The Prosecutrix Part 2: The Marble Bag

So last week, this Viewer informed ABe that we would not be able to watch La Prosecutrix with her because we would be In The Big City.  To which she responded, "I won't be able to watch either BECAUSE I WILL BE IN UGANDA."  This Viewer is a terrible person for forgetting.  Nonetheless, we dutifully borrowed the television of Our Sister and Big City Dweller, SHa, so that we might share the Pearls of Wisdom that dropeth from La Prosecutrix's lips with All.  Five minutes into the episode, we realize those pearls consist of:
"This is so real!"
"These men have a level of seriousness mixed in with fun!"
"One of these men could be my husband!"

We immediately find the alcohol.

The men have moved into their mansion, "which looks like Hacienda," observes SHa.  It is turquoise and yellow, with tragic geometric curtains.  More importantly,  one of the men is wearing a hat that looks like a legwarmer.  We Hate That Hat (All of Us).   Blah Blah, Chris Harrison informs them that The Prosecutrix is one of the "most impressive" bachelorettes they've ever had.  We at the BNU dutifully acknowledge that she has, in fact, resisted the urge to get freakishly thin between Season Juan Ton and this Season.  Nonetheless, we withhold judgment on her alleged Impressivity until we discover whether she acts Like A Lawyer or not.   Please god, let her Not.

The first date card arrives, and it is for Dora.  "Love Is Everywhere!" It says.  Dora may or may not have used the word "Fairytale" in exclaiming his excitement getting this date.  We grow tired, but soon the Prosecutrix has shown up in a convertible to whisk Dora away on his date.  We know we are supposed to care, but seriously, WTF is up with the guy in the legwarmer hat?  And also, what is up with Marcus, and WHO is Marcus, and why is he jealous?

So The Prosecutrix has picked Dora for the first date because he is "really cute."  And also, he rode a motorcycle halfway across Africa.  He also camped with a witch doctor, also in Africa, because of course he did.   We secretly hope that is what ABe is doing in Uganda Right This Moment.

But we are  not finished, because now they are at the beach, and making the most unimaginative sandcastle ever!  "We already built our first home together!" Dora exclaims.  If that is the case, it is a doublewide trailer.  But we have stopped caring because The Prosecutrix is wearing a crochet bikini.   This Viewer once tried on a crochet bikini, in our much younger and I-am-a-dancer-therefore-I-don't-understand-the-use-of-elasticized-waistbands days.  Even then, EVEN in the ballet days, it looked like This Viewer put on an crocheted onion basket that should be Hanging Over The Sink instead of holding exactly one half of This Viewer's ass.  Tragedy, Thy Name is Crochet.

So just in case the carbon footprint of this date was not big enough already, The Prosecutrix decides to take Dora up in a helicopter.. . . .to somewhere snowy!!! "I can't believe that 20 minutes ago we were in sand, and now we are in snow!" says Dora.
"Is he Amish?" asks SHa.
But stop the presses, because some person who is named Louis Vitto(n) is there to teach Dora and the Prosecutrix how to snowboard!  We know that name, and are unsure if it is because Mr. Louis Vitto(n) was a prior contestant or alternatively, is a professional snowboarder.   We hate this part of the date, because Dora can snowboard but is excited to see The Prosecutrix try because he "likes snowbunnies," and The Prosecutrix says snowboarding is as bad as dancing for her.  Which is BAD.

The Prosecutrix is dismayed because Dora can, of course, snowboard and "he's good at everything!! Can we find something he's not good at?"
"Paragliding" whispers this Viewer.
SHa tells us we are on the Short Bus to Hell.

Dora and The Prosecutrix go to dinner at a lodge.  Oh!  Dora is Smart! (says The Prosecutrix).  Oh!  He is not only hot, but gorgeous!  Those Piercing Blue Eyes!!  Meh.  She asks him to name three things he is bad at, and he only gets to one:  He can't play piano "very well."  This Viewer also is not her finest at the piano or in blogging stream of conscious at the asscrack of dawn, but neither has stopped this Viewer from being completely judgmental about Dora's story about visiting Syria "as a journalist" and nearly being killed by Bad People before being informed that he must "go back to Turkey."  But, Gentle Readers, he did "take the most powerful photograph" of his "career" there.  We try valiantly to like Dora, but he just is so.... vanilla.

As we learn that Dora wants children and is whittling away at his list of things he will never do once he has a kid, he gets the rose on this date. But not before they make S'Mores.  This Viewer throws up a little in her mouth.

Off we go to date #2, which is a group date for a passel of men, including at least (and no, we don't know who these people are):  Ryan, Marquel, Bradley, Mackledouche, Patrick, Cody, Tazo, Marcus (who is marcus???), Nick S, Dylan, and probably someone else.  Ooo, and Carl the Firefighter.  The Hotness.

 The Prosecutrix meets the men outside some mall, and we do a double take because she is wearing a royal blue drape as a shirt.  And those jeggings that one can purchase at the Walgreens.  Soft like pajamas!  But look like jeans!   Marquel doesn't mind:  "If we are hunting bears, I can tackle some bears down pretty easily," says he.  Ok, This Viewer wants a Person of Color (POC) to go deep into this season, but Marquel is not helping the mission.  And also, you are AT THE DAMN MALL, Marquel.  THE MALL.

But Oh. My. God.  There are male strippers.  And they are dancing.  And The Prosecutrix's men and also ALL OF US are going to be exposed to the "world of exotic male dancing" on this date.  Gentle readers, This Viewer has been exposed, on multiple occasions and in varying degrees of quality, to That World.  But never, ever, will we forget our neighbor requiring us to sit through reams of pictures of her bachelorette party, in which a midwestern stripper Performed Unto Her Lap in a Red Thong.  Allegedly, our other neighbor could hear This Viewer's screams of "NOOOO" across the garden.

We get a little nervous for the Prosecutrix.  And then we get confused because The Sharl and The Dog Lover are here to support her in her time of need.  What?? And then Nick the Golf Pro is being assigned the role of Robot Who Takes It All Off.  And then Marcus (WHO THE HELL IS MARCUS?) is being assigned the solo of Soldier Boy.  And now they are practicing and Christ Jesus there is Carl the Firefighter and he is dancing as a firefighter and we all think We Might Die.  But then we all really do because Josh, who looks exactly like Every Man on this show forever, is doing a little dance for The Prosecutrix.
"I am horrified," says This Viewer.
"Yet vaguely turned on," observes SHa.

And then we see the outfits.
"Well, that's a Marble Bag," observes one man.
This Viewer just learned a new term.

So now they are obtaining the spray tans and greasing up and also, lifting the weights.  And soon we see "four sexy cowboys," which include Everyman, Craig (who we are coming to despise), Marquel, and maybe Nick, strutting their stuff before A Live Audience?  The Prosecutrix is traumatized because she saw Nick's teeth when he bent over.  Craig is traumatized because Everyman is basically built like a brick outhouse and Craig is not.  WE are traumatized because after the sexy cowboys, there are the fireman INCLUDING CARL.  THE HOTNESS.  And also, including Patrick, who we don't like because he is an Ad Man and has greased back hair.  He claims he will have PTSD.  Sweetness, as do we all.

In the end, Marcus encourages himself to Become Naked by repeating to himself that this is for "Charity," and then rocks it in his soldierboy solo.  Ooooh, that's who Marcus is.  Wait, or is that Brian?

"They worked it." Observes Andi.  "Some of them look like they had worked it before."  The Prosecutrix, For The Win!

Now we are at dinner, and The Prosecutrix wants to "dig deeper" with these men. Okay, so 1:1 with Brian.  Andi was "so impressed with" him, gentle readers.  He is a TEACHER, but got through the stripping by repeating "charity charity charity" and also, he hopes his kids "will be proud."  Wait, was he the Soldier boy, and not  Marcus?  We think so.  Damn it, so who is Marcus???

Next up, 1:1 with Everyman . . . who doesn't want to be "stereotyped as a pro athlete."  We actually like him, despite ourselves, because he is incredibly nervous.  But we agree with Andi when she says that her back is up a little bit with him because she has dated athletes in the past and is familiar with "the lifestyle."  This Viewer, too, had a short history dating athletes until one day in the grocery store, one told us to "Back That Thang Up."  And We Did, all the way back home.

 The big news here is that Craig is shitfaced.  And drinking heavily still. And jumping in the pool.  We are disappointed when producers take him home, instead of The Prosecutrix kicking him to the curb.  We are even more disappointed when, after enduring Craig and his drunkenness, we must listen to The Opera Singer sing for Andi while she smiles politely.
"If You are an Opera Singer,..... just don't do that," observes SHa.
We know the Sharl, wherever she is, agrees.

So Marcus gets the rose on this date, but we would be remiss if we did not mention that The Prosecutrix has Forgotten Her Top:

"I see Tweener," says SHa.

So the last date is for The Farmer, who looks vaguely like Matthew Mcconaughay.  We like him when he says he needs to "put lipstick on this pig," as he goes to get ready for his date.   Which is at the Santa Anita Horse Races.  And for once, we covet The Prosecutrix's dress, which is somewhat fabulous and 1940s-esque.  Oh!  She wants to know McConaughay because he is a farmer, and she is a city girl!  Oh!  She is is dream girl and he wants to make her happy and make her fall in love with him!  Ok, so that last part worries us a little because he doesn't even know her, really, but still.

SO this part we weren't paying attention to because we were mostly playing with SHa's baby, but we think mint julips were involved.  And betting on races.  And also, there is a complete Plant of The Music Man and his Wife, in the form of a couple who allegedly has been married for 55 years and wants to know how long McConaughay and The Prosecutrix have been together.  We cry Bullshittery.   The only time any couple has ever asked that of This Viewer and a Paramour (historically), was in the middle of a spectacular argument In The Bar of a Chain Restaurant.  Keep it classy, KLo.

ANYWAY, McConaughay is apparently "refreshing" to Andi, after the drama of Drunken Craig the night before, because he is there for the Right Reasons.  And also, There For Her.  They go dance to the song stylings of "This Wild Life," as he earns the rose and the first kiss of the show.  And it is not gross!  YAY!!!

"This is too much like college," says SHa, as she observes the slow dancing to a strained ballad sung by heavily tattooed men, one with an AH-MAZING beard.

We may have spent part of our college years at our sister's college, but we remember it a little differently, including but not limited to One Gentleman giving a lady A Concussion headbanging at at a college dance.  When his picture was later in the school paper, This Viewer and her roommates glued it to a piece of cork and made it a door knocker, in honor of his status as Headknocker Boy.  This is why we were single for many years (yes, gentle readers, the ONLY REASON).

Ooookay, so at last the rose ceremony is upon us, and the big news is that The Prosecutrix is wearing "one of those 1970s beaded door curtains," observes SHa.  Except she looks really good in it.  Curse her.  Patrick the disgustingly slicked back Ad Man, agrees.

We know there are some 1:1 times here, including Nick and The Prosecutrix agreeing that they are both holding out for Something Special, and also, EveryMan winning us over AGAIN with his incredible nervousness yet suave suave ways in which he steals a kiss in the bushes.  And then finally, a song by Drunken Craig:
I messed up last night;
I had too much Firefly;
I bared my junk to 13 other guys;
I hope and pray that it's alright.
Oooooh, Andi.
Please let me stay.

(spoiler alert) She doesn't.

In the end, to join Dora, Marcus, and McConaughay with roses, she picks:
1. Ron.  Query: will a POC make it to the end?
2.  Dillon . We don't know this person.
3.  JJ, the Pantspraneur.
4.  Marquel.  Yay!
5.  Andrew.  Nope, don't know him either.
6.  Tazo.
7. Everyman
8.   Mackledouche.  WHAT?
9.  Nick V.
10.  Ad Man.  Ugh.
11.  Brian, a/k/a Soldierboy.
12.  Brett.  Doesn't he have a mullet???
13.  The Opera Singer.  NOOOOOO.

CARL, THE HOTNESS, goes home.  We are really sad.  We care less about The Golf Pro and Drunken Craig, who also go home.

Stay tuned for next week, when ABC tries to kill this Viewer with two back-to-back episodes, including one Sunday night.

-Peace,
KLo

The Prosecutrix Part 1: In Which This Viewer Sings the Song of Her People

Gentle readers, KMu had baby BMu on Friday. While This Viewer secretly thinks that the timing of his entrance unto this earth was designed to save the entire Mu family from The Prosecutrix Part 1, we nonetheless are thrilled for the Mus.  And so ABe and This Viewer suffer, quietly and Alone, through what is always the worst episode of all season:  the introductions.

We shall do this in two parts:  The Facts. . . followed by Our Secret Feelings, emoted in song. Because it is late.  And this Viewer is slap happy and bitter at ABC and The Prosecutrix for picking such a pile of uninteresting men for us all to endure for the next few months. 

Part One, In Which This Viewer Reports The Facts: 

Lo, for here is Andi, our heroine, who at 27 has QUIT HER JOB as a prosecutrix to "follow love." That is a damn fool decision, and also, we hate most of the outfits she has quit her job to try on.  But we don't get a vote, as sister Cecily shows up to help Andi select a dress for the first night.  Will it be the gold lame American Hustle dress, or the one that makes her look like a Christmas bauble? 

Christmas bauble it is.  

One hard edit later, and we are suddenly seeing men pop out of limos.  Well, this is a New and Violent Format, ABC. 

As we survey the crime scene, we try to remember which one has the "biggest date fear" of "accidental diarrhea" (according to his bio, which we cannot bother to go find again).   This Viewer would not think that was A Thing, except that we dated someone once that had it.  Sigh.  This Viewer can do many things, including make a man have the Nervous Poops. 

Okay, here comes limo #1. 

"Bad Boys Bad Boys, watcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" sings ABe. And we have: 

1.  Marcus, a sports medicine something or other that "has a lot to give and offer."  Meh. 

2.  Chris, a farmer from Iowa.  We love us a farmer!!!

3.  JJ, a pantspraneur.  No, we don't know what that is.  And also, when This Viewer was a 10 years old, we were in a jazz class with JJ, the most popular girl in all of the local high school, with the mall bangs and the long long legs and the light blue eye shadow.  She was also a cheerleader.  And while JJ was probably not as thrilled as This Viewer to be in jazz class with a 10 year old, This Viewer will always cherish dancing with her to "How Will I Know (If He Really Loves Me)" in our red pants-leotards, like Mini-Centaurs of Awesome.  

4 . Marquel, a POC who brings his "A game."  ABe gives him an "8" of hotness, though he has no neck. 

5.  Tasos, whom we shall call Tazo.  He is a wedding planner and is allegedly not gay, despite the wearing of potentially no socks and the story about Lovers' Bridge in France.  He instructs The Prosecutrix on how to put a lock on the fence and throw away the key, and we hate him for it.  Men Who Instruct Make Us Fussy (All of Us). 

And then we don't know what is happening, because Limo #2 has shows up with. . .

6.  The most douchey Macklemore impersonator ever.   He is spray tanned, and also a personal trainer from Chicago.  We don't like Mackledouche. 

7.  Bachelor Ben, reincarnated as Steven the snowboarder.  We channel all of our rage from season Ben-that-we-did-not-blog-and-his-hair-of-horror  onto Steven. 

8.  Rudie, an Attorney.  Noooooooooo. 

"May I approach the Bachelorette" he asks.  AND THEN he gives her a Voluntary 4th (Amendment) Waiver that looks like he wrote it in crayon.  This is why lawyers should never represent themselves pro se. 

But now We at the BNU are not breathing any more because: 

9.  Carl the firefighter has stepped out. ABe gives him a "6" and This Viewer immediately adds three more points.  We did not hear anything he had to say because he had us at "Firefighter."  And also, The Hotness. 

10.  Jason, a doctor with long hair that makes some terrible joke about diagnosing The Prosecutrix as hot because she has a fever, and we know he is A Goner. 

Limo #3 is now upon us, and we do not know what ABC is doing with this New and Truncated format because it is All So Overwhelming and How Are We Supposed To Remember These People but now we have:

11.  Nick V, a 12 year old in software something. 

12.  Dylan, an accountant. 

13.  Patrick, an Advertising Exec. with a soccer ball.  We are immediately suspicious.

14.  Emil, a helicopter pilot.   

"You pronounce my name like Anal, but with an M."  

We at the BNU have no words. 

"A NINE, he gets a NINE" screams ABe from the sofa. 

15.  Last but not least (in this limo), Brett, a hairdresser who stole a hotel lamp to give to Andi. WTF. 

Then suddenly another Limo is upon us with: 

16.  Craig, a Tax Accountant with champagne.  

17.  Ron, POC #2 in beverage sales. 

18.  Bradley, an Opera Singer who wants to serenade Andi.  We think he has a dribbly jowel. 

19.   Some other dude who is a telemarketer or something. 

20.  Nick, a pro golfer who shows up in a golf cart.  He is horrible. 

Finally, Limo #4 appears carrying:  

21.  Brian, a Basketball coach from PA.  We like Brian. 

22.  But we don't like Andrew, who tells Andi she has an "adorable smile."  Just what every Prosecutrix wants to hear. 

23.  Mike, a thrift shop version of Thor with his long scraggly blonde locks.  He is a bartender. 

24.  Eric, a professional "Explorer."  This is the contestant that apparently died after the show.  As we are not to speak ill of the dead Unless They Act Like Asshats on Television, we shall call him Dora. 

25.  Josh, some kind of former pro ball player of some sort.  

We are exhausted.  Yet now the evening continues with 1:1s. 

Oh!  Josh's mother loved Andi!  He's even willing to eat sushi with her!  Oh!  Marquel runs Andi through a cookie taste taste, ending with a black and white cookie.  Well played, Marquel.  Well Played.  But Dora woos Andi with tales of his world travels. Ooo, a close competition.

While this is happening, A Ghost of Seasons Past is trying to get on the show.  And this brings up a point:  We at the BNU feel that the Bachelorette should have a Dead Rose in her kitty (not The Kitty, but you know, the kitty).  And if that dead rose appears, it means said contestant shall never, ever reincarnate himself on this show ever again.  Blah blah, ABC makes much of this but in the end, Chris or whatever his name is, gets the boot from Andi without even seeing her.  

And we go back to 1:1 time with Tazo, who is teaching himself languages.  And Nick, who has 10 siblings.  ABe feels strongly that Nick would be cuter if he had an Irish accent.  This Viewer does not feel that would help.  But before we can debate the point, the Opera Singer opens his maw to sing ahs.  We Secretly Wish He had said: 

I am an opera singer. 

I stand on painted tape. 

It tells me where I'm going. 

And where to throw my cape. 

Soon we see The Farmer, whom we cautiously love for some reason. But Andi appears more interested in her 1:1 with Marcus, who claims Polish is his first language, but he speaks more German, and only that a little.  We are confused. 

We are even more confused when Nick, the 12 year old, gets the First Impression Rose.  What? And then, We at the BNU know this season is headed for suckage when Andi picks to join him (as ABe and This Viewer chant FAR-MER, FAR-MER]:  

1.  JJ

2.  Dora

3.  Marquel 

4.  Craig.  Ew. 

5.  Tazo.  Double Ew. 

6.  Josh, the former pro ball whatsit. 

7.  Brian.  

8.  The Opera Singer

9.  Marcus. 

10.  Andrew.  wtf. 

11.  Ron

12.  Carl. 

13.  The Farmer!!! YAY!!

14.  Some dude we didn't catch. 

15.  Brett the hairdresser. 

16.  Patrick. 

17. Mackledouche. 

18. Another Nick

19.  Apparently, we left somebody out here.  

Ooo, the Doctor, Thriftshop Thor, Emil, and Rudie the lawyer go home!   We are not sad for any of them.  We are secretly grateful there are less menfolk.   And now for: 

Part Two, In Which This Viewer Puts Her Emotions Into Song: 

BRO-ZEN (A Duet Between The Prosectrix And This Viewer).

The Prosecutrix:

The rain glows bright on the driveway tonight
not a black man to be seen.
A kingdom of conjucation
And it looks like I’m the queen.

My stomach’s howling like my feet in heels so high….
Couldn’t suck it in, heaven knows I tried.

[limo #1 drives up]

Oooo, let them in! Let them see!
What a total hottie I can be!
Conceal.  For real!  Don’t let them know!
I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!

[KLo, from The Sofa of Despair:]

LET HIM GO.  LET HIM GO. 
DON’T MARRY THAT ASSHOLE.
LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.
TURN AWAY AND SLAM THE DOOR.

The Prosecutrix:

I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY.
My hormones rage on. .. . 
“Dumb as soup” never bothered me anyway.  

It’s funny how some distance makes the shame of Juan Ton so small
And the family who loves me
Can’t get to me at all!

It’s time to see what I can do.
To test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, men all for me….
They’re STD free!!!!!

              [KLo, Clutching Mini-Bottle of Wine:]

LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.
THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE HE’S REALLY HIGH.
LET HIM GO.  LET HIM GO.
OR YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE US ALL CRY.

The Prosecutrix:
HERE I STAND.  AND HERE I’LL STAY.
My hormones rage on . . . .

[musical interlude]

My power over these nimrods has them spellbound!
My soul is spiraling in shame and regret all around!
And one thought crystalizes like an icy bath.
I can’t go back.  The past is all I have!

              [KLo, Again:]

LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.
IF I RISE AT THE BREAK OF DAWN
LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.
TO BLOG THIS GODFORSAKEN SHOW.

HERE I SIT.  LISTENING TO THIS BULLSHIT.
LET THE DRINKS FLOW ON. . . .
THE WINE HELPS ME GET THROUGH IT ANYWAY.

You are welcome. 

-KLo.