BW Part 6: Clear in the Rear

Babies, BW the Bachelor episode 6 begins with a gratuitous shot of Brad in the bath. As this reminds us of the naked man bent awkwardly backwards in a giant piece of driftwood as if his very own wood points northward in the "art shot" we might have seen in saugatuck over the weekend (I cannot believe that Saugatuck hosts a Gay Pride festival, can you?), we are somewhat nonplussed. In any event, he wants to marry a woman whose whom he can go to, and shake her dad's hand, and hug her mom, and feel like family. "Because you WOULD be family, dumbass," says our viewing companion KZ, and we are off to the races.

Like, OMG, the first hometown date is with Jenni in Kansas. They hug and rock like we all used to in Jr. High dances, and she takes him to the location of her very first dance competition, the Mary Jane Teall Theater. She, like, won $50 in that competition! Yes, well, this viewer won $60 in the penny slots in Vegas, so take that, bitches. Anyway, she is all "OMG, I am sooo embarrassed" as she does a Phoenix Suns dance routine for BW and he hoots and hollars.

Ooooh no. Crisis: As Jeni is dancing, all BW can think about is that she might stay in Phoenix another year. This worries him, as he did not see her for a week and it seemed like forever. What if feelings fade? We conclude that the dude needs some ginko biloba or whatever they sell for memory these days, as Jenni puts the slap down: "If you heart me, you will compromise with me and be patient for a year while I dance for the Suns." We have a small glimmer of admiration for Jenni, even if she laughs like a drain and wears hot pink halter baby doll tops. While we are a fan of tummy-hiding fashions, we did not think The BabyDoll is what God intended.

But first we must get through dinner with her family, at her mom Vicky's hair salon. We meet Richard (dad), Vicky (mom), Tiffany (sister), and Grandma Betty, who is 100% grandma, as her shirt indicates. Grandma B wants to know if BW is a drinker, since he owns a bar. And she informs him "that little lady ain't a walkin baby factory" when he says he wants lots of kids. Ever ready to create more awkwardness, Vicky decides to capture BW by washing his hair and asking questions about why he hasn't met women in his bar business. Tiffany, meanwhile, is flat ironing Jenni's hair and asking if BW is like, a good kisser. We know he probably spits a little in his subject's mouth when Jenni says that maaaaybe she could see kissing him for the rest of his life.

But we love Richard the most, because he wants to know "what's your goals?" in life. Brad starts to say what his goals are, and Richard stops him with a "I don't need to know what they are, just that you have ONE." (singular). Yeah, BW will fit right in with this family.

Oh, and Jenni made the dance team.

And without time to refill our wine, we are off to Walnut Creek, California, to meet Sheena's family. WTF is this girl wearing? Not only is it Mommy and Me matching turqouise with her mom Beverly, but the whole thing is held together with a dream catcher. Which we realize later is really just foreshadowing. Way to go, ABC.

Anyway, Sheena, BW, Beverly (who obviously dyes her hair) and dad (whose name we did not catch but who also dyes his hair) spend the day out on the water, inner tubing. "Clear in the rear!" shouts Beverly. BW had "so much fun lettin' loose and cuttiING up." We find it odd which letters he elects to drop for words and which he chooses to emphasis. Bev informs him that she and Dad still date...each other and that they are in Love. We actually think that is Fabulous and hold out hope that if Bev the Batshit can find someone for 24 years, we might also.

And then we suddenly learn that Bev works for the psychic hotline. OMG, she discovers that BW is a Scorpio, just like Sheena's dad. This elicits high fives all around. (viewer KM wants to know: "Are we high fiving because we are scorpios???") Sheena is an aries, and that is like, soooo perfect. When in the jacuzzi, dear readers, the big dipper is right above you. And the stars are lined up. And whether Sheena is Brad's one, or someone else's one, Bev knows that she is the one, you know? When Bev first met BW, all she could see was his eyes, and Sheena's eyes, and the eyes lined up. And when we talk about marriage, Sheena and Bev, or "we" as Bev says, are ready to commit. Every mom wants her daughter to be married, and BW is just perfect for Sheena.

Chirp.

We - and BW- are a little terrified, and are only made more so by Beverly's announcement that she is a FASHION COORDINATOR and could plan the whole wedding in a jiffy. Sheena wants to know if Beverly "annoyed" brad later on in the hot tub, and BW says no. We instantly know she is toast.

Date #3 is in Canton, Georgia, with Double Dee. She brings him a bucket of peaches. He brings her famly some wine. And we love her dad Greg, brother Thomas, and Sister Chrissy, all of whom have gotten the memo to wear red cotton shirts. Her stepmom Rebecca is in black, but we conclude that this is ok, as it enhances her blonde hair (we can be a fashion coordinator, too). We really don't know what to say about this date. We have the obligatory "let me steal you away to the bedroom, sister, and ask Deep Meaningful Questions like 'what if he doesn't pick you'" moment with Chrissy, and the man-to-man-on-the-porch conversation with dad, and the photo album looking,....and then the rest of the family comes over. OPPA!!! We dance in a circle. We drink ouzo and BW tries to keep a straight face with the taste because he is a "man."

KM concludes that BW wins the "Most Unfortunate Use of Air Quotes" award.

The fourth and final date is in Washington DC with a completely, utterly buttless and yoga pant wearing Bettina Newton John. We conclude that she has NO RIGHT to wear yoga pants without a fanny. Anyway, we meet her dad Richard, Step-Mom Emma Thompson, Mom who will not age well, and her sister Alexis. The dad is horrified and very dissapointed because BW has no education and Richard happens to be a professor. In Richard's words, "It's definately not what I would want for my daughter to find a husband. Her prior husband was a wonderful, wonderful man, and she will never find someone better. Love is blind." We conclude that he is an ASS both for taking sides with Bettina NJ's ex over his daughter and also for probably living smugly in Georgetown, reading Kafka, dressing like a beatnik, and marrying women who look like Emma Thompson while secretly having a Hummer and giving money to the NRA. In the words of BW, who we momentarily heart even if he is dumb (even in the dullest rocks there can be edges of brilliance) when he says, "I might not be educated, but I know enough not to judge people."

Our viewer KM wants to know if Bettina NJ is adopted.

We discover she is not when she tries to comfort BW later, who is rightfully furious, by saying "it's ok. I don't look that great on paper either." While we are glad for this little one-on-one and for BW's defense of himself, we find it weird that it is occuring on the Lincoln Memorial at midnight. WWAbeD?

And finally, it is the rose ceremony. Jenni is wearing a hot pink lampshade which we cannot mock because it *mighit* also appear in our older sister's high school closet. Sheena E is wearing red satin that looks like a big scrunchity bow. Double D is wine colored, and Bettina NJ is in basic black. And he picks.....
1. Double Dee
2. Jenni
3. Bettina Newton John (WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!)

We are shocked, yet totally called it. He sends Sheena E packing, saying that she is deserving of the perfect guy, and he just doesn't feel like he is (read: I am just not that into you). We are sad for her when she drives away in the limo, declaring that she would do it all again because she hearted him that much.

Stay tuned for next week, when BW takes the ladies on romantic dates in Cabo San Lucas, where Double Dee puts her heart on the line, and it's easier for Jenni to show BW how she feels, rather than tell him (eek!).

BW Part 5: He's Just Not That Into You

Ok, we are SO SORRY but we hadtogoonvacationandsitinthesun even if it made us miss the Bachelor. We are sure you understand and assure you that we are fully chastized for the failure to post acknowledgement of said vacation on our blog. But we apparently did not miss much, as Chris Harrison informs us that Jenni and BW cement their deepening relationship with a romantic kiss, as they have been for weeks now.

But the reason we don't care is that the men appear to be dressing themselves this episode. Exhibit A: Chris Harrison is wearing a lattice for a shirt. No, this is not the mesh shirt of the boy we might have dated for six weeks in college before realizing that he was part of the John Birch Society (and also a mesh shirt wearer). This is bona fide lattice. With a belt. Painted on the side. We have barely recovered from this fashion atrocity before we are accosted by a 1:1 date box for Bettina Newton John.

Oh, a gondola hat. We cannot rip our eyes away from The Hat, a symbol of romance for most 30-somethings everywhere yet a symbol of the Will Rogers Follies and "Hooray for our Favorite Son" multi-color-and-unfortunately-spangled-unitard horror for this viewer. DeAnna claims that Bettina NJ is trying to be all mysterious and that it is working for her as she skulks off with the aforementioned hat to get ready for the date. But we all know that she is more than a little stupid, and that it is very easy to pass for mysterious when one must think That Hard.

So Bettina rides in the gondola, and much awkward kissing of forheads ensues. She was brought up that the woman is supposed to play hard to get. She loves his patience. They both want the same things, but she has to "show him more." He says she is perfect and beautiful, which is admittedly what we all want to hear, but not when we are wearing a midriff baring white linen jacket with elbow-length puffity sleeves held together by our grandmothers' brooch because we then know that he is either A) lying or B) a damn fool. DeAnna concludes that BNJ is the other ladies' biggest competition.

Soon, the group date box arrives for Hillary, Jenni, Double Dee, and Kristy. Ooooo, a pool party! This viewer has previously expressed her feelings on The Bikini on National Television and therefore, will not repeat the manifesto here, except to note that TB on NT is neither improved nor enhanced by the playing of "Chicken" or the use of a Slip-N-Slide.

We also discover, as previously suspected though never fully revealed, that Hilary has absolutely no self edit. We are vaguely horrified by this discovery, as we ourselves have no self-edit when pressed (ok ok, no self edit EVER), and would indeed be pressed if forced to wear both a bikini and pastel whitish eyeshadow at a pool party with a dude that claims DeAnna is the strongest woman he's ever met in his life.

But back to Hilary. She would like him to "ravish" her. She would like him to "slap my [bleep] (she said ass) a couple times" and "bend me over and [bleep blur bleep bleep] from behind. Oh dear, she "doesn't know how to say it g-rated." She tells him that she can't wait for him to meet her family, her dad, etc. and we are quite certain that her father would be pleased to learn that his little girl possesses such outstanding verbal skills and apparent flexibility. Then, she asks the Question of Death: "How do you feel about me right now?" And instead of admitting that her eyeshadow is some crazy shit and she might be more than a little intense, he sayd "Hilary, I have more fun with you than I have with another woman in a long time. But maybe we are too good of friends." And from this, she concludes that his eyes tell her that there is chemistry between them.

Dear Hilary, dudes don't do the whole "I say batshit, I mean 'stalk me'" thing.

PS, we are a little freaked by your eyes.

His other 1:1 moments on this date are uneventful. DeAnna is strong and it is driving him nuts not to get to kiss her. Which is why he wisely chose to do his private time with her directly in front of three other women. Jenni, on the other hand, he takes to the MakeOut hammock, conveniently padded so as not to leave unsightly mesh marks similar to those on the Jenni-O-Turkey we all are planning to purchase for Thanksgiving in a few weeks (already cooked magic in a fishnet that it is). Kristy's private time doesn't even make the cut for ABC, and so we know she is going home. She did not participate in any of the festivities to date (see, e.g., chicken), providing us further confirmation of this fact.

And then we are at Date Box #3, for Sheena E. While Sheena is currently our favorite by sheer necessity, we have issues with her little chin-dip and look-through-the-lashes thing that she does. It ain't gonna be pretty when you get a little older and your chin disappears into your neck, sister. But stop the presses: she has a bust in her date box. We are not kidding. WTF is that supposed to symbolize, other than the voodoo doll soon to be made by Double Dee?

And suddenly we don't care again, because Brad has dressed himself. Not to be outdone by Chris Harrison, he has decided to wear a shirt with Navajo Jewelry designs/Dead Flowers/Honestly, a freaking air-brushed squirrel on the back if one looks closely enough. He wants to see her reaction to "each of the little surprises" he has in store for Sheena-E tonight, and we have Grave Concern as she does not react to The Squirrel.

He opens the door for her at Surprise #1, and we see six dresses. Pleaseohplease pick the pleather red one with the gold bow empire top thing going on. ......or the white one (oh no, that looks like a bridal gown *tinkle tinkle*). Surprise, she picks the pink one the exact shade and near cut of her current t-shirt. But this is "right out of a fairy tale," - including the "Life is Like a Box of Chocolates" slow-speaking prince -- until she falls on her butt coming down the stairs. While she refers to this as "falling on her face," we are not prepared to believe that ABC has found someone who cannot tell those particular parts apart.

She recovers, and soon they discover where Nena left at least three of her 99 Luftballoons when he walks her into a room full of white balloons, a few red ones, and streamers streamers everywhere, rah. My viewing partner KM and I share a moment of silence in honor of the ABC interns whose lips have bled for this moment. Sheena E claims it is like floating on a cloud. We secretly know that floating on a cloud is the wedding we in which the bride made her various attendants stand on circles of tulle during the ceremony. While we make no comment on the success of this scheme, we can say with conviction that neither does floating occur at the Prom. Ever. One misplaced high heel, and POW.

BW whips out diamond earrings, which Sheena-E is "all nervous" to wear because she was "not expecting some fancity diamonds which we also were not expecting, as we are unable to google their proper spelling. She rubs her ears. Show time, Synergy!!! She wants to kiss BW, but won't make the first move. Gah. He's learned a little about her, but wants to know more. He tells her he stutters. He concludes she is a "solid girl" and glad that his twin Chad could see that.

They dance to a string quartet, a/k/a "a small orchestra" according to Sheena-E. And they share a riveting conversation:
S-E: "You're a good dancer."
BW: "You're a beautiful lady."
BW: "I like that you are always smiling."
S-E: "How could I not?"
BW: "It's kind of a fantasy, is it not?"
.....followed by a moment where I am pretty sure he cleaned her teeth.

And finally, the Rose Ceremony. BW has chosen to wear a gray pinstripe suit with a blue, pink, and other colored diagonal stripe tie. We feel dizzy. We feel worse still when we hear Sheena-E's poem to him:

I love your laugh, your smile, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm;
The patch of blonde hair on your ears, your goals--and most of all, your charm."

Naturally, BW and we both are speechless. We are so strongly fighting flashbacks to the unfortunate white leopard drawn by Ryan for Trista that we nearly miss his request for an impromptu dance and to keep the poem. We further deny that we were ever sent a poem by a boy that might have involved his version of Shakespearean-style language or burned edges OR cologne. But we certainly hope that the next time it happens, it will be both more clever and involve, at a minimum, our left eyebrow.

Blah blah, DeAnna is nervous and her heart is pounding. He also sucks her teeth. Jenni is wearing a tapestry and one of those headbands one uses to wash their face at night. Bettina NJ talks of intimacy issues, but assures him that she canNOT wait for him to "grab him all over" (think of the children, Bettina). Hilary has a white eggplant as a hairdo, pastel eyeballs again, and red red lips to go with her dress so tight that it cannot close in back. And suddenly, we see the rare VertiBoob, that creature most commonly captured popping out from the pages of Victoria's Secret under the categories beginning with "Wonder." The woman has four. And they ain't side by side. We hope to god they are real, so that we do not see the effects of Saline Under Pressure.

Poor BW. "How can he relay that she's just a friend to someone that won't listen to a word he's saying?" We give him points for perception. He tells her that he sees them as just friends. She concludes, in the next sentence back to him, that she "is probably feeling the same way that he does, and that we definately have a chemistry and I know without a doubt that you could be a lover, husband, and best friend to me." She just feels so happy. She know she feel s a connection that he just can't express at this time.

Say it with me, Helen: Wa. Ter. Wa.Ter. Water.

And he picks:
1. Double Dee
2. Jenni
3. Sheena E, and
4. Bettina Newton John.

Suddenly, Hillary is taking an eye exam. Look up to the far left corner, Hillary. Now down to the far bottom left. As low as you can go, etc. She can't breathe. We secretly know why (Vertiboob, Vertiboob, Vertiboob), her mascara is running, her purple pastel eyeshadow now progressing to pinkeye levels. And then BW does what all stupid men do: "I broke your heart and now I'm going to tell you that you are one in a million and comfort you for the breaking of your heart. By me. Because I am just not that into you." ......"And ps, you are batshit."

Off she goes in a limo.

Stay tuned for next week (which will, in fact, be blogged on Monday), in which we get to meet Jenni's grandma and her t-shirt "Honest to Goodness 100% Grandma" and like, the scariest mom ever to not reside on Beverly Hills Drive (Sheena-E's mom).

KLo

BW Part 4: One Bitch, Two Bitch, Tan Bitch, Fool Bitch

We at the Bachelor News must explain that today's title is in honor of our friend A, who has had the occasion to teach children with speech impediments who really love fish. As a lisper ourselves, we salute thee, bitch lovin' child.

Episode 4 begins with a Date Box for none other than...Jenni. All her life (all 24 years), her new romance is what she has been looking for. We secretly know that this is because she is not yet old enough to look for her ass, which will be taunting her knees with the threat of kankles in another 10 years. We at the Bachelor News plan to get our ass a latchkey, so that it can always come home. But in the meantime, our attention remains on Jenni, who cannot wait to kiss Bradley on the neck. These Bachelorettes like to go where no woman has gone before, and we cannot believe that Bradley's neck is one of those places.

But we allow Jenni her moment in the sun, as we are completely distracted by the vibrant green lampshade that she is wearing for a dress held up by.... (wait for it)...the twisty bikini tube top hated by all viewers everywhere (all of us) for its weird quadra-pancake-boob machinations. Short stack, anyone?

Jenni and all the other bachelorettes are nearly hacked to death by BW arriving in a helicopter. We see grass and bits of debris (was that a cow, a la that great cinemotographic masterpiece, Twister?) fly by as he lands and whisks J away. The other "ladies" are very jealous. Hillary, whom we really do not like, concludes that Jenni is a very sexual person, perhaps one of those "hidden freaks in the closet." Suddenly all we can think about are the boys we hung out with in college and the requirement that a bad joke teller spend time in the closet only to be introduced upon his return by "hey everybody, so-and-so-came out of the closet" and to which the required response was, (say it with me like an old North Carolina drag queen: "honey, I've been out of closet for yeeeeeeaaaaahs.") We do not believe that this is what Hillary intended.

But back we are with the helicopter. Oh look, ABC has perched Jenni and BW on the very precipice of a building for dinner, in little backless stools an inch from death. We are thinking about death and squished bones and death some more and wonder out loud about how we would not want to be there. "Yeah," says our viewing companion KM, "We would so definately get shit on."

But poops are not near Jenni's mind, because someone has killed Colonel Sanders, stolen his jacket, and turned it into a sofa for that very roof. Our eyeballs keep following the jiggily gold threading as Jenni professes her best friendship for the roses that BW hands out. She has all of the ones he's given to her hanging from the chandelier by a hair clip. BW finds that romantic, and they proceed to suck face. Yes, she gets the rose.

And here is where we must stop because we Simply Cannot Stand It Any Longer. Not only are these bachelorettes uniformly the meanest group in all bachelor history, but we are now questioning our own Moral Judgement as we have been tricked into liking what is really a Stealthtard. He sneaks up on us with his brawny towel man good looks and ernestness, but here it is folks: The man is a box of rocks. We are pretty sure that he has not used words requiring more than 2 syllables all season, and now he is saying that Jenni can't possibly be real for her hairclipped roses. So the girl got an A in arts and crafts; this does not make her a quality choice.

Anyway, as the canoodling is continuing on Le Sanders' sofa, Date Box 2 arrives in the midst of "I will cut you bitch like KLo's neighbor Dennis" going back and forth between DeAnna a/k/a Dee Dee a/k/a Double Dee and Jade. We used to like Double Dee, but now we don't like her because she is mean and scary a little. But this date box is for Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Betina Newton John, Sophy, and Kristy. "There is nothing sexier than a woman's laugh. Show me yours." it reads. Aaaaaand, once again, we decide to petition ABC to let us be the poet laureate. But nooooo.

Date #2 starts on a double decker bus (see "shit," supra). Bradley doesn't want to end up with a "shy girl," so he opts to take the ladies to a comedy club, where they take an improv class. Really this is not as fun to watch as we thought it would be, and Kristy cries when her "My name is sugar and I'm looking for a little spice" comment falls flat (chirp chirp). She wanted to loosen up and let him see her "fun side" (WTF IS UP WITH THESE SIDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and she feels like she's blown her chances with him. We try to care, and in the end Bettina Newton John gets the safety rose on this date.

Date #3 is for the last two women: Double Dee and Jade. "Tonight there is just one rose; one stays and one goes." Come on people. How about "This bud is for the last chick standing; So lick those lips and start sandbagging." Jade is out for blood, confident that BW will see through Double Dee's fakeness and give her the rose. But back off bitches, because Double Dee is "way more mature than Jade. Very mature." And also matchity with the sofa in her crazy headband. We feel a little dizzy and have to close our eyes.

This little threesome is totally awkward and involves a lot of cutting people off. Jade started working at 16, but Double Dee was working at 14. Yes, let's just start playing "Coal Miner's Daughter" right now for you babies. D squared wants a family, and wants someone who believes in God. But Jade has really crazy plastic jelly stripper shoes on. She should win, but BW is drawn to Double Dee's strength and gives the rose to her. Jade drives off in the limo, saying that D does not deserve her happy ending. We, personally, are just sad that the "un triscuit y dos mujeres" melodrama not previously seen since Mad TV has come to an end. Double D and BW end up making out in the hottub and Jade drives away. Double Dee is all pleased because "Brad saw a side of her that he wanted to see." Be sure he checks your teeth for scurvy and hips for birthing potential, too, hon.

Aaaand as that date is progressing, all the remaining women at the house declare their readiness to be engaged in 6 weeks. Bettina Newton John is like, "ya'll are crazy. You have no idea what it is like to be married," as she was once. And suddenly, we really REALLY don't like Hillary. Hillary likens Bettina to a "used car" that you have to make sure still works by kicking the tires every now and then. You, Hillary, are like a moped. Likely to be ridden by men who have lost their licenses and never cool. Ever.

And at last, it is the rose ceremony. And sheesh, everyone is crying. Kristy is all GLAD she cried to him because she wanted him to see that side (nononononooooo) of her. But BW thinks she might be "too much of a lady; too refined" for him. And we see an axe looming. Sheena lays it on the line and tells him this is all real for her. And suddenly the clouds open and we have a new favorite: Sheena-E, coming from behind to take the lead!!! Then it takes four women, in one-word each, to ask BW who his first kiss was. We realize that they probably thought their approach was "adorable," and we conclude it was about as adorable as the mildly disturbing pantomime of "good morning starshine" or whatever the frick those girls pantomimed at one semester's talent show back in college. We feel sort of dirty. But Bradley answers and says Jenni, and teeth immediately get sucked back. Bettina Newton John says about 10 times that "its not a competition. It's a relationship." And Jenni doesn't care any more.

McCarten cries. Hillary cries. Bettina cries. McCarten's eye shadow would blind a truck driver in the middle of the night. And finally, FINALLY, he picks to join Bettina Newton John and Double Dee:
1. Kristy
2. Sheena -E (yay); and
3. Hillary.

McCarten and Sophy get the axe. And both are devastated. As McCarten says, "BW is someone that I could see being the father of my children OR my husband." (I am not making the emphasis up). We are glad to see her leave, as we are sure that a few more weeks of tanning would have enabled her to blend in with the dirt.

Stay tuned for next week, when Sheena-E falls down the stairs on the way to her date and Hillary has another coronary.

K

BW Part 3: White Diamonds

Episode three begins with what we all know so well: the date box. Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsay, Sarah, and DeAnna (whom we love because she wears glasses, even if the others call her McSkanky for no apparent reason. bitches, all of them. nobody puts Baby in the corner.) are goin' to the Circus, ya'll!!! Lindsay has to "step something up" to be noticed by BW, in her words. We are a bit terrified because she is from Livonia, Michigan and any model from Livonia is Not a Good Thing. But BW doesn't care, because he wants to see their "inner child" (singular) come out. We thought they WERE children, but have very little time to ponder as Sarah gets sneezed on by an elephant.

Jenni, of course, does a round-off, back flip, and back handspring, which is totally cheertastic and makes BW's hands sweat. We cannot understand how the human pretzel lady in episode 1 is freakish, but how he hearts backhandsprings in episode three. While we suppose it is all in context, we are still getting annoyed by her Eva Longoria-meets-that-littlest-girl-on-Party-of-Five look and constant laugh. But we do give her props for telling him that if she was the Last Girl Standing, she would like to do long distance for a year until her Phoenix Suns contract is up. But we are distracted from our appreciation of a Career Girl by Stephy, who reveals that she has not dated anyone since high school (about 5 years).

And did we mention that we do not like McCarten and her "brown sugar lives on" tan lines? No, we do not. Brad also seems skeezed, as he pulls her away to speak privately because he "can't figure her out." While this is hardly unusual in the species known as male, we nevertheless are forced to give him dork points when he believes her answer: "I don't need the security of a rose. If we have a good thing, I'm comfortable waiting until the rose ceremony." gah!

Blah blah and the circus MC announces that BW will give out the safety rose live during the circus! We anticipated this, and are more interested in DeAnna's Mary Catherine Gallagher impression, which the camera people are obviously not highlighting but which we think is hilarious. Which of course ends up being Stephy. Who is very sweet but lacks all manner of snap.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the second date box arrives for Hillary: "You just get dressed, and I'll take care of the rest." Okay, people. We have our new calling. We are going to be the Poetess in Residence at ABC and also the waitress that brings out the first impression rose during the first cocktail party of the season. Because seriously.

But Hillary is all shaky and in awe because she gets to wear 1 million in jewels. Perhaps this bachelorette is an anomoly, but we don't give a billy be damned about 1 million in jewels. We also do not like the black sequined and belted dress (we hate belts) that she gets to wear, OR the look of hatred in the other bachelorettes' eyes, or that BW is all taken aback and speechless by her beauty. But we do admit that taking a private jet to San Francisco for dinner is pretty Major, in the words of our favorite spice girl, Victoria Beckham.

And then she starts to cry. And cry, and cry. Poor Bradley thought that she was fun and lighthearted, but she cries and cries and cries during dinner, and after dinner, and before dinner. BW is panicked, and so he does what any man would do: suggest she eat something. and it works: she only stops crying long enough to eat a sundae at the Ghirardelli factory...WITH WHIPPY ON IT. We hate whip. We throw up a little in our mouths. But not her, because she gets to kiss him. The only beauty in this moment is that she thinks she is getting the first kiss, but totally isn't because he's kissed Jenni with an "i" twice now. Ooo, SNAP.

Off we go to the final group date, with Kristy, Sheena, Jade (hiss), Bettina Newton John, and Solisa y her Dos Mujeres. They get to "sail away," likely with the mujeres as ballast. Sheena has been "boating her whole life," and hopes that this will give her an edge. Bettina Newton John is insecure about the fact that she has been divorced and that he might have a closer attraction to other women. Kristy the accupuncturist wants to show him her fun side. And we do not understand this, as we are apparently not angular enough to have sides. But BW does, possibly because he is very fit, but more likely because he is, at core, a clueless male who decides to give the rose on this date to Kristy in front of all the other women, while simultaneously expounding her beauty. BW, you know I heart you because you look like the Brawny Towel man, but that was really tardly of you.

But as we digress, we nearly miss that Solisa is giving BW a lap dance. OMG, she "shakes her butt fast because it's the only thing she knows how to do." Suddenly, we want to see her bio on the bachelor website. And here we are with the sides again: Sheena wants to show him her "competitive side," which she handily does by nearly peralyzing BW by cutting him off on a wave runner.

And then it is the rose ceremony. As we have watched three bachelor episodes back to back in one day, we are a bit jaded by the whole rose ceremony situation. But things liven up when Brad's twin Chad agrees to stand in my him because "there is only one person that can help me in situations like this." And if anyone can help him find a wife, it's Chad. WHAT?!? How many times has this dude been in a multi-date situation? Or tried to find a wife? And why are these men ALWAYS IN TEXAS????

We do not think these boys look at all alike, so we are rather surprised when a couple of the women completely miss that this dude is not BW. McCarten wants to know why he has the giggles, and Lindsay asks him how long he wants to be engaged and if she likes camping. Sarah thinks he's weird, but doesn't say anything. But Sheena E saves the day by immediately catching that Chad ain't Brad. She wants Chad to tell him that she likes Brad, and that she notices things, including the patch of blonde hair on his ear. LOL. Baby, that patch is gonna be a forest in about 10 years. Kristy, Bettina Newton John, Stephy and DeAnna all pick up on the twin thing too.

And then oh oh, it's tough decision time, as BW stares at all the pictures of the women (which this viewer thinks are quite unattractive and feels sorry for these women for the sins of ABC's camera person). In addition to Hillary, Stephy, and Kristy, he's "gonna go with his heart" and pick:
1. Sheena E
2. McCarten (noooooooo)
3. Jenni with an "i"
4. Jade (WTF.)
5. DeAnna (yay)
6. Bettina Newton John.

Lindsay is going to kill someone. And Solisa is devastated because she has "special parts." And she wears those special parts "on the outside." And maybe he doesn't like her "special parts." Baby, you were one lapdance over the line with those parts.

Stay tuned for next week, when we have One Night at the Improv and it's all fun and games until someone starts crying AGAIN.

k

BW Part 2: They will Cut Us Like Our Neighbor Dennis

We are scared of these "ladies." We are even more scared of them than we are of our neighbor Dennis and his misleadingly named Schnauzers, Molly and Katie, who DRAGGED A CEMENT ROCK to which they were chained as they chased after this authoress on her way to her home from TiVo moment #2, as Dennis screamed "hey hey hey" and shook a paint brush at them. We know that brush was intended for us like we know the scent of spray tan oozing from the television. We are not fooled. But we are afraid, and the reason is this: These ladies are not nice. They would cut us like our neighbor Dennis if given half a chance.

Episode 2 begins with the Ugliest Date Box Ever. It's like some giant bedazzled picnic box with fourth of July banners on it. Tyra Banks must have gotten to it. Of course, we should know that this means they are going to the racetrack. We are glad the Barbie horses and ginormous hats inside cleared that up. This date is for Erin, McCarten, Mallory, Hillary, Jade, and DeAnna, who love curling irons. Jade also believes she should get a rose because she is one of the more "competitive" women, and we shiver a little at the flash of blood in her eyes.

Guess what--BW has what every girl needs according to ABC: cold hard cash. Yet we heart him a little when he explains that he wants to see how these women use it to bet on the horses, as you can tell a lot about a woman from the way she handles money. DeAnna bets half hers on #3 and she wins. We like her because she is like our reader RP, and also appears not to be batshit.

Which sadly, we cannot say about the ladies back at the house, who get date box #2 during the horse date. Ooo, a beach bag with tiny bikinis signals a day of fun in the sun. Solisa decides that this is a "way" better date than the horse track because they all "get to" wear bikinis. She also likes the little ridgy muscles on man hips, and does that really creepy tongue flippity thing formerly made famous by Gene Simmons and infamous by that Amish boy that made the same gesture at a friend of my sister's when she was driving along the country roads and enjoying the sun.

But anyway, it all goes to hell when Michelle trips on the stairs and gets a concussion (which we cannot spell). And she was not even drunk. And all the other women can say is that gee, it looks like another woman is down and competition is less. McCarten, whom we no longer like, was annoyed because Michelle got BW's number to tell him about the concussion. And we hate them all, because Michelle was the oldest of them (30) and was actually pretty cool. Of course she gets axed in the end. It is all Pure Evil.

Speaking of, we are back at the races. Hillary the ER nurse is making the moves on BW, saying to the camera that she is "freaking going to get that rose" and "freaking going to kick someone in the shin" if they try to stop her. McCarten is gonna try, however, by making serious moves on BW and swooping in for a kiss. And we decide we REALLY like BW when he says it was a terrible kiss to the camera. ahahahaha. We heart the bachelor for the first time EVER. In the end, DeAnna gets the rose on that date. Jade the boutique owner wants to know if "DD's" quietness is a "front for the girls" and that she is Secretly a Different Person. Jade scares us.

On to Group Date #2 at the beach. Someone thinks that all the racetrack girls "are jealous" because they don't get to wear bikinis in front of the Bachelor and God and their Parents on National TV. While there is so much of us and all so luscious, in the words of Whitman, we do not see how The Bikini is a positive thing. But we are not a model like Lindsay (who wants to show him how "sexy, flirty, and fun" she is. What is this, Seventeen Magazine?). AND we do not know toasts like "here's to the North, and here's to the South, and here's to finding out what he can do with his mouth." Which we blush to type. augh.

Sarah steals Brad first. He loves her disposition. He's always too serious, but she seems to have fun. Solisa then wants to suffocate our Bachelor between her jubblies in the name of a body shot, so that he knows that she is a "free spirit." Or at least free. But Solisa is a Christian, you see. She has morals and values. Which this reader canNOT understand, because eeeeeeeverybody has morals and values to varying degrees, and hers just happen to include ripping off her bikini and running into the ocean. Stephy is perplexed because she can't figure out if he likes "an outgoing girl or a quiet girl." Jenni gets the kiss, which seems to go a LOT better than McCarten's little entree, but turns out Stephy didn't need to worry because she gets the rose.

And finally, the rose ceremony is upon us. Michelle gives her plea: Yes, I had a concussion. But I am the oldest one here (and I have fake boobs) and I want to travel (and I have fake boobs) and pay off my college education (and boobs). Mallory tells BW that her perfect date would begin with him letting her sleep in and then cooking breakfast for her (ahahhahahaha). Jade is out to Cut Jenni LOND because Jenni brought her modeling book, including a picture of her eating watermellon. But she doesn't Name Names to BW. We are actually completely terrified of Solisa's bosom, which is hanging pricariously out of everything she wears including her Rose Ceremony dress, and we just don't know what to say other than that.

And in the end, he picks:
1. Kristy in all her black sequins. ha cha cha cha.
2. Bettina, who we are becoming increasingly aware is secretly Olivia Newton John.
3. Hillary.
4. Stephy. WTF is up with her corset dress?
5. Sheena.
6. McCarten (noooooooo).
7. Jenni
***at which we flash to a Telenovela moment at which Jade gives the Evil Eye and other ladies gasp in horror***
8. Lindsay, whose ruching at the bottom of her dress we do not understand.
9. Jade, even if her hair is Truly Terrifying, and
10. Solisa, or at least her Dos Mujeres.

Stay tuned for tonight, when BW switches with his equally dazzling twin brother to identify who is the most observant of the ladies. Da da DUM.

-KLo

BW Part 1: Brown Sugar

Apologies for the rain delay, babies, but We Are Back. Thanks to Our Favoritest friends and neighbors and their mad TiVo skills, even an ill-timed trial cannot tear us away from our Bachelor for more than two weeks. However, this latest season leaves us traumatized because we might have the teensiestlittlecrush on the latest mantini to pour himself onto the screen. And this is not because Brad Womack looks like our picture of the sleepwalking and troubled Tawny Lion who falls in love with the spitfire dark-haired beauty with blue eyes because she was the only one that could Reach His Soul in the pages of the Harlequin which we did not (no we did not) stay up embarrassingly late reading last night. (and anyway, we are on vacation). It is because he appears to have a sense of humor. Which we heart.

Anyway, we begin the season with 956 roses, 107 hot tubs, 19 crying men, and a partridge in a pear tree as Chris Harris walks us through a review of Bachelors of the Past. But enough of that. We must live in the present, and that present is Brad Womack, who grew up wealthy until a divorce left him and his family in a double wide trailer in Texas. We know that we are learning important information, but we are blindsided by his brother's porn 'stache in a picture from 1995. Just because you can grow one doesn't mean you should, gentle boy readers. But now the successful owner of 4 bars and restaurants and self-made millionaire (who toiled on an oil rig for 10 years, babies), he is ready to find a wife. A soul mate. And to be a dad. In the words of Ricky Bobby, he is going to fiiight, and wee-in. Even if he needs the help of his identical twin brother, whom we shall call Lorenzo, to do so. Ooooooo.

As the 25 women pour themselves out of the limos, we are struggling to discern BW's type, yet relieved that Chris Harris stresses that his type includes "single." We decide he likes legs (yay, we have two of those!) And strong jaws. (thank you swiss-german heritage). And ...moderately older women, which really means only 6-8 years shy of his 34. Dammit. We comfort ourselves that women in our 30s are Hidden Jewels amidst a sea of vapid leggy sea-creatures, perhaps some (but not all) of whom were once men. Lo, how a rose e'er blooming.

As the first car arrives, we are accosted with Sheena of the ripped up dress and tinkly voice, and Jenni (a/k/a Eva Longoria) the Phoenix Suns dancer who is way way too giggly. Kim the realtor takes off her shoes because she might be too tall. Sarah is a bar owner. Bettina is yet another realtor. Jessica the news anchor displays her stellar journalism skills: "They told me you were hot, but I didn't know you were a fire extinguisher."

Let's think about that one for a minute.

But not too long, because Regina a/ka/ Latoya Jackson, a/k/a "Miss Brown Sugar" is on the prowl. Oh. Sweet. Jesus. Not to be outdone by Erin the salesperson who broke her face playing football. Or the other chick that broke her nose twice. Or Juli the law student who can turn herself into a pretzel. BW "knows he should think that is hot," but admits it is a little freakish. McCarten had a dream about him last night, which we forgive because she is one of the only chickies who does not talk to him as a baby or small puppy. We also heart DeAnna, who is Greek and Texan AND another freakin' realtor that looks a little like our devoted and beloved greek reader RP. Kristy the accupuncturist makes him show her his tongue. Michelle from NJ says he is "everything she is looking for." We suffer booty pops, bad dancing, please for Brad's jacket. And on and on. Oh, and we do not like Bettina, who is far too skinny and we decide will not age well. We also further do not like Jenni for her Phoenix Suns dance moment, in which she almost loses her top. AND we do NOT like Mallory, who jumps into the pool in a bikini she apparently tucked somewhere in her bits in order to impress the Bach, whom she then tells to "take of his pants." We conclude she has her makeup tattooed on, as it does not move. Really, this episode is most impossible to blog.

But then we realize that the time worn adage is true: It's all fun and games until someone loses a breast. Yes, there is a fake tata on the floor, just laying there all a-jiggly. As BW goes to hand out his First Impression rose to Jenni of the Pheonix Suns ("Everything I say, she laughs at. That could be annoying."), the camera zooms in. OMG, Melissa has been walking around for two hours with one boob. What's a girl to do? Dust it off, shove it back in, and then drunkenly tell the ladies that she wants bigger boobs and BW that he is all sweetness. She's a trooper, even if she can't hold that alcohol.

Except we almost don't care anymore, because Megan has pulled -- for the second time-- her self-styled "signature move." For those of you who lived the 80s, you may be familiar with the fingers-in-a-vee-I-am-looking-at-you move. Which is her signature. Because you know, she invented it. Probably because she is too young to remember Flock Of Seagulls did it first. Anyway, the girl has webbed feet. We are sure this is related to her signature move. We hope she doesn't get picked. We heart BW for crying with laughter at that.

And in the end, we get our wish (yay, we are a Rock Star). As he picks, by hair color order:
Brunettes: Jade, McCarten, DeAnna, Stephanie, Solissa, Sarah, and Kristy, (plus Jenni of the First Impression).
Blondes (real or fake): Bettina, Hillary, Michelle, Sheena, Erin, Lindsay, and Mallory.

Stay tuned for oh, about two hours from now, when KLo catches up on Episode 2.