McConaughey Part Finale: Quoth the Crow, "Nevermore."

Babies, as some of you know, This Author is Dancing With Some Stars for The Charity in a few weeks.  And while A Public Shaming is not inconsistent with the manner in which we live our life, the sobering reality of recently having to choose between (and with only slight exaggeration):   (a) a dress with no bottoms, and (b) a dress with no top for this event, has shocked this Author into bringing bubbly water to the BNU in a last ditch effort to Minimize the Ravages of Time And All Hail Damage Associated Therewith, at least until after April 17 when Such Ravages May Fully Reveal Themselves Once Again and we can go back to wearing sweatpants.     

And so it is, once again, Stone Cold Sober that This Author girds herself for McConaughey Part Finale.  We and the allegedly live viewing audience that ABC has assembled learn together that McConaughey is conflicted, and could go “either direction.”   Chris Harrison wants to know:  Will it be the fertility nurse from Chicago, or the virgin from California?  

“Because that’s her job, right, being a virgin,” mutters ABe. 

We survey McConaughey, walking rows of corn at his family farm in a skinny suit and nice shoes.  In winter.   This is only made better by the sudden appearance of his family, Whom We Love (All of Us). 

Soon the Crow shows up, dressed in her version of farm attire:  A flannel shirt and no pants, with a large set of gold doilies strung around her neck.   She throws herself onto McConaughey and says she doesn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.  We are not particularly seeing the chemistry here, but ABC makes it all better by once again focusing on McConaughey’s family, including a sister that we keep thinking is Gwyneth Paltrow from the side.  

 Suddenly we stop listening because the camera has panned down The Crow for the first time.
“Is that a flannel shirt DRESS?” demands This Author. 

It has snaps.  And an elastic waistband.  We are pretty sure our 3 year old niecelet has the same thing, possibly in the same size.   

Blah Blah soon The Crow is crying as she offers a toast at dinner about how she really really wants to be there, and also, did she mention she is “all in,” and by the way, is ready to move and have babies right away.  And also, she loves him.   In 1:1 time with the sisters, The Crow says she is ready to move to Arlington because she is ready to be a “mom and wife” (because that can only be done in Arlington, apparently), and also, how she can’t wait to have a family because she doesn’t have one.
“I went on the bachelor to fill a hole in my life.” Says KMu.

In 1:1 time between McConaughey and his sisters, he reveals that he has no reservations about The Crow, but with Hemingway. . . “there is a chemistry . . . hard to find . . . certain qualities . . . grounded . . .. . . . pretty cool.”  Says Sister #2 for All Of us:  “He can’t articulate a reason why he loves Hemingway, and that’s a big red flag.”   

 While McConaughey’s sisters are Winning the Television, The Crow basically tells McConaughey’s Mom that she longs to have people she can call mom and dad again.  And also, that McConaughey is perfect, and amazing, and will be such a great husband and father.  We just want her to stop talking, particularly as ABe has now realized that The Crow says “aaaaaand” both constantly and straight through her nose, and is now saying “aaaaand” along with The Crow and closed captioning.   We search for our bubbly water and pretend it is gin.

After McConaughey smooches The Crow goodbye, the Dad and brothers-in-law meet at a tool bench to discuss his options.  McConaughey pleads for them not to make a decision on who they like, until they meet Hemingway, and then mystery brother-in-law says, For the Win:

“The Crow is ‘all in,’ but Hemmingway is not sure. And for us, as guys, that harder to get woman is infinitely attractive.  She’s the girl at the bar that no one can talk to.  Is that part of what is going on?”

Except he says this against a backdrop of drills. 

We are a little unnerved.

Later, This Most Awesome Brother In Law Ever says, “I think McConaughey is really 50/50 on these women, and that is highly unfortunate.”

“I basically agree with everything that is coming out of this guy’s mouth,” says KMu, for All of Us.

Day #2 arrives in this interminable show, and it is Hemingway’s turn to step up to the plate.  Witnessing the lead up to this date, we at the BNU all conclude that McConaughey’s family is frustrated with him because he’s supposed to be proposing in a few days and doesn’t know what he wants. But enough of those trivial problems, for Hemingway is here with cookies for the family!! She charms them initially, and then the falls down in 1:1 time with The Sisters, when she admits “I am falling in love with him, but not there yet.  And I am totally scared that if I am not in love with him now, where does that leave me, if the Crow is ready to move here and have babies?”   And also, she has no intention of picking up her life and moving anywhere for a guy until she is sure.

“Well, that was frank,” says KMu.

As someone who refused to stifle the trajectory of her life for a “just a boyfriend” back In The History, we appreciate Hemingway’s determination.  At the same time, we are starting to get a little impatient with her, and also a little sad for McConaughey because we think that while she loves him, she is not ready in her life to settle down, regardless and independent of whomever she is with.  Which is why she isn’t clear in her head about McConaughey, and never will be until she does some more growing up.

The Sisters warn McConaughey:  “Dude, this isn’t about whether she is pretty anymore.  You need to ask some serious questions and push her.”  Mom echoes this, telling Hemingway, “well, it’s really up to you, isn’t it?” instead of giving Hemingway platitudes when they talk. 

“Can McConaughey’s mom win this Season?” asks KMu for All Of Us.

Or maybe Our Favorite Brother In Law should win, as he advises McConaughey that deciding who to marry is “not an analytical decision, like buying a car or deciding to go to school.”  Except CRISIS, for McConaughey’s Dad says to the camera: “The Crow is a sure thing, but Hemingway is who he wants.”

This Author just wants McConaughey to stop wearing skinny pants.

Suddenly, we are back at the Hotel Julian in Dubuque, IA and This Author is squealing with delight over her Love Of That Town, unabashed by KMu’s caustic reminder that This Author May be the only person to have Visited It.   

McConaughey has come to see Heminway in the Capone Suite. 
“I’m not digging the flashdance top,” says KMu.

And it’s true: we don’t really know what is going on here, but the sequin count just keeps going up as this episode progresses.  Lo, for Hemingway is wearing some sort of black contraption with sparkles and also, no shoulder.  First, when there was nothing but a sloooow glowing dreeeeaaaam this top might have made sense, but it does not in the middle of an Iowa winter.

Anyway, the key take away here is that Hemingway basically breaks McConaughey’s heart.  He tries desperately to get her to commit, and she cold fishes him.  Oh, she wants to be with him, but doesn’t see herself moving from California to Arlington any time soon because she’s never done this before.  And also, she is falling in love but not there yet, and she can’t answer why she doesn’t love him when he asks.  Oh, and she doesn’t know what the next steps would be with him, or how long they would take.

While we understand that Hemingway is a really literal person with zero creative thought, we cannot help but feel bad for McConaughey as we watch his entire being and demeanor go from “I will make this work if you can but meet me half way” to resignation and defeat.  We don’t give a billy be damned that he tells the camera he is “happy” that Hemingway can see him in her future, because we all know that is not enough at this point in his life.

 And then ABC foists another date with the Crow on us.  We start to growl as The Crow shows up at McConaughey’s farm in pinkity sweater and matching lipstick with the bones of a small dog around her neck and then gets ridiculously excited about Harvest Season. 

“We’re going to pick some corn,” says McConaughey.
“Really!?!” says The Crow.
“That’s the cutest corn I’ve ever seen!!!” says KMu. 
But The Crow is deeply moved:
“The fact that he ALLOWED ME INTO HIS FARM is huge.  He has allowed me into a huge aspect of his life.”

Happy International Womens’ Day, babies.

But the Crow is now continuing over a roaring fire about how, AGAIN, she loves him and this is perfect and amazing and she is ready to move to Arlington and be in love, and oh! His house has space to grow!”

“And coincidence – my womb has space to grow!!” says KMu. “And here’s a scrapbook of the baby we made together in the lab.  He’s due in September!! The parents named him John Deere, after your tractor!!”

McConaughey listens quietly as The Crow continues her ramble about the Perfection Of Their Union.  ABe suspects, and we must agree, that he is thinking of Hemingway while The Crow is so heavily campaigning to be The Last Lady Standing.

 At long last, Neil Lane shows up in Dubuque, which is HILARIOUS to this Viewer, and McConaughey picks a ring.  As this is happening, Hemingway is donning a long red velour blanket and The Crow is dressing as Mother Of The Bride for the rose ceremony, which is apparently happening in a barn.   McConaughy is touched by how things have come full circle, as he is “standing in the barn where I raised my first pig.”  ABe is more interested in the fact that ABC has turned the barn into a Cost Plus World Market store. 

As we watch a limo speed down the country road towards McConaughey, ABe whispers:
“What if they show up together?”
“Hey Hemingway, I really don’t want to push you, but could you be in love with me AND The Crow?” says KMu.

Aaaaaand, Hemingway is the first one out of the limo.  McConaughey dumps her, during which she shows zero emotion.  Like, not even a tear or a trembling hand.  Even in the limo on the way out, and even as she says, “maybe I was in love with him, and I just didn’t say it.”   We don't know what to think.

McConaughey, on the other hand, is overcome with emotion, as he stands in the barnyard and ABC plays Field of Dreams music.  ABe becomes confused:  “Does he play baseball, or does he farm?”

But McConaughey composes himself and soon The Crow pops out from behind Limo #2. She immediately launches into a speech, which is confusing to All of Us at the BNU because we thought this was the one time that McConaughey was supposed to speak first.  At last, McConaughey gets a word in edgewise, and proposes.  We guess that he is happy, except we don’t really see it, even when he says it is “right” and “happy” and that he loves her. 

Meh.

Just like that, we launch into the After the Final Rose episode.  ABe is now snoring softly on the sofa, but wakes up when Hemingway take the stage in a hot pink roll of lace ripped “off the shelves of Joanne fabric” concludes ABe.  She continues to show no emotion, even with McConaughey.  We are not interested, either in her OR in the Crow when she takes the stage.

As the Crow speaks, we stare blindly at her.  So, in preparation for The Dancing With Some Stars, this Author watched various videos about professional ballroom dancers, including but not limited to this one about a teenage couple of dancers.  The girl, who was very good, wore this rather amazing long sleeved white completely sequined top thingy, which like all ballroom outfits, would have been equally at home on a drag queen.  And basically, The Crow is wearing the very same thing as a dress. 

As this Viewer struggles to explain this video and the girl and the ballroom dancing to the BNU staff, KMu cuts through it all: 

“You know what I was thinking?  PIGS.  IN.  SPAAAAAACE.”

McConaughey says he wants to marry The Crow because “well, look at her!” (depressing all of us), and then they talk about their “next steps,” which miraculously don’t include The Crow moving to Arlington immediately.  We give it six months.

The show ends on a few highlights intended to delight, but which only make This Author cry:

1.    Crazy Eyes will be joining the cast of Bachelor in Paradise

2. Jimmy Kimmel is giving McConaughey and The Crow a cow called “Juan Pablo.

   Aaaaand, next season on The Bachelorette, there will be TWO bachelorettes. 

“WHAT?!?” is this Author’s reaction when BMa spoils this news via text.  Babies, Two Bachelor(ettes) has not work since the time ABC offered up two Bachelors and the 25 women picked Lord Byron over that businessman in the socks and sandals, he went on to select Mary Queen of Sots, and she later punched him in a bar.  

We become worried this is not going to End Well.  But KMu has more pressing questions:

“Wait, like two shows, or lesbians?” says she. “Because things could get really real.”

But it is even more horrible, HORRIBLE news that greets us when we get to that segment of the show, because the bachelorettes are ….. Britt and Misty.  They march out together wearing matching sequined dresses.  We immediately feel bad for Misty, as we know that all of the men on the show are going to pick Britt to continue with filming, even though they should pick Misty. 

This Viewer feels like she is back in sixth grade.  Our only consolation is that we never have to hear the Crow speak again, except for during the Break Up Special when she discusses "what went wrong," to occur at the end of the next Bachelorette. 

We will see you next Season, Babies. 
Until then, have a fabulous summer.

-KLo

McConaughey Part 10: In Which This Author Has A Mid-Life Crisis

When this Author was a child, we had a Military Tap Dance outfit comprised of a white sateen circle skirt bedazzled with stars, a white sateen sailor’s shirt equally bedazzled, and a jaunty little sailor’s cap which did not make this Author, with her pageboy haircut and myopia, feel particularly glamorous.  Yet years later, we found the sailor’s cap resurrected by our long-leggity camp counselor as a carefully placed centerpiece pinned sideways over her long red hair, to match her remotely nautical outfit.  This was something we certainly had not thought to include within our own personal repertoire to be worn in the middle of the wilderness.  But we did not know what had happened to the sailor’s shirt and skirt….. until we see the Viewing Audience at the Women Tell All:

This is just going to be horrible. 

We have not even recovered from the shock of this lady before Chris Harrison is telling us that this will be the most “crazy, unpredictable, and shocking” episode of the Women Tell All ever.  But before we get to the interviews of women we don’t ever need to see or hear from again, we must watch The Harrison and McConaughy crashing Bachelor Viewing Parties in LA and also, Iowa.  We see people in cowboy hats, a mother-daughter night, a random Asian family that apparently has them over for dinner, and some dude who allegedly likes the show because “you get to see a lot of beautiful women.”  

Suddenly, there is a drunk girl in a Texas Cowboys jersey screaming “shot shot shot shot!!” and jumping all over McConaughy.  And all we can think is “hm, we had that jersey once. We pulled it out of the Boys’ Lost and Found after Junior High Camp, and wore it for five years.  Babies, when one is working for a non-profit, the Lost and Found is like Filene’s Basement.   But then we see drunk girl riding on the piggyback of some other woman as they chase McConaughey’s van down the road, and we conclude that the parallel between our lives has likely ended with the shirt.

And just like that, we see the Women who are about to Tell All.  There is Nikki, TreeNAH, Julie/Juelia, Kei$ha, Amber Who Is Vaguely Black, No Child Left Behind, Samantha, Drunk Jordan, Crazy Eyes, Britney, Bitch, Kelsey, Britt, 1994, Fran Kardashian, Carly, and… Misty.  Phew.

After a highlights reel that ends with the audience booing Carly’s prior comment about Britt being the prettiest girl in the room going home like a mere mortal, Britt takes the “hot seat” (a concept that makes this Viewer acutely uncomfortable, as if it were dusted with the Kitty).

We don’t know what to make of this segment.  Britt cries profusely about Carly not being her friend and generally acts like the Innocent Victim, except that every time someone else starts to speak she starts to talk over them.  Eventually this devolves into a high pitch series of balloons deflating as the women skreetch at each other until Chris Harrison is like “OY.  OOOOY” and then he WHISTLES to get Britney, Bitch to back down and finally there is peace. 

We don’t know if we are less impressed with the women or with the fact that a man just whistled at one to get her to pipe down, as Britt returns to her tearful narrative of her magical hot air balloon, and comments about not wanting children being misconstrued, and also, how she could have had it all with McConaughey if Only It Had Not Been For Carly.  Oh, for she “came so close to love!!!”

We have seen this lady so many times in our life that we desperately hope Britt is not going to be the next Bachelorette. 

 Next up:  Kelsey.  Ugh.  Chris Harrison forces us to watch her “journey,” including her comment about “stay tuned… Monday nights at 8! It’ s MY love story too!!” and the fake panic attack, and the womens’ celebration over being “immeasurably blessed” when she got the boot.

Gentle readers, Kelsey feels “betrayed.”  Lo, for having lost her husband once, she now feels like she is “grieving all over again” because of this experience.  Why does she think the other women hate her?  She thinks she could be “perceived” as condescending and also, as “using big words.”  Blah blah, she needed to honor her story by telling McConaughey about it in private….. and as this goes on and on, Fran Kardashian jumps into the fray with both gloves off.

We should care about this moment.  We really should.  Except all we can think about is what Fran K is wearing:

“I have something like that in my closet,” says KMu.  “It’s called a vest.”

The attacks on Kelsey continue and are too boring to recount, until she asks everyone for Foregiveness and explains that her gleeful comments about her “love story” were really intended to express how she had this amazing love story, struggled to come out of grieving for her husband’s loss, and then it was “amazing” that she survived that too.  We don’t really buy it, but we credit her for trying to create whatever narrative she wants her life to take.

Next up:  Crazy Eyes, who brings an onion as a gift to Chris Harrison.  We conclude that this lady is the best actress ever: 

CH:  “What was up with the mesa verde?”
Crazy Eyes:  “I went to the four corners with  my family and you crawl through these little things and there are zombies….”
CH:  “You thought there was a betting ring going, didn’t you, when you saw our accountants?”
Crazy Eyes:  “I was sooo bored one time, so I just started walking around.  And I saw all of these people, and was like, ‘are they BETTING?’”
CH: “And then you talked to those cats.  What were they saying?”
Crazy Eyes (almost breaking character):  “It was one cat.  And it didn’t reply.”

Chris Harrison begs her to be on the Bachelor in Paradise, to which she stares him down before concluding, “It’s so weird… That we’re on TV.” 

Crazy Eyes wins this episode.  And also, she looks beautiful.

But then we are sad again, as we get the 1:1 time with Jade.  She is basically crushed that McConaughey said he thought she was shy, and then when her brothers described her as a “wild mustang,” McConaughey wrote that it was “disturbing” on his blog.   Oh Jade, he didn’t mean it that way.  But she doesn’t understand, and we feel bad for her. 

Next up, Misty takes the stand.  We like her and hope she is the next bachelorette if we must have one out of this Pile of Terrribleness, except that she is wearing a white midriff bearing top to go with her Gloria Estefan white skirt, and it is not yet Easter.

Poor Misty thinks about her departure “every day.”  It was a complete out of body experience, and it crushed her to be eliminated.  Lo, but she is not ashamed of any of it, just confused.  You go, Misty.

Finally, McConaughey comes out.  Britt insists on coming up beside him and then gives him the longest, most awkward hug in history.  She tries to rewrite her narrative as well, blaming her departure on Carly, and McConaughey tries to explain how he eliminated her because of their relationship, not because of Carly.

Misty, securing KMu’s opinion as “my favorite person on this show at all time,” then tells McConaughey “You saw the shock on my face [when I was eliminated] and how blindsided I was.  You needed and wanted me to let my guard down.  And I did that, and was happy to do so, and then you let me go.  I don’t want you to sugar coat it.  I just need a genuine answer as to what happened.”

Unhelpfully, McConaughey offers that there “is no true explanation.”  He was just “throwing darts in the dark,” and apparently, hers hit the wall.

We trust that the remaining two women, Hemingway and the Crow, are feeling so, so special this very moment.

Blah Blah Jade then confronts him about his comments regarding her, we see a blooper reel, and then we are almost done but NO, WE ARE NOT ANY LONGER because Chris Harrison announces that he has WRITTEN A ROMANCE NOVEL.

Ok, this Author has accomplished many things in her life, including but not limited to learning how to like olives, wear high heels for short periods without complaining (very much), and also, rotate her tires.  But the idea that CHRIS HARRISON has written a romance novel before this Author is both horrifying and causing this Author to take a deep, reflective look at her life’s path.

We have Important Things to Ponder as we sign off until next week, when McConaughey Picks His Winner.

KLo