PLo Part 5: We Have What You Call, A "Situation"

Episode 5 of our favorite show (yes it is. for all of us.) begins with a walk down memory lane, in which ABC recaps all the relevant points thus far. This viewer's favorite: "Sadie learned that her feelings for PLo were just as strong as her morals." Mwaaaahahaha.

Speaking of Sadie, we all go to San Diego to meet her family for the first home town date. As she meets PLo at the pier, we are endeared that she runs like she's tripping over herself, but horrified that she has adopted Britney Spears' terry cloth romper-meets-sundress. We soon realize that "Mu Mu" is a running theme in Sadie's life as our eyes are accosted by her best friend, Alexis. Alexis is a very pretty woman, but a windsurfing sail does not a dress make. Particularly of the tie-dye variety.

Once our eyes adjust, we meet Sadie's dad Reid, mom Colleen, and some nondescript sister. We are actually appreciative that, other than the unfortunate morals comment from before the ad break, ABC does not portray this relatively normal Christian family as the Revival Flames group from this viewer's college. Dinner is a non-event. PLo says he realizes where Sadie gets all her good qualities, Sadie says that PLo reminds her "of daddy." Mom says to "Guard her heart." And we fade out to PLo and Sadie on "Moonlight beach" making out by a pit fire in the sand. We are pretty sure that Sadie is wrapped in that blanket-that-snaps-into-a-bathrobe that this viewer got from LTD last year.

Then suddenly, we realize why we do not go to the park on dates. Le 'Ca flashes before our eyes on a swing, making some snarky comment about how you can't take the maid out of a girl. As we stare in horror at her fleshly backside squeezed oh-so-unflatteringly by the strap of the swingseat, we give props to the malicious camera person for shooting from the ground up.

Date #2 is with Lisa in Portland Oregon. This viewer strongly suggests that Lisa watch Lucky Number Seven on the ABC Family channel, before blathering on about her mapped-out love life one more time. But before we begin to retell the story of poor Brad Paisley's wife who believed she would marry the seventh guy she dated, we see the Ugliest Pug Dog Ever. We are confident that Gene Simmons owned this dog at one time, as its tongue is about 20 inches long. At any rate, Lisa brings PLo to her place, where they take a chapter from HGTv and paint a fresco on her wall. Martha S would be so proud. Of course, they dabble paint on each other....UNTIL....

Lisa's best friend Ali shows up with a wedding dress AND A TIARA. She thinks she would help Lisa along with her whole timeline, just in case the wedding magazines weren't enough of a hint. And as further assistance, she TELLS Plo about said timeline. Lisa is "pretty sure that seeing me in the wedding dress made PLo think I could be the One." And PLo is "Completely freaked out" by it. We love PLo, even if he can't kiss.

Next, we meet Lisa's brother Alex, Dad Fred, and Mom Tina. We are pretty sure that Fred is the most chilled out dad that ever there could be, as he calmly says that Lisa is "a planner" and wonders if PLo is ready to settle down. Meanwhile, Tina gives PLo a lesson in Pilates, which she apparently teaches. Because, you know, I want to lay on my back on some strange woman's floor, flap my arms up and down, and take 10 short breaths and out in "The Hundred" after dinner.

Date 3 is in Miami Beach with Jen. As we all know, we hate Jen because she is reallyexcitedforPLotomeether parentsbecausethatcould
meanthattheymightreallygetmarriedohmygosh!!!! We want to stuff her camo hat down her throat. But instead, we get the next best thing. Jen and PLo go fishing, where Jen catches a shark (for real), kisses its fishyness, and then spends the rest of the boatride trying valiently to avoid kissing PLo. We did not realize that she was so bendy.

So we go to Jen's house, where her dad Dennis has an "extensive" gun collection. We are also beginning to wonder what is up with PLo and the toy dogs, as Jen has some little rat of a terrier. Anyhow, Dennis wants to know if PLo is worthy of his princess. He begins each sentence with "Yo, Lorenzo." PLo seals his fate by focusing on how "attractive" he thinks Jen is when telling Dennis how he feels about Jen. Dennis takes out his high powered rifle, loads it and cocks it: "This is what I would grab for the individual that ever treated my daughter badly. I would find him, and hunt him, and get him. We would have what we call a 'situation.'" Run, PLo, Run.

But he doesn't. Which is why he is on the Bachelor. Quick like tree.

Once again, we get another flash to Le 'Ca. Um, she has some things in common with Princess Di. Even though she was a nanny, and Le Ca doesn't want to be one. We conclude that Le 'Ca is not worthy of commentary in the Bachelor News Update.

Finally, we have the last date in Venice, Italy with Agnese (formerly Agneblahblah). We conclude that her brother is cute, her sister canNOT be a real blonde, and her parents are fabulous, but the communication is not there even though Agnese completely rocks the English translating. We love that they dance after dinner in Tricorn hats. However, if we have to hear how "the most beautiful sight was Agnese," we may vomit a little into our mouths. It is "really hard" for PLo to say goodbye to Angese, so we all know she's getting the axe at the next rose ceremony.

And at last, that magical day arrives. The women channel that Celtic Women Sing Christmas cd "as seen on television" as they stand in their jewel-toned dresses before the castle and smile. Lisa looks like a giant turquoise bell. Agnese is a purple disco inferno. And she gets to shake shake shake her booty all the way to the limo, as PLo picks:
1) Sadie
2) Jen, and
3) Lisa. NOOOOOOOO.

Stay tuned for next week, in which Jen - having experienced the overnight date - now feels that she is ready to get married and have kids at the ripe age of 23.

Keep it real, my babies.

PLo Part 4: PLo's Make a Wish Foundation

"Hollah, bitches." The Bachelor Episode 4 shows us that there is No Place Like Rome when Le 'Ca rears her tiared head in a pink cape tied with pom-poms. Damn, we think. We thought she was axed. But no, she has returned to decide who gets the two 1 on 1 dates with PLo. Or as she says, she must determine "who is the least desiring of becoming a princess" and "who is the most insincere woman in the house." It of course, "takes a princess to know a princess." Yes, well, I'm sure that if you found a pea in your mattresses you would bitch about it, Le Ca.

So we have a little Real World video confessional in which every woman squewers Lisa except Lisa herself, who says that Jen is not a princess because she's not that pretty without makeup. We remind Lisa that in our youth (and therefore her infanthood), Seventeen Magazine concluded that the majority of bachelors out there preferred less makeup, which was comforting to us. Although we secretely knew that were too lazy to change our makeup-less ways even if it had been the other way around. And also unswayed by teen magazines. And twitty bachelors.

Anyway, Sadie starts to cry, but we don't really care because we are too distracted by her outfit. We did not realize that one could wear black pantyhose over a white tank top and not be engaged in robbing a bank. But whatever she says works, as she gets to "Fly with PLo for a Day of Pampering."

Sadie thinks that PLo is "hot, cute, AND smart" (this viewer seriously thinks this is the initiation of that particular word on Bachelor history) because he flys a plane. She also "really wants to make out with him," but fails to achieve lift-off in the hot tub, where they hover weirdly in the water. But she finally gets her kiss at dinner... and after dinner on the Mork & Mindy egg seat conveniently by the table. She, of course, gets the rose. He gets a San Diego Chargers t-shirt that says "whatever it takes." We think Sadie should have given that to Lisa, for reasons which shall be revealed on future episodes of the bachelor.

Meanwhile back at the Pink House, the group date box comes for Jeanette, Lisa, Angeblahblah, and Desiree. They get to be sexy roman goddesses, baby. Although Lisa knows "nothing about Roman history, but anything you want to know about Bachelor history." This viewer suddenly realizes that dear god, Certain Readers may think she is Lisa. Fortunately, we are not 25. We make no statement on our alleged knowledge of historical events of the bachelor variety.

The group date is at the Roman Aquaducts, where the women chariot race to get PLo to grant their wish. Jeanette makes it to the final race with PLo, who is winning and then "all of a sudden, Jeanette's team pulled out at the end and won!" Seriously, PLo, if you can't figure out why THAT happened on THIS show, you are lost to me. But Jeanette completely craps out on her wish, saying that she just wants him to enjoy the day. We no longer like Jeanette, as she is just too young.

The rest of the date is a "pool party," in which no rose is given. Although Lisa does say to some other chick that if she gets a home town date, she has it all planned: They will get her dog at the dog walk, go to the park, eat dinner at her house (in which her brother will serve), and then go for gelatos. Mwahaaaa. We are SO EXCITED to see this hometown date we cannot even tell you. We are equally excited to watch Lisa break the news to her brother.

Finally, the last date is with Jennifer. Okay, we just have to say that we CAN'T STAND this woman. We will call her Winnie because she does, dear readers. We have no tolerance for breathless giggles except in small children and perhaps late at night after too much wine.

So Winnie gets into her carriage ride and flashes the camera with a shot of her gum and squinty eye. She and PLo drink 40 oz.'s as the tool around Rome, and he says delightful things like, "Tonight is not only about Rome, but also about dinner." WTF. Her response: "Oooo, wow!" "Gosh!" "I'm so excited!" wtfwtfwtfwtf. So they have dinner, where we learn she plans to get a Masters in Guidance & Counseling, as she likes to help people with their problems. And he says (you knew this was coming): "I have a problem...I want more nights like this, and I don't know how to get them." And she says, "Oh, well, maybe you're going out with the wrong people." And we cringe because we cannot stand the winnying anymore. But he can, because he takes her to the Trevi fountain to make a wish. And it must have come true, because she gets the rose.

Back at the pink house, Desiree and Lisa get drunk and go skinny-dipping. We do not think this reminds us of streaking through the church in college during organ practice. No, we do not.

Finally, the rose ceremony. We are pretty sure that Sadie is wearing an entire black bear around her shoulders. We understand that she is trying to look elegant, but she looks like a haggy Grace Kelly. However, Jennifer/Winnie is no better, having chosen to wear her baton twirling costume. I suppose if we had a rose, we too would wear emerald green with a giant V of spangles on the front.

Jeanette and Desiree think that Lisa Knows Too Much about the show and is Not Here for the Right Reasons, but both get axed in the end. In a serious upset, PLo picks Angeblahblah and Lisa to join Jennifer/Winne and Sadie for the next round of Home Town dates.

Stay tuned for next week, in which a shot gun and a wedding dress make their appearance. Sadly, not in the same date.

PLo Part 3: I'll Be Back, my Pretties

The Bachelor Episode 3 begins in some confusion, as we spy some sort of pink stucco house that the women are living in and wonder if this is not in fact "The Bachelor: Rome" but really "The Bachelor: Florida." We were under the impression that they lived in the castle, but apparently not so.

Rena Infantino shows up to teach the women an aria in Italian. Ooo oo, the women must perform this in front of Rena (who we secretly think should have been a dialysis nurse and not an opera singer with that name) and the best one gets a private date with PLo!!! We are totally excited until we find ourselves in Act Three of the Miracle Worker: WA. Wa. WA- Tah. Nobody can sing. Not even a little bit. But in the end, Rena issues her only spoken edict: "A few of des girls are impressive, but I choose Jami." WHOOT. We love Jami.

So Jami gets the only one on one date, to the opera with PLo. Before they go, he gives her this giant 2M collar of jewels to wear, which include some sort of pink stone. Just say no to the pink, Jami. But she doesn't, and he, she, and the Jared Jewely A-team head off in his Italian sports car. **Flash to Erica in a tiara: "There's no way that Jami is getting a rose." (read: On the witching hour, this pretty is MINE." eeeheeeee heee). *** PLo says "words can't describe" driving with J as she's wearing 2M in jewels. Sweet PLo, that's why I'm here.

The opera is.... well, Jami is just a small town girl from TX, so these things don't happen to her. Unfortunately, the singing does happen again as she treats PLo to her aria (Wa Ta). PLo says this is the best he's ever heard so now we know she's going home at the end of the date. And sure enough, she gets the boot after a guy named Vittorio pops out from the curtain and causes this viewer to choke on her ice cream sandwich (which we did not eat after going to the gym, no we did not). He may be famous, but he sings as if sucking lemons and reminds this viewer forcibly of a telenovela character. But as he is singing, PLo realizes that dancing with Jami is like dancing with his sister, which he TELLS HER (dumbass) . He then declines to give her the rose and lets her drive off, without the jewels and without the rose, in a station wagon. Downgrade. We are sad for Jami, as we loved her.

But we move on to the Group Date in Tuscany with Gina, Jeannette, Lisa, Sadie, Jennifer, and Desiree. When we learn this date location, we are momentarily lost in reverie about a romance we once read in which the hero was an italian master of disguises with a home in Tuscany and the lady was a control freak. ANYWAY, the big news here is that Gina speaks for the first time. We had completely forgotten all about her, figuring her to be a mute who just made wild face girations during the rose ceremony. Apparentely not. She says she wants to stick around.

So we have a wine tasting, where we discover that we might like Jeanette because she doesn't wear too much makeup and actually makes sense when she talks. Lisa informs the world that the date doesn't feel romantic because she's there with 5 other women and it's not like her 1:1 dates with PLo. Desiree wants to stab her in the eyes. Sadie tells PLo she's saving herself for marriage and PLo looks nervous and does that classic, "Oh, that's cool man. Thanks for showing me your values." They all go swimming. Then Lisa gets a Kiss in her 1:1 time, which is really good for her "timeline" because it keeps things on track. Then in truth or dare, PLo averts the question "who have you kissed" by saying he's kissed everyone . . . on the cheek. Lisa thinks that he's Protecting Her, and we think she is ridiculous and More Than A Little Freakity.

And then it hits us quite forcibly: SweetMaryonButteredToast, Jennifer the teacher is a twit. PLo asks her about teaching, and she giggles and says, "Ready. Okay!" (ok maybe not really, but it might as well have been a cheer). She "fell into" teaching, and it's really (she starts to cry) a rewarding profession, to see the kids come back the next year and remember you. How do you FALL into teaching at 23? How do you know what it's like to have the kids come back when surely, surely they only came back one year of your short little life? We ponder these questions.

Thankfully, Jeanette gets the rose on this date.

Finally, and because this Update is far too long already, we have the last date with Anajeseblahblah and Le 'Ca. We hate Erica for saying that A is the least attractive woman in the house, as we are pretty sure that one who reminds us forcibly of Miss Piggy has no room to talk. In any event, this date is at the Castle, where PLo lives. Anajeseblahblah pretty much has this date in her pocket because all she has to do is be normal. Sadly, this proves too much for Le 'Ca.

Le 'Ca already has done the things on this little trip to Rome. She's been here before. She's ridden in a helicopter before. She's seen the sights before. In her mind, Anajeseblahblah is the bottom rung. Sadie, as a virgin, is a "little more rare" and therefore a notch above A. Jeanette might be one or two notches above Sadie. But Le 'Ca, you see, is 100s of notches above them. But we don't have time to determine of whose bedpost she speaks, as PLo says that she's got a split personality and kicks her off. And she goes APE. She thought he would understand her because they both come from a certain background, and so she thought he wouldn't judge. Every guy she's ever met has judged her because she's pretty, smart, and comes from a privileged background. PLo tells her that's the point and shuts the door.

Ding dong, the witch is dead. She sips her brew in the limo (why does she get a limo but Jami got a subaru?) and ponders the "disgusting little fairy tale; the poor girl meats the rich guy and they live happily ever after"

And last, the Rose Ceremony. In addition to Jeanette and Anajaseblahblah, he picks
1. "Cute little Sadie."
2. Lisa (noooooo!)
****Gina bites her lip
3. Jennifer (dammit)
***Gina rolls one eyeball to the side, bites her lip
4. Desiree ("this means so much, baby!)
**** Gina stomps her foot and looks away.

Gina is totally devastated. She would have given him everything.

Stay tuned for next week, when Suspicions Rise over Lisa, who "knows too much about the show, and how things work" and Le 'Ca returns to mix things up.

KLo

PLo Part 2: Goodburger

The Bachelor Episode 2 begins with devastation: PLo's ability to express his emotions appear limited to "I feel like a King." We realize that he is, in fact, royalty, yet we still wonder what sort of King and if he would like fries with that.

Chris Harrison starts us off, announcing (surprise surprise) that we will watch two group dates and one individual date. Lisa, our Earner of the First Rose, gets the first individual date, which has her all aglow. Erica the socialite is mad because Lisa just had to hug some trees to get it! But she will not go down without a fight. Le 'Ca grabs the first date box in her tiara and handkerchief dress with what can only be my funky-in-a-bad-way blue felt costume earring with the sequins glued on securing her dangerously heaving bosoms together. We would not get between Le 'Ca and her King, that is for sure.

We flash to Le 'Ca, confessional-style. "Dear camera, I really was not impressed with the house at all. Mr. Chris Harrison, I don't want to be in a room with three other girls, and I don't have a maid. This is ridiculous. My room at home is 5 times bigger." For a moment, we consider donating our apartment to Erica, along with our crazy downstairs neighbor Miss Marie and her dog Poo Bear. But then we realize, Le 'Ca might actually like said dog, as she had hers dressed like a little American Girl doll in the first episode.

Anyhow, the first date starts up with Le 'Ca, Jami, Sadie, Ellen, and Agnablahblah, plus one extra from the set of Deliverance posing as a Roman Guard at the Coliseum. Not much here except a scooter ride around town. You know, this reader would feel like a damn fool on a scooter. And others of us may not be able to get the image of our host sister in a foreign land sitting with her enormous bottom like a cliff-hanger at the end of the page that is the seat bottom of her own personal scooter out of our minds. But these women, THESE women look cute. Even in knee-length shorts and high heels. We hate them. Despite these distractions, we are impressed that Le 'Ca has managed to convince PLo that her license has "expired" and that she must ride with the aforementioned bosoms pressed to his back.

When they return to the Coliseum, we are treated to a "very special surprise" that we know PLo couldn't have planned (even though he claims he did) because no man other than my gay high school prom date would have done so: the women get to pick their own designer dress and have a cocktail party. We are not impressed with this, and waffle in our support of Jami, who says, "How did we get so lucky" and whose cocktail dress reveals tattoos that express her personality--a butterfly and stars. We feel more like a vulture than a butterfly or a star, and our identification with Jami weakens. Sadie, a sweet little blonde thing who is saving herself for marriage, gets the individual rose on this date. We kind of like her.

Date #2 is with Lisa in the Park Borghese, with a picnic basket of the whicker variety. In her own words, she has watched a lot of seasons of the Bachelor. With her engaged = 1 year, married = 2 years, kids =5 years timeline, this is a really great for her because she needs to find somebody right away. PLo unwittingly foils this plan by saying he doesn't like people with timelines, and then (I am not making this shizz up), serves her a PLATTER OF HAMBURGERS. Lisa ends up getting a rose on this date, but we are starting to wonder if something isn't batshit crazy about her.

Date #3 is the final group date, with Jennifer, Sarah, Kim, Desiree, Jeannette, and Gina at the beach. He shows up with several helicopters (Ellen: "This prince came in a white helicopter.!!!") that the women are supposed to board, causing the one woman wearing shorts to be very, very thankful. Desiree (yeah, baby) can barely contain her excitement. We later learn that while she has a serious side, she loves being in love. Dear readers, she is "totally the kind that will show up at work and have a little fun in your office." She is "a little kinky, baby." Thanks for that, Desiree.

We don't know much about the villa where this date occurs, except that it contains a perfectly ginormous fruit plate. The women play tackle football (blondes v. brunettes, of course), and Desiree reports that PLo is "simply gorgeous" with his shirt off. We concede he's pretty cute, but are completely annoyed by his apparent attraction to Jennifer, the really, really perky reading teacher, age 23. She, of course, gets the rose on this date. But the BEST part is that Kim gets completely trashed, falls into a lighting guy for the show, and passes out. Shee planted ze last rose. She had swimming beads. Hellutz. No, you're laughig wid me. Waz?

Finally, finally we are at the end. PLo tells the women that they are at a beautiful place, but not as beautiful as them. During some "one on one" time with PLo, Agnablahblah wins props for characterizing the other women in the house as screetchity crazies. Kim justifies "falling asleep" on the last group date, Lisa is catty to a couple women, and Jami and Desiree find PLo's bedroom, as D must "smell and roll around" in PLo's sheets. OMG. All the women end up back in the bedroom, where Sarah wants to see if PLo has dancing skills. Sweet Jesus, save us from the funky chicken and I will never sin again.

Kim goes to sleep.

Le 'Ca wants a rose because PLo is royalty, not a commoner, and needs her.

And in the end, he picks (in addition to Lisa, Sadie, and Jennifer)
1. Jeanette, of whom we have no opinion
2. Desiree (oooo, baby, thank you so much!)
3. Jami
4. Gina. Okay, stop the press. This woman has got the worst ability to keep her face normal of anyone I have ever seen. She went from sulks to daggars to the Joker when she got a rose faster than spit.
5. Angneblahblah
6. Le 'Ca. Le WTF.

We are seriously annoyed that he cut Sarah, Ellen, and (not so much here. okay, we don't care.) Kim.

But next week, NEXT WEEK, dear readers, PLo once again "feels like a king" and has a 2M necklace to give away. Oh, and Le 'Ca loses her mind.

Stay true, babies.

P.Lo. Part 1: Oh Sweet Jesus

Dooo doo doo doo doo, doo Doo Barriillllllaaaaaa!!!! The Bachelor- Rome opens with our fair prince, Lorenzo Borghese, tossing a soccer ball in slo mo towards a youth on the street, stopping to smell a rose, and then going home to eat some pasta from a box so fresh it puts the neighboring Italian restaurant out of business. Ok, so not really, but it isn't every girl's dream to marry a prince who can play slo mo soccer. Some of us will settle for one who cooks us dinner, especially after eating from the same large pizza for an entire weekend.

But I digress.

The fresh prince is 34, simply calls himself "Lorenzo," played pee wee football, and owned a weener dog he liked to soulfully stare over the top of when taking photos in his youth. He is a pilot. He has a business in cosmetics. PET COSMETICS, people. I don't know what that nastiness is we see him rubbing on his hand during a teleconference "day in the life" moment, but it's green and doesn't belong on my face. However, we admit we might slightlyhavealittlecrushonhim because he looks like Steve Carrell and we loved the 40 Year Old Virgin. We hope P.Lo.'s not one.

Chris Harrison, our host, introduces him. Chris: "What do you think your famous ancestors, including the Pope, would think of you doing this show?" P.Lo.: "They would say, 'what are you doing?'" It's okay, Mulan, your ancestors will protect you on this journey. And when in doubt, just ask WWPD.

But first, we must meet the women. We hope that Lorenzo likes the screetchity ones, because he got saddled with a whole pile of 'em.

Erica the Socialite from Texas has a mwa-mwa kissy mother who runs around in a gold lame trimmed sundress. Le 'Ca is shocked to learn she must leave for Italy that very day, but fortunately her mom and housekeeper are there to assist her. But she might not want to bring her fur because of animal rights. We later learn that this is the first trip she has taken flying coach. We hate her. Particularly because she is a slow walker.

Quickly thereafter, we meet:
1. Sadie the publicist, whose career is going places with a headline like "it's every girl's dream to marry a prince"
2. Kim, who apparently is only going to put on only one glass slipper,
3. Jeanette, the teacher who is going to give all that her turquoise swimsuit can handle in this experience;
4. The moviestars:
--Rosella a/k/a Marissa Tomei in My Cousin Vinnie. We like her because she sold her car to come to Italy, but we don't like her anvil hairdo.
--Heather a/k/a Farah Fawcett when she went apeshit on David Letterman
--Andrea a/k/a Annette Benning lite
--Desiree a/k/a Sharon Stone. In a really, really bad way.
--Gina a/k/a Posh Spice. So busy shooting daggers at everyone else she forgets to blink.
5. Jennifer the 8th grade reading teacher that is REALLY EXCITED oh my gosh to be on this show and have this opportunity
6. Meri, who would be a goose if she were to be an animal. Sadly, she is an attorney.
7. Several other women whose dresses are either cut up to their hoo ha or down to their fancy. We simply note for purposes of this update that the Brunette appears to be making a comeback on the Bachelor, real or camouflaged.

We like exactly two women:
1. Jami from Texas, who grew up on a farm and briefly blinds us in a macrame dress she plans to whip out at some point but tastefully wears a pink number that only an amazon blonde such as herself can pull off and still make us like her for it. AND she likes the rolling stones. AND Bon Jovi.
2. Sarah from British Columbia, who Lorenzo tells he loves her dress, her hair . . . her glitter. hahaahaahaaa. We love Sarah.
3. We concede we may like some others upon further introduction.

But before we can consider the other women, we are instantly blindsided by Desiree. Desiree comes out of the limo in a white mini- toga regretfully concealing no shelf bra. She is ready to "bubble it up, baby." She gives a shout out to Mary Catherine Gallagher as she runs into the bachelorette pad, and later steals Lorezo so that she can tell him that she's "definately feeling him. He's extremely hot, baby." She also wants to "shake it" for him. Sadly, his comment that he's seen that in Vegas is lost on her.

Then boom--we are on to Lisa. Lisa is only 25, but has her love life "mapped out." She plans to be married at age 27, and will be engaged one year before that. We laugh at her, and then instantly stop when Lorenzo gives her his first rose of the evening, coupled with a pair of 2k diamond earrings. After she made him hug a tree. Apparently, P.Lo. and I would have gotten along very well in jr. high.

But all of this is too bad for Kim, who wanted "those f*ing earrings bad." She should have known better than to wear a Queen-of-England-neck-ruff-meets-wedding-singer-tuxlike shirt. It's Italy, Kimmie, not turn-of-two-centuries ago England or the backseat at prom.

Then, dear readers, Andrea (Annette B.) busts into song from the balcony. We are embarrassed for her but not too much because we are secretely getting annoyed with her throaty "buena serra" too-sexy-for-her corset topness. P.Lo. later says this was a nice Moment.

And apparently, the party has only just begun, as Andrea (Farah) starts her drunken "bring it on." We hate whichever woman says that "for an older woman [34], Andrea is not presenting herself well." We decide that one of the dozen 22 year old realtors made this comment, and we resolve to attend all future real estate transactions in heels. Andrea drunkenly informs P.Lo. that she likes cheeseburgers, which we all know is impossible because she looks like she hasn't eaten one in about 33 years.

And then, CRISIS: Chris H. throws two bona fide Italian babes in the mix. Cosetta, a "dancer" (we are thinking of the Kitty Kat Lounge variety) and Anajezeblahblah, a blindingly beautiful student who speaks no English whatsoever but whom he still picks for her brain. ahem. As morning dawns ( I would so be sleeping on the cobblestones at this point), P.Lo. picks the remaining 10 women:
1. Kim of the ruff
2. Jeannette of the swimsuit
3. Jami (we love her)
4. Ellen (we may love her)
5. Sarah (yay)
6. Desiree--nooooo
7. Jen, the perky reader
8. Gina/Posh spice
9. Le 'Ca (b/c she's wearing a tiara)
10. Sadie, we think a realtor.

These 10 will join Anajezeblahblah and Lisa as P.Lo finds his alleged bride to be. We hear a chariot race is involved.