Fifty Shades Darker Part 2: Jesus Take the Wheel

Gentle Readers, we must tell you that we may be on a one day time delay periodically going forward, as we get slightly more beauty sleep and also, we know that none of you really care about this show.  Moreover, said time delay has allowed the BNU to Achieve New Technological Advancements, as we join forces for the First Time Ever via multi-media presentation.   Lo, for ABe is in The Big City far far away, yet participating via Facetime and Also, Hulu on the IPad of KMu.

Oh! So our Heroine Rachel has so many emotions!  She is riding high from last night’s rose ceremony, yet also anxious, and scared.  She is walking down the sidewalk with her dog Copper, demonstrating her concern. Meanwhile, the men have all gathered round the coffee table for a welcome by Chris Harrison.

“Oh, THAT guy.”  Says ABe.

The Harrison is here to tell us that there will be three dates this week:  two group dates and a 1:1.  As he leaves, a guy wearing a pot holder picks up the first date card.   And it is for . . . Dean Go Black/Not Back, The Boob, Jack the lawyer, the Tickle Guy, Five Minute Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Fred, and . .. some other guys.  We don’t know what it says because KMu is pouring wine.

 When we look up, RLind is grilling hot dogs in an outfit fraught with peril.  There are cut outs, a skirt that sticks straight out, and also, wedgity high heels. 
“I totally have that same grill outfit,” says KMu.

Further complicating matters, football is played in said grill outfit.   But we almost don’t notice as ABe is spewing rage at The Tickle guy, The Boob is saying “whaboom” every three seconds, and Five Minute Blake is like “I know The Boob and I will Ruin Him, RUIN HIM, I tell you mwahahahaa.”   If we were Rachel, we would light a match on this date and walk away.

But suddenly, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have popped up on our screen and we discover that they are hosting the Husband Material Challenge.  AND we discover that Mondays for them are for white wine, vodka tonics, and the bachelor and also, that this is their 1:1 date because their parents are at home with their children.   We then love them forever and ever amen because Mila wants to know the following:

“Who has health insurance? Raise your hands.”
“Who has a job?”

We are reminded forcibly of ABe’s dad when summing up suitors: “Do you have a job?  Do you vote?”

AKu is revealing the “Obstacle course to test their husbandry,” and it involves changing a dirty diaper.  We feel a little ill and KMu whispers, “Um, this might be too soon for KLo.”

Babies, on this hallowed Memorial Day Weekend, we went on a family vacation with the niecelets, during which one 3 year old niecelet, who shall remain nameless, got a severe stomach flu.    She left Tasty Treats all over the rental house and also, in this Author’s Tupperware Which We Will Never see the Same Way Again.  These Events of Infamy culminated in a late night trip to the ER (we aimed and missed for urgent care) in which this Author navigated and held the Tupperware-o-vomits for said niecelet as her mother drove.  And upon arrival at the ER, we also received the Best Party Favor ever.

Behold:  The Vomicondom.

We took several home, if anyone would like them.

n any event, and while we can now tell our niecelet when she grows up that we have been carrying her vomit for yeaaaaahrs, we don’t need to see poopy diapers at this very moment.    The other stations of the parental cross are not much better, as they include strapping on a baby bjorn, vacuuming, cleaning hair out of a sink full of dishes, and setting a table.

We look over at ABe’s disembodied head on the Ipad, and discover that she is drinking wine straight from the bottle.

Dean Go Black/Not Back has never held a baby before.  The Tickle Guy feels like his “world” is “falling apart” with this challenge.  Iggy says he “poops every day, so I should be able to handle this.”  Kenny, as a parent himself, SHOULD be the boss of this challenge but out of nowhere, the Boob takes the lead on the poop cleaning challenge. W.T.F.  Come on, Kenny, You have GOT THIS.

Off we go to the baby Bjorn, with The Boob in a slight lead over Kenny – probably because Kenny is actually trying not to break his fake baby’s skull.  But the gap narrows as they vacuum race.  

Meanwhile, men are slowly being put in the “dog house” for finishing last on various challenges, each one looking more somber than the next as The Boob continues to prevail.    

At the hair from drain challenge, our mind wanders.  When this Author was in college, we lived in one of those apartments that no one would live in but college students because it is in the dank converted basement of someone’s home.  One time, our tiny bathroom drain clogged and we stood embarrassed to the roots of our hair as our landlord, a very old and very Mennonite retired college professor, told us the tale of a previous renter who had managed to clog this teeny tiny drain with a pair of underpants.  Babies, we hold these facts to be self-evident:

a.  Said underpants Were Racy if it could go down that drain.
b.  We don’t ever need to have a conversation about Racy Drain Clogging Underpants with a man who looks like Moses again.

We escape our reverie to witness The Boob drowning his baby to get the hair out of the sink, and then PUNCHING KENNY IN THE BABY BJORN in order to get ahead and win the challenge.  He then “Whabooms” and spikes his fake baby on the ground like a football for winning the challenge.   We hate him.  Our only solace is that The Boob tries to get Ashton K to “whaboom” and Ashton refuses, only to then observe, when the Boob does it himself:  “That was . . . .quite an effort.”

We cut to Five Minute Blake is telling the camera how he is going to End The Boob, dropping his baby like a mike. 

WTF all you baby dropping people.  This Author wouldn’t pick a damn one of you.

The horrors of this date continue at a video game bar with 1:1 with the Boob.  This Author claws at the collar of her shirt, wishing in vain that we had a hood to wear as The Boob reads the following “poem that he wrote” to Rachel. Spelling errors in original:

“Your beautiful brown eyes and your gorgeous smile are just the tip of all you entile.  And I look forward to this adventure with you, to continue for a very long while.” 

Babies, our Heroine is TOUCHED by this nonsense.  She likes that The Boob “continues to surprise” her.  We have no words. 

The rest of this date is a non-event. RLind feels like she’s at a job interview as Iggy asks her about her next career goals, Third Grade Fred tries to convince her that he’s not a bad kid anymore, The Attorney talks to her with his face angled for a kiss the entire time, and the Tickle Guy tries to make small talk about diapers.

Meanwhile, Iggy and Five Minute Blake are confronting The Boob.  Five Minute Blake apparently is roommates with The Boob’s ex-girlfriend and claims he only is a “clown for TV exposure” who is wearing makeup.  This exchange lasts for like five minutes, with The Boob saying things like “I hold myself in high regard” and Five Minute Blake being Enraged by Whaboom’s duplicity or something.  Five Minute Blake also wastes his time with Rachel complaining about The Boob.

Kenny, for All of Us:  “Listen, I’m a wrestler.  I know all about white dudes doing crazy.   If you want to get on a merry go round, get your ass over to Santa Monica and go on a merry go round.”

The rose on this date goes to Dean Go Black/Not Back, who looks like a child.  The following protests are heard from the BNU Peanut Gallery:

KMu:  “She should take him on a date and teach him how to shave.”
ABe: “If some random white dude came up to me and said he’s going black not back, I’d be like ‘get the f-ck out of here.’”

At least Rachel and Dean’s kiss is not terrible.

While this Tragedy is Playing, Date Card #2 has come for FIRST PETER from Wisconsin!!  Yaayyayay!!   “I’m looking for my best friend,” it reads.  

As this Author professes her love for First Peter, KMu sighs to ABe: “You know how she is drawn to the biblical characters.” But ABe is fan-girling also, so We RE Justified.

We are a little confused as to why Rachel is wearing a t-shirt knotted at the waist for this date, but we suspect that it is because ABC is all “can you at least show a little skin,” and we forgive her.  

So, we discover that First Peter and RLind are going to Palm Springs with her dog, to attend “Bark Fest.”

First Peter: [giving Copper scritches is the plane.]
ABe:  “I would like First Peter to do that to me.”
RLind:  “I love how he is very attentive to Copper.”
ABe: “And also HE IS HOT.”

KMu is making fun of us but when we look over, we see the following:

KMu: “Wisconsin for life, babies!”

First Peter and RLind relax and talk about being willing to move for love, which RLind reveals she learned she was “willing to do the long and hard way.”   We are only half paying attention because we are admiring First Peter’s salt and pepper hair.

This date continues to go swimmingly at dinner, as RLind and First Peter talk about their respective tooth gaps.  First Peter’s is apparently genetic.  RLlind was told by her dentist that she may want to keep it because it is distinctive, so she never got it fixed. 

This Author wishes she still had her tooth gap, which was fixed when we were a child.

But then RLind asks First Peter why he is still single, and he reveals that he had been broken-hearted a few times, including an ill-conceived relationship that ended badly when he moved from LA back to Wisconsin.  He ended up seeing a relationship therapist, who helped him be more “calm in my thoughts.”  And THEN, RLind revealed that she also went to a therapist, which was the best decision ever in her life.

He gets the rose, and there are fireworks, and SHE is the one who goes in for the kiss (which is not gross). 

ABe claps.

We have the sense that, unlike most people at this stage, RLind and First Peter are having more and better conversations than shown on the television. We love First Peter, as does RLind, who declares herself to be a “smitten kitten.”

At last, date card #3 has come to the house, for Zoolander, Will, Jamey, Diggy, The Russian, Lee the singer, Matt (the penguin from last week??), Eric, DeMario, and maybe others.  “Swish,” it reads, and we know that basketball is about to be played.

Mixing his metaphors, DeMario says:  “You can sink, or swim with the fishes.  Time to see who is built Ford Tough.”

The Russian is not, as he shows up in a man bun and/or the smallest ponytail seen on someone who is not five years old.  

Upon witnessing RLind shooting free throws, Josiah the Prosecutor (also apparently on this date) confusingly says “she had on some leggings that fit her body like a coca cola bottle.” 

But we don’t care because Kareem Abdul Jabbar is suddenly here like the “Mr. Miagi of basketball,” says KMu.  He talks about Items In the Heart being more important than Items In the Mind, and also, gives them some practice AND ALSO reveals that they will be playing a game to a packed house later that evening.

DeMario, though annoying the crap out of all of us, is apparently connecting with RLind.  We can only conclude this is because she does not hear him saying things like “RLind needs a confident man,” and “I as born a winner” and also “women like to watch their men.”  She confesses a secret weakness for athletes and, as DeMario continues to dominate on the basketball court, we grow worried.

So the game happens, with teams “Purple Rose Trapeze” (???) against “Lindsay’s Long Horns,” and the people in purple win.   Someone says “team work makes the dream work” and we hate them.  

Post game, we are confident that DeMario is going to get the rose until . . . some woman named Lexi shows up.  And reveals that her boyfriend of seven months just disappeared one day and then a few days later, she turned on the television to see him meeting RLind and also, that said boyfriend is DeMario.

Oooooooooo.   

RLind blinks, and then like the Boss Attorney That She Is, heads into the locker room to “borrow”  DeMario.  The men think she is borrowing him to give him the rose, as does DeMario, who is all “the basketball gods have blessed me once again.” And then:

Lexi:  “Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it.”
DeMariio:  “[stumbling] ooh ohh, who is this?”
Lexi:  “You don’t recognize me?”
DeMario: “See, this girl is a psycho.  I left her many moons ago.  She’s crazy man.”
RLind, LAWYERING UP:   “When, exactly, did you stop dating?”
DeMario:  “I mean, I don’t know the exact date . . .”
RLind: “I need you to be specific with me.”
DeMario:  “I mean, I was weaning off the texting because she’s crazy you know.”
RLind:  “No, if someone is crazy, you would just cut off the texting.  Not continue.  I’m listening to what you say, and I want you to know that you don’t make sense.”
DeMario:  “I haven’t talked to her in weeks man”
Lexi:  “I have the texts to prove it.”
RLind:  “If I ask her to show me her phone, is it going to coincide with what YOU said or what SHE said.”

God bless deposition skills.

And then, RLind says, for All of Us: “I genuinely think you want to be here.  I just don’t think you are here for me.  So, I’m just going to need you to get the f-ck out.”

RACHEL. FOR THE WIN.

And then to Chris Harrison, who stands randomly under a ladder in the middle of the basketball court:  “This is not the shit I signed up for.” 

So RLind calms herself and then tells the remaining guys what happened, and warns them that if anyone else has a girlfriend, go home now.  Meanwhile, DeMario takes himself home while repeatedly saying “this is crazy man.”  We don’t care.

Though we have no interest in the rest of this date, it unfortunately continues at, quite literally, the “cabinet of curiosities” including at least one stuffed raccoon.  The men try to “comfort” RLind, who seems not to need any comforting but rather, a wide berth because she is still A Bit Salty.   

Unfortunately, the comfort includes Josiah laying it on thick and then giving her a Very Bad Kiss, The Russian singing a song in . . . Russian . . . about dark eyes,  Eric the personal trainer giving some kind of motivational speech followed by an equally horrible kiss, and . . . .

Josiah gets the rose.  NOOOO.

At last we are the rose ceremony.  

Ok, you know those copper arthritis bracelets?   Gentle readers, we need to have a discussion with Rachel:

And also, she has a black kitty for on top.

KMu:  “Once you go black, you never go .. “
ABe:  “Just, no.”

The Columbian Chiropractor immediately swoops in on RLind, gives her the worst kiss of the entire night, and informs her that he is going to crack her back.   Ok, we secretly love our chiropractor but this would be weird.

But we are distracted because DeMario is apparently at the front door.  And Chris Harrison has shown up because DeMario wants to rectify the “character assassination” that somehow occurred at his own hands earlier in the day.  And while we hope fervently that RLind will tell The Harrison that she doesn’t even want to bother with him, she instead says that her “curiosity is at an all time high” and heads forward with the men on her heels.

This Author: “This is the part where the guys are like stone him, STONE HIM.”
KMu:  “Goody Proctor, Line 2.”

Stay tuned for next week, when we learn whether DeMario Lives Another Day and also, who gets voted off the island.

- KLo

Fifty Shades Darker Part Tomorrow

Because we have discovered time delay and intend to enjoy our sleep. 

Fifty Shades Darker Part 1: What Fresh Hell Is This

Babies, we resolutely Voted With Our Feet with Season Evil Nick.  Consequently, we know nothing about the new bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, except that she is a “The Black Woman Everyone Can Agree On,” in the words of ABe.  But, in spite of all the photo ops and the intense violins and also, many views of the House of Ill Repute also known as the Bachelor Pad, we like her. 

Lo, for RLind is from Dallas, is 31 years old, knows her own damn mind, shoots a hoop, and also, is a TRIAL ATTORNEY, defense side, gentle readers.  We hear her say “Objection your honor, speculation” and ABe and this Tiny Author let out a thrilled giggle.

 But then comes the hard part, for we must see RLind’s trail of tears through Season Evil Nick, which basically includes a highlight reel of kisses and such questions as “what would your heart say” followed by much crying in the limo as he sends her home in the snow and the Wilds.   So basically, We Missed Nothing in skipping last season.   And also, We Regret Nothing about having missed the last After the Final Rose, in which some asspickle told her that he was “Ready to go black, and I’m never going back.”

WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT.

So we made it through all of that, which has aged us all 800 years.  And we also make it through the part where Maxine the Cartoon has come to life in the form of old ladies telling RLind not to sleep with any of the men and also, to make the right decision. 

Baby EMu, now an astute Young Person, breaks in with a pertinent question:  "Is this the one where the boys hunt the girl or the girls hunt the boy?"

And then our heart stops for it is Opening Night and Rachel is wearing . . . The Kitty.  Over a dress, of course, but it is The Kitty nonetheless.   This is juxtaposed with flashbacks to the Life and Times of Rachel’s Contenders, which include (did we mention that we hate this episode):

Kenny the 35 year old professional wrestler with a 10 year old daughter.  We love him, as he is mellow.

Jack, a 31 year old lawyer from Texas, whose mother died when he was in high school.  Which has clearly led to poor life decisions like becoming a lawyer.

Alex, who is a 28 year old child yet paradoxically hot hot hot in a Hugh Jackman kind of way and also, of Russian heritage.  Though he was likely cast prior to January 21, we find his inclusion somehow fitting in light of Recent Political Events.

Mo, a 26 year old Indian man from San Francisco who dances Bollywood and whose biggest accomplishment is his tech start up.  
“Stereotype much ABC?”  whispers ABe.

This guy, Lucas, who basically screams “Wha boom” continuously and is so annoying that we simply stop taking Any of The Notes.
KMu:  “Wait, why is this guy single???”
We simply cannot figure it out.
Lucas is A Boob.  

Also, some man named Blake who is a personal trainer with 90210 hair and who talks continuously about his sexual prowess, but maintains that it’s important to have a relationship during the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of each day.

Diggy from Chicago.  He owns a lot of shoes.

Josiah, a prosecutor from Florida whose film clip has him saying “We’re gonna go after this guy.  He’s a bad guy.  We’re gonna get him off the street” on the phone.
KMu:  “That’s totally what prosecutors say all day long.”

On a more serious note, Josiah’s brother hung himself in the back yard when Josiah was 7 years old, Josiah cut him down, and then Josiah went on a binge committing crimes until he was 12 years old and decided to become a lawyer.  That was also totally This Author’s path to lawyerdom, including but not limited to Crimes of Fashion and also, working for church-affiliated organizations which, Let Us Tell You, which will send one hightailing it for a world with legal regulation as fast as one’s legs can go.

But we digress.

More on Point, KMu observes: “Oh man, that’s some hot chocolate there.”

Next up is the interlude where Our Heroine interacts with Castaways from Season Evil Nick.  We know none of these people, having boycotted said season.  Consequently, we dispassionately observe a group of stringy little girls with too much makeup and bad extensions, tearfully encouraging Rachel not to “judge anyone that comes in a costume” and also, “take your lawyer rage hat off.”

KMu: “Wait, where’s your lawyer rage hat KLo?  Oh right, its still on.”

And so it begins.  Chris Harrison is standing in the driveway with Rachel, noting that “some great guys have come from all over the country for you.”
“As have some awful ones,” says ABe.  “Some really, really terrible ones.”

This is why we hate this episode – too many lists and men and ugh.  So let’s just rip that bandaid off. 

1.  First out of the limo we have Peter, a business owner from Wisconsin in a plaid jacket.  Ooooo, we like Peter the First and feel things are off to a good start.

2. Josiah the prosecutor, who insists that she will have “no reasonable doubt” that he’s the man for her.
ABe: ‘Objection, calls for speculation.”
This Author:  “Objection, assumes facts not in evidence.”

3. Bryan the chiropractor, who is Columbian and, we reluctantly admit (all of us), super hot.  But he says “girrrrl, you in trouble” and we hate him for it.
KMu: “Did he just try to ‘hood talk her??”

4. Kenny the wrestler. He kisses Rachel’s hand and we love him.

5. A law student.  In fairness, this show IS a good networking opportunity for lawyers.

6. Some other guy.  Consulting Firm CEO from Chicago.

7. Bryce the firefighter, who sweeps Rachel off her feet.

8.  Steve Urkel a/k/a Will the sales manager.  We can’t keep track and don’t care.

Diggy.

9.  Kyle, in marketing in LA.  He wants to show her his Jamaican cheese buns.  We have no words.

10.  Blake, military.

11.  Zoolander, the male model who slings a sledge hammer to break the ice.

12. Dean go black/not back.

13.  Eric a personal trainer.

14.  DeMario, who is confident that Rachel will become his wife.  We are equally confident she will not, as her grammar is better than his.

15.  Also Blake, the 5 minute sexual prowess dude, playing the drums in a marching band.   Upon seeing 5 Minute Blake march up, Peter The First stresses that he should have done more to impress Rachel with his own intro (which was blessedly normal), and the entire BNU screams “No no n o no” in comfort of him.

We take a break from this parade of mostly Horribles to listen to the guys being amazed that RLind is both “smart AND hot.”
“You don’t see that combination,” says some dude.
Really?  REALLY?  Clearly these gentlemen have not lived long enough to encounter the BNU staff.  We are, each of us, S.P.E.C.T.A.C.U.L.A.R.

16. Demonstrating that hot and smart don’t always come in the same package (like they do in the BNU), we next meet Fred the executive assistant, who happened to attend third grade with our Heroine.  “He as a VERY bad kid,” says she.

17.  Jonathan, occupation “tickle monster” -- who grabs at Rachel around the middle in an attempt to tickle her.  Jonathan’s occupation would read “early retirement due to occupational hazard of punch to the throat,” if This Author were In Rachel’s shoes.

18.  Lee, a terrible country western singer.  “It’s like when you’re teaching, and you’re doing critiques of student work, and you get to the student that’s so bad you don’t know what to say.. . ” says ABe.  

19.  Alex the Russian.

20.  Adam, a real estate guy from France with a doll called “Adam Junior.”  We have no words, so we will provide a picture.

  

21.- 28.   Then we have a penguin named Matt, an ER doctor, an educator, a sales guy, and another attorney because oh right!  Attorneys love to date attorneys!   The Bollywood dancer, maybe another ER physician, and a guy who dumbfounds us all with this witticism: “the blacker the brownie, the sweeter the dude.”
KMu:  “Do you agree with that ABe?”
ABe:  “I have no response.”

29. Last but not least, we have The Boob (Whaboom guy).  With a bullhorn.  We hate him (All of Us).

Somehow, we think we missed two men in there, but who's counting. Let the cocktail party begin.  

Rachel gives a nice welcome speech about how she wants each of them to keep it real “100.”

KMu: “Actually you may not want that with some of them.”

But there is rushing in our ears because Gentle Readers, here is our thing: 

On Monday, this Tiny Author was at the Death Star Office in the Big City, going about Work Items before we left to perform yet more Work Items on a Satellite Moon the next day.   Only we made a tactical error in the wearing of linen pants to the Star which had been smooshed into our suitcase and then double smooshed into our thigh crevices and therefore, by the end of the day looked like this:

And yet, as we packed our belongings to make our bedraggled way home for the evening, we heard the tinkling of glass and teeth-sharpened, disembodied attorney laughter.   And lo, it was a Summer Associate Cocktail Party for All and Sundry.  In the nice suits and high heels for Good Impression Making By All Involved.  

Like a wilted Venetian fan, this Tiny Author was forced to scuttle her way through the Empire forces in their sharp suits and also, aspiring Storm Troopers, to escape the Death Star and restore ourselves at a Noodles & Company. 

Attorney cocktail parties are stressful.  Especially with unfortunate pants.

Yet here we are, at our second one of the week (albeit virtually), listening to Josiah the prosecutor makes the hard sell on his story of plucky street urchin arrest at age 12 followed by legal greatness, some guy whom we will love forever sums it up as “I’m a lawyer, and you’re a lawyer, and what’s the best case you ever solved.” 

We also learn that the law student made Rachel a trading card featuring herself.
ABe:  “And a mixed tape.” (also known as a “radio tape,” according to the infant that checked This Author into her hotel the other night). 

But then we feel more bad for RLind, who is completely, totally creeped out by Tiny Andrew, the Life Like Doll.
Kenny the wrestler:  “That doll’s fade is bad.”
RLind:  “I really don’t like dolls. It’s a thing.”
RLind: (reluctantly sits on the sofa with the doll).
Tiny Andrew: (speaking French):  “You ignite a fire in me  . . . “
KMu:   “This is like every girl who is afraid to fly and gets sent on a helicopter date.  Rachel probably wrote in her thing that she’s afraid of dolls and ABC was like, “All right folks, who wants to bring one?”

Suddenly, the Columbian Chiropractor (Bryan) has whisked Rachel away into a corner where he is confessing that at age 37, he has no intention of wasting her time.  And then he goes for it.  And this kiss is the TOP 10 WORST KISSES EVER WITNESSED BY THE BNU.  We are screaming.  ABe is screaming.  KMu is screaming.  It is like two geese fighting over a Tasty Treat, or that video of couple that saved their first kiss for marriage going that made the rounds a few years ago. 

There is a reason you’re supposed to do this behind the bike rack in Junior High, people.

We have not sufficiently recovered before DeMario is asking Rachel whether she prefers Back Street Boys or NSync, and some other guy is GROWLING at her (which she says on no uncertain terms is NOT her thing), and then Mo the Indian start-up guy is so drunk that he keeps two-stepping towards and away from her as she talks to other men.  Further, The Boob is continuing to scream “WhaBoom” everywhere and talk through his Bull Horn, narrating her time with Peter the First. 

Says someone, for All Of Us:  “He’s a nut case, did you guys drug test.”  Unfortunately, 5 Minute 

Blake decides to “call him out” because what better thing to do with A Boob then to give him center stage.   So they go off to talk about how he’s not there for the “right reasons.”
ABe:  “Why are you challenging him over this?”

As the night fades to morning, Josiah the Prosecutor grates on our nerves by picking up and wearing the First Impression Rose.  Meanwhile, Kenny  (who we have since learned has the wrestling name Pretty Boy Pit Bull Kenny King”) Speaks The Truth:
“If she picks WhaBoom, we all need to reexamine what we think is fly.’

But in the end, Rachel gives her first impression rose to Goose, apparently because he kissed her “so well.” 

Rachel:  “I feel something unexplainable.”
KMu (whispering in the Spanishes):  “inexplicable.”

As Goose tries to make it a double for the night, Drunk Mo, Speaking For the Field tells them:  “Noooooo.  Keep your mouth away!!!!”

In any event, we like Peter the First better.  And The Russian.  And Kenny.  These are our top three at the moment, but will they be picked Gentle Readers?  YES.  YES THEY WILL. 

Getting roses to join Goose this Evening are:
2. Peter the First!!!!
3.  Will (one of the many sales people)
4. Jack the lawyer
5. Jamey
6.  Iggy the Asian Pacific Islander.  KMu queries, “So there’s an Iggy and a Diggy???”
7.  Jamey.  Oopsie we wrote it down wrong.  Oh well we will figure it out next week.
8.  Eric
9.  DeMario, who is way too chatty.
10.  Jonathan the Tickle Monster.  Cut. Him.
11. Bryce the Firefighter. 
12.  The Russian!!!
13.  Kenny!!!
14.  Dean Go Black/Not Back guy.
15.  A guy dressed as a penguin (Matt?)
16.  Anthony.
17.  Zoolander.
18.  Josiah the Prosecutor.  Blech.
19.  Lee.
20.  Diggy.
21.  Fred, the guy from third grade.
22.  Adam.  Without his creepy little doll body double.
23.   Five Minute Blake, aaaaaand
24.  The Boob.   Who screams “WhaBoom.”  We conclude that ABC made her do it because there is no more annoying person on this earth.

Milton the growler cries.  “I bought a bunch of outfits I got to wear.  I didn’t even get to show them off.”

Having gotten through the worst episode of the entire season, we are gifted with a preview of the Delights ABC Has In Store: essentially, a great deal of kissing in Sweden.  All we care about is that we spied Peter the First, so he’s still In the Game for at least another couple weeks.

Stay tuned, babies.  We will Get You Through.

KLo 

  

Fifty Shades Darker: Part Teensy Time Delay

Sorry Sorry Sorry BUT

Like a thong bodysuit, babies we must Stand Erect In the Breach a few days until this Tiny Author, who is inundated with Work Items Involving Travel, can get back home and reunite with the BNU to watch this season's horrors unfold.  

We aim for this FRIDAY for the first blog.  Because Work Items and also, Grown Up Stuff.