Juan Ton Part 10: In Which a Lenten Miracle Occurs
After two weeks of Work Item-Related Trauma, this Viewer is happy to report that we are back together with ABe and KMu, and also, Wine. And what better way to begin our reunion than with Juan Ton's family on St. Lucia (WTF, this viewer thought we were on St. Lucia three weeks ago). Oh yes, and Norma Cassidy, in fuscia belted rayon.
We sigh inwardly.
So, yay! (apparently), because Norma Cassidy is meeting Juan Ton's family. His attraction to her is "on fire" he declares. For her part, she feels that Juan Ton being a father "makes him even sexier." Blah Blah we learn that she wants three children and that even though her entire family speaks spanish, she does not.
And then the slow train wreck that began somewhere around Juan Ton Part 3 begins to go off the rails.
JT's mom:
Mom: "Juan Ton has been hyper active since he was a child. How do you feel about your communication with him?
Norma: "I love it!!"
ABe: "WTF does that even mean? She loves their communication????"
Mom: "Sometimes, Juan Ton can be really rude."
Cousin Rodolpho:
CR: "How do you feel about her, man?"
JT: "I feel good, man."
CR: "I won't say she's BEGGING FOR IT for homegirl wants a family."
Pretty much only Juan Ton's dad didn't say anything horrible about Juan Ton, and that may or may not be because this Viewer was eating cake and not paying attention. But as they say goodbye, Norma Cassidy is still dreaming she is Snow White and talking about how magical they are together. Oh! "Juan Ton has my heart, and now so does his family!"
"Where is the wine? You want more wine?" asks ABe. This Viewer has pulled her sweatshirt hood so far over our head that we can only blink one eye in agreement.
Next up to bat: Nurse Nikki. Gentle readers, this Viewer has no tattoos. However, we would like to think that if we had a giant dove tattoo like Nurse Nikki's, we would not choose to Lead Out with It when meeting the parents because 1) it's a tattoo, 2) it's really stupidly drawn, and 3) it's essentially on her Chicken Cutlet. We do not think that our In-Laws need to see Our Chicken Cutlets at Any Time.
But Nurse Nikki thinks otherwise, and chooses to show up in yet another backless, basically sideless, boob halter with backfat full on display. "Put a Bird on It, Nikki" whispers us. The trainwreck is unstoppable at this point.
JT's Dad: "He is not an easy guy because he is so focused on what HE wants."
JT's mom: "How do you manage awkwardness with Juan Pablo?"
Nurse Nikki: "Oh, we will go to the beach, do crossword puzzles. . . "
ABe: "Games and lectures, talks and music, happily combine! At Kellerman's all friendships last long. . ." .
And then there is this Ringing Endorsement from Juan Ton's mom: "I am PRETTY SURE he is ready for the commitment. Juan Ton is charismatic, but not easy. . . . "
And also, this one from Cousin Rodolpho: "So, how much fighting can you take? Because there are a lot of fights in relationships. And I love my cousin, don't get me wrong, but when the going gets tough, he walks away. . .."
It is at this point that we cut to the studio audience. Because yes, we at the BNU are "Live" watching people "Live" watching the Bachelor. Chris Harrison asks one lady how she thinks this is going to end.
"Badly." she says. "This is going south fast."
"Great!" says some random dude as he waves his hands and tries to get the crowd clapping. "I think he's going to end up with Nikki and I've always been Team Nikki [insert fist pump]."
"Did he just try to pump up the crowd?" asks KMu.
We leave it to the Dog Lover, who is in the audience along with The Sharl, Banana Mouth, and Electra, to speak for All Of Us:
"There are definitely some red flags, but she seems to be ignoring them."
Gentle readers, this Viewer has two sisters. And over the years, we three queens have interpreted the giant waving red flags in various relationships as "yes, go! go faster!" or alternatively, as gentle cautionary guidelines that we can work within because we Rise to A Challenge (read: Are Idiots). Which is why one or all of us have, at some point, gone on more than one date with a boy who:
- whose online profile didn't match his real face.
- had an exploratory experience with another man while train hopping
- peed in the closet
But babies, we like to think that if the warning flags had been frantically waived by the family of our then-swain, we would have paid more attention. We shrink from the awkwardness of this show, and also, the awkwardness emanating from the Viewing Audience.
"What do you think?" as Chris Harrison to Pringles and Hillshire, who are also sitting in the audience trying to lend credibility to the show.
"Well. . .I like Juan Ton as a person," starts Hillshire, "but he seems kind of complacent towards these women," she ends diplomatically.
So off we go to the final individual dates, with nervous stomachs and sweatshirt hoods that cannot close any more. The first date is with Norma Cassidy, in a helicopter on top of a mountain. To Juan Ton, she is around because she is "sexy. cute. hot. Iyi-yi-yi." We start to hate him a little.
Apparently, there is a moment on this date that the cameras and microphones are turned off, while everyone is about to get off the helicopter. And in that moment, Juan Ton leans over to Norma Cassidy and, we conclude later, says something along the lines of "I don't know you at all, but I really liked f-ing you."
Norma Cassidy exits the helicopter in shock. And then an Lenten Miracle happens: we start to like NC a little more for she says to the camera, "I thought he was going to say something sweet and romantic in that moment, but instead he said something that no woman wants to hear. That he doesn't know me, and then some sexual thing I am not going to repeat. It was insulting and it made me feel uncomfortable. Every woman deserves to be treated with respect. And if its just physical with him, I am Out Of Here."
"Norma Cassidy just grew a pair," says KMu for All of Us. We don't know when she learned to speak in full sentences, but We at the BNU are Thrilled for her newfound Ovaries of Steel.
But then it disintegrates. We see nothing of the helicopter date. Instead, ABC brings us over to Norma Cassidy's room where her conversation with Juan Ton goes something like this:
NC: "I want to talk to you."
JT: "Good, I am here to talk to you."
NC: "I want to talk to you about what you said to me in the helicopter."
JT: " REMIND ME what I said to you."
--- insert discussion about how the comment didn't make her feel good --
JT: "Oh, is THAT why you didn't give me a besito at the door?"
And then they talk about her no kissing rule at the beginning of the season, and he declares that he doesn't need the physical anything, but that it was "her fault" for breaking that rule and putting them where they are now, so "don't blame that on me."
What a rat.
But she caves, gentle readers. SHE CAVES. As we scream at the television, he coos to her about being together and having a baby in 14 months. And also, plays the song from their first date. And she caves. We are sad for Norma Cassidy, and also, Women Everywhere. But we will not blame her for caving because we know that walking away is hard.
And then we are on date #2 with Nurse Nikki, in her tiny bikini and weird wrap. And we don't even care anymore. We don't like Nurse Nikki at all, but at this point, she has a permanently uncomfortable look on her face. They go to the beach and she observes that he seems to have his guard up. She comments nervously about it being their last date.
At dinner, she is wearing a horrible dress like a cut-out snowflake. But she tells him she loves him.
"He looks like she just ordered a cheeseburger," says KMu.
There is nothing on his face - no response.
This date ends with her crying on her bed, alone. But swearing that she loves him.
The next day is the rose ceremony. Unsurprisingly, we hate Norma Cassidy's dress and earrings. There are spangles involved. And a waistband. And giant earring stones that match her dress color. And while this Viewer couldn't be bothered to match her earrings to her dress, we are still going to be judgy and hate it. Nurse Nikki's dress is only mildly less objectionable, with a dark blue slit up to her hoo ha.
The boats arrive towards The Ceremony Location one by one and we are nervous. Who will walk the plank first? .. . . ..
Norma Cassidy. Gentle readers, it is awful. He lets her give him a huge speech about how she loves him and wants to be with him, and then AFTER that speech, he dumps her. And then he goes to hug her, and Awesomeness Happens.
She pushes him back. And she says Oh Hell No.
"This entire time, I've stuck around because I believed in you. I saved this moment for the man of my dreams, and I thought that was you. [Juan Ton starts to interrupt. . ] I'm not done! [she walks away, off of the rose podium] I lost respect for you because I saw what kind of man that you are. What you just made me go through, I'd NEVER want you as a father to my children."
And she turns on her heel and walks off.
We are in shock. And also, a lot proud of Norma Cassidy, who hugs Chris Harrison and walks in dignity and no tears, back to the boat to go home. She tells the camera that she is just extremely disappointed.
Juan Ton's response: "Whoo, glad I didn't pick her!" RAGE.
And at this point, we don't even care what Nurse Nikki does. But we have to tell you anyway so here goes: She shows up. She gives a speech about how much she loves him. And he tells her that he is "100 % sure I want to be with you, but not 100% sure I want to marry you." So he says he's not going to use the ring in his pocket, but would she take the rose instead. And there is a moment of silence and frozen smiles, and then she says yes. The camera pans out as they awkwardly kiss.
Babies, this is what we think:
Norma Cassidy dodged a bullet because she is 32, and Nurse Nikki is 26. At 26, a baby woman is still trying to justify and make it work for the sake of . . . .you don't even know what. Making it work. And if you dodge a bullet along the way, it's half luck. But by 32, you will Not Have That Shit, and billy be damned if that means you have to call the relationship a failure. So we feel a little sad for Nurse Nikki.
Except the show is not over, because now we have to go to After the Final Rose. We will sum this up quickly.
Norma Cassidy comes out in pleather placemates sewn into a dress. She says that the moment in St. Lucia was "pivotal" because she had never before been able to stand up to a man and ask for what SHE wanted and tell him what she really thought. And she did that. So no, she doesn't need to see Juan Ton or talk to him. Her closure was that moment, and watching the show.
Proving that miracles do happen, we like Norma Cassidy in spite of her dress.
The rest of the show is Extreme Awkwardness. Juan Ton comes out to an audience of polite golf claps and proceeds to act like an ass. Nurse Nikki joins him, looking skinnier than ever and with a frozen smile. She says that she loves him, but she doesn't know if he loves her because he hasn't told her. But they are making it work, even though they "communicate differently." Chris Harrison was apparently led to believe that there would be a "surprise" on this show when Juan Ton comes out, but there really isn't. He refuses to talk about the relationship, Nurse Nikki looks uncomfortable, and then they both say there was a change in their plans the night of the Women Tell All, but neither will say what it is. It's "private," gentle readers.
"So the surprise is, Juan Ton's an asshole," says KMu.
We think Pringles is going to strangle Juan Ton from the viewing audience. Hillshire starts petting his knee soothingly.
At last, the show is over, and Chris Harrison speaks for all of us when he says: "Let's shower that one off. . . .We'll be introducing the next bachelorette when we come back. . . . Because Why Not do this again?"
And to the surprise of No One, the next bachelorette is . . . Andi.
Great. A lawyer.
See you next season, gentle readers. Besitos to you all.
-KLo.
We sigh inwardly.
So, yay! (apparently), because Norma Cassidy is meeting Juan Ton's family. His attraction to her is "on fire" he declares. For her part, she feels that Juan Ton being a father "makes him even sexier." Blah Blah we learn that she wants three children and that even though her entire family speaks spanish, she does not.
And then the slow train wreck that began somewhere around Juan Ton Part 3 begins to go off the rails.
JT's mom:
Mom: "Juan Ton has been hyper active since he was a child. How do you feel about your communication with him?
Norma: "I love it!!"
ABe: "WTF does that even mean? She loves their communication????"
Mom: "Sometimes, Juan Ton can be really rude."
Cousin Rodolpho:
CR: "How do you feel about her, man?"
JT: "I feel good, man."
CR: "I won't say she's BEGGING FOR IT for homegirl wants a family."
Pretty much only Juan Ton's dad didn't say anything horrible about Juan Ton, and that may or may not be because this Viewer was eating cake and not paying attention. But as they say goodbye, Norma Cassidy is still dreaming she is Snow White and talking about how magical they are together. Oh! "Juan Ton has my heart, and now so does his family!"
"Where is the wine? You want more wine?" asks ABe. This Viewer has pulled her sweatshirt hood so far over our head that we can only blink one eye in agreement.
Next up to bat: Nurse Nikki. Gentle readers, this Viewer has no tattoos. However, we would like to think that if we had a giant dove tattoo like Nurse Nikki's, we would not choose to Lead Out with It when meeting the parents because 1) it's a tattoo, 2) it's really stupidly drawn, and 3) it's essentially on her Chicken Cutlet. We do not think that our In-Laws need to see Our Chicken Cutlets at Any Time.
But Nurse Nikki thinks otherwise, and chooses to show up in yet another backless, basically sideless, boob halter with backfat full on display. "Put a Bird on It, Nikki" whispers us. The trainwreck is unstoppable at this point.
JT's Dad: "He is not an easy guy because he is so focused on what HE wants."
JT's mom: "How do you manage awkwardness with Juan Pablo?"
Nurse Nikki: "Oh, we will go to the beach, do crossword puzzles. . . "
ABe: "Games and lectures, talks and music, happily combine! At Kellerman's all friendships last long. . ." .
And then there is this Ringing Endorsement from Juan Ton's mom: "I am PRETTY SURE he is ready for the commitment. Juan Ton is charismatic, but not easy. . . . "
And also, this one from Cousin Rodolpho: "So, how much fighting can you take? Because there are a lot of fights in relationships. And I love my cousin, don't get me wrong, but when the going gets tough, he walks away. . .."
It is at this point that we cut to the studio audience. Because yes, we at the BNU are "Live" watching people "Live" watching the Bachelor. Chris Harrison asks one lady how she thinks this is going to end.
"Badly." she says. "This is going south fast."
"Great!" says some random dude as he waves his hands and tries to get the crowd clapping. "I think he's going to end up with Nikki and I've always been Team Nikki [insert fist pump]."
"Did he just try to pump up the crowd?" asks KMu.
We leave it to the Dog Lover, who is in the audience along with The Sharl, Banana Mouth, and Electra, to speak for All Of Us:
"There are definitely some red flags, but she seems to be ignoring them."
Gentle readers, this Viewer has two sisters. And over the years, we three queens have interpreted the giant waving red flags in various relationships as "yes, go! go faster!" or alternatively, as gentle cautionary guidelines that we can work within because we Rise to A Challenge (read: Are Idiots). Which is why one or all of us have, at some point, gone on more than one date with a boy who:
- whose online profile didn't match his real face.
- had an exploratory experience with another man while train hopping
- peed in the closet
But babies, we like to think that if the warning flags had been frantically waived by the family of our then-swain, we would have paid more attention. We shrink from the awkwardness of this show, and also, the awkwardness emanating from the Viewing Audience.
"What do you think?" as Chris Harrison to Pringles and Hillshire, who are also sitting in the audience trying to lend credibility to the show.
"Well. . .I like Juan Ton as a person," starts Hillshire, "but he seems kind of complacent towards these women," she ends diplomatically.
So off we go to the final individual dates, with nervous stomachs and sweatshirt hoods that cannot close any more. The first date is with Norma Cassidy, in a helicopter on top of a mountain. To Juan Ton, she is around because she is "sexy. cute. hot. Iyi-yi-yi." We start to hate him a little.
Apparently, there is a moment on this date that the cameras and microphones are turned off, while everyone is about to get off the helicopter. And in that moment, Juan Ton leans over to Norma Cassidy and, we conclude later, says something along the lines of "I don't know you at all, but I really liked f-ing you."
Norma Cassidy exits the helicopter in shock. And then an Lenten Miracle happens: we start to like NC a little more for she says to the camera, "I thought he was going to say something sweet and romantic in that moment, but instead he said something that no woman wants to hear. That he doesn't know me, and then some sexual thing I am not going to repeat. It was insulting and it made me feel uncomfortable. Every woman deserves to be treated with respect. And if its just physical with him, I am Out Of Here."
"Norma Cassidy just grew a pair," says KMu for All of Us. We don't know when she learned to speak in full sentences, but We at the BNU are Thrilled for her newfound Ovaries of Steel.
But then it disintegrates. We see nothing of the helicopter date. Instead, ABC brings us over to Norma Cassidy's room where her conversation with Juan Ton goes something like this:
NC: "I want to talk to you."
JT: "Good, I am here to talk to you."
NC: "I want to talk to you about what you said to me in the helicopter."
JT: " REMIND ME what I said to you."
--- insert discussion about how the comment didn't make her feel good --
JT: "Oh, is THAT why you didn't give me a besito at the door?"
And then they talk about her no kissing rule at the beginning of the season, and he declares that he doesn't need the physical anything, but that it was "her fault" for breaking that rule and putting them where they are now, so "don't blame that on me."
What a rat.
But she caves, gentle readers. SHE CAVES. As we scream at the television, he coos to her about being together and having a baby in 14 months. And also, plays the song from their first date. And she caves. We are sad for Norma Cassidy, and also, Women Everywhere. But we will not blame her for caving because we know that walking away is hard.
And then we are on date #2 with Nurse Nikki, in her tiny bikini and weird wrap. And we don't even care anymore. We don't like Nurse Nikki at all, but at this point, she has a permanently uncomfortable look on her face. They go to the beach and she observes that he seems to have his guard up. She comments nervously about it being their last date.
At dinner, she is wearing a horrible dress like a cut-out snowflake. But she tells him she loves him.
"He looks like she just ordered a cheeseburger," says KMu.
There is nothing on his face - no response.
This date ends with her crying on her bed, alone. But swearing that she loves him.
The next day is the rose ceremony. Unsurprisingly, we hate Norma Cassidy's dress and earrings. There are spangles involved. And a waistband. And giant earring stones that match her dress color. And while this Viewer couldn't be bothered to match her earrings to her dress, we are still going to be judgy and hate it. Nurse Nikki's dress is only mildly less objectionable, with a dark blue slit up to her hoo ha.
The boats arrive towards The Ceremony Location one by one and we are nervous. Who will walk the plank first? .. . . ..
Norma Cassidy. Gentle readers, it is awful. He lets her give him a huge speech about how she loves him and wants to be with him, and then AFTER that speech, he dumps her. And then he goes to hug her, and Awesomeness Happens.
She pushes him back. And she says Oh Hell No.
"This entire time, I've stuck around because I believed in you. I saved this moment for the man of my dreams, and I thought that was you. [Juan Ton starts to interrupt. . ] I'm not done! [she walks away, off of the rose podium] I lost respect for you because I saw what kind of man that you are. What you just made me go through, I'd NEVER want you as a father to my children."
And she turns on her heel and walks off.
We are in shock. And also, a lot proud of Norma Cassidy, who hugs Chris Harrison and walks in dignity and no tears, back to the boat to go home. She tells the camera that she is just extremely disappointed.
Juan Ton's response: "Whoo, glad I didn't pick her!" RAGE.
And at this point, we don't even care what Nurse Nikki does. But we have to tell you anyway so here goes: She shows up. She gives a speech about how much she loves him. And he tells her that he is "100 % sure I want to be with you, but not 100% sure I want to marry you." So he says he's not going to use the ring in his pocket, but would she take the rose instead. And there is a moment of silence and frozen smiles, and then she says yes. The camera pans out as they awkwardly kiss.
Babies, this is what we think:
Norma Cassidy dodged a bullet because she is 32, and Nurse Nikki is 26. At 26, a baby woman is still trying to justify and make it work for the sake of . . . .you don't even know what. Making it work. And if you dodge a bullet along the way, it's half luck. But by 32, you will Not Have That Shit, and billy be damned if that means you have to call the relationship a failure. So we feel a little sad for Nurse Nikki.
Except the show is not over, because now we have to go to After the Final Rose. We will sum this up quickly.
Norma Cassidy comes out in pleather placemates sewn into a dress. She says that the moment in St. Lucia was "pivotal" because she had never before been able to stand up to a man and ask for what SHE wanted and tell him what she really thought. And she did that. So no, she doesn't need to see Juan Ton or talk to him. Her closure was that moment, and watching the show.
Proving that miracles do happen, we like Norma Cassidy in spite of her dress.
The rest of the show is Extreme Awkwardness. Juan Ton comes out to an audience of polite golf claps and proceeds to act like an ass. Nurse Nikki joins him, looking skinnier than ever and with a frozen smile. She says that she loves him, but she doesn't know if he loves her because he hasn't told her. But they are making it work, even though they "communicate differently." Chris Harrison was apparently led to believe that there would be a "surprise" on this show when Juan Ton comes out, but there really isn't. He refuses to talk about the relationship, Nurse Nikki looks uncomfortable, and then they both say there was a change in their plans the night of the Women Tell All, but neither will say what it is. It's "private," gentle readers.
"So the surprise is, Juan Ton's an asshole," says KMu.
We think Pringles is going to strangle Juan Ton from the viewing audience. Hillshire starts petting his knee soothingly.
At last, the show is over, and Chris Harrison speaks for all of us when he says: "Let's shower that one off. . . .We'll be introducing the next bachelorette when we come back. . . . Because Why Not do this again?"
And to the surprise of No One, the next bachelorette is . . . Andi.
Great. A lawyer.
See you next season, gentle readers. Besitos to you all.
-KLo.
posted by KLo @ 5:39 AM
3 comments
