A-Team Part Bonus: Skin In the Game

Video may have killed the radio star, but we are quite confident that the Will Rogers Follies are killing this viewer. Between rehearsals and Our First Bad Press Ever (see comment 2 to this week's post), we feel as if we have both Arrived (bad press) and Left (rehearsals) at the same time. And so it is with apologies that we are not one, but TWO days late with our E! True Hollywood story of The Bachelor: After the Final Rose bonus episode. Or, what this viewer prefers to call Skin In the Game.

First, we see all manner of successful bachelette to progress through the show. Charlie and Sarah (we heart Sarah), Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots (marrying this fall), and Trista and Ryan (pregnant). We salute you, oh 30% success rate. But really, we are much more interested in Danielle (WTF IS UP WITH THE CULOTS), Fleiss Girl, and Amber.

FG appears to have forgotten her pants. Continuing her love affair with Hot Topic, FG has got some sort of blue nightshirt/dress covering the top half of her lady bits. Fortunately, she is sitting down. "Was there one moment when you went from hero to zero?" Chris Harrison asks. Yes, she acknowledges that perhaps she should have been catty about the other women "more gently." But we are already more interested in Amber, wearing some sort of kimonoesque top. She takes his refusal of her due to age as a compliment. We secretly congratulate her, Mrs. Robinson, because we all know she is not 23 but rather 12 years older than Forest. As for Danielle--well, we will not speak of such things. Other than culots, culots, culots boo.

Fortunately, we have Bevin to distract us. She apparently has just broken out of jail/my fifth grade jazz recital with all the black and white horizontalness going on. We feel as though she should start swiveling her hips to We Built This City on Rock and Roll at any moment. And surprise surprise, she really DID break her ankle on the show, requiring a Pink Rhinestone Cast.

Although we hate the cast, we actually feel bad for Bevin, and admire her for politically answering Chris Harrison's questions about What Went Wrong. We see the break-up once again, and then Bevin has a shakey voice and we must hide under our afghan. While she had crazy chemistry with Andy, it was her Intuition, gentle readers, that told her she was going to be dumped. We make a note to develop said dump-dar on our own.

And then, Forest appears. And he is fondling Bevin's knee and she is sarcastically asking if he wants to give her a check-up, and we think he has Sunken to A New Low of Male Denseness and we are wondering if Perhaps We Have Maligned Bevin. Forest has mouth diarrhea: Bevin is a fabulous woman. He will never forget her. She will always occupy a piece of his heart. Stop while you are ahead, you twit. But Bevin handles it all with penache and says the pain was Worth It but Some Things are Better Left Unsaid.

"We want to know what's better left unsaid," asks one of the many libarians and/or asian women with glasses in the audience.

But then it is the moment we have all been waiting for: Tessa arrives. Okay, you know that scene in Gone with the Wind where she makes a dress out of curtains? Well, pretend the curtains were from 1972 and you would have Tessa's dress. It is yellow. It has rhinestones around a big scoop neck. It has a weird boob slit. Hollah, Barbarella.

And we must listen to that damn muffin joke she made when she met Forest over an over as we "relive their journey together." And of course they kiss forever and constantly, which we think is sort of sweet. Except that they talk about really taking risks. You know, investing yourself. A/k/a putting their skin in the game. Since the skins apparently beat the shirts this round, we let it go Just This Once.

But then we are off to learn about the Happy Couple's future plans, including a move to Hawaii for Tessa and a hike of the Inca Trail, courtesy of ABC. Oh, and those dogtags? (which as bad press commenter noted, this viewer incorrectly stated that Tessa and Bevin shared. Which perhaps they do, on another show, and another channel. But we cannot be perfect after 4 hours of sleep and therefore embrace our flaws, which include hail damage on the back end and typos). Hers says T-Bone. His says BachMan "Sizzlin Hot." Yup.

And as we fade to credit, bachelorettes from seasons past share their views on who would make the Perfect Bachelor.

Le Ca (season Travis) says somebody that sounds like coins dropping into a piggy bank. Sadie (season PLo) says someone who knows how to have fun. Tina/Wing (season this one) says a boy who likes smart women. Susan (season Travis) insists he must be "smokin' hot" but Krisily (season Charlie) says he must be open to change (like her boob job). And ultimately, if the belt matches the shoes, it does not mean one is gay.

With these deep thoughts, we leave you, dear readers. We look forward to our journey together next season.

KLo.

A-Team Part 8: Honey Dipper

At last, it is the Season Finale. As we sip our tea in the wee hours of the morning, we bear witness the the Visual Walk of Shame that is a recap of Andy's "journey" on the bachelor. We pay homage to The Fallen, including Fleiss Girl and Danielle. We watch Bevin sprain her ankle, ask for a thorough check-up, and describe her divorce in words no larger than one syllable. We hear Tessa's terrible joke about muffins when she met Andy.

And then, gentle readers, we win our bet with ourselves, wagered last Update, as a "buggy crossing" sign comes in view. OMG, Andy is bringing the women home to Lancaster, PA, to meet his family. Yes yes, there is an amish farm....followed by a buggy....followed by a buggy pulling a HONEY DIPPER. And this is why we love this show. Because only ABC would choose a machine designed to spray shit on a field as representative of the idyllic country life. We salute you, ABC.

Anyway, Andy admits that he has not been home in 2 years, and we wonder what sort of son he is, even if he lives in Hawaii and is admittedly many hours away. He describes the women to his mom, dad, sister, grandpa, and grandma, all of whom remain nameless except mom Cynthia and sister Suzy. He makes them do a cheer for "Operation Soul Mate" with their hands all in a pile, and we try to imagine our own grandmother (who is fabulous) doing the same and cannot. And then Tessa comes for lunch. We notice first that the entrance to the Baldwin family home is painted pink. We notice second that Andy offers Tessa a beer, and we feel strangely awkward about it even though Andy is clearly not Mennonite (also strongly represented in Lancaster) and therefore would not be pretending he does not drink in front of his parents and all the Amish for miles around.

Tessa's visit is very uneventful. Andy's mom says she is beautiful, natural, and real. The grandpa says she is a viable candidate. Suzy really likes her, particularly after their little 1:1 time in which Tessa confided that she had reservations about the process, but not Andy. Oh oh, and we learn that Andy's parents met at Cornell and had their first sort-of date at the library and fell in love over a stack of reference manuals. We think of our coworker who fell in love with his wife over document review and do not throw stones. This date ends with extended kisses and clinging in the front yard, only confirming that Andy is not Mennonite and therefore would not hide all signs of affection except secret handholding in front of his parents and all the Amish for miles around.

Then Bevin comes for dinner. We don't like her shirt. First, it is a mock turtleneck, which is the bastard cousin of the "dicky." Second, it has short sleeves. And finally, it has tucks all around the neck and arms. We would look like a drag queen/mother of 10/that girl no one danced with in jr. high in this top. But we love that she tells Andy's family that she is getting her masters in social work and is doing a project focusing on womens' libido during menopause. We equally love that she acknowledges an interest in specializing in sexual dysfunction. And finally, we love that she tells them she was raised in the Bahai faith. We think of the Bahai guy (hee hee) we knew in college, who was a kind soul even if he did wear shorts year round. Anyway, the Grandpa channels Christopher Walken as he says Bevin "eLECTrifies" Forest. The Grandma says Bevin is "just plain drop dead great." Bevin says she would love to be a Baldwin. We see a slide show of Andy, and this date is over.

As a post-mortem to these dates, the Grandpa leads a discussion on Sexual Attraction: Is it Enough? He also notes that Bevin "Spahrks" Andy. The the dad does not win any points from this reader, who clings to the belief that boys fall in love with a particular woman because of her particularity, when he declares that "either woman would be just fine" and that Andy couldn't screw up at this point. We contemplate never dating again.

On we go to the Final Overnight Dates in Oahu, in which we decide we heart Tessa and that Bevin is a ninny.

Ooo, is Bevin ready for a commitment? We do not know, and suddenly we do not care as Forest decides to "surprise" Bevin with the thing that terrifies her the most: flying! Because that is OUR idea of a romantic date. And then we are forced to hear Bevin's hysterical/nervous giggling and screetching at about 3 octaves above her normal voice as she wigs out walking towards, getting into, and flying around in a helicopter. We also must hear "yeeeee-ha" and "woooo-hooooo" from Forest on not one, but SEVERAL ocassions and decide we are really Taking One For The Team as we dutifully watch this vignette on behalf of Bachelor News Update readers everywhere.

Blah blah they drink beer from plastic cups a la frat party on the beach, describe what they want in a mate (he wants someone with "energy") and then it is evening and they are eating dinner and he is all "This is soooo romantic. I'm freakin' in love" And she's all "are you?" And he's all "Yes." And then he gives a big sigh and says "pinch me" and we sort of wish she would because he is really being a jackass. But so is she for wearing a micro mini jeans skirt. Then it happens:
A: [opening and reading a card from B] "My sweet Andy, when I'm with you, it's like time stands still."
A: "I wish that this moment in time could stand still"
B: "For me, time has already stood still."
And then she gives him a watch as a birthday/parting gift. We secretly hope it stands still.

But we will never know, because she confesses her love to him with his full moniker "Lieutenant Andrew James Baldwin, I love you." And he says he "freakin' loves her" too!!! And we gasp because no bachelor has ever said that pre-final-rose on the history of this show. We also think he is Pure Evil for doing so, as he has a date with Tessa the next day.

Speaking of, Andy also meets Tessa on the beach, where he also has a surprise for her. Great, we think, it's going to be Her Worst Fear. But no, it's horseback riding, which she loves, followed by beer from real bottles on the beach and frolicking in the water at sunset with heartfelt conversation about living life to the fullest and taking risks. We begin to hope, just a little, that Tessa is not out of the runnning.

Back at her room later that night, Tessa also has a gift for Andy, with a lovely card about wanting to start a new life and a big confession about being in love with him, which we know is true because of the look on her face. And now we know that Tessa is the Best Bachelorette Ever because, instead of buying him something, she made him a cut-and-paste collage of pictures and words that are significant to them. As we are HUGE fans of the cut-and-paste (even if that makes us a candidate for Serial Killer on television), the Homemade Gift, and the Cheesy Mugging of the Camera, we think this is the best gift ever in the history of the Bachelor. We are torn between hoping that Tessa wins and hoping she doesn't, as she deserves someone way cooler than Forest.

Especially when he tells her he "freakin' loves her." OMG, he is two-timing with the love speak.
We do not like him.

Finally, finally, it is the final rose day. We are going to make this quick because it a lot of "I feel" statements that we just don't need to repeat (as we are also going to be late for work. shit.). Except that we forgot to mention that Andy goes ring shopping, and is it really terrible if this viewer would prefer the orchids stuck in the ring boxes at the jewelry store to any of the rings (so ginormous and impractical are they). And then everyone is getting ready for the day, and Bevin is dead certain she is getting the final rose, and Andy is all "emotional" on his morning run, and Tessa starts to cry a little because she loves Andy so much.

At last, the limos are rolling towards the ceremony....whowillhepickwhowillhepick? We are on pins and needles......and then BEVIN steps out of the limo first. I suppose we like her dress, except that it has a train. And while she may be able to work the train just fine, we think it's a bit presumptious to be fannying around in a dress with a train. We discover within ourselves a Thing against trains.

He doesn't pick her. She doesn't speak. They cry. And we are actually quite sad for both of them.

But then Tessa comes out. Oh, the true love. Oh, anything is possible. Oh, he feels like a king with her as a queen at his side. And he proposes. And she says yes. And we get a little teary....until ABC kills it with a slo mo montage of moments between them to the tune of "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong. " And Tessa and Bevin further kill it by wearing matching dog tags as the credits roll.

And there it is, babies. The end of another season of the Bachelor. We have it on Good Authority that an After the Final Rose show will air tonight and we will do our best to catch it, but make no promises as we STILL have not figured out how to record on our vcr and are very dependent on friends to assist us with that.

Love you all.

A-Team Part 7: Almost Paradise

As Episode 7 we learn that it is not, you see, about the yachts and the sports cars, but about the life of a navy wife. And so Andy tests these ladies as any sailor might--by seeing who gives the best lei.

One by one, the women approach the USS Arizona, where Andy instructs them in the proper throwing of flowers. The USS Arizona is a proud monument. It "straddles" the hull of the ship. The gun turret rises proudly from the water. And we are vaguely horrified by all this, particularly when Bevin shows up in white culots (a curse on the culot), and a blood-red bustiere/maternity top. Well, I guess that satisfies both ends of what Forest is looking for. And then stop the presses--Danielle has seen that terrible movie with Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck with the making love under some fighting plane one too many times. As Bevin fades into the distance, Danielle looms terrifyingly ahead in some 1950s housewife get-up with front ruffled pockets, a french manicure, and stripper shoes. AND bobby pins in her hair, a la that crazy elderly lady at Wal-Mart. "Should I take it off?" she asks him, as she contemplates the best angle for her lei. She would do "anything" to be a military wife, she says. But we are truly creeped by Tessa's moment at the monument. Andy has "foreshadowing" in his mind, you see. As a faceless little girl makes a grab at their leis, Andy sees nothing but "a mother, a father, and a child."

As we are suitably skeezed, Andy's first Fantasy Overnight Date with Tessa does nothing to improve our mood. They get all strapped into harnesses and go down a zip line. He is wearing mandals. There is rock and roll music. And yes, terrible allegories: "Thank you for supporting me." "Is this like our relationship?" And then, omg, he does a CARTWHEEL. We rewind this part several times, as we now have the videotape thanks to the heroic efforts of our friend K's husband. The zippity portion of their date ends with a redneck pick up: "Howya hona." Apparently, this means "happy hour," or "end of the day." Either way, they are drunk in his "backyard" and talking about what they would do if attacked by a shark. We stand firm: redneck. Further confirmed by Andy's weird ostrich impression/whomp whomp arm pump as he demonstrates his method of shark avoidage.

Anyway, Andy is Ha-ha-ha-ha-Stayin' alive, Stayin' alive as he channels John Travolta in a white blazer with black button down shirt for his final evening meal with T. He is all glowing. She is all glowing. They eat fishes. They toast on a hammock under the stars. He pokes her in the chest, saying "any time....any place...any location.." is special when with her. She is One. Special. Lady. And then ABC ruins it all by dumping them into a fantasy suite with fluff in the tub and champagne. Ew, fluff.

Next up is Danielle on a catamaran. We do not understand her rhinestone glasses. We do not understand the choice of catamaran, or the "I'm so happy right now." "This is going to be epic." and final nod to Terrible Euphemisms for We All Know What the Are Thinking (while looking at dolphins):
"Ooo, look how close we are!"
"Oh, I just want to touch one."
"Oh my god!"
"Thank you SO MUCH."
Only to be acted out moments later in the water, as she dives backwards with Andy clinging on for dear life and their snorkles get all filled with water and we just KNOW that if they had been dating longer than 2 months she would be all "Dammit, Andy, you are trying to drown me." instead of "look at all those pretty fishes."

But she doesn't. Instead, she talks about her dead boyfriend. And we are going to feel very cruel and heartless, but here it is: we really have had enough of the dead boyfriend card being played. All we now can think of is our coworker M saying "dead puppies, dead puppies" so as not to think of something even grosser and our friend D calling bloated roadkill of all manner and variety a "kitty sleeping." And this particular kitty needs to have its little remains scrubbed off the road. So exhausted are we with all this dead boyfriendness that we relegate it to the world of acronymic diseases: the DB.

Forest thinks Danielle is "strong, genuine," but is more concerned about contracting the DB were they to continue on their "journey." So he does what any new love interest might do: he hires a psychic reader to determine whether she's really healed. We heart the psychic reader because she shows up wearing those zip-around-the-thigh-pants that we secretly thought were worn only by Sensitive New Age Men from our Hometown (the kind that never open the door for the ladies, so emancipated are we). And then we remember that we are in Hawaii. "Oh," we say.

Anyway, so Danielle *surprisingly* has talked to a psychic reader before--right after she learned she had DB!!! That Reader apparently told her that she would have a few more loves and then Lucky Number Three would be the love of her life. Well here she is on the show at #3, and isn't that amazing? Yes, we nod our heads, it is. Flash to the future, and this Hawaiian Reader tells her nothing also: She is a communicator, but has some internal sadness. Danielle notes that this is a symptom of the DB. But Andy concludes that the fact of the matter is that Danielle is over her DB and ready to fall in love with him. He whips out the fantasy suite card.

The only thing we wish to say about Danielle's fantasy suite moment is that we really hate her pink jacket. It reminds us of our junior high jacket that always made us feel like we ought to be tennis rock stars even though we were now the tallest kids in the Mighty Mights Tennis Class because we had to repeat that grade three times.

Finally, we see the last date with Bevin. OMG, this starts with cows in a field. Bevin thinks said cows are "great," but this viewer can personally attest that being stampeded by a cow while in a foreign land is no laughing matter. In any event, Forest and his Fraggle, Bevin, go on a big hike to kayak. He reminds her to "stay hydrated" and displays his mastery of the preposition:
A: "Isn't this paradise?"
B: "Yes, yes it is."
A: "Would you like to live here?"
B. "Yes."
A: "Would you like to live here in paradise with me?"
B: "Yes.

Would she like to in a box? Would she like to with a fox? We wonder, but will never know because all Andy can do is blather about he feels electricity in his very SOUL around her. Thus, there is nothing less to do but jump off a waterfall and laze around in inner tubes that suddenly appeared in the Hawaiian wilderness. We note that Bevin has a ginormous winged tattoo across her lower back and we think of her 50 years from now. There are lady bits one does not wish to feature, particularly as one ages. Gravity may not assist her in that arena.

So now we are off to dinner. For some reason, Bevin's red dress takes Andy's breath away. We do not understand, as it is nice but also a sack. We further do not understand when Bevin takes the stage to dance with the Samoan Luau Fire-Eating Dancing Men. White girl canNOT dance. But Andy does not care because he can't dance either and Bevin has just confessed that she wants to find a man that can be her "everything." We sigh and wonder what the definition of "everything" is. But they talk about her failed teenage marriage, and blah blah we are almost done UNTIL the Fraggle gets the Fantasy Suite card. Homegirl had to have prepared the speech she gave him in advance: "We already know that the passion is there between us. Therefore, I would like to accept this card if we are able to continue our conversation and get to know each other better." WTF. Then all they do is make out in said fantasy suite.

We are falling asleep.

Until MacGyver shows up, masquerading as Andy's best friend Gatsby. Ok, we secretly had a little television crush on MacGyver, whose fix-it powers were hot (especially when he stopped that acid leak with a chocolate bar. You know the episode). But we are fairly certain that MacGyver would never condescend to be called "Gatsby" even if he were the closeted gay best friend and Iron Man Triathlon partner of a Bachelor on ABC. Gatsby has some strange thatch of bleachity hair and earrings and big sunglasses and says sensitive things like, "You've spent so much time saying "yes" to one woman by giving her roses that it will be hard to say goodbye." But then we realize he must be hetero-curious after all when he asks Forest which woman he would "like to see at the end of the Iron Man finish line standing there with his kids."

And finally, the Rose Ceremony. Tessa's handkerchiefy dress would make us look like those little ghosts you can make with kleenex and a lollypop, but it works on her and we bow to the powers of tall leggyness. But we know Danielle is going home the instant we see her crochet/lace/crochet/we can't decide tea pot cozy. We hate this dress. But we also hate Bevin's dress because we hate all dresses that have a bandeau top and empire waste for the sheer fact that said dresses make the jubblies look like they grew out from the wearer's bottom rib. But this is Bevin so we don't care.

Unsurprisingly, Danielle gets the axe (told you). They cry, and we stay tuned for next week, the SEASON FINALE when Andy brings his two intendeds home to Lancaster, PA.

$10 says we see some Amish.

A-Team Part 6: And Your Little Dog, Too

Do doo doo Do doo doo Do...Episode Six begins with the Night Rider theme as Forest leaves the yacht in his sports car, collar up, to an inner monologue "meeting these women's families gives a lot more perspective on them." We can almost see Kit printing out a dossiere on each lady from somewhere around the tape deck, as Andy says:
1. Tessa: he knew from the start she was a "dynamic woman" and he feels "amazing emotions with her. We resolve to banish the word "amazing" from our vocabulary.
2. Danielle is the "most invested." He "feels her heart so much" when he talks to her. (like in the Matrix when Keanu restarts Carrie's heart? ew.)
3. Amber. He is really "into" her. But he is concerned about her age. STOP THE PRESS. We have a bachelor preferring aged lady parts to the younger model? We cannot get over this.
4. Bevin. Oh the chemistry, oh the electricity when they touch. She keeps getting "better and better."

How will he ever pick? Well let me tell you.

The first hometown date is with Bevin at some falls outside seattle. She is wearing one of those useless indoor/outdoor ropey scarfs that this viewer always wished she could remember to use to snazz up outfits but instead only remembers when it is genuinely cold outside and then only has warm but unflattering scarves unfit for indoor usage and made by her aunt Merta 20 years ago. We admire Bevin's powers of accessorization, even though we think she looks like a Fraggle.

Andy, however, is in "heaven when he is with Bevin." We resolve to never date men who rhyme uncleverly.

Bevin proceeds to talk to Andy as if he is a 2 year old. "You know how people have pasts? You know how we are all teenagers? Well I was a teenager once, and very stubborn and made decisions my parents didn't like....." oh for the love of god, just tell him that you were on that show Engaged and Under Aged already. Oh, it's true: Bevin got married as a teenager, but has been divorced for 6 years. Andy assures himself that despite this red flag, Bevin would never jump into something she wasn't completely sure of again, and we move on to meet her family.

WTF is up with these people's names? We have the mom Ahna, the sister Ona, and the brother....Ken. We also have stepmom Vicki and cannot remember the dad's name. They oo and ah over Bevin's horrible ankle, which she shows them by sticking out her be-high-heeled foot (again, wtf), and we learn that "these are Andy's type of people." The dad has a big heart to heart with Bevin about why she is holding back and what sort of proof she needs to know he's right, and how there are risks in life, and we can't help but like him. Andy goes home, she feels like she's falling in love, blah blah.

On to hometown date #2 in Bethel Village, Connecticut, a/k/a "Hello, Clarisse." We are seriously creeped out by her dad, Jim. Jim manages to look exactly like the farmer in the painting American Gothic, stare intensely enough to Silence the Lambs, and say all creepity in his deadpan voice: "My daughter has been nothing but a joy. As her dad, I am the provider and protector. She deserves the best." When we are reminded once again that both Andy and Danielle have tragic losses in their lives (dead uncle/dead boyfriend), we whisper fervently "run forest, run." Danielle also lives at home with Jim, her mother Nancy, and her sister Caitlin, all of whom are worried that she will be taken away from them by the military life.

But we are more interested in the fact that there is no way Danielle could be a real blonde based on her family. And also by the fact that she has a LITTLE DOG in a LITTLE SWEATER. And also by the fact that Jim invites Andy downstairs to "beat a drum" as the ladies of the house bellydance...only to have ABC experience technical difficulties, cutting potentially the best scene all season from this viewer's very soul and causing her to despise ABC forever, amen. We are slightly mollified by Andy and Danielle's final kissing scene by possibly the biggest American flag ever. We believe he is either holding her little dog behind her neck, or an exact replica of it.

Date #3 is with Tessa in Washington, DC., where she helpfully points out the Washington Monument. We all know this viewer's thoughts on said monument (People's Penis, etc etc). Anyway, we meet mom Romana, Sister Mercy (or Percy? it's probably Mercy because no one would do that to their daughter and Mercy is a pretty name), dad Tom, and best friend Samantha. We really like Tessa's family, especially after they put him through the ringer and then Samantha points out (albeit to the camera) that he's really good at evasive answers.

Andy's admission of faults are lame-ass, in this viewer's humble opinion. He is not a good singer (no shizz, as he was "touched" by Tina/Wing's rendition of the National Anthem), and he can't cook very well. If this viewer can admit that she sleeps with a stuffed ewok to the general readership, Andy can do better than that. We also cannot forgive him for wearing his dog tags outside a button-down shirt. There is no way said tags could fall naturally like that. But he's all proud of himself because he "turns the tables" on Tessa's family and asks all these questions of her poor unsuspecting father, who nearly ruins her chances by saying that Tessa was initially just on the show for fun, and then he gets Tessa to admit that her best case ending to this "journey" is that they fall in love with each other. We don't want them to end up together because we like Tessa too much.

The last date is in Sugarland Texas with Amber, who is wearing a dress barely long enough to cover her bits. He says she is "so sweet and so beautiful and makes his heart beat faster," and we admit that even if it makes us coldhearted bitches, we are convinced that men should not be such milksops because we are quite confident that we do not have a "sweet" bone in our bodies and neither does Amber. In any event, it's Andy's turn to talk as if to a 2-year-old, as he carefully explains to her classroom that he met Amber on a "Special Mission." Andy is a tard.

So then there's a big crisis because Amber knew her parents weren't going to meet Andy, but now her aunt isn't either. Her aunt is her rock, etc etc. Instead, we go to Amber's apartment and meet her roommate Erin and little Pomeranian "Pasha," which we are pretty sure has a bow on her head. According to Amber, it is very important that Pasha like Andy because Pasha must approve of all the men Amber dates. It is clear that Amber is ignoring Pasha's advice when she promptly pees on the carpet. In any event, this dinner is very sorority (Erin: "Oooo, you're a diver AND a doctor?!?"), which Andy notices, until Amber's aunt miraculously is able to save the day. And so it ends.

Finally, the rose ceremony. Aquamarine and black are the colors for this Prom, as the women are (miraculously) color-coordinated. However, Bevin appears not to have gotten the memo that cheerleading uniforms aren't appropriate for Prom, as her dress has the sides cut out a la a cheerleading frock. We can speak with great authority on this topic, as we watched the "Cheer Fashion" segment of the national high school cheerleading championship on ESPN last weekend.

And he picks:
1. Tessa (whoot)
2. Bevin, who RUNS to him, gentle readers. And on that ankle. tisk.
3. Danielle. Who he informs smells good.

Amber calls him out in a big dramatic conclusion, crying and saying she doesn't undertand and then making it worse by saying that their hometown date was the best date of her young life, and that he said age didn't matter and she's so mature. She could see herself cooking breakfast for him because they leave for work at the "exact same time," and then working out together, cooking dinner for him, and watching television at night. With a white picket fence and flesh eating plant secretly growing outside, we are in another musical entirely.

We fade out to Danielle facing her fear of bananas by eating one for the Bachelor. We will not throw stones, as we are whipophobes ourselves.

Stay tuned for next week, which involves a psychic reader.

A-Team Part 5: The Changing of the Tards

Episode 5 gives us a Crisis of Bachelor Faith of monumental proportions. It is like Freakity Friday, except that the women are still mostly twits even if suddenly Andy is asking intelligent questions and making sound judgments and even if our sister sincerely uses "special quality time" in a sentence and then tries to claim said usage was justified because it is a "term of art." Quite simply, we do not know what to do with Episode 5.

So first we have "fun in the sun." Andy is doing all manner of exercises on his yacht in the morning, reminding us (damn you, ABC) that we did not do situps at the gym. And then suddenly the remaining six women show up at the yacht for a group date because "everybody really needs a relaxing day on the yacht" according to Amber. OMG, we look at the pelicans. And [SCREETCH] there is a seal! And OOOOO look a dolphin. In the midst of all this treble clef, Andy reveals his "type:" He doesn't like smoking.

Well, that narrows it down.

And then it hits us: ABC has done the narrowing FOR Andy by seating the blondes and brunettes on different parts of the yacht. We believe that this is because no group of brunettes large enough to separate from blondes has ever before made it to Episode 5. While we are proud these ladies are there to Represent, we do not endorse segregation.

Anyhow, Bevin steals Andy for some Special Quality Kayak Time. We cannot get over how suddenly she is walking and flipping over kayaks and swimming and talking about "mouth to mouth" (ew. I mean, seriously.) after allegedly spraining her ankle severely less than two weeks earlier. That girl is a Bunny Boiler. Run, Forest, run.

But off we go to the first individual date with Stephanie from KS. "Bring your pallate for a night of pleasure" her date card says. That is so dirty that this viewer puts the afghan over her head. And moments later we are glad, as we see Steph's skin-tight-white-turtleneck-with-capped-sleeves and-red-polka-dots-with-red-shiny-belt-on-TOP. And the ginormous disc earrings. While she can pull this off as she is 23 and a former gymnist, we think only of the marshmallow easter bunny Peep that we would be in that get-up.

We actually love this date and secretly think it would be really fun unless we had to go with Andy (and then would rather go by ourselves). Steph and Andy get to mix their own brand of wine and then paint a canvas that will be shrunken down to label size. But our reverie of perfect dates comes to a halt when Andy exhibits his mastery of 8th grade English concepts. Witness, the Allegory: "Blending wine was fun, and you can even take it to the next level and compare it to relationships." And "it tastes beautiful, like you." Life is like a box of chocolates, as it were.

In the end, Andy surprises us by asking Steph intelligent questions about what motivates her and what her career goals are, and she gives non-answers. He rightfully attributes her vagueness to her age and we try to recover from the shock.

Unfortunately, we are not given sufficient time before we are accosted by Bevin in a babydoll nightgown tearfully complaining to Amber that she has feelings for Andy and cannot feel, at her "advanced age" (28) that she should be angling after a guy who angles after "23 year olds." Amber is all "back off bitch" and "I am the most mature 23 year old EVER" because like Shania Twain, she raised her younger siblings. She also is probably the most mature 23 year old because she is REALLY 40.

While we should care about this, we are more concerned with trying to understand why anyone would wear a babydoll dress to sleep in (or period, but to each her own). I mean, how on earth do her lady parts stay in the little cups? We are confident she wakes up every morning in a decidedly ungraceful state.

But on to the next group date with Danielle, Amber, Tina, and Bevin. This group is doing a Charity Event: painting a playground for kindergarteners. Ok, this also would be an AWESOME date. Except that Bevin is a tard: "Even though we're working, we all know we are here for Andy." C is for Children, Bevin. And according to Danielle, she wants at least two. Then Tina/Wing goes on and on about how being in the house is like high school and she has taken the high road, and we decide she articulates too clearly and it is a little weird. But then surprise surprise, the kids are there to play! Everyone decides Andy would be a great dad, Amber starts to cry she is so overcome, and they all say "Go Team Playground."

As this was boring, we use intermission to tell our sister about Salt and Pepper at the gym, who we dreamed was a scientist trying to decipher the song of whales. Our sister informs us that public television did a special on a woman who is doing that very thing and that the male whales have special songs to attract women "WAA whooo WHOO WOHG." We heart public television but are quite sure Salt and Pepper has never made those noises in his life. Though if he did, it would certainly grab our attention.

The last individual date is with Tessa. "Come as you are, and I'll take care of the rest" her card says. Ok, we really like Tessa and don't know if we want her to win or not for that reason. She also is wearing a belt over a tube top, which she fortunately exchanges for a fancy dress and tons of diamonds. Bevin is "stunned" that Tessa would get diamonds on her date. But we also are stunned because we actually like this date too: eating dinner in a canopied garden in the rain. What is happening to us!?!?!?! We must be getting a head-cold. This date is nice, which almost makes up for the fact that the filmographer tried really hard to get a shot of her Va-JJ as she was climbing out of the car in her heels and little dress.

And at last we have the rose ceremony, and the last ditch one-on-one times: Andy is a little concerned that Amber is immature. He likes Bevin's dress, but we hate it because it looks like a big sheet tied with a black ribbon. He doesn't get a lot of attention from Tina/ Wing. He likes his time with Tessa. And Danielle is "probably the most into him" out of all the women. WTF, we SO did not sense that. Steph and he have a special bond. Then Bevin and Amber break into the deliberation room (because that is a display of maturity) and look at all the pictures of the remaining women. blah.

In the end, he is a "navy lieutenant. An ironman. But this is the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his life." And he picks:
1. Bevin
2. Amber
3. Tessa (whose dress we LOVE)
4. Danielle

Tina is worried that her failure to open up to Andy will be the greatest regret of her life. Steph from KS is tearful.

Stay tuned for next week, when he Meets the Parents, bachelor style. And Bevin reveals a Terrible Secret....