YOJO Part: The Men Tell All

Babies, here we are at The Men Tell All, watching from the comfort of our home with an antennae on our computer because (a) we like to keep this classy, and (b) we fully expect to have “reception trouble” as soon as Chump comes on stage.

 In case you all are wondering, the coaster says "do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is not path and leave a trail- Ralph Waldo Emerson."  And, like a dog dragging its ass through the living room, ABC does indeed leave a trail with this episode of the Men Tell All. 

Inspired by UnReal or perhaps in reaction to it, ABC has changed up its approach to this show, trying to "reveal" more "behind the scenes" and less of just the interviews.  This consists of filming a few camera men running around and a guy yelling “Live in five” or whatever.  And then, segmented between scenes of the other guys getting ready to be on air, we see a black sedan with shoes coming out of it and we just know.  Yup.  It’s Chump.  And he gets into a ratty RV that someone pulled out of a dumpster and decorated with a “Chump” star.  Naturally, there is a man in a "security" shirt standing outside of it. 

So ABC is going to spend all of this episode on Chump.  How lucky are we. 

But wait, FIRST we must have a Bachelor in Paradise preview. Which generally involves a lot of rage and violence from Chump, including against at least one woman, Evil Nick falling in love with various women, Just Jared from season whatever, and some other “sexy new singles” in the words of Chris Harrison.  And also, Fran Kardashian and multiple marriage proposals.  News flash:  we will not watch that show.

After some interviews with all of the foregoing, who just happen to be in the Live Viewing Audience, we have a stilted teleprompter read by The Twins from Season Peter Moriarty Brady and Some Other Dude We Are Supposed to Know about “Life’s Bleachable Moments.”   

We go downstairs for some wine because We Cannot Even, and when we come back, Chris Harrison is suddenly talking about Chump like “shame on you, Chump, for ruining this show, you know this is about LOVE and not VIOLENCE but could you turn a little to the left because we are making a ton of money off you right now.”  The Harrison teases that Chump is now back stage.  We hate him, in that moment, and all of ABC. 

At last we are re -introduced to the men, who we will not name because we do not remember them.  Cut to the Penis Pastor, who says it was “amazing” coming out of the limo because “god bless America.” And 9021Luke is telling us all that the experience exceeded his expectations. 

Proving that Jo Jo is an idiot for cutting them, Beefy Jim attempts to take the high road when Chris Harrison asks him about Annoying Alex (i.e., “we are just very different people”) while 9021Luke says, “Look, this is what happens with young marines who have been in combat.  Young marines are in fight or flight mode.  And they either eventually mature from that or not, and so you have a range of people between the two,” . . .  just sort of leaving us to our own conclusions about that one.  We love you, 9021Luke!!

We then have to sit through some argument about Annoying Alex and what he was putting his energy into during the show. . .followed by more fighting about Chump, and we just feel tired.   This concludes with Wells telling everyone that, “just like Voldemort,” no one should speak about Chad while he isn’t here.

But then he is.  And we hate this part and so we refuse to document it.  In brief summary, Chump is a jerk to everyone, reveals that since leaving the show he has pursued multiple ex-girlfriends of the other contestants because, you know, he just wanted to reassure them that not all men are as bad as their exes. Chivalrously, he “didn’t like the idea that these other guys had screwed them over.”  Blah Blah he makes sarcastic comments and snide remarks as the other men attempt to engage with him (and one to fight him), and then exits 20 (undocumented by this Author) minutes  later.   Wells, apparently petitioning to be the next Bachelor, lectures Chump that “America loves a good redemption story more than a tragedy, and I really hope you take the Bachelor In Paradise appearance as an opportunity to be redeemed.” Yeah. . .nope. 

Somewhere in the middle of this segment, Chris Harrison says, for All Of Us, “We are just scraping the surface of . . . . This.   We’ll be back.”   

Yet we are already not paying attention because of The Wines and Also, the Boredom.

Ok, so now, finally, our ears tune in as 9021Luke takes the “Hot Seat.”  Babies, here is God’s honest truth:  9021Luke reminds us of the guy who had his jawbone removed because he smoked too many packs a day.  But we still love him, and we do not understand why she is not with him, and as we see a playback of all his romantical moments we think HE IS THE BEST AND WHY WHY WHY.   Especially when he says that he still loves Jo Jo, but that upon reflection, his pain is worth it if she is now in a happy place.

Chris Harrison:  But do you feel like you are ready for love?”

9021Luke:  “I do feel more open to it.”

Chris Harrison:  “But seriously, you are ready to love again?”

9021Luke:  “Yes, yes I am.  My heart is now open.”

Babies, we have our next Bachelor.

Aaaaand we go back to boredom and The Wines as Chase is suddenly looming large in front of us.  We like him fine, he seems like a reasonable person, and still does not understand why Jo Jo forced him to go through that particular sequence of events, including but not limited to The Fantasy Suite, before giving him the boot.  He wants answers, baby, and here Jo Jo comes to give them.

That’s right, Jo Jo has now popped up on screen looking like a refugee from the RNC.   And now she reveals that things with 9021Luke were perfect, except that something on the last night was not feeling the way she “thought it was supposed to feel.”  In summary, he cherished her and that felt wrong and unfamiliar because all her past boyfriends were dogs.  And also, she needs “words of affirmation,” including, specifically, the word “love,” and so since she did not get it from 9021Luke but got it so easily from the two dirtbags remaining, she had to let 9021Luke go.

9021Luke’s response:  “Thank you for allowing me to love you.  I now see the light. My house and heart are now in order to be the bachelor of all of your dreams.” (we are paraphrasing).

And then suddenly, it is Chase!  Chase from behind on the final lap! He is not relinquishing his Bachelor Candidacy so easily!  Chase comes to sit beside Jo Jo and tells her that he realized that he was hurt at the end, but that she was amazing and that she helped him see the light of love, and he is now ready!

But 9021Luke is not ready to give up. In the homestretch, he muscles in by a hair:  “”You hurt me, but that taught me a lot, and so I thank you.” 

And now everyone is thanking Jo Jo for teaching them Everything, and also How To Love:

Jim Bob Taylor:  “thank you for being It All.”

Santa from whatever:  “I’m glad to see you smile.”

Annoying Alex:  “I don’t know how to deal with instant rejection, but now I wish, in retrospect, that I could have articulated how glad I am that you know what you wanted.”

And then there’s Chump:  “Well, you’ve got some real winners.  As you know by now, Robby broke up with his ex to go on the show.  And Jordache is a big lying cheat.  So have fun with that.” 

And the thing is, it’s really true, even if it's coming from Chump.  But Jo Jo earns a standing ovation from the guys anyway by telling them all that Chump is not worth her breath.

Suddenly, drawing our attention away from this Wedding Receiving Line of Terribleness, Big Ang has risen from the dead and is in the audience talking about someone on stage who is apparently Vinny the Barber.  

But Big Ang tells the world, “Yo Jo Jo, you had the best guy.  You shaved him, you took his facial hair. And then you let him go.  He’s still single, ladies, in case anyone else is looking!”

Ohhhh, Big Ang is Vinny’s MOTHER.

We wish THAT could have been featured on a home town date.

We conclude by suffering through some “bloopers” and also, a preview of next week in which Jo Jo’s brother, tells her, “You are not picking someone to be your New Year’s Eve date.”   BROTHER FOR THE WIN.

But Jo Jo claims she’s happy, and we can only hope that it is because she dumped both of her remaining suitors. But this Author supposes that we will all discover it soon enough next Monday, when the BNU rides One Final Time.

 -KLo

YOJO Part 9: Marry, F--k, Kill

Babies, we jumpstart our Monday with a reminder that we left Jo Jo on a cliff last week, squatting in her dress trying to decide what to do after 9021Luke confesses his love right before the rose ceremony. 

KMu, reading the labels on two bottles of wine, is unmoved:  “This one talks about tending the soil. This other one talks about an ‘emblematic bird.’”

ABe:  “Soil.”

This Author:  “Is Jo Jo wearing Jubbly Gloss?” 

Jo Jo wanders back in the hanger and certain parts of her anatomy continue to glisten like dew.

She gives roses to . . .

This Author:  “That is SERIOUSLY some Jubbly Gloss.”

 1. Jordache Jeans

2.  Robby, and . . .

3.  Chase.

No!!  NO!!! 9021 Luke looks completely owl-eyed and traumatized.  And yet, he is a grown ass man through it all.  An Andean pan flute begins to play as Jo Jo attempts to walk him out.  She is sobbing, “This hurts me so much!  I don’t even know how to explain this!”

9021Luke:  “Well, we’ll never know what we might have had.”

Her: “I don’t even know how to say goodbye.”

9021Luke:  “We shouldn’t have to.   This is wrong.”

Basically, what it boils down to is that he wasn’t constantly affirmative ENOUGH, even though that still water ran deep, and so she let him go even though she was really into him.

Jo Jo continues to sob as organ funeral music is now playing in lieu of the Andean flute. 

9021Luke concludes, “well, it isn’t getting any easier” and takes himself out of the scene, but not before crying in the car:  “I was in love with her.  But I did not have the chance TO love her.  I barely got to say it, and then it was too little, too late.”

Jo Jo is now hysterically crying.  “It wasn’t supposed to feel that way!  What if that was a mistake!  I miss him already!”

You think? 

Babies, this entire season has been one, looong game of Marry, F—k, Kill.  And now Jo Jo has eliminated the last potential husband of the bunch.

Off we go to Thailand for the rest of this Hobson’s Choice.

Our mood does not improve when we see Jo Jo in a lampshade with tiny jean shorts.  When our sister SHa was in high school, she never repeated an outfit (unlike this author, who literally wore sweatpants and moccasins for months on end).  Our personal favorite, other than the times she (a) accidentally dyed her legs blue with vintage pants, and (b) wore a tutu with bicycle shorts, was this crazy pink lampshade dress.  That dress is Jo Jo’s top, only blue and postage stamp size.  We hate this top.

Suddenly, Jo Jo has replaced the lampshade top with a ruffled onesie, and is meeting Robby on a motorcycle to go to a “crazy market.”  This is the most boring date ever.  Robby says he can tell how great they are together by “how we’re intimate with each other.  How we’re passionate with each other,” and the entire BNU vomits into our mouths. 

They wander through the market and then get a foot massage from these poor old men while they talk about their love for each other.  And also, kiss in the rain.  The Meh is so strong with this one that we almost cannot make it to dinner.

But then we do, and we gasp.  Lo, for Robbie is wearing Tighty Whiteys:

We forget that EMu is perched in her pajamas beside ABe for a few minutes before bed:

“Mommy what’s a tighty whitey?”

Unlike last week’s bachelorette-inspired question, “Mommy, what’s a divorce?” this one is at slightly less traumatic to answer. 

Dinner is crushingly boring. 

Her:  What did your family say when you said you were in love?

Him:  “Well, they all knew I was capable of it.”

Robby then gives her a note that his dad allegedly wrote to him and left by his bed during home town dates.  Given that the note concludes, “You’re the man. Love, dad,” we demand a handwriting expert stat.  But Robby continues to say everything that Jo Jo wants:  He over-reassures her, tells her that he wants her to have the note because he wants her to feel comforted in case she ever doubted that he could fall in love this quickly, and yadda.

ABe is fascinated by Robby’s hair: “part of it is coming unglued.”

Off they go to the fantasy suite.  She says she’s crazy about him and “knows” what he’s saying --which is a bunch of nothing – is true. 

KMu:  “My theory is that she requires so much validation that even if she was building a more real  connection with Luke. . .”

ABe  “she’s not mature enough to recognize it.”

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

Now we are vomiting because they are waking up to breakfast in bed and gah.   And then, inexplicably, Jo Jo is the one to leave the fantasy suite and do the walk of shame back to her room for her next date with. . . Jordache Jeans.

So Jo Jo meets Jordache Jeans in a bikini top and  micro shorts, with a denim shirt wrapped around her waist.  “We are going hiking!” she announces to Jordache, who is wearing flip flops that mysteriously turn into sneakers one edit later.  Babies, when this author spent 10 days in Glacier National Park last summer, we *totally* wore a bikini top and micro shorts to hike.  The threat of that particular vision not only cleared the path forward of both other people and wildlife, but it was also *super comfortable* for climbing over rocks.

They hike and hike up and down rocks and into a cave as they swelter in the heat and talk about how “amazing” this is. 

“I’m waiting for an old Asian lady to show up and give them a blessing,” says ABe.

Lo and behold, we get the next best thing:  they hike to a temple hidden in a cave.   So Jo Jo covers her shoulders with her denim shirt to be “respectful,” while also forgetting her pants.  #Americansinothercountries.

Jordache Jeans, for None of Us and also, Grammar Rage:  “I feel like me and Jo Jo have been writing our love story this whole time.”

Jo Jo is sad that she can’t make out with Jordache Jeans at the sacred temple.  He spends that time telling her that their hometown date was exactly what HE needed, and the last box HE “needed to check.  We are depressed for Jo Jo but understand that 25 years of age may still be too young to Get Real With Oneself about the Fuckwits One Has Been Dating And Make A Change.

Unsurprisingly, Jo Jo struggles to know if it’s going to be “forever.”

Jo Jo:  “What’s the next year going to look like for you?”

Jordache:  “That’s a tough question to answer.”

KMu:  “She just asked you if you are going to be together next year, dumb ass.”

Jordache: “I don’t know what the year will bring.”

Jo Jo:  “I feel like with your lifestyle, there’s a lot of movement.  I’ve done a long distance relationship before, and only seeing each other every couple weeks really doesn’t work for me.”

Jordache:  I don’t have and I don’t need a home base.”

ABe: “WRONG ANSWER.”

Jordache:  “ I can be whatever, wherever you need me.”

KMu: “If only there was a contestant that lived right down the street.  And was completely about home and family.  In Texas.”

We sigh over 9021Luke and Jo Jo’s determined dive straight to the bottom of this shit-filled barrel.

Over the course of dinner and the fantasy suite portion of this date, and thanks to KMu, we become hyper-sensitive to Jordache Jeans’ habit of putting a “little sexy spin” (KMu’s words) on wholly inappropriate phrases like “talking to my dad” and now we can’t stop noticing. 

Blah blah, Jordache Jeans continues to bullshit his way through the date:

Jo Jo:  “How do you know that you want to be with me forever?”

Jordache: “I am a different person than I was before.  And I’ve never felt like this before.”

KMu;  “Nonresponsive, move to strike.”

ABe:  “That should NOT have relieved her fears.”

Jo Jo;  “I feel really good.  I got every answer I wanted.’

And we are suddenly tired.  Dear Jo Jo and all other baby women, please change the narrative.  Please start asking yourself whether YOU want to be with the guy, instead of the other way around. Deciding what you expect for yourself is an amazingly helpful tool in all manner of thing, including the avoidance of hipster-haired wankers.

This date ends at a different fantasy suite than the one in which Jo Jo slept with Robby.  And then this happens:

KMu:  “Let’s be clear this is the sponsor of this show.” 

As the sun comes up on this date, Jordache Jeans tells the world, “We took a big step last night .In a really exciting direction.”   And then he says to Jo Jo, “It was exactly what I needed.” And This Author Explodes in a Flame Ball of Fury.  Jo Jo, her face a mask responds: “It was nice.”

Jo Jo soon scuttles off for date #3 with Chase.  She is wearing a tiny Dolly Parton shirt that is somehow missing its midsection and white micro shorts.

ABe: “ I have that same outfit. I wear it to work all the time.”

We actually appreciate Chase on this date, but become worried as her voice over concludes that Chase is “someone to have fun with.”   They boat around a village, pretend to kiss fish, have a picnic on the beach.  

Jo Jo now:   “I forget about how hot it is when I’m kissing you.”

Jo Jo after five years of marriage:   “Stop putting your sweaty, sweaty leg on mine.” 

Chase displays his mad skillz at witty banter:  “We’re in the place, with monkeys.  And fisherman.  And saltwater.  And fish. It’s amazing.”

KMu pauses the television for a moment of silence.

So blah blah, they sit on the beach and Jo Jo climbs into Chase’s lap and declares that she never wants the date to end.  So it doesn’t.  He carries her around in the water as she monkey-clips to him and we wonder how painful his giant flank tattoo must have been.

Jo Jo:  “So much rides on this tonight.’

ABe:  “HAHAHHA”

Chase:   “I know that being on that knee is . . . not too far away.”

KMu: “Ok, maybe I’m too dirty minded but. . .”

The BNU raises a glass in silent salute.

Somewhere between all this Love In the Water and Dinner, Robby confirms that he is a shitbag by showing up at Jo Jo’s door in the middle of her date with  Chase.  Having figured out what she wants to hear, he lays it on thick:  “I am falling asleep thinking, dreaming about you!” “After this week, I’ve never felt more connected to you.” “I’m ready to marry you!”

It works.  Jo Jo tells the camera that she is already in love with two people (Jordache, Robby) and is now not sure if she can fall in love with a third.  Over dinner, Chase confesses his love, and it obviously puts him in a super vulnerable place. 

Chase:  “It’s scary.”

Jo Jo:  “What?”

Chase: “Getting to the real emotions.  It seems like I’ve gotten through this a little harder than Robby and Jordach might have.  But I don’t want to be scared of those things anymore.  I think that’s what love is.”  

KMu:  “That’s exactly what love is.  Once I got passed the other sister wives, I knew it was love.” 

KMu again, surveying a crime scene of toys and laundry:  Dudes, you don’t know how much I want a sister wife right now.”  

ABe:  “Shit just got real.”

We keep forgetting to pay attention as the fantasy card comes out.  Chase tells her that he loves her, and she invites him back to the suite.  And then. . . he tells her he loves her in the fantasy suite and she freezes and walks away.  And Outdoors.  And sits down on a bench while Chase is awkwardly left 20 feet away inside.  And then she comes back and DUMPS HIM.

Babies, we begin the slow play where Chase is trying to leave, and Jo Jo keeps clawing at his arm “no! Don’t go!” and “Talk to me!”  And Chase basically tells her that it was a real d*ck move for her to encourage him to tell her that he loves her and to invite him back to the fantasy suite and then dump him on the theory that she needed to hear him “say the words” before she could figure out  how she felt.  Which, we agree, is a total load.

ABe:  “Chase, you are too good for this show.”

Chase eventually escapes and, as he drives off in the limo, sums up the end of this date: “I should have never told her I love her.  That was like pulling my pants down and kicking me in the nuts.  I’m embarrassed, and heartbroken.”

Now it’s the rose ceremony.   Jordache Jeans makes an appearance in amazingly tight pants.

ABe:  “From the waist down, you wouldn’t know that was a guy.”

Aaaand now here’s Robby.

ABe again: “If I stood next to them in my jeggings, you could never tell the difference.”

 This Author sings: “Everybody’s talkin’ ‘bout my tight pants, got my tight pants, got my tight pants on.”

But then. .  .Jo Jo comes out instead of Chase!

Robby:  “Uh oh, what does that mean?”

Jordache:  “Something.”

KMu:  “Someone get MENSA on the phone.”

Blah blah, Jo Jo launches into a lengthy speech about how she cut Chase . . . only to be interrupted by Chase.  Who then takes Jo Jo aside and makes his pitch to be the bachelor:  “I care too much to let our relationship end the way it did.  There’s a lot that I wasn’t able to say because I was shocked.  I wanted to tell you I am proud of you, and I want the best for you, and I have a lot of love for you and want what’s best for you. . . I am not asking to be back, but don’t get me wrong, I do want to be yours. And if that happens down the road, do let me know.  My heart is still yours.”

KMu: “He must be thinking that if she blows it with gay guy and full-of-himself guy, Chase wants to be there.”

WORD.

And now Jo JO is sobbing. AGAIN.  “I’m all over the place with my feelings.”

KMu: ‘Oh F--king A, guys.”

During all of this, Jordache Jeans and Robby are standing awkwardly, playing with their hair and shirts.  Jo Jo eventually returns to them, tells them her feelings are “so strong” and she’s “super excited about the future.” 

KMu, for All of Us: “She’s such a bad read.  It’s unbelievable.”

As the episode draws to a close, Jo Jo gives roses to Robby and Jordache, and we are reminded that the Men Tell All will be Tuesday night. 

Peace -

KLo

YOJO Part 8: Like A Rhinestone Cowboy

Gentle readers, it is This Author’s birthday today.  In peremptory celebration, the BNU and the entire Mu family made us a prezzie last night AND sang AND it was magical:  

We call this “Shot Through the Heart, and [ABC’s] To Blame.”

But we must confess to you that we are getting older (but are Still Well Preserved, Babies), and it is getting harder to be a full-time grown up With Work Items Of An Increasingly Pressing Nature and write this blog about an Increasingly Terrible show.  And also, ABe is abandoning us for The Big City.  And the Mu-lets are getting bigger.  So, we are struggling with some decisions.  We just wanted you all to know. No decisions have yet been made.

Meanwhile Jo Jo has embarked on Home Town Dates.   First up?  Highland Ranch, Colorado to visit Chase.  She is wearing a snuggie and is concerned because Chase has been a little “slower to open up.”  We become concerned when he sits her down on the very edge of a cliff to tell her that his parents are divorced.  Don’t jump, Jo Jo!

Chase takes Jo Jo to his house, which makes us wonder what he does for a living because bloody hell, This Author did not have a house at age 27.  We lived in a ratty, heat-leaking upstairs apartment that we could not afford to keep above 62 degrees in the winter and so we slept in a hat.  Our very last job interview before becoming a lawyer also occurred during this epoch.  Our heat had essentially broken the night before, and this Author was such a popsicle that we lost our limited self-edit and told our prospective employer what we really thought about various items, including the performer Carrot Top.  We did not get the job.  And just like that, a lawyer was born and all troubles writing the BNU associated therewith.

But we digress.

Chase’s dad comes over. We learn that he now has a second family. 

Chase:  “I’ve learned from every relationship I’ve been in.  Your divorce hurt me a lot.”

Dad:  “I started climbing the corporate ladder.  I was gone too much.  Learn from this old man’s mistakes.”

Jo Jo:  “Chase makes so much more sense now.

Off we go to meet the rest of Chase’s family: Mom Sandy, Sister Brittany, Bro in law Brian, step-dad Brad, and nephew Everett.   We at the BNU are overcome by their house.

KMu:  “Is it a lot of the world, or is it just the families on the Bachelor that go for fake Tuscan?”

Babies, there is a galloping horse painted on the wall behind the dinner table.

A Galloping.

Horse.

In 1:1 time with Mom and Jo Jo, we learn that Chase “did not process the divorce quickly, but very well.  He’s doing a great job.   In 1:1 time with Chase and his sister, they talk about how Chase “doesn’t want to put any girl through what dad put mom through.”  And both children talk about how difficult it is to tell anyone they love them because that word means a lot, like “are you going to be there,” and so forth.

ABe:  “What HAPPENED in this divorce?”

Rounding out the Meh on this visit, we have 1:1 time between mom and Chase. Mom feels thusly about Jo Jo:  “She’s darling.  Loves dogs.  Hates fish.  Is fond of you, so she’s smart.”

She also likes talking and not talking, soup.

ABe cannot get over the fact that Chase’s lips don’t move when he talks. 

“He is like a ventriloquist, you guys.”

This date ends with Chase shedding a single tear to his mother and confessing his love to Jo Jo.  The MEH is overwhelming.

Next up?  Chico, California to see Jordache Jeans.   Jordache wanders towards Jo Jo in the middle of the field, wearing his “womens’ jeans, with his hips swaying in the wind,” concludes ABe.  He shows her various rocks he used to climb, which we cannot understand because of the jeans and the tightness.  He then sweeps her off her feet with a visit to his High School, which is basically where Easy A was filmed. 

We learn the following:

a.  Jordache’s favorite coach was his JV football coach.  We meet him.

b.  He did not  have a high school girlfriend.  We cry bullshit because he looked like a baby version of this in high school:

Which is *exactly* as we imagined the mature yet kind Quarterback in the Class of 1988 series over which this Author poured in Junior High, dreaming of the Magic That Awaited in High School while knowing, secretly, that our destiny was not the quarterback but instead the self-styled “geek” that kissed that one girl in the cafeteria after hours.

c. The theme of prom this year is “Rustic Romance.”  Because who doesn’t want to sit on a hay bale in their prom dress?

We also continue in the theme of “The Jordache Family:  A Breach” as Jordache alludes to his famous brother with whom he does not have a relationship, while simultaneously talking about how it has been two years since he brought a “girl” home to meet his family.

With that introduction, we go meet his family at what we must confess is a fabulously painted green house.   We meet Mom Darla, Dad Ed, Brother Luke, and girlfriend Lindsay.

The entire BNU GASPS.

LINDSAY, YOU GUYS.

We don’t know why she has Midwestern Wedding Hair, or so much of it.  But then we start to notice a hair theme. 

PAFF.

POOF.

KA-POW.

We wonder at the stiff breeze that must be running through this house, like a Beyonce video.

We learn that Jordache Jeans was the family’s “spicy child” because he would threaten to run away. This author also threatened to run away on a regular basis circa age 7, but we had it all planned out as to how we were going to live in the car in the driveway. 

We also learn that brother Luke ALSO doesn’t have a relationship with their famous brother, but thinks that Jordache Jeans is a man of integrity.  And, in 1:1 with dad, we hear Jo Jo talk about caring for and respecting Jordache.

KMu:  “I am hot for him but I have to say words that justify that, so.”

And then this happens:

“On the wings of LOVE!!!!” sings this Author.

“KLo, that’s the wrong show,” says KMu.

So this hometown date ends with Jordache Jeans confessing that he never wants this date to end, but Jo Jo getting cold feet:  “Will you still want to be in this after the camera stops rolling?” and so forth.  Lo, for she is “really scared.”  And he thought “they were past this.”  Ooooo.

Just like that, we go off to St. Augustine, Florida for date #3 with Robby. Who is not gay.

The Salmon Shirt of Rage is not doing him any favors.

Robby makes Jo Jo whistle and surprise!  A chariot drives up for a little tour of the town.  We are distracted by two things: (a) Jo Jo is legit wearing a onesie, and (b) There is a pirate randomly walking down the street.  A PIRATE.  Not even ironically!!

So Robby and Jo Jo have drinks with little umbrellas and discuss the elephant in the room that is Robby’s 4 year relationship with the ex-girlfriend.  Is he really ready to love again?  We don’t know, but we don’t care very much because Robby has surprised us all by having an awesome family, inclusive of four siblings, mom, dad, and various in-laws.

One of Robby’s teenage brothers gives his nod of approval:  “She’s so cool; she can fit in.”  the 15 year old concludes, “dude, I could tell, as soon as you came in.  The body language was like, ‘this is for real.’”  Oh, 15 year old Robby’s brother, you are a gem.

Unfortunately, some ABC producer has manipulated mom because she feels that she NEEDS to tell Robby that his ex’s roommate has been spreading lies that he broke up with his ex to go on the show.  Which upsets Robby because he is “in love with Jo Jo.”  So THEN, Robby concludes that it’s the wisest course to TELL Jo Jo all of this about a rumor that they are both insulated from on the show and of which their only source is Robby’s  mom.  Which has the intended effect of terrifying Jo Jo that there is some kind of truth in it all. 

We are bored.  And stop paying attention so that’s all we have on this particular item.

Last up is 9021Luke in Burnett Texas.  And Babies, it is a Made for Hallmark Cowboy Romance and we LOVE IT. 

First, Jo Jo appears wearing the boots that 9021Luke bought her and the worst top imaginable.
KMu:  “Is that a tank blouse?”

ABe: “It’s like some weird throw back to the 80s.”

KMu:  “Do you know how old Jo Jo was in the 80s?  That’s right.  She was zero.  Because she wasn’t born yet.  Happy birthday, KLo.”

9021Luke takes her to a family BBQ, which we are pretty sure happened in the one Hallmark Cowboy Romance we saw with the photographer from The Big City who goes to Find Herself on the Ranch and falls in love with the Surly Cowboy who ultimately makes a Grand Romantic Gesture of bringing a horse to her art show (about horses) at the end.

9021Luke says:  “Meet my mom Susie, Dad Bill, sister Abby, and 50 of my closest friends.”

This is just like that BBQ scene in a less enjoyable Hallmark Cowboy Romance in which the woman, a Big City doctor escaping her busy practice, diagnoses and then saves a child of a Grave Ailment while at a BBQ with the man of her dreams.

We love us some Burnett, Texas.

We also love 9021Luke’s dad, who tells Luke about the exact moment he realized he could not live without Luke’s mom, and then tells 9021Luke that he does not need to make decisions on any kind of timeline, or under any kind of pressure, and that he and 9021Luke’s mom will “love and support you” no matter what decision is made.  9021Luke’s dad for the win!!

We also love grandpa:  “Jo Jo, he can’t even boil water.  Good luck, Jo Jo. You’re gonna need it.” 

This part of their family visit ends with Jo Jo and 9021Luke getting on horses to ride off into the sunset.  KMu suddenly gets nervous:  “Wait, they aren’t going to spoon another horse, right?”

Nope.  9021Luke takes Jo Jo to sit on hay bales in the setting sun as he whispers that today has been a “day dream.”  Every time he is with her, his “heart gets more involved.  I see a future together.  I want that future.”

We are pretty sure that we are now in the Hallmark Cowboy Romance with Scott Eastwood and something about bullriding but we don’t really know because we fast forwarded through all of that movie except the parts with Scott Eastwood.

KMu: “He’s like right out of The Notebook or something.”

And, then, THEN Gentle Readers, 9021Luke surprises Jo Jo with a road of candles leading to a heart of flowers in the grass.

Him: “I want you to know that my heart is yours, and that it’s all of it.” 

This Author:  “Holy shit the Hallmark Cowboy Romance.  DAMN.”  

The BNU is trying to recover from All Of The Swoons as ABC forces us into the most weirdly positioned Rose Ceremony of all time:  In an Airplane Hanger.  Seriously, ABC?   After the men randomly drive up in their skinny skinny suits, we see Jo Jo in a terrible metallic blue dress which makes her look positively ashen.

“I realize I must say goodbye to 9021Luke,” says she.

WHAT?!???

All hell breaks loose at the BNU.  Babies, as we all know from all the Hallmark Cowboy Romances Everywhere, she has to PICK the cowboy, THEN let him go, so that he can come BACK to her in the end on his own terms, thereby maintaining an uneasy power dynamic in their relationship for the rest of their days.   WTF, Jo Jo. 

We have no use for Jo Jo at this point.

As she picks up a rose, 9021Luke suddenly interrupts the rose ceremony.  He takes her outside beside some plane and confesses: “After you left that night, I was thinking.  I just want you to know, I don’t know if I said the right thing and you know how I said my heart was yours?  I wanted to tell you that, but I also needed to tell you that I am in love with you, and I didn’t get to tell you that the other night, and it’s the only thing that’s been on my mind since then.”

Jo Jo thanks him because it’s the “one thing I’ve been wanting you to tell me, and the one thing I wanted to hear.” 

And then he trots back into the hanger.

And Jo Jo bursts into tears in the middle of the airplane parking lot, where she squats, wailing about how she doesn’t know what to do.

Her:  “Whose going to be the best husband for me?”

KMu:  “Definitely Jordache Jeans.”

Ahahha. 

KMu: “Seriously, how much do you want to slap her right now?”

And we end just like that:  with a CLIFF HANGER at the hanger. 

Stay tuned for next week, when we have a 2-night special.  On Monday, Jo Jo makes the “Biggest Decision of Her Life.”  On Tuesday, the Men Tell All.  Lord.

Love,

KLo

YOJO Part 7: Wrecking Ball

Babies, it has been so long since we last saw Jo Jo that we have forgotten she is still in Argentina.  As we watch her pack to go. . . somewhere else in Argentina, we are consumed with hatred for her swashbuckling boots.  KMu mutters something about “Puss n Boots” under her breath and we blaspheme the utility of over-the-knee boots in Modern Times.  ABe is disinterested, as she is meting out wine like this Viewer’s grandfather used to plant garden stakes:  crouched on the ground, eyes level to three glasses as she pours evenly.

The men are sitting around talking about the “emotional” last rose ceremony, in which Jo Jo kept both Annoying Alex and Jim Bob Taylor.  Jordache Jeans channels All of Us during this conversation:

Soon, Chris Harrison comes out to tell the men that Jo Jo is ‘incredibly strong,” so if she wanted to send people home, she totally would.  Piffle.  And more interestingly, he says that this week will have three individual dates and one group date.  “This week is HUGE,” he says, “I don’t need to remind you what’s on the line.”  We feel like we are watching the live version of a click bait headline:  “Five Reality Television Contestants Are Going Where?!?” when in reality, a few of them are just heading home for Home Town Dates next week.

Except for Robby, who is apparently going to the spa for a pedicure:

The first date card arrives for Annoying Alex:  “I goucho on my mind.”  O.M.G.  We secretly heart Chase, who tells the camera that all Alex has been talking about is the fact that he hasn’t gotten a 1:1 date. “Well now you do, so shut up.”  Ha.

So first off, we are pretty sure that portions of the Annoying Alex-Jo Jo date were filmed in Indiana, not Argentina.  Annoying Alex and Jo Jo thumb wrestle in the car (for real), eat Pringles and the Chili Cheetos of flames and regret (for anyone over 25), and drive through miles and miles of corn and wheat.  Jo Jo tells the camera that she is feeling “comfortable” with Annoying Alex, but not feeling the high romance.   Eventually, they lapse into uncomfortable silence and this drive seems like it will never end.

When this viewer was in college, we went on an awkward triple date in which At Least One Person (Not This Author), was Not Mentally Stable and another was Most Certainly Gay But In Denial.  We accidentally prolonged the awkwardness by getting lost driving to a different town for dinner (to the surprise of No One who knows this Author), requiring the whole group to spend – after an hour in the car to City B and an awkward lengthy dinner of mediocre deep dish pizza during which time the mentally unstable one of us began to cry– another two hours navigating corn fields to get back to City A.  

We are having flashbacks to this date as we watch Annoying Alex and Jo Jo stare out the window without talking.  Our trepidation only grows when we get to a ranch (Estancia) and learn that Annoying Alex is going to be like a “true Argentinian goucho.”  This should be interesting, as his trousers are currently so tight that he looks like he is wearing bicycle pant clips.

We gasp when he appears, after a quick wardrobe change, in short pants, a boy scouts tie, and a beret.   We doubly gasp when Jo Jo appears in enormous skin tight leather bell bottoms.
“How do we look?” she asks the proper-looking real-life goucho.
“NOBODY looks like that,” whispers the goucho as he stares at her back end.

We raise our glass to ABC.

So Babies, our confession is that the following part of the date was such a jacked up Nicholas Sparks novel that we kept forgetting to Take A Note.  At one point, a goucho tells Annoying Alex and Jo Jo to get on their horses and “ride from the heart” or something.  And then we find ourselves in a field watching another goucho TAKE A HORSE DOWN and MOUNT IT, yoga style, as someone is saying something about “the spiritual relationship between the horse and this animal.” And then someone else encourages Jo Jo and Annoying Alex to SPOON WITH THE HORSE and THEY DO.  Annoying Alex says he can’t describe how awesome it is to make out with Jo Jo OVER THE HORSE and feel a connection to each other. This Author’s brain has just short circuited.

We are sorry we do not have pictures.  No we are not.

After all of this trauma to This Author and All of the BNU, we go to dinner in a tiny shack with at least one dog.  It is only at this point that ABe apparently rouses herself from a Secret and Deep Power Nap:

“Whose dog is that?  What is happening?”  she demands.

If only we knew.

Alex lunges at Jo Jo, and she pulls away.  So he sells himself:  “I want to be able to crack a cold one with your brothers.”  Aaaaaand, he is “falling in love with” her.  The High Romance!

 “Ooooh shiiiiiit,” says KMu, correctly interpreting the look on Jo Jo’s face.

Jo Jo tells the camera that she doesn’t even know what to think about this proclamation, and then she tells Annoying Alex:  “When you tell me you are falling in love with me, I don’t feel as excited as I should be.” 

Ooooo.   

We begin to hear funeral parlor organ music in the background and tip our hat to the sound woman on this shit show, who at least has her sense of humor intact.

Alex tries to sell himself a little more, makes a dig at Jo Jo for kicking him off when there wasn’t even a rose on the date, and is summarily deposited into a dirty truck and eliminated From The Field.  We are celebratory, even as Jo Jo tells us all, “YOU GUYS.  I don’t know what I am doing.”  

While all of this is happening, the remaining 4 guys have gotten into a “jingle bus,” an amazing churched up school bus, and are driving to a streetside BBQ joint.  Confirming that this entire season is just a big dumpster fire, they BEAT BOX on the way:

Well, Alex was on

A motorcycle ride

It went alright

Til’ Jo Jo cried.

Yeah.  That happened.

After complaining about their ride and BBQ, all of which looks amazing to this Author, they are deposited at a Polo Club with a fancy swimming pool, which is apparently now where they will live.  Robby is still wearing his spa slippers, and we become depressed by Americans Traveling Anywhere In the World.  

Soon, the next date card arrives for Jordache Jeans.  “Let’s toast to love.”  Jim Bob is heartbroken.  Jordache Jeans prepares for his date.

He came in like a waaaater fall.  He never hit so hard in looooove.

Jordache Jeans meets Jo Jo at a private jet and they fly, over Indiana, to an alleged winery in Mendoza Argentina for wine tasting.   When they arrive, we discover that Jo Jo is wearing something like this:

While we ponder what it must be like to be pantsless at a vineyard, ABe properly notes:

“His shorts are equally bad.” Abe.

Lo, for Jordache Jeans is wearing some kind of Bermuda-y board shorts from the 1980s.

They make wine/crushed grape juice with their feet and they drink it.  THEY DRINK THE FOOT WINE. 

This author is still vomiting as Jo Jo and Jordache Jeans go to dinner, her in an outfit with various slits and him in his tiny slim pants with his hair all blowsy for the occasion.  We learn that he is not close to his famous brother, because, you know, Jordache Jeans, “chooses to have  a different life and be close with my family.”

ABe gasps.  “Ooo, he just slammed his brother.”

And then, Jordache Jeans solidifies our dislike for him:

“I got mad at Jim Bob for using the word “entitled” to describe me, because “every step of my life, I’ve been disappointed.” He continues, “I was never good enough for a coach or a teammate because I was being compared to someone who did it best.  I could have kept playing football, but football didn’t define me.”

Let’s just sit with that a minute. Nope, no white privilege OR entitlement here.

ABe: “OMG, does anyone feel sorry for this bullshit.”
ABe again:  “He reminds me of Wickham.”

Except Jo Jo is no Elizabeth Bennett.  Instead of owning his ass, the following occurs:

Jo Jo: “I think we’re on the same page . . .. ?”
Jordache Jeans:  “Are you sure?  ‘Cuz I am . . . so in love with you.” 

NOOOOOO. And also, HAHAHAHHHA.
Jo Jo: “That makes me so happy!”
ABe:  “I just threw up.  All over everything.”

This date ends with Jordache Jeans shoving Jo Jo up against a wall to make out.  Given that this is the thirdish time he has done the same thing, we have decided that it is his Signature Move, and not a result of Lasting Passion.

Meanwhile, back at the Polo Club, the next date card has come for: Chase, Jim Bob, and Robby.  “Let our love soar!” It reads.  Robby jumps down Jim Bob’s throat when Jim Bob says he doesn’t think it matters who is the “front runner” because they are all just trying to do their best.  “I am THE front runner!” He tantrums.  We hate him, and we feel bad for Jim Bob, who is genuinely a nice guy.

We miss the first part of this group date for a news brief about a shooting in a courthouse near us which has killed three officers and injured two other people.  FCK PEOPLE STOP REACHING FOR GUNS.   

We try to care about the Bachelor as we head back into the group date, which apparently has turned into relaxing in a hotel room because of rain.  Robby steals Jo Jo away for a post-rain shower walk about town, in which he reveals that he only broke up with his girlfriend of 3.5 years in December. . . so, “4.5 months ago?” says Jo Jo.  Au contraire, Jo Jo.  This means that Robby broke up with his girlfriend, got cast for the bachelorette probably sometime before that, and then started filming the damn show 6 to 8 weeks later. But don’t worry, Jo Jo, because his former girlfriend was “weird” and his priority is “my LOVE for you now” (his emphasis). 

Her:  Are you sure you’re ready for that?
Him: I am way past that relationship.”

We hate him.

Somehow, we miss Jo Jo’s 1:1 time with Chase, probably because he is so boring, and our hearts bleed for Jim Bob, who Jo Jo tells has “every quality she wants in a future husband” except, possibly, the D-bag factor she seems drawn to in all the other men. 

Robby again jumps down Jim Bob’s throat about the frontrunner thing:  “I AM the front runner because the way I FEEL tells me that.”  Yes, Robby, the way you perceive something is always the reality in fact.   

Unfortunately, Jo Jo gives the rose to Robby this date.

Robby:  “I can’t wait for her to meet my family! I’m going to fall in love all over again, and she’s going to fall in love all over again.”

KMu:  “If a woman said that, we would all be horrified.”

Chase and Jim Bob, who may be (along with 9021Luke) the least horrible of all the contestants, are forced to leave the date as Jo Jo continues with Robby (a/k/a makes out in the hotel room). KMu, for All of Us, concludes that “Jim Bob is the best human.  He’s just dumb.”

At last, we are at the final date with 9021Luke.  We are back at the ranch with the gouchos, except this time, 9021Luke is totally in his element. “He’s smart, deep, and has a way of explaining his feelings in a way that other men don’t” says Jo Jo, all of which is probably true. 

9021Luke gently works with the horses as he explains that he was 12 years old when he broke his first horse, which was an experience that taught him to be perceptive.  Aaaaand, then he and Jo Jo go riding, aaaand then skeet shooting in which he shoots every target and then teaches her to shoot the target in a non-condescending way.  Admittedly, ABC is showing 9021Luke to advantage, but we are a bit impressed.   As 9021Luke and Jo Jo kiss on a haybale, this date ends, leaving us wonder why we saw so little of it.

Back from it all, 9021Luke is the first to tell the remaining guys that Jo Jo has elected not to have a cocktail party before the rose ceremony.  Chase and Jim Bob are in a panic, as they are most certain that one of them is going home.

So one hard edit later, the men are taking a horse drawn carriage to the rose ceremony.  We see Robby with his rose and KMu mutters darkly about “crimes against humanity.”

Joining him will be:

1.  9021Luke

2. Jordache Jeans

3. Chase

Poor, poor Jim Bob goes home.  She tells him that he made her a better person, he tells her that he gave it his all.  He tries to soak her in because it is the last time that he will see her, and basically is super sweet.   “I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seen rain,” sings KMu softly.  We all wonder if ABC is setting Forest Gump up to be the next bachelor.

Stay tuned for next week, in which we meet the families. OOOO.

  Love, KLo

YOJO Part 4th of July Trickery

Babies, we were all a-cozy for the Bachelorette when. . . we discovered that ABC had engaged in 4th of July trickery and delayed YOJO the Next Part until next week.  Boo hiss.

We shall see you next week.