Rocky Part 7: Douchebag

When this viewer was young, we thought it was completely awesome to pull our pants waisteband up to our armpits and wander around the house annoying our mother, hunchbucket-style. Little did we know that we were Fashion Forward.

Shayne of the Llamas bursts into Episode 7 wearing a swimsuit coverup rolled down to below her jubblies, which she has covered with black tape and string. Fortunately, she is wearing a huge hat, so that the question "is that nipple?" will remain shrouded in shady mystery for time memorial. She is holding platform espadrilles, which is perfectly understandable. If I were to put my boobs on a black-skirted shelf wrapped in gaffe tape, I would certainly want that shelf to be a pedestal.

So here she is for Overnight Date #1 on the lovely island of Barbados, where Matt is feeling like the "luckiest guy" because these dates are "longer and more intimate." Hoping to inspire such intimacy, Matt shows the viewing audience his crack as this duo races around on waverunners. And then we see S-Llama's swimsuit. Omg. There is a slit. From B to shining B. And also, down to her bits and all toe associated therewith. Two little strings hold the pieces together across her chest/stomach/ladybits like little dividers marking off the kiddie pool and "deep end." And do you know what she does in this suit? Split jumps on a raft. ABC makes us watch from a suitable distance.

But then this is our issue (and yes, we have only one): the only thing worse than a smart woman pretending to be dumb is a genuinely dumb woman. "Do they have palm trees in London?" asks she. "'cause they do in California." Rocky later tells her that he thinks she knows the answers to these questions and is just playing dumb, and gee, he has a degree in politics and how would she feel about discussing them. And she says, "I can be po-li-ti-cal...wait, is that how you say that word?"

But that is a conversation that happens at dinner, to which she wears another dress channeling Mila Jovovich in the Fifth Element of Ace Bandagetude on top. So we learn that Shayne has been "blonde since age 12 or 13." We also learn how to screen kiss, in which your head goes one way, your shoulders go another, and then you wiggle your top lip (but no tongue). We decide to practice when we get home. And finally, we learn that she could be his "monkey." Ok, is that a "monkey" as in stuffed-pink-animal-wrapped-around-valentines-day-vase or "monkey" as in disease-and-antigen-carrying-beast-that-must-be-shot-down-in-the-backyard-by-a-dart-thrown-by-Dustin-Hoffman-and/or-Cuba-Gooding-Jr.-to-save-the-world-from-an-outbreak? Because we think it would be completely awesome.

Anyway, of course they decide to use the fantasy suite, where Shayne squeels over the rose petals on the floor, they confess their love to each other (well, he says "falling for," which is total crapweaselness, but whatever), and it all fades to black as they make out in the hot tub.

So Date #2 is the next day with Amanda. He greets her by yelling "lookin' hot" -- from which we cut to Amanda pouring out her love to the camera about how he could be the One for her. And therein lies the difference between us and Amanda: if some dude screamed that we were "lookIN" hot in our madras shorts and tank top from 200 feet away, we would think him more like a driveby ogler ("hey mamee.") than The One. But whatever.

Both Amanda and Rocky are afraid of heights, so they decide to zipline together. This is really unexciting as the zip line is not fast at all and he keeps calling her "honey," which is also what he called Shayne and will later call Chelsea. So we will skip this part for dinner, where Amanda admits that she has a problem expressing emotions but that she really likes him and feels like he is the one for her. She says "like" about 20 times, but we are not going to mock her because she is trying and we do not mock trying. Except we HAVE to say something about this little monologue:

"I was nervous that he wouldn't give it to me. So I was really excited that he pulled it out and offered it."

Did YOU think she was talking about the Fantasy Suite card??? This date fades into crashing waves as he "cradles her," (in the words of KMu) on the porch and her dress is completely up to her bits.

Date #3 with Chelsea begins with the sun rising over ... guns on the beach. This is not a good sign. Chelsea and Matt are going to take a catamaran out on the ocean, except that there is completely no chemistry between them and she doesn't even hug him hello. They have awkward conversation about the size of the island. He tries to hold her hand and she's like, "eeeeewwwww, our fingers crossed." (I am not making this up). Chirp.

chirp.

So they go swimming with the sea turtles. To the tune of "can you feel the love tonight," we see Matt. ......... The turtle. Matt ... The Turtle. Matt holding the turtle's shell and swimming together. He says, "I had more eye contact with the turtle through goggles and a mask than I had with Chelsea all day." We wonder if it is possible for Matt to give the turtle the Fantasy Suite card. By the end of the day (again, sunset over guns on the beach), Chelsea and Matt are not even talking to each other as they ride back into shore.

By this point, Matt doesn't even want to go to dinner. If she doesn't feel it, says he, then she should just tell him and it would be fine. He just doesn't want the act. So OF COURSE she tells him no no on I'm just having a hard time because there are all these other women and I haven't been myself but I will try. And OF COURSE this makes him "so happy" because its "what he's been waiting to hear" and blah blah they go to the fantasy suite. In which she says, "I have a surprise for you."

"I have a surprise for you" never really means a surprise on the Bachelor. A surprise is "hey, I used to date Eliot Spitzer." Or "hey, I am a dude." But on the Bachelor, it only means one thing: "I am going to objectify myself is some really predictable way that will also involve some sort of crochet."

Exhibit A: Chelsea slips into another room, where she
1) drops trou
2) as ABC does a slow pan up her backside, stopping at the white knickers that say "pretty" in little sequins
3) puts on a black crochet floor-length dress of some sort
4) through which we can see both skin and knickers
5) and then removes said knickers and tosses them on the bed.

OMG, she is now pantsless, crocheted, and banking on her omnipresent tan to prevent all of us from seeing every single inch of secret lady flesh or at least recognizing it if we do. And then she puts her feet up on the sofa in front of him. We do not even know what to say.

But Matt does: "This was an awesome date. Now it's going to be a difficult decision tomorrow."

And so we have the rose ceremony, to which Matt wears flip flops and picks:
1. Shayne
2. Chelsea.

And suddenly, we know how this is going to end. If he picks Chelsea, it is going to be like that dude that picked Helene and is still single because they never clicked but he just thought she was pretty. And if he picks Shayne (which he will because they look like each other), he will date her for a few months and slowly realize that yes, she really is that stupid. He will then dump her and be single, pining after Amanda as the Only Decent One That He Let Go.

Except Amanda will not have him back, because she called him a douchebag on national television when he walked her out to the car. hahahahhahaa, Amanda, we salute you.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All.

KLo

Rocky Part 6: We are Now Scared Of Amanda

Here we are at episode 6, in which the women take Rocky home, and we do not even know what to say. Has the Bachelor Lost Its Magic? Or are we still stunned from Robin and Barney kissing in How I Met Your Mother? There is certainly something strange in the water.

Fortunately, Shayne of the Llama saves us with a home visit to LA. Surprise surprise, the Llamas' parents are divorced, so we must meet dad and then mom. Meeting #1 (with dad) is at a random empty restaurant in which Shayne demands Matt have some cheese and hear a "story" about her only taking one man home to meet her parents, and then practices how to say her last name (Llaaama? Lamaze? Llahmazzzzz). And then we see him: THE head Lllama. Lorenzo.


LoLla, in a black turtleneck, black jeans, and black belt, is certainly an Actor who knows it. And he totally throws Shayne under the bus: "My daughter is important to me, and so are her feelings. She is a daredevil and wants to be on television. She wants to be a good actress, but she wants to be a star more, and thought that being on television would make her a star." S-llama gets all pissed and says back off dad, I am here for the boy. And LoLla says good, he was just "checking" (i.e. let me bait you and embarrass you on television and then say "you're my big girl" in a creepy freshman 15 kinda way.) Matt confesses to LoLla that the connection between Shayne and him just "works." There are tears between the Llamas and hugs and Shayne says she could not have imagined it going so "beautifully."

So let's recap: Girl brings boy home. Dad says she's in it for the wrong reasons. Girl says "you don't KNOW me, dad." Dramatic montage of her sitting and glaring as Dad does same. Boy reassures Dad that his intentions are sincere. Dad and daughter reconcile. Everyone lives happily ever after.

Thank God for the Llamas: now I don't have to watch that Lifetime Original Movie " I Dated an Actor and It Was All Drama."


But then it is time to go to Mom's house. ..... okay, this is really hard to say because we actually like Shayne's mom Michelle more than probably any of the other parents on this show, but you know Janice on the Muppet Show? Holy collagen, batman. She's planted collagen in AT LEAST the front 40 acres. Her tank top is straining. Her lips are like a swollen circle outlined in dark pink by someone with a tremor. She lives in a house Shayne bought for her and that is entirely covered in leopard print, has two snow-white purse dogs (one wearing a tutu and the other shaved like a lion), and has a pillow that says "So many men, so few who can afford me." Matt says he "digs" this place, and it's all coming together....the love for George Michael, the penchant for leopard print. Oh, and we also meet Shayne's sister Dakota, who looks about 15 years old and is a total pretend hippie (she is wearing a leather headband, which we *know* is uncomfortable from our own former pretend hippie days).


But this is the thing: these people are completely awesome. Michelle makes roast beef and yorkshire pudding, shows him this pretty amazing video of Shayne doing a tap dance/tumbling routine as a kid, and talks about how proud she is of Shayne. Dakota asks Shayne if she is in love in that really sweet way that only a 15-year-old pretend hippie can do, and well, we just LIKE these people. We are sort of sad to see it end, as is Matt. He admits that he "had Shayne all wrong" and that he is falling for her really hard. We still think he has the wrong temperament to continue dating an actress, but I guess he'll figure that out in his 15 minutes of fame after this show.


But then we are off to Date #2 in Durango Colorado with Chelsea. Thank god he is wearing a leather jacket *with* a proper collar this time. Chelsea is all nervous about bringing a man home "with whom I "could" fall in love with (reminiscent to Shayne's response to Dakota: "I don't love him yet, but could.") and we are distracted because she has a ginormous bits slit in her top. And once again, the coy mystery that once was the "keyhole top" has become "someone kicked a hole in the door."


Anyway, we meet mom Addie and dad Carrie. Dad asks some good questions over dinner about whether Matt is there for the 25 women or there for the 1, and Matt reassures Dad that he wants to settle down. Dad then pulls Chelsea aside and asks how she *really* feels and she's like, "Well, I didn't want to like him but now I do," and dad is like, "well have you told him?" And, typical Chelsea (I hate holding hands/shows of affection) is like, "uh, not really. I guess I need to do a better job of that." Meanwhile, Matt is confessing to mom that he didn't know if Chelsea like him precisely because she's so reserved with her affections. So all this leads to a big make-out session by the minivan before Matt gets hauled away at the end of the date, and that's all we see.

In general, we conclude that 1) ABC totally skimped on this date, and 2) Chelsea is the wrong person for Matt because her unwillingness to PDA is going to frustrate him (as a PDA fan). Call me Oracle, for I speak the truth (but do not chain smoke or bend spoons).

Date #3 is also in Colorado, with Noelle in Loveland. How this London Bachelor ended up with two chicks from Colordo is kind of funny. We, too, recognize the longing to have 2.5 dogs, healthy hair, and wear North Face all the time, but alas, it is not to be. And this is apparently not that part of Colorado, as Matt drives up in the back of a truck with hay bales to meet Noelle in a midriff-bearing sweater. Okay, so we like Noelle. But the midriff-bearing sweaters must go. One wrong wash and that sucker is a turtleneck dickie.

Matt is also the second guy to meet Noelle's family, as he was with both Chelsea and Shayne. We wonder if the first guy was Andy Baldwin, international man of mystery, or perhaps Alex Michelle, the Bachelor who slept with all of Season One. But we do not have our questions answered, as we meet dad Larry, mom Theresa, and sisters Alyssa and Rachel. Once again, we really like this family because they are just so normal. And also because one of the sisters has a nose ring.

This date is sort of like a slow and subtle crash and burn. Matt's horse stops carrying him as he saunters up to meet the family. Dad has him play horseshoes and then asks what sort of person would do a show like this. At dinner, Matt informs mom "I'm flexible. I can get my legs over my head as well." And Noelle is sitting on his lap in a log pile (literally) and kissing him while they are riding horses side by side, and we all know that these things are REALLY uncomfortable and that she must not feel very much like herself to be doing them and so she should just stop. And then the sisters pull Matt aside and ask if he is falling in love with people, if it's more than one, and if Noelle is one of those people....and Rocky sort of hesitates. I mean, nothing freakity happens on this date and these people are nice, but no. Just no. As Rocky drives off, Noelle says she hopes it's not too late for them, and we secretly hope it is because they just don't click like that.

And then we are onto Date #4 in Tallahassee Florida with Amanda. And OMG, she has hired actors to play her parents because how funny would it be to completely prank him and make him look like an ass as Amanda's fake mom comes on to him like Mrs. Robinson. "I think this shows Matt that I have a good sense of humor." Yes, Amanda, so ha ha I hope you don't take it the wrong way when I call up your boss and tell her you quit because you stole a bunch of property and are in jail ha ha aha because it's all in good fun and I'm sure you can get your job back ha ahahaha. We watch this portion of Part 6 through our fingers, we am so mortified.

Predictably, fake mom laughs freakishly and inappropriately:
Matt: "I am the youngest of five boys"
Fake mom: "MWahahahahahahaha"
Fake dad wants to know if they have been "intimate physically." Fake Mom unbuttons her sweater and shoves her thinly-veiled-by-sundress jubblies into Matt's lap, rubs his chest ("that's my nipple," says Matt), tries to kiss him, and asks if he is a "good boy."

We want to DIE. Finally, FINALLY Amanda puts an end to this, has him meet her real parents, and then drags him upstairs to chat in a bedroom curiously lit by candles, and we are done. Matt says he is impressed by what Amanda did and that she really got him good and that he doesn't care if it was at his expense because it was a great prank. But we actually think he's a little pissed. And we are just scared. Move over Marshana, 'cause Amanda is in town.

And finally it is Short Dress day for the Rose Ceremony, and why on earth is Shayne standing so awkwardly posed with a hand on her hip. He picks:

1. Shayne (who is wearing a "Toy" brand watch, just like KMu's sister Princess Sparkle -- KMu informs me--only in white instead of pink like PS. We thought it was a real toy because we know nothing about fashion.).
2. Amanda, and......
3. Chelsea.

Noooooo Noelle goes home. He drags her out to the bench and says she is incredible but that this whole scenario of meeting people is probably not the best for her. And we have to agree and thank him for sending her home. But we still feel bad as she says in the limo that this is not the first time she's been in this position and that putting up walls is a real problem for her.

Stay tuned for next week, when Matt "is falling in love with three women at the same time."

"Maybe he should move to San Angelo," says PMu.

And with that thought, we leave you.

KLo

Rocky Part 5: Bon Soir, Bitch.

In the words of Ms. Shields, the only thing between me and my Bachelor is.... a 185 page project that was due yesterday. But we are back, babies, and in time to learn that the Choice Ladies are going to Sun Valley with Matt!!! As we do not skii except on the bunny slope in 4th grade without poles and rockin' our favorite red-and-white terry cloth twisty hair band (we *might* have a picture of this tragedy), we were interested to learn that Sun Valley is in fact cold. And in Idaho.

Ok, so this is the group date for Shayne, Chelsea, Noelle, Marshana, Robin, and Amanda, with two 1:1 dates during it. We are back to disliking Shayne, who is excited because "I skii really well, surprisingly. I am glad to I can show him my skills. I snowboard really well." While S-Llama may get an A in self-promotion, Noelle has her beat in the mad-knitting skills. ERo, if you are out there, you know I heart the knitting you do for me. But if you EVER make me hot pink glittery knee high socks/slippers, I will totally wear them every day.

So Matt is waiting for the ladies and of course playfully has an "impromptu" snowball fight. He carries Noelle into a snowbank with her backside flapping in the breeze like she is parasailing and then picks Marshana up by the ladybits to throw her in too. She does not want to get her fur-trimmed outfit all messy, and now we REALLY know we are in trouble (in case we missed the memo about strange men grabbing us by the bits to throw us in the snow). He drops them off to "freshen up" in their room, and Robin starts boiling water for a bunny as she talks about how she NEEDS 1:1 time with him but is not admitting it to herself (just the viewership).

Matt comes back to pick up Chelsea for their private date, which involves a sleigh ride. Dear readers, at this point we must hang our heads in a moment of silence for the Mu family, whose own sleigh-ride experience a year ago involved the following: 1) a crazy man in overalls and a santa hat, 2) on a dude ranch in the middle of Wisconsin (horses, donkeys, potbellied pigs) 3) in a sleigh built himself, 4) pulled by horses in bows so old they had to rest every few minutes, 5) as he told stories about (in the words of KMu) "the 'Indians' who lived 'and killed the whites' and how he found the skeleton of a three year old boy who had drowned in the 'crick' (translation: creek) in his property last year. "

This is where people go to die.

But not, fortunately, where Matt takes Chelsea. However she may not be lasting very long, as she spends the entire sleigh ride telling him how much she hates PDA. She doesn't like handholding ("no sudden movements, buddy."), but can handle linking arms. He becomes a bit concerned because he's an affectionate person (is THAT why he's been snogging every single chick within five minutes of the last?), but she saves the day at dinner when she WRITES HER OWN FANTASY DATE CARD and does the whole speech. He hopes they can "turn a corner" and find romance. We think there is dim hope for that one, as she covers his entire mouth in a kiss. We are very scared and hope that he does not sprout an alien baby by episode 6, though we suppose he deserves it for telling her he hates her sense of humor. He was kidding "of course," but we think that mean sarcasm has no place outside of Ever (and this blog) and so he can sod off.

Back at the ranch (ha ha it really is one), Marshana is all pumped because Noelle got the next one-on-one date. We think it is more likely than not that she is happy Robin didn't get it. We soon understand why, as he takes the women (sans Noelle and Chelsea) skiing. And then he says it: the words that cement his position in Big Dumb Bachelor Boobdom for ever and ever, amen. "Not only was I dating four women, but two were virgins.....on the snow." That is it, we Do Not Like Him. And frankly, he deserves Robin, as she decides that a group date is a "really important opportunity to figure out why I didn't get some 1:1 time." We are a little scared.

Matt is, of course, oblivious because he is teaching Amanda how to skii by telling her to "stick your sexy ass out." Matt, I think Juvenile really said it best: "You're a fine mo'fo' once you back that ass up, back that ass up, back that ass up...." And our faith in Amanda developes a hairline crack, as she says Matt's patience with her shows that he will be "such a good dad" after that little episode.

The lesson with Marshana (the other apparent "snow virgin") does not go as well. Marsh is naturally "in pain" because of her boots and wipes out about 10 times. We actually don't see much of this except during the credits, when she can't get on the skii lift because her skiis won't go forward in the slippery snow. As that happens to us every time we skii cross-country, we do not throw snowballs.

So then we have Shayne, who is a "snow monkey" whooshing down the slopes beside Rocky on her snowboard. We notice that she is the only girl wearing her own snow gear, and not the North Face jacket provided by ABC. We soon understand why, when she wipes out so that she can get Matt to sit down beside her in the snow....and then PULLS OUT A HUGE BLUSH BRUSH, EYELINER, COMPACT, AND LIPSTICK because "you have to look fabulous even in the snow." Wait wait, we need a ruling from the Panel. We believe S-Llama has just pulled a snowbunny out of her ass.

But then.... na Na na NA naNanaNanaNanaNa.....Robin swoops in on her Snowboard of Fire and interrupts Matt locking lips with the Llama and pushes Shayne away so that Robin can confront Matt about why she didn't get 1:1 time after having a really awkward conversation about how each of them are "checking each other out." He tells her he didn't need one because he already had a good sense of her (run, Forest, run), and then they kiss. This viewer has seen plenty of mack-happy Bachelors in her day, but kissing girl B 5 seconds after macking girl A is just plain gross.

But apparently he needs to get in a hot tub with these women. The only point of this worth noting is that Shayne is basically not wearing a bathing suit and ABC is covering her bits with black boxes on the screen. Oh wait, that's her suit.

So finally, we have our last 1:1 date with Noelle. She has some serious Boots Made for Walking, but just not on ice because the six inch stilletto cannot handle it. We also would like to note for the record that in a pinch, her earrings could double as Throwing Stars. But this is our thing: we LIKE Noelle, or "Neo" as we shall call her because she is (is she?) The One. Just because she is normal, stilletos and throwing stars aside. They ice skate (badly) and talk about how life is short and you have to be grateful for what you have. Followed by fondue with strawberries. Seasoned viewers know how I feel about chocolate covered strawberries and their grossness, so we will focus on the conversation. It is ickily eet, (Neo: "I can't pull you." Matt: "But you can hold me." Neo: "I knew you would be trouble." Matt: "you are trouble too.") GOOD GRIEF, just put a dart in me now. We still like her, though.

But gentle readers, tonight it is a full moon. We know this because Marshana has gone batshit. And also because ABC showed us that it is a full moon. The women back at the ranch are having a discussion about taking Matt home next episode, and Marshana is all "I have risen to every occassion. I've seen how he lives, now I want him to see how I do." And every cooperative, Robin is like, "no you haven't. You' haven't been to england. This isn't real." And Marsh is like, "Do not be condescending. I WILL NOT HAVE IT." Then Chelsea jumps it, "Marsh, you have had a negative attitude most of the time." Marsh: "YOU WILL NOT MISQUOTE ME. I WILL NOT HAVE IT. I. WILL. NOT. HAVE. IT.' And fingers are flying and pointing and shaking and people are yelling and S-Llama busts it up as Chelsea keeps a banister between Marsh and herself. But you know, in the end it has given us the absolute best speech of the season:

Marsh; "It was a big shock to her the women call me negative. I am a great person. I am nice. I am friendly. I am thoughtful. I am SO giving. I am SO charitable. I am a great person and no one can tell me otherwise."

damn.

Apparently, everyone made it out alive, because suddenly we are at the rose ceremony. Marsh is magnanamously talking about how it is hard to get along with other girls without getting in fights and Robin is all, "but we did fight, dude. All our goals are the same: send these girls home one by one." We are torn between giving Robin a high five for honesty and locking our door.

Of course Marshana tells Matt what happened because she "feels its important for him to hear it from me." It goes something like this: "For some reason, the girls starting questioning my intentions for being here...." It had nooooothing to do with her nearly busting a cap in Chelsea at Sun Valley, nooooo. So she goes on like this for awhile, and then Chelsea comes to talk to Matt....and Marshana won't leave. We later learn that Marsh is all pissed that Chelsea stole Matt away, but Chelsea has a good point: if Marshana hadn't have spent the first 10 minutes bitching, she would have had the time to tell Matt what Marsh wanted him to know about her. Chelsea, we think Marsh pretty much did just that.

Anyway, so Matt is concerned about Chelsea's ability to be romantic. Robin is antagonizing Marshana ("wow, your logic is impenetrable.") and making friends ("I want Matt to kiss me goodnight. And I always get what I want.") and Shayne is like, "can't we all just get along?" But then she loses huge points by telling Matt that she can't wait for him to meet her family so that they all can tell him how fabulous she is.

And then it is the moment of truth. Sidebar: omg, how on earth does Marshana walk in that dress of sequined stroubly cut pieces. And omg, where do we get white patent leather shoes like S-Llamas?

And he picks:
1. S-Llama "you chose me first this time!"
2. Neo (marsh starts to wilt)
3. Chelsea (marsh wilts even more, bottom lip starts to tremble)
4. Amanda! (who's "take that, bitch" look at Robin is just awesome).

Robin gives him a look of death, probably with her earlier comment "I am 95% sure I am getting a rose" ringing in her ears. She says "bon soir" to Matt and them immediately leaves. Marshana magestically concludes that there is nothing left for her to do but go home 100% the lady she arrived being.....and then trips on the stairs (told you that dress was crazy).

Our only remaining question is where S-Llama is hiding her blush brush now (go look at the pictures on ABC and you will see what we mean).

Stay tuned for next week, when Matt takes the remaining women home to meet their families.

klo

Rocky Part 4: OMGwesortoflikeShayneoftheLlamas

Ok, so apparently we might be a *teensy* bit jet-lagged from Mexico, rendering us incapable of blogging immediately after a show even as we carry our thoughts around with us for days on end as they slowly fall out of our heads. But we are back, and sadly, it is to watch a date about tennis. We sucked so badly at tennis as a child that we were Held Back and were the tallest Mighty Might tennis player for three years.

Anyway, Ashlee is apparently good at tennis, but we really don't notice because she is wearing black sneakers and black socks up to her knees. She is making all of the other women annoyed on this group date (Kelly, Shayne, Robin, Chelsea, and Noelle). Suddenly, we like Shayne. She may be sort of shallow, but she is brutally honest: "Ashee has many talents. And I have heard all of them." Personally, we do not like Ashlee's laugh, which might sound like chickens clucking.

SO then we have the obligatory "I am going to play tennis...but in a sexy way" montage of mystery chick folding her tennis skirt up 3 times because it is too big, and Kelly doing like, three stripper moves in a row. Check it: When she first learns ofthe date, we get a hip shimmy to the side. While playing tennis, *BAM* the sideways butt shimmy. After a particularly good play, *POW* we have the lick-the-pole-nee-tennis-racket-while-flashing-panties move. The funny thing is that the only one Matt really comments on is Chelsea, who is rockin' it old school in my dad's huge head sweatband. We kinda like Chelsea.

Ok, so this date is supposed to be tennis followed by high tea at a private estate. Of course, nobody knew what high tea is, so Robin explains ito the group and then informs the world that "these are the things that are really important to Matt" because they are so English. If that is true, we are in trouble.

So here we are at high tea, and Chelsea and Shayne challenge each other to a gymnast-off. This is sort of lame and obviously with Matt as the "judge," but suddenly Shayne is standing on her hands for 5 minutes and doing backhandspring-backhandspring-back tuck-round-off shizz, and oh by the way, she used to be a gymnist. After we have sufficiently recovered from our shock that this seemingly indolent child is actually super-athletic, we admit we kinda like her even more. What is the Llamas doing to us?????? We are under her spell.

Too bad Ashlee of the chicken giggle must go off in the woods with Matt, wearing a fur trimmed coat over her skimpy tennis outfit because it is COLD and they were DRESSED IMPROPERLY to begin with. She is all happy to walk with him because she "doesn't like slopppy seconds." But then when he comments that she seems to be taking the competition "in stride," he has to explain what that means to her. And then we get yet ANOTHER freaking song. Okay everyone, pinch your throat between your forefinger and thumb and wiggle it madly to achieve sufficient vibrato as we sing together:
I fe-e-e-e-e-e-l
It could be re-e-e-e-e-ea-a-a-a-l
I'm sc-a-a-a-a-a-red
to let myself go The-e-e-e-e-e-re
I f-e-e-e-e-e-ar
that I'll fall so h-a-a-a-a---a-ard
and you'll just break my he-e-e-e-e-e-e-art.

She wrote this song especially for him. We have suffered not once, but twice through it (previously on a rose ceremony). And so we wrote this special song for Matt:

I feel.
Ashlee is a heel.
I'm scared.
If you let yourself go there.
You'll fall for a tard.
And you'll just suffer a boring existence with a thin-lipped girl that giggles like a chicken.

Ok it doesn't all rhyme but the sentiment is there. And it is only more enforced when Ashlee sings to the camera: "I want the rose so-o-o-o-o bad *cluckcluckcluck*"

Anyway, now we are on to the "Tea" part of the date and Robin feels the need to educate the world on her education about tea. "My parents drink tea every morning with cream and milk. My parents love tea. They sought all over the world to find the perfect tea maker. It's huge like a coffee pot, and brews tea fresh." The other women are shooting her daggers and Shayne does a great impression of her, but Robin is oblivious as she steals Matt away and then confesses her "feelings" for him and that it was hard to make said confession. He of course loves this and the Britishness in her. We still do not like her because she is a little too intense (and that is coming from us, dear readers), but whatever. At least she's not a boob like Kelly, who says "I could. care. less." about the tea commentary. Yes dear, that means you care more.

We like Shayne a little more by explaining to Robin when she gets back that dude, it isn't cool to be stealing the Bachelor away all the time when there are girls here that have not had 1:1 time with him. Point 4 for Shayne: she recognizes fairness. Robin starts to cry, and Shayne is like "what on earth are you crying for, it's not worth that. Just stop it." Point 10,0000 for Shayne. We actually heart Shayne.

In the end, Chelsea gets the safety rose on this date. Ashlee is all mad ("Does what WE had mean nothing?"), which is kind of awesome. We like Chelsea because she genuinely wasn't expecting the rose and was nice about it.

So as this all has been happening, the next date box arrives at Ranch LadyB's. Oooo, it's a 1:1 date with Amanda (who we like) with the note "our future together begins with a blast from the past." Marshana suddenly goes all dramatic about how she "might as well go pack because I'm just a nasty underdog," having realized that she is going on the remaining 2:1 date with Holly (who just got back from a private date with Matt). According to viewer KMu: "Too bad she's not on the group date, because she'd bust a cap in Robin's ass." We admit that she is getting increasingly hard core as the episodes go on.

Amanda is getting ready, and she has the meeps, hiccuping like crazy. Unfortunately, the following sentence comes out of her mouth: "I think Matt thinks I'm cute and sweet, so I decided to be the hot bad girl." Fortunately, we have Kelly to confirm that she looks "like a raging slut." You know, when I want to look saucy, I find it's always helpful to have someone confirm that I now look like a ho, fo sho.

Matt shoes up wearing possibly the ugliest black leather jacket ever. It has a poet collar with a little snap. But I think he knows this, and we like him a little more for it. He takes her to a 50's diner, which is apparently like "gold" for a Brit, and he confesses that he has a geek side. "Yeah," says Amanda, "I picked up on that right away." LOL, we heart Amanda. She also tells him that he is the worst dancer ever, as she attempts to teach him how to swing dance. He gives her the rose for that one, and we are starting to like Matt even more. Curiously, we don't see much more of this date - they go to some pier that has been shut down for them and ride all the rides, but that is all we see. We decide that Amanda probably makes it to the end of this show.

More interestingly, Marshana and Holly have now received their date box for the remaining 2:1 date. "Only 1 rose, 1 stays, 1 goes." Ever socially smooth, Robin tells both women: 'Every man for himself. I want you both to go." (see, e.g., bust a cap supra). Marshana is bawling to the camera, saying "please please please pick me pick me. See how beautiful I am. See how fabulous. See how smart. I was ok until that date box came but I cannot handle the pressure now. I would hate to say goodby becuase we could have something great but need more time." etc etc etc. We want to shake her.

But instead, off we go to the final date. This theme was cooking, but we never really see anything related to a kitchen other than Marshana wearing a huge chef hat at a jaunty angle and the three of them eating dinner together. Matt is trying to figure out who "outshines" the other on this date and asks them both about whether they could move to the UK. Of course, they are both like, "as long as I am with you, I could go anywhere." We realize these women are not old enough to have careers.

Matt pulls Marshana away for a 1:1 and tells her, "as the british say, you are a good sport." In other words, "I think of you as a sister." But she is responsible for one of the only intelligent things uttered thus far in Season Rocky: "My parents told me I'd be ready to fall in love when I understood the risks and benefits of a long-term relationship." Props to Marshana's parents, and props to Marshana for her save of this date.

I can't say so much for Holly, who comes up with nothing to say when he confesses that has a "boring side" because he likes to know what is going on in the middle east and also enjoys figuring out hard questions. Her "boring side" is curling up and watching movies. In the words of my White Knights Soundtrack: "We'll just keep living....separate lives."

Unsurprisingly, he bestows the rose on Marshana and Holly goes home that night. In retrospect, we can see it although we don't think Marshana and he really particularly sizzle either. But according to him, he only had physical attraction for Holly and the rest was not there. She drives off in a "state of shock," which also includes a hot pink tube top with a black glittery clasp thing. When Holly's bags disappear at the mansion, Shayne hangs her head. KMu wonders if she is upset because she lost a friend or the spraytanner.

And now we are at the Rose Ceremony and Matt Means Business. We realize he might be serious about this finding a wife on television thing (and then genuinely feel bad for his shallow pool of options) when he systematically pulls every woman aside for 1:1 time and grills them to determine who should go home. Kelly is already drunk, cross-eyed, and talking to her nose.

So the first bit is with Ashlee, who should be off his list for no other reason than that she wore a prom-like gartar with her dress. He tells her that they have a great connection when she pulls out the guitar, but they can't just have music. He asks what would happen if she comes to the UK and the music thing doesn't work out....and witness the Crash and Burn. Ashlee says, "well, it could work. You could travel with me, or I could with you...." Dude, he is a BANKER not a gypsy.

We like Noelle's 1:1 better, although we hate her red lipstick and also are disappointed that ABC does not show much of her conversation with Matt. We wish she would stop wearing makeup because she looks so much better without, but that could be our own bias (or lazyiness or belief that we look like a dragqueen with paint on our faces).

But really what we care about is Kelly, who accosts Matt with "thank you for fitting me in" when he comes to retrieve her. He tells her she seems more interested in the group than in him....she she COMPLETELY UNDOES THE TOP OF HER DRESS and then informs him that she has large boobs. We now know that the Art of Seduction and Intrigue has been reduced to flashing two ginormous jiggly jello molds in silver buckets and declaring that "hot." To Matt's credit, he's completely offended. She promptly falls on the table.

So then we have Shayne. We have to take some of her 10,000 points away because she starts talking in a breathy baby voice to Matt that is probably 15 times higher than her regular voice. Although we give a few points back when she says, "of course I want to be here. Why the hell else would I share a guy with 7 other chicks." We also like her black heels.

I guess we never see the other 1:1 moments with Robin, etc., which is probably a good thing because I am not kidding when I say she is Betty Rubble in her dress-held-up-by-giant-rocks.

And then he picks (to join Amanda, Chelsea, and Marshana):
1. Shayne of the Llamas
2. Robin
3. OMG he wrote it on his hand.....Noelle.

Kelly and Ashlee get the axe (thank god in heaven). According to Kelly, "Bye. I'd be into me. Any dude would want to date me. Maybe he just couldn't handle me." as her dress slowly opens again. We do not understand why, every time she gets drunk, she starts talking about if she were a dude. Meanwhile, Ashlee "can't believe" she's being sent home because he "didn't give her a chance" and she had written a song for him and everything and that is "way more perfect" than words.

And we get a reprise, for the third damn time:
I fee-e-e-e-e-ar
I'll f-a-a-a-a--allll
So haa-a-a-a--a-ard
You'll break my he-e-e-e-e-art.

We are confident that Ashlee will achieve the recording contract that she was attempting to get by appearing on this show and soon make a successful single out of her crap song to Matt.

Stay tuned for next week, when Chelsea and Marshana have a HUGE blow up like two Jersey girls ready to cut each other like my neighbor Dennis.

K

Rocky Part 3: Ho Shos

We are terrified by the state of American Womankind as we belatedly watch Episode 3 (after returning from a glorious week in Mexico reading, sleeping, and doing water aerobics with the elderly. Yes it's true, I totally Rock). Chris Harrison starts us off describing the rose game this time around: two 1:1 dates and one group date, with a rose up for grabs for each date. But all we hear is 'blah blah blah" because good god, someone must tell that girl in the front row that a white tube top and no bra is Not An Option.

But then Shayne of the Llama has robbed our attention from the Nipples of Death, as she has just placed on her head a fishing cap with a red lure/feather/bird on the side. If this is high fashion, we may just finally be chic. At any rate, she would "just die" if she doesn't get a rose.

So date box #1 arrives, and it is a recepticle for hazardous waste. Oh wait, apparently it is a box for film, as Holly the childrens' book author gets this first private date with Matt to see the movie premier of Maid of Honor.

This is where ABC has us completely fooled. Holly gets all dressed up in her zebra print dress with a boob slit (we hate the boob slit, as it supplies no more than visual confirmation of How Far They Have Fallen), and Matt is all dressed in a tie, and they show up at the red carpet and there are all these paparazzi and they put their hands in cement as lightbulbs flash and write "Matt + Holly" and "Holly hearts Matt 4 ever" next to their handprints, and they TAKE INTERVIEWS with people with microphones....and then walk into the theater for a private showing of the movie.

Ok, that is the Lamest Stunt Ever. I would feel like a complete moron if I knew that ABC put all those paparazzi and microphones and items of big-starness on a carpet just for me because I was some yokel that would be all stunned by the romanticism of it all. Lame lame lame. Which is why we are not on the Bachelor, and even if we were, we would be cut in the first round as the oldish (but well preserved) lawyer that does something horrifying like show baby bathtub pictures to the Target.

But we digress.

Holly and Matt watch the premier of the movie, which we might like as it is a Romance. And we agree with Holly that we might also be inclined to weep through a Romance as does she, because really it is so much more moving than those Kodak commercials that always start us off. Anyway, it scores her a lean on his shoulder. Well-played, Holly.

So off we go to the penthouse suite (floor to ceiling mirrors, ew.) for a very awkward private dinner side by side on the sofa after drinks on the patio in a whicker papason chair. She tells him that he is 100% what she has been looking for in a man, which of course he is because she is 25 years old, and he says that he might be "too comfortable" with her and alludes to a lack of Electricity. Of course, this leads to kisses in the hot tub while wearing a sequined bikini (her, not him, although wouldn't that be an interesting twist), and voila, she gets the rose. He would have been "gutted" if she said no.

Meanwhile, back at Ranch Ladybits, there is a knock on the door and SHayne opens it to see the cement block with "matt -n- Holly" etc etc written in it. A 5 minute discussion of whether Matt or Holly wrote the particular script ensues. We secretely wish it was a bag of poop on fire because that would have been more interesting, but whatever - we are mostly focused on Shayne of the Llama's tuxedo shirt.

Then it is time for date #2, which is a group date with the remaining 10 women (except Shayne, who got the next private date). These women get off the short bus and Girl #1 is wearing Ho Shos. Yes, they are shorts so completely up in her bits that they do not deserve a a "rt" at the end.

Noelle the photographer has the singular goal of not being killed while playing rugby, the date activity for this group. Chelsea is wearing pink stuff on her cheeks. Ashlee is wearing fake eyelashes. Nearly all of the women have tied their rugby shirts in that annoying back knot that young girls think is hot until they realize that it is damn uncomfortable to lean back in a chair and also creates muffintop. We only like Amanda (the one with stress hiccups called the "meeps" and who was the first one out of the limo on day #1), who says "yeah, Matt talked to me after every drill. It was either because he wanted to talk to me or because I was completely pathetic." We decide Amanda is the only redeeming female in this bunch.

So Kelly and Marshana are team captains, and Ashlee gets picked last because, in the words of Chelsea, "if you wear fake eyelashes to a rugby match, you DESERVE to get picked last." Chelsea totally plows into Ashlee, which is kind of awesome, and then oh no oh no Marshana is hurt. She took and elbow to the mouth and is now bleeding. Chelsea talks trash about Marshana wanting 1:1 time and we are starting to think Chelsea might be a little rough around the edges, but then Marshana totally milks her swollen lip for all it is worth and stares adoringly up at Rocky. As this is annoying, we decide that it is a draw between Marshana and Chelsea in this Viewer's mind.

But more interestingly, Shayne is totally "dying" because she needs "to tan SO BADLY" in preparation for her upcoming date with Matt. And Holly reveals that she brought a spray tanner....and whips out this contraption that seriously looks like my mother's applesauce crank/an engine part. "I brought it but didn't want the other girls to know," says she. And then suddenly she is wearing surgical gloves and spraying Shayne down in the tub. "Now all I need is a treadmill and I'm set" says the Llama. We are literally speechless.

Anyway, so back on the group date, "Team Gangsta" wins the rugby match. We never do discover the name of the other team, although we are quite confident it includes either "Shorty" or "Bitches" in its title. They all jump into the Short Bus to take a ride back to Matt's Crib, where he surprises the ladies with two masseuses. Marshana concludes that htis is "so thoughtful" of him. "As if," says our viewing companion KMu, "he had a damn thing to do with it."

As the other women are frolicking in the pool, Matt steals Kelly for some private time on the massage table. Yes, and it is that terrible. Kelly does a sort of drunk shimmy to the side, popping her hip bone out of joint, and then proceeds to climb on top of him and rub his back, all while talking in that "I smoked for 50 years and am only 23" sort of voice. Meanwhile, Robin is concluding that she is going to have to "step it up" and reveals to him in stolen time that she "will do whatever it takes, but I don't want to do stupid things." We conclude that she has already lost that battle by tweezing her eyebrows into a permanent expression of surprise and also by going after him like a pit bull. But soon Kelly reappears and details each attempt to locate Matt's ticklish spots to the entire group, thereby cementing their distaste for her.

FInally, FINALLY Amanda gets some 1:1 time with our bachelor. We secretly like her because she reminds us of our friend's fiancee, but then....... we realize they must never be together because it will only end in heartbreak, as he is probably a raging homosexual.

You see, he has just revealed to her that he loves old school George Michael.

In the end, Robin gets the rose on this date. According to Kelly, now completely foxed, wearing a fake fur coat, and sporting spectacularly red eyes, "Robin ish a gurl ... I would never in a millyun yearsh, if I was a dude, date. Neber. Robin shood go home n I shood wine." Yes, dear.

So date box # 3 arrives for Shayne, and she is wearing Ho Shos and this terrible bag top and gets all excited because her date has wine and she loves wine. How fortunate for her that she has chosen to wear six inch high white stripper boots with leather topping to walk on the cobblestones while getting tanked. Matt an the Llama have a deep discussion about family and her life of hardships: She moved out when she was 17, would never tell him who her dad is because he wouldn't know Lorenzo the Llama in England, but oh by the way he is an actor named Lorenzo the Llama and he used to be on a show called Renegade. And yes yes, she is ready for a more serious relationship that might end up marriage.

According to Matt, she is the "ultimate LA sex kitten" but he is drawn to her (no shizzle). We do give her props, however, for admitting that she is high maintenance, for not denying that she might have 400 pairs of shoes, and for announcing that her top five things are "1) cars, 2) shoes, 3) handbags, 4) sunglasses, and 5) watches. If you have those five things, it doesn't really matter what you're wearing on your body." Matt concludes that she is either one sandwich short of a picnic or the best thing since sliced bread. We don't really care because we are sick of her simpering tone and descriptions of Hardship and Risk taken to remain on this show because she "did it all for him." He is probably not listening either, as at this point he has his hands on her butt and they are kissing on the bed in front of the fireplace at some lodge which "reminds [Matt] of the old family home, actually."

Surprise, she gets the rose after a big stagey "roses are my favorite flower but I haven't been thinking about the rose on this date" and "ooo, where did that come from" dog and pony show by the Llama.

We are only saved by a flash back to the house, in which Robin is going on and on about the Bachelor and Amanda is Meeping the background. Go Amanda, go!

And at last, it is the rose ceremony. Shayne is wearing some shockingly pink silk bag, but we are really more interested in Kristine the personal trainer, who looks like my Glamour Barbie. KMu concludes that she probably has a giant pink plasatic brush and we both ponder whether she walks on her tippy toes. But unfortunately, we do not get to discover, as Chelsea has snagged Matt and is rambling on all about Matt in the morning, Matt in the afternoon, Matt at night, all she thinks about is Matt and he is telling her that she "shines."

We secretly like Noelle, who is confessing that she feels like a "matter of time girl" that will get cut eventually, because she doesn't feel that he is that interested in her. We feel bad for her lack of wisdom, as she is confiding all of this to Robin, who is trying to get her not to accept the rose if Noelle gets one. We confort ourselves in the fact that Robin has chosen to wear a silken version of one of those giant plastic bibs one gets while at the All You Can Eat buffet. Robin steals Matt.....and then Shayne, Kelly, and Amy steal Matt from Robin...Marshana says "'bout time someone busted Robin up".....and so it goes until there is a big confrontation in the Kitchen and the Llama tells Robin to ease up and stop trying to steal the Bachelor because "a) it's not gonna make you look good, and b) it's not worth it." But Robin will have none of it because "we are all in the same race and only one person can win" because *shuh* "it's a marriage."

Blah blah blah, but OMG, Holly is really sweating badly as she steals the Bachelor away for the hundredth time to go stand in the fountain or by the fountain or something. Oh wait, that is not sweat at all. It is an entire bottle of body glitter that she has sandblasted to her face, shoulders, and chest. If we were Holly, we would have that crap in our contacts and be blowing our nose in the corner while wondering if we were going blind, but no....Holly is on her A game and elicits an "I missed you too" and snogging session with Matt. So far, he has kissed like, 5 women on this pre-rose ceremony drinking fest.

And at last, he must pick the remaining 6 women to join Robin, Shayne, and Holly for the next round. And he picks:
1. Amanda (meep)
2. Ashlee (noooooo)
3. Kelly (ew. just ew. )
4. Chelsea
5. Noelle
6. Marshana.

Go Meat (age 33), Kristine/barbie (age 32), and Amy (age 22, but he had to get rid of one of them because there were no other oldies left) get the axe. If ever this is confirmation we are officially Too Old for This Show, we now have it.

But stay tuned for next week, when "Everybody hates Robin....except the Bachelor" according to Chris Harrison." Actually, next week is tomorrow, so yay team!

KLo