Juan Ton Part 9: It's ok.

The bad news is that This Viewer missed the first hour of Juan Ton Part 9 due to Work Items and doesn't have a television anymore and therefore cannot go on the interwebs to watch the episode because ABC is evil and requires a television subscription.  We know.  It's like Russian Roulette blogging.   The good news is that ABe and KMu did not miss the first hour.  And this, beloved readers, is what They Told Me:

Babies, we are in Saint Lucia for the Tropical and Magical Overnight Dates.  First up?  Norma Cassidy, on what KMu describes as the standard yacht date [food they don't eat, followed by Titanic re-enactments].

ABe:  "I don't remember anything about this date except inane chatter. Oh, and the POC driving the dinghy to the yacht."
KMu:  Norma Cassidy's dress was all blue and yellow and flowers.  Basically, she looked like a really tiny couch.  And also, there was a LOT of crotch being shown on this date. ABe almost died."

KMu again:  "So then they have dinner in a cave -- not HER cave, KLo, because that's for later -- and all of us feel stupider listening to Norma Cassidy."
Norma:  "It's a cave!  Let's follow the candles! (tikki torches).  But um, would it be weird, like if at some point, you know, like, I would like to, maybe meet Camila? I just, like, want to share my feelings."
Juan Ton:  "It's ok, it's ok, that's fine, it's ok."
And then the fantasy suite card came, and Norma Cassidy had to relive all the drama of "what happened in Vietnam" with the night swimming.
Juan Ton:  "And definately tomorrow we wake up, we will know about each other, I think, a LOT more."
More Juan Ton: "You were a big block of ice."
Norma Cassidy:  "You melted me!"

Basically, This Viewer is glad she missed it all.

Oh, and apparently Norma Cassidy was wearing a dress for dinner that looked like little piles of kleenex ripped up and glued to her bosoms.

Next up:  Andi.  And babies, at this point, This Viewer is REALLY glad she missed the first part of Juan Ton Part 9 because Juan Ton and Andi play steel drums with the "Harmonites."  Which is exactly what this Viewer would do with a person that has no rhythm.  And also, this Viewer hates the steel drum.  And also, the "Harmonites" sounds like an a capella group, like the Mennonotes.  For realz.

This is also apparently the date in which Juan Ton demonstrates his multi-culturalism by creeping out children at the lunch shack ["hi, little boy.  Let me get you some juice."] and also, by playing a "random" pick-up soccer game with the local children.  Of course, all black.  This Viewer can feel ABe's rage from across the miles.

But drama is building. Lo, for Andi has appeared in this swimsuit AGAIN:

And even a makeout session under yet another waterfall in this Awful Wrestling Suit cannot save this date, as Andi attempts, over dinner, to delve into serious topics but Juan Ton is operating at a somewhat different level:
"She's funny.  Her cheeks are rounded."

Blah blah, they go to the fantasy suite, but it is apparently "her nightmare."

Okay, so at this point, This Viewer must set the stage.  We have been up since 4 a.m.  We have worked all day.  We run into our hotel room, eyeballs screaming from the wearing of contacts too long and body screaming from the wearing of A Vile Suit.  We trail coat, hat, gloves, and suit behind us like Little Puddles of Regret and simultaneously grab contact case and television remote.  Unsuspectingly, we turn on the television and BAM, this is what we see:

Babies, this outfit is RIDING A HORSE.  We have A Seizure.

This Viewer has found that people who go overseas often bring back A Little Crazy in the form of clothing that looks perfectly normal in whatever country they have come from, but which, in the middle of corn fields and also, the midwest, is jarring.   In honor of her alma mater, this Viewer calls it "SST clothing." [SST = study service term].   Also popular with Individuals Who Have Not Actually Traveled to the Country But Bought Said Clothing in a Fair Trade Store And Therefore Feel Simultaneously Hip and Virtuous.

But here is the thing:  Out of all the SST clothing, there is Nothing worse than SST Pants.  Babies, SST pants are like giant balloons of cotton, typically ending in some kind of peg leg but not necessarily, with a wackadoodle tie at the top.  And also, turtles, or giant flowers, or maybe even tie-dye in vibrant colors, Vomited All Over Them.  SST Pants are basically an invite to, "Take a Load Off Sally" and then carry it around like a diaper for the rest of eternity.  We (All of Us) hate these pants.

Anyway, Nurse Nikki is wearing SST Pants.  But she has also coupled them with a leather stringy taco meat bikini top.  And now she is riding a horse in her SST Pants and Taco Top, and Juan Ton is telling her that if she was NOT wearing said pants it would be amazing and also, that he would ride behind her.  We feel dirty.  Their kissing in the ocean does not help.

But then Juan Ton takes Nurse Nikki to dinner, and we only feel bored.  She is "thinking a lot" but he doesn't really ask her what she's thinking about, and she doesn't really tell him.  Apparently, she is thinking about how she wants to tell him that she loves him.  Which she does In The Fantasy Suite.  Juan Ton is thrilled:
"Nikki could be a good partner.  She is honest, pretty, sexy, AND cares about people."
SIGH.
This Viewer wishes she had alcohol.

So flash forward to the next day, and Chris Harrison is talking to Juan Ton:
JP:  I feel very very good."
CH:  What does that mean?
JP: "I am in a good place in my life."
After about 5 minutes of attempting to get Juan Ton to say that he actually loves one of the remaining tragedies of a contestant instead of just saying that he's essentially, having a good time sleeping with all of them, Chris Harrison relinquishes him to the Special Video Messages made by the three women:

Nurse Nikki:  " I can't believe I am in St. Lucia.  This is fun.  And also, my heart.  And, our date was the most romantic Ever.  I can not wait to see what the future holds." [plastic smile].

Norma Cassidy:   [we gasp at her necklace of dinosaur teeth] "You got to meet my family.  I have fallen in love with you." [scary squinty smile].

Andi:  "So, I had no idea what to expect when I came into this, and I allowed myself to be swept away with the emotion, except now I am Feeling Some Things and want to share them with you. . . in person." And then we see her, walking towards Juan Ton in a button down shirt and a pair of frilly pantaloons:

So Andi rips into Juan Ton.  It is long and this Viewer is Tired, so the Cliffs Notes are as Follows:

Andi does not think Juan Ton is taking the process seriously.  All he does is say "its ok its ok its ok" and pets her face.  He doesn't know her politics, her religion, or how she wants to raise children.  [which he freely admits he doesn't know].  If she hears "its ok" one more time she is going to Freak Out because she just wants some kind of real emotional response from him, good or bad.  And also, there is such a thing as Too Honest, which he is being when he informs her that he also spent the night with Norma Cassidy in the fantasy suite, because who needs to hear that.

Juan Ton's response:  I can't make you love me if you don't.  I respect you, so it's ok if you have to leave.  [pets her face, at which point she yells at him for messing up her makeup].  He shows no emotion and essentially says "do what you gotta do."

So basically, Juan Ton is completely and utterly emotionally tone deaf.  "You know," whispers this Viewer to Andi, "we appreciate that you are trying to tell him.  But he doesn't know what is wrong and is going to have to lose a lot of things before he figures it out, if ever.  So please stop beating your head against that particular brick wall, and make yourself a cocktail.  Also, please put on some Pants."

Andi leaves with complete clarity that This Man is Ridiculous.  And while this Viewer finds Andi to be Exactly What One Gets From Law School and Therefore Exhausting At Times, we actually have to agree with her on this one.  Juan Ton, meanwhile, childishly states that Andi could not have stayed IF she had asked to, because she fought with him.  We no longer like Juan Ton.  He is Dead to Us.

And then here we are at the rose ceremony, which is sort of ridiculous because it's just Nurse Nikki and Norma Cassidy.  Who hate each other.  Juan Ton explains to them that Andi has left because her heart wasn't in it, but they both accept their roses anyway.  "I wonder who he will pick, since Nikki and I are such different people," says Norma Cassidy.

We secretly hope they all get voted off the island.

Stay tuned for next week, which is the last of this Viewer's Travel-Obstacle  Episodes but thankfully, only The Women Tell All. . . .  In which Andi apparently says that she "just lay there and waited for it to be over" in the Fantasy Suite and This Viewer is completely Traumatized In Advance.

-KLo

Juan Ton Part 8: In Which A Tragedy Strikes.

Babies, thanks to an understanding travel companion, this viewer made the first of three will-she-or-won't-she-blog travel-challenging episodes with half an hour to spare.  This Viewer accepts your challenge, traumatic travel schedule, and makes it Her Bitch.

 Appropriately, Juan Ton Part 8 is the home visit episode. So without further ado, we meet Nurse Nikki in Kansas City, Missouri.  She runs towards Juan Ton in a park and as they hug it out, we learn that she "likes a little cowboy" and she is 'looking forward to seeing how cowboy JP is." This is like the start to a terrible romance novel: "As she watched Paco walk towards her, Shireena dreamily thought that she had a Fever.  And the prescription for that Fever was More Cow Boy."  Aaaanyway, Nurse Nikki takes the JP to eat "gas station BBQ."  ABe queries via text: "Did she eat part of a fry?  Are we sure she swallowed? "

But then, our eyes are accosted by  two things all at once.  First, now that Nurse Nikki has taken off her coat we see that she has cut the legs and crotch out of a pair of lace tights and is wearing them upside-down as a top.  Second, Nurse Nikki is wearing said top on a Mechanical Bull that she and Juan Ton are now riding, TOGETHER.

This Viewer dies laughing.  Our sister, SHa, has this compulsion to read every book someone gives her, even the bad ones.  So this Viewer has historically gotten her a Harlequin romance every year because We Are Sweet and Thoughtful.  And then SHa calls us in tears and forces us to listen to various passages.  A few years ago, one of those passages included the Couple Making Love On The Back Of A Motorcycle While Going Through A Car Wash.
"Come on ride the bull, choo choo ride it," we quietly text to ABe and KMu.
"Are you drunk" demands KMu.

Off we go to meet dad Tom, Mom Jennifer, and younger brothers Eric and Alex.  We learn that on their travels around the world, Juan Ton rode 1st class and all the women road coach.  Wow.  And then the 1:1 times begin, in which we learn that the Dad would prefer Juan Ton not to ask Nurse Nikki to marry him if his heart isn't in it, and Nurse Nikki says there is "something about" Juan Ton that is "magical" to Dad. And despite that stupid comment, Dad says that he trusts his daughter and her ability to make decisions.  We love Nikki's dad, but we still can't stand that girl or her 1980s crotch top.  The End, by KLo.

Juan Ton and Nurse Nikki kiss in front of the house, and then he leaves.  But Nurse Nikki is upset because she Wants To Tell  Him That She Loves Him, but The Time Did Not Present Itself.  Poor Nurse Nikki and her First World Problems.

Off we go next to Hotlanta to meet Andi's family. This Viewer hates her ombre hair.  And also, her tan kid leather mini-boots, which this viewer secretly thinks look like hooves.  She tells Juan Ton that he has made her to do some "crazy" things like "soccer, dancing, and karaoke," and this Viewer wonders what Andi's dates typically involve. Soup?  Not talking? Talking? At any rate, Andi wants to take Juan Ton to the gun range.  At which she shoots every cut out thingy through the heart multiple times .

DAMN.

Juan Ton is not as good with a gun as Andi, but he does manage to hit the bullseye after she says she can't take him home to her family if he does not.  We secretly think someone from ABC probably shot that bullseye and then put the gun in Juan Ton's hand.

So off we go to her parents house, which has a giant "welcome home Pookie" sign on it.  Gentle readers, this Viewer has had many nicknames over the years, including but not limited to Spazzghandi and, of course, KLo.  But there is One Archaic Nickname that only our sisters are permitted to utter.  And if we hear it, we will Cut Said Sister like This Viewer's Neighbor Dennis.   That nickname is Bucci. And it seriously Pisses Us Off.  So we can only imagine Andi's trauma when she discovers that her family has broadcast "Pookie" for all of the america.

So what to say about this family.  We meet Dad Hy ("Hyiyiyi" whispers KMu), Mom Patti, a sister, and a brother or brother-in-law who was obviously born in the 1990s because he has a preppy-ass name, "Ainley."  We really like Hy, but we are a little scared of him as he keeps asking Juan Ton how many women were left at each stage of the process and why Andi still hadn't gotten an individual date by that point.  He tells Juan Ton, as a "bit of advice" that Juan Ton needs to stop focusing on finding someone right for him AND Camila, and focus on finding someone right for Juan Ton first, before seeing how she fits with his family.  And he tells Juan Ton that they can talk about whether Hy will give his blessing after Juan Ton comes back and tells him Andi is "the one." Juan Ton looks nervous.

Meanwhile, Andi is confessing that she is "almost" falling in love but is not quite there yet, and her sister is telling her that she feels like Andi is saying "I don't know about this guy," and we have to agree.  Andi is working hard to convince herself that this is the right relationship.  But the conversation between her and JP is so insipid:
Andi:  So, um, yeah, that was great.
JP:  Yes.  It was fun.
[smack, slobber, grope].
Andi:  Thanks for meeting my family.
JP:  Yes, You know, um
[smack, slobber]
Andi:  um, yeah, so.

We are bored with this couple.  And also, it is painfully obvious that Andi cannot dance, as Juan Ton attempts to show Andi's mother a few steps of bachata that he taught Andi.
"Guilty feet, got no rhythm. . " Sings ABe.

We shake it off and meet RENEE.  YAYAYYAYAYAAY.  We love Renee.  We love that she lives in Florida.  We wish that we, too, lived in Florida and could see Sun.  And also, No Snow.  Apparently, Juan Ton is also loving Florida, as he tells Renee, on her own hometown date, "welcome to Florida."

But what.  TF. is Renee wearing.  This Viewer has a really old reading lamp, for which the lampshade consists of (1) old floral fabric, and (2) tassels around the edges.  Every now and then, the lamp sheds a tassel and we can't find it.  Until this very moment, we assumed that said tassels had simply combusted in a fiery display of self-shame and dust.  But no, they apparently retired to Florida, where they are now adorning the bottom of Renee's shirt.

Anyway, we attempt to look past Renee's shirt and focus on the fact that her son Ben is The Cutest Kid Ever, and also Super Sweet.  Juan Ton and Renee go to Ben's little league game, and we love the fact that he is wearing bright pink socks.  We love that he is losing a tooth.  And also, that he loves his mom.  AND ALSO, that when Renee puts him to bed that night while Juan Ton talks to Renee's parents, she asks Ben where all his books are.  We love Renee and her son, and the fact that she doesn't alter her family traditions like putting her son to bed, for a date.

We also love Renee's parents and brother.  Her mother, Brenda, asks Renee if she is IN love with Juan Ton because "You know, Renee, we can love our pets.  The important thing here is if you are IN love."  Touche, Brenda.

Tragically, Renee ALSO wishes she could tell Juan Ton that she has fallen in love with him, but the opportunity ALSO does not present itself.  At the end of this date, he drives away and she stares longingly.  Just walk away, Renee!!!!!

Off we go to date #4 in Norma Cassidy's hometown of somewhere, California.  We initially see Norma Cassidy from the waist up and think, "ok, not my favorite but typical" as we observe the black tank top with the lace bits on the shoulder.  And then the camera pans down and we think "formal black romper shortsuit."  AND THEN, she turns around, and we scream "LACE PANTIES MASQUERADING AS BACK FABRIC FORMAL BLACK ROMPER SHORTSUIT WORLD OF NO."

It is true that this Viewer is all for Recycling and Thriftiness.  But babies, when this Viewer was 7 years old, she wore pants made from her grandmother's polyester dressing gown. We have the photographic proof of how well that Did Not Work Out.  And so for the life of us, we do not understand why Norma Cassidy thinks its will Work to re-purpose a pair of panties as the back of a top.  We cannot even draw this outfit, so horrible it is.

So Norma Cassidy is talking about her dead father A.gain.  Gentle readers, before Norma Cassidy's father died, he gave her the father-daughter dance that she always wanted, when she cried to him that he would not dance at her eventual wedding.  Ok, that is sweet.  But then he also apparently told her that if she ever missed him, she was to go to the water and find a rock and throw it.  And that he would never be farther away from her than the distance she could throw a rock.

There are a lot of people This Viewer wishes were close enough to hit with a rock, but we don't think that's what Norma Cassidy's father meant.

Off we go to meet Norma Cassidy's five sisters, Lillian, Lisa, Laura, Madeleine, and Julie, as well as her mother and also, some dude who may be a brother or a husband.  We survey the sisters and conclude that it's a Toss Up as to whether Norma Cassidy will age well.  We also think that whichever sister says Norma Cassidy has a "tender heart" seriously doesn't know her sister.

The headline  here is that Sister Laura Gets Weird.  She sits with "Momma" during Norma Cassidy's 1:1 time with her mom, and speaks for "Momma."  She stands up at one point, crosses her arms, and tells Norma Cassidy that she's not going to let her "manipulate Momma."  And then she goes into the bushes and stares at them because she has nothing more to say but apparently wants to keep watch. And  THEN she tells Juan Ton that Norma Cassidy doesn't want JP to talk to Laura.  Norma Cassidy is teary, about a lot of things, including but not limited to Laura.  We get exhausted and confused.  Juan Pablo handles it fine, and also speaks spanish with Norma Cassidy's mom.

Blech.

And the rose ceremony is upon us.  Norma Cassidy appears in an explosion of bright pink spandex.  Nurse Nikki arrives next.  We hate her, but we like her dress and don't know why.  It is black and white and has mesh but somehow works.  Even the mesh, babies.  WHAT IS HAPPENING.  Nurse Nikki and Norma Cassidy refuse to look at each other.

Andi and Renee have apparently gotten the same memo to wear toga tops. Andi takes this somewhat more seriously than Renee.  At least one buckle may be involved.  We hate these dresses.

In the end, Juan Pablo picks;
1.  Nurse Nikki,
2.  Norma Cassidy,
3.  Andi.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  No. No. No. No. No.  Renee is cut.  We fall to the floor and begin weeping and gnashing our teeth.   And we only cry harder when we discover that Renee is completely A Class Act about being given the heave-ho.  She tells Juan Ton that she loved him, but that he has opened her eyes to a whole new world.  And she thanks him for it.  And he says he respects her and WE (All Of Us) Respect Her, and then she drives off and We. Are. Crushed.

So basically, this season has been a slow-played illustration of Poor Life Choices by Juan Ton.  We don't care about the three remaining women, and despise two of them.

We. Are. Heartbroken.

Stay tuned for tonight, which May Or May Not Be Blogged, but in which everyone is in tears except This Viewer, for she has no tears left to shed.

-KLo

Juan Ton Part 7: Behind the Candelabra

Babies, This Viewer has watched the shitshow known as "the Bachelor" for too many seasons.  Which is why, when Juan Ton returns to Miami and proclaims that he's been away from Camila too long, and KMu wonders how long it has been, This Viewer can immediately say "three weeks" while petting the dog and wondering how many more cookies we can eat before we turn ourselves into a diabetic.

The women are staying at a penthouse . . . somewhere. We hope it is on water, as some woman is wearing ginormous paddles for earrings.  But more importantly, Juan Ton has graciously provided them all with a housewarming gift:  Teensy bikinis.  Gentle readers, the last time This Viewer was offered such a gift, it was the latest gossip mags and liquor.  Clearly, we have passed the Age of Pretenses.

But the first date card is upon us, and it is for The Sharl.  "Come sea my city" it says.

Okay, so while this is happening, Juan Pablo has returned home, embraced his daughter, and then confessed to A Relative that The Sharl "could be the one."  What? Conversely, The Sharl has continued to be conflicted and neutral about him, which initially causes us to think is the reason The Sharl has covered herself in an ill-cut polka dot burka, cinched with a thin black leather belt.  Oh! She doesn't know if she is ready for him to meet her family! Oh!  "Why are we here?  We don't 'get' each other! I am not sure we have that Cerebral Connection . . ... "  Someday you'll find it, Sharl, the Cerebral Connection.  The civil engineers, the accountants, and also, you.

"I feel like she thinks she's a mystery," says KMu.  We All Agree (all of us), because we are Sick Of the Angst From That Corner. But now they are kissing on some yacht and the closed caption is saying "[moans]" and then some more "[moans]" and The Sharl is telling Juan Ton that "He Is Trouble," which is Exactly What a Creepy Dude Says When You Are In Your 20s and He is Trying to Flirt With You and IT IS SO AWKWARD MAKE IT STOP.

But instead, The Sharl unveils a swimsuit which can only be summarized as "A Diamond Over the Rough," in the words of KMu:

And NOW the Sharl is trying to Tell Us All that she feels "happy" with him, which she doesn't "usually let myself feel."  And she vaguely suggests that she is even willing to give up the opera world for him.  WTF.  The Sharl is, essentially, working hard to try to convince herself to be with him, and it is All Too Exhausting.

They make out in the ocean.  They make out on the yacht.  And then, just when we think it can't get any worse, the Sharl shows up for dinner wearing a Dicky with Sleeves, followed by some mesh and also, open arm pits, followed by a skirt.  Babies, Kim Kardashian wore this dress.  And it does not matter to this Viewer how Sexy a peephole dress is supposed to be.  It STILL begins on the top in a Dicky With Sleeves before shame spiraling down the body to flesh colored mesh.

The Sharl says she "Thinks it would work" for him to meet her family.  And also, "I wish I was a little dumber so I could just be like, 'duh."
"I wish I was a little dumber so that I didn't have to tolerate this shit," says KMu..
"This hurts me inside," says ABe, for All of Us.

Back home from this date, on which no roses were apparently given, the Sharl talks to Renee about her doubts.  We feel bad for Renee, who has to mother all of these people.

Date #2 does not improve our spirits.  It is for Nurse Nikki;  "Listen to My Heart Beat."
"Am I going to have to dance again?" complains Nurse Nikki.
"God, she is so negative All The Time," says Banana Mouth Chelsea.

Nurse Nikki has come out from Behind the Candelabra for this date.  She is wearing, in no particular order, tiny jeans shorts and a string tank top, covered by a giant floral bedsheet with long lace cuffs.

So at one point, this Viewer's across-the-hall mate in college was an ah-may-zing african american 6 ft 4 very gay former gymnist-turned-dancer. We do not remember his last name, so we shall call him "T."   Most nights, This Viewer would hear "clip clip clip clip clip" and then some oomph oomph techno beat as T returned from clubbing, walked down the hall in his ginormous high-heeled clogs and outfit Just Like Nurse Nikki's, and began dancing in his room before retiring to our unfortunately communal bathroom for half an hour, where he would sing loudly and leave a set of matches in the toilet.

Gentle readers, it is with blinding clarity that this Viewer sees T in all his glory, instead of Nurse Nikki, when she comes towards us in The Outfit.

But Juan Ton, undeterred, is taking Nurse Nikki on what can only be The Most Ill-Conceived Date in the History of Ill-Conceived Dates:  He is taking her to his daughter's dance recital, where she will meet his entire family, and also . .  . Camila's mom, Carla.   Unless he is going to marry Nurse Nikki, this is a terrible, terrible idea.  And also, we love Carla for continuously maintaining her mask of polite civility while the "cutta bitch" is brewing inside.   Juan Ton assures Nurse Nikki that Carla is completely fine with the situation, and we at the BNU cackle to ourselves.

Camila dances and sings the moves while she dances, and she is adorable.

Babies, this Viewer was once a "Little Pink Cloud."   Our first dance recital included the following song, to which we may have danced and whispered the words to help us remember: "I am a little pink cloud. Floa-ting through the air.  Arabesque, turn first position, plie, down -2-3-4 up, open."  And yes, we still remember that part of the dance.  So it is with affection and odd familiarity that we watch Camila in her recital. . . . before our eyes are violently assaulted by what happens next, when Nurse Nikki shows up in this:

Nurse Nikki has literally forgotten her top.  We repeat, There Is No Top.  It is backless, entirely. The front is a cocktail of double-stick tape and Regret.  And also, Nurse Nikki has a Back Fat Tattoo.  We at the BNU cannot decide if the tattoo is a dove or a bunny.  But it does not matter either way because it is in the back-fat zone, and is going to look like a ripply Little Pink Cloud in about 10 years.

Apparently the date goes well, because now we're back to The Sharl.
"Wait!" says This Viewer.  "I have that sweater!!!"
"But do you wear it with a black bra and also, salmon formal shorts?" asks KMu.  Good point.
Here is the Sharl, confessing to the women that she feels that she is conflicted and does not want to take the place of Another Woman, and so she is going to Say Goodbye.  Oh!!!  She knocks on Juan Ton's door, tells him this is excrutiating but that she doesn't think she can get to the place she needs to be in three weeks, and starts to cry.  He looks past the sweater and formal shorts and is completely awesome about it.  And then he goes on the balcony and cries after she leaves.  And we cry for him too, because we think he really liked her and now all he's left with is Renee and the crazies.   The Sharl drives off, wondering if she made the right decision. .  . .

And, hard edit to the group date.  Juan Ton gets off a sea plane to meet Andi, Banana Mouth, Norma Cassidy, and Renee.
"The typeface on that sea plane is poorly kerned," observes ABe.  Thank you for that.
Apparently, there WILL be a rose given out on this date, which will secure the meeting of family next week.  Immediately Banana Mouth springs into action, grabbing JP for some 1:1 time, in which she shows him all sorts of letters from her family and talks non-stop.
"She is such a rattlepate," says This Viewer.
"WTF is that even a word?" asks ABe.
"Um, she talks a lot," says This Viewer.
"You made that shit up," says ABe.
But we didn't.  WE DIDN'T.

Aaaaanyway, in her own 1:1 time, Andi informs Juan Ton "get ready for a break down" and then starts to cry about how she's no good at letting go and how this is all so hard, and then coos to him about how he calms her down "so much."  We are tired of this.  We are equally tired of Norma Cassidy going on about how she is the youngest of six girls, and how her father made a video before he died for her future husband, and so forth.

One hard edit later, and Andi gets the rose.  They kiss in the ocean, which probably cheeses Norma Cassidy, and then go to a Romeo Santos concert where he sings into a golden microphone and we all learn that Andi has no rhythm.

SO, back at the ranch, there is a chick fight between Nurse Nikki and Norma Cassidy.  As much as we would like these ladies to select each other out of the gene pool, we refuse to devote the time to this exchange that ABC devotes to it.  Basically, this fight may be summarized as;
Norma:  "I am bummed that Andi got the rose and I didn't.
Nurse N:  "This is stupid" [stomps off]
Norma:  [chasing after her] "What's going on?"
Nurse N:  "You were talking shit about my friend"
Norma:  What did I say that was talking shit?"
Nurse N:  "I am not saying you were talking shit. And also, I don't like you AND we're never going to be friends AND also [insert a bunch of crap]."

As KMu observes: "I don't like Norma Cassidy at all, but she was pretty much in the right on this one, other than the first mistake of even attempting the conversation at all."

So now it's the rose ceremony, and all of the women are wearing the same dress but in different colors.  It is awkward, for a variety of reasons, including a painful silence between Norma Cassidy and Nurse Nikki in which we literally hear dogs howling in the background.

In the end, to join Andi with roses, Juan Ton picks,
1.  Nurse Nikki
2.  Norma Cassidy, and
3.  Renee.  Oh thank god.

Banana Mouth goes home.  She handles it well, but at this point, the only person we care about on this show is Renee, and we know that she is probably not going to win, so. . . .yeah.

Gentle readers, this is a VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION:  This Viewer is travelling for the next two weeks, doing Work Items.  We are going to try very hard to blog next week, which ABC has inconveniently decided to make Very Difficult by having Both a Monday and Tuesday night episode.  But if we cannot, it will happen later in the week.  As this Viewer is secretly not sure anyone reads this blog, we will hope no one is too disappointed by a potential time delay.

But if we are able to blog next week, we will apparently learn that Something Happens in the Fantasy Suite, and then everyone cries and maybe someone else goes home.

-KLo.

Juan Ton Part 6: Won't You Take Me To. . . Hobbit Town.

Babies, we begin Juan Ton Part 6 in the very bucketmost place on this Viewer's bucket list:  New Zealand.  We are traumatized that ABC would defile our travel hopes and dreams in such a manner, but there it is.  And here he is:  Man of the Hour, Juan Ton.  As his helicopter zooms over geysers "bubbling up from under the earth" (much like the bitterness in this Viewer's Soul), he tells us all that he is ready to Take It To the Next Level.

And now we are at the Huka Lodge, and we are bored.  The women are walking around in the verdant magic, and Forever 21 is excited.  Norma Cassidy, on the other hand, wants to "feel wanted again."  You know, because she didn't feel "wanted" getting the first 1:1 date, having the second group date revolve around her, and making out with The Ton in the ocean.  But she swoops down upon date card #1, sure of herself, and reads:

"Andi, let's heat things up."

Says KMu: "Norma Cassidy is going to be on a Lifetime movie.  The way she's looking down at that date card looks like she's going to cutta bitch."

"Tomorrow is going to change everything for you" says a voiceless woman.  We at the BNU debate whether a producer just read that line from the side of the room, since no one looks like they believe it.   Except maybe Forever 21, who tells Renee in a fireside chat later that evening that she feels like for the "longest time" in her 21 years she was content being by herself and focusing on her son, but now She Is Ready, and also, struggling to find someone who values both her AND her son.  Renee listens and supports her.

"Renee is too good for this show," says ABe, for All Of Us.

But we're supposed to be paying attention to Andi, in her white jeans and boots, so let's all do that.  Oh! Her emotions are bubbling! Oh! This is getting real! We again struggle with boredom until Juan Ton takes her on a "river jet" and the music from Every Cheesy Cop Movie from the 1980s starts.  We love this music.  Except we are not really liking Andi.  There's nothing wrong with her, per se.  It's just that she looks miserable and cold and says such things as:
"It's raining.  I like rain."
Andi is about to get even wetter, as Juan Pablo informs her that they are going to get into the freezing cold water and walk through "The Squeeze."

First of all, Andi is now wearing this:

When this viewer was a child, her mother tied her mittens to shoe strings and ran said strings through our coat sleeves, so that we would Not Lose Them.  Andi has apparently taken the same approach to her bottoms.

Secondly, as we watch Juan Ton, Andi, and Andi's bottoms-on-a-string squeeze through narrower and narrower rocks, KMu speaks the Universal Truth for All of Us:
"This is where I would be left to die."

We secretly think Andi is thinking the same thing.  But Andi is in another world entirely, concluding that it "feels so good to be taken care of" by Juan Ton.  Because that is what All of Us Want in life:  to be Taken Care Of in the middle of wedgity rocks. What does that even mean? And also, as they approach a waterfall and then proceed to dramatically kiss as the water pours down on top of their heads: "It was cold.  It was hot. I can't wait to see what tonight brings."

Swimming in a waterfall, to this Viewer, is one of those Romantic Things that are really Less Romantic than they Are Sold To Be, like chocolate-dipped strawberries, in which the choco-shizzle gets all up in your teeth, or kissing while being hit in the face with a fire hose.  This Viewer once swam in a waterfall, in a foreign land.  We nearly lost a contact and went home vaguely squishy and damp.  Happy Valentine's Day, Gentle Readers.

 Just to conclude this date, Andi "hopes tonight we have a Beak Through, and Feel It With Each Other."  Whatever "It" was that Andi was hoping to Feel, she and Juan Pablo are rained out of their dinner by a Geyser Gushing Forth, leaving us with the following Pearls of Wisdom:
Juan Ton: "Wow, that was A Big One"
ABe: [cackling softly from the sofa]
Andi:  "If I didn't have a job or nice things, I'd still be ok as long as I had love"
KMu:  "Oh god, another one of those 'live on love' women."
Juan Ton: " I want Love.  Somebody. Kids."
Andi:  "It's so ironic to be standing next to a geyser, because our chemistry is Bursting Through also."

Really?  REALLY?  She gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the resort, the next date card has come for all of the women EXCEPT Norma Cassidy.  "Let love roll" the card says.  But we don't care because dammit, this means Norma Cassidy gets the 1:1 to follow.

The group date begins in Rotarua, in which the women meet in a field for a picnic.  Forever 21 is turning 22 today, making her hopeful for her "fairy tale ending."  Oh, Forever 21. Someday, you will realize that the fairy tale ending is the man who scrapes your car when it snows. Not the man who leaves you on sheep poop in the middle of The Shire.

This date involves taking off winter coats and putting on bikinis to roll in giant water-filled balls down the hill.
"How does it end?" asks The Sharl.
"Badly" says Nurse Nikki.
"Are they talking about the balls or this season?" asks KMu.

We at the BNU are amazed, quite frankly, that no one throws up on this date.  Nurse Nikki kisses Juan Ton in the ball, as does various other people.  And also, Sharleen's swimsuit has some kind of tassles on it.  We are terrified.

 But C for continue, and so we progress to Hobbit Town, where The Lord of the Rings was filmed.   "Juan Ton, won't you take me to [doo doo doo doo] Hobbit Town." we sing softly.  As this Viewer secretly loves small houses, we would be disproportionately excited about being the Land O'Hobbits than being with Juan Ton.  The Sharl feels as we do, and we don't quite know what to think about that.

Juan Ton immediately pulls Renee away for 1:1 time.  YAY!! We love Renee!  Except the Ton tells her that she is one of his "special ones."
"What does that even mean?" asks ABe.
After a momentary pang of fear that Juan Ton means "special" as in the Urban Chickens from Juan Ton Part 5, this Viewer concludes that Renee is "special" to  Juan Ton because she is a  mom, not because she has any kind of particular hold on JT.   We feel sad for her, and also raise our mini-bottle of wine in her direction as, in what must be a Bachelor first, Renee talks about another contestant without being nasty about her:  Renee explains that she and Forever 21 had a moment of missing their kids.  

1:1 time with Nurse Nikki involves a bejeweled navajo blanket of a mini-skirt, which Juan Ton promptly covers with a quilt.  Undeterred,  Nurse Nikki starts out: "It's kinda scary and hard to be here. . . "
"OMG, she's going to be 'tortured' again," mutters KMu in annoyance.
The whole damsel-working-through-hard-and-scary-things apparently works for Juan Ton, as extensive tongue follows from there.  We at the BNU are Grossed Out.

Meanwhile, 1:1 time with The Sharl is just. .. awkward.  Juan Ton doesn't even attempt to talk to her, immediately launching towards her face.  The Sharl breaks free, scoots away, and begins talking avidly about Hobbit Town and not knowing "what he thinks.  or what she thinks.  Or what they think together.'  
"Don't think.  Make the best of this" croons Juan Ton to The Sharl.
"Did he really just say that?" asks ABe.
"Yes, while stroking her face," confirms KMu. "But in fairness, that was a really polite way to tell her to shut up."

At long last, it is 1:1 time with Forever 21.  She launches into a speech about needing a father figure for her son, and how he is a great guy, and we feel nervous.  In a voice over, Renee says that as much as she would like a rose, she feels like Forever 21 needs it more.  But Juan Ton doesn't have that in mind, as he gently lets her go, explaining that he wishes they were "in the same chapter" but they are not.

Forever 21 cries in the limo, and then ABC ruins it by playing some kind of weepy love song about mysic music and also, bullshit.  When This Viewer was in college, we made a mix tape filled with sad love songs so that if we were sad, We Could Wallow.  We don't know whether to be pleased or traumatized that ABC has continued the tradition.

Randomly, the Sharl gets the rose on this date.

At last it is the date we have been dreading:  1:1 with Norma Cassidy.  We will make this brief.  Norma Cassidy still wants to hash it out over the night-swimming thing that they have already talked about three times.   Essentially, she wants an apology from him because this is, of course, a Black and White issue and he is, of course, In The Wrong.  She yammers at him until he says something along the lines of being upset because he made her cry, which she takes as a Confession of Wrongdoing.  And now she is happy, the heavens have opened up, and we can all move on.

We are tired.

We are also creeped out by the dinner portion of this date, in which Juan Ton wants to know if Norma Cassidy's "heart is melting a little bit."
If Juan Ton cannot see that the Ice Queen persona is a complete act created for him to feel that he has Triumphed by Scaling the Walls of Conflict and Adversity to Attain his Love, he is Dead To Us.
But he apparently does not.  Instead, he gives her a pair of his sweatpants, talks about how attracted he is to her, and dances with her in his room.

She gets the rose.

The rose ceremony is finally upon us.  As the thunder rolls, the women soberly file into a room and 1:1 time commences.  ON THE KITTY.

Nurse Nikki is first up, and immediately pulls down he micro-skirt.
"Why is it that everything Nikki wears requires it to be tugged down?" asks KMu.
We secretly think it's because of the Powers Of The Kitty.
She tells him that she wants a "forever partner" and a "happy ending."
We are pretty sure that Nikki could get her happy ending at any of the many parlors within most American cities.  But we don't say that either, because Nurse Nikki has unhinged her jaw and is now kissing Juan Ton.

In subsequent 1:1 times, Juan Ton actually talks to Renee, and then is talked AT by Banana Mouth and Electra.  We don't like either of them, but if we had to choose who would be going home, it would be Electra based upon her "scandalously cut mourning dress" of black lace (supplies KMu).

Sure enough, to join The Sharl, Norma Cassidy, and Andi with roses, Juan Ton picks;
1.  Nurse Nikki
2.  Renee [YAY], and. . .
3.  Banana Mouth.

Electra is upset.  She cries and admits that she saw herself going to the finish line.  She has a "problem," gentle readers, and that "problem" is that all her life, she has been told How Great a Catch she is and how Any Guy Would be Lucky to Have Her.  And so she doesn't understand why it keeps Not Happening in her 26 years.  We sigh and take a drink.

More interestingly, but no less un-surprising, the Sharl is also upset.  She is excited to continue to the next knock-out round, but also doesn't really feel like she has a connection with Juan Ton.  She will give it another week, she declares, and then take off.

And where will Juan Ton take us all next week?  Bienvenidos a Miami, babies.

-KLo

Juan Ton Part 5: Just Like a Baby Giraffe

Babies, we have Mixed Feelings about Urban Chickens, mostly hovering along the lines of, "it's only a matter of time before Someone Starts Dressing Them Up." So it is with some confusion that we begin Juan Ton Part 5 with a flash to what momentarily appears to be Extra Crispy, Special Recipe, and Cordon Bleau, a/k/a our sister ERo's Urban Chickens, clucking around in a cage.  Because ABC isn't really showing our sister's back yard, but. . . Vietnam.  As our mind processes this fact, it suddenly all makes more sense.

Soon we see Juan Ton, who vows that he is "keeping his eyes very open" towards the women, which cannot be true because he has kept Norma Cassidy.  And then we see the remaining ladies.  "Oh, there is water! Trees! The sun! It's Beautiful!" some woman says.  "He travels, and we follow!" concludes Electra. 

So back to the Urban Chickens just for a minute.  Our friend AFa once decided to hatch some chickens at our former employ.  Except there was a storm.  And the heat lamp went out for a length of time.  And some chickens Did Not Make It.  And those who did, where a little . . . Special Recipe.   But every now and then they were smart enough to escape the bunny hutch behind our trailer, which is where AFa kept them.  Except AFTER the Great Escape, they would just stand there.  Waiting for AFa to herd them back into the hutch because where she went, they followed.  All the way to the butcher, Electra, THE BUTCHER.  

Aaaaanyway, the first date card comes, and it is for Renee!! YAY!  "Are we the right fit?" it queries.  We like Renee, and are torn between rooting for her . . . and rooting for her to get the hell out of dodge.  Andi the prosecutor is worried, but really This Viewer cannot be bothered.  

As the screen caption says "[traditional vietnamese music plays]" (which, ABe notes, is only a hair better than "African Choir Singing African Music") we find ourselves in Hoi An for another Walk Around Town and Buy Things date.  Mercifully, Renee is wearing a tanktop and shorts that are neither buttless nor backless.  

"She even dresses normally, and not all souped up" says ABe. 

So Juan Ton pedals her around in a bike cab, which we secretly think is just an excuse to look down her top, and then voice-over observes that they are the same age, both have kids, both want the same things, blah.   We continue to chant "renee renee reneeeeeee" except then Juan Ton takes her into a dress shop to have a custom Vietnamese dress made, and totally watches as they take her measurements.  As Renee laughs it off, we realize that she has clearly not hit the point in her life where her measurements read something along the lines of: 

                    Acceptable if Elevated

                         Potato Chips

                 Hail Storm In the World of No

As expected, they buy gifts for their own kids and each other's kids.  Then, as they transition from afternoon to evening wear, Renee waltzes out in her new dress and handles questions about her son's father beautifully (they were young when the got married, grew apart, but now work together as a team for their son) and we think Juan Ton HAS to kiss  her now.  Because it has been three weeks and we are starting to fear The Friend Zone.   And then this happens: 

"Her eyes hypnotize me.  She is so beautiful.  I FEEL I would like to kiss her, but I won't because she has a son." 

Stop the presses, Juan Ton.  You have been swapping the spittles with every other person on this show, including Forever 21 [who is a mom, btw], and yet you won't kiss Renee?  We secretly think you know We At the BNU would Hunt You Down Like An Urban Chicken if you were to mess with her.  But still, just because she wears the Mom Jeans, does not mean she is not a Woman With Needs. 

She gets the rose and makes the best of it. We at the BNU fume. 

Back at the house, the doorbell has bo-jangled, and a group date is upon us.  We have no memory of this card, but the date is for The Sharl, Banana Mouth, Electra, Forever 21, the Dog Lover, Andi, Norma Cassidy, Danielle, and Alli.  

The first stop is paddling around in the water in various coracle boats built for two.  As the women team up to sit in their boats, Norma Cassidy is left alone and ends up with. . . Juan Ton.  

"For the first time, not having any friends is a benefit," observes the Dog Lover.  Once again, TDL for the win. 

Except suddenly WTF, because Juan Ton has paddled Norma Cassidy under the trees and is kissing her in their coracle as the other women look on.  KMu explodes from across the room about Different Sets of Rules and Renee Being Robbed.  

The other women observe that they are on a 1:1 date with Juan Ton and Norma Cassidy.  "Alli and I have had an awesome date," says Banana Mouth. "Juan Ton has really just sort of been around . . . "  We like Banana Mouth, despite ourselves.

Next, the group allegedly goes to a "vietnamese person's house" and helps them in the fields and then makes dinner.  As the "vietnamese person" hands out exactly the right number of traditional hats to all the women, This Viewer Cries Bullshit.

"Can you imagine them going to Kidron, OH and doing this bullshit with the Amish?" mutters ABe over her wine. 

Once, an Amish friend of the family made what This Viewer calls a  "Sin Strainer" (hair covering) for the doll of This Viewer's sister.  SHa has a vague memory of our mother saying, "Oh that's lovely dear.  I will put it in the Keepsake Box," after which she never saw it again.  As this is the same sister who later (1) owned a Dolly Parton wig, and (2) secretly loved Britney Spears Circa Slave For You, This Viewer has no comment as to potential long-term impacts of putting such items in the keepsake box.  But we digress. 

Back on the date, Juan Ton begins his post-dinner 1:1 times with Norma Cassidy. WTF. The other women grumble about her continuing to monopolize his time and we Cannot Blame Them.  Particularly as Norma Cassidy's conversation skills are horrible: 

"So, what are you looking for?" she asks.  Really??? On week three, this is your leading question? 

Juan Ton, of course, wants someone who is "fun, smart, mature," etc. and then quickly abandons all pretenses of wanting A Normal Person by sneaking Norma Cassidy up to his suite to make out in the pool.  

"I think he's melting the ice queen!" Norma Cassidy giggles.  This Viewer wishes he would, so that he could see that she's all vapor and crap. 

After an unknown amount of time, Juan Ton has moved on to the other women.  His 1:1 time with The Sharl may be summed up as follows: 

KMu:  "I think her ass just fell out of the side of that dress." 

Not out of the bottoms, Babies.  Out. Of. The. SIDE. 

But The Sharl is talking about how she wants to be a "Panda in a Room Full of Brown Bears" and we at the BNU are hopelessly laughing and THEN she says that she can't show Juan Ton "all of her cards" and KMu asks the question we All Want to Know (All of Us): 

"If you can show half of your ass, why won't you show all of your cards?"

 We grow even more confused as Juan Ton makes out with The Sharl.  And Forever 21.  And Andi.  

RENEE WAS ROBBED, we conclude.  

And then Norma Cassidy gets the rose on this date and our poor hearts cannot take it.   We at the BNU despise this woman.  Even more when she sneaks back to Juan Ton's suite and begs him to go swim in the ocean with her at 4 a.m.  AND HE DOES.  And also, he says this: "the waves were wild.  And we got a little wild too." AND THEN she says this:  "It's like a baby giraffe is born, and they have those wobbly legs." 

Baby.  Giraffe.  We. No. Words. 

Sadly, we have nothing to look forward to.  Absolutely nothing.  Because the next date is for Nurse Nikki, and it says "let's have a hell of a good time."  We hope he throws her in a fire pit. 

So Nurse Nikki dresses "like an extra for The Hunger Games," (supplies ABe) and goes off to meet her swain.  Let's just observe this outfit for a moment.  Katniss braid with bedazzled wedding dress belt in her hair.  Diaper top.  Shorts.  We would say she looks 12 years old except to do so would suggest that we think it is Wrong For One So Young to be sent to The Games.  Except we don't in this case. 

They sit down to talk, and it looks like an old man talking to his daughter.  But before even this can sink in, we learn that Juan Ton is about to Fulfull Our Dreams by Dropping Nurse Nikki In a Cave and  Hopefully Leaving Her There.  As this part of the date is also known as "belaying down the cave wall," we don't have high hopes.  At least Nurse Nikki is nervous.  She says she will either "live or die or poop my pants."  

Gentle readers, the live/die/poop our pants decision is one We All Face every day.  And yet This Viewer sincerely hopes that none of us conclude, like Nurse Nikki, that it is "like falling in love." 

They make it down the mountain.  They kiss.  He takes her to dinner and she forgets her bottoms.  They talk about her continually, and also the fact that neither of them are "morning' people. 

"She doesn't have any pants on" interrupts ABe.

"My job showed me. .. .who I am." says Nurse Nikki.

Which is Pantsless. 

"I have such a huge heart," she concludes. 

To make up for the LACK OF PANTS. 

And also, apparently, the lack of grammar, because if she "wasn't ready to be a mom, she wouldn't have came here."  

We cry silently to ourselves as she gets the rose. 

At last the rose ceremony is upon us.  The women arrive by boat to what appears to be a mini-golf course. Here are the highlights: 

Renee gets her kiss, and it is swooping-in-mid-conversation swoon-worthy.  YAY!!!  She dances in a circle and we love her more. 

In more irritating news, Juan Ton informs Norma Cassidy that he feels they took things too far and that he wouldn't be proud if his daughter saw the clip of them eating each other's faces in the ocean.  Norma Cassidy instantly starts crying and makes it all about her. Which includes: crying in the bathroom and blaming it on "allergies," and also, running out into the yard and making Juan Ton come after her to sooth her ruffled feathers, for she Never Intended to Disrespect His Daughter.  One way or the other, this woman with the rose manages to take Juan Ton away from all the other women who don't have one yet.  And we hate her.  

So by the time it's time to give out roses, we knew what was coming.  To join Nurse Nikki, Norma Cassidy, and Renee (our Great White Hope) with roses, he picks: 

1.  the Sharl

2.  Forever 21

3.  Banana Mouth

4.  Electra, and

5.  Andi

Going Home are Alli, who looked exactly like at least two other women and so her exit will be helpful.  And also, the Dog Lover and Daniella.  They are crying, and he is crying, and weirdly, so is The Sharl. 

Stay tuned for next week, when the ladies go to New Zealand and KMu wants to know Who's Gonna Ride Their Wild Horses. 

-KLo