Other Becca Part 9: It's a Thai.

Babies, we are in Thailand.  Well, WE are not, but our friend KZi is currently living in Thailand in The Reals, and for a moment we hold a candle up in honor of her mad moped skillz and encouragement to visit places crazy unto This American.   We hate Other Becca, who interrupts our reverie with the comment:  “There is so much culture here.”  REALLY? 

Off we go to the Shangri-La hotel, where Other Becca drives up in a fancy golf cart and announces that she is “in love with” two men and “falling in love with” another.  This cannot be true.   Also, she is “really happy where she is with Garrett” and Jason is “wild and crazy” but with The Cowboy she feels “100% myself with him.  So basically, Jason is toast.  We don black.

Date #1 soon comes, with the Cowboy.  Other Becca does the monkey clip hug situation that continuously makes This Author worry she may Injure Her Husband upon Any Attempt. Lo, they will take the Monk’s Trail Hike, in which they can neither touch nor kiss.  

Ok, this is the part of the romance where our Heroine loses a contact and Our Hero leaps across the desk to deliver said contact unto our Heroine, or where someone Accidentally Overdoses on Laudanum, or also, where Our Heroine discovers that she is inadvertently married to the brother of her love, or alternatively, that her husband ran off with the Amish Wife of her current love interest (also Amish).  

Hypothetically, these may be books we have read.   But to the point:  We are entering the last 30 pages of the Romance Novel, babies.

The Cowboy and Other Becca pray with some monks about honesty, adaptation, patience, and giving. 
The Cowboy:  “Wow, he was so wise.  Like a REAL MONK.” 

Omg.

At dinner, we feel kindred with Other Becca because she reveals that she loves a thunderstorm.  Gentle Readers, It May Not Be Understated how much This Author loves a thunderstorm, and also, the Violent Rains.  

Less interestingly, The Cowboy is repetitively varying on the following theme:  “The Others Don’t Love Her Like I Do.  What if She Loves Them Though.” Repeat 10 x throughout this date.  We grow tired. 

We also continue to be confused by the references to The Cowboy’s past relationship, which Broke Him.  We seriously do not recall him saying anything about this until last week, and also, do not know why it is so important that we care about this now.  We realize that this makes us a bad person but we have had wines and also, cat pictures from SKhu and so it really cannot be helped.

We have more wines.

In the end, there is a great deal of kissing, Other Becca invites the Cowboy to the fantasy suite, she wakes up in full makeup complete with extensive false eyelashes, she dons denim shorts and shirt, and End Scene.

Next up: A Date with Jason.  If we were 28 years old, we would steal Jason’s pomade and also, pick him.  But more importantly, WHAT WHAT WHAT is Other Becca wearing.  There are ruffles.  And Weirdness.  And espadrilles.

Jason and Other Becca go to the market together, where they eat crickets and acquire a beach sarong to cover her lacey nakedness. “Hmmm.  Smokey.  Full bodied.”  Jason says about the crickets (not the sarong) and we love him more.

But then a crisis hits:  Other Becca makes a joke about their future life together and then suddenly freaks out because she cannot see them together.   WHAT.  Other Becca abandons Jason for A 

Lengthy Period as she tries to calm herself with a producer and repeats “I don’t know what to do”approximately 100 times.  This is, of course, code for Knowing Exactly What She Is Going To Do and Not Liking It.

We suddenly hate Other Becca, who “cannot shake the feeling” at dinner that ‘something is wrong.”  Meanwhile, Jason is super happy, focusing on the bigger picture, which includes Other Becca as a “best friend, a partner, a wife, a mother.”  He says  “that’s more than a rose – it’s a lifetime commitment.”  And we believe him.

And then, she dumps him.  Babies, she DUMPS HIM after excusing herself, claiming she cannot breathe, and then telling him that she does not “know what my problem is but I can’t put you through an overnight if it is not 100% there.”

We leap across the table, over wine glasses and also, Various Chocolates to tell Jason that he will be ok.  Meanwhile, Jason carefully is picking himself through the land mine of comments he wishes he could say to finally settle on stating that he would be “remiss” is he did not inquire as to whether she was confident in this decision.  She says she is NOT confident, to which he asks why she would not then take the additional time available to them to explore further, when there is “so much time to be had.”   She gives no answer, instead walking him out. 

Babies.  He says he appreciates her honesty, and that he will always be rooting for her happiness.

Team. Jason. FOREVER.

We hate Other Becca, who uselessly proclaims that she does not want Jason to “leave confused” after giving him no response to his questions whatsoever.   As Jason drives off in the limo stunned, we rage against Other Becca and her crying into pillows and her false eyelashes and denim shorts and attraction to half-wits with the bodies of nubile baseball players.

“What’s wrong with me??” Other Becca wails.  See supra, Other Becca.  SEE SUPRA.

Now it is the next morning and Other Becca has allegedly fallen asleep on the sofa.  Once again in full makeup.  We are supposed to be assured by her resolve that she “sees more” with Garrett and the Cowboy.

Finally, it is date #3 with Garrett.   We are treated to another monkey clip hug and kiss, followed by rafting through the jungle during a Thai national holiday.

There are A LOT of people.

There are rafts hitting each other, elephants in the river, women on cell phones, and people splashing.  Basically, this scene is the soundtrack of experience playing in the background of this Author’s life every time she attempts to buy pants for herself.  “Elephants in the River. That’s a NO today,” we whisper.

We are not sure what Other Becca talks about with Garrett because Cat Pictures but the main thing is that Other Becca feels “right’ with this relationship. She feels so right that she elects to wear hot pants and Belgian lace to dinner:

Wait.  The lace has LAPELS.

WTF.  

Garrett and Other Becca later have dinner amongst the pillows on an “oasis” in the lawn of a hotel.  

We find it difficult to put into words how much we hate Other Becca’s dress and also, this conversation, which generally consists of concurring that they had a “fun” day. 

“Going down the river was like navigating a relationship,” says Other Becca and we hate her.  Also, if that means elephants and Thai women on cell phones, we grow worried for Other Becca.  But Garrett gets serious, detailing each of the (very few) moments of significance in their relationship and confessing his prior fear of becoming engaged again.    In addition, as Other Becca expresses her fears about a lack of concrete answers, Garrett explains that he can take his career anywhere, and also that he LOVES HER and also, that he does not want to say that to anyone else again.  Ever.

We know that our heart should flutter but he is just so stupid.  Other Becca, however, is smitten:  “He doesn’t know it yet, but I feel the same way.”

But then this date takes a turn. Ok, really only for this viewer for lo, Garrett and Other Becca get to go to a TREE HOUSE for the overnight portion of this date.  This Author, who passionately loves Swiss Family Robinson with every fiber of her being, would ditch the date and hang out in the tree house ad infinitum.

But Other Becca wants Garrett, who is her “heart’s equal.”  Which is why she has decided to wear false eyelashes to bed yet again.

In the morning, Garrett and Other Becca eat breakfast on a rainy porch before she blows kisses as she walks away and Garrett declares he has not been this happy in his “entire life.”

Meh.

Because ABC needs some filler, Jason comes back on the scene.  YEEEESSS we love Jason (All of Us).  Other Becca has returned to her hotel room, where Jason appears to give a proper goodbye because things were so truncated previously.  He tries to compose himself, but starts to cry as he tells her that he loves her and  cares for her happiness, and that he was taken by surprise that he would be able to feel such feelings on this “unconventional journey.”

Other Becca declares that Jason is one of the best guys she has ever met, and that the world needs more Jasons.  YES IT DOES.  Though he should not be the next bachelor because we love him too much to wish that fate upon him.

After giving Other Becca a scrap book of their time together, Jason exits stage left and we all cry.  He tells us that this is never easy, but that he feels like he did the best he could.  OH!

At last, it is the end. Other Becca motorboats up to the Scene of the Rose Ceremony, which is beyond ridiculous.  After a bunch more filler conversation with Chris Harrison, Other Becca stands up and we realize she is wearing a Christmas Napkin:

She gives the roses to Garrett and the Cowboy, each of which are sucking in their teeth at the evident relationship of Other Becca with the other dude.  The Cowboy, for good measure, throws in a few more “She can’t have with Garrett what she has with me.”  Other Becca announces that we are next going to the Maldives, and it is all over as quickly as it began.

Stay tuned for next week, which is the Second Most Hated Episode, also called the Men Tell All.

Bisous.

KLo

Other Becca Part 8: But To Me, It Isn't Ooooover

We missed the beginning of Other Becca Part 8 but it really does not matter because it is the date with Garrett in his hometown and brain cells and soup and meh. 

Once this Tiny Author took a boy home to meet her parents.  He was a ballet dancer that wore a key chain with 1,000 keys on his butt pocket.  Our Elder Sister was horrified.  We were more horrified by the cologne drenched mementos which subsequently arrived to our college dorm and which we would gently unpack to a steady stream of awkward commentary from our roommate who would inevitably be shaving her legs with an electric razor on her little twin bed.

But we digress.

Let’s talk about Garrett’s family.  Other Becca is worried that they will be unwelcoming.  We feel this is fair considering that she is wearing a formal shorts romper.  However, they (the family, not the shorts) are quite nice. 

We meet a brother, a sister, various assembled spouses of same, and parents.  Garrett’s sister immediately takes Garrett away for a chat and begins to cry as she confesses that his last serious relationship (marriage) was so hard that she watched it change his personality and suck the life out of him.   Dad says the same thing to Other Becca during their 1:1:  “I watched that boy who has been so positive his entire life be beaten down.”   Babies, This Is A Real Thing and we feel bad for all involved.

The dad requests that Other Becca cut Garett loose if he’s not the one.  His mom later says that it is gut wrenching when you cannot protect your child, and she could not protect him when he was going through his divorce.   To Garrett, mom wants to know if he is going to be able to bounce back if this does not work out, and he says yes because he is putting everything Out There.  So if it does not happen, then it was not meant to be.  Hm.

We like Garrett’s family.  We are less enthused about Garrett, who kisses Other Becca on a random stoop and meh.

Next up:  Buffalo NY with Jason.  YAY TEAM JASON YAY.

Another time, this Author brought a hockey player home to meet the family.  For years thereafter, this Author’s parents would pay him to mow the lawn when they were out of town Instead Of This Tiny Author, who Was Not Trusted With Giant Lawn Implements.

In any event, Jason takes Other Becca to a Buffalo Wings Bar and this is how we know both of them are definitely under 30 years old.  Because buffalo chicken wings = flames, regret, and eye watering closed car window apologies over age 30. 

We nod our head wisely as Other Becca and Jason engage in a wing eating competition with five more people who are WAY more serious about this wing eating thing than they are.

After the wingsplosion, Jason takes Other Becca to a hockey rink.  In which we learn that Jason grew up playing hockey.  WHAT?  Be still Our Hearts (All of Us).  Jason shows off his hockey moves, we swoon a little, and he kisses other Becca in a Not Gross Way.  Jason also tells Other Becca about his family, including a brother who met his husband when both were working at Apple in NYC and basically have this fantastic relationship that Jason really looks up to. 

Now we know that Jason is both too good for, and ALSO too progressive for, this show.  He is also concerned because he has not been vocal enough about his Feelings of Emotion and Other Items for Other Becca. Uh oh. 

Off we go to meet the parents and bro plus husband.  We love this family.  Basically the theme of the evening is that Jason is reserved and guards himself closely for Unknown Reasons.  But his family observes him to be super happy, and mom says that he is a committed person and will make commitment for life.  Brother warns Jason, however, that he is ‘running out of runway’ to tell Other Becca how he feels. 

And so he does.  And it is so sweet.  And also, we are conflicted because we both want Other Becca to Pick Jason and also want Jason to be Cut Free to find his sweet nerdy love-is-love soul mate elsewhere.  We hope she can convince him to stop slicking back his curls.

Enter Hometown Date #3 with the Cowboy, in Colorado.

One time this Author brought An Older Man home to meet the parents.  Not intentionally.  It just sort of happened.  He was sneaky like that.  We also brought A Younger Man home once who called us Matlock. 

Other Becca reveals to Us All (via the Camera) that she “reciprocates” his feelings of love but has not yet told him.  We wonder if she should maybe hold off on that further because the Cowboy decides that the best way to tell her about himself is to take her back to high school.  Which was “huge” for him.

That’s right, babies.  The Scene Of All Your Awkward Moments was the Best Time of the Cowboy’s Life.

And he still visits regularly.

Including this visit, in which The Cowboy has lined up various random coaches and teachers to pop out of trophy walls, study halls, and curio cabinets to shake hands.  We cannot believe the Cowboy is That Guy Who Still Wishes He Was in High School but somehow it also all makes sense now.

So The Cowboy takes Other Becca to the library, where he then reveals that his school dealt with a school shooting his senior year of high school, in which one student lost her life.  Gentle Readers, we are now at the age where we are enough years post-Columbine and school shootings are so normalized that a contestant on the Bachelor is describing this.  Let’s just sit with that a minute.

But before our rage simmereth over, the Cowboy whisks All of Us away to the auditorium, where Other Becca’s favorite singer, Betty Who, is playing.  We are both intrigued that Betty Who is her favorite, and also impressed that The Cowboy allegedly coordinated all of this on his own.

At last, we meet the family.  The theme through this entire visit is that the Cowboy suffered some massive heart break recently, and everyone worries it will happen again.  We must have been asleep at the wheel because we have zero recollection of this.

While we scratch our heads, OB says she can see The Cowboy in her life forever, he tells her he loves her, they kiss, music inspired by the romanticized version of mountain climbing plays.

For the last date, we bounce elsewhere in Colorado for Colton’s hometown date.  Other Becca tells us all that once she got “past’ the fact that he was dating her friend Tia, they “worked through it” and bonded. 

What?

This date is just so. . .  Meh.  We don't even have a lifetime story to tell in commiseration. 

Colton takes Other Becca shopping and then to the children’s hospital where it is very clear that the parents of only one of the two children present has given their permission to show their child’s face.  So we see a lot of Kailey and a lot of Kaleb’s back. 

Meanwhile, Colton declares that Other Becca “has a natural motherly feel,” that can’t be “learned.”  

We hate him.  We would also like to report that we have a natural motherly feel and it is mainly because we like wine and chocolate.  A lot.

While This Author is thinking about chocolate, Colton reveals that he has not brought a “girl” home in a “formal setting ever.”  We deduct 10 points for calling OB a girl.

We are bored with this date, so the salient points are that he has decided to introduce Other Becca to 18 family members, including siblings and cousins.  The dad points out that Other Becca knows a lot about Colton but that Colton does not know a lot about Other Becca (specifically, her break up with Ari), and requests that she cut him loose if she is not serious.  Colton tells mom that he loves Other Becca.  He also tells Other Becca.  She feels “so special.” They kiss.

End scene.

Attempting to spice things up, ABC brings the Greek Chorus back for an encore:  Young B, Kendall, Sienne, Tia, and Hairy Eyeball Lady (Carolyn?) from Season Ari.  They circle the wagons around a liter of mimosas as Other Becca breathlessly recounts her dates and reveals that Jason is the Best Kisser Ever. 

Of course he is.   Because TEAM JASON.

But all of this is really just an excuse for Tia to ask Other Becca for a private conversation, where Tia Takes Back everything that she said about being “cool” about Other Becca being with Colton.  Really Tia, REALLY?

Other Becca: ‘Well shit, I wish I would have known that.”

We are not impressed with Tia for this particular stunt.  However, we also suspect that it has sealed Colton’s fate.  Let’s see if we are right . . .

In the final minutes, the rose ceremony takes place.  Other Becca is wearing a dress precariously secured by a sequined choker.  Meanwhile,  the Cowboy looks like he just took This Author’s ticket at the movie theater:

 In any event, Colton is the last to arrive and anxiously asks Chris Harrison about what happens in the fantasy suite as he comes up the stairs.  Really.  Chris Harrison is like “Well, you don’t have to be intimate in there.  It’s how you choose to handle it.  As consenting adults.”

Finally, Other Becca comes out and begins to speak: 

Other Becca:  “This. Is. Gutwrench. Andithasbeen.  Weighing. Onme. All. Day.”
This Author’s Husband (unplugging an ear muff for one second): “Is she speaking English?”

And she picks:

1.  The Cowboy.

2. Jason.  AAAAAAND.

3.  Garrett.

Colton GETS. THE. AXE.  He is stunned.  She feels like crap.  He feels like crap.  Everyone feels like crap, but not so much that she can’t come back and announce to the remaining survivors that they are going to Thailand next week.

Stay tuned.  We hear that everybody tells Other Becca that they love her, and she “does to [some guy] what Arie did to her.”  Oooo.

KLo

Other Becca Part 7: WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

Here we are in the Bahamas for Other Becca Part 7, trying to care about the remaining men and wondering why she is wearing five inch tall Mary K pink lady heels with her skirt and black standard issue leotard top.   ABC gifts unto us a fireside chat with Chris Harrison, in which both express amazement that Other Becca has not yet visited the Bahamas with all the dollars she has earned and all the free time she has enjoyed during her first 27 years of life, the last full year of which she has spent on Bachelor franchise shows.  

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Wills is wearing a leopard print onesie.  As we gasp, Other Becca shows up in an equally confusing formal romper to announce to the men that this week will involve 3 one on one dates and a group date. 

First date is for Colton.   Babies, this Author Gives Neither Two Shits nor the Fart They Rode In On about Colton.   Though ABC does get a gold star for trying to make us care that (spoiler alert) He Is A Virgin.

We do not understand why Other Becca thinks Colton is a “bronze god.”  We equally do not understand her attraction to him or why either of them have an interest in doing “king of the world” poses from Titanic on the tip of a catamaran.  We are only slightly more interested in Other Becca’s orange swimsuit.

Back in the Ballet Days, it was A Thing to cut the legs and crotch out of tights in order to use the remaining elastic husk as a sports bra under one’s leotard. This was before gay men everywhere learned that one could still wear this footless, crotchless contraption as assless chaps and also, before the manufacturer of Other Becca’s swimsuit learned that she could sell the same thing as outer wear for $300.

We are so confused by this swimsuit, we can neither draw it nor take a photo.   Use your imagination, babies.

In any event, as Colton attempts to take the awkward plunge into his sexual history on national television (“I do not have the most experience when it comes to dating . .. ),  a man sputters up to them in a boat to announce that they are going to dive for “conch” and then eat its penis.

THIS. IS. NOT. HAPPENING.

Other Becca:  “I hope Colton dives deep for that conch.”  
Other Becca Again:  “There is SO MUCH CONCH.”

This Author:  [*drawinghoodieclosed*]

Once we all recover from witnessing Other Becca and Colton eat (literally) Fish Bits without vomiting, we all go to dinner.    

The big story here is, once again, Colton revealing his virginity during a conversation in which he both describes retaining his virginity as a “personal choice,” and also claims to be a victim of his life circumstances, in which he has chosen to focus on football instead of relationships.  The most interesting part of this entire dinner is watching Other Becca’s face as she mentally clicks through all of the questions she wants to ask -- but decides not to ask -- while the camera is rolling.  

Other Becca dramatically excuses herself from the dinner table, likely because a producer beckoned her to stand up so that they could film a moment where she stands awkwardly on a balcony looking at her feet.  Then she comes back to the table and gives Colton the rose.

Meh.  Colton.  MEH.

They kiss by a fountain.

The next date card is for Garrett. “Love is in the Air.”  This causes The Cowboy to burst into tears because Other Becca “HAS to know this is KILLING me.”  We like the Cowboy fine, but homeslice is starting to crack.

Once again, this Author is not excited because we fear Garrett is just dumb as soup.  This is only confirmed when he says their relationship is “taking off” as they fly away in a sea plane. 

 So Garrett and Other Becca fly to a private island, where they write their names in the sand, kiss in a swing, pee in the ocean, and where Garrett confides that it’s really nice to be on a 1:1 date because there isn’t always some guy tapping him on the shoulder for more time.  Other Becca becomes worried that Garrett has Inner Depths because he always “puts on such a positive, brave face,” and Garrett explains that he can count on 2 fingers the number of times he’s really been down in the dumps.

Suddenly, we are dinner, and Other Becca has made her dress out of a toilet paper roll.

Garrett explains the various family members that Other Becca will meet if she comes home with him next week, and he reveals that he has not dated seriously since his divorce because if anything reminds him of his past unhealthy relationship, he instantly cuts it off.  He says his ex-wife was “super hot headed” and would scream and yell, and he would just try to make it work.  Other Becca become somewhat concerned that Garrett would try to adapt himself to her.  

Then she gives him the rose and they disrobe and run into the ocean in their swimsuits.

We wish we were making this up.

Next up:  the last 1:1 date, with The Cowboy.  “You make my heart skip a beat,” says the card.  The Cowboy is super excited, but Wills, Kenny G, and Jason feel sick because it means that the three of them are going on the group date, where only one rose can be given out.

This date is basically one big kiss.  And it is not gross.  Except for the part when someone starts singing “WHO LETS THE DOGS OUT!”  and Other Becca carefully recites:  “I thought we would take a walk down the beach and go to a party where the band Baha Men is playing their new hit song, called Bumpa!”

Baha men:  “Shake your Bumpa.”
Other Becca:  [shaking all of the bumpas]
The Cowboy:  [twirling Other Becca like Rhythm-Is-A-Suggestion-Man from This Author’s Recent Ballroom Experience].

 Other Becca is glowing “from the inside out” and it is really true.  Also, there is A LOT of kissing. And still more kissing, and discussions about feeling “lucky” AND ALSO a revelation from Other Becca to the camera that she feels the “strongest for” the Cowboy.  Ooooo.

Meanwhile, what is happening here?

Lo, for the group date card has come for Wills, Jason, and Kenny G.  “These days are never easy,” it says.

Before we can digest this news or Kenny G, we dive back into Other Becca’s date with the Cowboy.  The two are now eating dinner, and he is revealing that this was the hardest week for him.  Other Becca says that she feels like the Cowboy “hanging in there says a lot about who he is.”  And this happens:

 Her: ‘I didn’t know you could move like that!  You keep surprising me!”
Him:  “I love surprising you!”

But then at dinner, we soften towards the Cowboy.  He reveals that his parents split up when his mom fell in love with one of his coaches and teachers while still married to the Cowboy’s dad.  This is legitimately a very rough thing, made only more so by the fact that he grew up in a small town and would frequently learn news about these circumstances from others who were not his parents because his family was terrible with communication.  So, from that experience he has learned that he does NOT want to have a family dynamic where people do not communicate when he gets married.  We believe him.   

Other Becca is sweet with the Cowboy.  The Cowboy tells her he loves her. There is a LOT MORE KISSING. Delicate piano music plays.  And, as Other Becca gives the Cowboy the rose, she tells the camera that she “just kind of knows” with him.

We are still holding out for the Dark Horse, Jason, but suspect The Cowboy will  be there in the end.

Finally, the group date is upon us. 

Again, what is happening?  

Also featured: The salmon shorts of rage:

So Jason, Wills, and Kenny G meet Other Becca on the beach, where they play volleyball and Other Becca describes each man to the camera.  Kenny G has untold depths.  Wills is “goofy and nerdy” like her.  And Jason is “positive.”

YEAH he is.  We love Jason, who is in the mid set of rejecting the dread of this date in favor of focusing on the prospect of bringing Other Becca home to meet his family.

ABC sends us through Rapid Fire 1:1s during this date.  First Wills is describing his parents, who have been married almost 50 years.  Then, Jason says he is sees happiness and laughter with Other Becca, and that he feels like that is special and he wants to keep it going.  TEAM JASON.

Kenny G, however, tries a different tack:  “The other men can offer her a nice lifestyle, but I can offer her LOVE.”  

Dear Kenny G, this is how Women hear what you just said: “You will have a hut that does not leak with those other men, but I will give you a beautiful fern frond and feed our babies on starlight.”

Needless to say, when Kenny G says that he needs more time with her to see where the relationship may go, he gets the axe.  “It would only be fair to you to not go back to your family.” 

She’s picking the water tight hut, Babies.

After revealing The Dumpage to the other men, Other Becca pulls a Melania and ensures that her coat forms a fortress against any handholding at dinner with the remaining two survivors.  But once again in 1:1 time, Jason knocks it out of the park by taking the pressure off her.  He says that going into their PRIOR date, he was praying for clarity as to whether he would want to take Other Becca home to meet his parents, and now he has that clarity and is just excited to articulate to his parents about what makes her special and them, as a couple, special.

Except we get nervous, because Jason is not telling Other Becca that he loves her yet explicitly, even though he is showing her in all the ways that count.  And yet this freaks Other Becca out, and she cautions him to be more vocal. 

While we worry about Jason, Other Becca is busy listening to Wills pour his heart out about loving her, and then dumping him (after an interlude).   Poor, poor Wills, who sits stunned with his head down and then has to endure Other Becca telling him that she “wasn’t there’ with him.   He staggers to the limo, drives for 2 minutes, and then asks to get out so he can cry off camera.  We are heart broken for Wills.

Jason, A Grown Man, Does Not Celebrate getting the rose but instead welcomes Other Becca back with a hug and a question to make sure she is okay.  Meanwhile, This Author, Who is Slightly Less Grown, Celebrates.

Stay tuned for next week, when we meet all of the families.  And also, Tia and Young Becca return.

-KLo 

Other Becca Part 6: The End of DC Mike

Dear babies, we have reached the part of the Bachelorette where even ABC has stopped pretending this season is not a dead bore.  Other Becca tries to save it by giving an advertisement for the tourism bureau:  “Richmond Virginia is a complete opposite vibe from Vegas!  Fresh clean air!  Calm, chill!  I love historical towns, the mixing of the old and new!”  Seriously?  Also, “I still have some wild cards *cough*unstableandcrazymen*cough* in the group!”

And then it gets worse:

Other Becca:  “I am starting to feel the feelings of love again.”
Chris Harrison:  “Like, you are really thinking about love!?!?”
Other Becca:  “I am totally looking at wedding magazines and thinking about babies!”

Meanwhile, back at Man Camp:

Kenny G: “Just like Virginia birthed the nation, I hope that this city births a lasting relationship with Becca.”
This Author:  HAHAHHA
DC Mike; “This is redemption week for me and Becca.  I’m hoping to get a 1:1 OR a 2:1 date.”
Kenny G: “Dude, you would rather have a 2:1 than a group date??”
Lincoln:  “But you should just be trying to make the best of your time, regardless of how it comes.”
DC Mike:  “Yeah, but I am saying I WANT a 1:1 or a 2:1.”
Lincoln:  “Something something whine whine DC Mike lost 100 pounds something whine.”
DC Mike:  “You just body shamed me! Something something whine whine.”
Garrett:  “This is like Dumb and Dumber, but I don’t know which is which.”

Meanwhile, Wills, for ALL OF US, is like:

Thank god the date card comes and it is for Jason:  “Life is full of surprises.”  Jason just gets up and leaves.  We love him. TEAM JASON.

But the Jason date is odd because of the way ABC films it, almost as if they want to cut all of the good bits out and THIS MAKES US CURIOUS.  Instead, we are treated to the part of the date where Other Becca takes Jason on a trolley ride around Richmond and lectures:  “This is where Henry gave his give me liberty or give me death speech.”  Also: “Here is where Edgar Allen Poe’s mother is buried.”

We know that they next go to make donuts together, but see exactly 2 seconds of that, followed by a visit to the Poe Museum, where they stumble into and cannot avoid an awkward “Unhappy Hour,” for people who “tend towards the dark side of life.”  This has to be made up.   Yet somehow, Jason in his hipster jeans makes it work:  He dances with the goth lady, does the splits, and participates in a toast (“May you be unhappy, evermore.”).   We appreciate him evermore.  

 The best part of this date, however, is that Other Becca surprises Jason with his friends, he is delighted to see them, and they also seem super nice.  Lo, Other Becca says Jason’s friends remind her of her friends! 

And then finally, off to dinner in an airport hanger or Some Other Large Building.  Jason reveals seeing a Love in Action, in the form of his father’s care for his grandmother with Alzheimer’s even at the point that his grandma does not recognize her own son.   Other Becca talks about losing her dad when she was 19, caring for him at the end, and watching him take his last breath.  These are sacred human moments for All of Us and we get teary.    Jason gets the rose.

And basically, we just saw the high point of this entire episode.

The next date is a group date for Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, the Cowboy, Lincoln, and DC Mike.  “Let’s make history!”  After staring moodily over a balcony for the past several hours, DC Mike announces that he feels “very confident” and has some “tricks up his sleeve,” for this date, which this Author personally thinks is not a good way to approach dating.   Neither is this:

DC Mike: “This is Do or Die!! I have been in this place before in my life, with my back against the wall!”

We start to hear the beginning of “I Need a Hero” from the Footloose soundtrack  . . dum dum DA Dum Dum, Da Dum dum DA Dum Dum. . . . .

The deal on this date is that Other Becca takes the group to the Capital, where the group must debate for Other Becca’s hand in “Beccalection 2018.”  This is in front of a massive crowd, including the Governor of Virginia.  We want to die. 

The takeaway here is that none of these men have any snap.   Colton says that a perfect date would be taking Other Becca to the dog park to “grow our relationship.”  The Cowboy says he’s learned from past relationships to be “open and vulnerable.”  Connor says he has excellent hair.  Garrett says that women (“ladies”) are always right.   Wills says he never felt this way before. 

Lincoln, on the other hand, says: Not once, has it crossed my mind to pack my bags and go home, like DC Mike.”    And that starts DC Mike going:
DC Mike:  “For me personally, I have been nothing but real up to this point, but I can’t say the same for all my opponents here today.  This woman’s heart has been played with before and should not be before.”
Lincoln:  “I’m not sure if I’m one of the people he’s referring to but . . .”
DC Mike (INTO a mike, OMG):  “Actually you are one of them.  There is a nasty side of Lincoln that is very malicious and aggressive.  If she saw the man who you are when not around her, she would be disgusted.” 

The crowd looks incredibly uncomfortable, the Governor of Virginia is like “what did I just sign up to do on TV,” Other Becca looks ready to cry with embarrassment, and the Cowboy, god bless him, keeps trying to jump in and end this or move everyone forward (yet failing).

Other Becca is OVER. IT.

But Lincoln and DC Mike have lost their damn minds and continue sniping at each other through the drinks portion of the date as well.   Lincoln makes a bunch of crap up about DC Mike being a danger to Other Becca.  Meanwhile, DC Mike hopes Other Becca “felt his passion” today because he apparently thinks making a woman know you are crazy about here literally involves BEING crazy, talks about “fighting these battles,” and then freaks out when  he learns what Lincoln said from Other Becca.  And the other men finally snap.

Garrett is the first.  After Other Becca says that she needs 5 minutes to herself instead of 1:1 time with him, Garrett is in No Mood:  “I don’t know what you say to her but she is in such a bad head state that I couldn’t even talk to her.  Whatever it is, you need to get over it and move on because it’s impacting everyone.”

So DC Mike starts working his jaw at Garrett, and Wills says, for All of us: “If none of us get time to talk to Becca because of you two, I am going to lose my shit.”

But Other Becca pulls it together, hears a terrible poem from Garrett, has totally uninteresting words with Colton, hears Wills confess his love and say that it is terrifying. . . and then gives the date rose to Colton.  Wills is a bit taken aback, and we agree it would pretty much suck to make that announcement and then be passed over.

DC Mike has not taken the note: “I’m a fighter.  I don’t give up.  I always find a way to win. I’m not going to lose this battle.” We wonder if he ever listens to himself.  

At last the third date card comes, for Kenny G:  “The world is our oyster.” 

We appreciate Kenny G, who thinks they will have a good time no matter what happens, is cautiously curious about whether Other Becca can see a future with him, and takes it very well when Other Becca says she is mentally exhausted from the horrible group date.  Kenny G tells her not to feel pressure to feel “on a date” or have “fake fun” and just feel however she is feeling.   He also explains that he may seem like a caricature, but he actually is at a great place in his life to settle down, and he’s ready to do that.

Kenny G and Other Becca go out to gather oysters, and all we can think about is an article we read about ICE raids on the immigrant community that largely does this work and feeling rage.  We secretly wish Other Becca would take a moment to give Another Kind of History Lesson but she doesn’t.  Instead, she kisses Kenny G and tells him that he saw her “at her worst.”

Kenny G: “Seriously?  That’s your worst?   You’re just mildly not yourself.”

At dinner, Kenny G reveals that he never feels adequate in his father’s eyes.  Kenny G apparently was a big baseball player, but never well enough to play professionally, and since that was his thing with his dad, he always feels like he has failed him.  Other Becca tells him he is amazing and has “so many sides,” and he gets the rose.

This date ends at a Morgan Evans concert full of screaming women with iphones.  We conclude that Kenny G is a grown ass man, not dissimilar to Jason but probably less suited to Other Becca.  We secretly wish he would date Kendall from Season Ari.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the other men talk about how DC Mike is slowly becoming unhinged.   We, similarly, grow nervous as he slides on a watch, writes . . .what is it, a love note?  And Oh shit.  

When Kenny G comes home from his date, DC Mike slams out of the room.

Jason:  “I don’t know if DC Mike is going to go to Becca tonight.  But if he does, it’s going to be bad for him, bad for Becca.  I hope he’s able to put the wheels back on but I don’t know if he will.”

DC Mike, who is In Fact Going to Becca: “People need to acknowledge what kind of Monster Lincoln is.  The man eats 12 eggs a day.  His cholesterol has to be 6000.”

DC Mike continues his own internal game of brinksmanship as he knocks on Other Becca’s door.  Lo, for he has “nothing to lose” by showing Other Becca “his passion.” [This Author is now full on hearing Bonnie Tyler, who surely must be in DC Mike's head.  Where have all the good men gone and where are all the Gods?? Where's the street-wise Hercules to fight the rising odds??].  

He begins with a winning argument:  “For the last week and a half, there have been a lot of distractions and that has PREVENTED ME from talking about anything except those distractions.”

Other Becca visibly takes a mental pause upon hearing such nonsense.

But DC Mike presses on, implausibly insisting that he can see himself MARRYING her at the end, and then completely being unable to explain what got him to that point from being willing to storm out the door last week.  And then he cuts her off.  Repeatedly.    So Other Becca kicks him off the island.  And then DC Mike fights with her over whether she will walk him to the door.  Seriously. 

Other Becca:  “DC Mike is a very angry person, and is not someone I want in my life.  Ever.”

We see zero of DC Mike after that, or even the men’s reaction to his departure.  Instead, we jump straight to the rose ceremony.  We love Other Becca’s dress, which is long and confusing (in a good way) and sort of old timey, but cannot get a good picture of it.

 Joining Colton, Jason, and Kenny G with roses, Other Becca picks:

1. Garrett

2. The Cowboy

3.  Wills

Ooooo Connor and Lincoln go home.   Connor basically feels like crap.  But we haven’t liked him since he threw Lincoln’s photo in the pool 100 weeks ago, so Meh.

Stay tuned for next week when they go to . . . .THE BAHAMAS and basically every man freaks out.

KLo.