Double D Part Finale: She wants, she wants to be Jesse's Girl!!!

We got in the mood for Double D Part Finale with a few tea lights on the table and a glass of wine. Really, we must start drinking now because we see a preview of Jesse crying and that cannot mean good things.

First we must suffer through a recap of Deanna's relationship with the two final contestants. Big Daddy is gazing out at the golf course wearing nothing but ginormously long shorts. Boys may call these "basketball shorts" but we all secretly know they are capris. Blah blah, their emotional journey, blah. Then we have Jesse, also topless and looking out at the beach. Blah blah, the government is giving away free money!!!, blah. We heart Jesse, but if we must see that jacket from the first night one more time, we may go blind.

But soon it is time to meet Double D's Dad, sister Chrissy, and brother Thomas in Noona, GA. Sayeth Deanna, "Yeah, you know how open we all were with Brad? Yeah, I told the guys it's not gonna be that way." Yikes. But omg, they have a puppy that looks exactly like GMu (though it cannot compete with the Gip). And also, WTF why did they put their other dog in a little outfit? We think of the old couple we saw on television that calls monkey in a dress their child, and we say let that be a caution. You are one step away from dressed monkeys, Pappas family.

Anyway, so Big Daddy shows up first with flowers for Dad and Double D. Dad asks what happened in Big D's previous marriage, to which we once again learn that his ex-wife started a relationship "with someone else." And also, said someone was the babysitter Becky (I mean, how many ways can you not say this, Big D.). As Dad is pondering whether Double D is ready for an instant family, Sister Chrissy steals Big Daddy for some intense discussion. Can you guarantee that you will take care of her emotionally? Do you love her? Sister Chrissy, now your time has come.... to kick some ass.

This date ends with Big Daddy asking Deanna's dad permission to marry her, and then playing golf in the front yard. He is perfect, blah blah blah.

Sadly, we have retreated behind the afghan by the end of Jesse's date, which begins with brother Thomas smelling fear: "His hands were sweaty." Dad asks Jesse about why he snowboards, and Jesse says "it's something fun." Dad asks how long Jesse is going to keep having said fun, and we do not hear the answer. Dad asks if Jesse has ever been in a serious relationship, and Jesse says he lived with another girlfriend but they grew apart. Dad asks what happens after the butterflies and sweaty palms go away, and Jesse says this is all new to him. So let's recap: "Dear Mr. Pappas, I am just having fun right now, totally shacked up with another woman with no plans of marriage, and have no idea what to do after the romance fades." We love Jesse, but dude is 0:10 here.

We are also now scared of Mr. Pappas: "If you take my daughter away from me, I have a son. I have a 6'5" 300 lb. nephew. We will come hunt you down." He is all offended that Jesse did not ask for Double D's hand in marriage. "That is the way he is, and that is the way he is going to be." We feel that Mr. Pappas is being a little harsh.

Thank God we have Date #2 with the entire extended family, even if Sister Chrissy is wearing some sort of horrible pink top and yellow sweater. If we cross our eyes a little, we think we see "Bud's Bowling Team" on the back. But oh oh oh, both boys have shown up at the same time (welll, almost), and now Double D is sitting between them with a hand on each thigh. Dad asks what Jesse's pros and cons are, and Jesse includes the word "rad" in his answer.

And then we know the way we know about a good melon. We do not like Big Daddy. He is holding her hand through the entire meal, he is working the room, he is promoting his own Greek food stylings ("I make a mean moussaka"), and he is asking Double D's grandparents about the "secret to a happy marriage." [sidebar: we love grandpa. He says "the secret is, when your wife asks you for something, you agree. Always agree with your wife."].

This is our thing: we like humility in our person of significance. We do not need to hear how fabulous Big Daddy is from the mouth of Big Daddy all of the time. And also, we like that Jesse is asking more questions of the family than he is informing them about himself, even if he teaches Grandpa and Grandma how to knock the rock and blow it up. Dear Boys: If the conversation consists more of you telling than asking, you are sucking wind, no matter how much she smiles at you. And no, it is not a free meal: she is paying so that she does not feel guilty not going out with you again.

This public service announcement was brought to you by the BNU.

And that is why we heart Double D's sister in law, Crystal, who champions Jesse to Double D. But crisis: Ya Ya (Grandma) says Big Daddy is the right guy for Deanna. We are also still scared by Mr. Pappas, who asks Jesse if he is ready when Jesse finally asks permission to marry Double D, and then knocks fists with Jesse when Jesse attempts to shake afterwards. We suspect that would have been a punch off-camera. "When you have my beautiful daughter with you, you keep the hair short," he says. Eek.

The Ultimate in awkward group dates finally ends with a double shot of Ouzo for the boys. "Opa!!" says grandma after fist bumping with Jesse. Deanna holds hands with both guys as she walks them to their cars (awkward), and then asks Crystal and Sister Chrissy who they like. Ooooo, Jesse may be less experienced, but he may be a better fit because is Double D really ready for an instant family?

But we don't get to find out yet, as Jeranilla now appeals Deanna's previous judgment against him. He is back in the Bahamas, babies, and seeking closure while also wearing trousers and a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Dammit, he has been in our work wardrobe again.

Jeranilla tells her that she is making a big mistake with sending him home, that he had been a statue until he met her because he had to stay strong for his family after his mom's death, and that he realizes that he is to blame for her decision because he hadn't really done his part and let her see who he was. Our hearts break for him when she tells him that she just wasn't falling in love with him and he goes off to cry in the parking lot. He doesn't understand that him sharing himself with her is not the same thing as falling in love. Decision affirmed.

So........tears aside, Double D meets up with Jesse for their Last Ditch Date- a sea plane ride to a private island for the day. But what if you have to pee? We do not see a port-a-john lurking behind a palm tree. Anyway, Jesse talks about "everything that her and me have," and we think that ABC should screen for grammar along with STDs when selecting contestants. But Jesse redeems himself by making her a book of memories. Oooo, best gift ever, even if he also spells "Onesie" as "onezie."

Last Ditch Date #2 with Big Daddy begins with Big D stumble-running towards her. Yes, Big Daddy, everyone's a winner. But we are not so sure about this prize: scuba diving with the sharks, i.e., kneeling in the water as the sharks bump up against you. KMu suggests that ABC drop a fake leg with a sock on it into the water just for fun. So, Big Daddy made a board game called "eight roses" as his gift, for "her and I to play." WTF is up with the grammar. I mean, seriously. We love the idea of a board game, although the directions "play until you reach the fairy tale ending" totally ding the ick meter. We are going to burn in hell for our lack of romanticism.

Following these dates, Deanna contemplates the guys ("Jason: safe, caring. Jesse: big heart, personality, exciting) as Big Daddy seriously picks out The Ugliest Ring Ever. Hello, Elizabeth Taylor circa Now. He may be "ready to complete his family," but daaaaaaamn. Now we have to vote for Jesse, even if he includes "many years of whip creamy cheesecake" in his drafted speech to her. We heart you so much, Jesse, that we are willing to suspend our whipophobia for you.

And the first man out of the limo is.......Big Daddy! We hear a wail go up across the miles, and that sound is coming CHue, a huge proponent of the Daddy. Sorry CHue, but this is really all for the best. Big Daddy goes down on one knee, she says wait wait and pulls him up, says she is in love with someone else, cannot have him go through with this. And he is stunned. And we are watching from behind the sofa. He was "so ready to be in love again" but now has his "body armor up." Poor, Poor Big D.

But yay for Jesse, whom we love a little bit more because it is so evident that he does not think he is going to be picked and is deep breathing all the way down the walk towards Deanna. He tells her he is in love, and will she spend "forever" with him, and she says yes, that she loves him, and then suddenly Natasha Bedingfield is singing "it's impossible, Mr. Loveable..." to a montage of kisses. The end.

But it's NOT, because we have a Bonus "After the Final Rose!!!" ["There's ANOTHER HOUR?!?" says PMu in depressed tones.]. Big Daddy is back, and dude is pissed as he watches a recap of what went wrong. Yes yes, he is still in love, all the women in the audience are "aw"ing at him, she is one in a million, etc. And then "she" walks out to answer his questions.

We must give props to Deanna, who completely holds her own against Big D. Apparently, she picked Jesse the morning of the rose ceremony, she had a list of qualities she wanted (and Big D had them all) but then realized she wanted something different, she was more planned with Big D than she was with Jesse, she let Big D get down on one knee because she got caught in the momentum of it. And she has more compassion for Brad Wombat out of this whole situation than she ever thought she would. But Big Daddy is optomistic about his future: "I've proposed now two times. The first one worked out 'kinda.' The second one not at all. The third one's got to be the charm, right?" Oh dear.

And then OMG, it is Rocky and Shayne of the Llamas. La Llama has hugely blown out hair and no pants. Rocky has a buzz cut. They are still engaged, still in love, and deny that he did this show to get a green card. We are pretty sure that he says something horribly politically incorrect with respect to that last item, as some word involving "akistan" is bleeped by ABC. Fucktard. We give it two more months.

Finally, Deanna and Jesse reappear for a look back on their romance. Jesse says he didn't know she'd say yes until she did, and that "when I brought her home, my parents were so psyched and I was like, 'whoa.'"

This Blossom flash back has been brought to you by ABC.

Anyway, they confirm that they are still happy together. And we actually think that they are. Everyone hugs the parents, they announce a date for the wedding (May 9, 2009), and ABC gives them tickets to Greece for a honeymoon.

So it ends. Thank you for hanging with me, my babies. See you next season, when *rumor has it,* Paula Abdul's ex may be the new Bachelor. Game on, babies. Game on.

KLo

Double D Part 7: Return of the Coyote

It's the Final Countdown (do do DOO do, do do DOO doo doo), as we head into Bachelorette Part 7/Bonus Men Tell All. Deanna is getting ready to go to Grand Bahama Island with ...dude.... that limo driver is looking a little rough. But fortunately she is is not going with drunk tank Danny, but with Jeranilla first.

Essentially, Date Jeranilla is wholly lacking in snap. Jeranilla thinks "this place is unreal." Double D worries that everything they shared has been serious and that they've only bonded over parents dying. They take a big fan-propelled boat a la The Rescuers (only not to rescue Penny and the Devil's Eye diamond from evil Madame Medusa. Or even to chase after her like Madame. boo). And suddenly, here we are on jet skiis. They zip around and kiss on the skiis, and we know this is supposed to be *exhilirating and fun* but we are having trouble because we have super-imposed the drunk peninsulers sipping on Pabst and doing jet ski wheelies from our former place of employment onto this idyllic scene. While we ponder whether three years of unsolicited soggy Michigan buttcrack has somehow scarred us for life, Jeranilla and Deanna are reflecting on their day: "hm.. that was fun... [chirp]." Deanna is getting irritated because he is withdrawing from her.

It does not get better.

"Oooo, hermit crabs!" Okay. We are both a crab and a hermit (and therefore know how loveable said creatures can be. yes we do. all of us.), but we are not sure that seeing a hermit crab is a good omen for romance. Especially followed by Jeremy's voice over, "We need to have that conversation."(ie, "I need to protect my partner from my outbreaks, and that's why I use...."?). He has that opportunity at dinner, where he confesses that "My head got me half way, but my heart will get me the rest." And "I would say I love you, but I already do." And in the Fantasy Suite (to which Deanna, of course, invites him and he, of course, agreed to go to) on the big ginormous bed as he shuts the door on the cameras. He is "perfect," says Deanna.

But this is our issue: Jeranilla has got himself buried so deep that we are not quite sure who he is. And we are thinking, just hazarding a guess really, that *might* be a bad thing here.

And now for Date Big D. Big Daddy runs towards Double D and they discuss him telling Ty about going on this date. "And I told him, I want a flower from Deanna." Honey, that could be taken in several different ways. But without time to ponder, we are soon bouncing along in a Jeep towards .... a porch that has come loose from a house? Deanna and Jason are pulling their way across a lake with a rope while standing on a porch. This makes no sense. But whatever, now they are eating a picnic and she is drinking wine while he has a protein shake (seriously, look at it. ew) and "laughing a lot." They go kayaking, which neither one has ever done before. HOW do you get to be a reasonably athletic person of 26 and not go kayaking? And also, you can't call "Shot gun," Big Daddy, because you are not sitting side by side.

At dinner that night, Double D is wearing her shawl thing from Date Jeranilla as a dress. We are also not so sure about the hair, which is one pony away from being horsey, but we give her a pass. The D wants to talk about Ty, but Big Daddy says he would rather talk about Deanna, and that she and Ty are "my two most favorite topics" right now. "Sorry, Mom." says ABe, our bonus viewing companion with the Mus the week. We know that Buttafuoco would never dis his momma like that.

Deanna pulls the Fantasy Suite card from somewhere under her bottom, Big Daddy doesn't even read it so eager is he to go to the Suite, and the music swells as waves crash on the beach. Oh, and he gives her a sand dollar necklace because she is "teaching him how to fall in love again."

Oooo, this is becoming so stressful!!! We worry that Jesse will not survive, and that his date may tank before he ever has a chance to prove that he is one righteous dude, man. Election-0bsessed ABe asks, "Who will Obama give a card to go to the fantasy suite? Hilary Clinton? Bill Clinton?" Chimeth KMu: "And will McCain get the 1:1, or will he be forced to go on the group date?"

OMG. We have no words for our viewing companions right now.

But yay, it is Date Jesse!!! He tells her she looks "hot," they horseback ride in the water, they manage to kiss on said horses, they picnic on the beach and talk about the importance of having friendship first. They make a human buoy and kiss in the water as the waves crash around them. Ooo, it is all fun and games until someone gets stung by a jelly fish. He says he loves her, but would he pee on her leg? We never find out (mostly because no one gets stung). Instead, they cling to each other by a fire on the beach.

And then WTF is Deanna wearing to dinner? We generally like her little outfits, but this is the seaworthy sister of Clown College Halter from Double D Part 6. While we may have built this city, built this city on rock and roll, we are not sure that a silk off the shoulder horizontal stripe pirate shirt and complementary silk headband is the best look for the D. Yarrrrrrrrrrrrr. And also, this is not Rock of Love. But we must get over ourselves, as Jesse may be in danger! She is worried that she doesn't fit in with his life, he says yeah, he can't snowboard forever and he really wants to be a sports agent and get his life in order and be happy. Okay. Dude, it doesn't sound like you know what you want to do. We don't either, which probably explains why we are blogging the Bachelorette at 5 in the morning.

So Jesse pranks Deanna about not being able to go to the Fantasy Suite without meeting her father first, and then confesses his love for her and that he is ready to marry her. Yay, Jesse.

And then it is the Rose Ceremony. O.m.g., Deanna is wearing a 4-H blue ribbon. And we are retracting all of our previously expressed views that her outfits are ok. We hope that she won Best in Show or something because Kmu is pretty sure she would have a Britney moment if drunk tank Danny were not blocking our view as D got out of the limo. We would be seeing ladybits even as she stands, but for the blue fan bow hanging below her hemline (and by below, we mean on par with her bits).

She picks
1. Jesse (woot)
2. Big Daddy.

Oh oh oh, Jeranilla is going home. He appears slapped in the face and cannot look at her. WE feel bad for him, as he tells her he was all about her from the beginning, but she says she was worried that their bond was over dead parents and not love. He's never had his heart broken like this before, he must get out of the limo and walk around as he is driving away and we are a little worried that he might throw up. Really, he would be such a good bachelor if he were not so closed off inside. R.I.P., Jeranilla. But really, you're an attorney so we all knew you were on Borrowed Time on this show.

But it isn't over, babies. It's never over because Part 7 is followed by Part Bonus: The Men Tell All!!!! We see RLav, Ron "Soul Patch" Cyrus Thicke, Paul of Canada, Pinkie le Chef (wearing pink), Fred da Bears, Buttafuoco, and....... (our hearts stop): Our Beloved. Hello Richard, how we missed you so.

Unfortunately, as Our Beloved is talking, we are completely blindsided by the Craziest Audience Tan Line Ever. We think she was wearing some sort of bandeau on a string, and then decided to wear a cleave revealing down-to-the-navel scoop shirt. Which might have been okay if Ms. Audience didn't look like she'd tanned through a chain link fence.

So we miss what Our Beloved had to say, but we hear about Twilly being "all freaked out" (shocker), and Luke the Oyster farmer realizing he screwed up that first night and was like, "alright, I'll go home." Aw, we think Luke is sweet. Chris Harrison says that competition for Double D was "fierce" and we suddenly see Buttafuoco kicking glasses, RLav saying he "needs to be on it," Ron SP Cyrus Thicke trash talking, and Pinkie le Chef slamming Jeremy. RLav (whom we really don't like at all, frankly) criticizes Twilly for assimilating himself into a group when he isn't part of it because you know, that skill is a bad thing or something, and Ron does the whole "some of us" felt blah blah blah we-speak in order to give his own idiocy validation by reference to "group" thought.

Jeremy is the first in the "hot seat." Once again, we feel bad because we just saw his heart get fileted, and he does a good job explaining himself as the other guys say that he didn't do a good job fitting into the group. Sayeth Rondo: "In a group environment, there are certain rules. And if no one has taught you a skill, you don't know it. But you know, it's not personal." We wonder what happened to "God will smite him." We are also happy to confirm that Mr. Cyrus Thicke continues the long line of other successful efforts to police uniformity in group thought: Salem witches stoned - check. Segregation - check.

We are glad Grahamwhacker is in the "hot seat" next, if only to shut Ron up. He admits that he was opening up "more than you would know" and wants a big pat on the head for bringing Deanna home to meet his parents and continuing to date her, even though these things were required by the show. Graham gets a gold star for participation, everybody. We like Chris Harrison for pointing out that, if Graham "wanted to make a statement," attempting to do it by refusing to kiss Deanna was not that time. Audience member Jinny wants to know what the Whacker's letter to Double D said. Graham says it told her how he felt. We all know it said:
(1) do you like me: [ ] yes or [ ] no.
(2) If yes, [ ] as a friend, or [ ] more than a friend, or [ ] you loooooove me and are totally going to skip study hall to meet me behind the bleachers at the gym.

And then Deanna comes out to Jeranilla's questions "when did you know." She says after she had dated Jesse and Big Daddy. Ouch. She then says "Graham was always the guy I couldn't have, and you could see I was second guessing my decision in that episode, but I don't feel that way now." Double ouch. And finally, she serves RLav a can of whoopass when he criticizes her for being "inconsistent" because she was all aggressive when she was on the show as a contestant, but then rejected some people who were not 'aggressors" (aka RLav, Grahamwhacker), while simultaneously keeping other "aggressors" (Aka Jeremy). Okay, so this doesn't make sense, and also we are a little freaked out by him categorizing men into "aggressors" and "not aggressors," but more importantly, dude, she was just not that into you.

But she is, apparently, into someone else because she is now engaged. We secretly know it is Big Daddy because Jesse is probably too different for her.

As we close the show, Greg the personal trainer rips his "Half Man, Half Coyote" t-shirt in half and throws it at a poor grandma in the audience, we see a clip of RLav dropping pool balls on his own, Fred da Bears gets asked out by an audience member, and Ron shares his wisdom with the masses:

"Iron sharpens iron. Steel can't be sharpened by iron.
You can't force a flower to open.
Sometimes the tree gets knocked down before it gets to bear its fruit."


RT, you are swift like tree.

Stay tuned for next week, when we are pretty sure Big D proposes and Double D says yes. And we preemptively mourn Jesse with rending of afghans and gnashing of teeth.

KLo