Peter Brady Part 8: Hometown Glory

 As some of you know, This Author gets up at an Unwomanly Hour to write this drivel.  We have been able to do so only because, and for 20 seasons, we have what a former colleague deemed our “Tankard” of tea awaiting us, like a steamy promise that it will All Be Over Soon.  Well, babies, we broke our Tankard a few days ago.  If one can even buy another magical Flower Pot/Cup, it is in a pottery shop an hour away from This Author’s residence.  We Are Devastated, and now must improvise:

We are calling this “frog and toad.”

So with *maybe* enough tea to last through The Horrors, we settle in to relive Our Last Hours.  

It is hometown week. As we try to remember which of the women remain, we find ourselves in Orange County for a date with Alvin and All of her Chipmunks.  Peter Brady is leaning on a cliff talking about how he’s “ended up with smart, sophisticated women.”  Gentle readers, he is “excited about this crew.”

“Did he just say CREW?” demands ABe.

And then we are all screaming because Peter Brady is wearing pedal pushers:

 We think this is the worst.thing.ever. until we see Alvin:

The BNU: “Whoaaaa”

KMu: “What what what is she wearing?”
ABe:  “Are those arm warmers?
KMU:  “What is it?”
ABe:  “Define ‘it.’”

We literally miss the entire date, which is something about playing at the beach or something, because of the armpit landing strip situation happening on Alvin.

KMu: “There is not enough tape in the world.”
ABe:  “How is she keeping her top up?”
KMu: “Are we sure she is even has a top on?”

In snippets we understand Amanda is falling in love with Ben.  We think they are having a picnic, maybe.

“I Hate that top,” concludes This Author.
ABe:  “that seems like such an understatement after what we’ve just seen.”

Soon, Amanda’s children Charlie and/or Tango Foxtrot appear. 

“Gravity is working hard to overcome whatever the hell that is.”  Says KMu as we all nervously eyeball Amanda coverage situation.  

We feel bad for the children.  No one should put their baby children on a reality television show, even if they are adorable.  But somewhere through our haze of rage and trauma over the shirt, we see Peter Brady playing with the older girl, and trying to bond with the younger one, who for good reason, wants nothing to do with him.    We think there are pigeons being chased at one point. And maybe some sand castles.  But honestly we keep forgetting to note what is happening because of that top.

Alvin drives Peter Brady to her house and/or her parents’ house, with the younger child crying as if she has been murdered / just spent all day being filmed and needs a nap like any 2 year old.  Alvin puts her chipmunk to bed, and then we proceed with a variety of 1:1 situations that may be summed up as: “Is Peter Brady ready to be a dad?”   And also, “Wow, Peter Brady is really young.”

We are mystified.  Peter Brady is at least THREE YEARS OLDER than Alvin, who has two children, so we are not sure why Alvin’s parents think he may be too young.  But the conversations are as one might expect.  Mom doesn’t want her daughter’s heart to be broken.  Peter Brady tells Dad that the relationship is “real.” 

We still are not hearing any of this because we are mesmerized by Alvin’s inability to dress herself.  

Vaguely, we become aware that she is kissing him goodbye and we are off to the next hometown date with Lauren LaurEN in Portland.  And then we see her.

“Is that a WEAVE?” demands this Author.

It is like the top of her hair is ALL of her hair, and then there is bonus hair underneath. 

KMU:  “I bet she owns the weave no one claimed from a few weeks back.”
ABe:  ‘What is it with white women and their weaves?”
This Author:  “Does it just clip on? How does this work?”

Anyway, we approach some food trucks, which makes KMu jealous.  And then we go into a giant whiskey bar.

“With Ben, and the Weave, and the Kitty,” ticks off ABe.
“And a glass duck!” says this author excitedly.
“It’s a decanter, dude,” says KMu.

We are ashamed.  It really looked like a duck.

So Peter Brady and Lauren LaurEN talk about how she is scared for him to meet her family.
Him: “What scares you?”
Her:  “I don’t know.”

And then we meet them:  Dad Dave, Mom Kristine, sister, two younger brothers, and an 18 year old dog that no one is certain even has any teeth.  Everyone looks really young.

We soon become suspicious of the sister’s intentions when she asks if she can steal Peter Brady away with a bump shimmy of her own.  Sister is like, “Why Lauren LaurEN?  She’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s funny, she has great values.  ANY guy would fall in love in love with her.  So. . .why would she stand out to you? “  Oh yes, the age old tale of Pretty People Problems.  But Peter Brady chokes up:  “Um. . .there’s something about your sister I cant put words to it.  I feel really lucky.”  And then he starts to CRY.  

Ok, so we all have a crush on Peter Brady at this point.  We blame it on the wine.  Nonetheless, we mentally put him in a coat with elbow patches.

Blah blah, in a 1:1 between Lauren LaurEN and the sister, Lauren LaurEN declares that Peter Brady is “her person.”  And that it is “crazy, insane!” and that none of us should be worried because her last relationship was less than a year ago.  

Then, in 1:1 between Lauren LaurEN and Dad, Dad says, “Your mom and I dated for years and years before we got married, so.”
KMu:  “What? They dated for YEARS?”
ABe:  “Why spend that long, when it can be weeks!!”

Dad reminds Lauren LaurEN that there are other women still in he race.  He doesn’t want his daughter to be hurt.  We love Dad.

ABC soon fires us off into the third hometown date, with Caila in Hudson, Ohio.  “There’s so much to Caila and I’s relationship.  It’s the deepest relationship I have!” says Peter Brady.  WHAT?  And also, GRAMMAR RAGE.

Caila and Peter Brady go to Caila’s high school, which is apparently significant to her because she moved so much growing up.  We are struggling to listen because we’ve determined she is wearing pleather pants. And a sweater that was chewed off in front.

“I hate that sweater, KLo.” Says ABe with some desperation.

And then, THEN we learn that Caila’s dad is the CEO of a toy company.  Gentle readers, all this time, this Author was imaging that Caila was an army kid, or the daughter of immigrant farm workers (she moved 17 times in 23 years).  But no, she is the flipping daughter of corporate america. And they are going to the factory to design their own toy house.   We are sure this will make all of the plant workers happy.

Caila and Peter Brady sit together in a design room.

Says she:  “I know your favorite color is blue.  So I think we should paint the roof blue!”

It gets worse. 

Caila:  “it’s fun to thing about one day, Peter Brady could be taking me to our house!  And we wouldn’t have to hold back!  We could make out in the kitchen, or on the front lawn!  In our toy house OR in our real house! Who knows!!”

This girl needs to stop playing house.

And then it’s Peter Brady that needs to stop because he is in awe of Caila building said house on the factory floor: “Caila, a power tool, a hard hat. .  . I never thought I’d find a factory so sexy!” 

The entire BNU groans.

“You know the other workers are like fuck this shit.” Says KMu.

Peter Brady whisks Caila out of the factory floor a la Officer and a Gentleman, and soon we are meeting her family. And then we are conflicted because we LOVE this family.  Dad is wearing orange pants and actually carrying them off.  Mom is Pilipino, wears braces, and is pretty much amazing.  Dad tells Peter Brady Not To Mess With His Daughter t is In A Nice Way, and Mom presents traditional Philipino dishes and tells Caila she needs to go for it if she believes Peter Brady is the one.  And, in 1:1 time, Peter Brady comments to Mom that “so many people say the right things in this process, but Caila says the things that are real.”  We later become worried when Mom predicts that Peter Brady loves Caila .  . . to Caila.

We try to get over our “meh” feelings for Caila in light of this.    Dad warns Caila that he hopes she is not setting herself up for a fall. Team Caila’s Dad.

 Last but not least, we are whisked off to Dallas to see Jo Jo. 

Jo Jo has chosen a “reverse corset top” for this date concludes KMu.  “Because you string up the boobs.”  Thought not as perplexing as Alvin’s Situation, we still wonder if Jo Jo is cold.  Jo Jo, meanwhile has lighted up with joy for she has walked to her home to discover (1) two dozen roses, and (2) a card waiting for her.

Jo Jo starts to read the card lovingly:  “blah blah over the last few weeks while you’ve been on this show, I’ve had time to think.”  She reads half of one page and then realizes that it is NOT from Peter Brady, but from her ex.  Chad.  Ooooo.

We are not buying this. 

First, there is no way that Jo Jo voluntarily walked anywhere in the shoes she is wearing.
Second, the roses and card look exactly like the sort of thing that would be exchanged on this show.

And then there is this: “She didn’t recognize his handwriting?” queries KMu.  “How long did they date?  A week?”

Jo Jo stalks to the kitchen, and back to the sofa, saying “No. No!” in a way that certainly would not win her an Oscar.  Then she calls “Chad” who sounds like a crapweasel on the phone.  It’s taken “this time apart” for him to “grow and mature and realize what I want as a person.” Says he.   We think back to other things Jo Jo has said and believe it has been exactly four months.   Anyway, Jo Jo and he have an unhelpful conversation (“but you didn’t while we were together,” etc), and the Peter Brady shows up.

“He looks like a puppy that is about ready to get run over by a truck,” says KMu.

 As Jo Jo starts telling Peter Brady about what happened with her ex, a switch flips on his face.  “I’ve been through that before and it did not end well for me,” says he in a voiceover.  But surprise! Jo Jo informs Peter Brady that she made a phone call to Chad in order to make the crap end.  And Peter Brady is so ridiculously sweet about the whole thing that we all fall a little in love with him.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US.

But the trauma is not over for Peter Brady because we need to go meet Jo Jo’s family.   It is nighttime when they arrive at . . . the giantest house ever.  

We meet Mom Real Housewives, dad Dr. Phil, Hot Brother, Older Brother, and sister Rachel.  Mom has had some work done.  We cannot look away. 

The family basically tells Peter Brady that if he ends up with Jo Jo, he WILL be moving to Dallas.   “Here in Dallas we have two fine men who will give you a taste of the town,” says Dad as brothers crack their knuckles.  We can’t get past Hot Brother, who is, well, Hot.  Except he knows it, which is not.

As brothers and dad menace Peter Brady, KMu is looking around the house.  Babies, it is Trashy Tuscan.  KMu is horrified.  We are mostly concerned about who killed J.R.  But we are also a little concerned for Jo Jo because Peter Brady is pretty lukewarm in response to the brothers’ questions about how he actually feels about her.  Older brother calls it later on to Jo Jo:  “My read is that you are emotionally invested, but he’s not as emotionally invested in you.”

Meanwhile, Jo Jo cries to mom about getting hurt.
Mom:  “You’re not going to get hurt, you’re beautiful.”
Mom again:  “You have to give 150% if you like him.”

KMu is again, horrified.
ABe is now snoozing on the sofa.
This Author still cannot look away from mom’s face, which is not moving with the big lips and the high cheekbones.

At some point, the entire family – except for Jo Jo – stand around in the kitchen with Peter Brady and do the “kind of post mortem that you would expect after the cameras leave,” concludes KMu.  As Hot Brother tells Peter Brady to take a step back and Older Brother basically tells Peter Brady that he is full of shit, Mom anxiously pats at her face in an apparent effort to discover whether she is crying. 

The only nice thing about this is something that we haven’t seen in any of the other dates:  At the end when Peter Brady and Jo Jo say goodbye, they talk directly to each other about how they feel, what the date was like, and take each other’s temperature.  We are still cautiously team Jo Jo even though she has idiot ex and the crazy family.

Now it is the rose ceremony.  Jo Jo is wearing red, Alvin is in a doily, Caila is all covered in flowers, and Lauren LaurEN is wearing black.  Peter Brady does a speech about how difficult the week has been and he picks. . . .

1. Lauren LaurEN
2. Caila
3. Jo Jo

Amanda looks like she is going to cut someone.  Peter Brady sits down with her, and she tells him that she wishes that if he had known, he would have cut her at home instead of flying her all the way back to LA only to cut her at a rose ceremony.  Peter Brady tells her that’s fair, and then he cries as he puts her in the limo and we all love him more DAMMIT.   Peter Brady tells the camera he would like her to know that he cared a lot, and that it meant a great deal that she trusted him enough to be with her kids, and then he cries and the whole BNU decides he’s the best bachelor ever.

Stay tuned for next week in Jamaica, where all three remaining women reveal their love and he tells two of them that he loves them too, meaning he probably doesn’t love anyone. 

KLo.

Peter Brady Part 7: Blossom

 Babies, we begin Peter Brady Part 7 feeling like this:

Lo, for we have The Plagues and Hate All The People.  It happens.

But we perk up when we see a Warsaw Community School Bus and blue grass-ish music begins to play.   Who in Indiana doesn’t listen to blue grass?
“You guys don’t listen to blue grass?” says KMu, incredulously to ABe and This Author.
It’s ok, for we know she listens to Eminem because she is from Michigan.
And also, we secretly love the blue grass.

Peter Brady drives up in an old Chevy.  Babies, they are making him drive around in An Old Timey Vehicle because that is what everyone in Indiana drives. He re-describes where he had his first job and his first kiss, and we become bored.  And then:  we discover we are going to meet his parents.  At a café with a sign that says “We don’t have wifi; talk to each other.”

We. Love. Peter Brady’s. Parents.  Says KMu, for all of us:  “I love that Peter Brady’s mother didn’t get dressed up special for this, and looks normal.”
Says ABe: “Peter Brady’s dad is a hotty.  Let’s make dad the bachelor.”
They want to know all about the six remaining women.  Peter Brady describes them:  Everybody is beautiful, unique, blah blah. 
ABe doesn’t care:  “Team dad.  Yum.my.”

The women, meanwhile, are doing what everyone does in Warsaw:   They frolick in the park and throw leaves at each other while attired in midriff bearing shirts and high heels.  And then they walk out on a pier as Jo Jo uses the Grammar Of Their People:  “I’m feeling really confident about him and I.”  GAH. 

Peter Brady soon picks them up on a pontoon boat on WINONA lake, ya’ll, and takes them to a rental house two doors down from his parents.  Hemingway is thrilled; “I feel just like I’m part of the community.”
KMu wants to know:  “How many hotel rooms have you rented and been like, ‘now I feel like I am part of the community?!?’”

After Peter Brady tells Lauren LaurEN that they are going on a date, the other women are traumatized.  Gentle readers, it feels somehow *more* intimate because they have witnessed him ask someone directly, rather than via a date card.

This date is so . . . youth pastor Winona Lake Warsaw.  Peter Brady makes Lauren LaurEN drive around with him in his Old Timey vehicle.  They go past his high school where he reveals he was the quarterback.  They go past his megachurch.  They go past his movie theater where he AGAIN tells the story of his first kiss.  We are only slightly surprised that they do not go past some gay people and pray for their souls.

Instead, they go to the Baker Youth Center, where Peter Brady worked for four years.  On the one hand, we think its lovely that he worked with kids and is clearly good with them.  On the other hand, we are horrified that ABC schmaltzes these kids up to the camera while their parents are not around. And in particular, the special needs volunteer, RSHu, who makes a legitimately impressive half court basket multiple times.

The highlights:  Lauren LaurEN nearly loses her pants jumping rope. We learn she played basketball as a child (so, a few years ago).  They run drills.  Peter Brady comforts a crying child.
“I’ve never seen anyone with kids like that,” says Lauren LaurEN.
“Even like, parents.” Says ABe.

Blah blah they kiss some more.
“If I had a nickel for every time I made out at the youth club . . .” says KMu.
“I’d have to think about that.  I might have some nickels.” Says this Author.

This date ends like the last 30 pages of a romance novel.   Lauren LaurEN and Peter Brady confront the rumors started about Lauren LaurEN by Leah the prior week.  They realize that it was just all a big misunderstanding, and he tells her that he trusts her.   They end the night at Peter Brady’s favorite bar, “Rex’s Rendezvous.”    Lauren LaurEN confesses to the camera that she loves Peter Brady.

More interestingly, Jo Jo has received the next date card:  “Let’s find love in the windy city.” 
ABe is confused:  “But, I thought they were part of the community.”

We, however, are content because Jo Jo is now our favorite.  Or to be more precise, her joke about pigs in the Dallas bar has canceled out her failure to wear clothes on her prior 1:1, and so we now feel neutral about her.

We at the BNU lose are damn minds when we see Peter Brady, however.  He is wearing super skinny jeans.  Or are they super skinny stretch pants?  We go back and forth between these two terrible, hipster options for the remainder of this date.  Meanwhile, other pants are also making headlines.  Jo Jo leaps from the limo in what surely must be Painted on Items to give Peter Brady the dreaded “monkey clip hug.”

ABe:  “Ugh, he wants to get in her pants.”
KMu:  “ I don’t think that she can get anything else in those pants.”

They go to Wrigley field, and we still hate his pants.  Sweatpants? Jeans? They decide to hit a few balls and run a few bases.  To assist them, the spirits of baseball have given them matching jerseys that say “Mr. Higgins” and Mrs. Higgins.”   We secretly wish Jo Jo would tell Mr. Higgins that she is planning to keep her own name. 

Afterwards, Jo Jo and Peter Brady lay in the grass and talk about their feelings, and then he shows her the scoreboard:
Jo Jo:  “Oooo, what’s this?”
Peter Brady:  “It’s the scoreboard!”
KMu:  “Oh my god, you guys.”

Peter Brady and Jo Jo return to a dinner in the middle of the field.  It looks like it is very cold and windy, as Jo Jo is now wearing a shirt.   We don’t care because we are consumed with trying to determine whether Peter Brady is wearing an Elbow Patch on his jacket. If he is, we will forgive him his pants.

He is not.

The takeaways from this conversation are that Jo Jo is holding back a little because she doesn’t feel completely safe falling head over heels on national television.  Or maybe it’s because she’s been burned in the past.  And then she explains that she is scared and nervous.  And Peter Brady is very endearing and straight to the point.  We love Peter Brady. What is happening to us? 

In conclusion:

Jo Jo:  So don’t doubt me, because I’m team Peter Brady, and I’m not going anywhere.”
KMu: “Well, he DOES like her.”
This Author: “Yeah, she does look kind of normal once she puts some clothes on.”
KMu:  “Shout out to mother nature, yo.”

While all of this is happening, Caila, Alvin, Hemingway, and Emily talk about how it is getting “harder and harder” to watch Peter Brady go on dates.  We don’t care because Emily is wearing a shredded t-shirt.  We wonder if we could make a living by selling shredded t-shirts to 23 year old women in Vegas.  And then we remember that we Hate All the People, and so the answer is no.

Off we go to the group date at Marian Hills Farm.  We have actually never been to this slice of Indiana, and are impressed with ABC.  And then we realize it is in Fort Wayne because apparently, Warsaw does not supply any more entertainment than one date.

ABe, KMu, and this Author make up our own local date, a la ABC:  The couple go to Laura Ashley to buy a dress with big shoulder pads to wear for the remainder of the evening, followed by dinner at Das Essenhaus and a wholesome musical theater show in Shipshewana.  Now that, gentle readers, we would write about.

Instead, Alvin talks a lot about her feelings somewhere in this segment, but we don’t hear any of it because ABe has figured out Alvin’s perfect pitch and is now talking like her, which basically translates to a steady chirp.  While this chirping is happening, everyone awkwardly gets into row boats on the lake, and then tries to fly kites in high heels.  Finally, they end the day sitting on some wicker furniture covered in quilts in the middle of a barn.  We would make fun of this except this Author May or May Not be covered with a quilt at this very moment.  

In various 1:1 time on some hay bales, the following happens:
Alvin:  “I look at you and wonder why someone like you would be interested in me?”
Caila (crying):  I don’t have super deep roots anywhere.  I moved 17 times before college.  I am moss that can grow in any direction.  Just tell me how to grow.”
Hemingway:  “At a minimum, I deserve someone who is nuts about me.”
Hemingway is toast.

Peter Brady gives the rose to Alvin, leaving Caila and Hemingway to sit in stunned silence in the barn, and then in a limo looking out opposite windows.  Later on, there are substantial tears, Hemingway because she has gotten “nothing, NOTHING from Peter Brady,” and Caila because she doesn’t have a community like Peter Brady.”

“What is it that I need to change about myself so that he’ll fall in love with me?” cries ABe.

Meanwhile the date between Alvin and Peter Brady continues.   As we are trying to discern where in Warsaw and/or Fort Wayne this date has continued, the following happens:

This Author:  “Wherever he has taken her, they have tried to make look hip.”
Peter Brady:  “And here we are, at McDonalds!”
KMu:  “You want to take that back now, KLo?”

We cannot believe that Peter Brady is taking the mom of two small children to McDonalds for their date.  But he has, and after a healthy dinner of burgers and fries, they play act like they work for minimum wage at the drive through.  We are horrified.

And then he has ANOTHER “surprise” for her.
“What better surprise could it be?”  queries KMu.  “Ronald McDonald around the corner?  The HamBurgler?”

It. Is. A. Carnival.   With an introduction from the Mayor of Warsaw.

They ride the rides.  They play on the carousel, sitting on those creepy ponies.   They beat each other up with balloons.  “You really saw Warsaw now!” declares Peter Brady.

We have no words.

The next morning, Lauren LaurEN and Alvin are talking about their dates.  The more interesting bit of this is that Peter Brady is picking Emily up for hers.

Ok, so this Author loves Emily, but she is really. Really. Young.  “Wait, don’t laugh, but are those swans?!?!” she says as she lunges over the side of the pontoon boat.  Peter Brady lectures that when they touch noses, their necks form a heart, just in case none of us have ever seen an ice carving at a wedding.   Or a movie about a wedding.  Ever.

 Peter Brady has some questions about whether Emily is ready for marriage, and so he has decided to take her to meet his parents. She has chosen to wear . . . babies, we cannot show you for there is Server Rage and we are unable to post photos from our phone.  Suffice to say it is "shredded." 

After some rather enthusiastic hellos, Peter Brady’s mother takes Emily off for some 1:1 time.  This is what follows:  “I am one of the youngest at the house, at 23, and I still have a lot of growing to do, but I did not know I could blossom into this woman that I am.  I am really ready to get married.  And I have so many hopes and aspirations.  Like, one of my aspirations is to be an NFL cheerleader.  I could do that in Colorado!” 

Peter Brady’s mother begins to look concerned. 

Emily continues:  “I want to be a young wife!!”

The smile of Peter Brady's mother falters. 

After she tells Peter Brady’s father that her favorite thing to do is sit and watch movies all day and her least favorite thing is vegetables, Emily concludes that she has Knocked It Out of the Park.   Peter Brady’s mother gently advises Peter Brady that Emily seems “a little young” and asks how interested Emily is in finding out about Peter Brady’s aspirations and goals, versus exploring her own.

And then Peter Brady’s mother begins to cry, and we know that woman’s tears are not because she is overcome with love, but with Cold Hard Fear.

Peter Brady takes Emily back to the pier where he once picked her up, and he dumps her.  We feel terrible for Emily because we actually think she will be a lovely partner in about five years and just has some growing to do.  Proving our point, she tells Peter Brady that she had hoped to show him what she sees between them on this date, and is sorry that she couldn’t.  And then she tells the camera that while this is painful, she is thankful for the opportunity to have met someone so great.

Now it is the rose ceremony, which is apparently happening on the courthouse steps in Warsaw.   We are so confused.  Unceremoniously, Peter Brady picks (to join Alvin with roses):

1. Lauren LaurEN
2. Jo Jo
3. Caila. 

Hemingway goes home.  We feel sad for her, as she tells Peter Brady that she had hoped he was not going to blindside her, but now he has done it.  And he apologizes, saying he could not come up with a way around that, but he wanted to let her go now before families got involved, since he was not sure about her.  Hemingway thanks him, and drives off.  Le Sigh.   

Stay tuned for next week, when Hometown Dates result in a great deal of tears. Oooo.

Peace,

KLo

Peter Brady Part 6: Better than a Bar in Dallas

Babies, we are very sorry for the time delay, but we are pretty sure that no one wanted This Author to die a fiery death amidst the Snow and Trauma this morning, racing back from The Big City at the very buttcrack of Dawn to write this Love Letter to you all.   But here we are and let us commence with the love.

Where we last left off, we were at the Rose Ceremony, and Peter Brady had dramatically pulled Olivia away so that she could Dance For Her Life.  We rejoin you with renewed perspective on this show.  Lo, for we have migrated to The Big City for the evening, where we have prepared ourselves for the Bachelor by sitting through cartoons with our two year old niecelet.  And just in case we are all wondering why The Bachelor strikes such a primal, familiar chord with so many Fine Young Women today, behold:

The women are filled with anxiety, wondering if now will be the moment that Olivia might get voted out of Fairy Hollow!

Meanwhile, Olivia continues dancing for her life.

“What are you thinking about?” asks Peter Brady.

“Well, from the beginning there was a target on my back and I felt like people hated me for it.  But like, people here are really into doing their hair and nails.  And like, I am different.” Says Olivia.
She continues: “I like reading books.  And I want to talk, like, smart things.”

“Is our children learning?” whispers KMu, across the miles.

As Olivia whispers about how she is Beyonce and can Handle It because she knows she will be with him, Peter Brady falls for her and lets her return with her rose (which we had previously forgotten that he gave her last week, for we have Slept Since Then).

The Girl Collective suck in their teeth as Peter Brady leads Olivia back to the group and then reminds them that he “enjoys and appreciates each one of you, and you are all different.”   Someone whispers to Olivia, “what just happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she says back, crying gently.

And then to the camera:  “Let’s get this started.  They all thought I was leaving but they can COME AT ME, BRO.  I’m not goin’ anywhere.  People can suck it.”

And so we start the rose ceremony. 

Joining Olivia, the Dern, and Alvin with roses will be:

1. Caila
2.  Lauren LaurEN
3. Jo Jo
4. Hemingway
5. Leah, aaaaaand
6. Emily. 

Jennifer, whom we barely knew, gets the axe because of course she does.  She is normal. 

Alvin and all of the chipmunks are sad because Jennifer is “great.”  But Olivia, Gentle Readers, is “looking forward to the day where Ben Higgins is my husband” because “Ben and I’s love is so much stronger.”

But there is no time to be sad, babies, because we are GOING TO THE BAHAMAS!!  Soon we are whisked off to this tropical paradise where, after the requisite tour of the hotel and a drink to “continuing this journey” (courtesy of Olivia), Chris Harrison reminds us all that he exists by coming unannounced to reveal some Critical Information:

There will be one 1:1 date, one group date, and . . . the dreaded 2:1 date this week.

Leah becomes upset when Caila receives the 1:1 date card (“Let’s sea if our love is reel.”) because she wants 1:1 time, and she wants it now.  We are weary about all of what follows.

Caila and Peter Brady go deep sea fishing, which means that they basically hang out in a boat while he pinches her thigh.  Leah, back at home, is laying prostrate in the bathroom as she cries to the Dern about how unfair this all is as the Dern tries to comfort her.

Babies, Peter Brady and Leah, like, live 10 minutes from each other and, like, could have met at a bar in a previous life.   But they did not.  So now we must continue with more shots of Caila in her “denim underpants,” as our friend LGe terms them.

Gentle Readers, could Caila be Too Perfect for The Brady?”
“She is sexy and beautiful and smart,” muses he.  “But she is SO joyful, I wonder if I am going to be able to get below the surface.”
This Author’s sister, SHa:  “HAHAHHA.”

So he digs deeper while at dinner:

“So . . .I noticed you smile a lot.  But I want someone who will cry with me.  Would you?”
This Author’s mind:  “Is this really happening???”
Caila:  “Well, I feel bad because I don’t feel like, 100% ready to cry on your shoulder.  But, I feel like I love you, . . . I don’t know.  My greatest fear is that I can’t totally fall in love with somebody.”

Her Greatest Fear, Babies. GREATEST. FEAR.  

In this very moment, this Author’s Greatest Fear is this:

But more on that later.

ANYWAY, then this happens:

Peter Brady:  “Do you feel like you are ready to find someone?”
Caila:  “I feel like I am.” 
Caila Again:  “I feel like I am falling in love because I feel understood.”
ABe, via enraged text:  “WHAT THE F* DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?”

We don’t understand it, but she gets the rose. “It’s almost attractive that Caila is confusing,” says Peter Brady.

Sigh.

And then they kiss. . . and it is like “a gay man in a musical theater show,” concludes SHa.

Off we go to date #2, which is the group date advertised as “chilling on a boat.”  Hemingway is still on edge:  “The card said ‘love is unpredictable.  Do you know what else is unpredictable?  SHARKS.” 

But it is not sharks, babies.  It is something worse.  It is Pigs. In. The Water.  And they are going feed them chicken dogs.  KMu, for All Of Us: “Wait, so they didn’t guess that they were going to be feeding chicken to water pigs?  This might be my favorite date ever.”

Hemingway throws herself into being Pig Provider. 

But Jo Jo speaks the mind of All Women:  “This is like a bar in Dallas. Pigs Everywhere.”

But all is not happy in Pig Paradise.  The Dern, holding a piglet, announces that “This is pretty crappy.  I quit my job to come here and Peter Brady is off obsessing about Lauren LaurEN. “   Jo Jo explains, “most of us back at home don’t have these struggles.  But now we have to fight for his attention.” 

Well. Jo Jo has had a bit different experience than this Author.

 Blah Blah this date does not become more interesting.  Leah, who  has caught herself a chest full of dead fish with her net swimsuit, cries to Peter Brady about not getting 1:1 time with him.  And then she cries to Dern that she didn’t even get to tell him: “You don’t know how awesome I am!!!”  These are surely the words that every young swain longs to hear.

In the evening part of this date, Leah continues to cry as Peter Brady has 1:1 time with Hemingway (in a leather skirt and lace panties as a top) and Alvin and all of her chipmunks, to whom Peter Brady says: “the girl that I was with tonight, was the girl I like.  I need you to be that girl.”   Yeah, Alvin, be THAT girl, not the other one.

But then Lean squares her shoulders and goes in for the fight.  In 1:1 time with Peter Brady, she says “yo, there are women here that I don’t think are here for the right reasons (everybody drink).  And I don’t want to name names, BUT (drink drink). .. Lauren LaurEN.”  Who then awkwardly appears to interrupt.  So naturally, Peter Brady pours this out to Lauren LaurEN, because that never makes things worse.  And then Lauren LauREN is upset, and decides to talk about it with the group.

Leah:  “What?  Someone like, used your name?  I would never do that. . .  I would never say anything. . . “

We hate her.

At least she doesn’t get the group date rose, which goes to Alvin and her chipmunks.

And then, we kid you not, this happens:

Finally, it is the 2:1 date, with its usual card : “Two women, one rose.  One stays, one goes.”  And it is for Olivia, and Emily.  Oooooo.   As Olivia talks about how she is so mature she is practically Emily’s mother (because they are both 23 and um, yeah), ABC interrupts our programming for some drama back at home.

Babies, Leah has snuck into Peter Brady’s house to “make sure that he doesn’t end up with Lauren LaurEN.”  As Peter Brady sits with her on the couch, she uses her time wisely to talk about the qualities she can bring to this relationship:  “I just think that certain people in the house could have handled things differently and I don’t want to say bad things about Lauren LaurEN but. . . there are situations with Lauren LuarEN that she doesn’t care as much as she acts like she does.”

And then Peter Brady raises in our esteem by concluding that “the more Leah talks, the more there is a disconnect between us.”  Aaaand. . . .  HE DUMPS HER. 

Leah tearfully complains, “He didn’t have any idea who I am.”  Oh Leah, I think  he had a fair idea.

We return to our programming with Olivia, who is feeling “giddy because of my 1:1  . . . or almost 1:1.  We are writing our own love story!” 

We don’t care because she is wearing a crochet top and it is horrible.  Or at least, we think it is horrible until we see what Emily is wearing:

“Chicks and Ducks and Geese better scurry.  When I take you out in my surrey.  When I take you out in my surrey with the friiiiiinge on top,” sings this Author.

It is horribly windy out on this date, with the waves splashing violently and the terribleness of a brewing storm.   As Emily tries desperately to keep her hair out of her face, Olivia continues with the excellent grammar she learned in broadcasting school: “Ben and I’s love is all consuming.  It is an ever present, all consuming kind of love.”

As Peter Brady takes Olivia up island for a private chat, Emily becomes teary because he is carrying the rose.  Uh oh.  Is it curtains for Emily? 

Olivia:  “ I am very in tuned with my body.  I just really know who I am.  I like news and politics.  Intellectual things are just my jam.  I’ve come to a lot of really amazing realizations lately like, um, from the moment I met you I knew it was written . . . and I love you.” 

Babies, we don't know about Olivia, but we DO know that the following will now be on this Author’s Workplace Door until the Grown Ups make us take it down:   “Intellectual things are just my jam.”

We become even more worried when, during 1:1 time with Emily, Peter Brady says, “ soooo. . . you seem like you’ve grown a lot.  Can I walk you back?”
Sha : Well, she will be dumped.”

But babies, he doesn’t dump her.  INSTEAD, he dumps OLIVIA.  And then he leaves her by a geiser. 

YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.   Although in fairness, we suspected it would happen at one point because our husband told us that Olivia was like a saying in The Frenches:  “She farts higher than her ass.”

We are ecstatic that Emily lives to fight another day over Olivia.

But Peter Brady.  Oh oh oh, he is on a cliff, and he doesn’t know what to do.

We are now at yet another cocktail party.  Jo Jo is suddenly worried she is going home, as The Harrison announces that Peter Brady has canceled the cocktail party For One and All.   Everyone begins to cry.  We think it is because no one wants to grow up and learn how to do their own taxes and fix the toilet and so forth.

In any event, to join Caila, Emily, and Alvin with roses, Peter Brady picks:

1. Hemingway
2. Jo Jo, and . .
3. Lauren LaurEN.

Ooooo, the Dern goes home.  We are unsurprised, as she looked like the nurse fairy and the nurse fairy never finds true love in the cartoons because her nose is a little too big and that is what matters in the end.  At least, that is what we are teaching our kids. 

Stay tuned for next week, when there are a lot of tears and everyone says they love each other and Peter Brady. 

Peter Brady Part TIme Delay

Babies,  This Author has to drive back from The Big City in the Snows of Terribleness and then perform Work Items. So, there will be a time delay. 

Peter Brady Part 5: Tacos.

Gentle readers, we began this morning with what our husband calls our “news of the day,” PeoplE (said just that way). In which we learn that Crazy Eyes from season McConaughy, The Big Fedetowski, AND La Ca from that season with the Prince of Bolognese are all pregnant with their first children.  What.  WHAT.   On one level, we are not surprised because all of them are old enough to give birth to the current children on the show.   On another level:  WHAT.  We shall apparently learn more on February 14, when ABC airs some sort of special about 20 Seasons of Love.

And then it hits us: We have been writing about this show for 20 seasons.  TWENTY SEASONS.  We feel old. 

Here we are in Mexico City, the “political and cultural capital of Mexico,” Peter Brady advises us.  He’s excited to be in the City.  The women are excited to fly coach to the Hotel Amanda, of which ABC shows too much in an awkward “this entire set is product placement” advertisement.  More interestingly, one of these women saw a hot pink long sleeve crop top in Macy’s and said “I think I’ll wear that today.”   And Olivia, who We Do Not Like (None of Us), is “convinced” that she and Peter Brady have a “love language reserved for us.” 

Date Card #1 comes for Alvin and All her Chipmunks:  “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket.”  We cringe because we know this is going to mean hearing her voice.  A lot.  We cringe again when Olivia advises us that she is surprised because Alvin (*knowing look*) “DOES have children.”

We hate her.

So Peter Brady thinks it will be fun to begin this date by jolting everyone awake with a flashlight at 4:20 a.m. to “see the girls in their element.” Homeslice wouldn’t wake this Author up because we’d be up already, blogging about his sorry ass.  But the Dern is horrified, even though she is not the least terrifying woman without her makeup on.  “It’s ok, I sleep with a retainer too,” says Peter Brady.

And then he asks our favorite question in all of Season Peter Brady:  “Whose weave is this?”

No one owns it.

Alvin and all of her Chipmunks wakes up immediately and like a Disney Princess. We chalk the instant wake up to having two children under age 4 and strongly suspect she could go from a dead sleep to slicing grapes in 2 seconds.  The Disney Princess we suspect is because production warned her.

However, we cannot explain Alvin’s choice of top, which is like a wrapped towel and two arm floaties.   We don’t understand this top.  And, we become increasingly irritated by it as she and Peter Brady cozy up in a giant car on their way to a hot air balloon. Babies, she is going to drift topless over various Ancient Cities and Pyramids and all she can say is “I feel really lucky that you picked me” as he smells her hair.

But it gets more awkward:   Peter Brady literally lays Alvin down in a field and continues playing with her hair. 

Peter Brady:  “I just want to see who you are.”
ABe:  “He just wants to bang her.”

Alvin says something soft about being nervous to tell him about her marriage, which was “not good,” and we simultaneously feel sorry for her and also, irritated at the whole Delicate Kitten thing.   But then she destroys all of our feelings of charitability by wearing this to dinner:

We wore this outfit once.
As a DOLL in the NUTCRACKER.

But then our heart grows three sizes because Alvin tells Peter Brady, without tears or drama, that she was married to the father of her two children, but that he did not want to be married particularly, and so always had priorities other than her and the girl.  He was not nice to her, and then, when she was pregnant with baby #2, she learned that he was basically Josh Duggar.  And there was a time when she was embarrassed about all of this, because she tried and failed at this relationship, but she is past that now. 

Well.

Peter Brady simultaneously pees in a circle around Alvin (“She deserves love.  I am privileged to be the one to show her love.  How some guy let Alvin walk out of his life, I don’t get”) and also humble brags (“It doesn’t quite make sense that someone like you, would be sitting with someone like me [who holds your fate in my hands, lowly contestant that is only here because of my choices].”).  

She gets the rose, and we suddenly feel very tired.

While this is happening, another date card has come from the women back at Hotel Product Placement.  “como se dice this way to a man’s heart,” it reads.  And it is for Jubilee, Hemingway, Jo Jo, Caila, Beast Emily, Lauren LaurEN, Jennifer, Leah, aaaand Olivia.   The Dern is thrilled because this means she gets the next 1:1 date:

The Dern: “I can’t believe I get to like, experience Mexico, and like, be with him, and experience him.”
Olivia:  “Ugh. I am happy for The Dern, but Peter Brady is mine.  It’s not even like a want, anymore.  IT’S A NEED.”

Peter Brady reads a Spanish/English dictionary as he waits for the women on a curbside because that is certainly a safe way to present yourself in Mexico City.   As the women approach, we try to understand why Hemingway has chosen to wear a floral couch on this date.  Meanwhile, ABe dives for something to cover her head because Jubilee begins to express grouchiness at having to go on a group date and We All Know From Previews that this is the episode in which Jubilee Melts Down. 

Jubilee:  “I don’t like competing with other women for Peter Brady.”
ABe:  “Have you ever even watched this show?”

The group date starts in Spanish class.  Jo Jo is confused:  “I thought that we were cooking or eating.” That will happen at some point, gentle readers, but first they must all learn how to say romantical things to each other in Spanish, taught by what is no doubt an impoverished adjunct faculty member at some university that has forced him to teach a class on a Saturday by reminding him of his complete lack of job security.

Adjunct Faculty Member soldiers on:  “Te Amo.”
Girl Collective:  “Te Amo.”
Adjunct Faculty Member:  “Si usted recibe este mensaje, que me ayude.” 
Just kidding.

At any rate, the women line up to practice saying sweet nothings in espanol to Peter Brady, but Jubilee gives him shade. 
Peter Brady: “Te amo.”
Jubilee: “You already said that to 4 women, so.”

This author pulls her sweatshirt over her head.

Olivia, of course, “knows Spanish.” We wonder if she “knows Spanish” like this Author knows French:  badly, and mainly one dirty word.   But she tells Peter Brady that she is the mujer for him and then crows to the camera that she can feel the “ElectriciTAY” when they speak.

Up next. . . a short walk to a restaurant, where the group is going to cook Mexican food together under the tutelage of brother-sister chefs.   Olivia breaks it down for us:

 Olivia:  “So we get a taste of Mexico in the Spanish language, and now we are getting a taste of Mexico through our stomachs, is what I am thinking.” 
ABe:  “this is why you can’t take a 23 year old seriously,”
ABe again:  “I hate this show.  You are so mean for making me watch this.”

So it’s a cook off, in which the women must pair up, shop for ingredients in Spanish, and then cook various aspects of a meal for the chefs to taste.   Peter Brady is excited because he loves to cook, reminding us that he is probably Not A Fuckwit in real life.  Unfortunately, he pairs up with Olivia, who is over confident:  “If we have 1:1 time, it’s going to solidify everything.  I’m Olivia.  I’m back.  Whoaw!”

Jubilee sulks over this news, and ABe expresses the anxiety of having all people of color condensed into a single person on a television show, and then discounted by the show by making them appear crazy. We feel bad for Jubilee, who, while having her entire family die, being adopted out of an orphanage at age 6 and serving two tours in Afghanistan all by the age of 24, has still found time to learn how to play the cello and cook a mean streak, and yet has so many levels of PTSD that she is basically defeating herself on this show.  

Blah Blah Olivia feeds Peter Brady as they shop, to the horror of the other contestants.  Peter Brady is oblivious, so delighted is he to be cooking:
Him:  “I am no longer the bachelor.  I’m the spatchelor.” 
ABe:  “That was terrible.  Negative points for that.”

At last it is the taste test.  The chefs bravely sit down and advise the women of a Mexican saying:  “When a woman is ready to get married, she knows how to cook.”  We secretly think that if the same was true of men, we would truly have a Bachelor Nation.

The chefs try ceviche, stuffed peppers, and then tacos made by Jo Jo:
“Ben already tasted my tacos,” she says.  “He loved them.”
We have no words.  

 Olivia, in a horrifying yet wholly unsurprising move, manages to disrespect a culture and its people with her description of her dish:  “Peter Brady and I made a duck sandwich.  I put crickets on it because people here love crickets.”  Thank you, Olivia. 

Team Jubilee and Lauren LaurEN knock it out of the park, with a dish so good that the chefs declare I should be in the restaurant.  Jubilee reveals that she loves to cook, but is still sulking in a corner.

The sulking only continues at the drinks-after-cooking part of this date.  Jubilee wants to beat Olivia to 1:1 time with Peter Brady but does not.   As Olivia wants to “reconnect” with Peter Brady and declares that he “gives me everything I need,” Jubilee sinks further into a brown study.   Then, when Emily, Hemingway, and Jennifer (who we do not know) take time with him, she becomes even more salty.

The last straw is Peter Brady’s time with Lauren LaurEN, who has chosen to wear a white midriff bearing top and long white skirt on this date.

KMu, who has emerged from the bar fight that was putting her children to bed, speaks the truth:
That skirt is completely see-through.  You can see her ass.  And not just the shape of it.”

We hand KMu a post-bar fight wine.  And a cookie.  And then we all stare in horror as Peter Brady takes Lauren LaurEN to a street corner and they kiss forever. 

 “Thank you,” says Lauren LaurEN.
“No, thank YOU” says Peter Brady.
Blech.

And then, it is curtains for Jubilee. As Peter Brady finally tries to have some time with her, she refuses to hold hands “because I don’t want to make anyone [of the other women] feel awkward.”  She then begins what has become an exhausting litany of her insecurities:   (1) “do you remember me?” (2) “do you remember our times together?” (3) “I don’t know how to compete with all the Jo Jos and Laurens and Beccas.” Blahdy blah

KMu:  “Notice that they are all plural, right?”

Peter Brady tells Jubilee that he used to feel like he had something with her, but now he I not confident.  He tells her that she is pulling away from him.  Jubilee unhelpfully tells him that she doesn’t want him to feel like she is pulling back and begs him not to “give up on me.”  And then it is her death knell:

Peter Brady:  “Do you feel like there could still be something between us.” 
Jubilee punts:  “I just want YOU to tell ME that there is something.”
This Author:  “GAH GAH GAH GAH.”
Peter Brady:  “I do not.”  

As ABe begs Jubilee to make a classy exit, she does.  And then Jubilee cries in the corner, and Peter Brady cries in the stairwell and this Author cries for what could have been but for the fact that, as ABe observes, “She got in her own way.”

We rage against ABC for attracting damaged women.  But then we become distracted. 
KMu:  “Wait, did that hotel sign say ‘Hotel Downtown Mexico?’ Is that really where they are right now?”
KMu (now singing) : “Welcome to the Hotel Downtown Mexicooooo.”

This observation takes place over top of the Girl Collective wondering where Jubilee is and why she has been gone for so long with Peter Brady and blahdy blah.
ABe:  “God, I can’t stand it when they discuss stupid petty shit.”
KMu:  “Respectfully, that is the whole show.”

So Peter Brady eventually comes back into the room and tries to tell the women about letting Jubilee go, but Jo Jo interrupts him and steals him away.  This has to be the first season in which a bachelor has been interrupted so repeatedly and aggressively when telling Hard Items.  We grow annoyed at Jo Jo, who tells him about how he handled the whole Jubilee thing “so respectfully” and then reassures him that he only has “10 more to go” when he tells her he is done breaking up with people.

KMu, for All of Us: “Everything about that felt manipulative.  Let me steal you away.  Let me tell you how awesome you are.  Tell you there aren’t many more.”

This group date ends terribly, with OLIVIA getting the rose.

No.  No. NO NO NO.

Before we even have time to process this reality, we are off to Date #3 with The Dern.  She is wearing tiny shorts and a tuxedo shirt (short in the front, long in the back).
KMu tries to look on the bright side about the Dern: “She’s not the most objectionable of the women.  Which is sort of like saying she’s the tallest midget, but still.”

They go shopping and meet a designer who tells them “all of our designs are inspired by nature” as he shows butterflies and dew drop designs. 
We imagine Lady Gaga’s meat dress.

Surprise, The Dern and Peter Brady are going to continue this date by going to a fashion show.   In which they also will be walking. The Dern is freaking out:  “I’m a kindergarten teacher.  The only walking I do is walking my kids out to recess.”  Ha ha.   But neither she nor Peter Brady fall, even though we think he is terribly dressed in a giant nipple shirt.

At dinner, The Dern tells Peter Brady that she felt like he handled the Jubilee departure “so admirably,” and then reveals that, like Alvin and all her Chipmunk, The Dern also had a boyfriend of 4 years who cheated on her. But after being sad for awhile, she decided that she could either “be the victim or to be happy.  And I choose to be happy.”  She is now ready to “open up and let someone in.”

ABe:  Don’t ever use that phrase on this show.”
KMu:  “Tallest midget, but I like her.”

She gets the rose.   As this date fades to black, The Dern and Peter Brady make out on the street beside a street musician playing the harp.

Back at the house, Olivia is painting her nails and declaring that she is not threatened by anyone because we all don’t remember her freaking out about feeling threatened last week.  But suddenly we don’t care because we all see Emily.

Simultaneously:
KMu:  “Wait so, she was cold, so she puts socks on. That makes sense.”
ABe:  “She’s like, “gee I don’t know why I am cold.  I need a flannel shirt . . . and some socks.”

Dance off Pants off Emily is describing her Very Good Idea to Jennifer: “I think that Peter Brady DESERVES to know that Olivia is making me feel uncomfortable.”  Absolutely, Emily.  He deserves to know that.

At last it is the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, to which Jo Jo is wearing this:

“That dress actually makes me angry,” says ABe.  “Just when it ends . . . it begins again.” 

“It is like scotch tape over her unmentionables,” concludes KMu.

Meanwhile, Olivia is in fine form: “Screw being insecure.   I got the group date rose.  Reporting live from Mexico city, I am falling for ben.”

We are already tired of Olivia.  And also of Jo Jo, who exacts a promise from Peter Brady that he will always keep her informed of his feelings.  AND of Lauren LaurEN who reveals that she “really, REALLY likes” Peter Brady.   

And then all of us rise up in defense of Alvin, who expresses anxiety that her ex is supposed to be watching her kids, but she is not confident that the responsibility is not simply falling to her mother.

“I feel like this is an episode of Teen Mom.” Says Olivia.

We gasp.   Alvin and Emily are both stunned into silence. 

Olivia then fakely tears up:  “I am learning a lot about myself out here.  I’m sorry.  I’m really going to try harder.”  What? And also, WHAT?

In any event, Emily decides to take it upon herself to tell Peter Brady about Olivia’s meanness, because she really is the victim here.   This show, gentle readers, “really makes you dig down deep and figure out who the f—you are, in a good way.”  Says she.   So she cries to Peter Brady, which makes Peter Brady question whether he is actually seeing the true Olivia.   He tries to assess this further in 1: 1 time with Olivia (who has since stalked him because she is concerned that Emily will tell him bad things about her).

. . . AND this episode ends on a cliffhanger, in which Peter Brady tells Olivia  he wants to talk to her one more time before the rose ceremony begins.

Our friend BMa, who has been expressing outrage throughout Peter Brady Part 5 via The Textos, Speaks the Truth for All of Us:  “I sat through this shit and I want someone to go home, I deserve that.”

But we must all wait, gentle readers, until next week. 

Love,

-KLo