PLo Part 8: This show is DEAD TO ME.

We begin this final bachelor news update with trembling fingers and a heavy heart, which not even our allotted two beers can uplift. We first see a summary of Sadie and Jen's dates through-the-ages with PLo, culminating for like the third time with PLo in John Travolta's white suit, telling Jen on their first big date that she got the rose. Our teeth ache from her inane chatter.

Flash to the present: PLo's mom and dad have come to Italy to help him pick his bride. Okay, so we love these two, even though they really look like the mob in that movie with Michele Pfiefer and her big hair. We want to kiss his father's ring. We want to calm the hair wings sprouting from either side of his mother's head. The Mom tells PLo about a ring she has commissioned as a family ring for him to give, and PLo tells them what he likes about the two remaining women. Jen radiates goodness and he loves everything about her. She is strong and independent (WTF). She also brushes her teeth really hard with her lips completely closed. And we hate her top, which is this long pink t-shirty thing with a giant knot at the bottom, just to make sure that whatever muffin top escapes when she sits down will be captured.

Jen comes over for lunch, and The Mom reads her palm. We suddenly realize that The Mom is kind of the crazy free spirit for the family in her stretch pants and dangly earrings, and we love her. According to Jen's palm, she is a daddy's girl with lots of positive things ahead in her future. We are only concerned about her "now" as she waddles back to the car at the end of this date like gumby on stilts, waiting to release a giant poot until away from the cameras.

Sadie (Team Sadie!!) then swings by for dinner with PLo's family. This viewer's sister calls to say her dress is that horrible Houndstooth print that she spent years of her youth trying to escape. We personally like said dress, though concede MC Escher's influence. At any rate, Sadie's palm reading reveals that her head rules her heart, which is the opposite of Jen. Ooo, but both are pisces. And both Sadie and Jen say that they are more outgoing and strong than the other person. Ooo.

Then, The Mom gets this COMPLETELY BRILLIANT idea to invite all of the parents to Italy and throw everyone together "like a stew." This is completely awesome because PLo is having a silent cow yet cannot tell The Mom that her idea is terrible out of respect. So we see the parents arriving, lots of shrieking from Jen and Sadie, and then everyone driving over to the castle. We put the afghan over our head. And we are glad we did, as our eyes are accosted by Sadie in khaki culots and high heels. This viewer has already expressed her views of The Culot: source of all childhood suffering, ignorant second-cousin of the pant, unflatterer of woman curves. We are very, very disappointed to see Sadie's choice. But we are forced to forgive her in light of Jen's greater sin: a huge, hot pink mumu of a sundress, fringed with spazz: "OmygodIcan'tbelievethesepeoplemightbemyinlawsand
wecanspendThanksgivingandChristmasandholidaystogetherandeverything!!!!"

The brunch thrown by PLo's mom only makes us burrow into our trusty afghan further. Jen's dad Dennis tells the camera "You just brought the enemy to the door. I don't know whether to pull my sword and charge or be nice." We really do not like this man and his droning about their "baby girl" in his faded voice. If we close our eyes, we are fairly certain that he is actually the original Bill Clinton as played by that Darryl person on SNL. Both moms discover they are guidance counselors. Both dads have glasses and beards. Sadie is rightfully annoyed that everyone keeps talking about how awkward it is. Dennis tells PLo that on PLo and Jen's 5th anniversary, they can all talk about how they met Sadie's family and yeah, she's the girl that came in second. Sadie (and all of us) look cheesed. We do not like Dennis, no we do not.

The next day, PLo asks both dads for their blessing to marry their daughters. After giant pauses, both men say yes and then run back to their families, who get all giddy and excited. Jen says PLo has "husband written all over him." We become depressed.

Finally, PLo has his last dates with the women. He takes Sadie sailing, followed by dinner. She gives him a little book filled with lots of momentos from their time together, including a list Sadie made a long time ago of what she deserves in a mate. We silently weep, as we know she will regret giving that list away if she is axed.

Jen, on the other hand, goes horseback riding with PLo, which we conclude is just an excuse for PLo to put his hand straight up her crotch while "assisting" her onto the horse. We, once again, hate her long yellow t-shirty spandexy tank-toppy top, but are thankful that it is not pink for once. A hurricane is brewing during dinner on this date, which is burgers on the grill and a side of irritation: "OhmygodIcouldreallySEEmyselfinNewYork,youknow?Icouldseemyself movingthere andeverything!!!!)

And then it is The Day. PLo goes to pick up the ring, and ding dong we decide that one of the designers should be the next bachelor. But sadly, we do not see him, or his flowing locks, again. But we DO get to see Sadie's dress, which is completely awesome in its white, flowing, JLo-red carpet knock-off-ness. And unfortunately, we are forced to see Jen's: a black number so coated in sequins that it should not be worn by anyone except perhaps Star Spangler on The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team or else Britney Spears.

And then Sadie gets out of the limo first. We hurl curses into the musty air of our apartment. PLo tells her that on her list, she said she deserved to be with a guy who can't fathom being with anyone else, and then says that he'd rather be with another woman. Sadie (and all of us on Team Sadie) start to cry. She says she wants him to be happy, ans so she's trying her best to be mature and gracious. He says some awkward things about his feelings being real that only makes things worse, and Sadie rides off in the limo.

We decide that Sadie must meet Matthew from Season Meredith and live happily ever after.

We want to turn the television off as our sister has done, but we cannot. We are forced to watch PLo tell Jen that he loves her and everything about her, and give her the family ring. Although, he says, he can't marry her because he needs to know if the love that is real in Italy also will be real in the United States. She yammers on about seeing herself as a NYC girl, and we endure a slo mo review of their relationship, as seen through the eyes of ABC.

This show is dead to us. We only hope to recover our Bachelor enthusiasm in time for the spring, when our new bachelor, a Navy doctor who "gosh darnit is ready to find a wife" tries his hand at the game.

Peace.

PLo Part 7: At Least She Didn't Win Immunity

This viewer's congratulations go out to audience member #25, the only guy in the entire group watching "The Women Tell All" on stage who was totally outed as a bachelor fan on national television. Well played, ABC. Way to create an illusion of a bi-gender viewing audience by repeatedly showing the same man.

We are fairly certain that fashion has left us behind as our eyes behold the scorned damsels. Drunken Kim is wearing a huge green ruff that seriously looks like the neck-part-of-the-blouse part of an interview suit from the 1970s. Le Ca has a pink furry top, a pink glittery skirt, pink high heels, and a tiara. Desiree....oh, THAT's what happened to Jennifer Beals tuxedo top in Flashdance after the set auction for charity/she's apparently the only one to wear those Victoria's Secret suits. Agnese, despite having a dress completely cut up to her nonexistent hail damage, looks fabulash in a red kleenex. But Jamie needs to reconsider the black crochet. Having survived several ill-fated crochet episodes herself, this viewer can firmly say nay to crochet.

"Once you Get to Know Me, I'm Not as Crazy as you Think."
We believe that Lisa's interview with Chris Harrison possibly has yielded the Best Pick Up Line Ever. But seriously, WTF with her Wilma red necklace. Between the concert glow stick worn her Final Hour and this, we are beginning to wonder if Lisa would not be more comfortable in pastel colors, standing before a mirror in her mother's heels. And then we remember that she owns a house. We stand humbled on our apartment carpet, from which the dog hair from the prior owner will not come out of the corners despite repeated sweepings.

Chris H. interviews Jamie next. We are sad when we see her final date at the Italian opera, where she had no idea that she was going to get the axe because (augh) she was like dancing with PLo's sister. But then it hits us: the opera singer who we previously could not adequately describe is actually that 45ish actor that keeps popping up on different Lifetime and ABC Family movies (which of course this viewer never watches. Even if they are romances.), like the one with Catherine Heigl as the destitute woman on the prairie who is taken in by the widowed man with a young girl who doesn't take schooling seriously until Catherine comes along and shows her that reading is fun. Or the one where this doctor comes back to her hometown for a high school reunion and re-falls in love with her high school sweetheart, who has a young son that is mysteriously sick but who the doctor cures in a very dramatic way right at the end of the movie.
Anyway, the singer reminds us of that guy. Though we wouldn't know for sure.

But we decide that Le Ca is dead to us, when she tells Jamie that she shouldn't compare herself to a prostitute by saying that her opera date was like Pretty Woman. We soon learn that Le Ca only knows one big word: prostitute. Which she sprinkles liberally on the women. You know, because she's so much more classy than them.

Agnese and Le Ca take each other on in Agnese's interview, which morphs into a giant moment with Le Ca. While we have banned Le Ca from the Bachelor News Update so obnoxious is she, we are honor bound to relay this interview for the sake of Bacheloristic integrity:

According to Le Ca, Agnese is "Skagnese" because she is "like a little prostitute." Because, you know, that's the same thing as calling someone "crazy and ugly," which is what Agnese allegedly called her. Oh, and Le Ca was definately nervous going into her double date with Agnese and PLo because he had already kissed Agnese. AND she was humiliated to not get a rose, but will give herself one anyway because she is perfect. PLo, you see, has a "prince charming complex" and wants to find someone from a "lesser" background to lift out. But let's not worry about her--she has lots of friends who can't wait to hang out with her. And no, she is not a spoiled brat, although she did try to upgrade her plane ticket with her daddy's money but ABC wouldn't let her.

In summary, Le Ca is pretty sure that the Bachelor is like Survivor, since she didn't have a maid and her room was so small and she had to live with all these other women. We are pretty sure that we would feel the same way if we roomed with Le Ca, so really, her analogy is not that far off.

Finally, PLo comes out and tells us that he didn't pick anyone. He says, in the style of this viewer's friend KMu: I'm so glad that I did this [thank god it's over]. I've met some great people along the way [so don't get your hopes up that I picked anyone, audience member #25]. This is a great opportunity to fall in love [see, I told you I didn't]. I was surprised how many women I became emotionally attached to [No one really stood out for me]. Though I didn't pick any of you [because you are all batshit crazy or else too independent for my tastes], I am very happy with the result [But if I had to pick someone, I probably picked Jen just because she'd let me sleep with her].

We have a few painful questions from the ladies, which are only worth mentioning because PLo puts the smack down on Le Ca: "You think the commonality between us is money. But it's values. For this to work, you would have to be a completely different person." See batshit, supra.

Stay tuned for the two hour season finale next week, when PLo sings "it's a damn cold night" while walking alone up a darkened alley a la Avril LaVigne, crying.

K.

PLo Part 6: Team Sadie

Bachelor Episode 6 really dings the Ick meter as PLo heads out for his three "Romantic Fantasy Dates" with his three remaining ladies: Jen, Lisa, and Sadie.

In Goteburg, Sweden with Jen, we conclude that We're Not Gonna Take It, in the words of Meatloaf. Or at least, that we can't take anymore of this without jumping into the television a la Austin Powers going back two minutes in time, grabbing Jen, throwing a Cindarella costume on her, and taking her back to the Disney Theme Park from whence she escaped.

As she tinkles and gasps at him, we are not suprised that PLo feels like he's "the only person around" when he's with Jen. On a more practical level, we also note that such feelings are natural, as PLo and Jen appear to be the only people at the amusement park where their date begins. Of course, PLo is concerned that Jen will not open up to him (WHAT?). But Jen treats us, dear viewers, with sterling commentary on the depth of her heart: "Itsjustsogreattoseehimandhe'sSOhandsomeIfeellikeI'mfallingforhim
andIhavetojustlayitout." In the bowels of an ice bar (which, incidentally, is one of this viewer's dreams. That is, to stay in an ice hotel. Not to be in its bowels.), she "lays it out" as promised, eagerly volunteering to move to New York for him. Over dinner, she says she's been in love twice. At age 16 (why, Why WHY) and in college. And now she's ready to get married and have kids because of those experiences.

The date ends at the Fantasy Suite, also apparently called "Thorskoggs Slot." I'm just going to let that one sink in. She says "ooo! strawberries!" when presented with this Not-A-Date-Food, and the camera fades out in while they are in the hot-tub, following her excited commentary that PLo was "wearing a bathing suit!"

We wonder if Jen's dad has a tranquilizer gun in his collection.

Date #2 is in Budapest with Lisa. We glean two things from this date: 1) She is a homeowner. This fact is particularly difficult for this viewer to accept, as we came home late from work and had to park in the scary parking lot beside the 1970 wood panel station wagon with "the Club" on the steering wheel, and 2) that she is wearing the Ugliest Dress in Budapest.

Lisa shows up in this day-glo pink and yellow Floral/Coral piece of offensiveness, topped off with a matching pink necklace suspiciously like those glowing concert thingies small children put around their necks. We hate this dress. Almost so much that we miss her commentary that her hometown date went soooo well and now she is ready to fall in love because her parents and dog approve. We make a mental note to ask our stuffed Ewok if we can date our boyfriend. Fortunately, PLo breaks our reverie with a reminder that he was terrified by the bridal ensemble from that date.

So Lisa flashes her dress to clear a path through the wine tasting festival where they are walking, and then they go for dinner. Lisa, surprise surprise, also has been in love twice. Once in college, and once with this guy she hooked up with while dating love #1 and then broke up with three weeks before she applied for the Bachelor. But she then says that she was hoping to find love on the Bachelor, even though former Bachelor Dr. Spork was "hot, but a total tool" and Andy Firestone was "kind of sleazy." PLo asks why she went on a show if she though the previous Bach was a "tool" (good point), for which she has no good reason. She then balks on moving from Portland to New York, so we know she is Toast. And finally, she accepts the Fantasy Suite card and we fade out to them talking awkwardly with all body parts crossed away from each other on some white and red love seat/bed thingy as if pretending to interview each other for Barbara Walters.

Finally, we get to Date #3 with Sadie in Sicily at a day spa. We start to get irritated at ABC that they can't get past the "will the virgin take the Fantasy Suite card" 1 cent question, and we give props to Sadie for presenting herself with style. PLo and Sadie go scuba diving in the pool, and then have a couples massage. After a moment to collect herself and a promise from PLo that he just wants to talk to her off-camera, Sadie agrees to go to the fantasy suite. The last thing we see is them walking down this weirdly-lit path (which would completely screw with one if one was tipsy) to sit in front of a fire. We see so little of this date that we are hopeful PLo picks her in the end.

And soon, it is time for the Rose Ceremony, a/k/a the Oreo show. Lisa has struck out again with dress #2, a white shapeless hangy thing with a drawstring around the biggest part of the hips, sandwiched between the blackly-clad Jen and Sadie. Not surprisingly, she gets the axe. But PLo doesn't let her go Quietly Into the Night. Oh no, he has to be a jackass and tell her she is stunning, gorgeous, but he HAS TO TELL HER WHY HE DUMPED HER. Of course, they then exchange harsh words about her Plan for Marriage and have some random awkward tiff about her statement that she came on the Bachelor to have fun. Oh, we want to die of shame and consequently watch Lisa drive off through the holes in our afghan.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All. We hear it is the Return of Le 'Ca.

K

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

While we are a redneck woman (ain't no high class broad), the Country Music Awards have no business keeping this viewer from her prince (Hell Yeah). Alas, we have no choice in the matter. We must comfort ourselves with the Rocky Road Ice Cream left over from our boyfriend - even though it is fluffy - until next week.