The Prosecutrix Part Finale: MWAH.

Finally, FINALLY it is The Prosecutrix Part Put A Bullet In It followed by Part Twist The Knife With Another After The Final Rose Episode.  You know what this means, babies:  After tonight, This Viewer gets to sleep for a few months until it all starts again. Praise jesus.

But first, we begin by watching the live viewing audience watching on tape what once happened live.  From LA.  “With Super Doppler Radar,” adds ABe, for good measure.  And here is Chris Harrison, talking about “Bachelorette viewing parties going on across the country” but the most important one allegedly is happening On Live Television.  We gaze at our wine (Barefoot, because we Keep It Classy), our paper (blank), ABe (drawing), and KMu (feeding Baby BMu, who has decided to go apeshit because he Speaks Our Inner Soul), and think to ourselves that Chris Harrison has no idea. 

Aaaanyway, we are back at Casa Del Campo in the Dominican Republic.  It all seems familiar.  And then we know why:  Because we painted it at Drink & Draw a few weeks ago.  Behold, Our Masterpiece:

Yes, This Viewer put Monsters in it [Rawr!].  And also, A Parrot to cover the polterwang that we accidentally gave the hammock when we were painting “freely” with our brush.

So the first date is with Nick, and The BNU Staff are already bored.  Really, this is a theme for the evening.  Nick, however, is excited to have The Prosecutrix back in his arms.  We meet Mom Patti, Dad Hy, Sister someone, and also we believe her husband.  It appears Nick may have given Hy whiskey as a housewarming gift. 

We think back on the applesauce we gave our neighbor this morning and refuse to feel bad about it.

The themes here are that Nick is extremely nervous, but swears his eternal love of The Prosecutrix.  Mom Patti wants him to know that The Prosecutrix worked her way through law school (which is why she gave it up the law to go on this show, clearly).  And the Prosecutrix confesses to her sister that her relationship with Nick is “very romantic” and that he also “makes her feel like a woman” and “sees her entire soul.”

“Show her the fairy tale book,” whispers KMu.

But then we remember how much we love Hy because Nick tries to ask for his blessing to propose, and Hy says, as This Viewer’s father has said to many a suitor, “well, it’s my daughter’s decision.  So if Andi decides you’re the one, then you will be a good fit.”   Yay, Hy!

This date ends with us all watching the top of The Prosecutrix’s underpants try to climb out the back of her dress.  We make a mental note not to wear backless dresses when sporting High Waisted Hosiery.

And just like that, the limo has whisked Nick away and off we go to spend time with Everyman.  The Prosecutrix tells her family that he is “totally my type, athlete, I totally threw him to the side, but he is totally not like that.”  We at the BNU are Totally Beginning to Hate Her.

Now, here is the thing about Everyman, on which have not focused In This Confessional because if we look at it directly, It Enrages Us.  Every time that Everyman kisses The Prosecutrix, he says --and the closed captioning dutifully reports --“MWAH.” And yes, this is the Finale and we are only bringing it up now.  But that is because, and we mean this Gentle Readers, it Enrages Us That Much.

So when Everyman “MWAHs” The Prosecutrix and presents A Very Original Gift of flowers and chocolate to her parents, our left eye begins to twitch.

Everyman is so nervous that he has forgotten to button half of his shirt.  Which suits The Prosecutrix because she is wearing A Ruffle on top, and a tablecloth on the bottom.  ABe hates this outfit.  The Prosecutrix’s family, however, is more concerned that Everyman is the type of guy that The Prosecutrix goes for all the time. 

But never fear, for This One Is Different. Says The Prosecutrix, “I came on this show to branch out and find a different type of guy, but here Everyman is, an athlete from Atlanta, just my type.  Sometimes, I, like, challenge him and tell him to step it up and give me something serious, and then he, like, totally steps it up.”

Well then.  Be Still Our Beating Hearts (All of Us).

In addition to ALSO telling Everyman that it really is The Prosecutrix’s decision as to who she is going to pick, Hy wins us over again by asking Everyman if he and The Prosecutrix really don’t just have a “Camp Romance.”  

Somehow, we think these two have already hit the boathouse.

As Everyman drives away at the end of this Lighting Round of Meet and Greet, The Prosecutrix wonders if one of her fine young gentlemen will break her heart “for the first time ever.”  WHAT?  But then we don’t care because we are back at the Live Viewing Audience and McConaughey is In. The. House.  *gasp*

“Farmer’s lookin’ fine,” says KMu, for ALL OF US. 

So back we go to watching the live people watching the video of the finale or whatever (really, we are starting to get dizzy), and here is the Prosecutrix in a bathing suit and scarf.  Apparently, this is her final date with Everyman, who has chosen to wear that same horrible ringer tank top that he keeps recycling, with its various blue lines and tiny tiny black pocket.   This Viewer had a tank top like that i in the 1980s.  It was hand-me-down from her male cousins.  From the 1970s.

He leans in to kiss The Prosecutrix [MWAH] and The Prosecutrix leans away.  As they climb aboard A Yacht, The Prosecutrix says “here we go” in a voice so tired that it sounds like “let’s get on with this,” concludes KMu, instead of “I’m on a boat with my beloved!”

We are not paying any more attention, because The Prosecutrix is once again analyzing the relationship and expressing all manner of doubt, followed by giddiness, followed by jumping in the water, followed by this:  “our relationship is as high as it’s ever been.”  (Everyman).

As they return from what appears to have been dinner so that they can Sit On the Sofa and Be Awkward While Filmed, we are all unsurprised that Everyman has neither “questions” nor “thoughts” to share with The Prosecutrix.  Because, Gentle Readers, he “knows how he feels with her” and “everything about her.”  Really?  REALLY?  The Prosecutrix wonders whether “anything will be left” if the feeling of “not being able to get enough of each other” goes away.  So basically, What Happens When The Hots Fade. 

The camera pans downward, revealing that Everyman is wearing Salmon Pants of Rage.

“Does everyone on this show have salmon bottoms?” asks ABe.

And now we must slow play this, for Everyman has gotten The Prosecutrix a gift.  And that gift is…. A personal baseball card.  Which says “The Murrays.” Because why wouldn’t she take his last name after apparently no discussion?

And then there is this:

Stats:
Bats: Right.
Throws:  Right.
Drafted:  First Round, First Pick.
Games:  Doesn’t Play Games.  [hhahhahhaa]
Runs:  Into Josh’s arms. [hahahah *sob*]
Walks:  In the park.
Doubles:  As an Attorney. [more like “moonlights”]
Steals:  Josh’s Heart. 
Saves:  Josh from being a lonely man.  [no words].
Fun Fact:  Husband Josh has never missed a day saying ‘I love you.’”

As these Stats are read, There Is Cacophony at the BNU:

“OMG, I hate this guy.  I hate him so much,” says ABe.  “And also, that card is poorly designed.”

“A guy doesn’t put his last name on a girl if he isn’t ready for this,” Says The Prosecutrix.  Which This Viewer decries vehemently as Utter Bullshit.

“If you like it, then you shouldaputyourlastname on it,” sings KMu.  

And then we return to civility, as ABe offers KMu a chocolate made of 80% cacao, noting that it is slightly darker than other chocolate.  “All dark chocolate looks alike, doesn’t it Ron?” asks KMu of ABe. 

Marquel, we will not forget you.

Off we go to the final date with Nick.  To which The Prosecutrix has chosen to wear a black tanktop tucked into her underpants, and Nick has chosen to match his shorts and t-shirt entirely, making a color block of blue.  This is apparently what one wears to go “off-roading” in a jeep.   As we see them tear through the woods, Nick says “I just enjoy…being around her….”

“In an ‘I want to tear your skin off, Clarice,’ kind of way,” concludes ABe.

So The Prosecutrix takes Nick to a “private, secret lagoon,” where they drink wine and kiss.  We look around for some mutant monkeys, or maybe blood rain, or something to make this more interesting.  But We Are Denied because instead, all we get is Nick worrying about going down the path of engagement, where he has been before, and then being denied.   After dinner, It Continues:

“I love when you ramble” – The Prosecutrix.

“I love when you look at me with your creepy eyes,” - ABe.

But in all seriousness, there is 15 minutes in which The Couple ramble about rambling.  At the conclusion, The Prosecutrix encourages Nick to “turn your brain off and just feel,” and also “think of all the things we’ve ‘enjoyed’” (in air quotes), both of which sound a little rape-y and not actually romantic to This Viewer.  But it gets worse because next, they talk about what a typical day would be like “well, I get up at 6 a.m….” Nick starts.

“Then follow you to work and call you every 10 minutes…” finishes ABe.

This date ends with the gifting of a necklace that is a bottle holding sand, and the conclusion that The Prosecutrix knows Nick is an intellectual by how he kisses.  We don’t know about that, but we can at least report that we know Nick went to drama school by the way he dresses.  And also, “the word ‘intellectual’ has been used far too many times in this show,” observes KMu.

And then it is the morning of the Final Rose Ceremony.  The Prosecutrix crawls out of bed, opens her curtains, and we all let out a gasp.  Babies, at some point in every woman’s life, generally in her 20s and before The Landslide Brings Us Down, we think it’s a good idea to make the purchase of A Silken Negligee.  Which is typically cheap looking and/or Actually Made of Taffeta or another Hateful Material because we were Fooled By the Victoria’s Secret Catalogue.  Perhaps we got said Item At A Discount.  But post-purchase, and while fannying about in our apartment as if an extra in Eat Pray Love, we inevitably realize that we are cold, and also, sliding off the chair.  At that point, we return to cotton. Warm, beloved cotton.

But The Prosecutrix is apparently on her First Silken Negligee, which is hot pink, covered in tacky lace in all the usual places, and also, really really ugly.  Undeterred, she has ventured outside in her negligee and A CARDIGAN to think about Everyman and Nick.  We have a strong suspicion that We Have Seen LadyBits.

  

While this is going on, Neil Lane is showing Everyman rings, as Everyman talks about potentially getting engaged to The Prosecutrix in relation to other “big days” in his life, such as being drafted in baseball.  We sigh internally.  And then we sigh again because now Everyman is talking about getting a “strong ring” for his “strong lady.”  Which is basically code for Getting A Giant Diamond Loogiee For Her Finger.

But, there is a  hard edit, and suddenly we realize that The Prosecutrix has come to visit Nick in his cabana.  Uh oh. But rather than find out what actually is about to occur, Chris Harrison decides to wrench us back to the “live viewing audience” to hear what some “Fan favorites”  have to say.  SIGH.

We don’t know when ABC concluded that Norma Cassidy from Season Juan Ton is a ‘Fan Favorite,” but here she is declaring that  “I wish someone would have come to my door!”

Then McConaughey is talking, and we don’t hear anything he says because ABe is telling him that she loves him, and wants to have his babies.

“So, you’re lukewarm about him…” says KMu. 

Michelle Money from  Season We Can’t Remember then stands up and wants to know who the next Bachelor is.  Everyone at the BNU has a heart attack hoping/not hoping that it is McConaughey.  We don’t want to hate him with the fire of a thousand suns, babies. It is very stressful For This Viewer to think about.

So back we go to The Prosecutrix, who we now realize is wearing a bed sheet with feathers printed on it.  “I woke up this morning, and felt that something is right.  The thing I see in you, with us, I don’t think is best for us.  We would over-analyze everything.  It isn’t right.  It isn’t right.  And also, it isn’t right.”

 We feel bad for Nick, who is so stunned he nearly has no words.  We also note, For The Presses, that The Prosecutrix appears more comfortable with Nick, talking about being uncomfortable, than she appears to be with Everyman.  So Nick and The Prosecutrix talk in code for while saying that he doesn’t know how she could look at him the way she did, and react “as she did,” and then be saying these things.  He wants to know if this is an issue of their relationship, or because it’s about someone else, and SHE SHRUGS.   She is dead to us, if she cannot even articulate that.

As he Exits Stage Right, Nick tells The Prosecutrix that he “hopes that you are 100% sure and not just scared.”   And then we see him taking all his shriveled roses out of his suitcase and throwing them away.  Da da DUM.   Back with the live viewing audience, Chris Harrison tells us that The Prosecutrix has since refused to talk or meet with Nick.

Babies, and then he is gone.  And we are thrust into the Weirdest Rose Ceremony Ever. We didn’t really like Nick, but we still feel bad for him.  And now all we are left with is Everyman, whom we don’t care about. It is a bit like Season Ben That We Did Not Blog, but in which everyone at the end was a Terrible, Terrible Choice and We Did Not Care. 

But here we are standing with The Prosecutrix on a sunset platform.  She is wearing a hand towel on a ring around her neck and has horsey hair.   Everyman is wearing a suit that is two sizes too small.  He can barely button it.

“If he can’t get a suit that fits, then we’re done here,” says ABe.

MWAH!  And then Everyman is talking. And talking.  Something about giving up his first love of baseball, and that they have “a love” like your read about “in great books” and that his life changed when he saw her, and that “I KNOW DEEP DOWN IN MY HEART THAT I AM THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD THAT CAN MAKE YOU SMILE AS YOU DO.”  

What.  The Actual.  F*ck.  

And then “When I look in your eyes, so much beauty, love, passion, I want to give the world to you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you….. MWAH. 

And then it is The Prosecutrix’s turn to say “wow, it has been a Journey” [everybody drink].  Blah blah “I have loved you since I set eyes on you….”

KMu, for All of Us:  “REALLY?”

ABe, to KMu:  “I’d do you before I’d do that guy.”

He proposes,she says yes.  MWAH, MWAH, and also, MWAH. 

We just have no words.  We start searching the crowd for McConaughey to calm ourselves when the proposal is finally over and we are back to the viewing audience.

Just like that, we are into the Bonus “After The Final Rose.”   And this is so boring that we are going to summarize.

Nick is heartbroken and not moving on.  He is devastated “the likes of which we rarely see on this show,” says Chris Harrison.  And he wants to see The Prosecutrix, so he travelled to Mexico where she was vacationing, and she refused to see him.  And then he travelled to The Men Tell All and she refused to see him.  He eventually gave her a note to read (via Chris Harrison), which she apparently does read, but still refuses to see him until tonight, when she can Avoid Him No More.

Nick is trying not to cry as he comes out on stage.  We feel genuinely bad for him.  And then out comes the Prosecutrix in a white lace dress which we hate, and she Will Have None Of Him.  She is so legitimately cold that we conclude there is something else that is not being said. …. Until Nick says that they slept together in the fantasy suite.  And now we understand.  She is embarrassed by some of her life choices with Nick, and wants to bury him and never talk to him again.

Chris Harrison wants to know if The Prosecutrix “loved Nick, or parts of him?” To which she dispassionately states that “I didn’t love Nick, and that’s why I didn’t tell him.”  And also, that her relationship with Everyman was “more right” than her relationship with Nick.  This is terrible.  We end the segment with Nick looking down at the floor from one end of the sofa, and The Prosecutrix looking off into the distance from the other.   

So what better way to end the show than to awkwardly bring out Everyman.  He keeps pawing her, they talk about nothing, and somehow someone brings up “role playing’ and we are speechless.  Gentle readers, they are allegedly going to get married within the next six months to a year.  We give the relationship that long.

And in a testament to how boring this couple is, Chris Harrison announces that Grumpy Cat is on set because ha ha, The Prosecutrix Has A Frown and wouldn’t it be funny for her to compete against Grumpy Cat.” 

“So they are bringing out an internet meme because the people themselves are so boring…..” says KMu.  This Viewer takes a drink.

And just like that, we are done.

That was…. Painful babies.  But we will see you all next season. We hope you will join us. 

The Prosecutrix Part Men Tell All: In Which The Bachelor Reaches A New Low.

"There is an ultrasound technician here tonight.  That is all you need to say," announces KMu after the first 30 seconds of The Men Tell All, sending This Viewer and ABe scrambling for the wine.  It's going to be a Shit Show, babies, and we must form a Pinot bridge over those particular waters.

Sure enough, The Dentist and J.P. come out, from the Bachelorette Part Dentist.   He is still endearing.  She is still terrifying.  And also, she is six months pregnant.  ABC scans the “live viewing audience” for their reactions, and we discover that Edie Brickell is in the audience.  She is not aware, of too many things, she knows what she knows, if you know what we mean, gentle readers. 

So, The Dentist and JP are moving to Miami because of The Polar Vortex, and more importantly, let’s all gather around because they have agreed to do a LIVE ULTRASOUND ON THE NATIONAL TELEVISION TO DISCOVER THE SEX OF THE BABY.

Because why not share that special moment with 3 million of your closest friends.  This is how we feel (All of Us):

It is a boy.

But we at the BNU are now silent, and not simply because we have been drinking heavily.  “Just when I thought this show could not get any worse, it reaches a new low,” says KMu for All Of Us.  ABe keeps  muttering something about “not on television” and also “jesus.”

After The Dentist and JP depart, we are next treated to a preview of The Bachelor in Paradise, starting August 4.  As with The Bachelor Pad, we anticipate watching exactly 1/2 of the first episode before concluding that we Just. CanNot.  Needless to say, This Viewer will not be blogging that show.

At last, we are “confronted to the men,” as this Viewer’s husband likes to say.  Oooh, welcome back to Carl (The Hotness), Brett and his rattail, Andrew (whom we hate.  All. Of. Us.).  Patrick.  The Opera Singer (who we recently learned went to school with our intrepid reader KHu, and also, he was a tool even then).   Ron.  Drunk Craig.  Nick the pro golfer.  Tazo.  The Pantspraneur.  Marquel.  Mackledouche.  Dylan The Unclean.  Brian.  Marcus.   Aaaaaaand McConaughey.   And they are all wearing scarves, in the style of Nick.  We start laughing in spite of ourselves.

Blah blah there are the useless comments from the peanut gallery:  Oh, for McConaughey felt that The Prosecutrix was so beautiful, and also had a lot to offer!  Oh, here is Marquel and we don’t hear anything he has to say because it is MARQUEL and the blood is rushing to our ears!   He is wearing a chocolate chip cookie pin on top of his ascot.

“I really love that cookie,” says This Viewer.

“Is that a metaphor?” asks ABe.

And now we must go back to exactly the place that we did not want to go:  The he said/he said between Andrew and the Pantspraneur as to whether Andrew really said that thing about The Prosecutrix picking “the blackies.”  We sigh inwardly.   Marquel is, again, a champion in explaining that his faith calls him to forgive Andrew, and that he does, but that this is a difficult situation because he cannot prove what was said, though he trusts the Pantspraneur, as his friend, spoke the truth.  So he said what he needed to say to Andrew, and is moving on.

And then Andrew begins to defend himself, “I think that RON handled this really appropriately…” because it is easy to confuse Ron and Marquel, the only black men in the house, since, you know, they all look alike.

ABe:  “You cannot hear me screaming because the sound is so high-pitched that only dogs can hear it.”

Marquel:  “Excuse me? Ron?  I’m Marquel…” 

Again, we get this from the Viewing Audience: 

But Andrew wants to talk about how he felt attacked by people in the house who “had an agenda.”  And also, these allegations have had serious repercussions in his life, including in his job.  And our thing is this:  If Andrew was not so obviously a jerk in real life, this kerfluffle probably would not have the traction that it allegedly does, simply because people would not believe it.  But no, after talking about himself and his hardships, Andrew insists that instead of making a comment about “blackies” in the three seconds that the camera showed him leaning over to the Pantspraneur on that fateful evening, he instead said [insert lengthy detailed statement about it being a long night and also other stuff].  Which is totally not credible, and makes us hate him more, regardless of what was actually said.   As Marquel observes, “I lose some respect for you because you are deflecting.  Instead of acknowledging how difficult this is, all I see is your selfishness…”

Then McConaughey  switches it up by observing that The Pantspraneur is a bit of a pot stirrer because when there is an issue, he starts creating a buzz to other people instead of going directly to the source.  We secretly think he has a point. 

In short, the Pantspraneur is a gossip, Andrew is an ass, and we could not love Marquel any more than we do.

“Hey Ron, do you want some more wine?” says KMu to ABe.

Then Marquel takes the “hot seat.”   We look at his “journey,” and love him EVEN MORE when he says that he had no idea that the other men were kissing The Prosecutrix so quickly.  “Ya’ll could have dropped me a note or something” says he.  “You made me look like a square!.” And then he hands out black & white cookies to the audience.  We are depressed that he will be going on The Bachelor in Paradise, because we want to love him as we do in this very moment, and not be disappointed by his second appearance on That Drinking Game Called The Bachelor Part Summer Fill-In Fluff.

Marcus is up next.  He is allegedly still traumatized by being dumped, but we have no interest.  He is apparently joining Marquel on The Bachelor in Paradise, where he will no doubt rebound quickly.

At long last, it is McConaughey.    Gentle Readers, This Viewer had a birthday over the weekend.  And for our birthday, and in addition to the EMF Detector for All Our Ghost Hunting Adventures that we received from our dear friend SKu, ABC has Gifted Unto Us a last sighting of McConaughey. 

But first, we must watch the break up that made us all cry.  Again. 

So McConaughey says that he put 110% of himself into his relationship with the Prosecutrix, and while there may have been some things that he could have done differently, he can’t really put a finger on it.  He thinks perhaps they just needed more time.  And also, his family has been totally supportive and loving since he has been back, and they trust that he will eventually find someone.  Oh, but he doesn’t really know where he will go to do that…..

And then creepy lady with no pants raises her hand from the audience.   She calls herself “Ketra” from a “small town in Canada,” and we can only believe that it is true because the equally awfully-named “Shania” is also from a small Canadian town.   Chris Harrison invites “Ketra” down to speak with McConaughey, as the men scream “Y.O.L.O.” from the peanut gallery.

“Y.O.L.O. is for people too dumb to know carpe diem,” says KMu. 

This little interlude ends in an extremely awkward speed-date that lasts through the ad break, at which point “Ketra” gives McConaughey her number and he asks her, “what’s your name again?” 

We hate Ketra for destroying our birthday treat.  And also, dating women who accost you on television wearing no pants will never work out in the end, McConaughey (which we think he secretly knows).

Finally, The Prosecutrix comes out.

“She is wearing lights….” Says ABe.  And there do seem to be a lot of black sequins and mesh going on. But this whole segment is a big nothing.  She stabs McConaughey in the heart again by telling him that she didn’t feel the “foundation” with him to go any farther, and then says he was a gentleman when she dumped him.  Mackledouche laments that she didn’t get to see “the real” Mackledouche, and Marquel wants to know why he got friend-zoned (to which she says “sometimes that’s just what happens”).  Eventually, Corporate Chris [the dude from a past season who ALSO tried to get on this season and is now ALSO on Bachelor In Paradise] tries to come down from the audience to talk about his failed attempt to meet The Prosecutrix because he is that much of a fame whore.  We don’t care.  

Awkwardly, we segue into an announcement by Chris Harrison that,  “Remember those lie detector results that you ripped up… DADDY’S GOT SOME!!!”  We at the BNU all agree that The Harrison has completely upped his Creep factor this episode.    And also, “Daddy’s Got Some!” is a phrase that should cause any self-respecting female to exit the room immediately unless it is legitimately spoken by (a) a Daddy, (b) regarding something that a daddy would normally have, such as but not including a fresh stack of diapers.

 Unsurprisingly, three men told no lies:  Brian, JJ, and Our Beloved, McConaughey. On the other hand, Marcus lied about sleeping with FEWER than 20 women, and also about the fact that he allegedly prefers brunettes to blondes.  Naturally, the Prosecutrix declines to see what Everyman lied about, preferring to “trust the process.”

At last, after two completely unriveting hours, ABC puts a fork in it by telling us that next week, we must watch how things unfold between the The Prosecutrix and her two remaining candidates, Nick and Everyman.   Oh, and that’s going to be a three hour special because This Viewer is apparently to be Denied Her Sleep  with one final twist of the knife that is Season Prosecutrix.

See you next week for the Grand Finale, Babies.

-KLo.

The Prosecutrix Part 9: In Which Our Hearts Are Ripped Out

Babies, we find ourselves in the Dominican Republic for The Prosecutrix Part 9.  But not This Viewer’s version of the DR, where we shared an outhouse and a single 55 gallon drum of Water For All Purposes every week with six other people who actually lived there, but rather Magical ABC Dominican Republic, which consists solely of fancy resorts.   We think of the lady we knew who walked six miles every day to be a maid at a similar resort, and become depressed.   The Prosecutrix is thrilled, however, for it is all so “vibrant” and also, “Romantic!”  She is so excited to get “intimate” with the three remaining men.

And then we must suffer through twenty minutes of retrospective on her three swains, while The Prosecutrix journals in a children’s notebook. We focus on McConaughey and deep breathe.  But all too soon we are ripped away for magical overnight date #1 with Nick. 

“Silence of the lambs is now featured on Netflix,” says ABe.  “Coincidence?”

The Prosecutrix is wearing a tie dye pillowcase and it is terrible.  We then must all watch her undress into a bikini to sunbathe, even though no one else is sunbathing on that particular beach.  We wonder how she likes the sand fleas that are probably biting her, and also, how cold it really is.  Thankfully, she puts on another pillowcase to meet Nick at a helicopter, all the while wondering whether he has Secret Depths because he actually Takes Break Ups Harder than he Lets On.  Lo, for Nick’s family has said that during one break up, he went on A Downward Spiral. 

“Let’s not talk about downward spirals around a helicopter,” recommends KMu.  And also, if the extent of Nick’s Hidden Depths is that he went through a break up One Time At Band Camp, This Viewer is not interested.

So Nick shows up, wearing turquoise shorts of rage.  Blah blah, they fly to another beach, over a seaweed heart in the water.  A HEART IN THE WATER, Gentle Readers.  It is Meant To Be!  We continue to grow tired as The Prosecutrix and Nick kiss everywhere, and then talk deeply and meaningfully about that one break up he had, one time in his “early 20s,” where his EGO was bruised because The Lady broke it off, and he didn’t want to talk to anyone for six whole months thereafter.  We secretly wonder if he listened to a lot of Morrissey and smoked clove cigarettes during this Period of Introspection.

The takeaway here is that Nick wants to tell The Prosecutrix that he loves her, but once again, simply Can’t Find The Opportunity in their entire day together, and therefore is disappointed. We don’t care.

  

But suddenly, we are screaming because it is dinner time, and Nick has shown up in…. hot pink jeans (pegged).  White Keds.  And a grey baseball shirt WITH electric blue sleeves AND a neon yellow collar.

 “Jitterbug….. [badooba] Jitterbug.” Sings KMu.  “Wake me up, before you go, go….”

Over dinner, Nick reveals that he is “quirky” and has a “childlike sense of wonder.”  This is what he says.  About himself.  And also, that he did what “any 33 year old Midwestern guy would do” when he has spare time on his hands, and …… wrote The Prosecutrix A FAIRY TALE.  Which he now proposes to read.   

Two things happen simultaneously at BNU Headquarters.  KMu and This Viewer gasp and scream “IT HAS DRAWINGS.”  And also, This Viewer decides that, Healthy New Leaf Be Damned, we cannot get through the next segment of this show Without Fortification.  We go digging through KMu’s fridge for a beer.   

And Then It Starts:

“Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Andi in the kingdom of Atlanta.”

“Who’s the fat king, is what I want to know,” says ABe.

  “Andi was known by many to be known as the most amazingly beautiful princess in all the kingdoms across any land.  Princes and many nobles sought Andi’s hand in marriage. But Andi promised herself that she would wait until she knew she had found true love.  Blah blah the Great King, King Hy (her dad), decides that Andi would embark on an Ancient Quest in search for her one true love.  So, the Great King sent out his love experts all across the lands for suitors who would possibly be Andi’s love.  After thousands were considered, the love experts chose 25 suitors to go on this quest with Andi.  The suitors came from all walks of life.  The Great King Hy said that if any of these suitors finds true love with Andi they would slowly find a place and be worthy to rule the kingdom of Chicago or Atlanta. 

"The quest began in the magical land of Los Angeles. In this land, each suitor had to get out of his horse-drawn carriage to meet her…something about handing out Magic Love Flowers (MAGIC LOVE FLOWERS PEOPLE) if the men were worthy of continuing on this Quest….. Oh, but Nick knew there was something different about this princess.  .. Over the next few weeks… [blah blah insert a bunch of bullshit about their various dates] culminating in the final destination of the Dominican Republic, where fictional Nick pulls out the fantasy suite card to go to the “MAGICAL ROOM.” 

We. Have. No. Words. 

But of course, the Prosecutrix thinks its so romantic!  So she gives him the fantasy suite card and then he pulls her over to some trees to “tell her that he loves her” by not, in fact, using those words but instead telling her that he loves what he knows about her, that she is a serious girl, that she knows what she wants and is “so strong,” ….

Which is why he wrote a bullshit story in which The Prosecutrix was a princess and her dad made all the decisions, until it was time for fictional Nick to invite her to a “magical room.”  

RAGE.

  

 Date #2 is in Santo Domingo, El Capital, with Everyman.   She is wearing another pillowcase, this time from the 1950s, as a top.  He is wearing his shirt open at least two buttons too far.   And then suddenly, and we did not think that this was possible any further In Season Prosecutrix, we are pleasantly surprised.  Because Everyman can speak Spanish.  Legitimately.  We wonder where that came from.  

At any rate, Everyman’s linguistic ability is not enough to save our interest in this date.   Basically, Everyman is all excited to throw The Prosecutrix over his shoulder and run back to Atlanta, leaving the rest behind.  The Prosecutrix, on the other hand, is inexplicably nervous because “obviously, it’s great” being with Everyman, but it’s also “nervewracking.”

So they go shopping.  And also, dance merengue in the street terribly.  She now feels “giddy” and like this date is “exceeding her expectations.”  And then, because this is apparently the only thing she knows how to relate to him on, she takes him to a youth baseball game because “when you are in the Dominican Republic, how can you not play baseball?”

“I was in the DR for three months and I never played baseball,” says ABe.  Preach.

So from the baseball playing, The Prosecutrix concludes that Everyman will be a “great dad.”   They continue in this vein as Everyman looms over her on a park bench and then later, at dinner.  KMu speaks the truth for All Of Us when she says that, despite The Prosecutrix’s commentary regarding their Amazing Chemistry, The Prosecutrix always seems to be physically bracing herself against the onslaught That Is Everyman.  Oh, but he “loves everything about” The Prosecutrix.

“He’s not even 30, for God’s sake,” says ABe.

Over dinner, The Prosecutrix and Everyman have a stimulating conversation about whether she thinks he is “cocky” and how she is “difficult” in relationships, leading This Viewer to an internal mini-rage about women concluding they are “difficult in relationships” when they simply ask for what they want and also, dammit all of our beer is gone. 

They go to the fantasy suite.  They kiss in the pool.  We are uninterested. 

Finally, date #3, the piece de la resistance, arrives with McConaughey.  But uh oh, for we are at Rancho Peligro.

“Danger Ranch?” says KMu.

McConaughey (The Hotness) and The Prosecutrix are going to be riding horses today, even though she (like This Viewer), is terrified of them.  We don’t really understand why she picked this for their date.  However, suddenly, we heart McConaughey more when, after discovering that the date she picked is not, in fact, something The Prosecutrix is comfortable with, he patiently explains how to ride a horse, helps her get onto it, and then calmly tells her how to handle the horse as it starts to move a little faster than she anticipated.  McConaughy, For The Win on a Thousand And One Levels.

We at the BNU watch in silent appreciation as McConaughey rides off into the grassland.  “Is it wrong to say that I’m jealous of the horse?” asks KMu.

McConaughey and The Prosecutrix have a picnic under a shady tree, where they discuss the awesomeness of his family.  He talks about how his family has been so happy and supportive of his effort to find love, even though it’s been difficult for his dad to manage the farm while he is gone.  We are reminded that this is a person who puts food on all of our tables, and also, that We Love Him.   They end the picnic by playing ghosts in the graveyard, where he pulls her behind a bush and gives her a kiss.

“There’s something that’s keeping me into him….” Says The Prosecutrix.

“There’s something keeping you into him? GIRL….” Says KMu, once again For All Of Us.

The Prosecutrix and McConaughey go off to dinner that night at a resort.  She is once again wearing a dress that does not allow her to wear underthings.    

McConaughey attempts to have an adult conversation.  He says that he has thought seriously about what their life would look like together if they would get married, and he sees it.  He tells her that there is a lot of opportunity for a really smart attorney in Iowa, and that they would work together to make the transition easier for her if she decided to choose him.  He then asks her directly how she feels about the “whole Iowa thing” and what is in her gut at this moment. 

And then she starts to cry and in that instant, we hate her.

She says that it would be a struggle to move to Iowa.  [WHY IS THIS ONLY COMING UP WITH MCCONAUGHEY, AS IF SHE IS NOT GOING TO MOVE FOR ANY OF THE OTHER GUYS?  AND ALSO, YOUR LICENSE IS TRANSFERABLE LADY AND IF NOT, TAKE THE F*ING BAR].   

She asks a series of rhetorical questions to which, because he is an adult and also, a Grown Ass Man, McConaughey cautiously asks if she wants him to answer, and then says that he can’t make decisions for her.  All he wanted to do is fall in love with her, which he did, and that he loves every part of her, things that are core to her, and that there is not one thing that he would want to change.  The Prosecutrix then rips all of our hearts out by saying that she wants to “blame it on Iowa” but in reality, she just doesn’t have feelings for him.  And she doesn’t want to make him wait around days for a rose ceremony when she knows this now.

McConaughey sighs and we all feel it.  He then puts an arm around her (because he is SUCH A MAN) and says that he appreciates and respects her for her honesty.  That while he is “incredibly disappointed,” he “gets it.”  When she starts blathering on about how she feels like an idiot for not being able to reciprocate because “look at you” (yes, LOOK AT HIM, you EGIT), he says “why are you questioning your feelings. Your feelings are all you have, at a certain point.”  He tells her he should go. She walks him out.  She begins to apologize again, and, voice breaking, he tells her not to. “I can’t control your feelings.  I want your feelings to be for me. But if they aren’t, then I want to go home.”  Then, THEN he tells her that she is an amazing woman, and that he is lucky enough for her to care so much that she told him now how she was feeling.

As McConaughey then cries in the car, ABe cries her first tear of all the seasons of the Bachelor Ever. 

This Viewer decides that we do not want McConaughey to return as the next Bachelor because he is too good for that, and he deserves his own private love story, better than anything this Viewer could write or imagine.  

Even though we don’t care anymore, then next day is the rose ceremony.  The Prosecutrix is completely fine with her decision to let McConaughey go, and we decide that we are completely fine with her picking whichever of the douchebags she has left because she Made her Own Bed.  And also, her dress “looks like a cape,” supplies ABe.

Chris Harrison announces that McConaughey is no longer here, and the two remaining idiots look giddy.  She offers them roses, the men take them.  Both are excited to meet her family.  Everyman, in particular, is excited to make the Prosecutrix “Andi Murray” because God forbid she decide to keep her own name.

And for once, we look forward to The Men Tell All next week, when we get to see McConaughey one last time and cry on his shoulder (after slipping him ABe’s number).

KLo. 

The Prosecutrix Part 8: After Which We All Move to Iowa

Three months ago, this Viewer decided to engage in a Battle To The Death against the fat albino-dom of law. And so we took up running.  And by "running," we mean "gasping for air as we parade at a slightly-faster-than-sedentary pace around all the goose nuggets in the street while Justin Timberlake demands that We Bring Sexy Back."  We made good progress, and even Fit Our Pants (our Real Pants, not the post-pregnancy pants our sister gave us after having a baby because they were too big for her but fit This Viewer just right).  And then, we had a Fourth of July Setback.  And so now, This Viewer has given up The Alcohol for two weeks ON TOP OF the running.  We Shall Not Survive. 

All this to say, as we plunge headfirst into Milwaukee, WI and a home date with Nick, that it is A Bitter Pill to watch this show Stone Cold Sober.  And also, Nick looks like a skeevy modern dance boy, as if *at any moment* he's going to slip off his shoes and Show Us All some "ooey-gooey movement."  We hate him. 

So blah blah, The Prosecutrix (in a pink scarf), and Nick (in a blue scarf) meet at the Milwaukee Public Market and then to the "Riverwalk," consisting of A Bridge over murky water in which Three Geezers Are Going Fishing in a pontoon boat laden down by beer. Ah, Milwaukee.  Oh!  but "The way I love Andi is different from how I love anyone else!," says Nick.  And soon we get to see, for he has taken The Prosecutrix to a brewery, where he has created his own beer entitled:  "Nick & Andy:  The Perfect Brew."  We think of all the beer labels we would make right now...

"The BNU:  Where Your Fitness Dreams Fail"

"The BNU:  Put on Some Pants, and Also, Drink This"

We sigh.  And then doubly sigh when Polka music starts playing in the bar, and Nick forces The Prosecutrix to dance with him.  And it is terrible. 

However, we have no time to digest because suddenly we are in Waukesha, and The Prosecutrix is meeting Nick's parents, and nine other siblings, and all of their spouses.  We cannot look away from the twenty or so photographs unimaginatively hung in straight lines on the wall, one of each child as a baby, and one as an adult.  ABC has otherwise given up on even trying to film this scene, as we see a few questions being asked with no answers filmed, and then a single 1:1 time with An Older Sister who has completely forgotten her pants, and also sleeves, but inexplicably, is wearing a giant scarf.   

"Maybe she just threw her skirt around her neck," muses KMu.

Sister:  "Do you feel like you can be you, unapologetically, around Andi?"

Nick:  " She makes me smile!" 

Sister:  "I'm having a hard time understanding the level of your connection." 

ABe [channeling Nick]:  "Why I want to rip off her skin and sew something?"

Kmu:  "What are we having for dinner?  Fava beans?"

Soon we are treated to 1:1 time with Nick and his mother. When this Viewer was a child, we became fascinated by the National Geographic photos of women with their neck rings: 

And so we cannot now look away from Nick's mother, who has created the midwestern version of The Neck Ring with strands upon strands of pearls.  Otherwise, we like her, especially when she warns Nick that he should be prepared to go home.  To which he responds:  "Oh Mom, I think I am the favorite." W.T.F.

As Nick kisses The Prosecutrix goodbye, he says that he will "never have enough of Andi.  I am pretty sure she knows I love her, but I didn't have enough time to tell her."  And also, he "thinks of her as my girl."  We become depressed. 

Thank God for McConaughey and Date #2 in Arlington, IA, population 758.  He says he loves his town, and that if The Prosecutrix is even "remotely excited" about the prospect of Iowa, he will be excited.  This Viewer loves us some Iowa, which has inexplicably taken the place of Southern Ohio in this Viewer's "I Have Never Lived Here but Could Happily" states.  And also, we sometimes secretly dream about buying a house in the middle of A Remote and Tiny Location Surrounded by Farmland after we win the lottery and Learn How to Can Things.  Sometimes, we think this is because we mostly want people to Leave. Us. the F. Alone.  But right in this moment, we choose to believe it is because we want McConaughey to know that People Exist Like This Viewer. 

More importantly:  "He is HOT" says The Prosecutrix, for All of Us.  As McConaughey shows us all around his house, we love him more because he is a "Grown. Ass. Man." with a house instead of an apartment, and also, a red toaster oven.  However, we become concerned that The Prosecutrix cannot appreciate McConaughey's greatness, as she spazzes that the crops are "his back yard!! I am standing in his back yard!!!"  And then this happens: 

The Prosecutrix: "He's the epitome of a man.  The way he is driving that tractor, plowing down those fields."

ABe:  "What's that song from Spinal Tap? ... 

Oh, here we go, 'Sex Farm:'  Ahem: 

'Working on a sex farm,

Trying to raise some hard love,

Getting out my pitch fork,

Poking your hay."

We have no words. 

Up they go into his tractor, where The Prosecutrix sits in McConaughey's lap to drive, for All of Us.  They stop to have a picnic in the middle of the field and talk about his family, and her options for work.  He says that he wants her to be happy, no matter what, and observes that if she's not happy with the lifestyle that she is living with him, then she won't be happy with him.  Which we think is rather remarkably observant.  And then he begins, "There is an opportunity to be a homemaker..." but cannot keep a straight face, for which we are relieved.  Though A Noble Profession, it should be The Prosecutrix's choice whether to stay at home or not.  And then, THEN, we discover that McConaughey has arranged for a crop duster to fly past with a sign saying "Chris Loves Andi" and we are pretty sure that we are going to die because McConaughey is the only person who has been consistently Romantical in this entire season.  They kiss and it is Not Gross. 

Just in case our hearts have any more room, we go to dinner with McConaughey's family and fall in love with all of them too.  Andi is prodding McConaughey to tell the "story" of the plane flying over them, and so she begins:  "And while we were sitting there...."

"You let one go?" says A Family Member to McConaughey.  Ha ha.  And also, hahaha. 

A Sister then reveals that when McConaughey was a little guy "he would only wear underwear on schooldays.  He went commando on the weekends." 

We learn later, during the credits, that the last time McConaughey brought a lady home, all the men wore lipstick to meet her, just to see what McConaughey would do and how the Lady would take it.

We love this family. 

And then, THEN, mom Linda establishes A Place In This Viewer's Heart and Dining Room any Time She Wants It by telling The Prosecutrix, on no uncertain terms, that she can make life work wherever she chooses.  That she grew up in the city and had never even driven a tractor, but when she met McConaughey's father, her heart would just stop.  And so she moved out to the country, and raised a family, and learned how to do all these things.  But that The Prosecutrix needn't feel concerned or tied to that lifestyle because the world is smaller now, and she can do Whatever She Wants.  

Linda. For. President. 

This date ends with a game of Ghosts in the Graveyard played with the family.  Which is completely awesome because we love a family that Makes Their Own Fun.  As McConaughey kisses The Prosecutrix goodbye and "hopes like crazy that she feels the way he does," we hope so to or else We At The BNU are Gonna Cutta Bitch.

Soon, we are at date #3, in Tampa, FL with Everyman.  We are immediately exhausted by his rapidfire monologue about how excited, nay, "Pumped," he is to see her.  And then, the entire BNU staff immediately begin screaming because The Prosecutrix has Exited the Limo and she is wearing.....

"Salmon Booty Shorts of Rage," concludes KMu, after we have all calmed down.  

Everyman takes The Prosecutrix to play baseball, and we immediately get so. SO. tired.  He begins to talk about how it is tough for him to pick up a bat, to be there and play ball, because of all his memories.  And then we hear the same story AGAIN about how he used to be a ball player for five years, beginning at age 17, etc.  And you know, on the one hand, This Viewer gets it.  It is really painful to let go of things that you thought were going to be your life's work but then lost the ability to do.  At the same time, it is not like Everyman *can't* play baseball any more; he chose not to because he didn't like the lifestyle (so he says).  And so at that point, this Viewer wants to say that until Everyman goes from playing baseball to teaching himself how to walk again, he can damn well suck it.   

At any rate, we try to care that Everyman hasn't taken anyone other than his family (and now, The Prosecutrix) to "his field."  And then talks about sports some more.  And then about his brother, Aaron, who is trying out for the NFL draft.  

Off we go to meet Everyman's family, which basically all looks exactly like The Prosecutrix. We become  little freaked out.  They talk about football.  And about the draft.  Super-young-and-fit-looking mom informs The Prosecutrix that she expects Everyman will go to all his brother's football games, wherever they are played.  Super-young-and-fit-looking dad with perfect salt and pepper hair basically says that will be an expectation of The Prosecutrix as well.  The Prosecutrix wonders aloud if Everyman's family understands that if she ends up with him, they will be making their own family too.  Sister Stephanie, the Khloe Kardashian of the group, makes some fairly practical comments about compromise.  And finally, Everyman confesses to mom (wtf is she wearing, by the way, a linen teddy?), that The Prosecutrix is "a real woman in every sense of the word," and mom says confidently that her son is in love.  They end the date playing.... touch football in the back yard. 

Finally, we depart for date #4 in Dallas with Marcus.  We are struck by two things:  (1) dude is driving a mercedes.  Where did that come from? and also (2) The Prosecutrix is worried that she can't "catch up" to where Marcus is in this whole love story.  Uh oh.  And then we forget to keep writing because we realize that Marcus has driven The Prosecutrix to A STRIP CLUB where he is going to give her A PRIVATE SHOW. 

When this Viewer was in college, there was a particular gentleman who, for whatever reason, felt passionately towards this Viewer and for whom we could neither Return His Affection Nor Take Him Seriously.   This Viewer feels at liberty to admit such things only because the shoe has been on the other foot many a time.  In any event, Would-be Swain made many an attempt to woo this Viewer. One of the more unfortunate attempts included Slipping a series of sultry shirtless selfies taken on A Kitty into a pack of otherwise unremarkable photos about his hometown, which he proposed to show This Viewer late one night in the prayer room (This Viewer is Not Making It Up).   This Viewer may have snorted, which we are pretty sure that was not Swain's Goal. 

So this is how we feel about the private strip tease.  May be the start of a lasting passion in a romance novel.  However, in real life, it is an amateur glamor shot sprung on A Lady in the prayer room. Or in this case, an empty STRIP CLUB.  "It's every girl's dream," concludes The Prosecutrix. 

We don't see much of the family time on this date.  Marcus's mom reveals that she is surprised he has opened up to The Prosecutrix, because he is a relatively private person.  We become concerned for him.  And then a little teary because Marcus tells his brother how much he appreciated everything that the brother did to keep the family together after his dad left.  The Prosectrix, for her part, says that life would be a "fairy tale" with Marcus.  And her suitor comments that he has opened up to her "Physically, emotionally, and mentally." 

ABe:  "How do you open yourself up physically?"

KMu:  "Do we really need to have That Talk right now, ABe?"

And just like that, date #4 is over.  But, because we are All That Tacky, ABC decides to film Some Bad News.  As we learned at the beginning of the season, Dora died in a hang gliding accident after filming his episodes of the show.  And so now we get to all watch Chris Harrison call the remaining contestants back to "his house" (more like "his rental house") and break the news.  There are tears, with Everyman and McConaughey sitting stoically on the sofa.  And then the crew set down their cameras (still filming), and everyone hugs it out.  Basically, we learn that (1) this show is filmed by hobbits, and (2) those who are not hobbits, think that leggings are pants.  

The next morning, we apparently have the Rose Ceremony.  The Prosecutrix is wearing a seagreen, full-length tubesock.  She breaks down several times over Dora.  Nick is dressed like he just left a barbershop quartet.  McConaughey is The Hotness.  Everyman is... every man.  And The Prosecutrix picks (after more tears and a reminder from The Harrison that she "doesn't need to be strong for everyone"): 

1.  Everyman.

2. McConaughey.  YEEEEEEEES. 

3.  Nick.  Dammit. 

Marcus leaves in tears.  He wishes that he hadn't told The Prosecutrix that he loved her.  We wish that was  not the lesson he was taking from this experience.  He says that The Prosecutrix was his "Everything."  We whisper to Marcus that he is 25 years old, and that when This Viewer was 25 years old, her Everything was an unemployed actor, followed shortly thereafter by The Guy With the Long Hair Who Came to Fix The High Ropes Course, and that it will all work out in the end.  

Stay tuned for next week, when we all take a trip back to La Republica Dominicana, where this Viewer spent part of college.  

KLo

The Prosecutrix Part 7: In Which The Prosecutrix Kills Kenny

This Viewer is once again in the Big City, where we soundly slept through tornado sirens and also, Epic Rain apparently because our trauma from The Bachelorette was More Profound than Nature.  And now we are wearing pinchy shoes and eating oatmeal out of a mug in an empty office.  Yes, this is how the Magic Happens.

So, we are in Brussels for The Prosecutrix Part 7.  We get excited when we see a sign for the best chain restaurant ever, Exki, in the background.  Babies, Exki does not exist in Les Etas-Unis (as this Viewer's Frenches book says), except one experimental restaurant which recently opened in New York.  We know.  Because we have dreams of opening an Exki, and so we Researched This.  Someday, Exki's magical quinoa salad and also, delicious soups, will make their way to a plate near This Viewer once again.  Until then, We Are Jealous of You New York Readers (all of us).  

ANYWAY, much like a reading comprehension test, we know that our observations and love of Exki is not the point of this exercise.  Rather, The Broadening Horizons of The Prosecutrix are, for she is amazed by:  "The Dutch, The Flemish, The French, the Old Historic Buildings, and also The New Modern Buildings" in Brussels.  In other words, the City. 

So, the Prosecutrix is freaked out by the fact that next week is hometown dates.  Erstwhile, Her Suitors are getting acquainted with their fancity hotel.   Chris Harrison decides to ratchet up the pressure:  "Dudes, there are just six of you.  Only four get roses, so this is a big deal.  Just so you know.  And also, did I mention that two of you leave?  And also, there will be two 1:1 dates and one group date, but only one rose given out, on the group date." 

McConaughey is not worried for he has three older sisters and a mother to be his support system, should Things Go Awry. 

Nick, who we all hate With The Fire Of A Thousand Suns, says he feels "very good about where Andi and I are." We hate him, and also his grammar. 

Date card #1 arrives, and it is for Marcus.  Something about a "taste of Brussels."  We are trying to care about Marcus, but he is wearing a hot pink henley and Nicholas Cage hair with weird facial scruff and also, we don't care.  

"What don't we like about him?" queries ABe across the miles. 

"Everything.  It starts with his facial hair." concludes KMu. 

So Marcus and The Prosecutrix wander around Brussels' Grand Place.  And they take photos of themselves with their mouths open.  And also, they eat chocolate (although, it should be noted, that they do NOT eat the Best Belgian Chocolate Ever, Neuhaus).  And then they try mussels, and also, one of those disgusting tourist waffles filled with chocolate and WHIPPY.  This Viewer throws up.  

One time, in this Viewer's pre-law career as A Camp Employee, the chef was thrilled to find some kind of contraption for making the real whipped cream in mass quantities.  Thereafter, all the little outdoor learning groups would select waffles with whipped cream as their breakfast option every time they would come to camp.  300 children.  Three. Times. A. Week.  This Viewer could not escape the Whippy Whiff of three hundred plates piled high with Putrid Piles of Slowly Melting Whippy, no matter where we looked.  It was like being covered in spiders. And also, waxing.  

All of this to say that This Viewer ... just.  cannot.  Especially when Marcus leaves off from the Whippy long enough to tell The Prosecutrix that he almost left the show "because of the emotions I had for you."  

Our sister, SHa, yuuuuurghs from the sofa. 

But The Prosecutrix thinks this is "romantic!" 

And then they go to dinner.  This Viewer has a seizure because two things have happened at once.  First, The Prosecutrix is wearing A Dress with criss-crosses and inner side boob that we cannot draw:    

 (Attempt One): 

Attempt Two: 

We finally conclude that she has Killed Kenny, and smashed him on her chest: 

Simultaneously, the Prosecutrix takes Marcus (and Kenny) to this Viewer's husband's grandmother's house for dinner.  The last time this happened to This Viewer, We ate canolis with a knife and fork on good china while We looked at Death Cards (people die, they send out a card with dead person's photo and life accomplishments -- this Viewer's card would read:  "KLo:  Blogged 10 Years of the Bachelor, Which She Will Never Get Back") for two hours.  This time, we have to hear about how Marcus feels "comfortable, physically and romantically" (WTF) to talk about his family... including the fact that his father abandoned him and his mother, and also, he was beaten as a child by his mother until she realized the error of her ways and now they are close.   

We are a little scarred by Marcus's admissions.  We are even more scarred when The Prosecutrix says that after a few group dates and this one dinner, she now "knows a lot more about Marcus than about other people in my life."  Aaaaand then they kiss, and it is awkward, and guppy-like.  

"This is why ordinary people should never make a sex tape,"commented SHa to This Viewer on the train this morning.  "If a full camera crew and makeup can't make them look good....."

Back at the ranch, Marcus has returned home from his date as Date Card #2 has come, for Everyman.  "Let's Ghent it On."     Sigh.   "I'm not going to complain about this!  Let's get it on!!" says E-Man, because he is uncreative and also, has taken his chiseled chest out to show everyone. 

 Nick decides to take matters into his own hands, as he has not gotten the date card.  So, he tells everyone he's going to bed, and then stalks out to find The Prosecutrix: 

"Tell me about the lambs, Andiiiiii," says KMu.  

"And don't lie, because I'll know."

It is at this point that we become enraged, for Nick has gone down to the front desk, lied to the lady working there about forgetting his room key, and said that the room is under his wife's name, Andi Dorfman, thereby obtaining a new key.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is how women get raped. We hate Nick for thinking this is clever.  We are mad at the desk lady for giving him a key.  We are furious with ABC for filming this at all, thereby implicitly endorsing things that make All Women Everywhere Feel Less Safe.  God knows, if the Supreme Court isn't going to help the women, we better damn well band together to Help Ourselves. 

Rage. 

So after Nick has forever destroyed all the small shreds of peace this Viewer was previously extending to him, he swoops in on The Prosecutrix at her hotel room and whisks her off for a walk around town.  She is now wearing pants, and a "superflous scarf," says KMu.  Nick is all "amazed by his feelings."  And is asking himself, out loud, about whether he will marry her.  They share a creepy kiss over a cafe table. 

"What the F*ck was that?" asks SHa's husband, EGu, looking up from work in time to see Nick make his move. 

And off we go to Ghent for date #2.  The Prosecutrix is wearing yet another scarf. 

"Season of superfluous scarfs," concludes KMu. 

But we are concerned because The Prosecutrix is giving a history lesson.  "Ghent is so beautiful.  It's like, one of the only places that didn't get burned down in World War II...."

"It's crazy, you don't see things like this in the United States!" says Everyman.

"Maybe that's because YOU ARE IN EUROPE, I mean COME ON," says ABe. 

This date is very important to The Prosecutrix, because Everyman has not yet shared his feelings.  So she takes him to church to light candles.  And also, to a castle for dinner. 

"Wow, she wore clothes," says SHa.  "She must really like him." 

As Everyman and The Prosecutrix sit down for dinner, we can't but help notice a fine backdrop of Ye Olde Kitty, upon which they sit.  Oh!   He confesses the difficulty of seeing her go on other dates!  Oh! He says he is falling in love with her!  Oh, she worries if this is "too good to be true!" We are super-annoyed.  And also, bored.  But suddenly, they are kissing. 

"Where are his hands?" wonders SHa.  "We need a show of hands!!"

And then we see at least one of them, caressing The Prosecutrix's knee through her pleather pants.  This Viewer would have dissolved into a fit of giggles, but Not The Prosecutrix.  Oh no, for she pulls Everyman into the stage wing, also known as the corner of the castle, whereby she kisses him in the mist and romantical blue lit dimness, as they hold hands to run off and dance ("in an elder hostel crowd," says KMu) to the smooth song stylings of a misplaced folk duo singing: 

Love is a feather. 

Love is a war. 

In the words of the Immortal Pat Benatar, Love is also A Battlefield.  

  

Off we go to the group date, for which the card reads "This love is sacred." The date is for Nick, Brian, Dylan The Unclean, and McConaughey.  Nick is sure to tell everyone that he is excited never to have to go on another group date again after today.  We are equally excited because this season is rapidly Testing This Viewer's Will To Write, and so every group date down is Another Date Towards Sleeping in On Tuesday Mornings for This Viewer. 

As the men meet The Prosecutrix in "the countryside of Belgium," this Viewer starts laughing.  Lo, for her husband is from That Countryside, and it does not look like the giant ruin of a castle  upon which the group is standing.   We start looking around for what should be the giant pile of sugar beets somewhere in the background, and also, a few cows. 

Dylan the Unclean is amazed by The Country: "Wow, these RUINS really stood the test of time.  I hope that Andi and I's relationship does just like these RUINS."

This Viewer falls off the sofa.   Yes, yes, we all hope your love can stand the test of time just like ruins, Dylan.

The group go to explore the area on "railbikes," which is some sort of weird four bicycle contraption with a seat in the middle for Andi.  Nick is wearing a tablecloth shirt, hipster jeans, a leather jacket, and that damn starving actor scarf.  And he is brooding again about his relationship with The Prosecutrix.

"What do you expect from a dude in an infinity scarf," observes PMu, across the miles. 

True. 

And then it gets worse, for the group decides to play a "rhyming game" to pass the time.  

Nick: "OMG, look at these trees!"

Brian:  "I hope I don't have fleas."

Andi:  "I wish you would hurry up please.'

Someone:  "I wish I had car keys."

We start to cry.

Surprise, The Prosecutrix takes them to a monastery, which is completely gorgeous, except (crisis) there can be no kissing betwixt its walls.  Says The Prosecutrix:  "This is a working monastery.  These monks study religion, and theology, and history...."

"And also, brew beer," whispers This Viewer. 

SHa, more charitable than This Viewer, comments that this would actually be a very pretty setting for romance, if there were any on this show. 

Fortunately, McConaughey to the rescue.  The Prosecutrix whisks him away to an abandoned pottery studio on the grounds, whereby they re-enact scenes from ghost.  Whoooooaaaaa, my darling, I hunger. for. your. touch.

The rest of this date is too boring to recount, so we shall summarize:  Nick is over-confident and knows he is going to get the rose.  Brian tells Andi that he has never told anyone that he loves them and now he is telling her (oh dear, Certain Death for Brian).  Dylan can't wait for The Prosecutrix to meet his mother.  Nick, again, says that if anyone else gets the rose but him, he will just leave.  

And he gets the rose.  DAMMIT.  He says getting the rose is like The Prosecutrix just told him she loves him. Worse still, the other men have to leave now, and Nick gets to continue the date.  The others are broken.  We feel broken, but also interested in the dress which The Prosecutrix has now changed into for dinner.

"I feel that Michael Jackson wore that once... or twice," says SHa. 

Nick is back in his infinity scarf, and is now asking her what she prefers:  PB or jelly (PB), Hot or Cold (hot), waffles or pancakes (pancakes), Big or small (we have no words).  And also, he informs her that he will be harder on his daughter than on his son, if they were to have children. cough*justliketheSupremeCourt*siderage*cough.   

The date ends in a fireworks display. 

Nick feels that The Prosecutrix is his "better half."  

The Prosecutrix feels that "Nick sees me, every part of me." 

"That's because your dress is cut down to The Netherlands," says SHa. 

So blah blah there is A LOT of rage that the men feel towards Nick, so we all must endure at least 15 minutes in which the other men attack him for being a schemer and strategist instead of "trying to fall in love like the rest of us," concludes McConaughey.  They are, apparently, horrified also because Nick watched all of the seasons of this show before coming on it.  We cannot throw stones. 

At last the rose ceremony is upon us, and we gasp when we see The Prosecutrix for Liza Minelli has called and she Wants Her Dress Back.  Blah Blah McConaughey is sweet, Dylan The Unclean says he's stoked because if he proceeds to the next round, it means she can "legit" see him proposing to her (he is so dead), Nick steals The Prosecutrix away from Brian during 1:1 time (jerk), and then McConaughey steals her AGAIN for a big romantic kiss outside. 

"You go Farmer!," says The Prosecutrix, For All Of Us. 

And at last, to join Nick with roses, The Prosecutrix picks: 

1.  Everyman. 

2.  Marcus, aaaaand

3. McConaughey

Dylan the Unclean and Brian go home.  We feel bad for Brian, who says that if The Prosecutrix does not end up with the man she deserves, he will be furious.  We hope Dylan washes his hands.  

Stay tuned for next week, which are the Home Dates. 

KLo