Big Daddy Part AFTER After the Finale Rose Part Sequel Part The Last Part For Real (We Really Mean It This Time).

Oh thank God no more Big Daddy Ever. Thanks to the powers of Tivo (which we totally don't know how to operate but that's why we have techno-saavy friends like the Mus), we are now simultaneously watching The Bachelor Part Put a Bullet In It Already and the Ohio Star Ballroom Competition. Yes babies, the only thing keeping our ears from totally bleeding everytime Jason says he "followed his heart" is an ambituous duo of American Smooth dancers dressed as Princess Leah and Han Solo.

Anyway, here we are in front of the Live Studio Audience, which basically looks like the same brunette woman at various stages of her life, peppered with the occassional male. Blah Blah the season finale happened three months ago. Let's get our Haiku on, recap style:
Walking Plank. Mommy?
Purple Broach Barney Yuck.
Ditched for cheerleader.

Aaaaaaaand then we have the After the Final Rose drama, which was filmed six weeks ago:
"Follow Heart" Ratfink.
Babysitter to girl next door.
Jason: "You Bastard."

Finally, we see a handful of the ditched contestants: Friendly Skies, Kari, Nikki, Jersey Erica, and Stephanie. Nikki, bosoms fully tucked in for the first time ever, says the whole break up with Melissa was heartbreaking to watch. Stephanie, wearing every single costume ring in her arsenal, waxes melancholic about how it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Friendly Skies is all, "I'm not gonna lie. I wanted to reach through the television and punch him" when he dumped Melissa. Which would totally be awesome if only she borrowed some of Stephanie's rings. Jersey Erica is all line-in-the-sand drawing like all thirteen year old girls we once were, but then holy hell: Kari speaks. We don't really know what she is saying, as we keep looking at her Crazy Pink Eyeshadow. Hello Typhoid Mary in that movie with the monkey and the food preparation.

So we field a couple audience questions. Brunette-in-a-blonde-phase-of-her-life drunkenly sways from sitting to standing and comments at length about her marriage of 21 years and how following your heart (everybody take a drink) is the only way to make it work. Brunette-who-shaved-off-her-eyebrows-because-she-though-that-was-a-requirement-for-this-show comments on how she think it will last. Brunette-hooked-on-self-tanner is critical of any man who can go from crying on a balcony to proposing three minutes later. ABe talks over Brunette-wearing-a-mumu-top: "There are no black people here. Oh wait, there's one hiding behind Chris Harrison." As the token-male-audience-member comments about never proposing in that situation, KMu concludes that Big Daddy is now going to dump Molly for a brunette audience member. Says PMu: "Maybe he will pick RuPaul," thereby finally proving that both a black person and post-op tranny can make it past round 3.

Out Jason comes to take the "hot seat," where he perches and protects his bits with his hand (fo shizzle. watch the tape). He just had to "follow his heart," babies (everybody take a drink). Nobody wants to do what he did in breaking up with Melissa, but he was "in love with somebody else." He understands that people might be mad at him, but hey -- that was "just me." He "really believed" he was in love with Melissa "at the time." Chris Harrison asks if he can tell all this to Ty and be proud. Oh yes: He "followed my heart (drink!!) and my head and did it with integrity." Since then, the last six weeks have just been getting "better and better" with Molly.

100 years ago, this viewer learned a valuable lesson. And that lesson was that anyone can appear normal for six weeks' worth of dates, even the boy who turns out to be a member of the John Birch Society, thinks the U.N. is taking over the world, and wears midriff bearing mesh shirts. And that, babies, is why we scoff at Jason's six weeks.

"I think I know why Jason's ex became a lesbian," says KMu.

Out comes Molly, who will not age well. The dress is okay but we are still waiting for someone, somewhere, to convince us that the teased pouf is really an appropriate way to make a barrett look fancity. Oh, after the Big Dump in New Zealand, she had a miserable week, but since Big Daddy has asked her back, they have had a "lot of serious conversations" in which she has "grilled him" (says ABe: And "opened herself up to him."). Blah Blah the Molting Swan Couple on the American Ballroom Dance Challenge is more lovely and interesting.

Blah blah Jason and Molly are now sitting together, and BOTH are cupping his bits. Molly says it's all going "really well" and Big D says they "have passion, are best friends, partners in crime," etc etc. Molly totally gives him credit for what he did, because it is totally creditable to burn down a house with three people in it and then rescue two. They "followed their hearts" says Jason (everybody take a drink). And then we all know that we are in an economic downturn because ABC gives them a tent instead of tickets to some exotic trip. We hope ABC did the right thing and gave those tickets to Melissa, who deserves to be liquored up on a beach right about now.

At last, we have The Big Reveal: Who Will be the Next Bachelorette?!?!?! Survey says . . . . Jillian!!! Yay, we are super-pumped even if she is a breathless and fast talker because we heart her. Says Jillian, "This is a magical and great opportunity." KMu opines, "if by magical, you mean big huge embarrassing failure . . . " but we hope that Jillian can Rise Above It All. Oh oh oh, we will find out when we all tune it on May 18ish, which we thought is when Chris Harrison said we are Back On The Air.

It's been a ride, babies. See you in a few months.
KLo

Big Daddy Part Finale: Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Let the record show that we have been vindicated in our longstanding distaste for Big Daddy. He is a total tool.

So The Most Dramatic Finale With The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever begins with Ty catapaulting himself towards Big Daddy in New Zealand, "Dadddyyyyy!" Big Daddy wants hugs and kisses. "Careful kid," says KMu. "You don't know where those lips have been." We know it to be true, as Big D explains to Ty that he will be meeting Daddy's "friend" Melissa on this episode. Yeah, Ty, Daddy's SPECIAL Friend. Closer to your age than mine, son. Sorta like a sister. Melissa soon appears running around the corner and does her whole elastigirl routine with the launching herself at him and coiling around his waist. Surprise, they are going golfing!
"Shall we see who gets it in the hole first?" says Big Daddy.
"I think I will" says Ty.
No, Ty, we think your Daddy will.
Soon, BD runs off to get a "surprise" for Ty and leaves him alone with Melissa. They run all over the mini-putting green and tell bad jokes until Jason arrives back with . . . . a sheep. WTF. Okay technically it is a lamb, but either way we must suffer through a discussion of whether, if Ty talks to the sheep, it will talk baaaaaaack. And also, why does the sheep not talk? Because it is baaaaaashful. Shoot us now.

Off we go to hang with Big Daddy's family. So we all know Delicious Dish on SNL, right? ("I like rice. But I really love these schwetty balls."). That is Big D's mother. Big Daddy's father is a cross between James Gandolfini and this other actor that we totally can't remember the name of but is always eating a sandwich in our mind. We promise you, they TOTALLY look alike. And also, he has three brothers and a sister or sister-in-law or somebody. Blah Blah Ty's a better golfer than Melissa is. Blah blah she was all nervous to confess her love to Big D, but look at the special connection she seems to have for Ty. And also, it shouldn't be a stumbling block about her parents not being on tv because they are in fact really close and attend each other's stuff all the time. You know, which is why they didn't go to any Cowboys games when she was cheering, and why her friends have never met her parents. The rest of this meeting is a nonevent.

"After today, I am completely falling in love with Melissa," says Big Daddy as he puts her in the limo at the end of the date.
"What happened to the lamb?" inquires ABe.
"Kebab" sayeth PMu.

Onward and upward to date #2 with Molly, who is wearing a ginormous scarf. Gentle readers, we have had a change of heart about the giant scarves and are, um, embarrassed to admit that we wore one today. We think that this is reminding us of India and our hippy college days, but we secretly know to the World At Large we have turned into our fifth grade teacher with her penchant for garish scarves secured around her person with a napkin ring. Regardless, holy hell has Molly taken her Mary Kay makeup lessons seriously, what with her three shades of complementary eyeshadow colors blending into giant smudges of dark at the outskirts of her eyeballs. Big D, of course, "cannot look away" from Those Eyes.

Mol "hasn't been around kids much" (other than her peers), so we prepare for a disaster. It is not long coming as Ty first ignores Molly and then settles into an awkward series of kite-flying and frisbee-playing moments. Blah blah Molly asks Ty how old he is and he says three. She's all, "Wow, three! [I could totally start legally drinking like when you were born!]." Hm.

So Molly's date with the parents is essentially the same as Melissa's, other than the mangy horse featured randomly at the entrance to "Kauri Hills," which is presumably where ABC has stashed the family for the week. She tells them that she "thinks" she's "had her wild and crazy phase, which probably lasted longer than it should have." But now she's "really taken the time to focus on her career for the last few years." Okay so...you were a drunk sorority chick in college. And then you graduated two years ago. And now you have to earn a living. Of course even this vague reference to a working woman completely scares Big D, who notes that "her and I" (booo) are more different than "me and Melissa" (good god, grammar police). Cautions his mom, "she loves you, but she has a career, so....maybe you want to pick the one that is more 'family oriented.'" Because, you know, a woman who works AT ALL can't really be a good mom.

Because we all know the drill, the next round of dates are the "last chance" 1:1 dates with Melissa and Molly. Melissa, pre-date, is seen wearing her shos and crying on the phone to her mom (It's me, Mom. Remember me? your daughter?") about how important it is for them to at least talk to Jason on the phone. Continuing her winning streak of Appropriate Attire, she shows up in a strapless sundress for a date on the water for which Big Daddy is wearing shorts, a sweater, and a windbreaker. We secretly love that it is a flipping monsoon for this ill-timed "romantic tour of the islands," though the rain does allow Big Daddy to wrap Melissa in towels and Be Her Protector. Later that night, Big Daddy meets Melissa over at her house for a cozy dinner ON THE KITTY (it lives!). She reveals that her parents are totally willing to talk to him on the phone. How will they be during said conversation?
"The will probably be really quiet and let you do all the talking," says Melissa.
"Even if they are really really quiet, just know that they are there and keep talking." says ABe.
Yes, and if you suddenly get a buzzing noise, it's probably just a bad connection.

Big D's subsequent date with Molly is notable only for The Closest View of Ladybits Ever on The Bachelor. It is still raining and all manner of umbrella is turning inside-out as Big Daddy picks Molly up on a pier. How fortunate that she has "taken this date into her own hands," which of course means a Montage of Crotchery as she squats over Big D in her swimsuit and gives him a massage back at her place, followed by dinner. OMG, the Kitty is back AGAIN and all over her chairs. So we are a bit distracted as she tells him she loves him and "regardless of what happens," makes it known that she wants to "give all of herself" to him. Which is why she wrote him a book: "A FairyTale Love Story." Chapter 1: "The Love of My Life." And it begins, "once upon a time." Only the O is like a big heart. And also, there are tulips like this viewer drew at age 4. And even worse, the story includes "a gorgeous tomboy named Molly" who "loved to golf." And finally, it ends with "This is not the end, but the beginning." We secretly hope she doesn't get picked and finishes the book afterwards, because that would be awesome.

Big Daddy returns home to a blaze of glory. Seriously, the entire wall is ablaze with votive candles as he sits down to talk with Melissa's parents on the phone. This conversation apparently goes well, but then. . . . Double D knocks on the door! We are not surprised because we feel that we have seen this entire segment already on previews. And also, as PMu points out, Double D is not really ready for her 15 minutes of fame to be over. So Double D gives Big D a huge hug and then is all, "what's wrong?" when he acts surprised. You know, because it would totally be natural for the woman who dumped your ass on national television to fly halfway around the world to surprise you one day before you're supposed to propose to some other victim. She goes all Post Mortem on him, telling him that if she had "done what she wanted," she would have picked him. She screwed up in picking Jesse and so it didn't work, but if she had picked him, "it would have worked." (oh really). He's all, "um, thanks for the opportunity but I am falling for two other women." Which is probably the right answer, except we are all just annoyed at this whole blip. Deanna trots off in a limo and we are done.

Oh oh oh the foreshadowing: The votive candles we have lit in honor of the show are flickering, and only one flame remains.. . . . Big Daddy is conflicted. There is Molly and "Her Eyes" and that whole "Tomboy Gone Pretty" thing, and then there is sweet Melissa. Who will he pick? We feel distance from both women, who both are eating inadequate breakfasts of fruit and coffee. Girls, you are going to be hungry in 15 minutes, mark my words. But maybe ABC wants them faint and weak for the Big Reveal. All we know is that as the women get ready, Jason picks a ring that is a huge improvement on the Ugliest Ring Ever from season Double D.

So first woman out of the limo is....Molly. (we know we are skipping the big Suit Up, but we really must get to work and 3 overkilling hours of the Bachelor is time we will Never Get Back). Omg, having been saved from the ugliest ring ever, we now must suffer through the Ugliest Dress Ever on The Bachelor Finale. It is like Barney purple with a giant bejeweled cumberbund and sweeping purple toilet paper sash thingy. AND she is wearing a side pony. As she literally walks the plank towards him, we fear for her. Okay, so probably when you don't know if you are going to be dumped immimently is not the best time to say, "before you speak, let me speak." But she does, and confesses her love for him . . . and with one more reference to her tractor beam eyeballs, he dumps her. Ouch. Except her face says "you dog" and we secretly hope she channels her inner tomboy and punches him as she says he's made a big mistake. He tearfully tells her "everything was real," (WTF does that mean, seriously) and then stumble cries against the glass wall thingy of his balcony. We are unimpressed.

But here comes Melissa, in yellow and a side . . . bun? We won't question it because oh! she makes him happy! Oh, he's so in love! Will she marry him? Everybody gets down on their knees and proposes to everyone else, they jump in the pool and live happily ever after until . . . . .

PART BONUS: AFTER THE FINAL ROSE.
(which of course has been filmed without a studio audience out of 'respect' for the parties involved. And also because Jason would have been lynched.).

It has been six weeks since the finale, babies, and "things are different." Big Daddy, solo in front of Chris Harrison, tearfully claims that (shocker), once the cameras stopped rolling, the chemistry just sort of went away with Melissa, and that they are "not right for each other." They spent all the holidays together and have seen each other a lot, but "things have been completely different" and it's not her, but him. He can't stop thinking about Molly, and because the grass is always greener, wishes he would have chosen her because *surely* that was the right match. He is still in love, and plans to dump his fiance on television and "ask Molly for a shot."

Says KMu: "Hey Mol, let's have a ball."

So Melissa comes out and sits like, 2 feet away from Jason. He starts stumbling around "things not being right," and she snaps: "I thought things were perfect, but you totally baled. I don't know what happened, but SOMETHING did. You are still not being honest." Go Melissa!! Previously unimpressed, we appreciate her moxie as Big D digs himself deeper. He cries, he mambles on about how he never wanted to hurt her blah blah blah but is totally giving up after six weeks and also wants to tap the other contestant. She tells him she always viewed engagement and finding that person as a special thing, and he has taken that away from her. We cry for Melissa, but love that she doesn't cave. She hands back the ring and Big Daddy's Man Card, walks offstage, and tells the limo confessional that someday she will understand why this has happened. Team Melissa.

Big Daddy comes back onstage and pretends to cry. Chris Harrison pretends to care. And then Big Daddy exits so Molly can "take the hot seat." Okay, girls. It is NOT okay to tease your hair all the way around your face and then squish it down with an itty bitty headband one inch off your hairline. We are terrified of this look. We try to focus as Molly reveals that the week she left New Zealand was the "worst week of her life," that she cried every day, and that she wants to know when he "knew she wasn't the one" for closure. Sure, she still loves him but if he were to ask for a second chance, she would have "a lot of questions first."

Here comes Jason. Surprise, he "let Melissa go." So um, "could we go for coffee or drinks or something sometime." Ahshahaahhhahahahhahaaa. Tool. Molly is all shocked and keeps looking at Chris Harrison like "WTF" and "Are you serious" and "what about Melissa?" But somehow, this miraculously ends in a big kiss and the two running off set together. We are not quite sure what happened to all of Molly's questions.

"This Has Been A Historic Night," chimes Chris Harrison. Yes, Chris, this is totally like electing the first black president.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, babies, when we all suffer through After After the Final Rose, Jason tries to convince us all that he is not a fucktard, Molly probably chatters about her happiness, and we all vomit a little until next season, which hopefully has a bachelor that we can get excited about.

KLo