The Big Fedotowsky Part Men Tell All: Campaign for Craigslist

Craigslist, oh Craigslist, our heart is yours again
With grace, you triumph o'er the other v-necked men.

That's as far as we got in our minds last night, as we were driving home from The. Most. Boring. Episode. Ever.Of.The.Men.Tell.All. All we know is this, and we know it into the very bottoms of our souls: Craigslist should be the host of this show. Because that would be awesome.

But since he isn't, we are going to make this exceedingly brief. We start the Men Tell All not with a live interview, but with a pre-taped segment in which The Big F talks about some of castaways, including Justin R.R., Mrs. Donovan, Scrapbook, and Frank Funke. We mostly cannot get past the spangly sparkliness covering her dress, ginormous wrist band, fashion ring, and head piece. "It looks like she broke an old mirror and put it in her hair," says KMu. This viewer might be having a seizure.

There is nothing new here: we see Justin RR escape through the shrubbery when Ali calls him on his lies, she describes feeling "bad for" Mrs. Donovan when she left him on a glacier after he repeatedly told her that he would "guard and protect" her heart and sang all those *awesome* songs. If we were in advertising, we would COMPLETELY put this person on a deodorant commercial signing about how lady smellinator will "guard and protect." But blah blah now we are on to Scrapbook, and his father's "oh, I just put eyes on a caribou foot" taxidermy display. Yes, Father of Scrapbook, you did, in fact, create the Ultimate Camel Toe. And finally, we see Frank Funke in his Peter Pan Film Student greatness, ditching Ali in Tahiti for Violet the Incredible back in Chicago. Fuckwit.

Oh, haha, but lets look at some *funny* deleted scenes next, which are not really funny but DO include Roberrrrto nearly taking out The Big Fedotowsky's eye with a champaign cork, Frank's father making a jibberish toast (now we see where he gets it), and Ali drunkenly donning an astronaut hat with Mrs. Donovan in their "Night at the Museum" date. "Houssssshton, we haf a problehm." We are en fuego because to witness said scene, a random staffer in a long pony brings Chris Harrison her laptop. THIS COULD BE US. DAMMIT. Screw the campaign for Craigslist. Raise the banner "KLo for Go-Getter: She's Got a Thing for You." Hang it loud, hang it proud babies. Anyway, the last *funny* scene is of wildlife running amok, in the form of a domesticated cat and a peacock, during a date with Roberrto. KMu hopes the peacock is wearing its flight suit.

This is followed by a random segment on Chris the ex-contestant who never talked, and whose "ex girlfriend thought I was funny. . . and also I like Mexican food" being a "phantom" because he would just randomly appear and disappear. As demonstrated by the random appearance of this segment. And of this paragraph.

At last, we meet the Men, most of whom we do not remember because all of the controversial persons have elected not to show up, and also, because one of them just fired some blanks with his finger gun. And we would prefer not to remember that. But it is here, my babies, that Craigslist holds court. Gentle readers, he had a "hard and fast rule" going into this that he would not talk badly about anyone, which he says lasted five minutes but we still think could have been much worse.

Craigslist on Justin RR: He was a "master manipulator. The guy is evil in that his intention was to gain publicity and to hurt a good girl, and to sabotage everything she wanted from this show."

Craigslist on Mrs. Donovan: "Yo, Kas. You're crazy, man." (Tyumbo also gives Mrs. Donovan credit for maintaining his 'looney tunes' ness throughout the taping).

Craigslist on Frank Funke: "Ali was in a very difficult position, and I know that she wanted to find her husband, and I'm not sure that she did." Frank came in with the best intentions, but funked it all up, so to speak.

Amidst our dawning realization that Craigslist should stage a coup for the title of host, Mrs. Donovan takes the "hot seat." We see some of his most awkward moments, but then we sort of like the kid because he says Ali had enough bad memories -- let him be a good one, even if he is batshit. Next up: Scrapbook in the "hot seat." Yes, we conclude this man is contemplative and articulate, and that it is a damn shame that a Camel Toe (and other items, such as Frank Funke) caused him to be voted off so soon.

And finally, Silent Jessie from season El Piloto takes the stage to talk about how she learned about Justin RR's girlfriends. Apparently, she got an email with a title "URGENT" through a social networking site she is on. And opened it. Because we completely advise that everyone open "urgent" messages from random strangers in their email inbox. And it gets weirder: Jessie explains that Jessica (the girlfriend) didn't have a facebook account because Justin RR "told her not to," as if this is the most normal thing in the world. But in an act of defiance, Jessica reactivated her FB account, only to see a message from "Kimberly" on Justin RR's wall. As Jessie described it, Jessica was Justin RR's "main girlfriend" and Kimberly was the "other one." The girls live five minutes from each other, and probably were in the same babysitters club or shared homeroom at Sweet Valley High.

We know this is dastardly, but here is the thing: just dump the wrestler, and move on with your lives.

Craigslist, again, on Justin RR: "In response to your (apparently public) comments Justin RR, you are not an extension of my family. I am not your friend. This situation had nothing to do with production, and was not manipulated by the host. This was an a**hole being an a**hole."

Craigslist, for the win.

Chris Harrison opens the peanut gallery up for comments, and we secretly wish we were there to ask something, anything, so that the woman whom we are choosing to believe is pregnant because otherwise, MY GOD, does not say: "I think that Justin RR is a a liar and a coward." While this is certainly New and Interesting Information, we are too traumatized by the mishapen strappy sundress tying under her belly to give it much thought. Then Ramona Quimby stands up and says something about somebody doing a "good job" and wanting to cheer Craigslist on in Olive Oil Wrestling, and all we can think is "well, thank god that woman with the bolero tie covered in coins is not speaking."

Sayeth KMu: "You know that thing I said about everyone in the audience looking hotter than usual? I take that back." As she should, considering that the Token Male in the viewing audience thinks he is on Newsies and has curiously small arms.

At last, the Big F comes out for a meaningless interview. We are SO comforted to know that the way our hair looks on a daily basis has now become The Fashion. As a few flies exit the monstrosity on top of her head, she confesses that the whole situation was much more difficult than she anticipated going in. There is no talk of whether she is happy or whether she is with anyone, and we secretly know she is not (which makes us sad for all three of the final persons, but really it is all for the best so that they can go on and find nice partners within a 30 mile radius of themselves). Scrapbook confesses his broken heart, but beautifully says that meeting her was part of the process by which he would find his nice normal partner, and Mrs. Donovan sings.

And at last, we close with the two truly funny moments of the show: 1) Craigslist and Roberrrrrto speaking Spanish to each other, only to have the Weatherman/H. Potter understand, and 2) Cape Cod Chris trying to make Craigslist pee the bed while sleeping by putting his hand in water. We know, they lose something in the telling.

Stay tuned for next week, when our hearts will most assuredly be broken unless Ali moves to Utah to start her own colony of Big Love.

KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 9: What the Funke

Babies, we are not sure which is more pathetic: heralding the wee morning hours of our 3-- birthday by watching the entire Twilight movie on YouTube in 9 minute increments, or spending the evening hours in a "Birthday Princess" sash and tiara, blogging this show. We do it all for you, my dears. So let's get started.

Really, The Big Fetodowsky Part Put A Bullet In It Already has more filler than Ali's lips. We start out in Las Angeles with an extended contemplative moment between Cape Cod Chris and the sky. Oh, he is falling for Ali! Oh, it has been years since he has felt this way for a woman because so much emotional energy was spent nursing his mother. Oh! Do NOT shoplift the pootie, Ali. We will never forgive you (all of us).

But then, there is Roberrrrrrto, packing as he dreams of Ali and PDA on the beach. And PDA in the yard. And PDA on the field. And -- oh look, now he's holding a baseball! Roberrrrto "must be confident in what he brings to the table." No looking back. KMu "likes what he brings to the mesa," so to speak.

And then.. . .Frank Funke is conflicted. We know, everybody sit down because this is a Complete Shocker. My dears, he came to fall in love with Ali and that is "what he did," but now he has had feelings "brewing" for his ex-girlfriend, Nicole, since he left. Two things immediately break into this viewer's mind:
a. "brewing" is what one does before having a Moment Of Powerful Reflection in this viewer's household.
b. omg, is Frank Funke dating Nicole Schehererererrzingerar, lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls who had a 2 minute solo career in which she sang "my name is Nicole. I do watcheva you Want. I do watcheva you Want" while climbing from a box only to girate in front of some giant fans on *we think* SYTYCD ten thousand years ago? !?!?! If so, this will be good.

Frank has chosen to go back to Chicago (instead of Tahiti) to find out if he is "still in love" with Nicole. His "stomach is in his feet" and his "heart is at his throat" babies. Frank's head is also apparently up his ass, as he goes to some random Chicago hotel room to meet Violet from the Incredibles and enact the following scene:
Violet nee Nicole: "What is go-ing on?"
Mr. Funke: I was nervous coming here. I am a nervous wreck. I spent the past while fighting guys for Ali. And she doesn't know I'm here. My feelings for Ali are very real. Her and I [RAGE] have an awesome connection.
Violet: [blank stare]. "You have consumed my every day. You just lived a completely different life from me. It's really hard, seeing you getting deeper with someone else. You. Complete. Me. You need to come home."

This viewer cries FAKE.
ABe concludes that Frank wants a backup plan.
KMu is still singing "I do watcheva you want. i do watcheva you want."

And then Frank crosses the final line in this viewer's play book. He says to Violet/Nicole: "I'm going to have to go to Tahiti. I'm going to tell Ali. It's going to take a lot of strength and courage. And I need you to support me. I'm scared." So, when we were 18, we had a boyfriend who dumped us for his ex-girlfriend. One week later, ex-girlfriend reunited with her previous paramour and our ex-boyfriend wanted us back. And after we denied his sorry ass, ex-boyfriend uttered the following: "Wow. I've lost two really important people to me this week. First her, and now you." Oh yes. WTF. And while this is funny to us today (and back then too), we still take comfort in the fact that ex-boyfriend subsequently injured himself with his dance belt. And that, my dears, is what we wish for Frank Funke when he next dons his Peter Pang Wings and demands a gold star for not growing up.

Our mood does not improve as we cut to Ali doing her best impression of Daryl Hannah circa Splash as she flips her hair back out of the Tahitian water. Warns ABe: "Grrrl, you don't do that with a weave."

Thank GOD we are on to date #1 with Roberrrrrto. They jump a helicopter (because why not, since she's afraid to fly) and race off to the Blue Lagoon. Oooo, maybe this is the part where Ali tapes her hair to her jubblies, becomes pregnant with Roberrrto's love child, and then discovers they are siblings. So far we are on the right track: They walk through the deserted lagoon only to sit in the middle of it and make out. "If I ended up with Roberrrrrrto, I would live a wonderful life and it would never be short on romance," says Ali. Damn straight. We heart Roberrrrto.

We do not see enough of this, which is Very Upsetting, but ABC placates us with dinner in the Swiss Family Robinson house. Okay, so this viewer has a few things on her bucket list, and one of them is to live in a tree house. And also, to have a hammock inside our home. We are dreaming of hammocks and treehouses with fully functioning bathrooms and we almost do not notice Ali and Roberrrto until we refocus and . . . mother of god what is she wearing. The Big Fedotowski has stolen Frank's tank top from Part 8, turned it into a baggie, poked two leg holes in the bottom, and pinned it together with chip clips on top. We are horrified.
Thank god Ali sits down.
We are at last able to focus on Roberrrrto again, who confesses that he is falling in love with Ali. OHHHH!!!!! ** Poof*** out comes the fantasy suite card "from Chris Harrison."
KMu: "Chris wants you to forgo the fantasy suite and come by room 1011."
Roberrrto, of course, picks the fantasy suite. "It would be a shame to forgo a perfectly good fantasy suite," says he. We are completely endeared to him, even if what follows is a slow mo getting nakedness since they got "all wet" walking through the water to said fantasy suite. ha cha cha.

And then: date #2 with Chris. So, today we called someone whom we learned was This Very Moment on Cape Cod. We felt it inappropriate to ask, "so um, do you know Chris L?" but only because we were masquerading as A Professional. Because this is our thing (all of us): Cape Cod Chris is like a hot ham and cheese sandwich. He warms us up and always works with goldfish crackers.

So Cape Cod Chris and Ali are going sailing on a yacht. "F*ck yeah, this is now my dream date" interjects KMu. "Only I'd like to drive." It is perfectly fine for KMu to be driving, as we would be in the back with C-cubed and his periodic table t-shirt (which, though he is not wearing now, we secretly loved and have not forgotten). Chris confesses that he has not dated much in the past two years because of where his life has been focused, and they talk about his family. We at the BNU fall for him even more. This portion of the date ends with them swimming to a deserted beach (of course) only to scavenge for oysters with pearls. Even if we are not a Pearls Sort of Person and feel sad for the Oysters being sacrificed during said scavenging, this is sort of cool.

But it is not over. Oh no, for they are having HOBO DINNERS for supper!!!! We love us a hobo dinner, even if we always ended up eating a raw potato and charred beef because ours never cooked right. Our friend AFa can make eggs and bacon in a paper bag over the fire, which we think is Possibly the Coolest Thing Ever. We suddenly realize that we have not eaten a proper supper, unless one counts popsickles and wine.

Cape Cod Chris is now pouring his heart out. At the fantasy suite (because we all know they went there) he reveals that he learned a lot watching his parents together in his mother's last 1 1/2 years. He sees himself with Ali forever. His mother would be looking down on them smiling. And he says he loves her!!! OHHHHHH!!!! This person is too good for this show. And also, if she breaks his heart, we will all be devastated.

And finally, the "date" we have all been waiting for. Frank Funke shows up with all his luggage on Tahiti (again, WTF), moaning about how he "can't give Ali what she deserves" because he loves Nicole. Helpfully, Chris Harrison immediately pops up at Mr. Funke's door. And we kind of like CH in this moment, because even though he's neutral, we actually think he doesn't like Mr. Funke all that much. Frank Funke is all *moan moan moan* "being there with Nicole . . . all those old feelings came back, but stronger." Frank, gentle readers, "didn't see this coming." And now he doesn't know what to do because Ali didn't actually KNOW about Nicole's existence. We have no sympathy for you, fuckwit peter pan. CH listens in silence and then is like, "well you have to tell Ali."

As Ali bounces up the door to Frank's place, we are willing to forgive her for her sins with hair extensions for we know she will feel The Big Dump momentarily. She is "really looking forward to this date with Frank" because their "relationship has been all over the place." But as they hug each other for five minutes, Frank says:
"Ali, we need to talk."
KMu: "I hope this goes faster than the conversation with Nicole."

And then blah blah he's "really nervous' but reveals the existence of Nicole, his feelings for Nicole, spins the whole Chicago adventure as getting "closure" with Nicole, tells Ali she's "perfect in every way," that he "loves the way she makes him feel," and basically violates every single Break Up Rule of Self Preservation. And actually, we are heartbroken for Ali because she is completely devastated. Even if he is a tool (which will only make it worse for her in retrospect, when she thinks back on this). We are glad, at least, that she calls him selfish and reminds him that she gave up everything to be here and 'find love."
Everybody drink.
Except Frank also insists that "me too!" he gave up everything. Which is why he doesn't have a job, is living with his parents, and had broken up with Nicole all before ever coming on this show. Sigh.

At least KLo got her birthday wish.

And Part 9 ends with a fizzle. The Big F can barely get herself together to have a rose ceremony, but wants one anyway because she wants to know that C-cubed and Roberrrrto are choosing her as much as she is choosing them. Except she talks vaguely to them about why Frank left as having some "unfinished business back home," etc. leaving them both to wonder "death in the family? new job? secret love child?" When asks if her future husband is still here, Ali is no longer certain, but says she has "high hopes." We feel sad for her as she picks:
1. Cape Cod Chris.
2. Roberrrrrto.

Ironically, we want them both to win. And Ali too. Damn you, ABC, for making us feel Conflicted.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Men Tell All before we are off to . . . Bora Bora to meet The Big Fedotowsky's family (again).

KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 8: Love is the Only Reality

Oh oh oh, we have now lived for two MONTHS with The Big Fedotowsky and yet she still can't believe that she is "down to four guys." We can't believe she owns silver glitter shoes, which she is packing for possibly our favorite episode of the entire season (historically speaking): Home Town Dates!!!

We jump right into to Tampa, Florida with Roberrrrrto. We keep forgetting to blog this date, as he is so ha cha cha. Unsurprisingly, Roberrrto takes Ali to a ballfield, where he gives her one of his old jerseys. "Have I told you that I like a guy in a baseball uniform?" Little Leaguers, beware. Roberrrrto tries to teach Ali how to bat, which KMu mocks mercilessly until this viewer points out that we would be just as terrible, if not worse. The last time we played baseball, we were 14 years old and caught a grounder, which then rolled up our arm and hit our adams apple, making us Feel About to Die. Of course, Roberrrto is faced with Ali, not us (damn), and so he can exclaim without falsity that it is "awesome to see how athletic she is." In the end, he gives her a laminated baseball card from his playing days. He is, in the words of The Big F, "smokin' hot." "Baseball was part of my past. I'm ready to make Ali part of my future," says he. Oh!!

Off we go to meet Roberrrto's family. She is muy nerviosa, but we at the BNU are secretly hoping that this is exactly like a telenovela:
KMu: "Aiiii, Dios Mio!!!!
ABe: "Que lastima!!!"
All we need is a set of twins and a defrocked priest. Sadly, we will have to settle for two Olgas and a Peter. Also known as Mom (Olga), Sister (Olga), Brother (Peter), and in case we are not exactly clear from whence Roberrrrto came, Dad (Roberrrrto, Sr.).

We love this family. Olga the Elder will age well, unlike others *coughMollycough*. Our only thing is that we are uncertain as to the electric blue donuts hanging from her ears. Roberrrrto, Sr. is just like ABe's dad. Compare: (R Sr.) : "What are your personal goals?" with (LBe) : "Got a job? Do you vote?"). We give props to R. Sr. for testing the Big F on her willingness to compromise, and to Ali for saying that to make Roberrrrto happy, she needs to be happy, and for that, she needs to be fulfilled. Roberrrrto Jr. asks for his parents blessing to propose to Ali and we all get teary because it is in espanol.

As we part ways, Olga the Elder whispers: "I love you with all my heart . . . just don't live in Arizona." Okay, that last bit was added by ABe. And everybody dances, instantly assuring each and every one of them a place in the cockles of this viewer's heart.

We scarcely know how a Home Town Date could be better than Roberrrtos until we meet Cape Cod Chris in, well, Cape Cod. But first, a word about Ali's boots. WTF is she doing wearing leather boots by the water AGAIN. Having ruined a perfectly fabulous pair of suede boots fannying around in the ocean with El Piloto, she is now wearing HIGH HEEL leather boots for a walk on the beach. With leggings. That is just wrong, in so many ways.

Cape Cod Chris woos Ali with stories of whales "mating out there" in the general direction of, you know, the water. Ali can "feel the romance already." But all we can feel is the cold chill of memory as we flash back to the Sacred Dance Guild and the Blue Danube. Babies, a Sacred Dance Guild seminar is one of those things that one attends in youth because one just KNOWS it will make a good story when one is old and grey and in their 30s. It is where one goes to chant "hey hey he-e-ey ung-goo-ah" to the tune of a celtic drum, where one discovers the delight of liturgical dance groups called such things like "Miriam's daughters," and where, yes, one is Eternally Traumatized by a delicately hued beached whale in a turtleneck screaming "bluuuuueeeee danuuuuuuuuube" and improvising dancers who merely asked for song ideas. Over and over again. And THAT, babies, does not bode well for Cape Cod Chris.

Fortunately, Cape Cod Chris and his family are the most Awesome Human Beings ever to grace the Bachelor franchise. We can tell this home is full of love because it has lots of windows (always a sign). And also, a poem that Cape Cod Chris' dad wrote for his mother is up on a ledge somewhere. As Cape Cod Chris and Ali wait for the rest of his family, they roleplay what a typical day might be like:
C-cubed: "Gee, I've had a bad day. I need a beer."
Ali: "I have one in my purse. "
ha ha ha ha but okay seriously, we wonder if we could do that at work.

So soon Ed (the dad) comes home, followed by C-cubed's brothers and sisters-ish in law, and suddenly everyone is standing around the kitchen eating shrimp and drinking wine. WE LOVE THIS FAMILY. And also, neither of the women are wearing slap on their faces. And they are all such good people. Ali discovers that the sistersish-in-law both have "Dennis bracelets" like the one Cape Cod gave her, and reads the one Ed gave to Cape Cod's mother, Margie: "Love is the only reality."

Suddenly, we see the last four years of pouring ourselves into work flash before our eyes, and we feel ashamed.

Ed describes how he met his wife when she was 19 and he was 21. She was in a bar with a fake ID, and when Ed walked in, she told her friend, "I'm going to marry that man." In his 1:1 time with Ali, he tells her how Cape Cod left his job to move back home and help Ed nurse Margie in her last year, and how special Cape Cod was for that sacrifice. "To be with people who need you is so important, and there aren't many people that would do that." By now, we are all crying, and all of us are feeling fiercely protective of C-Cubed, including the sistersish-in-law. They worry that he had no outlet for 1 1/2 years while he helped his parents through Margie's death, and that his feelings for Ali are just an expression of that pent-up emotion. But then C-Cubed tells his Dad that he doesn't want Ali to "pick" him, but to fall for him. OH!!!!

We, the People of the BNU here do solemnly declare that Nobody, including Ali, is going to shoplift this pootie.

We could watch the C-Cubed hometown date 20 times over, but instead we must go to Green Bay, WI for Scrapbook. So, in case you all were wondering who buys all of those decorative plates (you know, the "Lady Diana Wedding Album Collector's Plate" and so forth), that would be Scrapbook's stepmom. Decorative plates grace every flat surface in this house, including the wooden molding around the ceiling. And also, the sofa is a pinpoint of hunting images. AND ALSO: "So Ali, . . . wanna see the basement?" asks Scrapbook's dad. "Would you like to go first?"

Babies, setting aside the Creep Factor from that statement alone, we canNOT get passed the fact that Scrapbook's father's entire basement is an homage to the dead animal. Yes, he is into taxidermy. Our friend JSa once taxidermied Hamlet the Hamster in the basement of our college biology lab when Hamlet met an untimely demise due to overeating of carpet fuzzies and palm fronds when on the lam from his cage. Through that experience, we all learned a Thing Or Two about taxidermy, including that one should not indescriminately use eyeball substitutes. And yet Scrapbook's father has done that, attaching eyes to a caribou foot. Resulting in a gremlin. As he opens a freezer to display little packages with names like "coyote skull," he discusses his joy in "bringing animals back to life." Sweet Moses.

In the end, Scrapbook's dad ends up being quite nice and proud of his son. But, we have barely gotten adjusted to this New Information before BAM we are hit with Scrapbook's mother, Tina, and sister "Tawna" (along with grandma Arlene). Lo, though Tawna may be named after her father's One Night in Bangkok, we are more shocked by Tina's horsey hairstyle (we hate this. HATE THIS) and braces. And also grandma Arlene's unnatural obsession with the cheesy potatos.
Arlene: "We have two kinds of potatoes. One of them is cheesy."
Tawna: "My family gets together for every event. Mother's day, Christmas, Easter -- "
Arlene: "Pass the cheesy potatoes."
But in the end of this too, we appreciate Tina for being so level-headed with her son and so proud of all that he has accomplished. Though, we have Major Concerns that Ali is just Not Feeling "It" with Scrapbook. Scrapbook, unfortunately, is head over heels.

And at last, AT LAST, we are on date #4 with Frank Funke in Chicago, IL. ABe starts warning the crowd, "I am going to lose my sh*t with this one," as Frank rushes towards Ali on Navy Pier and he is wearing:
1. A deeply v-neck wifebeater.
2. A womens' size extra small two-tone sweatervest; and
3. A windbreaker.
Of course, Ali looks like a Russian sailor, but that does not mean it is okay for her to like Frank. And yet, she LOVES Mr. Funke. As they get on a boat to take a Scenic Architectural Tour of Chicago (we are presuming), they take photos and giggle. Ali, my babies, thinks that it's such a "good thing that Frank can get up and go anywhere." Yes, because he is UNEMPLOYED and so are you, Ali. And also, "her hair looks like a molting baby bird," observes KMu.

But 15 minutes in, Frank is already all up in his brain, worrying about what if he put all his faith in The Big Fedotowsky and she sent him home, and blah blah blahdy vomit blah. Though she once again rushes to reassure him, Ali FINALLY notes (to us, dear diary style) that she cannot keep reassuring him all of the time. And we SO agree:
"Dear Frank,
Grow a pair.
Love,
KMu and ABe.
As ABe starts chanting "Lo, though I walk through the valley of the shadow . . . " we go to meet the parents. We hear even less of the very little that ABC shows of this familial meeting because we cannot rip our eyes from Frank's chest cavity. A V-neck wifebeater? Seriously?!? With tailored edging? But our attention is grabbed by the gushing sound coming from Ali's mouth as she talks to Mr. Funke's mom about his wonderfulness. This is a World of No, Ali. A WORLD OF NO. We feel helpless against the tidal wave of crushitude that Ali is feeling towards Frank, clinging only to our hope that his sister's understatement that he is an "emotional guy" might finally break through.

But now we have survived all 4 home town dates and are at the rose ceremony. We are hating The Big F's dress, at least on her. It has a triangle of fake cloth roses right where the chest is supposed to be, giving the impression that at any moment, the entire top will roll right off her body due to the sheer weight of all that material. But, we forgive her for this dress because she is genuinely distraught. Crying as she chooses, and with no rose ceremony whatsoever, Ali picks:
1. Roberrrrto
2. Cape Cod Chris (yay. Although we are going to give you the Stink Eye if you break his heart)
3. Frank Funke (in a velour fleece under a sport coat. seriously.).

Poor Scrapbook, he is going home. We knew this was coming, though we don't think that he is the most graceful, noting that this is an entirely new experience for him because he has always been the one to dump the woman. We feel less sorry for him now.

Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Tahiti. And just maybe, for my birthday, Frank Funke will finally get the axe.

-- Peace,
KLo

The Big Fedotowsky Part 7: Sweet and Low

We don't know where to begin with The Big Fedotowsky Part 7 except to say, Sweet Fudgsickles, are we really on Episode 7 and are there really 5 man-people left still? Big Daddy managed to pick someone in 8 episodes, and that was dreadful enough. At any rate, here we are in Lisbon, Portugal, and Frank Funke is wearing an anchor on his shirt. Ahahahaha, yes, my sentiments exactly.

But Mr. Funke is relieved, babies, for there may be 4 dates this episode, but none of them have roses! Nevertheless, there is a "lot on the line," as the remaining boys standing at the end of today will be taking Ali home to meet the parents!

First date card? For Roberrrrto. "Come be the king of my castle." Ha cha cha. Frank Funke is immediately jealous that HE didn't get the date, that someone ELSE did, and that HE doesn't get to be king of the castle. We think all manner of dark things in his general direction until Ali shows up in a tank top and . . .
ABe: "I don't understand that skirt."
It is about 6 inches long and solidly bedazzled. Babies, we like to avoid outfits that expose the Hail Damage of Time, and previously assumed, quite fairly in our opinion, that most women did the same [except our college classmates whom we have discovered to regularly do yoga, run five miles after giving birth, have good hair, maintain gardens, travel to exotic locations, and know how to work a proper camera. These women apparently don't have hail damage, which we would otherwise be able to see from their perfectly crafted art shots. DAMN YOU, facebook search function.]. What we are not understanding here is that said skirt actually GIVES one the impression of hail damage upon sitting for more than 30 seconds, and then exposes it all for the world to see.

We are trying desperately to get past said skirt, as it IS Roberrrrrto after all, and they are taking pictures all over Lisbon. Except we can't see very well because some giant man in a pinstripe shirt, sunglasses, and sweater tossed over his shoulders is in the way of ABC's lens.
KMu: "Homosexual, you are in the way."
ABe, still on the skirt: "It's like a scarf. . . . turned into a skirt. Is that fringe on the bottom?"

Finally, finally, we manage to refocus (even ABe) as Roberrrrto dances with Ali in the street, makes out in a cable car, and whispers sweet nothings about how they will have "lots more moments like this" if she ends up with him. While he loses 10 points for cheese, we must immediately award him 20 points for expressing his genuine excitement to take her home to meet his family, even in the face of her saying she needs to "figure him out" because he is "not used to people as nice as you." [read: "I am waiting for the other shoe to drop because I have historically dated emoto-fuckwit film students like Frank Funke and don't know how to behave with a nice boy].

We don't know how this ends up, as our eyes are ripped away from Roberrrto by another date card arriving at the hotel for a 2:1 date. "Let's find our future in the past." And it's for . . . . Tyumbo and Frank Funke!!! We are so pleased, as Frank looks like he ate a baby turtle. "Tyumbo is my biggest competition," he opines. and then [insert long list of complaints followed by] "I don't want to walk around with Ty. I want to walk around with a girlfriend."
KMu: "You don't have to walk around holding his hand or anything."
ABe: "Thought that might help your chances."

We have a hard edit from Tyumbo and Frank Funke hugging Ali in front of a helicopter to flying through a wind farm. So, our sister just got a parrot. Because, you know, that makes sense. But this parrot has a little gym to avoid boredom, and a pinata filled with treats [we are not making this up] and . . . pampers to wear when flying around the house.
Also known as a "flight suit."
We mention this only to say that we would certainly need such a suit if we were going to FLY A HELICOPTER THROUGH A WIND FARM. That is all. [PS, our other sister has fish, which we feel is much more reasonable even if she did kill them three times. So technically, she "had" fish.]

Anyway, we are back on the date, and Frank Funke is bitching about wanting to say things to the Big F that he can't in front of Tyumbo . . . to seeing a deer as the threesome hike towards a castle . . to Frank Funke bitching about sharing the moment with Ty again. And at last we are about to eat dinner on Chris Harrison's old Christmas tree wrap until . . . WTF. There is a waiter in PLAIN SIGHT. You know, this viewer has a birthday coming up. And all she has wanted for NINE YEARS is to be the waiter and/or rose dish holder and/or box-for-voting-someone-least-favorite depositer during a rose ceremony. But no. Our hopes have been dashed, and we have been replaced by THIS person, whom we are confident is really "second gaffer" or something in a rented jacket. Rage.

Anyway, after Tyumbo makes an uncharitable comment about the night being perfect but for the presence of Frank Funke, we are mercifully introduced to some 1:1 time. This improves neither our mood nor our feelings towards Tyumbo. Ty, gentle readers, doesn't think his mother would be bothered at all by the fact that Ali is "more of a worker." We cry "liar!" as Tyumbo's own face shows the pain of uttering such statements after just divorcing a woman for working, you know, ONE YEAR AGO. But Tyumbo has changed, babies. He is just "tickled to death" that Ali would "have a plan." Oooh, your widdle Ali has such big big pwans. Whadda whittle cutie!!" We give Tyumbo the stink eye.

But 1:1 time with Frank Funke is not much better. Frank is "a little nervous" because he feels that they have a good thing, but he "doesn't have anything to compare it to" in terms of her relationships with the other guys. And he is also nervous because, um, "there is one thing I need to tell you tonight. And that is . . . that I live with my parents."

[GASP].

"You know, after I sold my condo in the city and then went to Europe . . . " Just stop stop STOP TALKING, Frank.

Homeslice supposedly had a good job in the city and owned his own place. And he burned through the money from both of those things in six weeks in Europe? So once upon a time [Pre-Ravages of Time], we went to ballet school with a girl who spent $3,000 of daddy's money on clothes and shoes in her first two weeks in Boston. This girl was fifteen years old. That girl was not 31 years old and supposedly maintaining a good job because of solid judgment and the ability to manage finances. Fuckwit.

While we feel that Ali should run Right This Instant, Ali is not feeling our urgency. Oh no. She says "awwwww!!!" and cuddles closer. Then this happens: "Let's live in a tree together like a couple of monkeys," says Mr. Funke. Yeah, Frank, because that's all you're going to be able to afford. Thank God you have that manuscript you're writing to burn for warmth. Frank is, apparently, "everything Ali has wanted, and everything she fears." No shit.

Date #3 is with Scrapbook. We are having mixed feelings about this person. On the one hand, we feel he is entirely wrong for Ali. On the other hand, he has risen in our estimation to the level of Cape Cod Chris and Roberrrrto, otherwise known as Men Who Are Reasonably Articulate. And also, he does not have a seizure upon seeing Ali's tank top, which has the following three things: 1) chains, 2) studs, and 3) sequins all going on at once. So Scrapbook and Ali are off on their date, and Ali is just not feeling it because her mind is elsewhere. We are back in our usual ambivalent state towards Scrapbook, and so we are at peace with the potential that he will go home as he chatters happily about how he's in a good place personally while Ali nods abstractly on a little horsedrawn carriage ride.

Except then Scrapbook calls her on being distracted, in such a nice way, though we almost don't hear it because, thanks to HD, we can actually see where her eyeshadow has gotten stuck in her fake lashes. But as they continue to talk, and Ali confesses AGAIN for the 100th time in Season Big Fedotowsky that she's worried she won't be "good enough" for whichever guy she picks in the end, Scrapbook says: "You know, I didn't know who I was before I got sick. And I didn't think I deserved to be loved by the people who loved me. But then getting sick put things in perspective. And I do deserve that love, and I deserve to be here, and I deserve you." Except he says it 800 times better, and suddenly, we love Scrapbook again. Oh!! Our love does not falter, even as a blind woman channeling Sophia Loren sings on the steps to the tune of a guitar.

Soon, we are on Date #4 with Cape Cod Chris. "Love gets better with age," it reads. Oooo, we hope this date involves cheese. But no, it involves our next favorite thing: A winery!!! Except crisis: The Big F is having a difficult time with Chris. While she "digs' him as a friend, he is not opening up enough for her, and the relationship is going at a slower pace than her relationships with the other boys. Oh no!!

Things are not helped when he is given a Vespa to drive. "I don't want to be that dude who kills the bachelorette," he worries, as he has never driven a scooter or a motorcycle before. And we COMPLETELY understand. This viewer once drove through the streets of Bangalore, India on the back of our friend KZi's scooter for a week. You know, without a helmet. Laughing hysterically the entire time because that is what one does when one fears Imminent Death.

So here we are on the Vespa, and Chris is going about 20 miles an hour until Ali makes him pull over and drives herself. We love this dynamic. We also love Cape Cod Chris because he opens up about his mother, answers questions in a measured way, and gives her a bracelet that he was holding onto until he had decided if he "liked her enough," which is just so refreshing when compared to all the other boys. We know that Cape Cod Chris is all sorts of vulnerable to Ali, and we love him for it. And also, he pulls some lilacs down from a giant bush for her.

But suddenly, the rose ceremony is upon us. The BNU panel is divided on The Big Fedotowsky's dress. It is white and stripey . . . but only on one side. ABe likes it, but this viewer is forcibly reminded of a beach towel. Her extensions looking worse than ever, without any fuss Ali picks:
1. Cape Cod Chris (whoot!!)
2. Frank Funke (nooooooooooooooooooo).
3. Roberrrrrto (double whoot!!!), and . . .
4. Scrapbook!

Whoa! Tyumbo is goin' home. Showing his true view on life, he says HE thought HE was perfect for her, and that he is pissed because SHE made a wrong choice and he hopes she realizes that. Somehow, we don't think so.

And then we realize why ABC has been rushing us through the Big Fedotowsky Part 7. And it is because Jaques El Piloto and Le Sausage are Meeting for the First Time Since The Big Breakup. We are feeling very mixed as to whether to comment on this at all, as it is mostly just yelling at each other, and so we will make the following observations:

1. ABC has reached a New Low.

2. Le Sausage somehow manages to float to the top as between herself and El Piloto, notwithstanding her use of the word "poly-o-graph" and the fact that she sold her story to a tabloid [for which she apologizes to Jake]. And also, because she utters the best line of the night: "My IMPRESSION was that you were a PILOT and that we were going to go back to Florida and lead a normal life [after the show], but you took me to LA." Le Sausage, for the win.

3. El Piloto is, in fact, Tool of the Century as he essentially states the following:
a. He was "undermined" by Vienna, as exemplified by the fact that when they got new bedroom furniture, he "measured the best way for the furniture to fit in the room, told Vienna it was the only way it would fit, and then she questioned my judgment by getting the tape measure herself."
b. He was "disrespected" by Vienna when she asked him directions, he told her how to get to the location, and then she used the GPS [at which point he ripped it down and threw it in the backseat].
c. He repeatedly instructed her not to interrupt him.
d. Even though this isn't solely El Piloto's handiwork, we would just like to note that Chris Harrison and he completely gang up on Le Sausage, which is Not Cool.

In the end, like most breaks ups, we are pretty sure the truth is somewhere in the middle between his claims of her selling him out and her claims he is a famewhore. Either way, we not so secretly hope that Le Sausage goes on to bigger and better things, and that network shows stop giving El Piloto work.

Stay tuned for next week, when Scrapbook's father shows off his taxidermy skillz.

KLo