Tiny Dancer Part 7: In Which Much Wailing and Gnashing Occurs

Babies, we have some Morning Announcements. 

First, the power went out this morning at Chez KLo, which is why this blog is late.  Will there ever be a week without Adversity?

Second, we are heading into The Wilds this week, not to return until Tuesday July 14^th.   We allegedly will have a television in The Wilds, but are unconvinced that it will be showing anything other than “What To Do If Eaten By A Bear” or alternatively, “In The Belly of the Beast.” Therefore, there is a possibility that the BNU may be delayed by as much as a week at some point – for TWO Mondays because we planned our trip poorly.

Our third announcement is that you are happy (All Of You) about The Wilds because everyone needs a vacation.  We cannot help that ABC didn’t tell us about this summer bonus edition of The Bachelorette when we were planning ours.   But we will miss you, truly.  And will try to blog next week if the television cooperates.

So Tiny Dancer Part 7 picks up with Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris being very needy.  He has sneaked himself up to her hotel room to seek reassurance (him:  “are you in love with me?” her:  “I am falling IN love with you”) and to steal some sweet kisses that are Not Gross.  Except he is having a hard time and thinking about leaving because of All This.   Kaitlyn, in a voice over, has come to the conclusion that All This means Sleeping With Evil Nick.  She feels awful because she “hates disappointing people” and feels that she has cheated on various menfolk with Evil Nick and that they will all find out.

Babies, her “heart would break if [Poor Man’s Gosling aka Calvin Harris] left!”  But Oh!  All her other relationships!

“Does she think it’s a valid option for her to end up with more than one of them?” queries KMu.  “Like, is this Brother Husbands?”

But we are distracted because Kaitlyn has a blush brush and is putting it ALL OVER THE PLACE.
This Viewer:  “This is when I realize that I don’t know how to put on makeup.”
KMu:  “Wait, THIS is when you realize that?”

Yes Gentle Readers, we know this will come as A Surprise, but we can turn ourselves into The Firebird if needed, but do not Use The Paint Otherwise because we think it’s better for the public not to have Auntie Mame wandering the streets.

Anyway, Kaitlyn and her blush brush are “looking forward to” her 2:1 with JJ MotherPucker and Bart Simpson, which makes exactly one of us.  She does some voiceovers about the men:  each are “hilarious!” and “handsome!” And then she walks them down the plank to a fishing boat, probably to die.

Except we are distracted.  This Author owns a pair of sweatpants that our husband hates with the Fire of A Thousand Suns.  We inherited The Pants from our sister ERo, probably because her husband had the same reaction to them.  These pants make “what God spent [an undisclosed number of] years lovingly shaping” into “an elephant’s back side” (says this Viewer’s Husband).   Conversely, this Author loves The Pants because they have pockets AND a drawstring.   

So we are particularly pleased to discover that Kaitlyn has The Pants too, except she’s wearing them as some kind of sweater/shawl on her 2:1 date.  See, They Are Versatile!!!

So this date is awkward.  Kaitlyn floats around the Irish coast with JJ’s arm wrapped around her and holding Bart Simpson’s hand, until they reach “Irelands Eye,” an island where They Will Picnic.  JJ chooses the picnicky moment to confess to her – in front of Bart Simpson – that he is Falling in Love With Her and ALL THREE TOAST to the news.  We drink nervously of our wine, lovingly supplied by KMu.

JJ then decides to “show the worst of himself” to Kaitlyn, because this is always a good idea on a date.  So he tells her that three years ago, he cheated on his wife.  His daughter is 3 now, so do the math.  He says it was the worst mistake of his life, and that he lost everything, and we can see why.  

We give his ex-wife a high five for what must have been a difficult period. 

Secretly, we think people make mistakes and no one wins a lot of the time.  Except JJ is such an Ass Nugget that we have a hard time being sympathetic to him.

“I’m glad you told me because cheating IS MY BIGGEST FEAR IN A RELATIONSHIP” says Kaitlyn.
“Really, REALLY” says This Viewer, who has just suffered through 45 minutes (so far) of The Tiny Dancer having Anxiety about The Other Men discovering she has taken her Ladybits on a Tour De Nick.  

JJ gets the Axe, but Bart Simpson does NOT get the rose . . . yet . . . because she feels she “needs more time” with him.  Eventually, he comes home with it, but we have to suffer through a whole lot of Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend stressing about “Where Things Stand” first.

Blah blah as Bart brings the rose home, Poor Man’s Gosling storms out of the room and back up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room.  This is getting ridiculous.  The Tiny Dancer is sobbing because she believes Gosling will confront her about Nick and tell her that he doesn’t want to be here because of “mistakes” she’s made.  “Obviously that’s what’s happening,” says Kaitlyn.

Turns out, it’s not.  Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris just needs more reassurance. Instead, he wants to talk some more about what happened in “San Antonio last week,” during which Kaitlyn snuck down to talk to him and Peter Brady off-camera, and ended up telling Calvin that she thinks he is “the one.”  

Tiny Dancer is almost giddy with relief that he is not confronting her about Evil Nick.  She then turns the whole conversation around to Calvin needing to TRUST her and the process and “when this happens, it makes me question us.”   We hate her for this.   Poor poor Calvin, who becomes scared at this threat.  

[Sidebar]:  We also hate the Tiny Dancer’s ring, which is like the entire state of Tennessee on her third finger, balancing across its neighbors.  We hate this fashion trend, almost as much as Evil Nick’s beaded bracelets.

At last we are at a rose ceremony, at some castle.  We are also getting bored because Kaitlyn is continuing to worry about “the mistake she made in San Antonio”  by having off-camera time with Calvin Harris and Peter Brady, because that is SO MUCH more significant than the mistake she made with Evil Nick.  Rage.

“Why do all these mistakes keep happening to me???” asks KMu.

Kaitlyn then tells the men vaguely that she has made some “mistakes,” leading all of them to wonder what the mistake was (some think it’s giving them a rose, some think it’s something worse, blah blah).  As the remaining men all sit awkwardly in a silent trust circle with Kaitlyn, Ben the Personal Trainer swoops in and cuts her from the crowd.

“That is a grown ass man,” says KMu, for All Of Us.

And then, as our respect for Ben the Personal Trainer has just increased, so too must it increase for Peter Brady.  In 1:1 time, Peter Brady looks Kaitlyn straight in the eye and says “Our date went well in San Antonio.  The cocktail party after was then bad.  But you came down to talk to Calvin Harris and me, and that was exciting because I am always happy to see you.  Except then I left to take a shower, and when I came back the vibe had changed and Calvin Harris was super happy.  What happened?”

Kaitlyn: “Erm, Uh, what do you mean ‘what happened?’
KMu explodes:  “Peter Brady could not have been more clear!  ‘A, B, C, D, E, what’s F’ and she’s like ‘what?”
Peter Brady:  “Am I just here spinning my wheels?”
Kaitlyn: “Erm um thanks for not jumping to conclusions.”
KMu. “OBJECTION, NONRESPONSIVE.”

We love Peter Brady, find him and Ben the Personal Trainer too good for this show, and hope they find happiness off-camera.

And then we see Kaitlyn’s outfit and Gasp:

Babies, it is a black bra under shizzle covered mesh.  This is not dissimilar to what This Viewer wore in a Drag Show during the Ballet Days (only ours was much, MUCH shorter but no less terrible).

We are so horrified by this outfit that we almost don’t hear Kaitlyn’s 1:1 time with Evil Nick, where she tries to tell him “don’t talk to the other guys about what we did.”  We are so tired of, and so bored with, Kaitlyn trying to do damage control.   Nick cries, says he’s “confident, but then remembers he was the overconfident guy” in Season Prosecutrix (striking just the right note of pathos to be manipulative), and then they kiss it out.

Vomit.

In further 1:1 time with Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris, Kaitlyn then makes him feel even worse by telling him she is “concerned” about how he “fights through things” in relationships.  As he starts to tear up, Kaitlyn tells him they need to “take a step back” in their relationship.  This Viewer becomes extremely angry at the Games of Manipulation Kaitlyn is playing. 

So finally we are at the rose ceremony itself, and we realize that Just Jared, Evil Nick, and Bart Simpson all have roses from the past several dates.  We become depressed because all three of those men Need to Go, but Kaitlyn is going to have to cut someone else more deserving because she gave the roses to those three ninnies. 

And she picks:

1. Peter Brady
2.  The Dentist
3.  Calvin Harris

Ben the Personal Trainer and Michael Scott go home.   Our heart breaks for Ben:  “This is a girl that my mom would have been proud to meet.   A cool girl.  A beautiful girl.  An amazing woman.  I know I can make someone happy.  Forever love is the only thing I NEED.   Everything else is life just a want.  I just have to find her.”

KMu and this Author are Depressed.

Awkwardly, we segue into the next round of dates.   The men are traveling by bus to Killarney, with Kaitlyn riding alongside them in the car. . . with Just Jared because surprise, this is a date! 

“Why doesn’t he ever comb his hair?” says KMu, for all of us.
And then, “Why is Evil Nick wearing a bathrobe?”

We are annoyed about Kaitlyn’s date with Just Jared, which we barely see.  They drive, and then they kiss the Blarney Stone.  Meh.  Meanwhile, Calvin Harris snores loudly in the bus.  Once they arrive, The Dentist declares, “now THIS feels like Ireland!  Churches and Hotels! This is what my soul looks like!”

We are pretty sure this Viewer’s soul contains neither a church nor a hotel.

So after everyone settles in, Chris Harris comes to visit Kaitlyn.  They obviously woke him up, because he is wearing a blazer over a sweatshirt.  But he tells Kaitlyn that they are switching up the remaining weeks because Kaitlyn keeps having so much off-camera time.  ABC wants to “even the playing field.”  So The Harrison tells Kaitlyn that she will be going from 6 guys to 3 in the next week, followed by the Romantic Overnight Dates with the final three, then will meet the families of the remaining two men, before she picks a winner.

“Wait, did ABC just cut her season?” says KMu.
“Is this going to be happening WHILE I AM IN THE WILDS?” cries this Viewer.

 “It’s all good if you screw up, as long . . .as it’s all about where you go from there.  That’s a sign of good character” interrupts Chris Harrison, confusingly.
“Another life lesson from Chris Harrison,” concludes KMu.

After all these big announcements, the first date is with The Dentist.  “Let’s Take our Love to the Edge,” reads the date card.  Turns out they are taking a helicopter to the Cliffs of Moher *cough*Mordor*cough.

This date is extremely boring.  Kaitlyn asks the Dentist what the other men thought about having only three people left, she asks what her life would be like with him, and then she starts to cry.  And she tells him that her heart is elsewhere and she doesn’t want to lead him on.    He tells her he sees where this is going, but why? And she gives another chickenshit answer.

“I want to hit her.” Says KMu. “Here is another guy asking respectfully for a clear explanation, and she’s all ‘eh eh eh’ AGAIN.”

Then Kaitlyn abandons The Dentist on the Cliff. In Mordor.  As he cries and cries hysterically and says (we believe correctly), that Kaitlyn deserves a lifetime of happiness but that he’s not sure she’s actually ready to find that yet.

Stay tuned for next week (which might be a little late sorry sorry sorry), when Kaitlyn FINALLY owns up to the Sextos with Evil Nick.

KLo

Tiny Dancer Part 6: In Which Bad Choices Are Made

Gentle readers, we settle in for Tiny Dancer Part 6 in the middle of tornadogeddon because, you know, what could be worse than the rainageddon of last week?  But never fear, for the satellite mostly cooperates this time.  And also, We Didn’t Die.  We are not sure that is a benefit because . . .

We are flung back to Ian Formerly The Hotness, whom we left last week demonstrating that buttholes can talk.  Babies, he wanted to meet the damaged “girl whose heart was broken by” McConaughey [and be her savior] instead of the “girl who wants her field plowed by” McConaughey [and whose sexuality makes him uncomfortable unless he is awakening it after it got stuck by a spindle and slept for 100 years].  He calls her shallow, and some other things.

Kaitlyn sucks in all her teeth and is actually so diplomatic in her Beginning Dump of Him that we almost forgive her dress, which is cut so low in the back it is nearly an Assless Chap.   But wait – in an attempt at mastery, Ian Formerly The Hotness Dumps Himself.  As he storms away in the limo, he tells us all that he’s “TOO deep a thinker; TOO self aware.”  And also, “an interesting guy.  A guy that has had a lot of different experiences.  The other guys are just losers.  I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor.  You have to be Deep.  I am DESTINED to be the bachelor.  The women are going to be like ‘oh wow, he’s so deep.’”

And then:  “Oh man, I really need to have some sex.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have right there the hat trick of asshattery. 

KMu:  “Let’s talk about”
ABe:  “Sex, ba-by.”

We hate him, and are glad he’s gone.  Except, Evil Nick has swept in on Kaitlyn like the Creep Willing to “Be There For You” in Your Time of Vulnerability in case it leads to Items Under The Covers.  And it works.  As he tells her all about how fabulous she is and also, how Ian Formerly the Hotness was not There for the Right Reasons, she softens.  No, Kaitlyn, NO!!

But ABe doesn’t care:  “He is wearing Patches on the Elbows!!”
This Viewer:  “I LOVE PATCHES ON THE ELBOWS.  IT IS MY FAVORITE THING.”
KMu:  “Um, I side with your husband if he is refusing to wear that.”

It should also be noted that Evil Nick is wearing about 15 bead bracelets. 

As this evening draws to a close, Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris is stressed because if “she doesn’t know it’s me 100%, how on earth is this ever going to work out,” and we secretly think he has never watched this show.  He also hates Evil Nick with the Fire of a Thousand Suns.  We at the BNU appreciate his wisdom and his biceps, which are nice also.

Kaitlyn reveals why Ian Formerly the Hotness is now gone, and then the rose ceremony begins.  Randomly, it is at The Alamo.  We are both confused at the choice of location, which sort of looks like an abandoned school parking lot at night, and  panicking because we don’t know who got a rose last week.   At last we locate Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris, Other Ben (who looks a lot like Peter Brady), and Evil Nick with roses.   

Joining them for the next round will be:

1. Just Jared

2.  Chris the Vampire

3. JJ Motherpucker

4. Bart Simpson

5.  Ben the Personal Trainer

6.  Michael Scott

Flashdance and Justin the Personal Trainer go home.  We feel a little bad for Flashdance.  ABe feels worse:  “I love you!  I love you!” she cries from the sofa as Flashdance Exits Stage Right.

Just like that, we have left Texas and are now to the next stop on Kaitlyn’s Tour of Shame, also known as Dublin, Ireland.  Our closed captioning sums up Ireland as the following: [seabird calling] [woman vocalizing] [bleeting] [fiddle playing jig].  We sigh.

The men are thrilled to be “In Ireland.”  We are not convinced that they actually are, given that they just walked past some kind of leprechaun mascot waving to people on the street.  We wonder if this is being filmed in a back lot at Notre Dame.  Vampire Chris the Dentist is all, “Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!”  and we sigh again.

So Kaitlyn shows up for her first date, and the back of her sweater looks like this:

All of us at the BNU gasp.   The men are fuming because this first date goes to Evil Nick.  “Looks like I just got lucky in Dublin!” he says with a maniacal gleam in his eye, as Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris twitches a pinky and we are suddenly Afraid For Our Lives.

And then this happens:

Kaitlyn:  “I wore a holey sweater so you could touch my back!”
Evil Nick : [grinding her up against the wall.  The door.  The bar]
ABe:  “I just threw up in my mouth.”
KMu:  “What HAPPENS to women around this guy?????”

We conclude that Evil Nick must have some kind of diabolical chemistry that is not translating across the television waves.  Because to us he just looks gross.

So Nick and Kaitlyn kiss their way through a park, where they temporarily Face Adversity in the form of Pigeons, and then to a clown act in the street, and then to random irish step dancers.  “I love Irish River Dancing” says someone.”   All we know is that Our Soul Sister, Anonymous Woman in the Crowd, has the exact same look on her face as this Viewer during the entire Evil Nick date:

And then it gets worse. 

Evil Nick and Kaitlyn get matching rings on the street, like creepy promise rings that, turns out, are a promise that they are going to keep for one Hot Second on this date.  As Nick shoves Kaitlyn up against a wall for yet more kissing/entrapment, he says:

Evil Nick:  “There is a a physical connection that is rock solid.” 
ABe:  “And I want to bone her, so. . .”
KMu:  “Fortunately there is a hole in her sweater for that.”

They find their way to a bar, where they talk in wonderment about how “seamless” their relationship has been.  He tells her that right now, where his heart is at, is [satellite interference].   The old man sitting quite close to Kaitlyn’s back during this entire scene looks extremely uncomfortable and pulls his hat down further.

This Viewer:  “That old guy is so uncomfortable.”
KMu:  “Well, the back of her sweater is to him.”  And then: “Way to defile a church.”

Yes, babies, because this is Ireland, we have suddenly transitioned from a bar to Christ Church Cathedral, where Evil Nick and Kaitlyn are not really getting to know each other over dinner because they have not stopped kissing long enough to do so.  Evil Nick says something about “Kaitlyn and I’s connection” and we hate  him for it.

And then, Ominous Foreshadowing Occurs:  Kaitlyn is wearing a GIANT BONE for a ring.

Oh!  She forgets that there are “cameras and people!” when Evil Nick is around.  He makes her feel like a “woman!” an *cough*hunted*cough* “desired” woman!”  Soon her legs are wrapped around him and she has invited him up to her hotel and we CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING as his hand is halfway up her shorts and the bedroom door is shutting and he is telling her lines as “I want to know every part of you” and and and then ABC focuses the camera on a giant dark sphere. 

KMu:  “Who chose this shot?
This Viewer:  “You mean the big black hole?”
ABe:  [cackling softly on the sofa]

 Now it is the next morning, and we realize our face has still been stuck like this for the last 20 minutes:

We relax our cheeks by drinking deeply Of The Wine.

Evil Nick is now departing Kaitlyn’s room, and Kaitlyn is suffering from a severe hangover as she mutters on her balcony about The Entirely New Information that McConaughey and Britt allegedly had sex on a date, and how this was probably a mistake and she really hopes that Evil Nick doesn’t tell all the other men because it could really screw things up for her.

Really?  REALLY KAITLYN?  You can take Your Lady Bits out for some exercise whenever you want, but we have no tolerance for your subsequent fear of losing out on other relationships because of it.   Meanwhile, Nick is working this date for all it was worth with the other men at the hotel:  “I got a rose . . . we went back to her hotel and had a lot of whiskey .. . it was intimate . . . very . . . personal.”

So now a date card comes for Michael Scott, Ben the Trainer, Peter Brady, Vampire Chris, and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  Ooooo, this means that the 2:1 date (which we don’t get to see this episode) will be between Bart Simpson and JJ Motherpucker.

The card says something about noses and roses and “here lies our bachelorette.”  Yes, it is pretty much the worst date in bachelorette history:  Kaitlyn is going to pretend she is dead, and the men are going to go to an “Irish wake” where they have to toast her endearingly.  ABC has pretty much given up on ideas.

Kaitlyn is a terrible dead person, as she lies in a coffin “caked in makeup” observes ABe.  The men sing and/or talk, and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend’s toast says something like “I would have taken my life too if I had to spend the entire day with Nick yesterday.”

“Well, that’s one way to get your anger out” says KMu.
“Each one of these guy’s speeches really nailed it,” says Kaitlyn.
“Like Nick nailed me last night,” finishes this Author.

After a moment of confusion where KMu stopped forwarding through the advertisements because she saw a man in a track suit and we all assumed  it was one of the bachelors, we conclude this date at the Guinness Museum.   This author gets excited because we were there!  And also, we were very popular because we don’t like Guinness and so gave away our free Guinness half pint tickets. 

Suddenly, we are on 1:1 time with Ben Z and [satellite interference.  TORNADO WARNING.  Satellite interference].  Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris endears himself to all of us by showing sweet pictures of his niecelets and nephlets, and talking about his family.  He feels “confident that he will get” the rose on this date.  

We barely have time to whisper “uh oh” before Just Jared is awarded the date rose.   They continue into another cathedral to dance to the Cranberries, who are her favorite band.  “I’m such a fool fer you. You got me wrapped around your fingerrrrrrr.  Do you have to let it linger….” We all sing because we are momentarily swept back to college.

Calvin melts down.  He tells the men that he “loves the girl,” which makes this all extremely hard.  And then he wanders off to talk to a random staff person who, unlike every other staff person we have seen (all of whom look like they come from Middle Earth), looks like a golf pro.   As Golf Pro listens patiently, Calvin pours his heart out:    “I love the girl.  She came to my room and we stayed up for 6-7 hours and we stayed up all night.  She said “you’re it.  You’re the one.” 

THIS IS ENTIRELY NEW INFORMATION.

But he “can’t handle” this anymore.  He doesn’t want to go to the fantasy suite and then have her “bang two other dudes.”  Trust is a big issue for him, because his parents went through a “terrible divorce.” We simultaneously feel awful for Calvin Harris, and also, a little uncertain about how this is going to go.

But instead, we must all stay tuned for next week, when All Is Revealed that Evil Nick slept with Kaitlyn.

As the credits roll, we see Britt introducing Vaguely Dirty Brady to her mother, who tells Britt that he is “sweet” and that “you have a great new friend.”  Ha ha ha.

Have a good week, babies. 

Tiny Dancer Part 5: RAINAGEDDON

Babies, we should have known that we were About To Face Adversity on Monday night when we arrived at chez Mu and PMu did this in front of our very eyes:

Oh, The Horror that is the sound of a can of whip wheezing out its contents, not dissimilar to the sound of Vigorous Tooth Brushing.   Vomit. 

But we were still unsuspecting.  Instead, we gently situate ourselves in front of the television to watch where we Were Abandoned last week:  Nick doing his slow walk across the United States towards the hotel room in which the guys are all are staying.   At last, he arrives. 

Nick takes his place on a lonely sofa across from Aaaaall the other men, opposite him on another sofa, to the tune of painful silence.  He begins to dance for his life: 

Nick: “I am not here to create drama or create a scene.”
Abe:  “I cry bullshit!!!”
Nick:  “But I dig this cool chick from the little I know, and I’d like to know her more.”
Flashdance:  “So is she a ‘cool chick’ or an amazing woman to you?”
The Entire BNU:  “TEAM FLASHDANCE.”
 ABe:  “I love you!  I love you! If she won’t have you, flashdance, I will!!!”

Michael Scott basically grills Nick about chasing his 16^th minute of fame, for which we also appreciate him.  In the midst of this, Nick explains that he both texted and talked to Kaitlyn on the phone, which is more contact than The Tiny Dancer revealed them to have last week.  Says Flashdance, for All of Us, “I don’t like it.”

But now they all must get ready for a rose ceremony, including Nick, which is ridiculous.  Except Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris a/k/a a Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling a/k/a Shawn the personal trainer is putting on a shirt and we Have Not Words.  KMu rewinds for us.  He says something about the appearance of Nick causing him to “pump the breaks” and “put his guard up,” but we are Not Listening because Dear Baby Jesus.

All the men are walking towards the rose ceremony WHEN THIS HAPPENS TO THE SATELLITE:

I call this Monet:  Horses in a Rain Storm.

Babies, the rain (the rain that Has Not Stopped for a Week and is Drowning Us Softly With Its Song), has broken the satellite television connection at chez Mu.  We typically love the rain and all cozy-ness associated therewith, but at this moment, We. Are. Brokenhearted.

Suddenly, we get limited feed again.  Rejoice!!!  We find ourselves at a baseball field for the rose ceremony as ABC plays Field of Dreams music.  We secretly wonder if Shoeless Joe Jackson walked out on the field, whether Kaitlyn would find herself having a “connection” to him and inviting him to join the rose ceremony.   We suspect that it would be a challenge to film the rest of the show on the field, as Shoeless Joe Could Not Leave.

So blah blah the little that the satellite allows us to see of this segment reveals that everyone is uncertain because of Nick.  We at the BNU are uncertain because we have recently discovered that JJ is wearing pink socks with his blue skinny suit.  This Viewer may have worn sports socks and tennis shoes to work underneath our dress pants today, but that is only because we have An Injury of Old Age. 

At some point, JJ takes Kaitlyn in his arms and runs her around the bases down on the field.  We sincerely hope that this is the ONLY way JJ may get to fourth base with Kaitlyn. 

At another point, Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris tells Kaitlyn that Nick is “full of shit” and that the entire situation with him is causing Calvin to put his guard back up.  Kaitlyn whispers, “don’t you trust me?” and Calvin, winning this Viewer’s heart forever or at least For This Episode, says, “Yeah, but your actions aren’t really matching up to what you are saying.” 

JJ later approaches Calvin, clapping him on the back and tell him that he doesn’t like Calvin’s look when his jaw is clenched. 
KMu:  “ooo, JJ is looking for a new wingman.”
This Viewer:  “Yeah, he likes the blondes.”

After her tete-a-tete with Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris, Kaitlyn is upset because this is her “worst nightmare.”  And also, your decisions created that nightmare, dumbass.

And then we MISS THE ENTIRE ROSE CEREMONY BECAUSE OF SATELLITE RAGE.  We will have to use Deductive Magic to figure out who got the axe, which will further be a challenge because Monet and his damn horses in the rain are again galloping across the television.

As we struggle through rainageddon, we see flashes of what happens next:  Other Ben on a 1:1 date, where he is explaining away some Other Relationship that he had.  Oh, it has ended.  Oh, and also, it was long distance from the beginning.  And also, [insert all sorts of other things to make her feel better].  The satellite cuts out again, and returns to Other Ben expressing that he likes Kaitlyn, as he kisses her and they dance on a rooftop.  The satellite cuts AGAIN, and we conclude that Other Ben must have gotten the rose.  Kaitlyn says that the date was “exactly what she needs” from Other Ben.

Another satellite related hard edit later, and we learn that Kaitlyn is taking 10 men on a group date, which means that Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris gets the last 1:1 date.  “I like a man in uniform,” says the date card.    We think it is for Flashdance, Nick Justin, Ian the Hotness, Just Jared, the Dentist, JJ, Bart Simpson, and some other people.  We don’t remember seeing John Legend . . . does this mean he was given the axe at the rose ceremony?  We are so confused.

ANYWAY, this date begins with a 10 year old boy serenading Kaitlyn with a Mariachi band as back up.

“Wait, do you think she’ll try to take him to the hotel?  Did they have a connection?” queries KMu.

Surprise: They are all going to be writing Mariachi songs, which they will then sing – in uniform – to Kaitlyn with the band in the background and in front of a live audience.   As we look out at the audience, it starts to dawn on us that in addition to missing the rose ceremony, we may have also missed the remaining men flying to some other country and/or city for these dates.

So all of the songs are terrible.  Flashdance wanted to make his song better than Nick’s because he doesn’t like the dude, but we are not sure he accomplished that mission.  Ian the Hotness chokes, singing barely loud enough to hear and then, in a disturbing little clip, berates himself for failing.   Justin sings something about eyes that sparkle like the sea.  JJ plays a guitar.  Bart Simpson swoops in for a kiss.  And then this happens:

Nick [who has taken Kaitlyn up to a balcony because OF COURSE he has]:  “We have such a great connection.  It gives me a huge [satellite interference].”
ABe:  “DID HE JUST SAY ERECTION?!?”

We have no words, in addition to no picture.

Now we are at some kind of “Texas ranch and goat place,” so maybe we are just in Texas instead of in A Foreign Land (although that is really The Same Thing).  Ian the Hotness is talking to Nick about how he thinks he should maybe go home.  We think he should maybe go home if he is now confiding in Nick. 

And then we have no satellite feed again, which means THE SATELLITE HAS EATEN THE DATE WITH CALVIN HARRIS.  We will cut that satellite like our neighbor dennis, as soon as it is safe to climb up on the roof.  We imagine ourselves being Smote by a Lightning Bolt and think there would be no better ending to the BNU.   We further imagine our epitaph:  Authoress of Blog, Stricken Down By God.

We are still steaming over the loss of the date with Calvin Harris when the television decides to join us once again at a cocktail party, pre-rose ceremony.  Goodness, there are two rose ceremonies in this one episode?  We are mostly concerned about the following:  

    

   1.  Flashdance has shaved only the bottom half of his head like he is in a boy band and it is terrible.

2.  The dentist is wearing “a movie theater usher jacket,” concludes KMu.  This is terrible.

At least Kaitlyn is wearing clothes.  That’s a bonus.

As the satellite begins to cut out again, we see that Ian is saying something awful that is enraging Kaitlyn.  From previews, we suspect he is telling her that he questions his intentions.  BMa, helpfully saving the day via text, tells us that the following sentence was also uttered: “Being with me is like a gift you unwrap for life.”  Ha ha ha  oh no.

As this date ends, ABC tells us:  “Coming up next Monday, [SATELLITE INTERFERENCE.]

Rage.

KLo.  

Tiny Dancer Part 4: A Parting of the Ways

Where last we left off, Clint was confident that he was going to get a rose at the next rose ceremony, but The Tiny Dancer was marching over to Cut Him like this Viewer’s Former Neighbor Dennis.   And so that is where we find ourselves, on the episode that *spoiler alert* ruins it all for This Viewer.

As Kaitlyn tries to talk about their relationship Clint begins talking about JJ:  “We have grown very very very very very very close.  He is like my best best best best best best friend.”  Kaitlyn tells him that this is not about JJ, that she no longer trusts Clint, and then cuts him.  And then, in her the first stunning display of poor judgment since agreeing to be on this show, she marches Clint back into the house to “say goodbye to everyone” like a child who must put back the sweets he stole.    This is a very bad idea.

Clint is humiliated, unnecessarily.  And then JJ, who is in the middle of telling everyone that he will always have Clint’s back, turns on him:  “I think you need to apologize for taking everyone’s emotional energy.” 

One of our neicelets recently drew the instrument that best describes JJ in this moment:

Yes, Babies, I am sure we are all thinking the same thing:  Wow, that is the World’s Tiniest Violin.

 Michael Scott from the Office says:  “If it is possible to not like JJ more, I did in that moment.  Because if you are going to be a [Violin], be a [Violin].  But don’t be a [Violin] and then throw your best friend under the bus.  That just makes you an unloyal [Violin].

Clint is stunned, and furious.  He and JJ have a horrible break up in the hallway, where Clint rages at JJ for not backing him up, and then forces JJ to walk off first By Virtue Of His Sheer Male Rage.   JJ cries in the bushes, and we are all relieved.  Except, Kaitlyn is crowing about how “there is not one part of me that thinks I made a wrong decision” and we Feel Sad Inside because the Only part of this she handled well was the part where she decided to let him go.   Every other decision surrounding that one was a bad one.

Says Michael Scott:  “Bro-Back mountain did not go well.  Clint quit him, and it was hard.”

The bottom line for this evening is that after The Breakup, Kaitlyn decides to keep all of the men until the next rose ceremony.  Everyone feels pretty “Meh” about this, however, because JJ is still around.  JJ, for his part, clarifies to the camera that “from this point on,” he is looking for a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.  We still hope he gets the axe.

We cannot even muster excitement when Chris Harrison jumps out of the hallway and announces that the men are going on a “trip around the world, starting in New York.”

But off we go, to New York City.  As they approach the Knickerbocker Hotel in Times Square, some dude says, “I can’t believe this place has been reopened after 94 years!”

“Don’t you love it when one of these guys throws out a random factoid that they couldn’t possibly know?” says KMu. 

As they lounge in an elegant room like so many dogs on a couch, the first date card comes for Justin the personal trainer, John Legend, Ben the Trainer, Corey, some dude named Ryan, Michael Scott, JJ, and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  “Let’s keep our love Fresh, Love Kaitlyn.”  Says the card.

John Legend is intrigued:  “So many things going through my head!  Like, are we going to take a shower?”

Really?  REALLY?

Kaitlyn meets them at some warehouse, where she announces that they are going to have a surprise guest and we all hope to god it is Amy Schumer announcing that she will travel with the group for the rest of the season.  But no, it is Doug. E. Fresh., who raps for them as John Legend Fan Girls out, and then comes down from the stage to announce that the men are going to RAP BATTLE.

Where the Hell is ABe? We want to know.  She has abandoned us for the evening, thereby preserving her graphic designer mind from exploding at the sight of this:

KMu is having a seizure on the sofa, something about “Fresh Prince” and “intern put that together” and “are those bullet holes.”

After an awkward advising session, we begrudgingly discover that Ben the Personal Trainer is still hot even with a pencil behind his ear, and also, that good god they are in front of a HUGE NYC audience. 

Gentle Readers, we like to think that We would Rock This Challenge, having historically written such Top 40 hits as “Suck your Toe All the Way to Mexico” and The Baryshnikov Rap (“There was a dude, from Russia he defected, New York City, He E-FFected (uh-huh uh-huh)”).  However, these men are not blessed with the Lyrical Genius of this Author, and therefore we are met with the following;

Ben the Trainer to Michael Scott:  “1, 2, 3, 8, I’m gonna knock you out like a first date.  This.  Me. Naturally.  Even with steroids you won’t look like me.”

Michael Scott right back:  “She’s too small for you bro.  She can fit in your pocket. Plus for a big guy you have a very tiny rocket.”

Says Kaitlyn, for all of us:  “I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with two guys in khakis.”

So Corey, who we have not paid any attention to until this moment but who is apparently from NYC, does pretty well on this challenge.  JJ, who manages to call the entire audience “Hos,” does not. But then this happens and THIS VIEWER’S MIND IS BLOWN:

Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris to Justin the Trainer:  “First things first let’s get this out of the way.  Your hair, just ask, I’ll help you one day.  You say you are a personal trainer.  Your body.  My body.  No brainer.” 

This Viewer making notes: clicky clicky click.

Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend:  Lifts Shirt.

This Viewer:   Clickity- [silence]

“Whoa.”

Says Kaitlyn, for All of Us: “I forgot every word that came out of [The Boyfriend’s] mouth after he flashed his abs.”

Anyway, we are no longer caring about the Rap Battle, both because we keep seeing Evil Nick from Season Prosecutrix in the audience (wtf), and also because he is with FRAN KARDASHIAN, who is wearing the same outfit that Kim Kardashian wore to her wedding rehearsal dinner.    Funny thing (not so much):  Kaitlyn and Nick allegedly struck up a friendship over social media shortly before she got picked to be the bachelorette, but never met.  So he has flown from Chicago to see her, since the idea that she could “potentially have gotten engaged” before the met, “bugged him.”

This man is Premeditated Creepy.  We are pretty sure that he reached out to her on social media because he made a reasoned assumption that she would, in fact, be the next Bachelorette.  Says KMu: “It’s not that he wanted to meet her.  It’s that he wanted to meet her ON ABC.”  

Nick makes a bid to stay, swoops in for a kiss that literally leaves this Author screaming on the sofa, and then watches his work with satisfaction as Kaitlyn hand-wrings about whether to bring him on the show.  KMu and this Author are furious, as Kaitlyn should have never gone ON this show if there was someone else that she was more interested in.

We want to shake the Tiny Dancer, who continues her run of Epically Bad Decisions by then announcing the following to the other men on the group date:  “Before I came on this show, I was already talking to a guy from another season and now he wants to come on the show.  And I realize this is going to cause some serious problems.  But I don’t want you to think I disrespect you.”

“That could not have been delivered any worse,” says KMu.

Way to make every single one of them feel worthless, Kaitlyn.   Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris asks some pointed questions that cause Kaitlyn to divulge that it is Nick from Season Prosecutrix, and then For All Of Us, asks:  “Are you confident in what is here?  Are you looking for more?”  The other men are completely offended.  As Michael Scott notes, it’s not simply that she is struggling with this decision, but also that the particular guy is Nick Who Slept With the Prosecturix and then Discussed It On National Television. Which makes him a Grade A Scumbag, and makes Michael Scott question Kaitlyn’s judgment for even entertaining the idea of bringing the guy on the show at this juncture.

Kaitlyn trips outside to tell Nick that she needs to “think about it” and he Moves In For the Kill:

Nick:  “Are you cold?” [Smack. Slobber. Smooch.]

Her: “Why now? Like why now???”

Him:  “It’s authentic.  It’s genuine!  It felt right!”

We vomit inside our mouths.

Justin the Trainer gets the rose on this date, for being the only person who says “well if it’s something you need to explore, then go do it.”  Michael Scott notes that this is probably the most meaningless rose given “in the history of the show.”  We are pretty sure that was the last rose given by Bob Guiney in season How Many Women Could He Sleep With, but duly noted.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has come for Just Jared: “Let’s reimagine the night we first met.”  It says.  We don’t even care. Lo, for as Just Jared is giddily preparing for his date, Kaitlyn is secretly meeting with Nick BEFORE the date, and after her hair appointment with Crazy Eyes from season McConaughey, randomly doing a cameo here.

“Oh, I’ve never had that feeling of instant connection before!” says Kaitlyn.
“That’s lust,” says Crazy Eyes.  “And you need more than that.  Like Friendship.”

Crazy Eyes for the Win. 

But Kaitlyn doesn’t listen.  Instead, she meets Nick on a streetcorner in the sleety snow, they kiss, and she says she is “going to be selfish and keep” him.  Idiot.

Okay, so off we go to the date with Just Jared, for whom we now just feel sorry.   And then we really feel sorry for him when Kaitlyn walks down the MET stairs in a leotard affixed with polyester grandma sleeves, affixed with lace.  

“Words do not do justice, the way Kaitlyn looks tonight.”  Says Just Jared, For All Of Us.

Babies, Kaitlyn has the backside of a 100 year old ballet teacher.

Every other aspect of this date is equally sad.  The whole time Just Jared is pouring out his heart to Kaitlyn, she is thinking about Nick.   And then when she has an opportunity to ask a question, she asks about the other men in the house, soliciting a hurt reaction from Just Jared (justifiably).  ABC tries to clean this up by showing Just Jared rapidly reading some kind of free form poem he wrote and reassuring Kaitlyn that he will be there for her after she gets this thing out of her system with Nick.  

But we don’t even care.  Kaitlyn is dead to us.  

He gets the rose after a romantic helicopter ride that still doesn’t make us feel any better.

Finally, date card #3 arrives for Hot Ian, The Dentist, Bart Simpson, Flashdance, and Other Ben, who we are developing a crush on.  The card says “Let’s play.”   This card arrives after Kaitlyn has also informed the men of her decision to keep Nick, which makes Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris pretty pissed, and everyone else fall into an awful silence.

Under this cloud, Kaitlyn takes us all to the Theater, where the men must audition for Aladdin.

“God I hope I get it.  I hope I get it.  How many people do they need?” sings this Viewer.
“How many boys .How many girls???” queries KMu.

“I really NEED this Job.  I hope I GET THIS JOB!!!!” 

Blah blah the men learn how to dance and sing “I can show you the world,” which we all hate.  Ian the Hotness is the only person who can sing, except he ruins it by talking about how excited he is to show Kaitlyn that he has that skill.   Finally, they learn how to ride the secret elevator in order to pop out on stage:

“The trick to riding one of these is don’t look down or up. Just look straight ahead,” says the dance master.
“That’s what she said,” says KMu.

The Dentist wins more time with Kaitlyn on this date by committing most intensely to the role of Street Thief Turned Lover.  “I have sung this song [A whole new world] in the shower, and in the car.  I actually WANT to sing this song to Kaitlyn and pretend we’re on a magic carpet ride!!”

“He is not straight,” says KMu.

After appearing for a nanosecond on Broadway as extras in Aladdin, this date ends at the New Years Eve ball in Times Square.  The Dentist gets the rose.

Meanwhile, ABC is filming Nick walk with his suitcase towards the hotel where the other men are staying.   And walk.  And walk.  And walk through the square.  And walk down a sidewalk. 

“What is this, Forest Gump?” queries KMu.  “He’s changed outfits like, two times on this walk it is taking so long.”

Finally Nick arrives at the hotel. As the door closes behind him, ABC fades to black.   We know that this is the part that we are supposed to say "oooo!!!" except we don't feel it.  Because we have parted ways with Kaitlyn and frankly, think she deserves whatever mess Nick is going to manipulate her into.

As the credits roll, and because this episode could not get any worse or more boring, we see Britt and Brady frolicking at the beach during the credits.  Both of them in skinny clothes, hers with the knees ripped out. He tells her this has been “one of the most beautiful times of my life,” and she insincerely 

says that she would not be dating him if she didn’t think she could marry him. 

We have heard that the American People are slowly losing intelligence over the generations, and only become more depressed, as we don't want that particular market to crash just yet.

 -KLo.

Tiny Dancer Part 3: An Unexpected Love Story

Babies, we are On The Twitters!! You know, 15 years later than everyone else.  You can find us at https://twitter.com/bnu_klo.  We don’t really know what we are going to do with The Twitters yet (we will definitely not be live tweeting this show because Ugh, and also, No), but suspect It Shall Gently Evolve.   Or Not.

 So Tiny Dancer Part 3 begins with a discussion between This Viewer and KMu’s young wombfruit, EMu, as we are looking at our notes from last week:

EMu:  “Auntie KLo (this is literally what she calls Us):  Why doesn’t the girl you drew have a face?”
KLo:  “I didn’t get to it.  Would you like to add one for me?”
EMu:  “Ok.  Auntie KLo, I’m going to draw her a friend.”

EMu:  “Look, I drew her pregnant!  And in the same outfit!”

EMu may have just drawn the existential embodiment of the Tiny Dancer’s future. We ponder this as  KMu sweeps her off to bed and we begin the Actual Show, in which we left LL Cool J screaming about getting the axe.  Essentially, he is badly behaved. Kaitlyn – who just had a Jenner named after her – marches outside and wants to know what the ruckus is about.  LL Cool J immediately calms down:  “Give me a second.  I didn’t know you were coming…. Yeah, I was screaming.  Sorry about that.”

Gentle readers, he wanted to “Come here.  To open Myself Up.  To Falling. In Love.  With a girl.” 

He says this all so painfully that we know it is not true.  In any event, Kaitlyn tells LL Cool J that he is now creating an uncomfortable situation and his tantrums are not going to change her decision.  So he throws some more tantrums (“This SUCKS. I don’t even like her!”) and goes home.  Yawn.

Our Tiny Dancer is upset, as she has already “has feelings” for these guys.  But Somehow, She Triumphs Over The Pain to pick the following beef patties (joining JJ MotherPucker, Ben the Personal Trainer, and Clint, all of whom got roses last week):

1. Just Jared

2.  Other Ben

3.  Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris

4.  John Legend

5.  Michael Scott

6.  The Dentist

7.  Ryan, whoever he is

8.  Justin the personal trainer

9.  Ian the Hotness

10.  Flashdance

11 .Bart Simpson

12. One of the Coreys

13.  The Healer

We are a little sad that The Healer progresses to the next round.  He informs us that he has “stepped away from my business and my bonsai trees and my dog” for this.  And also, he “has the heart of a warrior and the eyes of the child . . . I am here to make people think about what they really want.”

You know, that last part is true.  This Author and her sisters each carry the honor of having been engaged once before actually getting married to someone else.  And we can tell you that staring down the Cold Hard Barrel of Forever Saddled to a Twit causes an otherwise Somewhat Optimistic Lady to get real, Real Fast, about what Said Lady actually deserves in life.  So clearly, the Healer has a Higher Purpose here. 

One of the Corys and the fashion designer go home.

Suddenly we are at the next morning. As the men snore off their rose ceremony indulgences, two perfectly enormous sumo wrestlers ride up to their house on tiny bicycles and wake them up with GONGS.   Meet Byamba, a four time sumo champion and Yama, a 600 lb sumo wrestler who “also won some stuff,” says Chris Harrison.  We feel bad for Yama.  But JJ Motherpucker is excited because he “Loves Japanese culture… . like Sushi.”  Headdesk.

So this date is for Clint, The Dentist, The Healer, JJ Motherpucker, Bart Simpson, and maybe Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris?  We can’t tell.   All we know is that they are putting on their Mawashi and JJ MotherPucker is asking for a Large.  We hate him.  

Babies, lets just call The Mawashi what it is: A Thong.   But it is more than that.  The mawashi is the symbolic representation of what an Actual Thong Feels Like to an Actual Woman, who uses The Thong to avoid A Panty Line in exchange for the feeling that she has a rolled up Sunday newspaper Jammed In The Back Door. 

We hate The Thong while recognizing its utility.   

As the men take off their robes, Kaitlyn concludes that they all look “sexy” in their mawashi.  Except for the Healer, who apparently is a Buttless Wonder, and Bart Simpson, whose left testicle is roaming free.  In an outtake, someone offers to spray sunscreen on it.

ABe is traumatized:  “What is up with the Dentist?  Is that a necklace of teeth around his neck??”

As predicted, the sumo wrestlers throw every man out of the ring.  Except somehow, the Healer believes he will be excepted.  While he is normally “peaceful,” he says he would be “absolutely terrified if I was the other guy.”   Naturally, he loses in about 2 seconds and then storms off in a fit of embarrassment.  Except he doesn’t call it that:

The Healer to Kaitlyn:  “Why do we have to have a show of aggression on every date.  I am loving.  I have the heart of a warrior and the [blah blah blah] of a gypsy.”

JJ MotherPucker:  [confronting him]:  “You are stressing Kaitlyn out!”

The Healer:  “Get the F* out of here.”

KMu:  “Can I just say that I love that this is happening with diapers on?”

As the Healer complains to Ian The Hotness about how he has worked “very hard in his advancement emotionally, spiritually, and physically” and doesn’t want to return to his “baser instincts,”  Ian The Hotness suggests he might nonetheless want to take a different approach.   Kaitlyn finds him.

The Healer:  “I have a lot to offer.”

KMu:  “Wait, did he just WIGGLE HIS PECS?” 

We rewind.  It is true, and it proceeds to happen again two more times before we are finally done with The Healer, who decides not to continue with the date.  He proclaims that he “can’t sit here and do this shit anymore”  and that he is “here for love… but love can only be real when it is shared.”  As he insists he is “not a quitter,” he packs his belongings and leaves.  Thank god.

Meanwhile, this date progresses to an “exhibition” in which the men fight in their thongs.   We think Clint ultimately wins, and we don’t like him for talking selfies with a group of women in the audience.   Except suddenly, we are confused because it is now nighttime, and Kaitlyn has changed into leather pants and, we suspect, a mawashi.

ABe says, for all of us:  “I didn’t know you could be human and have knees that skinny.”

 The Healer comes from nowhere, offers Kaitlyn a flower, and says he is leaving but he is “easily found” if she wishes to explore something with him.  We secretly think she is relieved.  But ABe continues to be distracted:

ABe:   “I am really not into the Dentist.  He looks like a vampire.”

KMu:  “Well, you previously thought he was a cannibal, so….”

The big story on this part of the date is that Clint decides to stop pursuing Kaitlyn because he thinks that if SHE wants to get to know HIM more, she will “make an effort” and also, he has apparently never seen this show.   Ultimately, Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend Calvin Harris swoops in on Kaitlyn, tells her that it “never happens that he’s fallen so hard, so fast for someone” and gets the rose on this date.  Well played, Calvin.   

Just like that, an Individual Date is upon us.  Kaitlyn receives a date card from Chris Harrison saying that HE has planned this date, and so she must get to the mansion to find out who he has selected.  Turns out it is the “babe soda” (Kaitlyn’s words), Ben the Personal Trainer.

Turns out, this date is in a dark secret room.  Once they go inside, they will be locked in, and “must find the clues to escape.”  Kaitlyn opens the door and a pigeon flies out screaming ‘I AM A MOTHER FUCKING BIRD.”   She completely loses her cool.  We refuse to criticize, as dear baby jesus, if our brother-in-law’s parrot swoops in on us one more time in the kitchen, it is going to meet a quick death at the end of a frying pan.  40-Love, Babies.

In any event, the room is filled with pigeons and scorpions and a creepy dude writhing on a bed and SNAKES IN A TOILET and all sorts of nasty.   Kaitlyn screams and hides behind Ben the Personal Trainer for 45 minutes as he tries to find the clues and get them the hell out of there. 

“I’ll be the man.  Who will fight. For your honor.”  Quietly sings KMu.
“I’ll be the hero… YOU’RE DREAMING OF.” Joins ABe.
Now in Harmony: (because the BNU is two-thirds Mennonite and that is what we do):
“We’ll live together.  Knowing forever that we. Did it All.  For the GLORY OF LOVE.” 

Yet, while we appreciate Ben’s heroics, we think that Kaitlyn could perhaps find the ovaries to think herself out of this little box too.  We stew in our enragement about passive women everywhere until we come to the room full of snakes, where they have to fish a box out of a poop filled toilet. 

So this Viewer once faced Great Adversity, also known as The Pantry Moth Situation of 2013.  After slowly ceding our entire pantry to The Moth over the course of the summer, we finally declared defeat and watched our husband clean every corner of the kitchen while we sympathy puked at the table.  And so, we understand why, in this particular instance, Kaitlyn might let Ben fish the box from the poop toilet. 

The get out of there, and as Ben hugs Kaitlyn, he says “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
KMu: “Bull.  She literally would have died in there.”
Not unlike This Viewer, eaten by moths.

Blah blah this date ends back at her place, where they have ordered pizza and we learn that Ben is only 26 years old.  ABe and this Viewer cannot get over it.   Ben talks about the death of his mother and his difficulty showing emotion because of it.   He gets the rose on this date.

Finally, the last group date is upon us.  “Let’s learn to love” says the Card.  We don’t really know what to say about this date, which is teaching sex education to a group of child actors posing as children at school.

KMu:  “This isn’t literally the part of the show where she has sex, right?”

Flashdance: “I learned everything I knew from watching cows.”

ABe:  “He’s so cute!!!”

Basically, every actual name for a body part is bleeped out of this date, because apparently you can show an entire naked woman on television these days but you can’t talk about her parts.   The men display a depressing lack of knowledge about certain items, and an inability to explain others, until Other Ben reasonably explains reproduction and we all breathe a sigh of relief.

After this trauma, everyone goes drinking around a bonfire.  Flashdance steals Kaitlyn away (“So where can I take a pretty girl around here?” and admits that he didn’t have his first kiss until college.

“Neither did I” says this Viewer.

“REALLY?” says KMu.

We are not sure if KM is surprised that ALL THIS is not for everyone’s taste, or alternatively, that we made up for lost time thereafter (mere field research for This Blog.  You are Welcome.). 

Other Ben ends up winning the rose on this the date.  He sweeps Kaitlyn off her feet on a roof top – something about his best friend starting a non-profit, and then him going back and forth to Honduras.  Kaitlyn concludes that he is “romantic, passionate, AND knows how to kiss!”

Meanwhile back at the ranch, JJ Motherpucker and Clint have grown very close.   Bart Simpson says, for all of us, “These guys are so into each other that the don’t even realize.”  They are talking about turtles in the hot tub.  They are cuddling on the couch in their swimsuits.   Clint is playing the guitar as he looks  soulfully towards JJ.

Clint:  “I’ve connected with JJ more than Kaitlyn.  Probably because we’re too similar. We’ve grown too close, almost too close before.  Like in the bedroom.  And the shower. “

More Clint: “The possibility of coming on the Bachelor and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind. But I believe in process, and at this point, I am a success story.”

Yet more Clint:  [Insert joke about unzipping their pants].

We at the BNU are Speechless. 

Except we get the uncomfortable feeling that, not unlike lesbians hiding at a Christian camp, Clint is further out of the closet than JJ.  Or alternatively, Clint may be the only one in the closet and JJ is actually straight.  Regardless of what is going on here, we get concerned that Clint has decided he needs to get a rose because he wants to stay in the house and keep getting to know JJ.

We are now at the rose ceremony, and Kaitlyn is wearing black with spangles and mesh.  Meh.    However, she is concerned because 13 of the 15 guys remaining, have ALL said something to her about Clint not being there “for the right reasons.”   She informs Flashdance that if he has anything to say to Clint, he better say it now because Clint won’t be around after (ooooo)….. but we don’t actually see what happens. 

Alas, ABC has told us it is “to be continued.”  All we DO know is that next week, Nick from Season Prosecutrix shows back up.   

Larvea,

KLo.