YoJo Part 6: Don't Cry For Me

The BNU begins with this Author’s Mind Being Blown.  We do not own A Croc, but have been Informed Of Their Comfort.  And are now surfing the interwebs and discovering that Crocs:  There Are All Kinds!!!  

PMu, who routinely escapes upstairs as soon as we hear “this week, on the Bachelorette” advises us:  “Look, Croc clogs!  Affordable, and dishwasher safe!  That should be right up your alley, KLo.” 

Babies, from the time in which we were in High School until approximately five years ago, this Author wore clogs.  Like, All. The. Time.  And we would color them in with a sharpie when they started to look ratty because We Were Supposed to Be Fancy but we work with a bunch of men and Men Don’t Pay Attention Anyway (we learned this from purple hair, and also from our colleague FBo’s story about wearing a mashed up poptart on the back of her suitjacket all day and no one noticing).  But then SKu said she was going to Throw Our Clogs Into a Raging Fire Pit and so we stopped wearing them.  Now we wear hiking boots.  Just to mess with her.

ANYWAY, was This Author the only one that did not know Crocs makes clogs?!?  We are totally getting a pair, which we will never have to color with a sharpie and also, which are dishwasher safe.

“What more can you want from your shoes than dishwasher safe?” asks PMu.

“Microwaveable?” suggests ABe.

And so it is, 20 years after their invention, how This Author comes to Contemplate a Croc.  Which is far more interesting than whatever is happening on the screen.

Lo, for here we are in Buenos Aires, and Jo Jo is stumbling down the street clutching the biggest pink coat/cape imaginable as she tries to keep it over her shoulders without the benefit of arms. 

Here is our thing:  It is either cold enough to put ones arms through one’s jacket, or it is too hot to wear the jacket.  But if it is one’s jacket, and not the jacket of some man-friend that is way too big, then Wear. The damn. Jacket.  
ABe:  “This is a really sad Olivia Pope impression.”
PMu:  “No, Evita.  Oh look, now she’s out on a balcony.”
KMu & ABe:  “Eviiiiiita.  Eviiiiita.”

Meahwhile Chris Harrison has decided to show up for work this week because well, Argentina.  Jo Jo is confessing to him that she is worried the whole thing won’t work for her because she feels strongly for multiple guys and doesn’t want to fall in love with two of them.  #bacheloretteproblems.

Suddenly, the guys appear.  Jordache Jeans is wearing a painted-on shirt. 
KMu:  “Seriously, that is like a womens’ medium.”

After some promotion for the hotel they are staying in (“’Def five star,” says one bro),  the first date card comes.   “Besame, besame . . .  muchacho.”  Aaaaand it is for Wells.

Given that Wells is the only one left standing who has NOT kissed Jo Jo, this is awkward and also a Big Suggestion In The Neon.

But we are having a hard time paying attention because of Annoying Alex’s hair:

What is happening here?  And also, we hate him.

So, this date basically consists of Jo Jo putting her face at or near the vicinity of Wells’ face, to which Wells responds by bobbing like a Whack-a-Mole, while we hear commentary from the other men talk about the fact that they have not kissed.  We are mortified for everyone. 

“I like Wells a lot better than some of the other guys, but he is NOT bringing it,” concludes KMu, for All Of Us.

They shop for jewelry, Jo Jo turns her face up to him, and Wells floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee.  Jo Jo next takes him to some kind of performance art theater, and he is again working up the nerve to kiss her until the Gollum Twins suddenly appear crawling around in water above them on a glass ceiling.   We did not realize Tyra Banks was filming America’s Next Top Model in Argentina. 

Unlike Literally Every Other Guy On This Show, Wells concludes, “I can’t kiss her with two mostly-naked women above us.  That would be weird.”

And so he still does not.

Now Fabio (FABIO, you guys!!) comes on stage and announces that he is going to train them to do Performance Art.  So basically, what This Author does every day in the office.   Their version, however, is a bit more allegorical: Wells runs on a treadmill until he gets shot, and Jo Jo coldly walks past him in a suitcoat.  A nervous giggle escapes us.

Now Wells and Jo Jo are sliding in the water like the Gollum Twins.

“This is literally ANTM,” says this Author.
“It’s for an art project!!” declares ABe.
“There’s something really sexy about this because it is dark and there is water, and sliding.” Says Jo Jo, whose sex life is clearly a little different then that of the BNU.

Wells finally, FINALLY makes a move. 
“The neurotic Wells is finally falling away,” he tells her.
KMu: “Wait, is this his first kiss EVER?”

Dinner continues in this highly awkward style.  Jo Jo is wearing a tankini, and Wells tells her that “you and I are pretty different people.”

This Author:  “He is not going to get a rose.”

Wells asks Jo Jo The Question That Is Guaranteed To Send This Author Up A Wall on a First Date:  “So, what do you want to know about me?” And then, he takes us on a rambling story about his misspent youth looking for the ‘perfect person,’ and how his last relationship ended by basically being friend zoned.

He does not get the rose. We like Wells, but damn.   He is the first to be sent home on a 1:1 date.  Jo Jo stumbles off in her high heels and yet another coat over her shoulders to watch the performance art.   ABC also begins to build its story of heart break, which will no doubt arc in the last two episodes:

Jo Jo:  “What if I am so in love with somebody, and like, what if that doesn’t work out?  It hasn’t worked out any other time. I don’t want that.” 

Meanwhile the date card has come for 9021Luke, Robby, Jordache Jeans, Jim Bob Taylor, and Annoying Alex.  “Living La Vida Boca,” it says.  Oooo,  this means that Beefy Jim and Chase get a 2:1 date.  Chase, who is like the most generic of generic dudes, tells the camera that he will feel “betrayed” if Beefy Jim gets the rose because Beefy Jim has nothing over Chase.  That is true.  Because they are exactly the same person.

So, the group date starts and we blink from all the sculpting and tightness.

ABe:  “If I saw these guys on the street, I would 100% assume they were gay.”

We try to take an action shot of Jordache Jeans in his sister’s pants and fail:

ABe:  “The only decent guy left is Jim Bob Taylor.”
KMu:  “Yeah, and he’s going to light himself on fire this episode.”

So the group wanders in the streets of Buenos Aires and pick up a very staged game of soccer.  Jim Bob Taylor sweats through his missionary shirt (cotton, light blue, twilling design in two lines down the front).  Aaaaand, he wins a game of “make the goal, kiss the girl.” 

“I know this is awkward; we can make it quick.” He tells Jo Jo.

No, NO. Jim Bob Missionary Taylor.  You OWN that kiss.

Everyone goes to the after-party portion of the date.

ABe:  What is up with what Annoying Alexis wearing?”
KMu:  “You know what the problem is with this season?  We’ve spent too much time questioning what the guys are wearing. It is that boring.”

At any rate, we are only half-paying attention as 9021Luke basically lays Jo Jo down on her mother’s sofa and makes the sweet love during their 1:1 time.  We don’t hear what they say because this is happening:

ABe & KMu:  “Blaaaack Velvet and that little boy’s smile.  Bllaaaaaack velllllvet in that slow, southern style….”

Jo Jo:  “I am running out words to describe the level of passion that is Luke and me together.” 

Jo Jo again:  “We have that physical connection DOWN.   That physical spark is crazy. Cra.Zy.”

OMG. 

9021Luke gets the rose on this date, but not before Jim Bob Taylor wastes his 1:1 time making an incredibly stupid, very long, and pointless complaint about how Jordache Jeans was a “person he’s never seen before” when they were PLAYING CARDS and DISAGREED OVER A RULE. 

KMu:  “Told you he was going to light himself on fire.”

This man needs to stop talking right now.

Jo Jo’s face is like “shut up.”  And also, “you are over.”

But then, THEN, Jim Bob breaks through his soliloquy with “can we just kiss?”

WHAT?!?

This Author:   “I cannot handle it if this man is the next bachelor.  It’s going to be like Forest Gump and his box of chocolates.”  But who is left, Gentle Readers?  Who Is Left That Can Carry That Torch?  No one.  NO ONE.

Anyway, things get awkward with the remaining men because Jo Jo pulls Jordache Jeans aside to talk to him about this completely made up (by ABC) tension in the house as told by Jim Bob Taylor, and, Babies, if we have to listen to any more “conflict” about the rules of a card game we are going to Light Ourselves On Fire.

Mercifully, date card #3 has come for Beefy Jim and Chase.  “It takes two.”  Lord, we hope not.

KMu has more pressing things on her mind. 

She eyes Beefy Jim’s shirt: “Another tiny pocket.”
ABe: “well, you could store a condom in there. Or a ring.”
KMu:  Mawwage.  Is what bwings us togevah.. .”

But suddenly, this Author is on High Alert because we learn that Beefy Jim and Chase are going to take a Tango Lesson and Our Hearts Have Exploded. 

100 years ago at summer ballet school, we had a partner named Leeeeeeslie.  Leslie was from, quite possibly, Argentina.  We were partnered together because this Author is short, even in point shoes, and so we always ended up with the guys who had to partner us at the elbow because they Could Not Reach Our Hand.   Leslie was one of those gentlemen, and The Two of Us Coped With the Indignity by flirting outrageously with each other during every pas de deux, tango-style.  Ha cha cha.  

This Author is amazed that our parents let us go off to Big Cities at age 15 to flirt with men from Argentina and beyond, but we like to think it was Very Formative. 

At any rate, we gear up for some Flirting As Coping and Jo Jo does not disappoint.
For a reeeelationship, you need the PASSION and the trust,” declares an amazing tango instructor whose chest is going to fall out of her dress at any moment.

“I am like, dance fighting between two guys,” says Jo Jo as she learns the choreography.

“Dancing is like feeling LIFE,” says Beefy Jim.

ABE” “I’m your host, Cat Deely, and welcome back to so you THINK you can dance!!”

Beefy Jim again:  “Chase is in his head and I am in my heart.  And this is like the eternal struggle.”   

This Author.  Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

It is terrible.  On so many levels.

Now we go to dinner, and Jo Jo is wearing yet a third coat over her shoulders.  We soon understand why, because underneath she is wearing this:

Yes, that IS two white triangles sewn together with black chiffon in between, and a random black chiffon tube around the bottom, why do you ask?

KMu: “Do you think that they start with complete dresses, and then just attack them with scissors?”

In 1:1 time, Beefy Jim confesses that he has not been very open since his last relationship, in which he “really put it all on the line.”  And then we can’t hear any more because this has happened:

ABe:  “I have to tell you about this play on Friday that I saw.  It was called ‘The Cock.’”

ABe:  “There was someone in the audience who kept falling asleep.”

We love community theater.

So blah blah, Jo Jo gives Chase a warning in his 1:1 time that he needs to open up to herr more because, lo, she needs reassurance just like him.   We are bored by Chase, and disappointed when she gives him the rose instead of Beefy Jim. 

Beefy Jim is devastated.  We feel bad for him as he cries in the limo on the way home.  Except as he is crying, Chase and Jo Jo are going to “dance” (kiss while standing motionless) in front of a string quartet while a woman sings from the balcony.  And she is singing (wait for it). . . . from EVITA. 

“Don’t cry for me Argentiiiiinna,” she begins.
Beefy Jim sobs.
Chase and Jo Jo kiss.

“The truth is I NEVER. LEFT. You.”

Beefy Jim sobs harder.

This cannot be happening.

Somehow, this date ends and the next time we see Jo Jo, she is in a blue fishtail dress at the rose ceremony talking to Jordache Jeans. 
“I feel like I need someone to do life with,” says he.

“Do life?  DO life?” demands KMu.
“Finally, you are talking about your feelings!” says Jo Jo.

In more pre-rose 1:1s, Robby just wants to kiss Jo Jo, and 9021Luke wants to know where they are going next week.  Annoying Alex jumps on her face, and Jim Bob Taylor  does the same.   Finally, Jo Jo tells them all that she has a “hard decision to make this evening” and walks out.

We secretly think that Jo Jo is wondering if she should go Full Khaleesi on this group, light the place on fire, and walk out.

Blah blah, she comes back and picks, to join 9021Luke and Chase with roses:

1. Robby,

2. Jordache Jeans.  Aaaaaand

There is a dramatic moment where ABC fakes us out by making us think Jo Jo is going to not give her last rose but instead comes back with two…. And she gives them to:

3. Annoying Alex, and

4. Jim Bob Taylor.

That’s right folks, we have to tolerate all six of them next week.  No one goes home.
Annoying Alex, instead of feeling grateful, has “roided up” in the words of KMu. 
“I want to feel wanted!  Give me a 1:1” he complains. 

 And apparently she does, because we are treated to this image as foreshadowing for next week:

This Author:  "IS HE WEARING A BERET?!?"

KMu: “it doesn’t look like a beret.  It looks like a head wrap. Which he has probably filled with all of his hair.”  

See you, babies.

KLo.

   

YOJO Part 5: Defying Gravity

Babies, God does not want us watching the Bachelorette for Lo, She sent away KMu on vacation.  Then, Our Friend SKu donated unto us her Television And Also Cable, but God sent us a terrible storm full of Ferociousness and Many Downed Tree, and Tooketh from us SKu’s Television, Cable, and also, Electricity, Amen.  So, this Viewer decided to watch at our workplace.  Therefore, ABe and also, guest viewer SaKiMe, came unto our workplace in the dead of night for Clandestine Viewing Beside a Fireplace And Everything. 

And God smiteth us with this:

Lo, God smiteth us for 45 minutes but then, on at the 46^th minute God spoke to us and told us to fiddle with the remote and This Author DID and We Were In Business.  

So it is only after catching up via the Hulu that SKu also gave unto us, that we are reminded that we last left off on the 2:1 date with Chump and Annoying Alex, with Chump getting the boot and Alex kissing Jo Jo in the most awful fashion ever.  In any event, we are able to report that Chump came back, and there was a confrontation between him and the men EVEN THOUGH he has been kicked off the island but we hate him and All OF ABC for giving him air time, so we shall not join in.

Then there was a rose ceremony in which The Man Claws Came Out and James F (whoever he is) read a poem which begins: 

“Her heart is like a treasure; her dreams not hard to see. . . .”
 And we shall end:

  “Her dress looks really complicated; let’s hope she doesn’t have too pee.”

Ultimately, 9021Luke confesses his love and James F., and Daniel: Occupation Canadian, get the boot, eh.   And THEN everyone goes to Uruguay so that Jo Jo could go on a date with Jordache Jeans.  In the middle of these items, KMu whisper-texts across the miles that the following has happened on her family vacation: 

CHu:  “What is the point of all this?”
KMu:  “You mean, this show?”

While CHu and KMu are pondering the Meaning Of It All, Jordache Jeans is on his date. “Let’s seal the date,” reads the card.    We just have absolutely no interest in him, and even less when they get on a yacht with “every throw pillow from Pier One,” concludes KMu, and kiss amidst the seals.   The other men are mad that Jordache Jeans gets yet another date.

Vinny the barber, cutting everyone’s hair back at the house, has somehow *magically* obtained trashy magazines . . . written in English. . . to Uruguay.  We are amazed that ABC has permitted him to have reading material (a no no), and also, Shocked and Surprised because we cannot possibly imagine how that Magically Available Reading Material came to involve an interview with Jo Jo’s ex-boyfriend Chad (not Chump, but apparently another Chad).   We cannot possibly imagine however they could have stumbled upon such tabloid fodder.

The men cannot stop discussing this article, which apparently causes them all to be concerned that Jo Jo might not be “here for love” because everything one reads in the tabloids is true.  We grow tired, and also disbelieving when the next date card comes for 9021Luke, Beefy Jim, Chase, Penis Pastor, Jim Bob Taylor, Grant the Firefighter, Wells, and Annoying Alex.  “I can’t stand to be away from you,” it reads. 

Back on Jo Jo’s date with Jordache Jeans, we are dismayed to discover that Jo Jo is wearing a dress made from linen and grease to enter said linen, and Jordache Jeans is wearing “jeans that make him look like he has womens’ legs,” concludes ABe.

This Author once spent a month sharing an apartment in London with an ex-boyfriend because his friend didn’t come on the class trip at the last minute and This Author was the Next Best Thing (ie., the delicate flower without a roommate).  High on yoga and androgeny from a recent trip through India, the Ex-B thought it would be excellent to wear This Author’s jeans.  And so, like a Cat In Stretch Pants stretching proudly in the afternoon sun, the image of that man will be Forever Burned in Our Brain.

We are reminded forcibly of Le Cat In Dishabille when we see Jordache Jeans. We simply don’t understand this.  We also don’t understand his hair:

“The higher the hair, the closer to God,” whispers reader JaVa across the miles.

While we cannot get past All Of This, Jo Jo is attempting to confront Jordache Jeans about his past.  “So, I met someone you used to date,” she begins, as his face freezes.   Blah Blah, he was not the best, but explains his prior bad-boyfriendness away by being the influence of pro football.  And also this:  

Him: “Like my pastor always says, you don’t love someone unless you put a ring on her finger.”

ABe:  “Well, that’s a different form of name dropping, I guess. .. “

Jo Jo:  “Last week you told me you were falling for me, but now you tell me that you’re falling in love.  That’s a big difference.  Do you think you’ll pull away?”

This Author:  WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Jordache Jeans:  “I am confident.  I am blown away with you.

Jo Jo:  “I am not scared anymore!!!”

He gets the rose.

“But what does that mean, him getting the rose?” queries new viewer SaKiMe.

“C for Continue, Baby!!” says this Author.

The end this date making out in the street amongst carnival people, including naked women with sparklers over their ying yangs.

So Jo Jo floats through the hotel after her date with Jordache Jeans, at least as best she can in a linen bandage.  Oh, she can’t imagine a better date!  Oh, the magic!!  And then a producer shows her the magazine with the interview from her ex-boyfriend.

Jo Jo: “why are you showing me this?”

The Producer:  “The guys have seen it.”

This Author:  “Nonresponsive, move to strike.”

Jo Jo:  “MY guys???”

Cue the tears. Jo Jo is furious that she tried to be a friend to her ex, who is A Bad Person who then Profited Off of Her Pain.  She goes over to talk the guys, shows them the article, tells them that The Evil Ex brought her to “A Bad Place” and then the following happens all at once:

Annoying Alex 5 seconds ago:  “Can we even trust her?”

Annoying Alex 5 seconds later:  “It doesn’t matter true or false, we believe you Jo Jo.”

ABe:  “Does the Penis Pastor’s tattoo say ‘Joanie loves Chachi?’”

Jim Bob Taylor:  “No one cries and shakes like that with a guilty frame of mind.”

What?

Jo Jo: “I’m here now with men who are genuinely SO good.”

WHAT?

Somehow, this resolves itself while This Viewer is partaking of a cookie, and we head on to the group date.   Jo Jo is, of course, in leggings, a tank top, and a flannel shirt in the desert of Uruguay.  Good news, the men are basically wearing the same thing.  And they are all going to sand surf!  What could possibly go wrong?

This author once sandsurfed.  We were terrible!

But enough of this Author, for Beefy Jim is upset that there are so many men on the date because it makes him feel Jealous. . . .which he views as “good” because it means he “actually cares.”  We are going to give Beefy Jim a pass because he once stood up to Chump, but seriously dude.

While Beefy Jim is getting in touch with his feelings, Jordache Jeans and Robby the swimmer are at the spa getting pedicures.

We hope that they do not Get A Frankentoe. 

As we worry about Pedicures in the Mall and all infected frankenfeet associated therewith, the date card comes for Robby:  “Love is within our Reach,” it reads. 

“Dude, I got a date card.” Says Robby.  “It’s going to be Awesome.”

Dude.

Back on the group date, it is now the cocktail 1:1 meet and greet.  9021Luke is telling Jo Jo that he is pretty confident who she is, and also, how difficult exes can make it when one is trying to move forward. They kiss.   And then she kisses some others, and the BNU is not really paying attention because we are Bad People and also, trying to figure out if Jo Jo’s dress has a cut out or just “reflective tape,” around the bottom, as suggested by SaKiMe.

SaKiMe: “Um, maybe it’s for if she gets caught in a dark alley?”

But now Annoying Alex is talking.  Gentle Readers, Annoying Alex is right up there with Chump.  We seriously. Just. Cannot.  Anymore.  And Annoying Alex is even worse because he’s singled out another guy to snipe at:   Beefy Jim.

Annoying Alex:  “He’s a very jealous guy.  A calculating guy.  I don’t like him.”

Annoying Alex, switching gears in his 1:1 time with Jo Jo:  “This is real.  You can’t get this with text messages.”
ABe:  “WTF, you guys.”

Annoying Alex:  “This is the realest it’s been in my LIFE.”

ABE:  “Seriously, W.T. Actual F.”

Suddenly Annoying Alex is confessing his feelings but we have lost the thread because This Author thinks his eyes are red from being in the sand all day but ABe thinks its because of Meth. 

Either way, it doesn’t matter in the end because Beefy Jim gets the rose on this date.

At last, we are on the final date, or rather, waiting for the final date while Jo Jo allegedly plays with a wild dog on the beach while waiting for Robby.  She feels that “puppy love,” Babies, and we can only hope she means for Robby.

So this is the “let’s go see the town and get A-Cultured” date. 

“These streets are so full of culture,” gushes Jo Jo.

SaKiMe:  “Is she, like, FROM Uruguay?”
This Author:  “Nope, Texas.”

Jo Jo and Robby the Swimmer wander around, buy food, and eventually prepare to jump off a cliff.  But we at the BNU have bigger fish to fry:

ABe:  “Why is his hair so bad?”

This Author:  It’s like the man’s version of that horsey thing.”

SaKiMe:  Maybe it would be better with a pony tail?”

ABe:  “Now I can’t stop imagining him with a ponytail.”

As they strip down and jump off a cliff, Jo Jo is “comforted” by the fact that she is jumping to her certain death with an Olympic swimmer.

ABe:  “He does have a nice body at least.”

SaKiMe:  “If you look below his hair line.”

Blah blah back on the date, Robby tells the camera that he is falling in love.   And then he tells Jo Jo that back on the evening of April 17 2015, his best friend died.  And then wind goes out of this Author’s sails because last year, on the evening of April 17, 2015, this Author was having to Dance With Some Stars for The Charity while we thought our sister SHa was going to die from A Fucking Brain Tumor.  This Author cannot put into words how surreal that was.  

Suddenly, this Author is blinking back the tears with Robby and we cannot believe ourselves.  (Happy Ending:  This Author advised SHa and The Entire Universe that we were Not Going To Take That Shit, and she is now healthy and still the reason we write this putrid blog.  Good morning, SHa.).   But we cannot and will not make fun of Robby for saying that when he learned of his friend’s death, he left the job, city, and girlfriend that weren’t right for him because he didn’t want to live another day like that.  We hear you, Robby of the Horrible Hair. 

But our kinship with Robby only goes so far when he says this:  “Gravity’s gonna take you where you’re gonna go, and so is love.”

This Author:  “DEFYING GRAAAAAAAVITY……..”

Suddenly, our colleague BDe appears at the foot of the sofa.
“KLo?”   says he.

“AAAAAAVITTYYYYYYHrmfph um hello,” says this Author, suddenly conscious of the Crime Scene laid out before us.

BDe: “Is this the BNU?”

Three sets of eyes stare back at him.

“Yes,” whispers this Author.

BDe disappears down the stairs.

So, back on planet BNU, Robby tells Jo Jo that he loves her because it is week 5 so someone must do that, and he gets the rose. 

Robby:  “I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love.”

This Author, studying the giant widget affixed to Jo Jo’s finger:  “I really hate Jo Jo’s ring.” 
SaKiMe: “It’s like a window into her heart.”
This Author: “It looks like a hamster platter.”

While this date is happening, Annoying Alex is back at the house, sniping about Beefy Jim to the rest of the men and talking about picking a fight with him.  He is successful, as there is a contingent that doesn’t like that Beefy Jim got a rose or Jo Jo’s stated reason for it:  to reassure him.  Says Annoying Alex:  “I don’t need reassurance.”   We may dislike him more than Chump.

Beefy Jim concludes, rather appropriately, that Alex, Jordache Jeans, and some of the other men have essentially formed a “mean girls clique.”

At last it is the rose ceremony.  Randomly, the men are discovered wandering around a farm in the Uruguyan countryside.

Says some anonymous man:  “The dynamic has kind of switched from ‘friendly’ to ‘jealousy.’”

ABe:  HAHAHAHAHA

We know that Robby, Beefy Jim, and Jordache Jeans have roses already.  But Beefy Jim causes a minor ruckus when he tries to take the “cliquey” guys outside and talk to them about it, which goes about as well as it did in Junior High:

Jordache Jeans:  “we are not being cliquey.  And you didn’t have to bring us out here to tell us so!”

Annoying Alex:  “You’re being too sensitive.”

Some other dude: “Yeah, and you have a rose.”

We don’t care, make it end. And so it does.  Jo Jo comes out in a polyester green dress with a gold metallic waist band AND cutouts.  And then the camera pans out and we see that it ALSO has a bonus slit up to her waist. 

Says CHu:  “Whoa! Cut up to her waist!”
KMu:  “Let’s hope that’s all we see.”

And Jo Jo picks to join Robby, Beefy Jim, and Jordache Jeans:

1.  9021Luke

2.  Chase

3.  Annyong Alex.  NOOOOOO.

4.  Jim Bob Taylor.  And. . . .

5.  Wells.

Grant, Vinny, and the Penis Pastor go home.   We are not surprised by any of them.

Stay tuned for next week, when we all go to Buenos Aires, Argentina. 

KLo.

YOJO Part 4: In Which ABC Pushes The BNU Too Far

Well babies, Part 2 of the 2 part YOJO extravaganza turns out not to be (spoiler alert) that exciting.  

We leave off with Chump stomping away from Chris Harrison and back into the house as he mutters about “lines he has to draw” with the other men, while the Penis Pastor, in turn, mutters about him.  We don’t hear it, because KMu is raging her campaign against the mankinis that are so popular with this particular group pf men, and especially, with the Penis Pastor.

KMu:  “GAH.  Another one of those TANK TOPS with a tiny nipple pocket.” 
KMU two seconds later:  “Who is going to go all minimalist with the tank top and then think, hm, I NEED a tiny pocket.  What do they keep in there? A house key?”

As this Viewer May Or May Not Occasionally use her On Top Unmentionables for That Very Purpose in a pinch, we cannot throw stones.  Our grandma taught us well.

So Chump comes back in the house and “clears the air” by telling the guys he’s not there to start issues with them, and that they should just stay away from him. The Penis Pastor, who we are quickly starting to hate, whines, “You owe me a new shirt and an apology.”  Chump shoots back, “You pushed me.”  And they actually start to get into an argument about it until Wells finally cuts in and says that the “issue is that people feel uneasy in the house.”

Chump: “I am not going to be violent.  Just don’t try to fight me or push me or anything.” 
Jim Bob Taylor: “If people leave you alone and we are all respectful of you, can we all live with that?”

It continues, until Jo Jo comes to visit in a BONA FIDE ONION BASKET. 

And so, the pool party that was promised at the end of last night, begins. There are drinks, and synchronized diving, and some guy in a suit getting into the water, and games of chicken and Meh.  The Penis Pastor’s nose starts to bleed, which Chump attributes to “thinking about him.” Meanwhile, Jo Jo has monkey-clipped onto Jordache Jeans, only to confess to him that she has that “little girl excitement” around him.

KMu:  “Likely because she was a little girl about 5 minutes ago.”

Blah Blah, eventually, it’s time for 1:1 with Chump.  “Man, you are lathered up,” she says to him, and we can only hope she is referring to sunscreen.   Chump tells her that things have never been bad in the house “when we’re generally just chillin’” and then tries to explain his dislike of the Penis Pastor:  “We’re like opposite ends of the spectrum.  It’s like what would you like for dinner:  ice cream, or steak?”

The Penis Pastor, being a total dick, swoops in to interrupt Chump and Jo Jo. . . . Which causes Chump to stop off and start complaining about the other men.  This only gets worse when Jo Jo asks Derek a direct question about Chump in a subsequent 1:1, and Derek confesses that he moved bedrooms because he felt uncomfortable. Of course, Chump overhears, and then gets mad. 

Here is our thing about Derek (All Of Us).  As ABe said in the very beginning, Derek looks like a Jim from The Office.  Admittedly, a very beefed up Jim from the Office, but we have since developed a soft spot for Derek based on his appearance alone because we Heart Jim.   But now we are starting to Heart Derek/Beefy Jim For Real because Chump tries to confront him in the hallway about “stealing Chump’s girlfriend” and talking about Chump, and Beefy Jim is completely calm.  He also responds honestly, “yeah, I am” when Chump says “You scared?” AND, when Chump demands that Beefy Jim not ever talk about Chump to Jo Jo, Beefy Jim says, “Ok, if she asks me another question about you, I will tell her that you asked me not to talk about you.”

Wow, Beefy Jim is making some sense.
Chump stomps off.

Suddenly, it is the rose ceremony.  Jo Jo does a quick change from swimsuit to shiny metal midriff bearing dress situation, and she picks (joining Chase, Jim Bob Taylor, and the Penis Pastor with roses from last night):

1. Grant the Firefighter

2. Beefy Jim

3. Jordache Jeans

4. Robby the Swimmer

5. Annoying Alex

Suddenly, OUR TELEVISION FREEZES AND THEN SKIPS OVER THE REMAINING MEN.  Apparently, like Sodom, our television has looked upon the remaining men and turned into a pillar of salt.

Unfortunately, it unfreezes in time to see Jo Jo pick Chump.  NOOOOOO.   

The Vampire, some guy named Nick, and another dude whose name we can never remember (maybe Santa Claus from night one?) go home.   As they exit, Jo Jo trills that next week, they are all going to start traveling! 

Just like that, we are into the next week, at “Nemcolin Woodland Resort.” This is apparently in Pennsylvania. 

So, the last time This Author was in Pennsylvania, we were in a town so small that when we walked into the local watering hole to ask for directions, we were asked by the bartender, “you the lawyer?”   Babies, Nemcolin Woodland Park ain’t this town.  As we survey the resort, we expect at any moment that a man named Mason Stonewall Jackson III will spring from the bushes in muted pastels and jabber about the excellent chilled cod he consumed after his latest round of golf.

Jo Jo arrives via private plane.  The men arrive via ATV through the mud.  You know, like One Does.  And soon the first date card has arrived, for 9021Luke.  “I like you very mush,” it reads.

ABe, speaking Words of Truth:  “I hate his hair with every fiber of his being.  What the F*ck you guys.”

9021Luke is sort of a mix between Lyle Lovett, Ernest Goes to Camp (the best movie ever), Chris Isaac and Jason Priestley.   We try to get excited by him as they race into the woods on a dogsled under a cozy blanket that, mercifully, is NOT the kitty.   And then we actually start to like him more when she makes him chop wood to heat a wood-fired hot tub and he says “ok” and just handles it.  We are further impressed when, after Jo Jo tries to get in and scalds her foot, 9021Luke picks her up with ONE ARM.  We shouldn’t be impressed by that, but admit that we are, and are then horrified with ourselves.

Less impressive is Jo Jo’s deeply confusing bikini, which consists of about 1,000 cut outs.

KMu:  “She is half origami right now.”

Truth.

As they sit in the hot tub, 9021Luke explains that he grew up on a ranch and really likes the peace and quiet.  Though he now lives in Nashville, he grew up in Texas.  He calmly says he’s had a full life and has had the opportunity to do a lot of things, and we sort of like him more and WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US.

Jo Jo feeds 9021Luke strawberries, and our tentative truce with 9021Luke comes to an end.  Gentle Readers, strawberries are NOT A DATE FOOD.  We understand how, fueled by Crap Romance Novels set In Olden Times, ABC may be persuaded to think that it is romantic for the heroine to “stain her lips red” with fresh fruit to allegedly make herself “more kissable.”  But, said romances do NOT mention the reality that is seeds stuck all up in that heroine’s teeth like yesterday’s fried eggs. 

Blah blah, dinner continues, at which Jo Jo asks the insightful question: “I find your relaxed self- confidence really attractive and sexy.  How did you get that way?

KMu:  “What kind of question is that?”

9021Luke reveals that he got recruited to play football at Westpoint, ended up a lieutenant in the military, and went to Afghanistan, where he was further responsible for the safety of others.  “When you are 23 in that situation, you realize how much weight is on you, and you get a sense of what that means,” says he.  “You realize that tomorrow is not guaranteed, and you learn to appreciate life and determine what is important to you.”  9021Luke tells the story of a close friend who was killed in Afghanistan, and notes “emotion is not positive in that environment, but I am actually an emotional person.  I had to reconnect with that side of me when I came back home.”

So, this Viewer has one basic rule about Internet Dating:  Do not go out with a person just because they have a nice smile and are kind to their mother.  And that is what This Date has Come Down to:  We are tempted to like 9021Luke simply because he’s the only guy who has made any damn sense, other than Beefy Jim moments earlier, in four episodes.  And he also appears to be physically respectful of Jo Jo. 

That is a low, low bar babies.  But at this point, it is what we have.   

Jo Jo:  “My whole life, all I wanted was someone to appreciate me and value me, and I get that from 9021Luke.”
KMu:  “While I understand that is a very human thing to say, I hope those words never come out of my daughter’s mouth.”

9021Luke gets the rose, and they end this date getting swallowed by a fog machine as they dance on a tiny platform to the smooth song stylings of “Dan + Shay.”

Next up:  the Group Date, a/k/a when we finally learn who is still left on the island:  Beefy Jim, Chase, Jim Bob Taylor, Wells, Vinny, James F., the Penis Pastor, Jordache Jeans, Grant the Firefighter, and Robby.  “We could go all the way” reads the card. 

Oooo, this leaves Annoying Alex and Chump for the dreaded 2:1 date later on in the evening.   Chump is his usual self, but we start to feel a little (a VERY little) bad for him because, though an asshole, the other men are deliberately goading him. 

So, this group date is a poor choice for a week in which a convicted rapist has gotten a legal pass because of his whiteness, wealth, and athletic prowess, enraging This Author Beyond the Beyond.  Lo, for we see “Big Ben Roethlisberger” in the middle of a field.  He, along with some other pro football players, are going to put the men through their paces and then force them to play a game against each other, with the winning team getting to continue the date with Jo Jo.

The BNU issues a collective hiss at Roethlisberger, who is asking Jo Jo about her favorites.  We are a little surprised as she immediately points out Chase, Jim Bob Taylor and Jordache Jeans as the one with “the nice hair.”

ABe:  “Did someone say NICE HAIR?”

Blah blah after some sports items, the two teams play.  The Penis Pastor, wearing a sweatband ON TOP of his hair and a single black under one eye, declares that he is “in beast mode.  I spell ‘wind’ E.V.A.N.”  We hate him.  We also hate Jordache Jeans, who gets to play QB on both teams and is hoping, as a “former professional football player,” to impress Jo Jo.

In the end, Beefy Jim steals the ball from Wells in the last six seconds and makes a touch down to secure the win for his team.  We again appreciate Beefy Jim.

What to say about the remainder of this date?  Robby the Pro Swimmer makes out with Jo Jo on a pool table.  Jim Bob Taylor also makes A Move.  Aaaaand, Jo Jo basically tells Jordache Jeans that she thinks he’s too hot for her, and demands reassurance from him that he is feeling The Romance like she is, without actually saying that’s what she needs.  He gets the clue, and tells her he is “falling for” her by a fountain.

Jo Jo:  “I love that you’re telling me this right now.”
KMu:  “He is literally telling her words from a hallmark card.”

He gets the rose.

Back home, 9021Luke is wearing a stupid hat inside the house (points deducted), but is also calmly sitting between Annoying Alex and Chump, asking Chump reasonable questions:  “If you are at risk of going home tonight, what is the one thing you think Jo Jo really needs to know about you now?”  Chump scoffs off the answer, and when Alex explodes, Chump concludes that “the only way to get someone to shut their mouth is to hit them in it.”

ABC, this is not good television.  It is neither funny nor dramatic nor interesting to have a man who is routinely threatening violence to everyone around him, continue his so-called “pursuit” of a tiny woman 1/3 of his size.  Cut that shit out.

So, we are going to make this brief.  As we lead up to the date, Wells observes that everyone will get through this alive if Annoying Alex can keep himself in check, and Chump threatens Jordache Jeans:  “You think this is a show?  When this ends, you think I won’t find you?  You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house?” 

Jo Jo, traveling in by helicopter, feels “uneasy and sick” about the date.

Dear Women Everywhere:  If you feel uneasy and sick going into a date, it is ok to cancel it.  Even if the date is televised.  Or your wedding.  Trust This Author:  it’s better that way.

So the three of them go hiking, with Chump handing Jo Jo around every tree branch and piece of dirt.  It is beyond ridiculous, and causes ABe to rage about climbing a damn mountain all by herself.   After proceeding in silence for the entire walk, the three then lay a blanket down and sit in silence by a stream. 

Jo Jo eventually pulls Annoying Alex away for some 1:1 time, in which she asks him about Chump.  And Annnoying Alex tells the truth:  that Chump has threatened other men, including Jordache Jeans right before their date.  Jo Jo is “shocked.”   She confronts Chump in their 1:1 time:  

 Jo Jo:  “You’re sensitive, and attentive, and sweet, and those are the things I really like.”
KMu:  “Ok, has anyone actually heard a single sensitive thing come out of his mouth?”

Making matters worse, Jo Jo then confesses her confusion to Chump because ALEX told her about the threats to Jordache Jeans.

Chump:  “Oh, DID he? I’m not an aggressive guy, but Jordache Jeans pushed me, pushed me, pushed me.”
Jo Jo:  “Dude, you threatened to beat people up.”
Chump:  “Only so that they would be quiet.”
Jo Jo to the camera, tearing up:  “I knew that today was going to be tough.  Like, Chump has really ‘messed up’ and rubbed people the wrong way in the house, but his mom just died six months ago and maybe it’s all explainable.”

The BNU, in unison:  “OMG WHY DO GIRLS DO THIS?”

Chump, stomping back from his 1: 1 time with Jo Jo, concludes that he has “no options left” but to hurt Alex, and then tells Alex, “It’s unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.”

Jo Jo returns from some time alone, and summarily gives Alex the rose.

In case anyone still wondered if Rape Culture is real, Chump says “She’s faking it. She really wants me. I can tell because of the way she looked at me and talked to me.  She’s either an actress or a bitch.” 

Gentle readers, on a serious note, we are pretty sure that every woman reading the BNU today has had some experience with a man like this, including This Author.  Women:  Walk away.  Talk about it.  Men:  See it.  And name it when you see it. 

We are enraged at ABC for its conclusion of this episode.  Chump should be flying home, per ABC’s typical approach to 2:1 dates.  Instead, we see Chump stomping through the woods at night towards the house where the men are staying, saying that he needs to “find Alex” because “Alex was lying” about his threats.   Badly done, ABC.   Violence and threats do not make good television, and every last one of you is an asshole for giving Chump any more screen time.

We cannot find the entertainment in this episode and learn, with relief, that the Bachelor is going on hiatus for two weeks.  

See you on the 20th, babies. 

KLo, Enfuego.

YOJO Part 3: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Sis-boom-bah welcome to night 1 of a two night BNU event.  In the teaser, Jo Jo insists she can “see her future with someone here” and we all secretly hope it is someone off-camera.  Chump menaces us:   “When this ends, don’t think I can’t find you.”  We put down the brownie.

It must be the morning after the last rose ceremony.  Men are asleep on park benches and beach towels by the pool, and there are random bits of food, including Chump’s meat plate, everywhere.  The former competitive swimmer, whoever he is, and the Penis Pastor are awake and mourning the fact that they all have to put up with Chump for another week.   

Meanwhile, we see Chump in the kitchen talking about doing BABS that day and also, other exercises with things tied to him as he counts calories for breakfast.

Some guy:  “I feel like Chump has this cave man mentality.”
KMu:  “For the record, I am pretty sure that cavemen didn’t count calories.”

Soon, Harrison comes in to explain our fate for the next two hours:   3 dates, consisting of one group date, and two 1:1 dates.   He also drops off the first card for . . . Chase.   “Let’s get physical, love Jo Jo.” 

The BNU pauses for a discussion as to whether Chase is employed, confirming that he is in “medical sales.” 

ABe:  “Well, he has a job.  Good for him.”

Chase is excited.  We are just trying to remember what makes him different from anyone else.  Meanwhile, Chump is angry.  Chump want to smash.  Chump calms himself down by concluding that he is in a “better place with her than anyone else.  It feels like Jo Jo is just taking her time with me because we are ‘killing it’ together.”  Sigh.

Off we go to date #1, which is yoga!

“I’ve always wanted to get into yoga, but I’ve never done it!” says Jo Jo.

We are immediately tired, and become only more so when we learn that their teacher’s name is “Hemalayaa.” 
“That made up,” says KMu. “It’s just a hippie spelling of Himalaya.” 

We know that no parent gave this woman that name, as no parent could predict that she would grow up to be a “yoga instructor” on the bachelor.  We suspect that “Hemalayaaaaaa” is just a production assistant having a little fun.

At any rate, Hemalayayayaya is going to take Jo Jo and Chase on “a more intimate journey.”  She wants to know “So. . . how long have you been intimate?”

Pins Drop.

This Author, lacking an afghan, does the next best thing:

Eventually, Jo Jo sort of stumbles through the words that this is a FIRST date, so Hemalayaaaaaaaiiiiii makes them totally uncomfortable by telling them to lie on their backs, rock their pelvises, scream “hey hey hey” and eventually, have an “angergasm.”

Babies, this is called a “tantrum exercise” and we do not think it is a Real Thing except, maybe, in law firms.  Our suspicions are confirmed when we ask The Google, which tells us that “Tantrum Fitness” is not an exercise but instead a place for “sassy women’s fitness” which further includes poles, burlesque and naturally, personal training.

This whole episode concludes with Chase siting cross-legged on the floor, Jo Jo straddling him face-to-face, and the two of them staring into each other’s “third eye.”  Naturally, they make out.

Jo Jo:  “Straddling Chase, sweaty all over, I feel safe in his arms.”
This Author:  “We call this the Crouching Tiger. . . “
ABe and This Author:  “HIDDEN DRAGON.”  

The BNU erupts in cackles because we are 12 years old.

Chase:  “This has definitely built a strong foundation.”
Me:  “I’m growing right now . ..  ”
ABe:  Just looking at you girl.”  *Snort.*

We all try to grow up a little as this date progresses to dinner, of which there is barely any coverage. Basically, Jo Jo tells Chase that she felt uncomfortable on their date at first, and Chase reveals that his parents divorced at age 8 and that is the “opposite of where he wants to go.  So, you know, marriage is one and done for me.”

KMu:  “Which is why this show is PERFECT for me!”

Chase gets the rose and they wander outside to hear some guy named “Charles Kelly” rip off Elton John.  “You’re the only one.  THE only one who gets me.  Who knows me.  You’re my tiny dancer,” he croons.

The BNU turns to the brilliance that would be having Sir Elton John guest appear on the Bachelor, as Jo Jo and Chase make out.  End Scene.

While this date is happening, Daniel Occupation Canadian and Chump are working out.   And by working out, This Author means the following:

Says the Penis Pastor, for everyone, “If Chump and Daniel Occupation Canadian don’t find love with Jo Jo this season, they may ride into the sunset together.”

Eventually, the next date card comes for:  Jordache Jeans, Grant the Firefighter, Wells, James F. (who?), Christian, the Vampire, Daniel Occupation Canadian, Our Cousin Vinny, some guy named Nick, the Penis Pastor, Annoying Alex, aaaaand Chump.  “Love has no secrets” says the Card. 

Chump immediately makes friends:   “Honestly, I’d just rather not go on a date with 12 other guys.  You guys just go and I’ll get my 1:1 later.”
Jordache Jeans:  “Um, as opposed to the 20 last night, or the 26 before?  You realize what this is, right?”
Other dudes:   “Fine, then you just cross your name off this.”
Jordache Jeans: “Whatever team Chump is on, let’s hope it’s a bench press competition and not a spelling contest.”
Chump:  “You’re a 27 year old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life.”

[Insert Annoying Alex and Chump sniping at each other about their ages – 27 and 25 – and being “scared of” each other for what feels like 100 years of screen time.]

Everyone in this room needs to be eliminated.

As the guys get into two limos, Annoying Alex complains that Chump is not “here for the right reasons” and we all drink.   And then we begin to drink more earnestly when they all show up at the Atwater Village Theater and pile into the audience to see . . . this woman on stage . . . basically fake an orgasm.   Grant the firefighter, for All Of Us, is like this:

This Author, having run out of sweatshirt to pull over our face, does the next best thing:

And for the second time this evening, pins drop.

The Woman:  “I just had an organism.  Do you guys want to know how I do that?”
KMu:  “I have so many questions.”

Soon, a second woman in the biggest hot pink palazzo pants ever comes on stage and says, “Welcome to Sex Talks!  Today we are going to have a group of people telling their deepest darkest secrets about sex.”

We are not going to survive this part of the show.

The Penis Pastor is thrilled:  “I talk about sex all day.  This is like a day in the office.”
KMu:  “Well, I guess he has a level head about it.  Pun intended.”

So the men are at various levels of horrified and thrilled, with Jordache Jeans saying that he does not usually even tell his FRIENDS about such items, Daniel Occupation Canadian saying that he ‘loves talking about sex and weird things.  Poo is funny.” And Chump doing what he always does; namely, dealing with his own discomfort by claiming that others are not worthy:  “I don’t want to talk to Jo Jo about my past or her past.  She hasn’t earned that yet.  That’s none of her business.”

ABe, for the Best Comparison Ever:  “This is like what happens when ANYONE is permitted to lead  Childrens’ Time at church.  You never know what the F*ck is going to come out of their mouths.  You know, ‘Ok boys and girls, you know when you get so mad at a person that you just want to shoot someone in the face? You shouldn’t do that because God will smite them for you in the end.’  I am telling you, that really happened once.”

As the men work on their stories, the Penis Pastor proposes to Annoying Alex that he is going to tell stories about Chump because that would be “funny.”  No, it will not be, and this is a terrible idea.   

As the evening progresses, this Author is on the edge of her seat with The Stresses as ABC takes us through the PG-ish portions of what are no doubt stories Which Cannot Be Told in Prime Time.  To whit:

Daniel the Canadian, for what should Never Be Words Included in a Sex Talk:  “I always carry a knife on me when I am traveling.”

And then the Penis Pastor takes the stage.  And This Author Has Assumed The Position:

Babies, it is terrible.  He tells some kind of wandering cautionary tale about the dangers of steroid usage which includes such gems as “and you call your girlfriends ‘naggy’ when you use steroids.”

As the Penis Pastor goes back to his seat, Chump stands up to come down on stage and. . . rips the Penis Pastor’s shirt.  On the one hand, he sort of deserves that.  On the other hand, what happens next is only more cringeworthy.

“I’m going to need a volunteer.  Jo Jo, can I get you up here,” says Chump.  And once she’s down on stage, Chump makes his power play.  Taking her in his arms, he croons, “They know nothing about you and me.  It’s not about the past.  It’s about the future.”   And as he goes in for The Big Kiss, she TURNS HER CHEEK.

Annoying Alex:  “I just witnessed the greatest disaster of mankind.”
ABe and KMu in unison:  “SEND THAT DUDE HOME.”

We are so sick of Annoying Alex, who is now chest bumping the Penis Pastor as Chump menacingly punches a metal door.  He marches up to the Penis Pastor and warns him, “You are going to f*ing die if you don’t chill out.”  And then tells the world, “If I can’t lift weights, I’m going to f*ing kill someone.”

We hate all of these people and want them all to go home.

This date continues at “Big Daddy’s.” 
ABe:  “Wait, I didn’t know Big Daddy was on this show.”
We only wish, as he and Molly Who Will Not Age Well would be such an improvement.

Basically, the Parade of Horribles continues on this date.  Jordache Jeans confesses that he spent too much time being who he thought he needed to be and not enough time being who he really was with his last girlfriend.   Says he:  “It means a lot for me to be in a place where, like, I’m so attracted to Jo Jo” and we have no words.    

Annoying Alex does not improve things, as he tells Jo Jo he is “ride or die” whatever the hell that means.  Soon Jo Jo is with Wells and talking about how she needs to feel “safe” in a relationship.  And then she shuts Chump down when she’s talking to  . . . we don’t know?  Derek?  . . . because he has tried to steal her away even as she is just sitting down with Derek.   So Chump goes around the corner, noisily pulls up a chair, and starts whistling.

This Man. Is. An. Asshole.

When Chump finally gets time with Jo Jo, he complains that “OTHER PEOPLE are trying to make me look like a jerk.”   He also tells her a revisionist history of how he only grabbed the Penis Pastor’s shirt because the Penis Pastor shoved him because, you know, Chump never instigates, he “only retaliates.” This is the same story he told Our Cousin Vinny shortly before, when we at the BNU were all fervently wishing that Vinny would just stop asking questions of Chump and enjoy the silence. 

At any rate, Jo Jo goes for it:

Her:  “You confuse me because you have so many sides.  Sometimes when you’re with me, I see this soft side of you.”
KMu, for All Of Us:  “No, that is false.  There is no soft side.  The only confusion is that you like bad boys.”

So the date continues, with the Penis Pastor trying to demand an apology from Chump, Chump ordering the Penis Pastor not to go within 100 feet of him, Chump complaining about all the other men, and the Penis Pastor telling Jo Jo that it may not work out between them, but he will not stay in the house if Chump stays in the house.   Jo Jo doesn’t know what to do with that news *coughREJECTTHEMALLcough* and so she . . . gives the rose to the Penis Pastor.

He crows to his children, who are apparently watching this shitshow back at home:  “Hey guess what kids . . .Daddy made out with Jo Jo!”  No. Words.

ABe:  “And also, they didn’t make out. That was a chaste kiss.”

The night ends with Chump interrupting Jo Jo’s “thanks for a wonderful (because I am blind woman in a mad mad world) date” speech. 
“Is this for real, man?” he demands of her.  “Are you actually vibing this dude?”
Jo Jo finally shuts him down:  “You are being disrespectful, and I don’t like this side of you.”

Chump hocks a loogie on his way out the door.  “No girl on planet earth ever chooses Evan for anything, other than like to sweep their front yard.”  Chump, no girl on planet earth would choose you either, except the lowest of the low self-esteem.

But there is more.

Our teeth continue to be on edge, but this time for a different reason, as Jim Bob Taylor gets the final 1:1 date.  “Let’s kick it old school,” says the card.
ABe, for The Universe:  “God, I hope he doesn’t sing.”

Turns out, they are going to learn the jitterbug from “the old woman that threw the diamond into the sea in Titanic,” concludes KMu.  Except we love Jean (said old woman) both because she is fabulous and also, because her name is this author’s middle name.  Our mother named us for the boardroom Babies, gender neutral all around (you may think we are making this up, but We Are Not). Boardroom/BNU. . . same thing.  Sort of.

So, Jim Bob Taylor CANNOT dance.   As it takes him about forever to learn the same basic rock step, we start the Pit Sweat of Friend Zone Anxiety.   But eventually, Jim Bob gets it and they leave he studio to discover a SPONTANEOUS JITTERBUG DANCE IN THE STREET. 

KMu:  “Wait, do you guys think this is set up or?”
KMu again:  “This totally happens to me every time I go downtown.” 

Later on this date, Jo Jo confesses to the camera that she and Jim Bob Taylor have All The Feels or if it isn’t just a better friendship.   He makes things better by putting his arm around her and confessing that he still sees himself as a giant nerd of a kid.  And that he doesn’t see himself “on that level” with other guys, especially with pretty women.

ABe:  “You need to kiss her right now or its all over.”
KMu:  “Girl’s about to friend zone you, dude.”

Eventually, Jo Jo gives Jim Bob Taylor a pep talk about being the entire package, and then she gives him the rose on this date and in response he HUGS HER AND WE ARE ALL SCREAMING.   

And THEN IT GETS WORSE because Jim Bob brings out his guitar yet STILL has made ZERO MOVES.  This would annoy All Of The Shits Out of This Viewer (the guitar part, not the moves part.)

As the BNU screams “friend zone!!” Jim Bob finally, finally gets up the nerve to kiss Jo Jo and it is not terrible.  So, he’s apparently had some practice despite all of his comments suggesting otherwise.  For Jo Jo’s part, she “didn’t know if she would be able to feel the emotions with Jim Bob, but now all I feel is emotion.”  Really?

Back at the house, Daniel Occupation Canadian is talking to Chump about the security guards with apparently have now been added to the house.  He also tells Chump to Tone It Down in his own special way:

Daniel:  “So let’s pretend you are Hitler.”
Chump:  “Let’s not pretend that.”
Daniel:  Ok, well let’s take it down a notch and pretend you are like, Trump, or Mussolini, or Bush. Dude, you are making me look bad.  Tone it down.”

There are so many things wrong with this conversation,  not the least of which is the fact that Chump is eating a tasty treat the entire time:

KMu: “I hear sweet potato pairs well with fascism.”

Awkwardly, this portion of the Two Part Saga for the week ends with Chris Harrison coming in the room to announce that Jo Jo wants to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party for the evening.   The Penis Pastor follows Harrison out of the house, expresses his “concerns” about physical violence from Chump, and Harrison makes it all worse by calling Chump out:

Harrison: “People say you are on steroids.”
Chump:  “Well, there is NO WAY I could have BROUGHT THEM WITH ME.”
Harrison:  “Well, you need to go settle this.”
Chump, marching back to the house:  “I am so pissed right now.  I am going to F*ck up this entire thing.”

What could possibly go wrong?  Stay tuned for tomorrow, babies.

KLo.