Travis Season FINALE: And the Winner Is....

Well, it's the moment that we have all been waiting for! The Season Finale starts off with a little photo montage of Moana and Sarah as kids. This does nothing except dispell all reassuring belief, passed down from mother to daughter, that every swan goes through an ugly duckling phase. We look at gorgeous Moana age 13 and put our own junior high yearbook picture (side ponytail, yellow shirt, red suspenders, massive adam's apple) at an undisclosed location.

After we recover from that shame, we are off to meet Dr. S's family, who has flown all the way to France to meet the remaining women. First we have Donna, Dr. S's mom. She is very nice and we are impressed with her ability to don a peter-pan collar and wear her blonde hair in the shape of a milk dud. We wonder if said hair was meant rounder but got flattened en route, and tell her that it could happen to anyone. Donna is married to Roger, who really likes his cream colored sweater, as that's all he wears for his entire visit to France.

Last, we have Travis's sister Andrea, who okay looks like Michelle Pfiefer, and her husband Mike, who resembles a muskrat. And their kids Whitney (age 5?) and Delaney (age 3?), both of whom thankfully look like their mother. But here is my thing: Why name your child Crack-Is-Whack Whitney? I don't care if you are from the South. And why make your children wear massive bows in their hair? It isn't cute, it's alarming. Particularly when coupled with really frilly little dresses.

We devise ways to get the children into a mudpuddle as the first family date--with Sarah from TN--begins. Sarah meets Trav, along with Andrea and her family unit at some sort of kids' indoor playground, where she is making a big "paris" sign in flowery handwriting and coloring a butterfly in the corner. Gag. This date goes very well, and Sarah even teaches the girls how to do the "A-tootie-ta-ta" dance that she does with her kindergartners...but Whitney still draws a picture of Sarah that emphasizes the mole on her face and says she likes them both but that Travis should pick Moana. Rough.

Dinner with the entire family goes fabulously. Sarah is charming, everyone is really really blonde, Travis drinks soda while everyone else is having wine, and Donna starts to cry for some absolutely unknown reason in response to Travis' droning, unemotional speech about how difficult his decision is. Sarah is "pure, true, and genuine," and Roger says that they may never see her again. Roger, roger. We get the impression that Roger is one step behind the rest of them.

Next date is Moana at the zoo. She is wearing that Emancipation of Mimi fur-lined coat again, and the bear is none too happy about it. It keeps giving her the evil eye, but we are too distracted by the culots she is wearing. WTF. We realize that the culot is popular among the leggy set these days, but we still hope this look is something that eventually makes all culot wearing grown women everywhere burn in shame as we did when forced to wear our burgundy corduroy culots 20 years ago.

Andrea pulls Moana away to talk on a bench, and the Downward Slide begins. Moana can't keep it together as she talks about introducing her parents to Travis. She is "such a deep, deep person." At dinner that night, Moana says it's not her "character to say what makes her a great couple with Travis." She's "never experienced what it was to look at another person and have them _know_ her." Apparently, "At no other time in her life has she ever met someone and seen herself shining back in them." Oh, and she's a "pretty solid person."

In other words, her feelings are to the left of what is "right." You know, and "right" is something deep inside, something she and Travis feel. And something she sees in travis. you know?

Exactly. W.T.F. Or in the words of Roger when Andrea says they didn't connect with Moana, "HELLO, I'm with you."

But thankfully, we have Kathy Bates and Janis Dickenson to distract us. The moms come to visit their daughters is Paris!! We are horrified that Virginia, which is apparently the name of Moana's Pure Evil stepmom, is the relative to visit Moana, and even more horrified to admit that she looks really really cute with her new shorter haircut. Meanwhile, Rhota surprises Sarah, who we can't help but notice is writing in a pink journal with an eiffel tower on it. After the girly "paris" sign, we feel our identification with Sarah continue to weaken by her ongoing introduction of lifetime "themes" in the form of this journal. Both moms take their daughters shopping to look at rings and dresses, all of the dresses Moana tries look gorgeous, all of the dresses Sarah tries look like a bag of craft beads threw up on her.

Finally, we are off to the final date. Sarah and Travis play tennis, which she is really terrible at, and then have takeout at a little cottage she found. In his words, "There were pillows all over the floor and I thought that this is the best way to spend my last evening with her." We hope that is a nonsequitor. We don't see much of this date, except for Sarah trying to get Trav to stay and Trav being all, "I have to go."

For Travvy's last date with Moana, she cooks for him. We are extremely impressed with the food she is cooking, which makes us feel very hungry as it is now late at night, but our annoyance with her personal depth is getting in the way. She is very passionate about cooking. She is very content and at peace with who she thinks Travis is. She "wants....him..." she doesn't need, but she wants and would like him in her life. She's never in her life felt the way she does about another human being as she does about this man.

Our only solace through this is the awful racket of traffic going on outside her window. We suddenly realize that these Deep Thoughts with Moana are the true cheese that Susan was pretending to feel and fortunately could not convey convincingly with her bad acting skills.

At last, it's the day of the last rose ceremony! Sarah is writing in her journal, "THIS IS IT" with a bubble for the "i" dot. Distance between us + Sarah = wider. But we still decide to root for her because Moana has just gotten too intense even for us. We also feel a little understanding for Sarah, as we see that other people were doing the women's makeup for this event, although we canNOT believe she let someone put that green crap on her eyes.

First one to greet Travis is....Moana, who totally popped out of her dress coming out of the limo. We forgive her, as her dress is fabulous. But we are really annoyed at Travis, who feels that he needs to give this big speech about how Moana and he have this amazing connection, beautiful connection, it's so perfect...BUT (gasp), if he listens to his heart, he can't choose her. Oh, and Moana won't hug him at first. She says she's shocked. He says the equivalent of "what happens in paris, stays in paris." And THEN he says he'll miss her. And she gets creepy and says that her only hope in circumstances "such as these" is that no one ever knows.

Okay, so Moana was completely wrong for him, but we like her in the end. We feel horrible for her as she cries in the limo and realize that we could never ever be on the Bachelor because it's true that the good girl always wins, and we are so not that person.

Then, here comes Sarah. Sarah has worn a lot of very pretty dresses, but we really hate this one on her. When one is flat bosomed with round hips, one should not wear a tight, floorlength, sleeveless dress cut down to one's navel, particularly with sequins in little lines right in front of one's fancy. Oh, the horror. But we forgive her because Travis has no fashion sense anyway.

Travis gives a speech. She's the one for him, blah blah. And then he gives her the ring she picked out!!!! On a necklace. He looks forward to a future with her.

You know, bachelor fans, this is really the right result. We were not convinced until we saw the frilly clothing Dr. S's nieces were wearing, the pink journal Sarah was writing in, and the A Tootie Ta Ta dance one last time. We hope they make it last at least a few months.

It's been a joy, babies. See you next season.

Travis Part 7: Gum Chewing May Help Bowels After Surgery

As we settle in with our cocoa to write this Update, we realize that the best part of our evening was this heading on Yahoo News. Perhaps the new study was what kept Ali G the Apeshit Doctor from attending the Women Tell All special interruptive episode tonight. Research...or something.

Anyhow, we are officially conflicted. Do we love Sarah as previously thought, or are we suddenly rooting for Moana?!? All the other girls now love her, having seen her softer side after calling her unstable and seeing her vertebrate hairdo. And Chris Harrison SAYS that all the viewers love her. But we are viewers, and we are undecided (yes, all of us). But we are getting ahead of ourselves.

Susan first takes the hot seat, in the black lacey top she borrowed from Jennifer the model (of whom we are no longer a fan). We are treated to a recap of her time with Dr. T. Oh, the world melts away when she's with him. Oh, she is falling in love. Oh, her mom thinks she's acting. Oh no shit. But it is apparently "straight up not real" that she wasn't gonna love T forever. Tell me, Paula A. We want to know why Suz kept a picture of her ex-fiance with her in Paris, and why this man allegedly did not want her to be an actress (Oh, I mean, "have a career," which is "really" what Susan meant when she told the girls the first time). We are especially interested in her phraseology: her mom feels bad for 'losing it' for Susan. Susan is shedding tears, Jennifer the model goes ape at Susan, the NBA dancer goes ape on Jennifer, Jennifer goes ape on the dancer, and it's over just like that.

Next up: Sarah B. Why do women wear jeans and knee high boots? I mean, it's very cute on Sarah, but we think it would be extremely uncomfortable for women with ginormous calves such as ourselves. But what we are REALLY drawn to is Tara's outfit, which she got at the Junction. Petticoat Junction (am I the only one that loved that show?) She has these black spandex leggings, a hot pink off-the-shoulder elasticized Hee Haw shirt, emerald green earrings, and brown boots made for walking. Fortunately, that is never what we see her do, since the camel toe would probably walk right up to you.

Anyhow, Sarah doesn't understand why Travis and she never regained their connection. Maybe it's because she asked him the Most Important Question Ever on a Date: "When I squeeze my boobs together, does it make a difference?" And then spoke to said cleavage: "How YOU doin?" Okay, I went to high school with this girl named Kathy who named every body part. I think her boobs were "earl and berl." or something. We suddenly wonder if Kathy and Sarah B were switched at birth. But Travis comes on stage and clarifies that it wasn't Sarah's gossip with the "girls" that did her in. Rather, the thrill was gone when Sarah became drunk on their camping date, climbed a tree with him for one-on-one time, and then couldn't remember any of it. Yes, that might do it. We recognize Dr. S has a point, but still wonder why he kept Sarah B for several episodes after that.

We also realize that OMG, we have a dress just like Jennifer's only in green!! Except, we must now distance ourselves from her because we see that she has some axe to grind against all the women. She trashes Susan, she hates Sarah B for her youth, and she really really doesn't like bugs. She is very bitter that on her camping date with Travis and Sarah B, she whittled her stick, burned two hotdogs, destroyed three marshmallows, and still got the boot, when Sarah B "played with her food" by picking at HER marshmallows. Well, Jenny, Sarah's marshmallows do bring all the boys in the yard. Especially when she squeezes them together.

Onward to Kristin Big Boobs McGee. At first we think she is wearing our letter opener around her neck. And then we think it's coins. And finally, crowns. But we never really know for sure because we are blinded by a flashback to her orange rind teeth, which she apparently thought really would Get the Guy. Travis says not so much, but he does tell her that he has this friend who Looooves Kristin. If I went on the Bachelor, it would definately be to play Wing Man for my friends. Thanks, travy.

As we've covered all the main players except Ali G, we note only that she told Sarah B to "shut the F*ck up" when Sarah told her that her feet hurt. Yes, we burn in shame for Ali and agree wholeheartedly with Travis when he says that we should all let her move on. And on.

Finally, Dr. S comes out and fields questions previously addressed in this Update. You know, the odd thing is that Chris Harrison never asks him if he's happy now, which probably means he picks Sarah from TN in the final episode and has dumped her. Even after she apparently told him that it was meaningful for him to "give her his piece of meat" on a date.

The rest of the show is a series of bloopers involving belches, B.O., and Tara's drunken adventures. We are left with a video replay of Moana and Sarah's Greatest Hits with the Bachelor. We try valiantly to care.

Stay tuned for the Season Finale, when Sarah B discovers the green eye shadow of our youth and that sequined dress from the back of her grandmother's closet.

Travis Part 6: We Don't Want No Scrubs

"Scrubs is the kind that ain't gittin' no love from me." - T-Boz.

Episode Six begins with Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots. What on earth are they doing on this show? Apparently, ABC thinks that it's a good idea to see the "overnight dates through the ages" to see how "important" the fantasy date is to the budding relationships on the Bachelor.

Okay, so we begin in the dark, dark ages with Aaron Bergey (isn't he dating a playboy bunny now?). Then we see Shannon crash and burn on a date with Alex. Fortunately, she has put out the flames and is starring in her very own television show called "Hot on Homes." We are treated to a vision of her in a kitchen with a pink shirt and an apron. We're pretty sure she now lives in Stepford. Then we are off to Andrew Firestone, who is really hopped up on caffeine. And finally, Jesse Palmer. Who can forget our favorite male bimbo? Oooo, and Trish, with the dress cut up to her fancy, crashing Palmer's date with Mary Jo or whatever her name was. PICA. (for those of you just joining us this season, that would be 'palmer is confused again.')

Yes, we are feeling our age and singledom as we walk through these 11 seasons of the show, which we have watched. Tirelessly. Alone in our living room. Never missing an episode. Happy Valentine's day to us.

Next, we get an update on the three couples who have managed to survive the show: Charlie and Sarah (whom we love and forgive for being with such a dumb box of rocks), Mary and Lord Byron, and Trista and Ryan. Apparently, S&C had cat calls from a fellow boater (oh...did they hear me?) during their first kiss in Aruba. And Trista suffered through Alex barfing in the helicopter before finally ending up marrying Ryan. AND Mary is "so. into. Byron." on their fantasy date in Whistler. Although they did hide in the closet to talk because they thought their room was bugged.

Finally, FINALLY we get to the real shizz: The Storkinator's first fantasy date...in Venice... with Moana. Having just admonished Jennifer for her doiley/shirt, we are quite depressed to discover that Moana is also wearing a similar rendition of a tuxedo shirt. Given her ample bosom, this is disturbingly "I am sixteen, going on seventeen" But in any event, we are soon distracted by the Pigeon Attack at St. Marco's cathedral. Having been shat upon by a bird not once but three times, this makes us nervous. But we are splatter free and off to a cafe, where Moana/Leisel busts out the italian when ordering a drink, and then off to a gondola ride. We don't really care about this date anymore because we just want to be in Venice ourselves.

Dinner is very intense, man. Moana is wearing mini George Foremans with rhinestones for earrings. Then an accordian player "happens" by after a toast...which is all very romantic until we see that he is extremely hairy though shaven & wearing nerdy glasses, and we conclude that he is probably just some college kid trying to earn a buck. And finally, Moana says that she is so glad Travis has taught her that she could grow in an area where she had been stagnated. Dr. Rehab is touched. They decide to "develop their intimacy on a physical level" (or Mo-bettah-ana decides that) by forgoing their individual rooms and then blesses him with kisses a/k/a the Madonna as he hugs her very awkwardly. We feel awkward.

Date # 2 is in Vienna with Sarah from TN. We LOOOVE Sarah and her yellow sweater, we love that they drink beer instead of wine, we love that it's not dark beer, and we love that they go up in a Ferris wheel. But this date gets a little freakity when Trav and she go into a salon for a couples massage and then wind up in a floating pool where he gives her chaste kisses. She is like, "WTF, why won't he kiss me like we're in a relationship instead of all these little kisses," and we think, "WTF right back at you, poor girl."

Dr. S and Sarah take a horsedrawn carriage to dinner, and we are very suspicious of the vienese waltz playing in the background, which sounds like, "Some day my prince will come." Travis has a the fabulash idea of leaving the formal dinner and taking food back to the fantasy suite for a fireside chat, and then is like, "we have a great friendship, but is there more?" In other words, "are you sexless like I think, Sarah?" We hate Dr. T for a blinding moment until he redeems himself by telling her that if she hadn't have been on this "journey," he may have lost a part of who he is. We think he's a nice boy. And she finally gets her saucy kiss.

Date #3 is with Susan in the Alps. Apparently, nobody told her she wasn't horseback riding, as she is wearing these tall boots with her hiking pants tucked into them. Travis decides to secretly "test" their compatiblity by seeing if she'd like to go rock climbing, and then is all pleased that she was enthusiastic. Sweetheart, any woman could see that coming a mile away. But she convinces him, dons hiking boots, and then cheerily states that she's going "back to LA (read: other planet) at the close of the show" to try her hand at acting. He confronts her about seeking exposure through the Bachelor, and she denies it.

Blah blah, they drink cider wine from a giant popcorn kettle. We then have the After School Special portion of the Bachelor: "Susie's Hopes and Dreams." Susan feels so bad when the other girls talk behind her back. She's not in it for the Game. It's sooo the opposite of how she feels. It's about how he's feeling. And how she's feeling. This continues through dinner that night, as Susan is wearing a little silver allen wrench as a necklace (which is probably really her little electron beemer to her spaceship). She "likes being in relaxing environments." It's more her style. She doesn't like clubs anymore...I mean, she likes going out to a bar with her friends and having a * really * *great* *time* but she's basically a homebody. She likes being a scrub sometimes.

We don't want no scrubs.

But apparently, Travis does. He likes a woman that will disagree with him, who will call him out. We wonder where he has been our lives, ....but are shaken down to earth by the fact that he likes how Susan calls him out. Ohhhh, he means fake-challenging. And as quickly as it came, so passes the death of a crush boy. And then she tells him that she loves him. And then Travis = whiter shade of pale. And we hear him gulp. And we toast ourselves and the conclusion that the reason everybody thinks she's scripted is that SHE'S AN ALIEN.

The remainder of this date involves hot tubbing. We don't like Susan for stealing the steamy kisses that Sarah from TN should be getting. They're HERS, Susan. HERS alone.

And at last, it is the rose Ceremony. After some typical video messages in which Sarah wears a turtleneck and blazer (only at work, Sarah, only at work) and Susan says for the second time, in the same words previously spoken at dinner (creepy), that she is "incredibly vulnerable to tell Travis that she is falling in love with him. But she has to be honest with her self." Blah. And then the moment comes....

To borrow Sarah's song with her kindergartners, Susan is wearing a dress cut up and down to her A-tootie-ta-ta.

But it doesn't help, because in the end, Travis picks
1. Moana
2. Sarah from TN. YEEEESSSS.

Susan keeps grasping at the weird random cloth hanging down from the "ta" portion of her dress as she struggles for words. Travis tells her that he doesn't know if he made the right decision. We decide that this statement goes down in Bachelor History as one of the World's Worst things to Say when Saying Goodbye. Way to encourage stalking, Dr.S.

Stay tuned for next week, when the Women Tell All, a/k/a Tara tells the world that she don't know much, but she sure can drink. And Moana announces that Travis is "meant to be mine." [insert creepity munster tone].

Travis Part 5: A Growler and a Weeper, an Actress and a Keeper

Good morning bachelor fans! Episode Five began last night with our final four contestants traveling on that midnight plane, bound for home sweet home. Okay, so it actually started with a really scary flashback to hometown dates of previous seasons (daddy, I can't believe you brought your gun!). As we have already mocked all of these in days gone by, we won't do it again. So....

Travis is contemplating the Final Four as he packs his many zipper-neck sweaters in preparation for returning to north america. We notice that Dr. Fabio has opted to unbutton not one, but two buttons on his shirt, perhaps to more closely approximate the feeling of a zippy sweater. He ponders Susan. Beautiful, Intelligent Susan who has not let it go to her head. He thinks on Innocent Sarah from Canada. Oh, and then Sarah from TN, a "great friend, but will romance develop?" And finally, Sexy, Mysterious Moana who is Not Trying to Force Anything. We are secretly beginning to wonder if Travis = fucktard.

Travis visits Moana in her hometown of St. Clemente, CA first. She is totally stoked, man, as evidenced by her greeting: "How's it goin,' good lookin' ". We mouth this phrase to ourselves several times over with various sultry gazes, and then choose to drink our tea instead. Meanwhile back on the beach, Trav reveals his master plan to move to the mountains. He and Moana further discover a mutual love of Britney Spears' micro jeans' skirt, that they are transitioning to new parts in their life, and that they can kiss while afloat on surf boards. Oh, the romance. She feels really scared to feel this safe.

Next stop is Chateau Moana, where she brings Travis to meet her dad Ray, her mom Cheryl, and her step-mom, who shall remain nameless as this viewer did not write it down. My god, Moana is wearing those ginormous donut earrings again. Travis kisses up to Ray, who wants to know if Mr. T is a Christian, then seems to know nothing about Presbyterianism. But the step-mom is a real peach. Frankly, she is just disgusted when the union of marriage is undermined and mocked. Which is why she has married a divorced man (I mean, come on). Moana steals her dad to do a little damage control and brings out the Mommy Card: her parents apparently became engaged within 3 months of meeting, when mom brought dad cookies and hot cocoa at a football game. Aw.

In the end, Moana concludes that her family "lit Travis up and threw him on the BBQ." We are then treated to a Philip Glass music video as Moana and Travis kiss to weird flute trills and she repeats, for the 100th time, that she would be devastated if this didn't work out.

Date # 2 is in Oh, Canada with Sarah. We love her top, which is dark pink and chiffony and a bit low across the girls, although we recognize that if we were to wear it, we would be eyeballing said girls in a panic all night, for fear that one might pop out so low is the bodice. But not Sarah. She is confident to feed ducks in this top, to reconnect with Travis, to play pool, and to lie down with Travis on her little twin princess bed with a net canopy and teddy bear. Yes, Sarah from Canada still lives at home with her mom and two brothers, both of whom think they could sing Frank Sinatra if they really wanted to.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves. First, Sarah and Travis go to a bar where the pool playing occurs and where we learn that Sarah really is THAT young, as she attempts incessantly to talk about Moana and the house dynamics. This is very boring, and we find ourselves much more interested in the Valentine's Day theme of the family dinner, which includes Sarah's mother wearing red to match their dining room chairs, Travis wearing a gray zipper sweater with a red inside, and the many girly pink and fluffy items inside Sarah's room. But we won't make fun, as we still sleep with an ewok.

Date # 3 is in Nashville. Oh dear readers, we have a new favorite! Hark the herald, let Sarah from TN sing!!! Travis and the other Sarah live 1 mile from each other in Guitar City, go to the same grocery, work out at the same gym, run in the same park, etc. Thus, we are treated to Travis walking over to Sarah's house with his well-trained dog, Naula. We at the Bachelor News Update can appreciate a well-trained dog, having suffered through 9 months of a werewolf named Snuffy who once ran wild for three hours despite the incessant calling of "Snuffy, SNUUUFFFY," by his owner as this viewer tried to disassociate herself with said owner so that she would not be killed when the other canoers Took Him Down. Fortunately, Sarah from TN is spared this experience.

The park is idyllic. Naula frolicks They talk about Travis' big plan to move to the Rocky Mountains, he feels that she has integrity and like he can be at peace with her, and then her kindergarteners attack him. They are actually very cute, and accompanied by Sarah's sisters Linsay and Addy. We quickly learn that these are the lesser-freakity named members of her family, as we subsequently meet her aunt Rhota, father Addison, and mother Vernita. Why hello, Kathy Bates circa Fried Green Tomatos.

Travis ends up cooking dinner at his house for Sarah's family. OMG, we love his house. He even appears to have cooked a vegetable with his dinner, despite the extensive use of a grill. We are impressed despite ourselves. This date ends with a videotape of Sarah singing in what must have been a high school musical (we can tell by the big step-kicks and jazz hands) and then finally, a kiss goodnight. We find that we are rooting for Sarah.

The last date is with Susan in Durham, NC. He meets her on a bridge, which is not manufactured at all, and then they drink wine out of camping cups in the middle of the park, play football, and kiss as Susan keeps one eyeball tuned to the camera. She feels like the only woman in the world when he looks at her. And, she shares with him her philosophy of relationships: You and your mate are like two cups. If you are both full, then it's great. But if only one of you is full, then the other one spends all its time pouring into the less-full cup until both are eventually empty. That's not what she wants.

Let me put this in terms that all of us from Indiana can understand: If I have a wagon full of shit, and you have a wagon full of shit....

On to the parents' house: dad Ken, Mom Kathy, and brothers Brian and Matt. Travis confesses that he had a huge sense of relief when Susan walked out of the limo. We think, "thank god, these aliens don't look all that different." But we seriously become disturbed when Susan's mom pulls her into the kitchen to remind her that she just broke up with her fiance, that she has no apartment, and is on the verge of starting a different career (in acting). And then Mom says to Travis that Susan shouldn't be dating so soon after her break-up. And then Dad tells Susan that he hopes she's not using this to launch her career. And THEN Susan says that she'll use whatever vehicle takes her there and that she hopes she doesn't get cut this week. GASP. We HATE SUSAN.

But Dr. Trav doesn't listen. He goes back to Susie's hotel room, where she finally breaks the news that she was "in a relationship recently," but is here with him now. Pure. Evil.

Finally, we head back to Paris for the last rose ceremony. Travis has chosen a completely unfortunate outfit for this somber occassion. Crap colored jacket, light blue shirt, and blue shiny striped necktie. We are forced to eyeball him in this concoction as he watches videos from the four women. None if this is worth mentioning except Moana, who has *wimper* found a piece of herself *gasp* with him and *crying* now that she's brought him to her family *sob* she feels like the two halves of her live are *snuffle* complete and *shudder* she wants to give herself to him because *choke* she knows he would be careful. He feels the stakes rise.

And at last, we see the return of Black Velvet, in a slow southern style. Moana has taken the Anvil hairdo to a whole new level. It does not work with her 1940's style dress. Or any other article of clothing. Ever. Sarah from Canada is more normally dressed, though in a blue velvet dance outfit. Susan is channeling the equestrian within, as she approaches in yet another velvet dress with a long pony down the back and a simpering walk. Thank goodness Sarah from TN wears a sort of green gray dress. Viva la TN.

And he picks
1. Susan (Nooo)
2. Moana (NOOOOO)
3. And Sarah.........from TN. YES!!!!!!

Sarah from Canada says goodbye. They are just at different stages in their lives (um, yeah). She looks a little rough as she cries into the camera, but we believe it to be for the best.

Stay tuned for next week when the women go on Romantic Overnight Dates and Susan auditions for the Young and the Restless.

Travis Part 4: Sensitive New Age Guy

Episode Four begins with psychology 101: What Do Her Earrings Say About The Woman Within? As the women file into the living room, we notice that Moana is wearing donuts on her ears. Yet it is Susan's armless women take the cake: huge air-filled heads with a stick hanging down, but no cross stick to empower them. Upside-down flappy male symbols, sans-arrow.

But we instantly forget the earrings as we are flung headlong into SportsCenter. Jennifer our former favorite and Shiloh make a surprise comeback to choose which lucky two women get the individual dates with Dr. Feelgood. We are thrown into confusion because Shiloh is so very pretty, but Jennifer is like Cruella DeVille in some sort of faux dalmation coat and one of those lace tops that women think look sexy but really look like a doily. Hers even has a tie to make it tighter around the neck. Have so many seasons of the Bachelor deadened our sense of quality womanhood even as they have sharpened our fashion taste? We ponder this paradox as Jennifer and Shiloh whip through the women. Sarah from Canada may be too young. Susan may be too artificial because she wants to act (and those eyes, my god those eyes). They finally say something about Feral Tara being 22 and drunk all the time. And Moana has a melt down. Nothing new here.

Ultimately, Jihad is chosen for the first individual date, which of course involves one of those improbable wicker suitcases that you get at your wedding so that you and your new spouse can go on a picnic. You know, just like when you met. Anyway, we hate Jihad's sleeves. They are crocheted beige like those horrible plant hangers I secretly like and dangle well past the edges of her coat. We are amazed that she does not manage to hang them in her baguette, wine, or cheese that Dr. S ditched her to buy while he bought her a charm necklace of the eiffel tower. If I had a charm from some of my recent first dates, there would be a hot wing, a peanut shell, a miniature of Stayin' Alive, and at least half a dozen fools.

So surprise, Jihad was married! Oh, but it was really just one of those things. You know, you're 25, you think you love him but he really just wants to stay in the country. It's really understandable, which is why Dr. Livingston lies through his teeth and says it doesn't change how he feels, but would she mind terribly if he didn't give her a rose? He wants her to stay until the rose ceremony, but it "wouldn't be fair" to give the rose at such an early stage of their relationship. As we all know, this is just a variation of the I'm a Mature Man Sensitive to Your Feelings Dump: "I met someone, and I am so confused. I think you're so special, and I respect you so much, but I was wondering if I could date you both for awhile?" Like somehow ambi-dating makes it less of a dump. Jihad of course agrees to stay and runs home to tell the other women for some completely mystifying reason.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, date box #2 has arrived. "Join me for a ride through the French Countryside." Dum Dadalum Rawhide, Yah!!! Because all women want to dress in head-to-toe spandex, sit on a bike seat for a few hours and then cram their now weirdly abrasioned backsides into bikinis to parade around a spa, Dr. S chooses to have a "Tour de France" themed date. He makes the women compete in a bike race for a special surprise, and Moana brings her A-game, blowing past Tara at the end. We secretly think that if Tara's liver hadn't been so busy processing all that alcohol, she could have won, but then we wouldn't have Moana and Travis in a couples massage in which he manages to convince her that he is a good communicator and the other women spy through the glass pool side WTF, on many levels. Our favorite scene here is the slo mo of hands massaging naked skin. hahahaaa.

To be perfectly honest, we are so amazed by Sarah from TN and her use of ginormous hot rollers that we don't quite notice date #2 ending. She is like a big brown cauliflower, all a twitter as she prepares for the last date, her solo adventure with Dr. Love. When she takes said rollers out, we are sadly defeated, as we had hoped to finally understand what special edge was achieved by such tools. But she looks just like she did before....except now she is wearing this shirt that has one demure sleeve and one pit roaming free. We think you are sweet, Sarah, but hell no.

Sarah and Travis go to Monte Marte (however you spell it) to get sworn at by the french and drawn by this freakity sketch artist that looks like Mad Eye Moody in a cape and black fedora. Over dinner, the Stork tells Sarah from TN she is "pure and true" and that he "respects her so much that she is a kindergarten teacher." Oh, and that she has "far exceeded his expectations." Even though this comment is online with "I ate it and I didn't get sick," Sarah chooses to see it as a compliment, thereby sealing her fate as far, far more virtuous than we. She gets the rose.

At home, the remaining women go ape about Moana. While talking about how mature they are, they also say that they would "vomit" if Moana got a rose at the next ceremony. Moana is understandably upset when she overhears this, and we give her props for standing up to them. Even if she does it while wearing some Daisy Don'ts.

After all this, Travis decides to bike on over to surprise the women one last time before the rose ceremony. To make his street cred more legit, he channels Bruce Springstein with a head bandana. Hopefully, the french will know he built this city. He built this city on rock and roll (yes, we know that Bruce didn't sing this song, but it's what we began singing upon seeing the Stork take it to a new level). He attempts some one-on-one time with the women that he didn't take on individual dates, including Moana, who breaks down to him about how she knew she didn't need to be afraid when she saw him across the room for the first time, and that she's let go and she's changed and so grateful, etc. He worries about her feelings. And we worry about her sanity, concluding these things upon 3 weeks of knowing said Bachelor. We are also completely distracted by the wierd crystal necklace that Dr. Stork has taken to wearing.

And at last, the rose ceremony. The only thing mentioning here is that Tara looks alternatively squinty, scary-ass smiley, and like she ate a frog. We also don't recognize this random blonde chick for about 5 minutes...until we realize that it is Sarah from Canada and she is so clever with makeup as to actually change her appearance. Oh, and Jehan is sucking in her stomach and looking out from under her eyelashes with such conviction that we are confident she is going to pass out any moment.

In the end, Trav ends up picking Sarah from Canada, but only because he didn't recognize her and figured he'd forgotten to get to know someone. He also picks Susan, who does a little bump-shimmy when she accepts her rose, and...Moana. Oooo. Tara and Jehan go home. Sarah from TN already had a rose, so she stays. Tara of course is all whispery to Travis as she says goodbye: "somebody here is trying to deceive you...I left my Jim Beam in the closet...."

Stay tuned for next week, when we learn how the Final Four will look when they are older by meeting their mothers on their hometown dates.

Travis Part 3: I'm a Smitten Kitten

Episode Three begins with Dr. Strangelove (thanks Candy for the moniker) running up the road shirtless. Mmm, okay so A++ for the abs of steel. But we are immediately skeezed out to meet Matt and Kevin, fellow doctors, best friends of Dr. S, and named after my last two serious boyfriends. ABC has tried to spruce them up in sports jackets and hair gel, but you can only hide the M.D. factor so much. You know what I'm talking about.

So my boyfriends ask some critical questions: 1) what is the biggest muscle in the body (answer: the butt); 2) which ring would you choose and why (Moana is "shallow as a kiddy pool" in answering that one); and most importantly, 3) what is your unique talent. Susan can juggle, which she probably learned on the planet she came from. Sarah from Canada can do the splits, topped off with a triumphant growl. And Sarah from TN can fit her entire hand in her mouth. Given then two of these talents are decidedly dirty, we are shocked to discover that Susan is the one given the individual date this episode. But she was the only one to name the biggest muscle, so once again the MD factor prevails.

So Trav picks Susan up for their date, and OMG, our dear Dr. S has reinvented the Mulletchest (mullehchey, since we're in france, dear readers). Business in the back, party in the front. Nice jeans--check. Sports jacket--check. Britney Spears Page Six T-shirt-check. Anyway, he picks Susan up, equally mysteriously attired in a white tank and low rise jeans. We hate her for not displaying muffin top upon sitting.

He and Susan drive around France in this amazingly small car and get completely lost searching for Paris. This very dull and boring "comedy" reaches its pinnacle in their conversation. To the tune of Ice Castles: Susan is all nervous, full of self-doubt, clutching her heart because she feels in "in here." Trav says she is "beautiful. Has so much depth." She says, "thank you for being on the same page as i am." He gives her a rose. THey walk out on the balcony of the hotel (when did they get a room????) and kiss as she runs her french manicure down his back and shows off her signet ring that she probably bought at Spencers for $5. She is a "smitten kitten." Who says that?

Meanwhile, the women are discussing Susan, of course. She apparently wants to be an actress some day. Lady, I got some news.... But Moana, who is a "pretty good judge of character" despite her Emancipation of Mimi fur-lined parka and highly questionable square glasses, says she doesn't think Dr. S will be fooled by Susan. This deep conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Date Box #2: The chest from the Temple of Doom. Apparently, Tara, Shiloh, Sarah from TN, Moana, and Jehan will be sailing the French Riviera on a yacht the next day.

Holy crap, Dr. S canNOT dance. Date #2 has everyone stripping down to swimsuits to dance around on the yacht and pretend like they are having "so much fun" with far more energy than any woman over the age of 23 really possesses. We see the white man "hey, ho" dance. We get a little "what, what." We even get a "down with it" fist pump from our man Dr. S. We instantly fall in love with our boyfriend for taking ballroom dance classes.

But the real shizz is that Moana takes charge and pulls Trav away on a jet ski. Oooo, the other women are all pissed, but we are incredibly distracted by the random guy with the scraggly moustache that pops up in the background of the camera view. WTF. But mystery man is forgotten when Travis takes the women gambling in the next shot, walking arm and arm in a big giant unwieldy row of six. Hey hey, we're the monkeys.

In the casino, Moana is, of course, smoking a cigar. We are more disturbed by Shiloh, who has chosen to wear her hair in that barret-on-top-long-on-the-sides look that only Reese Witherspoon can pull off and only because she looks 4 years old. And then we see that Shiloh's dress is really a tankini. Call me crazy, but a date with the Bachelor on national television is not the time to be a braless wonder. Shiloh takes her time with Trav to warn him that not all of the women are there for the right reason. Oooo. He says later that he's not going to formulate an opinion based on hearsay, and we compliment him for Best Use of a Legal Term by Lay Person.

The rest of this date passes in a blur. Travis questions whether Sarah from TN is a sexual being, and we want to sink through the floor for her. We feel a sudden kinship to Sarah from TN, as a recent scalping by a beautician has left us with eyebrows similar to hers. Feral Tara the Interrupter joins them to break up the party, and our dislike grows. But all women are perplexed by the fact that Trav won't hand out his rose until morning...when Moana seals the deal by putting on her parka, bringing him coffee in bed, and then climbing in with him. He concludes that he likes Moana because she "is not forcing anything." We are suddenly thankful that we are not faced with the prospect of dating such a twit. She gets the rose.

The last individual date is with Jennifer, our tentative favorite who breaks our heart by donning a fake fur shawl thingy and putting lots of hairspray in her hair to go camping. Oh, and growly Sarah from Canada too. The big controversy is that one of them has to go home that night. This date is really an even draw. We don't like Sarah because she uses bad grammar ("me and Travis...him and Jennifer), but we also regrettably don't like Jennifer because she acts like she's never heard of whittling before. And proceeds to hack at a marshmallow stick like it is biohazard. Not surprisingly, Dr. S elects to have Jennifer go home, who brushes her tears away with yet another french manicure. We are, once again, favorite-less.

For the rose ceremony later that week, Susan has chosen to let her ENTIRE breast hang out. This is my thing: if you are going to wear a dress cut down to your navel, for the love of god learn how to double stick tape and do not, under any circumstances, sit down. But since Susan, Sarah from Canada, and Moana have all gotten roses already, I guess that's her biz.

In the end, Jehan, Tara, and Sarah from TN all get the remaining roses (even though Jehan's dress is completely see-through), and Shiloh goes home. Travis says that he never really got that close to Shiloh, and we secretly think it's because of the giant gold sash she is wearing.

Stay tuned for next week, when the bachelorettes complete a bike race for a little something special from our Doctor of Love.

Travis Part 2: I flew all the way to France; So that Our Love could be given a chance.

Welcome to Episode Two, where we get a bonus two hour special. The first hour is the same only different. It's a repeat of last week's episode, but from a "different vantage point." All I know is that said point was totally obstructed by the poem recited by Princess, which ABC blesses us with today:

Thousands of miles away from home
But only a hop, skip, and a jump from Rome
I find myself in the City of Lights
Hoping to receive a rose tonight.

OMG, words don't describe. Fortunately, we have a 5 minute bachelor montage of previous seasons to soften the blow. But then we meet our Bachelor, Trav, for like the fifth time. This time around, we have a voice over of him talking about treating this little blonde boy who looked just like him as a creepy home video of a little blonde boy plays in the background to delighted childish laughter. Ok, so now we think he's possessed, in addition to being very nice (and okay, a little foxy) but still utterly boring and straight laced.

Then we have a whole view of the women getting dressed for their First Bachelor Sighting a/k/a the first rose ceremony. We hate their bony asses. All of them. But especially the one with the flat bejeweled belly button. Although we like Sarah from Canada's dad a little bit for teaching his daughter how to say "If you touch my daughter, you're dead" in French.

As much of this first hour is like last week's episode, it is unworthy of the Bachelor News Update. Except, it must be mentioned that Kristen Big Boobs McGee's ideal day would be to wake up and sing a little song to her beloved, "good morning, good mooorning." And then instantly dance her way into Singin' in the Rain. And Travis was impressed by Tara's big brilliant smile. What?!? She is like a little red-headed piranha--teeny tiny mouth. sharp little teeth. And Jaime from Virginia decides that if Trav offered her a piggy back on the first date, by golly she'd go. She'd hike her dress up and everything. AND Stephanie acts like her ankle is injured to get Trav to touch it because she "doesn't fight in an obvious way" for her man. Oh, and Ali G the doctor who goes ape also coaches him on how to say her name and then freaks that she's losing $1500 a day being in France for this man who is not mature enough to pick her. Well, Ali G, thank you for endearing yourself to the common man.

But what we really care about, dear viewers, is the second hour of this special episode, in which Travis narrows the 12 survivors down to 8 "lucky ladies who have a chance to be a doctor's wife." Welcome to the 1950's, ladies.

There is much screeching when the women get to see their fabulous French Country Manor, where they will be living. And Big Boobs learns that she will get the first one-on-one date. But first, oooo, it is group date time for Cole, Yvonne, Sarah from Tennessee, Jehan (when did she get on this show?), and Elizabeth.

Okay, we're feeling it until Travis wears Those Jeans. You know the ones. Strategically faded from thigh-bend to knee and somehow mysteriously brown in said area, like someone had an accident. But he feels cool in said jeans as he welcomes the women onto his "party bus," a red double decker all pimped out with shizz.

The rest of this date is incredibly boring. It rains cats and dogs. They talk about their passions (Jehan is passionate about yoga and riding bike on the beach; Yvonne favors shopping). Cole says that "every mom in the world would be excited if her daughter brought home a doctor." We hate her for sheer stupidity. And then, the best line of the entire show: Travis says, "Did you guys see the tip of the Eiffel Tower?" Ahaaaaaaa. Mind = gutter. Oh, and Jehan gets the rose Travis was permitted to hand out on this date. We don't really like her either because of her strange straw-like hair.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Kristin is working on a little poem for her date with Travis. Because, you know, she really expresses herself through her poetry. Or, as Sarah from TN calls them, "poe-eeems." Ahem:

Tonight is our first date;
And being with you, I know it will be great;
We're going cruising down the Seinne river together
And after last night, I hope we have great weather.

Thinking it's done, Travis says, "Oh, that's great. Thank you.".....and then she turns the page.

So Let's go have some fun
and make sure we look up at the sky;
because you never know which stars
Will make a twinkle in your eye.
---Keep Smilin, Kristen.

I wonder if she dots her "i"'s with hearts. Needless to say, whether it was the Estelle Getty black sequin number she was wearing, that she cut her orange rind into fake teeth, or that she attempted to drink her wine with the teeth, she gets the big axe at the end of the date. The fact that Travis called her mother to find out her favorite food (Italian) only makes it more harsh.

Ooo, but we learn some things about the women at home during this date. First, Yvonne gets props for wearing big prescription glasses, pigtails, and a barrett. Second, Susan gets turned on when a man's nipples get hard. And Tara likes a paddle. And several of these women like to have their hair pulled. And we are confident, dear readers, that this will lead to a number of misguided bedroom maneuvers of the male viewing audience from this point forward.

So then Trav feels "pretty damn cool" on group date #2 when he brings the remaning six women (Moana, Susan, Sarah from Canada, Tara, Jennifer, and Shiloh) via helicopter to Champagne, France to visit....a champagnery. Who knew such things existed? Just like Jennifer the model, who is actually shaping up to be our favorite despite the ill-planned turquoise dress of episode one, we did not realize that champagne was chilled in a giant cave.

Shiloh, Sarah from Canada, and Tara have 1 on 1 time with Travis during this date. Travis ends up giving Tara the rose, but the best part is Sarah's time with him. He doesn't want to kiss her on a "6 on 1 date." And she says her time with him is "wow." Okay, so my first year of college, there was this guy named Patrick that I did not have a crush on. But I always talked to him as if I did. And it was very embarrassing. One time he came up to me and said, "so, this is a nice day we're having." and I said, "Yeah, I'm like, wow!" Future lawyers of america, unite.

And now we are down to the rose ceremony. Moana has joined Star Trek with her hair, all weird and lumpy like a giant seashell vertebrae coming out of her forehead. Sarah from TN is worried that she gave the wrong impression by telling Travis that she generally starts relationships as friends first (what is this show coming to?). And then, because it is Susan's birthday, Travis "walks her to his bedroom to give her a special something...."

And it's just a cake, but Travis really needs to be careful how he says these things. Susan closes her freakity bright eyes and makes a wish, and then starts in on The Speech: "It was like lightening struck when I first saw you....this has never happened before....the world melts away when I see you...." shutupshutupshutup. Oh, we are all cringing through the afghans on our sofas as we cannot bear to watch. Fortunately, Tara and Jehan bust up the party by breaking in on Susan and Travis....only to be turned away by the Trav because they both have roses and he needs to focus on those who don't. Well, way to go Travis. Our hears warm slightly to the Bachelor on that one.

And then Sarah from Canada gets the first kiss. She is, of course, "cute" for being all growly giggly and convincing him to kiss her. Shoot us now.

And finally, he chooses, in addition to Jehan and Tara....
1. Moana (WTF)
2. Sarah from TN
3. Jennifer (whom we like because she is a wing ding and was dancefighting with Tara at the champagnery, but we didn't put that in the Update because this is already far too long)
4. Sarah from Canada
5. Shiloh
6. Susan, but only because she was shooting him death rays.

Stay tuned for next week, when Trav does the white man overbite (hey, ho) and we get to hear more bad poetry: "Tomorrow night we have 1 rose. One stays and one goes."

Oooo.

Travis Part 1: Hergdee Bergdee Dergdee Berkdee Boo

hergidee bergidee boo Stork Stork Stork!!!

Hey hey bachelor fans and fanettes, it is time to cook the chickie with our very own chiseled blonde blue eyed Swedish chef, Travis Stork. He is actually an E.R. doctor from Nashville, honies, and thus even more perfectly named.

We begin episode one with extensive views of the Parisian People's Penis, a/k/a the Eiffel Tower. Leave it to the Parisians to one-up us on the Washington Monument. Anyway, we see said Penis/Tower from near, from afar, with lights, and so forth until we are quite confident that we have learned that bit of geography intimately. Thank you, ABC.

This is the episode in which many boring meet and greets occur and many cheesy words are spoken as we narrow the field from 25 to 12. So I shall be brief. Our first view of the women is in the limos, giddy and giggling. My favorite is the idiot woman who sticks her entire torso out of the limo on the way to meet the Bachelor, champagne glass flapping in the wind and hair blown over her face like a broom. My guess is that this is Jamie from southern virginia, for reasons set forth below. Anyway, the first limo pulls up outside a castle, and this viewer instantly realizes that she must learn how to spell/say "chateau" with a straight face for this entire season.

Before the women even exit the limo, we have a pre-emptive "This just got very real." Usually, this phrase is saved for at least episode 4. But we see that this is a smarter group, appropriately picked for an E.R. doctor who graduated magna cum laude from his class at Duke, and so things must go faster. We shall endeavor to keep up with their rapier wit.

Nikki Hilton is the first one out of the limo. Apparently, her name is Susan, and she is very pretty although her eyes are a little too close together and a little too bright. Take me to your leader. She and the Stork have a conversation which can only be a euphemism for one thing for which the Parisian People have built a tower: SHe says "I like your place. It's very big." And he says, "Yeah, it's huge." And she says, "well, I'm looking forward to seeing you in it." And he says, "yeah." uh-huh.

Next out is Cortney, a Law Clerk. STOP THE PRESS. You mean I could have been on this show?!? If I were, I sure as hell wouldn't be wearing the giant ropey fishnet she wrestled from the sea and strapped across her chest like a halter. Wtf.

We then have Kyle, who comments a great deal about the house (one of many), April, whose shoe fell off, and Jihad (or actually Jean or something pronounced weird). Jihad is the first to make the Prince Charming analogy, which is very annoying but we don't care because she gets cut anyway. Then Kristen, who is big boobs McGee incarnate from the very first season of the Bachelor. Anybody remember Amanda, who liked to jump out of the closet in a wonder woman costume? Anyway, Jennifer the model is in a turquoise bridesmaid dress, Tara is a little red head who is almost pretty but a little to sharp-toothed and feral for this viewer's tastes, and Venus who has never been to Paris (but probably rode there in a shell, naked). Moana, really pronounced that way, says it/she is "one hell of a ride" and Cole is wearing a hot pink version of that JLo dress cut all the way down to her fancy. Then Sara, Lisa, Princess, and Liza round out the first group.

We have ten more women bursting forth from limos and giggling, but the only ones worth mentioning are Jaime from Southern Virginia, whose head looks like an anvil so strange in her hair, and Yvonne, who says "love the suit. love the tie. All well coordinated. Love it." a la Karen from Will & Grace. Yikes! Oh, and Sarah the graduate student from Canada, who is a delicate blonde totally unlike this viewer and also all sexy-growley and little panting sighs (email doesn't work to describe).

So the big word at the party is that Trav has a single red rose inside the chateau (hee hee) for the very special girl he wants to continue. OMG, who will it be?!?! Read with me. Allie the 33 year old doctor says her eggs are rotting in her, so it better damn well be her. Kristin brings Trav a shot glass from home to endear him to her. Now that is high class. Moana says that Travis appears to ask serious questions, unlike other men. Apparently, she will be the "injured one" this season. Allie confronts Trav about her reproductive system. Yvonne then tells him she's not ready to reproduce. We cannot get past Cortney's fishnet. And then suddenly, unexpectedly, Sarah the growly panter gets the special rose! That took us by surprise.

And all too soon, it's time for the rose ceremony. Cole, Moana, Jennifer of the turquoise, Elizabeth, Shiloh, Yvonne (Wtf), Sh...something or other, Susan of the close-set eyes, Feral Tara, Sara from Tennessee, and Kristin Big Boobs McGee get the roses. Woa.

And then.... Allie the doctor goes ape. Conventional dating methods have not worked. Email has not worked. The internet has not worked. The only reason to get married is to have kids and she is ready. She storms after Travis and demands, "why didn't you choose me? Am I too short? Are my boobs too small?" And he's all, "uh, well you kind of freaked me with the reproductive thing. I'm not really at that phase." And she says he's wrong because he's in his mid-30s and dammit he should be there. And this reader notes that yeah, she does have a good point, but pulling that producer in front of the camera to continue her rant is going a little too far.

And we fade to the credits, where now the halter-dressed women are draped in blankets from the chill they previously could not feel in the Bachelor's presence. Stay tuned for the upcoming season, which at some point involves women in a fish tank spying on a couples massage.

Only, my babies, on the Bachelor.

Charlie Season FINALE: He rolls the dough. He rolls the dough. He cuts the dough.

When I was in 8th grade, I had the hugest crush on this big meathead with a perfect physique, Joel. My friend had class with him, and she would make notes on everything he did: He mixes the dough. He rolls the dough. He cuts the dough. He puts sprinkles on the dough. He bakes the dough. Etc. I literally have folders full of these notes. Yet they all could have been condensed into "the dude cooks." So too could have been this meandering 3 hour bachelor finale, which this viewer watched WITHOUT the benefit of alcohol because she got home late and had to settle for Ben & Jerry's and expandable pants.

First, we see Chuckie take Krisily and Sara B home to Mauntauk to meet his family and friends. Krisily is first--she meets Chuck on the beach, where we see several close ups of her throwing her head back and flashing her crest white strips in uproarous laughter. Then, they take these little mopeds (just like the kind I'm going to buy when my back falls apart and I can't stand up. Eeeeeeeeeee) over to meet his friends Frank, Steve, and Jack, who are by all accounts fuckwits. Steve says that Krisily is "down," which I think means cool. Jack makes sure to talk about how Chuckie and he "sail together," and "do business." Well okay, Chauncy, put a little ice in that gin for me, won't you? So then, Chuck and Krisily go back to meet his parents, British Michael and Jersey City Linda. Linda is 6 feet tall and has a huge necklace of bones around her neck. Not like real bones. Like plastic, white, 4 inch long dog bones. It is so ugly it is awesome, similar to this viewer's parrot earrings. We instantly like Linda in all her misguided hippiedom, but we do not see her true views on much because after everyone agrees that Krisily is wonderful, they say goodbye.

Date #2 is with Sara B, and this time Linda is wearing teeth. Big, long, white teeth. Around her neck. I suppose some people keep their glasses on a string in order not to lose them, so we mustn't judge. Anyway, the main thing we see in this date is Jack being a total complete jerk to our dear Sara. He pulls Sara into another room while they are dining at Chuck's parents' house, and proceeds to attempt to provoke her through really accusatory questions. "So, you're a southern belle? So, you like Chuck? Really? Really? You like him?" Finally, when she says she's independent and not going to take his shit, he says, "Oh, so you're controlling?" Evil, evil Chauncy the sailor. THEN, after telling Charlie that Sara is bossy, he brings it up again at the dinner table, saying rudely in front of Chuck's parents that Sara B being "motherly" is really a nice way to say she's controlling. At the end of the date, Charlie is all, "Oh, I'm so glad you could meet Jack. he's my best friend." And SB's like, "yup."

We leave this date being mad at Jack and not really knowing much about how the rest of the date went. But we comfort ourselves in knowing that Jack is one of those men who will have a perfectly enormous ass when he gets older.

On the women's last day at Mauntauk, each gets a letter under the door asking them to meet Charlie outside, where they learn.....that Chuck isn't ready to pick and wants to keep dating them until the live show tonight! We should be shocked, but have seen this announcement a hundred times in previews, so we are nonplussed. But before they say goodbye, each woman has a final date with Chuck back in New York. Basically, Chuckie gives Krisily a picture of them snorkeling together in Aruba, and Sara B asks him not to be "intimate" with Krisily while they are continuing to date, out of respect to all involved. I guess that's his gift to her.

Now we come to the live show: He rolls the dough.
Chris brings Charlie out, and then they proceed to go in circles about how Chuck's not looking forward to breaking someone's heart and Chris is like, "Oh, but aren't you excited" and Charlie is like, "no, not really Chris. And by the way, that is an awful tie." so forth.

Next, we see Krisily: He rolls the dough.
Is she ready to have it over with? Oh yes she is. And she is looking stunning tonight in this ivory dress that channels Scarlett Johannsen (or however you spell her name) with her hair just boardering one of those anvil-style up-do's that Paris Hilton always does and that this viewer cannot stand.

Then, we see Mary and Byron: WTF.
What are Lord Byron and Mary Queen of Sots doing here? Didn't we leave them 2 seasons ago? Apparently, they are making a plug for their wedding, which is coming up next year. They also just bought a house together.

Third, we see the contestants return home: He cuts the dough.
Chuck has a perfectly stilted conversation with his brother Jerry, where Jerry is like, "You're a great guy and such a good judge of character and I am saying all of these things to make you look like a catch and me like a fairminded individual." Krisily returns to Rhode Island, where mom says she's "gonna kill" charlie for not making up his mind and Nana says, "Well, did you kiss a lot? You hafta kiss to keep yah meayn." Sara B returns to her dog Lucy.

Finally, Charlie comes out: he sprinkles the dough.
Chuck's voice is shaking. He says he's found love, but that his focus is on how he has to break a woman's heart.

And then, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, we go to another ad break and start the whole filling-of-dead-air-time-with-notes-full-of-"he-rolls-the-dough" again for another hour. Here's a recap:
Chuck says he's 30 and ready to settle down. A little Pillow Talk segment ensues of him talking to the "girls" on their cell phones. Too bad we can't split the screen in three and have them all on together, all talking about nothing for the cameras while lounging on their beds with their legs in the air, like you know. THEN we see them each watching the show with their friends. Best line award goes to the Grandmas:
1) Krisily's Nana, of Charlie and SB not kissing: "They're not kissing on the lips. What's up with that?!?"
2) Sara B's grandma, when she finds out Sara B is a final contender: "Is he Catholic?"
Next, the families talk at the live show. Nana shared her philosophy on premarital sex with the audience: "You hafta try before you buy." Okay, so then we see each woman having an additional date in Mexico with Charlie. My favorite part of this was the red octagonal "alto" sign and the random dog running down the street. Oh, that so captures Mexico. (???). And THEN we see the last dates Charlie had with each women: Krisily at a BBQ with friends and Sara B mini-golfing. And finally, we check in with Sara B, who is nervous, and Charlie, who is nervous and repeats his previous 5 minutes about not wanting to break someone's heart.

And finally, an hour later, it's time for the moment of truth. Charlie has decided to break up with the one woman in the privacy of her dressing room because it's pure evil to do it in front of her family and a crowd on live television. He goes to her dressing room.....and it's Krisily. Poor girl, she's sucking on a life saver, which she stuffs up in her cheek (the one, unfortunately, turned to the camera). She also has her shoes off, which makes this viewer feel better about feeling looserish for not wearing uncomfortable but pretty shoes. Charlie does the whole "let's be friends" routine, and let me tell you, we love Krisily for this. She is gracious, and wishes Chuck and SB well in the most sincere voice, and keeps it together, and suddenly we realize that Krisily is the bomb for taking it like a champ. The Rocky theme ensues....

The Chris drags her out before the audience and makes her answer all of these stupid, stupid questions. My favorite was, "How long does it take to get over something like this?" WTFWTFWTF. Nana and mom come down from the audience and sweep her away.

And then, at last, three years oh I mean hours later, the lights come up to see Charlie standing by the Final Rose. The doors open and here comes Sara B in this brown halter dress with little sequins all over it. They smile, and Chuckie starts to cry, and he launches into a big awkward speech about how it's so great to be them and he'll be the best boyfriend ever and he'll take care of her and he'll be the best boyfriend ever and there's no better person for him than her and he'll be the best boyfriend ever.......until he says "well, say something!" and she kisses him. They say some awkward "I love you"s, he gives her a "promise ring" (augh), and then they drink champagne as she announces that she's moving to LA. Fizzle.

And that, my dear readers, is the last of the Bachelor Episodes perhaps to air ever. That's right: The bachelor faces an uncertain future, so this may be our last late Monday night together. Parting is such sweet sorrow, but if by chance no more Bachelors bind us together, it's been a joy.

Adieu.

Charlie Part 7: Back in the Rotation

We begin the Bachelor: Women Tell All episode convinced this will be a boring show. The twelve most memorable women come out for a little fireside chat with our host, Chris Harrison, and we are saddened to see nothing too freakish on any one person (yet). We have a little chat with Danushka, the toothpick with the lazy voice who announced that inviting a man to take a shot from one's belly button makes one a "slut," rather than a "bitch." Well, I will be sure to put that in my file of alternative explanations for when the children that I babysit ask, "KLo, what's a...." Then we learn that the other women were always trying to keep Kerry, who had gotten the very first rose on the show, away from the alcohol. And finally we have a Hallmark moment where Chris asks Kara (single mom)'s daughter how she felt about her mom being on the show, and she says what all 8 year old children would say on national television: "I felt very special when my mother talked about me." You could almost see her reading the teleprompter.

And then we have Kristine, who, if we might take a walk down memory lane, was the first of many swimsuit models. She dropped trou on the first meeting with Charlie, pulled a folded up poem out of the pita pocket holding her left breast, and read a rhyming little piece about how happy she was to meet him. And then on her second date, she reveals to him that she's also a special agent for the federal government, inspiring Chucky to say, "I detect a girl who is crazy. She's turned into a nutty buddy, and that was never my favorite candy." Now, she tells Chris Harrison that she's not at liberty to say what she does and that she got called into "headquarters" about revealing herself on television. Oh. My. Gosh. I think I want an undercover FBI agent who is stupid enough to reveal herself on national televison. Chris is like, "are you undercover now?"

And then Kimberley a/k/a Meatball comes out, channeling the dancer on the "belly dance to fitness" tape this viewer shamefully purchased one day because it would be "fun." Kimberley is wearing a sequin turquoise bikini type top that has rendered her chest one giant cleave handy for paper filing and the capture of small crumbs. Yet we stop all thoughts of judgment when Danushka tells Kimberley she should have hit the gym for a few months before the show. _gasp_. Our hackles are instantly raised, as we recall the hopping on one foot to incoherent middle eastern yarbles with left arm flailing and right finger jammed to our foreheads like freakish smiling instructor in an effort to firm and reduce. "Go Kimberley," we think. "Go girl, in your nakedness."

After some discussion with Jenny, a fellow canadian, about how the Meatball "represents Canada badly," and how Jenny doesn't want people to think that Canada is "only about bikinis," we are treated to footage from the "dress up like Kimberley" evening. Various clips of dancing about in shades of undress are seen, leading Kimberley to conclude that she's glad the other women can feel sexy in her clothing. We will forgive her this lapse in critical thinking, for the reasons mentioned previously.

And finally, the moment we have been waiting for. Or as Chris H calls it, "the unleashing of the Hounds of Hell." Sarah W makes her appearance in what is by all accounts an artist's rendering of an easter egg shrink wrap decoration masquerading as a top. It's this sort of yellow hankerchief thing with a ribbon around the top and long triangles on both sides because let's face it, women want their hips to look ginormous these days. Sarah, as you know has "always gotten the top dog guy" her whole life. She, Sarah Welch, is a "beautiful woman. That's all it takes to attract a man." SW is "used to being the cat and the boy is the dog who chases after her." If she "had been a little uglier, perhaps she could have stayed." But, since she has left the Bachelor, she is happy to be back in the "rotation," which she graciously has said she would "kick out" if she were to be with Charlie.

"The rotation?" you ask. SW, my dear readers, goes on 5 dates a week. She has a series of men who she fits into her "weekly rotation," which, she says, is "fantastic for the bank account." Maybe not any more, as Kindle says. But back to the rotation: apparently, men will call her and ask to be "fit back into the rotation," and she will do what she can. We are both horrified by this and yet curious about how much sushi we could eat each week if we developed our very own rotation,... until this viewer's sister snaps us back to reality with the observation, "every hooker on the block has a rotation." We are instantly thankful for the perspective which family brings.

So then the women (read: Kindle) go ape on SW. We would tell you about this, except it's all on the theme of: "you think you're pretty and too cool for school, but you aren't." We love Kindle, so we won't make any parallels to Zoolander here. The rest of the women back her up, including Jenny, who asks if SW took "too many rides on the Kukukanuuka bus." Then Charlie comes out and fields questions. Kimberley wants to know if she was too "wild" for him. No. SW wants to know what happened. Chucky felt like she was playing an act sometimes. He goes away, and we get to see unseen footage of the remaining women.

And this is why I love Sara B: she airs out her armpits before the rose ceremony. We recall moments of stuffing kleenex in the pits of our sweater while driving to our ex-boyfriend's wedding, and we take a moment to thank the maker of super absorbant soft tissue with Sara B. Beyond this revelation, we learn that Charlie was a little scared that Kimberley would show up in lingerie for their date, and we get to see his really, really gross disgusting dirty feet on the Kukukanuuka bus with SW. Hmmm..and then we see clips of the next episode, the FINALE that you all will be watching next week. Turns out, Charlie has been dating both women all this time and will decide between the two live before a studio audience next week. We are a little concerned it will be like Jen dumping Jerry, but we are resolved to Take One for the Team of bachelor watchers everywhere.

Finally, SW takes two questions from the remaining women. SB asks SW why she told SB she wouldn't be in the final four. "LIAR! Liar!" Sarah W/scary Princess Bride lady says. "Liar liar pants on fire." More murmering ensues because let's face it, we all saw SW tell SB she wouldn't make it. Then Krisily asks, "Are you still blaming me for Charlie sending you home?" and SW says yes. Oh my.

Stay tuned for next week, when we find out if SW's prediction that Krisily would win is right!

Stay strong.

Charlie Part 6: All Of Me, I'll Show Charlie Aaaaaall of me

Bachelor Episode 6 finds us in Aruba, far far away from the 35 degree weather that has caused this bitter bachelorette to turn on her heat in MAY. As a new twist for this season, all three of the women are having their "fantasy dates" on the same island! Oooo. After soundbites of how all three are "so glad that I get to be at Aruba and all the other girls aren't," they all get out of their cars at the same time....to see each other. We should be noticing their not-so-thrilled faces, but are totally distracted by the ginormous ceramic hot pad hanging from Sarah W's neck. WTF. At first we think it's a sand dollar ("ooo, how pretty" we think), and then we realize that no, it is a spoon cozy for the stove, on a little string. Huh.

First date is with Evil GI Jane (Sarah W), who is sure to mention that she is a "fun, adventurous, wild girl" who apparently cannot dress herself. In the spirit of Ozzy Osborne but with much fewer injuries, SW and Charlie go ATVing. He in shorts, t-shirt and helmet. Her in this army green string bikini. And that damn necklace. At least if they get stranded, she can flash it in the sun like a mirror and signal for help. Anyway, first, we see her spread-eagle in the backseat of a jeep, talking about how pretty she is. Then, we see her on the ATV in this get-up, riding across the desert. This reminds us of two things: 1) how much we hate it when the backs of our legs stick to leather seat cushions and leave those exaggerated stretch marks; and 2) our friend Amberly in 4th grade, who had this problematic swimsuit with mesh siding perfect for sieving all sand in the tri-state area far, far into the depths of despair and all cracks associated therewith. Says Chuck, "You picked a good ATV outfit." She responds with a shout-out to what she knows best: the non-sequitor. "Well, this is my natural element and everybody usually likes me, so." Indeed. They end this portion of the date on a kukukanooka bus playing the moroccas and smiling like they have more energy than people really do in their late 20s.

Next segment, we discover that SW has taken over Kimberley's closet. SW shows up for dinner in this boob-sling criss-crossy animal print shirt (you know the type), which we subsequently discover is really a multi-purpose wrap. Throughout the meal, we continue to wonder why any woman would wear a top to dinner which would involve any gut sucking. But we realize the value of said top when Chuck suggests a "swim off" and quick as a flash, SW is wearing the top bathrobe style and giggling about how she "wished she had worn underwear." twit. The swim off ends about 10 yards from where it began, in a kissing frenzy amidst the waves. We try to care.

Date #2 is with Sara B on a sailboat. We love Sara B, although we don't see much of this date, just because she's all level-headed and is making Chucky work for his kisses (which he finally gets this episode). We mostly see Chuck jumping off the boat on a big swing is this godawful blue swimsuit with giant sunflowers all over it. Any man over 6 feet should not wear sunflowers, just for the stalky, dorkish symbolism of it all. But anyway, Charlie definately seems intrigued with SB and professes a big crush on her, for which we are happy. They have a nice dinner and go back to his place for more alone time, but she declines to spend then night. (Yay). It is at this moment that we realize we were never told if Sarah W did. Hm.

Anyway, the interesting moment of this date is actually back at the ranch, where SW stalks Krisily and so graciously informs her that she "has no problem with Krisily so long as Krisily agrees never to talk about SW to Charlie." How big of her. SW then comments to the camera (insert snotty voice of your younger siblings aged 13) "Krisily isn't even _mature_ enough to know where her anger is coming from towards me." shutupshutupshutup.

Finally, date #3 with Krisily, on their "own private island." To be perfectly honest, the date makes this viewer cringe because Krisily is obviously so happy and so overjoyed to be experiencing all these things she hasn't ever done before, and Chuck looks vaguely bored and unengaged with the whole thing. He keeps saying, "I'm so happy I could give these experiences to Krisily," which in this viewer's mind is a sure-fire "sacrificial lamb stud" thing to say. They go snorkeling, the have nice conversations, and Krisily goes on and on about how CHuck makes her feel like a better person, and how she loves every minute with him, and how great and sweet he is. And we really like Krisily for her innocent enjoyment of the whole thing, but we fear for her heart to be broken.

The date ends with them riding off in a Catamaran back to Charlie's place, where we learn that Krisily wants to make sure he sees "all of her" before the rose ceremony the next night. She says that "intimacy" is an important connection to have with a person, but that she doesn't want to get hurt.......He volunteers, "I'd like you to spend the night, and we'll figure the rest of the stuff out as it comes." Sort of an "We'll be okay, kid." And it's babe in a bag for Charlie. She spends the night.

Once again, the more interesting bits are outside of this date. First, we see SW rise up like Evil Orca Incarnate from the water, flipping her hair back a la Bo Derick, only not as nice. Then, as SW is walking along the beach that night, SB calls her up to her room for a drink. SW asks SB about her date, and then later tells the camera that she's not "threatened by it because there's NO WAY Sara B is as fun as I am." augh.

Finally, the rose ceremony. We are thrilled because Charlie says that going into it, he feels like he's got his head screwed on straight and knows exactly what he's doing. So he picks.....
1. "Sara." Neither Sara knows who this is, until Chuck says "Sara B," and SW looks thunderstruck.
2. Krisily.

Ding dong, the witch is dead!!!! Chucky walks her out. "why?" she says. "Because we have awkward moments and never got it figured out," he says. Just to show she doesn't have sour grapes or anything, SW offers the following E! True Hollywood Confession as the limo drives her away: "Charlie just totally wasted two roses. I'm a way better catch than either of them. I'm such a good catch and a sweet girl. People are mean ot me because of the way I look. It's a curse to be pretty. It sounds horrible, but it's really true. People are racist that way. That's why it didn't work out. Maybe if I wasn't so pretty, it would have."

We leave Sarah W to contemplate the meaning of the word "racist" and look forward to the next episode, where the "women tell all" and Sarah W is forced to "confront the women who hate her."

Charlie Part 5: Missing His Meatball

The Bachelor Episode 5 only confirms how much we love Sara B, who for the first time in Bachelorette History, allows the Bachelor to pick her up at the Texas hospital where she works. She appears in sunflower scrubs and directs him to her house (which she owns at age 24. stab me in the heart) and then lets him play with her dog Lucy while she changes. It is at this moment that we notice the Pits of Despair. However, the Pits are only mildly damp, a gray hint of shadow under Chuck's arms. But as soon as Sara's family arrives (sis Rachael, bro John, Dad Jerry, and mom Cissy--WTF kind of name is that?), the pits go to the Dark Side. Perhaps it is Rachael, a buxom brunette in a plunging neckline who grills Chucky. All we know is by the end of the evening, the Pits are seeping halfway down his sweater on both sides. Nevertheless, the date goes well, a nice supper and alone time with Sara (but no kissing, thank god just yet), and Charlie leaves "feeling like a kid in 6th grade, running from the girl he likes." Yes, that is how we want Charlie to feel, even if 6th grade might not be that unusual for him. We love Sara but are convinced that she will get axed because all the best ones do. Sigh.

Next date is with Kimberley in Edmonton, Alberta. Or as I like to call it, "My Meatball has a First Name, it's Py-R-O-G-Y. For all you non-polish readers, that's Peh-ROH-gee. Anyway, Charlie aptly sums up his approach to Kimberley as "we've been getting on physically, but have yet to carry a conversation." After a little stint at an amusement park, Kimi takes Chuck to the Pyrogy House, her family restaurant, where she meets her mom Marge, Bro Darcy (definately NOT Mr. Darcy, unfortunately), and sister who I think is Brenda. Marge is just thrilled to rattle off the 11 types of pyrogies they sell: potato, sardine, cheese,...or in the words of Christopher Guest, we've got you're pine nut, your pistachio nut, your red pistachio nut, your peanut. Marge reeeeeeallly likes Charlie, don't you know. He's just sooper, especially the weh he makes them pyrogies. But Marge's date is soon over with Charlie, as Kim kicks her mom out of the kitchen and drags Charlie back to "get desert." Mm-hm. Charlie earns brownie points with this viewer by refusing to make out with Kim in the back of ma & pa's establishment.

After dinner with the fam, Kim takes Charlie to The Sapphire House, which apparently must be the only quality bar in town, because ex-contestant Jenny (who got kicked off last week) and her friend Jason (who is, incidentally, Kim's ex!) 'run into' them there! Turns out, Jason and Kim lived together for a year. He pulls Kim away and grills her:
1. Can Charlie harness "Kim Wild?"
2. Does Kim have the "meatball connection" with Charlie?
Kim, you see, has always been Jason's meatball. " I love you, meatball," he says. This viewer is suddenly lifted by the hope that someday they'll re-find it, the meatball connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me. Of course, if Jason ever tells Charlie about "Kim Wild," as she is known in Edmonton, she will never talk to her meatball again. But this is okay, as Kim's defiance at least breaks the agonizing embarrassment of Charlie's conversation with Jenny, in which Jenny seeks to _relive_ the further embarrassment of her dumping the previous week by whining to Chuck about how he never got to know her and what is he looking for and blah blah shoot me in the head.

This date ends with kissing out in the street to ABC's version of porn music. Boom chicka baw baw. "mm, yummy" giggles Kimi.

Date number 3 is in Corning, New York with Pure Evil. Oh, I mean Sarah W, who shows up with her shaggy hair all down and wearing this little off-the-shoulder cream number that keeps Charlie guessing. Chuck confronts SW about telling Sara B who the final four are, and SW actually looks shocked and semi-denies it (which we don't like because it is a LIE, Chucky, a LIE), and _then_ says that it's just because Sara B told her that Sara and Chuck just had a friendship relationship with nothing there. Suddenly, we want to go ape on Sarah's boney ass for saying something so damaging to our favorite's chances. As SW says later to the camera, "I have the MAJOR goods on Sara B. I could RUIN her, I tell you" [insert evil maniacal laughter].

So then we go home with SW and Charlie, where we have to listen to SW go on and on about how she has "a presence in a room" and is "a diva" and is "just used to other girls hating her because of her looks" for the 100th time. Her poor sister Chelsea, who is this boney ballerina, is like, "yeah, Sarah's not used to working for male attention," in abject awe like it's okay for SW's head to be so inflated it. Beyond Sarah's obnoxiousness, the rest of her family is really very nice. Charlie falls in love with SW's dad, Jerry, who gets Chuck to shovel the mountain of snow on the sidewalk. Says chuck, "a little more alone time with Jerry and he would have gotten a rose." At this point, we are growing concerned because SW's biggest selling point is her family and they are winning Chucky over big time. But said concern reaches a crescendo upon hearing SW say that during their final moments together that evening, she "gave him the eye and batted her lashes, and it worked!" Pure. Evil.

Anyway, off we go to Warwick, New Jersey for Charlie's final date, with Krisily. Upon arriving, Krisily whisks Chuck off to her aunt Michelle's hair salon, which Krisily manages, for a cut. In the heaviest New Jersey accent possible, Michelle goes on about not wanting Krisily to get her "hot broken" while stabbing away with scizzors and a razor. Charlie survives, only to meet Krisily's remaining family: mom Cheryl, Nana Kathy, Dad whatshisface, and aunt Lorie. Okay, so we love this family, even if the women are tanorexic Barry-Manilow hair impersonators. They are loud, they are obnoxious, and nana does the rumpshaker dance with Charlie. Then, mom and nana kick the happy couple out to the porch to go practice their kissing (and summarily go spy on them through the window. "Oh, isn't that the cutest thing, wit they'ah heads all close ta gethah."). After Charlie says goodbye, Nana gives Krisily some excellent advice for all young women: "you gotta try to get em in bed. Fight for yah mahn, Krisily. You get em in bed and you jump on im. Gotta use yah powahs." Oh, we love Nana.

At last, Charlie recognizes what we have all been thinking when he arrives at the rose ceremony: "My pits haven't stopped sweating since this thing started." He says that he is on the verge of a breakdown, that this is so hard, and then he starts to _cry_ and we actually feel sorry for him....even as our eyes are ripped away by the teal sequin estelle getty dress work by Kimberley. We are positively certain this is a big symbol for "remember the Sapphire House" in her own Albertan way.

Charlie shocks the hell out of all of us by picking Sara B first (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), followed by Krisily (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, because she's one tough broad on the outside, but is actually very sweet), and Sarah W (Nooooooooo.). Kim is stunned because she never saw it coming. And then Charlie does something that will piss her off later: He says to her, "Yeah, I didn't even know who I was going to pick until right that moment." Her departure leaves the viewing audience at a loss. Did he share his meatball and subsequently become disinterested in homestyle cooking? Did he sense that she had been claimed by a previous meatball? Did he turn vegetarian?

Stay tuned for next week, when the final three contestants head to Aruba for their Romantic GetAway Dates. Little do they know that they are on the same island together!

ooooo.

Charlie Part 4: Don't Fence Me In

We don't like Sarah W. Or her buttless wonderness of her. Or her shaggy Janice the Muppet hair. Or the valley accent and the little thin lips and the "I was so pretty in high school that I'm used to all this jealousy." Gah Gah GAH. Oh, how we don't like Sarah W. If Sarah W was a milkshake and this viewer was all the boys in the yard, this viewer would definately not be brought. Damn right. Even if she charged.

But the Bachelor Episode 4 doesn't begin with Sarah W, but with Sara B (little Sara). Just as the cute little deer trotting clippity-clop like a gimpy drunken bachelorette through the woods, so too does Sara B weave her horse on an awkward staggering path about 10 feet onto the trail, "woa"ing all the while. We really like SB, but we are not surprised that her choice of high heels and a very pink little sweater and hat ribbon render this horseback date rather short lived. Nevertheless, all is forgiven when she gets Charlie to confess to we viewers that he went to rodeo school while his brother was filming Stand By Me. We find this explains a great deal.

Anyway, this date ends back in the stables with Charlie and Sara wearing their riding hats and having a big bonding conversation about exes. Charlie apparently has one girlfriend who still calls him all the time and tells people they are dating, though they broke up 2 years ago. In light of the fact that he has retained both Sarah W and Krisily at this juncture, we are neither surprised nor impressed that Charlie might have a flaming psycho or two in his past. But we grudgingly admit a moment of appreciation when he decides to hold off on shoving his tongue down Sara B's throat until the right moment sometime in the future. Ooo, and I almost forgot: Charlie asks Sara B why she was surprised to get a rose the last time around, and she reveals to him that Evil Sarah W told her she wouldn't get one. This shocks Charlie. We think. Well, okay, so his eyebrows moved. A little.

Meanwhile, Krisily and Sarah W go ape.

Oh, you want more? Okay, so the women go to this salon for manicures and pedicures (things this slimey-footed nail-biter will never experience nor subject any poor manicurist to) because they are all cooped up in the house. SW has this big "ooo, he's so greeat" spazz about how she "Dreams of Charlie every night and thinks about him all the time and can't wait to spend time with him." So says Krisily: "Is that true? You're just playing the game [bitch.]" Soon, petals and hot rocks are flying, SW says that Krisily is just "horrible" and "worthless," which prompts Kendle to say "that was just _mean_." (did I mention we love Kendle?). Krisily stomps out in her little flip flops and is soon seen with her face all shoved up in the camera like some british reporter "quiet now: tiger woods is flush on for a birdie at this next hole." She is weepy and says that SW is the "fakest person" she knows. Okay then. So confidently says Sara W to the same camera later on: "If I don't get a rose, Charlie is making the HUGEST mistake."

After this drama and intrigue, Charlie gets The Bright Idea: Let's Make the Women Fence. A few highlights: Kimberly is wearing Chippendale Shorts. You know the ones that probably inspired the trend of "tea bagging"? We briefly wish that we were there to point out that what might look cute from one angle certainly ain't so pretty in a lunge or squat, but we are not on the Bachelor to save all fashion emergencies. Additionally, SW is at her finest: "If Krisily were to stab me, she'd be thrown in jail and a major lawsuit would be slapped on her." Hopefully, in that event, Krisily would have the good sense to go for the wind pipe. And finally, Krisily is afraid of the fencing mask because she's claustrophobic. She pulls Charlie aside for a confession of her fear and a SW-bashing session. SW returns the favor with another 1 on 1 in which she says to Charlie, " I guess I'm good looking and I've always had girls hate me" and does all this deep breathing and "like" and "um" and trying not to cry as Chuck grips her shoulder meaningfully. Gag.

Suddenly, Chris Harrison is there and anounces that one more date is on the line, sans rose. Whomever fences the best and impresses Paaaaauuulo, this random Italian fencing star that suddenly appears out of nowhere, gets the date! We hear the Chariots of Fire theme song as Krisily slowly dons the mask and takes a few slashes.....but Anitra wins the date. But not before Sarah W (who we don't like) says of Krisily and her claustrophobia; "How weak and broken down is she compared to me?" I pity the foo who messes with Sarah W.

And then we have Anitra's date, a/k/a "A Nod to Farah." Okay, so first, she is wearing this pink top (what IS it with pink?). It is polyester. It is clingey. It is gathered in the front and secured by a giant pink sequin diamond from cleave to naval. Then she tells Charlie that she loves to eat and that's all she thinks about. Then she tells him that she was disappointed when she heard he was the bachelor because she figured that he would be a big snob. and THEN she says, "oooo, what does my desert taste like...." until Charlie finally says "it's rum" and takes a big drink of his own. He's a caller, she's an emailer. She's always cold, he's always hot. She says of the date, "Hm, well, I'd like to sleep on it and decide what I think." I think Farrah Fawcett licking the walpaper on the Late Show and later dismissing the moment as that she was "out of it."

The next morning, Charlie pops over to the bachelorette pad because he feels like he needs more time with the women. Krisily pulls Chuck away for some time together, which "totally makes" SW "vomit." And then...dah dah dah DUM, Chris Harrison pops in and says that the rose ceremony is happening right that minute! crisis!

So all the women run downstairs to take their places on the steps of shame. Chuck is having a quiet spazz because he's not ready, and yet he pulls it out:
1. Kimberley, who has hitched her pants down lower at least three times that morning.
2. Sarah W, who is all excitement and heaving busom and "oh I'm just so happy" in such an obnoxiously excessive way that Charlie even says "settle down or keep quiet. One or the other." ha.
3. Krisily. Sarah W promptly settles down.

Since our favorite Sara B already has a rose, it will be these four who bring him home to meet the parents next episode, in which Charlie cries, someone wears a tablecloth, and someone's grandma does the rumpshaker dance with our Bachelor. Stay tuned to watch how Sarah W proves she "would be the best girlfriend in the WHOLE WORLD."

Charlie Part 3: * 69

Bachelorette Episode 3 begins with Kimberley, our swimsuit model, laying out a few "outfits" for her upcoming one-on-one date with Chuck. In no particular order, these include turquoise tanga pants (which are, let's face it, like having one's entire full-bottom underwear shoved up one's crack, revealing nothing but hail damage from the storms of time down below); some weird black thongy thing that she had to put back together and still looked abnormally large, and then the outfit of her choice: precisely one-half of a bondage bustierre which plunges to her naval, and a black tube skirt pulled down to her fancy. She had it especially made for her. Thank God it is just the perfect thing for the art gallery that Chuck is taking her to on their date. According to Big C, "nothin' says lovin' like three floors of art."

As you all might guess, Anitra and Jenny stage an Intervention, in which they encourage Kimberley to think outside her buns. "Think about what people wear to the art gallery...." Kimberley takes it well, and then selects--in place of said bustierre-- one black control-top panty hoe in which she has cut a neck hole, donned, and topped with a tiny little black coat with white trim. Again, says Chuck, "we are cookin' with GAS."

Apparently, Kimberley's dress is far too tight for thought, as the entire date consists of "oh, that's so cool!" and "Oh my god!" and "You are so funny!" as Chuck leads her through the art gallery (always one step behind her going down the stairs. of course. ) and they see art that he made as a child. Turns out his mom is an art teacher and his dad ran a studio. Why, WHY is he such a twit. Anyway, Chuck decides he "wants more," and so he takes her back to his place for the evening, which is "really cool" to her. She talks a lot about his "pitchers" on the wall, and his dresser, and etc. They wind up on his bed, which is "very bouncy" according to Kimberley.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the women have a hot chicks party with all the clothes in Kimberley's suitcase. This is evil and horrible, but we are nevertheless freakishly amazed that we have been introduced, via the television, to a real-life non-celebrity type person who actually wears those shirts that are two criss-crossy boob slings and nothing else. We hate that Sarah B, our new favorite, has dressed in gold lame and is now dancing around with her rump in the air. But as all the others are also doing this, it is only to be expected. Yet after a few hours of the dancing, the women grow tired and *69 to find Chuck's number and see where Kimberley is. Allegedly "on her way home." Hm.

Date #2, which is bowling, proves to be dull indeed. This viewer comforts herself that if SHE were there, she would amaze them all with her bodacious bowling moves (best golf score 2003, thank you very much). But as I was not there, we must content ourselves with swizzle stick Sarah W being all aggressive in her attention to Charlie and then giving a lecture to all the women on when it's okay to sleep over at a guy's house. Chirp. All this is fine and good, until, dear readers, we realize that Sarah W is Pure Evil. She, our fallen former favorite, says to Sarah B, our new favorite whom we love, that she knows who the final four are because Chuck told her. Then she names them, who of course I didn't write down. And THEN, after she doesn't name dear Sarah B, SW says "at least he has good taste." chirp chirp chirp.

Poor Sarah B. But then, all looks up because Sarah B has 1 on 1 time and figures, "oh hang it." and tells Chuck that she wants a family and then says she'd like to raise them in the church. And he gives her the rose!!!!! Yay!!! Sarah B vows to be more careful what Sarah W says in the future.

Date #3 is with Kara, the single mom. Chuck blows off their first date because he's tired from the 3 hours of sleep he got the night he watched Kimberley's bosom bounce on his bed. This viewer has no sympathy, particularly when he sends Kara a big thing of flowers and an apology note for missing their date literally 2 seconds after she got off the phone with him. Would have been better if she would have freaked out on him, and then gotten the "thanks for being so understanding" note after. Anyway, Chuck and Kara go ice skating at the park and have a painfully awkward moment of "racing" with two high-pitched boys who were clearly "planted" on the ice while Kara and Chuck were skating around. "Hey mister, race you!!!!" After this little contrived moment, Kara concludes that CHarlie would be a "good family man," thus displaying the clearly delusional nature of this show. And then they mutually dump each other at the end of the date. She goes home.

Chuckie takes a brief interlude to call his brother, who, after asking about whether there are any "psycho girls," offers this sage advice: no hot tub scenes."

Finally, the rose ceremony. Charlie, apprehensive, approaches the women in manner similar to the immasculated mastadon statue posed "charging" on the IPFW campus. Jenny, in a Saturday-Night-Fever-meets-Pretty-in-Pink bunchy dress, attacks Sarah W as being aggressive and Kimberley as a hooch. Krisily seconds that. Sarah W looks sweet and says she would never want to be called aggressive. And then, Charlie gives the four remaining roses (Kimberley and Sarah B already have one) to:
1) Krisily
2) Anitra
3) Sarah W
4) Kendal, who we are liking more and more because she just shuts up.

After tough talk about her rejection being "no big deal," Jenny stalk off like an ostrich in bloom, and then shakes the camera as she stalks off to cry. Then, we are suddenly back at the house, where Krisily is going ape at Sarah W at the top of her lungs for not standing up for herself and not having an opinion, and then insists that she is only "having a conversation" with SW.

Stay tuned for next week, when the "claws come out" at the nail salon.