Juan Ton Part 4: In Which Our Hero is Not Bland.

Gentle readers, City Emergency Orders prohibiting driving and other Winter Sundry And Whatnot have kept us from KMu yet again, but ABe and I would not be defeated.  Lo, as we huddled around this Viewer's computer-turned-television [our beloved 1982 Sony died in a dramatic manner 13 months ago] to watch Juan Ton kiss his daughter goodbye, ABe made the following observation: 

"Have you noticed how he is slightly cross-eyed?" 

And now we can't un-see it.  

We know we are supposed to be paying attention as Chris Harrison makes one of his random entrances.  Blah blah, 2 group dates and 1 individual date.  But ladies pack your bags because you are going to the land of gangnam style and K-Pop . . . "

 [only The Sharl starts screaming because she knows what this means.  The others sit with pasted on smiles]

. . .. Seoul, South Korea!!!" finishes Chris Harrison. 

Banana Mouth Chelsea and Elise the 1st grade teacher are beyond excited.  But Norma Cassidy is worried: 

"Korea?  I don't even have a kimono!!!"

 

"OMG, I f*cking hate this show," says ABe. 

So blah blah they fly to Seoul.  We see them walking around, and then there is a shameless promo for the Hilton Hotels, where they are staying.  And soon the first date card arrives. Nurse Nikki hopes it is for her!  Nurse Nikki is going to be upset if it isn't!  And it is for . . .. .

Banana Mouth, Forever 21, Elise, Danielle, Electra, and . . .Nikki. 

"I am upset because now I am spending the day with 5 girls who are quite annoying, instead of spending it with Juan" Nurse Nikki complains.  Darling, We at the BNU must spend this date watching SIX annoying girls, so suck it up. 

The date card says, "POP!" 

"oooo!!!" squeals Forever 21. "Popcorn???"

The designated group files in and out of a mini-van, and we catch a glimpse of leggings WHICH ARE NOT PANTS before being told that the group will be meeting Famous Girl Group "21," and learning a dance to their K-Pop single.  But first, Juan Ton and his ladies are going to "loosen up" by all dancing free style.  O.M.G.   Electra immediately jumps in.  Babies, she is all teeth, and hair, and "I even threw a high kick in!!" she says.  

So once this viewer auditioned to dance on a cruise ship because we were in our last semester of college and Everyone Panics and makes Bad Decisions when they are in that last semester.  And one component of the audition was High Kicks Like You Mean It to the front, side, and back all the way across the floor.  You know, standard jazz class.  Except This Viewer Could Not Do It.  We simply Could Not kick like we were Shitting Diamonds And Happy About It, and more problematically, we could not Watch Others Do It with a Straight Face.   We did not get that job.  We secretly think we didn't Want It Enough. 

Basically, this whole segment consists of Nurse Nikki complaining.  She complains about Electra monopolizing the dancing.  She complains about not being able to dance herself. . . And she complains about having to dance in front of screaming teenagers.  Because her Worst Fear Has Been Realized:  the group is going to be backup dancers for 21, at some show they are having tonight at the mall!

Finally, we have moved on to the critical task of picking outfits.  Juan Ton is wearing a jacket that basically looks like Leather Lady Bits around the neck.  Forever 21 is wearing some manner of confusing leggings.  It is like 1983 all over again, but once they arrive at the mall and see the hordes of people waiting to watch the show -- which, just to be really clear one more time, is a show by South Korea's most popular K-pop group and not by the bachelor or by ABC --  the ladies focus on what Truly Matters and also, on Accuracy: 

"All of these people are here to make fun of me dancing," says Nurse Nikki. 

"All of these people are here to watch me!," says Electra. 

We hate them both. 

At last, the ladies go to some sort of bird cage for the end of their date.  In 1:1 time, Electra tells Juan Ton that she wants to be seen as more than just a "fun girl."

Nurse Nikki uses the time to inform the other women that now it's a small group, she "won't lie.  I don't like everyone." 

But back to Electra, who "moved to Arizona to be independent and successful, which I am now!  And also, I am always the confident, self-sufficient one. But it's been hard. . ."

And here is Our Thing (All of Us):   We have noticed a disturbing trend in the Baby Chicklets Passing as Women These Days.  Somewhere along the line, it has become perfectly acceptable to do or say something utterly selfish or irresponsible, and then explain it as a Forgiveable and Even Loveable Aberration from our otherwise Perfect Selves because said selfish, irresponsible behavior or statement is the result of "Feeling Everything So Strongly" or "Not Knowing How to Let Others In" leading to Hardships.  And This Viewer has Had It.   Dear current and future boyfriends/husbands of such Young Persons:   Do Better for Yourselves. 

Moans ABe from the corner of the sofa:   "KLo, I've always been the gorgeous, smart, sexy, self-sufficient, amazing, super one.  It's just so hard sometimes!!"   We hiss at her. 

But Nurse Nikki is not done.  As Forever 21 is demonstrably relieved to be excised from Nurse Nikki's little group for some 1:1 time with Juan Ton, Nurse Nikki continues to complain about how it's been "really hard" for her because "other people" have difficult personalities.  Oh, but she loves little Camila, and kids in general.  

Nurse Nikki gets the rose on this date.  They are all horrible, so we don't really care. 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, date card #2 has come for . .  The Sharl!!  Norma Cassidy, wearing dinosaur toenails around her neck, is jealous.  "Are you my Seoul Mate?" the card asks.  We at the BNU are pretty sure The Sharl is not Juan Ton's soul mate, but what the heck, let's see how this goes. 

Turns out, this 1:1 date is the one where the couple wander around a Market in a Foreign Land, Eating Strange Foods.  We are worried because The Sharl is super-analytical and a "cold fish" (supplies ABe), and Juan Ton is not.  Except worse still:  The Sharl is wearing a black tank top, short black formal shorts, and black pantyhose underneath.  

Wilkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome," we sing softly to ourselves. And then louder:  "Im Cabaret. Au Cabaret.  TO CABAREEEEEEEEETTTTT."   

Over dinner, The Sharl admits that she got a bachelors and masters in music performance, and then gives Juan Ton the most moving compliment Ever Heard On the Bachelor: 

 "You are not bland."  

Gentle readers, as we all know, this is tantamount to this Viewer's friend SuHa upon trying Indian food for the first time:  "I ate it and it didn't make me sick!"  

By all means, Sharl, C for Continue.  

The weird thing about this date is that Juan Ton is REALLY into The Sharl.  And we feel bad for him, because it's pretty obvious that he is looking for someone who is well-educated, has her shizzles together, has traveled, and has a career.  And there is exactly one of those people in this group of contestants (The Sharl) and she is completely all wrong for him.  But she is also probably the most perfectly honest people on this season: When Juan Ton asks her about kids, she tells him she once dated a guy with a 4 year old, through which she learned that she wasn't ready at the time, and also, that it was really hard to realize that you don't get to share that "first" with the person.  Let's all have a Moment of Silence in Honor of the Sharl. 

But Juan Ton makes The Sharl sing for him, and she is shy because she is fairly adamant about the fact that she is an opera singer playing no part in her early relationships (which we appreciate).  And then he kisses her and tells her she is "bella" and then we don't care because The Sharl is all giddy but we are still trying to Get Past the fact that Juan Ton took both of his index finders like Little Pincers and Ran Them Down Her Face. 

The Sharl gets the rose.  

At long last, date card #3 arrives for the remaining women:  "Let's go Krazy in Korea," it says.  We think this is for everyone else, including the Dog Lover, Andi, and "RENEEE!!"  Abe and This Viewer scream together!!

"Just Walk Away Renee!! You won't see him follow you back home!!!" We add. 

We are confused by this date.  There is Karaoke in Korean .  . .in a place shaped like a Doll House.  And also, Photos in a Photo Booth.  And also, Paddle Boating.  And then the group goes to "Dr. Fish Zone" for a fish pedicure.  This would seriously gross out This Viewer.  But more on point, we are becoming heartily sick of Norma Cassidy, who has peed in a little circle around Juan Ton and now is aggressively clinging upon him. 

"Why don't I like her?' wonders ABe.  But we don't.  NONE OF US.  

But now the group is wandering a Korean Market just like in Juan Ton's prior date, and Norma Cassidy is freaking out about eating octopus because she "won't do weird food." 

"Seriously?" says some woman we don't know.  "Octopus? You can go into any italian restaurant in New York and get octopus, and that's what she's freaking out about?"

The Dog Lover is more on point;  "Her piece was tiny.  And I KNOW she's swallowed bigger things than that." 

The Dog Lover FOR THE WIN. 

By now we are completely tired.  But there is 1:1 with Renee, and some others, and then Alli insults his dancing (que horror!), and then he tells someone else she is BELLA (wtf) and THEN Lauren the musician attempts to kiss him AND HE REFUSES .  She runs out crying, in her stripper shoes.  BUt, despite the fact that Juan Ton has Recently Sworn He Will Stop Trying to Kiss All of These Women and Maybe Talk a Little, Norma Cassidy has sworn that she is going to kiss him (da da DUM).  

And she does. 

Because, she is, apparently, Impossible to Resist. 

The Dog Lover, once again, comes to the rescue.  "Norma Cassidy is all, 'isn't that normal to be possessive??' Yeah, IF YOU ARE A DOG."  We start to think that the Dog Lover may be the dark horse here.  

Randomly, Andi gets the rose on this date. 

At last it is the Rose Ceremony.  Norma Cassidy is blathering on about how her Dad Is Her Greatest Example and ABe is not having Any Of It:  "She talks like she is auditioning," says she.   But then here is The Sharl, in some kind of horrid mustard pants suit that ABC spends the entire time trying to hide her behind potted plants and also, other women.  And blah blah in the end he picks, to join Nurse Nikki, The Sharl, and Andi with roses: 

1.  Renee [yay]!!

2.  The DOg Lover. 

3.  Daniella ["Shes pretty but who is she?" asks ABe for All of Us]

4.  FOrever 21

5.  The lady we don't know, who looks like 2 other people

6.  Norma Cassidy [nooooooooooooooooooooo],

7.  Banana Mouth Chelsea, AND

8.  Electra.  

Daaaamn.  Elise and Lauren go home!  We secretly think Elise is going home because her dress looks like tin foil underneath seaweed.  Lauren is probably going home because she rode a piano bike in Juan Ton Part 1, but we will never know because she is busy cataloging all of her faults:  "I made so many mistakes" she cries.  

"And that is why I hate this shit," declared ABe.  

Stay tuned for Next Week, when Norma Cassidy takes it TOO FAR!!!

-KLo

Juan Ton Part 3: The Hidden Noodle

On this day, a Hazy Set of Years Ago, This Viewer's sister, SHa, was born. And today, on her Very Special Milestone Birthday, We and the Ice Capades would like to Honor SHa with a Moving Interpretive Skate Embodying our Childhood:

Guess which one you are, SHa.

And also, this guy wants to say Happy Birthday too:

ABe found him in a Box In The Garage.  You Are Welcome, and also, We love you, SHa!!!

We jump into Juan Ton Part 3 with the women talking about the last rose ceremony.  We are trying to pay attention, except we have been Reunited And It Feels So Good with KMu and ABe.  As we survey the Crime Scene of chocolate wrappers and wine accoutrement rapidly multiplying before us, we know that we will Get Through This Episode or Kill Ourselves with Sugar trying.

But then here is Chris Harrison, in a confusing button down shirt that is navy on top, including the sleeves, and royal blue on the bottom . . .including the sleeves.  We secretly think he looks like he is wearing a Mesh Short Sleeve Midriff -Baring Shirt, circa That Guy This Viewer Dated Once Until We Discovered Said Shirt and Also His Membership In the John Birch Society.  Blah Blah The Harrison talks about two 1:1 dates and a group date.  We try to care.

Forever 21 gets the first date. "Love is a Wild Ride." But more to the point, we did not, until this very moment, know that one could buy a water-proof shorts romper.  We are aghast.
"It looks like a windbreaker," says we.
"For the body" concludes KMu.
It is red, and zips up the front, and has an elastic expandable waist in the back (omg, Mom Jeans, and also pockets.  And also is made of windbreaker material. AND ALSO:  shorts.  We did not know that Forever 21 secretly grew up in 1983.

Forever 21 is giddy:  "I haven't been on a first date since I was 18!!" she says about 10 times.  So, three years ago she went on a first date.  And now she has a 2 year old.  Gentle readers, you do the math.

Anyway, she gets even MORE giddy when they get in a car. . . that is really a boat!!!!  "I thought it was like a car, but it's a water car!!!" says she.  Across the miles, we receive a message from DOe:  "If he picks Forever 21, I am done." But Juan Ton is so excited to be with Forever 21.  They go zipping around in the water with the car, up and down. And up, and down . And Up.  And Down.  She squees with excitement, but This Viewer just feels sick.

Several years ago, we went on a Dubai Adventure with our friend KZi, in which there was a Drive Up and Down Sand Dunes Really Fast in Jeeps component.  And it was At That Moment that we realized, in our hearts, we are Very Old, and do not like the going up and down and also, the nausea.  The idea of vomiting in the sand amongst strangers does not Warm Us.  Though we didn't, in the end, we secretly wonder if Forever 21 might.

Blah blah they go to a yacht, which they immediately jump off only to kiss against the water car.  And then we are back at Juan Ton's house, and they are cooking dinner, and Forever 21 is wanting to learn about Juan Ton's "secret pasta."
KMu pronounces:  "This is the kind of date that I would want, and not just because of the water car."
We whisper:  "You want his Secret Pasta?
Whispers KMu back:  "Oooh, the Hidden Noodle."
We secretly wonder if "Drunken Noodle" is more likely, as they attempt to dance after dinner.  We observe that Forever 21 looks like a Horse Backing Up when she dances.

They talk about their kids, Juan Ton talks about her beauty, they eat Venezuelan chocolate, and she gets the rose.

Meanwhile, back at the house, we are sick of Elise the 1st Grade Teacher.  She confides to Renee (who we love, All Of Us), that her mom died. But before she died, her mother wrote a letter to the Bachelor asking that her daughter, Teaches &Cream, be invited on the show to Find True Love.  Only, it was Never Sent.
We think about this.  We are pretty sure Our Mother's letter went something along the lines of:  "Please don't let any of them marry a twit from television."

But now it's group date time!  "Let's kick it" says the card.  And it is for Sharleen the opera singer, Lucy, the Dog Lover, some person named Danielle, Andi the prosecutor, Chris-Kristy, Lauren the musician, and Nurse Nikki.  There were probably some others, but we are very tired.  And of course, it is El Futbol. Because, gentle readers, in order for The Women To Know His Soul, Juan Ton must show him that he is "1/2 Camila, and 1/2 Futbol."

We are surprised that Sharleen is wearing pippy longstocking braids.  So, when this viewer was in her 20s, we dated a person whose father was named "Verlyn."  And we would sing "Oooooh, la la la la lookin' good Verlyn" and it would Make Our Boyfriend Crazy.  We secretly think he did not Appreciate Country Music.  Which one should, if one's father is named Verlyn.  IN ANY EVENT, we cannot say that Sharleen is looking good in this getup, though she does look 20 years younger.

We don't know what to say about the soccer match itself.  The Dog Lover pronounces that it would be her Worst Nightmare if she would break a leg.  Or worse, Her Nose.   KMu secretly thinks it would Improve Her, as none of us like the Dog Lover. Sharleen gets hit a bunch, and then the game is over and we think the red team won, but no one can remember because we're all having champagne.

And now it's time for the 1:1s.  First up:  Nurse Nikki.
"Why's she wearing such a long skirt?" asks KMu, as we all hold our breath:

Nurse Nikki confesses her fear of "getting hurt" and we wonder why she doesn't have A Lot More Fears, including but not limited to walking out in the world with MudFlaps on Display.  And then we realize that, at age 27, she has not yet acquired any manner of mudflap.  We take a drink.

But now Juan Ton is having 1:1 time with Ooooo, la la la lookin' good Sharleen. Except she is not, really, because she is wearing some kind of spandex dress with no back that is also short and also "made out of bed canopy material," finishes KMu.  This Viewer is All for Repurposing.  But we Think that Sharleen may have taken things a little too far, if she is fashioning dresses out of Bed Canopies for Little Girls.  "You are not Julie Andrews," we whisper.  And also, "Your name is not VonTrap."

But there is more to come.  Juan Ton is completely enamored of The Sharl.  Yet she is stiff and kind of awkward.  And then they kiss and is is NOT OKAY.  Lord almighty, Juan Ton appears to be a reasonably decent kisser under normal circumstances.  At least, This Viewer can Watch Him Get His Kissing On and not be totally grossed out.  Except what happens here is like two grasshopper tongues jockeying for position.  ABe screams from the sofa.  We quickly look away.

Nurse Nikki gets the rose on this date.

But Teaches & Cream is not happy.  She has been left alone at the house, and it is either her OR banana-mouth Chelsea, the "Science educator" who is getting the next 1:1.  Teaches & Cream is  insistent that BMC is too young, at a mere 24 years of age, for El Bachelor.  But she, at the ripe age of 27, is PERFECT.

And the date card comes for . . ..banana mouth.  Ooooo, SNAP.
"Do you trust me," it says.
We cringe, as that is pretty much what Men of an Inappropriate Age say when trying to lure you into their condominium to see their "comfortable furniture."

This date is uninteresting.  They eat venezuelan food.  A lot of it.  And then jump off a bridge together in a tandem ankle bungee.  We at the BNU discuss the likelihood that BMC and Juan Ton are going to sprinkle a bit of Venezuela underneath the bridge because that is EXACTLY what we would do if we ate a bunch of fried food and then hung upside down.

But now they are kissing, upside down, and we do not see the attraction.  And then this happens at dinner:
BMC:  "What are your fears???"
Juan Ton:  "Not being a good example for my daughter."
BMC:  "I am afraid of being unhappy. "

Dear BMC, you are 24.  At 24, this viewer was living in a trailer in the woods, promising herself it was Not Too Late to Find Joy and Happiness.  Flash forward . . . .a number of years. .  . and this viewer has now mastered the art of Crying Silently At Our Desk while reading articles about Retiring Early.

She gets the rose, as they dance to "Hey Girl" by Billy Carington.  We wonder WTF is going on with Mr. Carington that he is here.  Blech.

Flash forward to the next day, and Juan Ton has decided to sneak into the Ladies' Manse and Make Them a Venezuelan Breakfast.  We love that he can cook.  And not just cereal.  But the Dog Lover is Making Us Crazy.  She is the first to discover him, as she takes her dog out for a morning wizzle, and skuttles past him hiding her face and refuses to get close.
"My grandma told me to Never Let a Man See You Without Your Face" says she.  And she is horrified because she is in Her Glasses, and also, No Makeup.

We look at our own glasses and lack of makeup and sigh.

Other women are faring better, including Norma Cassidy, who looks "adorable" in her pajamas to Juan Ton.  We sniff.  We still don't like her.

The Ton has a surprise in store for them today, however!  Lo, tho it is a Rose Ceremony Day, he is proposing a Pool Party instead.  Good for him, except amidst the chicken fighting and the swimsuit lounging and the weird bikinis that No One Wears In Real Life, Juan Ton is spending his time comforting various women about their insecurities.  As is Renee.  We wish that Renee would leave this show and find some one worthy.  But no, The Sharl is crying into Juan Ton's shoulder because this she cannot handle the cameras.  And Renee is chasing Norma Cassidy into the bathroom to dry her tears over her fear that Juan Ton may not Love Her As Much As She Loves Him after 1.5 weeks, and we just decide to lift our pen because we Cannot.  Just. . . .No.

So then The Harrison shows back up, and then there is a rose ceremony and ABC has made all the women get into their dresses anyway.  We don't care, except that they must be Truly Heinous because ABC will only show the ladies from the necks down.  And Juan Ton picks, to join (1) Forever 21, (2) Nurse Nikki, and (3) Banana-Mouth Chelsea with roses:

1.  Andi, wearing a bedsheet with St. Patty's day sparkles to hold it up.
2.  Renee. YAY.
3.  The Dog Lover.  BOO.
4.  The Sharl.  In this:

5. Teaches & Cream. Sigh.
6.  Electra.  Who we forgot to mention was very possessive at the pool party, but otherwise uninteresting.
7.  Alli.  We think she is a nanny?
8.  Norma Cassidy.  NOOOO.
9.  Lauren the musician.
10.  Danielle.  No idea.

Lucy and Chris-Kristy go home.  Oh!  We don't really feel bad for Chris-Kristy, but we wish for all good things for Lucy, who says that she hopes everyone finds what they are looking for, and we believe her.

Stay tuned for next week, when there is drama, and also, some other stuff.

-KLo

Juan Ton Part 2: The Hymen Maneuver

Babies, this is the Season of Adversity.  Lo, we were prevented from our Joyful Reunion with ABe and KMu by snowmageddon last week. And now, sore throat.  But neither snow, nor pestilence shall Keep Us from Juan Ton and the Perfection that was Part 2 of his Adventura.

We begin with Norma Cassidy, getting ready for a 1:1 date.  We are very confused, as we did not hear about a date card, or see Chris Harrison (come to think of it, we didn't see him at all this episode).  And also, NORMA CASSIDY???? Really, this is the first one he takes out?  She is all dewey-eyed, for she doesn't go on dates or go to bars, so she is "hopeful!"  We are annoyed. 

But then, making its first appearance all season, is The Kitty.  Only, it is like the Kitty of the Tanning Mom, as it has attached itself onto the inside of a dark leathery jacket.  Ew.   But suddenly we don't care because Juan Ton is picking Norma Cassidy up, and she is "ready for him" and then he BLINDFOLDS HER with a grey scarf and we Think We May Die.   

Gentle readers, we have not read The Fifty Shades.  But when we go to Sneak Peak upon them in Amazon, the following line is emblazoned across the page, "Only for you, [KMu], would I do this."  And that is Exactly How We Feel, as we watch this episode unfold Stone Cold Sober.  We send a text to KMu: "are you there god, it's me, KLo." 

Norma starts an internal monologue as they head towards the secret hideaway where Juan Ton plans to Stash Her Body.
Norma: "The date card said "let's chill . . . "

[murmers Juan Ton, "I like to chill"] -- really?  Really, 32 year old grown up person????

Norma:  "He smells soooo good.  Like love in a bottle." 

And then Juan Ton is picking her up so that he can piggyback her over the SNOW in her high heels, and she is awed by the "Winter Wonderland" that has met them in the middle of LA. "omg, can you see my breath?" she asks the camera. "Omg, you can totally see it!!"

So they go sledding, solo and A La Tandem Luge, during which We are weirdly fascinated by her little girlish kicks.  Okay, No One does Little Girlish Kicks while Legit Sledding, except, apparently, Norma.  She gives Juan Ton a scarf and a corncob pipe and wonders if he can "smoke it."  They have a snowball fight, and ice skate [which Juan Ton is actually good at.  Be Still This Viewer's Heart, Despite Ourselves].  Norma Cassidy looks like a dog wearing booties.  But she is having A Moment, for:
"I haven't felt this alive Because Of a Man in a long time."  And also, 

"Juan Pablo comforts me."

She is so comfortable, in fact, that she strips down to a bikini and gets into a hot tub so that she can admire Juan Ton's  "amazing body slithering into the spa" beside her.   And then, while giving Voldemort a creepy shoulder and knee rub, Norma Cassidy proceeds to tell the story about her Daddy, a Paragon of Perfection (being both A Man, and also, Compassionate). Upon his death, years ago, she became an Ice Queen and would not Let Anyone In.  And so this date is Fitting, Gentle Readers.  For she has Risen from Life's Challenges and is Ready to Find Her Soul Mate. 

This is our thing (All of Us):  We are tired of Everyone Having a Story of Adversity.  This Viewer arises from the Grist Mill of Big Law each Tuesday Morning, and also Other Times, in order to Blog the Interwebs for Anonymous Equally Sleepy and Adversity-Facing People She May Never Know.  And for that, we should all get a f*cking gold star, babies.  And also, a neck rub in a sauna.  But not from Norma Cassidy.

Especially because Juan Ton gives her the rose, and she dons a very, very OLD Kitty over her swimsuit.  And now she looks like the backside of Old Deuteronomy from Cats:  

 

In any event, suddenly music is playing.  Juan Ton and Norma Cassidy frolick towards it, through the snow and in swimsuits, so that they can "have a naked makeout session in the snow while she rubs his head and they slow dance on coats," concludes KMu.   We have no words. 

Meanwhile, back at the Land O'Ladies, Lucy is frolicking in the hot tub without her top because she apparently forgot all of her bikini tops.  "Lucy is a big old hippie," concludes Renee.  "It was only a matter of time before the boobs came out."  And also, another date card has arrived for Kat:  "Can you feel the electricity?" it reads.  We are frantically trying to remember who this "Kat" person is, and also why she is wearing a floral bedsheet, until she says that she had "electricity" when she salsa'd with Juan Ton the first night.  Ooooooh, "The Dancer." 

But now she is getting ready for her date, in the following:  A Denim Button-down shirt, tied up at the waist, and also, a Postage Stamp Masquerading as White Shorts.  

This Viewer was not the most popular girl in our Junior High.  We May or May Not have been the victim of a Dance with the Pig contest, whereby the unsuspecting girl delights in the sudden materialization of dance partners to such Power Ballads as All Out of Love, only to discover that it was a Coordinated Dare, egged on by one Mean Girl, EMi, among other things.   So it is with Great Satisfaction that one day, at an eighth grade track meet, EMi was wearing white shorts.  And had the biggest wedgie that Ever There Lived, made obvious by the White Shorts of Shame.  So big was this wedgie that Our Mother, sitting at the very top of the stands with aaaaaalll the other parents and classmates, commented upon how Uncomfortable That Girl Must Be, and upon the fact that she Never Pulled It Out. 

We learned two things that day, gentle readers.  (1) Poetic Justice is often more creatively meted when left to the Cosmos, and (2) never wear white shorts. 

 

But "Kat" has not gotten the message, for as she fannies up to the private plane acquired for this particular date, we can only conclude that her Shorts Have Gotten Shorter.  But we are only half-listening now, because Juan Ton is talking about how if a woman can dance, his attraction to her is multiplied.  STOP THE PRESSES.  Where was this person when we were single??  And also, what the hell is he doing with Kat, who is now dreamily staring out the window and admitting to herself and All of America that she is "having visions of jet setting with her Latin Lover."  Kick her to the curb, Juan Ton. 

But he doesn't.  Instead, he puts on a neon light-up track suit, and hands Kat an equally neon, but substantially skimpier, tennis skirt and tank top.  And running shoes.  And then they touch down in Salt Lake City for the 5k Neon Run. 

Oh, those dates when you spontaneously run a 5k together!  How I missed those!  Let's just get our shoes, and we will All Be There, Ready to Not Even Break a Sweat.   While silently thanking ABC for reminding us how very old we are, we have to confess that this run/dance party in the dead of night to techno music and neon magic is legitimately cool.  And also, we would Totally Be There, if we were Ten Years Younger.  Except we are not, and Kat is completely killing us with her Steady, if Not Insightful Commentary: 

"There was a lot of electricity. . . not just on the run. And by that I mean, between Juan Pablo and me." 

Thank you, Electra. 

Blah blah, she gets the rose, on stage in front of a bunch of people, and after dancingImeangrinding against Juan Ton. 

And now it is the Group Date for a group calling themselves the "Lucky Thirteen."  We don't know these people, but we think the group includes Chelsea, Chris-Kristy, The Dog Lover, Cassandra (Forever 21), Andi the assistant prosecutor, Renee the mother, Lauren the musician person, Chantal, Nurse Nikki, Elise the 1st grade teacher, Victoria the paralegal,  . .. and Lucy.  Is that 13?  Who cares. 

The card says: "Say cheese!!"

"This date is either a Photo Shoot or about eating cheese. I'm good at both, so. . . . " says The Dog Lover.  We hate this woman.  And also, now want to eat cheese.  

We also don't like Lauren, who exclaims upon seeing Juan Ton: "He is in blue, and his arms are so big!"  

Yes, Lauren. And This Viewer is in her bathrobe!  And also, haa not yet taken a shower!!!

Shocker, it is, in fact, a photo shoot.  And the creative director has a neon blue beard.  And the models to be posing with the women are:  puppies!!! We start to like Lucy more, as she describes the Dog Room:  "There was some sex. And a lot of pooping and disorder.  My biggest fear is that a dog will pee on me, because I borrowed these shoes."  Hahahhahaa, we do, in fact Love Lucy. 

But there is a purpose to this photo shoot.  It is a "Sexy Photo Shoot with Dogs" for Charity.  Yes, someone has determined that Pin-Ups with Pooches will Sell.   We secretly think that America's Next Top Model thought of it first, but Chris Harrison arm-wrestled Miss J for the option to sell it on the Bachelor instead.  We start yelling at the "Lucky 13," reminding them to smize with their eyes, and also, Look Fierce in the Face of This Challenge. 

We see the women getting ready, and feel tired.  There are a lot of bikinis .  And also, the Dog Lover is dressed like a spotted mutt, complete with full-body makeup and a skull cap.  Except she looks so skinny and awkward that we're not quite sure how that is attractive.  But the real story is that Elise the 1st grade teacher and Andi that prosecutor don't get to wear anything except signs that say "me" and "adopt" or have an arrow on them.  

The prosecutor is freaking out: "I put people in jail for a living.  I AM THE WOMAN THAT BROUGHT A ONE-PIECE SWIMSUIT." 

Elise is equally concerned:  "I am a 1st grade teacher. I am supposed to be a role model here." 

Says Blue Beard:  "But you are a role model, because this is for a good cause, so. . . "

So let me get this straight.  This Viewer is a Role Model if We get Shit Faced and Drive Home, so long as every drink We Bought was for Charity?  Yes, yes, We All Can Help People with our Willingness to Step Out of our Comfort Zones.   

Elise ends up trading her outfit with Lucy (who was dressed as a fire hydrant).  Says Lucy cheerfully, "I am happy to take off my top, as always!"  And proves it by walking down the street with her dog, stark naked.  She is indeed a Freedom Fighter.   Meanwhile, Juan Pablo makes everything ok with Andi by saying that he will be WITH her in all her nakedness.  "Well, if HE's going to be naked with me," concludes Andi in a completely outstanding display of Legal Reasoning, "then everything's ok." 

Blah blah, some women are lucky enough to wear "dresses," including Forever 21 and Renee.  Juan Ton, posing with them, concludes that Forever 21 is "elegant," and that Renee looked "Stunning."  Renee wins us over once again by admitting that she had the nervous sweats.  

The Dog Lover sums up this date:  "And just think, if one of those dogs is adopted because of your naked photo, you will have saved a life." 

GAH. 

Because this episode will never end, we next stop by a rooftop bar for drinks.  Here are the highlights: 

A) Forever 21 Has a Son!!! His name is Trey and he is 2!  This Changes Everything for Juan Ton, who hugs it out with her in the night air, but we are so distracted by the extreme length of Forever 21's fake eyelashes that we cannot concentrate. 

B) Renee jokes with Juan Ton about the fact that he did NOT kiss her at the photo shoot, and then. . still doesn't kiss him.  Except we still like her, because she is in her 30s, and also not crazy. Yet.

C) Victoria the paralegal is drunk. 

"Hey hey rooooomie," says Victoria to Nurse Nikki.  

"You need to tone it down," says The Nurse. 

"What? I'ma not hammered.  I didnna eben hab a glash of champagne.  This is mee sooober.  Ima jhust fun." says Victoria.  

And then later:  "If Juan Pable was mine.  I would straddle him.  CUz that's whad we do.  CUZ when you do the Hymen Maneuver and save someone's life, you hafta straddle 'em." 

Babies, as Purveyor of Trashy Romance Novels, this viewer has heard sex called many things.  But never, never, has this viewer heard it called "The Hymen Maneuver."   We fall to the floor. 

ANYWAY, Victoria is drunk and talking to herself in the hot tub.  Then she wanders out into where Juan Ton is having 1:1 time with Nurse Nikki, only to turn around and run towards the bathroom.  As we hear loud sobs emit from within, Renee the Champ slides herself under the locked bathroom door, puts Victoria on a towel by the toilet, and tries to talk her into calmness.  It doesn't work.  More sobs. Finally, Lucy interrups Juan Pablo and informs him that he might want to "handle that."  

And he does!  He is Our Hero!

Juan Ton has a conversation through the bathroom door with Drunk Victoria, which mainly consists of: 

"Will you talk to me?"

"NO." 

"What is wrong."

"NO." 

"Will you come out?"

"NO." 

So he tells her he'll wait for her outside, apologizes to the women, gives the Dog Lover the Rose (WTF), and then asks them all to make sure Victoria gets home safe.  He then leaves, because its' the end of the date. 

Meanwhile, Drunk Victoria has gone apeshit.  She is running the corridors and demanding to go home.  Finally she runs into Gimli from Lord of the Rings, apparently out of work and now moonlighting as a producer.  "I can't get you home" he explains. "I have to book a flight.  I have to get you a taxi.  I cannot get you home safely right this moment" he entreats her. We feel bad for Gimli, and also start to wonder if all of th producers are crazy-looking bearded men on this show.  Which would be awesome. 

In the end, Victoria doesn't come home.  The show puts her up in a hotel room, where she is met by Juan Ton the next day: 

"I should apologize, I guess or something, for starting off the crazy train. . " she says to him. "I just feel everything intensely, and this is really really hard."  Really? REALLY????

"I don't want, like, a guy I am dating to see  me cry, so um. . I should have been an adult about it and handled it better." 

Juan Ton listens, accepts her apology, and then tells her he is 32 with a daughter, and needs to say goodbye now because he needs to find a partner who can handle herself.  

Juan Ton, FOR THE WIN. 

At long last, it is the Rose Ceremony.  And we will make this brief.  The women say there is a "different vibe," than at the last one and only ceremony they have been to,  and that "anything could happen."  Which apparently includes Forever 21 crying to Juan Ton about how much she misses her son, and Renee helping her out in a really decent way once again.  It also includes Amy, who did not go on any dates, using up her 1:1 time by telling Juan Ton that she is a reporter and then proceeding to "interview" him on air.  By all means, Amy, kill your chances by trying to sell your reporting career instead of getting to know him.  

And then there is Sharleen, who also did not get a date, but who is there in a showstopper of a dress.  It is swoopy and fabulous, and also Does Not Look Like she Got it Off the Rack of the Macy's Post-Prom Sale, which is what everyone else looks like.  Sharleen apologizes for being ungracious when she got the first impression rose, and explains that she was just gobsmacked by it all.  

Aaaaand Juan Ton picks, to join Norma Cassidy, Electra, and The Dog Lover with roses: 

1.  Forever 21

2.  Nurse Nikki

3.  Andi, dressed in a pink lampshade

4.  Elise the teacher, with bejeweled jubblies

5.  Sharleen.

6.  Renee, who we secretly think looks like Olivia Wilde

7.  Danielle.  We don't know her, but she has dressed like Grace Jones in solid gold lame

8.  Lucy (Free the TaTas!!)

9.  Allison.  No idea. 

10.  Banana-mouth Chelsea. Who turns around and we realize she has NO butt. 

11.  Lauren the musician, aaaaand. 

12.  Chris-Kristy. 

ABC's single black lady, Chantal, and Amy the Interviewer get the Axe.  Once again, a POC does not make it past round 2.  Chantal is upset.  We think Amy is too, except she looks too much like she's wearing giant gym shorts as a one-shoulder dress for us to care. 

Stay tuned for next week, when various people get upset.  We realize that there is another episode on Sunday about Bachelor Love Stories, but really, we can't be bothered. 

-KLo 

Juan Ton Part 1: Un Triscuit Y Veintisiete Mujeres

Thanks to ABC easing us into it last night, we are Armed (read: alcohol at our elbow) and Ready for the Most Hated of All Bachelor Episodes:  the revolving door of look-alike women that is Episode 1.  First, a recap of the preview that we all saw yesterday:  coming up this season there will be kisses!  Some in the water!  And also, happiness!  And a lime green maxi-dress!  But there is a TESOL component this season as well!
"Bella" whispers Juan Ton to some unnamed woman, likely weeks from now.
"What does that mean?" she giggles.
For a woman coming from Generation T (generation Twilight), we have No Words.

Then we see the Public Toilet Cry from some other episode. Again.  We are already sick of this scene.

Aaaand now we are in The Present, or at least sort of The Present, as we watch Juan Ton at his Bachelor photo shoot.  And running with his shirt off.  We hear all the things we heard yesterday, because ABC uses the same clips - single dad, 32, daughter Camilla, sports and entertainment consultant.  And then we learn that he wants two more children BADLY, and that being "El Bachelor" is a highlight of his life.  Oh, and that he speaks the "language of looooove."  We laugh delightedly in spite of ourselves.

But then we are excited, because we see Camilla (and learn that she is going to be staying with Juan Ton's parents at Juan Ton's bachelor mansion for the first leg of this).  And she has an Owl pillow.  And it is the Same Owl That This Viewer Has Hanging From Her Car Mirror.  *Gasp.* This Viewer and a 4-year-old Latina from Florida MIGHT BE TWINS.  As Camilla and Juan Ton speak Spanish to each other, this Viewer's body relaxes into the familiarity. While This Viewer doesn't speak The Spanish very well any more, it is still a lot better than The French.  We sigh into our alcohol.

So. . Pringles just happens to be in the neighborhood, because Juan Ton "called" him.  Yeah, right. As they sit down for a fireside chat, we realize that Juan Ton is AGAIN wearing the Salmon Shorts of Rage.  This merely confirms our suspicion that he got them off of Pringles.  But Pringles is blabbing on about how this is where Juan Ton's "journey begins," and Juan Ton is saying how he would prefer "Adventura"  and making jokes about how he never went on an individual date when he was on season Desiree Who Should Be Black.  And then he teaches Pringles how to dance salsa, and then they take their shirts off and we feel Awkward.  Though in retrospect, we like this Juan Ton (Relaxes Juan Ton) better than the Juan Ton we are about to witness.

One hard edit later, and now Chris Harrison is telling us that we should take a closer look at the chattel for this season . Which is what we thought we did last night?  Oh well, here they are:

1.  Chelsea, a 24 year old blonde from Ohio with a mouth like a banana clip (Ladies of the '80s, you Know What That Is).  She describes herself as "silly" and "fun, outgoing!"  She is a "science educator."

2. Renee, 31 years old and from Sarasota, Fl.  Single mom.  Athletic.  8 yo son who is also apparently athletic and brilliant.  She describes Juan Ton as "super attractive" and so they "have a lot in common."  Despite that comment, which is probably the result of ABC editing, we like her.  She does Not Appear to Simper.

3.  Andi.  A 26 year old assistant prosecutor from Georgia . HA HA HA, NOOOOOOO.  She is actually taped in court, and she is looking all the world like a baby reading from a script, which makes sense because she's probably been out of law school one year or less. We hear ABe in our minds, from all the Law & Order episodes she has watched, screaming "Your Honor, I request a Remand!!!"   ABC bills her as tough as nails at work (short skirt, long jacket, deeply v-necked top), but a romantic at heart (in a virginally white, high-necked lacy dress, naturally) in her spare time.  We are confident that is *exactly* how this Viewer's coworkers view her as well.

4. Amy, 31.  A California Massage therapist that This Viewer Shall Call "Orgasma" because she basically has one while taping herself giving some unknown person a massage . Babies, she is an "Artist of the Body," but none of the men she has ever dated enjoy massage.  And also, he does yoga.  And also, she does a "here comes the airplane, open up!!!" with a spoonful of food to the camera . . .for Juan Ton.  We are horrified.

5.  Nikki, a 26 year old Pediatric nurse who loves her job and doesn't want to settle for anyone.  She is a sweet little thing.

6. Lauren, 25, from Oklahoma. We met her yesterday and she is a Hot Mess.  Met a guy one year ago, got engaged in six weeks, and then broke it off a few months before getting on the show.  Oh dear. She is a minerals consultant of some sort. We think she should get together with the oil engineer, Abs, from Season Desiree WSBB.  They would have perfect, strong-jawed, white-teethed, uber-tan little children who know their way around large equipment.

7.  Valerie from South Dakota, 26.  She is a personal trainer.  "Not only am I a pretty girl, but I am not afraid to file these things [her nails] down" she says. We don't like Valerie.

8.  Lacy, 25, who runs a nursing home and has a family of 13, nine with special needs.  Did we mention that she opened her first senior care center at age 20?  We feel completely like an under-achiever, even though she's got a bit of a Mother Theresa thing going on that we don't know how we feel about.

9.  Clare. From California.  Youngest of six girls.  Her dad died of brain cancer but made a DVD for her future husband that she hopes Juan Ton gets to watch.  She is allegedly part mexican.  And while there is nothing exactly. . . wrong, all This Viewer can think is "ohnoohnoohno, this one is a bitch."  And also, she looks EXACTLY like Norma Cassidy in the greatest movie of all time:  Victor/Victoria.

To Whit:

Chris Harrison breaks the news that there will be 27 women instead of 25 this season, and then suddenly we are back to counting because they are all coming out of limos.  Did we mention a Hatred For This Episode yet?

So Limo #1 comes and we have:

1.  Another Amy, this one from Florida.  We hope Orgasma gets cut so we can keep the two of them straight.

2.  Cassandra, a TWENTY-ONE year old former NBA Dancer that we later learn is now a makeup artist.  Seriously, ABC? Juan Ton is 32 with a daughter, and you give him a ninny who may or may not be in college still?  And also, they stare at each other for at least 30 seconds with nothing to say.  We cringe and grope for alcohol. But we know that she will get through to the next round because she is Very Pretty.

3.  Chris-Kristy from Chicago.  At least she isn't wearing that ghost-lollypop top.

4.  Christine, 23, a "police support specialist" who brought a bracelet for Juan Ton's daughter.

5.  Nurse Nikki, in a dress that looks like a spiderweb over black velvet.  It works for Juan Ton, who is Stricken With Her Beauty.

But we are starting to get nervous about Juan Ton.  When he is nervous, he loses the laughing, easy edge that we saw earlier.  And becomes a Teacher Of All Things To the Emotionally Deaf.  "You are going to go in the house," he gently and slowly explains to one woman.  "There is no need to be nervous, and also I like your dress" he says to another, with the same air of Imparting Paternal Words of Wisdom.  Oh dear.

Before we can ponder this further, Limo #2 arrives with:

6.  Kat, 26, who claims to be a dancer but doesn't know how to salsa.  She "smells good" says Juan Ton to the Camera and also, to All of Us.  We suddenly feel like we are watching Ghost Dudes with SKu:  "Dude, Dude Dude, did you feel that?  I felt a cold energy brush my hand!  Could this be the Ghost of Aunt Bessie, Touching Me from the Grave??"  And we feel the frustration of never being able to validate the sensory experience alleged by the person on television.

7.  Chantel, the first black woman we have seen thus far, unless one of the other blonde tan people are making such a claim.

8.  Victoria, 24, a legal assistant from Brazil.  They talk Span-Portuguese to each other and it is sweet.

9.   OMG, Lacy.  A "free spririt" who arrives in a bedsheet with fake white roses in her hair.  She doesn't wear shoes because she doesn't want to be "too tall."  We later learn that she doesn't wear shoes because "all real hippies don't wear shoes."  We conclude that Lacy doesn't really know why she didn't show up with shoes.  Even this Viewer is Not Such a Twit.

10.  Daniella, 25, a psychiatric nurse. She has a "present for" Juan Ton inside.  We wonder if it is a restraint vest.

11.  A woman biking up the driveway with a Piano.  She almost doesn't make it.  And she hits a couple wrong notes before breathlessly telling Juan Ton that she is a composer and music is her life.  Oh, and her name is Lauren.  We are terrified.

Immediately thereafter, arrives Limo #3 with:

12.  Banana mouthed Chelsea.

13.  Valerie the personal trainer with the claws. And also, apparently, cowboy boots.

14.  Elise, the 1st grade teacher we met yesterday in the orange lace tablecloth World of No.

15.  Ashley, 25, another teacher who gives Juan Ton a Gold Star for doing something good (showing up).  We sink into our sweatshirt hood and drink.

16.  Norma Cassidy, looking like this:


And also, pretending to be pregnant.  We hate this woman.

17.  Alli from Chicago.  We think she is the nanny from yesterday, but she introduces herself as a soccer person who "plays with the boys, so I can keep up."

And then we've stopped counting the limos, because we see:

18. Orgasma, in a solid gold lame dress that looks like a trash barrel on the bottom, capped with a halter top, held up by a lanyard.  We Hate This Dress.

19.  Renee the single mom, who tells Juan Ton immediately that she is one.  Props to her.

20.  Lauren the Hot Mess from Oklahoma.

21.  Maggie, 24, we don't know what she does.  Probably a teacher.  She is also deeply southern.  "Ahhh got yew a feesh hook," she drawls.  "Ah would love to go feeshing with yew."

22.  A 27 year old "dog lover," named Kelly.  AND her dog, who is wearing a scarf.  We are so mad that ABC cast This Viewer's Namesake as a Crazy Person that we Have No words.

23.  Lacy the nursing home owner who gives him a prescription from "Cupid's Pharmacy," and tells him twice, to take it an "think of me."  We sink further into mortificiation.

24.  Alexis, 24.  We know nothing about her.  And also were not paying attention.

25.  Kylie, 23.  Still not paying any attention.

26. Sharleen, a completely self-possessed professional opera singer who is neither wearing a dress cut down to her navel nor talking with a baby voice.  We blink and are disoriented by the presence of a Perfectly Normal Woman amidst the crowd . Juan Ton is swept away.

27.  Andi, the prosecutor.

We can already tell that it is going to be a difficult season because poor Juan Ton has been given no ladies who can be distinguished from the others, except perhaps Sharleen.  We have a real worry for him, particularly as the night wears on and we see that he is drawn to the ones who do NOT make the goo goo eyes and who DO appear to have real careers and interests.  Exactly one or two of them.

So Chris Harrison reminds Juan Ton that he has a First Impression Rose to give out, and then throws him into the house.  Juan Ton blinks, Sharleen hands him a stiff drink, and then he says what we're all thinking it must be like: "it's weird to have all their eyes on you."  We remember an old SNL skit about une triscuit y dos mujeres (one triscuit and two women) and suddenly we understand that Juan Ton is La Triscuit, and we feel a little bad for him.

 So he flees (as would we).  But he returns later with some music and they have a dance party. And play in a photo booth.  And after the Ladies are allegedly slightly more loosened up, he peels them away for 1:1 time. We see Nurse Nikki, Renee the single mom, and Lucy the free spirit (who puts her feet up on him).  Then Orgasma gives him a table massage in the courtyard and, while rubbing him down, says she thinks they have a lot in common and that he is "beautiful."  This Viewer Hides In Shame.

All of a sudden, the 1st Impression Rose is laid upon the table, and everyone starts freaking out.  Maggie declares "eets nawt jist ah rose, eets mah future." But Lauren from Oklahoma completely breaks down.  Oh!  She thought she had her shit together but she does not!  Oh! She's convinced that she and Juan Ton would be Perfect but the trauma of her 1 year whirl-wind relationship is getting to her!  She thought she dealt with it but she has not!! (while she tells Juan Ton a little later that she is "totally over it").  She cries on the sofa.  She cries in the kitchen. She cries on garden furniture.

After awhile, This Viewer gets sick of it and is strongly tempted to smack Lauren.  At some point, a lady has to put on her Big Girl Panties because Juan Ton is not going to Get Through Life For You.   Which is apparently what she is looking for.  Their 1:1 time is painful.

In yet more 1:1 time, we learn that Andi the prosecutor "doesn't read a lot" and "doesn't like to read."  She just likes to put people in jail. And some other chick brings a shellacked puzzle that is a photo of Juan Ton, and tells him she is the missing piece.

Just when we think we can't stand it any more, Juan Ton finds Sharleen.  And she tells him about living in Germany,where she was for work.  And trying not to eat so much meat, which is difficult in Germany because you order pea soup and it comes with a "giant wanker on top," and we love her.  And so does Juan Ton, who tells All Of Us that she has "Mundo,". .  she has "world," .. . and that he likes the perspective that she has because she's lived somewhere else.   He runs off to get the first impression rose, leaving Sharleen sitting on the lawn furniture feeling . . .. ..

distraught because she doesn't feel like she has a spark with him.  OH DEAR LORD this has never happened with a First Impression Rose in the history of the bachelor and This Viewer Might Die.  Juan Ton comes with the rose and offers it to her, and after a painful, PAINFUL pause, she. .. says "sure."

Juan Ton reads her body language to say she was "so surprised she didn't know what to say."
This Viewer reads her body language like, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  Now I have a decision to make. Oh well, it will make a good story for me to say C for continue.  I can always go back to Germany."

And to join Sharleen with roses, he promptly thereafter picks:
1.  Norma Cassidy.
2.  Nurse Nikki
3.  Renee, the mom.
4.  Andi the prosecutor
5.  Alli from CHicago.
6.  Chantal
7.  One of the Laurens.
8.  Kelly AND her dog.
9.  Cassandra the NBA dancer/makeup artist.
10.  Daniella.
11.  Chelsea.
12.  Kat -- after an awkward moment in which Kylie thought he said her name.
13.  Victoria.
14.  Chris-Kristy.
15.  Lucy the free spirit.  Who skips, twirls, and dances to and from him.  Really???
16.  Elise.
17.  Amy (not Orgasma).

Orgasma is crushed.   Lauren from Oklahoma is crushed. Kylie is crushed but we are thankful because we only just now got a good look at her dress and it is pink chiffon over pink satin.  We would have cut her too.
Stay tuned for next week, when the Trauma Continues.

-KLo

Juan Ton Part Preview: Countdown to Juan Ton's Walk of Shame

Babies, we have spent the past 24 hours in a Brown Study, staring out the window and wondering how many snowflakes it might take to Crush This Viewer’s Soul.  While we secretly love a good storm, we have been saddened by the violence with which this one has interrupted our happy BNU reunion, after such a long hiatus.  So as we prepare to watch whatever ABC was going to Offer Unto Us in this Perfectly Worthless Sunday Night Bonus Preview Episode (which ABC calls the "Countdown to Juan Pablo"), we get ourselves Ready To Be Entertained despite being  Alone.  And Bereft of KMu and ABe.   Naturally, we scavenge our cupboards and find the Perfect Drink.  

White.  Winey. Cheap.  Older than it looks.  And Pre-Sampled (part of this one went into fish soup).  Just like the women we are about to meet.

But suddenly here is Chris Harrison in front of Le Manse De Baachus, inviting us into a sneak peak of the casting process!  We see tape after tape, and it only depresses us.

  “I’m not getting any younger and my eggs aren’t getting any more fertile” says  Infant #1.

“I want to get married . .  . again” says Infant #2.

“I’m Melissa’s Grandma and she should be on that Pageant Show” [“Bachelor grandma, Bachelor!” whispers “Melissa” from behind the camera.]

As the tapes continue, we see a super bendy yoga person, a women who can put her fist in her mouth, an accomplished trumpet player, an accomplished singer, and an Eastern European chick in a hot tub with a giant glass of wine.   It is like Everyman's Newsfeed, ripped from Facebook.  We recall our previous desires to Get Off Facebook. And wonder why everyone over the age of 30 has gotten into yoga.  And running. 

Dear lord, we drank our entire mini-bottle of wine, and now we are UnProtected from the Onslaught:

“I hope there aren’t any hard questions!” says Infant #3, as she is asked whether she is ready to commit to one man for the rest of her life.  Blah blah they all want a family-oriented man who is “strong in his faith” which this Viewer personally thinks is a stupid thing to say, since it usually just means a man strongly convinced of his own narrow view of righteousness.  

Then we Have No Words.   Because one of the infants  (are we supposed to care about her?  This is all so confusing. . .. ) has announced to All of Us on National Television that she was a "virgin until two weeks ago," and then later, that she's going to go "pray on it" after her interview with the producers.  We wonder if she was an extra on the movie "Saved!"

Just as we are wondering who all of these women are and why we are supposed to care about them, ABC decides to Take Us In Depth to meet some of them, as The Harrison and other producers are dispatched to Tell Them The Good News. 

1) We meet Lucinda, at some clothing store.  She informs Chris Harrison that she just ate bacon, and then tries on a macrame dress for him which has a Strategically Placed Macrame Lilly.  We will never think of "Lilly of the Valley" the same way again.  This is horrible.  HORRIBLE. 

2) Next we meet Elise, a blonde 27 year old 1st grade teacher in a house surrounded by barking dogs.  And also, she is learning  Spanish.  And also, she is wearing an orange bikini top attached to an orange table cloth by a six inch strip of orange lace.  Suddenly, we receive a text:  "omg, NO ONE answers the door randomly in full hair, makeup, and skank clothing," says our friend DOe, across the snowy snowed-in miles . Yes, YES. 

Gentle readers, let This Viewer describe the manner in which she Unleashed Herself Upon the World this morning.  Pink top.  Purple coat.  Silver gloves. Grey sweatpants tucked high into bright blue fuzzy socks tucked further into Uggs.  I was like a Homeless Rainbow Brite and it was Glorious.  "Did you wear your Penis Hat?" asks DOe suspiciously when I tell her this.  No, though I secretly wanted to because, Babies, it is the Perfect Knit Cap.   Somehow, it stands straight up, a Vision of red and white vertical stripes with a little knitted nubbin at the end.  Our auntie knit it when we were 10 years old.  And we wore if for another 20 years, including through law school, because one would Not Be Hit by a Car Walking In That Hat.  Safety first, babies.  Safety first. 

But I digress. 

3)  Contesttant #3 is someone named Christy or Kristy or something from Chicago.  She is another 24 year old blonde.  She has completely forgotten her bottoms and apparently chosen to wrap herself in a mustard t-shirt that barely covers all the Lilly of the Valley.  But the top we Cannot Get Past.  So when this viewer was a little kid, our haircuttery would hand out lollypops.  At Holloween, the lollypop would be covered with a Kleenex and drawn to resemble a little ghost.  And basically, this Chris-Kristy character is wearing a Kleenex Lollypop Top.  We may hate this worse than the Lilly Dress. 

4) But we have to move on, because now we're meeting Lauren from Edmund Oklahoma, who is not notable except to the extent that she violently hugs the producer who has drawn the short straw and had to fly to Oklahoma.  And we discover that he is a giant burly man in a t-shirt with wild hair and a wilder beard, and conclude that it would be a thousand times more entertaining if he were to do all of these meet-and-greets on camera, and . .  .

5) Alison (aka "Ally"), a 26 year old nanny from Chicago.  

And a chearleader.  And a boxer.  And a crazy lady in a bikini.  And a yoga person.  And once again, its like a facebook newsfeed all over again. 

At last, we get to learn a little bit about Juan Ton, or the man I like to call "WTF has ABC done to you in their promo picture.  You look like Lurch." 

Our Hero for the Next Two Months  is 32 years old. In case we were all comatose last season, he is a single father.  He is also the first Latin bachelor ever.  "El Bachelorrrrrrrr," he coos, and we start to laugh.  But then we cry a little, because Juan Ton announces that he has been working out with a trainer to look "hot for the ladies" and working on his English.  He was a pro soccer player until his daughter Camilla was born in 2009, and now he is a consultant for sports and entertainment, travelling the U.S. to talk with Venezualan baseball players and also, Other Stuff.  We are dealt a Heavy Dose of ABC Family as we listen to Juan Ton talk about his daughter, how much he loves being a father, and watch him be all hands-on with her.   And she is a pretty adorable 5 year old, but we feel bad for her that she is on tv. 

But here is our thing (All of Us):  We actually love his family, which appears to be a rather extended, loud, laughing group of people.  We walk in on them making Venezuelan food, and his female cousins have no qualms about describing Aaaaaaaaaall the women Juan Pablo has dated over the years and observing that "out of all the cousins, who would you picture making out with 25 women? Juan Pablo!!!".  Finally, one cousin advises him to "keep his shirt on" during the process, and then they laugh about how the women are probably all running on tread mills while drilling themselves on Spanish phrases.  Which is hilarious because that's pretty much exactly what we just saw.  We Love The Cousins.  

We get through the entire family segment still loving his family, including Juan Ton's father who reminds him that he met Juan Ton's mother on a blind date, and just has to think of this as "25 blind dates."   And then we realize that ABC nearly Pulled a Fast One on us, because only this moment did we realize that Juan Ton is wearing the Salmon Shorts of Rage.  WTF is up with this?  Do they stay in a locker room, only to be passed down from bachelor to bachelor through the years?  

Before we can ponder any further, our "intimate look" at Juan Ton and some of his women is apparently over, and we are suddenly watching an homage to Gia Allemande, the bachelorette from season Jake, He is  A Pilot, who took her own life last year, at the age of 30.   We hear "Gia on Love" and "Gia on Friendship" and listen to all of these people Whom We have Seen and Named in seasons past, as they discuss what they loved about her.  It is a nice tribute, for ABC.  We feel sad for Gia and her family.  And we realize that The Bachelor Franchise, like all the rest of us who have reached 13 or more years into our adulthood, is now starting to see some people we know or knew once, die, divorce, and change dramatically from how we Knew Them When. 

With that sobering thought, we are Not Prepared for the Violence that is the next hard edit into "coming up, this season on the bachelor!!"  We apparently get to see Pringles soon.  And also, hear about how "hard this is all becoming" and how several women "don't know if I should still be here" and also, some woman cries into the toilet at a public rest room.  Ew. 

Stay strong, babies.  We will weather the storm together. 

-KLo