Babies, we have an announcement. ABe is The Big Fancy, which is requiring her
to move A Great Distance for Work Items.
In short, she is Abandoning Us, and also the BNU, by the end of Season
YOJO. Please join KMu and This Author in
the Tears and Gnashing of Teeth.
As we discuss ABe’s pilgrimage to The Far Away, YOJO Part 1
starts in the background. Oh, here is Jo
Jo in her unicorn head, and here is Evil Evil Peter Moriarty Brady telling her
that he loves her. And also, some
other horseshit.
Suddenly, it is the present, and Jo Jo is standing beside
the fountain outside this Viewer’s home, contemplating feeling “hurt and
confused” by Peter Moriarty. We also
feel hurt and confused when we contemplate the fountain in our parallel
universe, as it leads to contemplating our neighbors’ adverse possession of
common areas, and also, why one should never live in a condominium. However, Jo Jo is wearing a denim shirt as
she mulls these things, at which we draw the line.
Jo Jo feels
“grateful” in a bikini and on the rocks, and this Author is grateful that she
is neither In nor On either. “Bring on
the men!” she concludes.
ABe: “The thing is that when these men come out, it makes me
think that I don’t actually like men at all.” Word.
But first, Jo Jo must Visit the Elders.
Jo Jo drives up to some random house in LA, where Tiny
Dancer, the Big Fedotowski, and Desiree Who Should be Black sit in a circle and
talk about . . . first kisses, and being
“honest and true” and “focusing on compatibility.” Gentle readers, we hardly listen because Jo Jo
is wearing a Floral Onesie Romper of No.
We at the BNU do not understand any outfit that must be dropped to one’s
ankles in order to Execute a Wizzle and also, we hate this outfit.
ABe: “This advice is
just . . .”
This Author: “Here’s my thing. I wore rompers like that when I was 11 years
old.”
ABe: “I thought you were going to say
something deep and meaningful.”
Tiny Dancer: Lifts a giant wineglass on
her itty bitty spindle, toasts “all the guys you’re gonna date.”
ABe: “Look how TINY the Tiny Dancer’s
arms are. They are so Tiny.”
KMu: “Is she a T-Rex?”
KMu has successfully navigated the childrens’ Bedfordshire,
and so we must Catch Her Up.
This Author: “SO, Jo Jo came . . . “
KMu: “Wait, that happened fast. And there are no men yet, correct? Eventually they will just give her 25
vibrators and call it a day.”
ANYWAY, Jo Jo has gotten herself into a very ha cha cha
sequined dress. We like this dress, but
wish it did not have a fish tail. As she
is navigating said tail, ABC introduces us to a few of the Men:
We meet Grant, a firefighter who the BNU gives a thumbs up
for Super Hotness. Except here is our
thing: according to his website bio, his
WORST date memory is listening to a woman talk about Harry Potter for 20
minutes. That’s right, ladies, don’t
talk about your interests with this one.
We hold our nose and cautiously waive him through.
Next up: 27 year old
Jordan, a former Pro QB who is now in sports broadcasting. Some of you may know him as Aaron Rodgers’
brother. We did not, shamefully. And here is another fun fact about
Jordan: He likes to wear women’s clothes.
Are those women’s denim jeggings, babies? Yes they are.
And also, “what is up with that guy’s hair?” asks ABe.
Next up, we have Alex who rides a motorcycle, is a marine,
has a twin who is ALSO a marine, and we have stopped listening because THERE IS
A KITTY. ON THE TABLE.
The kitty lives!!
We then meet James, age 27, whose secret occupation is “Bachelor
superfan.”
KMu is confused: “Wait I thought that
was OUR secret occupation.”
Then there is Evan, a 33 year old pastor from Nashville who
is also the director of an erectile dysfunction clinic and also, has a terrible
terrible boy band haircut. He has “mojo
for Jo Jo.”
And also, Ali Zahiri, whose parents emigrated from Iran to
the US, where his brother became a surgeon, his sister became a pharmacist, and
he became a super hot bartender whose big hook is playing a white piano covered
with wine bottles.
We are saved by Christian, a 26 year old telecomm consultant
who hits the gym at 4 am every day.
Aside from that nonsense (though we *do* hit the computer at An
Unsightly Hour for You, Gentle Readers), Christian breaks our heart a little by
explaining that he is biracial and did not know his father until he was older
because his father’s father was racist.
Now Christian seems close with his family, or at least his two hot brothers.
“Don’t mess this up, ABC.” Demands ABe.
Next we have Luke from a small town in Texas. He is a war veteran, was a platoon leader in
Afghanistan, and now does items such as training horses and talking to the cows
(“hey girls.”). We sort of like him,
except he looks a bit like an ashen Chris Isaac. No Iiiiiiiiiii don’t wanna
fall in love. We also don’t understand
why they make him lean up against the barn with his knee bent.
ABe: “They all look
like they are posing for senior pictures.”
And then it happens. ABC
tells us that Jake Pavelka from season Jake!
He’s a Pilot! Is going to be on
the show. We know that he is no longer
with Le Sausage, but what the actual futon. ABe has fallen off the sofa. KMu and this Author are suddenly very afraid.
We are all screaming.
And with that, the limos arrive. As you all know, This Author Hates this
Episode and also, hates this part of the episode with the Fire of a Thousand Suns,
so bear with us. We lose track of limos
and men as Jo Jo meets:
1. Jordan, who has traded in his mom jeggings for a
suit.
“I hate that weird long top haircut,” says
ABe.
2.
Derek the commercial banker. He is “excited nervous” and tells Jo Jo he
was blown away with her sense of self, which is sexy to him. We would like to believe that is really true,
but do not.
3.
Grant, the firefighter who is both yummy and
makes no sense: “I’m not going to do what Ben did last season and fall in love
with two women,” says he.
KMu: “Um, because she is the only women?
ABe: “that does leave the men . . . so yes, that would be different.”
4.
One of several Jameses, who owns a boxing club. He
says he came here for a relationship, not a rose.
5.
“Robby,” a former competitive swimmer. Robby brings Jo Jo a bottle of wine, from
which they drink directly. “My mom will
like him,” Jo Jo tells the camera.
6.
Alex the Marine, who is in the tightest suit
ever. Seriously, he cannot walk in this
suit.
ABe:
“As the daughter of a man who takes particular care with his clothes, I
am bothered by this suit.”
We think it would be amazing to have LBe, who is both terrifying in a
command-respect kind of way and also wonderful, make a guest appearance on this
show. We anticipate that the interrogation
would go as follows:
“Do you vote?
“Do you have a job?
“Take off that damn fool jacket.”
7.
Anyway, we meet Will -- a civil engineer who
drops his flashcards, apparently deliberately, and then stumbles through a non-memorable
intro.
8.
Chad of the luxury real estate, who is A Prime
Douchenozzle. Chad is “excited to TAKE
THIS RUN WITH” Jo Jo, and orders her to follow up with him inside. We hate this man on sight.
9.
Daniel, whose profession is “Canadian.”
10.
Ali the piano-playing bartender. As he gets out of the limo, we gasp.
This Author: “Is he wearing vampire teeth? He IS WEARING VAMPIRE TEETH.”
KMu: He cannot be wearing vampire teeth.”
This Author: “Wait, those are his REAL
teeth.
We are not sure which is worse. We suddenly understand why this episode takes
place in the dark.
11.
James Taylor, a singer/songwriter from Texas who
immediately gets This Author’s hackles up by singing one of his songs (i.e.,
his own, and not Fire and Rain). As the
former girlfriend of a “James Dobson,” we cannot understand parents who
deliberately name their children after famous people. And also:
“They
say love, it don’t come easy,” sings ABe.
“Wes, 2.0., babies.”
12.
Jonathan, who is half Scottish and half
Chinese. And wearing a kilt, which Blows
The Minds of the other men.
Says Daniel of Occupation Canadian:
“That would be like if I got naked on the first day. I mean, play it cool on the first night, man.”
Clearly, Daniel has missed the memo
in which legions of women are perfectly, really A-Ok with a kilt, thank you
Diana Gabaldon and also, Sam Heughan.
13.
Santa Claus. Don’t overthink it.
14.
Chase – We don’t know anything about Chase
except that he says “I moustache you a question.” And then “I’m gonna shave it for later.”
15.
Jake the landscape architect. A man with a job!
16.
Sal, an Operations Manager who gives Jo Jo some
blue stress balls and tells her to “squeeze his balls” if she gets stressed
tonight. Ew.
17.
Coley, another real estate guy hoping he can
“take Jo Jo off the market.” Coley looks
like he is pressing his face into saran wrap, so we doubt he will be
successful.
18.
Brandon, Occupation hipster. He sells himself to Jo Jo by telling her he
knows nothing about her.
19.
James the bachelor superfan.
20.
Some random guy who just did the splits.
ABe: “Can we just all agree to put the ones with
actual jobs up front?”
21.
Vinny?
22.
Peter?
23.
Evan the penis pastor. We
secretly wish he would don a beret and sing “These Canaan days” to us, but it
doesn’t happen.
24.
Wells, a Radio DJ who brought the group “all4 one”
to serenade Jo Jo with “I swear.”
KMu:
“Just to be clear, she was EIGHT when that song came out.”
25.
Christian, on a motorcycle.
26.
Luke the ashey Chris Isaac, on a
unicorn/horse. We don’t like the intro,
but are sort of endeared when the horse starts to wander off and Luke tells Jo
Jo that’s ok because “Coconut’s done, he’s done his job.”
So the rest of this episode is really boring. Alex the marine is the first to steal Jo Jo
away. He uses his time wisely to get to
know her by doing push ups while she sits on his back. This
prompts the other guys to scoff: “Who
CAN’T do a push up with a girl on his back?”
Um. And also, believe it or not
manchildren, but that is just really not on most women’s wish lists.
Jordan of the Jordache Jeans steals Jo Jo from Derek the
Commercial banker and asks her a few questions about herself, which causes Jo
Jo to feel like there may be hope. And
then Will kind of forces a super-awkward kiss. . followed by a real kiss from
Jordan a few minutes later.
KMu issues the verdict: “Not terrible, though he did kind of
unhinge.”
As the first impression rose comes out, the men start to go
a bit nuts. Someone says, because
someone always says, that getting that rose will give a person the leg up. Meanwhile, Chad the Grundle Nugget says that
he is ready to take a wife emotionally and financially. He thinks he is a “manlier, more rugged
version of Ben.” Jo Jo likes what she sees, concluding that he is
“tough but vulnerable.” We at the BNU think he is an asshole.
KMu: “Jo Jo does not
have the best judgment. Does that make
anyone concerned?”
Daniel, Occupation Canadian, uses his time with Jo Jo to ask
her if she has been “following the internet the last several months.” He then starts to enumerate all the alcohol
he has had, and poking people in the belly. Aaaaaand then he takes off all of his clothes
and starts doing body building moves.
Jo Jo tells him to put his clothes on, but he thinks that he will be
more attractive to her if he jumps in the pool instead. We later see him stumbling backwards in his
underpants down the hallway, holding his Chicken Nuggets.
Says the Hipster, for All of Us: “Damn Daniel. . . “
Except Daniel is not the only drunk person trying to woo Jo
Jo with his drunkenness. While Jo Jo is
being interviewed in another room, random guy #1 comes in to say hello,
followed by man-who-can-do-the-splits, who pats her hand and tells her, “I will
never make you beg for my love on the bathroom floor.”
Romance, it is not dead!
Now Ali the vampire bartender is playing Fur Elise. We are supposed to be impressed except we
learned to play that when we were 10. He
adds extra trills while he makes eyeball love to Jo Jo, and we can almost hear
him say, “see what I did there?”
In other highlights, Jo Jo finally takes off santa’s beard
and hat to reveal a super sweaty guy we don’t recognize. Aaaand, the Texans (James Taylor and Luke)
save the day with reasonableness. Except
she gives her first impression rose to Jordache Jeans.
KMu: “Who would have
guessed that the girl would fall for the quarterback. Plot twist!”
This Author: “I don’t like that guys’
haircut style, with the long part on top.”
ABe: “Dude, I have been complaining
about that all night and NOW you notice?”
Kate: “And I run, I run so far away. . .”
The Penis Pastor is talking, but we are not listening
because we see Kilt-man digging for gold underneath his kilt behind him. And then ABe demonstrates that she is With
Us when Chris Harrison announces it is time to hand out the roses:
ABe: “ Wait! I just realized that the men’s roses are boutonnieres. I was looking at them just now, and could not
figure out why they looked so short.”
KMu: “Seriously, 25 seasons AND YOU JUST
NOTICE NOW?”
This author would be surprised except a few seasons ago This
Author told ABe that we would see her on Monday, and she asked us what happened
then. We love you, ABe.
As the men all stand nervously in wait for their fate to be
decided, JAKE! THE PILOT! Shows up.
KMu: “what is he, like 50 by now?”
Jo Jo is thrown off because Jake! The Pilot! Is apparently a
close family friend and almost like a brother to her. What!?!?
Now we know how she got on this show.
Let’s just call what happens next for what it is: mansplaining. Jake the Pilot says he has so
much history with her that he can’t let her go through with this without telling
her he (surprise!) hopes she finds love in the process. And then explains to her how she should feel,
and basically tells her “good girl” when she answers correctly.
We are annoyed.
As Jo Jo continues on to the rose ceremony, the following me
join Jordache Jeans. Full
disclosure: We can’t keep track of them
and so you shouldn’t either.
1.
Luke, the
ashey Chris Isaac.
2.
Wells , the radio DJ.
(ABe, talking to the universe: “ I
repeat, I really think anyone with a legitimate job should get first dibs. I can’t believe I just said ‘first dibs.’)
3.
James Taylor.
4.
Grant, the man who hates Harry Potter.
5.
Derek. But
don’t worry, because Chad the Crapweasel isn’t.
“She be vibin’ on me,” says he.
6.
Christian.
7.
Chad.
Ew. And also, NOOO.
8.
Chase.
9.
Alex the Marine.
10.
Robby.
11.
Brandon the hipster.
12.
James the boxer.
13.
Ali the Vampire.
14.
Saint Nick. Really.
That’s what she calls him and we still don’t know his real name.
15.
Will.
16.
Another James.
17.
Vinny the Bartender.
18.
The Penis Pastor.
19.
Damn Daniel.
Nooo. The landscape
architect goes home, along with the guy that looks like he’s got plastic wrap
over his face, the kilted guy, and some dude from Chicago, among others.
Stay tuned for the upcoming magic, in which we see Jo Jo
walk in the desert, play on a yacht, ride horses, jump in the water, and dance
(yeesssss, our personal favorite). But
we are concerned because we also see that this season is going to be filled
with Chad’s violence and aggression, and that the season promo seems a bit
darker than usual. So, yeah.
See you next Monday, gentle readers.
-KLo
