Dolton Part 3: Some News

Babies, here is the deal.  You may have noticed that This Author is now two weeks behind in blogging.  This is because we are in the middle of Extremely Intense Work Items and also, on this past Monday night, we were hit twice by a semi coming home from said work items.  We think we are probably FINE (thank you baby jesus).  Everyone else is FINE.  But, as you can imagine, for this to happen in the middle of Extremely Intense Work Items and also On The Night of The Bachelor has thrown this Author off her game.   So sorry this season will be blogged with a pretty bad time delay.  But given how boring it is, we are also pretty confident everyone can handle that.  The end, by KLo. 

Dolton Part 2: Sherri Ann for President

Babies, we got seriously buried under Work Items this week. So it is with bleary eyes that This Tiny Author has elected to write this love note to you all on a Monday morning about Events That Occurred Seven Days Ago rather than Do A Yoga.  See how we place The Greater Good above Our Own?

Except we are not sure that Dolton Part 2 is for said G. Good because ABC has started confessional self-filming.  That’s right.  Dolton is Blair Witching us from bed, talking about how he is going to take his first group date women to a theater to “tell stories of our firsts.”

Babies, this Author’s video chat experience takes a Somewhat Different Path these days:

SKu:  “So, fun coffee?”
KLo:  “We would LOVE a fun coff. . . omg, look at my old lady neck.  This video thing is horrible. “
SHg:  “See my puppy in the snow! There she goes! Baby girl!”
SKu:  “Um, coffee???”

See what you have to look forward too, Dolton, once the dew wears off?

But anyway, Here We Go.   The women are preparing for the date. After squeals and a general discussion of This Author’s Favorite Word To Hate, that being “smitten,” Demi is all “as soon as you talk to the Dolt, you develop feelings for him!!”  Whatever, Dinky.

First date card comes for:  Dinky, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Anna, Nicole, Onyeka, various other people that we have lost track of, and . . . Sherri Ann Cabot, who has forgotten her tops.

The ladies pop champagne in a stretch truck and now they are at a theater.  Aaaaand . .  .  suddenly here is Nick Offerman and Megan Mullaney, who we LOVE and these women basically have no idea who they are.  MM and NO proceed to make this as awkward as possible for Our Intrepid Contestants (“this is a story of the first time I plucked a blossom of a woman”) and it is also fabulously awkward.  

Except what is happening here:  

Somehow, the teenage daughter of our friend LGi has made it onto this show and is now standing beside Bad Influences.  

So the goal of this little event is to tell stories of firsts in order to “let Colton know who we are.”

Woman: ‘I am going to show him the part of me that is kinda smart.” 

After a period to “journal,” during which Hannah who needed guidance in episode 1 once again seeks guidance and encouragement from Dolton to Be Herself in this episode, we are ready to go.

First up: Dolton.   He “speaks his truth” about being a virgin and we grow tired. Next, Elyse the Elderly talks about being 31 and dating people 13 years her senior.  So, her “first” is dating someone younger.  #sobrave.    Dinky, in her monotone, age shames Elyse: “There is no advantage to being older here.” We hate her.

 Blah blah Nicole draws on her Hispanic background to make a joke about white bread, Hannah tells the story of receiving the first impression rose, and Bri tells the story of the first time she felt comfortable in her skin and now we know they are all lying because none of them do.

Sheri Ann, god bless her, thinks the OTHER women are a little . . . aggressive in their “presentation” on this date.

Onyeka picks an unnecessary fight by repeating the Only Funny Once story about the first time she “saved” Colton from “drowning in some bitches.” This causes Sherri Ann to declare that she’s a “good swimmer,” shout an expletive, and attempt to drop the mike.  

Tracy, who is also “older” at 31, also talks about when she ‘tried to date a virgin” for the first time, which just makes her sound gross, and then Dinky gets up to tell her story.   

This Story is going to Blow. Our. Minds.

Dinky “can’t wait to make this crowd fall in love with me.” 

Some might say it is Yuge.

So, Dinky’s story is about meeting a guy at a party and really liking him but being scared to kiss him and GUESS WHAT that man is Colton and DOUBLE GUESS WHAT she kisses him now.  Dinky’s all, “that is the story of how I got the first group date rose.”   Tracy, who just told the tackiest story of the night, huffs off about how she wants to be “respectful and establish a connection,” before approaching the Dolt for a kiss.

Now we go to the cocktail party and someone is wearing thigh high boots.  It must be that lawyer our sister SHa saw in court.  True story.  

Dinky is wearing another lampshade, which we think is purple, and she immediately grabs Dolton for some 1:1 time.   In her monotone, she tells the audience that Dolton needs a “confident” woman who can tell him what to do, tells everyone that Dolton “loved my confidence,” and picks up the group date rose and tells the rest of the women “this is mine!”  And then laughs like a goose.

Tracy the 31 year old becomes terribly upset about Dinky’s Affront to the Sacred Group Date Rose.

Meanwhile, this is happening: 

Dolton to Elyse: “Hearing you talk about your 20s, that was sooo sexy!!”
Dolton again: “ I really wouldn’t be here right now if I had it all figured out.”

AHAHAHAHAHA.  Also,  no shit.

Dolton to Elyse again: “Your old age intrigues me.  I could learn a thing or two from you.”

She is THIRTY ONE.  31.  Three.  One.  We have no words.

While this is happening, Tracy is trying to enlist Onyeka to support her Sneaky Hate Spiral over Dinky picking up the rose.   Dinky, concurrently, is being her usual self:

Ridiculously, Tracy decides to “confront” Dinky about how she picked up the group date rose and “set her straight.”  We cannot believe this is happening.

Eventually, Elyse gets the first impression rose for being brave about her age.  Dinky is going to cut a bitch. And Nicole, who had previously opened up about her autistic twin brother, actually starts CRYING.

Good lord.

While all of this has gone down, the next date card came for Miss Alabama.  “True Love is on the Horizon.”  Miss Alabama is delighted because this date will occur on her birthday.

We only feel one emotion during this date:  Sad.  Miss Alabama, newly minted Age 24, tells the camera that if she feels like things aren’t perfect, then she thinks she is horrible.  She goes on a self-doubting spiral from which she cannot recover.  And basically, she is so completely lost as a human being within her own skin that we want to give her a sandwich and a few weeks in the boundary waters so that she can practice failing.

 This date goes about as well as you can imagine for someone afraid of her shadow.  The Dolt is “incredibly attracted” to her “pretty eyes” and also “white teeth.”  As Miss Alabama rides off with him in a jeep, she has no conversation.  We learn later she has never ridden a horse, neither ever nor to a hot tub in the middle of the wilds (the plan for the day).

Miss Alabama panics when Colton asks her to give a toast for the day.  After 2 minutes of completely awkward silence, she says: “Let’s put a bunch of words together that sound good . . . so my birthday and . . .Roll Tide!”

Colton:  “This date is not going as expected.”

They literally go to the Titanic for dinner. 

Colton:  “Oh look at this!  We are on the deck of a ship!  For Dinner.”
Miss Alabama: [blink blink].

Colton encourages her to open up.  So she does by . . . interrogating him about his virginity.  And then she tells him “everything,” which basically means telling him she is a “hot mess.”  This somehow makes Colton give Miss Alabama the date rose because, showing his age, he still wants to keep the pretty ones with no conversation around.

But trouble is brewing, as Miss Carolina (back at home) reveals that she and Miss Alabama roomed together and there were Dark Feelings and Miss Alabama has a façade and can flip a switch.  Oooo.

At last, the final date card has come for . . . (cue a freak out by Heather: Occupation Never Been Kissed) . . .Alex, Erika, Katie, Miss North Carolina, Sidney, Mina, Kirpa, Courtney, Kathy, and Heather:  ONBK.  This Author probably made up some of those names and also, missed some women.

The card reads: “I camp fight this feeling any more.” 

BABIES.  WE ARE GOING TO CAMP.  It’s like this Author’s second home.

Except this is called “Camp Bachelor” and every single woman is wearing leggings as pants. 

When this author was a camper, we wore the cuff of a teal tube sock underneath our watch because we thought it looked cool.  Also, a hat with betty boop on it.  And also, really thick glasses.  We were fabulous.

There is some sort of competition, where the winning team gets to stay and sleep under the stars and the losing team goes home.  Heather: Occupation Never Been Kisssed is like “who knows what will happen?!?”  What will happen is that someone is going to the boat house to get some. 

Billy Eichner (comedic relief for this portion of this terrible episode) rightly observes that he is super glad that Colton is using the right criteria to choose who to sleep with:  an egg relay, three legged race, canoeing, and tug of war.

The red team wins.  Yellow goes home and Alex:  Occupation Dog Walker  is NOT happy.

The big takeaway on this date is that Heather:  Occupation NBK reveals to Colton that she is a virgin and has never kissed anyone, and he just sort of says “that’s really brave,” says she “knows her self worth,” and pats her on the head.  Toast.

 Yet somehow, she gets the group date rose.   Weirdly, this date then sort of ends.

One hard edit later, we are at the Rose Ceremony and the Dolt is displaying his conversational skills:

Miss NC:  “I had encephalitis when I was 2 and nearly died.”
Dolt:  “I know you were young, but that must have really given you new insight.”

HAHAHAH.

Dinky, meanwhile, is crowing about being “five steps ahead of the older girls” and we hate her with the fire of a thousand suns.   Dinky, may you be so lucky as to survive into old age because some of your friends will not.

While our rage towards Dinky is burning bright, a caterer in a grey drape is telling Dolton that while she is 23 years old, she is also the oldest of 5 and ready to start a family.  She sells herself hard and we tune it out.   More interesting is Sydney, the NBA dancer who could kill us with a shoe.  Lo, for she is Nervous Tonight because the Sacrifice She Made will not be worth it if she goes home tonight.  

Then Onyeka, who needs to leave already, blows an air horn in Colton’s ear and says she’s being “horny” tonight, interrupting the NBA dancer’s time with him.   So Sidney/Sydney retaliates by beating a kitchen pan like a drum during Onyeka’s time. 

 We want to burn this entire house down, especially after Tracy Age 31 melts down in tears because Dinky, in a bathrobe, takes Colton upstairs for a massage in her “fantasy closet.”   Dinky then goes to talk to Tracy, which is basically just making nice even though she doesn’t mean it, and we are sad that Tracy has so little regard for herself that she is upset about losing a guy who is so immature he cannot handle this situation.

Some woman, for all of us: “Does she not have parents??”

Finally, it is time for the Rose Ceremony.  To join, Elyse, Miss Alabama, and Heather:  Occupation Never Been Kissed with Roses, he picks (some of these names may be made up):  

1. Tish? Who is that?

2. Cassie

3. Miss North Carolina.

4. Courtney

5. Dinky.  Nooooo.

6. Nicole

7. Kirpa

8. Hannah that needs reassurance

9. OMG Leslie Ann Cabot

10. Bri the Model

11. Sydney who will kill you with her shoe

12. Onyeka.  Seriously? 

13. Katie (???)

14. Miss North Carolina again? We screwed up somewhere in here.  

15. Nina, aaaaand

16. Tracy.

SO, going home are some people we don’t know.  Right, Angelique and Alex and Annie some financial associate.

Stay tuned for, well, tonight when someone says they are a “smitten kitten” and they are dead to us forever.

-KLo

Dolton Part 1: The Seventh Circle

Possibly the most painful part of this show is that it is preceded by Family Feud on our local network.  How Prescient.   At any rate, behold This Author:  Sysyphus.  Preparing ourselves to roll the rock up the hill that is the Bachelor for another season.  

We are beginning with The Tortures because ABC has taken our least favorite episode (the first), turned it into our least favorite format (the “viewing party”), and made it three hours long.  We feel the stabby pain behind our eyes as a bunch of women and a few token men stream into the Fonda Theater behind Chris Harrison making virginity jokes and saying that we are about to see something we have never (a) seen or (b) done before at least three times.

It gets worse:  One of the new things they have “never” done before (except all those times in prior seasons) is simultaneously broadcast from satellite viewing parties all across “Bachelor Nation,” with former “favorite contestants” as hosts.  Oh. My. God.  There is Tiny Dancer and YoJo in Dallas, Texas.  In Park City Utah, it’s Ashley Kardashian and Just Jared.  Aaaaaand, in the swinging city of Lansing, Michigan, we are at the home of Brittany –N- David with Blake and our beloved, Jason, from season Other Becca. 

Jason thinks he is providing color commentary at a college football game:  “this is freaking PANDAMONIUM!” he yells from Brittney-N-David’s living room.  “There is no place I would rather be than right here, cheering on my main man, Colton!” Also, “It’s a real rager!!” 

We, too, are having a “rager” with our mini-wine.

And then we gasp because we see The Dolt’s new promo picture, clearly taken when he had to pee:

Also, what is happening here:

As we consider Colton’s apparent club foot, Coach Krystal and DC Mike, who everyone is now calling Goose for some reason, are thrust upon us.  They are in a hot tub and WHEN DID THEY GET ENGAGED and also, WHY IS THE HOT TUB IN A PARKING LOT??  Apparently, there is going to be a “viewing party” in the parking lot hot tub as well.   Women in swimsuits are lining up in freezing cold to join the “fun.”

Jesus, take the wheel.

After some discussion with superfans and painful interludes with former contestants,  ABC gives us the obligatory mini-story about some of the 30 women who will be vying for our Bachelor this season, none of whom we will remember until episode 5:

First we meet Cassie, a speech pathologist from Huntington Beach, CA.  The main takeaway here is that she is 23.  So  . . .   she just graduated college, has been in her first job for six months, and probably is still in that long slow period of starvation before the point where she realizes truly no one will cook for her on a regular basis if she does not learn to do it herself.

Next, we meet Hannah, a Miss Alabama, which “makes me a queen here!”  We hate her for that comment and for trying to make “I’m a hot mess!” a selling point.    

Then there is Katie, a 26 year old medical sales rep who reportedly moved to LA because she ‘wanted to dance.”  Her dancing video is like this Author doing physics:  nope.  But she does have very nice muscles.

 Fourth:  Heather, age 23, profession:  “Never Been Kissed.”

Onyeka, who is Nigerian. We like her except every sentence ends on a question.

Nicole, a social media something or other from Miami.  Latina.  25.

Kirpa, a 26 year old dental hygienist who hopes Colton flosses.

Demi, a 23 year old interior designer who still lives with dad and step mom.  Gentle readers, her mom is in prison for fraud.  Also, Demi feels that one must try all the cupcakes to decide what you want and also, that she’s the “damn confetti cake.”

No she isn’t.  She is the canopy over this Author’s first grade dream bed:

But before we go further, we are ripped back to Brittney –N—David’s house, where Brittney is trying not to “scream and cry at the same time” with excitement at having her suburban home overrun by drunk bachelor fans. 

This is not dissimilar to how This Author felt on New Years Eve, except it was trying not to poop “fruits de mer” and vomit at the same time.    

Like Brittney, This Author’s success was variable.

Babies, at this point we feel compelled to point out that it is 8:40 p.m. and we still have not actually begun the show.  Instead, we see Dolton.  He is 26.  He is shirtless. He is excited to be the first virgin bachelor.  He grew up in a conservative environment. (What?!? NO!?!).  He got lost in football.  But he was in love before (purportedly with Other Becca), before he got The Big Dump.

 But back to useless filler:  ABC’s “most popular bachelor couples” and their children.  They trot out Trista and Ryan, Big Daddy and Molly Who Will Not Age Well, the Dentist and JP, various others who met on spin off shows, and then reveal that Ari and Other Lauren are pregnant.  Meh.

Chris Harrison has now buzzed back to the hot tub where he is asking Coach Krystal if SHE is pregnant.  Because he has apparently never read the side of a hot tub before, vis: don’t sit in a hot tub for hours on end if you are pregnant.  Headdesk.

After some guy proposes to his girlfriend at the Utah viewing party, we finally are ready to, you know, View.   We see Colton standing before the Bachelor Mansion, and limos begin to roll out, carrying:

1. Demi.  Oh right, not only is she 23 but she is also an “interior designer.”  She informs Colton that she “has not dated a virgin since I was 12.”  He blinks.   We also blink, as that is pretty sad.  Demi tells the camera that she loves that Colton is a “big teddybear that makes me feel like a ‘little tiny baby.’”  OMG.

2. Tayshia, a Phlebotomist.  Age 28.  She “doesn’t know much about Colton but the one thing I know is that he has a big heart.”  Really?   That’s the ONE THING you know about him after Chris Harrison’s incessant virginity jokes? 

3. Heather, profession Never Been Kissed.

4. Nicole, the Latina Social Media Coordinator.  Blessedly normal.

5. Miss North Carolina (Caelynn).  She wears her ribbon.  Which also says “Mrs Underwood” on the other side.  KMN.

6. Sydney, an NBA dancer who probably has no personality but is legitimately gorgeous in an “I will kill you with my fork” kind of way.

7. Elyse, a 31 year old makeup artist.  Considering that she is 5 years older than Colton and he is apparently interested in infants, she is toast.

8. Tahzjuan.  25.  We have nothing.

9.  Cassie, the speech pathologist with a box of dead butterflies she drops on the floor.  Oh wait, they were not real.  Colton keeps one.  Tell me about the lambs, Clarice.

10. Kirpa the Dental Hygienist.

11. Caitlyn, a real estate whatsit who pops a balloon and tells Colton that she “popped his cherry.”  Ok, she needs to go.

12. Courtney.  Age 23.  We don’t know.

13. Katie, a medical sales rep who “takes” Colton’s “V Card” in a card game.  OMG.  We are starting to wonder if Colton is a virgin.  We aren’t really sure, but it seems like a lot of signs are pointing that way.

14. A sloth.   Or really, a woman named Alex who over-commits to being a sloth, both walking and delivering her introduction over two sides of an ad break.
              Colton:  “Oh boy, this is going to take forever.”
              Nicole:  “I am taking this so seriously and here is a sloth.”

15. Onyeka.

16.  Somebody McNut.  Erika?  She gives him some nuts.

18. Miss Alabama.  Ohhhhh SNAP.   Miss North Carolina gives the sizing up bitch face.  Miss Alabama, meanwhile, is worried because she “doesn’t want to feel competition in any way” coming into this, which Miss North Carolina apparently is because she was merely Miss USA.   We hate pageant girls with the fire of a thousand suns.

19.  Tracy a wardrobe stylist in . . . .a cop car because . . . she is the fashion police.

Nicole For All Of Us:  “Thank god the fashion police are here because I’ve never seen so  many sequins in all my life.”

20. Angelique.  Marketing?  28?  There are too many women.

21.  Devin, a broadcast journalist age 3.

22. Revian, a nurse who speaks Mandarin.

23.  Nina, a sales account manager whose first language is Croatian.  Colton, our intrepid Man Of the World, nervously assesses the women:  “That’s my third language. . . “

24.  Another Alex, Occupation Dog Rescuer.

25.  Bri, a model who pretends to have an Australian accent to “stand out.”  This should be fun.

26. Laura from Dallas who is wearing the same dress as some other girl.

27. Another Hannah, who brought Colton his “favorite brand of underwear,” which is an empty box because that would be none.  We don’t want to know these things.

28.  Annie, a financial assistant. 

29. Somebody who brought a photo of Colton’s dogs.  At this point, we have no idea what her name is.  Jane?

30.  Sherri Ann Cabot from Best In Show:

Her name is apparently Catherine, but really.  This Show has Given Us Life.

Sherri Ann’s dog is Lucy, and she gifts Lucy unto Colton for the duration of the show.  The only bright side all this is that it triggers the only real reaction of the night, where all of the other women express disappointment that they couldn’t bring their own dogs.

31. Last but not least -- and we're not quite sure how we ended up with 31 but oh well -- some lady named Erin shows up in a horse drawn carriage and leaves her shoe.  Profession:  Cinderella. 

              Erika McNut:  “Wow, I could have done a lot more than a bag of nuts.”

So there they are:  Our inmates in this asylum for the next several weeks.  But before we learn more, we are ripped by to viewing parties, where yet ANOTHER man proposes to his girlfriend.  This is starting to feel like a televised Reverend Moon mass wedding.

Back we go to Colton, who tells the Harrison that he thinks ALL the women are “confident,” which he finds attractive, and we lose the rest of this thread because we are laughing.

Colton is soon roaming from woman to woman like a hummingbird.  First Demi takes him away.  She reports, after their conversation, that it went well because Colton complimented her on her eyes and dress.  Meanwhile, McNutts is interrogating Colton about his virginity because that’s what you do when you meet someone for the first time.   But soon, Miss North Carolina has stolen Colton and is explaining that her favorite thing in all of her 23 years is to travel but she got dumped in Thailand.  This earns the first kiss of the evening. 

What?

The first impression rose comes out.  Squeals all around and the usual “Everyone is feeling stressed.  Especially those who have not gotten time.’  One day, this Author will prospectively write an episode of this show.

We go back to the viewing parties (*shakesfistatthesky*).  Tiny Dancer and YoJo are saying it’s so “hot” that some “girls” at their party are going to do a cheer and Verily, We Know We Are in the Seventh Circle of Hell:

Blah blah the NBA dancer (Sydney?) tries to teach Colton how to dance in a square to a string quartet.  Heather of Job Profession Have Never Been Kissed says he is “falling in love!”  And the make up artist (Elyse?) makes him go fishing in the pool. 

The last time This Author witnessed anything being fished out of the pool, it was a phantom dookie at the YWCA.

ANYWAY, Tayshia brings Colton to “Pony Land” and makes him give her a piggy back.  And the sloth finally unmasks herself, which leads to an unfortunate flurry of words where she reveals: “So my name is Alex.  I’m from Cape Cod. I have a mom, dad, brother who is the smartest guy in the world. I love, love, love my job as an account manager.  I Love animals. I love all animals. AALL Animals.” 

We wish she were a sloth again.

Meanwhile, Sherri Ann, who has clearly escaped from Real Housewives of Somewhere, feels that all the other women are beautiful statues without much substance and therefore she is going to make an impression:

SA:  Hiiiiiii.
Colton:  How are you?
SA [bump shimmy]:  I’m amAZeeng.

If this Author ever gave that answer to her husband, he would ask if something was wrong.

Mercifully, they get interrupted by some other women who wants to draw on shoes (for real).  This causes Sherri-Ann to use some flowers as cover while she takes a knife out of her tablecloth:

Oh snap, someone is going to get murdered.

Lo, for Sherri Ann of the Real Housewives was “drawn to” Colton and has never had to “fight for a man before” and she wants to be with him and “create this whole amazing lifestyle with him.”   So she removes Colton from shoe lady and showing the idiot that he is, Colton just goes with her without managing the situation.  

 Party foul, Colton.  Party. Foul.

Sooooo. .  Onyeka immediately pops up beside Sherrin Ann and Colton, draped in goggles and blowing a whistle. “I hear you are drowning in some bitches!  I am ready to save you!”  

HAHAHHAHA.

Sherri Ann is thwarted momentarily.  As she walks off, she definitely doesn’t know where the cameras are or anything:

Did we mention that her occupation is DJ?

In any event, Sherri Ann interrupts another woman, and Goggles (Onyeka) decides to “confront her” about her stealing ways.  We grow tired.  Goggles is trying to “keep it real” and Sherri Ann is swearing that she is the “least argumentative person ever.”  They hug it out and it is weird.   Then Sherri Ann steals Colton from a FOURTH woman and Colton STILL does not manage the situation.   This does not bode well for the season.

Meanwhile, Coach Crystal is having a dance party in the hot tub:

We imagine that this is our husband at his “conference” in Mexico.  We feel salty at ourselves for not going along.

Back we go to Ashley Kardashian’s viewing party, where some fan freaks out over Ben Moriarty Brady, and then like whiplash we return to the show, where Cassie the speech therapist is teaching Colton some sign language in a not gross way.

Colton next is explaining to some lady that his family has a lot of “strong independent women” and that he wants someone who “knows what she wants” and the tears.   

After a bunch more of these moments, Colton gives the first impression rose to . . . Hannah?  Who is this?  Oh . . . right.  It is the 23 year old strong independent woman whose hands he manfully held and instructed her, like his “momma taught me,” to take three deep breaths because she was nervous.    He then kisses her and THERE IS TONGUE and it is GROSS.

While this is happening, the other women declare that if Sherri Ann gets a rose, they will Lose All Their Shits. 

After a bunch more filler, including a sentimental look back at Chris Harrison and This Author’s SEVENTEEN YEARS watching this show, we get to the rose ceremony.  Colton picks:

1. Miss North Carolina (Caelynn)

2. Katie

3. Alex B (green dress, no idea)

4.  Hannah B

5.  Goggles (Onyeka)

6.  Caitlyn.

7. Someone named Annie?

8. Kirpa.

9.  Heather

10. Elise the makeup artist.

11. Tayshia.

12. Courtney

13. Cassie the speech therapist.

14.  Demi.  OMG NO.  She is all “I will happily accept your rose.”

15.  Nina.  Who is this?

16. McNut.

17.  Sidney the NBA dancer.

18.  Bri – the model that faked an accent

19.  Angelique

20. Tracy

21. Nicole – YAY!

22. Sherri-Ann.

Cinderalla and a lot of other women who can’t believe what just happened stumble home in broad daylight.

Coming up this season:  A LOT of blonde hair, tears, and falling in love.  Stay tuned, babies.

- KLo 

Dolton Part Patience, Young Padawan

Babies, the first episode of this Trauma is Three. Hours. Long.  And though I love you all very much, This Author is far too delicate to sacrifice her sleep for this show.  Or her work items.  Therefore, we will come to you At A Reasonable Time once we have an opportunity to slog through. 

Other Becca Part Finale: We Are Not Surprised.

Babies, It’s the “Television Event of the Summer,” according to Chris Harrison.  Which is why this Viewer could not bring herself to watch it until a substantial time delay had occurred.  Also, it is THREE HOURS long.

Our Diabolic Host:  “We have never before witnessed how broken hearted the man she doesn’t pick is!”
And once again:  “Let’s all find out together how this ends.”

We submit that if this does not end prior to 10 pm and also, with a hot toddy in hand we are going to be upset.

Immediately we are in the Maldives, which is the “most romantic place” Other Becca has ever been. This apparently inspires her to wear a ruffled bikini and skort situation.  And do yoga. And swim in an infinity pool in her false lashes.  You know, as the sun rises.

Let us tell you how the morning begins for This Author:  We stumble downstairs, make a pot of tea, and then spend the next 20 minutes sweating in a bathrobe while watering the children (plants) as we are eaten alive by mosquitos.  Surely, if we moved to Maldives we would rediscover yoga and infinity pools.  We make a note to inform our husband.

But things improve when Other Becca meets her family, who are all genuinely nice people, and sits in her momma’s lap.   As a Momma Lap Sitter No Matter The Age, this Author approves.  However, we suddenly become arrested by Other Becca’s sister and her fabulous hair:

While we are admiring, Other Becca confesses that she loves two men, and “needs help” choosing. 

Then Garrett shows up carrying A Vegas Showgirl’s Top:

What to say here.  Everyone is excited, they follow the outline provided by ABC of hearing about the happy couple’s prior dates, Garrett makes a toast a dinner to people only there in spirit.  And then in 1:1 times, Other Becca reveals to her mom that she feels like she can be “all of me” with Garrett and we feel The Cowboy is toast.

Garrett, unexpectedly, cries his way through his 1:1 times.  Other Becca’s uncle asks what’s up with Garrett’s prior 2 month marriage, Garrett explains that there was a “huge blow up” between his ex wife and his family that his ex “never tried to work through,” and then he starts crying talking about various losses in his family, and then the Uncle starts crying, and THEN they start laughing because they are both crying together and it is actually rather endearing.

In 1:1 time with The Sister, The Sister feels like she has known Garrett forever.   Also, they Talk A Big Game about how Garrett wants to be 50/50 in a relationship just like Other Becca.  We tell the television that until Garrett cooks dinner, cleans the kitchen and picks up the drycleaning, while also noting that the air conditioner needs serviced and handling it without prompting because his wife is broken and needs to watch Netflix for an afternoon, he likely does not realize what 50/50 can sometimes mean.

In any event, Garrett cries again to the sister as he says that he wants to put Other Becca first, always make sure she feels safe, “guard her heart” (wtf does that mean; rage), and so forth.   This goes over big with The Sister, who informs Other Becca that Garrett feels like he has found his person in her.

Garrett gives hugs in a round and end scene.

Next up:  The Cowboy.  But only after another Ominous Reminder from Chris Harrison that this Finale is THREE HOURS.   

Once again, The Sister’s Hair is the most interesting part of this date.  

The Cowboy: “I’m nervous but I’m excited I AM excited I’m nervous but excited.” 
He is also completely terrified that “someone else could have what we have.”

Again, we go through the script of discussions about past dates, when he told her he loved her, etc.  The Sister asked how The Cowboy what’s so good about Other Becca and he wins All Of The Points with this Author for explaining that he is surrounded by strong women and gravitates towards them, and he feels like Other Becca is the strongest woman he’s met.   Well that is a bit more hopeful than “guard and protect her heart.” It’s a heart, not a bone, babies.

The Cowboy also says that as far as challenging moments, he was doing fine until last week, when he simultaneously realized how much he loved Other Becca and also, how strong her connections were with other men.   Ooooo.  

The sister tells Other Becca what she clearly does not want to hear:  “Garrett would be a wonderful father, but the Cowboy would challenge you and be more of a teammate.”  Other Becca’s face falls and she starts to cry.  She explains that for the “longest time” she thought the Cowboy was the one for her, but Garrett kept coming “up and up” and now she is basically having anxiety about dumping the Cowboy for Garrett (not in those words).

ABC tries to soften the blow by showing a lot of The Cowboy talking over people. And also the following:

Mom to The Cowboy:  “You’ll be fine either way, if she picks you or not.”

Other Family Member to the Cowboy:  “Someone is going to be sent home.”
Uncle to the Cowboy:  “is there anything I will be concerned about with Garrett?” 

The Cowboy:  “I don’t want to talk about Garrett anymore!!” He also feels that something is off with 

Other Becca and says probably the most observant thing he’s said all season:   “It sort of stinks that our relationship went so fast because now there’s this fresh new thing with Garrett that she’s drawn to. She’s going to pick him.”

Once again, the family is telling Other Becca what she does not want to hear:
Mom:  “The Cowboy seems more equal, on your level as a teammate.”
Sister:  “You were like a matched pair with the Cowboy.” 

Meanwhile, Garrett has a “really beautiful soul LIKE A POET.”

Oh hell no.

Other Becca starts crying again and sits on her Momma’s lap, as mom tells her she just wants her to be happy, but reminds her that she can’t avoid hurting someone here.

Update From This Author’s Vantage:  This is interminable.

We move on to the final dates.  The first one is with Garrett, involving monkey clip hugs and taking a boat ride to talk about how lucky they are and how she likes that things “evolved slowly” with him.  

As they talk, we ask what is happening here:

Babies, these are not lashes found in nature.  And they should not be lashes found On The High Seas.

This portion of the date ends with dolphins following the boat and everyone screaming in excitement as Garrett tells the camera that they can be “100% ourselves with each other.”   He says, “Maybe it’s the girl. Maybe it’s the equator. But I’m on top of the world right now.”  Violins play as they swim, the dolpins swim, we all swim together.

Later that evening, Garrett lights all of the candles for Other Becca and once again takes us by surprise by saying that while he feels he needs her in his life to make him a better person, he wants to actually make sure she feels the same way about him because that’s important.  And if it isn’t him in the end, he will be ok so long as she is happy.  She says it feels like “a little bit of home” with Garrett.

There is some kissing but we are playing on our phone. 

Next up:  The Cowboy.  Other Becca ALSO tackles him as she tells the camera that she feels their “hearts recognize each other.”  This date involves riding bikes around the island.

This Author got a bike a few years ago after not riding since age 11.  Which led to a Moment of Drills by this Author’s husband after he witnessed this Author nearly crash into every parked car in a cul-de-sac because we are Turning Impaired.  It was not a proud moment.  Also, we have not gotten on our bike since then.

Blah blah paddle boarding, swimming, turtles, the Cowboy can’t believe how he feels, and there is a lot of the Cowboy saying “No one can make her ____ like I can” and while that is probably true, we are tired.  But Other Becca also does a lot of “gee this is so hard to figure out what is best, I’m trying not to be in my head” and we are pretty sure the Cowboy is picking up on this. 

Other Becca then says, as they kiss into the sunset in Phase 1 of this date:  The Cowboy is “steady” and “solid” and she’s “never really had that in her past relationships.”   GURL.   That evening during Phase 2, he gives her a time capsule and Other Becca tells him that she knows he is a guy who says what he means and stands by what he says.  GUUUURL.

We cut to an ad break.  But not before Mein Host says “Coming up!  It is a break up SO PAINFUL that . . . to be honest, it is difficult to watch even for me!!!!”

F- you, Chris Harrison.

  

Now it is the day of the deed.  As Other Becca reads a letter from her sister to the camera (“I don’t want to tell you who to pick . . .  but I hope you pick the man that will CHALLENGE YOUR MIND.”), the men go pick out very ugly rings designed by Neil Lane.   

Other Becca tells the camera that she has “not only found my partner, but myself” in this whole Bachelorette process.  Thank god, because she has a long way to find the rose ceremony.

First, she walks the plank:

Then, she nearly dies crossing the hot sands:

Finally, she has to mount someone’s art project:

Like, what is happening here:

Chris Harrison:  “I remind you that what is coming up is HORRIBLE and we all need to prepare ourselves for what we are about to see!!”

Which surprisingly, is not this dress:

Yup, we all guessed it.   The Cowboy is the first off the boat and the one to get the boot.  As he tells the camera how exciting it is going to be for him to hear her say yes, he launches into his speech about how he is a better man with her, and she is [insert superlatives] and he has been waiting for this moment. 

Other Becca then stops The Cowboy to tell him that he is the most solid relationship, but because of that solidity (???) she overlooked other relationships and she is not ready to say goodbye to one of them. 

The poor Cowboy looks like he is going to pass out.  As Other Becca does more damage by saying that they “could be right together” but there is a “better fit” for them, he visibly recoils and still appears not to be breathing.  He can barely get the words out but says weakly that he didn’t expect this and that she is making a mistake, and also, “I guess this is goodbye.” 

 His last words, before we see uncontrollable weeping, are “I love you.  Bye.”

We feel devastated for him, and then a little jarred because suddenly the camera pans to him sitting with Chris Harrison, who delightedly tells us all that The Cowboy just watched The Big Dump “For the first time!!”

The Cowboy clearly is feeling his contractual obligation to show up at this “live tv event.”  He dodges most of Chris’s questions (“was it almost too easy for you guys?  Do you still love Other Becca?”) and then he carefully tells the camera that there are no hard feelings for Becca.  He wants her to be happy.  It’s just been difficult that they have not been able to talk at all the last few months.

Out pops Other Becca from the side, and we once again are taken by surprise by The Cowboy (in a good way):

Other Becca: “Are you ok? You look good.”
The Cowboy: “Yeah, I wasn’t’ going to come out in a hoodie or something.”

Other Becca explains that there was nothing that triggered her decision; she was just globally evaluating both relationships and concluded that her relationship with Garrett was best.  There are apologies and well wishes and now Chris Harrison wants to know what will “help” The Cowboy move on.

Crap.  They want to make him the next bachelor.

The Cowboy:  “I’ve learned and grown a lot.  I’m not going to be afraid to fall in love, or apologize for how hard I love.”

Crap crap crap.

With that, we dive back into the final rose ceremony.  Other Becca is now back in the Maldives, on the platform and talking about all the future things she can see with Garrett.  Garett, meanwhile, is telling the camera that he has prayed to “God and his family and friends and to Becca’s dad that the journey won’t end here,” which is weirdly sweet in a crossing all fingers and toes type way.

He tells Other Becca that she is his world, he says that he reminds her of home and she loves him.  They kiss.  He gets on one knee, she says yes, he accepts the final rose.

And then we see that P.O.S. Chris Harrison once again, who tells us all “but there’s more!!!” 

That’s right.  Because now Garrett and Becca are back out in front of the viewing audience, and Other Becca is telling everyone that she is wildly happy.  She says that she realized she loved him when she was leaving his home town date and eating a nasty airport breakfast quesadilla.  She ran into his cousins in the airport and then started crying into her quesadilla. As one does.

The rest of this (did we mention) THREE HOUR finale is just filler.  Chris Harrison shows a short video of the couple’s “secret meetings” while the show was airing. Garrett talks about his controversial “likes” on social media, in which he basically says that he has no control over his fingers.  And Chris Harrison overtly keeps digging for “the bottom” of Other Becca’s relationship with Garrett.

The happy couple will be moving in together but . . . they don’t know where.  They dodge a lot of questions about the future.  And, Chris Harrison announces that they are sending the couple back to Thailand as an engagement gift.  Which is something that ABC has not sprung for since the last season when the couple refused to commit.   ABC also gifts them with a mini-van full of baby gear because wow that is aggressive.

We end awkwardly on that note, following a few highlights of Bachelor in Paradise (which only confirms this Author’s intention not to watch).

Stay cool, babies.

KLo

Other Becca Part Men Tell All: Nope.

Babies, we opened our laptop to slog through the Second Worst Episode After the Season Opener, a.k.a. “The Men Tell All,” saw this as the teaser image, and almost shut our laptop again.

We make pitiful eyes at our Husband, who is Doing Work Items Across A Crowded Room and therefore is unaware of the trauma being imposed on his wife through her ear muffs.

We begin with a plug for Bachelor in Paradise, which this Author will not be watching.  Highlights:

A.  Kendall.
B. The Potential for Coach Krystal and Puddy to get together.
C.   Puddy:  “I’m pretty sure I’ve got a pair of testicles and the prettiest girl on my arm.” 

Coach Krystal, gratuitously in the audience to discuss the upcoming show, describes it as “A lot of glitter and a lot of tears.”  Suspiciously absent from her voice is the Pfweeeeee present during Season Ari.

Now we welcome the men who have crawled out of a rock/been contractually obligated to appear here tonight:  Jake (who?), Christian (who?) Kamil (who?) Christon (who?), John the software guy, Jean Blanc, Joe the grocery store owner, Carlisle Cullin, Conner, Puddy, Dazed and Confused Mike, Chicken Man, Kenny G, Wills, Colton, and JASON.  YAYAYAYAY THE CROWD GOES WILD.

We begin on a tentatively positive note when Chris Harrison asks Jason to describe the first night, and Jason describes blacking out because Other Becca was so stunning and then forgetting everything he had to say.  This totally happens every time a man meets this Author. 

But then the next 20 minutes devolves into Pet Store Cacophony.  As the men chirp, bark, and hiss at each other regarding Tia/Colton, Jean Blanc confessing his love and taking it back, DC Mike losing his shit, and Puddy’s tendency to take off his clothes, we read Humans of New York, clip our nails, and contemplate a bedtime tea.

Chris Harrison: “Where do you start with this buffet?”

He starts with DC Mike going all Holding Out for a Hero crazy. 
CH: “Kenny G, what happened there?”
Kenny G:  “Well, Other Becca didn’t seek him out on a group date and DC Mike lost his F*ing mind.”  
DC Mike:  “Yeah, the wheels fell off.”

After more fighting amongst the group, we move on to Jean Blanc and his moment of “I love you.  Here is a special scent I made for you.  Oh wait, I don’t actually love you – I just said that because I thought its what you wanted to hear.”  As Jean Blanc attempts (unsuccessfully) to make himself sound like less of a Turd Burger, Colton keeps chirping in little barbs and indignant statements like a Sports Parent screaming through the fence.

Jean Blanc makes a slur regarding Colton’s virginity that The BNU will not repeat, and everyone wants to kill him.  Finally Jason speaks up, silencing the group with the obvious respect he has from all of them (TEAM JASON).  He says, “Here is the problem.  Love is a powerful emotion, and it should not be abused. And you abused it and that was a discredit to this group of men and to Other Becca.”

But we’re already on to the next scene, which is Colton and Puddy taking swings at each other, followed by Puddy and Chicken Man.  At some point, the following is uttered:

Puddy:  “I got billboards up in all their minds, baby! I should have worn a work vest!”

Now some random guy named Camille that did not make it past night 1 is saying that he has a real life day job as a banker, and only models as a hobby, and why can’t Puddy get a real job.  Puddy criticizes his capris length suit pants (fair point) and loafers, and the next 2 minutes are spent discussion about who else in the group of men is wearing socks . . . or not.

Chris Harrison gives Puddy the last word:
  “Camille, F--k you.”  He says.

This Author is Not Going to Survive this episode.

But now Puddy is talking about . . . we don’t really know. 

Puddy:   “You could put me in a box and I would have a great time. There is not one person in this room who is more confident than me.”   Ok, Donald J.
Puddy Again: “Well you know, when you are driving a rolls Royce, you are going to periodically roll the windows down and say hello to people.”
Wills:  “WHAT?”
Jason:  Hahahahaha.

Puddy is apparently the Rolls Royce in this story.

Also, he is wearing the golden underwear.

Next, we hear from Grocery Joe, who also got kicked off night 1 but apparently made an impression with “Bachelor Nation” that carried on via the interwebs for weeks thereafter.  He makes an impression with this Author for his honesty:

Chris Harrison:  “Tell me how your experience was on the show?”
Grocery Joe:  “It was pretty bad.  I went home.  Like, right away.” 

As The Harrison reads tweets from viewers about Grocery Joe, he says “Um, that’s nice.”
And then, growing exasperated with Joe’s lack of panache, Chris Harrison finally says “You are a man of few words aren’t you?”
Grocery Joe:  “Nah, I talk a lot but here with all these cameras. . . .um, what do you want to know?”
CH:  “Are you still single?”
Grocery Joe:  “Well, I’m going to be on Bachelor in Paradise so you gotta wait and see.”

Damn.  He almost made it through without demonstrating poor judgment.

After Grocery Store Joe, Wills takes the “hot seat.”  He talks about his “journey,” and we feel bad for him because he felt All of the Feelings.  Chris Harrison asks him about his fashion sense also, and we love him for his throw back to his family:

Wills:  “My dad used to be a bit of a peacock growing up.  But you just have to be confident in yourself and try things out.”

Less interestingly, ABC next walks us through Colton’s “journey,” including the big fat dump.  He starts to tear up when he talks about the cheap shots being thrown at him for his virginity (Jean Blanc, the turd), and everyone says that they “respect” and “see” him.   This Author personally wants to throw a tomato at every person who claims to “see” her so we can imagine how this goes over with Colton in his mind.

Finally, FINALLY, we have Jason.  We don’t know what to say about Jason, who sheds a tear as he watches his relationship with Other Becca back, tells the audience that he connected on every level with her, further tells the audience that they are “sweet” for supporting him, and says he hopes he can maintain a friendship with Other Becca going forward.

THIS GUY.   As Chris Harrison tentatively says “your brother. . .” Jason jumps in:  “Love is Love is Love, and it does not matter to me if you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender – I look up to my brother and his relationship and . . .”
Chris Harrison cuts him off: “It’s good to have clarification on that.”

WTF.

Jason is too good for this show, also because of this:

Chris Harrison: “So what’s up with you being dubbed the best kisser by Other Becca?  Any tips?”
Jason:  “Well, remember she forgot my name, right?  After I kissed her, she didn’t forget my name!”

Hahahaha.

At last Other Becca comes out.  Jason blows her a kiss and we swoon.  She tells him that he is amazing and they hug and he is a gentleman and we swoon again.  We equally swoon when he reveals that his mother texts him the throw-up emoji every time she hears that her son is a good kisser.

Uninterestingly, we discuss the “Tia Situation” and Colton’s virginity, Wills weirdly said that Other Becca “healed” him, and Jean Blanc is awkward:
Jean Blanc:  You look and smell amazing.”
Other Becca:  “Yeah, it’s not your perfume” (ahahaha).
Jean Blanc:  [insert awkward apology].
Jean Blanc:  [gives Other Becca ANOTHER perfume.]
Jason:  [head in hands].

After some back and forth about Puddy being “funny” and some crap about kicking out Grocery Store Joe on the first night, Dazed and Confused Mike is given the floor.  He apologizes for “multiple occasions” of “feeling entitled” and “losing control” and “letting his insecurities take over.” And then brings out a gospel choir to sing “DC Mike was a jerk.”

We end with bloopers.  The best one is Chris Harrison asking some little girl at the infamous “Virginia Debate” episode how old she is (12), and then telling her she needs to stay in school because she is about to see what happens when you drop out.

Truth.

KLo.