DD Part Time Delay

Sorry babies. Due to work and play trips this week, KLo is out of commission until the weekend. But we will be Bringing Snarky Back on Saturday.

Double D Part 1: Robin Hood

Dum dala dum dala dum rawhide!!!! Hiyaaaaaa!!!!!!!! We love Double D, and we love that she is back to find True Love, but sweet Jesus what hath ABC done. Our special two-hour season opening begins with gay male stripclub music as we meet the guys the network believes are worthy of the D. And we weep for her, we really do, as we meet:

1. Chandler the insurance rep.
2. Greg the personal trainer, who is "bringin' a lotta energy to this" as he does frantic pushups on the hotel floor.
3. Jesse "the government is giving away free money!" informercial snow boarder with his crazy pink and green silly stringed jacket
4. Chris of the medical sales and so wholly manscaped eyebrows that we can draw them with our mad computer skillz: l=l l=l
5. Patrick D, "sompin's gonna go down. someone's gonna call the cops. All da guys are gonna be fightin' for her."
6. Twillie (we are not making this up) "my only fighting position is the fetal position" debt manager from OK.
7. Sean a.k.a. Joey Buttafuoco the martial arts instructor. Ok, you know the late Brady bunch episodes in which Carol grows her hair? Holy mullet, batman. He is "in it to win it."

8. And then it happens. We, gentle readers, are in love for the First Time In Six Years of Bachelor Viewing History. And his name is Richard. Richard the Science Teacher. And we love him (all of us). Le sigh.

9. Ron, who owns the barber shop called..... "Soul Patch" and has on his face....you guessed it.
10. Luke the Oyster Farmer.
11. Jon the resort manager with bleach blonde hair that he takes forever to do each morning and also about 35 nipples on his shirtless chest. We notice this last bit during the shaving Man-tage of faces and skinny little beards and patches and .... chests. Okay, men. Don't do that. Just don't. Especially if you have 35 nipples.
12. Jeremy the real-estate attorney who concludes that "Deanna is my unicorn." Dude, you are my jack's ass.
13. Ryan the pro football player. And here we must pause. Though we are frequently cruel and heartless, we are not without the baby Jesus in our lives. But we are pretty sure that said baby did not intend for a sheep of his Flock to go announcing his virginity before anyone asks. AND ALSO, while Ryan's "god and he go in the fields together" as they "walk andtalk like good friends often do," we are pretty sure that means TALKING and not bleating hymns off-key at the piano. That is all.
14. Jason, the single dad financial analyst from Washington, whom we first despise because he claims to be "perfection" for the D and then we heart because he is so good with his son.
15. Jeffrey the math teacher. Oh my, we will take him if Richard doesn't work out. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US???

And apparently, that is all ABC is going to show us of the 25 as it is Deanna's turn. We can't decide if we like her dress. It is gold lame, which is sort of bold and shiny, yet also has pillow cording down the front vee and a big gold lame flower at the waist. As she sits down for a fireside chat with Chris Harrison, we admire her posture. But really what choice does she have; she is one slump away from Girls Gone Wild.

And after convincing us all that She Means Business and has total faith in the system, she takes her place outside on the steps and the limos start to come in. So in addition to the gents above, we further meet:

16. Brian the Texas football coach who awkwardly says " Until this moment, I wasn't sure why I was doing this show." Augh.
17. Paul of Canada, who - equally awkwardly - turns her so that they start their first dance off "good." Men, though shalt not shave thy chests and thou shall use proper grammar. I mean, really is it too much to ask?
18. Graham, the pro ball player. We know we are supposed to like him, but he seems to have zinc oxide on his lips and that is freakity.
19. Spiro, the California actor with seriously crazy eyes. If Beaker and Animal had little muppet cross-breeds, we would have Spiro.
20. Brian the network consultant from Indiana who does ANOTHER twirl (oh oh oh we are embarrassed)
21. Donato, the post-op tranny. Donato twirls himself. then her. He is also wearing a pink button down with floral inseam and most of the buttons undone.
22. Eric the financial analyst (another one). Nothing says "restraining order" like this guy. We don't like him and his "you good? You good?" powerspeak and manhandling ways.
23. Chandler, who will be "callin' on" Deanna later (ok, that's kinda sweet).
24. Fred "da Bears" Chicago southside attorney.
25. Robert the chef.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, we have our Top 25. Fortunately, we need not wait too long for the Swimsuit Competition (foreshadowing, babies).

Off we go to the races. Showing he is all flash and not so much brain, Spiro/Beakimal remarks that Double D is a "beautiful, beautiful greek girl." Fortunately, Jeremy the real-estate attorney gets the first of three "first impression roses" and not Beakimal. Jason the single dad swoops in for the first steal of the evening, as Jesse the snowboarder remarks, "dude, he got some 1:1 action." Ryan the football player goes for #2 as he takes D outside to "snuggle." Sayeth KMu: "save some room for the Holy Ghost." Unfortunately, he also 1) steals most of the blanket and 2) doesn't give her his jacket, the latter of which causes Beakimal to interrupt as he brings her his own coat. The Beak later tells Ryan, "dude, you totally crashed and burned."

Mr. Soul Patch announces that he got divorced two years earlier, which definately throws Deanna off (though not enough, as we later learn, probably because he sort of looks like Alan Thicke/Billy Ray Cyrus). And then Robert decides to cook for D. This is Rule #3 in our List of ComManMents: Though shalt not grandstand. We don't care if you can whip up crabdip at a moments notice. A cocktail party with 25 other men is not the time and will only lead one to conclude, as does Donato/Donata, "You gave her crabs." The tranny is convinced s/he is going to get a rose, "no doubt." The Oyster Farmer is definately grooving on Forest Gump as he talks about how farming is just something he does before he teaches. "Momma always said that life is like an oyster. You never know if there's a pearl inside. " Of course, he does give her a lovely pearl necklace, so we like him.

And then we have the Big Surprise: It's Jennie, the other woman scorned by Brad Womack! She has come to help Deanna, and we totally heart her and her little black book of comments. We know that this would be KMu: "What are your intentions with my friend? Let me see your teeth." So she starts interviewing the boys, including Donato/Donata, who suggests that the J sit on his lap. Ew.

But we almost miss this, so ecstatic are we that Richard the Science Teacher has gotten 1:1 time with Deanna! And he has brought her a herkimer diamond. And we love his nerdiness as he explains it to D. We will not throw stones as our Person of Significance *might* have made us a flower out of metal using the milling machine he is building. But we WILL throw stones at Eric the Greek, Brian of Indiana who flashes his abs like, three times and makes Deanna feel them even though it makes her all weird and awkward, and Chandler, who calls Deanna to him with a Duck Call. There is nothing, NOTHING that will save a boy who does that, except in comparison to the Oyster farmer, who told her she was pretty when Deanna asked him to tell her something funny.

And finally, we must refute, once and for all, that Jesse the snowboarder is "not like a square." and that's he's "a triangle." The only perfect triangle ever seen by this viewer is JoMa, 8th grade crush and perfect specimin of triangular manliness about whom, as the original "Triangle Man," many odes were written and many a Study Hall note was passed detailing the events of the hour ("he reads his book. He looks at the clock. He writes. He looks at the clock."). We have it on good authority that he now runs a construction business in our hometown, where he has been known to make certain of our friends stand at the kitchen window in slackjaw wonder at the muscleyness with which he pours cement driveways.

But we digress.

We also decide we love Jesse (though not like JoMa) for this little exchange: Sean Buttafuoco decides he's "gonna show Deanna the Robin Hood. I don't normally go kickin' lemons off people's heads, but I need the attention here." So he makes Jesse stand with a glass on his head, and a lemon on the glass. Says Jesse, "I'm gonna kick you in the nuts five times if you miss."
And then later, in the play by play of what we all just witnessed (my eyes, oh my eyes), Jesse says: "He was all ** BAM** and I was like, "ooo, I almost poo'd my pants, dude."

For that, Jesse gets the second "first impression" rose.

And now Greg the Personal Trainer has gone all 'roids and is seriously batshit: "I will GO through the fire. I will TAKE that suffering. I WILL get that rose." But Paul of Canada has upped the anti, jumping in the pool in like, 30 degree weather and then stripping down to underwear that says "Deanna" on the butt. "Good lord, my name is on the back of this boy's booty," says Deanna. We heart her. We also heart whatever guy says to Paul post-dip, "You got some shrinkage, dude. You better shut that jacket."

Graham has 1:1 time with Deanna as Paul is buttoning up (for the love, won't this episode ever end.) And we try to appreciate him because Deanna seems so smitten, but he is an investor in bars right now, and in the process of "starting up a charity...for children.....children with Illnesses....like a scholarship fund." And I'm sure he'd like to help all the people in The Iraq get maps as well. Oh, but he wears rubberbands around his wrist because, when he was a kid, he read "a" book and the hero wore rubberbands to remind him to do what he always wanted to do. Sort of like, oh, LANCE ARMSTRONG?

But then, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles....Richard the Science Teacher gets the third and final "First Impression" rose. Yay!! The heavens have opened and angels are rejoicing. Says Beakimal, "Richard came outta nowhere!!!" We take that as a good sign, as the other guys weren't like, "that ass."

Finally, finally, it is time for Deanna to deliberate. And she chooses (in addition to the three dudes already with roses)
1. Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus Thicke
2. Graham zinc oxide lips
3. Eric the Greek
4. Robert the cook (noo)
5. Sean Buttafuoco (WHAT????)
6. Ryan of the virgin tonedefness
7. Chris
8. Paul of Canada
9. Fred Da Bears
10. Twilley (I mean, wtf at this point)
11. Jason single-dad
12. Brian the Texas football coach.

Nooooooo, she didn't pick Jeffrey OR the oyster farmer! But we are mostly freaked out by Greg, who goes down in flames of glory saying: "I want to be with Deanna. Fuck that. I am a PRINCE among men. **rips shirt off*** YEAH, ya'll I miss that. I am a WILD MAN. The Coyotes!!!! Ahooooo.....AHOOOOOOOO."

Stay tuned for next week, when it really couldn't get much worse.

KLo

Rocky Part Finale: A Horse is a Horse, of Course

You know what, Chelsea? One day, you are going to look back on the bouffant ponytail updo thing and be all embarrassed that you EVER thought looking like a horse was hot. I bet you cover that poof with a folder when the fire alarm goes off at school and you are forced to wait outside in the drizzle. And I bet you tease your bangs before combing them over to form the perfect puffity sweep into your ponytail. AND I bet you hairspray the poof all day long, praying that it won't go flat.

That's right, we Ladies of the '80s have got your number, honey, and no "I've seen it in High Fashion" pathetic-ass excuse is going to save you from the cold hard reality that you have got Mall Bangs, part 2008. So save yourself. You are not Mr. Ed. Even if you can unhinge your jaw.

This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by the staff of the BNU. Remember kids, Hairline Before Equine.

And so begins the Finale, in which we all know what happens. First, Chelsea goes to visit Rocky in England. She has the pony, etc etc. She is also not helping herself with the huge white prayer shawl (mosel tov, Chelsea), worn inappropriately with the pony and long earrings. He takes her up in a bubble to stare at the London skyline, they kiss in the bubble, Cher arrives wearing a bad blonde wig and tells him that she will always love him, her only son.... oh wait, wrong movie. Did we mention we hate Chelsea's hair?

But soon we meet Matt's parents, dad Tony, mom Trish, and brother Simon. We completely heart Trish and forgive Simon his skinny skinny little art beard. We do not understand the art beard and its "country roads dividing the field from 30,000 feet up" airplane couture. And also, what if he misses and shaves a bit of the road? Dead ends are never good.

ANYWAY, they all laugh about "wallys" which yes we understand are rain boots ha ha. Chelsea is grilled by Trish, and admits that she puts a sense of humor above all else in a mate, that she's guarding herself because she doesn't want to get hurt, etc. She is awkward and knock-kneed. Coltish, one might say. Matt says he "adores you, honey" when kissing goodbye, and for the love of god, her hair must go away.

Off we are on London, part Shamalama. Shayne of the Llamas shows up for a double decker bus ride to Matts' family residence. We totally hate to admit this, but we are jealous of her little taffeta skirt and jacket combo. We secretly plan to shock our work establishment (omg, Klo wore a skirt) someday with said taffetaness. Except then we must get rid of our 10 year old clogs because nothing says "Not With Taffeta" like clogs one must color with a felt-tip to pretend they are still leather. Okay, we scrap the taffeta idea altogether. But mostly, we are distracted by the following:
Sllama: "Ooo, I can't believe this is home to you! It's like a movie or something!"
KMu: "As opposed to L.A., which is so authentic."

Soon, Shayne is spilling wine on herself, telling dad Tony that she is 12 when he asks how old she is (ok, props for that one) and, um, actually handling herself pretty well. By the end, Simon has to confess in that heartwrenchingly honest way that only gay men or straight ones that live across the ocean from this viewer could possibly do: "I made assumptions about you, and I was wrong. You grew on me. You don't shy away from an answer, and I appreciate that." Shayne earns even more props by telling Simon, "If you didn't grill me, what are you here for?" And then more by telling her mother that both of her parents have been married multiple times and that she does not want that for herself. You know Sllama, you're all right.

So now it's family time. Matt admits he feels most at ease with Shayne, but most "passionate" with Chelsea. *cough*CROCHET*cough. The house is divided, as Simon believes Shayne is more genuine, but that Matt would be better with Chelsea, whereas Tony thinks the opposite. Ooooo.

And viola, we are back in Barbados, where Matt is watching Chelsea walk towards him as she desperately does a "pick-n-pull" of her clearly-too-short shorts. He "wants to blindfold her..." Ok, what? And this is where it gets really irritating. He takes her to a helicopter, and she squeals like a schoolgirl, and then she just keeps on squealing: "Oh, this is the coooooolest thing I've EVER done!!! Wow, what IS this place? Oh, this is the BEST!" Girl, it is a helicopter ride to a secluded beach, just like on every single season of the Bachelor. So stop being a stupid mooncalf and let ABC get a shot of you squatting in Matt's arms in the water as he shows his crack to the world. Thank you.

The sun fades dramatically into the Hilton Hotel sign, where Chelsea and Matt now sit cuddled on the sofa and she has another "surprise" for him. We think ohgodcrochet and dearlordladybits, but fortunately, it's just a survival kit with things she'd like to show him in California: cereal for breakfast in bed, a map, surf wax. Because you see, Chelsea is "like a brochure." On the "front cover, you see fun! sports! competitive." But "on the inside, you see caring! soft!"

Believe me, gentle readers, this is NOT the worst analogy to which this viewer has born witness. And I quote: "My grandmother, she is like an old worn out bra. And when I stoop, she rests on my back, assuring me of her presence." Sparrowgrass Poetry Forum. True story.

But back to Chelsea. She is now telling Matt that she doesn't really feel like you can truly love a person unless they have the capacity to love you back. Which we think is sort of dumb because isn't that most relationships at some point? But whatever, he assures her he is falling in love with her and is everything he's always wanted. They kiss goodbye and we are on to the next date.

Shayne of the Llamas has attacked Rocky from behind as he waits for her on the beach. She is, according to Matt, "Like a little monkey. When she cuddles me, it's like a monkey holding on." And you know, we are not throwing stones at that one because we still sleep holding our Ewok's hand when we are heartbroken. But we ARE going to criticize the sunglasses. Yogurt container-size sunglasses may be totally awesome right now, but let's all just remember that such things inevitably go the way of overalls worn backwards. And we are also going to reject the skreetchity "oooo, parasailing, I'm so scared!!!!," which ultimately gave way to this moving soliloquey:

"Being so far far up in the air and looking out. It's like being an angel flying in the sky. I was floating and dreaming... dreaming of the Man that I Love getting down on his knee and asking me to marry him. I want Matt forever. I love him. I am. Just. Ready."

Ok, Roma"I am an Angel, sent by God" Downey. And to think that Sllama got her start on soap operas.

So once again the night fades into the Hilton Hotel, and now Shayne is in Rocky's lap and he's rubbing her butt. Surprise surprise, she has a gift for him too. And "this is the most amazing gift you will ever receive from me in our entire relationship" says she. And we know she speaks the truth when she gives him photographs of her in a bikini writing "I Love You" in the sand on the beach because sugar, it ain't gonna get better with age.

Matt says she is the "warmest, kindest, most genuine person I have met."
Shayne says, "but how do you like my present?"
sigh.

And suddenly, it the Last Rose Ceremony and Engagement Nail Biter!!! Rocky is picking out a ring that is pretty but not practical, and the women are getting ready. And we like Chelsea's makeup, but dammit it's the horse updo again, and why is she now wearing a collar and also why does her dress have a slit up the front??? But more importantly, why has Shayne decided to wear all of her hair in a bad comb over? We do not know, because now the first limo is pulling up and oh oh oh who will it be???? We pretend to be curious, but we really aren't because....

It's Chelsea, which we totally figured out like, 5 episodes ago. But this is our issue: Rocky gives her a better speach than he gives the Llama. He never thought he would meet someone like her. He really "found" the real Chelsea in Las Vegas. He's come here to find his lifelong partner....and it isn't her, sister. And then Chelsea, whom we feel bad for despite hair sins past and present, says she thought it was going to be her, and that she thought she had gotten the go-ahead to open up to him, and that (ooooooh, SNAP) the Llama is the "falsest person here." Yes, and we all think that last comment is a little unfortunate because Matt pretty much is getting engaged to said Llama in about 5 minutes. So naturally, he shuts her down.

And now here comes the Llama. And we like her dress okay, but we don't understand the comb over. Or the little monologue playing as she walks: "I have never had my heart in a man's hands like this before." Okay, she is 22 years old.

So he does his whole speech, which this viewer (and also KMu) thinks totally sounds like the "you aren't the one" speech: "I came here to find a soul mate. You are the warmest, most genuine person. You have such big brown eyes. I thought, 'this is too good to be true.' There has been laughter. Fun. Kisses. MONKEY. You will always be there for me, and I for you." blah blah and then he proposes, "Monkey, will you marry me."

And off we go with a series of stagey "Matt. Matt. Matt." exclamations from the Llama and some obviously rehearsed "I will marry you on one condition: that you not look at any other women again." sort of line, and mercifully, we are done.

Oh, the Romance.

Stay tuned for next week, when Double D is back in the Bachelorette!!!!!

KLo

Rocky Part The Women Tell All

As we pan the women who are about to Tell All, we realize that we are in a Robert Palmer video. Or a bad dream in which everyone forgets to wear pants. No bachelorette is wearing a dress shorter than mid-thigh, and most are wearing the equivalent of an awkward medical smock designed to cover you as long as you don't turn around, lift your arms, or stand more than 4 feet tall. And then we see Robin.

Ahoy there, matey.

Robin is wearing an aquamarine tissue held up by sailing rope. We have barely recovered from this shock, when we are accosted by Holly the childrens' book author who is... what color is that.... browrange? Ooo ooo, but there is Erin S (go meat!), drunk Stacey, drunk Kelly, and Erin H. who we thought was pretty except that she has been tanning in glasses and now has that coke-bottle look and also a kinda bizarre nose when it comes down to it. As we have a little butt on the end of our nose, we will not throw stones, but still.

Chris Harrison is just droning on and on about the "journey" Matt has gone on and how he has find true love, and now that he has started talking, all we can focus on is the woman in the stage left background with the couple of nerf balls underneath her pink t-shirt casting torpedo shadows on her stomach. "You are going down, bitches," she seems to say.

But first: what did you think about the Bachelor? Everyone of course wanted a tall, dark, and handsome guy. Marshana, however, wanted all that AND taller than her AND "in great physical condition." Marshana essentially wants a pony, but not a Shetland. Interestingly, she later says of Stacey: "She is riding my last nerve like a pony."

Of course Stacey (drunk grad student, gave Rocky her panties) was threatening to cut everyone like my neighbor Dennis that first episode: "If you don't remember my f*ing panties, you are f*ing dead. *scizzor re-enactment* I am going to kill all those girls and their families." Girl, if you want someone to remember your panties, stop buying them at Wal-Mart. But give me a minute to call the police before you go anywhere else.

Okay, so next we have a "drama clip" of rugby, Marshana telling everyone to "walk off," Ashlee the singer/songwriter acting like a puppytard, Marshana crying to the camera "please pick me pick me," Robin being all dramatic about girls never liking her, and Kelly saying "if I were a dude...."

And then we have Robin in the "hot seat." Which requires her to stand up. It is at this point that we sense loyal reader and ocassional germaphobe MHa gasping and reaching for the lysol, as we suddenly discover that there will, in fact, be nothing between Robin and the seat, so short is her dress. "I have been hurt a lot more by women than by men," says she, "which is maybe why I acted the way I did [and now must grind my ladybits into this chair that you will have to sit on next, bitches]." This is a game, you see. A game of love. (yes, she said it). And she "didn'tthinkshe'deverbeenhatedbefore. Maybeit was adefensemechanism. Shefeltlikeshewasbeingattacked" in the house. We don't think she could have talked any faster or prevented her head from spinning just a little, but we sincerely doubt that she has not been despised by womankind before.

So sayeth Cari, the church lady who bit a beer can in half: "We were all just looking to be loved." Unfortunately for Cari, she is not going to be getting any of that so long as she is wearing the triangles she stole from the church Nursery School instrument box and crafted into earings. And also, Robin will never be loved by Kelly, who says, "if I were a dude....you just aren't my type."

But really, it's all about Marshana - and not Robin - in the end. "You were abrasive," she explains, "and intentionally mean." And suddenly she is in the hot seat (ha ha ha ha nice work, Robin), and lipsynching along with clips of Marshana's Six Commandments, forged in the furnace of Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth:

1. You WILL not hustle me.
2. I WILL put you in your place.
3. Do NOT be condescending to me.
4. Because I WILL not have it.
5. I DID not create this.
6. You are dismissed.

We consider putting these on a plaque in our office.

The last one came when Robin tells her that she didn't handle the pressure in the house very well. But of course, having just told the world (plus the 40 women and 1 man at the taping) that she is a Strong Woman and was not a Victim, she then "knew" she had a "bullseye on her head" when she came home with the rose after a date, blah blah. As we have no patience for women who talk about how strong they are just so they can talk about themselves a little longer, we aren't going to write any more about this as a Matter of BNU Policy.

Ok, but, and since Chris Harrison asked, if Kelly" were a dude....?" Kelly's all, "no."

And finally, it is Amanda in the hot seat. We are happy to report that while totally unflattering and also like a crimped lampshade, her dress is at least long enough not to pick anything up off of Robin's chair. We relive Amanda's "journey" and her Hall-Of-Bachelor-Fame exit (Matt, you are a douchebag). We decide to forgive her dress. Really, there is nothing to report here except that she is totally classy, smart, and probably just dodged the biggest bullet in her life.

And then we have Matt. We know that he has been spending too much time in the U.S. watching QVC, as he has shaved his entire head and is now growing out all facial and head hair at the same time like a chia pig. He feels everyone's comments were very fair. He is engaged and happy. He ditched Amanda because she said he "liked" him but not "loved" him (stupid impatient prick). He thought he had more of a chance of love with Chelsea and Shayne. And he holds up the granny panties that Stacey suddenly gives him (because she's "not ordinarily like that") with a sense of pride.

And then we all have to watch a montage of his "journey" with Shayne and Chelsea, beginning with Chelsea taking her undies off underneath her crochet dress on the overnight date. Ew.

As we fade to credits, we watch a few bloopers, which are actually kind of awesome.

Cari: "I am sweet as sugar."
Bachelor Staff Person: "You're a swedish hooker?"

Stay tuned for next week, when we all know that he is going to get engaged to Shamalama, but we will watch anyway.

KLo