Desiree WSBB Part 5: In Which We Are Tired Of It All

 We begin Desiree WSBB in a place we all wish we could be, and KMu was lucky enough to visit.  And by that, we mean Munich, Germany, and not the pee-soaked train on which the men are traveling, like loud and stereotypical americans, in said city. John Boy is pumped to be here because he's Always Wanted to Travel.  We think two of the other guys are holding hands. At any rate, when Chris Harrison meets the group in a plaza to tell them that there will be 1 group date, one 1:1 date, and one 2:1 date, we wonder which three guys will be on the 2:1 date.

John Boy sees Desiree WSBB and bats his eyes:  "I would happily in Germany kiss you" he says.
"I didn't think it would be possible for him to out-douche himself," says KMu.

Soon, we are celebrating, because the first date card has come, and it is for Chris!  We love Chris!  But suddenly,  ABC has interrupted our programming with LIVE SUPER  MEGA ULTIMATE WIZARD DOPPLER and for 45 minutes all that we hear is "Babies, THIS IS A THUNDERSTORM.  See here are some lighting strikes.  And also, RAIN.  And even though it will all be over in 5 minutes, we care so much about you, our viewer, that we are going to Invade Your Sacred Space with our fancy Live Super Mega Ultimate Wizard Doppler and Stay With You Forever.  LOOK.  LOOK HOW FANCY WE ARE."  

This Viewer is Eating Her Emotions, taking aim on ABe's chocolate covered pretzels with Unbridled Viciousness.  And by the time ABC  decides that Rain Is Not An Emergency and We Can All Now Carry On, the BNU has missed two of the three dates and we are all now feeling Vaguely Sick.  Fortunately, ABC posts things online, and so this is what we missed:

"In Munich, we will fall in love with each other," says the date card for Chris.  And Gentle Readers, We Do Fall in Love with Chris (All of Us).  It is both  Desiree and Chris's first time in Europe, but armed with guide book, they are touring Munich on foot.  Oh!  A Market with a Scary Clown!  Oh!  A Sausage made to look like Shriveled Bull Bits But that is Allegedly Made of Cow!  Let's both eat it at the same time!  Oh!  Lederhosen and a milkmaid costume!  We can be corny AND sexy!  Stars, they are Just Like Us!!!

But trouble is brewing at home because Caesar is feeling Worse and Worse.  Back at the hotel, he tells the men (who are mysteriously wearing matching velour track jackets), that his feelings are not progressing, and that he is going to go home.  Like, right now.  In the middle of Desiree's date with Chris. Because that is the mature and considerate way to handle things.

Soon, we are watching Caesar stalk through the streets of Munich Like a Kitty.   He finds Desiree, whisks her away from Chris and into a dark alley where they sit on pigeon encrusted steps and he tells her he is Just Not That Into Her.  Desiree cries.  But aside from the Caeser-is-an-Asshat aspect of this event, we learn two things:
1) Juan Ton can speak English (he is worried this will impact her, as he tells the other guys).  We wish we would see more of Juan Ton.
2) Chris, For The Win.  Because, while he is not happy about losing time with Desiree while she is saying goodbye to Caesar, his "main concern is if Des is upset" so that he can "figure out how to alleviate that."  WE LOVE CHRIS.

Over a lunch of perfectly enormous beers, Chris coaxes Desiree to open up a little more about the Caesar thing, because he wants to make sure she is okay and believes communication is important.  And we love him more, because he is normal and nice and also, a Color Found In Nature.   And then he and Desiree are stumbling along the sidewalk on their way to dinner, and we cannot decide if we like her dress.  It is lavender, and spangly, and super super tight.    This Viewer would look like a Pier One Christmas Ornament in this dress.  And also, There Would Not Be Enough Spanx In the World.  Yet it somehow works on Desiree.

In any event, Chris is happy to just sit and talk with Desiree over dinner.  He tells her that he is in a place that he just wants to be in a relationship and start a family.  She explains that her last boyfriend (Pringles?? Some other dude??) was a bad communicator.  And then. . . Chris whips out a poem.  It is a Little Rhyme-y . And it includes the world "girls."

This Viewer once had a Long Distance Boyfriend.  We were 19, he was 18 (yes, we are A Cougar).  And he thought it would be Deeply Meaningful to send this Viewer an 8  1/2 by 11" sheet of paper that had been Burned Around The Edges, Soaked in His Cologne, and which said something like "My Lady, Thou Art The Fairest" in a flowery scroll.  Babies, he had his English professor help him with the words.  We are fairly confident that, like this Viewer, said English professor laughed until he or she cried and knew that this relationship was Not Going To Work.

We hope that Desiree is not feeling that way about Chris.  We are comforted when he gets the rose, and then they dance and laugh with each other to the smooth song stylings of some guy named Matt White.  We like Chris, specious poetry and all, because he understands that humor can be High Romance.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, date card #2 has come:  "Will you climb the highest mountain for me?" it says.  Oooo, it is a group date, for everyone BUT Hot Fuzz and John Boy.   Hot Fuzz goes all I'm-a-Fancy Lawyer about it:  "There is more than enough evidence to convict [John Boy] of fraud.   In this gladiator setting, I need to go murder [him]."

This is exactly the kind of ridiculous battle cry that makes this Viewer so very, very tired of lawyers.  And also, Hot Fuzz looks like a terrier.

Thank God for the group date, even if HashTag is on it ("Look at that hot snow bunny!" says he).  We are mildly interested to know that they will be taking a gondola to the highest point in Germany, a/k/a the Cliffs of Despair.   Drew, condescendingly, is more excited to watch Desiree than the scenery, as she has "never seen anything like this before."  We think Drew looks like a Ken doll.

And then the group meets a yodeler.  While all of the men try their hand at The Yodel, we secretly love Juan Ton's approach the best.  And also, he says "yodel" with as much accenty awesomeness as this viewer's husband, MCo, says "veg-et-able."  We are endeared.  

But soon we are scared (All of Us), for the next plan is for them to all go sledding down a black diamond ski slope, and directly off the Cliffs of Despair.  On teeny, tiny little sleds that look like joysticks.  Somebody is going to end up a eunuch and/or with bloody teeth.  But Abs is concluding that "Love is like sledding down a hill.  On day 1, we all pushed off and said 'let's go!" And we are horrified by the cheesiness of this analogy, and by the snowball fight that ensues thereafter, and generally by this entire date.  Because really, and aside from going into a completely awesome igloo/snow fort in which this Viewer would happily live,  we are non-plussed by all of the guys on this date, grossed out by Beefy James and his fake hyper-vigilance around Desiree (warning bells, sister. The guy is a fake), sad that Mikey T. the plumber thinks she's going to move back to Chicago with him and have a family of 5, traumatized by Brooks Brothers' hair and all product associated therewith, and generally feel as follows:  When. Will. It. End.

The only, only part of this date of any interest is that Abs thought he was going to be A PRIEST when he was in college.  So he took a soul-searching journey on a one-way ticket to Europe, climbed a mountain, and realized that no, he could not be alone his entire life.  And so "for the last 10 years" he has been searching for a woman.

We could make so many, many jokes, but we will refrain.

Brooks Brothers gets the rose on this date.

At last, it is the 2:1 date that we have all been dreading, with both Hot Fuzz and John Boy.  We don't particularly like either of them, and secretly wish Desiree WSBB will send them both home.  John Boy is going to look at it like "a 1:1 date with Desiree, where Hot Fuzz is just a spectator."  He intends to be a "good Christian man."  Hot Fuzz, on the other hand, feels like this is "armageddon" and he is "ready to boil" because he "wants to see the other guys again" (WHAT?).  *Thank Goodness* that Hot Fuzz is here, and that Desiree has "entrusted" him to show why John Boy is a fraud, because the poor silly dear is just too naive to figure it out on her own.   We hiss at Hot Fuzz.

Hot Fuzz repeatedly strains at his choke collar throughout this date.  They meet Desiree and his first words are, "I think John Boy knows I like to be confrontational."  Later in the "Hot Tug" (boat instead of tub, ridiculous), Hot Fuzz asks John Boy what happened to his baby mama and talks pointedly about his father was not a presence in his own life. At dinner, Hot Fuzz tells John Boy that no one likes him in the house, attacks John Boy for not going to church, and suggests that he is using his son to manipulate Desiree.  John Boy walks away from the table, Desiree tells Hot Fuzz to back the hell off, and we at the BNU are just Sick Of the Whole Thing.  And also, if we hear Hot Fuzz talk about how he's going to "defend and protect Desiree's honor" One More Time We Will Start Throwing Things.   Because that doesn't have a damn thing to do with what Hot Fuzz is doing.  We despise lawyers.

"I'll be the Man.  Who Will Fight.  For Your Honor.  I'll Be The Hero. You'vebeendreamingof!!" sing ABe and KMu.  This Viewer eats another pretzel.

While John Boy is ickity, we actually think he is handling the situation reasonably well . . .until, In A Shocking Twist, HE GETS SENT HOME!!!  What??? And then he asks the camera how long until he can be seen in public with someone else, and declares that he intends to party it up on his last night in Munich [insert maniacal laughter].  

We simply cannot believe that Hot Fuzz got the rose.  While John Boy is a toad, we agree with him that "that was a fool decision."  But it doesn't really matter in the end, since neither of these turkeys should be around more than another 2 weeks.

At last it is the rose ceremony.  "Why hello, black swan," we think upon seeing Desiree's dress.  It is black.  and one-shouldered (we despise a one-shouldered dress). And has some kind of spangle/chicken wing thing going on.  And she is wearing it with a cape.  That may or may not have a hood.  We wonder if she has escaped her governess a party to Rendezvous With A Wicked Man.

Blah Blah, she tells Chris Harris she is falling for multiple guys.  Blah blah, she does not need a rose ceremony to decide who is going home.  As The Harrison demands "are you sure? Are you Really Sure?"  There are all manner of rumblings in the back room because Drew and HashTag heard Beefy James tell Mikey T that Beefy James owns Chicago already, and if he makes it to the final 4, he and Mikey T can Rule It Even More and take Tall and Exotic Ladies on Lake Michigan, and that Beefy James will be the next Bachelor, and and and . . .we are so tired, particularly when Drew starts talking about how Beefy James bothers him because Drew is a man of strong moral integrity.

"Pretty sure you aren't, if you have to bring it up," mutters KMu.

And to join Chris (yay), Brooks Brothers, and Hot Fuzz with roses, Desire picks;
1.  Abs
2.  HashTag
3.  Juan Ton
4. Drew
5.  Beefy James.  Ew.

Drew is all pissed about Beefy James!  Mikey T is going home!  He is sad.  We have moved on.

Stay tuned for next week, when they go to Barcelona, we can hope to finally hear more from Juan Ton, and there is some kind of confrontation regarding Beefy James.  Bleeeech.

-KLo.

Desiree WSBB Part 4: The Goblin King

We begin Part 4 of Desiree WSBB as we have so many episodes:  In the not-even-a-little-bit subtle turquoise living room of the boys' manse, watching them navigate their morning cocktails, knees, and man parts around the voluminous pile of turquoise candles sitting on a coffee table.  And here is Chris Harrison in another eye-popping shirt, still with the same paisley cuffs.   Blah blah 3 dates, blah blah if you don't get a rose, you are voted off the island.

"Would you actually kiss any of these guys?" asks ABe as she scans the crowd with skepticism.
We think about this, concluding finally that Yes, we would kiss Caesar if we were the Bachelorette.  And Juan Ton if we had low self esteem and were drunk after a long night of dancing, which would probably lead to the discovery that he smelled like listerine and chicklets and was just being polite when he said "call me."

But Chris Harrison has our attention because he wants us all to say goodbye to LA and hello to.. . Atlantic City!! Which is, no joke, the "first stop on a whirlwind trip around the world."  As This Viewer contemplates where she would choose to start such a trip, Mikey T and John Boy express their excitement -- the former to go to Jersey (shocker), and the later to "get to know Desiree on a whole different level."
Wonders KMu:  "Why is a new city necessary to seeing a different level of Desiree?"

But soon we don't care because here is Desiree in Atlantic City.  Babies, she is wearing knee high boots, and a jacket with a zip cord for floatation.  And Leggings.  As Pants.
"LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS."  screams ABe, for All Of Us.
Dear everyone under the age of 30, and also That Hooker I Saw Going To Court the Other Day:  Leggings. Are. Not. Pants.

As Desiree WSBB contemplates the boardwalk, we see the men at LAX.  KMu wonders if we will have a date where Des and a suitor sit in the LAX sign ("I feel like these letters are a symbol of everyone who arrives here, full of hope. . ." KMu says).  HashTag is excited to go to "Las Vegas on the ocean."  But Drew has a Deeper Excitement, for he is excited to "Travel with the person you are crazy about" because it "takes it from one level to the next."
"Wait," says KMu.  "Who is he talking about, because Desiree is already in Atlantic City."

All of our eyes go to Wishbone.

And just like that, Wishbone gets the first date card:  "Let our Love Shine Through."

This date is awful.  They ride roller coasters, walk the boardwalk, eat salt water taffy and chocolate at a candy factory, and have a drink by the ocean with their backs to a giant sand castle in the sand.
He lisps:  "I love this date.   It's sooo awesome.  It's like, perfect for me."
Way to start the conversation, Wishbone.
Struggles Desiree WSBB:  "So what type of girls do you usually like?"
"Girls with penises," mutters KMu from her corner.
"Um, nothing specific. .  ." lilts Wishbone.  "Someone who will be a good mom. .. "
Desiree suggests that they watch the sunset (activity instead of talk! save me!), but things don't improve at dinner.
"So. ...do you have any pet peeves?" asks Desiree over the soup.
"Um, people who cannot be serious.  Like. Eh-verrrr," valley-girls Wishbone, followed logically by "you're so amazing, like, so um. . . ."

As Wishbone struggles to think of the names of the rides they went on today, electing to pantomime instead, Desiree WSBB repeatedly tells the camera that she likes Wishbone, and that he is a nice guy, and that there are so many nice qualities about him.. . but. . .

Here is Our Thing (All of Us):  This is like online dating.  If one is going to say "but he has pretty eyes" or "he was nice to his mother," as a reason why it would Not Be Terrible to go out One More Time, one is going to waste a lot of time on gentlemen with the IQ of a bullfrog whose conversation starters are along the lines of "wow wow Wow WOW what's it like to be an ATTOR-NEY?"  Cut. Him. Loose. Desiree.

And she does.  After making Wishbone climb all the way to the top of a lighthouse conveniently situated on their restaurant, she tells him something is missing, that he will find someone special, but that she is Just Not That Into Him.  Ooo, no rose for him.  Wishbone cries, but we know it is for the best.

And now we are on date #2, which is basically for all of the other guys except for Beefy James:  "I'm looking for Mr. Right" says the card.

As the guys come to a warehouse/theater, they are greeted by Miss America, resplendent in a crown, and told that they will be competing in their own "Mr. America" pageant.  Desiree WSBB is laughing herself silly in the corner, as we would be.  But Hot Fuzz is pumped:
"As a young child, I often dreamed about being Mr. America.  I now have the opportunity to make those dreams come true."
We think he's kidding.  We hope he's kidding.

But when "Christopher Devin," Pageant Coach and Wearer of Tight Jeans sashays out from stage right to announce that he will be training them, we all have to Walk. It. Off.   As Mr. Devin tells the boys to "explore yourselves for what talents work for you,"  Juan Ton picks up a baton and TWIRLS IT.
Meanwhile, Chris puts on high heels and then asks Desiree for buckle help.
"Is this F*CKING HAPPENING????" cries KMu.
"You guys he is the ONE WE LIKED," wails ABe.

Soon John Boy is doing a ribbon dance, and Drew is practicing Shakespeare, and Miss America is running the guys through their interview skills, and they are all being handed swimsuits and this Viewer's Head Is Going to Explode.   And the competition has yet to begin.

We at the BNU are now seriously traumatized.  KMu has brought out the chocolate, and we are watching the television with one hand clutching wine glass and one eye closed because the boys are being interviewed and this is the Real Competition Now and We Are Scared.
We are pretty sure someone just oiled up Mikey T.
"In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker," asks Miss America to HashTag in front of a Live Audience.
"Now I'm reading into everything," mutters KMu.
"Are you water or fire?" someone asks Abs.
"I'm fire, because it is important for me to light her fire" says he.
Blah Blah Brooks Brothers would be a lion because he is king of the jungle, Chris says that to be romantic he would take his significant other "out to dinner more than is necessary" (what????),  Juan Ton tells the crowd that his ideal mate would need to love his daughter (WHAT???) and be a good dancer, and Mikey T complains that women see men as "meatheads," but that he is actually a very sensitive soul.

Then he does a strip-tease and push ups against the wall.

HashTag fake tape dances.  Brooks Brothers sings a song and smashes a ukulele.  Drew recites his shakespeare, Chris swings hula hoops, shirtless and in high heels (a Piece of This Viewer's Soul Just Died),  Caeser does pelvic thrusts (ok, we take it all back about kissing him), and Abs sings a song that he wrote about being haunted by a rose.  Because, you know, he wrote it for her before coming on this show.

Here's our thing about Abs.  He's nice, but he looks like Gomer Pyle from the neck up, Popeye from the neck down, and like he's spent 50 years in a tanning bed all over.  The man does not look 30 or whatever he is claiming to be.

In the end, 2nd runner up is Brooks Brothers, 1st Runner up is Abs, and the Winner is . . HashTag!! NOOOOOO.  At least he didn't get a rose with the sash.

At the pool party later that night, we learn that Chris writes poetry, which he started doing when baseball was not working out for him.  Okay, we like this, and that what little we hear does not sound totally terrible, though we are a little worried when Desiree WSBB says that she also writes poetry.  Then there is more drama with John Boy, who takes his 1:1 time in full view of the other guys, and then shamelessly talks up his son while the other guys note that he never talks about the kid except around Desiree WSBB.  And finally, Abs chooses to sing the ENTIRE song he did at the Mr. America pageant during his 1:1 time.

Desiree sits awkwardly through the song, and Abs gets the rose at the end of this date.  Caesar is upset, as he did not get any 1:1 time, apparently by his own lack of initiative, and now feels like he is falling behind emotionally. Ooooo.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Beefy James is having a Spa Day.

Gentle readers, this Viewer loves a Romance Novel.  And our secret love of such books has led us through many ill-advised and poorly-written love stories.  But few have been worse than The Goblin King, which This Viewer recently received from her sister, SHa, with a note saying only, "payback is a bitch."  Apparently, SHa does not take kindly to having a Harlequin stuffed in her stocking with care every Christmas.

So as Beefy James sits in a bubble bath,  drinking champagne, and eating chocolate covered strawberries, we cannot but think of The Goblin King himself, All Beefy Manliness In The Shadowlands but Shriveled, Toadyness In This World.  Babies, we are in the Shadowlands with Beefy James, who has Conjured a Bottle of Wine with his Dark Magic that Takes a Bit of his Soul Each Time He Uses It, Slowly Turning Him Into a Goblin, as He was Cursed To Become by the Druid 5,000 Years Ago.  

We are not going to survive this date.

As Desiree WSBB picks Beefy James/The Goblin King up, we realize further why we don't like him.  Like Every Great D-List Romance Hero, he is hyper-vigilant towards his Lady, as if every word dripping from her lips Will Unlock the Secret as to Why He Lives Alone with his Goblin Brother in a Cave Filled with Gold but Oh So Empty of Companionship.  And that is just bullshit.

They take a helicopter with the Red Cross and survey the destruction of Hurricane Sandy.
"This Roller Coaster Used to be a Sign of Joy, but It has been destroyed" announces Beefy James as he arranges his features to be somber. "Yet there is an American flag upon it, which is a sign of hope." GAH.

They Walk Around This Realm, Surveying the Damage and then meeting a couple of Survivors, married for 38 years, who are conveniently Waiting for Them.  We are basically horrified at ABC's prostitution of this sweet old couple for ratings, as Desiree WSBB "comes up with" the idea that she and Beefy James will give up their date in Atlantic City to this couple, who had to spend their anniversary in a Red Cross shelter.   And then ABC proceeds to follow the old couple around on their entire date, which includes the magic gifting of a restored wedding album.

Meanwhile, Beefy James has swept Desiree WSBB into Summerland, that Mystical Half-Way place between This Realm and the Shadowlands, where he can appear in Human Form and Eat Spaghetti and Drink Beer.  At This Dinner Conjured by Him, He confesses that he Destroyed a Young Love by cheating (basically on his 8th grade girlfriend, whom he dated until his first year of college), and that he Wants To Be Completely Honest about This Failing.  Desiree WSBB asks him if he would ever cheat again, and Beefy James swears that now that his heart has been broken once before, he has learned his lesson.

After describing this Insurmountable Obstacle That May Stand in the Way of Lasting Romance (see page 324 for its resolution), Beefy James sweeps Desiree WSBB back to the old couple, who are now dancing to the smooth song stylings of Darius Rucker.

We LOVE Darius Rucker and are heartbroken that he is on this show.  Hootie, you have sunk so low.

As Beefy James/the Goblin King says in wonder that he had "no idea I'd meet such a beautiful person [when you called me to you as Goblin King and I could not deny the summons]," Desiree WSBB giggles and gives him the rose.  DAMMIT.

At last, it is the rose ceremony.  Caesar is continuing his struggles with whether to stay or go, and Desiree WSBB, wearing a spangly short dress, begs him to stay.  Meanwhile, Hot Fuzz has decided to make a Grand Gesture, which apparently is to write acrostic flashcards for Desiree and explain what each word means.  This is hilariously awful.  Chris worries about being in the "friend zone" with Desiree and then shares an awkward kiss (but we still like him, high heels and all). And in the end, to join Abs and Beefy James with roses, she picks:

1.  Chris. YAY.
2.  Brooks Brothers.
3.  Juan Ton
4.  Drew
5.  Hot Fuzz
6.  John Boy
7.  HashTag
8.  Caesar (who waits a long time before deciding to accept the rose. awkward.)
9.  Mikey T.

Zack or Zak or however it is spelled -- the publisher -- goes home.  As we barely knew him, we cannot be sad.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Munich, Germany!  Oooooo.

-KLo.

Desiree WSBB Part 3: Wanna be a Baller

Desiree WSBB Part 3 begins with the men all huddled together in the living room, awaiting the first date card.  Chris Harrison, wearing the same horrifying paisley-cuffed shirt from prior episodes, announces that there will be three dates on this episode, 2 group dates and 1 individual date.  But what we really want to know is the following:  

"What's up with gollum?" asks KMu.  

We study the guy with his hoodie pulled up, trying to figure out who it is, and finally concluding that it is Juan Ton.  And, while this viewer frequently Hides Behind Her Hoodie when Depressed, we don't think that may be the best message to send Desiree. 

  

The Harrison leaves, and we learn that the first date is for Chris, Drew,  Brian the Creepy Financial Advisor, Hot Fuzz, Brooks Brothers, Wishbone, Mikey T, Brandon, John Boy, and Zack the book publisher who probably was a pro athlete of some sort.  "Love is a Battlefield."  

Strap on your ripped fishnets, babies, we're Going To Battle.  There may be dancing involved. 

The boys are immediately bundled into Big Foot's Carbon Footprint and whisked to a garage, where they meet Desiree in a her blindingly hot pink and skin tight top, and learn that they are going to Train With Professional Dodgeballers and Dodgeball Their Way to a Date with Desiree.   

Dodgeball was wildly popular with This Viewer's junior high gym teacher.  And while We were not *terrible* at the game, we will never forget that day when 6' 4," 30-year-old-already-shaving 7th grader (or the equivalent) ACar, while awaiting the teacher's whistle to start the game, kicked a dodgeball as hard as he could into this viewer's head from about 10 feet away.  Babies, we did a perfect pirouette that day.   

So it is with fear and trepidation that we watch the Dodgeball Training.  But it is not without a little confusion as well, as this viewer sees a P.O.C.  Wait, weren't all the POCs eliminated from this competition?  As we realize that this particular POC is only a Professional Dodgeballer and not a contestant, we wish that ABC would reconsider their policy of only giving the POCs roles equivalent to "soldier #2 who dies in battle." 

But soon we are confused for another reason.  Hot Fuzz is speaking up.  And he is feeling like a member of the A-Team.  He also wants to "let a few balls rip, and take some guys out." 

"For dinner?" asks KMu, speaking what we are all seriously beginning to wonder about Hot Fuzz. 

Blah blah it is competition time, and the Men Have Been Outfitted as Red Team and Blue Team and are now walking in slow motion towards a cage set up in the middle of a park, US Open style.  Picture 1970s basketball uniforms and their tighty tight little shorts, tank tops, and tube socks.  The awesomeness that these outfits are to This Viewer is possibly only eclipsed by their awesomeness to Hot Fuzz. 

"What time is it? Des Time!" someone says

"Des Des you're dynamite, we'll see you tonight!" chants the Blue Team. 

Meanwhile, Hot Fuzz looks romantically into Brooks Brothers' eyes on the Red Team.  

WTF. 

And soon, it is battle time:
"There are so many balls flying around, it was extremely intense."  says Mikey-T.

"We went balls to he wall" says Drew. 

"This is for all the marbles," says Hot Fuzz. 

ABe is crying with laughter from the sofa as the Blue Balls win game #1, Red Balls win game #2, and then. . . at the start of game 3, things suddenly get serious when Brooks Brothers Goes Down right at the beginning of game #3.   

Babies, Brooks Brothers broke his finger.  And in a very gross way that has to be re-set, causing both Brooks Brothers and This Viewer to pass out.   And while we do not understand why it takes five ambulances to bring him to the hospital or why Hot Fuzz is not there by his side, we give the guy props for how he handles it. 

Blue Balls wins, and they are  soon on a roof-top bar, toasting their "fallen hero" (Brooks Brothers, who was a Red Ball) with Desiree WSBB.  And then, the 1:1 times begin, in which we learn What A Healthy and Stable Group of Men This Is: 

First up is Wishbone:  As Wishbone confesses that he has a three year old son named Maddox, that he is a single dad, that his ex is a drunk and got him arrested for domestic violence when he attempted to take away her keys, we think: 1) that is awful, on various levels, 2) If he says "her and I" one more time This Viewer is Going to bury him in a shallow grave of grammar textbooks, and 3) what is up with the water on this season because that man is Not Straight. 

Next is Chris:   We like Chris, who looks normal, acts normal, and does not appear to do the bowflex and eat 30 egg whites every day.   He takes Desiree WSBB up to the rooftop helipad, where they sit dangling their feet off the edge of a building. This is lovely, although ABe hates Desiree's dress, which is short and spangly/clingy: 

"What is she wearing??" ABe demands.  "It's like that dress that Whitney Houston wears in that movie with Kevin Costner." 

"You mean, 'The BodyGuard." says this viewer. 

"AND I-EEEEE-IIIIIIII will always LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU." sings ABe.  

Finally, we see 1:1 time with Brooks Brothers.  Though he was not a Blue Ball, he gets to come on this date to spend more time with Desiree.  Except he is fresh from the hospital, still wearing his little Dodgeball outfit and hospital bracelet, and totally, completely stoned out of his mind on pain meds.  They kiss under what looks to be a hospital blanket.  Meh. 

In the end, Chris gets the rose, which takes him off guard (yay, Chris!).  They walk to the other corner of the pool party and dance to a private concert by Kate Earle as this date draws to an end:  

"When you're down

Hallucinating on the edge of town

When everybody's let you down. . ." sings she. 

"Downer," thinks This Viewer. 

Except Chris appears to be a reasonable dancer, and as he kisses Desiree WSBB, it is Not Gross.  We are relieved by the number of not gross kissers there on Season Desiree. 

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor House, date card #2 has come for HashTag:  "Love Defies Gravity."  We really hope that Desiree WSBB turns HashTag into a witch.  We are not looking forward to this date. 

And just like that, it is the next day, and Desiree WSBB is writing in a journal at her own house, waiting for her date with HashTag.  "Ring Ring" whispers someone from stage left, and Desiree goes to the phone. "Yes Chris Harrison? Oh dear!  That is very serious! Yes, let's go confront him right now!" says Desiree.   This is staged and awful, and also she is Not Wearing Any Pants, unless one calls peaches and cream colored spandex jeans "pants."  We hate them. 

Off Chris and Desiree march to the Bachelor House.  And she pulls icky Brian aside:  "blah blah is there anything you want to tell me?  Are you here for the right reasons?" Desiree WSBB demands.  As Brian swears "yeah, definately," Chris Harrison suddenly parades Another Woman through the house.  

Her name is Stephanie. 

And she is allegedly Brian's Girlfriend. 

The drama that ensues is ridiculous.  Stephanie, sensing that she has National Stage, yells at Brian "You told me you weren't going to see anyone else!  We weren't broken up, we were 'on a break'!  You told me you were going on a business trip!! Do you care about my son, my three-year-old son, Donovan, that you have been A Role Model too? Yes, I threw rocks at you, but only because you were A Jerk!!""  

It is all a bit over the top, and we are not convinced that Stephanie is fully sane.  And also, and this is a PSA, Babies:  Do Not Date a Person Who Throws Rocks Past Age Two. 

But then this happens: 

Stephanie:  "And then we slept together 2 days before you left for the show!"

Brian:  "Yes we did." 

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeecht.  Desiree WSBB sends Brian packing. 

As this scene unfolds, the guys are clucking and pecking at the windows.  

"Hopefully, this doesn't put any doubt in her mind that others aren't here for the right reasons" [everybody drink], says John Boy. 

"Brian, obviously, was not here for the right reasons," [everybody drink], tells Desiree WSBB to her suitors. 

"I'm here for the right reasons," [everybody drink], HashTag pipes up. 

Ahnd jusht lik-a dat, Hasshtag n Deshiree leaf for der date.   Thish Viewer refillsh her wine. 

HashTag and Desiree soon depart for their date, leaving Hot Fuzz and Brandon shirtless in the kitchen making cocktails.  "I've had a lot of men come into my life as father figures.  I've fallen in love with them, and then the're just gone," says Brandon, crying to think about 3-year-old Donovan, to whom Icky Brian was allegedly A Role Model.  And then he turns it into a creepy thing about loving Desiree.  Oh dear.  We wish seeing a counselor was a part of the ABC screening process. 

We barely see the date with HashTag, for which This Viewer is grateful because there is just no Sizzle.  They dance on the side of a building, which is apparently called "bandaloop," and then attempt to sit outside in a violent windstorm.  "I know what we should do!," says Desiree as they are blown sideways, "Let's get in the pool!"  Which lasts 2 minutes until they are soon inside, freezing, and sitting on some steps.  Desiree claims that "him and I had a good time" nonetheless, and HashTag gets the rose on this date.  WHAT?

And now we are on Date #3, with Beefy James, Juan Ton, Abs, Caesar, and some guy named Dan.  "Who's the Lone Man Standing," read the card.  

The men are taken away from Bachelor Ranch on a stage coach, and shortly deposited in front of the Rose and Thorn Saloon, where Desiree WSBB fights with a man while dressed like this: 

Beefy James is excited because he thinks she is in a "beautiful dress from the 1900s."  sigh.  But WE are excited because the guys are going to learn all sorts of stage fighting tricks.  . while dressed like cowboys.  Please, sir, may This Viewer have another?   

All of us at the BMU find Caeser ridiculously cute in his cowboy gear despite our friend BMa claiming that he looks like Jim Carey in Dumb & Dumber.  But the real story is Mystery Man.  Who is this person?  Where did he come from?  Why did we not see him before?  And then we realize: it is Dan.  Dan??? Dan who has not spoken any words thus far this season.  

The guys fake shoot, rope a steer/hay bale, ride a horse, and so forth under the careful guidance of stuntmen for The Lone Ranger (coming soon to theaters near you!) and the movie is plugged shamelessly.  Desiree follows the men around in another white whimsical peasant dress that Jessica McClintock threw up in 1990, found its way to this viewer's sister's closet in 1991, and then to ABC's wardrobe thereafter. 

And in a competition of skillz, Juan Ton wins.  They go to a barn to watch the full movie The Lone Ranger with popcorn (because that is what This Viewer would want to do if she only had 2 hours with a person she was supposed to consider marrying), and then he kisses her.  And it is not gross!!! This Viewer wonders if we are going to make it an entire episode with No Gross Kissing. 

Blah blah, more 1:1 times happen after that.  Beefy James talks about how he has a sick father at home and its difficult for him to be away, Abs makes her laugh, Dan looks hot, . . . and Beefy James gets the rose on this date.  Yick. 

But wait - just when you thought it was time to have the rose ceremony, we must suffer through a Pool Party!!  John Boy is stalking Desiree WSBB, catching her before she enters the house and whisking her away for a drive.  We don't like John Boy, or his International Male tank top, or his day-glo hot pink shorts. We also don't like that he talks about how "girls put me in the Dad zone."  Really?  REALLY?  

Hot Fuzz and Mikey T discover what John Boy is up to, and confront him, and then John Boy lies about having spent any secret 1:1 time with Des.  This is boring and repetitious, so this Viewer will not report it except to note that at one point, Hot Fuzz claims he cannot "unscramble that egg."  

We are more interested in Dan, who is now offering Desiree WSBB some pizza from a box enscribed "Will you be my girlfriend or is this too cheesy?"  We love Dan!!!

But before we can see enough of Dan, Brandon has scared us all.  He takes Desiree WSBB aside, tearfully explains why the story of 3-year-old Donovan upset him, swears he's Never Going To Hurt Desiree, that he is Falling In Love With Her, tells her that she Consumes His Mind, and then forces a kiss.  Dammit.   Desiree is creeped out, as are we, and we think we know where this is heading. 

At last it is the rose ceremony.  Okay, so Desiree is wearing this dress that, in the words of KMu, "looks like she bought a bunch of those glass beads at Pier 1 and glued them to her breastplate."  It is seriously awful.  But in this dress, she picks to join Chris, HashTag, and Beefy James with roses: 

1.  Caesar (yay!)

2.  Juan Ton

3.  Abs

4.  Brooks Brothers

5.  Drew.  Who is this?

6.  Zack the book publisher. 

7.  Wishbone.

8.  Hot Fuzz. 

9.  MIkey T.

10.  John Boy. 

Nooooooo.  While we are not surprised that Brandon gets cut, we are very sad to see Hot Dan go.  Hot Dan takes it like a champ, but Brandon dissolves into tears, telling the camera "once again, someone left me."  Even though Desiree pulls him aside and tries to explain that it's better now than later, he does not understand.  Oh dear. 

Stay tuned for next week, when Desiree and All Men Associated Therewith go to Atlantic City.  

-KLo

Desiree WSBB Part 2: Vanilla Ice Ice Baby

"Can we just acknowledge that the background of the Bachelorette image this season is a bed sheet?" asks KMu as This Viewer Prepares Herself for the next few hours of Terror.  "Not roses, or little rickey in the weeds, but an honest to god bed sheet.  I appreciate the candor of that."   Truer words have not been spoken on a Monday night.

So the guys, who are still too many to remember, have all piled into their new and very turquoise house, in order to hear the good news from Chris Harrison:  There will be two 1:1 dates and one group date this week.  Oooooo.  Except we didn't really hear this and only figured it out later in the evening as the dates unfolded because we were Too Busy Trying to Figure Out Why Chris Harrison would be Wearing His Pajamas to Make This Announcement.
"Hey Burt, wanna play with pigeons?" says KMu.
No, Ernie, we want to all cry into our wine and then go to sleep.

The first date card goes to Brooks Brothers!   "I'm waiting for a sign," says it.   As he twitters with excitement, we have a hard edit to Desiree WSBB sketching dresses at a desk because she is, after all, an Aspiring Wedding Dress Designer.  Soon she is putting on more makeup and what really might as well be a painted-on outfit, and we at the BNU are moaning over how the Des of this season is not the Des of last season. Lo, for This Des is wearing fake eyelashes, appears to have had her bottom ribs surgically removed, and cannot seem to stop wearing Rubber And/Or Spandex Items Masquerading as Clothing.

Blah blah she comes to pick Brooks Brothers up and the other guys are jealous.  Hot Fuzz doesn't even want to go out to see the car depart with them in it.   John Boy Walton doesn't want Brooks Brothers to get a rose because he's "nice, gen-u-INE, but not me."  We don't really like John Boy.  But the real story is Super White Black Man, not for his content, but for his window dressing:
"There are literally other guys in that room that are darker than him," laments ABe.
"And to clarify, everyone else is white," acknowledges KMu.
Sigh.

Off we go with Brooks Brothers to . . where else . . .a wedding dress shop.  This is creepy.  They try on a bunch of outfits and laugh at themselves (ha ha, you put on a green tux! ha ha you keep putting on wedding dresses and asking me what I think!), and we cannot quite shake the feeling like this is one of those first date faux pas like asking the dude when y'all are going to have children in between the soup and salad.  Brooks Brothers appears to survive, and soon they depart dressed like cake toppers.   Desiree "Feels like a newlywed!"  Yikes.

So the best part of the next little scene, which is a frolic through LA, is that some random woman sees Desiree WSBB and her swain dressed in wedding gear and stopping at a cupcake stand, and completely has a fan melt down.   We would Be That Woman, only for totally different reasons.  We re-formulate our plans to somehow get into the audience at the Men Tell All.

The next stop for our Happy Couple is hiking up to the Hollywood sign.  In wedding clothes.  With a backpack.  "Isn't it beautiful," Desiree WSBB exclaims as she looks out over the smog of LA. "I feel like I'm in a fairy tale!"  [everybody drink].  

As they talk, Desiree WSBB shares her love of the Hollywood Sign and What It Represents:  "To me, it just represents everyone who is willing to come here for an opportunity to pursue their dreams."

Yes, the Hollywood Sign IS, in fact, the Ellis Island of the west coast.

As the music swells, KMu plays EMu's baby cymbals and we watch Brooks Brothers kiss Desiree WSBB.  And though we haven't said it, and despite his mashity face, we actually like Brooks Brothers.  He's reasonably articulate and open, and talks about opportunities and love but not in a Way that Dings the Ick Meter.  And soon, he has survived long enough to make it to dinner.

Let's talk about dinner.  Brooks Brothers is "nervous, because we are driving to this place with graffiti, and razor blades on the walls" and then they go to a dead end of a street, and then they move the barriers, and Desiree WSBB drives her luxury car onto a bridge and surprise!  It is awash in Barney purple!  There are chandeliers hanging down!  What could be more romantic than a dinner on a bridge in the middle of the freeway?  We conclude that it would be f*ing cold.   And also, people have probably jumped from that bridge, maybe during this show.  And also, the purple mood lighting is supposed to be romantic, but just makes This Viewer Feel Tired.

Blah blah they talk about their families, and Brooks Brothers talks about his parents' divorce when he  was 13 and how that impacted his relationship with his father.  And then he says to the camera that no matter what happens, he's just going to be exactly who he is in this process for better or worse, and suddenly we like Brooks Brothers even more.  We wish he would cut his hair, but we could always make that happen with some whiskey and a knife.

As the date winds to an end, Brooks Brothers gets the rose!  They skamper off to the *other* side of the bridge, where "Andy Grammer and his band" have set up to play a private concert, and an oriental rug has been laid across the highway for dancing.  We have no idea who Andy Grammer is until we recognize one time-worn hit, but the main story here is that Brooks Brothers and Desiree WSBB are really bad dancers.  We are pretty sure Brooks Brothers would dislocate his partner's shoulder, if not his own, trying to turn her.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, another date card has come.  And we don't exactly know who this is for, but it includes at least Dan, Juan Ton, Abs, Super White Black Man, Hashtag, Brian, Drew, Hot Fuzz, James, Wishbone, the other Zack, Brandon (who is interchangeable with Drew for This Viewer), and John Boy.  
"Who is here for the right reasons?" asks the Date Card.  [everybody drink].

Suddenly we are on the date, and Desiree WSBB is meeting the men at a very nice house surrounded by luxury cars.  She is wearing a fuschia spandex bandaid dress with cut out shoulders, which all of us seriously hate.  But we suddenly do not care because OH.  MY.  GOD.  They are doing a RAP video.  Complete with a bona fide rapper (Soulja Boy) and a choreographer (Konec).  Who are the only POC present, other than Super White Black Man.

So, when This Viewer was young, we, too, were an Aspiring Rapper.  In fact, we wrote a rather lengthy "Baryshnikov Rap" with our friend RMi.  Which included the following:

[cue terrible beatbox sounds made by 9 year old girl]:
There was a dude.
From Russia he defected.
New York City.
He e-ffected [uh-huh, uh-huh].
He was an awesome dancer.
Might even call him rad.
In Michael's Jackson's terms.
You'd just call him "bad."

There was BADASSERY going on in This Viewer's mind, babies.  BADASSERY and RAP STYLINGS.  we thank the good lord that there was no Youtube when This Viewer was little.

So the rap they are doing is called "For the Right Reasons [everybody drink]"  And to warm them up, Soulja Boy has the guys practice their own rhymes:
"Des is so fine
I wish she was mine
I hope she'll be my valentine" says HashTag.

"My name is Michael.
I'm hear for the right reasons.
I'm ready to commit to Des.
For all the four seasons,"  says Hot Fuzz.

We are So Excited.  And then, choreographer Konec takes it up to 11 for this Viewer when he makes them dance.  And Super White Black Man cannot dance.  At All.
In anguish, ABe screams from the couch: "HOLY F*CKING SHIT THIS IS MY AFGHAN MOMENT MAKE IT STOP RIGHT NOW."

But it Only Gets Better for this Viewer, who has emerged from behind the pillow that had been substituting for an Afghan Barrier Between Us and the Television, and is now watching the awesomeness that is ABC teaching these men little rhymes about past contestants:

"I'm your night in shining armor.
I'll guard and protect your heart.
[something something something]
I put a tattoo on my man part."  sings Brandon.  Who is NOT WEARING PANTS.

HashTag is beside himself.  "OMG, you are Kasey Kale!" he breathes.
Stop the Presses.  As KMu duly notes, even We at the BNU would not know Kasey's last name from season Ally.  "Is HashTag a Fan Boy?" queries KMu.
Suddenly, an alarming number of men are recognizing prior contestants from seasons that are seriously a long time ago.

And then Desiree shows up for the first video shoot.  In Daisy Dukes, a cowboy hat, and a micro denim vest opened to the navel for good measure.
"That denim vest would fit one of my boobs and still not close" mutters KMu.
That denim vest would come No Where Near This Viewer's Person, we silently vow.

Just like that, we are plunged into the music video:

"My manager sent me to promote my single.
I'll sing it to you girl, if it will help my jingle.
[something something something]
[something] . . love don't come easy," croons John Boy channeling Wes of season we don't even remember.

And then Hot Fuzz is awesome.  Except its Mikey T the plumber who is awesome, as he is playing a child while Hot Fuzz "raps:"
"I'm just a single dad making you think its all fine;
I propose one day and the next day I change my mind.
I cry so much, it will make you sick. . .
Oh wait, it's a Mesnick!" sings Hot Fuzz, channeling Big Daddy of season Big Daddy.

We would like to point out that we live shockingly close to Hot Fuzz's collegiate alma mater, which may be closes that this Viewer ever gets to knowing a contestant on this show.  We feel gleeful.

And then Brandon is rapping in all of his naked pantslessness about tattoos and man parts, and then Desiree WSBB sums up what We Have All Been Thinking (All of Us) this evening:
"Just from what I've seen today, there is A LOT of guys who are marriage material here."

Just like that, this Viewer Cannot Stop Laughing.

While we fully intend to watch the whole video at ABC's website, possibly several times, we have transitioned from the video set to an afterparty, and are plunged head first into 1:1 times.  Abs, who steals Desiree WSBB away first, surprises us.  He says that he went to an antique store and found an old journal that had never been written in, but that had an inscription from a dad to his daughter:  "May the words flow from your pen filled with emotion from your heart. Love always."

ABe and KMu think this is a terrible gift, but this Viewer secretly loves it.  We once had an aspiring boyfriend leave us a love note saying "may the words flow through you like jello," and we think that Abs' journal is a step up from there.

At any rate, we don't quite know what to make of Abs and his Surprising Unanticipated Depth, until he follows up the gift with:
"If this whole thing works out with us, you can have thoughts."
"You can have Thoughts?????" says Abe.  We confess that she has a point.

The rest of this evening goes as follows:  Mikey T and James, who is seriously like a giant beefy slab of manscaping, twitter to all the other men about how John Boy is there for the Wrong Reasons [everybody drink].  Meanwhile, John Boy sweeps Desiree aside for some 1:1 time by THE KITTY [hurrah, it is back!!],  talks about his son some more, and then kisses her.  Brandon, lurking in the shadows, sees this and is devastated because John Boy is not Here for the Right Reasons [everybody drink] and Brandon is overwhelmed by the feelings he suddenly has for Desiree after one date.  Hot Fuzz steps in and reassures Desiree that he, too, is there for the Right Reasons [everybody drink].  Brandon continues to shadow Desiree WSBB until he finally works up the courage to talk to her, and then pours out his soul about how his dad left when he was five, his mom was a drug addict, and he, as the oldest child, basically raised his two younger siblings from age 11 on.  But "if all of this works out, I just want to come home to you.  And to love you and be with you the rest of my life."  We think there is a confrontation in here with John Boy and the other guys, but really we are too tired and it is too boring to confirm.

Our heart breaks for Brandon, who is very sweet but appears to have some issues.  "It's either therapy or the Bachelorette," notes KMu, picking up the thread from the BNU's discussion group last season.

The worst part of all of this is that John Boy gets the rose on the group date.

While this drama is unfolding, date card #3 comes for Bryden the army vet:  "Road Trip," is all that it says.

The short of it is that we like Bryden.  We didn't expect to, but we do.  He has a haircut like Caesar, but he seems to be rather unobtrusive and calm.  And also, he seems to be respectful.  We don't see a tremendous amount of this date, which is basically driving along the California coast line stopping for snacks, for a failed attempt to fly a kite, to pointlessly run through an orange grove (who doesn't like doing that?), and to have dinner at a spa.   During dinner, Bryden/Caesar then tells a story about a horrible car accident he was in during his first year of college, and how he nearly died, and how he built himself back up to be able to join the military (his life long dream).  He confesses that previously, he had used the military as an excuse to avoid relationships, but that now he feels ready.  And we believe him.

"Okay, this is the part where you kiss her!" heckles this viewer.
We at the BNU are suddenly worried that Caesar is about to be friend-zoned.
And then we see them heading towards a pool.
"Yeah, they'll kiss," says KMu.
And with some coaxing from Desiree WSBB, it happens and It Is Not Gross!

Yay for Caesar!  Desiree gives unto him what he is due:  A Rose.

And at last, it is the rose ceremony. It is more drama and challenging of John Boy for his intentions when he swoops in on Hot Fuzz just as the Fuzziness is revealing that he has Type 1 diabetes, and then creepily says that he and Desiree share a "secret" that they supposedly had the first kiss (except they didn't), which he says in such a way that we feel like he is the pervy uncle.

But the Thing We Cannot Get Past is Desiree WSBB's dress.  It is like a mermaid fish tail.  And also, so tight that when she turns around, we can see the complete outline of Her Buttocks And All Cracks Associated Therewith:

We at the BNU are horrified by this dress, though it apparently proves no obstacle for the menfolk.

In the end, she picks to join Brooks Brothers, John Boy, and Caesar with roses:

1.  James of the big beefy beefiness.  Really?
2.  HashTag.  REALLY?
3.  Dan.  Who is this?
4.  Juan Ton - whom she speaks to in espanol.
5.  Wishbone.
6.  Chris.
7.  Brian.  Financial adviser whom we now think is creepy.
8.  Abs.
9.  Drew.
10.  Mikey T the Plumber.
11.  Other Zack.
12.  Hot Fuzz
13.  Brandon.

Aaaaand, Super White Black GUy, the guy with the eyebrows, and some other dude we can't remember get the axe!

Stay tuned for next week, in which we think someone goes to the hospital!!!

-KLo.