The Prosecutrix Part 6: In Which Dylan Fails A Test (Well, Several)

The Prosecutrix has taken us to Italy for the Prosecutrix Part 6, and we have The Mixed Feelings.   On one hand, we love the gently sighing beauty of Venice, similar to a great-grandmother or alternatively, a very old drag queen who has been around Since Christ Was A Child.   On the other hand, the necessity of water travel is generally guaranteed to give This Viewer vertigo, so that we spend the next three months running into walls.  

Which is only slightly different than our desire to beat our head against a wall when we learn that Nick has the first date, and also, he is wearing a Struggling Actor Scarf, and ALSO, he is A Dirtbag.  "I know my decision to pick Nick didn't make sense, but this is my journey to love."  says the Prosecutrix.   

And then this happens: 

Nick: "Wow.  We're in Venice." 

Le Prosecutrix: "This is so pretty."

Nick:  "I can't believe we are in Venice." 

Le Prosecutrix: "It's so romantic."

Le Prosecutrix:  "Not a bad first date in Venice."

Nick: "No."

Nick:  "We're in Venice."

When this Viewer was a freshperson in college, we told a senior sitting at the lunch table with all his senior friends, "Wow, you really look like Buddy Holly.  Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Buddy Holly?  Because you really do, you look like Buddy Holly."  And then we fled the scene.  

We now wish we could flee this scene, as we watch in fascinated horror while Nick and The Prosecutrix buy pizza, and then take lots of pictures of themselves covered in pigeons.  

KMu starts screaming about rats of the sky.  

Meanwhile, back at a very fancy hotel, Mackledouche is going through therapy with McConoughey.  Lo, for Mackledouche is the only man left who has not gotten a 1:1 date, and he is beginning to feel like the "pet dog" of the group.  We are beginning to wonder if Mackledouche is not a Renaissance Man whose renaissance has stalled in the 1980s, for he is a foodie who seems well liked by everyone, but who is also wearing a tiny tank top and enormous tennis shoes. 

But before we can reach a decision regarding Mackledouche, we are flashed back to the date, with the Prosecutrix and Nick looking at Venetian masks and then riding around in a gondola while The Prosecutrix wonders aloud if Nick is really "cocky and arrogant, or just misunderstood."  Ah yes, the question every woman asks when trying to justify to herself that she is dating an asshole.  

They talk about the last rose ceremony and the group date where Nick should have won a non-participation prize.  He says he will "do better" in group date settings. As the Prosecutrix says she feels appreciative of his apology, we hear muffled protests from ABe, who is back from Uganda (where she was not greeted by an African Childrens' Choir singing African music upon arrival).   Lo, for Nick is pretending to apologize, and The Prosecutrix appears to be accepting it.  

Bah blah, soon The Prosecutrix and Nick are kissing underneath various bridges, and Nick is now thinking he is clever because he is reading a message printed in the gondola and saying the following: 

"It says 'Don't fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world.  Fall in love with the woman who makes the world more beautiful.'  That's how I feel about you, Andi." 

Says Every Man who has ridden in this Gondola, Everywhere.  

Then it is time for dinner.  The Prosecutrix is wearing this, in gold and black: 

We gasp, but the bigger story is that Nick is now full-on "Hello, Clarice."   Looking through his eyebrows at the camera, he informs Us All that: 

1.  "I am comfortable with mine and Andi's connection." [we say a prayer for grammar]

2.  "I am definitely falling. In love. With her." 

We are completely creeped out. 

The Prosecutrix, on the other hand, is delighted.  She is floating in a gondola towards dinner at a magical place, and she has chosen to wear A Domino, a/k/a a mask.  

Stop The Presses.  As a Proud Purveyor of Trashy Romances Set Approximately in 1815, This Viewer has read more than a few chapters in which Our Hero and Heroine meet at a Masquerade wearing Dominos.  He, mysterious and tall with an aquiline nose and also, Inherent Grace; She, only recognizable by the slant of her Bewitching Violet Eyes.   And none of them, NONE OF THEM, begin with Our Heroine floating on a boat towards Some Dude  who is NOT wearing a Domino and who just took off his Struggling Actor Scarf long enough to put on a tux.  And also, if ABC is going to start pretending this show is the embodiment of Trashy Novels, we expect the next season to include at least one of the following: 

a.  A race to Gretna Green 

b.  A crisis wherein one or both members of the couple feels themselves unworthy of marriage because severe headaches, a war injury, faulty hips, a dead relative, OR a pirate keep them from having children; 

c.  An elicit tryst on someone's mother's sofa during a home date. 

ANYWAY, The Prosecutrix is swept away by Nick, who she thinks looks 'like a prince' in his tux.  In a very long speech, he confesses his feelings for her, making her feel completely fine and comforted because he "doesn't like the word frontrunner" and doesn't like to think of himself in that way, even though he is "confident in their connection."  We are screaming as he gets the rose, and then screaming for different reasons when The Prosecutrix announces that they are going to a masquerade ball next. No. No. NO. NO.   But then she gives him this domino to wear, which she stole from the Ice Capades: 

Remember him, Gentle readers? 

They dance and kiss awkwardly outside, by themselves, to a string quartet as this date ends.  DAMMIT. 

Back at the hotel, date card #2 has come for:  Everyman, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ, and McConoughey.  "I'm looking for True Love," it says.  Mackledouche is excited because this means he has the last 1:1 date this week.  We grow worried. 

So the group date, which is now in Monselice, Italy, starts with a bang when The Prosecutrix receives *another* note from her Secret Admirer.  We admire the ingenuity of this person and cannot believe that, in 20 million seasons of the show, no one else has thought about Sustained Secret Admiredom until now.  Except the note reads, "Every waking moment, I am dying to see you again..... We are on the cusp of love, etc...."

"No dude wrote that," concludes ABe.  

The Prosecutrix is thrilled, equally because of the note and because she intends to find out who the Secret Admirer is through the administration of a LIE DETECTOR TEST to this group.  Like a sixth grade girls' slumber party in which the girls all decide to tell each other what they really think about the others, this is only going to end badly.  

Everyman is freaking out.  Talking a mile a minute, E-man insists that if you trust everyone, why administer a test?  He demands to know how "correct these things are?"  and proceeds to complain to everyone around him, including Us At the BNU, that he is bothered by this.   We are getting tired of Everyman, who seems to be fairly high-strung and also, A Bit Jealous-Boyfriendy.  Be that as it may, we must go through this together, so Onward: 

Andi first takes the lie detector test, in which a man with a heavy Italian accent asks such questions as "Do you think all the guys are here for the right reasons?" and "Are you falling in love," and also, "is your husband here?"   

The men go next. Questions include:  

"Do you prefer blondes to brunettes?"

"Are you good in bed?" 

We at the BNU discuss questions that would be on our lie detector test for this show:

"Do you like to wear high heels?" offers ABe.

"Do you have a crush on any other man in the house?" she proposes. 

KMu agrees that these questions would have come in handy in past years.  

But then this happens: 

"Have you slept with over 20 women?" -- To which 26 year old Dylan says YES. 

"Do you wash your hands after going to the bathroom?" - To which Dylan says NO. 

ABe falls off the sofa.  

KMu concludes that Dylan's new name is "Dylan, The Unclean." 

Even this Viewer must concede that Dylan has failed in one of This Viewer's two requirements for a boyfriend:  (1) Presence and (2) Cleanliness.  On several levels. 

We are horrified when, after taking the lie detector test, Dylan The Unclean immediately goes outside and holds Andi's hand. He also wants her to know that "he will be there for her."  Yes, like he has BEEN THERE FOR 20 OTHER WOMEN ALREADY.  

The news on this date is that McConaughey is the secret admirer!  Oh happy day!  He is worried that he is going to have to tell The Prosecutrix this in the middle of a pack of guys when they get their lie detector tests back, but in a dramatic turn of events, The Prosecutrix rips the results up (after learning that several men lied, as did she, during the test). 

"She needs to know that Dylan doesn't wash his hands," says ABe.  

Off we go to the cocktail party, where Brian administers his own "lie detector test," including a rather inartful though sweet "do you wanna make out?"  Marcus, in his own 1:1 time, is creepy and confesses love.  But then Everyman makes it worse for himself by becoming combative about the lie detector test and its purpose, demanding to know if The Prosecutrix trusts him, and continuing to talk himself into a hole.   This, in turn, proceeds to make the Prosecutrix become very uncomfortable and doubt his truthfulness.  

 

In the words of This Viewer with her choreographer hat on:  Take the note, Everyman.  Take the damn note, and sit down. 

In the end, McConaughey gets the rose on this date after swooping in and making The Prosecutrix feel better following her weird encounter with Everyman.  He also confesses that he is the Secret Admirer, and they share a kiss which Is Not Gross.  Go go McConaughey!!!!  Oh, but the moment is immediately ruined when, after the other men congratulate McConaughey on the rose, J.J. throws a tantrum about he's getting sick of the other guys being collegial about this, and that he 's not okay congratulating someone on getting a rose because it means the rest of them are at risk. 

J. J. is an asshat.  As McConaughey appropriately puts it, "What's the alternative [to being polite], J.J."

And now, because this is long and we are going to be late for work, we conclude with date #3 in Verona.... to which The Prosecutrix is wearing a turtleneck and a SKORT.  

"I had a most awesome green corduroy skort," comments This Viewer. 

"When you were a child, right?" says KMu. 

"Um no, in college," whispers This Viewer. 

But beyond our own fashion tragedies, we have Mackledouche to worry about.  He has completely gone apeshit with the excessive displays of love:  "I'm gonna be your Romeo.  YO Juliet!!"  Other than that, this date would actually be completely awesome, as Mackledouche and The Prosecutrix go to the Club de Guilietta, which is an organization tasks with answering letters from lovelorn people writing to Juliet from around the world.  And they answer some letters.  Oh. My. Gosh.  We need this job, which we are pretty sure is This Viewer's Calling.  

So the big surprise here is that Mackledouche can both read and write.  And also, he can write a pretty decent letter.  We are almost to the point of feeling that we misjudged him, when he shows up for dinner wearing this: 

We don't even care that The Prosecutrix is literally not even wearing pants for dinner.  Because, upon seeing this outfit from Mackledouche, we at the BNU have the same reactions: 

"The date would be over for me at this point," says ABe.  And,

"His breasts are falling out of that top," concludes KMu. "Have you seen those personal injury lawyer advertisements for Gynecomastia? Yeah, I am pretty sure Machledouche has that." 

The BNU team takes a rather lengthy break in which we watch youtube videos of personal injury advertisements.  And also, investigate Gynecomastia, which is apparently a drug side effect in which men grow female breasts. 

 When this Viewer was in law school, we had to present recent cases of import at the law firm where we were clerking.  And one of those cases was about a man who injured his finger when, during a visit to a strip club, he was bodily hoisted by a stripper, who then lost her balance causing both of them to fall, injuring the man's hand.   We had secretly concluded, at the time, that when one injures one's hand in a Stripper Incident, it is better to just suffer stoically and privately, rather than literally making a case about it. We feel the same way about Gynecomastia, and also, Mackledouche's Situation, or whatever one wants to call it. 

But we digress. 

Over dinner, Mackledouche is effusive.  He tells the Prosecutrix that he wants to take her home, and be around her all the time, and and and he wrote a love letter to her, and oh! let him read it!  (it is actually sweet).  But the entire time, Mackledouche is not picking up the hint because The Prosecutrix is crying and looking sour.  Finally, she cuts in and tells him she can't give him the rose.  He  is crushed, but handles it well.  However, we agree with KMu that the entire scene was like hitting a puppy between the eyes with a bb gun.  Mackledouche goes home. 

At last, it is the rose ceremony.  Nick immediately steals The Prosecutrix away as soon as she arrives, which McConaughey observes to be "an arrogant move" because Nick already has a rose.  Unfortunately, The Prosecutrix feels that Nick is being "a real man" by "barely making it around the corner before he kisses her."  WTF.  Blah blah other 1:1 times ensue, which include yet another written speech from another dude (Brian), and more spazzing out by Everyman about the lie detector test.  

Finally, finally, The Prosecutrix picks her guys.  Joining Nick and McConaughey with roses, she picks: 

1.  Dylan, The Unclean

2.  Brian

3.  Marcus, aaaaaand.

4.  Everyman.  

J.J goes home.  We are relieved. 

Stay tuned for next week, when The Bachelorette continues the series "KLo, This Is Your Travel Life," with a visit to Brussels, Belgium.  And also, the Prosecutrix is stalked by two increasingly creepy guys, Nick and Everyman. 

-Peace. 

The Prosecutrix Part 5: Bro's Before Ho's

This Viewer is learning French, or "the Frenches" as we call it.  We are Not Good At It, but one day, when we finally admit to ourselves that we cannot take the Trauma of Big Law and decide to Live Out A Julia Roberts Movie, it will be useful.  The Prosecutrix, on the other hand, is skipping right to the movie part:  that one where Our Heroine goes to Marseille, France with a bunch of beefy man-children and they all do things that make us embarrassed for traveling Americans everywhere.

"Oooo, I've never been to France before!," exclaims She. "It is the epitome of charm!"
Baby BMu, restless in KMu's arms, starts crying.

 Immediately, ABC thrusts us into a Language Learning Film Clip from this Viewer's Frenches class materials:  creepy man in a turtleneck (Chris Harrison) meets Solitary Woman (Prosecutrix), also in a turtleneck, at an abandoned outdoor cafe.  They speak limited French:  "Bonjour."  And also, he calls her out on falling in love, maybe, but without her ever actually admitting anything. Meh.

But then, we have a seizure because The Prosecutrix stands up.  And she is wearing a pleated black pleather circle mini-skirt.  In case any of us was wondering what it would like to wear a children's birthday tablecloth as Bottoms.    

Meanwhile, Date card #1 has come, and it is for Everyman.  "Voyons, notre amour... something."   We are trying to get excited about Everyman, but .....
"He's all dimples and haircut," says KMu.  

This is the "walk around Marseille" date, where they speak loudly in English to all the shopkeepers in what is obviously freezing cold weather, until they end up on a *surprise* yacht trip, also in freezing cold weather.   All of which is performed in Remarkably Inadequate Clothing.

This Viewer once took a train from a Very Depressed Economic Area in order to travel home from meetings.  This Viewer, wearing a Vile Suit, received a nice compliment from A Toothless Man who told us that we were "A Pretty Lady," bought a hot dog for dinner from a woman who was both serving said dogs and making change from a pile of crumpled bills on an equally dirty table with her bare hands (germs are good for us), and then bonded with a homeless man over the fact that it was quite cold outside and the (likely) prostitute catwalking around the train station needed to put on some damn pants.
This is how we feel about The Prosecutrix and Everyman.  

 Everyman compares the date to a "play off game" in importance, discusses tennis and golf with The Prosecutrix as This Viewer yawns from the sofa, and then they kiss a crapload while The Prosecutrix hides under "A Black Kitty.... or Gray at Best," notes KMu.  We conclude that, regardless of their outward color, if any of the Stock Kitties on this show showed their Inner Soul, they would be All 50 Shades.

The Big News here is not really news anymore:  Oh, for The Prosecutrix is attracted, but she *always* dates the athlete.  Can She Trust Him?   She decides to test  his devotion by taking him to The Wall. 
"We don't kneel for anyone beyond The Wall," whispers This Viewer.

How convenient that there is a nice park bench sitting on a desolate rock for them, which we are disappointed to learn is in Calanques, France, and not, actually, The Wall.  We feel bad for the intern that  had to put it there, but Everyman doesn't mind.  Lo, for he is telling The Prosecutrix that he played baseball for five years, which was difficult because he started at 17, and also, he quit because he wanted a family.
The Prosecutrix worries aloud about whether she has anything more than a physical connection to Everyman.
We worry aloud that this date is Never Going To End because next, NEXT, we go off to dinner at a castle filled with Statues and Other Art.

KMu offers a prediction:  "Some new country singer  is going to climb up the statute of Titan and play some shitty song."
But that doesn't happen for at least another 5 minutes.

First, Everyman must Bare His Soul to The Prosecutrix as he tries, once and for all, to convince her that he is not a Paper Bag of Flaming Crap Cheat of an Athlete.  Which he does by gently explaining that, when he was a baseball player, his girlfriend's friends continually told her that he was going to cheat on her, which he allegedly never did, ... but which led The Girlfriend to cheating on him, pre-emptively.  Which naturally broke his heart.  Oh, but also, with the next girlfriend, there was never any trust issue, but he just didn't *love* her in an "I-want-to-marry-you" kind of way.  SO, the next time he says it, he wants to "mean it."   And also, it has been five years since he went on a date.

After a speech from The Prosecutrix about  how they are just "two kids from Atlanta, two miles apart, here in France..." Everyman gets the Rose AND THEN SOME DUDE STARTS TO SING as they slow dance on a red blanket between two ugly, and no doubt extremely heavy, flaming candlabra.

Meanwhile, back at the house, a group date card has come for Marcus, McConaughey, Mackledouche, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and the Ad Man.  It is blank, except for a "heart, Andi" at the end.  This is less important than the heartbreak of a rumor started by JJ, who tells Marquel that when he and Ron, the other POC, made it through with roses the first time, Ad Man leaned over and said "Whoa, she gave it to two blackies."

We are speechless.

Marquel is rattled by JJ's comment.  He says that while he understands that this is all hearsay, it still hurts, because "no matter how well you treat [another] person, they still have an idea of you." He is frustrated with the reality that the first thing people see with him is that he is a "black guy" -- not a good guy, or a man who has been brought up right or does the right thing.  And he is trying to figure out how to address this appropriately, given how deeply it hurts him, but how it is also based only on hearsay.

He goes to the group date, but maintains a careful distance from Ad Man while he sorts himself out.  More on this later, but we have decided (All of Us) that Marquel, with his calm thoughtfulness and honesty, is going to be the only person on this season that we actually care about afterwards.

The Prosecutrix does little to lift our spirits, because she has chosen to show up for this group date in stilettos and a see-through doily top, with black bra underneath.   And McConaughey is wearing the salmon shorts of rage.
"Do they just pass this crap down from season to season?" demands KMu.

Our mood does not improve when we learn that the group will be LEARNING TO MIME.
KMu is incredulous:  "What are the odds you spent the summer miming?"
KLo: "I totally did."
Fine Arts Camp, 1985, Babies.

So this segment is terrible.  Mackledouche says he's got  his "mime on his money and his money on his mime."  JJ observes that they all suck, which is very true, and then they are forced to take their Suckage outside where the few local French residents stare in horror and a baby starts to cry.   And also, Nick refuses to participate.  We don't like Nick.

The Prosecutrix finally ends this tragedy by taking all the men to have a drink.  This is weird and goes on forever.  First, JJ takes The Prosecutrix up in a conveniently nearby ferris wheel, which would be nice if we actually thought they would end up together but they won't.  While they are gone, Mackledouche attacks Nick for acting like he is the front runner in this thing, so by the time The Prosecutrix is back, Tension Is High.  So, the Prosecutrix tries to find out what is going on from McConaughey.

McConaughey:  [Choosing words carefully]
The Prosecutrix:  "My future husband will tell me anything. But, I don't want to push you for too much information because you know, you don't have to give up your bros before, .... you know."
KMu:  "Bros before Hos? REALLY??"

Blah blah off to 1:1 time with Nick, who confesses that he was giving Mackledouche a hard time in the house, but downplays its significance.  The Prosecutrix secretly wonders if Nick isn't a little manipulative, but then falls for him again when he brings out "something he wrote."  And it goes like this:
"When I see you, I see.... smiles.
blushing.
Getting nervous.
Chest bursts with excitement.
Beauty.
Purpose.
Strength.
Future.

This is the shittiest love poem ever written.   And also, dishonest.  When this Viewer sees The Prosecutrix, she usually sees London, and also France, because she sees......

ANYWAY,  The Prosecutrix is brought back around Nick's thumb.  And also, Marcus tells her that he is "falling in love with" her.  Which this Viewer secretly doesn't think it takes much courage to say.  "I am beginning to like your haircut," and also "your smile is becoming more attractive to me" is different than "I love you" full. stop.

In the end, the only part of this date that we care about is that Marquel confronts the Ad Man, carefully and respectfully.  The Ad Man is, of course, an asshat about it, interrupts Marquel and is absolutely tone-deaf to how difficult it is for Marquel to be talking to the Ad Man about the rumor.   Says Marquel in the end:  "I am not going to stay up at night trying to figure out who is telling the truth here [between JJ and Ad Man].  I spoke my truth."

Marquel is a man among boys.

We are annoyed when JJ gets the rose on this date.

Last but not least, date #3 comes for Brian, saying something about recipes for love.  We know this is immediate disaster when Brian confesses that he doesn't like cooking.

This date is essentially very boring.  They go to a mid-date private movie screening, and then to the market to buy ingredients for what Andi thinks is a traditional french meal, including frog legs.  "As cheesy is it all sounds, there's a recipe for great food, and a recipe for great love.  I'm just trying to figure it all out!!" says she. And then there is this awesome kitchen conversation:
The Prosecutrix:  "How do you like your broccoli?"
Brian:  "Different ways...."
The Prosecutrix:  "Are you a cheese guy?"
Brian:  "I tend to be."
KMu starts flipping through the online profiles of the men.  "Guess what three things Brian would take with him to a desert island?" she asks This Viewer.
"I hope one of them isn't a Bible," says We.
It is.  At Number 1.

And it is at this point that we know Brian is not going to make it very much longer in this date, even if he rallies after they go out for a "real" meal, and smooches her inside some dark corner, thereby securing the rose THIS TIME.

At last, the rose ceremony is upon us.  The Prosecutrix is wearing a fine dress from the front, except she has Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman Hair that all of us at the BNU despise.  And also, when she turns around, we discover that her dress is actually a giant corset on top with the corset... half cocked, shall we say.

But The Prosecutrix means Business.  She skips the cocktail party and immediately cuts three men. So, joining Everyman, Brian, and JJ with roses, she keeps:
1.  Marcus
2.  Nick.  Noooooo.
3.  McConaughey.  Yyayayayaya
4.  Dylan. And....
5.  MACKLEDOUCHE.

Ad Man, Patrick, and Marquel go home.  We don't care about Ad Man and Patrick.  But we are vaguely insulted, on behalf of Marquel, that he would be going home in the same round as both of them.  As he walks out of the house, he cries a little and says that meeting The Prosecutrix has made him believe in love.  He's "not that special," but he "wants love badly."   We conclude that he is going to make some woman very happy in the future, and salute him as he walks off into the sunset.

Stay tuned for next week, when The Prosecutrix ruins one of This Viewer's favorite places, Venice.

Hearts & Flowers,
KLo.

The Prosecutrix Part 4: The Phantom Dookie

Are you there, readers?  It's This Viewer, KLo.  It is Day 2 of our Internment, and even The Catholic Family did not come to say hello this evening.  What will this day be like (I wonder).  What will Our Fuuuuture Be (I wonder).  But soon The Prosecutrix is telling us:  We will be starting our "journey around the world" in ... Connecticut.  Where it is "romantic" because there are "white picket fences and sailboats."  And also, she is developing feelings "for more than one guy."

That one guy better damn well NOT be Mackeldouche, who has gone full-on thrift shop for the trip across the U.S.  This Viewer may have once gone to a roller skating party wearing Tights as a Top, but Past Embarrassments only give us Good Cause to complain about the fact that Mackledouche is wearing, in no particular order, sweatpants hiked up to his knees, air jordans, a V-neck top ripped off the body of Pringles, and also, a legwarmer hat.  We still hate that hat.  But our attention is momentarily averted because Marquel is excited and McConaughey intends to "keep The Prosecutrix warm in snowy Connecticut."  But (spoiler alert) McConaughey encounters A Rival for This Viewer's Affection in the Prosecutrix Part 4, and so we remain somewhat unmoved by his tender whispers.

Date Card #1 is here, and it is for Dylan.  "Our relationship is picking up speed."  This Viewer immediately imagines Dropping to a Fiery Death but apparently, the card only means they are riding the Essex Steam Train up the Connecticut River.  "Our relationship is probably going to take a turn today."  says The Prosecutrix.  And we are sorry to make a lawyer joke, but Just This Once (we promise):  *cough*Palsgraf*cough*.

"I am totally sure Dylan will be coming home," says Andr(ew) to the remaining guys.  "I give him only a 50/50 chance of coming home," says Andr(ew) to All of Us.  We secretly think that Andr(ew) is A Greasy Crapple and we wish he would be the one going home.  

So what to say about this date?  They have champagne.  We see repeated clips of how much Dylan wants to open up about his life, and also, how The Prosecutrix knows he is Carrying A Load and needs to unburden himself.  And finally, FINALLY he tells her that he had an eight year relationship which ended at the same time his brother killed himself, which was last November, and which also was three years after his sister killed herself.  And this is truly awful, and we feel bad for Dylan (All of Us), especially when he says that being back home in Connecticut is hard because it brings back so many GOOD memories from when he was growing up.

So, This Viewer once watched a show about Tough Love for Troubled Teens, in which said Teens go camping out in The Wild, where they must do various survival items for weeks on end until discipline is ingrained in them.  Gentle Readers, a critical part of that discipline includes digging the hole to drop one's deuce, and then covering it up again.  But occasionally, a random deuce is discovered, like a tiny Rock of Gilbralter, frozen to the tundra.  This Unclaimed Shit That Has Not Been Dealt With has a name:  the Phantom Dookie.

We conclude that Dylan has very recently distanced himself from The Phantom, and we feel bad for him.   While it is probably not the best time for Dylan to find love after losing a sibling and ending a long relationship less than six months before the show taped, we will not make fun of him for leaving his unclaimed dooks In the Open.  He gets the rose on this date.

Meanwhile, Date Card #2 has come:  "Who's got game?" And this one is for Ad Man, JJ, Mackledouche, Andr(ew), Marquel, Nick, Tazo, Brian, Everyman, and Dora.  And yes, it is basketball-related. The Prosecutrix hopes the men "embrace it, get sweaty, shoot some hoops, and look like men."  omg.

Brian the basketball coach is extremely excited.  We at the BNU suddenly find ourselves Slayed by His Smile, and so we also become excited for him.  Well, this was unanticipated.  But we have no time to examine Our Developing Crush because the WNBA has come to kick the mens' butts.  We are impressed with Brian and Everyman because they know the WNBA players' names and are rightfully intimidated.

 A few minutes into the game, the score is like 30000 (WNBA) to 8 (the men). It remains that way.
"Yeah, we are running around like a bunch of Infants," observed Nick, "and they are barely trying."
"Well, that was more like a warm-up," observes Awesome WNBA Lady.   But then, unsurprisingly, It Gets Real when The Prosecutrix splits the men into groups to play against each other.  The winning team gets to continue on with the date, whereas the losers go  home.  Ooooo!!!!

Brian immediately kicks it into coaching gear, strategizing with his team "The Rosebuds" to win via strong defense.  We are momentarily distracted from these strategems by the discovery that snobby Ad Man has a barbed wire tattoo around his arm, which we are pretty sure is the equivalent of A Secret Mullet.   But we become less distracted by Ad Man's Poor Life Choices Tattoo when Brian begins to make shot after shot.  And also, The Hotness.  By half-time, the game is tied 6-6, we are only watching Brian, and Marquel has informed Us All that in the second half, the other side will be going back to the hotel to "eat some cereal or whatever it is that losers eat."   We immediately hide our popsicle from the computer.

Brian pretty much wins the game for The Rosebuds in the second half.  The Rosebuds, which include Brian, Mackledouche, Dora, Marquel, and Andr(ew), awkwardly re-enact what was likely their Junior High Days by popping foaming bottles of champagne at the walls of the mens' locker room showers.  Ew.  Meanwhile, the "Five of Hearts" team is shattered.  McConaughey feels that going home is a "bitter pill to swallow" and Everyman is a "little fired up.  I'm not a sore loser, but this sucks."  We don't care because it is getting late and we are tired.

Off we go to the after-event cocktail party, at which Dora immediately borrows The Prosecutrix for some 1:1.  They agree that their relationship feels "stalled" and then Dora begins to complain that he feels like their time together is "so formal."  Suddenly, we become wary.  We have long suspected that Dora is A Peter Pan Man who will neither Own nor Deal With his Phantom Dooks.  This suspicion is confirmed when, after The Prosecutrix tells Dora that all she knows about him is his travels, he then turns the story of his family into one about how he traveled to all 50 states before coming on the show.

We are more excited for 1:1 time with Brian, who claims he is "smitten" with Andi.  As we are with you, Brian, As Are We With You.  Brian teaches The Prosecutrix how to shoot, and then she challenges him to make a shot from half court, WHICH HE DOES and it is ALL NET THE HOTNESS.  The Prosecutrix is about ready to pass out, and We are about ready to pass out.... and then Brian doesn't kiss her.  "Andi may have been giving me the signs, but I am terrible at reading signs" says he.  Noooooooooo.  Instead, we are forced to watch Nick get all up in The Prosecutrix's jizz as he smooches her in the corner.  We know she "feels most comfortable" around him but there is something unbalanced about him In this Viewer's Estimation.

Brian gets the rose on this date.

At last, card #3 has arrived, and it is for Marcus:  "Sky's the Limit."  This Viewer always has felt that "Sky' would be an appropriate name for an overprotective parent to name their daughter, so that one might say to a would-be swain:  "Sky's the limit, sir. Go No Further."   But ANYWAY, this date is about heights.  Of which both The Prosecutrix and Marcus are terrified.  So she has decided to tackle that fear by rappelling down the side of the hotel where they are staying.  Marcus has chosen to omit socks from his wardrobe for this occasion.

Basically, Marcus panics by going all silent, and then The Prosecutrix panics by working herself up.  And as she stays frozen on the edge of the building, refusing to come down the wall, Marcus decides he "needs to be the man in the relationship and hide his fear," because That Is Healthy.  But it apparently works with her, and we have to acknowledge that he is a little awesome in forcing her to look at him and also, asking her questions about her life to keep her mind off The 30,000 foot drop.  They share an awkward kiss on the side of the building.  You know, it's the little things.

In the end, and after they have rappelled down the windows of the suite where all the other guys are staying, she feels "liberated."  Marcus "literally got me off that ledge." As This Viewer's coworkers do that every day, and also check the windows in this Viewer's office to make sure they do not open, and also come down to check on us when A Trauma happens in our Work Related Items, we can relate.   As we are contemplating whether we would prefer The Prosecutrix's ledge versus our own, if forced to pick one, she and Marcus go to dinner.
"Here's to trusting each other and getting through one of the most difficult things in my life," says Marcus.
Wait, how old is this person? We immediately check ... 25. He is TWENTY-FIVE.   In addition to His Infant Status and also, apparent lack of Difficult Things to date, we become nervous when he also reveals that his last relationship of three years ended suddenly and out of the blue when she walked out on him.  These things do not happen overnight.  But the Prosecutrix is moved by Marcus and the fact that he is "a catch" (which he may be in five or ten years), so he gets a rose.

Marcus and La Prosecutrix end this date by dancing on a raised platform in the middle of a casino to the smooth song stylings of, we think, John Hardy.  Oh, and this happens, while dancing:
Marcus: "I think I'm falling in love with you! It's the scariest thing in my life."
Prosecutrix:  "Don't be scared."
Marcus:  "Why?"
Prosecutrix:  "BECAUSE I'M HERE."

We fall off the porch laughing.

Now the rose ceremony is upon us, and The Prosecutrix has gotten a love note.  This Viewer is pretty sure that a love note, written on actual paper with an actual pen, is the Best Thing Ever In The World.  And also, writing love notes for a living would be the best job ever, second only to writing the Sunday wedding column in the New York Times, which this Viewer reads religiously.  With these thoughts in mind, we forgive the rather uninventive nature of Andi's love note:
"This journey has been amazing so far to say the least....."
We think Chris Harrison sent it.

Immediately upon Andi's arrival, in a tin foil dress, to la ceremony, Tazo takes her aside for some 1:1 time.  He is sweet, but we nearly pass out from The Hotness when Brian seizes The Prosecutrix and takes her back to the basketball court, WHERE HE KISSES HER.  And also, HE IS GOOD AT IT.  We, like the Prosecutrix, are even more endeared to Brian for owning up that he probably should have Made A Move back during the group date.  We fan ourselves.

Meanwhile, we have decided Marquel is *awesome* because he has decided to teach The Prosecutrix how to defend herself when he is not around.  So he shows her the "Rear naked choke(hold)."  We hope that is not in some sex book somewhere.

And then.... Dora Strikes Back.  He has apparently been thinking a great deal about his last conversation with Andi, and so in 1:1 time, he decides to complain to her that he  was taken "aback" by her comments about not knowing him well because he feels like he was really "open" with her about his family (which he only mentioned after she told him she didn't know anything about his family).  So he thinks it will be helpful to tell HER that she is not being open with HIM, and also that he came on this show to "meet a person, not a TV actress."
We cringe.
And it continues:  "I see two different sides of Andi.  I see the poker face most of the time.  But then sometimes, I see the 'real' Andi, when you are building a sandcastle, or riding in the helicopter, or walking down the pier."

Oh HELL no.   Peter Pan Man apparently thinks that the only "real" version of this lady is when she is skipping down the sidewalk, not acting like an adult in a stressful situation.  And then, THEN, he asks of her, the judgment clear in his words,  "Do you feel comfortable and natural all the time?"

Dora has taken his little frozen rock of gilbralter, dragged his butt through it, rolled around in it, flung it at Andi, and then disclaimed it as his own.
We sit back to see what her response will be.

The Prosecutrix explodes.  She tells him that OF COURSE she does not feel comfortable and natural all the time; that this is actually difficult to make sure she is paying attention to all of the men, and running all over creation to go on dates with them, and sending them home, and giving speeches, etc.  And also, that she is insulted by him.  And ALSO, that this is "now way past healthy," and they both know that this is not going anywhere, so "thank you for your time."  And then she bursts into tears, As Would We All.
"She should not be crying now," observes Everyman, like a Greek Chorus from the other room.

But then Andi tells the other men that if any of them thinks she has a "poker face," then they can just "walk your ass on out of here," and we love her for it.  And then she stalks out of the room, armored dress clinking.  Go, Prosecutrix!!!

Dora is left catching a taxi, claiming that he is "all about love."  And also, "love is the reason to live."

It is at this point that the show ends. Chris Harrison comes on to tell us that this was Dora's last episode filmed, and that he died paragliding in Utah shortly thereafter.  And [since he was a giant Peter Pan Man in this last show], ABC wants to pay tribute to him.  So he and Andi talk awkwardly about him, and then Chris Harrison says that by the way, Tazo got kicked off the island that night.

Given Dora's last performance, We at the BNU offer a somewhat different tribute:

Stay tuned for TWO WEEKS from now, when The Prosecutrix Part 5 airs, and This Viewer is reunited with KMu and ABe.

KLo.

The Prosecutrix Part 3: Pour The Wine, Light The Fire.....

"Good Evening," This Viewer mutters bitterly from her porch to what certain individuals in This Viewer's Household call the "Catholic Family" (two adult geese, six babies).  We have situated ourselves thusly to watch The Bachelorette, which ABC tells us is "new for this special night." Otherwise known as Sunday, the day on which this Viewer RESTS.  We glare at our computer.

The Prosecutrix is thrilled, however, because this Hollowed Day marks her sojourn from L.A. to Santa Barbara, which apparently has "sand, and air, and mountains!"  And is also a "different pace" from L.A.  We don't care.  Moreover, we don't care that Chris Harrison has shown up in his 12 year old son's old suitjacket to tell the men that they will be trekking over to Santa Barbara individually for dates.   We are bitter, and tired, and only slightly mollified by the ample sight of McConaughey, who has rapidly replaced Carl as The Hotness on this show, despite his apparent lack of lips.

The first date card has come, and it is for Nick.  "Let's ride off into the sunset," it says.  This Viewer has long struggled with Nick, who reminds This Viewer (work with us here) almost precisely of the newscaster on the Michael Keaton Batman, during the days in which he is forced to go make-up free or risk gruesome distortion at the hands of The Joker.  When we lean closer to our screen, we can can almost hear him whisper,  "My my my my my, my my joker face," perjuring L. Gaga with impunity.  Except there is no name for that character and we are not feeling inventive. And so we still call him Nick.  Sigh.

ANYWAY, they are meeting on a dock to ride bikes.  This Viewer recently started riding a bike again, and we are here to tell you (All Of You) that if things are supposed to Come Back Just Like Riding a Bike, then we can only say that It All Comes Back, including the bit where One Hits a Tree and also That Parked Car.  We have been declared A Menace and not allowed out of the neighborhood.    Apparently, The Prosecutrix and Nick are much better at riding a bike than This Viewer.

But we are not done with reliving This Viewer's Walk of Shame, because next Nick and Le Prosecutrix go hiking in "Lizard's Mouth" and we immediately become apprehensive because the last time this Viewer went hiking by ourselves, we fell spectacularly while fiddling with our IPhone like an idiot (we wanted to take a picture for The Mister).  A fellow hiker, Man In The Blue Shirt, looked behind him at This Viewer, sprawled in all her glory on the rocks, AND KEPT GOING.   Chivalry is dead.

Nick is amazed that he is experiencing Feelings, and also Emotions, because he was "skeptical" of the process.  But soon he confesses that he has a crush on Andi because she "has a great resume."  We die a little inside.  But Burning Rage soon takes over because the Prosecutrix is asking Probing Questions:  "All your friends are married but you aren't, why is that??"

Really?  REALLY?   We don't even care if Nick gets the rose (which he does), because we feel so bad for him having to explain why, at 20-whatever or 30-whatever, he dares to be single. We secretly wish he would respond, "same reason you're single, You Old Hag.  Your biological clock must be ticking!" But no, instead Nick feels like "this crazy kid might have a shot!" with The Prosecutrix.  But we know that he doesn't because he wears his collar popped.

Off we go to date #2, which is a group date for at least the following:  Andr(ew), Brian, Marquel, Mackledouche, Mulletted Brett, Tazo, Ron, The Opera Singer, Marcus, Dora, Everyman, and probably some we've missed.  "Let's start things off on the right note," reads the card.   And right at this very moment, We Know:  The Opera Singer is going to Miss The Point.  Lo, for he is thrilled because the date is a vocal thing.  Oh, and also, it is at the Music Academy of the West, where The Opera Singer apparently won a competition in the past.  Because that matters exactly Not At All on this show.

Suddenly we are perking up, because it is That Band We All Grew Up With, Boyz II Men.  And they are singing "I'll Make Love To You (Like You Want Me To)," rising above the cheesy lyrics with their sweet sweet harmonies.  Meanwhile, Brian is informing us that he fell in love during junior high "multiple times" to this song.  Dora, also, is reminded of The 7th Grade.

We are still trying to digest this proof that The Prosecutrix is dating The Infantry, when we get the news that said Infantry will be singing "I'll Make Love To You" because why not.  And also, none of them can keep a tune except Tazo and The Opera Singer.  Except The Opera Singer sounds like Gaston and also, This Viewer's College Boyfriend, the First.  He also has no ability to sing pop music, or have a sense of  humor, or remember that he is NOT THE CHEF IN THE LITTLE MERMAID.  But then this happens:

Boy 2 Man:  "Sing 'pour the wiiiiine.'"
Infantry:  "Pour the wiiiiiine."
Boy 2 Man:  "Holy Shit."

We decide that we like the Boyz II Men, because when the big and unsurprising announcement comes that The Infantry are singing Before A Live Audience, one Boy tells the Infantry that they sound "special."  And a second Boy says, "They'll be memorable. I've got a few memories already."  And yet a Third Boy says that If this is the group Andi is picking from, "she should leave by herself."  BOY 2 MAN, FOR THE WIN.

Blah blah, they sing, and the crowd loves their terribleness.  We suppose this is supposed to be awesome and funny, but we are Taking Issue with the fact that ABC has Dressed The Infantry like the cast of The Best Movie Ever Written, Pitch Perfect.  No One shall mimic that perfection.

The dinner portion of this date is otherwise uninteresting, except for the fact that The Prosecutrix is wearing hot pink gym shorts as a dress.  Look it up on the Interwebs, Gentle Readers; it can be done and There Are Tutorials.  Otherwise, The Opera Singer is wearing a Sheepskin Kitty Jacket, Dora needs reassurance from The Prosecutrix, and The Prosecutrix accuses Mackledouche of having a girlfriend "as a joke."  Which is not funny.  Mackledouche claims he has been single for three years.  Which is also not believable.

Everyman gets the rose on this date after he kisses The Prosecutrix while grunting "uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhhh."  End scene.

Last but not least, we have date #3, with JJ the Pantspraneur.  "Love is timeless, heart, Andi."  reads the card.  And Gentle Readers, they are going to "Grow Old Together" with the help of some makeup that is aptly titled, "Old Age."

So JJ is REALLY excited for this date.  We are less excited, as we watch "the transformation" on a speed loop and The Prosecutrix laughs about her sun spots.  "You look great!  I look like a Creep Uncle!" says JJ, For Everyone.   And then we must suffer through about 10 minutes of The Prosecutrix and JJ playing in the park as Old People, and also riding scooters, sitting on benches, eating butterscotch, and finally, riding the Carousel.
"I Feel like this is really what it's like to grow old together!" says The Prosecutrix.

No, no it is not.  THIS is what it is like:
KLo's Grandma:  "I have all these stories to tell, but all my friends who know these people are dead."
KLo's Grandpa:  "Well, you can tell me."

We want to like JJ, but we are Struggling Mightily because he is talking incessantly about himself over dinner (now as a young person again). Oh, he was a nerd!  Oh!  He is Quirky!  Oh! He was fearful that she would not enjoy him!  He is so glad she sees him for who he is!"  Andi is making soothing and clucking noises from the corner of the table, in Michelle Dugger's wedding dress (on the top).  This Viewer's Husband, who is neither soothing nor clucking, comments across This Viewer's table that the date "sounds like a therapy session."

The Pantspraneur gets the rose. Even though his longest relationship was 14 months, and it ended because they were competing with each other to see who could get more friends, do better in school, etc.  

Meanwhile, back at the house, Seriousness Is Afoot because Ron has received a phone call telling him that a close friend has died.  He leaves immediately, with very little fanfare.  We feel bad for Ron.  We also feel a little bit bad for the Accountant, Dylan, who tells McConaughey that he would like to tell The Prosecutrix the story of his life privately on a date, instead of publicly at a rose ceremony.  And then he proceeds to tell the whole story, including two siblings who died of drug overdoses, publicly to All Of Us.

One hard edit later, and we are at the Rose Ceremony.  The Prosecutrix is again in hot pink, this time less objectionable than the Gym Shorts Dress of Horror.  Marquel is anxious because he feels that all the men deserve to be there.  The Prosecutrix receives flowers from Nick in the middle of 1:1 time with Dora (awkward, but well played, Nick), and then:  DRAMA.  JJ must "get something off his chest."  And that thing is, apparently, that Andr(ew) the scumbag (who We Don't Like -- None of Us) got the hostess's phone # during the group date and then bragged about it to the other men in his limo.   JJ informs Everyman of these facts, who bravely tells JJ And All of Us that he "Feels Very Strongly Against That."

And then, right as JJ and E-Man are pulling Andr(ew) aside to confront him with these allegations, THIS VIEWER'S INTERNET DIES.  FOR TEN MINUTES. CRISIS.  During this crisis, we can only assume that Andr(ew) denied and/or refused to engage a discussion about Said Hostess (because the previews suggested that much).   When at last we are able to reconnect to the interwebs, it is in the middle of the roses.

And joining Nick, Everyman, and JJ with roses, she picked:

1.  Tazo
2.  Mackledouche
3.  Ad Man
4.  McConaughey
5.  Dora
6.  Dylan the Accountant
7.  Andr(ew) NOOOOOOO.
We later learn that she also picked :
8.  Marquel
9.  Brian
10.  Marcus

Brett of The Mullet and The Opera Singer get the axe!  After which, we hear more from Brett than we have in three weeks, when he tells us that he "put  himself out there" but his shyness took over.  We feel bad for him, and forgive his mullet a little.  But we do not feel as kind towards The Opera Singer, who cries that he "loves to be loved.  And loves TO love."  And though he, too, "put himself out there." It was "Not Enough."

We feel tired.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, because This Viewer Has To and therefore So Must All of You.

KLo