Desiree WSBB Part 10: Peter Pan Man

So the BNU was derailed last night, with ABe loving Others More than KMu and This Viewer, and This Viewer Hiding Our Face from All of Humanity.  And so, in the wee hours of this morning, armed with our tankard of tea (black) and half-awakened thoughts (full of bitterness), we watched the Bachelorette. Stone. Cold. Sober.  And it was not pretty.

We began what Chris Harrison promised to be the "television event of the summer" with a look back on Desiree's "journey" and hopes and dreams for her "fairy tale ending to come true."  In case we've forgotten them, we are reminded that she is left with Chris, whose poems are terrible but whose legs are Better Than This Viewers in high heels.  Ah, and then there is Drew, whose main contribution to Desiree's journey is kissing.  Aaand, last but not least, there is Brooks Brothers, with whom she sees a future.  He "doesn't have to" tell Desiree that he loves her, because she "just knows."   Oh dear.

Just like that, we run off to Antigua for date #1 with Drew, in a local spot called "Betty's Hope."  We think this sounds like an Amish Romance.  "Betty's Hope: Torn between Isaiah and Isaac, Betty longs for a future and a family," or more likely for this date, "Betty's Hope:  In which poor Betty is cautiously optimistic that Josef is merely admiring the neighbor-boy's haymaking technique and not ogling his backside."

ANYWAY, Betty and Drew are going to go exploring Antigua, and this time, he gets to drive!  He stops frequently to give her kisses, they take pictures at Willoughby Bay (Jane Austen just turned over in her grave), and then they end their little trip at "Shirley Heights," which is apparently the Cabrini Green of Antigua because there are (*gasp*) black people there.  And also, maracas, and souvenirs, and steel drums which fill This Viewer With Rage.   A local craftperson fashions a rose and a heart out of reeds, and then suddenly there is a limbo contest (because that is supposedly what black people do for entertainment.  We can hear ABe's outrage from across the miles).  And then this happens, as Desiree leads Drew down a weedy path:
Drew:  "Are we going to a secret garden?!?"
That's later tonight, baby.

Blah blah they kiss on a cliff, eat pineapple, his hair doesn't move, they talk about how sincere he is and how he cannot stop kissing her, and he admits that he "hopes tonight is the night . . . ."  to tell her that he loves her. GAH.  And as God is shining down upon him, their dinner on the beach is rained out, leading them to . . The Fantasy Suite for dinner.  But they apparently don't bother to eat, for lo, she "feels the love coming from his lips."  We can only hope that eventually said love leads to pantslessness, as she is wearing the ugliest pajama pants on the planet (which is saying something, considering the Pajama Pants Currently Adorning This Viewer), with stripper heels. We hate these pants (hers, not Ours).

As this date fades to black, Drew instructs the camera men to leave.  But before they do, he confesses his love to her and wants to know where she's at.  In response to which, Desiree goes off on a tangent about her prior boyfriend and how he was a bad communicator.  We are pretty sure that is not really the response a Gentleman Caller wishes to receive upon making A Declaration.  Regardless, the door is shut behind them and the lights soon go out.

But there is Trouble in Paradise. Or technically, Boise, Idaho.   Brooks Brothers has been "spending a lot of time thinking" about his options of either telling Desiree that he loves her or that he doesn't, so he has flown to Boise to visit with his mother and a sister that looks like Angelica Houston.  He loves his relationship with Desiree because she is "such a sweet, sweet, person."  But, he is "uncomfortable with the idea of proposing. "  He "wants to be" in love, and is trying very hard to be so.
"Dude," says Ms. Houston, "You already know where your head and heart are.  You just have to say it out loud."
"But how shall I tell her?" queries Brooks Brothers.
"You just have to be honest," says mom.
"Pfdafdas" says BB.

With stormclouds on the horizon, we race back to Antigua for a date with Chris. W.T.F. is Desiree wearing?  It is a crochet bikini VEST.  With STROOBLES hanging down:

This Viewer's sister, SHa, once wore a neon purple leotard, fish nets, biker boots, and a black mini-vest with fringe swinging down to her ankles to high school.  She was like Lady Gaga before there was a Lady Gaga.  But this, THIS travesty that Desiree is wearing, is more like Desiree ran out of clothes, so she emptied the macrame fruit basket hanging in the kitchen and put it on as top.  And then coupled it with the Tan Chinos that Our Mothers (All of Them) made us wear when we were young.  

Chris is unphased.  We like him, despite ourselves, and despite the fact that their date is a giant Carbon Footprint of No, which includes a helicopter ride over Antigua and a picnic at a deserted beach.  He is excited that "her and I are starting to share feelings.  . . of love . . .together."  They spread out their picnic blankets, toast to "Antigua, beaches," talk about his family visit, and then make out at the edge of the water, with the surf rushing over them. 

This Viewer thinks about sand and chafing. 

At dinner, Chris admits that this has been the best two months of his life, and they talk about the future.  He apparently has found a job that he is excited about in Seattle, and is wondering whether she would mind moving there with him.  He actually handles it quite well, and emphasizes that this is a two way street and that he is not just expecting her to move wherever he goes.  She says she would be open to moving, which we don't believe.  We have decided that he will most certainly get the axe because he has had (1) an adult conversation, and (2) handled himself well. 

He, like Drew, jumps at the chance to spend time in Le Suite Fantasie, which turns out to be an awesome little cabana that This Viewer is totally going to live in when she Retires From the World, Possibly Tomorrow.  And then Chris ruins it by bringing out a poem which begins "It's exciting to see where this journey has taken us. "  And also, says "journey" at least two more times before the end. 

So to recap where we are right now, Desiree has two guys who are totally into her (allegedly), but she likes the Peter Pan. 

Speak of the devil:  Creepy carousel music begins as Desiree gets ready for her third and final date in Antigua, with Brooks Brothers.  She chatters about how excited she is to see him, and about how she has "deeper feelings" for Brooks than either of the other guys left, as we witness her get "dressed."  Babies, the swimsuit is fine, and the white micro-shorts would only have been worn by This Viewer in her Ballet Days, but let's discuss the top.  It is like a hairdresser's smock, only cut wider on top and hung lopsided off her back.   And also, it is tie dye.  Again, We Hate This Top.  

But we're supposed to be paying attention because Chris Harrison is now talking to Brooks Brothers: 

"Everything in my head says 'this is it,'" says Brooks Brothers, "But my heart doesn't feel it."  

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE DREW, screams This Viewer. 

But Brooks Brothers is not finished, for he "feels like I'm falling in love in some moments" with Desiree, but otherwise doesn't really feel it, and doesn't really want to jump into a proposal without all the stars lining up.  Queries Chris:  "Are you not sure, or are you not in love? Because hey, if you're not sure, why don't you just get busy in the Fantasy Suite?" [Ok, that last part was from KMu, across the interwebs]. 

"Erm," says Brook Brothers. 

"So let's just make this painfully clear to EVERYONE," says Chris:  "You are not in love.  And you are not going to be in love." 

"Erm," says Brooks Brothers. 

Concludes Chris:  "Well, as a man, you know this is the conversation you must have with Desiree." 

"Chris Harrison, on Manhood," mutters KMu via email. 

And then basically, the final half an hour of the show is a boring trainwreck of Peter Panitude.  Brooks Brothers meets Des for their date and then walks her out to the edge of a pier.  Well, that's symbolic.  He then confesses that he really likes her, but that he doesn't love her.  Oh yeah, and she's really awesome, but between every date he has to remind himself what he's excited about.  And then he attempts to comfort her while she does the Ugly Cry.  And then he claims he didn't know all of this about himself until "just now."  Except for the warning signs he was feeling in Madiera.  And then he sits awkwardly with his hands in his hair, while she does more of the Ugly Cry into her knees, tells him that she loves him and that he was going to be The One, etc. 

And then THIS happens:  

Brooks Brothers:  "I was surprised  by the love she has for me.  I didn't want to leave her."  

And also: "I'm second-guessing myself. This is the worst day of my life." 

And then this: "Oh, thee were those special moments we had together!  I miss them already!"

GDamn F*cking Peter Pan Man. 

They cry together through two commercial breaks (this Viewer gets more tea), he finally realizes that maybe he cannot comfort a person whose heart he has just broken, and takes his leave.   

She cries. 

He cries some more. 

We drink our tea and kill bugs in our house. 

Babies, we end with a cliffhanger, awaiting next week's Two Hour Finale Extravaganza Before A Live Viewing Audience," In which Desiree confesses that she just can't love the two remaining contestants as much as she loves Brooks Brothers, and for her. . .it is over."

-KLo.

Desiree WSBB Part 9: The Men Tell All

"I've never done a proper cartwheel in my life," confesses KMu as we sit down for The Episode that we all dread.  "My friend broke her wrist when we began trying to do cartwheels at like, age 5, and I never tried again.  It's not like seeing that put me off of cartwheels from like, ages 5-7.  No, it was like For All Eternity."  And babies, that is How This Viewer Feels.  The Men Tell/Women Tell/All/Some/The Bits No One Cares About is like the broken wrist that should put us all Off Of This Godforsaken Show forever, and yet it does not.

We reluctantly begin with Desiree WSBB and Chris Harrison crashing "viewing parties" all over LA and then "on the road," which is really just an excuse to go look in on prior contestants:  Big Daddy and Molly Who Will Not Age Well,  the Dentist and J.P., Trista and Ryan.  Chris Harrison says "For 26 seasons. . . " and then we stop listening because the following occurs all at once:
ABe:  "Even everyone in the viewing audience is white."
KMu:  "Note that no one is in these "viewing parties" is wearing their fat pants.  Everyone is all dressed up."
This Viewer:  [in her fat pants, eating ice cream] "Oh my god, I have been writing about this show for almost 13 years??????"

We suddenly feel that our youth has been robbed.

And then a little more of our soul dies, because we are now watching a pre-filmed segment in which Desiree WSBB is having a little chat with The Big Fedotowsky, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist.   And they are giving her advice on how to deal with "bad boys" on the Men Tell All Episode.
The Big Fedotowsky has dyed her hair a grayish white.
Dolly Pemily is muttering something about "you know, just. like. every. body."
The Dentist is saying nothing.
And ABe wants to know the following;  "Wait, they are talking about the men who are going to be telling all, and what to tell the men?  Is this really happening???"

And then finally, ABC stops all the pre-taped nonsense, and we get to meet the men live.  Basically, there are a bunch whom we don't remember, Hot Dan who left too soon, Caesar, Juan Ton (The crowd goes wild!!!! We go wild in at the BNU Hq!!!), Abs, and a bunch of assholes.

In Regency House Party, a/k/a the best reality show ever, Mr. Gorrell Barnes invites several young fashionable men and eligible young ladies (plus chaperones) to come a'courting and perchance fall in love during a house party staged in about 1808.  And while nothing terribly interesting happens amongst the young ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Foxworthy has a torrid affair with Mrs. Davenport, a chaperone easily 20 years his senior,  this idiot of a woman is weepily caught between Mr. John Everett and a traveling musician, and there is spectacular row after spectacular row between the chaperones, culminating in a fight with broken dishes between Hostess Rogers and Mrs. Enright.  Arms are grabbed, contemporary names are called, and written apologies are demanded.

And that is basically the Men Tell All:  A bunch of old women shouting "how dare you impugn my honor!!!" and demanding apologies from each other.

But we get ahead of ourselves.  First, Chris Harrison randomly calls on the men where they are seated.  Abs explains that he had no expectations, that it was very easy to fall in love, and that he would do it again in a heartbeat.  Juan Ton is his usual moderate self about the drama in the house, commenting that he's accustomed to different personalities and you just have to deal with it. Hot Fuzz starts yipping about the drama, and then we see a bunch of film caps of Desiree WSBB wearing skimpy clothing.
"Dude, they're trying to sex her up," protests ABe.
Nonsensically, we then get an apology from Jonathan the lawyer for being so skeevy on the first night, talk about how Brian who had the girlfriend was too chickenshit to come on this show and ruined Hashtag's 1:1 date with Desiree because of all his drama (yes THAT is why Desiree didn't pick you, HashTag) .. . aaaaand, Juan Pablo is once again called upon by Chris Harrison to speak.

We begin to get excited that ABC is grooming Juan Ton for the next Bachelor.  Gentle readers, if that were to occur, . . well, we can't think about it, so excited are we at the possibility.

And then it all comes crashing down when Hostess Rogers and Mrs. Enright are turned loose on each other.
Namely, John Boy takes the hot seat.  We are forced to see him and his international male tank top, Mikey T attacks him, Juan Ton notes that he was taken aback when John Boy claimed he was "not here to make friends" the very first night, and suddenly Hot Dan is attacking John Boy about his son and revealing that the son's mother randomly found Hot Dan in Vegas and told her that John Boy cheated on some prior girlfriend with the mother or some such thing, and there is yelling and if we squint we can see arms being grabbed and dishes being thrown, and you know what, we have Had Enough.

But Chris Harrison wants to know "what about the other dads on this show?"  And then Abs is talking up Juan Ton, and how he mentioned his daughter in nearly every conversation and was clearly an active parent.  Yup, he is in running to be the next bachelor.

But before we get enough of a Juan-Tonlicious break, we are back in the drama with Beefy James in the hot seat.  Babies, this Viewer cannot even begin to describe how very, very long this segment was and how very, very much it repeated everything that had gone before.  HashTag is like a dog with a bone on the issue of The Goblin King, His Intentions, and His Conversation about being the next bachelor.  At one point, Mikey T stands up and screams at HashTag.  And blahdy blahdy blah.

This segment may be summarized as follows: [bleep].

But then yes, yes, Juan Ton is taking the hot seat!! "Let's get to know this fan favorite" says Chris Harrison, and we simultaneously think "yes yes, let's do" and also "this could go terribly wrong because we don't actually know this guy at all!!"  We see his best moments, including in a speedo (le sigh), his speech about looking for a woman who dances and would love his daughter, and then we watch him getting cut and This Viewer KIDS YOU NOT, women are CRYING in the viewing audience.

Juan Ton explains that he came to this show because he wanted to find someone that loved him, but loved his daughter more.  That he has difficulty dating because he has his daughter on weekends, when most people are off.  That he is not the stereotypical "latin."  And that he is 32, so he wants a family, to have more children, to settle down, and to find someone to eat breakfast with and go to the movies.

Babies, and we have The Next Bachelor.  Or at least, it's basically his to lose.

And then Abs takes the "hot seat" (we hate that name), and the BNU staff all agree that if Juan Ton has any competition, it is Abs.  So Chris Harrison makes Abs view "his love affair and what went wrong" in a series of video clips. Then Abs talks about how hard it was to say goodbye, and how hard it is to find a partner in real life because, as a fluid engineer, he is spending half the year on a rig in the middle of the ocean.

And then we learn that the journal that he gave Desiree WSBB (you know, the one KMu and ABe thought was creepy but this viewer secretly loved) had a poem written in invisible ink at the back.  "Do you know if Desiree ever read it?" asks Chris Harrison.  And then when Abs says he does not, the Harrison gleefully reads it ot the entire viewing audience.  And it is actually Not Terrible.  In fact, it is probably better than anything that Chris or Desiree have written and forced All of Us to listen to every damn episode.

So then Desiree WSBB comes out in some shiny dress.   And when she starts talking about "Bad Boys," we stop listening.  Instead, we are fascinated by KMu's throw pillow:
"It  is like little mitochondria!!" say we.
"Dude, I have not thought about that word since 10th grade," says KMu.

Then Desiree WSBB is talking to Juan Pablo about how sincere she could tell he was.  He teasingly asks her why he didn't get a 1:1 date, and she says "I still think you are muy caliente and that other women would think so too."  Yup, the next bachelor.

And then Abs is popping up and announcing that he has written a song.  O.M.G.  Someone hands him a guitar, and he starts channeling Vince Gill, and it goes something along the lines of:
It hurts the most to say goodbye
When all your love is just [something]
And when you leave with other guys
Love can dig a hole before your eyes
And we're moving on. . . I'm moving on . .

And here is our thing (All of Us).  This song is actually kind of good.  But this Viewer would probably start screaming if the next bachelor was continuously breaking into song.  We would, however, accept A Musical as the format for the next bachelor, provided everyone has to sing.

Well darlings, the next two weeks are a Double Feature Season Finale. And ABe is leaving us because she Loves Others More.  So KMu and I will hold down the fort during what Chris Harrison promises to be "the Most Dramatic Season Finale Ever."

We secretly think that Drew and Brooks Brothers run off with each other.  

-KLo

Desiree WSBB Part 8: Meh.

We know that we are supposed to love Home Town Dates, but we confess that Desiree WSBB Part 8 is very boring.  Somewhere between grocery store sushi (which was terrible -- why are they making nutty brown rice sushi now? WHY???) and dark chocolate double dipped malt balls (making everything better), we already started the dates with Abs in his hometown of Dallas.  Shit shit shit we are not paying attention, likely because Desiree WSBB is wearing a turquoise faux leather jacket that is Hatred.  Itself.

She and Abs are walking through a park, and Abs is saying something about being born in this park and then raised by squirrels.  He is excited for Desiree WSBB to meet his sister, because "her and I are close."  Dear Abs, she is close.  You are close.  She and you are close.  GRAMMAR. RAGE.

Anyway, Abs tells Desiree about a dream he had.  They were laying in the sand, and it was so hot that they were melting into it. And then it started snowing, and then there were cups, and then 100s of children came out of nowhere. . .  and then he just stops.
"Wait.  We don't get to hear how the dream ends?" asks KMu." There was sand, then melting, then snow, then cups, then children, then????"

Babies, on Friday night this viewer had a dream that her husband was violently dismembered by vampires in the front lawn of an apartment complex.  While he was warned in advance that he would likely be a target of said vampires (because, according to them, "he had pissed a few of them off"), that knowledge was no less traumatic or horrible For This Viewer.   And so we don't give a Billy Be Damned about Abs and his dream. In fact, we may Never. Sleep. Again.

A Sno Cone truck shows up and suddenly everything makes sense.  Abs says he wants Desiree to join the family business, which apparently is driving a sno cone truck, and off they go to Tree Tops Elementary School.
Gentle Readers, Abs just asked Desiree if she would come be a Carnie with him.   Romance is apparently Not Dead in America, and can still be a-kindled over a double deep fried oreo and a heaping side of Shame.
But Desiree WSBB is touched, and immediately gets to work scooping Sno Cones for hundreds of children while Abs stands around watching in an apron a/k/a talking with them.  And then he shows up 5 minutes later in a penguin suit for the kids.

"The Penguin is my boyfriend," Desiree tells the children.
"MWAHAHHAHHAHHAAA," says one smart little girl.
"That little girl just summed up this entire f*cking show" says KMu.

So despite the sno cones and aprons and all of that, we actually are liking Abs more and more.  And also, *spoiler alert* We at the BNU like his family the best of the bunch.  Yes, mother Maryann, Dad Jeff, Brother Denton, and Sister Carly all have very white teeth.  But also. . .
"Woah, Dad is a Silver. Fox.," says ABe.
And also, Denton is not bad himself.
Abs's family earns even more points when Abs tells them that he came to the first rose ceremony topless.  Maryann doesn't even stop cutting her food as she rolls her eyes, and Denton asks, "so, you were THAT guy?"

Various 1:1 times ensue.  Mom gently asks Desiree if it isn't maybe difficult to know one's mind after spending such a short time together with each man?? She and Carly like Desiree, but Carly worries that Abs may be in the friend zone and is a little worried he is going to get hurt.  Abs confesses to his mother that he has fallen in love with her, and then they. . . .sing.  Von Trapp family style. To Desiree.
You light the fire inside his eyes.
You give [something somethingy rhymey].
[something] with arms that want to lead the way. . .
Oh Desiree now can you see.  Your place inside this family. . .

When This Viewer restaged a Christmas show for the ex-Amish, we would practice yodeling in the car for the 45 minute drive home.  Because it was part of their show and This Viewer Coveted It.   But Babies, even We were not so bold as to Yodel in any more public a setting than our car with the windows up.

And that is all This Viewer is Going to Say on the Matter.

But Desiree is touched.  She is crying, and then Abs is taking her out to the garden and saying incredibly sweet things to her about how he loves her and has gotten a ring for her (not to freak her out), and We just feel like despite the spray tan, this guy really has more substance than most people on this show.  And we feel bad for him because we are pretty sure that, as between the remaining guys, he will probably be the one to get the axe next.

Team Abs for the next bachelor?

Before we have time to think about it further, we are in Scottsdale, AZ with Drew.
"Come on Barbie, Let's Go Party," says KMu.
"Ah, ah, ah, yeah" sings ABe.

So Drew plasters himself and his lips up on Desiree in front of some weird strip mall with a store called "Mystique," she returns the sentiment with fervor, and we know that it is Over. For. Abs.   Drew announces that he loves her and talks to the camera about having gone on this "crazy journey" [everyone drink].   We are going to meet father Mal(achi), Mom (Angela?), Sister Megan, Bro in Law Kevin, their children, after picking up his other sister at her group home.  And. . . "this is the first time my dad has been to my mom's house."
O.M.G.
And also, "I don't think my family has ever seen me like this before!" says Drew.
"With a woman?" asks ABe.

Off they go to pick up Melissa, who has special needs.  This Viewer's hackles are up, because ABC better damn well treat her appropriately.
"KLo, be serious." Says KMu. "ABC never exploits people."

So Melissa is sweet and excited to see her brother, and then completely like a deer in headlights when she discovers all of the filming lights at her mother's  house.  That is the last we see or hear of Melissa, except when this happens:
Dad: "Do you believe in Angels, Desiree?"
Desiree:  "Um, yes."
Dad:  "Have you ever met one?"
Her: "Um, no."
Dad: "Yes you have.  Melissa.  She has taught us more as a family than we would have known before.  And I think that's what Drew wanted you to see."

Sigh. We have very mixed feelings about this little speech. And also, we bet Desiree is going to feel like a Complete Asshole if she dumps the gay guy with the disabled sister and recovered alcoholic father who is now dying of cancer.  But, he is just so . . very bland.  And also, gay.

Blah blah Drew confesses his undying love to Desiree as they kiss goodbye, and says that he "will be engaged" the next time his family sees him.  Meh.

Off we go to McMinnivall Oregon to meet Chris's family.  Gentle readers, we had thought he was mormon, but that must be Brooks Brothers.

But more importantly, "Chris has a nice tushy," observes this Viewer.
"You say that every week," says KMu.
But he does.  This Viewer is an Ardent Admirer.

Desiree and Chris walk to a baseball diamond.   They put on eye black, and he writes "heart, chris" on her eyes with it.  We don't know what she writes, but KMu thinks its "not. gay."

They play baseball for a while, and Chris is tickled to discover that Desiree can hit rather decently.  And then she picks him up for a piggyback ride and they look at drawings of their Special Moments Together, but we don't know which one of them made the drawings because we were more interested in malt balls at that point.
ABe is more engaged: "I wouldn't kick that out of bed," mutters she.

Soon, Chris and Desiree are walking away from a perfectly good picnic set up on the baseball mound, and ABe is concluding that when such food is left unattended, the ABC staff "swoop in like ball girls and boys at Wimbleton"  which leads to a discussion at BNU Headquarters about why on earth Our Valuable Staff have not managed to either be techies for the show or audience members at a "Tell All."  Sheer laziness, babies.  And also, LA is far away.

So at Chris's house, we meet Mom, Dad, Sisters Anna and Erin, brother Jared and his wife Jill.
"Wow, Chris got the looks in that family," says KMu, for All Of Us Secretly.
We also learn that Dad is a chiropractor with his clinic downstairs.  We love a good chiropractor and are not bothered by this, except for when he adjusts Chris's nose.

Chris's family is nice, but conversation is a little odd:
"So . . .do you drink wine?" queries his mom.
"Oh, YEAH. " says Desiree, and then proceeds to tell a story of drinking so much with Chris that she fell off a rock and tweeked her back.
Chris's dad gives her an adjustment.  And, no joke, he sounds exactly like The Godfather while doing it.
Says Dad [insert wheezing]:  "My first impression is that Desiree.  Is.  A good girl."
Says KMu:  "He is going to make her an adjustment that she cannot refuse."

Most of the 1:1 is done on the chiropractic table on this date.  Desiree says she likes Chris. And then this Viewer is COMPLETELY. GROSSED.OUT. when Chris's dad shoves some kind of shaving kit-looking device up Chris's nose to adjust it as they talk about Desiree in their own 1:1 time.

But what is odd about all of this is the discussion of Chris's last girlfriend, a/k/a "The Last One."  Mom tells Desire that Chris was really hurt by The Last One.  His sister tells Chris, "you know, I didn't like The Last One . . and neither did Grandma. . and neither did Mom."   And then in 1:1 time between Chris and his mother, Chris tells his mom that he really likes that Desiree is so independent, and does not appear to have the insecurity issues "like The Last One."

Quoth the Raven:  Nevermore!

Blah blah, they kiss goodbye, all of us at the BNU admire Chris's hotness, and we hope he makes it to the next round.  Oh, and somewhere in there, he told Desiree that he loves her.

Finally, we are in Salt Lake City with Brooks Brothers.  KMu wants to know if they are going to run into Jef(f) and his marionettes.

Here is Our Thing (All of Us):  Brooks Brothers is A Drip.   He is wearing a womens' suit jacket and an ascot tie, and tells the camera that he's just not sure how he feels emotionally about Desiree, and that he's frustrated with how little time they've had together.  But Desiree WSBB is really, REALLY into Brooks Brothers.  And to keep that anxious tap dance going, she has made him A List of their Precious Moments.
1.  That one time, when he was first out of the limo.  Yeah, that was fun.
2.  Oh, and their first date, dressing up like bride and groom?  That was fun too.
3.  Oh oh oh remember that one time when they kissed at the cupcake truck?  That was really fun.

Shoot. This. Viewer. Now.

But we are not done:  Remember that one time that we were on Cloud Nine?  "Yeah, and then we were like breaking through the clouds together!" says Brooks Brothers.   "Yeah, and then the clouds cleared," says Desiree.

This Viewer drowns herself in wine.

They canoe, which Desiree allegedly has never done before despite once living in a tent and being all manner of outdoorsy, and then they go meet his family of 10, their spouses, and so forth.  At least they're all wearing name tags.  "The brother looks like he's right out of Big Love," observes KMu, taking in the Jim Bob Duggar hair, and the button-down shirt with collar tucked into a pullover sweater.

Basically, in all of the various 1:1 times on this date, all of Brooks Brothers' family is explaining to him what he would feel like if Desiree is The One.  And our thing is this:  Brooks Brothers would know it in his very core, and would not need to be needing so many words of assurance from his family because Desiree would simply. . .be.  But he is a Drip, and she is not The One but he is too Chickenshit to call it off because of said Drippitude.   We are tired.

So the dates are all over, but now, NOW we cannot get to the rose ceremony because we must visit with the Creepy Lumberjack, a/k/a Desiree's brother.  She is worried for him to meet the men on her own hometown dates, because of how horrible he was to Pringles.  And apparently, she has not even talked to him since that night, multiple months ago.  We do not understand why he is even showing up now, except to make "good television," as he is clearly not a part of Desiree's life, but whatever.
She describes the men to him:
Zak  = adventurous, positive.
Drew = sweetest person you'll ever meet in your life (because Desiree's brother really seems to care about that, or something).
Chris = athletic, active, humble.
Brooks Brothers:  Funny, Quirky.

The Brother wants to "get in their heads."  We are pretty sure that the only ones that would handle that appropriately are Zak, and maybe Chris.  We are equally certain that they will not be the last 2 men standing.

The interview with The Brother is a big nothing.  But now we're through it, and Chris Harrison is interviewing Desiree at the rose ceremony.  He is sitting in a giant red velvet chair and we are pretty sure we would not blink an eye if he were also wearing a black cape.  We worry about vampires again.

Desiree is once again ranking the men. Oh! She felt so luck to be with all the families.  No no, none of them had any problem saying that they loved her. . except Brooks Brothers.  She is not concerned, however, because she can "feel it" coming from him.  Oh Dear.
But KMu wants to know who Desiree would prefer going swimming with, and ABe is whispering that with Chris, she could go "skinny dipping. . .. or streaking."

Gentle readers, when this Viewer and ABe were ever so much younger, we streaked a guy playing the organ in the church chapel at our college campus.  Neither ABe nor I will ever forget the moment that the music simply. . . stopped.  Nor will we forget having to extend our buck run past the chapel windows as all of the traffic from an adjacent soccer game was driving past, in order to get to our clothes.  Ah, the Good Old Days, when a lady could freestyle without her rump hitting the floor.

ANYWAY, as we are reminiscing, Desiree stands up and we finally get a good look at her dress.  Babies, it is like a 4th grader tried to draw Skeletor on a white canvas with sparkle glue.  Every rib is drawn, there is some weird arrow thing pointing to her Secret Garden, she's got a question mark on one hip, and a deck of cards on the other. And also, she is wearing it with Mary Kay pink high heels. We hate this outfit with a blinding passion.

But it's the Moment of Truth, and as she is standing there, crying in a dress that is a Crime Against All Fibres, Whether Natural or Not, she picks;
1.  Brooks Brothers
2.  Chris,  . . . and
3.  Drew.

We all knew this was coming, except Abs, who looks like he has been punched in his eponymous region. She tells him he is a great guy and gives his ring back.  He handles it like a gentleman. But in the limo, he says that he really thought it would work, and that he doesn't want to go back to his prior life, which was a "lonely life."  And he throws the ring out the window.  OH!!!!!

We are heartbroken for Abs and wish him well.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Men Tell All, and the BNU Staff Drink Heavily to Get Through It.

- KLo

Desiree WSBB Part 7: Have Some Madeira, M'Dear

Ah, babies, we begin Desiree WSBB in Madeira, Portugal.  As we prepare ourselves a dinner of wine and chocolate malt balls, we softly sing:

"Have some Madeira, m'dear. You really have nothing to fear.
I'm not trying to tempt you, that wouldn't be right.
You shouldn't drink spirits at this time of night. . . . "

And yet Here We Are.  Gentle readers, we Must Stop Meeting This Way.

Someone says something about a tropical paradise, waves are crashing, Abs is saying Portugal is a "hidden pearl," and suddenly we find that they are all driving the tip of an elongated sailing vessel directly towards an opening in the cliffs.  ABC could not be more subtle.  But then Drew says something about  this place being "built for love," and now we cannot stop laughing because this happened 5 minutes ago:
This Viewer:  "We are suspicious about Drew.  He has no privates."
ABe:  "Privates???"
This Viewer:  "He is like a Ken Doll."
KMu: "This is one of the great minds of our time [This Viewer thinks KMu is Being Sarcastic], and she is talking about whether He is Smooth Down There."
ABe:  "Ooo, chocolate malt balls!!"
KMu: "Which Drew apparently doesn't have any of."

ANYWAY, Desiree WSBB announces that there will be three 1:1 dates and one 2:1 date this episode, except no one goes home if they don't get a rose. But we are more interested in the fact that Hillshire, Le Democrat, and some chick named Jackie from season Pringles have come to give Desiree input on the remaining men!  YAY, Le Democrat!!!
Hillshire's caption under her name now reads "Catherine, Sean's Fiance."  And his advice, per her, is to "give Desiree good advice."
KMu is irritated:  "Why doesn't it just say, "Hillshire, Chattel? And also, good advice as opposed to what?  Hey Catherine, I hope you give her some really bad advice."

So, while the women lear at the remaining contestants with binoculars, Desiree ranks them.  This must be incredibly awkward to watch back for whomever gets picked in the end:  Chris is supportive, Brooks Brothers is positive and fun but may not be ready for something more serious,  Hot Fuzz is "a federal prosecutor, so he's smart" (hahahahhaa), and Drew is "sweet."  But worse still:  Drew is the best kisser (what??), Hot Fuzz is the most "successful," Chris is athletic, Drew has the best body (what??), Brooks Brothers has the best eyes, and Abs is the most adventurous.

Hillshire wants to know who has the biggest pizzle.  Le Democrat nearly spills her drink.

But now that Desiree has signed everyone's yearbook, she is exclaiming that she Cannot Believe she may get engaged at the end of this!!
Says KMu:  "It's so weird.  I have been on this show now, twice, trying to get engaged.  It is totally crazy and unexpected that I might be getting engaged at the end of it!!"

And just like that, we are off to date #1 with Brooks Brothers.  This involves driving around in a sports car,  and leaning over the edges of cliffs while drinking heavily.  BB seems nice enough, but he just doesn't seem to have any Snap.  Their conversation ranges along:
"holy cow!"
"look!"
"so pretty!'
"thanks for inviting me!'
And then Brooks Brothers starts talking about how he's fitting the puzzle together with her, and how things are "so easy between us because I don't have to think about when I'm going to hold your hand or put my hand on your leg in the car."
Really? REALLY?  We suddenly see inside Brooks Brothers' brain: "Ok, it's been five minutes.  Yawn and stretch towards her knee."  We are broken-hearted for the State of Romance, Everywhere.

But ABe has bigger issues: "Watching this show has made me so angry about men's hair."

And it is so true.  Brooks Brothers is now yammering about being on cloud nine, and his hair is attempting to blow with freedom amongst clouds 1-8, except it is loaded down with So Much Crapspackle that it can only muster a one finger salute.

But now Desiree has seized upon the concept of Cloud Nine.   Oh, they are "lost in Cloud Nine."  They are yelling about "we are on Cloud Nine."  and she is welcoming him to "Cloud Nine."  Rage.

And soon, we are at dinner, and she is wearing a short and spangly skirt.   They toast to the best day ever, talk about his family, and about what words describe the steps between "like" and "love."
Hm, this is an interesting exercise.
"Stepping, skipping, running, finish line!" says Desiree.
"Crush Boy, Unrequited Hots, Requited Hots, Six Month Tolerance. . . . " this Viewer gets tired.

And then, we know we are supposed to be paying attention to the fireworks that are going off at the end of this date and feeling the Romance Of It All, but we at the BNU are mourning the loss of Juan Ton.  KMu has found some website With Photos Of Him.
"Dulce Jesus," she swears.
"Por favor," we whisper.

MILDLY more interesting is Desiree's date with Chris next.  "Let's Sea if we can find love here," read the date card.
As they walk towards yet another Sailing Vessel, the remaining boys spy on them from up on a cliff:  "At least he isn't holding her hand!" says one of them. "We can see you!!" shouts another.  Is this really happening?

So Chris and Desiree WSBB go to their own "private island" and have a picnic.  We are brokenhearted because Chris says "It's only her and I."  We hope a grammar textbook washes up on shore.

They grease each other up with sunscreen and talk about sexual tension, and then settle down to write a poem together to put in a bottle.  This is a nice idea, but personally, this Viewer is far more likely to throw poetry out to sea when feeling particularly depressed and Old Cattish, and not as a team-building exercise.  
Worse still, it is a Terrible Poem:
"Experiences we share together keep memories close to the heart
So that, with time, love can never part no matter the distance or time away
Know that I'm out there, thinking of you. . . blah blah rhymey rhyme.

Dear Desiree WSBB, Chris, and The World:  This, THIS is a poem to hurl out to sea:

Time does not bring relief; You all have lied,
who told me time would ease me of my pain.
I miss him at weeping of the rain;
I want him in the shrinking of the tide . . .

We wish Edna St. Vincent Millay was the bachelorette, because she would Cut These Turkeys Like This Viewer's Neighbor, Dennis.

Predictably, Chris and Desiree throw their bottle out to sea and then share a meaningful kiss on the rocks.  At dinner, they talk about their awesome date and how big a family she wants.  Desiree thinks three children, because she wants a tight-knit family.
"Yes, I want a tight-knit family, as opposed to one that is horribly estranged," says KMu.
But Gentle readers, Chris comes from a family of TEN, and we believe him to be mormon.  This is not going to end well.   But Chris does not see the warning signs, because he is now all sweaty and wanting to tell her that he loves her.  And yet, and yet, he cannot just tell her.  Instead, he must tell her In Verse.

"Individually defined,"  By Chris Who Deserves Desiree WSBB and Her Terrible Poetry.
'The strongest word with so much meaning
hard to say without a stammer
But when expressed with true feeling, sincere for
no other word can mean so much more. . .
[BLAH BLAH RHYME for 10 more minutes. .. . "in every kiss, I truly say I love you."

"He's cute, but that poem was terrible," says ABe, for All of Us.
At least it "melted" Desiree's heart.  They end this date kissing in the trees.

Next up to bat is Hot Fuzz.  "Let's have fun in Funchal," it said.  They are apparently going to be walking around and exploring the city.  We don't care because we hate her hair.  "Gahhhh, Princess Leia wore her hair like that in Return of the Jedi," objects ABe.  We also hate her outfit, which looks like a purple unitard covered by a mexican poncho. What. T. F.
Hot Fuzz is enamored:  "I feel if we had a scavenger hunt for the best woman, and she had 47 qualities, Des would have 48!"
We at the BNU would have 50, bitches.

So this is basically . . .meh.   They talk on some ledge about how Hot Fuzz was "meant to go" on this journey, and then they nearly get killed tobogganing down a hill in some odd sofa-looking contraption.  At dinner, he is wearing a t-shirt, a jacket, and a pocket handkerchief.  He talks about being a child, his father leaving, his mother raising them, how he doesn't want his tombstone to say "prosecuted 700 people," and oh dear oh dear oh dear. . .she is bored.

But then something changes in our hearts for Hot Fuzz.   He talks about how he fell in love with his last girlfriend and they moved in together, only to discover that she was cheating on him through facebook.  It took him a year to get over her.  And this is our thing:  No One Needs to Go through That.  

This date ends with them admiring the singing of a terrifying Portugese woman in the street.

At last, it is date #4:  the dreaded 2:1 date with Drew and Abs.  "I'm looking for a man who can make my heart race" said the card.
"What do you think the card means???" wonders someone.
"Dude, I think we're going to have a race," says someone else.
A Showcase of Great Minds, this Show.

We have very little comment on this date.  Predictably, they have shown up at a go cart track.  Desiree is worried that Abs is not feeling like himself, as he is a little reserved.  But he and Drew race, and Abs wins handily.  The most interesting part of this is Drew's hair:
"Wait, he just took his helmet off, and that is literally helmet hair," says KMu about Drew's dustcap, which has not moved one inch.
Apparently, winning the go cart race results in the first 1:1 time.   So Abs takes off with Desiree to show her some pictures he has drawn.  And they Are Awesome.  The first is of his. . .abs.  The second is a scene from Portugal.  And the third is a scene from Munich, Germany, with bloody claw marks all over it intended to represent how he feels when they kiss.  He confesses his love, she likes to see him happy  . . .and, scene.

Next up is Drew.  In his 1:1 time, he talks about his disabled sister, and how he's never had "this feeling for anyone" and swears he is falling in love with her.  We are critically assessing the kiss:  He kissed a girl, but did he like it?  The taste of her cherry chapstick. . . It felt so wrong, it felt so right?
But KMu has made a more important observation:
"Wait, so we've had Brooks Brothers, Chris, Abs, and Drew all confess their love, and Hot Fuzz confess his heading in that direction, all in the same episode.  Is that some kind of record?" wonders she.
"Which ones are straight, though," queries KMu.

Drew gets the rose on this date, leaving Abs heartbroken.  We actually like Abs, as he is the most interesting one in the group despite looking like a PSA warning against the evils of tanning beds.

At last, it is the rose ceremony.  And Chris, making up for all bad grammar and bad poems, is wearing a jacket with elbow patches.  This viewer LOVES an elbow patch.  We secretly imagine Juan Ton in a jacket with elbow patches. Le Sigh.
But then, we see Desiree's dress, and are confused.  It is perfectly fine, standard issue turquoise skin-tight high-necked thing.  Precisely what would make This Viewer Look Like a BattleShip . But is the back drape connected?  We examine it from all angles.

Even though this episode has been interminable to date, we next must sit through time with Chris Harrison before finding out who Desiree cuts.  She tells him that Drew is the most good-looking guy she ever met.
"Did she SEE Juan Ton?" demands ABe.
She also starts to cry when Brooks Brothers' name comes up.  He did NOT tell her he loves her, but she is nearly at the "finish line" with him emotionally, though she swears there is room for another man in her heart, such as Chris.  We are unconvinced.  And also, we don't know what ABC is up to, because usually they don't let the bachelorette talk about who she has basically picked.

In any event, we segue into her speech to the men, and then she picks, to join Drew,
1.  Brooks Brothers.
2.  Chris, aaaaaand. . .
3.  Abs.

Hot Fuzz is going home.  And he is very graceful about it, making This Viewer feel guilty about maligning him.  He tells her that he was ready to commit to her for the rest of his life, but that she has a great group of men, and he wishes her the best.  He then calls his mother in the cab on the way home, who says "oh no, not again," when he tells her he has been dumped.  We genuinely feel bad for him.

Stay tuned for next week, when Desiree's brother lurks in the corner.

-KLo

Desiree WSBB Part 6: A Dirge for Public Education

Well, we begin Desiree WSBB Part 6 on the sofa, while Desiree begins in Barcelona.  We wonder how fair this is.  Oh!  She has "crushes" on several of the guys, and this is the perfect city to fall in love in!  As she wanders through the streets, the remaining men wander to an outdoor pub for a drink . . . in matching hoodies (essentially).  They sit around a semi-circular table and Beefy James toasts everyone in Spanish.  Our hopes of this being the Episode of Juan Ton are dashed.  Particularly when Hot Fuzz starts yammering about Beefy James.  "Great," we think to our Secret Self, "he's found a new target."

Blah blah, there will be two 1:1 dates and one group date.  Roses may or may not be given out.

Drew gets the first 1:1 date, which we are having difficulty watching because we are too busy trying to draw his hair:

Babies, we can see the comb marks like little mow lines on a golf course, so thick is his hair product.   So distracted are we that we nearly miss his attempt at an ice breaker by kissing Desiree in the first two minutes of the date. Oh! He gets butterflies around her.  We are not convinced, as we suspect that Drew also gets butterflies around Hot Fuzz and Brooks Brothers.  But at any rate, they drink from a drinking fountain for luck, find their way to a very public cafe, and then the following happens: 

Desiree WSBB: "So what makes Drew, Drew?"

Drew: + Bursts Into Tears + 

Out comes the story of his alcoholic father, who is his role-model and multiple years sober, yet now has cancer, which "no one knows" (except the entire ABC viewing audience). 

Sigh.
We are so very tired.
Just once on season Desiree WSBB, we would like to hear a suitor say "oh, my parents?  They are great, functioning, healthy adults! [and also, they think I am batshit crazy for going on this show]."

But Desiree is "moved" by this.  Kisses and reassurance commence, and soon they are walking down a dark alley towards a group of street musicians.  Upon which point Desiree actually says, "Barcelona brings out my emotional, artistic side." This Viewer, on the other hand, is thinking of the mariachi band that played over dinner a few weeks ago (iiiiieeeeeeiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!), and the business card This Viewer picked up thereafter:  "Marque un like en facebook" it said.  Some things are literally lost in translation.

Just as Desiree and Drew arrive at a Dark And Secluded Outdoor Corner for dinner, Drew is "overcome by the emotions" and "needs to steal her away." He grabs Desiree, takes her past the cameras and down an even darker alley, throws her up against a wall, and shoves his tongue down her throat.  Somehow, this is not romantic.  And also, we get the uneasy suspicion that Drew is accustomed to back alleys.

Desiree is overcome.  Having left the rose on the table when Drew whisked her to the Pee Stained Alley of Aggressive Copulation, she suddenly has it in her hand in the next film segment.  Oh! He accepts!!! Followed  immediately by:
"Des, I have to tell you something.  Beefy James doesn't know what will happen with you, but if he makes it into the Top 4, he thinks he'll be the next bachelor and be set for life."
Really?
REALLY?
Drew is going to bring this up?  In a dark alley? Thirty seconds after getting the rose?
This Viewer begins to drink heavily.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the next date card has come.  It is for everyone BUT Abs.  "Loooooove," it tells us.  Yay!  It is a soccer date!  We hope it is An Evening With Juan Ton, our former pro soccer player.  We become excited when ABC allows him to speak:  While he accepts the group date, he is sad that it is not a 1:1 date, as he is taking the risk of continuing to be here and not see his daughter.   Oh!! Our little Juan Ton of Love!

The next day, HashTag, Hot Fuzz, and Drew solidify their presence on This Viewer's Target Board of Rage.   Over the lunch period, they hold a secret conference under The Big Tree, where Hot Fuzz carves the initials "HF + HT, 4evR," Drew picks a scab off his arm and then shows everyone, and the three of them swap the contents of the lunches their mothers packed them while gossiping about how Drew told Desiree about Beefy James.  HashTag is all, "now I have to balance how I feel about Desiree and how I feel about this situation with James."  What?   And also, why is Hot Fuzz wearing a sweatband again?

As the guys pull up at a soccer stadium, Desiree is Excited Yet Cautious about Beefy James.  "Everyone has stuff taken out of context" in life, she philosophizes.
"Like Paula Dean?" asks KMu.

But nothing will stop We at the BNU from being excited about this date.  As Brooks Brothers observes, "Juan Ton's name literally translates into 'you have no chance; I am going after Desiree right here on this soccer field.'"  Yes sir! May this Viewer Have Another?

So the boys practice, and then Desiree WSBB announces that they will be playing against . . .a group of women.   Brooks Brothers makes a comment about "girl scouts" and HashTag jokes about "competing against a group of girls" and We (All of Us) Hate Them All.  Only Juan Ton has the appropriate response:
"Holy Shit."
He notes that these are professional female soccer players, some faster than him, and that they will play a good game.

Turns out they do.  The women handily win 10-2 (the two goals being scored by Juan Ton, muy caliente), which the disgruntled men blame on Beefy James.  We admit that they may have a point:  As goalie, Beefy James is literally standing at the net, watching the balls go by him.  At the same time, we can not believe that (a) the women would not have won anyway, or (b) Beefy James is unaccustomed to catching balls.

So blah blah, rage is building against Beefy James.  As the group moves towards the evening party, HashTag feels the need to recount, for the thousandth time, that James wants to be the next bachelor.  And now that Desiree knows, HashTag is "waiting for the right time to confront James."  Well everyone hold onto your britches, because it is a Cat Fight Tonight!

But we are more interested in 1:1 time with Chris.  As ABe has pointed out, he and Juan Ton are the Last Standing Potentially Kissable Men.  Even after this happens:
"I wrote you a poem," says Desiree.  And she reads:

Worst Poem In Bachelorette History, by Desiree WSBB
From the first night
one knee to the ground
charming and handsome
instant attraction was found.

At the dodgeball game.
It was apparent;  no shame.
On top of that roof.
Overlooking that view.
From that moment.
I knew sparks flew.

Kissing in the street.
The moments of bliss
Solidified my feelings.
In every single kiss ["except when Drew jammed his tongue down my throat," appends ABe]

As the clock ticks.
Timing never late.
For the connection to form.
From each and every date.

And a rose to 1 date.
Grant us our fate.

I look forward to the unknown
Appreciate the emotion you have shown.
And am hopeful to see.
If in your heart, I have found a home.

OH. MY. GOD.  Desiree, Like a Teen.  Writes Cow Pats that Steam.  For the Putridity of this Poem.  Cannot be UnSeen.  Her Rhyme is a Sign. As if In Real Time.  Of the Undeveloped Mind.  Caused by No Child Left Behind.

But Chris LOVES this and is deeply moved, even as Desiree says she wrote this "on" the airport.  He tucks the poem away, and they kiss.  Somehow, we segue into 1:1 time with Brooks Brothers, who says he is doing "good" [GRAMMAR RAGE], prompting ABe to note that "Him and I don't know he difference between 'well' and 'good.'"  Meanwhile, HashTag attacks Beefy James in the next room after telling the guys, AGAIN, that Beefy James told Mikey T that he was going to be the next bachelor.

As KMu has sagely observed, the misdirected homoerotic aggression in this house is really getting tiresome.

Blah blah James throws a fit.  "The bachelor has nothing to do with why I am here!"  Hot Fuzz goes apeshit and raises his voice, accusing Beefy James of auditioning for the Jersey Shore, and telling Beefy James what did or did not occur in a conversation to which Hot Fuzz was not a party.  Beefy James tosses back some bleeped out thing about what Hot Fuzz has done with the cameras off.  And then, HashTag wants Beefy James to admit what he said "man to man."
'You mean "man ON man?" queries ABe.
Chris is mortified by the whole thing and keeps telling everyone to "hush" because they are now yelling.   We are sick of all of them, but particularly Hot Fuzz, who thinks that it makes him look smarter to twist the words of Beefy James.
Finally, HashTag brings it all to a head with Desiree AGAIN by using up his 1:1 time to gossip about Beefy James and how He Is Not Here For The Right Reasons [everybody drink].

This Viewer is Taking All of the Toys and Sending Everyone Home.

Desiree declares that she is not handing out a rose and orders all of the children to leave except Beefy James.  She tearfully confronts him about what has been said, he tearfully explains himself, and they tearfully depart with no decisions having been made.  Babies, what we have here, is a failure to communicate:  Beefy James is approaching this show from the pragmatic standpoint that all but one person are going to be sent home, and so when he goes home, he will likely date, pick up on his other social life, and so forth.  And the worst that could happen is that he becomes the bachelor.  The other men don't like that world view and have decided to Stone Him To Death.  And all of this relates to a conversation off-camera that two people supposedly heard.

We are exhausted, and then enraged when HashTag feels the need to recap the situation ONE MORE TIME to the men while they wait around to see if Beefy James is coming back after his consult with Desiree.  "Just so everyone is caught up, Beefy James said he was going to be the next bachelor . . ."

Thank God that the next date is with Abs.  While he has apparently destroyed himself in a tanning bed and with teeth whitening strips, Abs appears to be someone who has at least wrestled with life a little, in a healthy way, before coming on this show.

As Abs approaches Desiree on the street at the start of this date, we see that she is sketching.  Oh look!  It is a theme!  They go to an art studio and think that they are sketching apples when really they are sketching . . . .nudes!

Babies, This Viewer was once an artist's model, before we became the Fat White Albino that lawyers become.  It was a Halcion Time, before Happiness Was Strangled from this Viewer by Big Law.

At any rate,  the guy Abs and Desiree draw, is seriously bendy.  And yes, afterwards, Abs acts as if he is going to pose nude, only to reveal himself in his underwear.  But the real story of this segment is the part where they decide to draw each other.  Gentle Readers, Abs embraces the concept of shading.
Upon viewing the Abs's drawing in all its splendor, KMu concludes:
"The Title of this thesis is:  'Desiree, Who Should Be Black.'"
ABe pees herself on the sofa.

So we like Abs, who has handled all of this cheerfully and in good sporting fun.  As they go to dinner in what appears to be the basement of a winery, we wish that he had not turned himself into the Tanning Woman.  And yet all is forgiven when Desiree WSBB asks Abs "what makes Abs?  How was your childhood?" . . . and we hold our breath . . .and then Abs says that his mother is a "bundle of joy" and that he had a good life.  Hurrah!!! While ABC inexplicably overdubs harp music into the date, Abs gets the rose.  And as they walk out, he schools Drew in the art of kissing a woman in a dark alley.  It is not gross.  But we worry a little when he tells her that "you mean everything to me" and then tells the camera that he loves her.  Oh dear.

Back at the hotel, the chick fight continues with Beefy James, who has now asked Drew to provide him with his "perspective on everything."  Soon everyone is yelling except Juan Ton, who has curled himself in the corner of embarrassment at being part of this scene.  We are firmly on Team Juan Ton.

The next morning, Desiree comes to get Beefy James for a talk.  While he dances for his life, we don't care anymore because we hate Desiree's outfit.  It consists of skin-tight electric blue velour jeans, black ankle boots, and a black tank top.  Desiree, you are not Madonna, nor should you dress like she did in 1986.

Back Beefy James comes to the house, and one hard edit later we are at the rose ceremony.  No cocktail party is happening first, for which This Viewer is grateful because it limits the time upon which this Viewer must gaze at Desiree's dress.

So when this Viewer's sister, SHa, was in high school, she had a velour stretch mini dress with long sleeves, imprinted with roses.  And while we understand that fashion is cyclical, we secretly and fervently wished that such dress did not Make Its Return on the Bachelorette.  We are disappointed to see that our wish has flung itself off the balcony.

Without further ado, joining Drew and Abs with roses are:
1.  Chris.  YAY.
2.  Brooks Brothers, aaaaaand. . .
3.  Hot Fuzz.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  We don't care that HashTag and Beefy James are gone.  In fact, we are thrilled.  But our Juantonito is heartbroken.  He politely says goodbye to Des, and then cries a little to the camera, noting that he wants a family and siblings for his daughter, and says it is very difficult to date as a single parent.  Sigh.

Stay tuned for next week, when ABC leads us to believe that Drew Comes Out of the Closet, breaking Desiree's heart, and she Retaliates by Sending Everyone Home.

-KLo