McConaughey Part 4: The Four Sacred Questions of Perspective

Babies, it has been a long week.  We are not ready for McConaughey Part 4 even as Chris Harrison announces that there will be 2 group dates, 1 individual date, and … McConaughey’s three sisters will be selecting the woman for the 1:1 date.  Oooo.   He leaves them with date card #1 “Let’s do what feels natural.”  We steal some of ABe’s sushi so that we can Eat Our Feelings.

This particular date is for No Child Left Behind, Misty, Crazy Eyes, Juelia/Julia, Fran Kardashian, Kelsey, 1994, and the Alleged Samantha, a woman that has gotten zero air time to date.   Babies, a metric ton of chemicals were used in the making of this scene (or minerals, or nutrients, or whatever).  Lo, for no sooner than the date card has arrived, that the shellacking of the faces and the spraying of the hair begins.  It is like the girls’ gym locker room circa age 13, only minus all the swearing.  We don’t know whether we are more freaked out by that particular memory or by Kelsey, who says “I’m the only natural one here!” and then cackles like a witch.

Suddenly, “Is Fran Kardashian putting on A WEAVE?” demands ABe.  “You totally can’t see it,” reassures 1994. 

And now this viewer is having a seizure because the women are driving to the lake, also known as 1994’s “favorite place in the world.”  And first Fran Kardashian is wearing an American flag bikini, and then she is wearing a child-size black tank top tucked up underneath said flags, and then she gets out of the car and we see that SHE IS WEARING THIS:

“Is that a V-neck for her va-J?” asks KMu. 

Babies, there are jean shorts involved.  And no zipper.  This Viewer has worn a fair number of womens’ pants over the years, but we have no memory of them being capable of unzipping down to the inseam.  AND ALSO, Fran Kardashian is just…. Skin… down to the inseam.  We at the BNU are traumatized. “AND she has a weave,” reminds ABe.  

They all jump into the lake and we secretly wish we could see the oil spill emanating out from their young bodies.  McConaughey is delighted to see how they behave in a “normal” setting, and Fran Kardashian wants to be “be herself so bad” that she takes her top off.  Unsurprisingly, Misty takes off her bottoms.  We are liking Kelsey less and less, but she makes a valid point when she says, for All Of Us, “this is a date for bimbos.”

The women pretend to have fun playing Red Rover in bikinis, and once again, Kelsey the Oracle speaks for all of us:  “We are in the middle of nowhere in very muddy water.  I am from Michigan, and if you want to see nice lakes, go there.  My face is getting skinnier from fake smiling.”  And then she gets stung by a bee.

 Soon, they are putting up tents because surprise! They are spending the night! Fran Kardashian is continuing her virgin monologues:  “I’m a camping virgin, and also, a virgin camping.”  Sigh.  We understand she wants to get to page 345 of the romance she has told herself, A Prince for Frannie, in which, on a moonlit and muddy lagoon, Our Hero discovers that he Must Have Her, they do it in the bushes, and he marries her the next day.  However, it must be so exhausting to live continuously in a state of availability.   

Sadly, Frannie will have to wait a little longer, as McConaughey is grilling steak kebabs.  This Viewer vomits a little because steak and green peppers have never gone well together in our world, we don’t care what anyone says.

In 1:1 times that follow, Misty advises McConaughey that she feels like they are on a “good level” because with them, “we don’t ever jump into anything too deep.”  McConaughey tells her he is a touchy-feely guy, and she says that buying things don’t make her happy.  What?

At the fire, the other women are doing tequila shots.  Fran Kardashian is re-applying makeup.  Crazy Eyes starts hiccupping and chanting.  1994 asks, “Do you believe in aliens?  Because this would be a perfect area to abduct me and probe me.”  No words. 

And then this happens:

Crazy Eyes to McConaughey: “What are you? What are you?”

The chocolate falls from this Viewer’s lips as we realize that we speak the language of Crazy Eyes.  Lo, for this Viewer speaks in short hand periodically (to the surprise of No One), which may or may not involve such things as “What are you? What are you?” (ie, “what are you doing”) or “when are you? When are you?” (ie, “when are you getting here/there”).   And while it may be unsurprising that we have found our verbal twinnie on The Bachelor, we are a little dismayed that it is Crazy Eyes, who then proceeds to freak McConaughey out by a declaration of love while “circus music” plays, concludes KMu.

Blah Blah Misty gets the rose on this date, and announces that she is drunk in her acceptance speech.  But the horrors are not over because Fran Kardashian has decided to sneak into McConaughey’s tent and talk about her virginity in conceptual terms:  “I’ve never had a boyfriend before….I’m freaking inexperienced in every possible way.”  This Viewer just wants to take Fran Kardashian into the corner, peel her eyelashes off, wash her face, and give her some pants.  But McConaughey is neither picking up on the message or the miserable little girl behind it because she woke him out of a dead sleep. 

Unfortunately, Fran Kardashian leaves the tent satisfied that he has understood enough to “kind of probe at that area later on.” ABe falls off the sofa.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Britney, Bitch is snoring poolside with a black box over her tuckus when McConaughey’s three sisters come to visit:  Lori, Jackie, and Lisa.   We like the sisters, one of whom came from Ireland to interview the women and decide who will get the 1:1 date.   But then we imagine our sisters selecting a date for us and get nervous.

Soon the Crow is explaining that she is from Kentucky but lives in Chicago where she is A FERTILITY NURSE (ghahahah), Britt is blathering on about how she feels she is a “front runner,” and Carly is crying about how she has never had a guy be “very nice to her” (“This show is not therapy,” mutters ABe from stage left).  Suddenly, we are impressed by Jade, who is actually from a small town in Nebraska even though she has lived in LA for the last 2 years.  And she just launched her own makeup company.  And also, seems kind of normal, albeit a little shy.

 Eventually, the sisters leave and a date card arrives… for Jade!!  “Your presence is requested at our royal ball tomorrow evening from 8 am until Midnight…’

“Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo” sings KMu. 

Both Britt and Fran Kardashian are super jealous.  Fran Kardashian is also furious because “Whenever someone asks me to describe myself, I call myself a hopeless romantic Disney princess. NO ONE would appreciate this date more than me.”  - a line which she delivers in zero pants on a 

leather sofa.  

We drink through the extended feature whereby some lady with pink hair helps Jade pick out a dress, gifts Jade with Neil Lane earrings that she gets to keep and glass slippers, and forces her to watch a clip of the new Cinderella film coming to a theater near you.   As Jade floats out to the car, we see McConaughey practicing his dance steps and Fran Kardashian throwing a hissy because SHE wanted the princess date (in case we missed that memo).

In sum, we like Jade.  She tells McConaughey she was engaged once before, and that living in LA can be hard because it’s not easy to make friends, and she generally seems to have some common sense.  McConaughey appears to be a bit star struck, and we can only be thankful that he is not seeing Fran Kardashian in this moment, who has dressed up in the special dress she purchased for what the “princess date” she assumed she would be going on, and is now eating corn on the cob alone. 

We go back to the Jade-McConaughey date, where McConaughey is concluding that Jade is a “cute, perfect girl from the Midwest.”  We are having a hard time paying attention because there is a forlorn looking rose sitting beside some creepy ice sculptured piece of a leg and glass slipper.  

Did you see that impotent rose?” asks ABe.

Oh, I thought you meant Fran Kardashian “ says KMu.

Jade eventually gets the rose, and then she and McConaughey go dance the waltz on a pedestal in front of a live mini-orchestra and a big screen television playing yet more scenes from the new Cinderella movie.  Jade then runs down the stairs as the clock strikes midnight.

“I felt like we were in a fairy tale,” McConaughey says.  “Hopefully Jade and I’s fairy tale becomes a reality.”

“I share in that realty, so long as the fairy tale becomes grammar lessons.” Says KMu, for All of Us.

At last, date card #3 comes for some person named Nikki; Britney, Bitch; the Crow, Carly, Britt, Julie/Juelia, and Hemingway.  “Let’s get dirty,” it says.  The card also came with a bunch of wedding dresses, but we are more interested in the rayon floral romper that Carly stole from this Viewer’s closet circa 1992. 

Babies, because this is so boring, we cut to the chase:  The women are going to do the Muckfest race for MS, which is basically a giant obstacle course in the mud, while wearing wedding dresses.  We cannot but feel that Britney, Bitch has the advantage, given that her dress is knee-length.  She also has the incentive, as whomever wins the race, gets the 1:1 date with McConaughey.

 Halfway through the race, Julie/Juelia is mudspattered and done:  “I have balls swinging in my face,” says she.

Says KMu, “If I had a nickel for every time.”

Needless to say, Britney, Bitch is miles ahead of everyone, and gets the date.   McConaughey says something to the camera about her being “one of the top 3” contenders, and we at the BNU scream “WHAT?” simultaneously.  Fortunately, Britney, Bitch takes care of things on her own by saying she has no idea what she wants to do in the next five years, talking obsessively about weightlifting and diet, and then attempting to play a horrible game of “would you rather” in which she displays a stunning lack of compassion or social awareness by offering the choice between being celibate for five years with sleeping with a homeless woman who she describes as having a bird in her hair and unknown diseases. 

Fortunately, McConaughey is well aware that he on an “interview date” in which he is basically keeping the conversation going by occasional murmured questions or the well placed “really?” while Britney, Bitch talks constantly about herself and never asks him anything.  ABC thinks this is funny and unusual, and highlights McConaughey’s admission that he was thinking about “unicorns and fairies” as she was talking.  This Viewer smokes a mental cigarette for Woman Everywhere, all of whom have suffered through at least one of these dates out of every two she has gone on, and also, at most professional meetings. 

In a stunning reversal of fortune, McConaughey sends Britney, Bitch packing.  We feel bad for her in that moment, because she actually drops the bravado for a fraction of a second.   But then we feel a little worried for McConaughey, who is suddenly reflecting on the fact that he’s 33, single, wanting to be married for ever, and there must be something wrong with him if he can’t find a wife this way.  Oh dear.

At last it is the rose ceremony.  Fran Kardashian is either wearing her “Princess dress” again or she never took it off.  No Child Left Behind steals McConaughey away to let him know that she is “here for him and him alone… I just lost my train of thought.”  She makes up for it by blindfolding McConaughey and making him do a taste test of fruit and chocolate “involving three of your five senses… taste, smell, and I can’t remember the third one.”  This Viewer has pulled her turtleneck up to her eyeballs by the time we are finished with this meal.  “What do you call that?” asks McConaughey.  “Um, I’m just going to call it ‘Pick which of the Five Senses….’” Says No Child Left Behind, and trails off. 

Things do not improve when Fran Kardashian steps up to the plate and finally, finally says “I’m a virgin.  But don’t worry about it.  It’s not like, something that I’m super serious about…”

KMu: So, I could like lose it right here, right now.  In my princess dress.”

Fran Kardashian:  “And there you go.  Now it’s out.”

KMu:  “That’s what she said.”

But soon Fran Kardashian goes from thrilled to crying because crisis, McConaughey did not make a move on her after her announcement.  Oh!  What if he wants to be with someone more promiscuous!  Oh! What if she screwed everything up!  She cries to 1994.  She cries to Carly.  She cries to Hemingway.  She cries in the bathroom.  She cries on the sofa.

Gentle readers, this Viewer’s sister, SHa, has what are called the FOUR SACRED QUESTIONS OF PERSPECTIVE:

1. Do I have plenty to eat?

2. Is anyone shooting at me?

3. Am I a child bride in Saudi Arabia?

4.  Am I pregnant with Kevin Federline’s ninth illegitimate child?

If the answer to #1 is yes, and the answers to #2,3, and 4 are no, you are going to be ok.  And respectfully, Fran Kardashian, while you may deny yourself #1 and romanticize #3, you are perfectly fine.  However, if you do not stop this idiocy, you will soon be facing #2 from everyone at the BNU (All Of Us).  The end, by KLo.

And then, the most beautiful thing happens.  In a moment downplayed by ABC, as Fran Kardashian is crying to yet more people about being a virgin, Hemingway says completely calmly, “yeah, me too.  And no, I haven’t told McConaughey – it’s just never come up.” 

Fran Kardashian sucks in all her teeth.  Hemingway, FOR THE WIN of all thunder-stealing thunder. 

As the rose ceremony draws to a close, Britt manages to tick off McConaughey by spending her entire 1:1 time criticizing his perceived behavior with the other women, prompting him to make a spontaneous announcement that if any of the women don’t think he’s there to find a wife, they can sod off.   And then, joining Misty and Jade with roses, he picks:

1.  The Crow

2. Carly

3. No Child Left Behind

4. The Alleged Samantha

5.  1994

6.  Kelsey

7.  Hemingway

8. Fran Kardashian, ….. AND

9.  Brit.

WTF.  A girl we don’t recognize, who must be Nikki, goes home, as does Julie/Juelia and Crazy Eyes.  We appreciate McConaughey’s heart felt comments to Julie/Juelia about how someone will find her and be so lucky.  We also appreciate Crazy Eyes, who speaks for all of us on the occasion of her dismissal:  “I feel nothing. I’m not actually upset about it.”

Stay tuned for next week, when we all go to Santa Fe, New Mexico to ride hot air balloons and see Kelsey throw herself down the stairs in a fit of anguish.

- KLo

McConaughey Part 3: Roll The Cob

This Viewer was less than thrilled about Jimmy Kimmel joining the bachelor because, As They Say, “in case I’m not enough of a freak already, let’s add a tiara.”  However, after he begins the episode by waking McConaughey amidst all the pelts (we don’t know if they are pelts, but it looks like it), calling the women “sister wives,” and introducing an “amazing” jar for anytime anyone uses that uninventive word, we decide he may be ok.

He bring date card #1 for Kaitlyn:  “You and Chris are about to join an exclusive club, with hors d’oeuvres, nice linen, and a sweeping view.”  We wonder if they are Flying The First Class, but instead we all go to Cosco, and discover that Kaitlyn is wearing this:

Kaitlyn stands up to reveal a Fruit of The Loom Sari, with half of a white leotard because why not, coupled with a long jersey skirt.  And also, a red and white checked lumberjacket. We gasp.

Her real name needs to be like, Misty or Ja-Ja-Ja-Jasmine,” says ABe.  “Not Kaitlyn.”

Kimmel has left a note for McConaughey and Misty:  “I’m coming for dinner, so please get things…..” including an office chair and “enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.”  We are a little traumatized as McConaughey concludes that shopping for all 19 kids and Counting is like a normal couple thing, and also the part where they get inside some inflatable ball womb, and several children roll them down the Costco aisle.  However this is made all better when A Random Woman advises them that the “cooked chicken is delicious.”

Soon, they are “cooking” together. “He was like, seasoning up the steaks, and I was pouring the bourbon, and it was totally real!” says Misty.  We appreciate her view of cooking.  For his part, McConaughey admires her because shopping together, which is not a thing that couples do ever, could have “been a train wreck but she made it so natural,” earning her a kiss on the sofa while Misty holds herself preternaturally still. 

 We learn that Misty has a laugh “like a man” and McConaughey has a laugh “like a girl.”   Then Le Kimmel joins them, and we discover that Misty dated one farmer before, but is incapable of describing what kind of farm he had other than, “like, cows.”  And also, that she would not be upset if McConaughey slept with everyone in the fantasy suit because “you can’t buy a car without taking it for a test drive.” 

After Le Kimmel describes himself as “a kind of lubricant.  I’m here to smooth things through,” and the three of them develop some kind of sexual reference for “checking the potstickers,” we at the BNU must Walk. It. Off. 

She gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the House of Horrors, date card #2 has come:  “Are you ready to meet some real party animals?” It is for Britney, Bitch; 1994; Amber who is Vaguely Black; Kelsey; Crazy Eyes; Julie/Juelia; and a whole cast of characters that have gotten no air time to date:  Becca, Tracy, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly the Singer.   Babies, we know this show as sure as we made it:  We are about to witness A Street Fight Scene in which at least four extras will be eliminated, including the vaguely black one.

That night, Britney, Bitch begins preparing with some impressive lifting of weights.  Kelsey watches her for a bit and then concludes, “Well, if that’s my competition, I’ve got to do some pushups and find some child-size shorts.”   Kelsey, FOR THE WIN.

The next morning, Le Kimmel brings the group to the “Hoedown Throwndown.”  Yeeeeesssss.  1994 looks really confused as he gently explains the way this works:

A. The first woman to shuck 50 ears of corn…..

B. Runs to the chicken pen, where they must grab an egg and fry it.  If you crack the yolk, you will be eliminated (this Viewer would be eliminated at this point) and then runs to….

C. The goat milking station.  “One is a male, so it’s gonna be really weird,” says Kimmel.  Yes, that is the only weird thing.

D. After filling 8 ounces of mile and drinking it, the survivors must fill a wheelbarrow with manure and then…

E. Wrestle a pig.  First one to pin the pork, so to speak, wins. 

We watch the following segment several times.  Carly the Singer; Britney, Bitch, and 1994 are neck and neck into the chicken coop, but 1994 is disqualified after sticking her thumb in her egg.   Suddenly boxes are appearing over the backside of Britney, Bitch because her child-size shorts Have Ridden Up.  But it is Kelsey who starts to feel sick because she has to drink “warm, unpasteurized goat milk.”  Amber who is Vaguely Black commiserates:  “the goat milk is salty and warm, not the stuff I like in my mouth.”  Because this is a PG blog, This Viewer will only say that she is unlikely to reach the Fantasy Suite.

And then Britney, Bitch literally jumps the pig fence, American Ninja Warrior style.  Says Britt, for All of Us:  “You have to put that in slo mo.  Because that was the most epic move I have ever seen.”  And ABC does it, gentle readers. 

It is at this point, that we at the BNU feel compelled to offer the following Public Service Announcement.  Leggings Are Not Pants, as we have often preached.  But it is also true that NO PANTS ARE NOT PANTS.  Because, regardless of what you are wearing or not wearing, the staff of the BNU should not “be able to identify your labia majora,” concludes KMU. 

So for the love of God, Britney, Bitch, we need to stop seeing this in relation to you:  

Carly the Singer ends up winning the Hoedown Throwndown, and her award is taking American Gothic style photos with McConaughey.  Whee.  We like her fine, and understand why at the cocktail party portion of the date, she aggressively seeks time with him Including But Not Limited to a Kiss after that lame prize.  It’s just that she is over-tweezed to the point she looks perpetually surprised.

“She is wearing her date eyebrows,” says ABe.

Also at the cocktail party, Amber Who is Vaguely Black decides to make McConaughey dance with her, which Never Works Not Ever unless the man is a natural dancer and also, Even Then it Does Not Work.  But we do not have time to be embarrassed for her because we are now watching from underneath the safety of our scarf.  Lo, for 1994 is raking McConaughey over the coals because she was the first person he kissed, which made her feel “special,” but now she doesn’t feel special anymore because he’s kissing other women.  And then she unhinges her jaw and This Viewer Is Not Making It Up:

She later concludes that she may have “blown it,” with McConaughey.  Lord, we hope so.

“1994 needs to go,” says ABe.  Preach.

 Off we go to 1:1 time with Becca the Chiropractic Assistant, who looks like Mariel Hemingway.  After some discussion about her being there for the Right Reasons, she friend zones him when he goes in for the kiss because their relationship is “very new.” Wait, no.  HE friend zones HER.   We watch this back several times and are confused, possibly because KMu has Delivered Unto Us Thin Mints and we are now no longer paying attention.

Hemingway gets the rose on this date, which is eclipsed only by Crazy Eyes’ look of “WTF ARE YOU MAD, YOUNG MAN” in the background.  Carly the Singer is heartbroken and feels “terrible.”  Well it’s too late, baby, yeah, it’s too late.

At last date card #3 arrives, and it is for The Crow.  “Today is going to be fun.  No whining.” It says.  The Crow is ecstatic, opening her mouth to scratch the nails on the chalkboard and also, drive a dagger through this Viewer’s earlobes. 

“Can you see penises shriveling everywhere (at the sound of her voice)?” says this Viewer.

“Dude, MY penis is shriveling,” says KMu.

Soon we are in the car with The Crow, and she is wearing black.  ABC apparently chose not to show any of the real part of this date, which was dinner at a winery, because the Crow and McConaughey have decided to crash a wedding and that is much more interesting.    Here are the salient points:  The Crow creates a fictional story about how she is McConaughey’s fiancé, which gets them in the door to the wedding party, where the Crow lies TO THE BRIDE’S MOTHER about how she met Shannon, a makeup artist, a long time ago.  We are simultaneously amazed and horrified, but deeply, deeply grateful that ABC basically can only catch what The Crow is saying in bits.

McConaughey is star-struck because what he really wants in a wife is someone who can “roll the cob and have random conversations with people.”

“Did he just say ‘Roll The Cob?’” says the entire BNU.
“When I roll my cob, it’s in butter.” Says KMu.
ABE snorts.
I mean actual corn, ABe.”

And then they end up on the dance floor with the bride and groom while some person named Matt White croons, “for all the words and wild nights and the spoonin.”
“Is that a real lyric?” demands KMu.

As McConaughey and The Crow creep off from the wedding reception, he is very drunk.  They kiss and we hate her voice, but he is completely in love because she made the date herself, and also, now he can imagine the Crow being his wife.  NOOOOO.  The only thing good about that scenario is that she would not be the next bachelorette.

She gets the rose.

At last it is the rose ceremony day, except there will be a pool party instead of a rose ceremony.  Fran Kardashian is extremely upset because she apparently had a “Kardashian look” planned for the evening, and now it’s ruined! Ruined, I tell you!!!

Britney, Bitch once again is not wearing any pants.  But the real story is Julie/Juelia, dressed in a flower headband  and wearing the Poppy lipstick sample given to this Viewer by her Grandmother circa 100 years ago.  “When the mooooon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars..” sings KMu.   But soon even Hair cannot stop this slow moving trainwreck because Julie/Juelia has decided that now, at this very pool party, is the time to reveal to McConaughey that her husband killed himself and then also, to sob on his shoulder about it.

 “Listen, honey, you should not be on that show.” says ABe. And we all feel tired for women who think a relationship is going to save them from dealing with their own shit, and also for Julie/Juelia, who really ought to be in therapy right now and not being filmed from behind a bush while talking about Hard Things dressed like a Fauxppi. 

Things take another turn for the ridiculous when Britt has somewhat forced 1:1 with McConaughey and uses it to suck his face, and then Jade invites herself back to McConaughey’s house, where she jumps into his bed in “Bette Midler’s top from Beaches” (concludes KMu) and stripper heels, so that she can be more comfortable explaining how this process is “so hard” for her.  For the second time in McConaughey Part 3, we have to Walk. It. Off.  When “sexy music” starts playing during this scene.

Meanwhile, Britney, Bitch has made her way down to McConaughey’s hot tub and won’t leave. She pounces on him as he leaves the house with Jade, and then monopolizes his time as Fran Kardashian (wearing a head thong), 1994 (in a flower onesie), and No Child Left Behind (in bondage swimwear) huddle in the bushes negotiating how they are going to divide their 1:1 time.  “Do I look like a crack whore?” wonders No Child Left Behind, because it’s very important that she looks ah-may-zing for this moment.

Long story short, things do not go as planned.  Britney, Bitch refuses to leave the hot tub, which causes Fran Kardashian to flee in tears, dramatically dropping her plastic wineglass behind her like a glass slipper.  It bounces down the driveway as she cries to the camera about “fairness” and not hogging 1:1 time.  But, she feels better rapidly when she manages to corner McConaughey and give him what some might call “enthusiastic” kisses and what this viewer shall merely call “really gross.’  She nearly knocks him off the parapet.

At last, it is the rose ceremony for realz.  We don’t get to see any of the womens’ dresses and are very bitter about it until McConaughey begins to call their names.  He picks, to join Misty, Hemingway, and The Crow with roses:

1.  Jade, in a lace bandaid with matching lace headband.  WTF.

2. Samanatha.  Who is this???

3. Julie/Juelia

4. 1994.  WHAT???

5.  Kelsey.  (No Child Left Behind begins to feel unsafe.  Will she pass the test??)

6. Britt

7. No Child Left Behind, whom we discover to have forgotten her top. Thank god she found some arrowheads in the field behind the mansion to keep her neck warm.

8. Carly the Singer. 

9.  Crazy Eyes.  Again, WHAT??

10. Some person named Nikki.

11. Britney, Bitch. Aaaaand.

12. Fran Kardashian.  Our only satisfaction here is that she had asked McConaughey to pick her first.

So basically, Amber who is Vaguely Black got the axe on MLK day.  We are depressed. Tracy (who we never knew) and TreeNAH also get the axe. 

Stay tuned for next week, when some of the women live out their own fractured fairy tales.  I wish, more than anything, more than life, more than THE moon to go to that particular festival, Babies, but it will have to wait until next week. 

KLo.

McConaughey Part 2: Zombie Apocalypse

This Viewer doesn’t like it when the women come back after getting the axe, and so we bare our teeth when McConaughey Part 2 jolts us back to the end of McConaughey Part 1, with Kimberley walking back into the house to beg a few minutes of his time and a second chance.  She tearfully dances for her life, and McConaughey saves her, but only after The Harrison serves up a steaming pile:  “This is your life, so there are no rules to that.”  Oh Harrison, there may be no rules, but there are truths, including this one:  Picking The Bimbo That Looks Like A Brachiosaurus Will Never End Well.

As McConaughey explains his decision to the other women, Britney, Bitch gives a slow clap “because that’s how I feel about it.” 

And then we can’t process any more because it is morning, and McConaughey is wearing a salmon shirt of rage.  We hear dolphins screaming.

“What is up with the salmon on this show?” asks KMu. For All Of Us.

But the Harrison wants to know “how awesome is it that right up your drive way are 23 of the hottest women you’ve ever dated?”  Yes, there may be hotter, but he let them go last evening.   And then he leaves McConaughey to change from The Salmon Rage into nothing more than a blue hoodie sweatshirt, on which he carefully twiddles the zipper to reveal the appropriate level of naked chestiness as the Harrison goes to talk to the women. 

The women coo about how their faces hurt from smiling, and how McConaughey was equally toothy at the rose ceremony.  “Oh, Chris was smiling last night because he was blown away by all of you.” Says Harrison.

“That’s what’s called ‘filling in the narrative,’” mutters ABe.  Word.

Harrison leaves date card #1, for Jade, Tandra, the Brachiosaurus, McKenzie, Kei$ha, and one of the Ashleys who looks exactly like if Fran Drescher were born a Kardashian.  “Show me your country.” It reads.  This Viewer is pretty sure that these womens’ country involves no pants from Sea to Shining Sea, and we begin to sweat.

McConaughey is still twiddling with his zipper, but eventually he announces that the women are going to a pool party.  Cowboy boots are worn with bikinis, chicken is played, drinks are had, and then McConaughey offers to introduce himself again to the Brachiosaurus, as they were not able to talk at the first rose ceremony.  She later says to the camera, “he’s such a gentleman.  So kind.”

“Are they interviewing her on the sidewalk?” demands ABe as traffic screams by.  “In a bikini?”

While we are trying to wrap our heads around this, Megan (in a giant fishing net) and Britney, Bitch (wearing a black censored box over her bottoms) sneak over to McConaughey’s house to look around.  Megan, who has been overserved, tries on the motorcycle helmet, admires that it is “so hard!” and then rams her head into the brick wall, the wood wall, and the refrigerator to make sure it is safe.  “I’m losing brain cells!” she says.  Babies, the BNU presents to you the effects of No Child Left Behind.

 But back on the group date we go, where the group is now crossing the streets of LA in bikinis and shoes in order to  . . . race tractors in downtown LA.  

When this viewer was a child, the second cassette tape we ever owned was Footloose.  Like Kevin Bacon in a barn, we would fling our young body around the house in wild abandon to the smooth song stylings of Footloose while our mother hid in the kitchen for her safety until one day, as we were Holding Out for a Hero, we high kicked ourselves in the head and woke up on our back.  

Nonetheless, as our eyes fall upon the tractors, we begin to wonder if we will finally learn where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods? Where’s the street wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?  We sing to ourselves, “Ah!  AHHHHH!!”

Somehow, the women learn to start their tractors and, having been given permission to kill themselves with large machinery, take off at about 2 miles an hour.  Where is the ditch?  Where is the shoelace tied to the gas pedal?  We are sorely disappointed when, with minimal drama, Fran Kardashian wins the race.  Her “prize” is sharing a tractor seat with McConaughey for a few minutes while she shoves her boob in his face.  

 Back at the ranch, Julie/Juelia tells the women that she is a widow with a young child, because her husband killed himself.  This is terrible, and all of the women are crying, including but not limited to brunette with fake eyelashes #3.  We are a little worried that Julie/Juelia is not ready to be on this show, and also, that we don’t know who this brunette is.  

 Yet another hard edit back to the group date that doesn’t end, and we are shocked to discover that McConaughey has picked McKenzie to continue the group date 1:1.  Gentle readers, she is 21.  This means that she was born in The Year of Our Lord 1994.  And she is wearing overall shorts, which this Viewer was also wearing, and not in an ironic way, in 1994.  We begin drinking as Kei$ha cries about walking away empty-handed, and Fran Kardashian says she feels “gyped” out of time with McConaughey, since all she got was the lousy tractor seat.

So McConaughey takes 1994 to a bar in order to celebrate her ability to drink in this country, where she asks if McConaughey had pierced ears at one point (he did). Lo, for she is “super observant about weird stuff!”  She reassures him that he has a “perfectly good nose” and that she likes big noses.  And also, wants to know if he believes in aliens.

“Come on,” says KMU. “If I am dating a farmer, of course I’m going to ask about that because hello”…. “CROP CIRCLES” finishes this Viewer.  

But back with McConaughey, 1994 is in awe because “I haven’t been on a date in so long.  It’s been like, …. a year.  Which makes this all like …. New!” And then this happens:

1994:  “There is like something, really super scary and hard to tell you.”

McConaughey:  “Take a breath.”

KMu:  “I just got my period last week.”

1994 goes on to confess that she has a son, and now we know that she is completely safe for this week because McConaughey would be a turd to cut the single mother in the first rose ceremony after such a confession, even if she’s got more hair than wit.  She gets the rose.

“Clearly, I underestimate the men on this show, always,” says ABe.

We flash back, for a moment, to the house, where Whitney the Fertility Nurse is, for once, not talking about inseminating something.  Instead, she is talking to Fran Kardashian on the house.  Gentle readers, there is so much "contouring" happening on their respective faces that it looks like they both have beards. 

Eventually, Date card #2 comes and it is for No Child Left Behind.  As she reads it (“Love is a Natural Wonder”), she asks the women, “This doesn’t mean like a date, right?  It’s just like a love note.”    As this is happening, 1994 is talking about the five times McConaughey kissed her on their date, and we are distracted because we have discovered Amber, who is “vaguely black,” in the words of ABe.  Viva la POC! 

McConaughey picks up No Child Left Behind, who is actually in a normal outfit without obscene amounts of makeup.  They take a limo to a private jet in order to board a helicopter.  And after they’ve finished fracking North Dakota and smoking a cigarette on top of a leaking oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, they decide to enjoy a picnic at the Grand Canyon. 

This Author has fond memories of visiting The Grand Canyon with our family, as we were able to capture such majestic views as our sister SHa flipping us off, and our sister ERo in pasty splendor, beside a cactus.

At any rate, No Child Left Behind is explaining that her boss brought the Bachelor to her attention and encouraged her to go on the show:

“Rather than fire you,” says KMu, “why don’t you take a looooong sabbatical.”

And then her father died in a terrible way, and, once again, while that is legitimately terrible, we begin to wonder if Loss is a pre-requisite for coming on this show.  As No Child assures McConaughey that she is there for the “right reasons” (everybody drink), McConaughey concludes that she is a “strong woman with a huge heart.”  Oh! She has never had this feeling in her “entire life!” Oh!  He thinks it’s amazing to be kissing No Child Left Behind in the Grand Canyon. 

She gets the rose.

Back at the ranch, date card #3 has come for TreeeeNAH; Kelsey; Friendly Skies Britney, Bitch; Crazy Eyes, Kaitlyn, Julie/Juelia, Britt, Amber Who Is Vaguely Black, and maybe some others.  “’Til Death Do Us Part,” it says.  Oooooo.

As their limo approaches some kind of burned out warehouse and ghostly figures start whipping around it, the level of screetching emanating therefrom approximates the level of alcohol now being consumed by This Viewer.  Amber Who Is Vaguely Black says, for all of us, “this is my worst nightmare.”  And our love for Kelsey takes a giant step backwards when she cackles about Chris surprising them when he opens the door.

So the deal is that the women have to “kill some zombies” with paintball guns and find a light beacon in the dead dead dead of night. Kaitlyn is thrilled because this is “like Call of Duty.”  Britt is excited because she is “amazing at paintball.”  We secretly wonder if the zombies aren't castoffs from past Bachelor seasons. And Crazy Eyes doesn’t seem to really understand that she’s there to shoot zombies, and not the other women. Kaitlyn speaks the truth:  “Look, do NOT put any kind of weapon in Crazy Eyes’ hands. Whether a fork or a paint ball gun.”

For the next half an hour, there is constant screaming.  So basically, it’s like the American Girl store, only with Zombies.

Then Crazy Eyes finds the Peyote: 

“I feel like I’m like, in the Mesa Verde.”

“I would never shoot a person, ever, but it might ricochet.”

“What is this, what is this?” (Amber Who is Vaguely Black offers, “um, a candle?”)

And then with McConaughey:  “I heard the truth, and the truth is like Boom.  Go, like go.  Go find your own way to the boom.” And also:  “you don’t want to lose the whole world, but actually gain the whole world.  You don’t want to lose your whole soul.” At some point, it is no longer funny and we begin to worry that ABC has legitimately cast a crazy person on this show, given her a paintball gun, and unleashed her on the masses.  Because Mike Fleiss would never do that.

When last we see Crazy Eyes, she is on her hands and knees, talking to a stray cat.

After several 1:1s where we learn that Kaitlyn tends to “put her life on hold” for men and McConaughey gives a card to Britt saying “free kiss, from Chris” (“Because he hasn’t been giving any of those out lately,” observes ABe), Kaitlyn gets the rose on this date.   Kaitlyn is so decidedly the wrong name for this woman, but we continue to have no words.

While this is happening, some lady named Jordan is extremely drunk at the house.  She twerks and We Cannot Unsee It.  And she talks in detail about the hairy asscrack of Britney, Bitch.  This Viewer is having an Afghan Moment with her scarf.  

Finally, it is the rose ceremony.  Whitney, who we have not seen much of lately, is wearing skin-tight red which shows off her little twiggy gumby legs and the harshness of her demeanor.  She is like a crow, somehow.  A blonde, terrifying crow.  We have to hear her speak again, as she gives McConaughey whisky “from Iahwah” which we think is “Iowa.”

KMu, for All of Us:  “I CANNOT TAKE IT.”  (her voice).

As this is happening, Fran Kardashian reveals that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend before.  1994 reacts like the pages of a bodice-ripper written the year she was born:   “That is so cool that you’re a virgin.  Because guys like taking your virginity.  And Chris is going to be really kind.”   And also: “When Fran Kardashian told me she was a virgin, I was like, so jealous. I can’t even use that because I have a kid.”  No, but perhaps you could star in “A Baby for the Bachelor,” 1995’s Harlequin Sequel to this shitshow.

In 1:1 time with Fran Kardashian, things only devolve.  She tells McConaughey that she has a “princess Jasmine belly ring” which is (drum roll) a MAGIC LAMP.  Fran K tells him that he has three wishes on her belly button from now until “whenever” but that he has to rub it first. 

ABE:  “I’m a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way.”

KMU:  “I wish for Robin Williams to come out:  ‘ Heeellllllloooooo!!!!”

As this Viewer is still trying to assimilate Fran K and her bellybutton Not Found In Nature, we are blindsided when she suddenly wraps her tallons around McConaughey and hoovers his face. This is the worst kiss ever on the Bachelor Part Last Two Seasons, and we are traumatized.

Blah Blah Amber Who Is Vaguely Black gets in on the action, Britt tears up because this is All So Real, and drunk Jordan is too drunk to even converse with McConaughey. 

We don’t care who he picks.  They all look alike and are equally terrible, but McConaughey declares that he can see his wife in the room (that would be the ghost of Christmas future, crying softly in the corner).  Joining 1994, No Child Left Behind, and Kaitlyn with roses, he picks.

1. Britt

2. Fran Kardashian.

3.  TreeNAH

4. Kelsey

5. Some brunette named Samantha

6. Julie/Juelia  [Britney, Bitch thinks her name is read, walks out, slips on the carpet, and then over-compensates with a shrill laugh].

7. Amber Who is Vaguely Black

8. Tracy?  We don’t know her.

9.  Britney, Bitch.

10. Jade. 

11. Nikki.  ABE:  “Who’s Nikki???”

12.  Becca. Again, we do not know this person. 

13.  Carly the singer.

14.  The Crow

15.  Crazy Eyes. 

Whoa.  Axing Jordan the Alcoholic is understandable.  But he picked Crazy Eyes over Kei$ha, the Branchiosaurus, and Friendly Skies??  Making this Viewer feel sad for pretty girls everywhere, at least two of these three women say that if they knew what was wrong with them, they would “fix it.” Ke$ha declares she will be haunted for the rest of her life.

Stay tuned for next week, when Jimmy Kimmel apparently comes to town.

Peace,

KLo

McConaughey Part 1: Isn't That Special.

Babies, this Viewer was In Europe a few days ago, struggling to communicate in the Frenches and also, with the horror of seeing girl after 20 year old European girl wearing jeans shorts with tights underneath, when we wondered to ourselves, “hm, when does season McConoughay start?”  The Google told us it was less than 24 hours after we got back to the states.  Dammit.  And so, broken and jet-lagged, we announced ourselves at Chez KMu last night, bearing our drink for the evening:

That is the plant from Little Shop of Horrors on the left, Gentle Readers.  Not scary lady parts.

And then we catch our first glimpse of McConoughay’s promo picture, heavily photoshopped and backlit by corn.

“What is this, field of dreams?” asks KMu.

In despair, we make a further discovery:  The first episode is a live viewing event.  So for the next hour, Chris Harrison stands beside a random museum display post holding an awkwardly small vase of flowers that says “I wanted to say happy birthday for less than $20 on flowers.com” interviewing those members of Bachelor Nation who are still under contract to remain on the reservation.  He further announces this season is full of surprises, including “a virgin who spend the night in the fantasy suite! A good girl with an X-rated past! And 2 widows!!!”  We are disappointed to see that it also includes Corporate Chris from the past thousand seasons, taking selfies in the background.

But let’s get to know “Prince Farming,” as The Harrison says.  

Lo, for he is 33 years old, rides motorcycles (at least for the Bachelor Part McConoughay), he is a 4^th generation farmer, he fishes, and most significantly, he is the only bachelor in recent history to keep his shirt on for the entire “here he is, Misses America” presentation of himself.  We are sure that he is more than fine, however, as Mackedouche from Season The Prosecutrix trains him lifting hay bales and also, Other Farm Implements in a segment what can only be described as “Exercise! It Can Happen Anywhere!”  We still love him (McConoughay), despite ourselves.

And then, for an hour, we have painful interviews with past bachelor couples.  Here are the salient take-aways:

1.  The only things of value in a woman is the ring on her finger and the state of her Downtown.  With Hillshire and Pringles, the question is “now that you’ve had The Sex, when are you having The Babies?”  With The Prosecutrix and Everyman, it’s “now that you’ve gotten together, when is the wedding?” And so on and so forth.

2.  Hillshire is wearing a garment bag as a cape. We cannot look away.

3.  Le Ca from Season Prince Bolognese (100 years ago, when we were the age of bachelor contestants), is wearing a tiara and a tin foil jumpsuit.  “NO!” Texts ABe, who has the Plague and therefore, is Away From Us this evening.  We also love that Le Ca is texting continually in the background of Chris Harrison’s interviews. We wonder if she is writing to ABe.

4.  We still don’t like Nurse Nikki, who may have broken up with Juan Ton, but explains that “even though he wasn’t comfortable expressing his feelings, made me a low priority for most of our relationship, and had a different lifestyle than me, I wanted to stand by my man” over and over again.

“That was like the death of feminism in three sentences.” Says KMu.

And also, we hate her hair, which is all pinned to one side and makes us feel heavy and tilted.

  

At last it is time to go inside and join the live viewing audience discovering a few of the contestants.  We remember that we HATE THIS EPISODE because we cannot get through it without lists.  We hate it even more when The Harrison tells us that there will be 30 women this first night instead of 25.

In the promo segments, we have Britt, a 27 year old waitress *cough*actress*cough* from Hollywood that thinks intimacy is important but doesn’t want to “tap into the physical” immediately in a relationship.  So she spends her time holding a sign saying “free hugs.”   We are a little exhausted.

And then we meet, “Britney, Bitch.” So, her name is really Jillian, and she is a national news producer at age 25 who can also do gymnastics and lift the heavy heavy weights.  But in our mind, she is Britney Spears circa her Brunette Phase, and we wish her to be surrounded by drag queens fiercely snapping At All Times.

Amanda, a 24 year old ballet teacher.  We take one look at her teaching a class and know that she is terrible.  She is also living with her mother, because she doesn’t know how to cook and doesn’t like to clean, and so her mom does all those things for her.  We then understand why she is also a terrible dancer.  But she is rather intense.  We shall call her Black Swan.

Whitney, a 29 year old fertility nurse from Chicago who apparently coaxes couples to conceive by driving them to accomplish The Impossible in order to escape her voice.   Gentle Readers, she loves “creating families” and has had trouble meeting someone in the city because “these boys just do not want to settle down.”  And also, she has a little dog.  We hope she gets the axe immediately, and also, that this blog had an audio component in which we could express our despair.   

Continuing with the age appropriate candidates for a 33 year old bachelor, we have 21 year old McKenzie, who loves her baby, whom she has named after greens of the earth (Kale), and thinks that McConaughey is everything she is looking for because he is “Hot. Mature, and grown up.  Like a man!”

…. Not to be outdone, there is Friendly Skies, a 24 yo flight attendant from New Jersey who has filmed her own job specific safety video explaining that “Smoking is prohibited in this aircraft, unless you are smoking hot.”   We think about the job-specific safety video we just watched, in which we were informed that The Federal Rules of Civil Procedure are thick enough to stop bullets from most guns, and try to make that sexy:  “Only bring out the big guns, if you want to reach my heart!” We conclude that peoples’ feelings towards lawyers are different than peoples’ feelings towards flight attendants, and also, that no one should ever try to make a workplace safety video sexy again.

And then there is Kelsey, a 28 year old Austin, Texas school counselor who has been a widow for a little over a year, talks about the choice one makes to either stay in bed crying or pick up and move on with your life, and is excited to take this risk because she believes one can have many soul mates in life.  We do not know where this woman came from, but we love her.

Blah blah, here is McConaughey prepping for the season, trying on suit after suit.  Channeling This Viewer when trying on swimsuits, he says that the ordeal is “mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting.”  But he makes it through, and announces to us all that he is hoping to find someone who is excited to be with a “real, grown ass farmer.”  And just in case we missed that he is  A FARMER, here he is at a photo shoot with corn and hay bales, and also, taking a shower outside because that is what farmers do.

At last, it is time for the Limos.  And here come the lists, babies, because it is impossible any other way:  After a screech from someone that McConoughay “is darling!” Limo #1 belches out:

1.  Britt the hugger, wearing hooker hosiery on her back.  They share an intense hug.  For a really long time.  

2.  Whitney the fertility nurse, wearing a sports bra backwards as a dress top.

3.  Kelsey, whom we will Not Disparage (None of Us) at least at this time.

4.  Megan, a 24 year old makeup artist wearing a saloon bustier and telling McConaughey, “You’re amazing.  This is awesome” because that is such a conversation starter.

5.  Some kind of Ashley in a lace dress.

As Limo #2 arrives, KMu plays the air guitar along with ABC and we meet:

6.  TreeeeeNAH.  We previously though that Whitney’s voice was traumatizing, but we  now realize that is nothing in comparison to TreeeeeNAH, who is surely the love child of a door creaking open and Androgynous Pat from SNL circa This Viewer’s Childhood.

7.  Regan, who announces that she sells human tissue and gives McConaughey a fake plastic heart from a biohazard cooler because that is not creepy.

8.  Kei$ha.  We think her name is Tara and she is 26, wearing cowboy boots, a flannel shirt, and jeans shorts.  She later puts a dress on revealing her back tat and sneaks back through the limo to meet El Bachelor again.

9.  Somebody named Nikki.  We aren’t paying attention. 

10.  A Secret admirer, who Christ Jesus, turns out to be Black Swan.  And she is wearing Navajo Blanket Rage in the form of a dress.

Here comes limo #3 with:

11. Britney, Bitch.

12.  McKenzie the 21 year old.

13.  Crazy Eyes, a hair stylist who found a lucky penny at the airport and puts it in McConaughey’s shoe.

14. Somewhere in here, some other woman gets out of the limo but we were eating chocolate to stay awake and not paying attention again.

15.  Kaitlyn, a 29 year old alleged dance instructor.  Two things happen at once:

KMu announces that “her dress is almost showing asscrack,” and

Kaitlyn introduces herself with: “I don’t know much about you. Your name is Chris.  You are a farmer.  And you can plow the f*ck out of my field any day.”

Dead silence follows.

So many images. We just.  Cannot.

 

 Then there is a lull in the meetings, and McConaughey heads inside to meet the *first* 15 women.  Kaitlyn makes friends with the ladies by telling another joke:  “Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?  Because he wanted to find a tight seal.” 

OMG KAITLYN THIS VIEWER DOES NOT YET KNOW WHAT TO CALL YOU BUT MAKE IT STOP.

Soon, 1:1 times commence.  Britt the hugger tells McConaughey that she wants to be his shoulder to lean on, and in another weird magnetic hugging moment, they nearly kiss.  We are blinded in rage by the voices of TreeeeeeNAH and Whitney the fertility nurse, and then suddenly, we are interrupted by Chris Harrison, who has chosen this moment to force us all back to the live viewing audience in order to interview “six farmers’ wives from Iowa,” including, apparently, The Church Lady:

We hate that women can’t be farmers too.  We also do not appreciate the wig and boomerang adorning the Church Lady, who was apparently a high school classmate of McConaughey and says he is very sweet. 

Before we can assimilate all of this, BAM we are back in 1:1 time between Whitney and McConaughey:  “Do you inseminate hogs?” she inquires.  “Because I make babies all day!  And there are similarities between what we do!  And also, I have a paper calendar in which I have been crossing off all the days until I meet you!”  How will you know, if he really loves you, Whitney?  Yes yes, I know you say a prayer, with ev.er.y. heart. Beat.  But still, we don’t need you to say them outloud.  Or anything else.  Ever again.

Then some girl is telling McConaughey that she found a rock that looked like a heart while scaling macchu picchu.  And here is the difference between these women and this viewer.  Because when this viewer finds something shaped like a heart in a Foreign Land (aka, the South), we call it the “Butt Biscuit:”

Clearly, we are past the age of romance.

THREE HOURS into the evening, more limos start arriving.  Britney, Bitch says, “The others.  They Have Arrived,” in her best Arnold Schwartzenegger, and we secretly love her.  And then we are hit in the face with:

16.    Some lady named Claire, but we don’t now think that is a contestant’s name, so clearly we made that up.  Really, ABC needs to stop with all the women.  

17.  Some lady named Samantha, a 27 yo fashion designer.

18.  Michelle, a 25 year old wedding cake decorator who is dressed like a cake topper.

19.  Julie/Juelia, some kind of event planner we think.

20.  Becca, a 25 year old wearing a sequined romper and a shoes that hide her ankle monitor.

 Somewhere in here, a  woman shoes up on a motorcycle, wearing pile of lace.

Then we have:

21.   Friendly Skies, who shows McConaughey how to use a seat belt.

22.  A student named Jordan, who is 24 years old because when this viewer was 24 years old, what we really wanted to do was DATE A 33 YEAR OLD MAN.  Baby Jesus, make it stop.

23.  Nicole, a real estate agent wearing pig nose and announcing that she wants to “ham it up." 

24.  Aaaaand:  This woman:

If this Viewer ever decides to crochet a dress and fisticuffs or become a WWE Diva in Training, we are going to be sure we include a brain stem over the lady bits of our crocheted outfit.  After this Viewer regains her voice and mutters something about Etsy Fails, ABe reminds us that such sentiments are an insult to Etsy. 

25. As an afterthought, we meet Carly, some kind of singer in a prom dress and carrying a karaoke machine.

Then a bonus limo arrives with:

26.  Tracy, a 29 year old elementary school teacher.

27.  Bo, a plus size model that looks like McConaughey’s mother.

28.  Kimberly a yoga instructor.

29.  Kara, who doesn’t think it’s scary to tell McConaughey that her friends and family think they would make cute babies.  Rest assured, Kara, Whitney can hook you up.

30.  Last but not least, Jade, some 28 year old in a pretty dress and looking like a flower.

“I get goose bumps thinking about these women!” says McConaughey to The Harrison.

“Those aren’t goosebumps,” mutters KMu.

Back inside we go to force ourselves through more 1:1 times.  Kaitlyn teaches McConaughey how to breakdance.  Somehow, between that and the terrible jokes, McConaughey concludes that she is “fun and goofy, but has a lot the features I am looking for in a wife.”  REALLY?  Friendly Skies tells him that “It’s like Christmas Morning for you!  Except your presents are women!!!” and this Viewer dies a little inside.  

And then Crazy Eyes gets drunk:

 “Every person you meet is like an onion.  When you cut them, you peel them back.  And what you do is you peel them back layer by layer.  Honestly.  Honestly. I’m sorry but this is how I feel” (she plucks some random flower from the bushes and gives it to another girl talking to the Bachelor): “ Can I give you this rose and then steal him away? …. Take a look at this onion.  Seriously.  This onion. I’m not even kidding.” 

And then there is this gem: “I want to run through sunflower fields.  And ride horses.  I’ve never ridden a horse ever…. Is that a pomegranate?  (she goes into the bushes) … “It is a pomegranate.  It issssss. WOW.  I feel powerful.” 

We kind of like Crazy Eyes, but we don’t get to spend any more time with her because 21 year old McKenzie is now asking McConaughey what Alfalfa is.

Is it organic?” she asks.

O.M.G.

But not to be outdone by Crazy Eyes, Kei$ha is drinking heavily.  Aand she wants that rose because “gooooooooooood, I really like that kid.”

And now we are going to cut this short because we are seriously late for life items scheduled to begin immediately.  Britt the Hugger gets the first impression rose, and they kiss.  A fair bit.  And talk about how this is the best night ever, and we wonder if the show is now over because they are going to dance into the bushes together.  But joining her with the roses, McConaughey eventually picks in the rose ceremony:   

1. Kaitlyn.  WHAT?

2.  Jade .

3. Samantha.  Some brunette we don’t remember now.

4.  An Ashley we don’t remember.

5.  Tandra.  Tandra.  Was there a Tandra?

6.  Nikki – we don’t remember her. 

7.  Kelsey.  YEAH.  Except now, Kei$ha is stomping her feet and rubbing her arms, and staggering at the top of the bleachers were the women are standing.  We wonder if she won’t lock her knees and pass out as he picks….

8. Megan

9.  Friendly Skies.

10. Somebody named Amber.  Was there an Amber??

11. Julie/Juelia.

12. Becca in the sequined romper.  And now Kei$ha is really making noise.

13.  TreeeeeNAH.  NOOOOOOOO.

Suddenly, McConaughey walks off set to talk to Chris Harrison. He announces, “I was gonna pick her, but Kei$ha’s like, wasted drunk.”  To which Harrison responds, “Enough that you want to get rid of her, or enough that you want to give her another chance and see how she acts?

KMu offers up this translation: “Please please please keep the drunk girl."

In a continued display of bad judgment, McConaughey returns and picks.

14 . McKenzie who wonders if alfalfa is organic.

15.  Somebody named Tracy

16.  Kei$ha.  WHAT?

17.  Somebody named Jordan.   

18.  Britney, Bitch.

19.  Whitney.  Noooooooo.

20.  Carly the singer. 

21. Crazy Eyes.

We are pretty sure that we got everyone’s names wrong, but that’s ok because thank goodness we are down to 22 and we’ll just figure it out next week.  But Kara is upset because she is “just a little

servant willing to do whatever she’s supposed to do,” which is a depressing understanding of how to meet your spouse.   But more interestingly, Kimberly the 28 year old something or other is upset that she is going home.  So she goes BACK IN THE HOUSE to confront McConaughey.

And the show ends on that cliff-hanger.  Oooooo. 

Except for the part where we preview the season, which includes a lot of tears, and some medical assistance, and a big mistake by McConaughey in which he probably “accidentally” plows somebody’s field, making everyone upset.

Catch you next week, babies.

KLo.