Wombat Part 8: Tales from the Crypt

Well, babies. It has happened. This viewer is getting married.
"At least someone got engaged this season of the bachelor," sayeth PMu. Word.

"This. has. been. an. incred.ible. experience. Waking. up. in. New. York. I was. so. excited," reports the Wombat. So the first time we woke up in New York, it was to the noise of a gay pride parade racketing down the street outside our residence like a mardi gras queen in assless chaps. Which is, in fact, far more exciting than the rain peeing down the window outside the Wombat's. And also, why is he wearing a cap from Newsies? This is an Unconvincing Look for the Wombat.

He recaps the women: He could see "real life" with Chantally Lace. The Dentist has energy like a Yorkie. Shawntel of the Dead is "beautiful, fun." And Dolly Pemily . . . .
ABe: "He wants to pick her, but they wouldn't survive as a couple."
KMu: "Yeah, because they're both too stupid."
We are vaguely aware of the Wombat saying something about feelings getting deeper, but still cannot get past his hat. "Hello, gov'ner," says ABe.

Without further ado, we are accosted by Chantally Lace. She has chewed through her floral noose and run to meet the Wombat in the park during one of the only sunny days in her hometown of Seattle, frayed ends of the rope/scarf dangling. Unfortunately, her pants are so tight that, when she jumps into the Wombat's arms, Chantally Lace leaves her legs behind. We know girlfriend is tiny, but that has still got to feel like a ton of bricks for the Wombat.

Chantally Lace prattles on and on and ON in the Most Pointless Conversation Ever: So happy to see you. Just natural. Be yourself. This is like hanging out in real life. Parents important. Go meet them. But first, let's go home to my house so we can . . . meet my dog Boca.
[GASP].
Gentle readers, "Boca" is a 6 inch tall pomeranian in a HOODIE. Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got, babies, she's just "Boca from the Block." Having been warned that Boca "can bite," the Wombat is also thrilled to discover that "Boca is a good judge of character," -- apparently based on the fact that Boca does not bite HIM. We secretly feel like Chantally Lace's other pets: two cats looking Salty in the corner. But Chantally Lace thinks hanging out with the Wombat and Boca is "just like the Real World." Yes, This is the story about what happens when a Cowboy from Texas and an Emo from Seattle Stop Being Polite, and Get Real.

So just because this is completely like the real life, we go to meet Chantally Lace's parents in the most Ridiculously Overdone Mansion Ever. Babies, it has it's own brick circular entry/driveway, between two sets of gates. Are we back at the Bachelorette house? Because this place is looking familiar. And also, home to Mom, Billy Joel (or Jo, but Joel is more fun), Michael, and brother Conner. "What up, bro," says the Wombat.

Illustrating the age-old adage that Money Does Not Equal Taste, our eyes do not know where to look: at Billy Joel's fake boobs and fake lips, at the giant candelabra stuck between a bunch of other Giant Things People Buy from Pottery Barn to Decorate Giant tables, or at the giant basket of chicken that Dad Michael just put down on the Giant table, to accompany the decanted wine. Our eyes go back to the mother. Is this chick for real? As she catwalks out of the living room, we conclude that Billy Joel will be on the next Hosewives of Seattle, and that the Wombat will be playing footsie with both ladies of the house during dinner.

Dad and Chantally lace have a heart to heart. Oh, it's just like when he met mom and knew This Was It (before the collagen)! Dad and the Wombat have a heart to heart. Babies, they both have bricklayers in their families. And also, Dad has a 10 foot high statute of a man carving himself out of rock in the middle of his house because 1) why not, and 2) "guys like you and me, we are Self Made Men." Dad and Wombat get progressively drunk as they carry their conversation to what this viewer *might* have secretly thought was the kitchen, but is, in fact, the wine cellar. Oops. That is apparently only in this viewer's kitchen.

As the men hug it out in a budding Bromance, Chantally Lace sits awkwardly across from Billy Joel in the sitting room. Billy Joel tries to move her lips to say that she must Trust Love. But Chantally Lace is scared, babies. She Never Thought She Would Feel this Way Again after her 10-year romance with her high school sweetheart ended in divorce. "Come here so that I can awkwardly pet your hair," says a potted plant next to Billy Joel. We applaud Billy Joel for practicing ventriloquey, in light of her situation.

This date ends as it should:
Chantally Lace: "I will miss you."
Wombat: "Ok, sounds good."

Off we go to Madawaksa, Maine, a/k/a the most northeastern town in the United States, to meet the Dentist. KMu hands us a brownie. "It's a speedball," says KMu. You know, so that we are on the same sauce as the Dentist.

So the Dentist is wearing a white t-shirt tucked into spandex leggings, and boots. We do not know how we feel about this, but we no longer care because suddenly, the Dentist is feeding the Wombat Poutine!!! We love us some french fries with gravy and cheese. Our mind flashes back to eating this elixir at Superbowl 2008 and the Superbowl Blow Out that followed. It was so worth it, babies. We decide that, in the world of Weird Shit French Speaking People Put on French Fries, we will take Poutine any day over its Belgian response: Mayonaisse. Except what did we just hear the Wombat say? "This is better than sushi." You are DEAD TO ME, Wombat.

This date is dizzying game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. The Wombat and Dentist race around snapping up carrots, lobster, and apples, only to vomit them all back up to her family: Mom Laurie, Dad Mike, Sister Christie, and Brother somebody-or-other, who then musical-chair it around the living room at a frantic pace. Christie explains that, living so far north, the girls were into innocent entertainment as children . . . ice skating, ice fishing, and the occassional tattoo parlor (judging from the full-body tats that Christie is sporting just under her t-shirt). We heart Christie.

In 1:1 time with Dad, he informs the Wombat that she is going to "finish school" and "become a dentist." Stop the presses. Ashley is NOT A DENTIST??? Color us shocked that ABC would embellish this fact. The Wombat, in turn, worries that he will "hold Ashley back in life." You know, Wombat, that is Really Surprising as she can Think Circles Around You. But if the Dentist wants to saddle herself to a twit, so be it.

This date ends with Mom Laurie suggesting that the Wombat spend the night because they "have four bedrooms." And also, the parents could just Bundle the Wombat and the Dentist, for warmth and propriety just like the old Mennonites of yore. That's right, babies: stick a board between them and rope them up tight. Bundling: What REALLY happens in the Fantasy Suite.

And now we come to the Piece de Resistance: The Wombat wanders into Chico, California to meet Shawntel of the Dead for their Hometown Date. And what better place to start, than at the funeral home? Da da DA, dadadada Da DUM!!!! As the Toccata & Fugue in G Minor starts to play, Shawntel of the Dead rises up from the stairwell in a mini-skirt and cowboy boots with this:
"Death has been a part of my life since I was a little girl."
Oh look, it's Debbie Does a Funeral Home, Chico-Style.

"This is a first for "Brad and I's relationship," says Shawntel. If this viewer were on the embalming table, we would rise up and smite this woman for Killing Grammar. But the Wombat is unphased (though not for long):
"From the little I've seen, I love it here!," says he.
"Thanks, it gets even prettier!," says Shawntel of the Dead.
Babies, he meant the town.
Okay, so in the interest of full disclosure (and because ABe and KMu are going to Out Us otherwise), this viewer has secretly and seriously thought about being a mortician. We don't mind dead people. Or grief. And we can do hair. And also, death is not unrelated to the practice of law. But Shawntel prances about the crypts ("do you want to be cremated?"), the cremation room, and the prep room with scissors of every color and variety, and describes how she meets with families to prepare their wishes. And so we can understand why the Wombat is looking progressively wild-eyed, ESPECIALLY when she puts him on the prep table. Uh oh.

We go home to meet Mom Colleen, Dad Rick, and Sisters Destiny and Vanessa. Somehow, these two normal people that are Shawntel's parents have managed to create three hot daughters. Though, KMu observes that naming one's child "Destiny" has a whole new meaning when one runs a funeral home.

So this is our thing (all of us): We really like this family. Dad Rick throws down on Shawntel of the Dead: "You were in the line of succession to take over the family business, and you can't do that if you move away."
Shawntel: "But Daddy, I am in love. And when a person is In Love, they do Crazy Things." (like throw away one's career to marry an emotionally challenged bar owner from Texas).

We heave a deep, heartfelt sigh for Shawntel's parents to have raised such pretty daughters, one of whom has apparently lost her mind. "That's okay," we whisper. "She will come back. This viewer once dated a man who kept a ferret in his bathroom, and it all worked out in the end." Fortunately for Shawntel's parents, and though we like Shawntel more than before, we know she is Toast. The Wombat stands about three feet away from her as they say goodbye.

And the last Hometown Date with Dolly Pemily is upon us. And what better place to start out than a park, where ABC can shamelessly tug at our heartstrings with a shot of Ricky running into Dolly Pemily's arms, a la Big Daddy and Ty. As the Wombat walks across a park bridge carrying something pink, KMu calls it: "He got Ricky a kite."
And color us shocked, it IS a butterfly kite.
So this is just another supremely awkward date, with Ricky hiding behind Dolly Pemily the entire time, the Wombat trying to connect over a picnic lunch ("what. do. you. like. to do. for fun") and Dolly Pemily trying to juggle a mute daughter and a cardboard date . . . until the Wombat decides to break the ice by asking Ricky about her makeup table.

You know, when this viewer was little, all we wanted was one of those disembodied heads with a giant makeup kit and curlers, so that we could do hair and makeup to our heart's content. And do you know what we got? We got a bike. But our sister, SHa, SHE got a Dolly Parton wig for her fourth birthday. And that's why she likes Britney Spears. True Story.

At any rate, things unthaw over board games and tooth brushing, except the whole kid thing has traumatized the Wombat. He claims he is ready for children, gentle readers, but he Just. Can't. Kiss. Dolly Pemily with her child sleeping upstairs. To Dolly Pemily's credit, she concludes: "Brad Wombat is not walking out the door without kissing me. That's for damn sure." Ok, we like D.P. And, in the only moment of minor aggression we have witnessed from the Dolly, she actually liplocks the Wombat as he leaves. Yay, Dolly Pemily! But you deserve so much better!

So the rose ceremony, like it always is, is upon us. And even though it is President's Day, was it really necessary for the ladies to wear Red (Chantally Lace), White (the Dentist), and Blue (Dolly Pemily)? We now KNOW that Shawntel of the Dead is going home, because she is black and babies, black ain't a color of ABC's United States.

Sure enough, after a pointless deliberation with Chris Harrison, the Wombat picks:
1. The Dentist.
2. Dolly Pemily.
3. Chantally Lace.
Shawntel of the Dead is very graceful as the Wombat informs her that she got the axe because, besides creeping him out, he "didn't feel the way a man ought to feel," when she told him that she loved him. We seriously hope that Shawntel of the Dead finds a guy who can handle her lifestyle.

Stay tuned for next week, when the ladies go to South Africa and must decide whether to Stay in the Fantasy Suite. This viewer personally thinks it's a good idea, as the only off-air time to get to know each other.
Sayeth KMu: "And see how big Wombat's penis is."
Sayeth PMu: "Of course, if Brett Favre is the next bachelor, there's no need to use the Fantasy Suite to learn that."

-KLo

Wombat Part 7: Fat Lard

Hello my Valentines!!! In honor of Valentine's Day and ABe's birthday, the Mus began Wombat Part 7 by cracking out the Special Sauce. As G Love says (sort of): "My babies' got sauce, your baby ain't sweet like mine." So sing it, babies, and let's begin.

We have Confirmed What We Secretly Suspected this season, which is that Chantally Lace is All Worlds of Fake on top. How do we know this? Because Chantally Lace has invented her own tube top that is magically staying in place on the speed boat to Anguilla. And if They Were Real, then she would have given Broke Back Michelle another black eye, Hammer-Style, with all the tossing about on the waves. Except that we almost don't care because our brain is now burned by Broke Back, who has apparently just left the ZZ Top concert with a special souvenier: a hot pink shredded t-shirt with wings on the front. We hate this top.

Yes yes so here we are in Anguilla for the last episode before the Wombat meets families, and Chris Harrison wants us all to know that THIS time around, there shall be three individual dates with no roses (oooo) and one group date with a single rose. Skipper Barbie is concerned. As the only girl left who has not ever gotten a 1:1 date, she has some catching up to do. Oh Skipper, we all know you are going home for no other reason than you are not brunette, so do not worry.

And the first date card comes: "Three things I would take to a deserted island: a picnic lunch, champagne, and Dolly Pemily." Ok, so this viewer would bring a knife, but whatever. Dolly Pemily, who the Wombat has just scooped out of the pool in her little coverup, is charmed when a helicopter shows up: "You do too much on our dates!!!" she says. Yes, Dolly, we are all confident that the Wombat had all of these tricks up his very own sleeve. The Wombat, however, is hoping that ABC's grand gestures will help him "take. it. to a. whole. new. level." with Dolly Pemily. He is in luck.
Wombat (to the camera): "This is a. perfect. scenario. for a guy. to. tell. how. he's. feeling."
Wombat (to DP): "So. this is. a. pretty. view. Em."
Dolly Pemily: "Yes."
Wombat (to DP) : "I. could. stay here. all. day."
Dolly Pemily: "Yes. . . . If the sun and moon align, it will work out between us."

Step aside, Jane Austen, there's a new gal in town.

And the bleeding continues:
Wombat: "Tell. me. what. for. you. is your favorite part. of. today."
Dolly Pemily: "Oh. I liked today. "

She also likes soup, and talking and not talking. But gentle readers, Dolly Pemily is worried, as she has never introduced her daughter Ricky to anyone she has dated. And yet, crisis: How can he propose, not having met her daughter? The Wombat makes a Bold Move, promising to give Dolly Pemily a rose at the end of the week so that she can start making the "phone calls" to line things up for the following week. That's right, the Wombat is a "rule breaker."

He has also fallen "very. hard. tonight." As the Wombat and Dolly Pemily wander into the water to kiss/pee, he says that their "kiss is more than just a kiss." Meh.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has come for . . . Shawntel of the Dead!!! "Let's find love on the streets of Anguilla. And also, scurvy." So we made the last part up, but Gentle Readers, S of the D is just excited to focus on "Brad and I's relationship." We secretly hope that Shawntel is not responsible for writing the death announcements in Chico, TX.

Thank god for black people playing the steel drums, to carry us away on the Sea of Burning Rage. As you know (all of you), this viewer hates a steel drum almost as much as the jazz flute. Shawnel of the Dead and the Wombat offer us a montage of Black People Activities such as jump rope and the playing of dominos, and we brace ourselves for the inevitable Chitlin Cook Off. But instead. . . we are presented with Aunt Jemima.

ABe's head just exploded all over the BNU offices/Mus living room.

That's right, babies, ABC has found a Magical Black Person in the streets of Anguilla to advise Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat on their relationship journey. Her name is Aunt Bea, and yes, she does in fact wear a red and white turbin to match her apron, to which her bosoms have seceded. As she blesses the couple, the Wombat is moved to give Aunt Bea a paternalistic hug. We hear a choking sound from the direction of ABe.

Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat beat a hasty retreat to the park, where they eat lunch surrounded by goats. They feel natural around each other, babies. So much that Shawntel proclaims her love (color us shocked). And then. . . *PAFF** we are suddenly in a woodland area, where the Wombat needs to "sit.down. and measure. my feelings." Would that be in metric? We will never find out, because it is dinner, and S of the D is asking if the Wombat respects his mother, and he is excited to talk about his family with her, and there is love being proclaimed and rain and making out and then suddenly "I have. yet. another. surprise. for Shawntel."

My babies, it is Bankie Banx, famous singer in Anguilla and perhaps "the Entire Carribean." And look, he has brought an entourage of ABC extras to stand around awkwardly until he is ready to play, at which point they magically break into smiles an dancing, re-creating the bar scene from Eat. Pray. Love.

As "Bankie" starts his reggae set, we flash back to a reggae concert in our college days. It was there, my darlings, that this viewer spied her English Literature professor outside her native habitat, blinking doe-like in the lights and swaying awkwardly with a group of similarly lost professorial types. Which made us feel our own interminable bouncing and the oldness in our joints, even at age 19. We carry this memory with us, babies, lest we forget that Reggae Hurts. And also, that we will Not Be Seen In the Same Light if we take our pasty ass to a concert in which we might run into Young People That We Know.

The date ends with Shawntel of the Dead and the Wombat stripping down into their swimwear and their "his and hers" tramp stamps, to embrace in the water. It is at this point that ABE suggests that we stop watching the Bachelor and just blog our own made-up season. Ooooo, intriguing.

So Date Card #3 is upon us: "Let's set sail on a sea of love," and surprise, it is for the Skipper. Broke Back hopes that her "ship will go down." Which is perhaps why Skipper has decided to festoon herself in a neon orange/pink jacket with those hated mesh shoulder panels. We hate this jacket even more than Broke Back's ZZ top, and so we are glad when the Wombat announces that they will be swimming out to . . . .a yacht!!! Which they will take to a Local Spot, where the Wombat can throw Skipper off some rocks.

As the Skipper struggles up a rock in her swimsuit to jump "for the sake of the relationship," we feel bad for her Utterly Buttless ways and the fact that she must spend an entire date in a bikini on national television. "I cannot imagine doing that in a string bikini," says KMu. "Or anything in a string bikini." Mama don't need to wear no basketball hoop past the age of 30.

Skipper flings herself to her death, which we can barely see, as she has turned sideways now and we are old and blind. The Wombat is proud of her for jumping, but he is troubled because he is in the Most Romantic Place Ever, and yet does not feel like "grabbing her and kissing her." Well, we would not want to grab a pile of bones either unless our name was Hansel and we want to fool the Wicked Witch. In the end, and after an incredibly awkward dinner (to which Skipper has not helped her cause by wearing a slip), the Wombat gives her the heave-ho. You see, after the Wombat was "crucified" for "stringing girls along" on Wombat Season 1, he does not want to do that to the Skipper. "Do you think that's how he got that cross on his back?" wonders KMu.

We feel bad for the Skipper, who is actually very nice, as she wanders back to the ladies' villa by herself and has to pack in front of all the other secretly delighted contestants.

Thank god it is the final group date (as we are hungry and also late for work). The Wombat wakes the Dentist, Broke Back, and Chantally Lace at midnight for their Big Surprise: They will be posing in the next Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Magazine, out today! "Thousands of women dream of doing this," proclaims the Wombat. "No," corrects KMU, "thousands of men dream of women dreaming about doing this." Confirming this sentiment, Chantally Lace says, "I feel like a fat lard. I wish I hadn't eaten for the last couple days."

Let us summarize. The Dentist uses conch shells in lieu of a bikini top. Chantally Lace cries and "does not feel sexy." Chantally Lace then takes her top off and is chased around the screen by a little black editing box for the next five minutes. Chantally Lace cries. Broke Back, not wanting to be outdone, declares that she is "not the kind of girl" to also remove her top (no doubt she does not want to display her scars), but that she IS the sort of girl to roll around in the sand licking the Wombat's face. Chantally Lace cries. The entire group then goes to a "pool party" where the women get drunk and Chantally Lace cries, before showing the world the vertical back tat of Chinese text that she wisely placed directly above her crack. Or, as KMu calls it, her "fortune cookie." The Wombat is traumatized, Chantally Lace cries and storms off. The end. Oh, and the Dentist gets the rose on this date (making Chantally Lace cry).

We no longer care who wins this thing. Chantally Lace, you have Defeated Us. ABe suggests that the Wombat send her home for being a lame ass.

Thank god we don't have to wait any longer, because the Rose Ceremony is Upon us. And gentle readers, the Wombat doesn't need a cocktail party to make up his mind, because he is So Ready to Get This Over With. We are too, because Shawntel of the Dead has shown up in a knee-length t-shirt with buttons on the front. And Dolly Pemily is wearing our beach towel. And Chantally Lace is wearing go go fringe. And Broke Back is wearing a mu mu with earrings the size of a plate. AND the dentist is wearing a romper pantsuit. Make it end, Wombat. MAKE IT END.

So he picks to join the Dentist:
1. Dolly Pemily
2. Shawntel of the Dead.
3. Chantally Lace.

OH! Broke Back is going Home!!! We are actually glad when BBM won't let the Wombat hold her hand or talk to her, and then lays down silently in the limo to ride off. Thank you, god, for smal favors.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Wombat announces that he Does Not Deal Well With Death.
KLo.

Wombat Part 6: Make You Feel My Love

Make no bones (hee hee) about, Wombat Part 6 opens with the Worst Conception Imagery Ever. To whit: Itty bitty helicopter flying over the vast lush expanse of Costa Rica *CRASHING WATERFALL* itty helicopter *CRASHING WATERFALL into circular pool* itty helicopter and . . .touchdown. The Wombat hopes that Costa Rica helps him find love.

As we land with Bradley, our eyes are assaulted with imagery from ABC's view of Costa Rica. And we don't remember any of them except The Cow. Though The Cow is only on the screen for a fraction of a second, it is enough to traumatize us forever. Babies, when we were in the Other Rica/o (puerto), we were Chased By A Cow. And while this might be funny in the abstract, when one is between a fence and a cliff with the Cow clippity-clopping closer and closer behind oneself : clip clop clip clop clippity clop clippitycloppityclippitycloppity
CLIPPITYCLOPPITY, I can tell you it is Not Fine. And also, it does Not Work to stare an animal into laying down like The Crocodile Dundee. Just an fyi.

Oh look, there is a volcano! We Love a volcano -- so much so that we forgive the ladies for saying that their villa "overlooks" it, even though said villa is miles away and clearly at the volcano's base. As the ladies move into their new digs, Broke Back Michelle is convinced she can "make" the Wombat fall in love with her here. Too bad that the first date card comes for Chantally Lace:
"Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight." Oooo!!!
Broke Back supplies the rejoinder: "If Brad is interested in Chantal, he isn't interested in me." Yes Broke Back, we are all praying for that.

The Wombat immediately picks Chantally Lace up for their date. . .a "little adventure" in Costa Rica. As they fly off in their helicopter towards the volcano, we suffer a pang of rare jealousy. You know, this viewer would suffer a day with the Wombat to visit a volcano. We even know how we would do it, as we learned this trick in Junior High: bring a Hot Friend along as a decoy, so we are left in peace. We promise you, babies, it works.

At any rate, the Wombat is thrilled. "If. you. are going. to do. what. Chantal. and I am. going. to do., where. not. to do. it. in this. particular. place." Oh Brad, we all know what you and Chantal are about to do, and are pretty sure you have done "it" before. And also, we don't like your shorts. They may be innocuous, but they are Too Long with his red shirt. Why hello, Ernie, where is Bert? But All of This passes over the head of Chantally Lace, who apparently married her high school boyfriend, with whom she was together for 10 years. She is just happy to be Out, period, whether with or without a muppet.
ABC, this is the closest to a Sacrificial Virgin you are going to get, on so many levels.

But *surprise* they are going zip lining down the volcano in the Longest Zipline In The World! Chantally Lace is glad because she is ready to "reconnect" with the Wombat. The Wombat, too, is hoping to "rejuvenate what was lost" and "get back to our old ways." From what, two weeks ago? Contributing to the whole Flashdance aspect of this particular scene, it starts to rain. As the soaking wet couple tandem ziplines together, Chantally Lace says "It's definately a different position, having my legs wrapped tightly around Brad. But we could get used to this." OMG.
And yet, the Wombat is excited for more: "I am going to take Chantal to a new setting where we can be more 'intimate.'" WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE THIS.

And yet, we cannot look away, as suddenly we are at dinner with the couple Down By the River. As the Wombat inquires as to whether they are eating The Local Cuisine (coconut), it starts to rain again. How fortunate that they could run offset and directly into a bedroom, where Chantally Lace could change into the Wombat's button down shirt and forget her pants. The Wombat is excited because this is now Just Like a Normal Date (and that Chantally Lace possibly looks "hotter than ever" without pants). Chantally Lace, for her part, is just happy to see the Wombat in his "cute comfies."

As Chantally Lace sits with one leg in the air (the Terror), she and the Wombat eat cheesecake. She confesses that she is "crazy about" the Wombat, and he confides that she "scared him" in Vegas with the weeping and drama. Oh, but no, babies: that was Not Drama, for it was Real. It came from a Place of Honesty. We do not care what place it came from, as we are deeply worried that we will in fact SEE that place if Chantally Lace does not start sitting like a lady.

She gets the rose.

Back at the house, Date Card #2 has arrived for the group date: "Love Springs Ahead." Jackie the Artist, Broke Back Michelle, Dolly Pemily, the Dentist, Shawntel of the Dead, and Skipper Barbie are all at bat. Alli Twin Towers is thrilled because this means she gets her 1:1 date at last. Broke Back Michelle is murderous because she Hates A Group Date.

And yet here we go to Pure Trek Canyoning, where we are all going to rapel into a waterfall in Inadequate Clothing. Broke Back Michelle is tired of being wet and cold. We are unsympathetic, as she ought to have gotten the memo by now that it RAINS in Costa Rica. Fortunately, the trekking company has supplied them all except Dolly Pemily with jackets (undoubtedly because they do not make a childrens' size). This is All About Adventure, babies, and Facing Fears. Though stressed about the group date atmosphere, the Wombat is excited to "see if these women are adventurous."

Blah blah the women are skreetchity. Shawntel of the Dead goes first, followed awkwardly by Skipper Barbie and Dolly Pemily, and then Jackie, who is terrified of heights. "Jackie might have soiled herself," says Skipper Barbie from directly below. Though the Skipper might want to watch for falling rocks, we also note that this is what the waterfall is for. Meanwhile, Broke Back Michelle is shooting Daggers of Death at the Wombat for rapelling with other women.

Gentle readers, BBM has been BETRAYED. She and the Wombat had a Pact never to rapel again without the other. And the Wombat has Broken That Pact.
Sayeth ABe: "Where was this Pact formed?"
Sayeth PMu: "At Warsaw."
And Broke Back has done what any party to an allegedly broken Pact has done: she starts beating the crap out of the Wombat. Oh but look, the Wombat has NOT broken the Pact (everyone call off your missiles. . . . oops.). No, gentle readers, he is going to rapel WITH Broke Back down the waterfall, after the rest have gone by themselves. Broke Back is somewhat mollified by this interpretation of their Pact, but the Wombat is rattled. Jackie, down below, is cheesed that the Wombat didn't rapel with her, as SHE was the one that was scared.

Suddenly, it is the evening and the women are stripping down into bikinis to the tune of Spanish guitar and tree frog. PMu advises that this is Swimwear, to be followed shortly by Evening Wear. If that is the case, we fear that Skipper Barbie is failing this particular part of the competition, as she is Buttless. So, this viewer once danced with a girl who was Utterly Buttless, in a concave sort of way. As we ran behind her pretending to be Flowers or Snowflakes or Sweets, we would stare where buttage was supposed to be and wonder how she wore pants. If junk were to be in her trunk, she would still be a Smart Car, babies. True story.

But we digress. Basically, this date is not going well. The Wombat pulls Jackie away for 1:1 time, and she wastes it being ungraceful about how he didn't rapel with her. Meanwhile, BBM has gone ape once again: "I'm not trying to be a bitch, but all of these girls need to go home." Yes yes, we are sick of you saying this Broke Back. Thank god for Dolly Pemily, who is becoming *slightly* less tinkly as she admits that she is starting to really like the Wombat . . . but sabotages every relationship. Never fear, however, for the Wombat doesn't "want. to see you sabotage. this. Ah. Won't. LET. you. sabotage.this." Oh, Wombat, we lift our eyes to you.

As Broke Back Michelle and the Wombat settle into the water for their 1:1 time, we hear the screams of Alli Twin Towers back at the house. Apparently, she is scared of bugs -- bugs that make a crunch when squished, precisely. We really cannot criticize Alli, as we will eat a marshmallow, but not if it is too melted, abhor an emulsion, and think whipped topping the plague (yet not ice cream, provided it isn't too melted. see, supra, marshmallow). The devil is in the details, babies. Details which Chantally Lace is not observing, as she chases Alli Twin Towers around the house with a big beetle on a piece of paper, eliciting the screams heard by the Wombat and Broke Back Michelle.

We secretly wonder if ABC didn't blindfold the women, turn them around ten times, and then lead them to their own backyard for this group date.

Anyway, Broke Back, per usual, has used her 1:1 time on the group date to go ApeShit Extreme. She debates whether she has "a connection" with the Wombat: "But do we? DO WE????" And complains that Brad "just wanted to have a sexy date with Chantal in Costa Rica. Do you know how hard it is to see her in your shirt???" No. more. wire. hangers. EVER!!!! The Wombat, at last looking beleaguered, tells BBM that she needs to let his decisions be his decisions." But ABe and this viewer's applause falters when the Wombat's edict is immediately followed by kissing. Boo hiss.

At least the Wombat does not hand out a rose on this date. But Broke Back will not be deterred: "If he can't make a decision, I'm going ot take matters into my own hands." eek.

Off we go on our date with Alli. "Meet me at the altar," said her date card. Oh shit, someone is going to die.

But Alli doesn't care, as she has put her Twin Towers on display in yet another bikini/tank top situation. We are sure she is thankful that the Wombat shows up for this date with two horses and two ponies, undoubtedly to carry each of her Girls. As the Wombat and Alli saunter into a field, the Wombat announces that they are going into a "cave. that is actually. 4. Million. Years. Old." This must be where ABC found Broke Back Michelle. "And Elvis," says ABe.

Alli and the Wombat walk directly into. . . batshit. Which inspires her to Make Like the Natives. As spiders scrabble and bats fly all over, Alli screetches and for one exciting moment, we think she might throw up. But no, the Wombat promises that "I'll protect you," so of course she feels safe . . until they get to a natural stairway inside the cave, called the "Alter," and the Wombat sacrifices her during their "picnic." Ok, not really, but we don't see much of this awkward moment.

Instead, we jump to yet another awkward moment: dinner on a lillypad. The Wombat is saddened because Alli has "all the qualities he is looking for in a wife" (substantial chest, brunette) and yet they are "making small talk." And also, my babies, she is writing her own goodbye. Apparently, Alli ended her last relationship because she just couldn't see him at her wedding. He was such a nice guy that she tried to make it work, but it just Was Not Working, and she eventually had to acknowledge that the relationship had fizzled out. "I'm going to repeat what you just said," starts the Wombat . .. . and he dumps her. The Wombat says he will walk her out, but we can't figure out how because they are surrounded by water.

At any rate, Alli cries in the limo about the Wombat having "set the bar high" for her next relationship (wtf.), and the Wombat stumbles home, drunk and "emotional" for not having given out a rose for the first time ever. KMu and ABe think that this is a perfect time for Jamie Green, or his Puerto Rican twin brother, "Jaime Verde," and we all secretly wonder where he is with his comforting words about staying true to the Mission, not kissing people the Wombat Doesn't Feel Like Kissing, and so forth. But Mr. Rico, Verde never shows up. Instead, we get . . . . Broke Back Michelle knocking on the Wombat's door.

"Hola," says she.

Ok, this is our thing (all of us). We watched as Dolly Pemily had the skinny french braid down the side of her head during the group date. And we watched as Jackie and maybe even Shawntel of the Dead did it as well. But here is Michelle, with the french braid tucked under her weave and we are Sick. Of. It.
"Michelle is a hairstylist," says KMu. "And that makes it a crime against nature."
Yet in a hard edit, Michelle and french braid have suddenly flown from outside the door to inside, on the sofa, making out with the Wombat. As she comes up for air, she says, for the 11th time, that the Wombat would be "making a huge mistake to keep Chantal" and that he made Michelle mad by not giving her the rose on the group date. She rattles of the list of people the Wombat should kick off, in order: Skipper Barbie, Jackie, Shawntel of the Dead, Chantally Lace, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist, finally leaving Broke Back in the end. The Wombat is annoyed, as are we, and we are all glad when she leaves again. We will say one thing for BBM: she doesn't hover.

And the rose ceremony is upon us. Chantally Lace dressed herself up like a cheetah girl for this one, and Dolly Pemily decided to go back to her hippie stripper roots with some sort of paisley contraption on top of teetery heels. Yet is is Broke Back, who once again, has traumatized us all. Gentle readers, she is wearing a backpack. "You know, the kind that is a sack tied with a string on top," says KMu. And it is so true. She has tucked herself into said backpack so that only her head is popping out above the twine. Like a Gremlin.

In 1:1 time with the Wombat, he tells her that (like ourselves), she has "scared .him. badly." He feels that in her little visit the night before, they "took. ten. steps. back." and admonishes her again to trust his decisions. Yay, wombat!!! And now it is Broke Back's turn to be "scared" because she wants to "be married and have more children." There is wailing and gnashing of teeth. Yet when she returns to the other women, Broke Back says of her 1:1 time:
"It went good."
KMu: "With him and I."
ABe: "Him and I had a good conversation."
RAGE.

Blah blah, in additional 1:1 time with Shawntel of the Dead, they play the "Silent Game" which we all know the Wombat is going to win and that Shawntel just wants to use to kiss him -- which she does, badly. Chantally Lace then uses her 1:1 time to confess her undying love, to which the Wombat offers the Best Response Ever: "What makes you say that, if you don't mind."
Says PMu, "My daddy withheld love from me."

Meanwhile, the women have figured out the Broke Back snuck out to see the Bachelor the night before. She had initially lied about it, but then confesses it all: "That's why I came here. I'm not apologizing. I am keepin' it real." Oh, Broke Back.

And he picks (to join Chantally Lace, the only one with a rose so far):
1. The Dentist
2. Dolly Pemily
3. Skipper Barbie
4. Shawntel of the Dead, and
5. Broke Back.

WHAT? Jackie the artist goes home. She handles it relatively well, despite the obligatory "why doesn't anyone ever like me" speech. We all knew her days were numbered.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Wombat takes the remaining ladies to Anguilla, Chantally Lace lives up to her name in a crocheted bikini, and Broke Back Michelle takes up the discus with her earrings.

-KLo

Wombat Part 5: The Mission

Are. You. Ready. To. RUMMMBBBLLLEEE????? We sincerely hope so, as there are 11 women left and they are going to LAS VEGAS!!!! Chris Harrison, in a much more reasonable button-down than previously worn by him this season, starts Wombat part 5 with an announcement that "things are about to get serious." Because that is what happens in Vegas. And also, this a Very. Special. Episode because there are 3 dates: one 1:1 date, 1 group date, and . . . the dreaded 2:1 date, where one woman gets the axe halfway through. Yeeeeessss.

And this, babies, is the most animated we have ever seen the Wombat. He "Cant. TELL. you. how. much. he loves. this. city." He "wants. these. women. to feel. the ENERGY. of. the. city." So basically, he wants them to feel naked and slightly vomitous from all things "foot long."

Suddenly, we have arrived at REI. wtf, we are asking ourselves, and also "are they going climbing?" when the Wombat clarifies that he is actually at ARia, the Most Beautiful Hotel In The Entire World. hm. He is excited to spend a week in Vegas to try to figure out his relationships." Excellent idea, Bradley, as Vegas is the perfect place for building healthy relationships. And also, a WEEK? This viewer once spent five days in Vegas, the final day nursing her travel buddy back from the death of a poisonous sunburn four eight hours in the Cheesecake Factory. Never. Again.

So the Wombat drops the first date card off in the suite shared by the *ladies*, and Broke Back Michelle pounces on it. We do not understand her tank top, as it is exactly like the shredded muscle tanks "worn" by beefheads at the gym which may or may not have armholes cut down to the waist and a serious case of nipplegate peeping through the front. And also, it has a motorcycle on it, which we know she can't drive. And she reads: "Let's end tonight with a bang." Oooo, the card is for Shawntel of the Dead!!!
"No matter what happens tonight, it's going to end with a bang," concludes S of the D. Gentle readers, that is what one might call Not Playing Hard To Get.

So the Wombat is in a tizzy waiting for this date to begin. "VEGAS! I can't WAIT to be here!!" (Um, wombat, you ARE here). Fortunately, he does not need to wait to Bring Out the Dead, as Shawntel shows up . . . in microshorts and a sweatshirt. Babies, the Wombat is taking this woman to THE MALL for their date. And she is "overwhelmed" because she is from a "small town in Texas" and has never heard of some of the names on the stores. And (wait for it) . . . their date is a "shopping spree, in which she can buy anything she want."
Across the miles, we hear viewer KHuSco let out a strangled scream of excitement, as the Wombat concludes that this is "every woman's dream."

This may be the dream of KHuSco and Shawntel of the Dead, but it is Not. This. Woman's. Dream. This viewer recently spent an entire Saturday huddled in the corner of the outlet mall dressing room trying on Very Large Pants while feverishly whispering that the mirrors make objects look closer than they seem. To the floor in some cases, and to our knees in others. And while breathing is not to be underestimated, we are Deeply Scarred by the aging process and all Fat Pants associated therewith. So enjoy it, Shawntel of the Dead, because shopping won't be as fun as you head into your elastic waistband years.

But Shawntel of the Dead is in Bliss, and feels "all natural being in the mall holding his hand." We secretly wonder if Shawntel's mom is reading a book at the food court, passing time until she can chauffeur her home at 9. Shawntel tries on, alternatively, a bunch of garbage bags sewn together and a black skintight mini which we hate. "ooo, this is classy," concludes the Wombat. In the end, he sends SoftheD back to the hotel like a pack mule, carrying all of her various packages. The Nanny sighs that "it's the perfect pretty woman moment that every woman dreams about." Yes, Nanny, is that right after we dream of being a hooker?

But the date is Not Over! In round 2, the Wombat returns to pick up Shawntel of the Dead in her new dress. GAH, it is the one that we hate (all of us), as it looks like she pulled a sweatshirt over her head but left her arms in it. And also, it has a criss-cross back and straight front. It is an All Bras Left Behind dress. How fortunate for the Wombat that he has something to look at, as Shawntel of the Dead is looking forward to a romantic date, where she can "talk to him about being a funeral director and embalmer."

Babies, the goal is to make only one incision because otherwise there is LEAKAGE.

Naturally, Shawntel of the Dead gets the rose, and they end the evening being terrifyingly close to the falling debris of giant fireworks, as he awkwardly stands, holding her in his arms like she broke her leg.

Finally, Date Card #2 has arrived. "Let's go Speed Dating" it reads (aka, "hi, my name is Gina"). This card is for Jackie the Artist, Dolly Pemily, Lisa (who is this person?), Marissa (ditto), Alli Twin Towers, Chantally Lace, Skipper Barbie, and Broke Back Michelle.

Shocker, this date is at the Nascar Race Track, where the women are going to race cars. So once upon a time, this viewer went to a Nascar race, which was Completely Awesome. Except that the wristband person asked my friend GBe if he wanted a wristband for me in addition to his 11 year old child. And though we were well-preserved (as this was pre-lawschool and therefore before the Ravages of Time and all Fat Pants associated therewith), we have Mixed Feelings about qualifying for a childrens' wristband at the age of 26. But we digress.

This date is pretty much as expected. Dolly Pemily has a big crisis, in a quiet, vague sort of way, because this is the Race Track that ended Ricky's racing career (at age 19????) and made him go into management. Blah blah she ends up getting in the car and doing "the first few laps for Ricky, and the last lap for me" because she is ready to "move on," but we are unconvinced, particularly as she continues to wear his engagement ring (we think). And, at the obligatory end-of-group-date pool party, the other women are all crying about how they feel they have been voyeuristically watching a date between Dolly Pemily and the Wombat. Even Chantally Lace is a mess, admitting that she "loves him" for being all considerate and spending so much time with the Dolly, but crying to let him send her home if he isn't going to pick her in the end. FEH.

After Broke Back Michelle makes a play for the rose, leading the Wombat to conclude that they have a "true connection," he gives the rose to Dolly Pemily on this date.

At last, we are at the 2:1 date, with "the Ashleys" (Nanny and Dentist). "Come swing with the King" reads the date card. Oh lord, so now ABC is into the sex games. At least that is the Dentist's conclusion, as she trots out in a bondage dress of criss-crossy black. But oooooo, they are going to the Cirque du Soliel "Viva Elvis" show, where they will learn choreography!!! Poor Nanny, she is "fighting inner demons" and worried that she will ruin things between she and Brad. We secretly think it is more likely that her crazy high heels will ruin things, as they give her cankles, but whatever. Mercifully, both she and the Dentist change for their dance rehearsal, which ultimately ends in everyone swinging around in the air by harnesses, learning a dance to "Are you Lonesome Tonight." Foreshadowing??

Aaaaand, right before dinner, the Wombat "follows his heart" and picks . . . . THE DENTIST. wtf. The Nanny is going home without supper! We knew she was going to get voted off the island because of the cankle situation, as well as being terrible in the dance rehearsals. But, we still feel bad for her as the Wombat walks her through an incredibly long lobby that is suddenly filled with people as she is trying not to cry.. . which lasts until she is in the taxi going home, wailing in her itty bitty voice about how she doesn't have any fight in her and has never found anyone who wants her. Baby girl, you are 26 years old. Stop talking in the pitch of a four year old and you will stand a better chance.

The Wombat returns to embrace the Dentist, now "here with my girl, having a great time." We think they have fun eating dinner and then performing, but we really don't care anymore.

Then suddenly, Brad is wandering around with a phone in his hand, and we know that It. Is. Time. (you know what time it is)!! Time for another Therapy Moment with Jamie Green!!
"Remember the big picture, your focus is to find your wife. So your loyalty is not to any of the girls, it's TO THE MISSION." And also "If you don't allow these feelings for each woman to co-exist within you, you will shut down. There is tremendous strength in being vulnerable."

That's right, babies. Stay true to your mission to find a wife, and don't let girls get in the way. This message is brought to you by Jamie Green (tm).

Por Fin, it is the rose ceremony. Except MERCIFUL GOD, what is Chantally Lace wearing? It is like black mesh on top of a white bunny suit, with the remnants of a black bustier carved up and sewn randomly in the shape of a smiley face over her jubblies. We wonder if Zoro got to her first and she tried to patch the damage with toilet paper. Or perhaps Broke Back Michelle, all zebra-fied tonight and with the sharp talons.

We suffer through a few more 1:1s, including a warning to Chantally Lace to stop giving the Wombat "so much crap," the Wombat making Alli Twin Towers feel "special" for bringing her a chocolate cake with green trim ("Because you were wearing green the first time I met you, and I *cough*ABC*cough remember everything about you), and Marissa, whom we don't know, announcing that she is a big Note Giver, and giving him a series of notes to read at his leisure. Oh dear, Unknown Marissa, this will only End Badly.

Naturally, Broke Back Michelle whisks the Wombat away to another room where she sits on him and orders him not to talk. We hope he remembers his Safe Word. She says, "bitch, you need someone who can take care of you. Some of these girls don't even known what they have. I am different from all these other girls. Send them home." We must report that this is all said between creepy kisses which we may or may not have watched through our afghan.

And to join Shawntel of the Dead, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist with Roses this evening, he picks:
1. Broke Back Michelle
2. Alli Twin Towers (wtf?)
3. Skipper Barbie
4. Jackie the artist; and
5. Chantally Lace!!! YAY!!!

Marissa and the other unknown, Lisa, are going home. Lisa cries because she now "questions everything" and we think Marissa mostly feels like a moron for writing him notes. Marissa apparently did not have a family like this viewers, who repeatedly suggested that maybe it's not so good to put things in writing (see how well we learned).

Broke Back Michelle looks positively haggard in the Toast to Survivors following the ceremony. We hope she gets voted off in Costa Rica, where they apparently go next, or perhaps gets eaten by the Lion King when they visit him in East Africa.

-KLo