A-Team Part 4: It's a Rampant Beast

Episode 4 begins and ends, nearly, at Lake Ta(ho)e. And that pretty much sums it up. The women are all skreetchity because they get to go on a private jet with Andy up the coast of California to ski and do whatever else one does. Andy, you see, wants a woman who will "go the distance." We concede such woman may be Amber, who leaps from bed to bed in her excitement, causing mental images of Another Woman Down and more people like Bevin on crutches imminently. While we were 23 once, we do not recall being that excited to go to the lake.

Anyhow, we see Andy's borrowed batmobile, Andy dancing terribly in that white man way as if taking a dump in the woods, Andy ordering everyone else to wait for Bevin (Bring In the Gimp), and Andy presenting the women's chateau as if he picked it out himself....and then playing "steamroller" with the women. Because that is what one does on the Bachelor. All this viewer can think about is how steamroller would hurt her knees and how somebody would probably knock heads. We decide we are too old for this show.

But here we are, with the first date card arriving for Nicole, Stephanie from KS, Bevin, and Danielle, right beside "chips on a plate." We immediately think, "ooo, potato chips?" and then realize that gambling chips are not edible and this must be what happens when one gives up dessert in the hopes of looking less like whole hog sausage in the shame and embarrassment that is The Unitard one is forced to wear because one just HAD to agree to be in the Will Rogers Follies to help one's friend. Hypothetically speaking.

Bevin has a little melt down because it's "hard to do anything" and she "can't get ready for anything" and blah blah we don't care, ESPECIALLY since this woman has allegedly broken the same damn ankle twice before and so should be pretty adept at the crutches thing by now and after all this is only a sprain. But the women bond together and help her get ready, as one cannot do one's hair with a sprained ankle, so that they may all watch the sunset with Andy until......

Bevin has another breakdown. We decide she is a female fuckwit. This woman has wedged herself into strappity high heels and is going sans-crutches for the sole purpose of impressing some man who says things like "Do you feel a little electricity every time we touch" and "that is what human relationships are for" when he pulls her away to make out and oh yes, talk about why she doesn't seem herself that evening.

Our Greek Chorus (Nicole) in this little Tragedy tells us: "She is having a moment."

And off we go to gamble, with Bevin somehow walking (though with a limp) and then standing forever by the table where you throw the dice and the guy moves the whatzits around on the table with a little fork thingy. We are thinking about how potato chips are much more fun until Andy pulls Stephanie from KS away for some 1:1 time and we decide she canNOT win because we kind of like her and he is saying things to her like "keep on keepin' it real."

But then Danielle comes to the rescue and we cannot take our eyes off her white eyelit dress with tutu tulle around the bottom and pink shawl. That is some crazy shit. Though allegedly attracted to Stephanie from KS for showing "vulnerability," Andy now likes Danielle because she is a "very strong woman" and he would "expect nothing less from a nor'easterner." We see her in a parka with a pipe and fishing hat, and suddenly think she secretly is a man.

Of course, Bevin gets the "Special Quality Time" with Andy because she didn't get a date last week (even though she spent hours at the hospital with him and he gave her a watch). He CARRIES her to his suite, gentle readers. And then talks about how he is a nerd and always did the science fair in high school and wants to be an astronaut. Can we believe that Bevin had no idea there was a need for "underseas officers to be astronauts?" We remember all the stupid things we have said to men in our lifetime by accident, but decide she is serious and therefore not comparable to us. Which is why we have no qualms about reporting the following pallid attempt at flirting (really, we must. For the sake of the children.).

Bevin: Can you give me a check up?
Forest: I will give you a THOROUGH check up.
***smoochsmackslobber****
Forest: I just feel like you are so real.
Bevin: I can't not be real. I just wish..... [insert cow eyes]
Forest: I know what you wish. Hang in there....tell me, if I am in Hawaii, where will you be?
Bevin: Hawaii.
Forest: You are my sanctuary.

And that is it. That really is it. We rant to ourselves about the death of Romance in the 21st century, the thrill of the verbal spar, and the lack of Jane Austin in our lives. We stand unashamed in our reading of books such as Much Ado About You, which we now consider essential therapy to combat the general dullness that is the 30 year old man brain. Andy may want to be our gyro, baby, in the words of Enrique, but we have given up lamb for six months and are not sure we want to partake ever again if this is what we have to look forward to.

But first we must watch Group Date 2.

Date 2 is with Tessa, Kate of the Worm, Tina/Wing, and Fleiss Girl. If we hear "me and Andy " from FG one more time, we may freak. But we don't, because we want to see Andy teach the women to ski. Kate of the Worm hates snow, doesn't want to ski, and has no idea how to do a "pizza wedge" with her skiis to stop. Probably because pizza has never crossed her lips. It's in the shape of a triangle, Kate. And now we are thinking about pizza and hating The Unitard even more. Fortunately, Tessa, knows how to ski and does a nifty little trick of bringing Andy down the hill on the back of her skiis. We like Tessa and decide she can't win either. But Tessa makes Andy feel calm, which has us worried.

FG talks smack about throwing other girls under the bus if they get in her way. She also trashes a "certain woman" to Forest and tells Forest that the other girls are secretly annoyed because he's running around kissing everyone. But not her. Oh no, she is cool with it. She knows how this show works. Blah blah all we can think about is how by the time she is 50, she will have to draw on her eyebrows like my 5th grade math teacher Mrs. Crum, so thin and freakity are they. Poor little dears, plucked within an inch of their lives.

Weirdly, Kate then wins the trip with Forest in the gondola, which she uses NOT to get to know him but to complain about the other women, including FG, who is "not the sort of girl you would bring home to your parents." She may be correct, but she doesn't know Andy's parents and we hate her anyway for being so totally crappy.

But to all our shock and awe, Tina/Wing gets the "Special Quality Time" with Andy (what is this, Reading Rainbow?) He thinks Wing is sexy because she is not backstabbing. Wing realizes that she is "not that competetive" which is sort of hilarious because she is a med student. Wing also talks like one of those doctors in a pharmaceutical ad, all sunny while saying product X may cause blow out. According to our sister, we may not want to hear Wing's message, but it is still a refreshing change in light of everyone else's backstabbing. Hm.

Nicole/Chorus: Amber can't stop talking about Andy.

Which leads into Amber's 1:1 date, in which we conclude that we have failed as a woman. Amber takes all day to get ready for this date. Amber wants to coordinate her outfit down to the gloves and hat. Amber has the most blindingly white french manicure that this viewer has ever seen. We think of our aging makeup from 8th grade stuffed somewhere upstairs, our ragged cuticles, and our lack of knowledge about The Hairdryer, and we feel deeply ashamed that we are not upholding our end of the Feminine Mystique. We comfort ourselves in the thought that we drink a lot of water. And also, Amber is 23 but looks 40. We also see the location of Amber's date-- a stone lodge with a raging fireplace--and decide we could never survive this date because we would be much more interested in sleeping in front of the fire than talking to Forest, even if dippity food were involved.

They eat fondue and talk about women's cattiness. Jealousy, according to Andy, is a "rampant beast." As this is not news, we focus on Amber's plate-like earrings. This date ends in the jaccuzi, where Amber sits on Andy's lap (somehow without floating away; how does this happen?), and she nearly lights her rose on fire with the surrounding candles. blech.

And then we are at the rose ceremony. Ooo ooo, Kate has gotten her hair stuck in Aunt Ethel's doily tablecloth and decided to turn it into a dress just like on Gone With the Wind. Amber has some freakity beaded breastplate on her dress. Nicole has taken her Greek Chorus role WAY too seriously, in a hot pink floor length greco-roman sort of bust-minimizing from L.L. Bean swimsuit type dress. And FG believes she is "smoking hot" in this little number open to her NAVEL. She says her relationship with Andy is "very nurturing, especially on her end," and we worry that she is going to demonstrate by moving her dress an inch and starting to breastfeed. Bevin, bizarrely, is still wearing high heels and now is not limping at all. She swears she has been "counting the hours" until she sees Andy, which Andy loves and gives her more smootches in some back corner:

Nicole/Chorus: Are they talking about her ankle again?

And then we really hate Kate, who starts a rumor that Tina said Amber slept with Andy the other night. Tina?!?! Kate is an idiot if she thinks some chick is going to believe that....but Amber does and starts to cry and it is big drama until.....roses must be given. Nicole gets all buggity eyed.

And we have
1. Tessa
2. Danielle
3. Bevin
4. Tina
5. Stephanie from KS

to join Amber with the roses. Oooo, Kate, Nicole, and FG get the axe. Nicole is sobbing, but FG has a feral look in her eye and says "well, when you like someone [like that fucker Andy], you want him to be happy. And he's going to be, with or without me [the fucker]. She scares this viewer a little bit.

Stay tuned for next week, when there is Drama on the High Seas and Andy tries to impress some poor woman with "a $1M car and $2M of jewels."

K

A-Team Part 3: "P"

This viewer must begin with a shout out to her sister, who tried to phone her with the television remote control as the initial credits rolled. While we are loath to relinquish our own future spot on the Bachelor (as a secret underground journalist a la Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality, of course), we note a certain criteria has been fulfilled. We heart you, sister.

Episode 3 begins with a montage: love lift us up where we belong, Stephanie from SC's freakity eyebrows, mud wrestling, the eyebrows, racing cars, the eyebrows. We stand firm in our conviction that she wants to be the next Fleiss Girl.

To fulfill the educational component of ABC's programming, we get to learn all about the letter "P." But sadly, from a heavy-breathing boot camp instructor with man breasts and not from Cookie Monster. In his words, "life sucks and then you die." But first, we must put on our "PT." That's physical training gear, for you newbies. PT apparently involves wearing no underwear under ridiculously short shorts, which we confirm by multiple gratuitous shots of women making their beds. Before the male contingent of this viewing audience gets excited, I leave you with this: Chafing.

But Erin is disappointed because she thought being on the Bachelor meant drinking and hanging out by the pool, and this is just NOT romantic. She also is "Pretty fit because she JUST had to go on a date and exercise." We all wish we were 24 and it was that easy to stop the ravages of time. But it is not, so we assist the downward slide by pouring a glass of wine.

Bootcamp is standard: a rose doubling as a carrot to get the chickies through it, bad rhymes ("I don't know what I've been told. I am going to get that rose"), toothbrush floor scrubbing, and concerns about grass stains from Kate the worm girl. But suddenly, Bevin is down!!! In her single-minded pursuit of the boot camp rose, she feels a snap. And then she is crying great, unbachelorette gulps and this viewer is reminded of the time she received a phone call to babysit 30 seconds after breaking her finger and screamed into the phone "I don't care!" when her other sister said, "it's for you" and then had to apologize to the nice family at church.

But Andy comes running up, of course. Mr. Drill Sargeant asks if he is a medic, and he says, "no, I'm a doctor." hahahaha. And then he diagnoses her with a "displaced fracture of the left ankle," stat (which turns out to be only a sprain). And THEN he whips the bootcamp rose out from somewhere and offers it to Bevin before riding in the ambulance with her to the hospital. He is "proud to give this rose to the fallen soldier, but also to the woman who gave her all for me." We are pretty sure we have to find a way to use that line over and over in our real lives.

And then we are whisked away to the first Group Date: a spa day with Stephanie from KS (gymnist), Nicole (drunken cake maker), Amber (we know nothing of her, so she will probably win), Tina/Wing, and Fleiss Girl. Oh, and guess what: It's in a giant mud bath. Forest, you see, "likes a girl who can get down and dirty" and cannot "wait to see these girls go down deep in the muck." FG does not disappoint him, rubbing all up against him because "me and Andy" have a connection and as soon as they see each other, it's like "come here."

But suddenly we don't care about FG's bad grammar because we learn that Forest gave Bevin a watch while at the hospital. Some men give diamonds at the birth of their first child. Forest apparently gives fancy watches when you break your shizz. wtf. We also get nervous as episode 3 may give our friend D new ways to convince this viewer to part with her velcro man watch. It has two time zones, D!!! But I digress.

Anyway, back we go to Group Date 1: and surprise surprise, Stephanie from KS gets the 1 on 1 time with Andy--a couples massage. FG is going to CUT HER, I tell you. But Steph is oblivious, teetering off in her high heels and bathrobe to rub him all over and convince him that he made the right choice.

Group Date 2 is with Kate of the worm, Danielle of the dead boyfriend, Erin, and Amanda. Forest shows up in a weird leather jacket; it's not brown, it's not red, it's not black. It's just weird. He takes them to an obstacle course with Dukes of Hazard cars and tells them to race. Erin is just so excited and can't imagine a more fun day and is going to be "awesome" at it!!! But she is also worried about Forest thinking that she is prissy, so she tells him that she likes to shoot guns. As he astutely put it, "Erin may have bleach blonde hair and look like a Barbie doll, but she can do some manly things." Yeah. So run Forest, run.

But then we are pretty sure that Danielle just said that her boyfriend died IN BED BESIDE HER. And we curse our lack of videotaping capabilities. And we curse our sister for taking a bathroom break and being unable to confirm this conclusion. But we DO know that Danielle "woke up and he was dead." And we wonder, if this is in fact true, why she would ever admit it on national television? If untrue, we are thrilled to start a rumor. Whoa-oh here she comes, watch out boys she'll chew you up.

And then we see the obligatory slo mo of women in pleather jump suits tossing their hair and dangling fuzzy dice as they walk towards the cars to race. Andy thinks that "women who race cars are 'so sexy.'" Our skeeze meter goes up to 11. Amanda wins this challege, completing the obstacle course in 53 seconds. Erin takes 57 seconds because she doesn't drive stick, but wins the 1:1 time with Andy anyway because she unhinges her jaw. Judas. We did not know she was a snake. But Andy wants to tell her that he "straight up" likes her, and she says she likes him, but is having trouble coming out of her 'shell' and he says bring it on.

Blah blah and on to the final date: a "two on one" date with Tessa and Pey. Ton. We secretly hope that Peyton goes home just so we stop having to hear Forest pronounce her name like "water" in the Miracle Worker. We are irritated that their date box includes a t-shirt that says "future sailor's wife." We also are disappointed because, in the end, Tessa and Pey.Ton. are dressed exactly alike in like the dress/slacks versions of a J.C. Penney pattern called "bandeau top baby." And we wonder how anyone with a chest can wear said top without looking like she has four breasts, two of them on the floor.

And then it hits us. Dear everyone, the reason we have had so few outfits to make fun of this season is that these candidates are dressed alike. Yes, I'll say it: we have a uni-tard situation on our hands.

But off we go to the USS Midway, where we walk through a "Pway" (passage way, babies) to get to Madame Toussad's. We have a frozen/wax dude posing behind the lunch line containing something suspiciously like chitlins and a wax action model of surgeons performing an appendectomy. We are disappointed not to be able to take our picture beside any of these. But more dismaying, we witness terrible flirting between Pay.Ton. and Forest involving a stethascope and hearts with a flutter that are in "need of some love." We conclude that we are never, EVER coming off the dating shelf even for mysterious DOJ attorneys, self-supporting musicians, or German versions of our childhood crush, Ichabod Crain, if we must put up with such fuckwit lines as this.

Worse and worse, Forest is glad he could "educate these women about being a military wife." And he asks his same questions from before: "Ever dated a doctor?" "Ever dated a military guy." And did we mention we do not like his teeth?

In a bizarre nod to Casablanca, Andy then picks Tessa (who wisely said she wasn't sure if he was right for her when she is thinking, by herself) over Pey.Ton. He hustles Tessa to the waiting helicopter and says goodbye to Pey.Ton. They are both crying and we just have to say this for all of Womankind: If you are breaking her heart, do NOT go on and on about how great she is. Also do not be caught describing the woman you picked as "good wife material" and then try awkwardly to stick your tongue down her throat while wearing a helicopter headset.

At the rose ceremony, Andy must now pick 7 of the remaining 9 women to join Bevin and Tessa for the next round. He demands that Amanda tell stories about herself, and she clams up. While he is irritated at her lack of storytelling, we feel kindred spirits to Amanda, having plenty of stories but also hating dates in which one must be interviewed. We also suddenly like Kate, who says, "what am I supposed to do? Save an orphan from a fire?" in order to impress Forest. But we must suffer through a "stephanie sandwich" formed by Steph from KS and FG and kisses to Bevin. Why does Bevin have to be the Heather Mills of this show?

And he picks....
1. Amber (told you)
2. Danielle
3. Steph from KS (is she wearing FEATHERS?)
4. Tina/Wing
5. Kate (but he must smell her rose first)
6. Nicole (who will not age well)
7. FG. NOOOOOOO.

Erin and Amanda are shocked at getting the axe.

Stay tuned for next week, when it is all about the drama at Lake Tahoe.

A-Team Part 2: Operation Soul Mate

Similar to this viewer's theory that closeted gay people hide at Christian camps, Episode 2 confirms our belief that people with advanced degrees have no social skills. As the first theory does not have apparent relevance (yet), we focus on the later. Forest, you see, has "a huge heart." He has "so much to give" (excluding body fat, which he has apparently donated). Which is why, my dears, he embarks on "Operation Soul Mate." And admits this to the viewing public.

Episode 2 begins with the first group date on the Sooooooouuuuuuuuuuul Train. Okay, more like a big party bus with Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, Bevin, Tessa, Amanda, and Stephanie from KS. As the Bachelor is being filmed in Hollywood (who knew?) this season, he takes this gaggle to a bar with bull-riding. In the words of that horrible song: come on ride this train, choo choo ride it (I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can).

But Nicole doesn't think she can and is "afraid for her life." Tessa fakes an injury because she thinks it would be "funny." Andy likes it when the bull shakes whichever girl is riding because it "turns him on." Again, social skills, Forest. Self-edit. We are momentarily distracted by somebody's drink that has dry ice in it. But then Stephanie from KS brings us back by successfully riding said bull. She was a gymnist, after all. However, we unanimously cannot forgive her for her sequined spandex belt. We don't care if sequined belts are popular, as they are heinous.

The Formal Wear component of our evening follows this Talent. Forest leads the ladies into a room filled with dresses and promises a "glorious, elegant evening." He really "digs a chick who can be sporty but also look ravishing." Whatever, universal man. We keep trying to like Tessa because she reminds us of the older sister of our very first True Love, except she keeps doing weird shit. Like pick this dress that has naked lace on top. You know the kind that is like black lace with faux skin behind it, finished off with a giant bell of a skirt. We hate this dress. Even WORSE, Forest tries to salsa with Nicole. We are blinded by memories of a mormon missionary we met at salsa night who was back from latin america and thinking he was bad ass, blurring together with a skeezity host brother on our own cross-cultural experience saying "all right...okay..." while staring letcherously at this viewer's salsa-ing lady parts.

But I digress. After a little discussion about attorney Alexis' homeschooling and conservative moral values (yeah, she's done for), the evening concludes with the Swimsuit Competition. As all are frolicking in the hot tub, somebody asks Forest if he's ever had 8 girls on his arms before and he says no, which is still true because there were SEVEN chickies on the freaking date. Andy ends up getting all pressity up against Bevin in the pool, but it's one of the Tiffanys that wins the overall competition and progresses on to Sudden Death: one on one time with Forest. In this interview, Forest asks challenging and heart-felt questions designed to discover the very essence of Tiffany:
a. "ever dated a doctor before?"
b. "was he any good?"
c. "ever dated somebody in the military?"
d. "anyone ever told you that you have the cutest dimples?"

And so this date ends.

Group Date #2 is with Kate, Susan, Erin, Amber, Tina, Danielle, and Pay.Ton. As the ladies pull gym clothes out of a bag, they conclude that their date will be athletic. Erin hopes that they get to see Forest with his shirt off.

When the women trot out in tube socks pulled up to their knees, bikinis, and shorty gym shorts, we remember the very last time we wore our 8th grade gym shorts in public: "Ooooeeeee, ain't you jist the purtiest thang walkin!!!!" We are mortified for ourselves and for the women, who are deemed "adorable" in this get-up by Forest. Surprise surprise, the women are going to do a triathlon, since, we all know, Andy has been a six time iron man finisher,...but first let's drink mimosas.

Tina the medical student worries about her athletic ability, so she asks Forest to come "look at the pier" to show him who she really is before the games begin. Possibly the worst pick up line ever. Blonde and Blonderer (Susan and Erin) hold hands and plan how to interrupt this little tete-a-tete: "you just go up and say 'hi' and then we'll stand there." We learn that Susan jogs a little with her dog three times a week. Erin is not so much into the fitness, but is wearing a nifty sweatband on her wrist, so she's ready to go. Neither likes to get their hair wet, so they decide to walk in the pool for the five laps they have to swim, holding hands and touching the wall at each lap. They decide that Andy probably thought that was "pretty cute" of them. We throw up a little into our mouths.

Amber wins the triathlon and gets one on one time with Andy. She says she loves to cook, which he thinks is great because he just loves doing dishes. bull*cough*shit.

Last but not least, Stephanie goes yachting with Forest for her individual date, awarded because she got the first impression rose last week. This is our thing about Stephanie: her thighs go inward at the top. While we are well aware of societal expectations for female beauty, we simply canNOT believe that Forest could find a balloon animal giraffe an attractive mate. We also are completely freaked out by Stephanie's Heidi-Fleissness.

Stephanie embraces her inner Fleiss as she tries on dresses that threaten to release her lady secrets into the cool night air at any moment. She settles on the more tame of her options, but still grates us because she is "95% sure" she is coming home with a rose and revels in the "tons of jealousy" caused by her acquisition of the first rose last week. We then decide that she and Dr. A are meant for each other, as he boasts about "his" yacht and uses improper grammer-"All I care about tonight is me and you." He also is worried that the other women would "mark her" because of her earlier rose. She gives her best Fran Drescher nanny laugh and says that "there's not a lot thrown that hasn't been thrown before at me-hee hee hee." Our head starts to hurt. In the end, they decide to have a small wedding. "What do you think, Pepe?" Forest asks the boat captain. Of course. Pepe.

At the rose ceremony we discover that everybody got the memo to wear a silk jewel toned dress. Apparently a few forgot to wear a top, however. Bevin has improvised with horizontal bra straps across the chest. But more importantly, Tina the med student got a "premonition" she's going home tonight, which of course she tells Andy, thereby securing her spot through the guerilla tactics employed by Stephanie last week. Pay.Ton feels like she has to defend her job in the sororities, and wants family, to inspire others, etc. Alexis admits she's been engaged before. Erin and Susan hold hands AGAIN, wearing matching red dresses, and Susan admits that she came in last in the triathlon. Tessa and Andy share matching foot massages (see weird shit, supra). We have to watch Nicole and Andy salsa once again. And this viewer concludes that if she hears one more joke about doctors along the lines of "save me/help me/I need medical assistance," she is going to freak. Absolutely freak.

And then Andy picks:
1. Stephanie a/k/a Fleiss Jr. (who got a rose already on her date)
2. Tessa
3. topless Bevin
4. Amber
5. Stephanie from KS the gymnist
6. Katie the worm girl from last week
7. Nicole of the salsa
8. Tina/Wing
9. Pey.Ton. Who responds "Aye wee-ill accept this rose."
10. Amanda
11. Erin, formerly known as Blonderer.

Unsurprisingly, Alexis the homeschooled lawyer gets the boot but feels that it will work out in God's Plan, Tiffany doesn't understand why she didn't get picked after surviving Sudden Death, and we fade out as the women try to figure out (before the ceremony), how many of the 15 will be kicked off to total 12 remaining.

Stay tuned for next week. We hear mud wrestling, a car race, and an ambulance are involved.

Peace.

A-Team Part 1: Run Forest, Run

This new Bachelor freaks us out. All of us. Andy Baldwin is a Navy Doctor. He is an Iron Man. He is a Philanthropist. He has the teeth of Jim Carey and the life of that Leo guy on Will & Grace, which he approaches with the earnestness of Forest Gump. We are sure that his mother once told him that his life is like a box of chocolates. We also canNOT forgive his hair for doing that weird slickitiy-over-to-the-side thing like a plastic Ken doll when wet, but being all Poufity like the contemporary Billy Ray Cyrus whom we secretly love on Dancing With the Stars when dry. We also cannot forgive the Batmobile he insists on driving.

And this is our other issue: the man has no body fat. While we are fans of the muscles, we are completely freaked by his apparent escape from that Body Mechanics display (you know, with all the skin ripped off). We also realize that we are out of his league, even if we are feeling healthy because the wine and grapes we are consuming counts as two of our five fruits/vegetables for the day.

And also (and this is the last one, promise): why has ABC selected a medley of "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong" played by horns in a studio band and not the Blood, the Sweat, and the Tears OR Chicago...followed by the STAR WARS THEME to introduce Dr. Baldwin and his A-Team? These are mysteries which we have no space to explore. Particularly because we just saw a preview for what comes next and it involves "the worm."

In any event, Chris Harrison says to Forest, "Should you choose to accept this mission (ok not really but that is what we hear in our heads), you will have one 'true first impression rose' which you must give out to the 'girl' that wows you out of the limo." So who does he give it to? Stephanie the Organ Donor Coordinator, who is like the only chick to ask him about the rose. We now see that he is not a bachelor to say, "Well, this is for someone who 'wows' me out of the limo....and you ain't it." Even though he SHOULD because she clearly sewed her dress together from all of the peasant shirts in my collective high school wardrobe.

The other 22-26-aged women that cross into Bachelor territory simply make us realize that we have passed an important milestone: we are no longer of the age that romances are written. We also realize that we somehow missed the memo to name ourselves after a perfume or color from the J. Crew magazine, as a gaggle of Tiffanys, Peyton, Blakeney, Bevin, Tessa, and an Alexis all exit the limo. We comfort ourselves in knowing that our name will not land us in the Society Pages of Town & Country magazine, and that we are better preserved than at least Blakeney, even if she has a goddessy dress on.

We have, of course, the round of obligatory, completely terrifying attorneys. Linda is an army person and work-out buff that challenges Andy to push-up contest and says he is "just like her, in male form." She also has taken "not until you see the whites of their eyes" a little too seriously, as we can see the ENTIRE whites of hers, even at the top, when we are not staring at her three rows of teeth. Danielle, however, says, "ooo, you look a lot better in person than on the internet." So clearly, she will get the axe. In the end, the only reasonably decent attorney is Alexis, who has huge earrings and sleepy eyes. Sigh. We must root for her for the sake of the profession.

The remaining women are, you know, completely what we would meet in normal life. For example, Peyton is a Sorority Recruiter. And Catherine is Miss Illinois. Everyone else is pretty much Southern or blonde: Nicole (sales manager); Amanda (financial analyst); Amber (teacher); Jackie (no idea); Stephanie (all kinds of nasaly); Susan and Kate (boutique owners); Tina (a med student that reads a fortune to him), Danielle (graphic designer who ripped off Miss Piggy's purple dress), and so on and so on. As we meet them, we become increasingly more irritated by Forest, who is all, "Ooo, you have the most beautiful blonde hair and beautiful eyes" and "you are just the sweetest." "Just like a little doll" we add. I mean, WTF.

But we have to stop the press at Tessa, who is flashing all kinds of naked through the slits in her dress. She also tells a joke about talking muffins. And later talks about her mother falling in love while hiking the Incan Trail. While we secretly wish we too could fall in love while hiking the Incan trail, we are pretty sure that we would die in the wilderness and be eaten by dogs first.

And then, crisis strikes. Tessa/Wing Sings the National Anthem (www.wingmusic.co.nz). I don't even know what to say beyond that, except that it brings TEARS TO FOREST'S EYES and mine for other reasons. Just...no. Hell, no.

Wing has apparently opened the floodgate. Some woman talks about her college boyfriend dying as a conversation starter. Lindsay the student gets drunk, talks about Stephanie the "heinous girl" that got the first impression rose, and goes after Blakeney. Blakeney gets even more drunk and falls off her bar stool. Kate does the "worm," BACKWARDS on the floor in 3 inch stilettos and a 1980s short prom dress barely covering her Fancy and all parts associated therewith. Somebody else does a back handspring. In a dress. The women discover that it is Dr. B's 30th birthday (and oh my gosh, it is Peyton's 24th! How crazy is that?!?!) and two of them decide to bake him a cake. With alcohol instead of eggs.

In the end (and because this is already long enough), Forest picks:
1. Pey. Ton. (well that's how he says it)
2. Bevin
3. Kate of the worm
4. Alexis
5. Danielle of the miss piggy dress
6. Amber
7. Tiffany from MA
8. Tessa
9. Nicole, one of the drunken cakers
10. Susan
11. Amanda
12. Erin
13. Wing
14. and Stephanie, the only attorney to survive elimination.

Lindsay, of course, flees the rose ceremony, crying and insisting that she does not care whether she made the A-team or not.

Stay tuned for this season, in which Forest is asked, "are you a medic?" And he says, "no, I am a doctor." We believe an ambulance is involved.

KLo