to Grace Her Sixth Grade Feet.  We wore those socks into the ground, and then for good measure recycled them into a watch band.  Even the cross-eyed boy who sat beside us in class decided not to have a crush on us that year.  So, we know that Joe VDB is doomed.

Sure enough, and despite Dolly Pemily's best attempt to be a Fairy Princess in a pink and no doubt very sweaty heavy dress, conversation with Mr Beek is meaningless, at best.  What will he be doing in five years, babies?  Hopefully having "no regrets."  We snort, and think about the Pink and Turquoise Monstrosity he wore earlier in the day.  While Dolly Pemily again gamely says "let's hit it," we know, alas, that she will not.  Dolly Pemily then takes him to the Love Clock, which is apparently the South's version of the Wailing Wall, into which people press fervently scribbled papers containing their hopes and dreams with their new love. And, after reading his hope that he will be with her, Dolly Pemily axes him.  He drives off into the sunset.  Fireworks explode above.

The most interesting part about all of this is what is not happening on the date.  Colon is in the hot tub, skulking about Dolly Pemily putting her life as a mother on hold to go on this show, and Dong bites his head off.  Dong says that every day he is a dad, and the only reason he is even here, now, is that his 12 year old son finally told him "You know how you are always telling me to try new things?  I think you need to do this for yourself." Oh!! We love Dong and his son!!

One more hard edit later, and Dolly Pemily's mother is helping her to step into a horrible purple dress.  Dolly arrives at the rose ceremony.  "Hey every. body." she says before Chris Harrison whisks her away, and she comes back out to pick (joining Jef(f) and the Hulk):

1.  Colon.  WTF.
2.  Hot Wheels
3.  Pretty Michael
4.  Nate (who is this?)
5.  Sean.  We think he sells insurance.
6.  Corporate Chris.
7.  Dong.  YAY.
8. Travis. (again, who is this?)
9. Mr. Wood.
10.  John the Data Destruction Dude.
11. Latin
12.  Other Latin.
13.  Charlie, and . . 
14.  Ducky.

Wow, the biology teacher who hoped he "had chemistry with" Dolly Pemily apparently did not.  And also, neither did Kyle the financial guy who we don't know at all.

Stay tuned for next week, when there are roller coasters, tears, and Real life Dolly Parton.  But rmember, babies, this Viewer will be in Italy for the next two weeks.  We *May* be able to blog during our absence, but if not, we shall catch up when we return . ..

Arrivaderci, babies. 'Til June 11.

KLo.

Dolly Pemily Part Damn You Local ABC Affiliate

This viewer's entire local ABC affiliate was down last night from 8 pm on.  We were. Denied. Our. Viewing. Pleasure. By the Blue Screen of Death enscripted with "Please don't call us. We know we are an Epic Fail of availability right now and our own inability to bring you Dolly Pemily is consequently going to now force you to watch American Ninja Warrior.  Season four."

While awesome in its own right, ANW is still not the particular set of warriors . . .for loooove . .. in which we are  most interested.  But never fear, my babies.  We suspect that ABC will post the show to its website at some point today, at which time we shall Ride Again.

Dolly Pemily Part One: Amish Romance

Gentle viewers, season Dolly Pemily begins as an Amish lovestory.  That's right:  as their "image" for this season, ABC has pictured DP among the wheat, Heroically Holding her Child as she Looks Forward to Her New Future, Alone Yet Strong after the death of Her Everything.  All we need is a jealous woman laying in wait to beat the crap out of DP with a pipe while the evil town drunkard secretly stares at her through a peephole, and we would have the first (and last) americana romance that this viewer read.  But, we firmly suspect that all of these things will be "coming up, on season Dolly Pemily," anyway. Yay!

So here we are with Dolly Pemily and her daughter Ricky.  Oh! They are playing in the grass in pink and red pants!  Oh!  They are on the swingset in the same pants!  "My swing must be broken," concludes DP as she is unable to achieve liftoff during said swingscapade.  "No," sayeth KMu, "You are just top heavy."  And that is when we realize:  there is something new about Dolly Pemily, and it is either a serious wonderbra, or homegirl bought her some extra padding.  It may look "good" now, DP, but just remember that in 50 years, those suckers will be swinging like tetherballs.

We are not Girl Enough for the onslaught of pink which continues to attack our eyeballs as we get to know our Bachelorette.  Ricky is brushing her teeth in pink jammies, before Dolly Pemily helps her into a pink-pillowed bed.  DP herself is wearing some sort of pink flashdancy sweatshirt around the house and to make pancakes in the morning. But all is not well in this pink household. For in the evenings, gentle viewers, Dolly Pemily gets "really lonely."  We see her wandering around her pink house, looking at a magazine, and then finally going up to her bedroom. "Click. Buzzzzzzzzzzz." says one member of the BNU staff who shall not be named as her mother reads this blog. 

After DP on a horse, and flashbacks to her relationship with the Wombat, we are finally ready to have an awkward transition to some of the men ABC has chosen for Our Lady.  Really, this episode is awful because of all the listmaking it requires, so let's just get it over with:

1.  Kelon, a 27 year old self professed "reformed womanizer" who seems to think it makes it all better to further describe himself as "young, fun, goodlooking, with a few dollars in my pocket." Darling, if you must use those adjectives for yourself, you are none of the above (except young), and also, your job as as a "luxury brand consultant" means you fold shirts in the Gucci store.

2.  Ryan, a former pro football player who now owns a sports facility and has hair like moss on a rock.

3. Tony from Beavertown, who is a lumber trader.  Ahaaaa.  And also, a single dad.

4.  BEHOLD.  A POC!!!  Levone, a real estate consultant with a little dog, has seriously rocked the whiteness of this show.  That lawsuit must be getting to ABC.  But rest assured, babies -- we know that no amount of hotness will get him past the fourth round.

5.  David, a NY hipster singer/songerwriter that we know is going to annoy the shizzles out of us (all of us), as he caterwauls "Emmmmilllyyyyyy wa-ooooohhhhhh" on the piano, with a sound-over of him rattling on and on about the Dolly being the "quintessential perfect woman."  We know your type, Peter Pan man, and we do not like you.

6.  Charlie, a recruiter who recently fell 15 feet when a deck collapsed, breaking several ribs and sustaining a serious brain injury.  We like Charlie, despite ourselves, and think he and Emily might be able to keep up with each other's witty banter.

7.  Jef, who is such a hipster that (a) he has forgotten the other "f" in his name, and (b) he rides a skateboard at 27.  But babies, he is an "entrepreneur" of bottled water.  We KNEW that hipsters who can't spell were responsible for all the garbage patches floating around in our beloved oceans.  Fill your own bottle, gentle readers.

8.  Arie, a race car driver.  Because, you know, that worked well the first time around.

Then suddenly, we are ripped from The Men in order to see Dolly Pemily get ready for her date.  And we know, like we know our very soul, that Dolly Pemily is Beyond Our Understanding.   Lo, for this woman has the Biggest Kaboodle KMu has Ever Seen.  And it is filled, we mean FILLED, with bottles, brushes, and all manner of alchemy. 

So, back in the ballet days, this viewer had a tackle box which housed our fake bun (a/k/a "the hamburger"), hair pins, and makeup.  And between those days and our wedding 800 years later, we are pretty sure that we have not owned more than one or two things of makeup, which we forget to wear and then throw out.  If we are the snail at the bottom of the grand canyon of Female Wiles, Dolly Pemily is Mount Everest. 

Except, what the hell kind of mesh contraption is said Mount wearing to keep her boulders in place, so to speak?  Oh right, it is the Mother of the Bride version of an iceskating outfit.  It has one shoulder strap.  It is the color of a "flesh" crayon back before Crayola learned about racial diversity.  It has spangles in all the right places, which apparently do not include the midesection area, or the entire back.   And also, did we mention the mesh?   After a momentary flicker of "like," we hate this dress (all of us) and secretly hope that one of the men snags her back mesh with his watch while hugging her hello.  If any of them wear a watch.  Or can tell time. 

We become depressed.

But here is our host, Chris Harrison, making "I'm newly single" goggly eyes at our bachelorette as she exclaims that she just "can't believe" that she's the bachelorette and is so looking forward to meeting her husband.  Blah blah yawn and here come the limos with (more lists . . brace yourself).

1.  Sean an insurance agent with chicken little hair.
2. David hipster singer/songwriter.
3.  Doug, which this viewer repeatedly reads as "Dong." A single dad and charity director.
4.  Jackson a fitness model, who goes down on one knee in a pink shirt.  Tool.
5.  Joe, whom we despise more than Jackson because he does a monkey dance and has hair like James VanDerBeek.
6. Hot Wheels (Arie the racecar driver).
7.  Kyle, a financial advisor (meh).
8.  Chris, a Corporate Sales Director.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOULD ABC STOP SHOWING DOLLY PEMILY TURNING AROUND SO THAT WE CAN STOP LOOKING AT THAT MESHY FLESHY BACK.  that is all.

9.  Aaron, who is a "biology teacher by trade, but he has chemistry with" Dolly Pemily.  ABe screams in agony.
10.  Allessssssssannnnnndro from Brazil.  Ah, Dios mio.
11. Jef(f), who skateboards _behind_ the limo, holding onto the bumper.  Dear Jef(f), this is not Back To the Future.
12.  Levone.  Goodbye, sweet black prince.
13.  Steve, a party MC from New Jersey who plays a little jam box of music and does a twirl.  Yes, yes, Steve, we are confident that a conservative single mother from North Carolina would delight in marrying someone who markets themselves as a DJ and dancer.
14.  Charlie.
15.  Tony the lumber guy from beavertown.  Who gives her a glass slipper, says that he is prince charming, and indicates that "me and my princess will be happy forever."

News flash, Tony:  This Viewer is pretty sure that Prince Charming did not propose to his princess until after he had learned grammar.

16.  A man dressed like an old lady.  Great, now we have a cross-dresser.  His name is Randy, and we hope he gets the axe.
17.  Nate an accountant, who apparently "smells good" to Dolly Pemily.  Sadly, our television is not scratch and sniff.
18.  Brent, who has a very awkwardly placed mole.  And is also a technology salesman.
19.  John, who goes by "wolf," because he apparently thinks That Is Awesome. He is a data destruction specialist.  So is this viewer.  We call it Using A Computer.
20.  Travis, in advertising.  He brings Dolly Pemily an ostrich egg, which he promises to carry around with the love and tenderness for which he will care for Dolly Pemily and Ricky. 

We wonder if Travis got this idea from high school parenting class.  We also wonder how long his chicken egg lasted in high school, and secretly suspect that a Scrambled Catastrophe is what propelled him to chose an ostrich egg this time around. 

21.  Michael, a rehab specialist.  Okay, this little baby is cute, but he needs to cut his hair.  Of course, as KMu points out, he could form a chain with Dolly Pemily and Ricky and they could all brush each other's luscious locks.
22. Jean-Paul, a marine biologist.  Well, he's obviously dead in the water because he's far too smart for this particular bachelorette.
23. Alleeeeejaaaaaannnndro, a mushroom farmer from Columbia.
24.  Ryan, Mr. Moss hair.
25. aaaaand. . . . Kalon.  In a helicopter.  He is not worthy of more words devoted to him. 

If a "bathed in a soft fuzzy glow" high school senior picture could come to life, it would be this cocktail party.   Dolly Pemily wanders around inarticulately murmering quiet nothings and "pleased to meet you's" after announcing herself to be a "hopeless romantic."  Various boys attempt to approach our fair maiden. 

Chris, the sales dude, gives DP bobble heads that look like both of them.  We would like to remind Chris that when giving a woman a gift designed to look like her, it is wisest if her Likeness does not look more manish than you.  Jef(f) gives Dolly Pemily a "cool vibe."  Dong captures our hearts by saying "that's my baby" about his 12 year old son, who wrote a letter for DP about how awesome his dad is.  Kalon is hated by everyone (shocker) and creates minor drama by not wanting to give DP up during 1:1 time.  Hot Wheels is reassured that DP is completely okay with dating a racecar driver.  We feel his eyes are too close together.

Aaaaand, the First Impression Rose goes to Dong!!! Yay!!! Joining him are:

1.  Chris bobble-head dude (really?)
2.  Ryan moss-head
3.  Kalon (REALLY??)
4. Hot Wheels.
5.  Charlie.
6. Jef(f)
7.  Nate the accountant.
8.  Sean (insurance sales).
9. Joe VanDerBeek
10. Kyle, financial advisor.
11. Aaron the biology teacher
12.  Alejjjjjjaaaaaandro
13.  John "Wolf" data dude.
14.  Allesssssaaaaanddroooo
15.  Pretty Michael.
16.  Joe the MC
17. Tony the lumber guy
18.  Travis with the egg.

Poor Levone, he is knocked out in the first round, as is the fitness model, the marine biologist, some guy who is a dad of 6 kids (wow), and surely some others that I am forgetting.

As the credits fade to the fitness model's decision to strip down to show his abs (meh) before he is never again heard from, we are grateful this episode and all its listy-ness is over.  And also, are excited for this coming season, in which Our Heroine At Last Finds Love while cliff-diving and forgetting her pants, and when DOLLY PARTON makes an appearance.  Our worlds just collided.

'til next week, dear folk.
KLo