AriE Part 4: Flawless

So apparently Ari has an “e” in his name.  AriE.  We would know these things if we were not watching with one eyeball but sorry Gentle Readers, we are.   But let’s all forget about spelling because we’re beginning our Around The World trippage in the exotic, the multicultural . . .Lake Tahoe, Nevada.  

But first we have to hear Coach Krystal talk about how she is, like, “really proud of AriE for sending Lauren homephweeee because he’s a man who knows what he wantsphfweeee! And a lot of these women are living in a false reality and can’t see what he wants, so I will be that voice of reason and realityphfwweeee.”

Jesus Mary and Joseph.

But Chris Harrison has told us to pack our bags and so pack we must.  AriEphfweeee is super excited to be out in nature (as he overlooks a golf course).  Equally excited is Kendall, who probably wants to kill all of the nature and put it up on her wall.

The first date card is for Sienne: “Let’s let our love soar.”  Almost immediately, AriE shows up and whisks her away in a giant truck with giant wheels.

This Author once worked In The Wilds of Michigan.  Our first week on the job, we were Assigned A Mission to obtain worms from the local video store/pizza place/tanning bed/bait shop.  Babies, we had to take the truck.  A type of vehicle which this Author had never before driven in her then 22 years and also, which was A Little Finicky and ALSO which This Author could not touch the pedals of without sitting on two phone books.  Of course, we got completely lost, asked all sorts of people on a peninsula how to get off the peninsula (like there were so many choices), never found the worms, and were relegated to “Last Resort After the 85 Year Old Volunteer With the Fanny Pack” for truck usage thereafter.   It was a Trying Time.

But Sienne does not seem so phased. AriE drives that terrifying truck to the water, floats Sienne up in the air with a parasail as Sienne makes sixth grade girl analogies like “our relationship is like parasailing” and we love her but GURL. 

By contrast, we do not love Coach Krystal:  “Sooooo, Sienne is going on a date today, which means she’s probably going home and that makes me happyfweeeeee.”

Basically, this date is Sienne being way too good and cerebral for AriE.  She asks if he invited her because he liked her or because she was Toast, and he claims the former.  She describes watching her parents go through a difficult time in their marriage, observes that there are not that many love stories told about black and brown people in the U.S., and wonders if this is someone else’s (read:  a white person’s) fairy tale, rather than hers.  You are too good for this show, Sienne.  AriE asks zero questions of her but answers all of hers, we nearly see his plumber’s crack when they kiss, and he gives her the rose.  

This date ends with some dancing to that song by some band named Lanco – you know, the song that sounds like a bunch of other songs by Kid Rock though not being by Kid Rock.  Meh.

Back at the Lady House Ranch, Maquillage has gotten a phone call.  Lo, it is her mother, who has told Maquillage that her grandfather has died.  Maquillage is heartbroken and immediately packs up to leave (good girl).  But, because this seems important, I’m going to one thing:  Maquillage is 23 years old.  So, let’s just put a pin in that one for a tick.

As Maquillage is making a hasty exit, a knock on the door comes.  Lo, it is a group date for everyone except Young Becca.  We think this means Mother, Coach Krystal, Caroline, Marikh, Ashley the POC They Never Let Talk, Jacqueline, Twitter, Tia, Kendall, Orange Lauren, and Brittany but we aren’t really sure because there are Still Too Many and Women Appear to Keep Showing Up.  “Will our Love Survive?” asks the Card. 

We are pretty sure it won’t.  But Young B is over the moon excited because this means she gets the 1:1.  Coach Krystal is pouty:  “I’m not sure why Young B got the 1:1 because there is 14 year age difference and she is definitely searching for an identity still.” 

This Author thinks Young Becca knows more about herself than Coach Krystal and also, most of the women there.  Further, we would just like to note that there are many, many women In The Running between the age of 22 and 25 and we are not quite sure why an 11 year age difference is less material than a 14 year age difference at this particular Stage Of Life.  But Whatever.

Off we go to the group date.  Which is a hike towards a Retired Green Beret And His Wife Ruth. 
Ruth:  “It can seem like its very romantic to be with your man in the woods, but there are a lot of black bears out here.”

Babies, this Tiny Hiker loves us a wilderness vacation.  But sometimes, on such vacations, it is possible to find oneself hiking 14 miles with one’s husband in 95 degree shadeless heat through a sea of shoulder-high wild raspberries and steamy pile after steamy pile of fresh bear dookies.  Hypothetically.  And in such situations one *Might* continuously sing “76 TROMBONES LED THE BIG PARADE . . . YIP YIP YIPYIP [clap clap clap clap]” for all 14 miles, leading to a bruising of hands and a hoarsening of voice.  Again, hypothetically.

But the ladies encounter no such poops that we know of.  Instead, The Beret makes them pee in jugs and nearly attempt to drink their own urine.  “Ha ha it’s APPLEJUICE,” says AriE, which is almost exactly like eating chocolate pudding out of a diaper at a baby shower and we are not amused.   

“Gandhi used to drink his own pee but yeah, I’m not Gandhi,” says Marikh.

This Author does not tell Marikh that her nickname through high school was Gandhi.  Not because we were wise or drank our own pee, but mainly because we were an emaciated ballet dancer in a sheet and thick glasses hiking a sand dune one day and our friend LGi rightfully noted A Comparison. 

So they eat worms, and then maggots and various other bugs, and Kendall is loving every minute of it as the other women dry heave.  Coach Krystal is becoming brittle(r):  “There’s 12 of us, but none of them are compatible with AriEphweeee except meeeeee.  He knows what I have to offer and that I am secure.” 

We grow tired, but then perk up again when the Green Beret gives them all hiking packs, maps, and compasses, and tells the women to split into two groups and find their way to shelter. 

This is not dissimilar to the one time This Author, Her Husband, an In Law Siblings nearly died hiking up and then down a mountain, followed by fording a bazillion rivers in our car, followed by nearly running out of gas, followed by driving straight into a swamp beside a lava field at 11 pm at night, causing Marital Strife Among Everyone Involved and also, Losing Our Front License Plate. 

 We love vacations In The Wilds. 

So we are Vaguely Amused as we watch AriE solicitously help each woman in his group over a tiny log.   Coach Krystal, who could probably snap AriE’s neck between her thighs, lays it on thick:  “Oh thank you, so stroooongpfweeeeee!!” she breathes and we hate her.

As for the AriE-less group, Caroline sums it up:  “Yeah, I wouldn’t call us the Dream Team at this point.”  Duly noted, as Twitter plays with rocks, Marikh checks her hair in the compass, and others are trying to scale right up a huge rock.

Eventually everyone gets to “The Oasis,” which is basically a couple big hot tubs.  AriE makes the mistake of putting his arm around Coach Krystal, which then spurs Caroline to jokingly put her arm around Tia, creating An Affront to Coach Krystal Which We Will Not Hear Enough About for the remainder of this episode.

Coach Krystal:  “Like, I’m in the hot tub with like, AriEphwee and Tia and Caroline are like, making fun of me and it’s like, makie AriE feel uncomfortablepfweeeee.  It’s just so juvenile.”
CK again:  “It’s just, like, so juvenilepfweeee.”
CK AGAIN, in her only Moment of Truth:  “I feel like I’m at a high school camp and everyone wants the counselor.  And I’m almost 30.”  Yep.

At dinner, Coach Krystal has killed, skinned and is now wearing Grizabella from Cats:

And she is still talking about the hot tub:  “It was just so exhausting to watch.  I just hope that AriE sees through the bullshitphfwweeee.”

Also this:  “I need to talk to AriE.  I just don’t know what I’m going to say. But, I have feeling that whatever I do is going to be PERFECT.”

STABBY.  StabbystabbySTABBY.

AriE takes off with Orange Lauren, who is 25 YEARS OLD SO LET’S NOT THROW STONES AT YOUNG B [ahem].  ArIE and Orange Lauren have a very mature conversation:

OL:  “What are you looking for?”
AriE:  “An independent woman.” 
OL:  “Yeah, I want to have the kind of relationship that when we are super old and gross looking, we are still spanking each other’s butts and telling dirty jokes.”
AriE:  “I’d like that.”
AriE [to the camera]: “I’m very attracted to Orange Lauren.”

Blah Blah 1:1 happens with Kendall, who tries to be endearing but is only slightly creepy about her taxidermied duckling, which she apparently takes with her on trips.  His name is “Ping.”   This is not dissimilar to our Niecelet, who received Farmer Barbie for Christmas and promptly named the Bonus Chicken that comes with said Barbie by the name “Hei Hei.”  However, said Niecelet is six.   

But ooooo, the group date rose has made its appearance and now everyone is A-twitter.

Marikh:  “Oh, Kendall, I think you are going to get the rose.”
Kendall: “I’ve genuinely had so much fu. . . “
Coach Krystal (making friends):  “I FELT challenged being in such a LARGE group date.  Because, as you all know, I had the FIRST 1:1 date and then the last group date was only 8 people.”

We hate her. 

Coach Krystal, unphased by our hatred seething though the computer screen: “These girls are just being obnoxiously overbearing with their need to be seenphweeeee. It just brings you back to a juvenile state.  They don’t have a sense of self.”

But the hits keep on coming in 1:1 time between Coach Krystal and AriE:
AriE:  “How YOU doin?”
Coach Krystal:

“I feel like, a mix of emotions.  Like, I’m really happy, being herephfweeee.  And I’m so excited about our connection, but at the same timeeeeee, I feel like a target has been on my back since I got that 1:1 . . . .  “It just weighs on mephfweeeee.  I just feel like, . . . ostracized.”
AriE:  “What’s going on?” 
CK:  “Well, since you put YOUR ARM AROUND ME IN THE HOT TUB, and like, Tia and Caroline… . I just think they feel threatened.”
AriE:   “Well, of course, it’s because you are beautiful.”
Her: “Mmm-hmmmm

CK again: “I just really believe in coming from a place of love, and like, pouring that into people and that’s why it hurts that this is happening and I’m just so emotional ohmygodisTiaapproachingus?AriEsend heraway.”

AND HE DOES.

This author is screaming. 

Coach Krystal to the camera: “I don’t know how I’m going to get through . . . the elimination of all these women.”  

So now she’s taken Tia and Caroline aside and expressing how she feels that Caroline putting her arm around Tia was “an attack on me” and that it was “so hard” for her “after getting that first 1:1.”  Tia warns her not to try to play “a victim” with her and we all cheer.  And then we cheer harder when Tia tells her, “really dude? When people are doing better than you, you just break down.”  And then we STAND UP FOR A VICTORY LAP as Tia walks away.

Tia, for all of the wins.  And also, she gets the group date rose.

Thank the merciful heavens for Young B, who gets the last date:  “I’m looking for a stable relationship,” says the Card.  Yes, it is horseback riding.

We are delighted for this date, but ABC doesn’t let us off without one last Word of Wisdom from Coach Krystal, who we see telling Mother and Marikh:  “I’m really proud of overcoming all those challenges from yesterday.  I mean, it’s really a challenge to show AriE who I am, while also not being intimidating to the other girls.  Because I come across as FLAWLESS.”

Thank god for Young B, who, despite being wrapped in a kitty, is basically fantastic.  She acknowledges the physical connection between them but also has a lively mind and likes “where our conversations go.” They ride off to a hot tub, she concludes that she genuinely likes him as a person, and off they go to dinner, when . . . .she reveals her age.

We see the brakes go off in AriE’s head.  And it is terrible because, despite her age,Young B is behaving with far more grace and maturity than most of the other women here.   AriE is immediately concerned that Young B is not ready to be married (globally in life), because he wasn’t ready at 22.  And actually, this is a very real conversation full of real emotion and we are a bit taken aback because it is, after all, happening on The Bachelor.

AriE:  “Well if at ANY POINT you feel like you just aren’t ready, you need to tell me.”
Young B:  “Stop looking to me to give you some kind of assurance, because you don’t get that in love.  And trust me, I want it too.  But that is not something we are going to get.”
AriE: “But I am SO ready to be married.”
Young B:  “Ok, then dump me and just go after the ones you think are a sure thing.”

He declines, gives her the rose, but decides to protect his heart from her on a go-forward basis because of her age.  We are glad, but also a little worried because Young B is way more awesome than these other ladies and for the love of god, if this dude can’t see it. 

And one hard edit later, we are at the rose ceremony.  Twitter, who we think is a little drunk, is once again “very excited.”  Coach Krystal is anxious, because she feels her “character was attacked.”  Oh right, because Caroline put her arm around Tia in the hot tub and we cannot believe this is happening.  As she takes it out on the other women by giving some random speech, Kendall, for all of us, speaks the truth of our hearts: “I feel like she is saying things that someone told her to say or that she read in a book, rather than something from the heart.”

BUT WAIT, for Chris Harrison has announced that AriE is certain in his mind as to who will go home, and so there is no need for a rose ceremony this evening.  Oooooo. 

As AriE steps forward to begin handing out roses, Coach Krystal asks to “borrow him for a second.”
“Oh Lord Have Mercy” says one woman (For All Of Us) and they all sit down on the stairs.

After Coach Krystal whispers to AriE that she wanted him to know “(1) she feels a connection with him, (2) she is not here to play games, and (3) she respects his decisions,” we are ready to proceed.

AriE picks, to join Sienne, Tia, and Young B with roses:  

1. Orange Lauren

2. Kendall

3. Ashley, the POC that never gets to talk

4. Other Bekah

5. Mother

6. Twitter (really?)

7. Jacqueline

8. Marikh

9.  Coach Krystal.  “Just as I predicted, AriE picked me,” she says.

NOOOO. Caroline and Brittney go home, both of whom are very classy about it.

Stay tuned for next week a/k/a Monday, when Coach Krystal tells us that she has been drinking all day.  What could possibly go wrong.

-KLo

Ari Part 3: Sunny Is All Of Us

Like Farrah Fawcett, we are “emotionally and physically drained.”  Mainly from Work Items and making chili AND yogurt AND emergency beans this weekend, but also because Coach Krystal is telling us that she wants to be “more aggressivepfwweeee” and we hate her.

Lo, for it is the morning after the last rose ceremony and Chris Harrison has made his solitary two minute appearance to announce the next date.  It’s a group date for Maquillage, Jacqueline, Lauren B (the one who is a little orange), Tia from Arkansas, Marikh, Young Becca, Bibiana, and Coach Krystal.  “It’s all about the ring,” says the card.  

Tia, for All of Us:  “I just got the shit beat out of me on a group date, so I’m hoping that doesn’t happen to me again.” 

Jacqueline, for This Author Specifically:  “I am not athletic, AT. ALL. So I want to make a good impression on Ari, but I am going to get my ass kicked today.”

As the ladies stream out of their bus in leggings that are not pants, we learn that they are going to be doing GLOB, a/ka/ the Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor.  NOOOOOOO.  We love GLOW.  This is a terrible tragedy of a knock off.  And also, what is happening with these terrifying Very Former Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling who have come to teach wrestling moves to the women?  We meet “The Farmer’s Daughter” and “Little Egypt,” both of whom are (a) on the shady side of 50, but (b) undeterred, have squeezed into their former costumes, and (c) are pretty much verbally abusive. 

As Little Egypt tells Bibiana that she is “pathetic” and insults her mother, Bibiana sticks up for herself because That Shit Is Not Okay.  But both Bibiana and Tia end up crying in the corner because mean people suck and also ABC, That Is Not Good Television.   

Our friend ETu has a colleague who keeps a little post-it note on her computer monitor.  The note says “try to be kinder every day,” which makes a lot of sense because she works with children.  So we think about that little post-it note, and also about Little Egypt.  But then we think about how each of us probably surrounds ourselves with the reminders we most urgently need for our places of work.  

Which brings us to the Items Taped to This Author’s Computer Monitor:  

A.  An old chocolate wrapper that says “Wing It,” and

B.  A quote by William Gibson: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

So . . .Yeah.

Tia declares that she is “willing to fight for Ari’s heart, but not the way these women want me to” and we feel a teeny kernel of pride.  Could this be a baby movement of drawing boundaries on the bachelor?  We cautiously take out our pussy hat in solidarity . . . . and then put it away when we see the alter egos the women are working with:

Coach Krystal = the cougar. Tia = southern bell.  Tia = bridezilla (in an alligator head and tutu).  Young B is a kitten *with a whip.*  Also, someone is a lunch lady.   

At any rate, after Pretty Boy Pit Bull Kenny from last season shows up and crushes Ari (“The worst scenario is that he kills me.”), there are a series of violent wrestling battles between the women and one very uncomfortable Sensual Liturgical Dance between Marikh and, we think, Jacqueline?

“Omg, this is so weirdly sexual,” says Young B, for All Of Us.

Off we go to the afterparty at an airstream camp.  Yes, a camp.  Full of airstream trailers.  But remarkably, that is not the main thing about this date.  The main thing is that Coach Krystal is wearing a leotard, Not Ironically.

We feel stabby as Coach Krystal enjoys some 1:1 time with Ari:

Ari (sitting down):  “This is cool.”

CK: “Pfweee yeahhhhh I like thissssspfwwwee.”

Ari:  “You are damn sexy today.  It’s really hard to have you in a room with other women.  I have to check myself a little bit.”

CK: (whispering to Ari):  “What should I do on these group dates?  Be aggressive or kick back?  Because (big huge eyes)  . . .“I don’t want to get lost.”

This Author:  *RAGE* And also *VOMITS*

Unfortunately, Bibiana decides to take things into her own hands and pulls Ari aside for some 1:1 time, which she devotes to complaining about Coach Krystal.   In that very moment, we know Bibiana is toast.

Meanwhile, Coach Krystal has returned to the other women, in stylus interruptus:

Young B: “Has anyone ever watched WWE wrestling?  It’s just a bu. . . “
CK:  “Hieeeeeeeyyyy.  I’m just going to slide on in here . . . “
Young B: “A bunch of women totally . . .“
CK:  “Has anyone not had time with Ariiiiiipfwweeee? Because my time was reallyyyyy awesome and unique and I just want to make sure that all the girls have their time and aren’t fighting for it.”
Young B’s face:  [“the F*?”]

This is basically torture.  So, we shall summarize.  While Coach Krystal is continuing to make friends, Ari has taken Tia to the roll-out bed at the back of the airstream and saying things like “if you feel weak, I can be there for you.  That makes me feel like a man.” And she’s all “I’m very very glad you were there to comfort me” when Little Egypt was being mean.   We like Tia, but COME ON. 

More interesting is Young B, who reveals during her 1:1 time that her longest relationship was 2.5-3 years, he broke it off, and she was devastated until she felt better when she realized that a burden had been lifted and then suddenly she is STRADDLING ARI AND WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Young B gets the rose on this date.

The next day, Coach Krystal is explaining to Marikh, as they lounge poolside, that not getting the rose is really just one of many crosses she has had to bear: “I get hated on by girls.  Like, when I was in the Eighth grade my friend’s boyfriend broke up with her to be with me and it was just so uncool when she said that she would never bring another boy around me!  I feel like I’ve had to be so strong and be a provider and work so many hours. I feel like Ari and I know what we want, which is to end up together and this is just a process that has to be done.” 

We are relieved for the next date card to arrive, if only to get away from Coach Krystal.  The card, which says “You had me at Merlot,” is for Farrah Fawcett.   “I think it has to do with wine!!!” she says excitedly.

Ari is excited about Farrah Fawcett because she is “beautiful, mature, and has a great job.  This is what I’m looking for in a future wife.”  Okay, [sidebar]:  One thing this Author will say in Ari’s favor is while he has kept a lot of crazies . . . mainly because most of them are crazies . . . he is also keeping a surprising number of the more competent women in the group. 

Farrah Fawcett, unfortunately, does not shine.  This date is basically about walking around a vineyard and talking, which sounds pretty nice.   We also become weirdly endeared to Ari when he says that in the last five years he’s started going to bed earlier and wearing cardigans.  Hahaha, Truth. 

But Farrah Fawcett is not doing well.   First, she says she hasn’t “been romantic in so long, I forget how!”  And then she decides that feeling romantic is “fun!” but “also makes me feel nervous.”  And then it happens:

Ari:  “So, what was your path to here?”
Farrah:  “I was always a relationship girl.  I had a long term close relationship and we lived together and then we grew apart because I went on this work trip and got to thinking and also I have an amazing family which I want to tell you about but not yet but like my mom and dad are amazing and my friends are amazing but the relationship piece is what is missing also when I was in my senior year of college my mom had this weird eye infection and that’s why music is such a huge part of my life.”

Ok, so this Author wants to disparage Farrah Fawcett for . . . whatever just happened there . . . except that Farrah’s soliloquy is basically this blog so we’re going to be quiet.

 Farrah:  “It would be great to give me the rose, but I wouldn’t give it to me at this point. “
Ari:  “Yeah, . . . I can’t give you this rose because I just don’t . .. I don’t even know.”

Back at the Lady House, the women are shocked to see Farrah’s luggage rolled away.  As Caroline sobs because Farrah was her friend, Krystal is all:

She then lectures the other women about how Time Is Precious, prompting Caroline to Flee The Scene and mutter “stop being so condescending just because you met his dog” into a sympathetic shoulder in the hallway.

Thankfully, the third date card came, for:  Other Becca, Brittany, Twitter, Caroline, Mom, and Annaleise.  “Love is Ruff” it says.

As the women grow excited because it “must have something to do with dogs,” Annaleise of Last Week’s Bumper Car Trauma is worried.  Lo, for her palms have gone sweaty because  . . . (wait for it) . . . she had a Traumatic Experience With A Dog when she was a child. 

Babies, in the words of Annaleise, and as interpreted by ABC: 

“I was staying at my grandparents’ house because my parents were out of the country.”

 “My grandparents had this neighbor with a really old dog named Sunny. I was playing with Sunny.”

  

“But Sunny didn’t like me, so he bit me.”

“I nearly lost an eye.”

We just don’t have any words for this.  

Moreover, the whole of the date is One Big Fat Nothing.  The women spend the afternoon in the park learning how to work with trained dogs and then put on ridiculous costumes and do a show with the dogs for random people.  The dogs don’t behave.  Children in the front row of the show wander on stage.  Basically, as far as we can tell this whole date was an excuse for Ari to have some time with his dog, Bashor.

The second half of this date is not much more interesting.  Ari takes the women to an old bank/now bar.  The Mom lays it on thick during 1:1 time:  “It was tough being with dogs in a playground setting and then having the whole first row be children [because as you know, I Am A Mother].”  And also, “I’m here to discovery myself through someone else.”

What?

So blah blah, Other Becca and Caroline have some marginally better 1:1 time, during which Annaleise basically has a conniption about needing more time while not actually doing anything about it.  And in the end, The Mom gets the rose. 

So merciful god, we are now at the rose ceremony, marking the end of this boring journey for the day.  The big story here is that Bibiana has set up a bed for stargazing outside, which Ari stumbles on with Orange Lauren.  It promptly becomes a casting couch as Ari brings woman after woman back for private time while poor Bibiana is shooed away.

“The Struggle is Real,” she says.  

 The most interesting pre-makeout conversation is between Ari and Young B.  After Ari declares that he feels a little unsafe around her, she says “you know why?  Because I AM unsafe.  Because I don’t need you.  You say that you have generally dated people who need you more than you need them, but I don’t need you to complete me.  I bet that’s why you like moms too.”   Ari is stunned into silence.  

BOOM.

The rest of the night is drinking moonshine with Tia (her:  “Are you sweating?  ‘Cause I don’t have much on and I’m sweating.”)  And also, not just one, but TWO very awkward approaches by Annaleise.  As we pull the strings of our sweatshirt closed around us, Annaleise hauls Ari upstairs to beg for a kiss (he declines because “we’re not there yet”).  Then there is a brief interlude where Twitter is straddling Ari as we all scream.  And THEN Annaleise comes back again.

Other women:  “Get it girl!”

Still other women (and this author):  “I literally can’t watch this."

Aaaaaaaand . .. Ari dumps Annaleise because it just ain’t happening.  As she sobs, the rose ceremony begins.  Joining Young B and the Mom with roses for the next week will be:

1. Caroline

2. Taxidermy Kendall

3. Ashley the POC that they never let talk

4. Orange Lauren

5. Brittney 

6. Other Becca

7.  Sienne.  We love her.  Yay, Sienne.

8. Coach Krystal.  Noooooooo.

9.  Tia.

10.  Maquillage.

11. Twitter.

12. Jacqueline.  Yay!!!

13.  Marikh

Bibiana goes home in tears.

Stay tuned for Monday, which this Author will timely blog at a sedate pace many days later.

-KLo

Ari Part 2: Pizza Hut

Well Gentle Readers, it’s looking like The Weekend BNU Is Going to Be a “Thing” from here on out.  Further, as Ari expresses concern as to how he can possibly narrow down this smorgasbord of teeth and leg before him, ABC shows us a Bird of Prey and we conclude that sounds about right.

But wait – there’s more.  Lo, for the sun is up, and so the day drinking has begun.  As the women toast “cheers to falling in love you guys!!” and also, to Our Hero’s “hypnotic eyes,” Ari is getting on a motorcycle to drive and now there is screaming and Chris Harrison is introducing the first date card. Mother Chelsea, in some kind of tablecloth cut down to her navel, tells the camera that she can’t “wait” to tell him the reason he thinks she is “mysterious.” 

Mother Chelsea is about as mysterious as a cold sore.   News flash:  Lipstick it up and it’s still janky underneath. 

Anyhow, the card reads:  “Hold Tight. . .. Ari.”  And it is for Bekah.  We get excited until we realize it is not Young Bekah, and then spend the next few minutes trying to remember who Other Bekah is.  Right.  The one that looks like Michelle Shocked. 

Crisis.  We love Michelle Shocked with the Fire of a Thousand Suns.  We don’t know if we can name a contestant after her, as that would be A Sacred Honor Not Befitting This Show. 

So anyway, Counterfeit Michelle Shocked confesses to Ari that she has never been on a motorcycle before.  This causes him to zip up her jacket and put her helmet on for her because apparently, she also cannot do those things.  Then they zoom off.  “We’re not in Kansas anymore,” CMS says in an “I’m game for anything! Look how relaxed and hip I am!” kind of way and we feel a little sad for her.

Back at the house, we see Mother Chelsea’s whole outfit.  It is not a tablecloth.  It is a jumper MADE of tablecloth.  This outfit needs to be taken out back and shot.  But Mother Chelsea is really longing to be on a motorcycle because she misses all the *touch* that occurs when one is riding with one’s beloved.  This is not dissimilar to the Terrible Romance This Author Read in Law School, which featured A Scene of Passion on the back of a motorcycle going through a car wash.  

Don’t overthink it.

Coach Krystal adds some color commentary:  “My dad was in a really bad motorcycle accident.  And I’ve seen a lot of people killed, injured, and who have lost body parts because of motorcycles.  So if I were on that date, I’d take Ari aside and explain that to him before I got on.”

Crickets.

And also, HAHAHHHAHAHA.

Mystery POC for the win:  “Well . . . it’s good that you aren’t on the date, then.”

The rest of this date is like Pretty Woman.  Ari takes CMS to a fancy house with lobster and champagne and also, Rachel Zoe who is wearing sequins and provides a series of outfits involving an equal number of sequins for CMS to try on.  Her favorite dress is one that looks like cheap beads of mercury.  

On bended knee, Ari opens a chest of pirate treasure.  Damn, no, it is just some Louboutins.  CMS appropriately squeals and soon they are sitting by the water, discussing how when Ari first met CMS, he knew “it would be cool to spoil” her.  REALLY?  Right, because she “reminds him of him.” 

As this meaningful conversation progresses, a beefy guy stalks up with a briefcase and says:  “Neil Lane sends his regards.”  We get a little interested as the suitcase clicks open, hoping that Neil has finally Lost All of His Shits and sent along a Weapon To Be Assembled but no, it is just some earrings.  Ari puts them on CMS.

CMS, feeling special:   “Have you done this before?”
Ari:  “Yes.”
CMS:  “Oh.’
Ari: “For my mom.”

Kissing ensues, followed by CMS returning to the Lady House with bags and bags of things because Ari gifted unto her every single dress she tried on, in addition to the mercury bead situation.  Bibiana, A Greek Chorus giving voice to the innermost thoughts of most women there, says: “She looks so happy.  And I know material things don’t mean a thing, but those shoes were so pretty.”

Back on the date, Ari gives CMS a diamond necklace and tells her that “aside from racing, I do a lot of automotive stuff.” 
“Yeah, I was told you could fix my breaks,” says CMS.

“But I also do real estate.  And you made my heart smile when you got out of the limo.” Responds Ari.

So CMS reveals that her most serious relationship last 7 years and got her through her dad dying of brain cancer.  That is horrible, but also, she is 27 so do the math.  This date ends with a shower of confetti as CMS gets the rose and they kiss, which is not gross.  Meh.  CMS is nice enough, but clearly uncomfortable and trying too hard to look cool.

Back at Lady House, the next date card has come.  It is for Coach Krystal.  “Home Is Where The Heart Is.”

Coach Krystal is all [breathless whoopee cushion pfweeeeee]: “I feel so lucky and excited but I don’t want to gloat in front of the other girls.

Other girls Be Like:

One hard edit later and Coach Krystal is sashaying out from around the corner, dressed up in a reverse dickey for her date.  Like a magazine model, she flashes a smile at the camera and we hate her.

Ari is taking Coach Krystal to the airport.  As she exits the limo onto the red carpet rolled up to a waiting plane, she’s all:  [Pfweeeeee] “Hiiiiiii.”
Ari:  “I am taking you to Scottsdale to see how my life is.”
Coach Krystal:  [Pfweeeeeeee] “eee!!”  “Oh my goooooossssh.!”  “I’m so smitten. Smitten as a kittenpfwweeeeee.”

That’s a tired line, Coach Krystal.
We start to wonder exactly how stupid she is.

Ari: “I picked you for this date because you are so comforting.”

We start to wonder exactly how stupid HE is.

Anyway, we see Scottsdale, AZ, including the pizza hut where Ari worked when he was 16, the willow trees under which he had his first kiss, and his high school.  We also see his house.

When This Author was only two years younger than Our Hero, our living room possessed a sum total of the following furniture:  (a) a broken papasan chair, (b) a cardboard box, and (c) a lamp on the floor.  Our bed consisted of a futon and our guest bed was another futon.  We did not, in fact, get grown up furniture until, for Certain Areas, this very past year.

 Ari’s home is not This Author’s home.  He has prints hanging on the wall.  He has real life sofas.  His bedroom has a duvet which matches and is In No Way Similar to what this Author affectionately calls “The Pelts” covering her bed.

In this very moment, we feel 12 years old. 

But wait there’s more.  We see home movies of Ari, including the most spectacular mom jeans (on his mother) ever created:

Soon we are off to meet HIS PARENTS in their gated community.  Oh right right right.  Here is his mother, who basically looks like an older version of Coach Krystal and suddenly it all makes sense and also, we are a little worried.  We also meet his brother and sister in law, who just got married.  

Coach Krystal: “SOpfweeeeooooo, how did you two meeeet?”
Dad: “We knew each other from growing up in the same community.”
Mom: “Marriage is work, coach krystal.”

So they go to dinner and Coach Krystal has literally forgotten pants.  Words and images cannot express what is happening here, with a dress *soshort* that we see bottom and also, the front of her hip. 

We start the nervous sweats.

Coach Krystal to the camera:  “I’m not close to my family, which I need to talk about with Ari.”
Coach Krystal to Ari:  “I kinda grew up in a . . . less traditional sense. My dad was no part of my life [the very dad that was in the motorcycle accident that so scarred Coach Krystal she would lecture Ari before getting on a motorcycle].  My mom was around but not emotionally available.  When I was 9 or 10, I saved all my money to buy a blanket for myself. I grew up caring for my little brother, who is homeless.”

This Author:  “Ari, this girl is damaged.”
Ari:  “I can see you are loving and open.”
Coach Krystal: “You can seeeee thatpfweeee!!”

As we scream NOOOO, Ari is taking Coach Krystal Behind The Candlelabra as some dude sings:

Coach Krystal raises her arms to dance with him and as we flinch,  ABC mercifully cuts away from the bottoms of her “dress.” She gets the rose and all manner of kisses which are pretty gross.

Meanwhile, the third date card has come to Lady House.  As someone bangs on the door, Bibiana/Greek Chorus speaks for All Of Us: “That literally sounds like The Haunting.”

So this is a group date card and all you need to know is that it is for all the remaining women except four.  Who are those four?  Don’t know.  But the more interesting part about this is that Krystal has decided not to say anything about her date.  “we just went to Scottsdale and just . . . hung out, says she.   Bibiana The Chorus:  “It’s fine if you don’t want to open up, but when you are like that, you seem shady.”

The group date is a demolition derby.  We are amazed by how little clothing Young Bekah is wearing but somehow it works for her and also, if we had known about The Downhill Slide when we were That Young we would have worn a bikini every day too.

Tia from Arkansas, eyeing the cars, says: “This is some redneck shit.  People in Arkansas really do this.  So, I really have to represent.”

We like Tia despite ourselves.

But before we can appreciate all of this, The Mask Lady from Ari Part 1 is crying because when she was a child, she was trapped in a bumper car as other bumper cars kept hitting her.  ABC treats us to a Slo-Mo Reenactment (We are not making this up).

Jenny the Graphic Designer, for All of Us:  “I didn’t know that bumper car trauma is a thing!”  And also, “Yeah . . . so that’s not going to stop me from hitting her car.”

After Ari comforts Mask Lady, the “Bashelor” (see what ABC did there?) Demolition Derby begins.  

Ari advises us, “You want to hit people in reverse because all the vitals are up front,” and somehow we feel that this is a Life Lesson.   At any rate, Bibiana – who has just told us that she “doesn’t even have a license!!” – is all “move it b*tches!” And Brittany the POC is just running over everybody.  Yet in the end, it comes down to Arkansas Tia and Sienne the POC.  We secretly love Sienne, who wins in the end and says her dad would be proud.

So now it is the cocktail party, and we don’t really care. 

In the first five seconds, Mother Chelsea “steals” Ari in order to reveal that she is a mother, and Ari reveals that he lived with a single mom with two kids for 1.5 years.   Mother Chelsea, a walking non sequitur, says she was glad to see Ari “strong in that moment” with her.  When Mother tries to justify her Theft of Wang to the other women, someone shuts her down:  “Yo, we all gave up stuff to be here. That doesn’t justify you being rude.”    

We actually don’t care because we’ve discovered that one of the women is wearing lace and also,  no clothes including over a very bare and substantial midriff.   

So last week this Author had a problem with her pants.  We were walking from the parking garage to the office, weighed down with Things That Age Us and Make Us Cry, also known as Work Items, when we felt them start to go (the pants, not the Work Items).  And so began our long, slow Walk Of Shame across the atrium, in which we could only pray that the bottom of our pants would not shimmy below the bottom of our winter coat before we reached the elevator.

Behold This Author:  

 So basically, we have a moment of feeling like “Celebrities! They Are Just Like Us!” Only when Unknown Midriff Lady Small Screen Celebrity does it, it looks like the former.  And when it happens to us, it is the unspeakable tragedy that is the later.

But we digress.  Back at the party, ABC gets a lot of mileage out of Bibiana being really stoked to talk to Ari and doing absolutely nothing about it, and then becoming increasingly agitated because she hasn’t gotten to talk to Ari.  We also learn that Brittany gave herself whiplash at the demolition derby, and therefore is not at the cocktail party.   We further observe that there are a lot of women wearing shoe laces as tops at this party, which is Deeply Confusing to this Author.

Of note, there is crazy chemistry between Ari and Young Bekah.

Of further note, Sienna the POC is awesome.  She’s all “Yeah, I went to a huge public high school and then Yale for college.  I studied abroad in Brazil and Italy. I really appreciated those opportunities.”

Ari:  “Wow, I barely graduated high school and worked at pizza hut.”

Yup, about sums up this show.  And also, all opportunities for women. 

Because we don’t have enough cocktail parties, we next discover ourselves at the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party.  Some woman thinks that the “stakes feel higher.”  Young Bekah is wearing THE KITTY, for which we forgive her except we become anxious as she and Ari make out through most of their 1:1 time.  Oh right, Young Bekah = the archetypical “we have chemistry but do we have more” on this show.  Damn.  Well hopefully she’ll stick around.

The big story here is that Bibiana wants 1:1 time and Coach Krystal, wearing red shoe laces for a top, has lost her damn mind.  Krystal has a rose.  But first she cuts in on one of the Laurens to steal Ari away. 

Coach Krystal“Pfweeee hey baby!!!” Oooooo, did you miss me?”

Ari: “How are things at the house?”
Coach Krystal:  “yesterday, I was just thinking about how great things were, and how fun our date was!”
Coach Krystal to the camera: “I’m so smitten. .  a smitten kitten.

THIS AUTHOR IS STABBY.

Finally, Bibiana gets some 1:1 time with Ari.  BUT WAIT, because here is Coach Krystal lurking in the doorway once again. 

Coach Krystal to Ari: “I only had a minute and I just couldn’t imagine going into the rose ceremony without spending time with you and feeling our connection.”

Really?  REALLY?

Bibiana goes for the jugular.  When Coach Krystal comes back with a story about how she only interrupted Bibiana’s time to “check on” BIBIANA, Bibiana is like, “Girl, I really think that you have a lot of balls.  When you learn to speak to me like a human being and not in a fake tone, then we can talk.  But if you really think that I’m going to fall for this [pfweeeee] ‘Lalalalalala LA’ you HAVE to be kidding me.’”

In the end, joining CMS, Coach Krystal and Sienne (who got the group date rose), and with roses:

1. Maquillage

2. Jacqueline Who Appears Not to Be Crazy

3. Young Bekah.  YAY!!

4. Twitter.

5. Mother.   NOOOOO.

6.  Lauren S.  The one that looks like Farrrah Fawcett.

7. Tia from Arkansas.

8.  The mask lady, Annaleise.

9.  Lauren B.  No idea.  Another blonde.

10.  Kendall of the Taxidermy.

11.  Brittney the POC who won the derby. 

12.  Ashley, another POC.  No idea who she is.

13.  Marique.  There HAS to be some plastic surgery happening there.  

14.  Caroline. 

15.  Aaaaaaaand. . . Bibiana.   (As Coach Krystal has a “look of gentle concern” on her face). 

So going home are. . . Jenny the graphic designer, a lady we think we liked but can’t remember (Valerie?), and a POC.  Jenny is crying and, as Ari tries to comfort her (wtf), she says a bunch of nonsense about having made "friends at the house" etc and then reveals the real reason for her tears as she walks from the house:  "I just got broken up with for THE FIRST TIME." 

Wha?  Babies, this is what happens when you put a bunch of super pretty young women with low standards in a room together. 

Next week (which is apparently tomorrow but will likely not be blogged until the weekend), there will be a lot of tears.  And  not all of them will be This Author's. 

-KLo

Ari Part 1: 88 Lines About 44 Women (Ish)

Babies.  We are in under the wire on this one, as we are FULL AWARE that the next episode of this train wreck starts on the Mondays.  But first we must inform you that we are under the influence of A Hot Toddy and so.

We meet Ari.  Or re-meet Ari.  We hate to admit that he seems reasonably attractive though without the requisite shirtless shower scene/shirtless running scene that typically is included in these “meet the bachelor” things we really can’t be sure.  At any rate, this is the “most important race of my life.” He says.  Oh right, he races cars.  And deals in real estate. 

We see Ari’s last sojourn on the bachelor five years prior, when Dolly Pemily gave him The Big Dump.  He says he was heartbroken.  HORNSWAGGLE say we.  He also says that no subsequent woman has filled the void.  We have no doubt they have been legion.

In any event, after being “pretty closed off” to love, Ari is ready to try again.  With a bunch of women who have clearly found the hot rollers. And also, the hair extensions.  AND ALSO, that one plastic surgeon.  Christ Jesus, this new computer and pixels and also, clarity.  This upgrade is not dissimilar to the time This Author was watching the Ballroom Dance competition on our 1982 sony and thought that A Lady Had Forgotten Her Pants but it only turned out that the Sony was too fuzzy to Reflect Such Fine Delicacies.  But we digress.

 Let’s meet some of the women Ari is about to meet, before we meet them again.  First up:  Chelsea:  a 29 year old single mom from Portland who is “comforted” by the fact that Dolly Pemily was a single mother back in the day.  We hate her, but more on that later.

Next up:  Caroline, a 26 year old realtor.  BUT WAIT.  She hasn’t even had her real estate license for a whole year yet but she’s sold $5 million in business. “So obviously, I am really good at my job.”  

We hate her.

Also, we meet Maquel, a photographer.  We secretly wish her name was Maquillage.  She has got a whooshy voice and stares longingly out at the water from under her hair. 

Behold, there is also a POC called Neesha.  She is a 30 year old nurse who loves adrenaline.  “Sometimes we get people with gunshot wounds.  LOVE. IT.  The more blood, the better for me,” says she. 

We have no words.

And then there is Tia, a 26 year old . .. something . . from Weiner, South Carolina, population 716.  She is physical therapist and also, likes to shoot some guns.  She is also friends with Raven from season Evil Nick.

Then there is Kendall, a 26 year old “creative director” from LA that collects taxidermy, has never been in a relationship for longer than a year, and also, can play the ukulele.  “taxidermy . . . on this journEY of loooove,” she croons. WTF.

But then STOP THE PRESSES because we meet Becah or Bekah or whatever her name is.  A nanny in LA who also rock climbs.  We love this person, whose age is undisclosed (uh oh) and looks 12.  

TEAM BECAH/BEKAH.

 To further the pain, we then meet Marique, a 27 year old who owns an Indian restaurant with her mom.  She is also a little pigeon toed in her high heels and “hopes Ari is ready for our spice.”

And then, Coach Krystal.  What to say here.  Coach Krystal is a 29 year old online health and fitness coach from Salt Lake City.  Who volunteers with the homeless because her brother is living on the street and not ready for help.  She has yet another whooshy wheezy voice and breathlessly exclaims that she is coming into this thing with the “guards off her heart.”  OH NO.  

This one time, we had a weeks long arbitration in The Big City.  As we were heading to diner with our colleagues, this tall, beautiful ethereal blonde turned the corner and waltzed past us and as we stared in admiration she turned to her friend and said:  [insert man voice]:  “So I says to the guy.”

Babies, This Author’s Voice would Be the Tranny Unto Ari’s Harem.  Truth.

But the fun doesn’t stop because now Ari is getting out of the limo and OMG he is “nervous” and “excited” and we are admiring his salt and pepper hair DAMMIT WHAT IS HAPPENING and he is declaring that he has Not Known Love since Dolly Pemily but It. Is. Time.

Thank god, because Limo #1 has rolled up and we are meeting (To the tune of a LOT of screaming and at least one “OMG, what a stud!!”)

1.    Caroline the realtor in a white dress who is all “hey.  You are a realtor and I am a realtor and maybe if we do this thing right we will both be off the market.” OMG.

2.  Chelsea the single mother.  Not a realtor but . . . an executive assistant to a realtor.  She tells Ari that there is “a lot to get to know” with a bump shimmy and we bite our thumbnail in nervousness.

3.  Kendall the creative director who loves taxidermy and we know she is toast because her dress is like a tacky version of the painting on a Grecian urn.

4.  Seinne, a 27 a real estate manager and also a POC.  Toast.

5.  Tia the physical therapist.  She gives him a little plastic weiner (we are not making this up) and asks ARI to “please tell me you do not already have a little weiner” and WE WANT TO DIE.

6. Bibiana – 30 executive assistant from Florida.  We think we may like her except (spoiler) she goes batshit at some point.

7.  Bri, a 25 year old sports reporter who is impressed because Ari catches a ball that she threw from 10 feet away (“Who’s the good boy?!?”).  She is now a sports reporter. 

8.  Jenny a graphic designer from Chicago (the Big City).  She is manic.

9. Brittane J – a 27 year old whatsit who puts a bumper sticker that says “nice butt” on Ari.  

10.  Jacqeline – a Research Coordinator from NYC (equally The Big City) who does not appear crazy.

11. OMG, Coach Krystal. We hate her and the huge ruffle situation on her backside.  She ooey gooey wheezes about how she likes to have people see their “best selves” and leads Ari through a breathing thingy and he’s like “wow” and we are (Every Damn One of Us):  NOOOO.

12. Neesha the orthopedic nurse who likes all of the blood.

13. Valeria – a server from Nashville in a yellow dress. 

Through all of this, Chelsea the mom is in the peanut gallery, making comments about how “the hair is down and the boobs are out.” And also, she is crazy.

Thank god for:

14.  Bekah the Nanny, who drives up in a 65 mustang and also has short hair AND ALSO we love her (All Of Us).  She announces that she “may be young” but that she can “appreciate something classic.”

15.  Next up, Jenna the spazz who announces that she makes her living on social media.  Her arms are going so many places as she speaks that we begin to wonder if she is not also signing her words in the spirit of interpretive dance.

16. Jessica the television host, who looks like Farrah Fawcett and gives Ari a “gratitude Rack” oops Rock.

17.  Marique, the Indian restaurant owner.

18.  Olivia – age 23 the marketing associate.  NOOO.

19. Another Becca/Bekah – this one a publicist in a black dress with The Deep Bosoms.  She gets him to fake propose with a “Rebecah Jill, are you ready to do this damn thing” as her meet cute.

20.  Lauren S, a social media manager. She has a ghooshy voice and is all blonde and blown out and we are exhausted. 

21. Lauren J – a “recent masters graduate,” age 33, who looks like Ivanka.  Too old, toast.

22.  Lauren B – A Tech Sales person.  In a lot of rhinestones.  AND

23.   Lauren G, a POC.

IT’S A LIMO OF LAURENS YOU GUYS.

24.   But we are not done, because now we meet Ashley, a 25 year old (you guessed it) Real Estate Agent. 

25. Brittany T – a 30 year old tech recruiter and POC who gives it the old college try in Dutch.

26.  Amber – a 29 year old owner of a SPRAY TAN COMPANY.  Romantically, Amber tells Ari that she sees a “lot of dick” in her job and so she hopes he isn’t one.

27.  And then there is Ali.  We don’t know what she does and it doesn’t matter because she makes him smell her armpit as a “pit stop” and Bibiana, for all of us, is like  “WHAT ARE YOU THINKING.”

28.  Annaliese, 29 year old event planner.  In a mask.  Who has a nervous laugh and calls herself the kissing bandit.  We hate her.

29. Aaaaand, Maquel the photographer, who drives up in some kind of race car and then (in the words of Brittany) “Whips her head back and forth” as she takes off her helmet, revealing long lush extensions exactly like everyone else’s long, lush extensions. 

Blah blah let us sum up the remainder of this Most Hated Episode. 

A.    No one can believe that Ari still has hair and someone says something innane about men looking only better as they age. Gurl, you obviously don't work at a law firm.

B. Ari thinks its going to be a good night

C.  If This Author hears one more woman talk about how Ari is perfect, puts them at east, or is mature and knows what he wants, WE WILL START CUTTING.

Chelsea the Mom makes an early move, somehow convincing Ari that she is mysterious instead of just a giant asshole.  She reveals to Ari that she just got her real estate license (good lord) while criticizing everyone else to everyone else. We Hate her.  But we love Becah/Bekah the nanny for impersonating her.

More to the point, Jacqueline Who Does Not Appear Crazy is using her 1:1 time to ask some rational questions like “why did you come back here???” To which Ari responds, “I was a boy then.  But now I’m a MAN.”  Undeterred, Our Girl Jacqueline is like “Yo, but it didn’t work for you in real life, whereas you say it worked for you in this process? What’ sup with that?”  We love Jacqueline.

In between discussions amongst the POCs on interracial dating, the women are rationalizing what is happening: “I mean, if you can find love on Tinder, you can find love here.”  That’s the spirit!

But Brittney who spoke dutch steals a march on all the other women by racing Ari in kiddie size cars, with the prize of a kiss at the end if she wins.  Of course he helps her win.  And then the following happens;

[To him]:  “You’re a good kisser.”
[To us]:  He has the softest [bleep] lips.  Like clouds.  Like pillows. 

Like this:

Suddenly, Chelsea the single mom is all “I feel like my time got cut off and this is unfair” and “this momma means business” and we are just so tired of her already.  Momma needs to GO.

As taxidermy lady yodels on her ukulele, Becca the publicist is horrified that no one can use “beauty to their advantage” here in this cutthroat competition and we ask our husband to make us the first Hot Toddy of the Evening.  When we turn back around, some lady is feeding Ari pizza and another lady is whispering that “pineapple” is her “safe word.”

And then there is Jenna.  You know, the one that makes her living on social media. She’s like “I get lots of free stuff like makeup and ice cream” and her hands are going everywhere and she is giving him a PEDICURE and then she is on the sofa and then she is off the sofa and Ari is like “I don’t really know what she does nor what she is like but she’s crazy so I think I’ll keep her around.”  We shall call her Twitter.

But the hell is not over because not only do we need to listen to Anneliese the “kissing bandit’ explain that she had not passion in her last relationship but now we are stuck with Krystal the Fitness Coach who has lost her damn mind because The First Impression Rose Has Come Out And NO ONE Can Stop Talking About it. 

Krystal finally gets time with Ari 1:1:

Ari:  “Tell me about yourself.”
Krystal:  “Well, I’m a Libra!!”
Ari:  “You have the Most Soothing Voice.” ["like a damn whoopy cushion" whispers this viewer].

But Pfwweeeeee  as Coach Krystal is speaking, another woman steels Ari away and leave Krystal alone on the couch.  Where she sits like this BY HERSELF:

And then finally leaves like this, ALSO BY HERSELF:

It's like she has NO IDEA she is on television.

Suddenly Chelsea the single mom is like “I need a second chance” and steals Ari for yet MORE time, where she creepily tells him that she is “here for him” and “can’t wait for what this brings us” and THEN goes in for a giant kiss WITH THE TONGUES AND WE ARE SCREAMING.

“Do not vomit on this bed,” orders our husband.

Now there is a giant discussion about the Meaning and Risk of the First Impression Rose and also, Chelsea the Mom’s Betrayal at Going to See Ari Twice.   This is interrupted only by Tia from Arkansas, who tells Ari she is a “clown” and also, Napoleon Dynamite, who drew this:

It's Ari.

In any event, like a balm for our traumatized souls, Bekah the Nanny and Ari sit outside and she asks him to name three things that make him excited to be alive.  He says adrenaline, pizza, and good company.  What a dude.  Bekah, by contrast, is all “mountains . . . the smell of pine trees.  Also, that feeling you get when you think you might like someone but don’t know if they like you and it’s all awkward.  And also, sitting in the back of this ’65 mustang.”

We hope to god that Bekah is going to get the first impression rose but NOOOOOOOOOO IT GOES TO CHEALSE THE SINGLE MOTHER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WTF.   

Seeing the humor in this for All Of Us, Bekah is like:

As Chelsea demurs under her cagey cagey lashes: “I’m not competitive by nature but when I see something I want . . .“ haahhahha

Coach Krystal wheezes out that she is “stung because Ari and I were just getting into A Moment and if we had been ALLOWED to go into that Moment, she wouldn’t have gotten the rose.”  We are pretty sure that Coach Krystal and this Viewer would Never Be Friends.

But thank the good lord, it’s all over.  Lo, for the sun is coming up and now Ari must pick the remaining 20 women who shall continue on this Journey With him (Plus Chelsea): And he picks:

1.   Bekah K (the one who got on bended knee)

2.  Marique the Indian restaurant lady.

3. Taxidermy lady.

4. Lauren G;  POC.  YEAH.

5. Coach Krystal.

6. The Only Bekah We Care About.  TEAM BEKAH.

7. Lauren S – who looks lie Farrah Fawcett.

8. Sienne – another POC.  WHAT WHAT

9. Caroline – the real estate lady

10.  Brittany T – who race cars and got the first kiss.

11. Bibiana – who about had a heart attack waiting.

12, Annaliese – the mask lady.

13. Twitter. 

14. Valerie the server from TN in the yellow dress.

15. Jacqueline, who Appears Not Crazy.

16.  Napoleon Dynamite (Jenny).

17. Lauren B – we don’t know her.

18.  Ashley – another POC.

19.  Tia – from Arkansas. 

20. Aaaaaand Maquillage

So eight got cut, including the tan shop owner, who is sobbing, and also, some other lady who is  equally sobbing.  We are just happy some of the Laurens got cut. 

And just like that, it ends with foreshadowing about this season:  Smoke, or is that fog?  Some horses.  Travel to Italy and Paris.  Some falling in love, and also, a lot of tears. 

And this:

HE BLESSED THE RAINS, DOWN IN AAAAAAAAFRICA, babies. 

Until next time, peace. 

- KLo.