Miss J, Eh Part 2: The Rise of Jake the Pilot

We interrupt this program with a Special Bulletin from the BNU: Our intrepid viewer, KMu, turns 30 today. Welcome to the clubhouse, girl. We heart you.

So apparently, ABC has taken the approach to Miss J that this viewer's father took to sheparding multiple children through the drivers' education years: let's stick that baby in the biggest boat on wheels. Yes we know the car "theme" for this season is the "American Classic" (read: 1952 Chevy). But we KNOW that somewhere in California or Pleasure Island or wherever ABC has its offices, there is an executive screaming, "I'll be BILLY BE DAMNED if I am going to rent a lambourghini for a chick!!!!" Well, whatever. They have spray-painted it electric purple, so I guess that's fine.


And off we are to episode #2. Convertible boat car. Jillian driving and winking. Best dress ever. And . . . . the ruins of an aquaduct by the pool. OMG, I didn't know they were in ancient Rome!


So the guys are moving in. And they are all traumatized because they have to live in the "bunkhouse," which would only be better if there were *actual* bunkbeds. And also, if it had the "swamp" like the dorms had at camp when this viewer was a child: a toilet filed with dirt and crabgrass. But some dude is lifting weights with one hand and drinking beer with the other. So we are pretty sure that they are all going to fit right in, regardless of what they say.


Gather around children, for Chris Harrison is about to go over The Rules. There shall be two group dates and an individual date. But oh oh oh, not everyone gets a date. We almost don't care because Tannest is wearing the deepest v-neck ever and we are pretty sure he waxes.


And just like that, we are off to date # 1: Our girl Miss J is already drinking by the pool when Michael the b boy, Brad the financial dude, Brian the IT guy a/k/a Barry Manilow, Sasha a/k/a Captain America, Tannest, Wes the country singer (ew), Ed the IT guy, and Mattheu show up. "She's all in a bikini. And I'm like 'whooooaaa," says b boy. Well, thank GOD he speaks with his BODY. Captain America gets the sunscreen honors and we are all gratuitously treated to a close-up of Miss J's abs of steel. We will never go on this show. Never ever ever. Oh, but if Miss J gives a rose, "where's she gonna pin it?" Only Matheu knows, as he wiggles his pectoral man flesh.


B boy steals Miss J for a little 1:1 and is working his magic up in the balcony: "Oh, you are so easy. . . . you smelled so good last night. . . . what was that?" "Eau de heron?" proposes Miss J and we heart her once again, although she immediately loses all manner of point by concluding that B boy, also, is easy to talk to and attractive. For his part, B boy stares blankly like, "oh, I'm gonna get me some of that smell." Sigh. "I'll be right back," says Jillian. Noooooooooo!!!! She canNOT be giving b boy the safety rose. He is peeing himself with excitement up on the balcony, the boys down by the pool are sad, and Miss J takes the rose and . . . gets in a car and drives off. Run, Lola, Run. Finally, a bachelorette with some brains.


Alas, Chris Harrison decides to take us back to 1991 as he surfaces in a HOODY rugby and tells the boys that the "race for Jillian's heart is just beginning." In the words of Ricky Bobby, these boys need to drive. They need speed. They need to go out there like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell. And they need to win. So off everyone goes in their swimsuits and barefeet/cowboy boots to the front gate, where four mini-coopers await with a a lockbox and bucket of keys. Okay, we all know that nekkid and socks is not good. What we did not realize is that swimsuit and cowboy boots is worse, sort of like what the 2 year old wears to church after his mother has given up.


As everyone is trying to figure out which key fits the lockbox, somebody (Captain America?) smashes his box and gets the clue inside. Point 1: Neanderthals. Brian Manilow is "lookin forward to makin a mockery of these dudes." B boy and Tannest get all skreetchity and decide to turn right out of the driveway because "everyone else turned left."
No one opens their map.
We almost don't want to comment on the perfection that is this moment. May be circle be unbroken, babies.

So Miss J shows up at a jewelry store in her swimsuit, because that wouldn't be uncomfortable, and calls the boys to check on them. "OHMYGODYAYAYYAAWHOOAAUGHAUGHAHHHH" is all we hear from the Tannest/b boy car. B boy also "peed a little in his swimsuit." We are sensing a theme with him. Anyhow, team Ed and Brian Manilow make it to the first location, some sort of restaurant, first. They find matching tuxedos in the hallway and start changing for their next challenge: a showchoir rendition of Mood Indigo (sing with me: "You've got . .. that mood indigo . . ." ). Okay not really but that would have been awesome. The next clue is, "If you want to win Jillian's heart, you've got to lay it on the line." So the boys are looking outside at the pavement, in the closet, at the food. .. And we are screaming "the LINE COOKS you morons!" Our friend Chef GBe would be so proud, but wow, we have to step away from the birthday cupcakes. Brian Manilow, standing on the other side of said line, is like "ooo, tequila!"

Yet miraculously, team Ed/Brian Manilow are the first to appear at stop #2: the jewely store, where the boys get to pick out a necklace for J to wear. We aren't sure who is second anymore, but Team Wes/Brad is third and has to rock/paper/scizzors for the necklace because they can't agree. But off we go to the next clue: "It's time to put some spring in your step."

Which leads us to . . . .Gringots. We are not sure why we are here, but daaaaaamn one of the boys opening the vault has the Worst Scrotee Ever. And then we realize, Miss J is LOCKED IN THE VAULT. If this story ended, "where she was found, days later, half eaten by wild dogs," it would be this viewer's dating story. Fortunately/Unfortunately, as Mr. Scrotee peels back the vault door, Jillian shimmers out of the darkness in a total Free Makeover dress. Once when this viewer was 16, we went to a fancy salon in Boston with a coupon she found for a "free makeover," including hair cut, skin inspection, and "makeup application." We left feeling pretty good about ourselves, having chopped off a foot of her hair and gotten all makeupy. After walking half a mile home through the social center of the community, we then realized that we had 12 inches of hair hanging off our backside. And that, my friends, is Jillian's dress.

As Miss J surfaces, we think "ooo, shiny!" and "ooo, satiny!" and then "omg, WTF is she doing with the assymetrical boob flaps." We understand that this dress is trying to say "peel back my satin exterior and I am all rhinestones, baby." But what we get is "my right boob is bigger than my left boob and now you can't look away either."

Anyway, team Wes/Brad makes it to her first. As between you and me, this viewer would just go back in the vault. But she picks Wes to have dinner with, who gives her a harness of diamonds. We are not even going to comment on how much we don't like this necklace because we don't like Wes more. "There's something really great about Wes that I am really attracted to," says Miss J. ARGH.

Wes, gentle readers, is "gonna finish that song for you, J, and it's gonna be really good." Wes has had "three girlfriends in his entire life," but admittedly, a "few" ladies inbetween. Wes describes life on the road. Wes is "probably the most easiest guy you'll ever know," Jillian babe. Wes doesn't ask a SINGLE QUESTION. We do NOT like Wes. Though in fairness, we think Brad is developing a cold sore that we cannot look away from almost as much as we cannot look away from the Free Makeover Dress, so really we cannot blame her. Except did she really have to kiss Wes? Ew.

So by now, the other guys are watching the Jillian - Wes date on televison. "Nooooo" they scream as she gives Wes a rose. "You seem like a bad guy. That scares me a little bit. But not enough to let you go," says she. Hm, maybe the fifth of gin he downs in the limo on the way back to her place will change that. We are sad that Wes is going to live in the mansion with Jillian for the remainder of the week, but not as sad as Brad "if it weren't for me (and my cold sore), Wes would not have won this competition" sore loser financial guy.

Meanwhile, back at the bunkhouse, date box #2 has arrived for . . . Jake the Pilot!!!! JuanyOnly wants to know if the name is misspelled. Oh ha ha JuanyOnly. We know you're the "Juan to watch," the "Juan that I want (doo doo doo, honey)," and my personal favorite, "Cujuando, Cujuando Cujuando . . ." Okay I can't think of any more. Anyway, we have been previously suspicious of Jake the Pilot and his cheesy romanticism, but we are willing to give him another chance. Jillian, for her part, wants to see if he has that "spicy X factor" that she needs or if she is too conservative and vanilla. Um, Big Daddy, Jillian?

So Miss J takes Jake the Pilot to a country western store. She does the "calgary stampede" every year, babies. She likes her some country music (that's our girl). So she wants to see if he can get in the mode, or "unbutton those buttons and shake it loose."

We suddenly flash to Bathroom Stall Entrapment. We realize this is off-topic. But we know (all of us) that there is nothing worse than being trapped on the other side of that cheap metal barrier from a person who is both singing show tunes and has eaten cheetos for breakfast. We shall encourage that person to "unbutton those buttons and shake it loose" henceforth.

Anyhow, we are too distracted by the sea of flesh that is Jake's chest to file away any more useful comments. Oh sweet jesus. And also, he opens the door for her on their way to the House of Blues. And . . . he knows how to two-step. Really, really well. OMG, Jake the pilot we are so surprised and also a little in love even if you may not have snap. Jake the Pilot asks QUESTIONS. And he poses a hypothetical of waffles in belgium (we had a belgian waffle for our prom meal. True story). And he PLANTS ONE on her. OMG, we have swooned into a puddle in the middle of the Mus living room. . . . only to swoon again when Martina McBride comes out to sing and Jake dances with Jillian and kisses her hand and then says to the camera that he just wants her to be happy. Miss J says she feels like she's going to faint. You and me both, sister.

We do not possibly know how the next group date could be any more awesome than this one, and in fact have completely missed the names of the boys on this date, though we know they include the Teabagger, Kiptyn, JuanyOnly, Mike the Baller, David the Trucker, Jesse the Winemaker, and some other ones? "Let's play some ball," says the note.

David the Trucker, in a phrase, is completely freaked by JuanyOnly's sexuality. "He's lacking in testosterone, man" says David. Therefore, he's not going to do well at sports, we suppose. And turns out -- David is right. The gents play basketball with Jillian, and JuanyOnly both lifts Jillian to make a basket . . . then drops her and nearly tramples her to death. David is feeling The Rage (someone is missing his steroids), but JuanyOnly insists that he set her down gently, "like a butterfly." But oh oh oh the harlem globetrotters come to play!! We love them!! We would totally be the old woman standing at the top of the hill watching this game. Sadly, David Road Rage Trucker is selected by ye globetrotters as the person best for Jillian. He gets a jersey that says "Special K." Ooooo!!! This was our nickname in 4th grade!! "Sadly, my nickname was Hootie" says KMu.

Okay, so we're not sure really what happens next because we are still recovering from Jake the Pilot, but we think everyone goes to the ocean for sunset, as Mike the Baller runs into the water in his speedo and that DOES catch our attention ha cha cha. Then we have some sort of dinner or drinks by the pool, where JuanyOnly sparks David's Rage by allegedly faking drinking a shot. JuanyOnly also works his magic in a little 1:1 with Miss J:
"You're so adorable. "You were on the beach. The sun was so pretty. And your eyes were so green and pretty."
Says David Road Rage Trucker: "Guys like that should get beat up. Let's tie him to a tree. He's totally breaking the Man Code." Oh, right, Dan Brown's long lost sequel to Da Vinci.

We wish David RR Trucker and JuanyOnly would just make out and be done with it.

So blah blah we have some more 1:1 times with Kiptyn and then Mike the Baller gets the Safety Rose. We admit the Mike is growing on us, but not as much as Jake the Pilot (sweet sweet Jesus).

And here we are at the Rose Ceremony, which is good because we are going to be late for work so we must make this quick. Tannest is aggressively pursuing his goal of "seeing Jillian in open toed shoes." He manages to completely freak her out, "Dude, I love feet. They are phenomenal," as he claws her foot into his lap and will not let it go. Miss J finally makes the connection between creepy Rose Ceremony #1 moment at the pool and this Creepy Rose Ceremony moment, but laughs it off with a "who has the worst feet in the bunkhouse?" We are a little scared when Tannest says "Sasha. His feet are hairy." with such seriousness that we KNOW he has secretly evaluated everyone's feet for their sexyness.

Wes is a tool, a thousand times over (we are sorry to be brief but we are really late crap crap crap). Robby the bartender, one of the only guys NOT to have gotten a date, makes his patented drink, the "Rosbo." Wes steals Miss J away from Robby with a "you cheatin on me?" and wants to talk about the "stage shirt" he's wearing. You know, the "kind that you where while you play." ahhahahahaa. David is going to kill JuanyOnly: "he's a fake."

And then: A hobo brings out the ballot box. Gentle readers, this is the job to which I aspire. This viewer's E! True Hollywood confession is that she wants to be the person to bring out the silver tray of roses, ballot box, etc etc. If ABC will pay a hobo $50 to do it, why can't this viewer? Anyway, the least popular dude, per votes in the ballot box, is going home. Oh oh oh who will it be? David RR Trucker is licking his lips with anticipation. As JuanyOnly steals more 1:1 time, He is all "If I had seen that guy outside, I would have broken both his knees. He's breaking the Man Code." Blah blah Brian Manilow strips naked and jumps in the pool because he is "hung like a lightswitch" and that should impress Miss J or something. We are not quite sure how the nakedness fits into the ballot making, other than a failed attempt at comic relief, and then we learn that the 3 guys with the most "Top Tool" votes are:
3. Julienne, the restauranteur, who has not gotten a date so far.
2. David RR Trucker
1. JuanyOnly!!!! Ooooo, but Jillian saves him with a rose.

And to join Jake the Pilot, Mike the Baller, Wes the Tool, and JuanyOnly, Miss J picks:
1. Jesse the winemaker
2. David RR Trucker (wtf)
3. Ed the IT guy
4. Captain America
5. Mark? THere was a Mark on this show?
6. b boy
7. Tannest (wtf wtf wtf)
8. Kiptyn
9. Reid, who didn't get a date but got some 1:1 time
10. Robby the bartender
11. Tanner F (who also didn't get a date, we think)
12. Brad Cold Sore financial guy.

Damn, Jillian. We would have switched a bunch of these guys out for the ones you let go: Teabagger, Matheu, Julienne, and Brian Manilow (okay, not him). We are heartbroken a little for Matheu, who Jillian stops to emphasize he is a "nice guy," making things worse.

Sorry to cut this short, but stay tuned for next week, when Wes finally finishes his damn song and David goes on a rampage for JuanyOnly. . . . before they make the sweet sweet love (we suspect).

KLo

Miss J, Eh Part 1: Tool Time.

Okay, so um, we missed the first 10 minutes of the Miss J, Eh Season Opener because of a little dvr crisis. But we are confident that it went something like this: "Meet Jillian, watch her journey (everyone take a drink) until she got dumped that the alter (so to speak) by Big Daddy." All we know is that when we tuned in, **BAM** it was to Steve the attorney and his Forehead of Death. No no no no and why why why???? The lawyers are always the crazies. Oh well, at least we won't see him past episode 1, we are sure.

We slide down Steve's learned brow to Juan, aka, "Juan y Only." JuanyOnly is from Argheteena, babies. He is a general contractor by day, a mama's boy by night, and no, he is definately NOT gay not at all. His and the mom's business (she's the architect, he's the builder) is totally professional, which is why she brings him lunch, pesters him about grandchildren, and has the crazy dyed blonde hair and penciled-on eyebrows of "Maria in el Bario Sol." JuanyOnly thinks Miss J should join the family business because they "need an interior designer." sigh.

But then there is Mark, who runs a pizza parlour and is an "entrepreneur," read: I am looking for another job. And Kyle the graphic designer with the heinous clothing of skinny ties, thrift store finds, and bedhead hipster hair. We suspect he has a girlish giggle. But Miss J will love him, gentle readers, because he "looks good. Smells good. Makes love good." Too bad he also can't talk good. Oh, and Sasha, a/k/a Captain America, the 27 year old oil and gas consultant with the perfectly ginormous chin. What is up with the infants? Dear Miss J, don't date below your age ESPECIALLY if the boys are under 30.

It is like she heard our howls of protest, as the next man ABC offers up is Wes, a 32 year old . . . country western singer. Nooooooooooooooo. I mean, we love us some country because of our Michigan years, but "Wes" has the giant shirtpocket piping and is barefoot in a window warbling, "They say y y y, say y y y love, it don't come e-e-e- a - s-a-a-ay." Shoot us now. Unfortunately, it goes downhill further with Greg Bilbo, the "professional fitness model" with the spray tan and nastiness. Bilbo Baggins here thinks he's a "Perfect 10" ("That's right, I said it."). Tool.

Last but not least we have Jake the pilot, who appears on the scene to gasps from ABe and KMu. "I would eat those peanuts," sayeth KMu.

But more important than these Previews to the Manscape of Season J is Jillian herself, in quite possibly the Best Dress In Bachelorette History (all four seasons) We covet this dress. It is cream and schwoopy and has sequins in all the right places -- most importantly in what appears to be a stretch panel down the front. We vividly remember ERo boasting over the secret stretch panel in her pants over the weekend and realize that we have arrived, gentle readers. We have arrived at the age of Spanx, where we have "just the shoes" to go with that kicky little number and those shoes are flats. Where we think "oh that is useful" when faced with stretch paneling instead of "why would anyone ever want that?" And that is why we love this dress.

Our Lady of the Secret Stretch sits down with Chris Harrison for what has to be a speech prepared by Paula Abdul.
CH: "Did you ever think, in a million years, that you would ever come back."
Our Lady of SS: "never ever. In my whole life, I've been all over my career, thinking maybe I will attract someone. And then I different approach with Jason, 90 years old, deathbed, person going to be with me. Gotta slay some dragons and weather storms. Find Mr. Invisible. Bring us Prince charming." Is she drunk already?

And also, Dear Miss J: We don't think the menfolk would be happy with the nickname of "Mr. Invisible," even if it means something like you "haven't found him yet." Because menfolk name their bits, which only means the following is inevitable:
Man: "Can Mr. Invisible Come Play?"
J: "I thought he already was."

And then we have the ad break. Where KMu and ABe rewind and replay Jake the Pilot.

Suddenly, limo #1 is officially upon us. And it opens, or actually someone opens it:
KMu: "Hey, ABe, here's your POC (person of color)"
ABe: "Yeah, opening the limo?" [way to represent America, ABC]
So we have:
1. Kipyn, some sort of business entrepreneur who was obviously born in the '80s because no self-respecting mother of the 70's would name their child that.
2. Bryan the high school teacher and coach, with a total nod to Pinkie Le Chef of Season Double D with his electric hot pink shirt. He also loses major points for lifting Jillian.
3. John P of Indiana, who immediately defines our beloved state with a running commentary on hicks. Tool.
4. Brian the IT Consultant who is gonna "run inside and make a cocktail." We hope he also changes his awful lime green polka dot tie.
5. Jake the pilot (squeals from the peanut gallery on this one, but we are unconvinced). Jake gives Jillian a set of wings. "Take," he says, "take these broken wings. And learn to fly again, learn to live so free."
6. David the "trucking contractor" from Dayton, OH who completely goes silent for 13 Mississippis as he is introducing himself.
7. Tanner F from Denver. Okay, the fact that we have to go by last initials means there is more than one "tanner." WTF. Anyway, we don't know what he does; we are too blinded by his DARK LIME GREEN SHIRT to care.
8. Michael the breakdancing instructor. I don't know what to say, except that he is one shaved eyebrow away from Vanilla Ice.
9. Robby the bartender "by trade." He's got a "special drink for VIPs in his life" that he will "make for her," babies. Oh oh oh we know: 100 proof + a splash of Roofies? "Here grandma, this will help you sleep."
10. Speaking of 100 proof, John from Boise, ID comes stumbling out of of the limo in his purple electric shirt. What is this, the limo of many colors?
11. Captain America, who says he is from "Dallas" instead of admitting that he is really from "Tiki Island, Texas." We suspect this is because Tiki Island is what his mother named the drive up to their house.
12. Brad, a 27 year old financial advisor from Chicago. Meh.
13. Mathue, a 26 year old "personal trainer" with a hat signed by Alan Jackson and now . . . Miss J. We also don't like the spelling of his name, though we feel this would be justified if he were the middle child, such that his mother could say, "Mathue is the segue from child 1 to child 3."
14. Simon the soccer coach from Yorkshire England. We love that ABC gives us subtitles for him. Because he's English, and we apparently don't speak that in the U.S. (See, e.g. Kyle). He also announces that his mom brought him tea, so he'll go steep some for her. We will give him that because he is English and also, because we love tea.
15. Jesse the winemaker.
16. Julian aka Julienne the restauranteur.
17. Wes, in a velour jacket and jeans. Thanks for dressing up, Wes.
18. Kyle, in metallic pleather.
19. Adam the olympic cyclist in electric blue. WTF WTF WTF. We are going to take all of these men shopping.
20. Steve the lawyer. Nice knowing you, token JD.
21. JuanyOnly. "Como te ve," Juanito asks. We secretly wish she'd say "asi asi."
22. David Cook. Okay, Caleb the photographer but seriously you have to see this guy.
23. John the lifeguard, who looks sort of like James Dean but is a lifeguard.
24. Bilbo Baggins. Joining the "bachelors who don't talk good" camp, Bilbo says he's "been married 5 people."
25. Mark the pizza entrepreneur. Hoping to capitalize on her Hot Dog Theory, Mark asks what Miss J's favorite toppings are. "Oh, I like pepperoni, and olives, and ham, and peppers and anchovies and and and" says she. "So she's a meat lover," says PMu. Mark of the pizza just scurries inside.

Por fin, all 25 are here. Kyle the graphic designer is all, "Wow, it's a girl who can talk and speak and hold herself and carry a conversation (unlike me)." And also, aren't those all pretty much synonyms? Jake the Pilot is dinging the ick meter, "How do you talk to an angel?" he wonders. Michael wants a "whoop whoop." And Jake wonders again if Jillian can be his copilot and tells her that his whole family is doctors except himself. Meanwhile, Jesse the Winemaker has an "aspiring Canadian" t-shirt underneath his button-down. Tanner wants a best friend. Kipyn says she "looks a lot more attractive in person than he expected." (ahahahha) And JuanyOnly launches into a speech about how he's a fabulous uncle and his mother is an architect.

Says random guy: "What's going to separate us for you, since you say we all have these good qualities."
Says Miss J: "Not all of you." Ahahahhaa. Well said, Freud.

And then oh oh oh the Safety Rose comes out. JuanyOnly thinks he "deserves it more than anyone else" (of course you do, mama's boy), and Michael the breaker says it's "gonna get real real fast." We personally think Brian the IT guy should get the Molly Brown Boot for saying, "what's up you sassy little minx" and also for his polka-dot tie, but we would still keep him over Kyle, who displayed his graphic design skills by drawing a moustache on Jillian's hand. And then, Wes breaks out the guitar. "They s -a a-a-a-y. They say that love don't come e-e-e-e-a-a-s-a-a-ay." Of course he has written this for Jillian. And also, there's "going to be a lot more." Okay Philip Glass, if you are only going to sing the same line over and over, we are going to feel the Burning Rage. So stop it stop it stop it right now.

Fortunately, we have a Battle of the Tools/Dance Off between Bilbo Baggins and Michael the breakdance instructor to distract us! So when we were 11, we were passionately in love with Breakin' the movie. Push it, Pop It, Rock It, Lock It, Break It to Make It, babies. We lived it in our living room, high-kicking to such greatest hits as "There's no Stoppin Us" and our personal favorite, "Freakshow (baby baby) on the dance floor. She's a Freak. Show." And also, the heroine was named Kelly and even if she wore those polterwhangy (to borrow a term from the fug girls) high rise leotards and could not dance her way out of a box, we loved her for her short hair and name. The memory of these events sustains us through this:
Michael: "He's all, 'Mike, it's time to battle.' And I'm all, 'whaaaaaaaaat?'"

Bilbo, gentle readers, was a "b boy back in the day." Of course he was. There is some sort of neck crunching spins and "in your face" gestures going on to the tune of "bfgsh bfsh bft, bfgsh bfsh bft" supplied by Jillian. Rap with me: "There was a dude. From Russia he defected. New York City. He e (uhuh uh huh) fected. He was an awesome dancer. Might even call him rad. In Michael Jackson's terms, you'd just call him Bad." Oh wait, that is the Baryshnikov Rap, Circa 1985, by KLo and RMi. That's right babies, we were once a Rapper. And that is why we now have a desk job. ANYWAY, Michael clearly won this contest, as Josh Jimmy Dean "Go Meat" Lifeguard admits that he "saw some things that he hasn't seen since the 5th grade."

And then . . . a surprising new twist!!! There are FIVE more guys coming this season! Oh hell, more people to keep straight: Ed, Mike, Reid, Tanner (Tannest), and some other guy that we don't remember because it is late and we are into the wine. Mike has to be some sort of ball player because his only line appears to be (tossing the ball), "you are a great catch," which he says twice at different points. But thank god for Ed, who is an IT consultant and quite possibly the only normal person in the group. Team Ed!!!

Tannest the financial planner terrifies us. He likes "cookin, huntin," and feet. A self-professed "big foot guy," he hopes he can "see Jillian's feet." The perfect foot, babies, can tell him within 10 seconds if he could marry the girl. There shall be no "eagle claws." There shall be "high arches." Toe jam is forbidden (ABe just threw up a little). And they shall be polished. Tannest maneuvers Jillian over to the pool to "stick our toes in" and is surreptitiously checking out the goodies before Mike the Baller sweeps her off (thank god; this is the one time picking her up is okay).

But totally confusing us is Jillian's award of the final rose to . . . the trucker of the 13 Mississippis, David. "Stick it on me," he says. "Where is it, Mr. Invisible?" says she (okay not really, but illustrating my point).

And finally FINALLY it is final rose time. The remaining 19 go to:
1. Jake the Pilot
2. Jesse the Winemaker
3. Wes (WTF)
4. Matheu (who we realize looks like an ex from the nose down. weird.)
5. Michael the breakdancer
6. Robert
7. Ed the IT guy (Team Ed!). To which a viewer who does not wish to be named because her family reads the BNU and she will die of eternal shame but is definately NOT this viewer said, "You can plug your adaptor into my port anytime."
8. Reid, one of the new guys.
9. The Teabagger
10. Kipton
11. Mike the Baller ("you're a great catch")
12. Bryan the Coach (we think. One of the Brian/Bryans).
13. Captain America
14. Julienne
15. Tannest (WHAT?)
16. Mark the Pizza Guy
17. Brad the financial planner (double what?)
18. Tanner
19. JuanyOnly

Check you later, Bilbo Baggins. Don't let the door hit you on your way back to Middle Earth. Of course, Steve the attorney is all pissed and poor-loosery. "She must want someone more 'country' and less 'city.' I don't even know what they do in the country. Hay the bush?" No, they grow the FOOD that you eat to form that enormous forehead, you giant Tool.

Anyway, stay tuned for this season, where there are fights, secret girfriends (gasp!) and romantic strawberry eating moments (you know how I feel about those, all of you).

Ah, it's good to be back.
KLo.