BNU Part End Times: Two Tears in a Bucket, Mother Phuket

Gentle Readers, we fell out of the car at KMu’s house braless, sweat-panted, in black dress socks and beige house slippers with (we suspect) bits of food stuck on the bottom, and immediately crossed paths with two smug marrieds power-walking a baby stroller.  So, this is How It Ends.

“I pray to God I’m not making a huge mistake” says Jo Jo, for All Of us.

This is the three hour extravaganza in which Chris Harrison reveals that Jo Jo makes the “same tragic mistake” previously made by Peter Moriarty Brady: telling both of his final two that he loves them.  Except, and maybe we weren’t listening, but [spoiler alert] we have no memory of that happening with Jo Jo.

At any rate, here are Peter Moriarty Brady and his love Lauren LaurEN, the entire cast of Bachelor in Paradise (which we will not watch), the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, randomly, and Chump.   We don’t care about any of this because ABe has abandoned us for the Big City on a permanent basis and the BNU Has A Hole In Its Heart.   We are going to stand outside her window with a boombox over our heads. IN YOUR EYES, ABE.

We learn that the final dates will take place in Phuket, Thailand.

KMu:  “Phuket.  Phuket it all this season.”

But Jo Jo is feeling amazed that she started with “26 strangers” and is “down to 2,” neither of whom she wants to tell that she loves because she thinks about them when on dates with the other. The BNU is more concerned about other pressing matters:
This Author: “What is she wearing?  A butterfly cape/romper?”

KMu:  No, it is a pillowcase with a drawstring.”

We have a brief interlude of being-reintroduced to her family.  As Jo Jo reveals to her mother that she loves both of them, mom gasps.   As she tells the fam that she doesn’t have a “big concern about either of them” but that Jordache Jeans makes her nervous because he’s the same poopshanty that she always falls for, we sigh. 

EMu is confused for lo, she has been listening to KMu and this Author: “Is the woman in the teal top with the plastic surgery Jo Jo’s mom?”

KMu and this Author take a brief break to a) explain plastic surgery, and b) bring up the cast of Real Housewives on KMu’s phone for show and tell, and c) remember not to talk about plastic surgery in front of a five year old.

Soon Jordache Jeans is being dumped off the back of a catering truck, so that he can meet the family.  And he has used hot rollers for the occasion:

 We are so bored we want to cry.  Jordache Jeans explains in falsely game tones that his family likes to “embarrass each other” and so he got everyone “silly hats” at the market. “You can just wear them for a minute and then we can be done” he says. 

This author makes a hat out of her sweatshirt:

 Basically, in 1:1 times that follow, Mom gets to the grist of things by saying, “He’s a play boy.  I am very concerned about this.”  And then asking Jordache Jeans: “So, you are planning to marry her, right?”

Jordache:  “Yeah.”

Mom: “So. . . Jo Jo has trust issues with men.  Give me your word you will never break my daughter’s heart.”

Long.  LONG pause.

Jordache:  “Absolutely not.  You have my word.” 

Mom next tells Jo Jo:  “You know how when you go to a party, you are the center of it and everyone wants to be with you?”  [oh yes, Jo Jo’s mom, that is the experience all of us commonly have.].   “Well, Jordache Jeans is like you.  You are too much alike.”

Jo Jo doesn’t like this assessment, and pushes back, causing Mom to say that of COURSE she likes Jordache because who doesn’t.

KMu:  “Um…..”

Blah Blah, the same conversation is had with Dad. 

Jordache is articulate and fills this Author with Grammar Rage:  “I do believe in what me and Jo Jo have.  If it is me, I can’t wait to prove to you how amazing this thing is.”

But (dah dah DUM), he does NOT get Dad’s permission to propose.

Jo Jo, accurately reading the situation as she has done all season: “Jordache wouldn’t propose to me unless he had my dad’s permission. So, I’m pretty confident that happened but I don’t know how it all went down.”

 A short edit and some pan flute later, and it’s Robby being tossed out of the catering truck and onto the feet of Jo Jo’s family.

He has brought pink flowers because “he is fabulous!!” concludes KMu.

“His hair is better than normal,” observes EMu.

Mom immediately goes in for the kill:  “So Robby, what did you see about Jo Jo that you like?”

Robby:  “Well, she’s smart and intelligent.”

The BNU snorts.

Basically, Robby impresses them all by telling them in awkward detail about the very first time he told Jo Jo that he loves her.  Jo Jo reveals that she feels “loved and cherished” by Robby.  The brothers are like “that’s a grown ass man who knows what he wants.”  Then, THEN, Robby makes a big show of asking both dad AND mom for their blessing to propose like it is some unusual and special thing to ask the mom her opinion on anything and we are depressed for women everywhere.   

 We become even more depressed when this happens:

Mom: “I am giving you a princess.  Because I raised a princess.”

KMu:  “What every guy wants to hear.”

After Robby leaves, the family gently tries to explain to Jo Jo that the gay man is better marriage material than Jordache Jeans and Jo Jo fights against it, insisting that Jordache is “super fun.” The brothers caustically tell her that she is not picking a New Year’s Eve date and ask her why she is sticking up for Jordache when they say they like Robby.  Jo Jo cries and says it’s because she doesn’t know what to do, between options A and B, and KMu concludes for all of us:

 “She’s not in love with Robby.  But her favorite trait about him is that he loves her.”

Then, THEN Shit Gets Real because the family reveals that Jordache Jeans did NOT ask for dad’s permission to propose.  Jo Jo is shocked.   We at the BNU are not.  

Soon we are on the beach with Jo Jo and Robby on their final date together.  And this happens, and it is beautiful:

Jo Jo:  “How do you see life for us?”

This Author: “Are they just talking about this now???”

Robby:  “Well, I see us sitting on THE MOST comfortable living room sofa.”

BNU:  HAHAHHAHA.

KMu:  “No straight man would say that, sir.”

Robby:  “We will have a dog on the couch, and the faint noise of our children in the background.”

KMu:  “Oh yes, PMu and I do that every evening.  We relax on the most comfortable couch with the faint noise of our children burning the house down in the background.”

Robby:  “And we have dinner in the oven. . . “

Jo Jo:  “We do?  Because I don’t know how to cook.”

Robby:  “But we are lost in our conversation. . . . and dinner burns.  But we are fine because of the Sauvignon Blanc White Wine that we are sharing together.”

The BNU:  HAHAHHAA.

KMu:  “Would you like some Rioja Red Wine, KLo?”

Robby:   “And we have delivery pizza.  And more Sauvignon Blanc White Wine, and the kids are happy, and we are happy. . .”

Tears.

Jo Jo:  “So, how far in the future do you see this?”

Robby:  “Nine months.”

KMu:  “The kids are actually in the van right now, so….”

After this Most Certain to Come True Vision, Robby invites Jo Jo over to his house for a Last Supper and he is once again wearing his white slippers. In any event, he shows her some pictures that he had printed of their “special moments” and they continue to reveal that they are Grounded In The Reality:

Robby:  ‘I want you to walk away confident.”

Jo Jo:   “You know, I ask myself, how did I get here with you?”

Cabernet Sauvignon Red Wine comes out of KMu’s nose.

Jo Jo:  ‘You’ve got a heart of gold.”

Robby:  “I’m a heart virgin.” 

Wha?

On that confusing note, we go to date #2 with Jordache Jeans on a pirate ship.  Jo Jo has dressed for the occasion in tiny white shorts and a pirate shirt:

Jordache gives himself a pep talk about what’s to come:   “We’re going to both make a decision. I’m going to make a decision. And she’s gonna make one. We’re going to be making some decisions.”

Jo Jo is stuck on the fact that Jordache didn’t ask for her dad’s blessing, and it all comes out after a kayak trip to a secluded beach.

Jo Jo: “What’s going on in your head.” 

Jordache:  Well, a lot since seeing your family. I loved it.  It was everything I wanted it to be.”

Jo Jo:  “How did you feel, talking to my dad?”

Jordache:  “Great!”

Jo Jo:  “What did you talk about?”

Jordache:  “I didn’t shy away from my intentions with him, how crazy in love I am.  But all I want to do is asking him to marry you, but I didn’t. And that will be important to me. . .”

Jo Jo:  Ok, this is making me doubt if you are ready.”

Jordache:  “Well, if it was up to me, I would be down on one knee already.”

Jo Jo: “Um, it is up to you.”

Jordache:  “Oh no, I need all of these things.  Like, I didn’t feel comfortable asking your parents for permission to marry you because they hadn’t met Robby yet and so I didn’t know if it would be me.  And also, I needed you to feel comfortable with me asking.  And I needed your parents to feel comfortable. . . . “

Jo Jo:  “So you didn’t ask because . . . there are two people left?”

Jordache:  Um yeah.  And also, bullshit bullshit bullshit.”

Jo Jo is a bit freaked out by this incredibly bullshittery, but naturally not enough to pull the plug on Jordache.  Later that evening, she confronts him again about coming up with all manner of excuse for why he did not ask for her parents’ blessing and he says:

1.  “I know. But you never know until you know.  But I’m okay with that.”

2.  “After realizing I’m ok, I’m 100% ready to make that walk because I love you that much and don’t want to lose you.”

3.  Both of the above.

We are so confused.  And also, a final PSA to Baby Women Everywhere:  You don’t have to stay with the guy because he is afraid to lose you.

Now it’s the day of the final rose ceremony and we are bored.  Robby meets Neil Lane and picks out a ring that “describes his love for Jo Jo,” which apparently is ugly with lots of barnacles stuck on the sides.  Jordache, meanwhile, calls Jo Jo’s parents to ask for their blessing, which is given, and then picks a nicer ring.

We see Jo Jo in her fancy dress, “laying on the most comfortable living room sofa” concludes KMu.  And the men are penning notes to her, revealing that both of them can write but Jordache only at the third-grade level.   Jo Jo receives Jordache’s note, in which he tells her that he has asked for her parents’ blessing and in that moment, we know Robby is screwed because Jo Jo tells the camera that she “believes in Jordache.”  And also “believes him.”

So then we see Robby getting into a suit so tight that he cannot bend down to put his shoes on, and he is walking the gang plank and telling Jo Jo that he loves her and . . .the big dump occurs. But then she clings to him and won’t just let him leave.

“Ring ring, it’ s Chase.”  Says KMu. “Let him go now.”

As Robby drives off in the limo, Jo Jo cries that she hopes she’s “not making a huge mistake,”  which is exactly how one should feel on the day they get engaged.

Blah Blah Jordache comes out in an equally tight suit, claims that he loves Jo Jo, she reciprocates, he proposes, and the ONLY upside to all of this is that at least Jordache will not be the next Bachelor. 

We do not care about this or this couple.

Next up:  After the Final Rose.  Robby comes out in a tight suit with a broach flower and claims that he has unconditional love for Jo Jo and that the rejection still stings.  Jo Jo comes out all Isadora Duncan in a long flowing scarf weirdly tied to and/or part of her dress.

We eat a cookie and somehow, Robby disappears and now Chris Harrison is asking who the next Bachelor should be.  We know who this lady wants:

Yes, that would be Robby. 

KMu:  “I am getting that shirt for you.”

So after some grandstanding from Chump about how he needs love too, god help us, Jordache Jeans comes on stage. They claim they are in love, have bought a house in Dallas and are planning to get married next year, and we don’t believe them.  Chris Harrison tries to ask a bunch of questions about Jordache’s feud with “Green Bay Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers,” which the couple side steps, and we are done.

And Gentle Readers, this concludes our programming for real.  We confess to you that this Flaming Bag of Dogshit is not the season on which we had hoped to End Our Run, but we have been writing about the Bachelor continuously since approximately 2001, with the exception of a one season break to get married five years ago.   Candidly, this has been a second job for us which, though a labor of love, is in heavy competition with Real Work Items which enable us to purchase The Wines.  So, we are going to stop writing the blog, at least for the foreseeable future.    

Thank you, Gentle Readers, for your fortitude and love through the years.  You have no idea how much joy you have brought this Author. 

Love,

KLo.