Wombat Part Finale: The End

Babies, after 10 years, we would like to announce that this is the End of the Road, for both the Wombat and This Viewer. This blog started as an email to a few friends, and grew to 143 blog posts, 200-250 steady readers, and many mini-bottles of the Sutter Wine. We have enjoyed it so much, but think that it is time to move our pen in another direction, and to get more sleep on Monday nights. Thank you so very much for reading. Drop a comment below this post, if you would like to tell me where you're from.

Without further ado, but with some sadness, we begin The Wombat: Part Finale. As the Wombat recaps the women and the difficult choice he is about to make, we are interrupted by “HEY-OH!!” Oh “African Choir singing in African Language,” we and Closed Captioning have missed you. The Wombat, gazing over his balcony at the part of Cape Town, announces that he is “looking out at what seems to be the whole world.” Ah, this must be Sarah Palin’s Cape Town.

After flashbacks of his insipid conversations with the women (“Let’s just say that he and Dolly Pemily aren’t going to win at charades,” says KMu), the Wombat is ready, babies, to introduce Chantally Lace and Dolly Pemily to his family. It is a “truly necessary step.” How fortunate for him, as his family suddenly is there, hiking through the brush towards him. And then there is crying, and scrawny sisters in law named “Dillon” and “Prima” (she was somebody’s cousin), and a mother in too much makeup. And the Wombat’s twin brother. Says ABe, “Wow, Chad is way hotter than the Wombat.”

After some tears evoked by family togetherness, the doorbell rings. “Hang tight, I need some time with my woman,” says the Wombat. WTF. Oh, it is just Chantally Lace, with the most burned chest we have ever seen. As she chatters on and on about “what really made me knew that I loved Brad . . .” was running through the rain with a wine glass (because that was so much like real life) we once again feel the death of grammar in America. Then Chad the Hot Brother is talking again, and we don’t hear anything except waves of hotness. “He really is 10,000 times hotter than his brother,” marvels ABe.

So blah blah, there is a lovefest between Chantally Lace and the Mom:
“You’re precious!”
“So are you!”
“You’re fabulous!”
“So are you!”
And off goes Chantally Lace into the sunset after a little smooch. Boy howdy, does this viewer think Chantally Lace kisses like crap, but the Wombat is undeterred: “If everything works out, I will marry her.”

The next day, it’s Dolly Pemily’s turn for the big family visit. She shows up with flowers all wrapped up, and for a moment we think it is a baby in the swaddling clothes. Oops. Before they go inside, the Wombat feels that he needs to coach Dolly Pemily: “You aren’t shy, you are just private.” We fight down our annoyance.

This time, brother Wes (not the hot one) ends up stepping in it when he asks Dolly Pemily how Ricki’s father would feel about her moving to Austin. The Wombat freaks out: “This ah . . ok. . . um not a good time . . but . . ah . . . maybe later.” Dolly Pemily shows more grace as she tells her story about her fiancee’s death, though she still can’t say “he was killed.” But it is enough. Prima has folded herself around one pointy clavicle, crying heavily.

The Wombat’s brothers quiz him about whether he is ready to be a dad, he insists he is ready, and the Wombat’s mother, Pamela, declares that she feels like she’s meeting his future wife. Babies, the most meaningful part of the whole day was when the Dolly Pemily told Pamela that the Wombat is her “angel.” Pamela gets choked up again telling it. The sisters-in-law also approve, because “as a mom, she would fit into our world.” WTF. But it is Chad the Hot Brother who saves the day from insipidity again, observing that there is a “huge difference between a wallflower and someone with poise. And Dolly Pemily is just extremely poised.” We heart Chad the Hot Brother.

We can all see where this is going.

But first, we must watch a final date with Chantally Lace, on a party boat in Cape Town. This viewer once took a party boat sightseeing trip in Mexico. Alcohol, waves, thirty people, and two toilets don’t mix, gentle readers.

But Chantally Lace isn’t thinking about the perils of party boating, as she is simply thrilled to have forgotten her pants one last time for the Bachelor. We conclude this is a wise move, as the Wombat announces that they are going to swim with the sharks in a little cage off the side of the boat. As we would completely pee our wetsuit, Chantally’s pantslessness suddenly makes sense. Except when she comes out of the dressing room, she seems to have forgotten her top. We cannot get past this, and apparently neither can her wetsuit zipper, which just stays open for the next 20 minutes despite the absence of top.

Since they survived the shark situation, Chantally Lace and the Wombat move on to a short visit at her place that night. Oh look, she has given him a message in a bottle! It is a map of the world, tracing all of their significant relationship steps, such as where she slapped him for the first time . . . . and the last time . . . . She has also included a personal note, on register tape. He unrolls it and reads, “blah blah fell in love. Blah blah, I choose you, please choose me.” It is actually a nice note, but we must deduct points from Chantally Lace for writing something that would inevitably be read in its entirety to the television viewing audience.

Off we go on final date #2 with Dolly Pemily, the next day. And we suddenly retract all that we said about Chantally Lace’s pantslessness, for DP is wearing a button down shirt cut up to where her future saddlebags will be, and boots. And it is windy. We are suddenly terrified, as Dolly Pemily attempts to hold down the fort in both front and back while walking towards a helicopter, up a mountain, and sitting in the wind on said mountain.

While they sit down and scream at each other over the wind about what it means to have children and be a father, Dolly Pemily has one hand scraping her hair out of her face and one hand holding down her “dress.” “I wish I had a hat for her,” says ABe. “A hat and pants.”

That night, the Wombat heads over to Dolly Pemily’s place to have what he believes is the “most important conversation” with her. He confesses that, “Ever since the Cape. The Windy Windy Cape,” he has been thinking about how ready he is to be a father, and he asks Dolly Pemily to open her life to him so that he can do that. And it all goes downhill. Dolly Pemily pushes him on whether he knows how hard and “not always fun” it will be. And the Wombat, viewing this as questioning his sincerity and trying to sabotage the relationship, gets mad. In a nutshell, he feels “defeated.”

Babies, we are in the badlands of the Wombat’s limited emotional range/understanding. And it does not look good for Dolly Pemily.

The very next day, however, is the Final Rose Ceremony. Suddenly, we are in the part of the book where each chapter is written by a different person, as we ping-pong between the Wombat, Dolly Pemily, and Chantally Lace’s views of the world while they get ready to find out who the Wombat has chosen. We hate Chantally Lace’s dress, for which she killed and denuded a small black bird. But, we love Dolly Pemily’s dress, even though we realize with a shock (as she steps out of the limo and into direct sunlight) that it is completely see-through.

Let’s just get it out of the way: He picks Dolly Pemily. Now this viewer owes DLei a dollar. And while the proposal is sweet and tender, we are actually more mesmerized by the engagement happening on the Fancy Feast commercial during the break. Over ABe’s wails of never getting those minutes back, KMu revokes our remote control privileges.

But here is the thing: we are suddenly whisked into the After the Final Rose episode, which is historically the following week. And we don’t know what to say, because the Wombat is there proclaiming his love for Dolly Pemily, while simultaneously stating that they broke up for awhile, and that he doesn’t know they are still engaged and he is “hoping she will tell me.” They have, apparently, not seen each other for a month. But out she comes to say that she loves him. She informs him that they are still engaged, but says that he has a temper, they have volatile fights, and they have some things to work through.

(this is all after Chantally Lace comes out, cries awhile about the difficult loss of the Wombat, and announces that despite this difficulty, she has moved on with someone new).

We feel bad for Dolly Pemily, as we know that she is now with someone that is going to be very hard to shake. We know where this is going for her, and feel sad.

Thank god that we have Bachelor Nation’s “successful couples,” to guide us through this difficult time: Trista & Ryan, Big Daddy and Molly who will Not Age Well, and Ali and Roberto. We still love Ryan, even though he wrote that poem and drew a white tiger for Trista (whatever works for her). And Molly still will not age well.

And so it ends, in a cliffhanger for the Wombat, and the end of the book for this viewer. Thank you, my own Bachelor Nation, for the ride.


-Kelly Hartzler (KLo)

Wombat Part The Women Tell All: Recycled Bachelor

Babies, our ears are still bleeding from two hours. TWO. HOURS. of screetchiting at the level of a feral raccoon/the Jonas Brothers. We don't like The Women Tell All episode for oh so many reasons, and all were brought forcibly to mind last night. We secretly wish that ABC would stop with this episode of filler before the Big Reveal.

As Chris Harrison interviews Wombat, on tape, about how he liked being the "Recycled Bachelor," we look bleakly into the viewing audience, and this is what we find: Suzanne Somers circa that horrible shag haircut. So, when this viewer was a child, we would regularly go to summer stock theater in the round (we realize this explains a lot). Across from this viewer's season seats were the seats of a man and the piece of leather with a platinum top that he married. As the summer would progress, we would watch a perfect diamond of black hair emerge from the scalp of the Leather Lady, suddenly to disappear and be replaced with platinum blonde approximately every 4 weeks. But one year, Leather Lady and her husband stopped coming. We had thought they died, but no, they had just relocated to the Viewing Audience of the Women Tell All. We are blinded by the platinum glory.

But now we must pay attention again to the Wombat, who is recapping the women for what will be the 300th time. Blah blah Chantally Lace slapping him at the beginning of the show (ABe reacts in outrage that her skirt is short in front and long in back. We hate a mullet dress.). Blah blah the Dentist was fabulous. Blah blah Fangs saying goodbye in her prayer-shawl-and-nothing-else dress. Blah blah BBM has "a lot of game" and he was "blindsided by her beauty."

So then we must sit through a promo for "The Bachelor Pad 2." Babies, we will NOT be watching this show, as we are still so horrified by the promotion of it that we forget to really pay attention to what is happening on the TV. Apparently, there is now a "Bachelor Nation" that is "500 strong and counting." Yes, babies. They may be a displaced people, but they walk their trail of tears from New York to L.A. , where ABC has created reservations to protect their cherished community, in which alcoholism runs rampant.

Our eyes are then accosted by our former Beloved, Richard the Science Teacher (R.I.P.), whom we forgive for going to parties thrown by ABC where former contestants get drunk and hook up. We do not, however, forgive Kasey "Guard and Protect Her Heart" from season Ali for hooking up with La Ca, still in a tiara. And then there's Le Sausage, being all giddy about having been cast on the Bachelor Pad 2, Craigslist sticking his tongue down somebody's throat, and Gia complaining about Le Sausage sleeping with Wes. Well Gia, they say, they say that love, it don't come eeeeeeaaaaaaaassssyyyy.

And now we are on to the show. There is a pack of women on stage, and this is the only thing worth mentioning: The Dentist looks awful. Fake Tan. New Brunette hair. Orangy-red lipstick. It's like someone dressed up a piece of fruit leather. We are sad for her, as she looks about 40 years older than she really is.

Really, this episode is too painful to recap, so we are going to shirk our duties and say that Broke Back Michelle was "under attack." She has now remembered that she has a child, and beats that drum relentlessly: "I missed my child. I went on the show for my child." yadda yadda. The women aren't buying it. Jackie the Artist calls her a "spider" for being "creepy and someone people are scared of," and Stacey the BARTENDER says she is a bad role model for her child. vOther women come to BBM's defense. This is all done at such an irritating pitch that we almost cannot handle it. Oh, and as a cherry on top, we must also relive the whole "Melissa v. Raichel" fight that bored us so much the first time that we refused to write about it.

Needless to say, this culminates in Chris Harrison jumping down off the couch to kneel beside BBM in comfort. Or, as KMu says, "Rescue Broke Back, The Bodyguard Style."
"And IIIIeeeeiiiiieeeeeIIIII, will always love youuuuUUUUUUuuuuu," sings ABe.
As Broke Back cries and Chris Harrison comforts, the women call off the attack. BBM is not such a bad person. Yes, she's a good mom. And oh, life would not have been the same without her every Monday night.

"What happens Monday nights?" asks ABe, completely serious.

Oh ABe, we love you.

So then The Nanny takes the "Hot Seat," and we don't understand her dress. It is shiny and gold, and "looks like it caught on the door on the way in," (sayeth KMu). She, like the rest of the "Bachelor Nation" has forgotten her pants. The Nanny starts to cry as she describes how she's been in a "lot of bad relationships" that either end with the guy cheating or deciding he doesn't want to date her anymore. News flash, Nanny: except for the cheating part, most relationships end when people decide to stop dating. But the Nanny wants explanations, as she heard the Wombat's statement "She would make a good wife, but not for me," as "She wouldn't make a good wife." And this is why the Bachelor continues.

Next up: The Dentist. She looks awful. awful. awful. And is wearing satin formal shorts with visible zipper detail. Even if she has a nice interview, we cannot get past the World Of No in which she has festooned herself. Gentle readers, this viewer's E! True Hollywood Confession is that we do not have the best fashion sense. But do you know why we no longer have purple hair? Because our sister SHa told us that we were older than shit, and that people past a certain age don't do that. And we listened. And that is what needs to happen with the Dentist and her formal shorts.

Out comes the Wombat. He had "promised his significant other that he wouldn't be too happy" when he out on stage, so "If you're out there, sorry babe." The Nanny gets her closure, BBM and he conclude that they are each too "volatile" to be with one another, and the Dentist gets a hug (we at the BNU all agree that he still has feelings for her).

And then ABC is held hostage by the 700 Club. Oh babies, while the Bachelor was in South Africa, they decided to help the little black children by buying them a solar heater for their school's water. "It is so meaningful to see the smile on those childrens' faces," says the Wombat. "I mean, we gave them hot water." Followed by image upon image ad nauseum of Chris Harrison and the Wombat playing with the little black children and interviews with the school teachers thankful for hot water.

And this is our thing: it is good to do charitable works. But babies, this viewer is here to tell you that swooping in for a day to give people pantyhose, and then take a lot of pictures of oneself handing out said pantyhose, is not the best model of assistance to the third world. ABe's head has exploded all over the television.

Finally, we are at an end. The Wombat is "happier than he's ever been." The woman that he has picked has "changed his life," and "buddy," he "falls in love with her more every day."

Will it be Dolly Pemily or Chantally Lace? Stay tuned for next week, when All Is Revealed.

-KLo

Wombat Part 9: Like the Lion King, Only Better

Babies, there are elephants. Zebras. Lions. That's right, because we are in SOUTH AFRICA!! KMu queries, "I wonder how how long we can spend in an episode shot in South Africa without seeing a black person, because we know how long we can go with episodes shot in America." This viewer thinks she is right, except that ABe has put us in a sugar coma with pumpkin scones and wine, so we are having difficulty. forming. sentences. This should be *just right* for watching the Wombat.


Naturally, Wombat Part 9 must begin with a recap of the ladies, but we are mainly interested in the fact that, while this is happening, the Wombat is also getting on a plane to fly coach to South Africa. And there is a black person! A flight attendant. We draw one line under our People of Color Counter ("POC.C.").


Anyway, kissing Chantally Lace is as "close to perfect" as things can come. FEH. We are over the Chantally Lace. Meanwhile, there is the Dentist. An "accomplished, professional woman," marvels the Wombat. . . "who is still in school," says ABe. We love that we can be a "doctor" on the Bachelor if we have two years of college premed. And last but not least, there is Dolly Pemily, who makes him be a better person. Or as the Wombat tells us: "I, myself, am a better self." Yes, babies, the Bachelor makes us all better versions of our self.


So ABC pulls a little plane on a string, across a map of the world towards Africa. As we hear a screetch of brakes, we are accosted by "HEY-OH!!!!" Ah, the Music Of Africa. And we get the Wombat's book report on the Land He Is Visiting:
"It is very vast land.
Filled with exotic animals.
It is really really cool.
But also a little dangerous."
This is not unlike a certain viewer's First Poem Ever About International Travel, written in the first grade: "Suck your toe, all the way to Mexico." We wonder if the Wombat did just that.


Suddenly, we are at the Lion Sands Lodge, where Chantally Lace is wearing the shortest shorts ever. Listen, CL, you are in the bush. Which does not mean that you show yours. And also, button your top. We have No Words anymore, as the Wombat and Chantally Lace go on a truck safari with two, TWO more black people (oooo, now there are three marks under my POC.C.). Except one has a giant gun, so we have to subtract have a point for Stereotypical Portrayal of a Black Person in a Television Series or Film. During said safari, this is what we hear:
"Wow, this is insane."
"Look how big he is."
"Oh, wow."

We refill our wine and try not to be bored. But then this happens: "Choir Singing in an African Language." WE LOVE CLOSED CAPTIONING. Between the "owl hoots," "insect buzzing" and television interpretation of the Wombat's inarticulate mumblings, Closed Captioning is the Fun New Thing at BNU headquarters.


And then this viewer goes on Overload, because we have just seen two giraffes, which the Wombat has described as "magestic creatures." Babies, we went to the zoo once, to see the giraffes. And as we stood there hand-in-hand with our boyfriend, we also watched the giraffes link legs as if they were People Like Us. There was cooing and sweetness from the mothers and children surrounding us. We took a picture. And then, one giraffe started to pee. And the other giraffe unlinked its hoof from the peeing giraffe, turned around, and DRANK THE PEE. And that, my babies, is why giraffes are not "magestic."


But the Wombat and Chantally Lace are not done yet. Oh no, the Wombat is concluding that a relationship needs to "go through a test, whether fear or danger." So they decide to eat lunch beside two hippos. Sayeth Chantally Lace, "It's really a metaphor for what is going on in our relationship." As long as no one drinks anything, this viewer is cool. But before long, the Wombat is confessing that he is missing her family (which we all know is code for Pining After Her Father), followed by mutual confessions of how this will all be Even More Serious in another week, when he could be proposing to someone.


Dinner is more of the same, except we get the Fantasy Suite card!! "It's like Vegas. What happens in the Fantasy Suite stays in the Fantasy Suite" chatters Chantally Lace. Except not, because the fantasy suite is an open air bedroom with no walls, 20 feet up a tree. We love us some Swiss Family Robinson, but we would secretly worry about malaria (and also, being eaten by a lion) in these circumstances. But CL doesn't want this date to end. We no longer care.


Finally, it is date #2 with Dolly Pemily. Again, what is up with the short shorts and cowboy boots? While unphased by the impropriety of forgetting one's pants in South Africa, Dolly Pemily is immediately anxious that the Wombat leaves her "alone in the wilds" at the beginning of their date. As she stands waiting, we see an elephant rumble towards her. That's right! An ELEPHANT safari!! We had an Elephant Interaction in India, which did not go badly, and so our confidence is high. Not so, Dolly Pemily:
"Oh my lord.
Oh my goodness gracious."
"Oh heavens."
All we can think of is "oh, the chafing," as two more POC scurry around the elephant to lift Dolly Pemily on top for the safari. But Dolly is chafe-free as she marvels that "this is like the Lion King, but better." Yes, and McDonalds is like a farm.


Over lunch, the Wombat confesses that he has "missed your daughter." Oh HELL no. The Wombat has just violated this Viewer's Rule for Harlequinn Romances: No weird names for the main characters ("Stonebrook," "Delicia") and no bringing of children into the story. That's right, this viewer will read about Magic Skirts that Make One Find True Love, but Will Not Read "The Millionare's Secret Baby" or "A Functioning Man to Raise Her Child" And also, don't shoplift the pootie, Wombat.


But Dolly Pemily is charmed, which carries over into dinner, where she has chosen to wear a skintight black sequin "lillypad" (in the words of KMu). Oh! The wombat is "all nervous around" her! Oh! Dolly Pemily "dunno" why! Yet despite all of this, we secretly like Dolly Pemily even more when the Fantasy Suite card comes, and she delicately says:
"I am a mom and would like to set a good example. However, I would also like to take the time with you, to continue on AT THE SAME PACE and to TALK."


Yay, Dolly Pemily! She is awarded the Wombat leading her to the Most Uncomfortable Seat in the Fantasy Suite: a wicker love seat. Never one to be ungraceful, Dolly Pemily awkwardly perches on the edge of the seat, and then confesses that she is falling in love with him.
There is stunned silence.
Followed by, "I. didn't. Expect that. Wow."
More stunned silence.
"I. didn't. expect that. at. all."
MORE stunned silence.
"But. I am. also. falling in. love. with you. Ah. would. not. let you. say that. without out. saying. something. in. return."


"It's like his brain functions by satellite," observes KMu. "What DP says has to transmit up . . . . and then back down to his brain . . . where there is an old, tired hamster on a wheel, trying to keep the whole thing going."


If this is true, then we seriously fear for the heart health of that hamster, as the Wombat heads into date #3 with the Dentist. Again with the short shorts and lack of malaria shots. Off they go on a walk, as the Dentist says she feels like she is "walking back to the carnival" of their first date (undoubtedly because she is walking down a hill on some grass). Suddenly, the Dentist goes all skreetchity when she sees her Biggest Fear In Life: A helicopter!! That's right, the Wombat and she are going to Face Her Fear Together as they take a Helicopter Safari.


After the Wombat convinces the Dentist to take it down an octave, they are off: "I had. no idea how. beautiful. South Africa is. I really didn't. We saw some. very wild, exotic. animals," says he. Seriously?


But this date is not going well. As the helicopter lands in Middle Earth, the Dentist annoints herself with the kiss of death: "Now that I am getting older, I would consider moving back to Maine." Oh sweet Mary and Joseph, child, you're supposed to insert yourself into HIS life after this thing is over. The Wombat doesn't what the Dentist says at all. He peppers her with questions about whether she can "allow herself to live while she achieves" and patronizes her with anecdotes of how his own 20s passed him by because he was working all the time.

Dear Wombat,
This girl just took two months off from her life to go on a t.v. show with the likes of you. We think she knows how to make her own fun.
Love,
KLo.

But it goes even more downhill from there, as the Wombat seriously cannot keep up with the Dentist mentally. He freaks out that she has not mentioned Austin as a place for them to live together. SHe says she's never visited Austin. The Wombat looks alarmed. The Dentist says that if they were going to make a life together, then Austin would be fine, but she would have never thought of it otherwise. The Wombat can't process this and becomes agitated.


This viewer once watched a suitor self-destruct over e-mail. It was fascinating. "I don't think I'm ready to date. . . but maybe I am. . . But I like you . . . Though you are too good for me. . . I can never see you again . . . do you want to go out?" Babies, that is the Wombat's brain at this moment, the Hamster having given up the ghost. We feel almost bad for him, but mostly for the Dentist, who clearly needs someone with the horses to keep up. They take the fantasy suite card to talk more, but it Is Over.


And now the rose ceremony is upon us. We all know what is happening, which makes us wonder why the Dentist chose to wear a rucheted poop-colored dress. Chantally Lace is in the red, and Dolly Pemily has some sort of spandex dress with a blue bustier painted on top of a black t-shirt followed by a grey skirt. Thank God we don't have to look at her too much today.


Immediately, the Wombat takes the Dentist aside. She is heartbroken as he let's her go before handing out any roses. Except, after he finally utters the words, she pops up cheerfully and says she's "not going to beg you to change your mind." YAY Dentist!!! So then the Wombat self-destructs again because he secretly was hoping that she would convince him that he made the right decision. He begs her to tell him "what's wrong" (are you freaking kidding us?) and insists on a hug. We give mad props to the Dentist for being polite.


As the Dentist drives off into the sunset and the Wombat returns to the rose ceremony, Chantally Lace whispers excitedly to Dolly Pemily that she doesn't see the Dentist. Dolly Pemily is too well-bred to respond. But the Wombat, having received no pat on the head from the Dentist, needs to now be reassured by the remaining women that he's still "got it." So he gives roses to Chantally Lace and Dolly Pemily anyway, and announces that he's looking forward to taking them to "One Of The Most Exciting Cities in the World," Cape Town.

But we must wait to find out how that goes, for next week is the Women Tell All.


KLo