Rocky Part 2: My Little Pony

Ok, ladies: a word about the hair. We HATE the formal ponytail. We say we hate the formal ponytail even while understanding that Hate is a strong word and we should not use it. But we do. We hate it, and we believe that all women should avoid the formal PT and all bouffantness associated therewith BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A HORSE. The end.

Episode 2 begins with the announcement that we will have two group dates, each with a rose of protection guaranteeing advancement to the next round. Oooo, we have squeels of joy at this announcement, particularly as date box #1 is a jewelry box. "Come Runway with Me."

We know this is going to be stupid.

Date #1 is with Ashlee the singer/songwriter, Kristine the personal trainer, Marshana the fashion designer, Erin the cupie doll, Holly the childrens' book author (we think), Erin the hot dog vendor (go meat!), Amanda of the first-one-out-of-the-limos that we sort of like, and Michelle the "my reed needs to be wet to vibrate" cellist.

Big surprise: these women are going to catwalk for the bachelor. Bigger surprise: the formal PT is all the rage at this Catwalk of Shame. Marshana, practicing her sashay backstage, totally cuts one of the Erins like my neighbor Dennis. We endure a badly mimicked "yeah baby" from Rocky when Noelle the photographer prances on stage. Kristine has hijacked the big hair from White Snake and recreated it as High Fashion. Holly has a weird clipped little formal PT, which is not aided by her moonwalk in (I am not making this up) in anklet hosiery. Ashlee has the beginnings of a formal PT (big poof on top) ....and Amanda, who we used to like, takes off her top.

oh, this is horrid. And only gets worse when Matt takes the women to a penthouse to "spend some quality time" with them. Enter obligatory conversation about inter-racial dating with Marshana ("I picked you because you are beautiful; not because of the color of your skin") and..... a song by Michelle the cellist, which she wrote for Rocky.

It goes something like this:

I want to find you.
I want you to find me.
I want to touch you.
I want you to touch me.
I want to feel you.
I want you to feel me.
I want to find you (again).
I want you to find me (again).

Let me help you, Michelle: "When I think about you, I would touch myself."

But we stop burning in shame for Michelle when we realize that Ashlee is a dipshit. She steals him away to the bedroom, where she wants to know if Matt is "into her" and informs him that she has been "staring at his lips all day" which is just so moronic but of course gets a kiss from the bachelor. Thankfully, he appears to kiss better than bachelors past, though we feel he could be more selective with whom he bestows his saliva. Of course she gets the safety rose on this group date because he "digs her whole singer/songwriter thing."

And this is our issue: Ashlee is 22. Of course one can be a hippy-trippy singer/songwriter with thin lips when one is 22 years old and still thinks ramen is romantic and that sparkle eyeshadow makes her look mysterious. But give her 10 more years and a mortgage to pay, and she will call mushrooms from a can "dinner" and shave her legs with soap like the rest of us.

We also note (thank you, eagle-eyed viewer Art) that she has forgotten to take the tags of her nightclothes before wearing them on television.

And off we are to date #2: "Take a gamble on love and show me the city of sin." Could this be..... Vegas????? According to Shayne of the Lama, "even if you've been to Vegas a thousand times - like I have - your energy goes up when you arrive." We do not like her and her child-of-D-grade-actor ego.

Each woman is given $1,000 in chips to play for 30 minutes. She who stands with the most money at the end gets to spend 30 minutes in the closet with the Bachelor at the end of the date. One woman suggests that "what she's really going to be gambling with is her heart." Please God, let Darwin fulfill his work on this special day.

(Off the record, we recommend the penny slots because this viewer might have once won $60 in them once).

Okay, so our viewing partner KDer wants know if this is the "B Crowd" date, as Robin (also 22) is too afraid to gamble because she might lose. Of course this finagles a 5 minute session with the Bachelor where he affirms that she is in fact pretty and blahdy blah. She still doesn't gamble...but Shayne of the Lama does. The Lama Spawn bets it all in roulette and loses on the first spin... but it's okay because she just wants to take him by the hand and run away with him. Gag us.

Anyway, Kelly (in medical sales) wins $2100, so she gets the time with him. We are horrified by our similar name and previous tentative endorsement, as she sounds like she has been smoking for 50 years and promotes herself as "nice, cool, and can hold my alcohol" while slurring like she's been in the ring one too many years, followed by a "oh hell, we have ta see the other bitches..." on the way back from her 30 minutes of heaven.

And then Shayne of the Lama pulls out her D-grade movie-star card and insists that it be stamped. She is used to having tons of roses and attention, dammit, and now she has to wait in line with everyone else while all these other girls are vying for Matt's attention???? Unthinkable! He totally calls her on it, which makes us like him a teensy bit and sort-of make up for the fact that he laughed when Kelly yelled her bitches comment.

Oh oh oh, and then it just goes to hell. Now Kelly is drunk and Shayne is overthinking it in her ooey-gooey "I am an Actress" sort of way: "It's tough. There was an argument. I broke down, and now I want to talk to him. I didn't realize that it would be this real." As she whips out sunglasses that would make Edna on the Incredibles look like she was wearing swim goggles. Meanwhile, Chelsea is selling herself to the Bachelor as a "free-spirited child" (who is also double-jointed) in her blown-up formal PT that we hate. And she has this stupid laugh that wins her the Safety rose as Shayne skulks in a bathroom wearing her giant sunglasses and talking out of both sides of her mouth: "I'm used to getting my way, and I have to ask if this is worth it.....If I wanted to leave, I would, but I feel something for him."

Finally, blessed day, it is the Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Robin (afraid to gamble) is going to "Take the relationship to the next level and be a 'lot more vulnerable'" if she wants to make Episode 3. [insert shudder from KDer]. A cheesy conversation about meeting half-way to kiss and how he is getting off at the next stop (hahahhahhaa ) ensues. Blah blah they kiss.

Marshana swoops in for the kill, and he showers her with accolades about her creativeness. She invites him to dance with her (no music, Oh The Romance), and he wants to kiss her but won't do it with all these women looking on. And then Carri - remember she bit the beer can in half? - yeah, she also sings opera.

Once again, she unhinges her jaw and we get: "Suuuuuuuuummmmmmmmerrrrrttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. And the living is Eaaaaaaaassssssssssyyyyy."

Oh. Sweet. Mary. On. Buttered. Toast.

We are saved only by Amanda and her stress-induced hiccups, Shayne and her admission of a "little tantrum" the other night (and ginormous hair ball on top of her head), and Marshana's grinding in the bachelor's lap. We will take this all to Summertime in church-lady vibratto, yes we will, and with a smile. Oh, and we also will take all of this over Chelsea - who apparently decided to wear a dress out of toilet paper with air holes on the sides since she knew she already had a rose.

And he chooses:
1. Robin, who we are starting to think looks like a freakity Christina Ricci
2. Holly (we know nothing about her yet, other than she likes hot pink)
3. Erin the hot dog vendor (Go meat)
4. Amanda (stress hiccups; we sort of like her and forgive her for taking off her top on the catwalk)
5. Kelly who can hold her alcohol (not)
6. Amy
7. Kristine
8. Marshana
9. Noelle
10. Shayne. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

And with that, we know why he has poor judgment. I mean, we already sort of knew but this is only the damning evidence. Although admittedly, he dropped Erin the cupie doll, Carri "summertime" beer-can eater, and Michelle who touches herself. So his pickings were slim to begin with.

Stay tuned for next week, when this viewer is in Mexico!!! So we may be a few days delayed, but we will be Back In Action soon enough.

KLo

Rocky Part 1: One G-String Over the Line, Sweet Jesus

oooooo, OOOOOOO it is time for the Bachelor, Gentle Readers. And his name is Matt, but we do not care because he is a 6'5" version of Rocky Raccoon. "So he is a massive tool," predicts our erstwhile viewing companion, KMu. We are predisposed not to like him because a) he has the name of boyfriends past, 2) he has teeth that could build a dam, and 3) he just walked barefoot across the street la Abby Road (because he is British, and that is what the British do). He is also a Banker, which we *think* sounds glamorous until we think of all the bankers working in our very own building and their red noses.

But we digress. Matt/Rocky you see, likes American women. He's always had a "thing" for us. Yes yes, we are all fabulous (yes we are). But we are also concerned that though only a baby of 27, he is ready to settle down.... and no better person for whom to settle than one of the haggity gaggle descending from the limos as we type.

Except that we like Amanda, who is the first one out of Limo #1. She is an account executive from somewhere or other and appears to have brains. But we do not get to dwell on Amanda before being accosted by Amy the nanny in her seagreen foam dress. We hate the seagreen, but not as much as Devon from Texas's hair, which is all poofity. We also do not like Kristin the personal trainer from NC, who has some sort of accordian red dress, or Chelsea of the pharmaceutical sales, arm-wrestling, and fake jubblies.

Limo #2 has Erin the event planner. We admit to thinking her a Great Beauty in a sort of if-Elizabeth-Taylor-were-a-cupie-doll way, except that she has a horrid line about some ring on her ring finger being a "place holder" until Matt puts something on there. That dings the "ick" meter. We also like Kelly of the medical sales, primarily because she spells her name correctly.

But then, oh no.

Dammit.

We have a lawyer.

We all know by now that the lawyers and law students in the bunch are going to Shame The Profession with a wonkity eye, or a penchant for opera at inappropriate times..... or a dress that looks like Laura Ashley threw up on her and then hung her by her ropey neck strings. And that is Rebecca. We do not consider Amanda the law student to be any better, in her "I'm an upsidedown cupcake" hot pink frosted prom dress from 1983. We might have bedazzled our own prom dress with earrings, but we are sure this is Much Worse. She also talks as if one giant run-on sentence. Why, WHY do you do this to us, ABC? ????

We are only diverted by Denise the "Former Bush Aide." Our viewing companion wants to know, "Do they mean President Bush, or......" Which is totally a valid question, as we have a HOT DOG VENDOR with jubblies like chicken wings hanging out of her dress on either side and Stacee the graduate student from Chicago, IL with a tramp stamp, Estelle Getty dress, and a "hey baby, hey gorgeous" type of come-on line for Matt traipsing out afterwards.

Marshana of New York has some sort of sari that she made, which should be fine and we should be appreciative of....except that dammit, we are sick of the lack of body fat around here and woudn't it be nice if there was some sort of soft curve not also made of plastic on this show????

We are rewarded for our thoughts by Tamara the cocktail waitress with a strubily dress, Holly the 25-year-old children's book author, and Tiffany the real estate manager. Oh, and did we mention Shayne, who is LORENZO THE LLAMA'S DAUGHTER? We are instantly mortified, as he did that show called "Hot Or Not" and had a horribly laser pointer to point out all the lady jiggle on the contestants. We hate the Llama and his pointer. We shake our lady jiggle in his general direction.

Blah blah and then we have another event planner (Robin), Ashlee the Singer/songwriter, Alyssa the biology student, and Michelle the administrative assistant who did not get the memo that all redheads should not wear emerald green and do their hair as if for the Sadie Hawkins dance. But we are impressed with Cari the church marketer, who wears a dress cut completely down to her bits and unhinges her jaw with laughter when Rocky makes a mildly funny remark. We bet she fares better with the menfolk than Lesley the youth minister with Florida bangs and a baggy dress. Last but not least are Michelle the interior designer with a voice like Beaker (meeemee mee mee) and Noelle the photographer.

OMG and now suddenly here we are....and here HE is... and he comes into the room and they blow him away. And we decide he likes horsey women and that it is really just downhill for all of us. Chelsea the arm-wrestler is now slurring her words and challenges him to a wrassle, which of course he lets her win. "I only arm wrestle women. Pregnant women usually" he says. Booo.

Then Lady Aide the Bush wants to engage Rocky in conversation about politics (she was a Rove aide first hahahhahaha), so Cari the church marketer BITES A BEER CAN IN HALF. She spits out the chunk and gives it to Matt as a token to remember her by. She is "all that and a bag of chips," according to her. We secretly know she keeps the chip bag with her for her teeth.

And then, in case it couldn't get any worse, the Attorney starts to dance. In a great big "I am channeling Elaine on Seinfeld" kind of way. And then another woman is playing rock/paper/scissors with the bachelor, and Ashlee the singer/songwriter is singing to him, and then Michelle of the emerald dress and Sadie Hawkins hair whips out her CLARINET, people. And puts the reed in her mouth because it "has to be wet in order to vibrate."

Meanwhile, Stacee of the T. Stamp is completely spiraling out of control. Says Erin, "she has no class" as Erin applies her lipstick and then sticks the tube down the armpit of her dress. Stacee is swearing like a sailor and massaging Rocky's knee as one of the event planners tries to talk about her job to the Raccoon. "You are really boring me, I'm not going to lie," she tells them, and that she's in pharmaceuticals and "wants to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one would think about." Oh, and that when she thinks of England, she thinks of hybrid cars (only she can't think of the name "hybrid car" because she is too drunk). After stuffing her PANTIES down the bachelor's pocket, she passes out in another room snoring loudly.

Says Matt: "I don't give a shit what country you are from, this is not cool." as he whips out the panties...inside out....and gives our eyes a burning socket full of the secret inner panel of all womenlacing. Where things might drip if the dew hath not been shaken from the Lilly. On national television.

Thank the good lord that he gives the First Impression Rose to Amanda, first out of the limos. Although his preface is not that great: "I haven't actually spoken to you that much, but the moments we have spent together have been fabulous [and you are not a panty-stuffing batshit drunk]."

And now it is time for him to pick the 14 continuing "ladies."

1. Chelsea the arm wrestler
2. Shayne of The Llama
3. Michelle the clarinetist
4. Marshanna of the "I made it myself" sari
5. Ashlee the singer/songwriter
6. Noelle the photographer
7. Erin the Hot Dog Seller ("go meat.")
8. Amy of the seafoam dress
9. Cari "bag of chips" can biter
10. Christine of the crimpity dress
11. Robin (sort of normal, speaks french)
12. Kelly (go Kelly!)
13. Holly
14. One of the Erins.

According to Stacee, nobody can "handle" what she can bring.

We wait on pins and needles for the upcoming season, as we are treated to a preview of some happy couple in the water, him carrying her with her feet all floppity off to the side as if her fish tail is about to unfold.