El Piloto Part 8: Downward Shame Spiral

Babies, we are on a Downward Shame Spiral, known also as The Women Tell All. We may have eaten T. Bell and ice cream all of last week, but it has not prepared us. And our pilot on this venture (Jake? Is a Pilot?) is El Piloto. "Coffee, tea, . . . or me?" poses PMu.

We jump right in with Nanny No Nips blowing kisses to the audience as Chris Harrison announces that "more viewers than ever watched this season." We simply cannot understand why, even when he recaps the Most Shocking Moments Ever on Season El Piloto:

1. Rozlyn. The screen goes hazy as we see back into Olden Times, when Rozzie got the axe. Or perhaps it is the haze of alcohol through which we watched that episode (all of use). Discovering that Rozlyn was having an Unspecified But Surely Illicit Relationship with A Producer Who Shall Not Be Named certainly "knocked me off my high horse," says Jacques. Nobody tell Walker, Texas Ranger or El Piloto might not get to be an extra on that show again any time soon.
2. Nanny No Nips. We burn BURN with mortification as we are forced to watch N-cubed read her note about not kissing with its scripted laughter: "You think I am kidding about this. Ha. Ha. But I am not," followed by a whole montage of "do you wanna kiss me" moments. El Piloto, describing this particular moment in a pre-taped interview, says The Nanny "exceeded a boundary, and now you are outside of a fence." Once, our male college friends hopped a fence and did a Buck Run across a childrens' little league game. The children screamed and ran away, but the mothers were like "yeah, YEAH!!!!" While we personally might feel like the children during this segment, we secretly think that Chris Harrison is like the mothers.
3. Picking up speed in our Shame Spiral, we come to Le Sausage and El Piloto jumping into The Crevasse. We have nothing to add to this other than : Ew.
4. And then: TenAriel and El Piloto, falling in love at the tip of the Peoples Penis of the Lefthand States. Liturgical turtleneck. Let me dance for you, let me try. Rage. We don't understand why this is a "most shocking" moment, unless we have now segued into "The Bachelor: To All the Ones I've Loved Before."
5. Finally, we are presented with Ali's departure. As this is Still Fresh, we will not recap, except to say that El Piloto does not know what it will be like to see her again.

And now, we have ridden our sprial like a gumball to the very rock bottom of the Sea of Flesh, and it is populated with Bachelor Contestants from Yore. This is a "Sexy New Phenomenon," announces Chris Harrison, called "Bachelor Cast Reunions." We nearly have a seizure as the first person we are presented with is Jesse from Season Double D in a hot pink shirt and fedora, speaking to us from the Las Vegas Reunion. This is "kinda like a fraternity," says he.
"Yeah, a white one," says ABE.
And then here is Danutalie from season Big Daddy, talking about how she loves shoes, shopping, and . . . bears. And Twilley from Season We Can't Remember. And Richard! Richard the Science Teacher WE LOVE YOU evenifyouarestickingyourtonguedownsomebody'smouth. And then: LE CA from season PLo!!!!!! Le Ca is still single, babies. But she has a ginormous "still single" ring to show for it, and a new tiara. And, she is going to LAW SCHOOL. And also, she has a crystal gavel to "rule on which match ups" between former contestants "are the best." I mean, really. Not only are all the lawyers on this show batshit, but now one of the most batshit contestants is actually becoming a lawyer? We weep for the profession. At least there is still Gwen from Season Aaron Burge. Still single. Still a nice normal person.

Oh, but we are not done. Now we are on a Mexican Cruise, and Rozbo from Season Miss J is mixing drinks for everyone while Nikki from Season Big Daddy is throwing her tatas around and announcing that she wants to be a "bad girl" now. GAH. And here is Danutalie again, hooking up with all the boys. "I haven't hooked with everyone!!! I've just 'taken naps' with them," says she. Ew. We wonder if one of them is Wes from Season Miss J, even though he is still looking like he has a crusty mouth and also there is this: "My dating life didn't exactly suck to begin with. Now, since the show, I have had like 1,000 more nipples." Which we had to watch three times to understand he said "NIBBLES." We overhear him saying to Nikki that he has "kinda had his share of hot chicks." Well, Wes, they say that love don't come eeeeaaaaaaasy.

In sum, and according to That Man Whose Name We Cannot Remember But Who Had a Tanning Bed In His Home And Also Was a Martial Arts Instructor Or Something: "These bonds won't disintigrate soon." Yes, nothing is the Tie That Binds so much as a shared STD.

Oh, but we are not done. We are then accosted by "The Bachelor Gives Back" segment, which we secretly think is probably more like "Baby Got Back," as we again see Le Ca making the charity circuit. But here is Sara and Charlie from Season Charlie (we wonder if they are still together?), and Matt from Season Rocky, and B Boy from Season Miss J! We love LOVE b boy, who says that "getting involved in charities is never, never bad." We wish he had been made the Bachelor, even if he was only 24, because it might have saved us from things like this:
Double D to 5th grade boy: "Would you come on the Bachelor and find true love with me?"
5th grade boy: "No. You're too big."
Clearly, what every woman wants to hear. But no time to dwell, as Chris Harrison is suddenly handing Ellen DeGeneris a $10,000 check for Haiti as if it is a Big Deal, even though we think this must be the approximate cost of filming one helicopter date. And El Piloto is talking to a classroom full of Saint Lucians. And then here is Shayne of the Llamas from Season Rocky! And JuanyOnly from Season Miss J! They are handing food out to the Poor POCs as the POCs talk about how it is difficult to find food these days. Classy, ABC. We wish Tannest were here, handing out foot massages to all the needy women.

Finally, it is the actual episode, and we skim the panel of axed contestants: Channy Tranny! Drunk Ashleigh! Corrie Rivers!! Crazy Michelle! Ali! GPow! And lots of others. But we are sick of recaps, and so we fundamentally refuse to do them again, except for this:
"That girl, she shits rainbows," says GPow of TenAriel. "Yes, it is like she fell out of a Disney movie" says someone else, and also: "she just twinkles around." hahahaha, we wish GPow were the next Bachelorette, as she is a strange mix of trucker and class. But now Chris Harrison wants the womens' thoughts on Le Sausage, and GPow is convinced that the Meat is misunderstood. "She's a good person. She just doesn't think before she speaks." "Right," says Ella-the-Mom, "She's 23. Not to sayh that ahl 23 year olds are immature, but she ihs."
"Let's get to Michelle. She will creep us out," says ABe.
But no no, we have to beat a horsey woman, and that woman is Rozlyn. "I just want to know the facts," says Chris Harrison. GPow dishes that Rozzie was not always in her bedroom at night. Drunk Ashleigh says she saw cuddling and some kissing on the forehead. We start to feel as though this alleged affair is ridiculous, as must the viewing audience, and so Chris Harrison asks:
"Did anyone see anything specific?"
"Like a penis?" asks KMu.
And then that Woman Who Never Talked Ever (Jessie?) is suddenly "oh yes, one time I came back to the house because I was sick, and I saw the producer lying on the steps, and Rozlyn lying on top of him, and they were making out." What is this, the Thomas Crowne Affair? Then Ella jumps in: "One tiyme, I was fixin' to go to bed. And Rozlyn was on ahll fours on the sofa, in these teehny shorts. And she stuck her front pahrt down and said 'somebody tell the producer Eyh need to be put to behd." Yes yes, gasps all around. We are really sick of this, so we go to GPow.

GPow must relive her "journey," babies, including the "it's okay to fall" scene in the winery. Next time she falls. In love. She'll know better what to do. Oooo ooo oo oo! But we do love how she is so graceful about the whole thing, and we decide, again, that we want her to be the next Bachelorette. Even if her hot pink sequins are a World of No.

Not so much Crazy Michelle, who looks like she just came back from a funeral in Hoochyville. Even though it is ABe's very wish, we are still mortified to see Michelle's flashbacks of wanting to "be Jake's copilot" and the tears! and the cackles! And the bad kiss! So Crazy Michelle takes the "hot seat" to discuss her behavior, insisting to Chris Harrison that "no, no, I wasn't playing any game." "Bullshit" says Jared the Subway Guy from the audience, sitting stage left.

Gentle readers, Crazy Michelle has now decided that "Going on a show is not the true way to fall in love." Upon making this statement, Ali (oh. we forgot she was here in person) cuts Michelle like my neighbor Dennis, saying she takes umbrage at Michelle's statements because SHE fell in love that way. "I looked at the down times when we weren't with El Piloto as a time to bond with these amazing other women," says she. "Just like in real life, when you go out with your girlfriends and then your guy." Like Jared the Subway Guy on Crazy Michelle, we cry bullshit, Ali. You don't get to pretend you are Wise an UnStrident Now. And also, we are totally sure that is why you got obsessively angry every time Jake showed interest in another woman.

Michelle continues: "It ws a process. It's different from falling in love in the outside world. What you see on television isn't 100% accurate (I'mnotcrazyI'mnotcrazyI'mnotcrazy)." Nanny No Nips is unhelpful: "Actually, Michelle, ABC didn't have to do much editing because you really were closed off." Says Drunk Ashleigh, "Yeah, you were upset every day." And at last, now with the television audience LAUGHING, Michelle insists, "Talk to my friends! I don't need a therapist." Oh Dear.

So we go to Ali. WTF is she wearing? It is a tunic with a belt. While attractive from certain angles, we are pretty sure that walking for any length of time would cause this get-up to flounce over the belt, leaving ladybits free to the Open Air. But, aside from the tunic, this is our thing (all of us): We are On To You, ABC. We know you just want to make Ali the next Bachelorette, even though we are on Team GPow. And it does NOT help to have Ali crying about her exit, and about how she would now do things differently and not put love in the backseat. "Even though I am wearing a tunic, M'Lord," says ABe. Frankly, we are more interested in why Jared the Subway Guy has now been switched out for Man In Tweed in the viewing audience, and why all the Asian women in the audience are suddenly nodding wisely. Blah blah Ali announces that Le Sausage does not deserve to be trashed in the tabloids, more Asian women nod, and we are done here. . . .

Except that ROZLYN, in a wrinkled kleenex, is now making her way down the hallway Jerry Springer-style, with the same enormous staffer that watched her pack. And Chris Harrison wants to hear "what is true in YOUR mind, Rozlyn." Oh, Rozzie insists there was never anything between them. For like 10 minutes. Points in her favor:
1 . Nothing was caught on camera.
2. Most of the other womens' stories are about inappropriate thigh touching.
3. Good use of the phrase, "Riddle me this, Chris. . . "
Points against her:
1. The producer (who is/was married?) and his father roadtripped to Rozzie's hometown to visit her after they both got the axe.
2. She claimed to have problems none of the other mothers had, like telephone access to her children.
3. Blah blah blah see the above stories by Ella and the Unknown Woman. This goes on and on, Rozlyn gets angry, calls Chris out for allegedly flirting with the fired producer's wife while on location, the audience is all "Hell no!" and "Stone her!!" and "Witch!!" And then GPow, sealing her dream candidacy for next Bachelorette, says, "Rozlyn, all you would have had to do is say you love this guy and we'd be done."

At last, El Piloto takes the stage. In a blue t-shirt with a black suit jacket over top. ABe gasps in horror at the color combo, but we gasp in horror as he starts with a "blah blah amazing journey. Fall in love with a couple of girls." We see GPow's tearful goodbye, and Ali's tearful goodbye, and El Piloto tells everyone that he knows what kind of job Ali has because El Piloto has one like that too (really?) and that he was hoping she would jump out of the limo and come back to him on the night she left.
Chris Harrison: "Was that the toughest night for you on this journey?"
KMu: "No, that would be when he left the show and started reading tabloids about Le Sausage."

El Piloto fields some comments/questions from the fired contestants, including Kathryn complaining about being let go on the 2:1 date, and then he makes us all feel awkward by gushing for about 5 minutes about how he wishes he had more time with Christina, and that he feels like he made a mistake in letting her go, because she is "beautiful, funny, with such a big heart." Okay, by now we are feeling very uncomfortable and also are convinced he is single now. Particularly after this:
Chris Harrison: "Are you happy . . . . with your decision?"
El Piloto: "Yes."
Followed by a "stay tuned for next week, when Jake hopefully picks the woman of his dreams." from Chris. Still further followed by a flash to next week, when El Piloto questions whether he and TenAriel have any "heat."

We are now so full of shame that we must take a shower. And eat some ice cream.

KLo.

El Piloto Part 7: Love Swing

Let's be honest: The only thing we have to look forward to in El Piloto Episode 7 is the Pirate Ship. It's true, gentle readers. We open on St. Lucia, scene of the "overnight dates" that grace Part 7, with a view of said ship and commentary that this is a "mystical land." We wonder when St. Lucia re-enacts the Treasure Island re-enactment of an Epic Battle, and are sad that Ali is no longer here to go on a 2:1 date with Le Sausage on this ship, as surely one would Not Make It Back Alive. El Piloto recaps the remaining women, because we must do SOMETHING to fill the two-hour show:
1. GPow. Gentle readers, El Piloto had stereotyped GPow as "one of those sexy, confident, model types." You know, this viewer gets mistaken for one of those All The Time, there are just so many of them running around these days. How fortunate that El Piloto realized that, in fact, GPow is "really complicated." And also, they have "electric" chemistry.
2. TenAriel. "My name is Tenley like Ten," says she in a flashback to Part 1. "My name is Tenley and I have the Tinkliest Tiny Tot Tone ever," we mutter. We secretly think TenAriel was either a) a gymnast or b) worked in a helium factory in a past life. GPow has a baby voice, but TenAriel has not left the womb. At any rate, El Piloto is concerned that she is not ready to Fall In Love Again.
3. Le Sausage. Oh, she wants to feel his abs. Oh, the amazing connection they began on their first date, jumping off the bridge. We conclude that he likes Le Sausage because they bonded over a traumatic experience, not unlike The Biggest Loser (which we think has a higher marriage rate than The Bachelor, by the way). We also feel en fuego at her vocal stylings, but secretly love that she goes a little cross-eyed every time she starts talking like a little girl. Which is all the time.

Oh, but then there is Ali! As El Piloto wanders around in the waves, throwing rocks into the water, he muses on how he misses her. Ali, supposedly back at home wearing a hotel bathrobe and staring at glossy pictures of Jacques, cries. She thought that work would get her through life, but now she has a life without love!! We suspect she will be applying to law school soon.

But El Piloto has rebounded, and here we are on our first date with GPow on Pigeon Island!!! GPow has apparently escaped from prison and lost her pants in the wind. As El Piloto conveniently turns his back to the camera, GPow awkwardly sneaks up behind him and humps his leg. "I didn't even know you were coming!" El Piloto exclaims. Well, ABC don't pick 'em smart. El Piloto explains the plan for today's date like a 6th grade book report: "Today's date will be perfect. We will enjoy the boat. GPow. And the great people on this island. We will be going to where the local people shop."

But we don't care any more because steel drums are playing, and steel drums make us feel the BURNING RAGE. Our own musical hell is a Philip Glass composition on steel drums, marimba, and the jazz flute. But for the Good Of The Order, we fight through our pain to discover that GPow and El Piloto are heading to Gros Islet. "Which," KMus translates, "is French for Big Islet." GPow and El Piloto are soon drinking coconut milk and dancing around to a drummer in the middle of the street. We are pretty sure that the drummer is having impure thoughts as he looks at GPow.

As we go to another drumming St. Lucian, flanked by a second St. Lucian with no teeth, El Piloto comments: "It's very nice that Gia, from New York, that has $1000 pairs of shoes, is empathetic for people who lay their hearts on the line, trying to make an honest living out there." And we have Had It. The only POCs we see on the Bachelor in the past 10 years are the limo driver, tech person caught on camera, and a few contestants from Olden Days who never made it past round 3. And now, NOW the POCs we get are black dread-locked men with no teeth playing drums in the street? WTF.

El Piloto buys a fugly necklace for GPow, which she declares she will always wear _on her wrist_, El Piloto is suddenly wearing his Rastafarian choker again, and as they walk into the sunset, we hear him muse: "We would have so much fun traveling the world. That's something I've gotta have" in a woman. And then " I want to come back here for my honemoon. It would have a lot of meaning."
"Yes," says KMu. "I'm not sure who it will be with yet, but it's gonna have a lot of meaning."

After topless leaping into the ocean at sunset, GPow and El Piloto head to dinner out by the ocean. GPow has bedazzled the shit out of her dress and headband, which the Flying J thinks is great (likely because she looks like a landing strip). He wants to "create an environment of peace" for GPow, where she will feel comfortable "opening up." He would love to see GPow "Open up completely." How fortunate that being with him has "Opened her up so much." PMu starts laughing.

El Piloto decides to sell himself. Under the category of "Who Really Says That," Jacques says "One thing I do is put others ahead of myself. You know, someone to take care of me if I take care of them. Actually, I'd *probably* take care of you regardless. That's what I bring to marriage." We are speechless, as, apparently, is GPow. "Wow, guys don't KNOW that," she says. "I've never met a guy who could say half the stuff you just did." We wonder, for the zillionth time, who GPow has been dating, and then whether ABC has gone all low-budget on the fantasy suite as Jacques leads GPow to . . . a big hammock. While having a hammock in our home is on our Bucket List, we must put that dream off a few years so as to block the memory of this:
"Swinging on a hammock with Gia. It's like our bodies just . . . fit together. It was so romantic, with the water crashing underneath the hammock."
Which, of course, leads to the giving of the Fantasy Suite card. GPow accepts, and soon all of us find ourselves following the trail of clothing into the bubble bath. We think of scented, whipped air and vomit a little in our mouths. "Gia has grabbed ahold of my heart so hard," says El Piloto. Which, of course, is their business as we can't see Who is grabbing What under all those bubbles.

And off we go to Date #2 with TenAriel at Rodney Bay. Oh, El Piloto is so excited to see TenAriel, with whom he has connected on so many levels: family, values . . . um. As they leap into each others arms, he informs TenAriel that he is taking her to see The Passion of Jake: a helicopter ride to a sugar cane plantation, where they will have a picnic lunch in "Balenbouche," on the corner of a rain forest. We once went to a sugar cane plantation, which was a bit like being a whale and inhaling all the bits of sugar like plankton every time we opened our mouths. Okay, so we concede that some comparisons need not be made. But let the record reflect that we would be fat and toothless shortly under such conditions.

TenAriel, gentle readers, "hasn't had a picnic in years! Not with a boy!" She wants to know how El Piloto would "pursue her" in real life. With "exotic dates?" "Say we're at dinner," he responds. "Then literally, we could go to Kansas tomorrow." We have been to Kansas and don't find it particularly exotic, but ABe and the Mus correct me that El Piloto in fact said "CAMANS." Even so. TenAriel responds with "this is like a dream." And then "Everything we do together is so real." ABe concludes that this is the part where Aunt Jemima shows up and offers them pancakes.

Blah blah El Piloto again talks about how he brings commitment to a marriage, and TenAriel gushes that being with El Piloto has allowed her to feel passion again, since her ex husband. As they run down the beach and into the water, we once again cannot see what El Piloto is doing to elicit her "naughty boy" exclamation, but we must Walk It Off. Soon we head to dinner in the Courtyard of Melrose Place, and TenAriel is stressed because she "hasn't been with anyone since she was married." In addition, the "only person she has ever spent the night with was her ex husband." The Flying J suddenly develops Turrets:
"I thought we had such a great talk.
Great thing about it.
Be myself.
Never thought of it.
Means world."

what? More disturbingly, TenAriel says "Having been married before, it means so much to me that you've given me the opportunity . . . given my past." TenAriel? Married before? And Jake is a Pilot? This is Totally New Information. But also, TenAriel honey, the fact that one's husband cannot keep his penis in his pants does not make one damaged goods.

Suddenly, we don't care any more because we have realized two things. 1) El Piloto is wearing a Tuxedo blouse. "We're here! We're queer! We want to get married by the ocean!" chants ABe. And 2) El Piloto is leading TenAriel towards a soap statue of phalli.

One time we took a soap sculpture class, in which we made a big bunny out of a bar of Irish Spring and a baby bunny out of the spoils. We are not making this up. The big bunny still sits in one of our drawers. El Piloto apparently took the same class, with differing results. . Babies, this sculpture looks exactly, and I mean *exactly* like the Holy Trinity of Penii. We cannot look away, even when El Piloto says "I'm just gonna . . . sway back and forth with you" as he tries to dance, and she says "I'll let you take the lead," followed by, "Do you think you can lead me in life? That's what I want." Because we STILL CANNOT STOP LOOKING AT THE SCULPTURE.

Only moving on because we must, El Piloto is back to talking about "every time we kiss, I feel like I'm on a treadmill." We feel that way too, but only when we take the stairs. TenAriel reiterates that she is "feeling nervous because I've only been with one man."
KMu: "Wait, who?"
ABe: "I dunno, she hasn't mentioned it."
El Piloto offers the Fantasy Suite, which TenAriel accepts. Says El Piloto: "I cannot wait to . . . watch our . . . first sunrise." Yes, babies. Cockadoodle doo.

And suddenly, it is the date we have been waiting for: Le Sausage aboard a Pirate Ship!!! It's the very boat used in Pirates of the Caribbean, babies. And it is called: The Unicorn. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We have vague memories of going on a fake pirate ship as part of some forced social outing in the past, and are pleased that El Piloto has found the eye patch, goblets, and skull-and-cross-bones bandana that we remember. Le Sausage and El Piloto are so "playful together," babies. Which is why she licks his face. And then fires a canon. And then climbs a rope ladder. At this point, we are not sure of the distinction between the Pirate Ship and Chuck-E-Cheese.

Now, if we were Le Sausage, there is no way in hell we would let some dude climb a rope ladder after us in our little swimsuit, because No One needs to see That. But we are suddenly grateful that we are not Le Sausage, as she is now ROLE PLAYING with El Piloto. Yes babies, he has a machete, which he has smacked on her behind, and is forcing her to walk the plank. "I want to please Vienna and Vienna wants to please me," says the Flying J and we Cannot Go On. We are sorry, but we just can't.

El Piloto takes Le Sausage to dinner in a gazebo, where she "wants to know what he thinks and feels." For her part, Le Sausage is ready to have children and be a mom, though she *does* want to wait to have children. El Piloto, in turn, concludes that he must "make sure it's not just sexual" between them. Suddenly, ABE has bolted to the other room, screaming. As we wait for her to return, Le Sausage continues: "When I told you my family is most important to me, when I become married, my husband becomes most important." Yes, we all know she has had some practice at that. El Piloto wants to know what type of ring she wants (thin band, bling), and she asks if he could see her has his wife. Yes yes, she wouldn't be here if he didn't. And then we . . . .

are in the fantasy suite. And Le Sausage is suddenly in a white negligee. With a black thong. With her soundpiece somehow tied to that thong. Because she wants to show him "another side" of her. And she wants to give him "a surprise." And all we can think (all of us) is that we feel sorry for the next person that has to wear that soundpiece. We see no more of this date, as it fades to black to the tune of cheesy flamenco passion.

But the rose ceremony is upon us. And of course, who must call this day but Ali! Begging to come back. Because this takes entirely too much time out of El Piloto Part 7, we are going to summarize it: Freedom's just another word for 'nothin left to lose" babies. Jacques doesn't let her come back because he's "moved on" with the other women, and she is "completely heart broken." And, we're sure we'll see her as our next Bachelorette, if we don't get GPow, because really what are our options.

Having kicked Ali to the curb, El Piloto refocuses on the roses he is about to hand out. Oh, he is in love with three different women for different reasons. We don't really care, because it is the video message episode and we love us a video message!! TenAriel, in her message to El Piloto, tinkles on about how she never in her "wildest dreams thought she would fall in love after such heartbreak." Wait, what heartbreak? Did we miss something? GPow gushes that El Piloto is a "remarkable person" and that she "never wants to let him go. " Oh oh oh, GPow your days are numbered, especially because you are wearing Solid Blue Sparkles. Le Sausage, on the other hand, is confident. "Hey sweetheart! I know you are the Man of My Dreams (unlike Billy Ray and also that other guy I married). I can't wait to wake up with you the rest of my life and flirt for the next 80 years." We don't care because she is wearing another crack ruffle, only this time it is floor length. We hate a crack ruffle.

And he picks:
1. TenAriel (ah, ahahah),
2. Le Sausage!!!!

NOOOO!! GPow gets the axe. She is completely graceful about it, even as she is crying: "You may have made a wrong decision, but I don't think you did, and I am very happy for you." Oh! Classy! We want to comfort her, particularly because El Piloto is now saying that he sees his future wife in TenAriel and Le Sausage, and GPow should really Want No Part of That Company.

Stay tuned for next week, when The Women Tell All!!!

KLo

El Piloto Part 6: In the Ghe-tto

It is almost the "end of our journey," babies! We are at the hometown dates, which we jump right into with GPow, wearing yet another off-the-shoulder-tshirt-bedazzled-with-gold-paint. "I am so excited to be in NYC. This is me," she says. Which is, of course, the purpose of said dates. She has "never dated someone like" El Piloto, and can "finally let her guard down." As there is no better way to relax ones guard than on top of a boat with no one else around, GPow decides to show El Piloto the city by water. After changing clothes into a babydoll trenchcoat and stretch jeans, that is. There is something unsettling about this outfit, but we can't put our finger on it . . . .

Oh, the romance! GPow has brought a camera, and soon she is pointing out the empire state building, lady liberty, and so forth. Jacques, in a voiceover, talks delightedly about how "when I kiss Gia, I get lost in it. There is such a burning desire to know her . . . heart." KSco, satellite viewer, is traumatized by the choker he appears to be wearing as he makes such a confession. WE are traumatized by his choker, as on further inspection it appears to be some sort of Rastafarian relic. We are not quite sure how El Piloto managed to get ahold of this. But suddenly, we are more traumatized because GPow has taken off her jacket and KMu is screaming: "OH MY GOD IT IS GIRARDO'S RICO SUAVE VIDEO OUTFIT!!" It's true, babies. While she *is* wearing a shirt, it is a white lace tank top, with the same belt, same jeans, and same scarf (though not in her hair) as our beloved gigolo.

El Piloto and GPow stop making out long enough to discuss past relationships. GPow, gentle readers, has dated a cheater and a "young guy," would give her the silent treatment when they fought. We are unsurprised that she has dated some craptastic people, and also unsurprised that El Piloto comforts GPow that he does not resolve conflict in such a manner, and . . . off we go to dinner with mom Dana, Ponytailed step dad Tony, Stepbrother Eric, and halfbrother Dylan.

Okay, we love Donna. "My mom is very intuitive. She can read someone just like that," says GPow. She is also a total Broad. But we are mostly interested in her dress, which we are pretty sure is one inch away from being a silken t-shirt, or is already if only she would stand up straight. After much discussion about Having Ones Back around the dinner table, Donna hauls El Piloto out for some 1:1 time. "Is he gonna break my G's haht?" wonders Donna. "You're datin' 4 women at the same time, and one of 'em's my G? What makes Gia so special?" Apparently that G is "real organic" and "natural," to the Piloto.

Not so her brother Eric, whose hair we Cannot Get Past. Babies, he is Gilded. As Eric talks to GPow out on the balcony, we get a 360 view, and it is all somehow up in the air at the same moment, and moist . . . yet not moist . . . yet frozen in time with burnt auburn edging. One time, we dated a boy who bought fancy shampoo to bring out his highlights. We got in trouble when we teased him about his hairs and then realized He Was Serious about It. We are pretty sure that Brother Eric would be the same way. "Just watch out, aight?" he tells GPow. And then later to El Piloto: "She's been cheated on." Oh gee, we feel so much better that El Pilot is "not jealous, but _extremely_ protective" in a relationship.

And then, Donna and GPow drunkenly stumble out into the street and head for a ledge. The entire BNU watches in horror, ABE gasps "don'tsitdown!," but there is nowhere, NOWWHERE to look, gentle readers, but up Donna's silken sheath and From Whence GPow Came. GPow confesses to her mother that the "problem" she and El Piloto are having is that he does the same things with her that he does with the other women, such as handholding. We don't know what to say, and are still traumatized by our Journey Into the Origins. But ABe does: "where are all the black people?!? This is NYC!"

But before ABe can see a POC, we are off to another racially-diverse melting pot, Williamstown, Mass. to meet Ali's family. El Piloto has "real strong" feelings for this one, my dears, and is "ready to get real close" to her. We do not understand, because she is wearing spandex leggings and cowboy boots. When we were in high school, our friend LGi went to south Texas for awhile. And when she came back, she was wearing spandex leggings and cowboy boots. We gasped in horror, but soon we were wearing leggings too (and cowboy boots, but not together). So, on the one hand, while we can understand Ali's fashion choices, we do not understand why it is South Texas circa 1994 in Williamstown at this moment.

At any rate, Ali last went home for her grandma's funeral. After this fact, it remains important, gentle readers, for any man Ali dates to MEET her dead grandma, and to see how much she has shaped Ali's life. "I was thinking we could go to the estate sale . . . " says KMu. So off we go to Dead Grandma's House, where Ali lived during college. We see a picture of said Grandma, and conclude that Ali will not Age Well. Ali emotionally tells of her time with grandma, and how "right before she passed, I called her and told her that she was going to meet this boy [Jake]."
Whispering, KMu channels Dead Grandma: "Ali is going on a Reality TV show. I can let go now." As they make out in the front yard of Grandma's house, Ali says that "my grandma accepted Jake into our life at that moment" and that she was "in tears, looking down at us."
"Yeah, get the f*ck out of my house," says KMu.

So they do, and soon we are at Ali's house having dinner with mom Beth, sister Rya, and brother Mikey. We love Beth, who looks like our Mennonite ancestors right down to the suspiciously homemade-looking sweater, and their house that seems full of lived-in-ness. Beth tells El Piloto that she was impressed with a clip she saw of him on television, in which he was talking about Inner Beauty or some such nonesense, and later gives her blessing when El Piloto asks for permission to marry Ali (if, you know, he decides to pick her). In 1:1 time with Ali, mom Beth is an allstar. And then, we have The Confession! Ali tells El Pilot that she is "so happy" and that if he were to ask her today, she would say yes!!! "Finally," says Jacques, "I can take this glove off" (hahahhaa). Okay, not really, but he does take his gloves off at that moment to kiss her.

And then we are in Newburg, Oregon to see TenArial!! We are very tired, at this point, of watching women crotchrocket at El Piloto and swing around in greeting. We are also very tired of hearing about TenArial's ex. She is "so relieved Jake is not like her ex" babies. Which is why she is taking him to Harlem. "In the ghe--tto . . . and his momma cries .. . " we sing until we realize that it is not Harlem, but CHEharlem Dance Studio and we lose all our thunder. TenArial, my loves, started teaching dance there when she was "very little." And it suddenly makes sense. We are now quite confident TenArial began teaching at age 12, is called "Miss TenArial" by her students, won first place at the Tween Twirler awards a few years back, and got cut from the east coast So You Think You Can Dance auditions last year.

But none of this matters, babies, because TenArial wants to show El Piloto a "little bit of my insides." We secretly hope TenArial's insides aren't like Donnas, and this feeling Does Not Improve when TenArial announces that she expresses herself through dance. "My ex, "TenArial informs us, "never saw me dance. The dance that was in my SOUL." Which is why she choreographed a little dance especially for El Piloto. We start deep breathing and promise ourselves that so long as she does not start Signing to a Christian Music song, we will not start screaming. And then it starts, and these are things we Do Not Understand, in no particular order:
1. Why did she tape her feet? And moreover, why did she use that crappy water-proof tape?
2. Why is she wearing falsies? And biker shorts? (which never NEVER have been okay, even in a leggings-with-cowboy-boots world). Under a skirt?
3. why why WHY the pachabel canon?
We know that this is no "little dance" as the Pachabel Canon is like 6 minutes long. And while she is not nearly as bad a dancer in the studio as she was on the beach in El Piloto Part 1, we are still forcibly reminded of that awkward scene in A Chorus Line. You know the one (all of you): "Let me dance for you, let me trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyy, let me dance for you, we made a lot of music dancing you. and. I. . . . " We are convinced, after seeing numerous middle-aged women race around the stage in high-cut leotards during local theater productions, that this scene should be cut from every version of that musical except the movie version. And TenArial is about six inches from high cut leotards right at this moment.

Thank goodness we have dinner with Dad Rob, Mom Beth, and sister Carly. El Piloto is the "first guy" TenArial has "brought home since the divorce." We are starting to wonder when, exactly, this divorce occurred. El Piloto's largest concern, at this point, is that TenArial is "over her ex." Our largest concern is why TenArial's mother looks our approximate age (okay, maybe a little older). TenArial's biggest concern is making it on America' s Got Talent: "When I danced for Jake today, I got all choked up," she announces at the dinner table. Betty wants to know: "So, TenArial got to show you what she loves to do. When is she going to see what you love to do?" El Pilot stares blankly at her and then says "Oh, you mean aviation?"
Jake? Is a Pilot? Damn, I completely forgot.

Okay, so then we have a series of 1:1s that can be summed up very easily. Dad Rob is relieved that El Piloto's priorities would be to his wife and family. TenArial, says Rob, would bring a lot of "joy into a home." Crap, WE would bring a lot of joy home with us if we didn't have to work (which we are going to be late for shortly babies. Apologies.). Betty gets choked up because the ghost of husbands past has traumatized TenArial, and she will likely have some spillovers from her divorce for "awhile." But if anyone is ready for a quickie marriage after a painful divorce, "It's TenArial." We at the BNU decide that it would assist All Involved if ABe's dad stepped in for the parents at the Hometown Date stage of this show: "So, do you vote? Have a job?"

El Piloto ALSO asks TenArial's dad for his blessing to marry TenArial, TenArial announces that her "heart feels safe" with him, and we are onto more important things: How Sausage is Made.

Le Sausage is the last of the hometown dates, and the only one to wear impossibly short shorts and about 2o layered t-shirts over a swimsuit. "There is just something real natural about Vienna and I," says El Pilot and we have no words. Except maybe "silicone." and "injectibles." and "wtf." She is a Florida girl through and through, according to her, which is supposed to explain the outfit, the giant golden charm necklace, and the fact that they are now on a pontoon boat in which he is awkwardly lying across both of her legs while simultaneously driving.

Le Sausage, my babies, is ready Not to Make the Same Mistakes Twice, with respect to her prior marriage. That's why she went to school and has done "everything she wants to do," at age 23, and is now ready to try again. And even if this sentence does not strike cold hard fear into the heart of El Piloto, we do not understand why the hair of Le Sausage's sister, Kayla, and mother Lisa, do not. If sheepdogs could talk, Kayla and Lisa would find their pack. We challenge Kayla and Lisa to a hair-off with GPow's Brother Eric.

At any rate, Le Sausage's father, Vincent, is in tears. As he kisses Le Sausage's little dog, which he has been carrying in her absence, and puts her down on the floor, he turns to Le Sausage with hugs and kisses and weeping and gnashing of teeth over how the last few weeks (five?) have been so long. Later on, in 1:1 time, Vinny questions whether Le Sausage is falling for El Piloto. "Oh, I am falling for him, and really hard. I've loved people before, but never been IN love," she says. So, she has liked boys, but not LIKE liked boys before. We understand now. Vinny later tells El Piloto the Facts of Life with Le Sausage in the shed over Vinny's motorcycle: "I've always treated her just like a princess and I expect you to do the same. And she'll do the same for you. Your house will be clean and your kids raised good." Once again, we have no words.

And El Piloto, bless his misguided heart, is "failling hard for Vienna." The other girls, he tells Le Sausage's family, don't like her because they are "jealous" of his attention to her. Yes yes, says Kayla, Le Sausage has been dealing with that all her life. But El Piloto is in love with her "brutal honesty," and it is scary to Fall So Hard. This date ends with Vinny's admonition to keep 12 inches between El Piloto and Le Sausage while they make out on the sofa.

And finally, it is the day of the rose ceremony! But, CRISIS, there is a knock on the door, and it is Ali's grandma "I am the ghost of Christmas past," she says. Okay, not really but it IS Ali, and she has come with some bad news: she must choose between going home to work, or losing her job to stay with him. And she needs him to help her make that decision.

Okay, we have Had It. This was semi-believable in Season Miss J, when Ed suddenly had to leave for work after nine years of Bachelor contestants had no employment issues with filming this show. But to have it happen again is totally not credible. And also, El Piloto is being a total Weenie Tot about it. "Life is about minimizing your regrets," he tells her. "I can't look you in the eye and tell you that you're going to get the final rose . . . but I can't look you in the eye and tell you that you won't, either.' Grrrrrrl, you better get your track shoes on. We are wholly unimpressed with El Piloto right in this moment and want to pull Ali up from her little shoulders (ABe is convinced she is teary for lack of food) and tell her to Dodge the Bullet. DODGE THE BULLET, Ali. That is all. But she is not ready, and decides to Announce Her Decision at the rose ceremony.

Which is upon us. As Ali gets out of the limo, we hear El Piloto say that he will do a backflip if she stays, devastated if she goes, and unable to make that decision for her. GAH. It is called making a decision together, dumbass. But we are distracted from El Piloto's dumbassery by Le Sausage, who has chosen to show up in a dress with a crack ruffle up the back. Yes babies. It is a ruffle. Along her crack. Fortunately, we love GPow's red dress, which more than makes up for the crack ruffle and TenArial's subsequent Ode to Green Satin Tunics.

But oh no! Ali asks to speak with Chris Harrison! He takes her to the deliberation room, where El Piloto hauls her legs into his lap (ooo, GPow is gonna be pissed) and we have like, 15 minutes of hemming and hawing. These are my thoughts: Pull the Trigger. And also, Ladybits (as they are on display). ABe, channeling her father once again, shouts "don't be dependent on no man for nothing!" and, finally hearing the wisdom of our beloved LBe I, Ali says she "must go." So now HE starts to cry, they walk to her departure limo, and he says "I feel you are slipping right through my fingers and I don't know how to stop you." Yes yes, Ali is exactly like Sands through the Hourglass. Now lets get on with it.

Jacques returns to the ceremony after a brief stint of weeping over the bannister, decides he must find his inner strength to shoulder on, and picks . .. no one. "Well, come get your roses, ladies. I don't have to give them out anymore," says he.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to St. Lucia with Le Sausage, GPow, and TenArial, and El Piloto gets a call from Ali. Shocked, we are.

KLo

El Piloto Part 5: Great Is Thy Faithfulness

TenArial has overloaded on the lip gloss again, babies. She is greased up like a watermelon in some twisted Camp game as we head into El Piloto Part 5, tinkling on and on about how it's so exciting to be at the point of meeting families, almost and maybe if she doesn't get cut. We are still on the ginormous RVs, but are going to be stopping in . . . San Francisco!! "It's so romantic," says Le Sausage, "I've never been in a big city before." WHAT?

El Piloto meets the RV at The Intercontinental, wearing his horrible leather jacket. "Have some Madiera, M'dear," we mutter to ourselves, and then realize that he is no Continental, Inter- or otherwise, and that these ladies have nothing to fear. He awkwardly presents the ladies' new digs as if he made them himself in Naked Carpentry class, and dumps a date card on the table before he leaves. It's for TenAriel!!! "Let's get our Love on Track in San Francisco." TenAriel is so excited to have a date that she has eclipsed the pitch of dog whistles. Her heart is pounding, gentle readers, and she would be devastated if she were sent home.

"I am prejudiced against people who wear eyeliner all the way around," says ABe, wholly unsympathetic to TenAriel's anguish. ABe, it seems, is into the Sutter Home Chardonnay again. But now we ALL are. "The introduction of mini-bottles may have been a miscalculation," says KMu.

Moments and a hard edit later, The Flying J is picking up TenAriel for their date in. . . . a liturgical dance turtleneck. This is our thing (all of us). We don't like liturgical dance. We realize that some people find it Deeply Meaningful, Etc., but we are convinced that it is mostly done by people who didn't move enough as children, and who consequently feel the need to leap around in pinafores and turtlenecks frantically waving banners of bright colored cloth. In that way, we suppose liturgical dance fits San Francisco, but it does not fit El Piloto.

Anyhow, El Piloto kumbayas TenAriel onto a streetcar, while she tinkles on and on like a 5 year old. She has so much love to give, my dears. Oh, and here we are in China Town, which is "amazing, like a foreign country," to Jake. Well THAT explains why the Flying J tries on a hat with a little braid out the back while TenAriel tries on the traditional chinese rice-picker-in-a-photograph hat. We bet these people would buy bandanas with fake dreads glued on it in Jamaica.

Somehow, we find ourselves at a fortune cookie factory. Okay, we used to buy boxes and boxes of fortune cookies for ourselves in college. Which is why a date here would be a total disaster for this viewer, as we would instantly abandon El Piloto for a room full of said cookies, where we would be found 10 days later with a fistfull of fortunes and a belly full of that sweet cardboardy goodness. In the face of so much temptation, TenArial and El Piloto show remarked restraint. He feels "chemistry growing." (ABe: "I'm growin now, just lookin' at you girrrl."). They make out in the fortune cookie factory gift shop, later to be found listening to a Chinese bagpiper in a backalley.

TenArial searches for the right words, so overcome is she: "Finding love in San Francisco would be . . . . . " Like millions of gays everwhere.

While TenAriel and El Piloto are getting ready for dinner, we flash back to the ladies in the hotel room, where the next date card has arrived. We did not realize a person could wear so much spandex as Corrie Rivers leaps for the card. And then we realize she is 22 years old. 22 = spandex. 32 = fleece with an expandable waist. Trust me, babies. "Come be the Queen of My Castle." the card reads. And it's for . . "Ali and Vienna," says Corrie Rivers. . . followed by a heartstopping moment of silence, followed by "just kidding." The card is really for GPow and Le Sausage, but now Ali is totally lacking in what JShro calls "Good Home Training." The GHT deficient is full on display as Ali, in front of Le Sausage, tells everyone how her heart was beating "so fast" at that, and then tells Le Sausage that her over-reaction is not personal and has nothing to do with Le Sausage, which is so clearly a lie that we have just lost all patience. Le Sausage is pissed and storms off, as she has good reason to be, even though she will Not Age Well.

So back we go to TenAriel and dinner at Coit Tower. Just as the Washington Monument is the starchy no frills Peoples Penis of the righthanded states, Coit Tower is the brilliantly lit, bejeweled Peoples Penis of the Left. Once again, leave it to the gays to make everything pretty.

TenAriel and El Piloto are having dinner on Coit Tower's. . . um, tip. And talking about her marriage: "So, what mistakes did you make in your marriage that you would be conscious of again," El Piloto asks. Well, THAT's presumptive. And she responds: "Oh, I took some things for granted. And I will never take those moments for granted again, no matter what they are . . . jumping up off the couch or out of the kitchen when he comes home to greet him." WTF. There is something not connecting here because generally, these comments would come from someone who had a good 1950s marriage. And also, who bit off her eyebrow? We admonish TenArial's over-aggressive waxer. Next question: "So, what does marriage look like to you?" To which she says, "People have so many unrealistic expectations."
Sayeth KMu: "Like monogamy?"
What does marriage look like to him, dear readers? "Love, honor, respect. Marriage is never going to be perfect, but love can be." Barf.

And then TenArial asks Our Favorite Question In the History of the Bachelor:
"So, pilots and faithfulness?"
Ahahahahhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa. "Yes," says KMu, "Death. Taxes. Unfaithful Pilots." But El Piloto has it all figured out: "Cheating is a choice," he earnestly vows, "and the woman I marry will be the last woman I look at." Looks like there's gonna be a lot of groping in the dark going on in his future.

They open their fortune cookies, both of which say "kiss me," and she ends the evening in tinkly kisses as On The Wings Of Love, the oboe and synthesizer rendition, swells in the background. Abe, KMu, and I are going to bring our recorders next week.

Back at the hotel, the next date box has arrived . . . and it's a coffin. It is at this point that ABe informs me that we are, in fact, related through the Hostetler Massacre. That's right, babies, ABe is the Person of Color cousin to my white self, linked by our blue eyed ancestors who were spared in the massacre of 1757. But for said sparing, we would not be here to bring you the BNU every week. We are not making this up. At any rate (and we could write volumes here, trust us), we will leave you with that, and also with KMu's thoughts on the issue: "In keeping with the San Francisco theme, it looks like you and ABe can never marry."

So we open the coffin to find sequins. Piles and Piles of Sequins. "I thought I would give you all some options to get decked out for our date. I'll pick you up shortly," the card reads. Either Estelle Getty has bequeathed all her dresses to The Bachelor or El Piloto has no taste. We flash to our own days playing dress up, and the red polyester dress with fringies that we loved so dearly, the panythose cut and braided so that we could wear them on our heads and pretend they were long hair, and the sweaters we *might* have pulled out of the Dress Up Box years later to wear in Real Life. Somehow, all of these things are still better than the fuschia solid sequin tank top that Le Sausage winds up squeezing herself into, and the royal blue lace dicky with sequins that GPow finds. Ew ew ew.

We have not recovered from these horrible, horrible outfits when we arrive at . . . another vineyard stretching out in front of a ginormous castle. "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts. There can be No Survivors! The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your sooooouuuuuuuuuls," announces ABe as El Piloto appears on the stairs. Our favorite part of this shot is the camera man in the red ball cap hovering behind him.

The Flying J, it seems, is "nervous to go on a 2:1 date because I can't figure out how to split the time." No shizz, given the *awesome* Ella/Kathryn date last week. As for Le Sausage, she is just excited: "I'm my dad's princess. I'm Jake's Queen, and he is my Prince Charming." Poor GPow is shrinking into the woodwork behind her. But, they are both incredibly excited to discover that they are staying in the castle overnight!!! As they settle in for dinner, Le Sausage tells Jake: "You had me shaking in my pants at the rose ceremony. " We are pretty sure she is not talking about pants pants, and then get confused because we are pretty sure she does not wear lady pants either. And then, she starts to CRY. "When you came back in and saw Ali crying . . . it was ME that was holding back because of what SHE said. It was hard to hold on. And so after the rose ceremony, I couldn't anymore." Okay, these are the biggest, fattest crocodile tears. And also, GPow is sitting right there. Awkward.

So El Piloto reacts to Le Sausage as any man would: "Gia, let's go for some 1:1 time." After, of course, reassuring Le Sausage that she is there because he wants her to be.

GPow and The Flying J wander off into the bowels of the winery for some alone time, during which GPow confesses that she is insecure, made even more so by the fact that the girls previously were discussing how El Pilot liked each and every one of them to put their legs on his lap, and how she didn't realize that was the case because she thought it was just "their thing." Again, we are not making this up. El Piloto reassures her that she's "cute, sweet," that he's really into her, and that he is "falling" for her.
Query: "Is it okay to fall?" GPow whispers.
Answer: "It's okay to fall."
RAGE. BURNING RAGE. We are on a plane to write dialogue for ABC, stat.

But by now, Le Sausage's meat has gone cold (badabing), and so she is now wandering the winery, carrying a lantern and bleating "Jake? JAKE???" She's lost, babies. Lost, and cold, and hungry (because she didn't eat her salmon, stupid girl), and just wants to find El Piloto. Which she does, eventually, and gets her 1:1 time:
"I am keeping my eye on the prize," she tells him. We really hate that phrase. But we hate her thoughts on marriage even more: "I want to feel like a 6 year old kid every single day." (We are pretty sure this is illegal in all 50 states). "I want to have fun with my husband, to travel. (Well, the bar is low on that one considering she has NEVER BEEN TO A CITY.). But, El Piloto keeps it original by telling her that he's falling for her too, adn then we are done with dinner.

Le Sausage and GPow are sharing a room that night in the castle, but Le Sausage really wants to sneak down to see El Piloto, so once again she takes her lantern, wine glasses, vino, and wanders down. Ahahahaa, he has a giant knight in shining armor painted on his walls. As he lays there awkwardly, she attempts a toast: "To new beginnings. Finding love. Not having to go back to my own bed." He eventually kicks her out, but we still must deal with this: "I was laying there. Not quite nekkid. She was close. Very sexy. Two glasses of wine. I assure you, I had dirty thoughts." GAH.

Meanwhile, the next date card has come for Corrie Rivers. (Suck it up, babies, because we have two more dates to go). "Love is a walk in the Park." it says. Since, apparently, we are done with GPow and Le Sausage, we jump right into this date. Corrie Rivers is, hands down, wearing the ugliest and most impractical outfit on El Piloto Part 5. Despite the fact that they are WALKING in the PARK, Corrie Rivers selects 1) a 3/4 length tight dress, 2) leggings, and 3) patent leather high heels. "That is one fugly outfit," says ABe. We secretly laugh when El Piloto drags her into a boat in that getup.

This date is mostly tragic, and so we will be relatively quick:
There you see her.
Sitting there across the way.
She don't got a lot to say.
But there's something about her.
And you don't know why.
But you're dying to try.
You wanna kiss de girl (la la la la la).

Needless to say, he doesn't. He'll go 80 if she'll go 20. She's only willing to go 10 if he'll go 90. She's saving herself for marriage. He approves of this, but you know it means she's toast. At last, they manage to kiss in front of a ginormous fish tank after dinner. "FINALLY." says KMu. "Even I was getting blue balls over here."

As Corrie Rivers' date grinds to a halt, Ali has gotten the last date card: "I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city," it says. Oh! Ali is excited because this is her very living quarters. WE are excited to see some nice clothes, even if her boots are a World of No. Le Sausage thinks it "sucks" that Ali gets to show El Piloto around town. We try to care.

So let's see. Date Ali starts with an introduction to the San Francisco skyline, where she points out the apartment complex in which she lives, followed by a random walk around the neighborhood. He buys her flowers ("You're my flower," she says. NOOOOOOO), and they talk about how it would be fun to have a place in Dallas and a place in "SF," which sounds totally awkward coming from El Piloto's lips. They have a drink at a little cafe, where El Piloto takes a big swig of a foamy latte and goes in for a kiss with all that frothy nastiness around his mouth. We know that this date would end a Firey Death right here if it were with This Bachelorette, as we would likely vomit on the Bachelor. They talk about her work (ooo, looks like this date is going for a firey death anyway) and she reassures him that she only works 5 days a week, but that she checks her email every day.

Ali and El Piloto wind up at the Golden Gate Bridge, or some park associated therewith, where Ali tells El Piloto that she runs (not anymore. Smart choice announcing that on national television, Ali.). And, they see a Pelican eating a crab. "SEBASTIAN!!!" gasps KMu. Somebody tell TenArial, for she will be sad. Blah blah Ali straddles El Piloto and they kiss on a blanket. Blah blah champagne in the sunset. Blah blah she completely sidesteps all questions about Le Sausage, and claims all she really cares about is his happiness as she mutters *diebitchdie* under her breath. Aaaand, they run into the water in her big tall leather boots. Bet those were fun on the walk home.

So here we are at the rose ceremony. One time, we made the mistake of watching Hoarders, in which the clean up crew discovered not one, but three dead cats flattened under the junk in this woman's house. Those cats have been turned into a hairpiece, and that hairpiece is on Le Sausage's head. We CanNot Look Away from the dead cat hairpiece nest. Okay, but we do look away long enough to secretly long for Ali's outfit, a la black and white saucy barrister. And also, to watch TenAriel confess to El Bachelor that she is nervous he is falling for a bunch of women at the same time and (nonsequitor) "when are we going to dance?" So of course, they do.

Meanwhile, Corrie Rivers has gone all transparent on us. She looks lovely, but homey needs a steak. It's okay, honey, you'll be going home soon and can comfort yourself with some Chubby Hubby. GPow is not much better, though she has covered her skinniness with a satin sheet fringed with fake peacock feathers. But we actually like GPow, and so we will abstain from all further commentary.

And then: why Why WHY is El Piloto so captivated by Le Sausage? We know he is from Texas, and we know they love their meat, but seriously. He wants to do something "special," for her, so he actually hauls her down to the room he's been sleeping in to look out at the city skyline through the balcony, and vows to us all that he will stop holding back with her. Apparently, gentle readers, he pulled away so as to be fair to the other women by not shutting them entirely out, but that is At An End. Proving, once again, that you cannot stop a man from running with scizzors if he wants to. I mean, really.

Ding ding ding Chris Harrison announces that it is time for deliberation, and we have these last thoughts. El Piloto and TenArial are looking for the same things in life. "But would you say she's a Ten out of Tenley?" ABe wants to know. GPow "may be the most insecure." Corrie Rivers is a "good, sweet girl" and total toast. He "loves Ali's temperament" (uh oh, more toast). But Le Sausage, well SHE is exciting, and you "never know what she's going to say."

Predictably, he picks:
1. TenArial
2. Ali
3. GPow
4. Le Sausage.

Corrie Rivers goes home! Clearly drunk in her exit interview, Corrie Rivers cries to the camera about not opening up. We feel bad for her, but she is 22 and we promise, in another decade, she will not even remember it.

Stay tuned for next week, in which we learn that GPow's mom is A Broad.

KLo