The Big Fedotowsky Part 6: Come To My Garden

oh oh oh The Big F Part 6 begins with a toy plane heading to . . . Istanbul (not Constantinople), Turkey!! Ali is feeling "really confident" about the last seven boys she has picked. But who is "just a friend," babies? Soon all shall be revealed.

But, Drama: Chris Harrison has knocked on Ali's hotel room door in the Most Inappropriate Attire for a Warm City Ever: a fuschia v-neck pull-over. And he has news: "Oddly enough, Jesse from last season, who is your BFF [and who never talked EVER until she got voted off], gave me some information that is legitimate, and we're going to call her right now." Chris Harrison starts to dial, and [we swear we are not making this up], the phone rings in our viewing residence. We nearly DIE as KMu suggests, "Hello. This is PMu." But no no no, the phone rings 10 times before Jesse finally picks up in Toronto. And she is, in the words of KMu, "a little hooched up for this call."
"And Jake. Is a Pilot!" says ABe.
Anyhow, Jesse wants the Big Fedotowsky to know that there is a "guy not there for the right reasons. Justin. I am sitting here with his girlfriend right now. Her name is Jessica." Oh, SNAP. And also, Sweet Valley High, what in all that is 1980s is that girl wearing? It is a blazer with the sleeves rolled up. And a giant heart locket. AND an I'm-getting-my-hair-cut-right-now-or, alternatively I-am-doing-a-face-mask-and-that-is-the-only-reason-I-am-using-this Hair Clip clip, evil step child of the banana clip. Straight up now tell her, is he really gonna love her forever (oh oh oh), or is she really caught in a Fashion Police hit and run?

As Jesse hands the ginormous cell phone to Jessica, Jessica starts to CRY. "Me and Justin [rage. RAGE.] have been dating for the past two years when he said, you know what, I am going on a show to get into the entertainment business. I want to get top 3 because then I will be well-known. So I took his head shot and bought him his suit. He told me when he got back that we would get married."
"I CALL BULLSH*T," Says ABe. And we have to acknowledge that somebody has had a secret girlfriend in the last several seasons, and it is really getting old.
But Jessica continues: "Justin actually contacted me, and that's when I kind-of [KIND OF?!?] put my foot down. Because I found out that he has another girlfriend in addition to me."

So Ali hangs up, and she is pissed. Chris Harrison powerfully contributes "sorry," and then shows Ali what can only be described as the Worst PhotoShop Job of a picture Ever: Jessica piggybacked onto Justin by some body of water, on CH's iphone. ABe could make that in 5 minutes. Maybe she will, and replace Jessica with KMu. And then replace Justin with HOT JESSE or maybe Pasha from So You Think You Can Dance. Sometimes we are sad that our identities are a Thinly Veiled Secret because how fun would that be.

ANYWAY, Chris Harrison is completely useless, telling Ali to "be strong" as she marches down the hall to the boys' residence. Ali, gentle readers, believes in "being good to people. And kicking their asses when they aren't good to" her. In this moment, we love Ali, even if she is completely inappropriate in calling Justin RR out in front of all the other dudes. She is "shaking, because she is so angry," and there was a "fire in her eyes," says Scrapbook. Roberrrrrto hauls her down to sit beside him on the sofa and encourages her to calm down. "Calma te" whispers KMu. Oh, Roberrrrto, how we have missed thee.

And Justin Rated R totally bails! He walks out of the room with his passport and his wallet. "That MoFo was wasting everyone's time," comments Criagslist, to whom we are becoming endeared. But Justin RR has now blindly walked INTO THE HOTEL GARDEN instead of, you know, out the front door, and so Ali is ultimately able to block his progress on a little footpath, demanding that he "talk like a man." JRR demands that she not "touch him" and moves past her. The rest of the boys, now giddy in the window watching this little show, take a break to all go to the bathroom together. Okay, not really, but they ARE giddy and Scrapbook DOES say "his shirt shouldn't have said 'Justin Rated R.' It should have said 'Justin.. . . . Liar." Clever, Scrapbook.

JRR, having finally found his way out of the garden [via cutting through the bushes and then scaling a fountain. seriously.], starts wandering the streets of Turkey as CH and Ali sit together outside. . . and then JRR comes BACK. We give the Big Fedotowsky some serious credit here, as she notes that he ran away until he could figure out what he wanted to say, and now he's back. And he's back with a story: "With me and Jessica [RAGE] . . . Yeah, I have strong feelings for her, but she's probably like my best friend. I went into this process with an open heart, but as it's gone forward, my connection to you has gotten less and less." Ali asks him why he didn't just tell her that YESTERDAY, and calls him on being a liar because Jessica is saying he has been calling her, he has another girlfriend, etc. He swears he was not calling her, blah blah blah blah, until . . . .

Babies, after nearly a decade, ABC has given us its first Truly Poetic Moment. Justin RR storms off to the sound of forlorn guitar, as we hear in the background: "First saved message. Jessica, this is Justin. Why can't you pick up the phone? You are my everything. I wrote this for you tonight [insert crappy poem]. I love you." And then "second saved message." and "third saved message." Justin, you should know more than anyone, in ABC's hotel, someone is always watching.

What do we need to get over this Tragedy? A date with Tyumbo!!! "Let's get steamy," says the date card, and we know we are in trouble. This feeling is only confirmed when Ali shows up in a min-vest. A VEST, for all that is holy. But Tyumbo is equally bad, wearing all sorts of costume jewelry including a lapel pin (on a white button down), a giant disc on a leather strap around his neck, and a huge bracelet. Of course, he keeps virtually all of this on as they head to the turkish bath. We are pretty sure that women are not supposed to be in there, but that does not stop Ali and Tyumbo from wearing huge tableclothes and soaping each other up. We are SO not feeling Tyumbo, who we are pretty sure is the dumbest man left this season. ABe concurs, "You know it's bad when you see a 1/2 naked man and are not attracted." They kiss, we are grossed out, and on to the next step on this date: dinner.

So at dinner, Ali has some questions for our friend Tyumbo. Like, what, exactly, happened to end his marriage. And the following ensues:
Tyumbo: "lots of things, building up."
Ali: "Like what? Who offered up the divorce papers?"
Tyumbo: "I did."
Ali: "Why? Did your ex-wife work?"
Tyumbo: "She did, and that was a big part of the problem. And it took me living a little after that divorce to realize that women are presidents of companies and CEOs. I was so closed growing up, that I never saw that."

STOP THE PRESSES. He got a DIVORCE because his WIFE WORKED?!!?!?! This boy is 31. He was practically born in the 1980s. And he got a divorce like, 5 minutes ago. We are so flabbergasted that we have no words, except that Ali is a damn fool for saying the following:
Ali: "I have concerns [CONCERNS?!?] but am giving you this rose."
Tyumbo is every bit as bad news as Justin RR, and we are En Fuego that they are now dancing in the street to some vuvuzela imported from South Africa to make us all feel yet further enraged. We have no use for any of these people.

How fortunate that back at the Hyatt (nothing like Americans' total inability to experience a culture by actually living in it) the next date card comes for Cape Cod Chris, Roberrrrto, and Craigslist. WTF, Frank Funke gets another 1:1 date? Despite this good news for him, he is actually jealous of the other boys for getting to spend time with her, because that is what he does. We feel really bad for Craigslist, who has not had a 1:1 date. And also, we love C-cubed's "Cuba Libre" t-shirt. We hope he knows what it means.

As these four wander the streets of Turkey, they spy Ali up in a tower waving them over. "We had a little Rapunzel moment," says Scrapbook. Sweetheart, if you tried to climb Ali's hair extensions, we promise you it will end badly. But he finds a door, and they all head into a 15th century tower of some sort to drink beer and olive oil wrestle. That's right, four oiled up men in black leather pants have arrived. Sounds like a gay bar on a slow Saturday night.

But these men, gentle readers, are professional Olive Oil Wrestlers. Which is, apparently, a real sport in Turkey. And the four unlucky men on this date are going to have to fight these oiled persons. "Seeing these guys get oiled up to fight for my love was pretty hot," says Ali. We only feel bad for the boys, as we watch watering cans of olive oil being rubbed all over them, and then it starts to rain. And we feel especially bad for Craigslist, who is the First Lawyer Ever to win this Viewer's Endorsement on this show, however tepid.

Poor Craigslist is the only non-athlete in the bunch. But this boy is determined -- with 1:1 time with ALi on the line (but no rose), he manages to beat out Scrapbook, and then Roberrrto (who previously beat Cape Cod Chris), to get dinner with Ali!! Yay, Craigslist!!! He also gets the Best Award Ever: A statue of black pants stuck on a piece of wood. We would keep this award for ever and ever if we were to win it.

Oh oh oh, but Craigslist has no chemistry with Ali. He is nice and sweet, but there is no kissing going on -- even when watching fireworks off the backside of a boat. And also, as he earnestly confesses to her that he will be upbeat and positive, as he has on this journey heretofore, into the future, she turns sideways from him. We are so sad for you, Craigslist!!! We are Confident that the axe will be falling for you shortly.

Back at the Hyatt, Frank Funke is jealous AGAIN. He grouses about Ali being on a boat date with Craigslist, even though his own 1:1 date is coming right up. We have no use for you, crapnugget film student. Soon, his date card arrives, and with this shiny new toy, he is happy again: "The Road to Love is Bizarrre." Roberrrto, whom ABC has not shown enough of this episode despite our explicit warning [damn you, ABC], notes dejectedly that it's hard to watch Mr. Funke get two 1:1 dates when some guys haven't had any.

So now we must tolerate another date with Frank and Ali, which might be summed up as Ali glowing as KLo seethes from the sofa. Frank wants to buy an economy size aphrodesiac at the market! Frank tries an ugly hat! Frank is all hot for Ali in a bellydancing outfit, even though the bottoms are on wrong! Once upon a time, this viewer was a bellydancer. And our name was "Spazzgandhi." True story, of which that is all you will get. Back to Frank Funke: He looks at carpets! Oh, he buys a carpet!! For Ali, "nothing has changed" between them -- they are back to their old chemistry and could not be happier.
ABe suddenly realizes that Ali actually LIKES a hipster.
omg. We think ABe is right. And we weep for Ali, but only a little because she picked that damn idiot Tyumbo and really, this whole Frank business is just consistent with that run of bad taste.

As Frank Funke and Ali walk into their dinner location, some sort of hallway filled with water, we realize that we would instantly fall asleep eating here. There are candles. There is water. There is darkness and quiet. Whether it be sleep deprivation or our secret double life as a vampire, we would be comatose within five minutes. But not Frank: "I am with an amazing girl, right in the middle of this cistern!!!" says he. Word to the wise, Frank: Watch for floaters.

But then, in true Film Studen style, he says:
Mr. Funke: "When I get down, it's like you swoop in and rescue me at the right moment." WTF.
And then: "I know for me, I want to propose only once. I want to be married only once. So for me, it's just getting to that point with you."
KMu: "Well, you came to the right place to find a spouse."
PMu: "I hear Le Sausage is available."
But Ali has not heard the irony in this little speech. Oh no, because now they are kissing. And we don't even care about THAT, has he has a thumb ring. A THUMB RING, babies. We hope it turns his thumb green.

Of course he gets the rose. Dammit.

And soon we are at the Rose Ceremony. Except there will BE no rose ceremony this time, because The Big F has Made Up Her Mind. We are a little sad about this because we have not seen Roberrrto and were hoping to do more of that at le ceremonia de la rose, but suddenly, there he is on the stairs!!! We rewind five times. As she forces the boys to stand before her (in the ugliest cocktail dress ever. Is it a swimsuit pull-over? A can-can dress? An ace bandage for her shoulder?) she does what we all knew she would. To join the least deserving boys in the bunch, Tyumbo and Frank Funke, she picks:
1. Roberrrrrto (yay!)
2. Cape Cod Chris, and
3. Scrapbook.

Craigslist is going home. We knew this was coming. We were prepared for it. But what we were not prepared for is that Craigslist completely outclasses Ali, thanking her for everything, earnestly telling her that everything he said the prior evening was true, and then crying a little in the car, as she was like "no girl he has ever met before." That is because you are a lawyer, Craigslist. And you probably run into legal women. And we are ALL batshit. We heart you, Craigslist, and know you will do well in life.

Next stop in our Tour of Shame: Lisbon, Portugal. We don't really know what happens there, as suddenly ABC is messing with us by showing clips of the entire remaining season, in which we are VERY concerned as we do not see Cape Cod Chris.

-- Peace,
KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 5: Ice Ice Baby

Oyve, babies. We are really striking out this season with the vacaciones and the work-related absences. We hope you forgive us, as we now are risking TORNADOS and CERTAIN DEATH to blog from our bathroom (center of the house, no windows) because we Cannot Go Another Day Without You [Update: After writing the entire BNU earlier this week, we lost our interwebs connection in a storm before the BNU could be uploaded. RAGE.]. So. . . as we said on Monday night, "Let's all get cozy round the chocolate." (meaning fondue). Or, as PMu said, "You mean ABe?" Regardless, we are going to ICELAND.

We are so relieved that ABC has provided a little pane to tell us how to get to Iceland from New York. Yet we *almost* don't care because there is a volcano. And it is exploding. So when we were in junior high (ahdn high school and college and now), we were obsessed with volcanos. We don't care if they smell like an egg's ass. We heart them. And we have watched every single disaster film involving them with unadulterated delight -- including Dante's Peak, which in our humble opinion is Saying A Lot. But now Tyumbo is blathering on about not thinking anyone ever went to Iceland to find love (except this viewer. with a volcano.) And Mr.s Donovan is worrying about the *right* moment to the Tattoo of Idiocy. So we must leave our volcanic dreams behind us until . . .

Mother of God. This may be the Best Episode Ever. Chris Harrison greets the surviving gents, announcing that there shall be a group date, a 1:1 date, and a 2:1 date. And the boys must compete for the 1:1 date by WRITING A LOVE POEM. In one hour. Extra credit for working in an Icelandic word. Scrapbook is extremely excited, as Cape Cod Chris just wants to make Ali happy, and Mr.s Donovan has "got this." So does Frank Funke. Mr. Funke, gentle readers, has written "tons of love poems." We suspect that he is also one of those men who monopolize the karaoke machine in the bar, singing love song and drinking pink things with umbrellas until thisside of trashed. But suddenly, Not Trista's Ryan has opened his mouth! We don't hear what he has to say, so shocked are we.

And off we go:
1. Tyumbo: something something about how Ali can "rock" anything she wears (including the ginormous bunny butt she has shoved on her head).
2. Craigslist: "At the end of this journey. I want to be your man." Oh come on, Craigslist. Use that big ol' expensive legal education. Throw in a little "heretofore" and a dash of Latin. We are so disappointed.
3. Mr.s Donovan: "In the mind and heart of one thought, my body is cold as Ice (he's willing to sacrifice, My Loves). The belief in what's to come. Transformed that thought to become very precise."
4. Justing RR: "When I look at you, you could be the one."
5. Cape Cod Chris: "I want to take you to meet the fam. I'll even make you some eggs and ham."
6. Not Trista's Ryan: "Ali. I believe. We need to go out. Heat up. Iceland. And head out. The [something] that have been waging out here today. Have brought me. These thoughts to say. I want to melt down. This is pretty much me. Getting to know you. Um, I forgot my lines."
7. Frank Funke: "Some time ago, I traveled overseas [for like six minutes]. Where a girl that I loved made me weak in the knees. Then I looked in your heart, new love blah blah blah blah."

We interrupt this Poetry Slam for a BNU Public Service Announcement: Run Ali, Run. Frank Funkek is that boy we all dated in college who took secret art shots of himself with his shirt off. Not Trista's Ryan is that date who "always liked a nice skirt steak." Justin RR is that boy who we always suspected Shaved His Chest. Mr.S Donovan is the same Art Shot Taker post-rejection, telling us that we look like an ostrich with short hair (that one still hurts us, babies). Craigslist is the first date who suggested, "let's blow this popstand." Tyumbo is the one who liked the "view from behind." Not Trista's Ryan is, well, oh dear. The point being: All of these people are a World Of No. They are the stories one keeps in the Secret of One's Heart until they burst forth Unbridled onto the interwebs for everyone to see that yes, the World Can Be A Better Place if just one more woman is saved from men who wear mesh shirts and yet still go on to author self-help books. That is all.

Scrapbook wins the contest. Not only does he walk TO the Big Fedotowsky to poetize her, but he also had some sort of nice poem that we did not write down because none of these were worth the ink. But Scrapbook is thrilled because "we've built a good connection." yes yes, she likes your shoes, you like her purse.

So on Scrapbook's 1:1 date with Ali, they go . . . shopping together. We are already fighting hard against the conviction that Scrapbook is Secretly Gay, and it is Not Helping when he tries on a series of womens' clothing, only to settle on matching mohair sweater outfits with Ali. And he hasn't dated anyone for longer than one year. AND he is nervous to tell the Big F his "history." DOUBLE AND "To be honest with you, I've dated some great women. I can't say a bad thing about them." Gay. Gay. Gay.

But then: As Scrapbook and Ali eat dinner at the Himmelhausensomething, he reveals that five years ago, he was 8th in the country in the 1500 run, and suddenly got so sick he didn't think he would live. After tests and doctors and research, his mom figured out that the house he had moved into was previously condemned for mold, babies! And it had poisoned him! Oh!!!! And through this life-altering experience, he has realzied that he wants to find that partner who makes him a better person!! We feel bad bad bad now. Of course, Ali gives Scrapbook a rose, which we feel he should give to his mother. We have a newfound respect for Scrapbook.

Meanwhile, back at the Hilton (because that is totally where WE would stay if we were in Iceland too), we have learned that the group date is for Roberrrrrto, Cape Cod Chris, Not Trista's Ryan, Craigslist, Tyumbo, and Frank Funke. Oooo, this means Mr.s Donovan and Justin R R are going on the 2:1. As Mr.s Donovan freaks out to the window, Frank Funke comments that he feels this experience may be pushing Mr.s Donovan "off the ledge." You see, Mr.s Donovan "got this tatto to be a man. To be a man for that woman." Now it's "do or die" time. Mr.s D is a "dreamer. Believer. He has the heart to love. He has the heart to give. Physical pain means nothing to him." He "likes pain, but emotional pain will destroy" him. Good grief.

There are so many things wrong with tis that we don't even know where to start. And also, if a person is going to get a tattoo to "be a man," it ought to be something like a big hamburger. Or a lawn mower. You know, if we are going to talk stereotypes.

Oooo, but here is the group date!!! As Ali greets the boys, Tyumbo must comment that she "looked awesome standing there with eight horses." Of course he must say something like this. And also, WTF. Unfortunately, Tyumbo is a big cowboy, and so he is able to Rock This Date like no other dude can rock it. We are only mollified by the City Slickers music playing in the background as we are treated to minute after minute of horseback riding around on a tundra. Except this is our thing (all of us). Just this very day, we were treated to a Most Painful Conversation from Which We Could Not Escape. And it was the following:
Receptionist at Doctor's Office: 'My niece works with horses all day long. She does the breeding. You know, she just hooks them up and gets the . . . stuff. They get paid a lot for that, but they don't do it very often. I don't know why, because it's just hooking up the machine and then waiting 10 minutes for the "stuff." So my niece, she hooks the horses up to the machine a lot more than the others do. She doesn't date now, but I told her that when she starts dating men, she's going to be really disappointed.'
KLo: [insert strangled silence].
And this, my gentle readers, is the THING THIS VIEWER CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT as she watches the boys fanny around on horseback until the Big Fedotowsky stops beside a giant hole in the ground and exclaims, "why, whatever is this?!?" Sayeth KMu: "This is like one of your damn romance novels, KLo." Sayeth Tyumbo, "Oh my gosh, we're fixin' to go in a cave!" Sayeth Cape Cod CHris, for the win: "What's gonna happen next? We're gonna play with snakes?"

C-cubed, super-sly, manages to get himself down in the cave first, convincing Ali to follow for a little 1:1 time. As he gentlemanly offers Ali his gloves when her fingers get cold, KMu mutters something about "fun and games" and "someone loses a digit." Meanwhile, Frank Funke is off in a corner whining about how he has "traveled halfway around the world to fall in love with Ali. Now I'm on a date with all of these guys." Though we have Refused to Record all previous complaints, we have now Had It. As has, apparently, Ali, who notes that Mr. Funke has been "non-existent" on this date. So has ABC's filming of Roberrrrto, which is breaking our hearts. Damn you, ABC.

Anyway, the group survivies the cave, only to travel to Blue Lagoon Islan, a lake that has "healing powers." We sing "oh healing river," as KMu becomes convinced that Wilfred Brimley is going to scream for them all to come in the water any minute. Instead, we get Ali stripping down to a swimsuit, with the menfolk scrambling after her to findn and don swim trunks. We see crack!!! So excited are we with the hopes that said crack belongs to Roberrrrto that we rewind three times to discover it is . . . Le Crack de Craigslist. We feel that someone has put a pickle in our peanut butter sandwich.

By now, the BIg Fedotowsky is getting drunker by the minute. "Wanna go exshplore?" she asks Cape Cod CHris, as the two go off into the corner of the pool. We secretly love C-cubed, not only for rhyming "fam" with "ham," but also for convessing that he feels cloudy in his head when he kisses the Big F. But blah blah Frank Funke is jealous. He becomes even more jealous as Tyumbo steals Ali away for more kissing in the corner. Finally, Mr. Funke is able to break Ali away into some random room, where she chastises him for being absent mentally. "It's not about them," says she. "It's about whether WE have something."
"Do we?" broodingly asks Frank.
SERIOUSLY?!?!??? Stupid film student fake artist crapnugget.

Fortunately, after "serioussshly the most ammmazzzihng day," Ali decides that, "Tonight, I'da lihke ta give the roze ta the guy who no mattehr what happensh alwayhs was there for me." Tyumbo. Aaaaaand .. . . Frank gets jealous.

But once again, back at the Hilton, Justin RR is making big plans fo rthe night. He has gotten his cast off, and is now in a Molly Brown Boot (which our sister once hawked during her musical theater days in Branson, MO. True story. We have one at home, with a garter around it.). Mr.s Donovan is a basket case in a burberry scarf. Maybe it is just us, but we siimply do not feel that a man should wear burberry. Particularly with the itty bitty patent leather boots he is wearing. He looks like a doll our mother made when we were little. Mr.s Donovan hopes that "when I show her my tattoo, it will prove that I will go through any amount of pain to find love with her." Oh, he is such a Smart Cookie.

Soon, Ali is picking up Justin RR and Mr.s Donovan in a helicopter to fly over a VOLCANO. We suddenly don't care about the rest of this date, and become irrationally annoyed when the helicopter carrying Ali and the Twin Peaks keeps getting in the way of the image of the volcano errupting. This is the coolest date ever, and we feel very sad for ALi that she must share it with these two guys. Particularly when the go into an ice cave to sit on. . . a Brown Kitty. Then again, maybe it's the ame Kitty from Season Big Daddy through the present, now showing its travel-stained self when laid against fresh ice. If Fur Could Talk.

So as Ali and Justin RR chat inside the ice cave, poor Mr.s Donovan sits outside it, sipping hot chocolate in his damn burberry scarf. Justin RR says nothing new but manages not to come across as completely batshit, so we know he will be safe. And then it is Mr.s Donovan's turn. Says Ali, "Back in NY, I asked Kasey not to be so mushy gushy. THe only thing he has to be now is . . . normal."

Really, Big F? That is not even an entire step above this viewer's requirements of Cleanliness and Presence. And that is just sad.

And yet, Mrs. Donovan cannot do it. As ALi and the Big F sit together in the cold. Mr.s D asks "how do I prove my sincerity? My genuine heart? I got a tattoo."
Ali: "What?!? When?"
KMu: Let me translate: "You CRAZY."
Mr.s Donovan: "If you count the studs, 11 studs. There are 11 studs chasing you [and, as we learned from our dear friend the receptionist, when one of them finally catches up, she will be so disappointed]. When I got this, it changed my life in so many ways. When you give me the final rose, I'll be giving you one too." Aw, looks like Mr.s Donovan has decided to give Ali his "flower."

We all know where this is heading, so let's just get it over with: Justin RR gets the girl. As they fly off in the helicopter, Mr.s Donovan is left to walk the frozen tundra by himself after telling her he "hopes it works out." Harsh.

Finally, we are at the rose ceremony.

Frank Funke gets a little 1:1 tiime, in which he says he learned a big lesson at the group date about remaining engaged in the process. We are disappointed in Ali because she seems to be doing all the work for him, trying to keep him in the game. Craigslist, with whom Ali has zero chemistry, pleasantly surprises us in the 1:1 time, showing her a fake tattoo a la Mr.s Donovan and joking about how he is an expert in group dates. But when it comes to Not Trista's Ryan, we are hiding behind the afghan once again. Ali wants to know something about him, and he literally says the following:
"My ex-girlfriend said that I was so funny."
[chirp chirp]
"I like Mexican food."
Our favorites (all of us) are still cape Cod Chris and Roberrrrto. C-cubed says that if he could be half the husband his father was, he would be awesome (oh!!!!) and Roberrrrto is generally his sweet self.

But now it's time for the pickin.' After Chris Harrison plays armchair psychologist and suggests to Ali that she is not ready to "let herself" fall in love, she insists that there are a few boys she could maybe almost sorta see herself with in the future. And she picks, to join Tyumbo and Justin RR. . .
1. Frank Funke
2. Cape Cod Chris
3. Roberrrrrto
4. Craigslist.

Yup, Not Trista's Ryan is going home, a "little shattered." Stay tuned for next week, when we are in Istanbul, Turkey, Tyumbo gets a 1:1 date, and someone has a girlfriend!!!! (and also, if this viewer does not get to see more of Roberrrrto, we are going to Stage A Revolt.)

-- KLo

BNU Part Teensy TIme Delay

Babies, work demands call.
We must wait a few hours to get back to y'all.
The BNU shall ride again tonight,
rather than with the early morning sunlight.
Our love for all the bachelors shall be shown.
Almost like Frank Funke's shitty love poem.

-KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 4: Unicorn Love

Babies, we have some exciting news. The Bachelorette will be taking her boys. . . .around the world!!!! We are pretty sure that this is also a Kissing Game that we would not want our fictional daughters playing in any person's closet. Amendment: except with Roberrrrrrrrto. Or HOT JESSE. Anyway, "How far would you travel to fall in love?" asks Chris Harrison. Well, back in our experimental internet dating days, exactly 30 miles from home and no further. And so begins Part 4 of the Big Fedotowsky.

We are immediately irritated by Ali, who is wandering the streets of NYC with over-the-knee boots (we know they are popular, but cannot get past the chafing) and, what is that? "She actually looks stylish there with her fake hair," says ABe. The Big Fedotowsky is going for a "Fashion Consult," with some person named Paul, gentle readers. You know, to pick a "series of outfits to feel the best." We are torn between wanting our own Fashion Consult and our sincere belief that said consult can Only Lead To Bad Things, such as a forced separation from our fuzzy pants. Ali claims not to be a Fashion Person, which we can confirm by the fact that she is wearing ginormous pink heart earrings. We may or may not have once possessed two sets of wooden earrings (giraffes and parrots), but it was the 90s then. And also, this viewer is not on the In Style Fashion Shoot (surprise). We watch Ali pose with Paul and her various outfits for In Style and secretly think about how boring this show became ever since they introduced the Photo Shoot.

Oh, but here we have a little plane going from LA to NYC, just so that we know where it is!!! And the boys were given a webcam to film their sojourn, which we thankfully don't see much of.

Soon, the first date card is upon us:"Let's do what comes naturally." And it's for . . . Mrs. Donovan!! We are terrified that we will not understand a word of this date. "Mwah mwah mwah could be better spending time with Ali" Mwah mwah mwah. Oh my. Mrs. Donovan has been "wanting this date soooo bad," my dears. He wants to "capitalize on this unrealized potential." It is like he is talking through cellophane. But as Ali appears, Mrs. Donovan loses his shizz: "You can't fantasize how good that woman looks. So many emotions are going through my mind and body that I can't even put a pinpoint on them right now." We don't know what to say.

Fortunately, Cape Cod Chris does: "When Kasey thinks about Ali, he thinks of doves flying up behind her, cupid hitting her with an arrow, hearts floating behind her head, magically running towards each other with unicorns in a meadow. I don't think of her that way. Not like Unicorn Love." ahahahaa. So, this viewer's sister went through an extended period of deep and abiding Unicorn Love during her tween years, which very nearly resulted in a bedroom papered with unicorn head walpaper. Now we know where said paper came to rest.

Anyway, off Mrs. Donovan and Ali go on a helicopter . . . to a picnic location on some beach. Did Ali take Mrs. D to Staten Island? All we are hearing from Mrs. Donovan is "oh man. No way. Wow." Mrs. Donovan, babies, views Ali as this "beautiful butterfly" looking for love. Yes yes, butterfly in the sky. I can fly twice as high. "Just take a look, it's in the book, the reading rainbow!!!!!" sing KMu and ABe. But suddenly, we are blindsided by an Afghan Moment, having seen nothing of this date whatsoever, when Mrs. Donovan breaks into real and SUDDEN AND UNEXPLAINED STREAM OF CONSCIENCE SONG: "When I was flyyyyying. In the heeeeelicopter over this amazing CIty. I looked to my left. And there I saaaaaw something. So PRETty. [insert awkward pause]. And at the eeeeend. Of tooooonight . I am not just your Average Joe. But I hoooope in my hindsiiiight. I'll see and find a rose."

Oh. My. God. All we hear is the cacaw of the turkey vulture circling Mrs. Donovan, waiting for Ali to walk away so that it can Rip Out His Vocal Chords.

But it continues. Off we go to see dinosaurs in the Museum of Natural History. Ooo, is is this where El Piloto lives? (Jake? Is a Pilot !?!). Ali admits that Mrs. Donovan is a "little cheesy" with the singing, but "hopes he can be real." Our confidence in his abilities to do just that is waning, as Mrs. Donovan yells "HA" to scare Ali and then chases her around the museum to a musical interlude by Saved By the Bell, until coming to rest in front of some Apes, who he "talks to," about Ali. At this point, we are so traumatized that it Cannot Get Any Worse. Until . . . .

Stuffed Kitty. Under a dinosaur. In the middle of the floor. With votives all around. As Mrs. Donovan and the Big Fedotowsky are eating dinner on the Kitty Re-Imagined, she asks him: "How is this different from your other relationships?"
"Well, this girl's real," says KMu.
But Mrs. Donovan goes full-on Boiled Bunny: "One reason, and one reason only. Because you're Ali. I can honestly say that I choose to be here for you at this moment. I choose you. And I hope that someday, you can choose me." He wants Ali to "jump in and stay awhile" in his heart, gentle readers. And he is prepared to Guard and Protect hers. And then he SINGS AGAIN: "The niiiight that I first saw you. I was staaaring through that glaaass. And I knew. At that first MOment. That you and I would laaaaast. On the beach in CalifornIA. You made me start to believe. And now we're in NY Cittyyyyyy, and it's just you and me. And tonight you've got this roooose, and I don't want to feel it's thoooorns [oh no he DIDN't]. And if you choose me Ali, I'll be forever yoooouuurs."

This viewer has been through many shit performances in her life, one of which involved a drama student singing "Iiiiiin flammaaaaatus. Iiiin flammatus et accccennnsus" off-key as DANCERS read BIBLE VERSES. yes, babies. This viewer has been Through The Fire. As such, we are wholly Unsympathetic for Mrs. Donovan when he says, to fill the awkward pause, that this song just kinda "came to him" because "that's what Ali does." She "inspires him."

Unfortunately for all of us, Ali is not as cut throat as are we. Though she hangs her head in shame and refuses to give Mrs. Donovan a rose, she KEEPS him. WTF.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the next date card has come for. . . Robeerrrrrrto, HOT JESSE, Craigslist (in a trucker hat. Sidways. RAGE.), Harry Potter, Frank Funke, and Scrapbook. Mr. Funke is totally uncharitable to Justin R-Rated, who must stay at home with silent film star, Not Trista's Ryan. "Go home, wrestler," says he. "You're not going to get a date. Ever." Harsh.

Off they go to Times Square ["Wait, did you see an SUV?" asks KMu], where The Big Fedotowsky is blowing pink hearts out of her mouth as the ticker tape reads, "If you want a rose, come find me." At . . . The Lion King. Mr. Potter opines that the "forecast looks good today." But we don't care, because the boys have found Ali and she is in a tiara. A TIARA, babies. And she wears said tiara right into dress rehearsal for "Can you Feel the Love Tonight?" sung by two POC to the tune of a piano played by a gay man. We love that ABC is sensitive to diversity. Says Scrapbook, "I've never seen a production like this before!!!" Sayeth KMu: "For the record, there is no production right now."

Only Robbeerrrrrto seems congizant of the fact that Thomas Shumaker, the producer of The Lion King, has won a Tony, and that this is a Big Deal. We love you, Roberrrrto (all of us) !!!! We are excited because the boys must Sing And Dance for a chance to have more 1:1 time with The Big Fedotowsky on this date. We are almost more excited by the fact that ABC has forced them to wear biker shorts, different colored t-shirts, and tennis shoes, which was also our sister's required uniform for the fitness portion of the Junior Miss Pageant.

Okay, so: HOT JESSE has the dancing down, and then loses it. And then someone has crazy legs. And then . . . KMu is lost in emotion: "I don't get attracted to asses that much, but Roberrrrto has a hot ass." Yes, yes he does. But we do not have much time to appreciate it, as we are now onto the singing. Tyumbo, who has rarely been seen without his guitar, cannot sing worth shit. But HOT JESSE, out of left field, can!! Sort of. We love us a hot woodworker who can keep a tune. And then, Roberrrrrrto. Oh oh oh he sings directly to Ali! Oh oh oh, this earns him a kiss. And he is the winner!! Surprise: they are going to be in the show. "I'm sorry," says ABE, "but I must point out that this is a show of POC. And the only POC got picked to be in it." Well, Ali too, who is sort of like a faux C with all the tan.

But we are eternally grateful to Mr. Shumaker because soon Roberrrrto is in costume. And that costume is a loin cloth. "I see myself in Roberrrto's circle of life," concludes ABe. Ali, conversely, is in a unitard with spanx underneath (which is the only way this viewer would wedge herself into a unitard ever again, either). Soon, they are practicing swinging in harnesses above the stage as Roberrrrto kisses the Big Fedotowsky's ladybits and the other boys look on like rejected crayons from the mezzanine. And then, it is show time: The boys' sulking has moved a private viewing room as Roberrrto and Ali swing around the stage. Roberrrto is fabulous, saying later that he got "really caught up" in the moment and will never forget the experience. Oh!!! A dancer is born!!! But not Ali, as she is CHEWING GUM the entire time. RAGE. We write this down, and then scream at her to spit out the gum. KMu, who has watched one too many episodes of So You Think You Can Dance with this viewer, translates: "take the f*cking note, Ali." Fortunately for Ali, her transgressions are seen by only a limited few. As the camera pans the audience, ABE observes, "Clearly this was a matinee."

Now we are at a bar, and Scrapbook is wearing a white tie and black shirt. Craigslist is being a tool, which is consistent with his profession, and Mr. Potter is over-analyzing everything. Says Roberrrrto, "the forecast for the weather man: we have a high pressure system coming in." Ha ha, did we say we love him? But he is ripped away from our eyes too soon, as Frank Funke steals Ali for some 1:1 in a rainstorm. Because she is sick, and that is a really good idea. And he drags her out into said rainstorm for this:
"What do you think about . . . . how I'm feeling?" he asks.
Film student tool.
Craigslist goes more for the hard sell in his 1:1 time: "I'm driven, I'm ambitious, and I know you are too." As they talk, Mr. Potter hovers anxiously nearby until finally working up the courage to attempt an interruption. . . only to be shot down by Craigslist with a "give us a couple more minutes." We do not see the charm in Craigslist, who in this viewer's opinion is rather like a Turbo Charged Guppy. Finally, the night ends with 1:1 time for Scrapbook. We hate to say it, but Scrapbook actually earns some points by walking Ali up to her room, NOT making out with her, and then sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed while she falls asleep before blowing out the candles and leaving.

The Big F does NOT give a rose out on this date, as she is feeling poorly.

At last, we have our final date card, for Cape Cod Chris!!! It is his birthday today, so. "Get ready to take a bite out of the Big Apple!" reads the card. Except: crisis. Ali is really sick, and so the day must be changed to . . . time spent with her in her suite. Oooo, he brings her flowers! And not icky flowers, but nice ones! Oooo, and chicken soup!!!! As they talk about the fact that he left NY to be with his dying mother, he reveals that she told him to look for her in rainbows on her death bed (now Abe and Kmue are crying). We like him more and also wonder if ABC will change his age from "34" to "35" on his little electronic name badge.

The Big Fedotowsky rallies as a result of the chicken soup, and decides to take Cape Cod Chris out to eat for seafood. Mmmm, fishes. But we are mainly focused on her spangly jacket that has yet more shoulder pads. We hate this little jacket. The date ends with Cape Cod Chris getting a rose as they dance to music of Joshua Redin on the roof: "I am waiting. . . under a streetlight." We are a little concerned because Cape Cod appears to kiss awkwardly, but we are willing to go with it Just This Once. And also, we have a soft spot for anyone who would wait for us under a streetlight. Except a hooker.

But there is drama back at the house: Mrs. Donovan has gone missing. "We put an ABP out on him. Amber alert." says Mr. Potter. Where could he possibly be?!? "I snuck out today, and it's probably the biggest day of my life. Ali questioned my sincerity, questioned my heart. And so now I'm going to do something I've never in a million years dreamed of doing" and he enters . . . a tattoo parlor. Because nothing says commitment like a tattoo. Just ask Britney. He is getting a heart with a shield, babies. Because that's what he said he would do: Guard and Protect her heart. We just know this is going to work out for him.

And the rose ceremony is upon us! Mrs. Donovan, having worked up the ire of Justin R-Rated and (maybe) others for claiming that he was at the hospital because he burned his wrist, is now the target of Justin's determination to Reveal the Truth because he Cannot Stand A Liar. As we bow our heads in honor of irony, we nevertheless refuse him further air time. Justin RR's machinations are a significant portion of ye old rose ceremony night, but we are ready for JRR to go home and so we refuse, as the BNU guidelines permit, to discuss him. We are much more interested in Harry Potter, whom we learned canNOT sing at all during the Lion King audition, and yet who has nonetheless taken out a guitar to sing to Ali. Because he is, apparently, a "singer/songwriter." We hate to say it, but Craigslist earns a point for making a face about "another guy singing."

Except we must return to Mrs. Donovan, because after all of the calling out by Justin RR, he calls all the guys together to reveal . . . the tat. "I was questioned by the wrestler about whether I was here for the right reasons," says he [everybody drink]. He then dramatically displays his tattoo and says, "I've got a shield protecting the heart, and then I've got the rose. And I put 11 stones in the shield because there are 11 of us left. And you guys are the diamonds in my shield." Tyumbo is now biting his cheek so that he does not laugh. Frank Funke later says, "Getting a tattoo. That proves nothing, except that you're nuts."

So in Mrs. Donovan's 1:1 time with Ali, we are all on pins and needles (okay not really. More like the sofa eating baklava) as Mrs. Donovan announces that he has brought Ali her favorite candy, because "he always wants his favorite candy when he's sick." The last thing this viewer wants when she is sick is candy. Particularly candy that Mrs. Donovan has already eaten part of, which appears to be the case here. But Mrs. Donovan is unstoppable, fervently saying: "I came here. I came here for you. I took to heart what you said, and I thought about it. So I have something to show you real quick. . . . " and Frank Funke comes in. Awesome.

In the end. Mrs. Donovan never shows Ali his creeptastic tattoo. Which is probably why, to join Cape Cod Chris with roses, Ali picks:
1. Scrapbook (in the same white tie and black shirt as worn on the group date)
2. Frank Funke (is he wearing a fleece under his jacket?)
3. Craigslist (WHAT?)
4. Not Trista's Ryan (who probably got a rose for being totally mute)
5. Roberrrrrtoo. Ha cha cha.
6. Justin Rated-R. Boo.
7. Tyumbo. Double Boo.
8. Mrs. Donovan.

WHAT?!?! She dumped HOT JESSE? And Harry Potter? This is completely understandable, to some degree, but in the world of men-who-are-not-going-to-last-another-episode-anyhow, why why why could she not keep HOT JESSE and ditch Mrs. Donovan and Justin RRated. This is a serious lapse in judgment. We are sad for HOT JESSE as he walks away, opining that she may just be more of a city girl than him, but that he's happy to get back to his dogs.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Iceland, Scrapbook wears a mohair sweater, and we learn that Mrs. Donovan got his tattoo "to be a man" and also because he is "a dreamer. A believer."

-Peace,
KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 3: Man on a Wire

Aaaand, we're back for the Big Fedotowsky Part 3, or the second episode in our Bachelorette double header. In case you are just tuning in, Part 2 is down below, in the nether regions of this Part, having only been written yesterday. Oh, there is no better love for you all than a smothering sort. Next week, we will not be recovering from vacaciones or (hopefully) vertigo, and shall be timely. We apologize.

Chris Harrison is once again meeting everyone in the living room to discuss Their Future. Though there are only 14 men left, we still don't know who several of these people are. "Has that person ever spoken," asks ABe about a certain gentleman who looks 2% Ryan of Ryan and Trista. We think his name is Chris N. At any rate, just like last week (or like, 12 hours ago for us), there will be 1 group date and 2 individual dates, and not everyone will have a date with Ali.

But we don't care, because Date Card #1 has arrived, and it is for Roberrrrrto!!!! Craigslist, in a horrifyingly plunging V-neck shirt not previously seen except on women in the J. Crew catalog, reads it: "Love is a balancing act." Oh, Roberrrrrto hops up, convinced that it is going to be a good day! We hop up, convinced that our eyes will not bleed fo rthe 15 minutes of air time that is this date. John C, the hotelier or something, worries that Ali does not even know his name.

Ali, who has just finished welding but not yet stepped into her tuxedo dickey with matching cuff links, walks towards the boys' house in an off-the-shoulder t-shirt with the arms ripped off. So once we were in Long John Silvers (oh yes, babies, we were) and the woman in front of us was both 400 lbs and wearing an oversized t-shirt with the arms ripped out. And no bra. We could NOT look away. And while The Big Fedotowsky looks muchy better in spirit, we still feel that this is the second cousin of Lady Long Johns, which is inadvisable.

The Big Fedotowsky has a picture in her mind of Roberrrrrto, who he is and what could happen (so does this viewer, taped to the inside of our bedroom closet. Le Sigh.). But what if he is not what she thinks? Oh oh oh but he IS. As Ali arrives to fetch him, he lifts her with the mighty strength of his one arm not also holding a beer, and compliments her on her appearance. OH! We instantly forgive both his compliment to Lady Long Johns and the fact that he is drinking already (as it is likely past 10 a.m., and this is essentially vacation for him, thereby signaling that it is a-ok).

They are going on a helicopter ride! Tyumbo whishes it was him with Ali, as he "figers she'll be holdin' ontah someone, and it aint' gonna be the pilot," due to her fear of flying. We are starting to really not like Tyumbo, who is not that smart and also appears to be one of those men who likes to "educate" the rest of the coven by dramatically making really obvious statements. But ooooooo, we like Roberrrrrto. He is kissing Ali's hand in the helicopter! He is telling her to hang onto him if she is scared! He is hugging her! And also, he is wearing a plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up! We LOVE a plaid shirt!! As, apparently, does Ali. She concludes that Roberrrrto is "protective and manly," may be the person for her, and is certainly the person to go all Man on a Wire to get to dinner that evening.

Yes, babies, they are tight-roping it between two buildings, over a racing six-lane intersection, to get to a rickety dinner table on the other side. Ooooo. If we were that far up, we wuld most certainly pee ourselves, and our solitary comfort would be in the cars going by not noticing anything but a slight misting in the air.

Roberrrrto, still not screaming like a little girl, takes to the tightrope with complete calmness that we would not be feeling. "When you get nervous, look over at me and we're good," he says. Roberto! Ohhh!!!! After a cheesy little interchange about falling for each other, they walk across the tightropes, stopping in the middle for a First Kiss. We shall suspend our disbelief at the likely awkwardness of kissing whilst in a push-up against another person, trying nto to collapse and die a fiery death in traffic down below. Says Roberrrrto, "when I look in Ali's eyes, it's captivating. Makes me think of what could be." As they cross the finish line and turn to watch the sunset, he tells the Big F that he "really hopes to watch a lot more of these" with her. Okay, we LOVE Roberto.

But our love is momentarily ripped away, as we must watch the boys eating hamburgers back at the ranch. Steve is hoping he gets a date. We would like him to change his necklace first. Meanwhile Justin Rated-R is telling Harry Potter that if he had the cast off his foot, he would have been the guy in the helicopter instead of Roberto. We think Justin RR is being a tad presumptious here. Poor Cape Cod Chris, however, is more suitably humble, wishinghe could "make an adventure" with Ali.

And suddenly, it appears: Date Card #2! This is for a group date with, of course, a bunch of dudes whose names we miss but might include Scrapbook Kirk, John the Hotelier, Frank Funke, Harry Potter, Craigslist, and Cape Cod Chris. "Come on Rock my World" says the card. Mrs. Donovan concludes this must be a karaoke date and really wishes he could go along to seranade Ali. WHAT? We secretly wish we could hear a gerbil blow through a bagpipe, too.

Back on the Big Fedotowsky's date with Roberrrrrto, he is now revealing that Spanish is his first langauge, but that he also is a "languages guy" and learned some French and Italian because he wanted to travel to those places. We love him. LOVE HIM. And we do not quite know how he got stuck on this show. But ALi, focused on what is Most Important, worries if she's "pretty enough" for him. You know, which is "rare" because "not many guys can make her feel that way." Oh yes, ALi, we can COMPLETELY identify with you, as we frequently feel that we are far prettier than the rest of humanity as well. Thank God we have these sweatpants, to conceal All That Hotness.

Suddenly, Roberrrrto and Ali are lying awkwardly on the rooftop, heads beside the table from whence they just ate dinner, on a couple of blankets and throw pillows. We wonder where the Kitty could possibly be until KMu points out that it likely needed to retire after El Piloto and Le Sausage got to it last season. Okay, if it were this viewer, we would not be able to get off the floor. And also, we are confident that we would not be wearing a dress with shoulder pads, even if we were so Blindingly Pretty as to Pull It Off. But Ali, shoulderpads and all, requests that Roberrrrrto give her a kiss in Spanish (which she learned from a rap song). He, of course, gets the rose. YAY.

And now, the group date is upon us. Frank Funke is super-excited, as he is still so confident in his connection with the Big Fedotowsky as to be unworried of the competition. As the boys travel to a deserted section of LA, Cape Cod Chris worries that it "looks like there could be gang wars" where they are headed. Which would be AWESOME. And also, is the reason Ali, all blondified, is standing in the middle of a road by herself.

After hugs all around, the Big Fedotowsky takes her group of menfolk to hear. . . . the BARENAKED LADIES sing in a parking lot. WHAT? Scrapbook says "some of my best high school days were spent listening to their music." We love us some BNL, but what what WHAT are they doing here, and why why WHY are they going to shoot a music video with these people? This canNOT be real. Craigslist, who has never been in a music video before, mentions how jealous all his budies would be back home. Ah yes, we expect to find him on television in several months singing "Lawyers on the Square" to the tune of "Riders on the Storm," having recently discovered both a love of self-promotion, an inflated view of his own photogenicity, and a desire to marry the two in his career going forward.

At any rate, the Barenaked Ladies' new music video will be for the song "You Run Away." Which is "about trying to get someone to fall for you, but that person keeps running away." Frank Funke, full of wonder and Peter-Pan-Film-studentness, makes the deep deep connection between the experience of the song and Every Man: "This song. It's the situation we're all in with Ali." And Craigslist, practicing his lawyer skills to tell us what he's going to say and then tell us again, observes the song "is about love falling away from us. And we can all relate because we're 14 guys, and we all want Ali." A+ in 8th grade English, you two.

So now we have some scripts, and the men are comparing htem to determine who has the best. Scrapbook is pleased to "roll around and giggle and kiss." But Harry Potter, for whom the Big Fedotowsky is supposed to "succumb to passion" after pulling a book off a shelf, is a complete mess. Oh, a first kiss, and ON CAMERA in front of everyone?!? He can't handle it. Let's just pause for one moment in honor of irony. Craigslist, trying to be helpful, suggests, "Just imagine you are in the middle of a weather forecast and have to make out with a girl." Romantic.

First up for filming is Frank Funke, who just knows "by the way Ali is looking at me" as he puts sunscreen on her, that it's not "part of the scene." Oh, but a slap in the face is! Cape Cod Chris wants to wathc the slap 48 times, which is a little funny, but Frank Funke only had to endure 9 takes. Scene #2 is with John the Hotelier, something about her leaving the tub as soon as he gets into it. Scene #3, with our little Little Harry Potter, is sad. He wants it to be "really good," but, you know, if she "isn't comfortable kissing or something on screen," then he will completely be a gentleman and change the script. Again, a pause in honor of irony is necessary here. And also, Harry Potter is a Weenie Tot. Alli tells him to man up, the kiss is horrible, and Harry Potter consequently starts to CRY, babies. Which of course leads to a big hug, Ali giving him a "really good, passionate kiss," and ABe freaking out because HP then proceeds to chicken scratch the Big Fedotowsky's back. At this point, we are in full-on kissing mode as we blaze through the last few scenes. Chris N (who the frick is this person?) has some sort of scene along those linjes, and then Scrapbook clears the room by rolling around with Ali in fake bed, kissing as the crew shouts "cut cut CUT." Deeply observant, Frank Funke feels that things "aren't quite right."

At last, we are at dinner with a bunch of tea lights and HOT JESSE! We didn't know he was on this date! As ALi is off having 1:1 time with Cape Cod Chris, in which he reveals that his tattoo is of his dead mother's name, in her handwriting (a little creepy), Scrapbook is all "So, there are a couple of us that got kisses, like myself, but do you think it's enough to have a connection?" Seriously dude, that is the most pathetic attempt to rub salt in everyone else's wounds ever. And also, you look like a salmon. Frank Funke is still "confidnet" in his connection with Ali (you know, the one forged on a garbage heap at the end of the Hollywood Sign in Part 2, and that nothing could break). Harry Potter, in this viewer's windbreaker from 3rd grade, desperately wants to talk to Ali because he was "just nervous" with the kissing. After an incredibly awkward conversation with her, he is then confident that the safety rose will be his. ABe has no use for these delusions of grandeur, as she is en fuego over Ali's hair. "Extensions are only for black people!!!" she screams, followed by an apology for her "black people's turrets."

Because this date is interminable, Scrapbook now drags the Big F into the hot tup to "solidify" that what he felt with Ali while kissing her was "real." Frank Funke is becoming psychotic as the kissing continues, and we are all disappointed when Scrapbook gets the safety rose. We are only slightly molified by our opportunity to watch the music video just created. "The song represents a lot" of what Ali is "going through right now." You know, Running. Away.

We think this date is at last at an end, as date card #3 has arrived at the house: "Home is where the heart is," it says. And it's for . . . Hunter!!! Says Mrs. Donovan, "Mwah mwah maybe taking mwah San Francisco mwah?"

As Hunter is very uninteresting, we turn to a little intrigue happening at the house while Hunter gets ready for his date. Justin RR, babies, has decided that it is "crucial" to get more 1:1 time with Ali. Which is why he has hopped to the second POC to grace the show (a security guard, naturally) to point the way to Ali's house. Oh, he is going to visit her because, "Chris Harrison always says you've got to seize every moment." Okay, CH is NOT Mr. Miagi.

But by now, Hopalong Cassidy is heade3d down the road towards Ali's house. As the Big F is filming her intro for her date with Hunter ("I picked Hunter for the date today because our relationship has been so up and down. If he can't hang out with me, that's it." Oooo), suddenly Justin RR rounds the bend. Ali is, naturally, "shocked." Justin whips some photos out from somewhere (his cast? His underpants?) and tells his life story of an absentee father. We know we're supposed to like him, except he just hobbled two miles on crutches and Ali is now snuggled up in his armpit. Ew.

As Ali drives Justin RR back to the house, we see Hunter again, "ready to open up and let her see" himself in some "1:1 time between me and her." Rage RAGE against the bad grammar. Hunter looks like a monkey, but Justin RR is continuing his descent into the Pit of the Poop List, as he informs the group (without telling them where he'd been all afternoon) that he would "do anything to spend time at Ali's house" like Hunter is apparently getting to do.

While Ali warns that this is a make-it or break-it date for Hunter, they don aprons (because their "life together would be like" this) and make burgers. Ali confesses that she feels bad for her father, who changed jobs in order to support her mother through nursing school. Hunter says he'd happily stay at home if she wanted to have the main career, which we appreciate, but this is just not going well. After dinner, Hunter and Ali sit side by side in the hot tub talking awkwardly about nothing before he finally kisses. . . . her shoulder. One time, this viewer went on a first date in which the man in question talked of his business line of credit, heating appliances, and whipping up a little pretzel recipe for a party that evening. As our ears bled then, so too do our ears bleed for Ali. Hunter does not get the rose.

Back at the house, Mrs. Donovan is calling Justin RR out for claiming that he would give up "everything" for Ali. Justin dissolves into tears, saying yes he WOULD give up everything to have a family, that his dad wasn't there, and that he wants nothing more than to be there for his family. We are now confused, not knowing if this is real emotion or bullshit, particularly as Justin jubilantly screams "bye dude, we'll miss you" as the set guy comes to haul off Hunter's luggage. He is a little too celebratory, in our opinion.

But the rose ceremony is upon us, and we are loving Ali's dress, por fin. It is grey. It is sequiny in the right places. And we are even liking her some for giving a toast to Hunter at the beginning of the ceremony, which we feel is classy (all of us). First up: 1:1 time with Cape Cod Chris. Oh, they both love oysters and the see (nobody tell HOT JESSE). He is the oldest of three boys, likes to be active, and plays something or other called "flip flop." Meanwhile, Frank Funke and Scrapbook are talking about how they've gotten "a lot closer than all the other guys" to Ali, so now it's particularly hard to "watch this" as she hangs out with other men. Seriously, Frank Funke, what happened to your unchained melody of love?

In 1:1 time with Justin, Ali declares that the hiking to her house on crutches "showed me soooo much that he would do for me as my husband." Justin says that after said hike, a "particular individual" called him out regarding whether he was there for the "right reasons" (oh for the love, everybody drink). Ali compares him to Vienna, and before we can comment on how well THAT one worked out, Steve is setting up a private picnic for the Big Fedotowsky in the front yard. Okay, +10 for the picnic. . . . and =50 for the chapstick he slathers on before bringing her over for some champagne he can't uncork. After 5 minutes of straining and commentary by Steve about his delicate fingers, Ali is like "no seriously dude, let me do it." Steve later says he believes Ali was "attracted to" him for his inability to open the bottle, therby confirming that the Ways of Man remain a mystery for at least this viewer.

But as this is happening, the inevitable lynching of Justin RR has already begun. Tyumbo preaches slowly and methodologically to the crowd that with Justin, "we are seeing one thing. Ali sees another." Then another gem: "It's like Jekyl [place left hand in the air] . . . and Hyde [place right hand in the air]." Brilliant. Naturally, Justin RR bumps into this and discovers they are talking about him. Tyumbo, unrepentent, is all "yer two faced, man. Karma's a bitch. It's gonna come back and getchu." We hope that when Karma comes, she takes Tyumbo's guitar. And also, his ears (or ours, which might be better). Inevitably, Ali then reveals to Robeerrrrrrrto tha tJustin hopped over to her house before her date with Hunter, whihc leands to a big confrontation between Mrs. Donovan, Tyumbo and Justin RR, and yet more tears by Justin.

Mrs. Donovan is convinced that "justin is very creepy. It's all an act." While Craigslist, who claims he is a "professional bullshit detector" (ahahaha) sya she can spot it a mile away with Justin. In all of this, we heart Roberrrrto the most (we know, shocker) because he is measured. Instead of wailing and gnashing of teeth, Roberrrto simply says he'll be "disappointed if Justin stays." Oh!!!! Roberrrrrto.

And she picks (to keep with Roberrrrto and Scrapbook):
1. Cape Cod Chris
2. HOT JESSE (in denim). KMu wants him as a pinup. Or a body pillow.
3. Chris N (who is this guy. Seriously).
4. Tyumbo
5. Mrs. Donovan
6. Craigslist
7. Frank Funke
8. Harry Potter (nooooo. Weatherman. WTF).
9. Justin RR.

What?!? Steve is crying, as he and a couple other dudes we can't remember are going home. Steve was here for a longlasting relationship, babies, but was left in the dust. He "truly believes" that he and Ali could have fallen in love. We are not so convinced.

Stay tuned for next week, when Ali and some guy get to be the only white people in the Lion King, and Mrs. Donovan finally sings.

KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 2: Baby Got Back

BABIES. We are SO SORRY. We at the BNU had a bit of vertigo from our boat travels, and have been finding it hard to sit and look at a screen without bumping into it. But we are back, if not a little dizzy, and ready for our Bachelorette Double Header. Don't judge the spelling this week, my dears.

So Episode 2 (or double header part 1, to make things confusing) begins with Chris Harrison telling all the boys that there will be two 1:1 dates and 1 group date this week, but (crisis), not ALL the gents will get to go on said dates. We secretly hope Craigslist doesn't go anywhere, as we are already sick of him. And also, he is a lawyer.

But date card #1 arrives before we know it .. . for Frank Funke!! "All signs point to love," it says. Oooo, has ABC finally learned that short simple words and phrases work best with these boys? Cape Cod Chris is sad that the card is not for him, but handles it well. The Big Fedotowsky, meanwhile, is excited to a) date 17 guys, b) date 17 guys who she wouldn't normally date. Yes, Ali, we think it's an *excellent* idea to abandon all qualities you are typically attracted to when going on a speed-dating venture. She is, quite naturally, "impressed by" Frank Funke, but doesn't know if there will be a "spark."

Ali picks Frank up in the Jetsons convertible, which completely breaks down about 5 minutes onto the LA Speedway. We cannot get past the fact that Mr. Funke is completely, utterly unhelpful, does not look under the hood, does not even apparently call for help OR stick his leg out. Of course, the Big Fedotowsky just sees it as Frank F "going with it. " Our feelings do not improve as they decide to walk to the site of their date: Hollywood Blvd. Oh, Ali. This is my sign for you:
Do Not Feed the Film Student.
But she does. As swarms of paparazzi and fans buzz around them, Ali and Frank Funke sign autographs. He is "so proud" to be with her. Of course he is. So where and how can he show his love? By climbing down a pile of rubble to the Hollywood sign, where Frank can sweep Ali into his arms as they spin around joyfully amidst rusting tins and old lettuce. Okay, not really, but it seriously looks like a dump by the Hollywood sign. Yet awed by their surroundings, Ali and Frank Funke gush about how much they have in common.

Babies, Ali wants to know Frankie's "Paris story." And so it goes: he started screenwriting a few years ago. And then, just decided to quit his job and move to Paris. "Oooo!" squeels Ali. "How long were you there?!?" Six weeks, gentle readers. SIX. WEEKS. Seriously. When we were 15, we went away to Ballet school for longer than that. And while we do agree, based on said experience, that six weeks is a sufficient length of time to discover all the ways in which one can hide ones mini-liquors in one's uniform socks, Pollyanna-film-student-Peter-Pan-Man here dreamily describes how he now manages a retail store and writes films in his free time, post Paris. He feels, my dears, that "career will always be there." But love--TRUE love -- if you wait too long, the opportunity for such greatness will be gone forever. We are speechless. Apparently, so is Ali, as she decides to make out instead of speaking.

But we are not done. The car has been fixed, and so now we are off too. . . Park. Seriously. As they toast to each other on the hood of the car whilst looking out over a moonlit LA, we are fixated on the red velvet cupcake Frank Funke is eating. So when our friend KZi got married, she had red velvet cupcakes. And while we will not divulge how many of them we may or may not have eaten, we promise you that it resulted in two things: 1) hovering by said velvet cupcakes for far longer than fashionable, and 2) sitting down for the remainder of the evening to cradle the red velvet baby to which we had just given birth. At any rate, Frank Funke has "all four" qualities Ali is looking for in a man, including (lets count them) : Funny, Smart, and Quirky. We are sad for her that, at this time in her reality television career, she STILL cannot smell a film student peter pan from five miles away.

As Frank Funke gets the rose and rattles on about how "no matter what happens, nothing can shake the connection we have built" in his two hours at the west LA dump with the Big F, back at the men's mansion, Craigslist is drunk and shaking his beer bottle in Justin-R-Rated's direction as he tells JRR that he is not there for the "right reasons." Craig Oompa Loompa hair from Canada is being a crapweasel to generally everyone, first hassling HOT JESSE about his tattoos until Tyumbo hussles him out of the house, and then attacking Harry Potter ("yo, Weatherman.").

This skirmish gives way to the group date for 12 boys!!! Harry Potter, Tyumbo, one of the Chrises, Scrapbooking Kurt, Steve, Craigslist, Mrs. Donovan, Justin-R-Rated, Eddie Munster, and Croompa Loompa. We realize this is not 12, but we really have lost count of all of the names at this point. Oh, but we are in heaven, as this is a Date With A Cause. My dear ones, the bachelors are doing a photo shoot. For charity. Because the Bachelorette franchise likes to "give back." ABC, if you only knew how very much you give back to us at the BNU every season.

We want this calendar. We NEED this calendar. Just THINK of the photoediting possibilities. So lost are we in dreaming of said possibilities that we nearly miss Craigslist, who, opining on the giant red diaper of a speedo he is wearing, says "when I first saw it, I thought 'no way,' but now it feels kinda nice." And also, Harry Potter worries about his chicken legs, because he doesn't "work them out" like Steve (who tells ol' HP that he has "nice legs and a nice ass" to encourage him). Scrapbooking Kirk is excited because Ali leaned up against him, while Eddie Munster is encouraged to "get your telescope erect" by the other men.

At last, Tyumba, all ablaze in geometric mid-thigh swim trunks, decides to sing for like the 3rd time in 3 times he has been on the air, about how he is "lost in the moment. . . something something present time." And also, "they say, they say that love, it don't come eeee----aaassay." While Tyumba feels that he and Ali had a "deep moment" of connection arising from his mediocre song based on something serious he claims to have seen in her eyes, we know what Ali is secretly thinking (all of us). One time, God punished us for sneaking a coworker from our christian camping days into a gay bar to celebrate his 21st birthday. And that punishment was in the form of the skinniest, ugliest, tallest, most frosted-lipsticked drag queen in a tube top, tube skirt, feather kitty, and turban with little stars wound throughout, singing to this viewer. And that song went something like this: "Let me see your pussy, show it to me." For five minutes. And that, my friends, is what we all know Ali is experiencing In This Moment.

ANYWAY, off we go in a big ass SUV to some restaurant or bar, in which we hate Ali's zipper dress but forgive her for the cuteness of her shoes. Tyumbo feels that Ali and he could fall in love. But in his 1:1 time, he must get something off his chest. And that is: he has been married before. For two years at age 27, so um, like a year ago. The divorce was not bad, but he feels tha the was not perfect and learned so many lessons. Blah blah requisite welcoming response from Ali followed by . . . Croompa Loompa making fun of Harry Potter while Ali is otherwise engaged with Tyumbo.

This is our thing: We are not sure who is the biggest Tool here. Croompa Loompa does earn several rotten tomatos for being mean and bullyish. But Harry Potter is a brown belt. He "doesn't want to fight" but he will if pressed. Maybe a quick jab to the face. Maybe a punch to the neck. HP, in his 1:1 time with the Big Fedotowsky, spends all of their tete-a-tete talking about how there is "someone" who is "not right for you, Ali." This man is "dangerous." This man. . "do you really want me to tell you who it is? Because, I don't want to gossip. But . . . well . . . it is. . ." Croompa Loompa. Harry Potter has suddenly taken the lead in rotten tomatos . . and then . . Croompa Loompa! For the win! "Gee, do you think Ali is lying to you?" says Croompa Loompa to HP, "when she says you have a connection? Did she give you a booster chair when you were talking to her?"

And that is absolutely It. This viewer recently had a Work Trama in which we had to sit in a restaurant booth during a Professional Outing. And our feet did not touch the ground the entire time. And also, it was a leather booth. Which means no grip, particularly when one does not wear a suit of natural fibers, which we were not. It was Disaster, babies. We spent our entire dinner trying not to rub inappropriately against the gentleman to our right, as our be-polyestered buttock had no grip against the leather seat, while simultaneously attempting not to slide underneath the table and/or drop something. So Croompa Loompa, you are Dead To Us with your short jokes. Fortunately, Justin R-Rated saves us from opening a Can of WhoopAss on Croompa Loompa with 1:1 time spent entirely discussing who is hotter: "you're so hot." "No, You're hot!" "No, YOU'RE hot" while Mrs. Donovan mwah mwahs about Justin-R-Rated not being right for Ali. In the end, Ali gives the safety rose on this date to Tyumbo. WHAT?

But at last, it is Date 3, with HOT JESSE!!! "Use these, when the time is right," says the date card. No one can figure out who it is for until Roberrrrrrto, taking the box of cufflinks that came with the card, looks at the initials on them and identifies HOT JESSE's initials. Okay, we really like Roberrrrrrto. He's calm. And also, interpretive. But we will also not complain about a date with HOT JESSE even if he is a decade our junior. Here's to us, Mrs. Robinson.

Anyway, HOT JESSE is "hot. Sexy. That's pretty much where I'm at with him," says Ali. Yes, Ali, all of us are right there with you. But he's a "t-shirt kinda guy," who bought his first suit for this show, and so how will he react when the Big Fedotowsky takes him to Vegas for a glamour filled date? "I'm stoked," says he. Ah. So while this date was long, it can be summed up thusly:
Plane. She: afraid of flying. He: "this is rad man" and ignoring her clutches for comfort on his arm.
Ferrari: She drives. He's stoked. Loves a babe who can handle a car.
Pool called "Liquid." Is this not the one where Heidi Montag "revealed" her new body? Regardless, our regard for HOT JESSE begins to grow when he informs Ali that, after trying an oyster for the first time, "If it didn't have lemon juice on it, it would have tasted like shit." ahahahahaa.
Hotel with magic remote-control blinds: We like HOT JESSE even more as, though he is clearly too young, he is polite to the doorman, clearly awestruck by the beautiful surroundings, compliments the Big Fedotowsky on her dress, talks about how much he loves woodworking, and calls her "m'lady." Oh!!! And also, they are dancing after dinner! And also, there is a vampire playing the piano for them!! Jamie Collum, Cullen, whatever. We are confident he eats people (though he does have a nice voice). Aaaaand, HOT JESSE gets the rose!!! While Ali doesn't know that he is right for her, HOT JESSE is "solid, genuine," and we agree. Le sigh.

And now, the rose ceremony is upon us. Croompa Loompa is making us crazy, and so we don't even want to waste words on him (and also, the Big Fetodowsky Part 3 begins in 15 minutes and we are running out of time. crap crap crap). First, a 1:1 with Cape Cod Chris. We like him because he welcomes Ali to "his house," and then says later that he had butterflies and felt that he was melting when talking to her. Oh! But then, we no longer care because it is 1:1 time with Roberrrrto. Bestill our beating hearts, babies. Roberrrto has traveled the world. He's played baseball professionally. And he very calmly, warmly, and nicely teaches her how to pitch a knuckleball. We LOVE ROBERRRRRTO. He is happy: "Something about being around Ali feels right," says he. Oh Roberrrrto, you have a standing invitation to come hang with the BNU whenever Richard the Science Teacher is taking a break.

Meanwhile, as Roberrrrto and Ali are talking, Mrs. Donovan is mwah mwwahing "mwah Ali looks imaginary mwah mwah." This canNOT be his real voice. But we don't get to learn of any secret smurf identity because Frank Funke steals Ali away just as Mrs. Donovan is sitting down with her. That is Stone. Cold. Craigslist informs the masses (omg, we are agreeing with Craigslist. Help us!). Soon Frank and Ali are making out, Croompa Loompa is being an ass to Harry Potter and the world in general, and Harry Potter is telling Ali all the ways he is being said ass. Harry Potter, my babies, "can't allow someone like that to be in Ali's life." Excuse us? We are only comforted by the fact that we know the Big Fedotowsky will "allow" Harry Potter to go home in the next episode or two. Finally, we have an extremely awkward 1:1 time between Croompa Loompa and Ali, in which Ali completely calls CL out on not being particularly "into" her, and CL has no response other than "yeah, um." Unfortunately, Ali reveals that some other dude called Croompa Loompa "dangerous," which leads to yet another 15 minutes of air time in which CL is harassing Harry Potter, so convinced is he that Harry gave him that label (and he's right).

At any rate, in the end, Ali picks to join HOT JESSE, Frank Funke, and Tyumbo:
1. Mrs. Donovan (WTF)
2. Hunter (who has had zero air time this episode)
3. Roberrrrrrrrto. Ha cha cha.
4. Cape Code Chris.
5. Justin-R-Rated
6. Steve.
7. Scrapbooking Kirk.
8. John C (we think this is the hotelier who is going to break out in jazz hands any moment)
9. Craigslist (WHAT?!?)
10. Chris N (less than zero air time. Who is this person?)
11. Harry Potter!!! ("Thank you for having my back this week," whispers Ali. Oooo, Croompa Loompa is pissed).

Poor Eddie Munster is in shock. He has gotten the axe, along with another fellow we don't know and Croompa Loompa. According to CL, ALi "missed a huge opportunity" by not picking him. How fortunate that he can "get back in the saddle quickly." He hopes that there are attractive women on his plane ride home, as he will "need some extra attention" then.

Blech.

Stay tuned for, um, this week. Which starts in 15 minutes!

KLo